Fin vs History - I Don’t Beef Wellington Someone Unless I Really Love Them | The Napoleonic Wars (Part 8/10)

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

Once, twice, three times a cuckold..  The Napoleonic Wars (Part Eight) This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh⁠    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠  Chapters: 00:00 - Paula Hitler 05:56 - Cavalry Is Gay  08:37 - Hold On!  10:53 - Modern Day Cavalry  12:51 - Charlie’s Sleep  18:14 - England Pingland  22:03 - The School Sh*oter  31:25 - bin Laden 39:25 - Gangrene  41:39 - Philip Schofield  45:16 - Beef Wellington  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus history. I'm still joined by Horatio Gould. Still. And we're still here. It's Napoleon part eight. Part eight. The school shooter has, things are starting to go wrong for him. Right.

The police are masked outside. Yeah. Like Ossiman Deus, he has run out of fat kids to massacre. He is not, doesn't have enough ammo to turn the gun on himself. Oh, fuck. Is there anything sad? A little school shooter. He's run out of bullets to kill himself.

Always leave one in the chamber. Or is he too cowardly as well? because he thinks he killed himself when it comes to it, his survival instincts kick in. Oh, no. Oh, no, I don't want to die. Oh, fuck. We left off. Napoleon had met his match in Russia,

which did what Russia did and just set fire to the place. I mean, you can't, you can't really, it's not cricket. I mean, we're not playing that game. We could all just, we could all just get in Ireland ourselves, you know. So I guess Russia had kind of ruined it.

Did he have them? Was that? Yes, white jeanne. To the al-Aqabar... As a country, they al-Aqabar Moscow. When do they rebuild Moscow, Charlie? I was looking at this on Chachshabit. Oh, please, please.

Cook. It was a young king, remember, and he's one of... Chatjvetyvati ranked some third best Russian monarch. I've been getting a lot of rankings going. You can't understand history unless you rank it. I need to rank it. You need to rank it. And I like how, you know, you try and ask people who know about history and they go, well, it's a complicated thing.

You watch Chat Chb-T. Here's one, two. I'm like, just give me a... None of this bullshit. Just give me a definitive ranking. But he, because he was young, he had a long reign after this and spent about 20 years rebuilding it. Most of it was wooden.

So it was all burned. And he rebuilt it similar to like after the Great Far of London. It was like rebuilt it in stone and stuff. So Napoleon has had to retreat. Now, meanwhile, on his other front, Wellington is cooking in the peninsula. Yes. Now, the Duke of Wellington, look, it's episode eight.

You've made a lot of cum noises this series. The prostates are imploded at this point. Right. Okay. They're hanging out of the back of themselves. They're pinksocking it. Every night I'm hanging out of myself. Every night of the week, I'm hanging out of the back of myself because we're not,

and we're not even at the climactic battle yet. You know, and there's so many battles still to go through. Now, Wellington, he'd learned how to beat Napoleon in Spain. Yeah. So Napoleon's brother, Joseph. He had two brothers, I think, or he had maybe more. He had Joseph. He had Jerome.

Hey man. Jerome was his adopted brother. Yeah. They're like the Paula Hitler's of this story. Paula Hitler. Say her name. Paula Hitler, who was Hitler's sister who worked in HR. What happened to Paula?

Can we get Paula story up? Let's get a point. Before we get into... Pause this. Why have we not dealt with the second most important women in history after Ava Brown? Paula Hitler. What happened to Paula Hitler? She died of natural causes in 1960.

Suspicious. In Berthus Garden. was still at the nest? Yeah. Well, that's good to know. That's good to know that it stayed in the family was her job.

She gave a recorded television interview in 1959. She's a broadcaster. She was she? No. No, she just had one interview because she's Hitler's sister. That doesn't make her abroad.

It doesn't make her Terry Wogan. Paula Hitler. Paula Hitler worked as a housekeeper, office secretary and military hospital secretary during her life. She lost her job at a Viennese insurance company in 1930 when her identity was discovered.

After which she was financially supported by her brother. Well, that is lovely. Yeah, that's nice. You've got to take care of the people you come up with. Also, how sad is that because, you know, it heard just because of what her family did. It's discrimination. Yeah. It's discrimination. She didn't do any of that

stuff. She's the innocent Paula Hitler. She was a secretary. Paula Hitler's views on Jews, please. Sorry, we should use her name that she identified as Paula as Paula Wolfe. Which is what she changed the name. What was Paula Wolfe's opinion on the Jewish people, please? Because I think it's time we exonerate. Yeah. You know, not all

Hitler. Hashtag not all Hitler's. She was not politically active. This is the problem with sisters, brothers, there will be quotes. Sisters do have an ability to keep their mouth shut in a way the brothers don't. I've written a book, my sister, kept her mouth shut, kept her mouth shut, you know? Yeah, the other tailor. The other Taylor. When people are looking in history, they'll be, they'll scour the internet for some

about it. Exonerate her, yeah? Let her live her life. Paula Taylor. She shared personal observations regarding her brother's ad-offs and anti-Semitism, while maintaining a posture of denial regarding the Holocaust, a posture of denial. So she's denying the Holocaust?

But she's, no, no, no, no. She's maintaining a posture of denial. I don't want to look at what's going on. I don't want to see it. Whatever it's going on over there, I don't want to know. I don't want to know about it. Whenever you do in your own room is up to, is your business. You're my brother and I love you.

Yeah. But you make it hard sometimes. You know, we'll always be family. Have you seen that film we need to talk about Kevin or, you know, the book? We need to talk about Adolf. Once again, I feel my brother's loose hand across my face. Recalling her brother as a young boy, he remembers her brother as a little boy who led all the others

when they played Cowboys and Indians as children. Makes sense. Right. Anyway, Paula Hitler, friend of the pod, sister of the pod, up there in the family tree with every woman. Errol Musk is the grandfather. Paula Hitler is the pod's sister.

However, we must get back. to the opponent. Now, Wellington, the cold, cautious, arch-conservative. He is brilliant. Doing more research on him. He is exceptional. A phenomenal character. He is one of the straightest guys, because I also think his defensive style of warfare

is inherently straight. Well. There's something he feels like he's defending his ass. No one defends his ass more. Well, listen, this is why Napoleonic wars are the straightest history gets, because it's all about defending your rear. I don't want to be outflanked. You know, that's why I'm walking through Soho and I'm constantly, you know, I'm walking in a defensive square.

We'll get to Waterloo, but Waterloo is the greatest defensive action of your rear car. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's the greatest, it's the strangest thing that's ever been. And so that's why when I walk through Soho, I am in a square formation, right? Because the gay cavalry, cavalry is gay. Cavalry is gay. Because they're on horses.

Woo! Charging down there. Yeah. They, you know, they will just run. They can't, you know, they can't, they won't impale themselves on the bayonets. Yeah. Yeah, Wellington start to learn how to beat the French in the Peninsular War. He's a defensive general, although I think that does some discredit,

but he prefers sapping enemy numbers, and he only thinks he should attack to basically confirm a victory. He thinks victory is one in defence. But also the fact that that's relatively similar to Monty, do you think it's just more because of playing with British resources, seeing as we're not a land power? Yeah, it's definitely a... I was discussing with Gemini, my AI friends,

and I wasn't just going, can you rank the generals so I know who's the best? I was having a quite informed conversation about whether, you know, Wellington essentially... Do you like me? Am I good guy? Am I good boss? Do you like working for me? I mean, I pay for your pro tier, but, you know,

what if I didn't? Would you just answer my questions? It's my knob. It's my knob, normal science. It's that normal size? Anyway, yeah, I was having a conversation because Wellington arguably invents the kinds of tactics that end up as World War I. But he invents it a generation, like 100 years before. Because before this, it was all about, you know, when we, I mean, we're rushing ahead.

But you want to get people, you want to intimidate the opponent by showing them all your forces. You're standing. It's kind of, it's theater. Yeah. Wellington, straight man, hates theater. was like, I'm going to hide all my troops. I'm going to trick him. Concealment.

He invents tactical concealment. Yeah, a millionaire wearing billabong shorts, you know? You don't need to front your cash. Exactly. Let it speak for itself. Let my bellabong shorts speak for myself. Are you a millionaire or you just wearing billabong shorts? So, he also invented the Wellington boot.

That's about a straight shoe as you can get, really. And it becomes all the rage after he invents it. Now, he had not the up boot. he had allied in Spain with a 68 year old general called General Questa he observed battles from a carriage drawn by mules

and he refused to fight on Sundays because you know whatever the week needs a nap in the week and so he had to be hauled out of his coach onto a velvet cushion to watch battles which only angers Wellington and makes him intrinsically more anti-Spanish right okay

so he basically thinks these Spanish allies are fucking stupid he likes the Portuguese Yes. Because, you know, these people have... And he ends up creating these defensive lines, the lines of Torres Vedras, which is a sort of secret 25-mile network

of forts, redoubts, tank... I mean, what we would look at as tank traps or pits, which basically... And then he backs out... Basically trenches almost. Sort of, this is it. He kind of invents trench warfare 100 years before. And then the European powers,

they forget what he does. They forget that he beats Wellington, that he beats Napoleon with this. And then they all kind of default to like, oh, attacking swagger and Elan, right, which is why on the first day of the Somme and the start of the World War I, the French troops just walk in red trousers towards machine guns. Yeah, they get rolled by the Germans. Yeah, it's another Germany, Brazil, 7-1. Anyway.

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behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for the bunker wherever you get your podcasts. And subscribe so you never miss an episode. Want to know what's happening in US politics without getting too depressed? American friction could be the answer. Every Monday and Friday, we analyze the biggest news, characters and mishaps in America. That's American Friction. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. The Battle of Victoria is where Wellington smashes King Joseph Bonaparte's army.

He ends French rule in Spain. And then he also basically takes all of Joseph's looted art and gold and rescues it. Does he put it back? One small side thing is that his big campaigns before this were in India. and he was actually quite attacking in India because he had far less men. He beat an Indian force of 40,000 men with 7,000 men using quite expansive.

So you had that element to his game as well. But he kind of thought it was almost cheap or gay to attack. Yes. It was much more manly and straight to lie there. Hold on. Hold on. Probably the most Protestant general there is. For sure. So he's been cooking in Spain and Portugal.

and after June 1813, he starts to incur into southern France. So Napoleon's southern border has been breached. It's his Falklands. Now, meanwhile, in the East, in March 1813, a sixth coalition has risen, okay? Russia, Prussia, Britain, Sweden, Austria and many of the German states. and this sixth coalition have decided not Nick Clegg is not in this coalition

That's the seventh coalition That's the seventh coalition Which we're coming to Nick Clegg is a crucial member of the seventh coalition This coalition They think they've worked out how to beat Napoleon Finally which is the Trachenberg plan

Sounds like it's going to work The Trakenberg plan Is a plan that means Whenever we find Napoleon We get smoked So why don't we go after his generals or his marshals and their forces and basically run away from Napoleon.

Go after her ugly mates. Thank you. You know, you see the pack of women at the nightclub. Well, I'm never going to, it's never going to write with her. Don't go from the centre. Neg the ugly one. You know, outflank the uglys on the sides. Find the weak one.

Tear the weak one away from the pack. The less mobile. The less mobile. You know, the fat one in a wheelchair. you know I can cause the cavalry yeah

I also form squares to avoid the devastating cavalry attacks the British cavalry attacks of women in mobility scooters and seaside towns ah trying to steal my chips

no well the women are trying to steal your chips yes well that's modern day cavalry modern day cavalry it's me in a defensive square sea gulls and women

in movement Seagulls and women in the military school with crutch. That's their sabre. The modern day cavalry is the one-armed crutch. Anyway, basically because Napoleon is so good, and because so much of this is mind games, he's trying to make the allies do something, and they end up doing it because they're just spooked.

Whereas the other marshals don't have this aura. Yeah. So. Yeah, definitely. There's a sense of confidence, morale, or that you're destined to victory if you see Napoleon's leading you. Yeah, totally. do.

So after, I mean, he's, bear in mind he has lost, what, 600,000 men in Russia? Yeah, it's the worst disaster in military history. Yeah. Up until this point. The big army. Yeah. He's lost the big army. Small army now.

It's now a small army. So he now assembles another one very quickly, rapid conscription. Yeah, media army. Mediarmie Moien. The teenagers that are barely old enough to shave are drafted. Yeah. I mean, they're French. must have significant bum fluff though.

Sure. An old grenadier said they smell more of school books than gunpowder. Basically, they haven't actually like fired their guns. So why is this guy smelling kids? Hey? Why is this guy smelling kids? He's an old grenadier. That's French slang.

They basically haven't fired their guns yet. Yeah. And also, you know, there's, the French are not using rifles. Yeah. The French are only using muskets. As we discussed in our, in our sharp deep dive. on the patron, you know, rifles and muskets, the technology, the French aren't getting into the new technology.

Why not? Because they're stuck in their ways. Yes. They're all like... If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Exactly. But it's broken. It is broke.

The economy, the country is in the toilet after 20 years of continuous warfare. They've also got no fucking horses. Nay, their name, because the horses all died in Russia. Yeah. So in this period, Napoleon is only sleeping three hours a night. And sleep's very important. You never regret sleeping instead of doing anything else

You know It's never worth trading sleep For that thing that you're going to do Yeah It's three the worst number of hours to get Explain I think if you As a man who has tried every single type of hours

You know what You often see people ranking number of pints Do you want to rank hours of sleep Because you've done I think every hour Yeah you have I think seven is the best Better than eight Yes

I think 15 minutes is better than three hours Interesting Wow. And I think anywhere between three and five is basically fucked. But then once you hit six, six onwards is fine. Six is good. Eight is too many. Fifty minutes is better than three hours.

I came to work on 15 minutes. And we did all right. Did we? When have you been on the worst? When you felt the worst working? Because you did some crazy late nights back in the day. I think when I missed the caveman shoot. How many hours was that?

I think I got like five, but it was such a mess. It was genuinely. It was such a man. It was that I woke up so... Terrified. It was late and started masturbating because it was... Well, I'm sure he did.

God, this is so... Oh, my laugh at me. I'm going to lose my job. Yeah, waking up to that was devastating. Yeah. You need to get... I think for me, seven hours is good. Well, that's the health.

That's the healthy amount. The three is fucking horrific. Well, having... Well, when you have newborns and stuff, I mean, you'll just take anything. You can get three, four hours, five hours. But you're a father and you do it for them. Yeah.

Yeah, this is the point Charlie's making is when you do it is meaningful, it's for someone else. There's a purpose to it. Charlie has none of that. You just stayed up too late, gooning and you're late for work. Yeah, I've been cradling my child,

getting him or her back to sleep, and you've just been awake or not, cradling your hog. You just cradling your hog. I do this for you. Just cranking it. Shh. Shhh.

You know, on seven screate. Oh, fucking hell. Anyway, to these kind of people, these teenagers that are gooning all night, the Napoleon hires in his army, you know, because all the actual men,

he's left in Russia, they're in the bin. And also the Russian army, these are such experienced veterans who have been through all of his big battles. Yeah. Like all the Kremlin all,

yeah, it's decreasing the proportion of actual good troops is now way, way, where low. What is it, Charlie?

Nothing. Right. I was going to say Kremlin, but it doesn't work at all. Cremendler Cremlin. It's not far off. It's just, yeah, it's a bit wrong. Napoleon?

Napoleon? Yeah. Part A, that's an absolutely devastating question to ask. Yes, Napoleon's French. Good. Sort of. He likes onions. Onions.

Crucially. Yeah. And part of Wellington's tactics is the scorched earth thing. So he's taking all the onions away. So that when the French are... Caramelizing them. He's caramelizing them. He's eating them like apples, he's straight man.

But he's taking all the onions away, so when the French are foraging, they have got their onions. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You take away the onions, you kneecap the army. So somehow, in 1813,

even though he's got all these squeaky French exchange tools with bum fluff, he still remains terrifyingly effective on the battlefield. The spring campaign of 1813, lads, prostate check. Napoleon, he wins victories at Lutzen and Bautzen, and for a minute, it seems possible that he can recover from Russia.

Who are these victories against? Against the coalition. Again, he's doing what he always does. He's separating them out. He's making sure they don't all coalesce. That's his main thing is that he's so fast because he just is fast that he can knock out allies one by one. So these coalitions, they're not working together quick enough.

This is in Saxony. So this is in the remains of the First Reich. Yeah. Now, there are opportunities for peace in 1813 in the summer, and they kind of, they paused for negotiation in June 1813. Now, the difficult thing, the real moment of hubris is that he is married to a, what, 18-year-old, who is the daughter of the emperor of Austria, France Joseph. Yeah.

So in June 1813, he was married. there is a temporary armistice which gives the Allies time to negotiate its strategy I was like sorry Russia and Prussia should have changed you can't both be called that go on

it's too silly what do you mean I'm the Russian you're the Prussian is there's two you can't just put a P in front of another country's name Pingland

England and Pingland where's Pingland where we're saying that is Ireland yeah that's quite funny that is quite funny England and Pingland England and Pingland over there

I'm going to start calling I'm touring this autumn. I'm coming to Belfast, Cork and Dublin. Still tickets left for the pinguish leg of my UK tour. It just sounds silly.

Austrian Emperor Francis II is Napoleon's father-in-law. An in-law. It's not an easy relationship. It is not, and yes, you don't want to declare war, genuine war on your in-laws. For sure. It's a tough one to manage. Did he ask Francis II's permission or blessing when he proposed

to his daughter, I'd like to know that. What is it, Charlie? Do you in any way feel that Amanda's dad is your dad at all? Is it like... Definitely a father figure in my life, definitely. But would you ever call a dad? Very different, very different father figure, you know.

He's not gay. That's for one. For one. You know, he's a very... He's not my dad. He's not my dad, for two. A very practical man. An esteemed member of the community.

Is your dad practical? He can play the trombone. Yeah, I'll let that lie. We neither us have dads who have any DIY skills. No. Yeah, that's a, your dad's quite DIY. I don't know if he is. He likes pots though, pottery.

Pottery? He does pottery in his shed. Right. He likes clay. Yeah. Did you ask Beebe's father's blessing when you propose? No, he didn't actually. That's disgraceful.

Napoleon did ask for his blessing. Well, that is, that's good. It's classy. That is classy. It's always nice. And it's his blessing, not permission. you know, that's the way to do it. I'm doing it anyway.

I'm doing it anyway, but, you know, is that all right with you? Well, it's not. Well, fuck you then. Fuck you. Fuck you, mother-in-law. Yeah. Anyway, so, his greatest,

probably his greatest strategic failure, actually, is that he allows Austria to join the coalition, which leads to, gentlemen, clasp your pink sock in your hand, the Battle of Leipzig, 1813. This is the largest battle in Europe before the First World War.

Over half a million soldiers participated and it is the bloodiest battle of the Napoleonic War. You have 200,000 French against 400,000 coalition troops. It is a meat grinder. Now, that said, Tsar Alexander I first and

King William III of, I don't know where he's king of, they just watch drinking champagne from the nearby hill. Classy. There's a guy called Joe Chim Murat, who leads a 10,000 man cavalry charge that nearly breaks the Allied lines. He's Napoleon's brother-in-law.

He designed his own uniform. Let's have a look at it. Skin tight crimson red leather breeches. A tiger skin over the war horse. This is like Charlie's tracksuit bottoms. A fur trimmed cloak and a massive bicorn hat with a huge ostrich plumes. Wow. Awesome.

A tiger skin over the horse. That's a lovely touch. Are you trying to make it make them think that you're riding a tiger? Yeah. Sort of, I guess. I mean I don't I think that's actually I think the tiger skin and the skin tight red trousers The skin tight red trousers don't think have aged well

No But I do think tiger skin and a horse There's something about that So Napoleon frequently mocked his fits Devastating Anyway We don't know much about the battle Leipzig I think in the

That's not one of the battles that gets talked about I feel Even it's such so consequential And arguably more consequential Than Waterloo in some ways I don't know no No no no no No, holding my prostate.

No, absolutely not. Explain that. Why is it more controversial than all to do? Well, it's his first proper military defeat on the battlefield. Yeah. And it ends up with the kind of beginning of the end properly for him. This is the big turning point. And it shows that it can be beaten on a battlefield.

Yeah, but the reason he's beaten is that the allies just work together and outnumber him. And so he was always going to. He's defeated by friendship. He was always... Yeah, that's the real lesson of this. But I mentioned Battle of Leipzig in German history. This talked about a lot

because I guess we have a quite waterloo-centric because it's more British, but we don't know about this because we weren't involved. Do you think? I think we paid for it. I think we funded it. Yeah.

I think we paid for it. I think we paid six million pounds. Yeah. Do we? I know, it's such a big number. I don't know. But that's not exciting in the... In when you're teaching history.

No. No. We bravely bankrolled it. We bravely bankrolled. And so what happens is that midway through the battle, Saxon troops start marching towards the Allies. The French think they're launching a charge because the Saxons were fighting as part of Napoleon's German Empire.

And then they just turn around and start firing at him. So mid-battle defections, they get trapped in this vice. They have an escape route planned, but then they accidentally blow these bridges. while they're still on the wrong side of it. They're two, Saxon. Yes, yeah. And then 30,000 troops are just stranded and taken prisoner.

And I listened to a quite boring podcast about if Napoleon had won Leipzig. And they say, no, no German state, no World War I, no World War II. It's that crucial. Yeah. Because this is where Prussia becomes, like after this, you, Prussia is now the, the main power in the in yes it becomes the alpha german state which basically leads to the german empire um and with no prussia you get no world war one gives them the confidence i mean so the prussians lost to austerliss right yeah this is sort of their revenge revenge and they're getting their

confidence and the prussians are coming more and more dominant in central europe now having defeated napoleon at leipsic napoleon licking his wounds uh he runs back to france and the for the armies cross into France for the first time since the outbreak of the Revolutionary Wars in 1793. I mean, it's amazing that he still managed to get a force together off to Russia. That's what's crazy is that he's still having people fighting through. The big army. Yeah.

He lost the big army. You can't lose the big army. You can't lose the big army. In October 1813, Wellington crosses the river from Spain into France. December 1813, Austrian troops marched through Switzerland into eastern France. January 1814, Prussia and Russian armies cross. the Rhine. We now get into the six days campaign.

February the 10th to 15th, 1814, still this school shooter is firing off. He's still finding teachers to mow down. He just found the drama department. Oh my God. Is there ever

is there ever a better department for a school shooter to find than the drama department? That's my dad was a drama teacher and I can tell you now that they would all be dead for a school to take them out. There's no one, you know, like if...

I don't know how much of a take that is. I bet drama students, they would all be killed if they got shot on the head by a guy. No, listen, I spent my childhood in schools. Sure. Okay, I lived in schools. Me too. My parents were...

No, no, I'm not saying a hot take. Listen, mate, I went to school, all right? Can you let me cook? Because I actually went to school. unlike some people in this room who were homeschooled right right so my parents were teachers

I lived in a girl's boarding house I was a stud pig I was reared as a stud pig yes as we've discussed it I was a homebred panty sniffer I was rattling around foraging for sniffy pants now my point is

I was rattling around schools in the holidays you know in many ways that was my place that was my playground. I was bouncing around, you know? A rattle implies that there's... Yeah, I was bouncing. Imprised that there's hardness. I was,

I was jolly and I was bouncing around departments, okay? Looking for something to do. Is that what you'd like to do, though? I was like a big inflatable pinballing around. You never ruffled once? No, no. Right? My point is, I was very familiar with the topography of private schools in the Oxfordshire area.

You know, if I had wanted to, I would have been a phenomenal school shooter, okay? Because I knew the ground. I'm like Wellington at Waterloo. I would have hidden. You need to make sure, because it's quite a solitary thing by the nature of being a school shooter. Exactly. You don't have a lot of friends. You don't have a lot of friends.

That's the reason you're a school shooter. You know? So the key thing is making sure your rearguard's defended. Well, obviously. My rearguard has to be defended. Because the only friend you have is geography, really. Well, the geography department are getting it first. because they're the only one to understand the geography of the school.

Exactly. You take them out, suddenly you've got free reign, okay? So you have to take over the geography department. Now, do you think some of the drama students, I've obviously did drama at GCSE and A level, so I'm kind of a bit of a scholar. I'm putting a dick away, mate. And if I wanted to get my dick out,

I could mine it very, very well. Of course. Because you've got an A level in drama. But I'm saying... Wow. but maybe a lot of what we did was sort of animal work a lot of it was maybe becoming trees and stuff like that do you think you can maybe blend into the surrounding better than any other student a drama student you can maybe become the war well my point I was saying a chair my point at this at my point they could play dead very well which is how you survive a school shooting oh it might be a bit too much though yeah oh oh I Yeah, because I guess you're learning from like the sort of the Shakespearean style. Like those old 60s films.

A school shooter comes in. I'm struck. Anyway, my point is, were I shooting up the school that I attended and lived in for eight years, the drama department would be a fucking easy win. Sure. The teachers in there are cowards. They're a feat. you know,

their heads in the fucking clouds, right? Easy. Were I to attack the biology department, I would have a real fight on my hands. Okay. Okay. Dr. Gunn,

who used to dissect foxes in the car park off the back of his Land Rover, blood pouring down into the drains, you know. This is boss level stuff. A good guy, right? He almost certainly had a loaded shotgun under his biology desk.

Yeah? Now, were I to somehow defeat him but then move on to the chemistry department certainly in the tenure of someone who I won't weigh in for name for legal reasons I would have had a paedophile to contend with I had a chemistry paedophile as well

chemistry pedophiles bumping mics private school bumping mics at the New York comedy cellar was your Peterer on a chemistry chair sick and that is why I couldn't go on Duke of Edinburgh because our Duke of Edinburgh leader

There's a chemistry peter. See, look, this is what you don't see. You know, it's very easy to say. It's a life of privilege. Privilege. Well, I didn't go on Duke of Edinburgh because my chemistry was a paedophile. All right?

Where's Stephen Barlow when you need him. Anyway, I don't know how we got onto this, but my point is that Napoleon, school shooting. The original school shooter is still, even though, this is what I was going to say, the police are in the school now.

They're clearing rooms, you know, They're in the drama student. They're in the drama. They're all dead. Oh, no, I'm not. Wow. Brilliant. Wow.

Brilliant. Top marks. Is that a tree? Oh, my God. It's a child. Wow. An Olivier is among us. Anyway.

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in the coming days. And then on Fridays, we have our weekly wrap-up where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for the bunker wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe so you never miss an episode. So in the six days campaign,

he is outmaneuvering these huge coalition forces that are now in France. You know, he's 44, he's still cooking. He's riding between battles. I think this is the point. Is this the point where in four days he wins four basketball? against four different allies.

I mean, he's just smoking them. Because I think someone said that he's never deadlier than when he's on his own turf, defending his own land. So he is still mercurial. He is still the chess ground master. And yet he's just running out of manpower. And at this point, the coalition have realized

if you just, you know, when they form the sixth coalition, maybe it's the seventh, actually. They're like, they've got... What, Clegg's getting involved? When they've got, well, we're not yet at Clegg. That's the seventh coalition. But they've got basically a million. men.

So, you know, it's kind of the end is inside. Sure. Even though he's cooking in kind of, I guess it's northeastern France, I think. The allies are just able to outflank him, you know, and they just, they walk into Paris in 1814. There's not really much of a battle. And Paris surrenders, Napoleon's not there. He hears about it and he's like, right, we're going there to fucking save it.

What I find quite interesting is the Parisian women, though there's foreign troops in their city, seeing the Cossacks, they looked exotic in their fur hats. They all got the horn and were like really excited by this. Yes. Which I think says a lot. It's amazing to have foreign troops walking into your city. Yeah. You're first thinking like, oh, my big, fuck.

Some new talent just arrived. Fucking hell. Gene pool just got upgraded. Had worse Mondays. Cossacks are in Paris. Anyway, so yeah, he's like right. We're going to go save Paris. And this is where, uh,

This is kind of, this, well, this is his bunker scene. Yeah. This is sacriblot. This is, yeah, well, this is the counterfactual. This is, yeah, exactly. The bunker didn't work. He goes to Fontainebleu, which is, I think, is where his generals are based. And he says, we're going to raise an army and take back Paris.

And they say, it's not, Steiner, Steiner had the Engref not forstein. The Englef, it's not default. But the asphalt, you used the bridge there. Yeah. It's bled in brown Anyway So Napoleon realizes his generals

are not going to fight for him And that this is the end And so he has had a vial of poison On him the entire time Since the Russian campaign So he drinks it But it's so old That it's not potent anymore

So rather than die He just has severe stomach cramps And vomits for a day Which is, you know Again it's quite a school shootery So now What happens now and this is this is kind of an astonishing

he really gets away with this because what the Allies do now is they have a bit of a problem they're like okay so we have finally conquered the kind of mother city of this empire we have defeated Napoleon we're occupying Paris but we can't kill him because he's technically a monarch now and the whole reason we started fighting France 20 years ago was because they killed a monarch.

So that's going to, and they're all monarchs. But there's also, there's an awkwardness to the polioonic warfare that I think goes out the window in World War II. Where you take the capital, but then you sort of give it back. You're not really, you're not really taking land. Well, it's like Wellington when he was, when he was thankfully cleared after the inquiry. You know, and this is why he starts demolishing them in Spain

because he has the confidence for that who's been exonerated. Completely exonerated by an inquiry, unlike our chemistry teachers who were, pretend to jail. yeah they they don't fuck up the city yeah like you're like you're right it's not but it's also like you're not capturing it

you're not trying to hold onto it it's not it's you're playing a game to see who wins yes and then you kind of like but also at this point shake hands and say well can we get some stuff in the treaty that's because also at this point whereas one more two you're taking land and you're building empire yeah because at this point

warfare is done away from cities yeah it is done like out there on a stage and a field yeah and whoever wins that then so they're just in Paris is kind of awkward It's like, it's not until you get to like World War, that's why the Russian thing is so mad.

They're anticipating World War II by 130 years by going, we're just going to burn our city down. It's like, no one's burning cities. No one's burning cities. No one's like sacking them. You guys are nuts.

What the Allies decide is they decide to send him into exile because on a tiny island of Elba. Which I just saw is right next to Corsica. It's really close to Italy. It's so close to France, actually. It's probably in the French Riviera almost, you'd say. But right by his homeland where he'll have the most loyal support in many ways.

And it's not Idrisalba, but that must be who is named after. Yeah, it's so close to France and Italy. And what is it, Charlie? What are you doing? In exile, you kind of like, what are you just sort of reading? We're about to find out. So they send a thousand troops with him, who has a guard. They basically say, you are still an emperor.

It's just, it's not France. It's a model village. Yeah. That's what they say, is you're punishing. Yeah. Because they kind of think they're being graceful and they think they're being charitable. And I think because the French Revolution... Is that our respect, I guess?

Yeah, but also they cut a guy's head off in the French Revolution. They'd encapsulated the king. And the whole point of the Allies is that we don't like that. Right. This is how this all started. So we're not going to do that to you. We're going to give you... And they were giving him toys who didn't get distracted and stuff?

Yeah, they gave him a toy empire, basically. Because they thought that would keep him busy, basically. You know, this is what they could have done with bin Laden because they don't want the Poland to be a martyr. Right. So run me through what you would have given Bin Laden then? I would give him the Silly Isles. Yeah?

Yeah. And then what is he allowed to have like... Training camps. Is he allowed to sort of run Ford Fiestas into like post offices? Yes, exactly. Yeah. So he was like smaller scale. No, no, no, no.

He's not allowed cars, bikes. Right. So bid planes maybe, like a small... Yeah, the Wright Brothers planes with the bike and the thing. He can fly those into the post office. But again, the Siliyles is very close to Cornwall. So it's a similar scenario where he escaped. You go, how the fuck has he got?

Shit, Bin Laden's in Cornwall. And that is why the Bin Laden's now living... Is it Devon or Dorset, Charlie? Dorset. Thank you. Yeah. It was in Cornwall 9-11. Did we talk about that?

Yes. Was that the Rick Stein... Rick Stein's restaurant, isn't it? No. No? Cornish National. Rick Riscoria was the head of security for Morgan Stanley during the 9-11.

He saved 2.5,000 employees by ignoring initial official stay put orders. Wow, so he was Cornish born. Right, everyone, fucking get out of here. Oh my God, there's another one! Not another one! That's what she said. It's literally that. It's literally Brendan from Bristol as 9-11 at the second playing.

Not another one! Oh my God! Anyway, he was helping people get out. And then he died going back in to help others. Inside the towers are collapsed. What a hero? Rick. Is that what you're trying to do?

No, I didn't think so. Oh, right. What were you trying to go? I was trying to find the attack on Rickstein's restaurant. The Cornish 9-11. We have talked about that. Yeah, Cornish separatists. Yeah, Cornish.

The Cornish National Liberation Army. Anyway, they send Napoleon to Elber. They give him some toys and a model village. And in his place, they replace him with another man who was not really rattling around. Bouncing about. Louis the 18th, Louis the Large rolling around. It doesn't show like traditional monarchy well. It says here he was profoundly obese and loved chops, pastries and rich sauces.

What's amazing. Yeah, but for the grace of God go I. But what's amazing is that his whole family were like executed and causing huge revolutions that's completely changed France forever because they're seen as these hedonists. Yes. While everyone was starving. And it's amazing that even when he's lost the power, still in exile, he's still stuffing his fat face. It doesn't imply that he's very focused on reclaiming power.

Have they learned the lessons of the revolution? It's been 20 years. He's just been getting faster and faster. His nickname was le cocheon, meaning the pig. Yep. And Louis de la trante. He had gout and dry gangrene. He's sandgrin.

He is, Sandro. Charlie, could you work out? Tell us about dry gang green as opposed to wet gang green. I did not know. If someone said to say gang green, the first question I say is dry or wet. Well, wet or dry. Dry green green is caused by loss of blood flow,

making the skin dry, dry, shrivel and dark as opposed to water. Let's look at the images. Let's see some rashs please. Come on. Dog rabbit. It's a big green foot. Wet gang green. Here we go.

Lovely. Oh, that's exactly what we want. Okay. So wet gang green from just my initial reaction looks much worse. Yeah. I'd like my grand green dry, please. Like a martini You want it really dry

Shaken, not stirred Yeah, dry gangrene Just looks like really bad athletes' foot Wet gang green It's like a ogre it's like Shrek's foot Do you think anyone could pull off the name gangrene Like gangrene Or like gangrene is like

Your gang's called gang green You're in the green gang gang green gang green What's like Mr Gang Green? I reckon that's what they say on the Reddit forums For people who have gang green green green gang We're in the green gang Welcome, you just join the green gang Yeah

We'll talk about it to each other And feel better about it We're the green gang. Yeah, let's go off to the gangrene community. Go after the chronically old gangrene community. A bit too good for too long. Yeah, fuck them. How are you getting gangrene in 2026?

Come on. So Louis did not try to restore absolute monarchy, but he did restore the pantry. He created a sort of constitutional monarchy and kept a lot of the Napoleonic code. But yeah, he was just getting faster and fatter. And also, I don't think he really did anything. He doesn't seem to have anything about him.

No. Really? So what is Napoleon doing while he's in exile? He arrives in Elba, May 1814. There's about 12,000 people there, one town, a few mines, and an annual income for Napoleon that the Bourbons, the Louie of the 18th family, they... So they were slow to pay? Yeah.

So his invoices, he had to keep reminding them. Yeah. He set up automatic chasing. Hello, this is due in three days. Just wondering when it's going to come through. But he establishes ministers, a court. What is it, Charlie? Are you a loser if you're in his army now?

Are you, the rest of the soldiers like, I don't want to be in his kind of model fake town? I don't know. I mean, I think it's quite a confusing tone because he's got, I think it's still pretty cloudy. I wonder if these, I wonder if these thousand people, the thousand army are like his Imperial Guard,

who are the troops that still haven't lost a fight yet. Probably, the Imperial Guard would probably want higher positions than that. They're probably his more, a lot of them were like Corsicans and stuff. Oh, right. And they're just going to be foraging? What are they doing over there? Well, they're basically...

So it's an island that functions. It's an island he establishes a society. So he gets like ministers, a court, uniform. Thank you, Charlie. It is similar to when Philip Schofield went on castaway. Yes, very much, though. It is a kind of rehabilitation, but on Napoleon's terms, much like Schofield had the camera, you know,

and he decided what he told us on the island, you know? And much like Napoleon wanted to thought he would be going to a, better island, Scofield was like, oh, you send me to an island because I'm a paedophile? Oh,

fuck, not that one. So, Napoleon orders in 1814, the great latrine decree, where he forces every homeowner on Elbe to build an indoor latrine

within two months or face severe fines. So what's great about Napoleon is he does do the dirty work. He sees... He likes it. He likes it all. He does the whole gamut.

Now, he's hoping that his young wife, Mary Louise, will come and join him, but she doesn't. She stays in, in Austria and starts a relationship with a guy called Count Knightberg.

Still always getting cucked though. Once, twice, three times a cuckold. Cuckolded again. Yeah. I mean, you know, you feel like he, this is again, the school shooter has been arrested. Yeah. Okay, he's not been shot.

He has been given exile in another school. Sorry, is this the guy who cuckolded him? I mean, he looks like he's trying to fuck your wife. He doesn't, right. Yeah. But this is a school shooter that's been given like. Sorry. So I get that back.

The man, she told me not to worry about, yeah, I'll look after your mind. No, don't worry. Like, that looks like he's up to no good. Napoleon's been given like a different school to still kind of shoot up a bit. Yes. Right.

A model school. A model school. Right. A Steiner school, whatever, to shut off. Oh, that's a blood bath there. And yet, okay, he's still being cuckolded. So he's still in love with Josephine, even though they're divorced at this point, of course.

but he gets he manages to get one of his Polish mistresses because he'd been having loads of mistress on the eastern front and he also resented the surveillance by Colonel Sir Neil Campbell and apparently he would walk around his villa putting on an exaggerated British accent Hello! That's a disgrace, that's an absolute disgrace. So in May 1814 not long after Napoleon has arrived in Elba, he hears word that Josephine, his wife with no teeth and black gums

dies of pneumonia. She caught it off Sir Alexander I first. Was she nothing him off? Was she nothering him off? You can't catch... Is pneumonia? Is it?

No, you can catch a cold and then it turns into pneumonia. Right, it's a flu thing. She caught it on a walk with him. Wow. Anyway, Napoleon finds out via a French newspaper and locks himself in his room for two days.

He said, and this is... You would think this is normally the other way, around. He says, I truly loved my Josephine, but I did not respect her. Awesome. That's an interesting, yeah. Not only you say, I don't, I don't love, I've fallen out of love with her, but I do respect her. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I love her. I just don't respect her. Can you love someone without respect her? I guess. Charlie. Yeah, I guess so. No, sorry.

I was saying. Oh, no, sorry. Right. I love Charlie. Sorry to Charlie because it's a sort of hit. I know, I love Charlie, but I don't respect him. Yeah. Sorry, Charlie, do you think you can love someone

without respect in the? No, you can, yeah. Yeah? You can, um... Depends what you define as love. Well, yeah, I'm a romantic love I think you're talking about because I think there's a lot of people

who don't respect their kids but they love them through familial bond. Well, it's just for pure genesis. No, I don't think you can romantic you love someone without respect. No, that's why I mean romantic. No. No. The respect has to be there.

Yeah, it's an odd way around. I truly loved her. Uh, didn't respect her. Anyway, now this is probably my favorite bit of the story, is that while Napoleon is an exile, Wellington becomes the British ambassador in Paris. Right. And Wellington says that he's not only content

with defeating Napoleon on the battlefield, although he hasn't actually beaten him himself yet. So what he decides is to sleep with as many of Napoleon's exes as he can. Straight man, say his name, right? While Napoleon was exiled, Wellington it says here aggressively seduced

aggressively seduced and slept with as many of Napoleon's former mistress as possible the singer Giusepina Grasini Marguerite Georges George said that Napoleon was more affectionate but the Duke of Wellington was significantly more energetic

which makes sense in some ways for the characters not from their style of warfare but Napoleon he was a needy but quite soft and tender man in some ways the love for Josephine but he's a one pump chump who'd fuck you like a dog and then get off

but he, I imagine before the fucking there's a lot Napoleon and after. Yeah, a lot of wooing and cuddling. Yeah. I think he's a lot softer in there.

Wellington's really giving it to you. Hazzar! Hazzar! You know, but there's no cuddling with Wellington. No. But that is to agree. You sort of want to,

yeah, I think, imagine a woman probably wants Napoleon to do the foreplay. Tag in, Wellington, fucking. Yeah.

Yeah. Napoleon, slow build. Slow build with Napoleon. And then write, tag Wellington in. Ah! Ah! Anyway,

aggressively seduced. That's what I like. Wellington. You know, at what point is aggressive... Yeah. Aggressive seduction become harassment. This is very much pre-moot too. Me too.

You know, Your Honor, it was not harassment. It was aggressive seduction. He was notorious philandra with a series of high-profile mistresses. Charlie, why have you got beef Wellington up? Is that where you think he thought that was? Oh, there's a sex position. Read that out, Charlie.

Of course. a sex position in which the girl lays face up and the man takes a crap on her vagina and then fuck her that was not what I was Did you know that said that? No. Right. But I knew it was going to say something like that and I knew Charlie didn't want to read it And I liked the pause Charlie took before reading it

You know I genuinely thought like oh it's going to be Maybe that's a sex position named after how Wellington has No, no, right Right How do you even I guess I know how you do it but what? I mean that is incredibly good That's a closeted gay man right there

the girl lays face up and the man takes a crap on her vagina why's there no poo in this vagina yeah gay golden ramsie wow wow read the um quote in sort of situ

please erasure oh man my dick smells rank after giving that beef wellington to this one I think you're really getting the wrong voice you've got to read it like um jerome bone apart yeah go oh man my dick smells rank I'd have to give a beef wedding of that chick. Yeah.

Well, that's absolutely disgusting and has no place in this series. My God. Anyway. Should we talk about Wellington's wife, though? Because I think that's pretty funny. That is pretty funny. Do you know about his wife? The original beef weddings.

Yeah. So interestingly, he seemed to, he met his young. Very hard to cook, Beef Wellington. Yes. Which one? Well, both, actually. Got what? We've also got the Napoleon.

Okay. Come on. Come on. Napoleon. Do you read that out, Charlie? The Napoleon is when you stick all four fingers in an orifice, typically during a sexual act, similar to the knowledge, number of photographs,

capturing. So you put four fingers in it anywhere you want, basically. I mean, they're going for interesting aspects of the two generals. I mean, these are, we really are giving our patrons ammunition that I pray for any woman who goes on a date with the patron. Getting the Napoleon. Getting the Beef Wellington out. If you count,

I only know two positions. Yeah. The big one of them. Which do you want to do first? You have 20 minutes to make your decision. Do the old John Motson. He doesn't do chunkies. Right.

Yes, his story with his wife, so he meets a girl called Kitty, I think, and then before he's made a day. Yeah, it's like an 18 year old and it's very like, you know, that age, you meet someone and immediately say, will you be with me forever? Yeah.

But he's also not a, he's not a general at this point. He's not made a, He says, I love you, we marry me, she says no, he hasn't,

because he hasn't made a name for himself. He goes to India, is away for 10 years, comes back, will you marry me? She says yes, and then he can't stand

if the rest of his life has a miserable marriage. There's a quote where he immediately says, oh, she's actually really ugly. I shouldn't have pooed on that fanny. That's his quote. I shouldn't have pooed on that fanny.

He lindoes his brother. She has grown ugly by Jove. At the altar. Fuck, I didn't realize it was at the wedding. He was at the wedding. But, and this is why Wellington

is such a tactical genius. they stay married for 25 miserable years virtually ignoring each other while he takes up a series of high-profile mistresses and shits from their family and then fucks them. Yeah, what's nice about that is virtually ignore each other

and they're sort of back to back it means your rear is defended. Well, that's exactly. That's how you should sleep in bed as a matter of couple. Is there a more defensive position than a miserable marriage? Would you both turn the way?

It's an infantry square in bed. You know? No one will invade you. Yeah. He had an affair with a courtisan and then the courtisan threatened to publish her memoirs.

This is a bit after the pronoun wars saying that he's going to publish them unless Wellington pays hush money. He says publish and be damned. Fuck off then. Do it.

And then she said that Wellington was a quote most uninteraining visitor and that wearing his red ribbon he looked like a quote rat catcher. Well he was a rat catcher. Yeah.

You know? He caught the biggest rat of all. Don't fucking hate the player. I hate the game. Who's this? Who's that? That's Kitty. That's his ugly wife.

Yeah. Well. Well. I wouldn't shit on her, Fannie, put it that way. It's absolutely appalling. That's an awful thing to say to a woman. It's the worst thing you can say to it.

She good looking. I'll put it up in a funny if you know what to be. I'll put it this way. To shut up my feelings. To be concise with my feelings. Take what you will from this. Do you have a lot of? day last night.

Yeah, it was all right. I don't know if it's going to last. I wouldn't share the fan of it, if you know what I mean. And by that, I mean, I wouldn't actually do it. Anyway, right. Christ. Must be so on hygienic to do that as well.

Yes. Yeah, it probably is. Yeah, it probably is genius. Fucking hell. Probably about as good of hygiene rating as a regional Indian restaurant. Worse, I reckon. Hey?

Much worse. Yes. Yeah. Probably, yeah. Anyway, look, let's get off the Beef Williamton's exposition and get back to the fact that he's in Elba. He's in Elba and he's getting bored. He's rattling.

Or he's bouncing because he's quite fat as well at this point. Yeah, midway between a rattle and a bounce. Anyway, yeah. So when is this? This is February time 1815. Colonel Sir Neil Campbell, who is just sort of checking in on Napoleon with a Royal Navy Guard, he has sailed to, I think, Livorno and the Italian Peninsula to check out on his mistress and

Countess Miniachi and Napoleon seizes this moment to quietly board a ship with about a thousand of his men

the inconstant it was called which is a massive Inconsent? Not the incontinent No, not there yet and he disguises the ship

somehow, I don't know how, and he slips past the naval patrols that were circling Elba. They painted over the French

colours and disguised it to like a British merchant vessel and so the tiny flotilla slips past the British blockade and he arrives near on teb which i just went to on holiday lovely place on the 1st of march 1815 now though he knows there are royalist strongholds in the south coast so he marches through the alps once again and he forms this route which is now known as the route napoleon and he has a tiny column of a thousand troops wearing his hat and his great coat

is Greco and he is met at some point maybe in Grenoble by a series of royalist troops who here he's coming and they've been sent to arrest him and then Napoleon steps forward unbuttones his coat takes his trousers down

and says look at this he opens his chest and he says soldiers if there is one among you who wishes to kill his emperor here I am and then in the silence that follows one voice cries, Vive l'Enprue.

And Napoleon is on his way to Paris to reclaim somehow the throne he lost less than a year ago. Maybe the ultimate aura farm, potentially. Incredible. It's probably not been a more significant one in history.

We're going to leave that here for this episode. In our next episode, we will get to Napoleon's final 100 days and the best battle of all time, the goat battle. It's the best battle. It's the best battle.

what's best battle, this one's best battle. This is top ranked S-tier battle. Okay, Jack Mate is putting this top in this ranking. We will get to the Battle of Waterloo. See you next time. They're getting more pained. They are. Well, it's painful.

It's fucking 10 wanks in a day. It's a 10-parter. You've got to think for these poor people. That's already on the Patreon, by the way, along with some terrific bonus episodes on Sharp. Yeah. And Birken Hair. Lots of fun stuff there.

Review of Napoleon's... What is it, Charlie? The Ridley Scott... We did a history of cuckolds. That was a lot of fun. Charlie wrote a cuck poem. Anyway, we'll see you next time for the greatest battle of all time.

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