Fin vs History - I’m A Stud Pig, Get Me Out Of Here | Nero & The Emperors of Rome (Part 1)

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

We’re in Ancient Rome for a carnival of incest, violence, matricide and depravity. If you think PartyGate was bad, wait until you hear about Tiberius. The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus History, as ever sat beside me as Horatio Gould. A man whose forehead is a portal to the ancient world, which is an ever-growing. An ever-growing portal. Terrifying. I've tried to renegotiate the camera. because I feel, even though Finn's head is very small and mine is very big, I do think it doesn't make it better with how the cameras are situated. A bad workman blames his tools. I think you take this up with you. I think Finn comes across better. Even though Finn has a freakishly small head, I want that to be known. But it doesn't look like that. It just looks

when it cuts to me like I have a freakishly big head. It doesn't help that there's also a TikTok dwarf who is your spitting image. Shout out, Lewis, mate. We'll get him on at some point. We'll definitely get him on. Yeah. Well, I think it'll be funny for him to be on here and pretend to be me and see how long it takes people. Yeah. We should get him and Jack Whitehall to do it and see how observant

people are. So this is, what is this? We are in the ancient world. This episode we're talking about Roman emperors. So you don't feel very uncomfortable in the ancient world, much like you, I imagine, a sort of, I don't know, a spoken word gig. Oh, no, I'm more comfortable

in Rome than I am. I think, speaking about the Romans, the ancient Romans is the only socially acceptable ancient history. Right. If you go... Because it's, yeah, it's the Nazis of the ancient world. It's a Nazi of the ancient world. If you go into a meeting with your bank manager and you mention the Sumerians or whatever you fucking go on about, you will be denied a mortgage. All right. Because he'll be like, well, this guy, no, I'm not giving this guy. You can't rely on this guy. Exactly. The great thing about ancient Persia denied. But Rome, yeah, so in our next... You quite enjoyed yourself.

research in this, I feel. Oh, it's fucking brilliant. It's good stuff. It's absolutely brilliant. Because there are very detailed accounts. Yeah, this is as neurotypical as ancient world gets. Yeah, I guess do you think it's because there's detailed accounts and you can actually, you actually know what's going on?

Whereas with the other ancient empires, you know, the stuff that you spend your weekends watching documentaries about, um, um, do you think because we just, it's basically guesswork? Sort of, but I think it's more the influence that Rome had. Rome is one of the four things people learn in history. Yeah. It's like, it's the first off the shelf, you know, it's the top layer. But also, you know, Freshers' week, you're doing a Toga party. Yeah.

You're not doing a, you're not doing a Genghis Khan fucking throat singing party. Why are you? In my mind, that's lit as hell. No, it's not lit. It's bad. That would end your university career. Really hard to pick up girls, I imagine, with the throat singing. Yeah. Well, you want to pick up a throat-sicking girl. That's what you want.

That's not wifie material. That's fresh as week. Freshers week. Real cum dumpster stuff. Right. Okay. You know what? I knew that was there. And the ball, I was going to leave that ball. You see, you're leaving too many balls. And you came out and you just leant back, smashed it for six. Yeah. That's the point. But may you've been caught. Who knows?

It's always going out of the stadium. It's going out of the stadium every time. You want to be careful because you might get caught at the boundary. no i think i think at this point dumbster wow a mongolia throat-sicking cum dumpster of a girl the problem is is that there's going to be an innocent slut listening to this thinking oh this is nice i'm not going to and then out of nowhere she gets caught strays he's like for fuck so do you know what it is can i have it not have a day off do you know what it is it's because you have a moustache and glasses and you look like a bank

manager when you say when you say innocent slut it just hits it hits a bit harder for some reason you know what i mean i don't know what it is about me but saying, but also, you know, the sentence Mongolian throat singing cum dumpster of a woman has not been said before. Yeah. I'm like Stephen Fry in that regard.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're on the new frontiers of words to be said. Of waste to insult women. Waste to insult women. So we are in the ancient world. We're going to do, this episode will be

the context of the Roman emperse, but really in this series we're focusing on Nero. And in our next episode, we'll have a guest James McCann The brilliant comedian James Forbes McCann

Australian Catholic comedian Who is an Australian Classicist Which I guess He did classics at uni What's that at the 60s But doesn't this Australian nullify it That's what I mean

It's like Oh he's an Australian Renaissance man What he doesn't hit his wife On Sundays I mean what the fuck What the fuck is that Anyway So he'll be with us for our next episode

But We should first place this right Yes, so I agree what you're more of the ancient world. So this is after the invention of the cart. The carts are around. The classic cart. Yeah. The classic wooden cart is around.

The horse drawn cart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. I think just, I'm just saying about the cart. I don't want to add anything else onto that statement. It's a controversial thing. But it is before the invention of the bungee jump.

Yes, there's no bungee jumping in the Roman world. I mean, there could be. But none have been recorded. I'm sure there's been some form of bungee jump. Or maybe a way that Romans would try to kill early Christians would be a bungee jump that doesn't come back. It's not really a bungee jump if you're just pushing them off a hill, are you? It's more just pushing them off a cliff.

But is it not half a bungee jump? Is that not a proto bungee jump? I guess so. Actually, you're right. I suppose could you open a company selling bungee jumps if they didn't come back? Much like it's not a frisbee if it doesn't come back, is it? It's just throwing a stick. No, no, it is a frisbee effect?

goes back it's not a boomerang if it doesn't come back that's what i mean yeah but it's a frisbee if it doesn't come back much like a bungee jump that doesn't come back it's just it's just it's murder yeah when was the um bungee jump invented uh now is it is it actually uh because it's obviously what people go to new zealand to do right because um new zealand there's nothing happens there's nothing to manufacture some kind of adrenaline for the people living there um so we're in ancient rome which is the uh the only part of the ancient world uh that is sort of social acceptable to go on about.

It's a fucking picnic table of incest, violence, sex, scandal. But before, so, as you said, this is, we're taking our start from this of what, just before the birth of Christ. Christ is born in this timeline. Yes, he is, yeah, he is, yeah. Well, it's just more to explain what the Roman emperors is, because I think there's a bit of confusion. I don't think, weirdly, I don't think it's cleared up enough, even when we're learning about

the Romans. I didn't actually know any of this until I started this. Which feels like this is kind of like, kind of some of the key stuff you should know. It was the Roman kingdom in like 500 BC, but that was when it was just some thick tribe who hadn't discovered Greek values, right? Well, there's a, well, yeah,

and then Romulus and Remus. But that didn't actually happen. What? That was a myth, founding myth. Yeah, okay. Or the guys who sucked a teat of a wolf. Yeah, there was a, there was a rape. As ever in the ancient world, everything starts to the rape.

There's a rape, yeah. There's a rape and the baby is twins, Romulus and Remus and they're cast away and then they get adopted by wolves Yes, kept alive They suck on the wolf teeth And then

Do they grow up and do they fight Because it ends up being called Rome after Romulus Well then Remus jumps off the walls Because he wanted it to be called Ream Yeah Well there is a French as he called Ream Right But no one gives a fuck

No right right I don't know if that's because of him But the reason I'm bringing this up Is I think it was on one of the patron episodes We learned that one of Charlie's main sexual fantasies is to be dressed his girlfriend up or boyfriend up as a wolf. Anyone, really?

Anyone. And suck at their teeth. Right. So you're kind of quite Nero-esque, actually. Well, yes, we'll get to that. Anyway, so Roman Kingdom 500 BC and then they made it into a republic, which is more like a Greek view of the Senate, right?

So it's run by a council of powerful leaders. That leads to a lot of instability because a lot of generals just kept taking power. And that finally ending with Julius Caesar, who was the big general who ended up taking power, got assassinated. It just seemed like someone needed to take a bit more of a firm of grip. And Augustus,

who's considered sort of the goat, right, of emperors, he is sort of like... There's a civil war after Caesar, and then Augustus emerges as the... Yeah, like, I mean, on the rest of history, they call him the greatest politician ever. Yeah, exactly.

And then he sets up the Roman Empire, basically, yeah, ends the republic, and sets up the Prince... I can't say it. Princeeps. Princeeps. Now, do you not learn Latin at school? I did, but I was terrible at it.

Right. So, look, I'm thick and posh, which is what means. Yeah, I mean, it's part of the problem with poshers, isn't it? If you interbreed too much, they end up really thick. Princeps. Princeps. Yeah. Princeps is the first citizen, prime minister, basically.

We were talking about Augustus, the goat, right? He lives a long, he has a long career. He sets up a line. And it feels like all the emperors are to Augustus, they're trying to trace their lineage back to Augustus. Well, he dies and becomes a god. Yes, basically. Everyone deifies him.

Yeah. Which then means that it sort of becomes kings again, basically, isn't it? And it sets up basically packs Romana, which basically there's under, for the next 200 years, there's sort of peace in Rome. Yeah. I mean, the emperors are doing fucking insane shit. Yeah, the definition of peace is not, the same as ours.

But in general, it's like more global peace than there ever was in the Roman period. But there's still like, yeah, but there's also, you know, they're still fucking up the Brits and the Germans and stuff. Yeah, but I guess on a bigger, like a, there's not huge wars against other powers like Carthage or anything like that. The Greeks aren't, the Greeks aren't around at this point. The Greeks have been. The Greeks, to be fair to them, the Greeks. Are they put in a box? Are they retired yet, the Greeks?

To be fair to the Greeks, it's sort of like, I don't know, they're like, it's like the Oxford and Cambridge of the Roman Emperor. Yeah. the Greeks now. So they do exist and they're, but now Romans, Romans go to Athens as like a way to learn more and it's kind of like a university. So they're very much respected and still part of the room. But they're on the down slope.

They've done their big shift. And they're banking on it, you know? Yeah, yeah. They're not quite a not today. To be honest, they're like Britain now. Yes. They're in that part of the life cycle.

Not today. Not today, man. Not today. Yeah, still. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. Not tomorrow. But what's amazing about the Romans

is that this is in Italy and the work ethic they have at this point is, I mean, it's in other worlds. It's so, it's sci-fi. The love of sexual harassment, though. Oh, no, some things are a constant, of course. Sexual harassment, pedophilia, murder. The whole thing's like a telenovela.

Yeah, so that's there. But also what I find funny is that Latin, because now Latin is so closely associated with private schools, right and so there is this it's spoken or at least it's thought to be spoken in this clipped British RP right when it they're fucking Italian so they're like uh Vidi Vividi Vichi Vichi that's what that's surely how they sounded right because surely because the way we say them Amoamasa Mat Veni Vidi Vici because there's all these like serious dramas in the 60s that British TV did

but they seem to be quite different people ethnically than Modern Italians. Carpetia. Because modern Italians are sort of Middle Eastern almost. They're like, they're kind of Jewish Italians. I'd say that they're Jews of the whites. But then these guys are kind of more like, I don't know, they're like Swiss. They're like Nazis, basically.

Yeah, yeah, they're Nazis. They've got these big noses, but like, yeah. Yeah, but there's a work ethic. I mean, so after Augustus, who's the goat, there's Tiberius. Yes. And Tiberius is a controversial figure, is what we'd say now. Yeah. It gets worse, though. Yeah, it does get worse.

But there is this whole notion of, so Tiberius, he reigns for a while. And he, when he retires, which is actually, he retires to an island called Capri. Which is a lovely spot now. Which is a beautiful spot. But essentially, it's made out in the Roman historians writing about this, that it was essentially running Epstein's islands. and he had a squadron of boys called the tight bums that was their name

and they were... So this is his retirement though This is his retirement Right, right But then he also had a squadron of boys called the Little Fish And what the little fish had to do And the tight bums

I think you can It's sort of, you know, it's Ron seal That's what it says in the tin You know why you've been picked as a tight bum Yeah Yeah

Anti-free I wouldn't have made it But But if the If there's a hairy bum, then I'm there. If there's a loose ass, then I'm... This loose hairy ass, count me in. I wouldn't have made it in the tight bums.

But it's like brownies and cubs. He's got... Well, brownies is a different word. He's got a different group for brownies. So he's got tight bum. He's got little fish. Now, little fish, right, is what happened... These boys, what they did, is he would go swimming in his private pool in his

Epstein's mansion. and what the little fish would do is while he's doing I imagine breaststroke they have to try and suck him off while his legs open so they're like nibbling you know when you go to like those

Chinese spars and you put your feet in a tank and your fish nibble your feet that's what he has a squadron of boys to nibble his balls have you ever wanted to put your sort of dick and balls in the little fish tank

yeah I imagine Charlie you must have wanted to do that yeah so I imagine I imagine it must be be quite a nice sensation to dip your junk in a in a Chinese spa. But to be fair he is retired, right? Well, this is my

point. In ancient Rome, in ancient Rome there was this idea that if you retired you, the only reason you would retire is to become a paedophile. Which is so... Is that viewed as a promotion from Emperor?

No, it's just so, it's so opposite to the dynamic now, where it's much more in Italy, it's like you're pedophile while you're at work. Yeah. Like, you work alongside your career as a paedophile. Like, streamlined it. You must always be, you know, it's almost like COVID came in,

changed a relationship to homeworking. Work isn't as important to people now. That's the same in Italy. It's completely crumbling infrastructurally because everyone's like, well, I've got more important things in my life. Work is sort of second behind harassing young girls. But then the civic virtues of the Roman society was like, do your work, then retire and become a paedophile.

Exactly. Which means things run better. So, yeah, it's a much more muscular ethic. Yeah. When you're trying to go through passport control when you go to Italy now and they've got lots of little boys nibbling at their cock and it's like this is what's slowing it down.

Yeah. Like you do this after. This used to be like your pension would be you'd get your pension which was you'd get your squadron of boys to fuck. Yeah. So he would also supposedly he would

he would look for unweened babies which is babies who have not yet been breastfed and he would put them to his genitals as though to the breast to see if they would suckle him as like that I guess Is that another one you've left? Is that another ball that's whistled?

Yeah, no, no, that's actually fair enough because it... And he turned these tidlers. So he has... Tiberius essentially has... To honest, it makes Epstein look, you know, it looks all right. I mean, it's child's play, I guess. It was fun of the bud.

Yeah, it makes Epstein. look like like my fucking milala. In terms of virtue. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup.

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Limited time only at participating Wendy's taxes extra. So, but Tiberius, but there is a whole episode on Tiberius, I think. We want to breeze through

some of these because it's good stuff. My point is that just how different Rome is to Italy of now, the idea that paedophilia is something you earn through hard work is totally

not the Italy that I know and detest now. So essentially, but he as a kind of warm up act to, when we get to Nero, you know, there's very, Roman emperors are creating squadrons. There's such

big paedophiles. They are creating a kind of hierarchy of victims and giving them sort of brownie-esque nicknames. But to be honest, the change from Italians doing their pitifulia in retirement as opposed to are at work happens in the next emperor. Because I believe the next emperor is Caligula. Caligula, who only reigns for four years. Yeah, but Caligula is sort of like a synonym for madness, for depravity.

He is probably historically the most famous kind of sexual... Well, I'd say him and Nero are like, they're on a part. car with, so basically... But Collegia's probably madder than Nero. Nero, there's, there was more of a plan to his madness. Collegular, it feels more like scattergun. Maybe, yeah. So, like, he would, he's, the main shocking things that he would do.

Because Nero, there was like a theatre to it. And it was like, yeah, he was like a kind of like, there was a statement. In a shock comic. It was like, yeah, it was all like a fucked up banksy type figure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But as Caligula was just constantly raping senators-wise. in front of them and stuff like that. Well, they'd have dinner, and then

he'd get bored, and he'd just sort of take a wife, and then he'd have sex with her. And then just bring about her hair all over the place. And then just carry on. Sorry, what was that story you're telling me? Where were you? Sorry, sorry, sorry. I interrupted you. What were you saying? But he'd also then review their sexual performance

in front of their husbands. Which is just, in terms of, like, cuck-holding senators. So I suppose there's this as a Roman emperor, you've got Augustus, Tiberius who are playing the game they're like you know respecting Parliament I guess is the

But then Tiberius starts madness After he's finished Caligula Starts Well Tiberius retires To an island So I guess you know Augustus is like Blair

Yeah fine In that he's like Apocal He comes to power He's popular Forget about Iraq So not like Blair Not like Blair

You just really like Blair No but then it But then in A god But then amongst Among centrist's, Blair is like Deified, isn't he? Fine, fine, fine. Blair's the goat. Right, right, right.

And then everyone's, everyone, you know, you can only really operate politically in the shadow of Blair. Sure. Right. So, uh, Blair's Augustus. And then I guess Tiberius is Gordon Brown if he retired to go back to Scotland, the numbers technique by fish. I was thinking, you've really backed yourself to a corner here.

No, it's going somewhere. It's going to somewhere. No, no, I tell you what? 21st century British prime ministers. Tiberius is David Cameron. fucking a pig's head. Right. In the, Tiberius is like playing the game.

He's not a populist. Yeah. Because there's a big thing about how Roman emperors, you're either, you're playing to the elites, the sort of conservatism, inherent conservatism of Rome, the Senate, respecting the system. And the fact that you're essentially a dictator

is kind of, you're trying to hide that. Or you're outright going, fuck the Senate, they're all losers. You're Boris Johnson. You're paroching parliament. But that's very similar to now. That's what I mean. That's what I mean.

So I'd say Boris Johnson's kind of paroguing part remember all that madness was Cummings. That's all kind of like Caligula Nero-esque even though like

Blair essentially got rid of cabinet government because he basically just forced it through with this team of advisors and he'd have like a Brents guitar. But he hid it through

because he was a PR master He's a spin doctor yeah so that's probably what Augustus is whereas Caligula and Nero in particular drop the mask of pretense and just like fuck it I'm a dictator I'm the boss so Caligula yeah just completely I think the still the shocking thing is just all the

most powerful people in the world because Tiberius is getting just like young boys probably slave boys to nibble on his genitals but it's just right that's fine isn't it but yeah you know yeah slave boys but this is like I guess this would be like I don't know Boris Johnson fucking I was gonna say Boris Johnson fucking Dominic Cummings' wife, but that would possibly happen. That doesn't shock me at all. Maybe it would have happened. Mostly his ancestral relationship with his sisters.

So, Calicula, there's a kind of rumor that he fucks both his sisters, but I think that's been disproved. Right. He also, he declares himself a god in life. Now, he's related to Augustus through blood. Tiberius isn't. There's quite a funny story about Tiberius is adopted by Augustus. But adoptions in Rome mean a lot more than they do.

No, but he's also adopted as an old man. Because Augustus is looking, Alguestis, Tiberius is a great general before he becomes emperor. And Augustus wants to secure an air to the empire. Yeah. There is, now there's also Claudius,

who comes after Caligula, but Claudius is basically a spas. Yeah, no, Claudius is really, I find Claudius's story really interesting. Well, of course, because he's obviously neurodivergent. So he was an ugly loser who spat when he taught. George is my impression of Claudius. Go on.

Oh, I'm cool it. And for me. Because Augustus had said... He wasn't thick like that. He was... He was like, oh, actually. I think you're fine. So I...

That is what Claudius is like. Right. So Claudeus is like this. And Augustus says, right, Augustus goes... Because Claudius is alive. He's like 10-year-old. And then Augustus sees him. And I think maybe Claudius is his great nephew or something.

Right, right, right. He sees him and he goes, right, he cannot go anywhere near the emperor. He can't be in charge because he looks in and he's like, well, he may I can't be in front. And he snots a lot when he gets angry.

He snots. So he's basically a sort of mucus feel. And he's bullied a lot. Yeah, rightly. Yeah. I think rightly so. But which often happens in power. I guess he's got sort of like a Richard Nixon

feel to him in a sense that it's like kind of like underestimated bides his time in a limp speech impediment and a stammer right

and he so basically Caligula in in my head is like Nelson from the Simpsons right like he would point

to people and laugh yeah he basically he would get the at one point there's like massive he puts on like

games the Roman games and there's the sacrifice of Flamingo and the blood goes all over a senator and he finds that very funny

yeah yeah yeah He's like, ah. Yeah, he loves it. He's just wedging people. He's got a sort of darkly comic sense of view. But he was a boy emperor as well. So he was raised to be. And that's kind of what made him so mad.

It's that he was just told from being like a fucking 10 year old. But my point is Tiberius was adopted as a man. Like a fifth year old man or whatever. So it's sort of like an Angelina Jolie sort of adoption, right? Well, I guess. She's adopting black boys. Yeah, but imagine if Brangelina then adopted a 75-year-old wife now. Yeah.

You know, so there's all those founding photos. She's got lots of black and Vietnamese children. Yeah. And then she just got these 75-year-old. She just adopts Jeremy Corbyn. And so Corbyn's there with a bunch of, just like Sudanese kids. And imagine, imagine, Andrew is just carrying Corbyn home through the press. Who's this?

This is the newest edition to our family. Emily. I'm, um, um, anyway, right, so,

uh, where the fuck were we? We were talking about Claudius. Well, no, we hadn't really finished Caligula.

So my point is that Caligula is actually, but we'll do a whole episode in Cleggler. Yeah, but Caligula is related to Augustus somehow, uh, and he then,

he gets assassinated after four years by his Praetorian guard. Yeah. Because that's basically, he pissed off everyone but his retorian guard for his whole reign. Yeah. The only thing keeping him in power was the purportorian guard, right?

Who like the SAS, but your bodyguard. So they're the only soldiers in Rome. Yeah. And he basically... And he pisses them off and that's how it ends up. Yeah. So he essentially exposes the empire for what it is,

which is a military dictatorship. And this is why the Roman emperors are the kind of archetype for any democracy that turns to tyranny, right? Because that's kind of the story that we're telling. But it's all about Praetorian Guard. If you have the control of that, you can become emperor. And that's how Claudius, even though no one's suspecting that he's going to become emperor because he's a big nerd.

but he basically gives an insane bribes the Praetorian Guard and becomes emperor. Well, he just like lets them wedge him whenever they want. Yeah, exactly. Can you get up the photo of the Pretorian Guard, Charlie? Because I think in my head they're like, they'll are pretty cool. They got big helmets with the, what's it called? What's that bit of cords on the top of the helmet?

Well, the Ritorian Guard, there's a Star Wars one. Oh shit, so Star Wars, I guess Star Wars, but based their thing off the Petorian Guard. Again, this is why the ancient world. That's why the ancient world and mortgages don't really go together. So they're the guys that look after the emperor. They're sort of the,

I guess they're the bloke standing outside Downing Street with guns. Sort of. But if they're the only people are allowed to have guns in a city, you should control a city, basically. And also every time that some fucking lot of smelly people were outside Downing Street going, nah, nah, they just gun them down.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Buddy Sunday before that meant anything. Yeah. So Claudius becomes emperor. And Claudius is Caligula's uncle, he's Tiberius' nephew, grand, yeah. Yeah.

No, Tiberius's son? But then, I don't know. Who cares? It doesn't matter. Claudius is a fucking big dweeb, and somehow, during that time, he conquers Britain. Yeah, and also, they, I don't know which emperor, but they made sure there was no one blood relatives to Augustus alive, because they're too powerful. So everyone, the actual bloodline.

Caligula kills some people. Yeah, so the bloodline of Augustus is completely destroyed and it's only the adopted bloodline that kind of survives. No, because Nero's related to Augustus. He's the last one. That's why he's the last emperor that they talk about because he's the last one of that line. Anyway, so Claudius comes in

and he marries a woman called Agrippina the younger who is Nero's mother. Yeah, he's a big character. Agrippina is a, we should talk about her. She's like a ambitious. She's the mum. She's Judy Murray.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the ambitious mom who's always there, who's got this kind of like a nasty owl. Just always watching. She's pushy. She wants her son to be. Yeah, exactly. Nero. Look at that.

Look at that. Bloody hell. A bug-eyed Judy Murray. I wouldn't mind her telling me off. Yeah. Yeah, there isn't an Emily Maitless-esque nature to her. so Judy Murray when Nero's born

she consults or maybe when she's carrying Nero when she's pregnant she consults an astrologer who tells her a prophecy that the sun will rule the world but he will Which was less of pretentious

back then to do that No it's not she's not some mad quack who's reading crystals and shit This is normal stuff This is like she's not gone This isn't the most boring person At a dinner party This is just a standard Roman

No she's not a childless woman woman in her 30s who's decided to get into crystals as a kind of last vestige of meaning she's not made her doorways bead curtains and shit anyway her chakras aren't aligned she's fucking mad she's Judy Murray

she's quite a Protestant yeah very much so yeah this I mean this whole era is the most Protestant Rome ever yeah I found myself saying mama every time I hear about this cold Protestant mother yeah Mama

Which is Incidentally That's what Tiberius would say To the Tiddlers Well that's a different story That's a different story What I wanted to say also Is that one of the play groups

I take my kids to When I'm on a Wednesday It's called Little Fish Okay Because it's in a church And You know It's like a

Two hours in the morning There's loads of toys Are you there while they're there Yeah Yeah Good Just make a show I'm just saying

When I heard the term little fit. I now, it's perverted my week. I go there every Wednesday with the kids. It's called Little Fish. And now I know that that is what Tiberius called his squadron of Aquapidos. Where were we? Oh, Agrippina.

So Agrippina's Judy Murray. She finds out that when she's pregnant, that her son will rule the world, but he will kill her. And she says, well, as long as he rules the world, that's fine. Yeah. Which gives you a A tiger mum Gives you a sense of just how insane

she is And she's very scheming Very plotting Yes She's like if If Judy If when Andy Murray retired Judy Murray

adopted Novak Djokovic Right And just then became his mum I'm his mum Now Because she marries Claudius

Who is her uncle Yeah probably So she marries her uncle To basically make sure that I'd hate to marry my uncle I can't think of anything worse

yeah I know either either of the uncles not for me so she's Judy Murray she marries her uncle in the same way that if Judy Andy Murray got cropped Murray goes Judy Murray goes fuck this I'm changing horses Novax my son and this means that Nero will be next in line

because Nero is actually related to Augustus which is kind of the what they want to happen The Augustine line Yeah, they want to continue. Yeah. So Claudius reigns for 14 years from 41 to 54 AD. So this is sort of seven, eight years after Jesus has been crucified. So Claudius' favorite food is mushrooms, because that's how much of a fucking dwee is.

And so they cook him some mushrooms. Yeah. And then... And he's like, brilliant. He's like, I love these. For these picked today. And then... And then they...

At this point, they always have slaves to test the food. and so they is it this one or is it another one basically I think at that point slaves are like yeah we'll kill you as well if you're going to kill the guy what's a slave do you know what I mean? Yeah yeah yeah yeah you just want a longer a poison with a longer fuse

anyway so Claudius gets assassinated and this brings a 16 year old Nero to the throne in the year 54 yeah and for the first few years basically his mum's running the show yeah Judy Murray is running it

yeah he he's Osra locks she got him on the throne so she's kind of yeah she's driving she's like Ratatoui the rat driving I've not seen it

you know the concept of Ratatooie how have you not seen Ratatoui it's a perfect film right I mean you've got you've got kids as well they'll absolutely love it you have the best time

you're going to have watching a film for kids go on I'd say Paddington's pretty the Pannington series at the moment it's pretty good But try ratatooie, it's a perfect film.

The reason, Pete, you can't say the things I can is that you've got the energy of the dad and Pannington. If Paddington Brown's dad was saying she's an incestuous slut. Innocent slut or whatever. It just, the world would collapse. Yeah. Anyway, I don't understand the concept of the rat.

So basically, the rat controls a chef by his hair. Right. The rat's a really good cook. In his hat. Yeah, in his hat. Right. So that's sort of what Agropin is doing with Nero. Or men in black.

She's the little thing in the head. So, Nero comes to power. He's 16 and his mom is sort of for the first few years. Which is like a period where you hate your mom the most for just 16. This is sort of like, welcome to the Black Parade, My Chemical Romance, kind of like, yeah, he's listened to a lot of very bad music. He's slamming his door. Mom!

He's doing that. But he's Italian, so he probably wants to fuck her as well. Yes, it's a confusing. Never more complicated time to be Italian than your teenager. Because I think that's why I think that's why so many of them steal. Exactly. Did I tell you that I used to work,

a lot of my sort of Mediterranean racial issues. Right. Issues. Come with when I was a, I used to want to work at a language school in Oxford in a summer job.

So I used to be an activity leader for a big language school. So they'd cut these Spanish kids would come over or Italian or the same difference. They'd come over and they'd learn English at the school and in the afternoons I take around Oxford

and we'd do like things like day trips they go to the colleges where the Hogwarts whatever swim in the water while I've got my cock of balls so we go to the Oxford

Boathouse Yeah yeah yeah yeah This is what we do What's punting I'll show you I get in the water naked and you are my little fishes

But basically every activity was at some point derailed because one of them would have stolen something from Primart Really? Yes.

Wait, so what's this, what is this school? Who's this for? This is a language school for foreign kids. They come over, they have a morning where they learn English. And then the afternoon, they do activities, which to them means stealing from Plamark. And every time I would, at one point, I had to get a security guard's personal phone number

because he was like, it would just be quicker if I could just message you when this happens. Every time they go, when he's when it they call me heen they couldn't say finn heen heen when it's free time when is free time can we go to primark um they were stealing things that were like 50p yeah right anyway that's probably because as teenagers they wanted to fuck their mom but they also hated their mother yeah i agree lashing out and they were stealing from primark so nero for the first

few years of his reign he's he's appealing appealing to the people right he's a sort of more of a populist He is genuinely used a lot but he is genuinely quite Trumpian Yeah It's a very tedious

thing to say But it's a very tedious But also it makes Whenever that comparison is made I'm like And you hit you And you read about What these guys did

You're like Trump you can go Further and harder man Like get the little fish Get the little fish Get the little fish Get the little fish Get the AI shit

Yeah Get the tight bums back Have a squadron Called the tight bums And get them Imagine if Trump's In the fucking the White House press conference

these are the Tide bums Tidus bums Tidus bums beautiful boys Beautiful boys beautiful bums Anyway The first few years of the Nero's reign It's all pretty good Like people like him

They didn't like Claudius Because he was a nerd The public never saw He doesn't really have a public appearance Right he was a kind of Kea Starma figure Right Claudius Yeah but he wrote history books

Yeah he was like yeah He was just like Oh man on writing books So Nero's just very has a very active public kind of... Well, Nero is a showman. Yes.

He is obsessed with the arts, with the games. Now, it seems to be in the Emperor's remits at this point that they put on like big games. Yes. So, which I guess means they're also event planners

and like, I don't know, the Premier League schedulers. Right. It's crazy. Well, they're doing like the Super Bowl half-time show, right? Yeah, like every... But that's on them to organise.

Right. So they have to run the country. And then they also have to do the fixture schedule for the Premier League. Or with like a clipboard going to like, uh. Yeah. So that seems to be what their job is. Yeah. Anyway, so he, but he's really into the arts.

Right. We'll get to his career as an artist. That's later on. But so he's putting on games. Uh, he's spending money on things that the population can enjoy. Yeah. Rather than just sort of squinting at a book. Yeah, he was kind of the first one to really realize you could just like go straight to the people and bypass the elite.

Well, Caligula had done. done that a bit famously by making his horse a senator or a console but basically he had a horse It's showmanship It's showmanship

It's like it's Trumpian It's Boris It's John Sonia I've got a There's a coin behind your ear Oh And the population are so thick That they lap it up

Do you know what it is He's juggling in front of In the Coliseum It's Boris It's Boris driving the digger Through the wall Yeah Get Brexit done

And it's the journalist going, you haven't explained anything about the corruption, but everyone is so thick, they're like, he's driving digger! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they just clap like seals, right?

But he's a tortured artist, Nero. You get a photo of him up, actually, Charlie, get a photo of Nero up, because he's a baby face as well. Yes. And so what he does, quite early on, is he makes his own festival

for when he grows his first beard. Now, to say, all right, So this is to celebrate the Emperor's got... Celebrate, like, his Emperor's bum fluff, basically, is he makes his huge festival. He lays on a festival of games and processions and whatever the Roman thing was. And then is everyone just like, quick,

did you hear that the Emperor's got a new beard and everyone's running to the... No, it's the first time he can shave. Right. So his bum fluff has got to the point where he's like, this is it literally now, I'm going to shave it. Let's put on some games. I mean, he looks.

No way. He, yeah. No way. There's a real kind of like... I mean, what do you mean baby face? Yes, well, listen. Come on. I guess in the ancient world, baby face is a...

It looks like an orc. Yeah. I mean, that guy at school... He looks Scottish. Hey, now. Yeah, that guy at school is getting... He's getting relentlessly. In that lid, my God.

Yeah, it's one of the shit lids. But this is before... You know, everyone's got a shit lid at this point, right? God. So, it's a real in-cell neck beard vibe. Neanderthal sort of. Yeah. It's...

He's got a, like, that's one of the worst neck beards I've ever seen. Christ. Yeah, it's jowly. It's only the neck, really. Yeah, he doesn't really have a chin. It's neck into, into mouth. Anyway, so Nero's is kind of screaming little rotten nerd. Yeah, yeah.

He looks like he loves to rugby. He does look lucky, yeah, yeah. You can see him in like an England rugby, like, polo. Yeah, I've seen him in Clapham. Yeah. Six Nations. But he, he kills his stepbrother, Britannicus, who is

also part of the line, so a potential threat to his esteemed general, I think, Britannicus? Or is that Germanicus? All right, maybe he's Germanicus. But he kills his stepbrother, or brother or whatever. Oh no, yeah, because

Britannicus is Claudius' biological son. Right. So he's the nerd son. But when Agrippina marries Claudius, he gets, she gets Claudius to adopt Nero, and maybe because Nero's older,

he gets the throne first. So there is a biological air that's kind of cucked completely, which he then just kills. Yeah, because you've got to, I mean, if we've learned anything from...

If it's a Scorsese film, like, you got to, yeah. You gotta whack that guy. Yeah. If you learn anything from Mao, or is it like Joe Pesci and Goodfellas where Nero says, by the way,

we're going to come make you emperor. He's like, brilliant. He puts on a nice suit, and they walks in, oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he poisons him as well. Yeah.

I think he gets poisoned. There's a lot of poison going about and it's like hemlock yeah it's not novichok and then nero has to is married who does nero marry octavia right uh is that the first one yeah yeah nearer marries a a political marriage boring plain jane austere austere do they have a kid or maybe not she's sort of like a rachel reeves what's what's the kind of um how she like rachel rives i don't know just like kind of Quite drab. Yeah, drab.

Shit, there's. Maybe she's Cherie Blair. Yeah, I mean, we think about that. That photo shoot she did. What, the Christmas card? The Blair's Christmas card. No, the one with her sat backwards on a chair. What?

Basic instinct. Shari Blair, is that what you're saying? Yeah, kind of. Charlie, what's he all about? Sherry Blair, um, sexy photo shoot. I'm thinking about, no, the Christmas card. You've seen the Christmas card. You seen the Blair Christmas card where she's trying to pull Potoni Black from starting a fight?

Well, that's great. I don't really... If this is proper Sharon Stone Basic Instinct, Cherie Blair, I'm not sure I want to see this. Oh, maybe... Oh, Charlie, good Lord. Okay, we've...

Look. I think it was actually satirical cartoon that I've misremembered as being real. Yeah, I really... No, Charlie, don't type Shree Blair nude into Google. Listen, she doesn't not look like Lorraine Kelly. I will quiver.

If I'm not ever quivering or... shuddering orgasm if you carry on. I'll tell you what, if Lorraine Kelly was Tony Blair's wife, I'm coming so hard I'm dead. I'm coming so hard I'm dying. If Blair

marries Lorraine Kelly, I'm dumb. I'm jizzing so hard, my ass explodes. Right. Where the fuck are we in the title? It's okay. So who's Nero's wife?

Let's get Nero's wife. Octavia. was boring. No, but Octavia is related to Claudius as well. I don't care. Ah, we need to talk about Seneca and Burrus. Yes. So Nero is 16 and his wife, his mum is picked his wife, Octavia, boring wife, plain wife.

But mainly he is guided while he's 16 by these two regents in a way. You've got the philosopher Seneca. He's kind of the only most famous Roman philosopher. Like, I hear people. Well, I also, I get confused because I think Seneca is a sort of constipation medication. Right, I don't think he

made that. But that must have been why they named it after him. What? Because it clears your... But I was surprised reading this because I've heard of Seneca and he seems to be the most respected Roman kind of thought leader,

but then he was the region of the maddest cunt ever. And so it feels like it comes across quite badly for Seneca. Yeah, Seneca's a laxative. So Seneca... Seneca's just shitting himself all the time.

Yeah. Right. He's a respected philosopher. He's a senator, I think, maybe. Yeah. And so... But, I mean, people talk about him still now in a way that they don't talk about other Romans.

True happiness is to enjoy the present without anxious dependence upon the future and whether you'll shit yourself. I've added that last bit. Luck is what happens when preparation leads opportunity. Now, that does... To be honest, Seneca should start using Seneca quotes as branding. They should.

If one does not know which to... which port one is sailing no wind is favourable this kind of works life's like a play it's not the length but the excellence of the acting that matters

yeah so just pretend you haven't shut yourself wealth is the slave of a wise man the master of a fool alright well I guess you can replace that sometimes even to shit yourself is an act of courage again I've changed us

but um we suffer more often in imagination than reality brackets except when we shit ourselves so anyway so Seneca his wise advisor. He mainly keeps Nero's IBS in check.

Burrus is, I think, the head of the Praetorian Guard. Yeah, big dog. Burris is a strong man. Sextus Afranius Burrus. That's his name. He's a prefect of the Pretorian Guard. But prefects aren't losers in Rome. As we know them now. Yeah. So the Praetorian prefect was

kind of like... You're a prefect. I was not a prefect at school. Fuck no. Christ. Do you know what? This is fun. The first school I went to there was a kid who got made a prefect and then within three weeks he had to go to see the headmaster because he had been dealing porn he'd been dealing by porn I mean like

you know FHM jazz bags 11 year old's idea of porn and he had to hand in his tie the way that a police officer to hand in his badge hand over your badge on your gun he had to hand over his tie who'd been dealing porn to the other kids

as a prefect as a 12 year old or whatever anyway I wasn't a prefect No Did you have any interest in it I know

But you'd have been a good prefect Fucking I would be like Nero Yeah I would have been hosting like sex games I would have made the I would have made the year four Is my little fish

How did teachers like you It was a complicated relationship Because my dad worked at the school And so I And you're obese at this time might you? We need to put this to contest. There's two eras.

There's two eras. There's two private schools that I got in for free because my parents worked at both. Right. The first one, my mum ran a girls' boarding house. And we lived in the boarding house. Yeah. So I was the boy that lived in the girls' boarding house. And then as I started to reach sexual maturity.

And a lot of eating disorders. So you had a lot of extra food. I had a lot of extra food. Exactly. Their plates were often and left pretty full. You're going to eat that? The one bloke. You finished with that?

I'm going to eat that. Yeah. I was mopping up their girl dinners and really piling on the pounds. But also, because there was a canteen and I could eat there for free. So I had a fry up every day for five years, which will pile on the pounds. Just do permanent damage. But then when I started to reach sexual maturity, my parents were like, this is the Incredible Hulk about to pop out. We live in a house of 50 preteen girls.

We've got to get out of here. This fat horny kid, we cannot unleash him on these children whose parents are paying a lot of money. It's like a stud horse, right? Exactly. You cannot run a successful mayor's farm with a stud horse who you haven't constrated. So it's either move out of the boarding house. Stut pig. Yes, I was a stud pig.

In a house of beautiful silken mares. really a fat stud pick reaching reaching sexual maturity and you know when a pig starts coming it doesn't stop you know that you know that it like it comes for like two minutes really yeah because when we were I didn't know that didn't you know about a pig

because I was a stud pig no it's because when Cameron when Cameron was trying to sell our pigges to the Chinese right well he is a lot of a history of pigs so is that was that a tall link yeah no he hadn't harvested it himself when Cameron was a pig's orgasm can last up as 30 minutes

yeah there you go I'd get bored wouldn't you not if you're coming for 30 minutes Charlie I'll be looking at my watch Charlie get that photo of Shree Blair back up and I'll demonstrate I was joking please don't no not that one Christ

Looks like Lorraine Kelly having a stroke and not in a good way When Cameron was trying to sell pictures to the Xi Jinping Yeah Because Cameron was the MP in the constituency where my parents

GGG pictures Cameron was the MP in the constituency where my parents live he took Xi Jinping to a pub we used to go to called the boots which doesn't exist anymore

but it had like sports people's boots but anyway he went on about yeah our pigs come one of the some of the longest which means they have the most

jiz which is I don't listen I don't know and then Xi Jinping's got a translator and he's like, he's firing as translates. I don't really know the ins and outs. But do our

pigs jizz longer the most pigs? There's not many things this country can be proud of. But our pigs will jizz longer than most pigs which is why there's such a premium on British pictures. Well, we should be slapping tariffs on that in this new world of trade wars. We should be slapping those pigs behinds to make them jizz even longer. I think

we should be ticking with their prostates. Oink, oink. What was your second era then? Well, hang on. I haven't even finished the foot. Oh, yeah. So we left the boarding house. Yeah.

And because I was, for the women's safety. Because there was a live stud pig in me. So. There's an active gum shooter. There's an active pig shooter. Ready to spill his loads. Yeah.

So. So in many ways I have saved the lives of 50 girls I'm a hero I'm a hero You're like Oscar Schindler But just

Shindler's pig Yeah So then I go to the school That my dad works at Yeah We don't live there But it is a boarding school Right

But I enter as a As a sort of As a former stud pig Right But it's a boys only school So there's only pigs there but because my dad's what my dad my dad works there he's a drama teacher

he's a fun teach people like him he's fun he's a bit Brent he's like call me jazz you know yeah sure sure he's bringing the guitar he's a cheer out entertainer so immediately there's a bit of cultural capital whereas before I was the stud pig in a girl's boarding house and it was essentially a time bomb waiting to explode now I've got the cool dad Brent teacher

but I guess your stug pig era is your Joker origin story right that was when it's exactly it that's him on the bus yeah yeah So taking up two seats Yeah So then we get to My The teachers liked me

But there was also There was an air in infallibility Because my dad had such capital In the staff room Right And I remember vividly Very early on The first term I was there

I met a teacher And he went Oh Taylor You're Mr Taylor You're the one we can't tell off Right And that lodged in my head and hasn't really left me, which is why... So you're like a prince, basically.

You're like this sort of... I'm unimpeachable. I am Nero. You're the sort of Prince Joffrey figure. Yeah, exactly. It's why my whole act is a man who's never been punched. Right? It's because I went through secondary school with this insane power knowing that it was all

a farce and I'd get away with anything. Now, in the end, I couldn't get away with anything because I was going to be. quite often given sort of detention but then at one point they had master apologised to me for telling me off too hard in front of everyone. Fuck. Yeah. You hadn't around your finger? I hadn't around my finger. That wasn't.

Anyway, the point is I was not a prefect because if I'd been given that power God knows what I would have done. Yeah, it's too much, it's too much. We spent quite a lot of time on my origin story. It's supposed to be out Nero. but should we wrap we will come to an end now

Yeah we should well yeah We were going to deal with him Killing his mum But I guess we'll do that next episode Because we've been talking about my stud pig Yeah Female pigs have a clitoris that is Anagolid to the human penis

And experience in ten orgasms When they're stimulated Well so do some women Yeah Not many I don't think They're a delicacy Right Let's wrap this up

Let's wrap this up So should we just do the state of play Before we leave Yes So I'm a big fat pig No. So Nero is in power. His mum's pulling the strings. He's a teenager. He's got Seneca and Burrus. He's had an organised marriage to a boring woman. He doesn't really.

Boring plain woman. And he's getting, he's starting to rebel against his mother, who he feels is imposing on him. Overreaching. So she's starting to overreach. And he's got a lot of people telling him what to do and what to think. And he's starting to find it. But he's also, I think he's, he's maybe he's starting to, he's just turned 20. And he's into this kind of cocktail, this pressurized can. of a young incal with an overbearing Judy Murray-esque mother we will leave it there

now the next episode will be with James McCann esteemed Australian scholar of I don't know fucking throwing beer cans at Enus throwing beer cans at birds a real

a real scholar and a gentleman he's going to come in and he will talk about the Nero's reign now that episode's already on our Patreon where for three pounds a month you can become a truther

and you get early access to all the week's episodes, as well as a little bonus episode every Friday. Ad free. Some of our bonus episodes have included... Cooney 2012.

2012. Prince Andrew Parts 1 and Parts 2. The Costa Concordi disaster. One of my personal favorites the history of death enestration, which is the act of throwing someone out of the window, which has a venerable history in Prague. It is, yeah, a fascinating topic.

There's also some exclusive full-length episodes, including our history of the rise of the Nazis, which we will be picking up again at some point. Of course. It's only a matter of time. Only a matter of time. Either way, thank you so much for watching listening, and we shall see you next time. Goodbye.