Fin vs History - Imagine The Falklands But With Less Going On | Napoleon’s Final Exile (10/10)

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

In our final part of our epic Napoleonic Wars series, we find Napoleon fat, smelly and trapped in the house.  The Napoleonic Wars (Part Ten) This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh⁠    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠  Chapters: 00:00 - Go Home  07:34 - Bloodbath  10:10 - Come On Ethel! 14:51 - Too Fat For The Barrel  18:26 - Napileseon Bumsfallenapart 24:23 - Fool’s Mate  29:11 - The Long Game 35:50 - That’s A Furrowed Brow 38:11 - Hitler’s Memoirs  40:09 -  Big T*ts 43:50 - Hitler and Napoleon  48:43 - Napoleon’s Penis  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Well, viewers, it's part 10 of the Napoleonic War series. Your distended prostates that have been hanging out the back of yourself since episode six, it's time to quietly fold them back in. Yeah, it's sort of like when Prince Charles folded up the British flag in Hong Kong. Very similar. Can we get the footage, please, of the handover of Hong Kong, please. All empires must fall. It was one of the lessons of history.

It is. including this podcast series. Today it's it's the great mistake that many men make in history thinking they can last forever. Yeah. But we had to,

the story has come to an end. This is the final part. This is our viewers now watching their prostates being rolled back in. Look at a bit with the flag. There's a bit where there's like a folded up flag. Yep.

It's almost like a repatriation ceremony for a dead troop, actually. Fireworks going. Prostates being taken down. Billowing in the wind. A lovely speech. We've had a great time, haven't we? We've had a beautiful time. What a great 10 episodes that's been. I've had the best time talking about Napoleonic wars. But now we must hand the series over to the Chinese. It is their series now. They will manage it. The Napoleonic

It's hard to say. It's hard to say. It's hard to say. But they've earned it. It's theirs now. To recap, Napoleon has finally been defeated on the battlefield, decided. Yes. Waterloo was where Wellington saw him off. There are 50,000 human casualties. Is it named after that Abba song? It is. Abba was first.

That's why they called it Waterloo. Again, it was his favourite. It was Wellington's favourite song, right? It was his favourite song. Again, very hard for the Chinese to say, Waterloo. I don't know what they're going to do with this series now that they own it.

The Napoleonic Wars, Warrington at Walthoroo. I think other names that he might have called it radioactive or summer by Calvin Harris were the other options. For the battle? Yes, those were the other options. But he decided that Waterloo was in there as well.

But he went for Waterloo. That is his favourite song. Bangarang was an option. It's probably the gayest thing about Wellington. It was a huge ABBA fan. And you know what? You can tell that we're just circling the plug hole here. We're just,

we're trying to postpone handing the series over to the Chinese. But the prostates are being rolled up now. Yeah, an awkward goodbye. The flagpoles are bare and the series is in the hands. Chris Patton has now left and in the rain God Prince Charles looks good anyway

more importantly 50,000 human casualties 10,000 dead horses How many horses die in the polionic wars Total Charlie just scores on the doors Nay their name Bodies have been looted

Let's go to the cricket pavilion and see the scores on the doors please Scores in the doors how many horses I don't know there was that many horses Roughly 1.5 million to 2 million well that's completely insane that's a horse a cast as far as I'm concerned this is a sad day Napoleon has been defeated now

Waterloo the battle itself only lasted nine hours yet it destroys 20 years of work yeah of conquest the school shooter has finally been asked to leave the school I don't think the school shooter gets asked to leave well this one does that's what's fascinating the FBI says could you please Okay, put your gun down and go home and think about what you've done

because there's a quarter million there's two million dead horses in that school. You've got a saturday detention for that. Yeah, we're going to have to have a big chat about this when you go in tomorrow. Yeah. Why'd you get suspended? I killed a syringer kids at school

with an AR-15. Yeah. Couldn't get the drama. It's fucking bullshit. Couldn't get the drama class though. I thought they're all trees. I've got absolutely murked. Now, on the 18th of June 1815, the day of Waterloo,

Napoleon, abandons the battlefield, trots back to Paris. As he loves to do. He loves abandoning the battlefield. Now, he expected to find his ministers preparing for yet another campaign. And yet he finds politicians preparing to remove him from power. First thing he does, after Waterloo, at arrives back at 8am, he demands a bath. A scolding hot bath because he hadn't slept in days. And he was suffering, as we know, a decisive bout of piles.

In the way that you'd talk about World War II, potentially being, the Hobbespornian view of World War II being a battle of factories, right? Could you argue Napoleonic Wars was a battle of hemorrhoids? I would say that. I would say this is a hemorrhoid struggle.

Himeroidian struggle. Yeah, you'd have to say this is really 20 years where piles is at the... Piles has never been more important. Yes, it was Napoleon's Piles and Wellington's distinct lack of piles. Yes, because he was a straight man who'd never fiddled down there.

He'd only ever cleaned... He'd used his bum as it was intended. Yeah. To expel. to expel not to welcome invite not to invite.

Okay invite only was Wellington's asshole and he was never asking no one protected their southern border more than

if only Wellington was alive today to be honest our southern border would be clean and it would be no argy

would have even even know what it would not try it they wouldn't have fucking tried it anyway Napoleon quite often

was having baths instead of sleeping he found baths a sort of replacement for sleep this is when this is the one of the west

with Napoleonic things about Charlie actually is you have a... You're a big bath guy, you're a deep love of bath. I've showed you my bath. I've seen your bath. I was surprised about how lovely your domestic life seemed.

That's what everyone says. It's a clean flat. Your room seemed kind of clean. It made me more suspicious and then on the way back it kind of made me kind of angry. Why? It sort of implies that you sort of live

a relatively peaceful life and then on the way here it goes wrong. You just start deciding to, you know, you paint the Joker mask on and you come in here with the state of anarchy. Every man's home is his castle. Right.

Okay. But then, but his workplace is his latrine? Like what's... Yes, and my work is my toilet. I guess that's what upsets me. Every man's home is his castle and every man's work is his toilet. Now, Napoleon had not slept in days and to treat his piles, which had, we can say, lost him, Waterloo, that he was given leeches. Yes.

So, now, run me through that as a man who knows more about piles than me. I would say... Pals correspondent, Finn Taylor. Papa. Yep, yep. Hello. Hi. Hello.

I'm just, I'm standing outside my own asshole here. And as you can see, it's completely fucked. It's a blood bath. It's a blood bath. We've done 10 episodes of Napoleon and I'm hanging out of the back of myself. I'm trying to roll the flag back in. Like, it's like a cartoon tongue at the moment. But I imagine what leeches do is that you put leeches on, on the hemorrhoids themselves

to try and bleed out the piles, to try and make it less taught, saggier piles. Does it work? To drain the trapped blood, relieve pressure. Are the leeches like this is fucking disgusting. No, they're like, they've had worse Mondays. Yeah, they're loving it. They're loving it. They're in different between.

Thirsty Thursdays for the leeches. Yeah. It's happy hour for the leeches down there. It's fucking ladies, like, down on the piles. You don't see all those city traders all up on the street corner outside pubs. That's what the leeches are. It's Soho at 5 o'clock. This is fucking brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. Sun's out. We're all standing around drinking pints. Yeah. So, anyway. There's a schooner score. leach. This is hemorrhoid scorer.

I'm here outside of Finn Taylor's piles and we're going to have 60 seconds for the hundred perfect piles. Let's go. Yeah. By this point, the French people's fascination with the poland is starting to ebb.

Because what once was their great emperor who had given France an empire, had dominated continental Europe. And you know... Made France a brief super state. Yes, exactly. Well, he had sort of... We haven't really talked about this.

He claims that he was trying to basically unite Europe, but he wasn't really. He was trying to make Europe. So he was trying to make the EU. He did make the first EU. That's kind of his legacy. And however, at this point, he's just a chubby, smelly man with piles who can't win a battle. The coalition armies, the seventh coalition under Nick Clegg, they have arrived at the gates of Paris.

And pressure is mounting for Napoleon to abdicate for a second time. Now there was a guy called Marquis de Lafayette who had fought to the American Revolution. You're a big player in the American Revolution. Big player. He's back in France, is he? And he's saying that France must not be dragged into another dictatorship. And Lafayette declares the liberty of the nation is in danger. Because obviously, I suppose you have the American Revolution and the French Revolution,

and they go in very different paths. Yes. In what sense? Well, and that the American Revolution, you know, is it Washington's actually an incredible, you know, he's one of the very seismic figure and that he gets power and then relinquished it. Which is unlike basically anyone in history.

Yeah, it's kind of the defining act of American politics. Whereas French Revolution, it just descends into a bloodbuff. 20 years of bloodbath and then Napoleon. And then a military dictator, basically. And then the king back for a bit. And the fatest king ever comes back.

Yeah, it's a complete mess. I don't realize. But it's also, you can see the two different, the kind of the different way the countries go, can you? Top historian got asked if the French Revolution was success and he responded in one of the drollest ways possible He said it's too early to tell That's good stuff. Yeah, but that's a very droll. That's as far as it gets

Yeah, that's Gandhi being asked about democracy isn't it? Yeah And it's like, oh, what do you think about with civilization? Yeah, can't wait to see it. I can't wait to see it I can't wait to see it come to wait to you know love love you done the place. Can't we just see one of it's finished. Yeah Walking into Manchester real Beethoven brother stuff. Yeah What is it Charlie? And interestingly, something I picked up on is that Okay, go on Charlie. If Napoleon had been wearing boots in the same manner that Wellington had been,

then we'd be wearing nappies on our feet. It's time for race rankings. We've ranked Pakistanis high recently, but let me tell you about Kourulean Indians. Oh, they're performing well at the moment. Listen, they are hot, sexy Indians. They are some hot property. And they are top of my list of my favourite races of people right now.

Wow. I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the Screenrock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings. It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's our vibe. Exactly.

We pretend that we want to talk about social media. Really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil. And right now, Pakistan are winning, baby. So listen to the Scree Rock podcast, if that's the kind of thing. We'll see you there. Want to know what's happening in US politics without getting too depressed? American friction could be the answer. Every Monday and Friday, we analyze the biggest news, characters and mishaps in America.

That's American Friction. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. So Napoleon briefly considers trying to dissolve the constitutional assembly by force. However, his closest advise him said, no, this is going to be another coup. It's over, mate. Okay. And so the chamber passes another resolution to basically say Napoleon's fucked. So like Charlie, they throw that coup into the toilet.

Yes, exactly. Yep, cooing in his hands, throwing in the toilet. and he realizes quite quickly. I mean, this is, this is only a day after really he gets back, that he doesn't have the support. And so on the 22nd of June 1815, Napoleon abdicates for the second and final time. He proclaims his four-year-old son, Emperor Napoleon the second, right? See what you're doing there?

Yeah, okay. Okay, I see what you're doing there. He's four, okay? Is he really going to rule as emperor? now he then gets quite sad obviously he goes to the estate of his late wife Josephine the one with the black gums

and he just goes into her room and like huffs her panties and cries I mean he yeah he basically he's locked himself in her room for three days and just smells all her stuff I think he's asking everyone if he's a good boss yeah do you like working for me

did we have good times did I make you laugh and he's just huffing her pants weeping. It's a tragic end. You know, and I guess it's the, I'm always thinking

with the similarities with Hitler, you know, Napoleon tries to kill himself after, what was it, Leipzig? No,

after his first application, before Elbe, he tries to kill himself. Yeah. But I'm just thinking if Hitler had lived, you know, would he have been,

would we have exiled him, you know? Interesting. Would we, would he be sort of rattling around, huffing on pants? I just, I've been thinking a lot about, sorry to bring it back to Hitler.

Please. But I've been thinking a lot about. Let's just, let's just stop, stop falling the prostate back in for a second. Just leave that little tongue out. I do think there's a, there's a cinematic option. I do think, you know, have you seen the documentary searching for Sugar Man? Yes. I do think there's an option that we find out Hitler's still alive.

And he's Sugar Man. And he's, he's number one in Columbia. Yeah. Well, he's 128 years old. How old would Hitler be if he's still alive? Because there's still a chance. 1889. We've never seen his body.

It'd be... Couta Tenga. It'd be a hundred and... He'd be the longest... He'd be the longest living man in the world. He would be... You know what? He'd be 137 years old

and it's the only person I would wish to take over from Ethel Caterham who is, I think... She's leading. I think she's winning now. I think Ethel is now the oldest living woman. So, hashtag come on Ethel. Come on Ethel.

Let's get that trending. Give her a facial. Spaff on it. Spaphanethel. We need to moisturise that face. She does, yeah, she looks like a cliff. So,

um, she looks like the white cliff of Dover. Yeah, it's beautiful. That's a face that stopped a thousand small boats. Yeah. But what I'm saying is probably the,

the way I'd most like to see Hitler come back. Because we're trying to think, what's the most dramatic way? You maybe want a documentary with talking heads about the life of Hitler. And then you're watching it, as you watch any documentary about Hitler.

And you're just adding it to the pile. Maybe this time. it's different. Maybe yeah. And then there's that dramatic talking head, much like in the Scorsese documentary when they end each episode by introducing one of the key players

in his life, be it DiCaprio or De Niro. At the end of the part one, you see this old 137-year-old man with this old tash, he's got tattoos all over him. And he sits down and he's fiddling with the mic and it says, Adolf Hitler, and then it ends.

I think that would be the best way for Hitler to come back. Yeah, I mean, it'd be absolutely brilliant. A Netflix talking head. Yeah. How old Stillborn Hitler now? Stillborn Hitler. He would be in his 90s.

No, but Stillborn Hitler, we must, Stillborn Hitler is not someone's name. Yeah. I mean, probably in the records, the name is stillborn. We need to give people context. I mean, there's been a long, you pulled that out from a month,

months ago. That was Gay Lord Hitler's relative who did not, who died at birth. Yeah, Dr. Gaylord Hitler, who has no relation to Hitler, which has an unfortunate name. Yes.

One of his relatives was Stillborn. But Charlie thinks that means he was called stillborn Hitler, which is, as we said, probably the only first name you could give a Hitler for us to think, well, that's a bit of weird. Hang on. Well, I've been able to that. I mean, the second name is the problem. We'll get to that. But stillborn. And then all that shortens down to either.

Stilly. Anyway. Napoleon is depressed. He's huffing Josephine's pants. And his reflex, okay, is to try and escape to the United States. He says he envisions a new life I shall become a farmer on the banks of the Ohio

I don't know I wouldn't buy that for a second Yeah really You can't be You couldn't settle down like that No no no this guy's impossible You need to imprison him He can't he can't I mean there's an interesting counterfactual

Would he have if he'd settled in America Would he've lived long enough To see the American Civil War Hmm Well he would have been I mean he you know the piles Was an indicator Yes he probably wouldn't have right

Serious Civil war was that 50 18 50 60 65 is Right, so that would be really an old Napoleon, but he probably wouldn't survive because he would have been his 19. Now, who would he afford for? Because in 1802, Napoleon reestablishes slavery in French colonies. Right. So, you know, what... But you would have loved to see him have one more run out.

Oh, an 80-year-old Napoleon. In American Civil War, a new kind of blank slate. Or is it like Hitler and Brazil? Is Napoleon just there? Loving it. Fetché noir-un-cote cote, Katera, you know? Regrets. I've had a few.

Lounge singer. Well then again, too few to mention. So now he goes to the port of Rochfort where two frigates are ready to carry him across the Atlantic. A frigate. Yeah. Yeah. But the British Navy is... A British frigate.

Is anticipating his move. There's a heavy blockade, a suffocating blockade, patrolling the French coast, inspecting every vessel. And so Napoleon is trying to think these inner circle trying to pitch these increasingly mad, escape plots. They want to force him into a barrel but he's fat and got piles so they can't.

You know, he's trying to get in the barrel and he's like, oh, I've got to go face down but then there's lids shutting on my piles. That's going to be sore. It's very much like,

yeah, he's seen this recent about two days ago. Trump got put into a suitcase pretty much. Really? I don't, I think there was a threat

from a guy with a kind of RPG. Yeah. And then BBC did tell on Trump though. I don't know why they're telling around the tricks though because basically he got into Air Force

1 and then he had a secret way out and went in like it looked like a suitcase luggage hole and they went into another plane. I guess he's just showing them it's like a kind of fuck you. Yeah but I don't want to keep that secret. Yeah but he can't. Yeah. He needs to know. He's also boasting about

all the threats he gets I guess. Yeah. He also needs you to know that he because he gives to charity. But imagine taking him out being the Iranian guy to take him out with an RPG on the airport. Was that what was going to happen? Yeah. It wouldn't be in the airport. No, he's like off the air.

He's in like that little kind of charm. You know the little fields next to airports? Right, right. I always want to go in there, but they never let me. But like going and standing there. Like the final scene of heat? Yeah. Yeah.

Just RPG and Trump from there. Yes, very much so. Yeah. And sitting back on a little bollard. Loving it. Lighting it. I don't reckon you'd sit back. I reckon you'd run.

Oh, just on a chair. Yeah. Police sirens are coming. I did it. Come take me. I did it. In a way, you know. Now, his brother Joseph looks very like Napoleon.

so he offers to swap clothes and stay behind and be captured while Napoleon slips on a ship but Napoleon refuses and says no you know don't take don't take the route for me then the uh they try to he basically trying to think about his mythic end though isn't he constantly he's trying to think narratively well it's the romantic era isn't it so uh you know

the idea that he lives too long so that he's just a fat guy stuck in a rock with his piles nursing his piles for company is not romantic. No. You know, Nelson's death is romantic. Nepilion. Nepilion.

Yeah. Terrific. Nepilion bum is apart. Ah. I was like, oh no, no, stop because you've nailed it and you've gone too far. But actually, Napoleon's bums apart. Bums falling apart. Yeah.

Yeah. No, that's really good, Charlie. Yeah, it's good. So, anyway, basically at some point, the escape schemes don't really work he's worried he's going to get executed

but about a month after Waterloo he walks aboard the HMS Belarusophon and surrenders himself to Captain Maitland and he compares himself

to the Athenian general Themistocles do you know who that is I've got no idea who that is that's quite a smug face is that Captain Maitland there yeah he's got a bit of a Beethoven's brother it's not it's not Emily Maitlis

it's not Emily Maitlis How would he surrender himself to him Very smart man. How would I surrender to Emily? I'd just be naked on all of, just, I'm, Emily, just whatever you want. I'll do whatever you want. Are you covered in calm or poo?

What do we say last time? What did we say last time? I think it was poo. No, no, she's watching us, poo ourselves. And then we're getting off and her going, yeah, it's absolutely disgusting. And we're embarrassed, but loving it. But loving it. Yeah.

God is smirking. He's very smirming that. We're looking at a photo of Captain Maitland now. He's absolutely chuffed with himself. He's got on the podium. Oh, there we are. Oh, look at the captain. dragged him.

Napilesian. That's what he's just said. He's just thought of Nepalsean. He's just thought of Nepalzian Bums falling apart and he's going Oh, he'll hate that. That's really going to eat away at him. Nepilesian bums apart.

But the British essentially, they get him on board and then he goes back to Britain. Is it Plymouth? Yeah. The ship anchors off Plymouth and then basically becomes a fucking tourist attraction. Like thousands of people

come and just look at him and he's just kind of like. Michael Jackson visiting Fulham, isn't it? Yes, very similar. So Napoleon basically becomes a tourist attraction. He walked out on the deck at 6pm every day, waver the crowds, people sold telescopes, commemorative souvenirs, refreshments.

And he's looking at the crowds through a spyglass, and he's zeroing in like World Cup camera directors. He's just zooming in on fit women. He's like, oh-huh, and so he's loving it, you know. The ship's surgeon kept a journal and recorded that Napoleon became transfixed by a general's daughter in the crowd.

He said to the British officers, I never beheld women with such beautiful bosoms. Well, that's nice, isn't it? They're growing big down in the southwest. Milky British women, lolloping along the coast. And again, this is, you know, this is before, chubby funsters.

This is before the British seaside becomes the intense cavalry charge of women are mobility scooters with single crutch. Pre-mability scooters. Hey? Pre-mability scooters. Yeah, we should place this actually. This is 1815.

So this is before the first mobility scooter. Yes. And is it... But it is after a proto-mobility scooter that Henry VIII was designed, was given in Hampton Court where they would haul him along police. Yes. So there was an indoor mobility scooter, essentially. But the external mobility scooter was not invented. Yes, Charlie.

Can you ever see yourself getting one? one of these when you're older. I mean, as a young man, it's actually hard to imagine, but I think that's probably a lot of hubris to that. And there's a sort of,

there's a invincibility of youth that you haven't really considered. I'd rather, I'd rather be one of those old blokes who clearly needs one, has no, does like two fake hips. Yeah.

And like inches at a time, I'd rather be that. When you look kind of like your kooky. Yeah. Random. Random. Who's this guy?

You can't. And even though your personality is not random, your walk begs to differ. Yes, I have a random... I'd like a sort of silly random hip gay rather than the armobility scouter. You want to, like, tripwalking, basically.

Basically, yeah. I want to, sorry, I want to end up, you know the... When the people do the green screen, and they have to be apes, and they've got the two crutches. You know, there's like... With the bumbles on.

That's how I want to travel, but without the green screen. Right. So I got two crutches, and I run forward on all fours. Like Andy Cirque. Yes. now Napoleon has been kept off of Britain he

So that's old people Yeah it's this guy It's this guy yeah Yeah yeah Yeah see that you got his little crutches in his hands That's kind of I want some of To be moving

Now the Prussians When I stand I'm still It's just when I move I immediately go So you want to go grandpa You're like yeah Now the Prussians want to to execute Napoleon, but Wellington is against this.

Yeah. Because he says, again, Wellington is an arch-conservative. Yes. He does not like killing the men at the top. He says, I was determined that if the sovereigns wish to put him to death, they should appoint an executioner which should not be me. So they don't, he's asking for asylum. I mean, this is ridiculous asylum seeker.

Ridiculous asylum seeker, you know. You're not a woman or a child. You're clearly of military age. So this is, I mean, this is the long line to asylum hotels, isn't it? Well, yes. A asylum seeker being kept in the local area causing a ruckus. Yes, it is. And there are people looking at this ship going, fucking hell.

This is a four-star accommodation for the opponent. And also, he is pervin on them. And there's a bit of sexual harassment actually going on for a silent seeker. And he's a terrorist. I mean, this is the first asylum hotel. Yeah, this is G. This is the long road to G.B. News. He's asking for asylum.

No, you're literally Hitler. Yeah. So what the British do, and this is a real victory of empire, you know, because The British, they go, we've got this fucking rock. 2,000 miles off the coast of Africa. We have an island called St. Helena, which the Portuguese had discovered a few hundred years before. And it's now a trading post basically to re-to-wet the ships as they go to India.

And we're going to go send, we're going to fucking send you there. And you're just going to, it's the ultimate exile. It's basically just ejecting you into space. Yeah. Basically in the middle of nowhere. And this is why, as Britain, you've got to have these islands. Is it still British, actually? It's yet another, it's yet more evidence, you know, the Falklands, the Chagos Islands,

San Diego Garcia. Rise up the Chagosians. We need to. Shout out the Chagosians. Diego Garcia. This is why you have to have these islands for naughty boys who you don't want to give asylum to in the UK. It is still British. Well, thank God.

Thank God. Rejoice. Yeah. Prostates back out. Yeah? Prostates are still flying in St Helena. Now, Napoleon is stunned by this news that he's going to be sent to St. Elena. He says this is worse than an iron cage.

He's transferred to HMS Northumberland. There's a 10-week voyage. Because he genuinely thinks that he'll be given a cottage and the Cotswolds. Yeah. And he'll be able to just chill. I do, it must be completely delusional thinking that. But he seems convinced that he'll just be given. Yeah.

Like an or May's draw house, basically. They are ordered to refer to Napoleon as general. apart. This really annoys him. General bumps falling apart. General Bums falling apart. Sorry, General Nopalzian Bums falling apart. And he hates this. So Napoleon plays chess on board.

This is interesting, I thought. But Napoleon is notoriously terrible. And so his French companions, because he's going with like three or four of his closest aids. They don't really know where they're going. And then when they get there, they're like, oh, fucking hell this is far, man.

What I like about him being terrible at chess is it sort of undermines chess as well. I think, well, actually, I'm practicing myself because it actually means I'm a great strategic man. And when it comes to practical applications, because I know chess. I like how this shows that there's actually probably no causal link.

It's got nothing to do with it. It's just a really, really nerdy game. So, yeah, about 20, 20 people of his personal, he's got an entourage with him. He's got the So Solid crew. Get a bit of the So Solid crew up, please. But his French companions are terrified of upsetting his ego, so they intentionally let him win

so he never loses a game. But it is weird. It is weird. This is Napoleon and his entourage on board. But it is weird that someone would be that good on the battlefield and that bad at chess. But then I think Napoleon would have been good at poker. Because really Napoleon-on conflict is about getting someone to do something

so you can defeat them how you want to. Yeah. When chess says that. Is it? Yeah. You're trying to get them to make a mistake or go off to take a piece so you can take a piece. I just think it's so boring.

What's the way you can lose really quick? That's the way you, yes, the way you did. Charlie a lot of Fools, mate, against, is it you losing two moves? Yeah, to an eight year old. To an eight year old, yeah. I was really upset.

How quick is it? Fools, mate. I was like, I didn't even realise that we really started. Yeah. Eight year old. Two moves. Two moves. Yeah.

What was your first move? I don't know. Can we speak? It must be there's only very few ways you can do that. Yeah. So it must be. I just left everyone bummerable. This is Charlie's tactical brainworking.

Now, there were so many rats on board the ship that 140 chickens got slaughtered by this huge rats. How big can rats get on ships? Because also, I think there's rats on St Helena as well and they end up taking his organs. Half a metre, apparently. That's very big, isn't it? Look at the fucking state of that one.

That's Napoleon. He kind of looks like Napoleon. So he arrives in St Helena And he thinks, fuck, this is shit I mean, this is even This is a place The St. Helanans would go on holiday To the Falklands.

That's how depressing it is. Right, right, right. So he's like, I wish I'd stay in Egypt, this is shit. Yeah. And then the British Parliament passes a law To basically ensure they can legally hold him indefinitely. Yeah. So it's similar to the Blair after 9-11.

Yeah. It's like we've just got to detain you without trial. Now Napoleon in 1815 is 46 and while he's on St. Helena he makes best friends with a 13 year old girl called Betsy Balcom. There's not a lot to do though. No and he's far away and you know I suppose this is geographically would this be Southeast Asia for him? Yeah well at Ebertsies Island maybe yeah he stays in her family's garden pavilion while his residence is being built and he flirts with the girl in French because she's

fluent. Well he's having his kitchen redone so you got to sleep in a 13 year old girl's bed until sorry the kitchen's being redone. Your feet stick it out of the end. Yeah, sorry. I'm having to work done so I'm a paedophile for a bit. They spent afternoons playing blind man's buff, bantering.

Yeah. No, Betsy in the Bluff. Sorry? Bluff. Blind man's buff, yeah. Bluff. Blind man's bluff. Yeah, they're either playing blind man's bluff or 13-year-old's muff. I don't know which way it is, but anyway. Betsy insists the fondness was paternal, but rumours of a forbidden island romance captivate Europe.

Does he do the blind man thing so he has plausible deniability of her age? Clever. Very clever. Very clever. Yeah, that's good. Your Honor, I couldn't see her. I couldn't possibly know. That's a good point. Can you just see if there's been any cases of paedophilia where blindness has got them off? Your Honor, I thought she was 16. I can't see.

She said she was 16. That's all I've got to go on. Yeah, you'd have to do a long game with the blindness, though. Yes. You've got to really be seeding that early. Well, you've got to... Like, when you try and get off work

with an illness and you start coughing a couple days before, you start sewing the seats. You've got to be using disabled toilets and you've got to be waiting for people knocking and you've got to get out there. You've got to be looking like this. What I do?

What I do? If I'm in a disabled toilet and there's someone coming in, and when I go out, I'm just like, I'm like that. I feel them. I'm sorry. You grove them as well.

Two crimes in one. You're getting away with murder. I wouldn't, well, I wouldn't be, I wouldn't be groping you if I was, I didn't see. Colin Boone. Colin Boone from Salisbury. Sorry, this is crucial. There's multiple legal cases. Sorry, this is a crucial tangent.

Multiple documented legal cases where individuals accused of child sexual abuse. Allegedly. Were registered blind and attempted to use their visual impairment as a defense. Right. So they're registered on the blind offenders. The blind register, which of course cancels out the sex offenders register. Anthony Webb knocking on people's doors

takes a lot longer on the blind register exactly you're knocking a lot of people's garden fences just turn around turn it away the other way excuse me

I've got to let you know that I'm registered blind who you're talking to mate Anthony Webb an 81 year old former Paralympian judo instructor from Cornwall okay

I mean that's triple Bda right on the bingo card there I think that's history fans a Cornish a Cornish sense say.

Yeah. Claims that the inappropriate touching, this is during his trial at Truro court, was entirely accidental due to his blindness. The jury rejects the defence, convicts him on six counts of indecent assault. But is he, is it inappropriate touching

because he's destroying this kid at judo? Yeah, I mean, that's not inappropriate. I mean, that's just a, it's a martial art. Colin Boone, 61-year-old from Salisbury. Yeah. Police sees 26 digital devices

containing hundreds of, it's a lot of digital devices. Yeah, I bet it was more than hundreds. Yeah. He said, I can't have looked at them or consumed them because I'm blind. However, digital forensic evidence proved the images had been consistently saved in his device over a 10-year period. Interesting. And he pleads guilty.

Well, I imagine also you could catch out some blind people if they had sort of maybe child porn literary erotica and it was in braille. That's the kind of... Well... That's an interesting legal grey area. It's a... Yeah. Yeah. Braille child porn. You know, because it's just dots, isn't it?

Who's being hurt? Yeah, exactly. You know? There's platform Andrew Shaw. Yep. Let's platform him. Right, we're just, we're just, with the opposite of no platforming, we are platforming. Yes, platforming.

Blind paedophiles. Andrew Shaw appeared before Blackpool Magistrate's Court. It's an absolute tour of the British Pedo Isles, isn't it? Cornwall, Salisbury, Blackpool. He was facing charges of possessing 71 obscene images of children. on his computer. He was registered blind. Very low. And had a guide dog. Yeah, but what I say, 71 is a very

rare case. It's nearly always over 10,000 images. It's nearly always about two or three terabytes. It's always more child porn than you could ever watch in a lifetime. That's always what stands out. You know what I said? 71 is, you never have 70s. Do you know what I say about child porn? Less is more. And this is a very tasteful

pedophile. I'll tell you what, genuinely, this is a collector. You know, I'd say that we're sort of maybe experts in the field. We've been covering Pino. I'm not an expert in child porn and like to distance myself from that claim straight away. I mean, we talk a lot about Peter. I'm an amateur child pornographer. I'm an amateur child porn collector.

I'm just saying that we we cover these cases more than most people. Quality over quantity. That's what I've always said about child poor. But 70. I'm looking at this. What a old money tasteful be defile that is. Wow. Well, it's not, it's not, it's rare that you get a graceful child, child pornographer.

But Andrew Schrois. Shaw, you know, tasteful man that he is. It's like when you're buying kitchen appliances, invest a lot of money into them so you want to re-buy them. Get a good toaster. It will last you 10, 15 years. So Andrew Shaw, registered blind, had a guide dog. He had his defence lawyer argue that his severe lack of vision made it difficult for him

to determine the age of the individuals and the images, suggesting he believed he was downloading images of 16-year-olds or adults. Interesting that he didn't go higher than 16. Yeah. It's interesting that it was right on the line. Yeah, because he clearly can see well enough. Yes. So he was like, I thought they were barely legal teens, not illegal teens. Yeah.

But then why is that a category? Why is barely legal a category? It should just be legal or illegal, you know? With the guide dogs. It implies that he's there like, what's that? And he's looking at the dog. Like, can you bark three times if she's under 50? With a stick.

Yeah. How old is that kid? I'll tell you what, in the innocent common, the 71 images does speak to his innocence. It implies he's got a lot of images across the gamut. of legality and only 71 dip into the illegality because that's very unpeedophile-like. Want to know what's happening in US politics without getting too depressed? American Friction could be the answer. Every Monday and Friday we analyze the biggest news characters and mishaps in America.

That's American Friction. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. It's time for race rankings. We've ranked Pakistanis high recently, but let me tell you about Kourulean Indians. Oh, they're performing one. at the moment. Listen, they are hot, sexy Indians. They are some hot property. And they are top of my list of my favourite races of people right now. Wow.

I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the Screen Rock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings. It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's our vibe. Exactly. We pretend that we want to talk about social media.

Really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil. And right now, Pakistan are winning, baby. So listen to the Screen Rock podcast, if that's the kind of thing. We'll see you there. So anyway, Napoleon's on an island on the South Atlantic looking at child porn. That's how he spends his exile. He's blind. He's reading child porn, which is fine, because no one's really getting hurt there.

Anyway, his permanent residence, Longwood is a decaying farmhouse. He thinks it's like living in a grave before death. There are 2,000 soldiers and sailors stationed on St. Helena. I mean, the jobs this man has created. Who's paying for it? It's what? What's the British state again? You know.

This is what's a Bibby Stop Home. This is the Bibby Stockholm, right? I don't know what that is. You know, that fucking prison ship they built for immigrants. Oh, right. Yeah. It's kind of horrendous. They're like a hotel on the floating hotel.

Right, okay. So naval patrols are constantly circling the island. Centuries watching every road. There are curfews for how far he could ride without an escort. He also supposedly, he's trapped with these three other French couples. And it's like a couple's holiday It's basically a polychal Yeah

And it was rumoured that he was sleeping With one of the Albine de Montelon And then Count Montelon tolerates the affair Because Napoleon's showering the couple with money How's he still got money? Where's the money? I don't know But Albina eventually gives birth

To a daughter On the island named Helen Napoleon And the Garrison believes that it's his illegitimate child He's still still singing it about There's still threesomes going on Right at the end There's still cuckoldry going on What is it Charlie?

Is it like a swing is It feels like it It feels like it To do Your mate was swinging the other day Wasn't he? He was asked He was asked

He became apparent Over the course of the evening That he was in the presence Of swingers yeah He was being very pressurised To get into the whole time Yes a hand on his leg And he liked that

No no no No He also had to stay the night He had to stay the night But in his own In his own room I see Yeah

they walk amongst us and there is dangerous they swing amongst us so there's a man called General Hudson Lowe who is responsible for it's a great furrowed brow there yeah that's a furrowed brow

that's who you want to guard someone on an island he's responsible for keeping St. Helena there he's the governor he insists on enforcing every instruction sent from London so they quarrel over who can visit him Napoleon takes up guard

which is nice, but then Lowe won't let him grow onions. Oh really? Because what happens when Napoleon eats onions? He invades, of course. Unions are a crucial part of his war machine as we have learned during this series. He thinks that he might be communicating in code

due to green being a Republican color. Right. So he thinks he's trimming bushes to, it's like a semaphore. Yeah. Anyway, Napoleon, as sort of a psychological warfare with Lowe, start to neglect his own hygiene routines. What is a protest?

Yes, dirty protest. He doesn't shave. He doesn't wash or change his clothes. He takes boiling hot sulphur baths, so he'd sit in a tub for four hours at a time Stinking egg bath. In water that smells of rotten egg. He looks a bit like Adam Kay at the end, Napoleon, I think.

Yeah. Yes, I do see it. Adam K really looks like Napoleon. Oh, Napoleon. Dying Napoleon. Yeah, he looks at the end. And so, now, he looks like Adam Kae in the end. Now there is a scheme to make Napoleon emperor of South America because at this time, South America is throwing off the Spanish yoke, I think.

Yes. This is the age of them all becoming independent countries. Yeah. And so a ship is sent to rescue him, but it got there to. From who? I don't know. Argentina, Brazil. Maybe.

I mean, what, Napoleon ended up in Brazil as well? I know, it's where they will go. So the plan was to rescue him from Longwood, take him to South America, and then unite Spanish and Portuguese colonies into a new Napoleonic empire in South America. But it gets there too late and he's died by this point.

So how does he die Napoleon? Rabbit. Basically, what? Rabbits? It's not rabbits. Before he dies, he essentially just writes his memoirs and this is where he makes his own myth.

Yeah. Because he's basically... So he writes his spare. A Britterri's spare. Yes, this is. And again, it's Hitler writes a manifesto. He doesn't write a retrospective. We've been stolen from us as been Hitler's...

We've been robbed of Hitler's memoirs. Yeah. You know, I'm bidding for them. We've got his objectives. We don't know how much, you know, the what went well, even better if, analysis. Yes. Yes and, no. What am I going to change?

Yeah. So he basically reconstructs his victories. He portrays himself as an enlightenment dictator. Yeah. And something I forgot to mention, you know, he goes to Egypt 30 years previously and he calls himself Ali Bonaparte he would also meet Islamic clerics dressed in like eight different versions of their religious dress yeah so there's a there's a scene in a book I read where he's got like two turbans on yeah and he's

like I get it I don't worry brother um yeah salam alaqam you know he really thinks he is at the cutting edge of enlightenment progressivism yeah and so this is what he paints himself has this misunderstood genius. You know, he's not defeated by superior enemies. He's been betrayed by fortune. But his health is in terminal decline. His piles are raging. He has a persistent cough.

He basically has stomach cancer. Eema in his legs, that's swollen water, isn't it? It has terrible medical advice, seemingly on this island. Yeah, this is horrendous. So he basically has a four-inch cancerous tumor eating through his stomach lining. by late April in 1821 he is violently vomiting

dark thick fluid by May 1821 his bowels have completely failed His bowels have failed His bowels have failed They failed Are you regular I've failed

My bowels have failed They failed today And he's passing Completely black tarry stools Which is evidence That his gastrointestinal tract is hemorrhering Right

Doctors believe his stomach issues are caused by a sluggish bowel Not a failing ball Yes. So to cure him, they give him a 600 milligram dose of heavy metal. Which has mercury in it, I believe. No, not Metallica. Yeah!

So they give him, which is toxic with an emetic. And basically, all this does is rip apart his remaining stomach tissue and gives him mercury poisoning. So he has agonizing non-stop hiccups, and dehydration that causes his organs to shut down. Then in a desperate attempt, to draw out the bad humours from his brain, they shave his head, and then crush a paste made of crushed Spanish fly beetles

to his scalp, to burn his skin, creates all these blisters. So he's basically like... Yeah, it's bad advice from the doctors. It's bad medicine, really. So in his final days, he's in his bed, and he's in the sitting room

because the lights nicer there. And supposedly his last words are France, the army, the head of the army, Josephine. It's not the most romantic. No. Just listing things. Yeah.

And May the 5th 1821, he dies aged 51. I think he was like... Is he doing a shagmary kill at the end? No, it's... It's Wales, Gulf Madrid. Yeah. Gareth Bale. France, the army, the head of their army, Joseph.

And so he dies age 51. Then there's an autopsy the next day. I was surprised how little time we actually spend on the island. There's only six years in the end. Six years. Yeah. And the next day an autopsy is performed and their doctors are shocked by the state of his body. And they said that he'd lost all of his body hair and that he was very soft and had the body of a woman. Slagging them off?

No muscles. They think because of all the treatment or something that he had a hormonal issue. Right. The cancer had caused his hormones. So they got a bit of estrogen. He had big tits, I think. Yeah. Big tits at the end. Bored with big tits like Gail Porter. Napoleon requests that his heart be cut out and sent to his son. Now, we should talk about his son is Napoleon the second, but they doesn't do anything.

His nephew will become Emperor Napoleon the third. He does not. He was a huge figure in the mid-19th century. And we will get into when at some point we delve into the beef tartar of the Franco-Prussian ball. But interestingly, I was doing some research last night, always do your own research. and there is still a contested Imperial House of France So every

Yeah, this is him This is the current Leader of the House of Bonaparte Interesting Yeah, look, he's just like a fucking banker Is he successful? Yeah, I think so So he's the current

He's the great, great, great, great Grandnephew of Napoleon Is he made a lot of them made a play for power? Well, I don't know but there is, so he would be known as Napoleon the eighth, this guy. It's just like, he looks like he just works in Canary War. Yeah. But after his death, you get bonapartism.

Right. Bum's falling apartism. Right. Which is the belief. Bum's falling apart autism. Bum falling apart autism, which is an autism about your piles. Right. But no, it's the belief in that France should have a, essentially, a strong, strong man above the political fray.

And so Macron actually, is sort of... Of anyone in Europe. There's elements of Bonaparte to him. He seems to be of any leader in modern Europe who's not like a sniveling civil servant, basically. He's the only one who has a sense of history as a leader. Totally.

Or his own place in it. Again, it's that mythopitheirley or mythophilia, whatever it's called. He's making himself a mythic paedophile. But then he's also, you know, on Marsh, when that came to power, it was a new party. It completely poll acts as the political.

system. I'm above it all. I'm new. I'm a centrist. You know, Bridget Macron, you know, Joseph. Joseph. Sorry, Joseph. Brian Macron, as she should be known. And so when Napoleon dies, they basically are like, well, he's buried and we're going to bury him here because you can't send him back. And then at some point in the mid-19th century, is it another king or is it Napoleon

III? One of the kings before Napoleon III negotiates the transfer of his remains and then they give him a massive state funeral in France in the 1840s I think and he is buried in this incredible tomb yeah in Paris is it in Lesin Anvalide or whatever yeah and it's like six layers of yeah can we get the thought hey no no it's not like a double decker no yeah there we go there we go there we go Napoleon's tomb and it's designed in a way that you're either looking up at him or you're looking down at him, but you're never on his level. Interesting. Yeah.

There's six concentric coffins, so like Russian dolls. So the first one's tin, then mahogany, then lead, then a second layer of lead, then ebony, and then oak. How come? Hey? Do you know why? It's got like a nuclear bunker. I don't really know why there's six dimmed coffins.

But on the circle around, there's all the names of his famous campaigns, like Alstallitz and Borodino and all this stuff. And then famously, the famous photo, is that in 1940, when Adolf Hitler had taken France, he goes to Paris, he looks down on Napoleon's tomb, he takes his hat off as a mark of respect, and he calls it the proudest moment of my life. And he says, I think he says at this time,

on my gravestone, they will not have my rank because my first and last name will be iconic enough, basically. And is he wrong? And he's dead right. He's dead right. Hitler sees like a beach ball again. Yeah. On my WhatsApp

Hitler's come out in the Times seeing it like a beach ball still nailing it. Can we do Palais Maradona headers please? So there's a nice moment where obviously they played in different eras

Yes. They have a lot of respect This is what I kind of You kind of want between Napoleon and Hitler Yeah This is on like a TV show That they're old guys

And they respect each other But then just for old time's sake You can't ever see them This is what you want really Yeah a bit of this Yeah great Napoleon and Hitler the two goats just showboating.

Wow, that's very impressive. They're good at football. Well, they're very good. Well, they're very good. The two goats. Now, during the autopsy, allegedly, Napoleon's doctor slices off Napoleon's penis, gives it to a French piece to smuggle off the island. It becomes a historical artifact who buys it and says it looks like a mummified eel. It remains in a private collection to this day. And there is, and I was going to ask,

there is a Wikipedia article called Napoleon's penis, okay? Which, now I want to know how many other penises have their own Wikipedia article. We've got Rasputin. Rasputin's penis. Napoleon's penis. What other historical figures have a... Can we chat GPT that, please? Yeah, please.

This is crucial. Because to honest, not being a world leader and getting a penis, Wikipedia article is arguably more impressive. Well, that says something about your penis. Yes. you know Napoleon Blue whales right

so maybe not I guess this is we've reached the end of the Napoleon story he is dead he is buried Hitler is looking down on him

his penis is in the hands of a private collector what else is that man collecting we don't know but that's still out there that penis is still out there

if you're listening send a picture in please I'd love to I'd love to we'd love to have it in the studio actually

along with any other historic penises so to sum up, I mean, how do we Napoleon in France is quite an interesting question because they sort of he's kind of completely rehabilitated almost. I mean,

they kind of, they think of they basically love him. Well, it's very unfrench. It's very unrevolutionary in many ways. They haven't really apart from maybe you could argue like de Gaulle, they haven't really had big political figures that are sort of

dominating in that way. No. In the modern era, it seems to be, it's quite like anti-daz type of nationalism. But I guess for anyone who wants to restate that, like what's Marine Le Pen's view on Napoleon? Are they, do they co-op? Does the right co-opt Napoleon into their mythos? I think they're sort of a Napoleonic tradition, isn't there?

But the whole notion of empire, Napoleon sort of starts. He's Napoleon as a foundation of a modern France, praising his efforts, you know, build lasting national institutions. Strong, yeah, strong centralisation. Yeah. mixed critical perfects. All right. So yeah,

it's left and right, really. Yeah. It's Churchill, right? I guess so. I guess it's Churchill or maybe it's someone more like Oliver Cromwell. Yes, I mean, yeah. You really separate the weak

from the chaff with Cromwell. Yes, but I suppose, what we actually did, Napoleon is kind of as a similar, he was slaughtered sacred cows. Right. Don't call that host people. I'm sorry, sorry. Cromwell was robust.

It's robust against the sacred cows. But I suppose the main thing Napoleon has given us and given me is the Napoleonic Wars, which I still, now that we're at the end, maintain. Box office. It is absolute box office. It is a 19th century space opera of colour, of smoke, of military tactics that I can understand, and I could have done if I was there. It's, you know, the warfare from this point onwards, loses a bit of class.

Loses a bit of class. You know, the Gatling gun will be invented at some point soon in the 19th century. Wars, you know, this is the beginning. It's sort of like a war flesh light,

isn't it? A bit like that, you know, it's like you don't have to work as much. It's the, it's the quick short launcher. Yes, the quick shot launcher otherwise, the Gatling gun is invented

and wreaks havoc in third world country as much as the quick shot launcher does today. Yeah. But this is also the dawning of the Pax Britannica because after Waterloo, 1815, there is not another battle on the mainland

European continent until the Franco-Prussian War there's the unification of Italy There's Crimean War The Crimean Wars I wouldn't say It's on the continent But basically the European powers Don't really all fight again

Until 1914 Yeah which It creates a world order that's not broken Until 1914 Yes And And France We haven't gone into the Franco-Prussian War

We are going to do a series on it I don't know a lot about it But it seems pretty traumatising For the French Franco-Prussian War is awesome because it's basically the Napoleonic Wars but with trains and friend of the pod off of Bismarck.

Okay, right. So we will get into the Franco-Prussian War at some point. And the Prussia successor of Waterloo is what makes then the dominating German state which will eventually lead to Germany. French-Brusherian War, World War I, World War II. Hitler. So this has been the Napoleonic Wars.

Go on, Charlie. The prostates are folded. The flags are down. Charlie. I was trying to get one in under. the line. What I was going to ask you, Charlie, we're at the end of a 10-part series.

What country is Napoleon from? No, with our patrons, bonus, five bonus services, but this is the biggest series we've ever done, I think. What have you learned? Well, I think it was really interesting with Napoleon is that, you know,

he curated his own image through paintings and memoirs. You know, so it's maybe an analogy for how we today curate our own images using social media and AI. And it, you know, it brings up interesting questions. What are you reading?

About truth. What are you reading? Very interesting questions about truth and ultimately there is no truth. It's always a kind of curation. What are you reading? What are you reading, Charlie? My, nothing.

Well, this is my truth. Yeah. Yeah. What does that say? What does that say? Because I just think it's truth. Does that say circumcising the mandem? Stop circumcising the mandem as a t-shirt.

Now, why is that relink to... It's that relevant. It's very true. You know, you have to live by codes. And mine is that we should stop circumcising the mandem. Well, that's the Charlie Onet Code. That's right. So this has been a 10-part series.

And what we'd like you to take away from it is to please stop circumcising the mandam. Okay. From all of us here, a serious note to end on this historic series. Listeners, I hope you've had a great time. I've absolutely loved it. It's been brilliant. Next week, the door will be open. The women will be allowed back in.

The pigs will be out of the shit. Pigs are out of the shit. We'll be a pig out of shit again. I don't know where we'll be, but I hope you've enjoyed it. Sign up to the Patreon for early access and a whole host of goodies. I mean, the archive of stuff in there now. It's astonishing. The bodily and library in there.

It's astonishing. Three pounds a month, that's all it is. Body odoury in library, alright? We've got to go before Charlie does another pun. Stop circumcised the mandem. This has been the Napoleonic Wars. We'll see you again soon. Goodbye.