Fin vs History - In this House We Say Grace with Horse Cock | Vikings (Part 2)

Episode Date: August 21, 2025

The Chemsex Furries head east down the Volga, before Harold Hard-Drive’s end signals the final curtain on the Viking Age The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Light the path to a brighter future with stellus lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLOR.com. And ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. The Conjuring Last Rites On September 5th I come down here with you Array! Hooray!

Hooray! Array! Theodore, September 5th. Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm with Horatio Gould. Hello. We are, this is, we are talking about Vikings. Yeah.

This is part two of our series on the Viking Age. Northern Alpha Chads. The Northern Alphas. Yeah. fucking hot, sexy Norsemen. Yeah. And we left off in our last episode talking about a burial.

Yeah. Well, this is a mythology in a history that we can relate to because we're, you know, northern Europeans. White. What? Yeah.

This makes more sense to us. This isn't a mythology though. This is real. Yeah, this is real, but this kind of world, I think. Oh, see, the burial. Yeah. I do think funeral is very boring. Yeah.

And I sort of, I mean, I'm not saying they should be like what I'm about to say. Yeah. But something that's not just a photo of the fucking, of your aunt on a on a box and then for this story the sort of gym in the office the tim in the office martin freeman yeah looking at the camera going what the bloody else is this is that what you're doing oh this is the muslin oh the muslim guy this is it been wiping my ass i've been wiping my ass i've been fat lad yeah he's he's been fat lad yeah he's been looking at the camera

the whole time this barrel's happening he's like yeah right yeah he's literally going on this Right. Yeah. He's a Redditor. And Viking Brent is there like, and he's like, I can't. Yeah, okay.

So, Ibn Abin Wapen-Mayr's envoy of the Abbasid Caliphate meet the Rus Vikings on the Volga River in what's now Russia. What he witnesses is terrifying. Go on. A chieftain has died. Tragedy. Tragedy.

Tragedy. Yeah. And so what the Vikings are doing is they're going to do a whole sort of burial festival. It's a funeral. It's a big funeral. What they do is they get one of their ships and they like prop it up on the bank or side or whatever. It's kind of like half buried in sand, I think. And he's in there and he's lying down.

He's dead. He's fucked. He's fucking dead. Right. And then they scatter, like they leave him with some food and drink like a banquet around him. And then some like gifts. and then they're like who's going to accompany him

to Valhalla because he's a crew you can't go along by yourself yeah so they then supposedly get some people up volunteers and this teenage girl

teen volunteers now whether she volunteers or she's coerced we don't know what this slave girl yeah I guess suppose maybe when you say it like that

maybe I mean to give her a proper title if she's a slave girl then maybe like the three months market decide. Let the invisible hands. Let the invisible handcuffs. Yeah. I mean, it's your fault for being a slave girl, I guess, if you don't want to do it.

If you don't want to volunteer, you volunteered for that when you became a slave girl. Anyway, she gets chosen to accompany the dead chieftain. Who, we must stress, this is before, you know, embalming or corpse management. He's lonely in there. He's also putrefying. Right. He's like their stinky fish in a tin. Yeah.

He's like a rotting corpse. And they get her and they like, I think for 10 days, but they're drugging her a lot. Okay. Drunk, mead, maybe mushrooms, I don't know, gear. Yeah. And she's treated really well for 10 days. It's a bit like in the Aztec series when you're going to be human sacrificed. This is all very Aztec actually.

You were going to be human sacrificed. They treat you like a king for a year or whatever. Yeah, these are the white Aztecs. These are the white Aztecs. You know, yeah. So they, she gets, you know, she has a good 10 days. I say that. I think maybe she's raped multiple times.

Right. But she's drugged. Compared to what's going to happen, that's a holiday. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the whole thing is a holiday. Yeah. For anyone who's alive at this point.

Well, this is a good day out. This is like, at least they can remember something that happened. She's then given alcohol. And then there's a woman called the Angel of Death, who's a fat woman. She has to be fat. Yeah. And she has wings. And she's the one that's like dealing with the sacrificial.

victim. Yeah. And then she and some men take her into the ship's cabin and the men hold her down and she... The fat woman? The angel of death? No, the angel... The slave girl.

And the angel of death throttles her and stabs her at the same time. Right. And then on the shore, all the Vikings are hitting drums to drown out her screams, which are, to be fair, ruining the vibe. Can you stop screaming in there? Just turn it up, yeah.

Turn the music up, would you? Come on. She's then laid next to Does she know she's going to get killed? She must do. It's a ritual. Yeah, she's like, wait,

because you also, I watched the last one of these. Yeah. Also, you're volunteered, you know, you put your hand up or someone lifted your hand up for you.

Oh, they also cut a dog in half, I must stress. But that's just in the madness. They're just doing mad shit. Is it, is it long way or down the, you know,

what are they doing? There's that sort of free, yeah, but I think the dog thing, I feel that's more. Is it like slinky from, is it slinky from toy stuff? Is it slinky from toy,

story and it's like half there or is it down the middle like a cross section if it's down the middle like a cross section that's much more mental I think it's funny to just drop it in half back end front end slinky yeah yeah we don't know what kind of dog or maybe an Alaskan kind of thing or Russian whatever a Russian dog

what's particularly Russian dog I mean they all carry their dogs around Hyde Park these rich people now when they're probably like a they're massive look at that Caucasian shepherd dog yeah you're not chopping that you need a fucking a log saw to cut through them, like a tree saw. They probably had one.

They probably did have one. Anyway, they then laid them on the ship, more like meals and stuff, and then just burned the whole thing, which does make you think they could have just burned the body. Yeah. Or the ship without putting a girl on board and raping her. Raping her, throttling her, for 10 days. Yeah. It's also like, fucking our funeral's gone a bit too long anyway.

I think so. Ten days. And then everyone there's waiting, going on, when's the wake? Yeah. When do we have the sandwiches? Yeah. We get it. Aunt Polly died.

But also imagine going to a funeral and it being like, well, I'll see it tomorrow then, I guess. Why don't have to meet them all again? Yeah, Christ, can you imagine? Day after the next day. Test match funeral. Fuck that. But to be fair, much like test matches, it grows. Your attention builds.

So you're coming back being like, whoa, what's going to get rained off? What's going to happen today? What's going to happen today? But what happens if two chieftains dying quick succession? Well, that's a month. Is it like, oh, fuck, we're back here again? Back here again. You just had, I'm fucking funeral ritualed out, to be honest.

Yeah. Another thing that I think this guy describes, I've been wiping my ass. Is that, because he was sort of like, he was just wondering about, he's from Baghdad. And he's wondering about, and the Russians are like. A lot of Muslims at this time are wondering about. A lot of the sources of all of this mad shit are always, like, Tim from the office, Muslims just going. What the fuck? You don't wipe your wrong.

ass. I've been wiping my house. My name's I've been wiping my ass. Um, he, uh, yeah, so he sees like, there's like a dinner and they sit down for dinner, he's Vikings. Yeah. And then one of them gets out this preserved horse cock with like, yeah, with like, with like herbs and stuff, right? Like unwraps it in a little box. Well, that's basically fucking Swedish food now, isn't it? Well, yeah, it is. Yeah. Horsecock in the tin. With linberry seed and do, oh. you know. Would you like to write the Swedish Delacacy?

Woo-hoo! Horsecock blowout! Then they basically say grace by passing a horse cock to each other but what they say is all the things you could do with a horsecock. So the grace is,

you can shove this up your ass. That's like a drinking game. That's like a fresh as we... Well, that's what I mean about the Vikings' world's exciting is Viking Grace is a drinking game. Well, yeah, this is...

With a horse cock. I mean, it's fun. Once again, Christians make it boring. Flattening of Christianity. every single little community would make up their own mad shit that's completely unrelated. You know how annoying it is when you go to someone's house

and they want to say grace and they're not joking? And you're like, fuck, I just want to eat. Yeah. There's hot food and I've got to say a fucking prayer. Yeah. You know, imagine, right, we're going to say grace. Look at this. What could you do?

What's that? Is that a dead horse caught fucking right is? What do you do with that? Show up my ass? Right, you can start eating. Who's next? Well, you're new. You're here.

You're a guest. We've heard what everyone else can do with this horsecock What would you do with that? Yeah, what do you do that's basically grace is going Show up your ass, we've had that We had that, someone else, someone else He said that What would you do? Think about something else

What you could do with this? Throw it off, no! No, throw it my neighbour, brilliant. This is like without it. Supposedly it's 101 things to do with the horse cock It's Grace, Viking Grace. I mean, isn't that great? Yeah.

And again, you know, on the rest of history, you always hear Tom Holland wanging on about how Christianisation is the best thing that ever happened to, you know, because our whole moral framework comes with it. Man, I want to say grace with a horsecock. Yeah, I guess they threw the baby out, the horsecock out with the bathwater.

Exactly. That is a Viking burial. That's one of the only directly viewed Viking burials, but then they found in like tombs and stuff of Vikings that they'd strapped like five bears to a tree and skin them and like they did so much match. Oh, they just killed loads of dogs and bears and horses and just put them all on the ship.

Yeah. And it's like, nuts. Yeah. I mean, to be fair, it would make a Protestant funeral more interesting and for just like a dead dog in the box. Yeah, an English Protestant funeral, my God.

There's nothing drier. Like, there is, there's a lot to be said with being a Protestant. Yeah. We're just getting on with it. But as a spectator at a funeral, yeah. It's the only time I'm like,

can we have a bit of Catholic juzh? Something. Something. Incense. Yeah. We're already sad. We sat down and the chairs are uncomfortable. Yeah.

And there's nothing visually to look at. No. And there's just a. in a fucking gown, talking about my aunt. Yeah, and in a language I can understand, so it's even more boring. It's so boring. I want some incense, I want some chanting.

I want some hysterical wailing. I'd like a horsecock, maybe. I'd like to be offered a horse cock. Yeah. You know? At least, at the door. Anyway, so we need to get to, I suppose, what ushers in the kind of end of the Viking Age

is the Christianisation. Yeah. Which, now there's a guy called Harold Bluetooth. tooth and this is in the 960s so just I guess I suppose he's an early millennial yeah millennials they are the millennial the original millennials yeah the thousand year they are literally they've got man buns yeah you know they're wearing like smart casual they listen to mumford and sons they can't go on the housing matter without parents help they're they're losing all of their money to their kid alting yeah yeah yeah avocado toast is really like

ripping through this community yeah causing economic havoc brunch has to suddenly become a cultural Cornerstone for the Vikings, the original millennials. Yeah. And they love random humour. Random. That's why their burials are like that. Yeah. Oh, let's shop a dog up and put it on the ship.

Random. Random. Let's rape a slave girl for 10. Whoa. No bad ideas. That's quite a bad idea. There's a guy called Harold Bluetooth in Denmark, whose dad is called Gorm the old. I mean, Viking names are pretty, I mean, what would you?

When was he called Gorm the old? Does it from birth? I guess maybe he was like Benjamin. button and look fucked from I mean some babies you see and you're like that you're like fucking hell all my friends are having kids every now and then someone sends on the WhatsApp thread oh kid and it's like

tough tough one I've got to react with a heart emoji but it's I mean I'm not I'm not liking it do you know what I mean oh tough one you got a fucking whopper there ugly baby to ugly adult is how linked is it do you think supposedly the ugly baby the more gorgeous

to the adult I don't think that's always true No, ugly bus flies. I think you could see some absolutely fat babies. Charlie, we need a, we need a Norse, we need a Norwegian. I know, I've been trying, I've been looking for about an hour. Really? Yeah, yeah. Is that why you've not been good?

You've been looking for Norwegian fat babies and you've not found anything? Nothing that. I guess because they're fucking, they're all healthy. Yeah, they're all healthy. They all eat fish. They all drink. They're eating horse cock, you know. They've nailed it.

Yeah. So Harold Bluetooth is, again, this is the 960s, and we must stress that as the ugly is the 60s. It's the 60s. You know, the Beatles have just played it in Hamburg. The ugly historians would say, the Vikings are not one people. They're a collection of different tribes.

Open your eyes. Open your other eye. I can't. I'm too nerdy. Anyway, they would, so there's boring tribes around Denmark. And Denmark is the one who's been fucking England the most, by the way. Well, because of Dane law. We're going to get into Dane law.

Yeah, let's do it now. Dane law is, people don't really realize that they weren't just raiding. They actually, when they conquered, York they conquered England. England became part of the Danish Empire and for a while it was Dane Law and it was just one we were colonised I mean I can't I just can't I don't believe we were fully colonised until was it Alfred the Great who pushed them off don't believe it does it make you feel emasculated to be colonised yeah my balls are gone into my body and that's why when you go what's kind of interesting is like so obviously we have all the fucking it's never been

smaller right now we've got the elgin marbles we got all that stuff the British Museum everyone's everyone wants their stuff back it's getting bigger Tell me about Rourke's drift, and we get all big. But, you know, everyone's got, we've got everyone's stuff. Yeah. What's our stuff? Well, it's our stuff now. Yeah.

But the Norwegians do that to us. Yeah, so what have they got over there? They've got basically an unbelievable amount of coins. Because basically, the England was really rich at this time, actually, for Western Europe. We had like a very advanced coinage system, whatever. There was a lot of treasure. Mint. Mint.

Yeah. We were mint. We were mint. Yeah. The Saxons were very into coins. how much does that cost yeah exactly yeah oh you've taken my coins

I mean there is you know lineage in the historians people at school I bully yeah you've taken my coins you know they're bringing in all those you know there's machines they have in tourist attractions where you like frank a coin yeah with like a image and you're just like who the fuck is doing that

when I went to the London Aquarium for my kid's birthday she was just pulling the lever and then she got kicked off by a fucking Spaniard who was genuinely like I'm collecting a coin from every fucking. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. State of you.

Yeah. Who's doing that? Do gold pile in Norway Museum. So this is a British artifact that we are, are we campaigning for it back? I'll say this now. I think it'd be pretty tough if we complained. No, I'm, I'm, it's ours. Like in any museum, they've got so much stuff and they've just nicked so many things.

A lot of the kind of treasures from this era are all in Norwegian. Well, this is devastatingly sad. Yeah. It's heartbreaking. This should be returned to its rightful owners. If we did get any of this stuff back, everything collapses. No, no, no. Because we've got to let them have it.

No, that's ours. Yeah. That's ours. They took it. So like the British Museum being like a full of African and Greek artifacts. Yeah. A Norwegian museum, the Oslo Museum. Yeah, it's generally full of all English stuff basically.

Dreadful. Disgrace. Invade. Absolutely. We should invade. Well, when we had it during World War II, when we were looking after it, we should have taken some of our shit back. Yeah. Yeah, that's a missed opportunity.

Anyway, so Harold, the, Harold Bluetooth becomes, I think maybe he's the first king of a united Denmark. He basically unites all the different tribes of Denmark, and he's the first person to do that. He Christianizes Denmark. And then he links Denmark to Norway, and then it kind of, he's the beginning of the rounding off of the edges of all the fucking bear rape and slave girl slashing. Yeah, he's like, let's, why don't we just drink wine and fucking make jam? rather than raping slave girls and dressing up like furries. Yeah. It's the beginning of the descent into flatback furniture.

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Benjamin Moore See the love But he invents Bluetooth Well no he doesn't invent Bluetooth He gives his name To Bluetooth wireless technology Because he's such a great communicator

Yeah And he combines things And so that's why Bluetooth is a good name for what it is It's a Danish thing And even the symbols Are the ruins put together And there's also a guy

What do you mean about that to Charlie Is that not interesting a deal? Is that interesting? Bluetooth? Well, how about this? That's kind of interesting, how about this? There was also a guy

100 years later called Torsten Pornhub and he was the first person who was at a wank. Are you joking? Yes. Of course I'm joking. Torst and Pornhub.

Torst and Pornhub. Charlie was so nearly in there. He was like, what? Is that where Pornhub comes from? That's incredible. That's unbelievable. The Bluetooth fact, is that interested you at all?

The Dane's invented Pornhub. No, it doesn't really interested me to do honest. No. The fact that... I like it. What if it was called poo tooth? Then, then I'm in.

Yeah, exactly. Fair enough. I thought you might, maybe. I was like, maybe you'd wake up for one bit of, like, oh, that's, you never once gone, oh, that's quite a nice. It's something that, to be fair, you know, this is 1500 years ago, and it connects to the, this is the reason we have that thing that is a part of modern day life. I've just turned my blue tooth off now, so I don't connect with this,

like the symbols on the phone. Nothing. Poo-toes would have been good, but boring. Fair enough. Poot-toe's. Yeah. So he converts to Chris off. Christianity in 965, which is probably because of the reality of the Holy Roman Empire, which is Germany.

Yes. And he's Denmark. So, and he wants to trade with them. Yeah. So a lot of, the North mythology works for like, war and battle, but it's not like this. They're not, they're quite flipping with it, it feels. Like, they'll become Christian if it helps for trading. But so apparently a lot of the time, they were like, yeah, we're Christian.

And then they still, like, just sacrifice kids or whatever. Yeah. But it's not like they're like, they believe in the same way a Christian is like their whole life is about being a Christian. Yeah. That's just their worldview. It's not really like this kind of like, this is what we believe. No, they'd be like, yeah, I'm a Christian.

Can I have some money? Yeah, great. And then they just go back to being a Viking. They don't understand what a Christian is. Yeah. So they then start, he then starts like burning pagan temples and starts to assert like, it's quite muscular Christianity. Right.

Robust. It's robust. Yeah. And he establishes a Christian infrastructure, blah, blah, blah. Are there pagan Viking temples? Well, in Iceland, I imagine there is. What's the parliament in Iceland? Yeah.

Right. The Alting, the old thing. So when the Vikings colonised Iceland, or were the first people to be in Iceland, basically. There was no one in Iceland before. There was just Björ coming to Iraq. Still there. It's all so quiet.

And then, yeah. Yeah, I mean, imagine that. Yeah. Find Iceland, then she's there. I'd go over time back. I'd fucking hell. No thanks. Iceland's first parliament, the Alting.

Alting. Alting. Alting. It was established in 930 AD at Pingvil, Tingville, making it the oldest existing parliament in the world. It served as the Supreme Legislative

and Judicial Authority for Iceland until 1262 when Iceland came under Norwegian War. Yeah, I guess it's a parliament. But it's like, it was like in a valley where the voice is echoed. Right. Because people just shouted down stuff.

Don't do that. Yeah, I guess that's a parliament. But it's also like when they say like China invented football. Jaina. And it's just them kicking heads down a hill. Yeah.

It's like, well... If you did, then you'd be better at it. Yeah, it's not really. But when you took the head away, you didn't give the fuck. Yeah. What is it? Vikings aren't genetic, are they?

They are genetic. Yeah, there's Viking blood. We're talking about the Norse. It's a peoples. Yeah. But could you just, could they have gone and made like a... Well, the other thing is they were massive, they had, they made slaves, right?

Slaves. Well, yeah, so a large part... So supposedly the word Slav comes from slave because they would enslave Eastern Europeans. Yeah. Which, to be fair, I think I would be very good slaves

they would be great tatted great workers great workers cheaper lovely Pilsner terrible dress sense but what they do because the Vikings spread in both directions there are Viking raids from like

Ireland and Britain and then they take those people and they send them east to become slaves Irish slaves English slaves English slave British slaves I've got slave heritage I've got slave heritage I was in the fields

This is a GV News talking point I was singing in the fields Well you might have said So do I have slave heritage Why don't we talk about Why was there no films about my slave I was 12 years of Viking slave I'm humming green sleeves

And if it do Do do do do do do do I mean the music doesn't slap quite as hard But yeah I'd love to make a film About white slaves And then try and claim it's not political We could do that What are you trying to say this film

No I'm just telling a story I've just chosen to tell this one I've just chosen to tell this story What's right is an interesting story No one's told this story You know, we know all about black slaves We don't know about white slaves What was their life like?

Who was their massa? Must have felt great to have white slaves though But these are, this is white on white slavery Right This isn't the Norse, the Aryans taking the Irish In our community In our own community Ravaging us

It's terrible time to be a white person We need more, you know, white role models Standing up for our community Yes, we do Oh fuck, we haven't talked about Blot! There's a genuine part of Viking

rituals called blot yeah I saw that in the notes I don't know if you'd changed it to that no no it's it's called blotot what is it blot is a sacrifice and it's often performed

to honour the gods ancestors or spirits of nature so this is part of the German blot probably comes from Norse as well god sacrifice yeah so part of the reason when Hitler's doing that he is connecting to a lineage going all the way back to a Viking who's set on fire to the wrong person

and going, blot! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just killed the wrong person. Hardcore. Yeah, pretty hardcore, blot. So, yeah, so they blah, blah, blah. They make, they're white slaves. I mean, that is just a minute silence for all the white slaves.

And you still feel it today. You do, you walk around Russia, you know, you walk around Bulgaria, Romania. As I often go, I often go. Because even though the whites aren't enslaved today, the systems of power have still been set up to the point where you still feel it. today. You do still feel the structural racism of 1,500 years white slavery, you know? I certainly feel it. When I go to Norway, I just don't feel like I'm welcome.

Yeah. You know, if I go for a job interview at a Norwegian company, they'll see my name and they'll be like, nah. Nah. Do you know what else they do? What? They just touch my hair. Do they?

Yeah. They don't even ask. They just can I touch it? They always making fun of my accent. Always making fun of my accent. Yeah. Yeah. Well, fuck Norway.

Fuck Norway, man. Norway, man. Norway. Norway, man. Even wiping my ass in Norway. Norway, maybe I'm up in my eyes. Even wiping my arse. Anyway, so Harold Bluetooth signals to start the Christianisation of the Viking regions,

which will ultimately end the Viking Age. But who's often called the last Viking who we need to spend some time with is a guy called Harold Hardrada. And Hard Rada means hard ruler. So it's an wrecked king. He's just a fucking. Hot, stiff-cocked king. Harold's stiff-cock.

Harold. Harold Hard drive. He invented the hard drive. Yeah. There's Harold Bluetooth. There's Howard hard drive. There's Torsten Pornhub. This is how...

These are all the things that we still have today. Sven Myspace. Spend MySpace. There was John microphone. The Simon laptop. You know, all these Vikings. Neil Cable. Yeah.

Iron Air Fryer. Iron the Airfriar. You know, all these domestic appliances. Klaus Mouse. Klaus Mouse, you know. And you say this isn't interesting, Charlie. Anyway, Harold Hard Drive, the last Viking King. So he is the half-brother of Olaf, who these guys like ruling Norway, I think.

After the Bluetooth's made that connection between Norway and Denmark. I imagine it's that kingdom, right? Isn't Bluetooth just Denmark, though? I thought Denmark connected Norway, Bluetooth connected Denmark. Denmark and Norway. That's kind of the... And parts of Norway. Yeah, you're right, yeah.

So I think, yeah, so the first Bluetooth connection was Denmark and Norway. So the first, like, I'm watching porn and I want it on the speaker. That's Denmark and that's Norway. Yeah. Just a relatable experience. Top of my day. First thing, I'm watching porn. I want it on the speaker.

And then I want to put the speaker outside my neighbour's front door. The first time that happened... You know what I'm doing in here? That. That's what I'm doing. You got a problem with it. I'm very aggressive when I masturbate at home. I want all my neighbours to know

and I want them to say, do you have a problem with it? Because this is what I'm doing. I've got two wireless speakers that are stereo and I just play it in the street. If you don't like it here, if you don't like the way we do things here,

then move. That's what I do. It's about cultural assimilation. This is how I do things on my street. If you don't like it, you can fucking leave. So, what are we talking about? Oh yeah, Harold,

that now what's that you've just got up there that's uh you and erasure holding a big viking baby i think you maybe adopted him and he he's lost it's a young rapist there i think you wouldn't know how to hold a baby do you not i can't imagine you holding a baby you'd hold it like this you'd hold it like you'd hold it like you see people holding up big fish yeah like a car yeah exactly my my worry is that if i have babies which hopefully i will that will be everyone's worry yeah i don't want to get annoyed with it and shake it and break it yeah yeah Are you worried about that? No, that is one of the first things they say in the class.

In fact, the only thing I remember from that class, which is what it's there for, the anti-natal ever called. The anti-immigrant. The anti-immigrant class. Sorry, the anti-natal. It's confusing. It's confusing. You went in with the wrong attitude.

You only realised halfway through. You got anti-natal at 10, then you've got anti-immigrant at 11, and sometimes I get... The one thing they say is, no matter how sleep deprived and a normal... and you know impossible it is don't kill your kids don't shake the baby no because like you know you're holding it all the time yeah and it's like just sleep pull yourself together woman just fucking come on stop crying they they they yeah that that that will fuck them up because the brain's all loose and it's what does a what does a what does a shuck and baby grow up into what does it like podcast

producer because there's all these things that you hear and I understand it but I wonder if people haven't listened to that and I like what are the lifetime ramifications like what happens I think it dies. I think you'd literally... No, it doesn't die. It just might get brain damage. Imagine getting brain damage just from a bin Shooker's a bubba.

Shooker's a bubba. What's wrong with him? Maybe Shooker's a bubba. He's got Dan Snowdum. Dan Snowdum. Shugger's a bummer. Yeah, it's called Shaky Baby. Shaken baby syndrome.

Is it? Can we get a picture? Get it. Get up. Shaking baby syndrome. I like my baby's shaken, not stirred. James, yeah, James Bond's not having kids. I think she's got it, maybe.

Oh, fuck. The face is. and messed up. Pale or blue skin, lethargic eyes. Wait, wait, they get, they were turn white.

That one. Well, it's like when you turn the pen upside down it reveals the naked woman. You just shake a baby and turn the baby upside down. I think this is like, you can get the white privilege,

but they've got Down syndrome. Right. So you got, it's a real. The devil's pack. Either or. Anyway, yeah, Harold hard drive. Now he's...

Howard Hardcock. Harold hard, stiff, hardcock drive. He, as a baby, he's supposedly, the Norse sagas we haven't even said what a saga is What is a saga

What a day What a day That's a Harvey saga What a day Yeah The saga's A saga is like Viking for story And so these are kind of

In the same way the Greek myths Tell us these epic poems Right right So it's an epic story But some of this guy actually existed And the saga is where we get A lot of this stuff from But it's kind of blends myth

and realities So that's why it's quite awesome pick So Harold Sigurdson born in 10-15, half-brother of Olaf. Now, Olaf is the head of this bit of Norway. Right. And supposedly age three,

him and his brothers are like playing in a field and his brothers are doing something like gay, like farming. And I want to raise cattle. And then this guy's like, I want to build a ship. He's like Brian Blesner as a kid. And Olaf's like, oh, mother, you are raising a warrior.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love that shit. There's a particular type of autistic speak, medieval autism speak Brian Blessed adjacent where it's very close to Chinese if you just are up being Oh wait so it's just like

the jowliness of it The jowliness of it It's so close to it Yeah And the same way that you could be Kirstarmer And it goes to part You piss my foot on a spike

Yeah And then you've got Josh Willickam shawmosh It's all one line Yes it is a lot Yeah In the same way that you got They're all English

So this jump is Yeah it is very close To a succulent Chinese meal But then change What's the Chinese? What's the charge? What's the charge? Get your hands off my penis!

Get your hands off my penis! Now Chinese. Get your hand off my penis! You know what I mean? It's very close. Yeah, there's something. It's very close. You know, as again, I'm an amateur linguist.

Has he just died? He did die. Jack Kirschor, is his name? Jack Kirschorne. Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest. Yeah, it's a great... Jack Carlson. But he, I imagine he, as we were talking last episode, about the Viking mindset,

it's this guy. Yeah. You're under pressure being, being fucking arrested, performing, that's the Viking, he's a Viking. There's a, yeah, there's a, yeah. Gentlemen, this is democracy, get your hands off my produce! I love it.

Yeah, R-O-P. In my head, this is how I'm, if I'm ever arrested, I'm doing this. This is you getting cancelled. This is me getting cancelled. Get your hands off my pillow. Just not people. I think why we love this video is the dignity of the man,

you know, being arrested from a Chinese restaurant, how he maintains a lot of... So clearly absolutely battered as well. So, anyway, so Harold, yeah, so as a three-year-old, he's, like, already chopping shit. Beat his mum up. Beating his mum up. He's coming home, pissed on fucking baby formula. There's been a massive battle, the battle of Stiklostad, 1030, where OLAF goes up against all these angry peasants.

Right. And because it's all warring tribes, OLAF's trying to conquer another bit of Norway. And the tribe of peasants are like, fuck off. Yeah. And then they kill OLAF. and 15-year-old Harold is one of the only people like emerging from all the corpses

on the road. And he flees supposedly gets taken in to the heart. So like the power of his family is now collapsed Yeah He's on the run

He's a print on the run. So he goes, he goes to the Kievan Russe And joins the Varangian guard So he goes to Constantinople Which does Vikings call Miscregard or something?

Yeah because they actually think It could be Is it, was it like Was it like not? Asgard Asgard, but they think it's like Asgard, I think. So Asgard is their city on the hill, they're Jerusalem. They're like where Valhalla is.

They think Istanbul is Asgard, basically. Yeah, which is fucked. Yeah. Yes, please, my friend, you're thinking that's heaven? Pretty lady, pretty lady. But it's not that. This is Christian. This is Constantinople.

This is, there's actually kind of, they're Greek Christians, actually. Blackstock Road. That's what they think. Right. Yeah. All the Turkish restaurants. Yeah, yeah. Mangal.

Green lanes. That's what they think. So I guess like, yeah, these would. tough, scary men, and now they work at Games Workshop. Yeah, yeah. That is the problem with a lot of this. This is genuinely pretty hardcore. You know, the vibe is pretty fucking sick, to be fair.

Yeah. But modern day people who carry in this on are the fat autists with a beard. That's the problem. It's ruined by its fans, which you don't have with the Nazis. You know, I see people talking about the Nazis. I think, I want to go for a drink with you. I see people wanging on about the Viking mythology, and I go, get off my lawn. Right, right.

Get out in my pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go home. Get a job. I'm Chris Hadfield. I'm an astronaut, an author, a citizen of planet Earth. Join me for a six-part journey into the systems that power the world. Real conversations with real people who are shaping the future of energy.

No politics, no empty talk. Just solutions-focused conversations on the challenges we must overcome and the possibilities that lie ahead. This is on. energy. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. So supposedly has this insane life. He goes down the vulgar. It's like he pray love. He's like, he goes. Discovers who he is. Yeah. It's like fucking rape kill. Yeah. It's not eat pray love. It's rape kill pillage. And he goes to, so he's in Constantinople for a bit, joins the big guard. And then the guard go everywhere. Supposed they go to like Sicily and like Turkey. They go on fucking big stag do. Barangian guard. It's a

Jersey boys on tour. Yes, it's sort of the jersey boys. Maybe it's the opposite of the Jersey boys. He then goes back to Norway in about 1045, rich, battle-hardened. Yes. And he then kind of like takes, is he a battle to... Force power sharing with his nephew, Magnus the Good. Magnus the Good.

I mean, what kind of Viking name would you have? I don't know, fucking Gould the Gobby or like, it would be fucking Gould the Specky or like... Gould the Specky. Yeah. Charlie the Thick. Yeah. Finn the fat Finn the fat

Yeah Fat Taylor Finn the fat Might just be Fat the cunt Yeah Fat the cunt Fat the cunt

Fat the cunt Charlie the cank Maybe I'll be Specky the spaz Charlie the Tard You'd be You'd be retarded the thick I think it'd be

Retard the thick As if Ritau wasn't enough No no Even amongst retards The thick And you're like They're like they're king Yeah

yeah they bow and they see you what would they have me do would they put me out in the field would they put me into battle or like would yeah you're a berserker no you're someone dies and you go yeah fucking I got on the shit

where we go in and then you don't no you're a berserker where you've gone to the wrong you run the wrong direction but me going berserk because I'll just eat everything yeah exactly I'll have a mushroom and put like a dog on and then just like how are we eating

you have an edible and then you get really high and you get the munchies I'll just eat the whole village's fridge and then like fucking hell he's gone berserk he's eating everything he's clean

at the store cupboard. He's just downing tins of tomatoes. I've never seen anything like it. That's tin stuff. They love putting stuff in tins, I think. I mean, maybe is this where fermenting starts? Because it's cold? Maybe. The first pickle. No, I'm sure. In the ancient world, we haven't placed any of this. They're going to be livid,

the thickos. I think the Koreans are doing kimchi. Yeah, ancient world, for sure. The first pickle is at 22,000 BC. Well, we talked about the... First pickle. We talked about the fucking... That's insane, isn't it? That's blown my mind.

What, how old the first pickle is? But I reckon it was, I don't think it was like out of the tub you get now. I imagine it would have taste pretty horrible, the first pickle. You know, there's a Chinese, the thousand-year-old egg, or a hundred-year-old egg. You know, they do that? No, I don't know about that. It's like a delicacy where they basically preserve an egg. A century egg.

It goes black. And it fucking honks. Is it nice? No, it's disgusting. It's probably the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. You've eaten it? Yeah, I've had a century egg. I don't know a little bit of it.

What does it taste like? Ash. So that egg, when you ate it would have been. put into fucking pickle. I ate the egg in 2015. So it would have been 1950. It would have been while... Passiondale.

Yeah. So before communism even reached China. Yeah, that's why I was like, I'll have this egg. This is the only pure egg in the world. This is an egg that existed before communism hit Russia. Yeah. Yeah, it was one of the grossest things. It's like eating sulphur.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's hardly surprising, I guess. I mean, the Chinese... I don't know what you kind of expected, I guess. No, I wasn't like... I didn't think it was going to be like a pudding. Oh. This actually fucking tastes like a fucking old egg.

A hundred year old egg. But, you know, to think about it, this is an egg. You know, when you see a tree and you're like, think of what you've seen. Yes. That egg I ate was an egg when Hitler was alive. The things you've seen. It was an axis egg. Well, there's that the fucking Norwegian delicacy.

We talked about it quite a few times. I think it's Swedish. Swedish. So, can you find what the delicacy? Oh, man, the videos of the woman who gets out on the bus. I think we talked about this on the Rise of the Artsy's. We talked about it's quite a lot, but it is very funny. There's a video of a Welsh woman on an Arriva bus,

and she opens the tin. And she gets a lifetime ban from local buses, because she opens the buried fish dish. So what they do is they bury it underground. But I swear it doesn't look, it's not in like a can. It's Swedish for ears. It's tinned. It's sour herring.

And it's like Baltic sea herring traditional since the 16th century. Okay. So they weren't doing this sort of stuff. No, they weren't doing it then. But pickling must be how they're. survive. Yeah, but I thought they had one which they buried under the ground for like a year. Yeah, that is.

Is that that that's it? Yeah. And you said it was to remind them of like how lucky they are to eat good food. I guess so. But there's now a challenge where you have to open people like English people in their gardens are opening the tin. And literally they do that. And they touch the ring pool and a bit of their escapes. And immediately everyone's so funny.

So anyway, he then becomes the ruler of Norway, 1047. we should place something yeah 10.47 so that's I guess that would be he's a millennial it's first millennial yeah right so it'd be after the fucking

after the fall of Rome and before the invention of the pizza I guess went to pizza invented 880th century yeah lovely perfect absolutely perfect

well I guess that what I did there was the Italian dark ages right yes Paul of Rome invention the pizza. What's going on? And I include the Renaissance in there. Because when we did it, it was very, very boring. And the whole time I was thinking, when did they invent pizza?

Yeah. So at some point in the early 11th century, there's a guy called Canoe. Millennial. Yeah. Cair. Yeah. I mean, it's so hard to not look at it. Like, it's just a spelling.

This is a typo of Cun. Canute the cunt Canute the cunt Fat the Canute So he was So he's the I think he's the first Viking To sort of make like an empire

The North Sea Empire North Sea Empire So he unites those kingdoms Canute Can't Yeah And then I think Harold hard drive

Is trying to like restore These territories to that So it's his Because everyone Everyone in 10666 The whole thing is everyone has a claim to this new throne in the power vacuum. Yeah.

So I imagine his claim is this, something to reclaiming this empire, right? Yeah, so supposedly he's massive. He's also a poet, which is weird, and I sort of try to ignore, because it's not my image of what a Viking is. Yeah, yeah. He loves writing poems.

Winging. He's a winger. Anyway, he's like a guy who's ripped and writes poetry. Chris Williamson. Pick one. Yeah. Do you what I mean? Aphorisms.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's Norse Chris Williamson. Yeah, Chris, well, What do you think Viking spoken word sort of looks like in the... I can't think of anything I'd less rather think about. Than Vikings spoken word. Long ship. A long for my ship.

Yeah, maybe the problem with society is there's not enough raping. Like it's a reverse. Right. What was the thing about Canute who tried to turn the waves back? You know about that? No. Canute in the waves. This is like a famous thing.

Well, this is probably about periods, isn't it? King Canute. Women's periods. in the sea. He found his wife so mental once a month that he tried to

just Google King Can't King Canute waves King can't That's me Waves waves In this story Canute demonstrates

It's flattering Quartheirs That he has no control of the element explaining the secular power is vain compared to the supreme power of God

Pretty dull stuff So he goes Look at this And then the sea doesn't move And he goes See I can't do anything Yeah

But why is he having to do that? I guess it's like it shows how like even-handed he is as a king. Piety and humility of a king saying, look, I don't control the waves. That's like, yeah, you're not Jewish. That's like people are like, oh right, so he's trying to escape a pogrom.

Yeah, exactly. I'm not Jewish, look. Nothing happens. I was going to say that's like people who want a medal for like not raping someone. What? I didn't, I didn't do it. Yeah, great. You're not meant to.

Yeah. Brilliant. Look. No one's writing like king. King Cump the Great, who didn't rape someone. Anyway, we need Harold Hard Drive. So, yeah, so 1066, I didn't, obviously, it's like one of the first thing you learned at school.

I didn't, I'd have forgotten about the whole Viking element. Yeah, because it's the end, kind of the Saxon age and the Viking age all in one year. Because the Vikings have, throughout this time you've been talking about, the 200 years, they've just been constantly coming and going, and there's been Ragnoloth, Brock, maybe, there's been King, Cun. They've all been coming, and there's various times

they control York and the North, That's why Northerners are like, hmm. But, yeah, what's happening in 1066? Well, what's interesting about 1066? Because obviously, I feel like we know it so well that you're almost bored of it. So you don't, you can't really view it as an interesting topic because it's just so dark. It's also, it's a tapestry in my head.

Yeah. Which is the least, you know, again, it's like the most boring thing possible. But what is interesting, I think, is that you have winning the conqueror, you have Harold Godwinson and you have Howard Radha, who are all in their own rights, incredibly talented, kind of once in a generation sort of, of leaders who any of them could have won this. It was all up for grabs

basically. Yeah. And Howard Hardrider to try and make a claim for the English throne comes in, I think through York or maybe Hull. He lands on the up, up the Humber. And then Harold Goddinson hears, oh fuck, I know that William the Conquer is coming, but I've just

heard that they're attacking from the north. So he gets his men and a iron man run of the whole country in about four days, if not less. Like, they sprint the whole way. Fucking out. And how they managed to basically defeat Howard Hardrada,

who's a great military leader as well, who's got a great force, is they just weren't expected them to have all done Iron Man so much. They didn't expect them to have done like ultramarathons for the whole life. And Howard Howard? They arrive basically three days early because they fucking sprinted the whole way. They defeat them at Stanford Bridge,

Battle of the Bridge. Battle of the Bridge. Bloodbath. Blood bath. And I don't know what the lone survivor on the bridge is. Yeah, there was something about, there's a heroic last stand by one Viking on a bridge at Stamford Bridge,

just like killing off. So basically it's a tough battle, but they do beat them. Hardrida dies at Stamford Bridge. That's kind of the end of the Viking age. He gets an arrow in the throat. Yeah. Yeah.

So his last words are, Oh, go, go. Yeah. And is that why Chelsea's ground is called Stanford Bridge? It must be. It must have something to do with it. Named after a local stream and two bridges that are once in the area. I guess everything is called Stamford Bridge during this era.

Right. There's a lot of Stamford's and there's lots of bridges that go through Stamford. Right. Okay, fine. So it's got nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with it. Yeah. And then part of the reason they lose against the Normans is they then have to immediately run back. And they lost at the, was that the Battle of the King Power?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They had to go down and it was, yeah, the Battle of the Sports Director arena. Yeah. so the Battle of Stanford Bridge September 25th 1066 yeah yeah Harold Godbardson

marches 185 miles in four days just like blast it and they're not ready for it and then the Vikings don't have any they and put their armour on yeah and they're probably they're not even hard the berserker aren't higher they haven't taken any of their gear and they'd arrived in 300 ships

yeah and at the end of it only 24 go back so they fuck them up so they're all dead sorry so the initial Viking resistance is led by one berserker holding a bridge on his own. Right. So there's one guy who's dropped to the right time. It's like, I'm coming up. I mean, that's, that's, that's sick.

Yeah, that's come on. To be a guy, a furrowy on a bridge. As opposed to nowadays where they're under a bridge doing unspeakable things. So Harold Goodwinson. Yeah. Then has to, what's... Who is related to Rebecca Goodwin?

Goodwin? Yes, I think so. Yeah, Rebecca Goodwin. Becky Mill. Shout out, Becky Mill. Shout out, Becky Mill. so he then has to because it's like three weeks later the Norman's land something like that yeah so he has to run right back down fuck it's like Benny Hill

yeah they run down there and then so it's part of the reason that they then get fucked by William the Conqueror because they've just done an Iron Man two Iron Man's tonight and it's also like the chances of them both have voted at the same time so they got fucked

so then William the Conquer beats Harold Grubenson at the Battle of Hays things, so be more like the Amec Stadium. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but then we said the last episode, William the Conqueror is a descendant

of the Viking from 9-11, Norman, there is all, yeah, if you're not, if you're from Africa, it'd just be, they'll be indistinguishable these sides. It's like us going to Chinese and Japanese people. Africans are indistinguishable?

No, no. You just said, if from Africa are you, I mean, you're indistinguishable. Which is completely, I'm like, it's what we're about. Yeah, so anyway, the Vikings age's end, but if you're from Africa, it's complete no idea.

It won't be like indistinguishable. Yeah. Just as a footnote, anyone from China. I don't know what, I don't know what's going on. Anyway, then the Viking age ends. It's just different shades of white this. Yeah, but my point is, is that the Vikings are very similar to like Genghis Khan.

Yeah. Ultimately, all northern Europeans are basically Viking. Yeah. To some extent. Yeah. We've all got Viking in us. And that's why Russia's so fucked because it's Viking Mongols. God.

it's when these two like fucking wildfires just met Viking on one side mong and the other stuck between a rock and a thick and uh that's the end of the Viking age

the Viking age is seen to end at 1066 because after that they're Christianised and they're all fucking boring and all the fun bit's been taken out they're all vickers they've gone from Aryan eight foot rapists

to local parish Lutheran Vickers Lutheran Vickers who are actually Lutherans are maybe the most boring of all Protestants potentially

wash your mouth out what don't be smirching Protestants like that No but of Protestants We like fun No but I mean Within the Protestant world

Have I heard of a jigsaw puzzle On a rainy day On a rainy day Thousand piece jigsaw Nothing better than a rainy day Of a train Of a picture you're building Yeah

It's just a train track A train track Nothing better Overcast train train train train track. So the Viking Age ends and from that point onwards there then there's no more raping and pillaging allowed because they're part of Christendom

and so there's codes you know you can't just raid a month. I like how when you said raping and pillogen you took off the G of the end of both of those sort of like. Rape and pillogen. It's kind of like rock and roll. Yeah. I'm on my way raping village and there's a code now you know you can't just rape a monk the country code. The gentleman's code. The gentleman's code. It's not cricket. But it's a country code you have to shut the gates behind you

to stop, you know. Yes, a good kissing gate. Yeah. The raping gates are closed now. Yeah. So the Viking Age is kind of ends. And they just become, then they just basically, it's a straight line to

Ikea and Greta and Bjork. Yep. And now they've just come fodder for autists. Yeah. And speaking of autists, our patron special this week will be on North mythology. We're going to get into... We're going to get into it. Some real bananas stuff.

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