Fin vs History - McHaggis Atta and The Hunt For Butcher’s Bin Laden | William Wallace (Part 2)

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

Who better to cause England's 9/11 than Scotland's very own Bin Laden? The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Chapters: 00:00: Battle of Shit Bridge 04:24: Beard to Beard 08:07: Shit time to be a horse 12:46: Belly button bhindi 14:56: The English 9/11 17:38: A slur for the English 20:51: Death of Andy Murray 25:31: Crossbow to the cock 30:39: A non binary executioner 35:37: The David Brent of Scotland 41:55: Scottish voudou Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus history. As ever, I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Freedom of speech. Right. Is that what William Wallace was? No, it's Scottish trigonometry. Trigonometry. William Wallace is...

They'll never take our freedom of speech. And Andrew Murray are hosting a podcast where they get Douglas Murray. Douglas Murray. Oh, Dougs Murray loves this. Talk about the death of the West. Well, that's the thing. It's what they're left.

They're all cow. So it's William Wallace, Constantine Kissin. Yeah. And Andrew Murray is the sort of, um, the thick one. Francis, Francis. Don't call him R. He's not my colleague. He's a fucking open spot riding on the tails of a Soviet academic.

That's what they are. Neither of them are comedians. The fact they've got that far is his fucking ju-joo magic. But they're not, they haven't got far, it's not as, they haven't gone as comedians on that pod. No one's like, that's, that's the funniest pod. No. No, do you know what's going to be absolute?

You know what's going absolutely creasing? Trigonometry. Yeah. It's a barrel of laughs. I watch it for the laughs. No, but they went on Joe Rogan and they basically... Slagged off the UK scene. Yeah.

And it's like, you guys don't... You're not part of the scene. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. It's like me slagging off fucking Soviet whatever. Whatever? Well, what? I don't know.

I don't know. Soviet ballet. Yeah. Yeah, no. Yeah, the ballet. It wasn't as good as people say. Like, a bourgeois, actually. They're not that great.

Do you know what? You can't even get. a fucking gig now because you have to sign a thing saying I won't dance like this or whatever. But they got you on

to try and say that there's no freedom of speech in UK comedy. Yeah. And then you said, no, there's not. There's loads.

I'm fine. And I were livid. And it was that for an hour. Anyway. Freedom. We're talking about William Wallace. This is part two and we left off last episode

with the tantalizing set up of 9-11 in 12, 97. Yeah. The Battle of Stirling Bridge. This is Wallace and Marrott. It's a, it's a double act. Yes. Yeah.

Wallace and Gromit. Yeah. They're in the wrong trousers. And the English are being led by a penguin with a rubber glove on its head. So to recap, William Wallace is basically Osama bin Laden, but he's Scottish. And he mainly eats porridge with meat in it. So Osama Butchers bin Laden. Yeah.

Asim a butcher's bin Laden. other butcher's been and that's their dinner. Mahagas Atta. Pahagas Atta flying a spurtle into Stirling Castle. So now, let's delve into some medieval military history

because the Battle of Stirling Bridge is all about terrain. I listened to a Dan Snowdrum podcast where Dan Snow was interviewing someone even more bigger on the spectrum of Dan Snowdrum about medieval terrain. I listened to that one as well.

Yeah. It was quite tough. Chewy. It was a chewy podcast. I had to pause it lots of times and sort of exhale loudly like my dad. A lot of that. Now, if you're listening, we've got the map up on screen. Sterling Castle is over a river and there's a very, very shit bridge.

The bridge is tiny. It's wooden. It's Battle of Shit Bridge is actually what it should be called. The Battle of Shit Bridge. Now, the English are trying to take Sterling Castle or they're coming away from it. trained, there's more soldiers, it looks like, the Scots of the underdogs in this, right? At this point, so this is pre-Agincourt, right?

So Agincourt obviously changes the game for medieval warfare. At this point, if you're on a horse and you've got a fucking big pike or a lance, you're going to win. Brilliant. That's the rules of engagement. It's all about mounted cavalry. Yeah. And it shall never change, they thought.

They thought. But obviously, horses have to get across water. Yeah. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't... Drag him across. Make it swim. Come. You may...

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't... I think you can... Famously, I've seen some videos where you can't make horse. You can make it come. Anyway, now, below the bridge on the other side, lay a sort of marshy ground and a causeway, a bog, a Scottish bog, which is unsuitable for this heavy English cavalry. Now, the Scots are outnumbered 10 to 1.

but they are placed perfectly on the right side of the bog. And it's sort of like the McViet Cong, I guess. They've got the high bog. They've seeded the moral high bog. Don't get on your high bog. So the English supposedly had a thousand cavalry and 50,000 infantry. Now Wallace and Murray are lying in wait, and they're waiting for the English to cross this shipbridge.

And when the time is right, they will pounce. But because of the way the river naturally meanders, the English can't see the Scottish forces. No. Because it's round the me and they know it's there. So the night before the battle, they like taught. There's always this thing about like, oh, the nobles will negotiate and everyone might go home. Yeah.

But you'd hope so if you're a soldier, right? Yeah, I guess so. You must be like, I'd hope this is a false alarm. Yeah. fucking you get to fuck. He says, return to thy friends and tell them

we come here with no peaceful intent but ready for battle determination of avenger wrongs and set our country free. We are ready to meet them beard to beard

which sounds like one of Charlie's search terms. What two beards going at it? Yeah, that's me and Douglas Murray. What's a beard again? No, beard is when a gay guy has a wife.

Yeah. Okay. So it'd be both. yours and Murray's wife. Yes. He doesn't have a beard. He's you without a beard. He is.

Yes, he is. You're right. You're saying your beard. I'm Douglas Murray. So you're getting two women to fight who have gay husbands. That's what beard on beard means. Did we find out what the lesbian equivalent of beard was, is it trousers? Trousers?

Joc strap. A purse. Purse. Purse on purse. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Are there any famous, who's like a, Clearly gay celebrity with a beard.

Philip Schofield. Has he still got his wife? I don't know. Has he come out? Yeah, well, he had to come out as gay. Do you want me to die? Do you want me to come? Love that.

We're wearing that little thing. No, Philip Schofield's, I think he had to shave his beard. Yeah. I think he was forced. He was fourth. I think the son shaved his beard off. Yeah.

And like Samson losing his hair, he lost all of his powers. He lost his hosting gig, yeah, he lost this morning or whatever he used to host. Was it this morning? John Travolta. That's a potential one. That's a big room.

that my mum loves to pedal. Your mom likes to pedal that. She loves, she loves rumors that. I heard a rumor. I heard a rumor. Clooney, she's convinced is gay. Is this the Tom Cruise one?

No, no, this is John Travolta goes around L.A. and hires lookalikes of himself to fuck. That's the rumor. Oh,

that's interesting. It's good rumor, so it's like, maybe he's not gay. He's just a true narcissist. He's peak narcissism. Yeah, it's not about men. It's about John Travolta.

It's about himself. Yeah. He's gay for himself. And then you've got that Tom Cruise one, right, where he gets like 50, S-AS guys to chase after him and fuck him. You know this one. I thought that's you told me this.

No. Don't leave me stranded like this. I don't know. No, Tom Cruise has this thing where it's like, right, I've got 10 minutes. I'm going to go hiding this forest and he gets like a Delta's force squad to chase after him and the first one who gets him gets to fuck him. Who told me that then? I was convinced it was you. I don't. I've never heard that.

Because I can't have just pulled that out of the air. Well, so it's sort of mission possible. Yeah. Get bummed by Delta Force. Yeah. Right. Now, let's talk about the English. who's on the English side.

John de Warenne, who is Edward the first lieutenant in Scotland. Does he come into other stories, De Warenne? Maybe. I don't know what I was sitting down. And then Hugh de Cresingham,

who is the English treasurer in Scotland. Hugh de Cresingham. So, D. D. D.E. is like Shandapal. Yeah. Hugh de Cresingham.

It sounds like a Jamaican could say Hugh the Cresingham. So he's the English treasurer in Scotland, so he's like Alistarling or something. Anyway. But back then you had to do more jobs. Yes.

If you were also the the chancellor of Dixchequer. You had to go and put down a rebellion. It's like Alastardarling being sent out to Iraq. Anyway, Cresinger is obsessed with just getting the rebellion sort of sorted. But Warren,

Warren, he sort of is more aware of the danger of the shit bridge. So he's like, we shouldn't really go over the bridge. No. But the Cresningham's like, fuck it. Do it live. Yeah, we'll do it live. So the offer of Wallace piece terms, he turns him down and there's a guy called Sir Richard Lundy, who was a Scottish night serving the English,

he says, if you cross that bridge at suicide, and they're like, nah, nah, fuck it. Because they're like, this is Scottish. Yeah. You've seen what they eat? Entitlement. Yeah. Right. Donsense.

So, on the morning of September 11th, Warren oversleaps. Now, you know, in the present day, September 11th, that was a good thing. Right. If you slept in, you probably survived. his fatal mistake was that he had a lion and so the English tricks Does that mean just no one wanted to wake him up? It's pre-alarm clock, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess I just thought I thought you'd have one person to try and wait you up before on either battle. Do you want to place this for our thick? Right, well it's 1297, so that is that is probably after the invention of Kreck-ed? No, no, it's not.

Kreck-it? Is Kreck-it? Is it, is Kreck-it? No, Kreck-it? When's Kreck-Ket? invented. Oh no, no, you're right. No, you're right actually because it dates back to Norman Times and so, sorry, you're right, yeah. It was after cricket. And before the invention of Tiggly Winks, you ever played Tiddly Winks? I have played Tiddly Wings. Let's have a look. 95.

Surely not. No, 1888. Wait, you didn't, why surely not? Why are you so sure it was in the 50s? How do you have a strong opinion on that? That's a Victoria. It's got to be a Victorian name. Right, yeah, I guess so. So, Warren oversleeps on the morning of September 11th, crisp day in New York, but anyway, we're in Sterling where it's probably terrible, terrible weather. English troops begin crossing the shit bridge before they've had orders to. And then the bridge is so shit, there's only two horses as a time can go over it. So now what they think the Scots, they know the Scots are there, but what they think is that the Scots will let them get their

whole cavalry over, because that's like, Kreck-It. Right, that's Kreck-it. That's Kregut. But they don't do that. And so this is essentially a war crime. So they cheated. It's cheated. It's a terrorist attack by the Scotch bin Laden. Let me get all of my more significant forces over the bridge first. It's not fair. Yeah. So the and then the bog is too boggy. So they sucker punch does basically. Yeah. Yeah. The bog the bog that they arrive on over the bridge is just like a you know, it's soup. It's too boggy. It's Scotch broth. So they can't fucking get any traction on it. It's Scottish cuisine. Once enough, English troops cross the bridge. uh,

Wallace and Murray give the order to attack. Wallace and Gromit, go for it. The penguin is dead immediately. Yeah. It's essentially like, just as you say, it's,

it's a kill zone. Yeah. It's a choke point and the Scots, they slash at the horses, hamstrings. Yeah. The hammies are going. I'd say,

yeah, the horses are like Michael Owen. Yeah. 2003 hamstrings just gone. I'd say 1297, is that the worst time in history to be a horse? I think it's only,

got better to be a horse. Sure. I think that's definitely true. I think that's undeniable. Yeah, I think maybe high medieval is when the horses were worse treated. Yeah. Or maybe the transition to cannonballs.

What, when horses were getting shot by cannons? Yeah. Yeah, when's that? I mean, World War I horses, that's pretty tough as well. That is true, yeah. But this was like, you, the horse was sort of everything. A casualty.

And so, yeah. A horse would charge at people with like. Also, how well trained are these horses? Because I know that it's like, there's a guy behind it pulling on its stirrups. Yeah. But if I was a horse, the guy fucking slashing at my hammies, I'll be out of there. Well, yeah.

It doesn't matter how much I'm, you know, trained. But I guess a lot of death is people falling off horses. Right. Anyway, the horses are fall and then the English are sort of just killed on the floor. Now, Hugh de Cresingham, he is hated in Scotland because he's a Jamaican man who's their charned a pole. And what William Wallace does with Hugh de Cresingham is he flays his skin from head to toe and uses a bit of the skin to make a belt.

Yes. And maybe also made it into a coin purse. That's not to say that he was a lesbian. He made Hugh de Cressegham into a like a man that he then married to cover his lesbianity. It's an actual purse made out of skin. The actual purse that he can keep coins in. So you sort of Jeffrey Dahmering DeCrescing him.

Charlie's just Googled wearing a belly button that's a bit. Maybe did that. Yeah, I mean. that would be terrifying yes I mean if you're like a warlord if you're all your enemies belly buttons

there's also there's also cultural appropriation which is probably the biggest crime yes it is you're right it's a shock it's shot made evil Scotland it's an assault on the senses

it's saying excuse me their culture is not your are you Indian because that is deeply deeply problematic the problem with with that as an image Charlie

is that a belly button is obviously a recent So are you suggesting that you take it? Not an outy. You could, I get, oh right, so it has to be an outy. It must be an outy, we are. Right, sorry. An iny is an absence of, of tummy.

An innie is almost like the opposite of a bindi. It's almost like a bindi would perfectly complete. A reverse bindi. Yeah, it would complete the tummy. Do you ever feel your belly button? Yeah, it smells really bad. Yeah. Really?

My belly button smells really bad. Really? What does your smell like? It's the smoothest, it's just so smooth in there. It's like unweathered by tummy. or cold. I've got an in and outy, so it goes in and out. That's disgusting.

That's absolutely disgusting. I got both. So it's like someone's just push the outy bat. Oh, that's gross. That's disgusting. Did you do any of your children's belly button, umbilical cords? Did you cut it?

I think I did cut the second one. Like the queen opening, uh, pleasure sensor. So, anyway, Sterling Bridge is a absolute disaster for the English. It is the English 9-11. I mean, it's worse. thousand dead.

5,000 English, English dead as well, you know. And Murray is, the mastermind of the attack, is fatally wounded. And much like Muhammad Atta, yeah,

Mahagis Atta. Dyes Atta. Dyes after the battle. Yeah. Was Atta first or second? Oh, I don't know. He was,

I know he was the main guy on the ground. He was the mastermind. I guess they're all on the ground eventually, aren't they? Yeah. But he's the main one. First person. So he's like, yeah, you lead from the front.

I think you had to have stronger mentor resilience if you were flying the second plane. Go on. Because you'd seen, you'd gone, oh, fuck me, that was what we're doing, is it? Yeah, but what did you think was going to happen? I guess in your head you're like, I just didn't really think about it. Because when I see the first one, I'm like, well, yes, I guess that is what happened when you fly a plane into a building.

But that's what I mean. It's like, yeah, we'll fly planes. And they're like, fuck me. That's what that is, is it? I'm doing that, am I? Shit. You know. In the second one, they put a bit of swaz on it, didn't he? He like, there's like a...

What did the loop? A little bit of like a... Scrood, scroot! I want, like a donut into the... Into the... I don't remember that. He put a bit of spin on it, I think. Do you think?

Oh, this fires me up. Right, so is that second? Yeah. Yeah, he goes in an angle. We're watching, sorry, just for anyone listening, we are, but we're now just watching the 9-11 attacks. There's never a good side for a topic. Finn is in his happy place.

Let's have a look. Let's look at the... I mean, there's one really good shot. This is a battle of... He's putting spin on it. Do you think? Oh, I guess because he's at an angle, isn't it? Yeah, he's fucking going...

It's the ultimate... It's two-wheeling. The ultimate googly. They did not see it coming. One plane seven, one way. They thought it was going off. Yeah. It was leg.

We're talking about the 13th century 9-11, which is the Battle of Stirling Bridge. 5,000 Scots... No, sorry, 5,000 English die. Wallace is grace. in victory. Yep. He kills prisoners of war.

Yeah. He goes after English people everywhere. The chronicles say that Wallace is but a savage. This is pure pasty white-on-white violence. It's disgraceful. These are some of the two of the whites people of the world. He's burned schools with schoolchildren inside. He slaughters women.

He laughs as monks are drowned. To be fair, I think that might be quite funny, actually. Yeah, with the heads. Yeah. Because you just hold them where they're... Yeah. On that bit of the head. Yeah.

You don't even touch their hair. Yeah. Be like a fun game. Yeah. Rape, torture and atrocity marks Wallace's progress. Now, historians argue, and I would like to agree with them that William Wallace is trying to ethnically cleanse the English. The English out of the North.

I mean, we'll talk about Braveheart on the patron. Yes. One of my favorite things about that was the, on the only times I've really seen it in media, an outcry of anti-English racism. Yes. Which is, I don't think I've ever really seen a mass movement. It's quite amazing. It's disgraceful, actually.

Kind of thrilling. In a way, yes. Because think of the possibilities. It's subdom, isn't it? It'd be nice if there was a true racism that we could talk about. And also, if we could actually be genuinely offended and hurt. You can write stories about how it overcame the anti-English oppression. Yeah.

Suddenly you're the main character. The victim narrative. Yeah, it's amazing. I would love to just spend a day. Just one. Just one. Please. Just one.

What's the English? equivalent of the M word as a slur. What is it? Yeah, what is it? The white equivalent. It's specific English racism. Right, okay. I guess you got POM.

What I wanted to say is that you can still call an English person the M word and sometimes it could still be really offensive, I guess. Yes, what is the white English equivalent? Just wanted to make that absolutely clear. You're not like your English. Yeah, what, I don't know. I just, you know, what are the, what are the, the, French call us like roast beefs or like

yeah nothing's too bad no I mean Conquer Conquer? You better not fucking call me that son You just call me the C word Conca You said that with a hard art But then we can reclaim it in music

Yes Yeah we could You can sit like a conker over there Like a Scott can't sing along to some songs Because the word conkers in it You're right But you're right in that there is a sort of Little thrill

A Freudian thrill at the possibility of there being some anti-English racism. It shows how rare it has been in history of the last thousand years that this is like something that still plays in today because Braveheart led to a huge uplift in the SNP. Yes, yeah.

It's the closest to like a real issue that could result in some sort of truly anti-English sentiment. Like we could make a single issue political party. Or something that could truly affect English people. Yes. So William Wallace is ethnically cleansing the north of English. He is a genocidal tyrant. He's medieval Scottish Hitler.

And what happens when he returns from the campaign? He's knighted. Disgraceful. This is absolutely. This is like knighting Joseph Coney. Yes. It's like giving Hitler an OBE. Coney 1297.

Sir Joseph of Coneyshire. It's a disgrace. In 1297, William Wallace has made the Guardian of Scotland. Oh my God. He's got a promotion. He's rewarded. And he begins preparation for defending his realm. He puts gibbets in major towns,

which we've learned are like cages, less of the wooden cages. But is he, what does Guardian of Scotland mean? Well, because it's still... Is it ceremonial or is it? No, it's not... Because he's not noble. Is it sort of like Ministry of Defence?

No, it's like caretaker manager. Interim. It's like... Carrick, are United. Minister without portfolio. Right. So King Edward I, having expelled the Jews,

he's like right these Scots lots they're not fucking they need to learn a lesson here you're part of us yeah so King Edward invade Scotland leading the army himself

now this is where Wallace invents his great battlefield tactic which is called the Schiltren which is what that guy on that podcast said that word a lot Shiltran yes and it's like a big hedgehog

made out of spears right so this is where people with like pikes and spears would all sit in a kind of ball and hold their spikes out and then wait for people to charge at them horses to charge and then the horses...

They'd curl up in a ball. Sort of, yeah. A fetal position that were holding a spear. So the English army advances and Wallace, terrorist that he is, just sets fire to everything.

Yeah. And his plan is to use scorched earth to break the English supply lines. Yeah. And that's how they developed a lot of the food they still eat today actually was during the scorched earth policy. Of course.

Just put that bin on the fire. What have we got in the cupboard? Yeah, that's great. We've got some dog food. We've got some oats. Well, I want to just heat that up and see what happens. Scorched earth. Scorce earth is, yeah, that's Scottish.

It's a dedication. You have that with the whiskey. With a wee dram. It's just some burnt mud that you have with whiskey. Have we talked about the whiskey tasting wheel? We must have done that. We've talked about it many times, but it is absolutely brilliant. We should get it up because it is one of the, you know,

I do think the Scottish palate is maybe the most sophisticated. Sure. In that it recognises. It's certainly the most of something. It recognises tastes that to most people would be outside the Overton window. Right. Oh, they haven't reached it. A pallet.

Right. But Scotland acknowledges things like sulphur, stagnant mass gas. Spent matches. Bakelite. Vomit. Elemental sulphur. These are all things you can say when you're drinking whiskey that you... It's a good thing.

They're good things. Yeah. Complicated notes. Yes, they are complicated notes. And they also work for... the inherent musk of Scottish women. Yeah. Pencil sharpen it.

You know the little... Pencil shavings. Pensil shavings. Tires. Tires. Yeah. It's all... Refined.

Refined whiskey tasting experience. Now, so Wallace is in retreat and he's sort of succeeding at starving out of the English. Right. But this is because Murray, Andy Murray,

his mum's taking him away away. I think he's dead, I think at this point. I think he died. Yeah, he died in the first battle in Stirling Bridge. Oh, no, the thing is... Brilliant, this is the best son when you're playing.

Norfolk, Norfolk, and Roger. That's quite a good one. It's quite good. He just got to put Ali McCoyst on 33 and a third speed and you get Andy Murray. Norvark and Roger. And Rafa. Anyway, Wallace is sort of doesn't,

he doesn't actually have much tactical acumen. No, he's a thug. And yes, He's a terrorist. He's a hooligan. And it's much like bin Laden. You know, you make your big great player, you fly the planes in,

then you just run like a coward. Yeah, yeah. And so Wallace is running away. But he's very confident because of the success of Stirling Bridge, but it becomes apparent later. It was actually Murray. It was all Murray. Because Wallace has his men on the high ground.

Right. So Edward charges with his cavalry against the hedgehogs, the Shiltrans. Yeah. But that wasn't working. So what happens is that Edward adapts his tactics. And Wallace stands and fights, which he just just kept running. So what happens on the day, and this is the Battle of Falkirk,

which is just outside Glasgow. The Falkirk wheel? What's that? I don't know. Sorry, I brought it up. Type in the Falkirk wheel. Look at that. Have a look at that.

I think it's one of the only ones in the world. What is it? So it's like... Can you describe the picture? It is a double deck of canal. The fuck's going on there. So like a boat gets in the bottom of the wheel. Yeah.

And then it Londonized its way up to the top. Oh, it's like a lock. Yeah. Oh, wow. It's like a, it's pretty amazing. That's nuts. What's the point? I don't know why Falkirk has this.

Yeah, what is the point? I guess it's to connect to canals together, one that's way below the other. But one that's in the sky. Yeah, it's a sky canal. So it's quite amazing the Falkirk will, but. No, and this is obviously, this is happening before the Falkirk wheel. Right. Crucially.

Maybe it's a response, though, to the Battle of Falkirk. Yes, yeah, I guess so. They love their lesser. If we'd had canals in the sky. maybe we would have been able to fight back on the English. So after the initial cavalry charges, Edward adapts and also the Scots nobility who were the Scottish cavalry.

They fucked off. And the English brought out. Because there's a real problem, right, in Scotland throughout their history with their fights with Englishes. It's so entrenched with English money and influence. Yes. So there's a lot of like disloyalty amongst the nobles and stuff. It's often why the Stirling Bridge was such a moment

because it's united Scottish people, right? But throughout it, their history, there's a lot of this sort of, it's a very permeal membrane. It's like when we got into Afghanistan, we realised this isn't a nation. This is a disconnected band of tribes in mudhads. Yeah.

And like how we meant to force their sense of being Afghani. It's the same in Scotland to this day. So the Scots nobility fucked off and the English bring out the longbow. Is this the debut of the longbow? I think it is in Scotland in that they hadn't had their chance to deploy Longbo-Met and Stirling Bridge

because they've been killed too quickly. So it's the fringe debut? The fringe debut, the Edinburgh debut, yes, Edinburgh debut, big thing. Longbows are around much earlier. This is like, that completely changes English warfare for like 250 years, pretty much, 200 years. So it's... It's basically the great advantages

that England have as a fighting force that I think Tom Holland says we don't really have again until the ship of the line what's the ship of the line Nelson's boat like our superior ships where it's like one weapon

that's so much more technologically advanced than anything else that you can sort of dominate like a gattling gun the thing with a long bow is it takes like a lifetime to learn how to pull one so these Welsh longbow archers

they've been training since they were like three years old you put it so hard so it can go so much further and the volley that you can do is just devastating what I never get right is when you see...

Longer arrows. When you see this in films like in Braveheart, which as you said, we'll talk about on the patron. They fire the long ways up in the air and in the air they look like just... You know, like a paper airplane.

They've got no thrust. And yet when they land, they land with such velocity. I'm like, how have they... But it's like a... It's like a stealth, you know, the theme part ride. Yeah, you're up and then down.

You're up, and then it'll slow down, and then it'll come down and reach terminal velocity. Yeah, I just never... It never, I can't really even visualise, like a crossbow. I would hate, a volley of arrows. I would hate to be called it. I used to have a nightmare.

I used to have a nightmare, right, this is weird. Charlie would like this. I used to have a nightmare. In the house we used to live in as kids, we had a very long corridor. And at one end was my sister's room and the other end was mine, right? I used to have a nightmare where I would open the door

and my bed was like behind the door. So if I opened the door and her door was open, it was like bed to bed, right? I used to have a nightmare. B2B. A nightmare that she would, she would, she would, she'd, I had a crossbow down the corridor

and it went into my dick and then I'd wake up. I don't know what that means. There's some kind of, you know, people who read dreams, maybe can tell me what that means. Was it recurring? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a constant fear. I guess she, like, she doesn't, she wants you all to herself. What? No one's getting this. She's trying to shoot your, shoot you so that you're, like, harpoon to her so she can have you all to herself.

no I don't think it's a hard it's not like got a rope on the end of it it's just a crossbow bolt you're just trying to disable your willy then yeah I guess so I guess take it out for action for the good of humanity yeah I had a dream last night that my mate set up a threason

but it was a prank and they didn't actually want to do it oh that's horrible Charlie is that a dream that was a dream that wasn't just your evening no no right cool's got a check fucking you got punked I got trolled yeah into a threesome so what so are you really horny in the dream I'm really horny

you can't wait for it on WhatsApp there was a group chat it was like me my friends name and then threesome with a blood drop emoji. Right, yeah. But it wasn't real. It didn't exist. Did you rock up and they said, ah, yeah, yeah.

They were just together. Ashton Kutch was there. What, so they just shagging and they're like, yeah, you can fuck off. We didn't mean it. Go away. God, that really, I think that's quite easy to read. There's quite a lot going on there.

Yeah. Yeah. That's your big fear of life is that you always looking for a threesome and you're scared of a joke. No one one's on. My point is, is that a crossbow, I can imagine, because it's flat, isn't it? It's like a bullet, but it's an arrow. But a long bow, it always feels like they lose his speed and would just sort of drop

harmously to the... It's a goal kick. Yeah. But from like a 10-year-old. Yeah. Why? Well, you know, like, when you're playing football as a 10-year-olds, you have to get the big guy. If you're in goal, the bigger guy to kick the ball for your goal kick.

Because in like school football, there's a pattern that can emerge where you realize the position goalkeeper can't take a goal kick. Or the wind is blowing the wrong way and it keeps blowing back. It kicks it in the air and then it doesn't even clear his own defence and then you just score loads of goals. Yeah, you're a gold kick. Yeah, you are. You're a cut. You're a cut. Yeah, it's like you have to get

the bigger boy to take the goal kick for you. That's the earliest experience men get at being a cuck actually. It was like having a runner in cricket. Are you tired of starting your day with pointless political arguments, superficial summaries and lukewarm hot takes on the radio? Then switch to the bonker.

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Zing, and me, Seth Jebel. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone. No, it doesn't, but I want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do. Good.

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Anyway, the Welsh longbowmen, they fire loads of arrows and this breaks the big hedgehog, and the English cavalry then charge, and they slaughter everyone. Now, the Longbo's range was such that some people thought it was against the rules of war, but this is pre the Geneva Convention. Right.

If the DV convention was around, Wallace would be taken to the criminal court and he would be sentenced with death. He escapes with his life at Fort Kirk. But 10,000 of his men. Probably used the full Kirk wheel to get away. Maybe that's how he got away. Is he got on a barge and then somehow got on like a stair lift for a boat and sailed away in the sky? He's gone. He's out of our reach now.

He's on the wheel. Fuck me. How did he get away? He was in the floor one minute. I know he's in a fucking barge in the sky Anyway, in the humiliation of the defeat of Holcock, Wallace resigns the guardianship of Scotland And then he fucks off to like

He goes on his holidays Yeah, he goes around the houses He goes travelling. He goes to like France and Thailand Yep, he goes on a sex tour of the Southeast Asia He apparently goes to see the Pope To seek political support For Scottish independence

But he doesn't hold any kind of office It's just like, he's just doing it. And yeah, the nobles, the nobles want to appease Edward. So he's OGS and P sort of this guy. Yeah, it's just a bit much. Right, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

We get it. You know, you're clapping in Parliament. Do you have any other ideas? Yeah. What else you got? What else you got, lads? Yeah. Can we be independent?

No. What else do you want? Exactly. You don't know what you want. Come back when you think of a better idea. No, you can't have that. Ask for something else. Yeah. Learn a lesson. Change the fucking record.

No. So by the early 1300s, Wallace is completely isolated because all the nobles want to submit to Edwards. Yeah. Because they're tired of all the fighting. Yeah. But from roughly 1303 onwards, Wallace lives entirely underground in Scotland. Like a hedgehog. Like a hedgehog. Yeah.

So Edward I has a final invasion. Or a badger. Yeah. You could name many woodland animals. I know our listeners are thick, but I think you only need to name one animal. Edward I invades Scotland in 1303 and the Scottish leader submit, and they now pursue Wallace

because it's like we've got into Afghanistan, we've taken Kabul, the Taliban have finished, where's bin Laden? And then in August the 5th, 1305, Navy SEALs find Wallace in a Butterbad. He's got a hard drive with porn on it. The tartan bads are in retreat.

Yes. And a guy betrays William Wallace, a Scotsman betrays him because he's being paid by the English. Right. Which is, as you were saying, it's like that's very permissible. So they surprise Wallace at Rob Royston, which is just outside of Glasgow. And he's taken to London 17 days later. Oh, fuck, I forgot to mention. I watched an amazing documentary, Tony Robinson documentary about this,

where because the battle of, I think it may be it's the, Hazelrig with that death is now on a bulls club, a lawn bowls club. He has this sequence where he walks past

people playing bowls was he walking to the ground talking to the camera about like and then the swords came down and axes rained out and there's just Scottish people playing bowls being like

fuck off anyway they do the same thing when he arrives in London and Tony Robinson because he gets murdered at Smithfield Market which is now a meat market he just walked through the meat market

and you just the shots of people just hacking mistakes. Anyway, so Wallace... It's just closed Smithfield. It's quite sad. Wallace rejects the charge of treason at his trial, arguing in quite a snooty way, I'd never actually sworn loyalty to the king.

Yeah, fingers crossed, it's like lad. I can't actually be tried with treason because I never... It's one of the big hum actuallys. Yes, yeah. He's getting the rule book out. But the sentence of treason is declared. And so Wallace is hung, drawn, and quartered. The classic.

Which I actually didn't really know what that meant until this and it's pretty bad. So you're hung first though? Yeah but you're not hung to death. Oh. That's why it's bad. You're released.

Hung to to climax? Auto erotic erotic hung drawn and quartered. Yeah, you're hung for a bit and then you sort of maybe like dying and then just as you're dying

they then cut your day them. They them. The non-binary re-executioner cuts he's got the black hood

blue hair poking out yeah through the thing they cut open your your stomach

and your guts fall out yeah haggis yes that's yes and then you mix that

with oats and you set it on fire and it's a butcher's bin dish and then they take the

heart out and it's still beating and then they caught you you which is where they cut all your

bits out or then they take you down and chop you up so it like the average experience of an Aztec. Yeah, I mean an Aztec would not blink at this.

They'd be like, yeah, it's Tuesday. But before even that, before he gets hung, he is attached. So when do you die in the hung drawn quarters? Is that only when the heart comes out? Yeah, when you're drawn. Like one of those beach side sketch artists. Yes. Yeah, the big nose.

There's a caricature. There's a caricature is there. There's a Bosnian guy in Paris drawing you with a big nose. So what happens basically is it starts with a stranglewank. you get tossed off by a they them while you're being hung then a caricature artist draws you with a big nose

and then a magician puts you in a box and quarters you yeah and the crowd go wild I mean it's like what a show

what show that is you've got a bit of live sex stuff you've got an anti-Semitic cartoon which is funny how all caricatures are anti-Semitic even though no one's Jewish yes

you're chopped in half but before all that he's stripped naked and his feet get tied to the tails of two horses and then they drag him through London from, I think it's Westminster all the way out to what's now Farringdon

so about two miles. TFL strike, hey? Fucking tube drivers, honestly. Well, this is the only way, this is what happens. They're fucking 60 grand a year and they fucking striking, are they? This is the only way he get around London? Yeah, they push a button. Christ.

This is pre-Lisd. This is like when everyone had to get a line bike because the chews are, but it's like the only way he can get around. It's to Dix London. Yeah, you have to tie yourself to the tail of two horses to be dragged for two miles. crazy. This is pre-Lisabeth line.

Obviously, he would have just gone on the Lizzy line. Oxford Street, Farnden. Yeah, the congestion's too much. Yeah, it's pre-c congestion charge as well. So it's just, you know, it's mad.

Anyway, he's drunk, so he gets to the hanging bit, the pole or whatever, the noose, the gallows, he's pretty fucked. Yeah.

He's messed up. Yep. So he's hung by a rope with his body dangling. He's then hacked down. They take the heart out, show it to the crowd. Ooh.

Yeah, big cheer. And the heart goes on beating for minutes. Minutes. Maybe even hours. Is it connected to his body? No, they take the heart out. So he's just on the floor. Fucked.

Yeah. He's fucked. He's fucked. But he's still alive a little bit. No. No, he's brain dead, but his heart's... It's like you are. Yeah.

You know how your heart's beating, but your head doesn't work? You know how your brain dead? Yeah. There's still blood and you're being pumped around your body. Yeah. Anyway, so his head gets displayed on London Bridge, and then the four parts of his body are sent to various, locations as a warning. They send some of it to

Sterling as like a I feel once you courted me sending my body to different parts of the country that's now respectful. Do you know what I mean? I feel like that part of it is like oh you guys there's like a level of like you really cared about me you cared about me you're sending me off, you're packaging me your first class post

across the country. This is the equivalent of when they just dumped bin Laden in the sea but this is pre-helicopter they don't want it to be a memorial site right so they chop him up and they just scatter him William Wallace's arm is now relics. To you honest, it's Catholics, you give them anything. Oh, Christ.

They'll make it into a totem. Disgusting. So William Wallace's arm is now buried within the walls of a cathedral in Aberdeen. I don't know. I mean, what I'm going to do with that? But at 35 years old, which is... Unless it's sticking out, then I don't know what it means. High-five me here.

Tourists can just slap. High-five William Wallace. So 35 years old, Wallace is dead, which is the... average age of a Scots. I mean, is that your age? That is my age. Wow. So, you know, you're part of the 35 club.

The 35 club? What are you saying? Maybe, I mean, who knows? You've been lucky to make 36. If my preteen eating catches up with me at some point. You'll get Wallace. Roughly 35 years old, Wallace is dead. His legacy is in tatters.

Well, his body's in tatters. His bodies and tatters. His bodies everywhere. He's been lardened all over the country. And then his, So it's this thing where he's not really, you know, he's not really that much of a big deal, and a lot of it might be bollocks.

And the only major victory he has is because of the other guy. Yeah, but he's a symbol. He's a mythic. He is a mythic. And his execution inspires Robert the Bruce, who was another noble, to take on his mantle. And he then defeats the English at Banachburn, like, I don't know, 13, 13 or something.

The thing about Robert the Bruce, is when you have the, you want it to be like Robert the Brave or Robert the Dignify. Robert the other white guy first name doesn't really like, Dave the Bill,

you know, Sam the Nigel. It doesn't actually fill me him much. Horatio the Gould. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Robert the Bruce.

Well, it's Scottish, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I haven't quite got it right. And so Wallace becomes like a, you know, yeah, as you say,

like a symbol, a myth. Yeah. No one knows what he looks like. What is it, Apparently Bruce can be affectionate, an affectionate term like mate or pal. So Robert the mate. Robert the pal. But why is he turning the chair backwards sitting on it and trying to be our mate? My mate, Robert.

Don't worry. You could talk to me. I might be king, but I'm just mates like everyone. This sort of David Brent. Call me Robert. I'd say entertainer first, King second. Yeah, I guess he is David. But Robert the Bruce lived a more documented life. Yes.

That was sort of equally, if not more, heroic and a lot of their accolades get blended into well Robert the Bruce actually was more of a centrist and more said let's accommodate he he at one point he's Nick Clegg he is Nick Clegg right Nick the Clegg he's Nick the Clegg and William Wallace is Osama

bin Laden so it's like comparing chalk and cheese right right yeah like you know another Scottish dish chalk and cheese yep on the menu at this Michelin Star Edinburgh restaurant is chalk and cheese to start and then they heated

Butchers bin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, but yeah, because Robert the Bruce actually swore loyalty to Edward I at one point

because it was politically expedient. Whereas Wallace never did. That's why Wallace has more of a mythic status in many ways. Yeah. Because he never bowed. Freedom, fighter.

Right. Yeah. But he actually achieved fuck all. How big a story was Wallace before Braveheart? Because Braveheart was a complete shift. Yes. With Scottish nationalism, with this whole story.

So I don't know if it was just Mel Gibson meddling. I think it is because of the entire Phil. Braveheart wasn't actually ever a name given to William Wallace. You've got to be careful speaking to Gibson about stories in history. Because he'll hear one thing and he'll make a fucking film about it. But I reckon what happened. I'm just drawing the dots here. He was reading about Jews being expelled.

And he went, Edward I did that. All right. Okay, that's interesting. Yes, he was in expulsion of the Jews throughout history book. Wikipedia, yeah. And then he sees a blue line and goes,

Edward I was, Edward I was first. Who's that? William Wallace. I'll get back to my Jews expulsion things later. But the tree leads him somewhere. And that's how he makes up all his films. Yeah. You know, it always starts with the Jews being expelled from somewhere,

Wikipedia article. But yeah, Braveheart's not even about William Wallace, as in the name Braveheart was given to. Robert the Bruce, when they took his heart into battle in a cage, which is, that's voodoo. That's Scottish voodoo. That's Scottish voodoo. It's not part of the Caribbean dead man's chest, Charlie. That's William Wallace, the Scottish bin Laden, who, well, much like the Taliban,

much like the leader of Al-Qaeda, he scored one big victory on the 11th of September, and then got absolutely done in. On our Patreon, we'll be doing Patreon Film Club, where we dissect Braveheart. I haven't seen it. I watched the first half last night. It's long. It's a long film. And the first half hour is boring.

But then it does get good. It does get good. But then I just got too tired and had to go out of bed. So anyway, if you'd like a sort of film review from a guy who's watched half of it, another guy who just watched some clips this morning, then start out to the page you for three pounds a month. It's worth it. It is worth it.

And we're spending it very well. We are spending it well. What are you spending it on? Well, I'm not watching Braveheart, that's for sure. Yeah. What have I spent it on? Fucking brio. Brio for my kid.

Brio? Brio. What's that? Playmobile. Yeah, yeah, basically. Wouldn't playmobile, whatever. Charlie loves it. I've been getting brieo for Charlie.

I don't get paid in money. I get paid in Brio. By any, Mill Gibson's Scottish accent has been widely mocked as one of the worst in film history. It is. We'll talk about on the patron. It is the most shocking accent I've ever heard. And it really takes you out of the film.

Anyway, That was William Wallace. Sounds the patron for more. And if not, we will see you next week for a brand new topic. Goodbye.