Fin vs History - Monty’s Mexican Special Needs Zoo | The Aztecs (Part 3/5)

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

Aztec Emperor Montezuma finally meets the Conquistador Cortes, but finds the Spaniard so weird he considers putting him in his zoo for disabled people The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We sell buckets too. Welcome back to Finn versus History I'm here with the race show Gould It went early It went early He's jumped the gun It's part three of our epic series On the Aztecs

Yes The Mexica And some filthy gringos Have landed And they're making their way Grottie little gringo Rossi Gringos from Spain. Erinin Cortes

as disobeyed orders. He's built a city. And these merry band of bandits, right? Yeah. They're not that merry. They're quite rapy and killy. Rapy bandits. Yeah.

And together with a slave girl called Melinche. Yeah. Which. Mimksi. The minks, Malinche, they have set out on, they've heard pray tell of this city of gold. Yes. And they're...

Is this elder... This is not Elderada, the actual myth, but it's not far off. I guess to that. it must be Eldorado. What was the actual story of El Dorado? Where was the myth of El Dorado? It must have been somewhere else. But this is basically an El Dorado story.

And they've, he set up his own city, Veracruz. Which isn't a city, it's just a dot on a map. It's a shanty town. It's like a surfing school. Yeah. There's body boarding classes, you know, for beginners. Yeah, Cortez is there, like just on the front, trying to paddle. You ever surfed?

Hey? You ever surf? I'm not a surfing man. No. I'm a floating man. I like nothing more than sitting in a lilo. A big rubber ring. Your relationship with the sea is you go down to the channel

and you have a binoculars and you're trying to stop the boats yourself. No, I am one of the boats. My relationship with the sea is I get in the Mediterranean or the Aegean and I just bob there for a bit. Right, and I fall asleep. What, so like a... Gentle. Right.

So like a plank of wood. Yes. I'm driftwood. Okay. My goal is to become driftwood. I want to retire and become driftwood. That's the ultimate retirement, isn't it? Your driftwood floating on the water.

Did you ever listen to the band, Travis? No. Oh. Charlie's, have you listened to the band, Travis? The band, up there with Texas. Why does it always rain on me? Yeah, we've heard that. We've heard that.

Yeah, thank you. It's left and right brain. Yeah. The poo brain and history brain. Yeah. So, Cortez, it's August. it's 1519 Would you like to place this for the dum-dums

Who have not... 1519, I'm just going to go straight off the dome It is before The invention of the Cumberbund. Right, are Cumberbuns around? Charlie, when was the Cumberbund invented? 1850s, in the 1850 No, that's British, that's British adoption.

In the 80s, I think we could probably say in the 80s. The modern Cumberband. Camabund. Comabund was in bed to the 1850s. And it was after. it was after the invention of, have I done the jerkin before? Yes, you have.

Do you have a sort of stock library of invention? You're always doing inventions. Yeah. Okay, all right. Well, then it's after, it's before the Comabund and it's after the invention

of the catapult. Right. It's a close one. No, that's got to be safe. That's got to be safe. 400 BC. Right, okay. Look, I've been a bad run of form.

So there's a bad run. two thousand years there you can it's just in the middle of that so catapults are around cumabunds are some way off no one in the spanish conquista doors were wearing a cummer bun no their bellies were sticking out over their jerkins and to be honest they've outgrown catapults yes the catapults and the aztecs don't even have catapults all right so for the catap yeah because you got you can place this differently yes you can that's true so the astecs are what three thousand years behind yeah because this is like this is after the invention of the musket or the the beginning of the guns yeah with spain

but for Aztecs it's before the invention of the wheel Yes So like But again We've got two different axes But none of our listeners are Aztecs Right so next episode

We should place this from the Aztec perspective And then the Spanish perspective But from the Aztec perspective Everything's insane Yeah It's before everything Yeah it's before everything Yeah

They're still eating each other Yeah So Cortez Marches from From Veracruz To looking for Tenochtland The City of Gold And with him

He's got 300 Spaniards 800 native allies 15 horses 20 arquebusiers What the fuck Imagine they're musketmen Because an archibus is a gun Okay

Like a blunderbuss Yeah 40 crossbowmen A few cannons Dogs And his aim is to win over The Slash Carlins And march into the heart

Of the Aztec world Now the Slash Carlins We set up at the end of the last episode They are a neighbouring Mishika people Or now are people We're not part of the Aztec Empire But could

ritually fucked over. Yeah, they hate each other. Yeah. Not only are they being oppressed, they're asked to ritually dance out their oppression every year. No, this is really poor form. I guess it's like the Commonwealth Games

if we weren't constantly beaten by our former colonies. And then we took whoever won and sacrificed them. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. So you win the 100 metres, right, on a stone, cut your heart out, chuck them down the stairs.

There are these things called the Flower Wars. Yes. Which is every year, the Aztecs fight the Slash Carlins and it's a ritual thing It sounds nice Yeah I mean you think oh that's nice

A flower war And then the result of the flower war So the Aztecs takes some Clash Kalins to go and sacrifice And cut their hearts out A bit of entertainment Chuck them down the stairs You know how like

When a woman's been abused at home And she's got a black eye She says she fell down the stairs Sorry Talking to me Yeah She's got a black eye She goes I fell down the stairs

Yeah Drecking if an Aztec had his heart Cut out What happened to you I fell on the stairs. Right, right, yeah. I fell on the stairs. Oh, right, yeah.

What happened at the top of the stairs? Doesn't matter. So they're going on at home? No. Just another Tuesday. It was a bank holiday weekend. So, yeah, so the Spanish and the Tash Carlins meet, right? And the key thing to this story is that it's not as simple as the Spanish taking over the Aztecs.

It's that the Aztecs are hated because they're the dominant force. And they keep stealing people to sacrifice. Yeah, and the Spanish are massive aliens on. giant dogs giant dogs with huge cocks yeah and the Aztecs are terrified

of these huge dog cocks men but this is I guess this is the fatal flaw though of getting colonised dog cocks is the divide and conquer

because as much as you hate your local neighbor if you side with the person trying to destroy them you're next and it's the thing that they don't learn

time and time again so the Cortez sends Spanish sends letters in Spanish to the Slash Carlin saying, we're here in peace. Can I talk to you about our Lord and Save of Jesus Christ? Yeah. And the Slash Carlin's like, what the fuck? I can't read Spanish. What the fuck is this? I got a lot of questions.

I've got so many questions. Why is that Dog Rock? That's the biggest dogawk I've ever seen. The Tash Carlin's fight the Spanish thinking they're Aztec allies and they work out that they're not. They work out that they're going to work together. Yeah, so there's a battle which the Spanish win. and then this is a nice detail some of their wounded dress their wounds with quote the fat of a stout

Indian woman Now is that Yeah is it Colonial Indian or is it a New World Indian I imagine New World Indian Because everyone Everything that's not Europe is Indian at this point Right yeah

It's just different degrees of Indian West north south And for you that's not still kind of the case That's how I see the world You view Italians as Indians Yes you've got Britain You've got France and then it's just India

and then you go west you have Ireland there's a big sea and then India starts again India's fucking massive huge place from New York all the way around

to Belgium that's India in my head terrifying absolutely terrifying vast country when people say you in Brussels

being like I fucking hate India my God this is India now you sound like those AI TikToks I get where you wake up in London in 2130 Just shit on the floor

Yeah, when people say India's overwhelming It's because it's just, it's too, there's too many different areas You've got South Africa, you've got Norway It's all India, it's terrifying Anyway, so they use the fat of an A fat Indian woman They sort of, what do they smelt her down?

How are they getting the fat? I guess there's some smelting, similar smelting process, I imagine. I suppose the Aztecs, if they're eating people Then they must have the technology to, you know, I guess are you rendering out the fat? Are you putting the... And imagine she's dead, because can you hard harvest fat from people who are alive.

Well, you put the fat woman in a cold pan. This is another, this is a bit of a, Finn's cooking corner, if you like. We've got a lot of people saying they wanted more cooking tips after the, my steel, stainless steel pan. So, you want to render out, you know, are you cooking chorizo or steak or whatever in one of these stained steel pans?

You want to put it in a cold pan and just let that fat. You don't need oil, right, because it's so fatty. Yeah, exactly. You want to render the fat out slowly. Right. Do it the salmon as well. Just sort of let. Salmon?

Yeah, yeah. Because it's so oily. No oil for salmon. A little bit of oil, but it's more about the cold pan warming up. slowly let the fat of the fat the fat render out slowly right rather than putting in a hot pan well after you talked talking about the stainless steel pan it now finally works you've got one no i had one but i can never get to work because i was just heating up smacking it on and can get it off but yeah you wait till it goes ting ting yeah yeah uh now what are your views are you using uh healthy seed oils

or anything like that i'm using olive oil olive oil olive oil right i'd drink it if it was socially acceptable yeah i saw a clip of a guy saying the purpose of food is to get olive oil into your body right because that's how good it is for you And I saw that and I was like, I'll do that. I fucking love the stuff. No further questions. I will happily spend 30 pounds on a bottle of olive oil. Really?

Yeah. I think it's where all the money should go. Well, it should all be on the olive oil. Right. I'm putting everything on oil. Are you cooking an extra virgin? Sorry? Very personal question.

Frankly, that's one of your business. That's not of your business what I'm doing at home. Are you using a light olive oil to cook in? You're not using extra virgin, are you? No, no, no, no. To cook in at a high heat, use avocado oil because it's a neutral oil.

And also it doesn't smoke? It's got the highest smoke point, but it does still smoke because you're cooking temperature is going out past 210 degrees. Right. Anyway, so somehow they render the fat out of

a large native woman and they use this fat a stout Indian woman, so short as well, so quite compressed. Like sort of an Indian gimli. Yes. But I guess the American Indian,

they're quite stocky, aren't they? They're not like big and fat. They're sort of, They're compact Yeah Little fellas Pig meats are sort of around Don't they

Pig meats in Africa Are they Yeah But you get a native American pigmies Don't you No I don't think so Try to help me out here

What is this Man Consumes Idiot consumes 24,000 calories Right That's a guy Drink drinking

drinking olive oil Out of that's a man drinking a yard of olive oil Which is 24,000 calories Fuck me This is This is Finn it's funny wearing a Michael Jordan headband as if you're being like an athlete

there's a fat man in a garage drinking a gallon of olive oil I'm watching now but out of a giant erding a glass erding a stein and he's got to the end he's really struggling that last oh but you made it this far you've got to do the whole thing look how long it's taking new old to get from the bottom to the top that's a that's a thick substance that yeah I guess olive oil is good for you but this this much is probably not great everything in moderation they say

man what's his life like drinking olive oil in a garage and filming it he's been leaking oil out of his butt for the last nine hours he says okay thank you charlie can we get back to the aztecs maybe so it just comes out your ass olive oil if you drink that much is it just solely seep out of your body so his pants is that a pressing is that a press you know is it oh wait so you could press it through a purse so if you collected all the olive oil that seeps out of his ass then that's extra extra virgin olive oil that's like an extra process well that man's clearly a virgin So yeah, that is virgin olive oil. That's a virgin drinking virgin olive oil.

Fat ugly virgin olive oil. Fat ugly lose a virgin olive oil. Right. Anyway. Anyway, there's a bit of a ding-dong with the Spanish, the Tashcarlins. But the Tashcarlands, they lose some, the Spanish lose some troops. And then the Spanish, they don't really trust the negotiations to the Tash-Carland send. So Cortes has all their right hands and thumbs cut off and sends them back.

Yeah, because there were spies, apparently very bad spies. Yeah. So I imagine they were like just listening into it, all 50 of them. Yeah. That was the problem. They're all 50 spies at once. I guess James Bond doesn't really work if it's a group of 50 people. No.

Like imagine all the work that James Bond's trying to do sneaking into an enemy base, right? Yeah. And if there's 50 of him. Especially if there's one Bond girl. That's a very different film. What, Bon, Bon, Karkie? Bond bang. It's a gang bond.

Oh, imagine having a gang bang with all. all the James Bond actors. Well, I'm sure you have. I'd love to. That's probably Bonnie Blues next stunned, isn't it? I'm going to have sex with Roger Moore. Is he alive? No, he's dead, isn't he?

Who are the living bonds? Dalton's got to be alive. Dalton, Brosnan, Craig. Connery's gone. Oh, Lazenby's got to be very old. Lily Phillips would do Laysenby because she's in care homes now, isn't she? Yeah. It's like COVID.

She's running rampage in the care homes. She's loose in the care homes. the government's failed our old people Lily Phillips is running wild and through care homes tearing through them fucking men to death Anyway the trash carlin sued for peas And invited Spanish to their city

By now the Spanish had lost half the canary And a fifth of their men So they really need these allies Yeah so Cortez Of course they do they don't know where the fuck they are Because Cortez had originally had a thousand men Right and now he's lost a fifth of them

So he's down to 800 And now Montezuma we need to talk about Montezuma is the king Of the Aztex Monty! Monty! You're right! Yeah.

Now, Monty is Montezuma the second, the ninth emperor of the whatever the fucking dynasty it is. So Montezuma, he's always hearing, Monti, he's always hearing about the Spanish, and he's sending emissaries to say, yeah, we've got loads of gold, but honestly, it's not that, it's pretty poo-y gold, it's not great, you shouldn't come.

He's trying to hold them at arm's left. It must be so weird for, it's so weird for both of them. For the Spanish, this is fucking mental. Yeah. And for him, this is like nothing he's ever seen before ever. So he's just getting all of these things coming through and neither know how to deal with each other. So he just keeps sending these parties

to just sort of check on their progress and sort of ascertain what to do next. And so Montezuma keeps sending like golds and treasures. Trying to fuck him off. It's a weird thing to say, yeah, have this gold, but don't come where all the gold's from. Yeah. Cortez is like, well, I'm fucking.

Yeah. I want more of that. Yeah, brilliant. So Cortez, finally enters the city. What it's like actually is like when you're trying to trick like a fat kid into a cage

you're just dropping biscuits. I'm listening. And then it's oh a biscuit. You know it's like Hunter Simpson. Oh, brilliant. And in a way it's just a trail of gold that he's just picking up on his route to Nostoklan.

So he enters Tashkarla Cortez and delivers the usual shit about stop bombing and stop. Right. Right, come on. Get down from there. Stop it. Put that way.

They give him some gifts of women and blah, blah, blah. But they always also show the Spanish. They've got cages full of people who are being fattened up for sacrifice. Right. These big,

they've got suckling babies, sucking pigs. Yeah, but are they fattening for sacrifice? Is they going to eat them? Oh, yeah, as you discuss.

Yeah, I guess so. Is it how much cannibalism is actually happening? Is it just like a couple of them? No, they're fucking love it. They fucking love it. All you can eat.

The whole thing's in all you can eat buffet. Right. Every day. Yeah. They've got those competitions. They fucking love it. If you eat a whole person

in half an hour, you get your photo on the wall. You get a bib You know, I did that once Fatsy Arbuckle's challenge Did you? Yeah, yeah I didn't

How big was it? It wasn't so It was an ice cream Called the Arbuckle And it was like me, My sister and my granddad And we all nearly didn't finish it But we did

And then we got a photo Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah How big is it? It's big like a like a punch bowl of ice cream Wait, so you eat All three of you had that Separately no no no we had three spoons we had one of them but we had like a meal of ribs and

burgers and stuff and what were you trying to achieve I wanted my photo on the wall before I found comedy my main route to fame was through competitive eating I said this hadn't worked out I would probably be one of those guys you see in like shit sunglasses flopping hot dogs down the throat you know how they did they you've seen they dip the bread and water you're a performer I'm a performer I'm a showman I'm just thankful that my my eating habits didn't my joke writing skills

developed faster than my eating habits To be honest We don't know where your career is going to go Hey You might become creative You spend pretty soon To be honest I mean on

You're on death's door Upon cancellation If I still need to work I will be entering On a cruise ship Dude Just speed eating Dipping hot dogs

Dipping mince pies In the fat of a stout Indian woman And just nailing it I love it when they dip The buns in water You've seen that Loob it

Get it up Charlie there's a hot dog eating competition where they have the hot dog buns which are quite like they're quite stouty thing quite doughy buns right and they dip him in this like fluid

right and then they just fucking oh is it's just loop hey is it just loobing them up so that you can chuck them down so it's a wet dog

yeah it's a wet dog they're eating wet dogs I feel at that point it starts to become sort of cheating if you're lubing it up it's the here we go

because then you might as well this is it look they're just fucking he dips it so is this This is happening with the sacrifice, fattened up young boys. Yeah.

Then they'll have competitive eaters. No, that's a man who's got the hairstyle of a competitive eater. Streamlined. Yeah. So these guys just eating a family of four. Yep.

They're just dipping dicks in the fluid and just... Yeah. So the Aztecs are competitive eating each other. Td Bank knows that running a small business is a journey. From startup to growing and managing your business. That's why they have a dedicated small business advice hub on their website. To provide tips and insights on business banking to entrepreneurs,

no matter the stage of business you're in, visit td.com slash small business advice to find out more or to match with a TD small business banking account manager. But that's what I mean. They fucking love it. They're loving it. They're eating and everything. Right, yeah.

So they're fatning people up because they want to put these fat, kids and these fat women in cold pans slowly render all the fat out i guess yeah so they know they're going to get sacrificed because i wonder if any of them are not sure if they're going to get eaten or not and then it's like why are you putting a marinade on me why are you rubbing a spice rub all over my thighs what is this is it have i done well i've been a good boy just rubbing cayenne pepper into my thighs oh i'd love to be smoked yeah what what a rub would you like if you're going to get probably a kn kind of Cajun rub. Okay, right, right, right.

Yeah, I'd probably have like a salsa verde type thing. Really? I'm just sort of sliced up. You put me in a sandwich like a bit of steak. Cold cuts. Yeah. I wouldn't want to eat human cold cuts. Lunch and meat.

Human spam. Absolutely not. Anyway, where the fuck are we? Right, Cortes stays in Tash Kala for 17 days. And this is where the locals fill him in on all the stuff that's going on with the Aztecs. Right. And so, Slashcarlan's hate the Aztecs.

And it's pretty obvious to any historian that, Obviously, the Aztec conquest is sort of, you know, if it's possible without the Slashkarla, like powering it along as well. Because they're like, these guys have got swords and dogs with huge cocks. We can take the, we can take the Aztecs. But there's so many Aztecs. So I feel what's probably, the sources are all,

obviously the victors write the history. The Spanish have tried to really sell it as like 600 conquistadors beating fucking six million. Yeah. And I think the big things that are consistent. consistently underplayed by the Spanish accounts is how much the Chashkalins. Yes, yeah, exactly. So it wasn't just the Flashkalans.

They're like one of the biggest groups, but as you'll see, they'd get close to Mexico. And more and more native people start joining them. Because they pissed off so many people at this point, the Machi group. Yeah. Now, Corters has got the Slash Carlins on side. Right. And now he adds a thousand troops from the Clash Carlins. And he decides to go through Chulula.

But Chulula is another hot source. source. Oh, is it? Oh, yeah, of course, with the sexy lady. Yeah, sexy lady on front. Yeah. Now, he could have gone via Hwex and Cinco, which is an ally of the Slashcarlins. Go on. But he goes to the Aztec. The Chalula is the, their allies of the Aztecs. Right. And now what he does in Chalula is, this is where the real rapacious side of Cortes comes out. Rapacious. Yeah. Now, what does that word mean? I don't really know. What's rapacious mean? Is it a nice way of saying rapy?

Yeah, I don't know. that, or rapies shortfall, aggressively greedy. Yeah. So I have a rapacious attitude to mince pies. And here's a rapacious attitude to massacring chelulans.

Yes. You know, tomato. Exactly. Which I come from the Aztec world, right, tomatoes. And it's a no wattle word, tomato. Is it?

Yeah. Tomato. Tomato. Chocolate. What, there's a couple of other ones. There's a couple of nuatal words. Does that mean that chocolate is originally spelled like

T-S-L-O, T-X-O? Yeah, it's an Azteate. word chocolate exotol X-O-C-O-L-A-T-L-A-L-A-T-L-A-T-L-A-C-L-A-C-L-A-C-L-A-C-O coffee? They've got coffee here as well? I don't know.

I mean, it's anything that, they do sort of sound Aztec-E. Axolotl, that's definitely, yeah. Who's that then? That's an ashton. Do you know about axolotles? My uncle had an axolotl. I saw one the other day.

It was really funny. My uncle on an axolotel who was seemingly clinically depressed, apart from my uncle walked in the room. And then he'd go like this. He loved my uncle, hating everyone else. It's a weirdly complicated feelings for a fucking... What's he doing when your aunt comes in? That's how I feel, to be honest.

He's writing a boys get sad, too, T-shirt. Axolotles get sad too. So Cortez and the Slash Carl and Boys, they entered Shulula unopposed. However, normally up till now, they've always been welcomed with some gifts, some gold, whatever. A hamper from Fort LaMason. Truffles, chutneys, jams, preserves. But the local leaders of the Chululans, they don't welcome them.

They don't give them any food or drink for the first three days. And they are absolute savages. And put your hand down, Clever Charlie. They're savages, and they deserve everything they've got coming for them. They deserve to be massacred. This is the first instance of Cortez helping people. to help themselves the natives begin acting nervous and evasive right darting their eyes around what's that what's happening here they didn't like the hamper what do we do um and then

malinche that slut um the the the babbo you know the um what's you know the minks the tower of baby yeah with all the languages yeah she heard from her so and so she's gospel she's She's a gossiper. She's one of history's great gossipers, maybe. Yes, she is. She's a gossip girl. She hears from the wife of a Cholula noblewoman that there has been a plot

to ambush the Spanish while they're sleeping. But we don't know if this is true, right? Well, this could all be Melinche making it up because, and a lot of this could be. Melichetia. But she's a malign actor. So Cortes strikes first, which is always the right thing to do,

preemptive first strike. Well, he was left no choice. No, look, you've backed into a corner, You've not given me any food apart from this hamper. You know, a hamper is nice, but you don't want to live off it. You can't just be eating preserve. You can't be eating chutney. That's your main.

He calls a meeting with the city leaders at the main temple. They admitted Montezuma had told them to resist, but claimed they hadn't acted on it. So Cortez said, right, thank you for being honest with me. You're all going to die now. Masca, yeah. So they kill everyone, civilians, soldiers. And now Cortes later claims in his letter to the Spanish King, Charles V, that 3,000 chelululans were killed in three hours.

but that could be as many as 30,000, who knows. There are some people that suggest that Slash Carlins are using the Spanish as kind of a way of killing Aztec. Definitely. I'm sure that's happening. But this is where the Chululamaska, which is different to my Chulula Masca, that's when I have too much hot sauce and my toilets.

My toilet's a Sunday evening on the toilet. Sunday evening for me after a big Mexican the night before. Either way, myself and the Spanish have gained a reputation for Brutale. What would you say is the cuisine that does the work most damage to your asshole? Indian, probably, yeah? Do you reckon?

Yeah, Indian or Mexican. Probably about the Far East. What? Chinese, like a cess one thing absolutely does me in. Cabbage and chili paste. Yes, it's more stinging, but it's not as heavy as Indian, like the... Well, the stout Indian woman's fat. Yes, exactly, yeah.

Yeah, ghee does... Gea, almost you can wear ghee like cologne after curry, I find. It just hangs on you. That's one of the fattest things about. before I think you have a curry and then you just even you need to have a shower after it because you feel like it's on me

I'm now the curry I'm the curry I'm the curry I'm the curry You're a curried goat I've just curried myself You didn't carry himself in glory there I didn't right So after Chalula

The Spanish crossed the mountains Into the Valley of Mexico Which is and for the first time They see this incredibly beautifully lit petrol station Glimbering in the distance And they think fucking hell was that one pound thirty nine word yeah what year is it but basically even though

the aztex diesel for less than one pound 40 i don't believe it and uh they're amazed by its scale beauty yeah and uh the night hatch the night hatch doesn't start till 11 that's pretty good thing with tenotra clan even though the aztecs are so behind with um a lot of technology wheels blades iron all of that sort of stuff they are advanced to different ways like there's no real comparable city in Europe, maybe. What's this? Charlie, she's found a news story about a woman who gave birth at a Texaco garage. Mum, Sasha Tadman, had planned a calm, relaxed water birth for the wife of a second child.

But baby Clementine had different ideas. Did she? She was born in her parents' car on a petrol station, forecourt. And that's quite funny to be called Clementine, to be born in the forecourt of a Texaco garage. I reckon that's the only Clementine in history. Who's been born in a fucking Texaco, four court? not even like a mini

wait shows or a little M&S Texaco Texaco is one of the that's one of the more grimer petrol stations I reckon on the scale I don't drive you don't you don't you know I mean yeah anyway so but even though they're

less technologically advanced this city is pretty much unparalleled in Europe apart from maybe Constantinople comparably it's huge it's beautiful and it's also very new or Venice because it is the Renaissance and it's on water yeah but the scale of it

is so much bigger than Venice it is big and there are that we should talk about there are these amazing causeways from the edge of the lake going up to the island so they sort of build these what are they like floating bridges almost which is yeah and they get around with canoes they don't have like big boats

kayaks yeah they kayak it's got this big central complex with lots of pyramids and stuff but it's also relatively new like a lot of the European cities obviously Rome is a great city but that's crumbling apart and it's got this is like it must have been built in the last 150 years yeah so it's got a grid system exactly it's Milton Keynes

it's Milton Keynes it's Milton Keynes on sea It's devastatingly beautiful Cortez arrives He goes, I cannot believe This Garden City on the lake Sign me up for Milton Keynes Dons The Milton Keynes Bowl But do you know

So you must when you're hearing this story Get a thrill for the ancient world Of imagining walking through To Naltra Clown for the first time Surely that throats your goat a tiny bit Definitely I'd love to I'd love to stumble upon A backward civilisation

But I but it is a Because then it's more hippies to call savages right Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's more people to say get a job to. Think of the 100,000 people I can say, get a fucking job. 100,000 people out of work in a city on a lake. Brilliant.

There is a crying shame that it's completely destroyed. Yeah, it would be nice to have something left over. But we'll get to that. So they're in awe. Cortez, yeah, they can see it in the distance, this glittering city of Milton Keynes by this astonishing petrol station. And Moctezuma sends out more emissaries, pretending to be the king himself

hoping the Spanish for it and go and leave Yeah his tactics is quite odd He's trying to delay them They'll want to meet me And then they can just go Yeah And he doesn't seem to understand

That I mean why would he Yeah I mean he still doesn't know what a horse is So why really know what a Spaniard is But the Flash Carlins They know that's not Montezuma And so again I mean maybe Cortez would have been tricked

If it wasn't to the Flash Garlands Right Montezuma sends more on voice with increasingly lavish gifts trying to delay them but it doesn't work and on the 18th of November 1519

Cortez and his army crossed the great causeway towards the island city of Tnoshitlan and at the end of the causeway they see this man in a sort of splendid finery sitting beneath this sort of golden arch

with like flowers and stuff and this is Montezuma you're right all right is Monter Monter! And so they arrive in the city November 1519

they meet all the nobles and you know people are they're friendly yeah that's what's amazing is that it starts out pretty it's all pretty civil yeah um this the old world and new world i guess you're just completely fascinated right you know what's going on what the fuck is going on here yeah these dogs with big cocks like it's fucking bonkers yeah yeah so he's been montezuma the second who's been emperor of the aztecs since 502 finally appears cortez So this is an interesting one. This is just kind of like a sort of like the kind of autistic people during COVID

is going on here. Or is that a hug? Is it an elbow? Is it a handshake? There's an element of David Brent to it. Right. Corta's like, yeah. And Montezuma's like, all right.

And then they agree. So he tries to hug him and Montezuma's just sort of They agree on a handshake. Physically stop him. Yeah. Now we need to talk about Montezuma because we haven't really talked about him yet. This is the great sort of battle

in the historiography. Yes. is how much do, does he submit to the Spanish? How weak actually is he? How weak is he? Yeah. Because there's theories that are obviously coming from the Spanish. Yeah. That Montezuma immediately thinks that the Spanish are a gods.

And so submits. That's been, that's almost certainly bollocks. Yeah. But then just how the later in the story, all this stuff of negative self, the things he thinks are gods are the dogs with the huge gods. so Montezuma's the quick recap he'd been very ruthless before the Spanish arrived again this is in the period where the Aztecs

are really starting to use human sacrifice as a political weapon It's kind of the peak of the empire It's the kind of the massive expansion before the Spanish And he had actually started to try and centralise the Aztec Empire in the way that we'd understand empires now And was he one of the first to do that probably Yeah I think so So one of the things I found most fascinating about him

is that in many ways what he thinks the Spanish are these weird new people he'd not seen before. Well, he's right. Yeah. But what Montezuma does with weird new people

he's not seen before is he puts them in a zoo. Montezuma had a zoo full of disabled people and deformed people that he kept as like a collector's item. Which is,

because there's many ways that the Aztecs are more advanced than the European Yes. Do you know what I mean? This is one of them. This is one of them because it wasn't until eugenics in the 19th century. Yes.

That Europe finally reached the point where it's like, let's put disabled people in zoos. Well, Europe wasn't putting disabled people in zoos. It's putting black people in zoos. Okay. Montezuma is putting disabled people in zoos. We doesn't have black people. Exactly. Right.

In some ways, he's still far behind. Montezuma supposedly has like anyone who's born a dwarf or with like a, you know, like a funny hand or something. or whatever, get them in the zoo. Let's have a look at them. He's putting, like, if you get too fat, you go in the zoo. Really? I guess so. If you have Down syndrome, you're in the zoo.

Like, he has a huge aviary with birds. He has, like, all the animals that are native there, like, turkeys, jaguars. Do they have custom-made enclosures for what your disability is? Well, the Downs enclosure. I guess so. I guess some have. You know, like anti-clime paint on the walls, and some don't. Reading, playing, learning.

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New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's taxes extra. There's animals in there in the zoo as well. Yeah, not in the same. Yeah, no, but they're blended. So you go from a different closure. I imagine there's a bird section and then a special needs section. And there's no zoos in Europe at this point.

There's quite a new innovation, the idea of zoos. And this is actually brought back, the content of the zoos is brought back with the Spanish. Yes, although this has sort of happened in like the ancient empires. Right. Because there's a whole, there's a notion the empires have of collecting, which sort of shows soft power.

Sure. That you show how big the empire is because you show how many different things you have in your empire. It's just very funny that the Aztecs. You know, I guess they could have been sacrificing these people. But they decided to, I'd rather be in a zoo than sacrifice. Same, so would I. Yes, Charlie.

Is there like. Is there like a cut off? Like if you have a little bit of autism, are you in the zoo or are you... Nowadays, the zoo would be very crowded. Do they have the sensitivity to understand if you have mild autism? Like, he's pretty bad at eye contact,

can't really read the room socially. Let's put him in the zoo. But I don't think that's a great thing to look at. That guy's got a really, really good kayak timetables. Let's put him in the zoo. Yeah, that's like, I think you're missing the point.

It needs to be, you need to have that wow factor. Yeah. You know, you walk in and go, oh, what the fuck is wrong with them? It's not just a guy in a rain jacket going, oh! another train.

Yeah. It's a guy with your head on a child's body. Get that in the zoo. What on earth's going on there? I would have been put in a zoo probably. Oh, you're at the zoo. Yeah, I'll be in the zoo.

Because I've had this size heads that I was about six years old. Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Including aquatic life reptiles. Aquatic autists. Oh no, hang on. Even those considered odd looking by the Aztecs.

I mean, that is a bit of fun though. That's a bit of fun. Well, yeah, in such a brutal society where you had such a high risk getting sacrificed being in a zoo is you have your food prepared for you like how I think you'd do alright in a zoo do you reckon they're taking the the off-cuts

of the sacrificial victims and chucking them at the desert down syndrome people in the zoo probably yeah that's quite problematic they're chucking like they're chucking warriors dicks and they're the trimmings for the yeah if you know lions eat like the you know you don't give the prime cuts to them

do you yeah if you're chucking fat children's dicks at people with dissat down syndrome in a zoo I think can we just like Stephen Frye just relish the sentence you've just said and then I want the listeners to think of another podcast where you'd hear that sentence

but I do I think that's problematic and they shouldn't be doing it. Sorry if you're chucking the the dicks of fat children. And I know a lot of people who want to call me I know everyone's now thinking I'm super far left yeah I'm ruining this podcast my weakness but I do think chucking fat kids cocks at people with Down syndrome in a zoo is a

no listen that's a that's a that's a bridge too far no there's nothing wrong with it they had their own culture well I guess that could be the woke the actual woke view would be cultural relativism exactly yeah it'd be like well yes but you have to understand there's a rich history of chucking kids cocks that people would yeah actually the woke thing to do is to keep down to people in captivity

and feed them the dicks of slaughtered fat boys yeah because I guess like the European relationship with dwarf is throwing them at a target What? Oh, right. I say that's the North American. No, no, no. The courts of Russia would always would be thrown in ports. Yeah, a lot, there's a lot of dwarf play in European courts.

But I think it's potentially, it's an interesting subversion chucking stuff at dwarfs. Yes. Yeah, food. Chucking food at dwarfs. So, so my point, the reason I brought this up is that there is a theory that Montezuma thought, oh, these are some more fucked up people. They can go in the zoo. Zippo circus.

came into town. Yeah, get them in the enclosure, exactly. So the Spanish are given lodgings. Right. He puts them up

in the palace of his father. Ashaya cattle. Ashaya cattle. I wonder what like the hospitality is because they're treating them, they're giving them top hospitality.

Yeah. What is top Tenostoklanian hospitality? Are your sheets made? Like, I don't think there are sheets. So you wouldn't. It's stone.

Is it just, yeah, like what are you lying on? Because obviously you go to a nice hotel. Yeah. Or if you're foreign dignitary now, you'd have the sheets tucked in so tight you can barely get them out.

Oh, I hate that. Yeah. All the pillows in the bed. Mad. But here, I guess... It looks like it's wicker mats, straw mats, some reeds. Aztec beds were primarily woven reed mats

called pedladladladl. Off leg on the floor. Sound about Irish there. Pedladladladl. These mats were sometimes covered with rugs and padded with feathers. Yeah, lots of feathers going on. Lots of turkey feathers.

Sure. Can we just have a moment to appreciate that Cortez is probably. never seen a turkey before. Yeah. And that must have been mad. Yeah. What the fuck is that?

Yeah. It's a big chicken, I guess, with a lot of water. They look so fucked turkeys. Yeah, and they're everywhere. Anyway, this is still in November 1519. Montezuma visits Cortez in the palace, and Cortez, as is, you know, he's got one song and he likes to play it every time. Please stop bumming each other.

Accept Jesus into your life. Yeah. Christ, whatever. Except Jesus up your ass. To take teachers out your ass and put them in your heart Montezuma responds with a statement that doesn't make much sense You are our long lost ancestors

Who have returned to their homeland Some think he means Ketja Koasol Who's the gods That we talked about in the first episode Who I think The big winged god Was prophesised to return at some point

That's the big boy But this is why This is where maybe the idea That the Aztecs think The Spanish were gods comes from But that's kind of been But then again it's like you've got to understand the Spanish's idea of what's happening

is coming from this translation chain although it's not anymore because now Malinche's Chinese accent whispers it's Chinese accent whispers is dead terrifying Melinche is learned English herself right so she's got rid of the Geronimo right so how much of it is like actually what gets said how much of it is her

who fucking knows so Cortez basically claims the whole city for the king of Spain right and Montezuma's like what's a king what's Spain Well, someone tell me how this dog's got such a big cock. I don't understand what's going on here. Montezuma does something.

I can't remember what, that Cortez can interpret as an actual surrender. Basically, like, formal no waffle is quite friary. And there's this whole thing about, like, he effectively says something to Cortez along the lines of Nicasso, Su-Casa. Oh, right. So, your house is my house. Yeah, right, okay.

Take it quite literally. Yeah, because they're poets, the Aztecs. Yes, the way they're. talk about things is in rhymes. Poetic cannibals. Yes. Hilarious. Yeah.

Flowery language and pretty fruity practices as well. So, Monti, even if he did say that, there's a chance Montezuma was trying to placate the Spanish.

Yeah. He obviously he's seen have got these, you know, steel swords and these dogs with huge cocks. The first thing they notice in Tenochtland

has got this huge market, gorgeous market. Massive. Massive. So it's bigger than Barra market. At least. Yeah.

There's chocolate. The chocolate milkshake. The Azte's a man chocolate milk or chocolate milk or hot chocolate whatever it's called yeah a frothy drink made from cocoa beans damn fair play um the central square is bigger than constant antinople or rome one section of the market sold human excrement whole section yeah that's some markets in east london i've been to that's pretty much all they sell like road road market that's pretty much a just poo does it yeah there's a human excrement store at the end yeah now yeah you poo seller is that like

are you, is there like a pun you've got your food van? Like at festivals, you know how it's like a pun for them? Charlie's got his hand up. Go on. Do you need a license to, you know how you need a license to like sell

or play guitar? Can you just bowl up anywhere and sell poo? No, no, because I think it depends if you're selling it as manure or food because it's food and then it probably doesn't pass. Is it outside the realms of the law if you just take a shit on the street and set it somewhere?

Since Brexit, we can do our own food laws. So I guess you're allowed to... Your next question is going to be, and if so, where do I get one? Well, no, just like, can I go out and do it if I wanted to? Could I just go and sell my shit on the street? Well, I'll tell you what you'll be able to do. I don't think it'll be legal. I think if you were just a homeless person screaming about your own shit,

I think that probably does happen. But I don't know if you'd be able to wear a uniform. Do you know what we'll get? We'll get comments, people saying, are you used to be able to sell your own shit, but now under Starma, this country is so hostile to entrepreneurship, but I doubt you'll need a fucking red tape need to just tell your own shit in the street.

Because of European food standards. EU laws means we can't sell around shit. Anyway, so there's something, they see, the Spanish see this kind of weird practice where there are people wearing loincloths, dancing and singing in honour of the goddess Tazotto Othel.

That's Tlatzelotl. Which means, quote, she who eats filth. That's what I call my wife. She Who Eats Filth. That's what we had in our wedding vows. Do you take she who eats filth to be your awfully wedded wife? And these were sort of a so-called public sinners.

So adultery, which is a big no-no in Aztec culture. Is it? Okay. Cut me open, by all means. And eat me. Eat me. But don't you dare cheat on me? Interesting. So this whole dance is like a ritual of atonement for being adulterous. But interestingly, you can only do this once in your life.

You had one go. the next time you confessed you were stone to death it's just a fool me once sort of fool me once shame on me for me twice stone me to death there is kind of something nice about that yeah I think that is like

if you can't have a strong legal system and you're trying to get some just embedded cultural rules one strike and you're out so Montezuma takes Cortez up the pyramid not a euphemism takes him he took him up the pyramid last night

first night in the city bloody hell um this is the this is where the about 30 years previously there'd been that 80,000 people killed them four days. Fucking hell was it this pyramid?

Yeah yeah so it's at the top right they go to this room which is where the top of the sacrifice pyramid and the room is like you want to see some fucking you want to see some of shit here stinks of blood oh yeah

there's like you reckon there's Kate there's gore fucking everywhere it's like Indiana Jones Temple of Doom times 10 I would love to see that there's like

there's brazias burning with human hearts the whole place stink stinks of flesh and Cortez goes could you put a crucifix up in here does you reckon just put a Christian

across at the top and because I guess something we haven't mentioned is that he is proper Christian this guy yeah he's like an aggressive Christian yeah he will not stop

God bothering he's one of the most bothering God botherers yeah you can get but Montezuma is also very strong with whatever they believe wherever the fuck's going on there yeah and so he's

livid Cortez leaves and then he's Montezuma's so like annoyed it himself for letting this fucking heathen into his blood chamber that he has to sacrifice to people to atone for it to atone for letting the guy in with the cross he was like yeah i shouldn't have done that it's like self-flagellation apart from it's someone else so flagellation i'm into that i'd do that god i've been so awful i need to kill where's that fat boy where's that fat kid hey come here i'm going to chuck your dick off

and throw it to the downy oh god do you reckon like someone with stephen hawking's vibe a ls or whatever Do you reckon they're in a very small enclosure? What, because why? Well, they don't need the room to roam, do they? Yeah, I guess so. You know, there's no wheelchairs, is there? Because there's no wheels. I would probably put them in another enclosure,

but I'd put them up on the... A ledge? Yeah. Just sort of asleep or something. Yeah. All hanging from a basket. So, the key thing that happens is that while they're staying in Tenochteland,

the Spanish discover a fucking massive stash of gold. Brilliant. Bingo. We found it. Gold! And so not long after, the Spanish soldiers talk to Cortez and try and convince him

that Mostersuma's planning to kill them. And at the same time, word arrives that Aztecs have killed Spaniards at Veracruz, the city that Cortez had set up. So Cortez acts. He and his men go to Montezuma.

They threaten him. Now this bit is very foggy. Keep going. Yeah. They place him under house arrest in his own palace. And they say, shut up or I'll kill you.

And from there, There Cortez orders the arrest and execution of the alleged conspirators, I guess the Aztecs, which obviously angers the Aztecs, including Montezuma's nephew, Kakama, who calls for a revolt. And the nephew is promptly imprisoned reportedly with Montezuma's cooperation.

So this bit is very foggy because it doesn't really seem to make a lot of sense. They're in this city. They're the guests of Montezuma. They hear that their garrison has been attacked in Veracruz. Cortez is so angry that he just holds the king hostage. Yeah. And then the Aztecs are kind of annoyed at this,

but still not doing that much about it. And then Montezuma, from the way he's been depicted in the Spanish sources, it's just kind of depressed and resigned to his fate. Oh, right. Okay. So he's under house arrest for like weeks and weeks, I think, and he just goes around doing his normal business, but just with like two Spanish guards.

But this is, like, the kind of baths. But this is the great irony or the great challenge is that Montezuma, the Spanish have to try and convince the king that Montezuma is in captivity when Montezuma is just going about his daily life because Montezuma probably thinks he's got the Spanish in captivity because he thinks I'm going to stick him in the disabled zoo. So...

Yeah, so he's got this big plan. Eventually these guys are all going to be in my disabled zoo. They're going to have this going to be a big red court when they get hungry. They pull that. I'll fall over or whatever. Yeah. Chuck kids dicks at them.

Some kids dicks at them because we're civilized. I think we should leave that episode here. the next two episodes in our epic trawl through the Aztecs they're already on the Patreon you can join for three pounds a month

and you get all the episodes in one go as well as a bonus one every week but either way thank you for stopping by and we'll see you next time bye

bye Thank you.