Fin vs History - Napoleonic Warfare is Rock Paper Scissors | Austerlitz & The Peninsular War (Part 6/10)

Episode Date: September 17, 2026

Napoleon is back, desperate for an heir and is good because he just is, alright!  The Napoleonic Wars (Part Six) This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh⁠    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠  Chapters: 00:00 - Rock Paper Scissors 05:44 - Charlie’s Breakfast 10:04 - He Just Is!  12:06 - Ding, Meet Dong 17:45 -The blackout 21:24 - Am I A Good Boss?  24:50 - I’m So Hard  32:51 - AWOO! 35:06 - Self Defenestration!  38:33 - Spawn Mogging  44:38 - We Love An Enquiry  48:20 - I Know What You Mean Brother 52:54 - Bumfirk  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. And that was five parts leading up to Trafalgar

and now we start five parts leading up to Waterloo Invers History I'm joined by Horatio Gould It's part six fellas, prostates out Get them out your ass I don't know what that means Pink sock We're gonna stay from them back in We need to take your prostate's out your ass

Pink socket have a look at it and put it back in We've done Trafalgar Because we're now embarking We're right. This is the thick of it, right? There could not be thicker. Yeah. This is the midst.

Yeah. You're up all night. My prostate's fucked. It's imploded. I've been, I don't piss anymore. It falls out. Right.

It dribbles out. Because I've been reading through the battles that we're going to encounter this episode. It's more what you cut out than what you leave in, really. Last night I went through it all. I motorboated my tome. Yeah. Fellow school shooters. He fought so many battles.

Too many. He won them all. Yeah. Fellow school shooters. Hold your Napoleon tones. Fellow. Fellow. Hold your Napoleon.

I don't think many people have said fellow school shooters because it's not much for community. My fellow school shooters? No, that's the problem with school shooters. And do they identify as school shooters? I don't know if they, I think they would view themselves as like vigilantes or like fighting for justice.

I don't think it's like, yeah, I'm a school shooter. No, it's just, it's like the word Jew. It can be a... It depends on how much tank you put on it. Yeah, exactly. School shooter. I'm a school shooter. We're a community of school shooters.

Yeah. Fellow school shooters. Hold your Napoleon tome high Put your right hand on it Get your penis out We're going to go through the battles Of Napoleon Central Europe Okay, this is a big one

Last chance ladies, go away To recap Napoleon And his fleet has been defeated at Trafalgar Sure The French Navy is effectively destroyed Nelson is dead Right

But fear not He's given up on sea Napoleon That's all that's over Doesn't matter. Yeah. Fuck it. I don't care. Yeah.

The army that was amassing at Bourgonne that was about, that was waiting for the channel to be cleared, they've turned around and he's gone, fuck it. Yeah. Let's go the other way. Is another Operation C-Lyline? Totally. We had plans that the invasion exists in a book and that's it, basically. So we're going east. Now, before we get into these battles, I would like to cook for a while.

Please. On Napoleonic Land Warfare. Please. Because we've only really talked about it. The forum is yours. The Nables... The Reddit Forum is yours. The Assembly Hall is mine.

I've got a gun. I have barricaded the door shut. Right. Okay. So you're going to listen to my manifesto, and then I may let you leave. All right? That's how we're doing this.

So... Now, Napoleon, of course, had introduced mass conscription, one of the first people to do that. That is why he is so dominant, is that he's got so many more men. But Napoleonic warfare on land, as you've said before in this series

is so enchanting to men because it's essentially we can all understand how you do it because it is basically just chess yeah very simplistic chess it's satisfying because it's penetrable enough

that you will fill in the gap saying I would have done that I know why he did that and so I could do that I will do that because it's obvious I will show them all tomorrow at school because when you read it it makes it sound like it was obvious

yes so it's nice thinking well I would have thought with that as well. But also, when you're watching the animations with the arrows, which I was last night, and Amanda went to bed long before I started doing that, this is where the arrows actually make sense. When you get to World War II, it's a fucking mess. You can't see what's going on. So, Napoleonic

warfare of land is a triangle. Cavalry, artillery, infantry. And it's a bit like rock, paper, scissors. In that you're trying some things beat other things, right? Charlie, let me cook. Some things... He's not happy at that?

Why? What is it? Apparently, if you pretend to punch someone before you do rock paper scissors And they're more likely to do scissors You said this. We talked about this for 10 minutes In the pod before.

Not on this part, we haven't. We did. Really? Genuinely, yeah. Oh my God. Because I think they get scared and then like... You're sure it's not your other podcast?

Maybe it was the other podcasts. I've never heard that before. A scissor is... Yeah, it's interesting. A scissor is more powerful than a fist because it's made of metal. So the next thing you do... Who doesn't know that?

Well, subconsciously, no one knows in many ways. Right. Napoleonic warfare on land is essentially rock paper scissors. I guess you can't use that as a metaphor because there's a way, if you, the threat of force might make someone more go for a more attacking option when actually rock was the choice to make. Right.

You know, there is something there is something Napoleonic. You know, going like this saying I could do that means that they'd like that. You've interrupted me my cooking. Sorry. I was making a meal and now Charlie's just knocked the pan in the bin. Okay.

So you're not getting fed, is my point. No, sorry. Please, please. And I'm the king, so I'm meant to be able to cook. Cooking. You know what kings are like, always cooking. They're always cooking kings, yeah? As the youth say today.

Anyway, prostates outfellers. So, cavalry, artillery, infantry, right? And it's like rock paper scissors in that cavalry will massacre infantry if they're in a line. If infantry, if infantry are in a defensive square, then the cavalry, the horses, with the swords on top, they will just charge towards the square, but they'll get spooked because they won't willingly impale themselves,

all right? So if you're in a defensive square, you're all holding your bayonets out and the horses don't go near it. But why wouldn't you do a defensive square then? Because it takes time to get into a defensive square. Yeah. Right?

So if a cavalry charge surprises you out of the woods and you're in a line, you're fucked. It's a defensive buccaki, right? Please. You will turn your backs and you wank outwards. Yes, exactly. it's Paul Golding at a Bukaki that's entirely Muslim men.

Paul Golding's going, right, well, I'm not doing this. Sorry, no, it's a Muslim woman, isn't it? It's a Muslim woman in middle. And then the whole of Britain first, wanking away. Wanking around. That's a defensive square. Yeah. Very easy to understand.

Okay. Then you have artillery. Now, artillery loves nothing more than to shoot at a defensive square because... It's a rigid, they're tight together. They're tight together. You know, two birds, one,

stone basically. Yeah. You shoot a cannonball. You can hit loads of different people, right? Artillery does not like a line. So what you're going to try and do, right? Oh, that's good. What Napoleon would try and do is use combined arms, prostates out, fellas.

Right. Because if you can trick, if you can faint with your cavalry to make people form a square. Rabinio. If you can basically, yeah, step over, right? You faint with the cavalry, horses, well, yeah. Right. They form a square because they think they're going to be charged. But then you unveil your artillery and just bomb them to ship.

check mate that's pretty good I would have thought that that's what I mean this is great it's warfare that the layman the boring layman

can understand so now essentially that's Napoleon is so brilliant is that he can read his opponent's minds and he sets traps for them right in this era

that we're talking about that they all fall into yeah because it's all about forcing the mistake right at this stage it's going I think if I do this then you'll do that and if you do that

then I can do this and I'll win. So it is rock paper scissors you're completely right. Yeah, it's rock paper scissors. So yeah, but instead of doing that

is more... But that's not... Hang on. So what? So it's more going like as if you're going to do rock. Well, so you go to punch them in the face. You pretend to punch them

kind of anywhere. I did the shoulder and then you go like that and then you immediately call the rock paper scissors on and then they will defensively... Is the psychology just... Because you've already showing them a fist.

I think it's just like they feel really threatened. No, no. It's because you're You've shown them a fear, so that's in their head, but it's not a rock. So they go, oh, I reckon he's going to do rock. Yeah, but rock destroys scissors. No, I think it's just like, I've got, I need to get some, all I can do is.

I need to get some, it's not, I need to get some scissors. That's something that's definitely. As Napoleon once said, don't interrupt the enemy while they're making your mistake. Or, I need to get some scissors. Or pretend to punch him of the face first. So they go, I need some scissors. Charlie, quick question. Our listeners will be wanting to know.

Do you, when we say rock paper scissors, what game are you playing? And our actual scissors involved? No, natural rocks. No, no, you just introduce more kind of mine stuff. Quickly, tell everyone what you have for breakfast, please. Yeah. I had two eggs, uh, rye bread, half a fish cake and a whole pack of broccoli and porridge and bananas. Yeah, it's pretty shocking.

All in one go. All in one go. A whole pack of tender stem broccoli before 9 a.m. Half an old fish cake. It's fucking insane. So when you pour the yolk into the fish cake. So, but why so many different meals? Really hungry.

homeless tapass that is are you going to eat a big lunch you think we've got massive lunch coming out I am peach and ham yeah anyway so with that in mind Napoleon walks marches east

because while Britain has dominated at sea in order to stop him on land William Pitt the younger Prime Minister has been financing coalitions of nations to stop him in Europe

he's Gaddafying it he is Gaddafying it This is when the British Prime Minister is Colonel Gaddafi. Okay, William Pitt the Younger. So... In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025.

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When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Do you struggle to keep up with the news every week? The bunker has got you covered. Every Monday, we really start your week,

where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days. And then on Fridays, we have our weekly wrap-up, where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for the bunker wherever you get your podcasts. And subscribe so you never miss an episode. He is financing this coalition between Austria, Russia, Sweden, and a bunch of other who gives a shit states.

But, so the aim is to destroy French military power through multiple front invasion. However, Napoleon is smart enough. I'll show you, I'll show all of you that he's going to go classroom to classroom. Right. He's got his AR-15. Yeah? He's gone, I'm going to take out the fact. If I take out of a fat kid first, then the skinny kids don't have anywhere to hide behind.

Yeah. You know, he's clever like that. He doesn't get flacked by geography class while he's destroying science class. Exactly. Right. Yeah. I'm going to use my muffled silence of a history class first so that no one hears me coming. Yeah.

Right. Anyway, so Napoleon is able to move faster than any other army because... He just is. He just is actually. And were you there? No. Because he's just really fast. Because he's just quick as hell.

It's just quick. You don't need to... It doesn't concern you. He's just, yeah. You don't need to know. None of your fucking business. Shut up. Go away.

Stop listening. Because he just is. He just is. Have you ever heard that on history podcast? Napoleon was great miniature tactics because he just was. He just is. He just is. He just is.

and there's not, just shut up. Yeah. I wish Holland and Sandbrook would do that more. It just, no, it just was. It just was. They just were. Because they did.

Because why do you care? It's on your business. He was just really fucking, really fast. No, because his army didn't have supply lines, right? And so they were foraging, as we said.

They were troubled pigs, as Charlie said. Onions. Yeah. They were picking up onions, just eating them like apples because they're stinky French cars. Thank you, Charlie. And then they would move faster.

They'd also be able to move, like the Prussians, for example, at this day and age, the Prussians are just moving in a fucking line. Like it's a village with something's on fire and they're passing a bucket of warfare on a huge line. Idiots, yeah? Well, you should do it like you're searching for a missing girl. Exactly.

Spread out. Why is that joody woman in a lake? Why is her dog fine? Now, Napoleon is marching east. Fast. Why is he so fast? Fuck off. He just is.

Now, we get to. the Ulm campaign. Oh. Oh, prostate's out, pink socket. I was chat chiveting some very childish things

on the train on the way. Like what? Well, best military commander of all time, best biggest, Napoleon's best victories. Yeah.

I was just ranking stuff. Yeah, and Ulm came in second. Because this is, your generation can't understand stuff without putting in a list. I need a,

I need Jackmate to do it. Jackmate. Right. Okay, Napoleon's battles. S tier, A tier, B, right, we've got to go. Oh, absolutely.

it's just here. You got it. It's just the est here, isn't it? You know? 8.05, it's still good, but, you know. 8.05, this is, Napoleon, like Messi, has multiple primes in this career. He does.

This is a career built multiple primes, but this is probably his ultimate prime. This is 2012 Messi. This is 91 goals in the calendar season. This is unplayable. Unplayable. This is probably the prime of primes is Napoleon 805.

1805 to 805, Napoleon is unplayable. Yeah. Okay. So Austria knows he's coming, right so Austria makes the first move right they go into Bavaria but we're in the first Reich at this point

now Austria believed France is still preparing for an invasion of Britain however Napoleon is so fucking fast because he just fucking is right that he just basically encircles them before they even fight so he just goes all the way around this is one of the great encirclements of all time basically

the most successful excursing he takes an entire Austrian field army out the game without killing many people any shots fired he basically just encircles an entire Austrian army that was thinking he was ages away

but he was so fast because he is just fucking is fast because he is just really fast that he impinses the Austrians encircles them and just sign a treaty and Austria just knocked out through pure speed

So they haven't even picked up the weapons they've just been sitting chilling just chess just literally just chess right Can we have like Is there a map of the Orm? Get a map of the Ulm campaign up right?

We don't need to know if Napoleon had Helies would that have helped Hold on. A.I. has got an answer. No, Hili's would not have helped Napoleon. Rolling on dry, rolling on tiny plastic heel wheels

across 19th century European muddy battlefields, cobbled roads and snowfield Russian steps would have dramatically, would have drastically accelerated this defeat rather than securing a victory. I'll tell you what, AI is impressing me how it always answers the question. It always gives...

And it's always, no. And in my head, that's the tone. No, please leave me alone. is it apart from any geographic stuff is it an aura issue as well can you know i think you could i think if you're winning battles i think you can make anything that might be seen lame you can reverse it reclaim it like if napoleon was healing his way to victory then suddenly the heelies would be a very aura farming thing to do you saying helies and i'm just saying if he if he no if napoleon wins oustilets and then when they're doing the peace treaty he comes hands in his pockets and he he healy's in

then it's sick, it's absolutely sick. Now if he loses it, if he's coming out when they're negotiating Waterloo, I think you lose a bit of war of that. Yeah. Right.

We haven't, we've got so many battles, right? The listeners are pink socking themselves. I just want to see the arrows. I want to see some of these arrows. Oh, look at these arrows. Get these arrows out. Arrow you.

Napoleon encircles an entire Austrian army. The other reason that he does this, right, the Austrians fuck it in that they're waiting for the Russian allies for backup. up. But basically, Napoleon gets into that gap to basically encircle them before the Russians get there.

The reason the Russians aren't there is that they're using a different calendar. So the Russian army is 12 days behind where the Austrians think they are. Yeah. They're using the mine calendar. Why are using the mine calendar? Centuries old, so far away. Austria

is essentially knocked out of the coalition. He then needs to move against Russia. Now, Russia, okay, as is his want, Very, very coy militarily. It's always running away going, oh, no, oh, don't, don't you get me. That's what it wants. It wants you to follow it into its deep, dark, mucky hinterland.

Oh, no, don't chase me. Right. But Napoleon, by December 1805, okay, he is looking for a decisive confrontation, a confrontation of annihilation. he wants to take Russia out of this conflict but they're being so coy and oh no don't catch me and what are Russia fighting Napoleon for at this point is it because they're part of the third coalition

and it's because they're trying to Britain are paying them Britain are paying them and they're just trying to contain Napoleon's quest for Liebing's realm in the east basically right and so this is all what is French for Leibon's realm we have that

Libby The liberal Espasse vital Espos vital Yeah Spes vital Yeah Be more romantic

Domon Kour means It's raining in my heart Okay So by December 1805 Napoleon is trying to pin down The Russians To actually have a ding dong Come here and fight me

Yeah Right the Russians keep running back So what he does And this He wants Ding to meet Dong Hey He wants Ding to meet Dong He wants Ding to meet Dong

Ding this is Dong Okay Dong ding Now I've introduced You're gonna get off his thread okay take me off the thread I don't care I don't want to see the ding dong just ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding on the

email thread take me off right so what he does is he sends envoys okay to the I think this but I still point there's an Austrian some allies with the Russians it's mainly Russians right he sends endvo

peace envoys the whole time saying hey let's come to terms let's come to terms it's all good don't worry let's chill right meanwhile he discovers this field, this terrain, outside what's now Berno in the modern day Czech Republic. Okay? And near a village

of Alstallitz. Prostate Czech fellas. It's still there. It's still there. Just. It's hanging on by a fucking thread. So we plow on. Napoleon. Okay. And as what is also great about this

era of warfare is that terrain is crucial. So it's like cricket. It's like a wicket inspection. Is today the day? Yeah. Is this field, is there enough slopes to it? It dries, you've got cracks in it, it'll be good for spin bowlers. Is there a bit of a slope to it?

The law, bowling up the slope. That'd be good in these conditions. So it's very, very cold. Okay, we come to December the 1st, 1805, the night before the famed battle. Oh, no. Was that, that, that wasn't a power cut? No, that was for nighttime. Oh, right, I see.

Okay. Let's set the sea. See, this is, yeah, right. No, I don't think that works. Remember people are listening. Yeah. I don't know if that feels that dramatic. The ice falls upon the Prussian.

No, you've just turned off their screen. Right. I don't think, I like the creative initiative, but turning all the lights off. I don't know that adds a feeling of night time. At a visual podcast. I think people are just checking that their video feeders are broken. Yeah, they'll think the YouTube video is broken.

Yeah. Anyway, so the night, it's night before the Battle of Austerlitz. Free. Freezing. Yeah. Sorry. What's that? What's that?

must-time birds. Right. It meant to be nighttime birds. Nighttime in the Czech Republic, Charlie. Find a Czech Republic bird, right, and get a night call. Yeah. So does not make me feel like it's night time. Right, we've got so much to get through.

Yeah, I'm trying to help you so hard. Yeah. Bear in mind. This is a problem about bigger breakfast. Because Charlie's been at sea this series, because it's not so much history, he's had no chance to have interjections. And he's come in and he's determined to derail this. I can just tell.

Yeah. We're going to have to. It's what I was in Broccoli. Let's just keep going. Yeah, right. While he's distracted, we must move. It's misty, okay? The Czech birds are singing.

Yeah? Right? Napoleon rides through the French bivouacs, cheering troops with lit torches, and they're celebrating the first anniversary of his coronation. Because he's made himself emperor about a year ago. Is that the straightest a birth they can be, basically?

Yeah. Yeah, before you send them all to slaughter to you. Yeah. You ride through them. It's hard for straight about to celebrate his birthday. I genuinely, I generally just sort of guy, no,

no, no, no. But people celebrating your first anniversary of your coronation as emperor, yeah. That's pretty straight. That is pretty straight. I just went to the beach this time. How old are you?

35. 36, just 10, 36. Did I miss it? Yeah. I didn't say anything. No, because I'm straight and I just, I just get on with it.

Well, I'd like you to tell me next time. Birthdays are a weakness. They are a weakness. They are. They are. It's the soft underbelly of the year. Do you know what I got? I got drunk,

and then I, this is a 36 year old birthday for you, I got drunk, I was on holiday with the family, so, you know, there's only so much fun you can have. Sure. I got drunk, and then about 8pm, I drunkenly subscribed to a new type of olive oil. From, uh... Fuck it. I don't even care anymore.

I generally said, fuck it. I went, oh, fuck it. This sounds like it all made me live longer. Fuck it. Subscribed. Yeah. You got an olive oil subscription? I have got a size of,

Ardenian volcanic, polythanol rich, olive all of all subscription. Now what? From the crank doctor called Dr. Sarah. Called what? Dr. Sarah? Dr. Sarah? What does he look like? Hey?

What does he look like? No, it's a woman. It's a woman who went to came. Oh, so her first name's Sarah. Right. Right. Sorry. I thought it was like Dr. Brian Sarah.

That's how misogynistic I am. No, no, no. I was like, oh yeah, so Dr. Brian Sarah is. She caused herself Dr. Sarah to be more intimate in emails, even though it's clearly all, you copy and paste. But I did give, because apparently, I read this article olive oil, you know, people in the blue zones.

That's Dr. Brian Sarah. It's like that. That's like that riddle of the surgeon. Yeah. How's the operator on his own child? It's a woman. Yeah, apparently supermarket olive oil is actually trash and doesn't, but in, yeah, in blue zones,

everyone lives long because they're having olive oil that's actually olive oil. Right. And so I can't judge. I'm the most susceptible to these things. I know. I know. I thought,

me up here. But I've nearly always proven wrong. The fibre powder is collecting dust, even though it is just dust. Well, what do you mean? That's just more fibre powder. That's actually a good investment. It's an appreciating aspect.

It's just growing fiber powder in your house. No, but I did give a spoonful to my Cypriot neighbor, which is not a smart. I give a spoonful of the olive. So you'd stop humping your leg. To my Cypriot neighbor. And he said, fuck me, that is good stuff. Fucking out.

You're fucking out. That's good stuff that. Okay, so how much you're paying, can you disclose how much you're paying a month? I think it's 60 quid a month for three bottles of all of all. And they're quite thin bottles. But they are from, they are from a village in,

maybe they're not, maybe I've been completely headwinked. But it does, I've been having a table spoon for it every morning. Every morning I have a table from Louisville. It's sort of like, I think with that sort of stuff, it is sort of like the sucking off your dad

in the Amsterdam glory hole story. Where? I'm not subscribed to that. No, I'm saying with that sort of things, it's better you don't know. Yeah, exactly. So you can just enjoy sucking a random knob. Yeah.

If you don't, what you don't know can't hurt you. So the fact that you think it's from some like old Sardinia woman who's 106 years old has all these mates walks up hill all day. Yeah. You can have that even though it's probably made in a factory in Burton. It probably is made in the Midlands. But you don't need to know that.

I don't need to know I'm sucking my dad off. I'm not reading the label. I'm not reading the label. Yeah? I'm just enjoying the cock because I'm all the stag day. Um, Christ, we're talking about oustilits. All right. We're going to have to do 11 episodes.

Yeah. Anyway, so, uh, Napoleon. The researchers, the researchers head is in her hands. I was a message you at 10pm last night about this script out of the window. 10 minute riff on olive oil. So, do you like me? Do you think I'm a good boss? Really into get it.

Wake up, wake up. Yeah. Am I all right? Are we good? Midnight. Wake up, wake up. Is it reported? Are we good?

Do you like me? I'm cool? Are my fun? Am I fun to work with? What did you tell your mates about me? I see myself as more of an entertainer first and then a book. Oh, Christ. Right.

Napoleon has finalised a trap to lure the Russians into attacking him. Because, meanwhile, in the village of Ausselets at a big manor house okay the Austrian leader and the Russian guy they're like we've been running away too long we've got to fucking fight this country right so they decide they're going to do it yeah they're going to go for it

and but Napoleon has lured him into a master class of a trap because he has seeded the high ground of the Prattson Heights yeah which overlook this field just to explain what we're at in like sort of bumming terms

it's that Napoleon is chasing with the knob and the Russian ass. Do you remember when I talked about how how I have sex? I leave my pratton heights. Yes. Yes. So Napoleon is chasing after that target of the ass with his knob and then suddenly they decide we can't be ass men forever.

Cock must meet cock to see which We must dock. Yeah. So he turns around and now Alstallix is a docking situation. Well, who's forced he's going on to the throes? Well he they think it's in that but there's a whole fucking load of other cocks coming around the back to fuck up the ass. Okay.

So. And then he's stuck in the docking. He's docking and he's getting... He's a nightmare. It's basically a human centipede. Napoleon's a genius, right? Why? He just was.

All right. He just was. He just was. He was business. So stop talking about Eiffel towering, Phoebe. Right? Just brought that 15 times. Keep trying to manifest it happening.

Honest to God. Right. So, um, now Napoleon has deliberately weakened his right flank. He's amassed his troops at the bottom of this hill, this sort of sloping field rather, but he's left the right very, very, very light. And because, and he's also given them the high ground,

but what he's done is he's hidden a lot of infantry troops in the valley below the heights, but thankfully on the morning of the 2nd December, there's a big mist, right? So they're even more concealed than they would have been. Now, the Russians think brilliant, and they move a lot of their forces off the heights down towards the south, okay?

towards the infantry that were kind of massed towards the village of Austilitz. Now they are able to hold the line because there are people from Vienna that are joining them shortly. So they're actually not as exposed as they look like they are at the start of the battle.

So beyond that map, you've got Vienna down there, which Napoleon's just taken and he sends more forces up there. At the moment, the setting up, it still kind of looks like two lines looking at each other. So you've got the red is the Austrian

and Russian allies and the blue is Napoleon. Now you'll see the south of the map. Where are the hidden forces? in this. So basically his centre, you see those double columns there, those are hidden,

right, in the valley and the two blue lines by that lake, that's the village. So the Russian are the small dots on the far right is his weak,

fake, weak flank. Yeah, exactly. Right. So he's going down that way. They're going down that way and all the red squares are on the Pratton Heights there, right?

So they go down and they basically abandoned the heights and then about eight... Which is the high ground, which is the... Yeah, about 8am, 9 a.m. Suddenly the sun pierces

through the mist and this huge French infantry column charges up the heights and the Russians say they genuinely came out of nowhere. It came out of thin blue air. We didn't see them before and they storm the heights and they storm the center. They take the high ground very quickly and then suddenly cavalry charges at the from the side because to refer to myself earlier to footnote myself

To quote myself. Again, because cavalry is most effective against an infantry that is not prepared for it, it's an absolute bloodbath. Not only that, okay, I'll fast forward a bunch of it. It's punched someone in the stomach before they've tensed. Yes, it is, right? Then the Allied army is split in two, his signature move. He bust a pussy open, right?

That's Napoleon's signature move. Cavalry bond a shoulder. Yeah. don't let her have time to form a defensive square yeah cavalry pon shoulder because then then there's all the complete bloodbath the Russians realize they've been tricked

they start fleeing and then Napoleon takes the covers off his artillery yes right I'm breaking up I'm so hard right now and the artillery start fucking firing at them as the Russians are running across what they now realize is a frozen lake so they're basically on

well, they're on ice. And it's probably the best scene in Ridley Scott's Napoleon, I think. Easly the best scene. Cannonballs are shattering into the ice and horses and Russian men are just tumbling into the ice, drowning.

Cannonballs are smashing horses to shit. It's an absolute bloodline and sinker. It is a route. And by the end of the day, Napoleon has pulled off one of the ultimate tactical master classes in warfare history. Did he have less troops? Way less troops. Yeah. Completely outnumbered.

And he deliberately, it's a bit like someone playing a left-footed right-back and like trying to get you to attack down that side so that you can then go behind them by overloading that way. Maybe, I don't know. That tracks.

So Napoleon wins. Yes, Napoleon wins. That was real audio from Napoleon's Bivouac after the victory of Alconaum. football is back. Every game, every weekend, Draft King's Sportsbook has you covered. Every snap matters. Every comeback can shift the game and every fourth quarter moment can change

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Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know the same way you can skip an ad? I get it. I'm Siaia and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll.

So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. Two hikers in the Alps found a body melting in the ice. They assumed a fallen climber. What they'd actually found was a 5,000-year-old murder victim. Welcome to Buried Evidence. Join archaeologist Professor Raksha Dave and me, historian Rebecca Radeal as we dig up some fascinating true crime through history.

Launching on Friday the 4th of September, you can find buried evidence wherever you watch or listen to your podcasts. Subscribe at thecrimesdisc.com and get episodes a week before anyone else. And so the lakes, the satchen and munitz ponds, when the ice broke and the lakes were drained, it's nice to break the ice. Yeah, not in this case. They found about 150 dead horses and only two or three human bodies because Napoleon had yet again claimed that thousands of men and their horses had drowned when the ice broke. This is like one of your icebreakers.

Yeah, a conversation. This is my icebreaker. Yeah, 150 horses died. Hello, nice to meet you. So how much do you know about owslips? I know everything. I'm going to talk to you about it now. It's like one of scissors, right?

artillery infantry. Yeah, yeah. So French forces capture everything. The coalition army collapses

straight away. This victory essentially spells the end for Pitt the younger. He has to resign because the coalition Yeah,

he resigns now because the coalition collapses. I thought he'd done such a good job. No. Well, well, he comes,

does he come back or is this his second time? This is a second term. No, no, he dies shortly after this. He dies in 1806. Oh, sadness.

No. He was, he had Gower. think. No, he... Oh, he dies in office. Dyes in office. Oh, fair enough.

Okay. I was wrong. Do you believe that you could die of a broken heart? Do you think that is when people die immediately after their partner? I think that's what happened

about Aasterlix. Just coincidentally, it wasn't actually... People think it was the... Cannons and stuff. Yeah, it was actually spontaneous... Sorry, I should have said,

there's artillery, infantry cavalry, and then there's just broken hearts. And if you can make people really sad, that's another up in your arsenal. We don't know if they died from the cold

or the broken heart. But William Pitt, the younger, he had gout, but to cure it, he used to drink port, which is, I think that's the opposite of the cure. That's what Sandro's dirt. Sandro, you're a friend of the pod. Trying to out drink pot, gout.

What I drink in a day, he obviously, well, he takes his gout tablets. Yes. And there's a lot of very funny comments of, you know, in Game of Thrones where John Snow's up against all those horses. And he's just hold of, that's one of his gout tablets up against 50 pines. Just completely outnumbered.

He died from a severe peptic, ulcer, which and the physical toll of leading Britain through the Napoleonic wars and heavy pork consumption. So after Austerlitz, Napoleon has won an insane victory. Austria shattered. Russia retreats eastwards. And this also, shockingly, is the end of the Holy Roman Empire.

The first right crumbles. It sort of goes out with a whim because it's like, it was sort of always made up. Yes, it was all. And now it's like, it's sort of like the Amtram production. It's like, what is this even? Yeah, what is this? Yeah.

In 1806, okay, while this is happening, while he's cooking in Central Europe, Napoleon is also desperate to have a child because, to return to his personal life, his sort of, what would you say, his charcoal-mouthed milth of a wife had a kid already with someone else, but is a bit over the hill, two kids, but he's over the hill, to put it, right? So he is desperate to have an heir because he's emperor and he realizes he's essentially a king. After all that, with the revolution, they've just got the king again. So he becomes determined to prove that it's not his fault. It's Josephine's. So, as Henry VIII did, he sleeps with an 18-year-old virgin. You got a... A woo named Eleanor.

And then quite quickly, Eleanor gives birth to a son called Leon. So he was right. It's Josephine's fault. So Napoleon is ecstatic because his sperm works. Right. So it's not his fault. Now, we get to the continental system. Yes.

Right. Ladies, what are you still doing in here? Yeah. You shouldn't be looking right behind this curtain. Yeah. Now, Napoleon cannot defeat Britain. We've established that. Yeah, because Nelson's 9-11 in Montefaragua, right?

So, he divides, he thinks, well, the only way we can stop, these coalitions keep popping up. So, whack-a-mole. From Napoleon's perspective, it's whack-a-mole. So he goes, we've got to, we've got to stop, we've got to bankrupt Britain so that they can't bank roll the rest of Europe. Because they've got the Navy and their trade is their big two. strength, Britain.

He calls them a nation of shopkeepers famously, because this is like the birth of modern retail is sort of happening in London around this time. Well, the Regency A, like Oxford Street, everything like that. Really? Yeah, like a polite and commercial people is what was the kind of England's view of itself. But also I think a nation of shopkeepers

is actually sort of like a, you know, it's more the passive aggressive. Yeah, yeah, he's lagging it. Yeah, well, I feel that. He's basically saying that. But I think he's got us down to a tea. Yeah, he's basically saying that you guys aren't warriors. Oh, you look, can I help you?

Are you looking for something particular? Can I help you? That guy. That's us, isn't it? Yeah. Tickets, please. Because we're not having any war on our land. We're just selling stuff on Oxford Street.

It's just daily sports and stuff. Yeah. So his aim is to cripple Britain economically by banning European trade with it. So he basically orders all his allies and his defeated opponents to stop trading with Britain. Most people do. however smuggling goes through the roof but there is one country that refuses to join

Napoleon's continental system which is essentially like the EU and that telegraph article the EU is Napoleon's continental system in disguise that is Britain's oldest ally in fact the oldest alliance in the world

ever ever yeah since the 1200 I believe. Our old friends. Oh, 1,300. Portugal. Our old, our very old friend. Very, the oldest friends.

There are no two older friends in the world than Britain and Portugal. In the world. Our best friends in the world. Yeah, it's funny because I guess we're both Atlantic powers that have been on the edge of Europe. So I guess there's, sort of looking in, don't really feel like we're part of it. But then we connect over that. Yeah, because we're like, I'm like, we're looking at France. Like, that's not me.

And they're like, and they're looking at Spain like, well, that's not me. We like fish. Yeah, we eat fish and it's wind. Fish and chips, bit windy. Okay, Scott. We've got sleepy, smelly neighbours. You know, we get on. Yeah.

So, the Anglo-Portuguese alliance has added back to the 14th century, but Portugal carried on trading with British merchants. So, in 1807, right, this is Napoleon's in his pomp. He's also, just because people will be ham-acturing, he's defeated the Prussians

at Yenna and Ahrstadt in a day, but we can't get into that, given how long it took us to get through Alstel is. The Continental system is his only real attempt, The only thing he can really do to defeat Britain, and to maintain it is where his downfall will come from, basically. It's such a hard thing to maintain. Yes.

Because if anyone breaks it, he then has to march 100,000 people to beat the shit out of them. Yes. So, like, Portugal, fuck up, fuck it. And then Russia. Then he has to go back and forth. To bollock anyone who saw that line. So Friends troops under General Jean-Jean,

Jouno, who is one of the maddest cunts alive at the time. How so? Juno is one of his closest friends, one of his most trusted general. He ends up suffering severe mental decline because of head wounds, alcoholism and an opium addiction.

He's a governor in the Pannononic Italy and he greets guests at a big ball wearing only a hat gloves and his medals. When you say only? Yeah. Wow, okay, fair enough. Yeah. So Todd are out.

I know this day and that's a bit, that's a bit much of this day age. He's got his artillery out. He meets his, he will meet his head. He will meet his. end in 18, I think 13, when he gets really drunk and he self-defenestrates.

Really? And then he breaks both his legs and then he thinks, he wants to amputate these. Is he still just wearing a hat and a medal? Yeah, and then he just has a go amputating him and then he dies of septuess like a week later. Wow. It's one of the best ends actually. It's Franz Reichael, but he lives and then he tries to amputate himself and he fucks that and he dies from infection. Yeah, it's a lot of male confidence there that's got into all that.

He mutilated himself with scissors when left alone. Dies days later, 1813. Say his name, friend of the pod. Charlie really didn't like that. Charlie really didn't like that. Self-devenistration. That's one of the... That's a sort of second or third appearance

for the concept of self-defense. So in 1807, long before he self-defendants, Juno invades Portugal. Okay. Now, as French troops enter Lisbon, the entire Portuguese civil service and court, they just all get on the ship and fuck off to Brazil. Right?

Yeah. They're Hitlering it in Brazil before the war is their India. It's their main colony. Yeah. So they all go and have a lovely time on the beach. Well, Brazil actually, Brazil and Portugal's relationship was similar to like the United States and Britain, sort of like a big colony in the new world that eventually becomes a bigger power.

Yeah. Then it's original. The bums are bigger. Yeah. Yeah. So Juno ends up capturing Lisbon without having to fight anyone in November 1807. However, what Napoleon is not bargained for is another British. fucking hero.

Right. So Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington. Say his name, friend of the pod. Okay. Now, Wellington is, I, I, I, I think I prefer Wellington to Nelson. Okay. Because I relate more to Wellington. Right.

Than Nelson. Right. I think Nelson is such an outlier in, in world history. Okay. Because of his bravery and his kind of suicidal bravery. Yeah. is Jack Arsian bravery. He's a Jack Arsian figure.

Wellington is not a Jack Arsian figure. No. Wellington is essentially Monty before Monty. Yes. Wellington is probably the most successful... A lot of the great British land generals, it's just stubbornness above all else. It's not guile, it's just stubborn.

Wellington is perhaps the snobbiest man that's ever lived. Right? He is born into aristocracy, part of him's Irish, which he hates. Yeah. he hates the sound of his own soldiers accents. Right. He calls his own troops, quote, the scum of the earth. Right?

So when you're thinking about like motivating men? Napoleon being like the mental health thing and like him sitting down. He's the opposite of Napoleon sitting around the fire and like, you know. He would, he would basically, he would demand silver service now private French chefs while his, like, he's sort of scummy troops were eating rations. And the scum of the earth, though, aren't they? And then they'd be like, oh, actually. So Arthur, what are we doing today?

And he's like, fuck it, Elgar accent. Christ, learn to talk, man. Right, he was arrogant. He was prejudiced, and he believed in the ancient regime. So he hates the French because of the revolution. Right, right, right. So he's in staunch monarchist. This is a conservative man, to put it like that.

This is an arch conservative man. This is one of the few times that we use the phrase, arched conservative. Right. You don't really get those anymore. So he arches his back during sex? No, yeah. He is someone.

who is staunchly defending the idea of limiting suffrage to the wealthy elite. So he's like, no, no, voting rights, absolutely not. That's a fire sale. This is like conservatives against female suffrage, arch conservatives against people with bad accents. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's real. Only posh blocs.

Yeah. That's the conservatism that I aspire to. I think it's awesome. You know, builders come around. The Lord's members voters only, basically. Yeah, MCC members. They have the vote. that's it. I mean, that's insane, you know. People are like, you're worrying about,

oh, I've got a build around. Should I lower my accent to make a cup of tea? I'm saying, I don't think you should vote, mate. I think you're scum of the earth. I think you're scum of the earth, but I'm going to employ you anyway. So, officers at the time could pay for a higher rank. And he thinks, he's allergic to meritocracy. So he thinks that that should just continue. Right. Well, I pay for it, so I should be it. Right. Okay. He had made his name fighting against the Marat. Mara. He's a true believer in monging as a concept. Yes, he is.

Did we talk about that on the patron? We might have. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, clivocular who obviously popularised the idea of mogging and you believe you can mug

in many different ways. My favourite mog is the spawnmog, which is when he's talked about people growing up with either white privilege, middle class privilege, growing up with wealth or anything, is actually you should view it as basically you got spawnmogged.

Don't be jealous because you got spawned mugged. Yeah. That's just the way the game is. It's just spawning. You're just spawning in a bad place. You got sporned. You know? It's just, there's such a great idea

because it's just, I like the idea, just, oh, fuck. Oh, shit. You look at your mum. Oh, fuck it hell. Single mum in fucking Scunthor. Right. It's been spawned mobbed again. It's like in a video game where you're just spore and you're just like embedded in a war.

And you're like, I can't even kill myself to re-spawn again. So, Wellington had made his name fighting against the Maratas in India. Yes. In the late 18th century. Did he win the Battle of Plassie, which is like the big... battle of that whole campaign. Maybe. This is in the battle of Assay,

assay in 1803, outnumbered 5 to 1, but he launches an audacious attack across a river that he didn't actually know existed until he crossed it. He just guessed from the layout of the villages and he shatters the marata forces conclusively winning the conflict.

Anyway, so Wellington invades Portugal in 1808, in August 1808. He, defeats the French twice. That is the first time that the British army had beaten Napoleon on land. And yet he is betrayed by a meddling bureaucracy

in that there are two superiors called what they called Burrard and Dalrymple. Right. Yeah. So these are like even more snobby than Wellington because they're above him. Yeah. Right. So they don't even think So everyone's looking down their nose at their inferiors. And Wellington's got a massive nose.

Yeah, so it's the whole British army. It's just everyone's looking down. It gets, the glasses get further down the nose as you go up the ranks. So the general of the army is just lying down like that. It's my dad looking at an iPhone. That's field marshal in charge for the army. So Wellington had defeated whatever his name was, the madcon, in at Vimiero in August. But these two commanders, right, they say, okay, we're going to sign the convention of Cintra,

which is rather than going on and routing the forces and actually getting them out of the Iberian Peninsula, for some reason, I don't understand this armistice at all. We're going to let the French take all their weapons and all the loot they've plundered, and we're going to escort them on Royal Navy ships back to France. But does that mean they leave Portugal, though? Yes. Right. But then they don't.

They come back in a year. Right. Because obviously they do because they've got all their guns. So this is like, this is cricket in an age of annihilation. Right. Burrard and Dilrymple didn't want to fight,

basically. No, they were cowardly. Whereas Wellington's like, let's fuck him up, I can do this. Because he's the only one that's just,

knows he can beat them on land. Because, I mean, we'll get into his tactics later on a series. He's a very arrogant man as well. He's a very arrogant man, but he's right to be. He was born and he was spawnwogging people, you know?

So, um, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's pretty livid about that. as well. So this means that the French evacuate Portugal on British ships and the government

at home are absolutely outraged. They go, what the fuck are you doing? This is crazy. So Wellington is withdrawn from command because 21,000 French troops are evacuated back to France and there's an official inquiry, right, going on. Meanwhile, he is, so he used to go back to England to defend himself. Meanwhile, why? Because he broke the... Because there's the outrage in the government about this convention because it was his forces. even though he was superseded by these two guys with the notes. Right. So meanwhile...

It's funny, we do love an inquiry even at this stage. Get an inquiry going. Take our main general out of the front line, ask him some questions, okay? This isn't happening with other countries. There's not all these inquiries... No, no, these inquiries. Inquiries mid-war. Yeah.

Can we just pause the fighting to work out what's going on here and who's responsible? Yeah. So, meanwhile, in Spain, Spain had been France's ally, okay? however the French start to the French occupy it because the French it's allied during Trafalgar right

yes they have been I don't know when the French occupy it but they start fighting the Spanish and this is what this becomes the peninsular war they basically at some point

Napoleon replaces Napoleon treats as if it's territory and that he's yeah and at some point he replaces the king with his brother Joseph which is nepotism which I would say

You'd think so. Yeah, you'd think that. And so he triggers this massive rebellion, which is where we are introduced to guerrillas. Yes. This is the start of guerrillas. Spain did not fight Napoleon. Well, they did fight it on armies,

but also they introduced not guerrillas, not Harambe. Charlie. I play for a football team called Arambe. So Spain have these farmers, priests, shepherds, former soldiers who are just sort of roving the Spanish countryside in bands and they ambushed messages,

they murder, isolated troops. And this is a lot of sharp, which we'll be talking about the patron. There's a lot of this. Oh, the hill and far away. King George commands and we obey. Through Flanders, Portugal and Spain. Sorry, you hit my sharp button. I'm rock.

hard. Right. It's why I've had to wear my gunned forward cord suit. Yeah. We'll be talking about Sharp on the Patreon. Sharp is set during the Peninsula War. Right.

So, a French officer lamented every bush conceals an enemy. I know, I know what you mean, brother. There were growlers lurking in those bushes.

Right? That's a sexually repressed man. That's a man who's not honest about his sexuality for sure. The vagina's the enemy. You just don't know what's going on in there. Yeah. It's like two soldiers meeting in the dark for the code word.

Penis, penis, few. Now, the Spanish guerridos are particularly brutal. So they have pretty creative methods of execution. Right. Well, they're surrealists, aren't they? Well, yes, this is the long road to Dali. Being like, oh, random. So in 1808, a French general and his staff are captured,

stripped naked, and then dropped into vats of boy. oil. Yeah, I guess it's less surreal. Other French guys get sawn in half between two planks of wood and buried up to their necks in dirt near antills. Right. Spanish grill. They find nasty. Nasty, dirty.

Right, dirty. There are also reports of corpse puppetry. Puppetry of the corpse. I am a fan of corpse puppetry. In fact, I'll go as far as to say it's the only puppetry I would pay to watch. The Edinburgh Fringe would be a much more amenable experience if corpse puppetry. if clowns were killed and used as quad. Yeah, I would like to kill clowns

and you move them as puppets, right? So they decorated road sides with mutilated bodies to scare the locals. Right, that's what the French did. So what the guerrillas do was they captured a French sentry, strangled him, rigged his corpse up against a wall with his musket propped in his arms,

and then a French patrol see it and then spent 10 minutes shooting the dead guy. Yeah. Pretty awesome. Yeah. Which gives away the position, which means the Spaniards can ambush them. Yeah.

Do you see what I mean? Rock paper scissors in the Napoleonic warfare. basically it's back France having a bad time Spanish ulcer sort of stuff this is where we get the phrase Spanish ulcer um so Napoleon uh in 1808

he personally intervenes uh and invade Spain uh with 200,000 troops well-trained troops uh what is impressive about Napoleon is that every his yeah this is the constant point that tactically a genius strategically kind of stupid in many ways

He keeps making mistakes on the grand scale. But the way that whenever he comes in to clean up his own mess, if it's on the battlefield, he does just manage to win. He always does. Even when it's like he's fucked it so many times, as soon as it's on the battlefield, he can still pull it off. Which is why I think he doesn't know when to stop. Yeah.

Which is, because we're kind of... Like Charlie eating breakfast. It is. Stop before you get to the fish cake. That would be my... I'd say boiling a whole bag of broccoli. Yeah. Tender stem.

Basically, there's a big disaster. are a place called Ballien, which we don't have time to go into, but that enrages Napoleon. He then smashes Spanish armies and he enters Madrid in triumph. Now, this is where, so it, meanwhile,

Wellington's back doing an inquiry in Britain, in London, of course, you have to have an inquiry, okay? So there's, then... With even snootia people who are up in glory. Yeah, no, they're actually bent all the way back. Their head is going through their ass

with their glasses on their chin, being like, so, Sir John Moore, who I think maybe the same John Moore who holds the record for the amount of rounds per minute fired from a musket, which is five

because if you, I mean, you watch Sharp last night, right? Takes a while. So he marches 30,000 troops out to Portugal, which Britain controls at this point, into Spain to try and link up the Spanish armies and strike the French. But he gets confronted by Napoleon

and his huge army, so he realizes they're going to be, they're going to be swallowed. So what, I didn't realize this, What happens now is essentially like Dunkirk on steroids. He has, on Christmas Day, right, he starts a 250 mile retreat through the Galician Desert in freezing conditions to get to the port of Karunya where the British Navy are meant to pick him up. So this retreat is sort of legendary in red coat tails because discipline completely deteriorates. Soldiers are looting, drinking wine, abandoning equipment. Somehow more keeps the force moving.

Right. Right. So it's a rabble. It is. is they eventually get to Karunya however the winds are bad and so the ships aren't there so they

basically the French catch up with them and they then build a big redoubt gentleman prosto-chek yeah Rorchrift yes this is this is all Rorckstiff stuff they fight off the French

at Karunya long enough to evacuate by sea but the battle is so intense that while he's fighting to John Moore gets a French cannonball that basically rips open his chest cavity and exposing his lungs. So he's basically, his whole chest is open, his lungs are there,

and then he calmly looks down and then says, I hope the people of England will be satisfied. Absolute hero. He remains conscious. Doctors are asked you to help him. He's going, no, I'll see this one off, I reckon. Yeah.

I think I know what's wrong with me, actually. I don't think I'll need to see you. No. As he was carried away, his sword hilt becomes entangled in his entrance. trails. Nare. He died and excruciating death. That's a man who's pretending he's okay. Yeah. Just still got his sword hilt, even around his entrails. I don't think, I don't think it's ever been a man that's more toxicly refusing help with his own health. He calmly insist

you keep the sword hilt. No, it's okay. Sword hilt. Keep that at tangled in my entrail. No, keep it there. Getting rid of it's going to cause me more pain. Yeah. He dies probably the worst. It's going to hurt you doing it more than it hurt me. I'm fine, actually. No, no, no, no. Leave me be. I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll work the same. out. So, Sir John Moore, his chest has blown, his chest blown out. Of course his chest blown out.

Got his chest blown out. But the British, the British expositionary force, the BEF. The B.E.F. genuinely, it's the exact same story. They get back to land. And that's 6,000 troops that, you know, we have fuck all at this point. Because really, it's in the Peninsula War that the British Army actually get good. Yeah.

Because Sir Arthur Wellesley, right, who is not yet the Duke of Wellington returns from the inquiry having been exonerated. And is there ever a more powerful British man than a man who's just been exonerated at the inquiry? You should fear the British man whose name has been cleared by an inquiry.

My God, what he will do to Napoleon's forces in the Iberian Peninsula with all the power of exoneration, you know, because he knows deep in his soul at inquiry is exonerated him There's no greater sense of confident. It's like when you've just done a speed awareness course. You're like, well, I'm right.

I'm not getting caught speed. And you go, fuck it. I'm not getting caught again. I've been exonerated. I know exactly how to drive now. So, Wellington, we leave him in Portugal. Now, we will return to the Iberian Peninsula because this war drags on for a long time.

But before we do, we must head east. because Napoleon is at arguably the height of his powers. Operation Baguetta Rosser. I can't end the episode on that. Begetta Rosser. Baggetta Rosser. Fuck. Bumpfirk.

Bumpfirk. It's a real bumfirk moment. Operation Bagueterosa. Napoleon will invade Russia and the tide will invade Russia and the tide will begin. to turn. Now that episode is already on our Patreon along with the entirety of this Napoleonic War series where we return to Wellington,

Waterloo, all the good stuff. Three pounds a month. You know how to sign up. Sorry. What was that? Is that the fish cake coming back up? What was that? That was grown, man grown. Why? That wasn't you? No. Oh, I thought that was you.

Right. So, thanks. That's been Alstelitz and the Siberian Wars. See you next time for the continuation of our epic series. Goodbye for now. Goodbye.