Fin vs History - Not All Roman Emperors Are Visible | Claudius (Part 1)

Episode Date: June 22, 2026

Nobody Suspects The Disabled Emperor! Claudius (Part One)   The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor  This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh Chapters: 00:00 - Lights Out, Night Night 04:35 - Iraqus  10:44 - The First Phrenology 15:05 - Fuckus! 18:56 - He’s Clapped 22:36 - Grow Up! 29:39 - Eamonn Holmes  33:41 - Stephen Hornkins 37:14 - Ben Dover 46:13 - Woofus  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus History, joining me as Horatio Gould. I'm the Emperor. Today we're talking about Claudius. We're back in ancient Rome. These have been some of my favorite episodes. Yes. We're going back to the ancient world, but these are very much the lily pads in which you feel safe, right?

I love the Roman emperors. It's the only place that you feel you can, it's the wall of the ice rink which you can hold onto in the ancient world. Yes. It's the only place where I get to explore the ancient world where you're not half asleep or purposely nose dive in the podcast. I don't think that's fair.

I think I found a prehistoric statue of a guy doing a Hitler salute. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That got me through that episode. Yeah, yeah, you're very much. We're talking about Claudius today. And we're also sorry, we're dressed as the sofa today.

We're dressed as the sofa. And before anyone comments, I'm aware that there will be a lot of gunt on show in this episode. You're a gun buncher. My gun is bunching in this suit. There's a lot of material in it. I'm essentially dressed as a court,

Roy Curtin. and I apologise to any ladies watching but my gunned is punched but it sort of looks like we're like kind of hit men who are trying to hide in the sofa in the sofa like we're trying to

we're dressed up as one of the cushions I mean I'm dressed as the sofa cushion you're dressed as the wall we're assassins at a Nigerian wedding we're going to what are they wearing we're going to have to dress as they do yes I do for anyone looking I've got a lot of room in the fooper

my pussy air is not as fat as it looks in this suit but we digress we need to talk about Claudius okay so we have previously we've talked about Nero who is the emperor after Claudius and we've talked about Caligula probably our wildest episode I'd say was Caligula

and this sort of this episode will be a kind of sequel where are we let's just so this is the emperor Claudius is between Caligula and Nero it's betwixt the man Mad cunts basically. Yes.

Caligula and Nero are by words for tyranny. But Claudius is kind of the hipsters choice. I think so. He's my favorite emperor we've looked at so far. I think it's a very interesting story. It doesn't follow the normal narratives. Because a lot of Roman emperors, they're either like Chad's or they're just mental.

Yes. With no real light and shade. It's just I marry my haught. It's just a zany. Well, I'll fuck you then. Yeah, I fucked everyone's wives. I burn it all down. There's not really any sort of nuance there.

It's just full throttle, I'm mental. But Claudius has a lot, his whole life story is very, it's kind of the most interesting character. It's a very unique story actually. I'd say so. Of any ruler, really. But we ended the last episode with Caligula. Now, Caligula had been a promising early leader.

He had been raised on Tiberius, who was Epstein, Epstein. Yes. Epstein's Ireland. So it's not been a great, yeah, the track record so far for Epi. No, it goes Blair, paedophile, mad cun. Claudius Madcunt. Yes. And Collegular had been assassinated by his Praetorian Guard.

He'd been a promising ruler, but then he'd had a stroke, and the stroke had pushed down on the paedophile bit of his brain and the foreign accent syndrome. Yeah. So he'd gone to sleep a Caligula. He'd woken up a Carrigaura. Yes, yes. He was then assassinated by his Praetorian Guard.

Because he was a fast bowling babies against the wall? No, they then took his baby, and they Cambodian cricketed it into a wall. Sorry. Yeah. So, yeah, it's the long road to Pol Potpaw, bowling babies against trees in Cambodia. They took Culligula's son. They killed his wife and they take his son and they play squash with it, I think, was the term you used. They chucked it as a baby, lights out night night.

But hiding behind the curtain in the corridor where Culligula was assassinated. Quivering. Quivering. Druling. Was a disabled man with Tourette's who would go on to inherit the Roman Empire. against all the odds. But who is this man? How did we end up here?

How did we get here? You're probably wondering, you're probably wondering how I got here. That's how Claudius would say. So Claudius is discovered, quivering underneath the curtain. A coward. A coward.

And I love a coward. Historically, there's something brilliant. Heroes write most of history. True. But it's nice when you see a true quivering coward. There's something inherently funny about someone who's truly cowardly. Yes. And that he then goes on to become emperor in a world of, you know, as a chads.

I mean, as you know. It's not very woke time. As you've said, part of the reason I like the Roman emperors is incredibly binary, masculine, fascistic time. Yes. Men with big chins and broad chests chucking babies against walls. Yeah, it could be like as far from woke as you can sort of get. the Roman era, there's none of,

the idea of social justice is just so far. It's about how many barbarians have you suppressed. Yes. You know, any form of weakness is seen as its weakness. I tell you what is quite woke is because only the Praetorian guards are allowed to have a sword in the city of Rome. Yes. That's quite woke. Sure.

That's like in American, I go, I can't have, well, I mean I can't take it to a school. That's red tape, for sure. It definitely is. You know, they don't have an open carry policy in Rome. Yeah. So, again, let's just refresh the Roman Emperor timeline Julius Caesar crosses the Rubicon at some point

then Augustus, Blair, the Titan he is the sort of he becomes a god He adopts an old man, Tiberius Who then becomes a paedophile On an island in Capri Now living on, growing up on this island is Caligula When Caligula is assassinated Claudius is discovered behind the curtain quivering

Now he is born Claudius on August 1st 10 BC and like any Roman emperor or Brazilian footballer he has too many names and they're also all the names of other people in this story so I'm not actually going to say what his name is because he's just going to confuse

us. They all have each other's name. It's going to be Horatio called Charlie Milner, Finn Taylor that would be my name. Horatia. It's too much. Anyway, so he's born in modern day Leon Lugdenum

and he is the first emperor to be born outside of Italy. Now his blue blood in terms of Roman stock. Yes. His, he, the Julio Claudian line. Which is very important. Ladies.

Yeah. How many times must I warn you? You're not welcome here. Yeah. Okay. Wear two pairs of pants if you're tuning in. Yeah. We're discussing the Julio Claudian line.

His father is Nero Claudius Drusus. His parents, Olivia Drusilla, who is married to Augustus. And Tiberius Claudius Nero. Now that is the last three emperors, but that's none of them. Okay, so that's like Rabinio being called Rinaldeino Ronaldo Rivaldo. Yeah. He's nothing to do with that. Or Kea Starmer called Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, David Cameron.

Yes. Forget all of them. His mother is Antonia the Younger, and her parents are Octavia the younger, who's Augustus's sister. Right. And Mark Antony. Right. So the Julian-Claudian line, because it went for a republic to an emperor,

it's about trying to trace it back to either Julius Caesar or, more importantly, Augustus. Yes. Who was such a successful ruler. He calmed everything down. And it's basically all of these emperors are trying to state their claim to going back to Augustus. It's the opposite of Tony Blair, who was as successful, but everyone's trying to distance themselves from him. So it's like, how much stock have you got on the Labour Party? Well, how close were you to blame?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Claudius is a descendant of Julius Caesar through the Julian line, which is very important. Now, he has two older siblings. One of them is Germanicus, who is Caligula's dad. Germanicus is the popular general hero. He had a lot of success in Germany. Yes. The name.

Germanicus. So Tony Blair would, if he'd been successful, would be called Arachicus? No, he'd be called Kosovo. Cosovus. It'd be called Sierra Leoneus and all nardons. That's Tony Blair, okay? We must not just judge him by Iraqis. Yes.

Okay. You know, Germanicus is not called, I don't know, fucking Gawlius. Yes. Right? Yeah. Because he's defined by his successes. For sure. Personally, I see Tony Blair as Kosovo, Sierra Lunas, Northern Irelanders.

Yeah. Short starters. Yeah. Minimum wages. Civil unionists. Okay? There's lots of us in Tony Blair's name. That's not Iraqis.

Universities. Positius. Polytechnicus. Yeah? He did a lot. He did a lot. Anyway, whereas Cameron is Brexitas.

Sure. Yeah. Brexistus is serious. He's also gay marriages. Gay marriages. Which often doesn't get credited, but he's actually I'd call him gay marriages. Well,

I'd call him Brexit as gay marriages. And then John Major is Sodomis. Sodomis. He legalized Sodomby. He did. We must never forget. The rot begins with Major. Okay.

The fucking barn doors flew off when Major legalized. Did he, no, he decriminalized it. Decriminalized, I think. It's very late, isn't it? Yeah. In the 90s. So is it like you're not allowed to deal sodomy, but you're allowed to partake? You can do it in your own home.

But you can't be a sodomite dealer. No. You can't be buggering someone in a public car park. What's a buggery? Is that, that's public sodomy, isn't it? Yeah. Charlie, could you just find out the legal definitions of buggery, sodomy and then just homosexuality?

All I know is that any. privately educated man of a certain age has been buggered. Any, um, buggery is a specialised British English word that refers to anal sex and sometimes other non-procreative sexual acts. Now that's it. I remember Joa McNally, when she came on saying that buggery is technically cunolingus, which is very funny. Mm.

Just to walk in on a man and going down, stop that buggery now. What are you doing? Wash your mouth out, you bugger. Um, yes. Claudius is his dad as Germanicus who is Caligula's dad

Corricular Sorry, his brother is Germanicus whose dad is whose son is Caligula. Now, Corrigerah

Yeah. If you've not heard that episode maybe maybe listen to that one first. He is the emperor and so he then

goes on this huge killing spree where he sort of purges any potential rival but Claudius is never purged and why is that?

At some point in Claudius' early childhood he becomes very ill and we don't really know historians are trying to work out what the modern day equivalent of this would be but his symptoms are partially deaf a stutter, a limp and a constantly running nose

and drooling at the time. He also laughed inappropriately while drawing. Basically if he was born now he would have a Channel 4 series. Oh, even the commissioner of Channel 4. But this is a very, very different time. And the view of disability is the opposite of the view of disability now.

I disagree. I think it's actually quite a sophisticated understanding of disability because... I didn't say it wasn't sophisticated, so it's the opposite of that. No, I disagree. Okay. Because essentially, when you then find out that he wrote several books, he's clearly not mentally disabled. He just looks clapped. He's just a bit of a nerd.

Right. Nowadays, I would say we're getting very close to a stage where nerds are identifying as disabled in that if you let that autism if you sort of plow that furrow too far you will just push through to just people who are just a bit nerdy. If you broaden the autism spectrum so much,

as you've often talked about how you prefer a disability that's binary. Yeah, traffic. Traffic like system. What is it again? Green, normal, yellow, bit odd, Red Down syndrome. Perfect. I know where I stand. I know where I stand. Green, yellow, red. Yeah, exactly. We've got the full traffic light system here on Finn versus History.

Okay. Now, exactly. Under the 2010 Act, right? Under the 2010 Disability Act, dyslexia as a disability. Well, I've got dyspraxia, so I'm disabled. Yes. Well, this is... I'm a modern-day Claudius. But this is my point is that in the 90s, you were not disabled. You were just wobbly, right? Yes. In the 90s, you didn't have ADHD, you were just late. But then how is that similar to now? Because back then they call him disabled when actually he's not. He's just a bit, oh, they, it's not, yeah, but being called disabled now is a benefit in a way.

Because that's like a, there's a bit of status there. There's no status to be being disabled back then is what I'm trying to say. I agree with that. The categorization, yeah, maybe they call it disabled. But if you're called disabled, it means that publicly, not only are you unversely, virtuous. You're saying this

are different to now? They didn't you know you didn't get like a free tablet They just

anything that reminds them of any sort of weakness yes means that you're openly allowed to be mocked

and not only that what I enjoy about this period is physical disabilities that you can't help were viewed as moral failings

exactly it's early phrenology it's the long road to phrenology is your head is too big to have a job here

yes you can't work here you can't come on any respect because of the size of your forehead whereas now it's reverse phrenology,

where it's like, your head's too big to work here. Do you want to be the boss? Oh my God. You've just crystallised what my problem with today is, is that it is reverse phrenology. It's taking everything

that we work so hard for and flipping it and inverting science. Yeah. You'd be terrible for this. Do you want it? Yeah. Yeah. Have it.

You're clearly awful. Have the company. My point is, is that they actually, I suppose they're, you know, I grew up in a world where disability had quite a high threshold. And that threshold has been lowered as I've got older.

I see in the Roman age they had quite a wide net for what it. Basically, if you weren't ripped and tall, you were disabled. Which I feel like is the direction of travel. It's horseshoe, right? It's come back round. Yeah. But you're writing that the status is very different. You know, he was not getting a free laptop or a free stone.

or whatever. Basically, he has the impression that he's dim-witted and unfit for public life. Because to be fair, he's got a constantly running nose and he's drooling all the time.

And he limps. He limps. He's stroding and he laughs. Yeah, it's like Charlie when he just laughs out of no reason. And to be fair, if you are voting for someone from the public office and there's a guy who's got

really strong concerns about immigration, there's just a guy just constantly running nose. You can't even stop your nose running, let alone the boat. you know. What is it, Charlie? Is the equivalent to stolen valet

if you pretend you're disabled? Oh, look around. The equivalent is the year 2026. Okay? You just pop a sunflower land yard on

and park where you want. Park where you want. That's a disgrace. Fuck who you want. No, thank you. You can do that. I got the, look at the land yard.

Anyway, now, as you're saying, this is something that would not happen nowadays. Claudius's own mother. describes her son as quote, an abortion of a man that had only been begun but never finished by nature.

I mean, that's pretty robust from a mother. That's 90s stuff, you know? That's the era that I grew up in. That's what you're saying in the playground. An unfinished abortion. An abortion of a man. A monster.

A man who mother nature had begun work upon but then flung aside. Basically a Greek. Unfinished, yeah. A Greek guy. Yeah. Mother nature is Greek in this regard. not today.

Should I finish his brain? Nah, not today. Now, modern historians suggest that Claudius may have suffered from cerebral palsy. So it's like in Breaking Bad, what's his name? Yes, Waltz Jr. Autism

and or Tourette's. So I think I want to take autism out because we're, I feel that's like clouding the clouding it. I think it's probably if he's like, I mean Tourette's, fuck us fuck us

yeah fuck us cuntas yeah shit us pisses yeah you can't be cuntus

cuntus cuntus cuntus cussus cussus yeah it doesn't really fit in with the you can't be sitting in the Senate you know doing that yeah I suppose it's the long road to the BAFTAs isn't it

yeah um yeah autism I guess doesn't really yeah fits although he becomes he does have I'm saying that it seems like the least of his worries. Maybe in the Roman perspective, you know,

I mean, dribbling isn't really autistic, is it? No, he's too clearly ought of physical ailments as well. But also a constantly running nose. What is that? I don't know. What? Hay fever?

I don't know. Yeah, well, again, is that where we're going today? I'm not going to get a free laptop but having a hay fever. What's a constantly running nose? What's that part of? Lots of people have that, though.

Just allergies. Chronic rhinorrhea My mate had a brightonitis and he had to sleep with a tape on his mouth You've got so many mates You've got so many mates And they're all fucked in their own way Christ

You and the boys in the sunshine bus I don't know Chronically irritated nasal lining But you know It's similar to There's people you just can't vote for Because there's that old adage That you know

Most people The general public at large Actually are voting for whether they want to go for a pint with the person. Sure. You know. And that was trust as great problem. I want to skip pines.

Just get straight to the bed. They're not for someone who knows they want to blow. Yeah. It's like, I shouldn't be your carer. Yeah. You know. So, he's a young guy. He's pretty clapped.

But in 9 BC... That's early. Early. Early stuff. Nine BC. His dad... Do they ever say, like, guys, we've got to stop having this view of disability.

It's the year nine. I guess... Guys, come on. This is so backward. How are we still talking about this in the year nine? But it's not the year nine, it's nine BC. So they wouldn't call it that. Minus nine.

Hey? Minus nine. They wouldn't even know, but it was before Christ, you're right. Yeah. But when it's zero. Well, that's crying crisis for. Sorry, what do they call 9 BC and 9BC? That's an interesting question.

They would have just relied on a universal numbering system. Maybe years after ruling monarchs, local magistrates or major events. Okay, so it would be just like, just, like year two Caligula, year four, Caligula. No, it'd be like

the year of the horse. Right. So Drus, anyway, Drus dies and they're like, we've got to have a more, come on, you can't call him.

You can't use that word, you know? It's the year nine BC and he's just shank. Fuck us! Fuck us! Fuck us! You'll come on. You've got to accommodate him.

He doesn't mean it. You know, it's an involuntary tick. So his dad falls off a horse whilst in Germania and Claudius is a young but is an infant I think at this point and so care gets handed over to his mother

who fucking hates him can't stand him he's an abortion in her words I love how cruel the women are in ancient Rome as well yeah the women play a huge role in Rome and they seem to have a lot of power and they use that power for deeply dark reasons yes I think they

I think his name became a word for like a slur like Laudus became Claudius Right interesting Like Stephen Hawkinson. He is Stephenus Hawkingus. It was often weaponised to mock people with limited mobility or paralysis.

There you go. Brutal time. Yeah. It's like British TV in the 2000s basically. Yes, it is. Fat families. His grandmother, Livia, basically was so ashamed

by her grandson that she couldn't even look him in the fucking eye. So mum and double-tip-mom. Double-team-in-grandma. You don't have any, there's no one you're turning to. No, your emotional safe space is going, you are an abortion. And then you go to your granny, who's meant to,

Granny, that's granny. The grandmother, the non-a, Italian non-a. It's said that your grandma is the only person who truly wants you to do better than themselves in your whole life. True. But this granny says, this is a failed abortion. I pray aloud that the Roman people might be spared so cruel and undeserved a misfortune as to have him as their emperor. That's awesome. It's crazy.

Now, she says this. That's a good nan. She says this. I have a lot of empathy with this because that's my nan as well. Right. Would she like that about you? She's a cruel Presbyterian.

Yeah, she is. Now, she said this after there was this kind of the myth of the eagle. Right. So he's playing in the garden with his siblings and then these eagles start circling above them. And they're fighting in the air over like an injured wolf,

the cub. And then the cub falls from the eagles grasp into the arms of Claudius. Right. And that then an Oracle makes a prediction that he will become emperor. The wolf represents Romulus and Remus. Yeah. So similar to when a bride chucks the bouquet. Some eagles

chuck a wolf cub and a disabled guy gets a huh? Yeah. And then they're like, well, you're going to become the protector of Rome. So his grandma says, oh, that doesn't happen. He's fucking disabled. He's clapped. He's completely clapped. That cannot happen. The poor Roman people

do not deserve the misfortune of having my clapped grandson. that. So he, as a result of this, because he's still sort of blue blood, and at this point in 9 BC, who is emperor? Is it Tiberius or Augustus? Is it Peter or Blair? Who's in power? It is Augustus. Blair's in power. So, and Augustus has a long, and maybe the most successful right? Things can only get better. Augustus is pressing the flesh outside Downing Street. Augustus is Blair if he didn't evade Iraq. Yes. That's it. That's what he is. God imagine. He'd still be Prime Minister.

You'll still think about it. He'd still be Prime Minister. In some ways he still is. He's still it. Well, he fucking still is. The amount of WhatsApps I got. When he came out. When he came out and he broke cover.

This is your penis when Tony Blair. Says anything in the Times. I'm listening. I got so many WhatsApps and people are saying fucking Blair's seen it. That's the circle you've created. Blair's seeing it like a beach pool still. Yeah. Yeah, but also you're saying that like, God,

you must be such a big deal. You've only selected people to hang out with who will message you that. That's a very selective group. I don't give out my number to anyone. All of your WhatsApp groups are going to be people who have the exact same. Anyone to the left of David Miliband

I do not give him out my number to. So yeah, oh God, Blair would still see, he's the only guy, you know, who's still seeing things. Still sees them clearly. The day that Blair dies

and we use his third eye, this country is completely ruined. Yeah, but do you see he can't keep his hand out the cookie jar? He said some interesting things about domestic policy, as he often does. But then he was like, it was a mistake not to join Trump and Iran. It's like, Blair. History is long.

Blair, you got a fucking, you got to realize you've got your hand slapped. Stop going back there, brother. He can't help it. He's con-struck. Look at him. Look at his piece. Look at his peace. He's dazed every morning.

He's been whipped around his fucking nine-bedersington townhouse by that fucking piece of ass. He doesn't know what he's thinking, you know? Do you think Shari told him off for Iraq? In the documentaries, really, because Sherry gave up her own political career for Tony, so she's got a lot of her own. But also there's a conspiracy theory that Sheree was actually running the show

and that Sheree was the puppet master for Blair. Right. And that Sheree's actually... Sheree did 9-11. I don't think that's a conspiracy theory, yeah. But you heard it here first, folks. Sheree Blair did 9-11.

Yep. She organized it. She wanted to go into Iraq. Yeah? She'd always hated Saddam and she orchestrated the 9-11 attacks so that her husband who is nothing really, you know,

he's all mouth, no trousers. She's got the fucking trousers. She's weakened at burning fucking Tony Blair. You can see in that photo, she's got her hand up his arm. Yeah, like a puppet. We have to be close to America. That's her saying that.

Ventriloquist. Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Anyway, yeah, Kosovois, Northern Irelanders, Sierra Leonez. He is in power when Cloorley's

is entrusted with very few official responsibilities because he's a little sort of clap disabled boy and he's his mother's words.

His mother's words sorry, not my words though it was his grandmother's words. Fucked in the head as his grandmother's said.

No, he can't have an official role because he's completely fucked in the head. His bonce has gone so but he throws But his bonce

isn't gone, is it? It's not. It appears to be gone. Well, he's incredibly annoying but he's Blanche is not gone. The great question is how,

how, you know, there's an idea that maybe he grows out of his disabilities, but does that happen? No, there's not,

well, there's a theory. You're saying that you have a disabled child, you're like, I'll grow up. Well, yes. But there's a theory that

he learns that he's, he's underestimation is actually a sign of great strength. And he plays the fall. Yes, he's Tom Wamsgam. He's Tom Wamsgam. That's why he's a,

that's the architect. type that Claudius is. What is it, Charlie? Is he who the emperor in Monty Python with the Lisp is based on? Possibly. Could be. Possibly.

I don't know. There's a big TV show called I-Claudius in the 70s. My parents, it was apparently a huge deal. It was the equivalent of succession, but in the 70s, and it's Derek Jacoby played I-Claudeus. Who did Christopher Biggins play? Do you remember? Maybe Caligula?

When I was producing a live podcast, he was the guest. Yeah. And that's when he came straight out and said that, this was 10 seconds into meeting him whole room told him that Prince Charles was frequented gay clubs in the 80s that was like told everyone

10 seconds in pretty extraordinary entrance We've covered that he would taste brilliant Biggins We have covered that he would taste brilliant Can you find out what Biggins Played in I Claudius A suckling Biggins I believe is what we said

Yeah He played Nero He played Nero Biggins is Nero Oh wow Look at a young Biggins Gorgeous Tastyer when he's young

Oh, it's like veal. I would love to eat I Claudius E. E.a Biggins. He looks like sort of gay Rowan Atkinson in there. Delightful. Anyway, yeah, no, he's past,

he's past, out of pasture. That's like an old dairy cow. Anyway, so he now, he's has a massive, he's a massive history guy, Claudius. Yeah, he doesn't show his history fans well, I don't think,

seeing as he's like a sniveling nerd loser. who can't go to fight in Europe and instead retreats to his book and goes, I'm going to become really smart of history. Well, it is Down Snowdrum. He's got Down Snowdrum. But Dan Snow is a chat.

That's what's funny about him. He's a tall, booming voice. That's why he stands out in the history field. Yes, he is. It's because he's a rare case where he's actually, he's tall, strong. He looks like he's not a fucking nerd.

Men want to be him when we want to fuck him. Dan Snow. He's James Bond. He is. History's James Bond. James Bond, you know. No one's talking about Sanbrook or Holland the next bond. They're talking about

snow. Yeah, snow's in the run. Snow's in the running. I'm putting my hat in the ring for snow. Right? Anyway, so... Who do you think the biggest Chad is in terms of kind of traditional British broad... Like Ben Fowgall... Madeley. Madely. Who's in the running?

Madele... Madele... Madele... Madele is bringing a knife to that fight. Do you think? Yeah. Ben Fogel? Danny Dyer. Madele... Madele's... He's... He's been in that El Salvador prison. I saw that. Yeah. No, he's fucking people up.

You reckon? Yeah. Absolutely. He's got no... You think Madele East tasty in a fight? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I don't know. He's got no social awareness. Well, then that really helps him. He's got complete lack of him. He doesn't hesitate. Doesn't hesitate to ask the question. Whatever's in his head.

What's wrong with you then? He doesn't hesitate? Who's the one who really fell off? Eamon Holmes? He's fucked it, hasn't he? Isn't he quite ill, actually? No, I think he's a bit in all. Yeah, naughty Holmes.

I think he might be really unwell. I think Amon's naughty. Anyway, we're in danger of committing libel, which was stroke. Eamon Holmes has had a stroke. Okay, breaking news. But who's he stroked? No, enough. Breaking news.

Amon Holmes has had a stroke. I guess that's what you, I get, what? 23 hours ago, he's issued a... 23, he had a stroke, 23 hours ago. Right, pause this. Pause Claudius. Breaking news. Listeners, I hope you're sitting down.

Oh my God. He's got Beethoven's brother syndrome. Eamon Holmes has released. What is so smug? No, I think that's the stroke. I'm really hope that's not a smug face. Had worse Mondays? I've had a stroke.

Right. Wow. Okay, listeners, I hope you're sitting down. Amen Holmes has had a stroke. Get well soon, Eamon. Yeah, from all of us here, Finn versus history. Ghibi news will not be the same about you. I don't know why you're so fucking smug about it.

Oh, God. Anyway, look, let's get back to Claudius's... He says he can't wait to be out of his gown and back into his suit and tie. That's what you think. Want to know the real story of how Oasis made Britain mad for it? How friends turned us on to coffee culture and super-layered hair. The secrets of Nirvana, train spotting, gay hookups, Diana's revenge dress, and what it was really like to be a...

Spice Girl? Flunged back into the decade when the world fell for cool Britannia, Bumster jeans and Lemon Hooch with Talk 90s to Me. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you use Spotify, you can watch the whole show too. That's Talk 90s to Me. Out every Monday. The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now. And it doesn't make any sense to anyone. No, it doesn't, but want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do. Good. Well, our podcast help. It's called American Friction and it's out every Monday and Friday. We discuss all the big news from across

the pond and explain it all with world leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen, right now wherever you get your podcasts right now. American Friction. So Claudius gets put under the tutelage of Livy

who is the big, he's like the first historian. Or one of the first historian. Oh yeah. huge Roman historian. So he writes extensively. Now, he, I think his publisher

asks him to write a history of the Etruscans, which is Northern Italy, and they say, just keep it to two volumes, and then he writes 20. Right. So he's mad for it.

He loves it. And he then gets told off by his grandmother because he starts writing accounts, like academic accounts of Rome since Augustus. And that becomes, like,

the dirty laundry. So he has to abandon that sort of stuff because they damage his reputation. So he's sort of, he's politically isolated. He's dribbling. He's shouting fuckers, come to us, every other word. But this is a classic, you do see this archetype in history of the kind of bullied nerd who then retreats to the books

while all the chads play outside and bides his time and kind of develops skills. I'll show them. so Augustus dies in 14 AD now they may have been calling it 14 at this point they probably weren't actually no they definitely weren't because because Jesus is 14 yeah 14 AD was called the year of the consulship of Pompeius and Apuleus yeah a bit of a mouthful that is a bit of mouthful yeah I think I think they did I think the 14 the numbers are better they're much better it's a good system otherwise this would be the fifth year of the consulship of Sadiqqqq's.

Do the Taliban use our time system? Don't know. Because it is kind of cupped for Taliban to use the Christ. Or is it like the year zero when they shot Malala on the head? And then everything since then. She's a Tory, did you know? She's a Tory. Doesn't surprise me.

Malala's a Tory. Well, I think, you know. She comes from a very conservative country. Yes. Yeah. And also, I guess if you've been shot on the head and then you go on to speak at the UN, you would think that's you, wouldn't you? Yeah. You know.

So the current Islamic year is 14. 47 AH. Crazy. So they use that as the... Yes. Right. Yeah, they're about 600 behind. Right.

Because it begins with the migration. Yes. Out of... Yes. Of Mohammed from Mecca to Medina. Fair play. So it's the year 14 AD, but if you're Muslim, it is the year for 600B. Yeah.

B.H. Before... B.H. Who's age? Before... Haj? No. Before Hidra.

Right. I think. don't know who that is but I'm sure he's great don't cut my head off okay let's crack just a little off the top please not the whole head yep just a haircut please I'd like a Turkish barber haircut not a

Taliban haircut haircut um I'm trying if you get caught stealing and Saudi Arabia you go yeah just a couple of the sides please yeah nothing off the top Augustus dies in 14 Claudius is 23 at this point

and he appeals to his uncle, the new emperor Tiberius. I mean, most uncles are creepy and uncle's a creepy word. Yeah. But this uncle is a paedophile with an island. Yes. Uncle Emperor Tiberius. Epstein is Islanders. To allow him to begin his cursus

honorum, which is a sort of the structured career path. I guess that's the what would you say? That's like apprenticeship or like joining the civil service and starting to work your way through up the machinery of government. Tiberius denies him and then Claudius asks again,

twice and Tibera says no and no. Because you're fucked. Because you're clapped. Fuck us. Fuck us. So, Clorius then focuses on his writing career. None of his original works have survived. So we don't know if they're any good.

No. He said, quote, no one is more miserable than the person who wills everything and can do nothing. Right. So he's steaming in the basement at the moment. Yes, he is. He's right in manifesto. Now, let's get to his love life

because his personal life is pretty hilariously tragic. there were plans for him to have married in his mid-teens. Again, this is the Roman era, so this isn't creepy at this point. However, the girl in question's family gets politically disgraced somehow, and the petroalthal gets cancelled.

But he's, glorious is, much like Hawking, seems to be quite horny and disabled. Hornkins. Stephen Hornkins. So... Horning and disabled. It's a brutal combo.

Brutal. It's a rare... It's a rare... It's a rare sight. but magnificent when it emerges. Anyway, so he gets betrothed to a woman called Livia Mediolina after lots of unsuccessful attempts getting married, but this girl, Livia Mediina, falls ill and dies on their wedding day.

Right. So, yeah, bereaved at first sight. Bafs, that's what that show would be called. In the year nine, his third attempt, Claudius marries Ploutier Oglanilla. Sounds gorgeous. She's sucking off another bloke in her name. Yeah.

He's that cucked that her name is... Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Sorry. Could you please take that gentleman's cock out your mouth and tell me? Can you please take that gentleman's cock out of your mouth? Let's let the dog see the rabbit. There she's, I think. Yeah.

She looks nice. He looks nice enough. White with dreads. I'd look nice on a coin, though. Do you know what I mean? I don't know if you would, actually. I think that's a massive... I think a coin would be two dimensions.

Yeah. I think the more 3D, the better for you. I think when you reduce your features to 2D, you need to spend as long a time drawing me as possible, the quicker, the worse, because then it would be like... Detail is your friend. Okay? If you've got 10 seconds to draw me, it's going to be pretty brutal.

I know that from when I was a 12-year-old, and I was Gavin plumbing it behind Hollywood film stars, and people would draw me with just two circles, okay? Detail is your friend. Detail is our friend. No, no, no, no. You've not captured my complexity. okay you need the detail of the Hawaiian shirt

of the billabong shorts okay of the pulled up white socks and the skater shoes even though I've never been on skateboard in my life the cream predators the cream the cream band predators you know detail is my friend you've not captured the essence of my jowls how must be terrifying for a right back seeing me steaming down the left wing as an impact sub you've not captured that you've just drawn two circles

anyway so oh gruel gorgal miller give us birth to the couple's only child who's named Claudius as well. Fair play. Anyway. Now, but his son, this Claudius guy, dies age four

after choking on a pair. Fair enough. I mean, fuck it out. Yeah. Christ. How unlucky I choke on a pair! Yeah.

It's the most Jewish woman all time. Yeah, it's the idiomine hostage crisis all over again. So there's a guy called Segenus. Who's that? Who's sedgenus?

So at this point, Oh, because Tiberius is living on Capri fucking his little fish, which is his squadron of aquapea, aquaic victims. He's an aquapido. Because he's basically busy himself doing that, the guy running the country is a guy called Segenus.

So Claudius is lying low in this period. And Claudius gets betrothed. No, Claudius's son, who's also called Claudius, gets betrothed to Junilla, the daughter of Segenus. But then his son, much like his dad, is so clapped that he can't even eat a fucking pear, age four, so he dies.

And I guess Claudius's grandmother goes, well, good. Yeah, thank fuck for that. You know, they're Darwinist in the year 15th, 14. If you can't handle a pear, you didn't deserve to live. Yeah, you know. Pear is early stuff. Yeah. I mean, is he putting the whole thing in?

Yeah. Anyway. He's quite a dry one. He eat the whole thing, though, don't you? Hey? There's no center of a pair. You just eat the whole thing, right? Yeah.

There's a core. I think there is a call, but you can eat, you can eat it. It's less as sturdy than an apple. Sure. So anyway, so Claudius divorces his first wife in the year 24 because he thinks she's having an affair and was involved in the murder of her sister-in-law, which is irrelevant to the story.

So he then remarries a woman who kind of Elia Paitina, who is Sejanus's adopted sister. he then, I mean for a disabled guy who's a nerd, he's divorcing a lot. Yes. To be fair. He then divorces her because Segenus gets executed. So. Wait, wait, wait.

Sorry. So he marries the guy who's in charge's sister because he's in charge because Sejunus fell from power. All of her power is gone. So I guess is this when Caligula comes to power that he purges Segenus, maybe? Anyway, fine. We're getting a bit lost in the weeds. But let's get to... There's a lot of names and they're all the same name.

Yeah. But Caligula comes to power in the year, I think it's 33. Okay. I believe, which is as Christ is executed. I may be. So Caligula actually facilitates Claudius's entrance into Roman politics because he appoints... Oh, sorry, it's the year 37. So does Christ get executed when Caligula's on the throne?

No, sorry, so he's four years. He comes to power in the year 37. Right. Christ has been dead for four years. So Tiberius. Tiberius executes Christ, which is why people get so annoyed at Epstein because not only are you a paedophile,

but you're also Jewish, and it was a, it was a, the Jews killed Christ, but also it was a Roman pedophile emperor who ordered him. You know, unlike athletics where they set the difficulty, felt the flip thing, and they need to land it. That was like a high difficulty. I think you smacked your ball from the barn. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Well, it doesn't matter. You know what? People are like Epstein for many reasons. Yes. Yeah. But he looked good. He did.

Not enough people say it. Not enough. That's true. Like so many things, I am a salmon swimming upstream. Complimenting that man for how he dressed. Anyway. So, Caligula appoints,

Claudius, who is his uncle as a consul. Now, I can't remember what a consul is, but it's a thing. It's an important thing. In the setting up of the, in the running of the country, I get a quick confusion with Caligula and Nero

because they're both just doing mad stuff. But Caligula was mad of the Nero. Nero was the populist theatre kiddie one. Yeah, Nero fiddles while Rome burned. Caligula made his consular horse. Yes. And Caligula was the sex pest who fucked everyone's wife. Even during dinner.

He'd be having a dills while. cabinet meeting and then he'd be like wait here and he just go and fuck someone's wife. And then she'd come back with ruffled hair. And he'd be like, six on ten. Is it like those you know those porn scenes where like they're having dinner and then like she's under the table? I don't

I don't really watch it. Explain, explain. There's like they're having like pasta and the grandma's over and so is the dad but then him and his sister are under the table at it and I imagine that's what it was like with the Caligula where he's just like shagging people while they're having that big meeting.

Or it'll be like, under the table or it'll be like the wife is asking the husband how his day is this cucky guy is like, you know, fiddling around with the cupboards.

Yeah. And she's just getting plowed with a guy with the balaclava while she's asking those days. Oh, from behind. And she's just like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, that is acting.

To be fair to those women acting, that's great actor. And they're like, oh, no, I had a great day. And they're having to, with their eyes, they're having to imbue pleasure and also fear.

It's fantastic. Fantastic stuff. Yeah. What a woman can do, an actress can do with their artists, you know? What about the men?

Sorry? Do you think that there's anything... The men don't get... The men don't get talked about enough. They don't get any credit. They're just kind of dogs. At the porn conferences, apparently it's very sad the men's tables.

I nearly went this year to the Ben, to the... Because Bend Dover was going to be there? Do you know Bend Dover? You're talking about Bendover? He is the... He's better known for his... I nearly went.

To Bend over? Bend over. Bend over's there? What's he got? He began producing the Bendovers' kick assay. adventure series. Is that for kids? I'm saying this stuff as if I've heard of it.

Oh, well, the kick-house anal-a-en-adventure series. I'm sorry, that's the execra producer. How did you know how did you know Bend Over? He's Tiger Drew Honey's dad, you know, outnumbered? Oh, really? Hugh Dennis. No. Hugh Dennis is the executive producer on the anal adventure series.

No, Tiger Drew Honey, who's... Yes, the young girl. The main son in. outnumbered, the oldest son and outnumbered. The son or the daughter? This guy. Oh my God. Look, Tiger Drew Honey. His dad is Bendover

who's done a lot of film making and I was going to go meet him and maybe make a video with it. Not a porn video for a view from a bridge. I mean, it would be interested to go to the Porn Awards, I guess. Kind of a unique vibe. I don't think we're nominated this year.

If we are, something's gone quite wrong with this show, I think. Complaining this is a fucking disgrace. We don't win best gang bang. Would that sync the company? Because you know how like Skeptor did a porno? Did you hear about this ratio? No, I didn't hear about this.

Skeptor did a porno. But it didn't sync his career. I don't have Google notifications for porn news, Charlie, unlike you. Right, right. Across. Well, would it sink the company if we made a porno? But if it was like beautiful, if it was like incredible. I don't think it's what people want.

I would love to see... That's an expression of art. It'd be interesting to see the live Patreon ticker. What's the video we could make that would make it go down the fast? because it's quite hard to lose patrons. People forget to... It seems. Yeah.

At a terrifying rate, it's growing. But, so please don't subscribe anymore. It's getting embarrassing. It's really boring behind that paywall. We're not having the best time. It's awful. But yeah, it would be... Because people forget to unsubscribe to patrons,

I do wonder... Don't remind them. What would you have to... No, we've got to, man. It's uncouth. It is on Quth. It is vulgar. It is vulgar.

It's... It would be classy if it was like a... Like, I think maybe like six or seven thousand is like a... There's a classiness. There's a classiness to it. There's like an elite group. There's a exclusivity to it. Yes.

This is any old fucking slops. It is. It's pigs. It's a horde. It's not. It is. Yeah. But we're trying to take over Afghanistan.

It's true. But it doesn't feel like the most discerning patron when this many people can connect with what we're doing. So we've done something wrong. We have done something wrong. It's too popular. We've opened the gate. And now the only future is for us to keep going.

So we hit, uh, was it Taliban? 120 gram 120 grand 120 we're at the El Salvador Dorian mega prison at the

minute currently we're madely in El Salvador this is what me of the pageant is madely in El Salvador

yeah yeah yeah it is anyway look we are going to if you want to help us

take on the Taliban in order to make life even worse for Afghan women then join

the patron I think don't describe to be honest I think I must we must finish

the story okay Caligula is in power he has made Claudius, his nephew one of the highest elected magistrates in Rome Claudius is now in the system so he appointed Claudius

because Caligula is as he said as the showman he wants to humiliate him in public Nero's the showman they're both shaman they're both shaman right Nero's the one who does the chariot racing yes right anyway but Caligula was madder

yes but Calicula is also is the one doing the kind of big public shows the specs calls the fake battles all that. But he gets, Caligula gets Claudius there because he,

he's the one who makes, humiliates the Senate more than anyone. Yes. Right. And he thinks Claudius is funny

because it's funny to have his cerebral palsy dribbling or uncle. Tourette's or uncle. But make him, in the way that he married his horse, he was like,

well, we made the horse console. Yeah. This fucking idiot will be one of my counselors. Yeah. Because he's stupid and,

you know, no one will ever respect him. He would throw olive stones at him. Yeah. Yeah. So, but Claudius, I was claimed that he

playing along and undermining his own intelligence so I'm not seen as a threat. No one respects the tabled uncle. Yeah. But the point is that his visible afflictions arguably keep him alive under... Because anyone else would be a threat. Exactly.

Anyone related, this closely related to the Julian-Claudian line, ladies. Anyway, in the year 38, Claudius marries his third wife, Valeria Messalina. Claudius is nearly 50. Messalina is 18. Wufus! Yes. Now she...

Wufus granders. Oroos. Now she will get into more in the second episode. She's hilarious. Yeah. I mean, as if this guy... She's a great woman. She's a terrific woman.

If this poor cunt hadn't had it bad enough with the lottery of his disabilities that he's won. Yeah. And, you know, the fact the son dies in a pair of... Kind of cuck all-timer. Like, the goat of being cucked. In the grand scheme of all-time cucks. His numbers don't lie.

He's a... Jordan are getting cucked. Yeah. Because she is his Scotty Pippin. Yeah. All right. You can't have Jordan without the rest of that team.

Yeah. And there's a guy, Tyreek told me this. Do you know that there's a guy called Steve Kerr who's in that team as well? Yeah. This is, Tyreeks told me this. Was he the one white guy in? Yeah. He's got a brother.

Do you know what his first name is? What? Nick. Now Tyreek told me that. Okay. He thought it was funny. Was he at the Bafters? No, he wasn't at the Bafters.

He was shouting at the Bafters. It's like, you know, the Puffters. Steve, Steve. Dan. Dan, Nick, Nick, Nick. Don't maybe said the full name, Nick. Anyway, so,

now, Messalina and Claudius would have two children, Claudia and Britannicus. Now, on the 24th of January, 41, Caligula meets his end in a corridor with the Praetorian Guards hacking him to death. Because he'd taken the piss too much.

Yes, he had taken the piss too much. And all of the power, which has become clear, when you're wondering how do people take power, it's all about having the Pretorian Guard on your side. That seems to be the fundamental way. If you want to take control, you'll take control the Pretoria Guard.

The only people allowed swords in the city and basically, if you're in the pocket, if they're in your pocket, you can take over. So Claudius witnesses, the assassin's, nation supposedly and is terrified hiding behind a palace curtain Furnity! Fuck us! Fuck us!

Now a Praetorian guard spot to Claudius's feet poking out from behind the cone and drags him out. So Claudius falls to his knees to beg for mercy dribbling. Dribbling. And laughing. Fuck us! Fuck us! And everyone thinks, well, this guy's

going to be executed. Yeah. And yet instead, the guard salutes him as the new emperor. Now, what has gone on here? We will deal with that in part two. Fuck us. Which is already on our Patreon, where for £3 a month,

you can sign up to become part of this vulgar class of new money, katana-wielding idiots. Trash. Trash. They are trash. It's trash to join our Patreon. and we're biggest in the UK. Yeah.

And it's just a matter of time. We're bigger than ISIS. Yes. We're bigger than Hamas. And we are trying to get to be as big as the Taliban. We blew Hezbollah out the window. Hezbollah. I don't know.

Fuck off, Hezbollah. Nothing. So join the patron to get instant access to the rest of this story. And our bonus this week is on Hercules. It's great. It's great. The original is so much better than the Disney version. My God.

That's already on the Patreon. If not, we will see you on Thursday for the continuation of the story of Claudius. Good night and now. Goodbye. Goodbye.