Fin vs History - Oliver Cromwell was a West African Warlord | The English Civil War (Part 2)

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

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Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think. Welcome back to Finland's History, part two of our incredibly fascinating deep dive into the most boring Civil War there ever was. Exactly. English Civil War. To get us back up to speed, where are we in the world? What's happening? So this is the English Civil War, which is the 1600. So it's sort of before the invent, it's after the invention of the bucket.

Yeah. The bucket's been invented. Buckets are around. But it's before Lizzo's second album. Right. so Lizzo's broken through and I don't just mean metaphorically I mean she's broken through

it's over walls that's how she makes about but they don't know who that is they've got no idea if you said Lizzo's second album they'd go if you said an indistinguishable

cornish accent they'd go if Lizzo was found shitting on a bucket they'd be like well I know what I know what that is what the fuck's that

So I think that gives you... That couches it historically as to where we're at. For people who aren't historians as such as we are. B.L. Before Lizzo. Yes. A.B. After bucket. We're 300...

This is... Hang on. 1650. 1750. Yeah. 1750. Yeah. We're about 380 BL. Yeah.

Charlie, when was the bucket invented? Because I don't know, I think there's going to be a... Do you know what? I reckon there's going to be a lot of proto bucket. Do you know what I mean? That's what makes it quite complicated. I'm going to say it's after the wheel. The history of the bucket, don't blow our load now.

We'll have to do a patron special on the history of the bucket. The history of the bucket is not clear. But the first buckets are believed to have been used thousands of years ago. The earliest known buckets would have been used. discovered in sculptures from around 3,200 BC. Now that's before Cardi B. Yes, that is before Cardi B. Which depict

Pharaoh Nama. So the pharaohs are using it. Right, so the Egyptians are using it. Yeah. Here's some notable events in the history of the Bucca. Can you... Sorry, just before we get back to the English of War, can we just we'll do a quick history of... It's still history. We just, we just try to find something more

born in the English Civil War. So the handle was invented by the Roman. That was the one which they used to... to carry wine and then the cubic measure the bucket was a recognised cubic measure until well into the 19th century

so that would be like that's how they measured liquid so how much I need to put some fuel in the car I've only got a quarter of a bucket in it how big is the bucket though so it's five bucket loads of petrol

well well hang on the Spanish inventor Manuel Halon Colominas yeah sorry Manuel Hay anon ha created the modern mop and wheeled bucket in 1956. So the sort of the bucket that we all know and love today...

Yes, is Spanish. Well, I'll tell you this now. I'm never using the bucket again. I will only be using bins, which I think are English. If bins are English and buckets are Spanish, then count me out buckets. Charlie, who invented the bin? Which country invented the bin?

Come on. You've got to be England. Surely. It's got to be England. Come on, boys. The bin. Wheely bin has got to be The UK

No The modern plastic wheelie bin was invented in the UK in 68 by Frank Rotherham mouldings Yes That's it However the history of bins goes back further Oh hang on

He's called Eugene Poubel Which is French for Bin And I didn't realise it's named after a bloke called Eugene Really? Did he did he Was that a coincidence? No hang on hang on hang on Hang on.

Well, there's name bin, and he was like, well, I might as well make a bin. Well, hang on. So does that mean that Osama bin Laden invented some kind of bin? No, but his ancestors did. It wasn't him. Osama Pubellada. Yeah.

Well, it would be his great, great grandfather invented the bin. Oh, it was like Icelandic names. Bin son. Be our bin son. Sorry. Are we saying that the French invented the concept of the bin? the idea of what is a bin

is it there and can I fuck it well it's interesting you raise that about the bin should we lower the age of consent of the bin I feel it's hard to talk about

the bin without lowering the air consent how can one truly know what kind of bin it is without fucking it is it a food bin so hang on the French

I doubt that the French invented the concept of the bin because, to my mind, Paris is a bin. I can't stand Paris. Can you actually not? I don't hate it. Really? Yeah. That's so funny.

What is it funny? I fucking ate Paris. Yeah, of course. Well, of course do you hate Paris? What do you hate about Paris? Oh, it's just shit. It's too big. It's just shit.

You can't say that out of Paris. It's shit. Why do you know, Paris, it's just... It's too big. It's full of French people. It's too big? Do you like London? Yes.

Is that too big? No. It's twice the size. So Paris is too big. It's too big. It's full of French people. Well, yeah. I guess, I guess, I guess if that is, if you rate things with how many French people in them, then I guess Paris scores quite high.

Yeah, I can see from your expect. of Paris being a bit shit. No, I hate Paris. But in terms of like if you go to Paris and you're like, oh, well, let's see the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame and Sacra Kerr and all that.

It takes fucking ages. You go to London. I want to see London I, Big Ben, Parliament, Chicago Square. That's me every weekend. In a morning. I do that every weekend. I do that every weekend.

Yeah, me and Finn. That's how we make. Saturday morning, I'm on the London Eye every week. All the way around. If I go the other way around, hate it. They hate it. What are you doing? You can't go that way around. Which country invented the idea of the bin?

The idea of the waste bin is generally introduced to France. I... A lawyer and a diplomat. Wow, a scholar and a gentleman. Now, what happened before the bin? Well, I'll tell you, just look at modern-day Paris. Because for a country that came up with a concept of the bin, try telling Parisians that. The streets are full of rubbish.

Yeah, exactly. They probably invented soap as well. But they just refused to use it. Who invented the sewer and the toilet? Because the toilet is essentially a bin, isn't it? No, the toilet was invented by Scots. And I have a theory that if you invent something, you will be one of the worst at making it in a hundred years' time. Yes, because you think, yeah, that's why the Japanese...

Our trains. Yeah. We invented trains. We've got kind of rubbish trains now. Yeah. The Scots. Terrible toilets. So if you're in Edinburgh, the toilets always find.

They are the worst toilets. And they invented toilets. Because you do that primary push. Kappa! Thomas! Yeah, but you just, you make it and you think, well, that's fucking brilliant. Yeah. And then you don't change it.

That's done now. That's done. Look, shit in that. And then what's the Japanese have it where your toilet's now your boyfriend, like your virtual boyfriend. I think that's what they do there. Because of the fact that there's a lot of much sex going on society. It's very lonely. So you have your toilet's your boyfriend? Yes.

You push a button and it cleans your ass just like your boyfriend would. But this isn't about the history of the bucket, nor the history of the bin, nor the history of the toilet. Is it not? How did we get on to the history of the history of the, so. This is about the history of the English Civil War. Which is famously... Which we got so bored of that we got onto the Pitten Bucket. The History of the Bucket.

So this is post-Bucket... Pre-Lissos' second album. Anyway, so the English Civil War, which is only slightly more interesting than the history of the bucket. So, where we got to, we got to the fact that the trial of Charles I was... Yeah, we're at the trial of Charles I first.

We've got to the fact with his weak Scottish voice with a stutter. He has prepared quotes that he wants to be remembered, which sound a lot better written down. Yes, but they also have about seven adverbs in a row. Because it's the time. Did that make any sense? Yeah. So he's on trial except he doesn't believe in the legitimacy of the court. At this time, every sentence...

This whole court out of order. Every sentence takes the scenic route, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every sentence, you're on Google Maps, you pick the long way around that has better seen. 10 minutes slower. Yeah, I'll do that one. Do you want to take this for us? Hith of thy

on a morning's eve? Yeah. Betwixt the morning dew and the evening sun. So to give us a quick recap, Charles is, he's Russell Brand. He's gay.

He's Russell Brand. He's gay. He's got a fit, annoying French girlfriend with a fringe. And, well, he's probably, I think part of the reason that, I mean, the part of the Catholic terror is that that's Catholic's been announcing, right? So, Charles is, he's gay Russell Brand, annoying French girlfriend with a fringe.

And he's introduced high Anglicanism. Yes. Which is an ostentatious Protestantism. Right. Which. Now, the schools that you went, did you go to religious schools? There was, well, no. Well, there was.

There was a hymn book, so maybe. Okay. It wasn't like avertly religious. No, it wasn't like, hi. Is that what religious is? Hi. Well, Catholics very gay. Yeah.

Yeah. I believe. And it's very like, I think the whole structure is very kink coded. Go on. Where it's like, beg for forgiveness from daddy. Do you know? Do you know what I mean? Fucking daddy's always watching.

And sometimes he's not happy. I'm not happy with you. You know, confession. a gossip box. Are you saying that on the other half of the confession box is a massive leather daddy. It's more, it's more just like

a glorified gossip session, right? Yes, it is. It's incredibly gay. And what the Reformation, which we'll do an episode on, was a straight-edge German autistic monk going, this has got way too gay. It's all too gay.

And it kind of it was the de-yastification of the Catholic Church. Of the Catholic Church. Of the Christian Church, yeah. Get his cock out your mouth. When we depict Jesus, why are we making him look like a twinky little slag? Why is he topless?

Why is he topless? Why is the blood like dripping down him? And he's sweaty. Come shot stained glass window shit. They make every, you know, because the Catholic Church basically, it was sort of like RuPaul's drag race. Yeah.

Where it's just every year they'd add a new flamboyant thing. And it's like, this is... And basically, because he's a monk, one of the only people who could read in the time, he's reading the Bible. He's like, He says nothing in here about

sucking you off. Why are we sucking you off? This is great. Just because it's written in Latin and you can get away with it, he doesn't say anything in it. I love the idea that he's reading through not that book, no, all right, next one,

Genesis, Job, no, right, no, no. It must be here. I'm still sucking you out. Oh, so is it right at the end? Okay, no, I still, we can't read it. He gets the end, he goes, I've been sucking you off this whole time. I wasn't in there at all.

And so it's stripping back and making it just like very strange. edged, straight. You know, what Protestantism was trying to achieve as the end goal is can we make a church look like a betting shop?

Yes. Right? The ideal Protestant church is looks like a William Hill. Yeah. I want a man in the flat cap coughing on his way out. Finding a penny on the floor

and then going back in. Yeah. So it strips it all away and it's as boring as possible. And I guess high Anglicanism was, I guess that was my school was high Anglican.

A betting shop. Christmas when they got some tinsel off. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So that's where I... Which is basically, it's... Fuck the Pope.

We're still Protestant, but we can... Like, we can still hang some stuff up, basically. It doesn't have to be hideous in here. Well, it's like the... Let's have a nice roof. Yeah.

Let's have a... Bisexual. Yeah. Or maybe even kind of like like how all straight women are a bit gay. Yeah. Oh, okay, fine. It's a posh bloke who experimented

with the rugby boys. experimenting is not the term having been to those schools experimenting is not the term what's going on what you wouldn't put a lab coat on it's not it's not a you don't have a gauze and a bunsen burner I wouldn't say

soggy biscuit could be explained away as a science experiment I know people who tried I guess in its fundamental form it is still trial and error is it not yeah yeah it's data gathering do I like this maybe I do I like this do I like these people

do I know these people enough to eat this biscuit full of cup. Fun experiment. You've ever experimented with sexuality? I guess so. Yeah, I went to school. Oh, Isaac Newton, yeah. I kind of went to school with a kid like him.

He was always experimenting. Yeah, yeah, he was jizzing on my digestive biscuits. And I was wondering. And I was experimenting whether I would eat them or not. Whether I was that terrified of him. But high Anglicanism is, yeah, it's just a bit more, a bit more tins. It's just a bit more showy process.

But you don't like that. Because I feel that's, if I'm, if I was a religion, that's me. Really? I'm high Anglican, I'd say. Well, I'm Presbyter. So you're just, you're calder. I'm an extremist. I'm a boring extremist.

I'm driving 20 miles an hour in the fast lane of a motorway. I'm in a milk float on the fast lane. Yeah. And I'm also angry about it. With people are beeping, I'm going, fuck off. Why are you driving so fast? And all of the debates that are happening in this period, it's probably the most kind of religiously,

there's the most upheaval we've ever had in this country is this kind of period where there's so many it's a big spectrum right between gay very boring to slightly less boring exactly yeah and also at this time because authority was kind of destroyed during the civil war a lot of very radical ideas were coming in like the levelers who were sort of proto-communists

right so these are commies the levelers are a small faction of within the new model army right so it's basically like no one's looking anymore so now we can just kind of do what the fuck we want for a couple of years, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is in the interbellum, the taint of between the two civil wars.

Yeah, go on. The levelers are because they're shot famously. It's kind of like, let's all it's kind of like there's guys who live in communes. Yeah. It was, it's about the giving power to the people, right? And this is a very radical idea then that no one liked and no one

picked up. Yeah. They're like, no, that doesn't sound right. So basically they were too, they were too radical for I think Cromwell is Cromwell's about to go to Ireland

or Scotland Yeah We're skipping ahead a bit Yeah And then some level Levelers are like Hey we think we should be more Boring or whatever

Yeah It's kind of like There's hippie dippy Those guys are living communes You know now Because then there's the diggers They're Are actually growing food

Yeah Well the diggers Broke off the levellers To become like that Like someone Who's called wet bark or something. Like, that's his name.

Oh, right. And he lives on a commune. River. Harim pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Worse food imaginable. Yeah. Everything's homemade.

Yeah, it's a lot of dal eaters. Darle eaters. Right. There we go. But anyway, we're getting distracted. The trial of the century, the king is... This is OJ for this.

This is OJ in the 17th century. Yeah. So the king tries to... The glove doesn't fit. People are like, we'll get some new gloves. you're still guilty what this is nothing to do with gloves this is irrelevant I don't know what point you're trying to make

but they're basically trying the king as the monarchy as a concept yeah um so I just don't know much about the trial all I know is that the king like everyone hated him before and then he like whipped out some

some of his sick Scottish stuttering rhetoric maybe he didn't stutter for the first time and everyone was like oh this guy's all right um right and then but they what is it they basically

he didn't he didn't recognise it he didn't enter a plea that's it he didn't enter a plea he just got he got so many opportunities to calm it all

and he didn't take any of them so many opportunities the first civil war you know before the civil war the first civil war the bit in between the second one

and they're like please there's only going one way so it wasn't like people were desperate to drop his head off no no no one wanted it no one wanted it

but this guy was just such a persistent cunt They were just like, we've got to end him. Yeah. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes.

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It took a long time to say that. We've had the entire history of the bucket in the bin between them going to trial. Which is important, though, because a bucket will. his head ends up in a bucket. Yeah, we'll come into play. Spoiler alert. Buckets are a big part of this story. So his execution is on January the 30th.

It's gutting, because he's done dry January for the whole month. He's nearly there. Really gutting for him. And for him as well, he's a fucking booze house. He was like, you know what, maybe these guys are on to something. I'll do a boring month. I'll be boring. Oh, my head.

I'll be boring for a month. Rock off. Do it on first effect. Would you? Yeah. Charles, the first execution took place in front of the banqueting house,

which has chosen to symbolize his extravagance and belief that kings are chosen by God. Because he was always having massive, massive, um... God, that is a bit... That's a bit sassy from the boring hunts. They're like,

we're going to put you in front of your favourite restaurant. And I witness... Executing the king in front of Dishu. Yeah. An eyewitness described a loud groan from the crowd. Ah! As Charles was beheaded. Um...

Now, back in the day, are you going to Beheadings? Yeah. Yeah. How close to the front are you getting? I'm trying to get close to the front. I'm in the mosh bit. Well, it's like, I don't know, a headliner at Pyramid stage. Are you sitting through an app before to get the front road?

I'm like the guys just behind the front where I'm like, fuck, there's all these flags in the way. I can't see. But you're before the screens. Yeah. So you're in this like, you're in this gooch. It's yeah. It's a nightmare if you're going to piss. You queued for ages, because it's Macca, but then you can't see him.

Yeah. And you're not there to listen to his voice because you can't sing anymore. Yeah. So the king has walked up to the scaffold. There's something about how there's not that bigger crowd. Really? Oh, no. Well, they tried to minimise it because they didn't want trouble.

So they didn't promote it that much? They didn't know. It was like... So they didn't do sponsored ads? It was guest list. Yeah. Guestless only. But I think...

So those in the know? Well, no, I think it's 100,000 people there. That's a lot. It's a lot. There are people, like, sitting on. roofs and stuff and yeah because if you're at the back of that you're not seeing much

and they had no microphones I saw the stones in glass to be it's supposed it was 100,000 people there and yeah but they had microphones oh yeah like these guys down like it will it'll be a dot there's no screens as well they're not recording it and blowing up for people at the back yeah so it's

it's a guy a tiny guy in the distance you're probably hearing and then you see a dot full off a dot that's all you're hearing you can't it doesn't travel Anyway, so he gets up to the scaffold. Yeah. And I think my understanding is that the people watching were like,

well, they're not going to fucking do it. Oh, right. They thought it would be like, and what have we learned? What have we learned, Charles? That to never be a cunt again. Right. Now get off. But if you do it again.

Yeah. But they chop his head off. They get his hair and they're, you know, they get his hair and they're fucking, you know. Fuck me. That's everyone in the crowd's like, fuck it out. Yeah. Oh yeah, it's the end of going through season one It's when Ned Stark gets his head chopped off

You think they're never gonna do it I see it as more like ISIS What Facebook Live? He's on his knees He's on his knees in an orange jumpsuit Well, they've got a box cutter Yeah, yeah That's where they're groaning

It takes fucking ages, go on So at Bonfire night in Lewis Which is like they're very traditional And lots of traditions like this at the end you have like a random guy from the local community who stands up and is allowed to speak about whatever for 15 minutes right just one guy one guy so he'll be like a different guy over year no because there's loads of different bonfire society so everyone has a different guy

so this is for like the ultras so after all the parades and fireworks at like midnight you'll go back to like outside a pub which literally called the king's head the one I went to and a guy will stand up there for the local community and he has a platform and he has throughout for 400 years that they've had this platform where he's allowed to talk about whatever he wants and you're obligated to listen and he's wearing like a bishop's hat and stuff

and we're all standing there with torches right and it normally what's so funny is it it felt it really felt and I was on mushrooms at the time so it really felt like I said this earlier but it really felt like I was I'd gone back in time because everyone's wearing and it's just me and my girlfriend who aren't dressed up

and it did feel like I just I've done so many mushrooms I'd gone back 400 years but this guy's just talking up on this plinth basically and one you realize oh you can't hear a fucking thing

without microphones so that I was quite near the front it was very hard to make out what he was talking about so any of these could also be the mushrooms but also what's so funny is he used that platform to talk about really local issues

yes right so he was getting livid about the new car park at the leisure centre and so we're all standing there. It was like torches and it's, but that's kind of good, that's what you want. You want, as opposed to it being kind of, I don't know, about globalists. I've never done mushrooms. My understanding is that you can have a good or a bad trip.

Yeah. Is it like LSD? Yeah. So, but my understanding is your environment dictates whether this is going to be a good or bad. Was it good until he started talking about the car park and then it became really bad? It brought it back to being very real. Yeah, right.

I was in a fancy land, and then they start talking about, oh, that's not back. These Tesla charging units have taken up two main disabled bays. Yeah, but he's dressed like, it's so funny. It was honestly, it's such a funny moment. Oh, fuck. Really sincerely as well, just limitly talking about, like, the Tesco's club card. All that stuff, as a Presbyterian, I think, is far too much.

Really is too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I would, as a Presbyterian, I would like to be alone in my sparsely furnished house, drinking... Heating's off. Heating's off. Drinking a disgusting scotch that's more like sort of coal water than anything else. You haven't put a draft excluder under the door. No.

I don't have any ears, so I can't... All I hear a... All arse cheeks. I'm an asshole with two earholes attached. Drinking this very horrible... Petrol. drinking glass of petrol and I hear a firework in the distance

and I just go that's my Presbyterian New Year's Eve So King Charles I first is executed jihadi style in wine hall A lot of people in the crowd start firing AK-47

They start dancing Anyway they hold the head the head up to the crowd and the spectators dip their handkerchiefs in blood to show... To show... I don't know I don't know what, why. Right.

And then they display it. They put the head on the spike and exposed to the public for several days. Which, I mean, the head must go kind of green or grey. Are you embalming it at all? I don't know. Are you sort of...

You must do. Putting in amber or something. I don't know. Embalming, I don't really. Yeah, I don't really, yeah, I don't get that. Whatever it is, I'd like to be a bomb, though. I'd love to be a bomb. It's not an option anymore. It's basically just cremated, buried.

Well, I went to Lennon's mausoleum. Of course you did. And I was like, yeah, that would be, that's my dream. I've been to Mow's. Oh yeah, so you've seen him? No, I couldn't get in. It was the cutest fucking massive. But you, I think that's great, still being there.

Yeah, but isn't he tiny? Yeah. What's your point? No, because then they shrink. Oh, okay. So it's like a sort of action doll. Like a plameable thing. Yeah, it's like an action dull version of you.

What is embalming? Embalmers replace the body's natural fluids with a solution of formaldehyde, water, colorants, and natural oils. Yeah. They also massage the body to relax muscles and joints. Yeah. Yeah, because if you're being beheaded publicly,

your final muscle kind of formation will be, yeah, be quite embarrassing. So you'll be like this. Yeah. And then someone's job is to just kind of... Yeah. How would you want to be able to... want your final, how would you like to be embalmed?

Happy ending. So you're in mind. So you're lying in state when you die. Yeah. And you've got, you're sitting on a massage table with an erection under a towel across your midrift.

You're nude. And you're going like this. You're leaning forward going. I'm flying at half miles out of respect from where. Ah! And then hundreds of thousands of people. Weeping. Going around slowly.

Slowly. Schofield's skipping the queue. Of course he is. Skofield's, Schofel watched it against us. Beckham's waited for nine hours to see you your cum face. Yeah. Yeah, I have actually talked about this before.

I do think embalming should come back. I'm a huge fan of embalming. I think it's just fucking sit. It's like, you can just steal historic figures. They're just still there. That's great. Like, I reckon you could just, um, put me in a box in the house that I die in, and then the new owners can have it or not.

Should you keep this? Oh, it's just me. Oh, it's double over. Like when you go to a new place and they've left like an armchair. Yeah. Because they can't be asked to take it home. Oh, the previous owners in a box, in a glass box. Type in Jeremy Bentham at UCL.

So do you know about Jeremy Bentham? He's a philosopher's at UCL. And they've kept his body and he's still viewed as one of the council members of the UCL but as a non-voting member. Okay. So his name's always written down whenever there's a vote. Yeah.

And he's always abstained. Because he's... Fuck off. So when like the UCL, I don't know, I guess there's like the people who run UCL. What's the head between? When they meet for... I don't know whose head that is.

Who the fuck's head is that? Is that his head? Is that a bronze cast of his heads? I don't actually know. So they all meet for a meeting and he's just there. He's just there. That's brilliant, isn't there? That's what I'd love.

Just like something where you're always just there sitting. I'd want to be asleep in like a meeting. So when someone's telling a story, there's just, I'm always. I love the idea that because he's still a member, they have to go, anyone dissent, Jeremy? nothing again alright it's like how the IRA

don't take up their well not the IRA Sinn Féin don't take up their seats in Parliament even they get voted in it for you know oh Christ I'd like to

I'd be embalmed like this so I'm voting yes to something yeah so no matter what it is you can always use me as a yes vote the motion is Jeremy Bentham's a massive gay lord yeah passed

anyway so his head gets chopped off big deal big deal That's like a... I mentioned after when I know it's not... It's just kind of like

everyone doesn't really know how to feel because that's like... Well, it's like when I did live with Apollo and the next morning woke up and I was like, oh... Yeah. Nothing good. Yeah.

Finding your dreams is sometimes one of the worst parts. It's the trying to reach it. It's the silence after the head falls off and everyone goes, oh, fucking hell. Guys. Well, who's going to be in next? Yeah, this is an army that's done this. And by the way, this whole time

people in Gloucestershire, they haven't had a clue what's going on it. No matter who's on the throne, this hasn't affected. That's happening throughout this whole period. Nothing's changed for this guy. No.

The social history of this period is nothing to do with the Civil War. It's mainly to do with massive turnips in fields in Shropshire and Warwickshire. The local news doesn't run this. It's all about Alan's massive turrets. Exactly, yeah. A lot of village fates going on.

Yeah. So they then don't know what to do. basically the parliamentarians there's a power vacuum Cromwell who I don't feel like we've really talked about enough

And this is what it's different from the French Revolution Yeah French Revolution was this passionate kind of uprising from the people To get rid And this

Very smelly And Is a Bowles team Have executed their leader And regret it immediately Right The Shropshire Lawn Bowls Club

Well that was quite exciting. Oh dear. Now what? That's got a bit out of hand. Right. So I think there was a meeting with the parliamentarians and it was just right. Well, no, because there's lots of, there's now, so now the kind of, now the landscape is, Charles I first is fucking dead, right?

So now the landscape is what happens to Charles the second, who's his heir under the monarchy. he's in Amsterdam fucking yeah he's apparently he'd tell the story about the tree oh we need to tell that everyone

yeah just fucking whether they liked it or not you won't fucking believe so right and so the reason we all know about the story of the tree but part of it

is because he wouldn't stop telling it it was like his only anecdote yeah yeah so they were looking for me right and I was just fucking half over true I imagine it's similar to a story when your mate's gone to Amsterdam

yeah and he's telling you a story oh did you get did you get high and go to the Red Light District. No, I went to the Amphan Museum. It's three things it can never be. But we're skipping

ahead because basically Charles gets, Charles First is killed and then they don't know they're like, now the fuck what? So they abolish the monarchy. Yeah. They say, right, none of that. But then they essentially...

This is a council meeting. The council meeting. Right, bin that off. Yeah. And then... Are we doing Tuesday, bin, pick up or Thursdays? Abolish the monarchy. Thursday's a bucket pickups.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, the king's head falls into a bucket. Yeah. We should say that, which is a notable event in the history of the bucket. This is also a podcast about the history of the bucket. Yeah. So, but in the first couple of years after the execution, there are still royalist uprisings.

Yeah. Because, as you say, people are, they're minding their turnips. Who? And then someone says, oh, you know, the king's been chopped. I think, they're fucking what? They fucking what? those people

who call themselves they them they're fucking what are they done in that that big London they fucking they're fucking

so they then go well fine I'm not I'm not standing for that I like that bloke so they go down

and but also the royal the royal like family the royal court is in exile in Holland

but they're doing fucking space cakes they don't they don't know what's going on but every now then every now then they come over and like guys

you've got to go this fucking Holland place it's fucking wild you know your dad's head's just been chopped off yeah fuck that They've got space pics.

It's legal. They've got fucking naked women in windows. This is wild. Anyway. Charles II, Cromwell now is still the ultimate, like, boss man. Yeah.

Military boss man. He just goes apes shit because there's rebellions everywhere. There's rebellions in the north, rebellions in Scotland, and he just fucking... But also, it's like... The New Model Army is just... The way that, like, the BBC News

covers Kudatars in Africa or Southeast Asia, It's implicit with the kind of smug condescension that nothing like that would ever happen here. This is, it's just a military coup. What's happening in Western Africa now, this is all, we've done this shit as well. This is a military coup, a guy with lots of medals.

Cromwell just basically goes, I am decaptain now. Cromwell says, I am the captain. Yeah, so I'm sorry, Charles' head falls onto the bucket and then Cromwell goes, I am decaptain now. And then... Yeah. So he puts down a lot of four... Now, it's in this bill.

I think it's 1651 when Charles 2nd, sober's up for a minute, comes back from being gnawed off by... His dad... Skirby-ridden haws. From his dad from his dad. He goes, fucking out. He goes, fucking out.

Why must be high, isn't it? There was this fleshlight where I was just fucking your head. Charles, that's your dad. What? What? It's amazing. Jesus. I'm going to have to tell this before the tree story.

I've got a second anecdote. Charles comes back. Yeah. That's when the tree happens. Yeah, he tries to have a go at Cromwell in 1651. You know what, mate? Yeah, you know what, mate? I've heard you chop my dad's head off.

That's really not on. That's really not on. He goes for him, but Cromwell's just like, fuck off. Yeah. he's a slaps him with his warty hand he's a dictator really yeah he's a boss

which we don't actually in British history don't really have many we don't talk about him as if he's a dictator everyone goes he's the only commoner ever to hold the throne but he's not well no not throne be head of state

but this is of course this is of course the great irony is that they just fuck out the king off they go well I'll just be king but call it something else identify as whatever it's and also they decided never to go with one of his lot again

Yeah. You know, we tried it once. I tried it once. It didn't work. It didn't work. Sorry. But if you look at British history, we don't have Stalin's or Hitler's. We haven't had many where other countries, you always, in everyone's history, they have like this insane tyrannical.

We have Henry the 8th and this guy, really. But if you're an annoying short hair, you know, then everyone's Hitler. Yeah. Blyer. Yeah. You have bliers and then you have Boris and all that stuff. That's true. Anyway, where are we?

So Cromwell Smashes back. He becomes Lord Protector. Has to come up with a name for himself. Yeah. Lord, I'll become Lord Protector. Lord Protector of the boring. Protector everything boring and dull.

And essentially, he's the only, here's a fun fact, he's the only person ever to conquer Scotland, England, Scotland and Ireland. All in one go. It's pretty good. Yeah. As a game of risk, that's pretty good.

full house but I suppose we should probably talk about what he does on Ireland touch on Ireland and I guess we both listen to the rest of history and a lot of this podcast is misremembering episodes I think the most controversial kind of blind spot of

Dominic on that podcast is his view on Cromwell he's a big Cromwell stand listen I don't mind the guy of course you don't he says Cromwell was robust

in Ireland which is one of the great British euphemisms for genocide describing Cromwell as being robust in Ireland well there's differing academically there's some people who say that he was it was in keeping with the brutality of war at the time

but then you hear accounts so basically what happens is Charles I'm sorry Charles I first is also King of Ireland but the Irish are just you know they are they're fucking angry bog people who want to just fuck. They want a raw dog

and they want to be nonsing. They want to be doing a jig, play the fiddle. They want to have a lot of fun. They want to have fun. They're the funnest Catholics. They're the real fun Catholics. And so it's peak Catholic.

What it is. Meet peak boring. What it is. And in rock paper scissors, peak boring will always be peak fun. It's a house party that's too noisy. Yeah. And then the guy in three flats above.

Yeah, exactly that. heard it, it's just gone midnight. It's just gone midnight. Even though it's Friday night, it's just gone midnight, and he's waited. The bass is making his warts hum. Yeah, yeah. And he's waited still. It's past midnight, and he's gone down. And he says, if you don't shut this music off,

are we going to genocide you and everyone like you? Yeah, I'm going to kill everyone. Yeah. So Cromwell basically spends his time before he becomes Lord Protector, putting down rebellions. And by the way, when you're taught about the English Civil War, this never comes up English people have no idea

this happens and in Ireland it's the biggest deal of anything Yeah which is weird considering what happens later Yeah but for them He's the guy He's the worst English guy

Of all time Yes but I would say Basically he's more of like a He's the front man For England's crimes in Ireland Right If England's crimes in Ireland Right

You've got potatoes on the drums Right yeah Listen we're not giving you potatoes on the drums So he's Liam Gallagher yeah and then so he's not writing the songs like nile but he's belting them out yeah yeah fine yeah and then uh you've got um bloody sundays on bass yeah yeah yeah yeah um so who's the guy in charge of the potato famine who doesn't send them potatoes not it's not gladstone is around at that time is it peel lord protector of the potatoes so charles trevellion yes trevellion yeah yeah so he's on he's on drums yeah

Bloody Sunday's on bass. Yeah, yeah. Cromwell's the lead singer. Yes. But much like, it's like Coldplay. It's like Cromwell's the only one of Coldplay who people know isn't Coldplay. Right.

So you can be the base play for Coldplay and no one knows who you are. All right. So he's, yeah, he's Chris Martin. He's the one who's doing the interviews. He's the one who's dating. He's the one who's dating Quiddeth Poutre. Yeah, yeah.

So, which is weird considering Cromwell would not date someone who makes candles out of Ovidderder. He'd absolutely. Dude, he'd hate that. He'd want a candle made out of an ass, a man's ass. A man's unwashed ass is how he'd get in the mood. So how bad does this one smell?

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Goldfish have short memories. Be like goldfish. So, the fun bog people are having a big old fucking party. It's like the third deck of the Titanic over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're going do it. And they're like spinning people around. And they went on the chair.

And Cromwell's just on the short. Cromwell's on the shores in England going, too loud, too loud, turn it down. I'm coming over there. shut up stop having fun not only does he go over there by the way so do a lot of Scots

and they get away with this a lot oh really the Scots get away with loads of shit it's just like the Irish and the Scots they see themselves a sort of Celtic brothers in Edinburgh all those statues

in the new town slave owners but it's always England it always gets on themselves it's like you guys were fucking loving it yeah Edinburgh's the most like beautiful city in the world

because it was built on all the slave boat gorgeous city yeah Anyway, so Cromwell's looking at the Irish third deck of the Titanic. He's, I tell you who he is, in Titanic, he's Kate Winslet's husband. Yes. With the flappy hair. Well, the guy that pushes people out the way to get on the boat.

He's looking at the Irish jigging, going, well, shut up, stop it. Yes, yeah. So Cromwell gets a huge force, goes over there. I think they land at drogda. Drogba. Dillera. So Cromwell brings Dedeo Drogba over and just fuck so much. Like peak era drogba, 2004, 2006.

No, so, yeah, the, I guess it's ethnic cleansing. All jokes aside, I guess it has to be called ethnic cleansing. If hard-pushed, I don't like the vulgarity, the language there, Finn. But I guess... I'd say it's just a robust policy. It's just robust. I'd just say Cromwell's robust in Ireland. It's just efficient.

I'd say Cromwell was firm He was firm but fair He laid a He laid a firm hand on Ireland Yeah So yeah It's just I mean there's not loads to it

He just massacred Well so he'd been told to just Like fucking clean him all out And bushing all off But he He killed a lot of civilians Women and children And Catholic priests

Yeah Which you could see In his defence To play devil's advocate as a, you could say he's anti-pedo. What, preemptively? Yes. And also probably, I wouldn't say paedophilia started in the third.

No. But I guess they weren't that livid about it back then. You would don't know. Whereas you'd have 12-year-old wives and you could bring them to the pub and people wouldn't say anything. This is my wife. Really? I guess so. Like, because people would start having kids so early. In Britain?

I think so. I don't think at this point. I think if a politician had a 15-year-old wife, most of you would be like, oh, it wouldn't be like a big deal. Because If a politician had a 15-year-old wife When did Peter Philly become a big deal? I thought you could say when did it become a bad thing?

Sort of. Well, sort of. When did pitifulia become a crime? You have to work these things out, remember? When did child abuse become a crime in the UK? Since the start of the 21st century. I guess that makes sense. I tell you.

They just didn't really... Because after the child's rearing years, they're like, it's fair game back then. It was a different time, Finn. No, but you were saying child rearing ends at 12. No starts at 12 in those periods. Who was in the 12 year olds giving birth? Well, they had to work this shit out, remember?

No, you're right. You should cut some slack. Anyway, so Promwell's violently anti-pedo goes in and just massacres loads of Catholic priests in Didio Dragobah which is a war crime by any standards and then it's the same thing of Wexford

he has these massive siege machines which the New Model Army and the Irish are just like you know they're still dancing they just don't see it they can't yeah yeah and just killed everyone yeah yeah yeah yeah so anyway very robust

right that's Ireland done that's Ireland done And then we should talk about what Cromwell, like, what life is like for the civilians, because he does a lot of stuff. Life, he bans the pubs and the theatres and basically the Brits, that's what makes English people keep the monarchy. If he was a better king, we might not have a monarchy now. So from 1653 to 1660, Cromwell bans theatres, plays. Christmas, drinking, and sex, essentially. This is the straightest

Britain has ever been. It never got better to be a straight white man than the 1650s. It's the least European. The least European. This is English true form. England's true form. And this is the most where it's like,

on the continent, none of this is happening. And it's just on this island. What are they doing? This one brave island is outlier. No Christmas. But it's funny, look, he'd have his soldiers go around on Christmas Day. No. Knock, like, bang on doors.

Yeah. And check that there's no turkey in there. There's turkey raids, genuinely. Really? So they'd open it and because it just made sure you weren't keeping a turkey. Is there a turkey in there? Is that a peckler hat? Kill him.

Kill him. Really? Yeah. Christ. I think, weirdly, that they kept opera because opera was boring enough. Opera is fucking boring. Yeah. So they were like, well, that's actually boring enough.

Yeah, you can have opera. Do many activities of band, including. sports, theatres and inns. Women were expected to wear long black dresses with white head coverings and men wore black clothes and short hair. Make up band.

Make people uglier. Make it was bad. Sundays were a holy day and most of work was prohibited. People who were found working on a Sunday go you put in the stocks. So like boss men who run the little shops are put in stocks. Putting stocks and working on Sunday

and walking anywhere anywhere other than church could result in a fine. Make Britain ugly again. Ban makeup. So you walked anywhere on a Sunday that wasn't the church, you'd get fine. So you'd have to be like, where are you going? And you're like, I'm just taking the long way around. I'm just taking the long way around to church.

By the pub. Fast days. Monthly fast days were held to encourage people to folks on God. So he was listening to Dario CEO, I imagine. It's basically like David Goggins takes control of England in the 1650s. Yeah, intermittent fasting just to help your digestion. Cromwell bands everything. Dress. Plain dress was enforced.

Women are essentially in burghers. Yep. Well, it, the weird horniness of Puritans I always find interesting, or in all religions, in Islam as well, it's like, how horny you guys that a woman can't show her ankle

without you busting a nut? Because the ankle leads to the shin and the shin leads to the thigh. Because you could see as these guys are very sexually... To the taint. To the interbellum. To the interbellum. Because you can see these guys is very sexually disciplined, right? But or is it like an alcoholic who's just quit drinking

who can't be anywhere near a pub and has to be that guy? You know, to me, forcing women to dress like this is like to even imagine a woman's shoulder. You're in a massage polo. I'm just, I'm dead. I'm in the mores, Liam. And like, what do you mean? They're just getting so distracted.

These guys, they can't be distracted by anything, right? Yeah. yeah it's too much the power of female body is too much yeah it's over well it's autistic oversimulation there's too many colours anyway it's quite a long time though as well

seven eight years yeah eight years of just no fun no fun at all and then Cromwell dies in 1658 and this is this is incredible I mean it's just so funny that as he's dying he goes oh fuck

right you you're next and he hasn't told his son at all this he's literally on his deathbed and he goes right you're next and his son's like huh and his son's called richard and they all called him um tumble down dick as opposed to tumbleweed dick which is what happens when uh i pull my chastown dick is so small that so anyway so his son's got a micro penis yeah and um he guys we well you've got the smallest dick you're next yeah given that this is rule by small dick right lads i think i'm gonna pass away everyone trousers down and i'll pick minis

Troutes down, smallest dicks the next king Dix out, no bonus, smallest one's king. No, hey, no bonus. No, no, no. Fairfax, no bonus there. So trousers down, no bonus. And so this guy sort of fucked it, right? He just wasn't ready for it.

He's boring, but without the assertive goodness of... He's weak boring. Yeah, he's cuck. He's cuck, he's cuck. Cromwell's strong boring. This guy's weak boring. Yeah, this guy's spring watch, right? Yeah.

He's titchmarsh. he's like mid-morning classic FM he's Dan Walker yeah sure and he can't run a country you can't enforce no one's listening to Dan Walker he's not, Dan Walker's not being robust in Ireland

yeah I'm not if Dan Walker bands Christmas I'm having Christmas I'm having Christmas yeah you got turkey in there yeah you can fuck off

if Alan Hanson's banning Christmas I'm not doing fucking anything if Alan Hanson is the modern day Cromwell yeah it's all the difference Hanson and Lawrenceon Well, Laurison

has got the ugly thing That's what Cromwell looked like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cromwell is Hanson and Loro. It's the personality of Hansen And the looks of Loro. Yeah, it was the old sofa or match of the day Was Oliver Cromwell.

Yeah, yeah. It was Gary Linnaker talking to Oliver Cromwell's two sides. Yeah, I love the early match to the day When it was like, can we get two guys who are not only boring But boring in the exact same way And also incredibly acerbic to anyone who doesn't like football. I love how, like, fascistic they were.

They were like, this is right, this is wrong. Yeah. And there was no sympathy at all. But also, they didn't seem to enjoy football. Hated it. They absolutely, like, Al Hansen was livid. There was something, there was a really funny moment that me and my mates still talk about where Hansen, they're talking about a goal.

Yeah. And it's that thing where someone like jumps on someone and the goal scorer gets an elbow. Yeah. And he has to be treated a bit, but he's fine. And they go, they're talking through the goal and the celebration happens. And then they go, oh, a bit of Alibaldi's and Hansen's goes, oh, you've got to be careful

and you're celebrating. So Presbyterian. So just you've got to be careful and you're celebrating. Because he's Scott, isn't he? Yeah. He's like one of the best football that's got never had.

Yeah. So it's not saying much, it's not. Yeah, it's a bit of taller dwarf kind of thing. No, but, yeah, Hanson, well, he's also, he's in the Liverpool great team as well. Yeah, yeah, no, he was a good player. I can't imagine

Lawrence was anything other than awful I can't I just can't imagine it was anything oh yeah

like in the pub Hanson says something and Lawrence's like well Hanson stepped down to a great fanfare

yeah Lawrenceon was fired Lawrence now goes on podcasts yeah talking about how the BBC

have gone well yeah and he's there we're look at that Laura I remember the tash

he has to have the tash he'd sit like this just like fucking Well, you've got to remember about the BBC as an invention.

When there was four channels, you could put any old cunt on the sofa and people would watch because there's four things on. But as TV diversified and now the BBC has to start fighting off Sky and all these other things, you can't have the two most boring cunts sat on the sofa. You can't have a croquette potato on a couch. So yes, Thomas Cromwell, Richard Cromwell. Tumbleweed dick. Tumbleweed dick.

The smallest dick in Christendom. Becomes Lord Protector and jizzes in the condom sort of. Yeah, and then immediately they're like, right, fuck this, let's get the king back. And kind of everyone, it doesn't seem like anyone's that pissed about it. Well, what's amazing is that they tell Charles II,

they're like, this is shit, the Parliament vote to get a king back. Charles II, they're like, mate, come back and he's still in Amsterdam. I'm like, fuck. I'm king. What the fuck? Like, he ate one space.

Brownie was in a tree for 10 years and then they tell him that he's got to come back and he's king, what the fuck? What do you burn in this shit, man? All right, Barocca now. Barocca, fry up, get me back in the game. And so the, what's

there's no like argy barges really. Not really. What they do is they dig, so they dig up Cromwell, Oliver Cromwell and they put his head on a spike. They hanged drawn quarter of him. Yes. Got you, got you in the end.

it just feels in I mean actually it did it has built the foundation of modern Britain but it also feels completely pointless this whole period oh it's so pointless it's so boring and pointless what was it all for? So after all that you guys then after 15 years

the most boring shit in the world should we get the king back and then it was a vote so was it just like yeah yeah we fucked it but and then Charles came back and he was a bit of a legend right he was just you're shagging about a lot

The Restoration, which is this golden period of, like, restoration comedies, restoration dramas, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, the satire boom. The satire boom. Have I got news for you begins in 1660? Yeah, so, yeah, I think. His Lop and, yeah, I think Paul Merson's in his 70s when it starts. Paul Merton. But Paul Merton, not Paul Merton.

Paul Merton is pissed and hybrid at this point. So, yeah. Paul Merton and, how about his Lop is about in his 40s at this time? he's just starting to lose his hair in 1660 when have I going to lose for you starts yeah so now I think he's 450

oh the daily male a daily male that's right so yeah restoration have I got if I'm going to use for you starts south side boom

and yeah Charles seconds basically everyone they dig up Promwell and they hang him and they're like ha ha ha got you you. It's very British and petty.

And then they sort of, I think they, do they kill some parliamentarians? Anyone who's like, still parliamentarian? Really? There's a little bit of it, but not much. But because they then go, hey, everyone, we've got a king again. And the guy's like, well, I've just been fucking digging a

turret. What do you think there's a king again? Yeah. I just heard there wasn't one. All right, fine. Christmas is back on. And that's it, really. That is, that is it. So really, if I to sum up this period in a word. It's just

yeah. Yeah. It was the most radical thing that maybe happened in politics for a thousand years and then we went back on it immediately. Yeah. Very British. Right, that's the English Civil War dealt with. Delved with. Done. More boring than I thought it would be actually.

Pretty fucking dull. Civil War really gives it a sheen that I don't think it deserves. If you want an exclusive episode every week, the patron for just three pounds a month to become a truther and either way we'll see you next time for a different uh different topic of history this week's we're talking about the greek myths the odyssey and the iliad that's on the patron that's the patron we'll see you there thank you

very much goodbye see you next week Thank you.