Fin vs History - Protestant Therapy is Grinding Your Teeth | The Reformation (Part 2/4)

Episode Date: May 21, 2026

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Hello. And today is part two of our deep dive on the Reformation. Yeah. Martin Luther, a great man. You're loving this. You're a pig and shit. I am a pig in shit. And I don't just mean in this episode. I mean generally.

Thanks to this man, Luther. He has held up a mirror to me and I can see that I'm a pig and shit. Yeah. And you like what you see. It's my own relationship with shit. I don't need some intermediary. It's a middleman. It's a Catholic bureaucracy.

It's your own reading of what the shit means. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I have been given a label finally to understand my own brain. Right. Yeah. Presbyterian. I'm an extremist and I'm just reading back my own history, really.

Yeah. But you're, so hang on. If you're mixed Catholic, so you're mixed race, how does that manifest though? It's sort of like on the scale, if you're, it's also in the straight gay scale, isn't it? Yeah. You drink back coffee.

Yeah. I drink coffee with milk. Right. Say more. Do you know what I mean? And it's like, so I definitely, I enjoy subtext. I enjoy poetry. I enjoy art.

I enjoy visual things. Yeah. But it does get too much sometimes. Right. And I go, all right, that's enough. Yeah, yeah. So I like a bit of gay stuff. I like gay aesthetics, to be honest.

I'm very visually gay. Yes, you are. It's just emotionally, I'm straight as hell. If you could, you would walk down the street in dungary shorts wearing a little necktie. Good. Ooh! Yeah.

But then the kind of. of crying at everything. I don't relate to that. So that's the rare combination that is like, I want to be involved and when we're gossiping, it's all really fun. But when it gets too emotion, I'm like, well, I need to...

When the dicks come out and they're putting people... Yeah, I know that to my friends, too much. So I drink black coffee, you drink coffee with milk. The Italians are putting ice cream in coffee. It's a new level, okay? It's, they are beyond repair. Who is working after that?

Who's going to work, having had a fucking affigato So at 10 the morning. We are deep. Now we didn't really deal with Martin Luther the man. The man the myth. The man, the myth,

my king, my legend. But he is, we find him now at the diet of worms. Yeah, I guess this is your love of German history as well. Martin Luther is a real,

there's something intrinsically German about him. Yes. Yes. The kind of intenseness, I guess. Again, he's the first sort of person. Is there a humorlessness to Martin Luther?

Sure. Of course. A serious. This, yeah. But also. Groundedness to him. You know, there's no element of fantasy. No.

Or like hope. Yeah. There's a realism. There's a, there's a coldness. Yeah. There's a logic. There's a, but actually this. I like it that you say these words as if they're positive.

Yes. The tone you're saying them, but they sound negative. These are my prayer beads. These are my words. Cold. He's boring. You know, it's fantastic. He's not actually, he's not actually, he's not actually.

He's not actually boring. We're going to get into boring next. You think Luther's boring? Yeah. Hold my non-alcoholic beer. I give you John Calvin, but anyway. Now, we're in the Diet of Verms, 1521, in

the First Reich, the Holy Roman Empire. And to recap, Martin Luther has built on the work of Friends of the Pond. He's been running his mouth. He has been running his mouth. He's gone viral. Yeah. He's been running his printing press. Running his printing press. Because this is not him typing, right? No. You have to build.

I don't know. I think you, you build. it's like a piano isn't it you push buttons and they i think how does the print press the you build the type the type and then you press it all that's once it's like a big typewriter it's like a piano and someone pulls a lever and a letter yes or do you build the whole you build the whole thing fuck so you you build the book yeah and then you press the book but i guess you can do that load yeah but it's but then when did they work out when did they work out that a typewriter you could actually write...

What was the typewriter invented? Because I feel like typewriters are quite late given how smaller step it is in logic to go from printing press to tightwriter. 1868. Yeah, that is late. Very late. Because really...

I would have made that jump, I reckon. Instantly. Instantly, I'd go, well, hang on. We can make this more efficient. I'd probably would come up with a MacBook. Yeah, you're right, actually. I would just come up with an iPhone. I'll just come up with chat, JVT in 1600s,

and I would have been like done, yeah. Yeah, so that is interesting that they hadn't quite worked. They had, they made the whole book. The whole book, or is it just pages? It's pages at a time. But then they must have, they must have like 200 plates.

I think they have every letter, this is what I'm imagining, they have every letter in the alphabet, and they build each two pages at a time because it's a two page spread. Yeah. And then if you're making a thousand copies, you just do a thousand of those.

Next two pages, thousand of those. next two do do do so it still takes fucking ages it is it's not actually that good is it yeah but what was the other option typewriter no no before this

but again you know what's this replacing because before this is replacing gossip this is replacing word of mouth yeah no but there's people writing the whole imagine if you want to make a copy of a book you had to write it oh god no no no to write it out to make no one's got anything to do also

yeah uh anyway so the printing press meant Luther's ideas of spread and he has been summoned to the diet of verms by Charles the 5th, the Holy Roman Emperor. Now we should deal with Charles the 5th. Get a photo of him up because he looks insane. Charles the 5th is...

Oh, is this the guy with the Chad jawline? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my guy. So Charles the 5th is a Habsburg and... It's got that fucking Habsburg jaw which is now coming into fashion again, the Habsburg jaw. Well, the clivicular, right? It's like jaw-maxing.

Yeah, but that's not, no, no, no, no, surely that's not. You're saying this is the first, if you're watching, we're looking at a photo. In a way, it's a looks maxer. Charles V. I guess he's incest maxing. He is incest maxing. Yeah. But it means that he's jaw-mogging everyone in Europe.

I'd say he's also downsmogging people. He looks like, I mean, he looks like Richard the 3rd if he had Down syndrome. I mean, he's an astonishing looking guy. But he's also one of the most famous people in European history that we don't really... Yes, because he was also Charles V of Spain. So he owned most of Europe and had the Pope in his pocket. And fucking Mexico, the Aztecs. He's the emperor when they discover...

When do they discover... When's that all kick off? It's around this time, isn't it? The Aztec nonsense is that 1530s? The exact time of... Just before the Diet of Verms, Cortez meets Moctezuma. That is weird, isn't it? So Charles V and this is important.

He's fucking busy. Yeah. He's a busy guy. He's also got the biggest jaw. Well, maybe that's from stress. I got so stressed during my debut, Edinburgh, that my jaw as a click that has never gone. I had that, and it does go.

Does it? It does go. Did you get, was it from Edinburgh? Oh, yeah, I think so. I had a period where I had, yeah, I had, no, it wasn't actually. This is when I woke up, this was after I broke up my girlfriend,

I was dumped, and I, Dear reader, he was dumped I did reader I was dumped And I basically I was grinding my teeth so much at night That at one point Now this is very very Presbyter This is the kind of extremism as I am

Hustle grindsette at night Asleep Granted my teeth so much With I suppose unprocessed stress Or I guess Love grief Or whatever you want to call it Charlie can write some kind of poem

I don't know Anyway I was grinding my teeth at night And then basically I heard this pop And I got a fucking black I woke up with a black I woke up with a black eye. Oh my God. That's about me the most Protestant way to deal with the outbreak.

Yeah, exactly. When you're like love grief, I don't know what the fuck you call it. No, I'm fine. But then you, and then you, and bang. And so I thought, I woke up,

I genuinely thought I'd punch myself in the face during my sleep. And that's what I told people. I went and did old rope the next night and they were like, what? And I went, I think I punched myself in the face in my sleep. They were like, really?

I went, yeah, I don't know. And then a doctor, I basically had like a kind of locked jaw and I had a click. And he was like, I know, that'll be, and then a dentist actually said, no, your teeth, you've been grinding your teeth, haven't you?

That'll be what that is. Right. So maybe it is a Protestant clicking jaw that just happens from a, I basically burst my eye socket from grinding my teeth. But, you know, I didn't need therapy. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine, you know, you can just grind your teeth. You can just grind your teeth.

Like, that is always an option. You know, there is better. Pull yourself up by. your molars. There's better help. There's also worse help. I'm a representative of worse help where you just grind your teeth, you're black eye, and then, you know, time passes and you're fine.

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or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1,8,6. 6-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. I don't, yeah, he is stressed, but he also, he looks absolutely clapped. And this is what is called the Habsburg jaw, which is really, is that really coming back in? No.

No, it can't be. Just the jaw line, the kind of. Yeah, there's jaw line, but that, that's mad. Okay. Anyway, so he's the king of Spain and he's the Holy Roman Empire. and he's sort of a huge figure in European history. We don't really know much about him. Anyway, he is elected in 1519.

And he's elected partly by Frederick the Wise, Luther's sponsor at the University of Wittenberg. So he calls this diet at Worms, and he's like, right, it's all kicking off in the Holy Roman Emperor. A lot of empire, a lot of the princes in the regions are like, oh, this would be great if this Luther guy was right,

because that would mean we could have more power over our regions. So they're kind of latching onto it as a political course. Yeah. So he's sort of... Like Henry 8th eventually did. It's all... Very similar. Yeah.

So, and I should say, actually, we're going to deal with the English Reformation when we do Henry the 8th, which is coming up this summer. Yeah. Separate thing. This is a separate thing. So anyway, so at Verms, Luther's like, I don't want to go.

Yeah. Because you're blatantly going to do what he did to Goose. Yeah. And so 15, 20, Luther eventually goes, okay, yeah, I will go to the diet. And I think he, doesn't he go there Christ-like? Doesn't he sort of walk there

with like barefoot with followers? And he's kind of mimicking Christ. Doesn't he very consciously? It's like a salt walk. Sort of like a salt walk. But he's consciously mimicking Christ on that, whatever March Christ does. So he gets guaranteed safe passage

and then at the diet, Luther gets, they basically like, did you write this? Yeah. And he goes, yeah? Yeah. And then they say... What of it? Yeah, and what?

And what? And what, mate. But they say, do you stand by your arguments? And then he says... Give me a sec. You give me a minute. I just need to go to the toilet. And he takes a day of prayer.

Which is kind of an awesome way to like be asked a question and be like, can I just, can have a couple days? Give me a day or so. I'll get back to you. So he says he's going to take a day of prayer before answering the second. You say it's like the viral Russell Brand moment. Yeah. Rossley.

what he's just there just going through I mean that is absolutely extraordinary television have you watched the whole thing you gotta give Piers's flowers I mean that's an unbelievable moment there it is Morgan's got him there and also Morgan having the the kind of instincts to let that sit the man who interrupts people more than anyone in TV knowing this is the part of it's extraordinary it's incredible hilarious that he interrupts any woman ever and then a serial rapist he just

no here's the floor please don't interrupt don't you interrupt a man while he's looking for a Bible verse don't you're talking about a man complete silence what's that a woman complaining oh excuse me

no I've got an opinion to say yeah but that was that yeah the brand Morgan interview if you've not seen it is the whole thing's extraordinary I've watched the whole thing I've already seen clip

oh it's joyous he's throwing every word he knows out there all of them back against the wall back against the wall fucking shitting out transcendental

yeah it's amazing Anyway, so Luther takes a day of prayer Before answering the second question Which is do you stand by all this stuff And then he comes back the next day And I think he's like literally There's a council of whatever bishops or I don't know They're all like the Star Wars people

Right They're in the clothes And the Emperor Charles Fifth is there And he says unless I'm convinced by the testimony of the scriptures I am bound by the scriptures I've quoted and my conscience is captive to the word of God. I cannot and will not recant

anything since it is neither safe nor right to go against conscience. So he's basically the first person to like bring up the idea of a conscience. Yes. Because there's an argument that Luther starts individualism. Yes. Very much

so. So he's the first person who goes to the church and also having morality being based on an internal idea as opposed to being told to you by a church and a... Yeah, it's the first person who ever said

I'm going to speak my truth. My truth, my lived experience. Yeah, that's very... It's the birth of identity politics. Interesting. The idea of a bound conscience, the notion of an individual's conscience informed by scripture is superior to the authority of the church council of the...

He didn't invent the concept of conscience but he basically elevates it to be on a par part with anything the Catholic Church does. Which is very radical. Hugely radical. Yeah. Yeah, he says that this diet of worms, here I stand, I can do no other.

This, this is like, this shatters, shatters the Catholic world view. So he's basically stood up to the Holy Roman Emperor. So then Luther kind of escapes, sort of, because Charles V, maybe, or maybe. Sees him? Maybe they, like that. Like Lord Farquhar.

Yeah. Seas him. God, seize him. Nah. But I think actually the diet ends, and then they all go. go home and then later Charles the 5th releases the edict of

verms which declares that Luther's an outlaw who needs to be arrested because I think they take time to try and process what he said. Yeah they must do yeah they go home and blow him they should have. They should have crazy they didn't but they say he's an outlaw he needs to be

arrested charged with heresy his works are banned it is a crime for anyone to help him and it is legal for anyone to kill him which is an interesting way of doing it because have they put a hit out on him or they just said If you kill them, you're fine. But if you give them safe passage, you're a criminal.

Right, yeah. Interesting. It's because no one does that nowadays. That it's legal for anyone to kill someone. Because this is saying it's not like legal for law enforcement to kill Luther. Like any old fucking farm. Yeah, it's citizens arrest. Yeah.

It would be kind of fun if there was people like that. Well, there are people like that. They tried to citizens arrest Tony Blair every day. There's the guy. Yeah, but it's not legal to kill him. No, that is different. If they made it so it was like, if you fancied killing, someone.

You had a complete. It's like the purge, but for one person. Is this Kirstama? I don't know. Whoever. Kirstama says it's legal to kill one person. One person.

Yeah. Or whoever. Andy Brown. Get out of your system. Yeah. So in order to protect him, his sponsor, Frederick the 3rd, gets him kidnapped by men dressed as bandits.

And so Luther gets taken to Vartburg Castle in Eisenach. So Friedrich keeps him alive and protects him because Friedrich, wants the devolution of power from the Pope. But also he's a star academic and he doesn't want the university to be, like, disgraced.

Right. So, yeah. Because it is surprising that the most powerful forces in Europe don't kill Luther. But this is also, I think at this time, maybe the Spain are at war with the French

or something, and there's the Aztec stuff going on. There's a lot going on. I mean, he's stressed. He's waking up with a black eye. He's grinding his jaw so much. So Charles V's can't really deal with it. And also,

doesn't have any direct control over the Holy Roman Empire. This is why this didn't happen in Czechoslovakia with Hus. Because there wasn't, they didn't have that local power in Saxony. In Saxony. So, Martin Luther goes into hiding at a castle, Castle Vartburg, Fatburg, Fatburg Castle. And this is where, look, we're doing our best to stay off poo. Yeah, this is what I was, I was reading the plan. I was like, in general, we've had meetings where we were like, look, it's too easy to talk about shit. There's obviously been moments where we've had to talk about it for a while, but in general, we need to

aim higher as a podcast. We cannot keep being lost in the realms of shit. But sadly, the historic relevance of shit, we found ourselves once again having to do probably another 25 minutes on shit. We are a Protestant podcast. Okay, we are all caching shit, and it's fine. Okay?

So just, you know, we are trying to move away from shit. We can't just talk. We do have to talk about shit. can't just talk to a priest about pooing ourselves and then suddenly we're free from shitting no okay this is Luther's great thing we're all in the gutter I have a poo if you like is that Martin Luther King saying he needs to go to the toilet yes uh anyway so he goes into hiding and this is where um he kind of goes mad he grows a beard and bear in mind he has been we he has been,

it's like, he's an intense guy. He's obsessed with his own bowel movements. Yes. Very much like Gandhi. Very, very similar as Gandhi. He's also, it seems like any, his go-to analogy

when he doesn't like something is to call it like shit. So he basically he's calling the Catholic church like, oh, well, your guys are all really pooey. Poopy pants. You mean the poop? Yeah. He's like, Beethoven's brothering it.

Like, the great poop in Rome. so he's quoted as saying that he was in the sewer when he realised that spiritual salvation was achieved through faith rather than deeds and actions he was constantly constipated now while he's in exile he is basically on the toilet the whole time which it must shape a lot of his work

shapes the reformation is his constant it's hard to know how much it is actual philosophical conscience and how much is the second brain as we know now you're right it's the gut Which brain was he writing with? The first or second brain? I don't know.

I feel the kind of misunderstanding of kind of you need fervents. You need kaffir and stuff like that. This is probably the frustration is where a lot of this writing was coming from. So hang on. Just talk me through the extrapolation of Protestant theology from being constipated. Well, if you look at the fury and anger of his writings, because he's hold away hiding in a basement. All he's got is a printing press.

And he's just sending up mad things. The frustration of being constipated, not so. seeing anyone. That colours the type of writing he's doing and the intensity of the writing. And that means that the flame of the reverberations spreads a lot further because of how intense and heavy

the writing here is. I suppose it's keeping things, it's keeping things inside, isn't it? Much like me, just grinding my door to my face explodes. Yeah. I just, yeah, don't let it out. Yeah.

But he's writing from the toilet. Yes, he is writing from the toilet. Yeah. So he invents individualism from... Yeah, much like Gandhi. He's doing test cricket sessions toilet and he is saying revolutionally thought that comes to him. He is divine inspiration on the toilet. Yeah. He's obsessed with poo. So, you know, he does go mad when he's in the castle.

Now, while he's doing this, he's translating the Bible from the original Greek into German. I'm just saying maybe if he wasn't God's supposed to be forgiven the Catholic Church or... Yeah, he might have gone up. It's actually right. I just seen the shit. That would be mad. Yeah, I thought it was because I thought it was the God and devil trying to because he also thinks

keeps having visions of the devil and he keeps thinking because it's such a superstitious age he's feeding all these things he sees a black dog he thinks that's the devil he chucks out of the fucking window

he does chuck a dog out of the window he defenestrate a dog you know and I think he probably just interprets this gut feeling this must be the devil trying to but if he was if he'd cleared out his bowels he might have been last brilliant

so what is it so it'd be like that being called the diet of worms in your poo yeah he'd be like I don't know why I was so angry sorry guys sorry I just I was just, yeah. I just really need a poo.

You're not you when you need a shit. Yes. That's the sort of. So he's in the castle. He thinks he sees the devil everywhere. The devil's in his bowels. He does, as we said,

chuck a dog out of window. But he had no choice. No, he was, he was backed into a corner. Is that the new phrase for pooing? I don't know if it's a euphemism. I think he does actually chuck a dog out of window.

But I think that's symbolic of his frustration that he can't chuck all his poo out his ass. Oh, you think it's a cyphor for me. I think it's a Freudian thing where he, the idea he sees it is represented the shit. he throws out the window. Right, yeah. Because that's what he wants.

Who wants to de fenestrate his shit out is ours? Because this is pre- what's the opposite of the modium? Laxative. It's pre-laxis. We should place this, shouldn't we? Yeah. The Diet of Verms is in 1521.

Yep. So keep it German. It's a, so this is before we basbald Dresden. Yep. Which is in Saxony. Yes, it is. You're right.

Yep. Before Dresden got taken to the cleaners. Yeah. And it's after Caesar holocausted the Saxons in Saxony. Did he? Yeah. You're saying there's a whole? There is another Holocaust.

The Celtic Holocaust. How many are we talking? It's pretty big. One million? I don't know about that. A million is such a big number. 60 BC? Yeah.

That's a lot of people. I don't know about that. I don't know. Anyway, okay. So we're in 1521, betwixt the holocausts. Yeah. Lovely. That's the name of my new book.

Between the Holocaust in Saxony, yeah. Between the Holocaust. So he's throwing a dog out of window. He's writing constantly. He's translating the Bible into German. Scatology. Yeah. What does that actually mean?

That's poo. Is it? Yeah. But I was thinking, boop-a-skit-skat-skal-lis-kassing. Oh, right, right. But funnily enough, scotology is obsession with poo.

Are there any courses in scatology? Well, Charlie's a scotologist. He's a professional scotologist. Or a coprologist. Now coprology is filth. Is that fucking poo? What's fucking poo? Fucking poo is a Charlie's native American name.

Of course it is. Yeah. No, but you can also, what's funny is that scatology is obsession with poo, but eschatology is obsession with the end times, the religious end times. They're quite close. They are quite close.

So, yeah. So if you're an eschatology, you're talking about the apocalypse. And if you're a scatologist, you're talking about the apocalypse. Yes? What if you're a scatisatologist? You're a scat.

You're a... Right. You believe the end times is... Well, drown and poo. Yes, you're right. You believe that when you go to the toilet and poo, the world will end. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's save our poo talk for the amendment of quotes we've got coming up as well. Yeah, yeah, that's true. We've got a lot coming up. But just, just to be very clear because we need to make sure that everyone's on our side.

Coprophilia is the psychological term for a sexual fetish involving feces. Coprophagia is the specific act of consuming feces. Copro. So you're coprophagist. Copro. Copro.

Co-pro. It's co-production. Scatophilia refers to sexual pleasure derived from feces. Often used in the phrase scat play. Scat play. Scat play does just sound

sounds too jazzy for what you're doing. It is pretty jazzy. It's pretty jazzy. There's no structure to it. Yeah. But again, that is all Catholic stuff personally. We are in the missionary-only world. Okay?

Doggy is the devil. Yeah, okay. Okay? Reverse cowgirl is the devil. It's just about missionary. Yeah. Get it done. Get it done.

And do it with a... Don't do it like... Yeah. Do it like you're doing your taxes. Be as bored. Yeah. Also, the female orgasm is Catholic. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. If we're being Calvinist about this, it's just for procreation. So he's a grumpy old poo guy stuck in a castle chucking dogs out of the windows. And he also, now does he marry

when he's in the castle? Charlie. Charlie, Charlie. Charlie. Tell the listeners what you just put on the screen. Tell us what you just put on the screen. A man called Simon packs shit into condoms and fucks and sucks them.

And that's, I mean, I don't think we can't show that. We can't show that. Charlie. Absolutely disgusting, Charlie. That is awful. I think he's in a car as well. Who's letting him in the car? We've got actual historical shit to deal with.

Let's not bring up pictures of shit on Reddit. We've got enough. Sorry, that's one guy three shits, isn't it? That's one guy, three cups of shit. Come on. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, get off. Get rid of it. Get rid of it.

Get rid of it. So Martin Luther is in the car. Sorry, I'm going to be sick. Martin Luther Marys Catherine von Bora Borer Bora

So he's a former monk And she's a former nun Okay Let the dog see the rabbit Let's have a look at her Let's have a vombora She is This is the original Ava Brown

Let's have a look at her Do a bit of Vombora last night I don't hate it It's not too bad She's got a devilish knowing love Oh lovely I actually for the age I think she's a bit of a smoke show. Yeah.

So while he's in there, while he's hiding, obviously the Pope is supposedly trying to find him. Quote, Luther says, almost every night when I wake up, the devil is there and wants to dispute with me. I've come to this conclusion. When the argument that the Christian is without the law and above the law doesn't help,

I instantly chase him away with the fart. He calls the Pope's teachings, farts out of his stinking belly. Basically, if he ever has an argument in his head, about Catholicism, he farts it away. I think he means he's constip... The devil is constipating him. Right.

And so him farting is like... Against the devil. Right. Yeah. The elimination is so hard that I'm forced to press with all my strength even to the point of perspiration. He's sweating on the toilet

trying to do a poo. If it was mixed with blood, then there was a relief and almost a pleasure in pooing so that I was often inclined to defecate and if it was touched with the finger, ititched pleasurably. He's talking.

talking about... And the blood flowed, but it's also like... Martin, why are you telling us this? He's talking about scratching his piles. Yeah, but Martin, why is it, why are you right? Is he printing pressing this? I think he is. Is this his diaries?

Is this being put into the printing press? And the Protestant reformers are like, I don't... Is his diary? I'm Martin, I don't... Yeah, so I suppose... I guess we shouldn't be reading Martin's diary. No, he shouldn't be reading his diary. Dear devil, I have shattered my pants and breeches,

hang them on your neck and wipe your mouth with them. Is this what Anne Frank's diary is about? I've not read that one. Is she talking about this? Anyway, yeah, he's going mad. Yeah, right, pooing in a castle. He's married Catherine Bon Bora, and his friends say that he's just irritable,

and he's getting gout a lot. Yeah. I mean, listen, a 16th century German diet is not one that we... It's dodgy. I mean, we were talking about loose stalls on the Gandhi episode. This is some of the firmest stalls you can get. While he's in there...

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And if you use Spotify, you can watch the whole show too. That's Talk 90s to Me, out every Monday. The United States is the weirdest country. in the world right now. And it doesn't make any sense to anyone. No, it doesn't, but I want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do. Good.

Well, our podcast can help. It's called American Friction, and it's out every Monday and Friday. We discuss all the big news from across the pond and explain it all with world-leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen, right now, wherever you get your podcasts, right now. American Friction! The Reformation, he's kind of like set, he's set something in train. So now I can't remember the names, but there are these guys that basically start

kind of their own like violent Reformation in and around Wittembourg. And this leads to the German Peasant War of 1525, where these movements are inspired by Luther, and they're actually much more radical than Luther. In what sense? They start toppling statues. Right, right. This is the first statue toblers.

Toblers, statue toplers. Yeah. They're like tearing out of churches. They're tearing down idols. They're more kind of towards Calvin than Luther. Luther actually isn't that boring. He still believes in bread and wine. He just doesn't like the political organization of the church.

He just likes the match of boringness. Yeah. He's simply the, yeah. But what I find about the reference. is it's not like often with these revolutionaries they have like a figure who's the figurehead who's the revolutionary and there's a cult of personality he just gets it going and then everyone's doing their own thing and it breaks into a million different pieces yeah it doesn't really have like a focal point in the same way well this is the judean people's front isn't it because suddenly once he ultimately

breaks the monopoly the church has on like authority yeah everyone starts coming out of the woodwork so these guys in vittenberg the zvichal prophets They preach ideas like adult baptism and the equality of all men. Yeah. Right. So this is communist filth. This is Google. Adult diapers sort of stuff.

Adult diapers, exactly. And so the Wittenberg town council asked Luther to return in order to calm the revolts. So adult baptism, which will get onto a lot when we're talking about the Amish, which is that's quite interesting because that's basically saying that you need to be an adult so you can consent to your own baptist. Like Russell Brand. He was baptized as an adult. Right. But then he doesn't...

Because ironically, he needs to consent to the baptism. Yeah. Yeah, so this is the idea that you should know, go willingly into what you're doing. So Wittenberg, Luther returns to Wittenberg in secret in March 5022. And he basically tries to banish the Zvikau prophets and work with the authorities to restore...

Svichau. It's a good band name. Zvikhael. Zvikov. Yeah. So, but the problem is, is that all the new, more radical protestants. They think Luther's going to lead them.

Why is Ian Watkins on the screen? The prophets, the lost prophets. That's why. The lost Protestants. He got killed the other day, didn't he? He got killed in October. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Minute's silence. Friend of the pod. Right, so not this Vickal. Sorry, yes, there's Vickal prophets. Not the lost prophets. Right. Yeah, sorry, I can see what happened now. Yeah.

Anyway, Luther banishes the Zvikaa prophets who were radical, but I suppose, yeah, not as radical as some of Ian Watkins's ideas. I mean, this is where it's ended up. You know. Go on, unpack that one. Take us from 95 Theses to be Ian Watkins. No, no, no, I'd like to see the working. It's your own truth, isn't it?

Yeah, is that how what is. It's your own relationship, you know. He was framing it? Is that how he was framing it? I don't know. Or was he like, yeah. I think it was more like that. Fuck you, man.

Which is. Which is? It is. No, hang on. I'll explain. Go on. I wanted to get onto this actually, but I might as well talk about it now. But being an emo is Protestant.

This is the long road to fuck you, mum. Yeah, to be fair, Ian Watkins wasn't saying fuck you, ma'am. He was saying, yes, but he had his own interpretation on the text. Right, I see. Okay. He read between the lines. I think he misunderstood crucially. I think he was a violently misunderstood man.

But no culture treats their parents with more anger than a Protestant culture. Everywhere around the world, be it Africa, China, South America, the Mediterranean. You're taught to respect your parents and to not question that. But in Protestant countries, you're taught to say, fuck you, mom. All the kind of, where are you? That is Protestant angst. Yes. You know, Hamlet is a very Protestant character in many ways.

You're dealing with your own consciousness and your own relationship with these things. That's not a Catholic thing. It's basically saying, I fucking hate my family. Yeah, you can't do that. You know.

Yeah, you can't. It doesn't really work in the cultures. It's about getting around the table together as one collective unit. But here it's like, no one understands me. Yeah,

they're in the bedroom. Yeah. They don't get me. Yeah, self-harm is prostit. Yeah, it's very much so. Yeah, you're right. I still don't really like the idea that me and Watkins are cut from the same cloth.

Yeah, well, you know. Where was Watkins? He's born in Wales. Okay, fine. Fine. He's Welsh. Yes. So, um, anyway, uh, let's get back to the German peasant war.

Yeah. Rather than the war that Watkins had with his own desires. Sorry? You've got very cunty mugshot. I think that's the least of his crimes. Yeah, I think I'm, yeah. Can we get him off, please? Yeah, come on, Charlie.

Come on. Um, don't know what's worse. Just the amount of Watkins you've had on the screen. or a man eating three poos and the condom. Anyway, so now he's trying to keep the peace, but this is what's interesting, is that this is essentially a,

you know, Luther's sort of a moderate conservative. So it's a social revolution by a moderate conservative. Right, yeah. Right. So he's basically saying he's trying to keep the peace. Yeah. And yet he's let loose this sort of people who want to go much further.

Yes. Yeah. The revolts basically kick off. and this is the largest popular uprising in Europe before the French Revolution. Really? Yeah. So there are these guys called Thomas Munter, Munzer. Yeah, all the names are brilliant.

Brilliant. And Andreas Karlstadt. And he, now Luther says these guys are, is the work of the devil. And he comes out. Even though they're Protestant. Yeah, but they're too far. Right.

This is, you know. But this is, this is, this is, woke Twitter culture, right? Yes, it is. Easy itself. They're not real. They know. Labor, the Greens. thing.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So Luther comes out against the uprisings and many of the rebels then leave the movement, but then there's these massive battles between the kind of authorities,

the Holy Roman princes, and these rebels led by Munster and Karlstadt. And there's the Battle of Frankenhausen in May 1525, which I think is the inspiration for the biggest painting in the world? Is that right? The biggest painting ever.

He's gone for it. I've gone for it. He's hang himself out to drive. He's left his belly open. Oh, here we go. No, it's the Peasant's War Panorama. The largest oil painting in the world. It depicts the 1525 Battle of Frankenhausen with over 3,000 figures.

And it's an East German painting. It's an East German painting because East Germany, during the GDR, they try and claim Munster and Karlstadt as proto-communists. Yes. Well, there is a link I do. feel between Luther and Marx and a lot of these ideas, the purity. If you think about the

communist aesthetic, yes, yes. There's something quite Protestant and might like purity, stripping back luxuries. There's a huge the fact that they're both German. Brutalism. Yeah, yeah, definitely. So Luther comes out against the uprisings

and they get defeated. And so then after the uprising, Luther so peace returns. that's when he marries Bora and he starts a new church known as the Lutheran Church so

And the Lutheran church It takes off in sweet Like where's the Lutheran church today? Sweden Germany and Scandinavia Yeah Because we don't really seem to have Lutheran stuff here Doesn't you don't hear that said We're Calvinist and we'll get into what that is next episode

But Lutheran is this So part of the reason like Scandinavia Is so kind of Always on a level Do you know what I mean? Tempe yeah temperate. They're also

they're more happy with a sense they have a small sense of communalism than the the sort of rabid individualists of Britain and America. It's true. So I got a Swedish friend

and he said that the Swedish mindset is different if you look at any society there's like you kind of can have two or three things which is the sense of you're all together as one state you're all together as one family

and the individual. Yeah. And I think in like Italy it's not as much about the state family, but basically in Sweden it's about the individual and the state,

your collective as a state but not as a family. Yes. So that's where they're kind of different is there. They have, most of them live alone. It's, they don't have like a big family sense

but they are collective as a state. Here, we're fuck the government, fuck the family. Fuck you, mom. Fuck you, Kirstarmer. Fuck you,

Kirstama. Like, that's us, right? Yeah. And America's even more so. Yes. Yeah.

So, yeah, so Scandinator, like social, in Scandinavia. That's why I always find it funny when people are like, oh, why can't Americans?

Why can't we just be like Scandinavia? The Nordic model. Yeah, you are different breeds of humans. You think differently. Yeah. Like, you just two different types. It's never going to happen. It's never going to happen.

No. So, and now Luther has set and trained the Reformation, and we're going to carry on the Reformation story next episode. But what happens to Luther is that he, I mean, much like Gandhi, there's a sort of a stock clock element to him

in that he had this initial zealous, righteous anger that was very captivating and he was sort of this Peterson-esque firebrand.

But then he keeps writing when it's similar to like if he died then maybe be revered like Bill Hicks. Eminem, if he died after his third maybe fourth album

greatest rapper of all time he lived to do maybe five more kind of quite mediocre albums and he's sort of diminishing his own a bit true. If Bill Hicks hadn't died he would just be Joe Rogan.

Like, and yet he's revered now. Yeah, George Carlin's last five specials were pretty poor. Like, yeah, I mean, the back end was. Yeah, but there's still some great stuff in there. Yeah.

Anyway, so now this is, all this is happening, by the way, in the context of the Turks being very close to Christendom. We didn't, should have said that last episode, but part of the reason for the Luther's success is that it feels like the end times, because the church so corrupt, and the Muslim, the Ottoman Turks are like encroaching on. Was that 14?

Santa Noble have fell 14 to something So now he believes that the Ottoman Turks had been sent by God to punish Christians to bring on an apocalypse And after reading a Latin

translation of the Quran Luther publishes several works from what he calls Mohammedanism Well that sounds like Britain first Talking about what's happened to London Siddiquistan's Mohammedism He said Islam is a tool of the devil

not my words, okay. But, but which should be left mainly alone. Interesting. And he was against the ban on the Quran to allow it to be scrutinized. That is interesting. What did he think about...

He's quite a moderate man in some ways. What do you think about the burqa? What did he... He says leave it so he can scrutinize it. Yes. You should be allowed to make fun of it, but he should not ban it. That's what he probably thought.

What did Luther think about the burkini? I think the burkini would be so many steps that would blow his... He might actually find he passes... A bowel movement. He sees a woman in a burkini. I quite like the burkini for men. Right.

Okay, go on. There were definitely periods of my life, you know, such as when I was hovering behind Emma Watson. Ears. When I was hovering behind Emma Watson like Gavin Plum, okay, there was eras where I would have really liked

a burkini to go swimming in. For modesty. For modesty. Okay? Because I've said this before. The straightest man men, men there are, they don't go topless ever. They wear

skin tight wetsuits when they're in the pool. They make them look more naked. But it's about modesty. It's about giving their wife a chance to not get too horny. Letting other women who are not your wife to your naked body.

My disgusting flabby, soft belly torso is my wife. It's not for these random tourists. I would have appreciated that. you know since the great stretching since my personal trainer was that 1054 no that was the great schism the skisdism was 1054 the great stretching was probably

it's probably about 2006 right okay since the great stretching since my personal trainer has helped me get up the stairs I am now much more comfortable being topless in a pool environment but there were an era of my life

where I would have very much very very greatly liked a burkini so I've empathy for a younger self and for other young fat tailors about I don't think Muslim women should wear them. I think Christian fatties should. Right. Okay, that's my position on the burkini.

Anyway, so, yeah, Luther's, but to be fair, I don't know how much, when people were like, oh, he had complicated views on Muslims, everyone at the time had, people have complicated views on Muslims now. I mean, they're two entirely different world views, right? Are people trying to cancel Luther for? No, what we're about to do, what we're about to go through is. In the 1500s, I don't know if you can.

Yeah. Is he got, what's your own Jews? This is fucking Saxonistan. Fucking German-Inerstan these days. You can't drive around Saxony. Can't drive a fucking Ford Transit around Saxony now. You're the fucking Sharia Ulez. No, he's not going on about that.

But we get to probably his most controversial writings. He wrote several things about the Jews, which when you said about anyone, you think it's never going to be love letters, is it? Is there anyone who's, like, got some writings on the Jews that have not read... Not the 1500s?

They've not... No, just ever. Any... Anyone's ever written about the Jews. Is it ever good? Okay. Do you know what I mean? Is it ever complimentary?

Let's pull the band-aid off. What's he saying? He calls for the burning of all synagogues and to exile all Jews. Right. In his work entitled, quote, on the Jews and their lives... And he was considered a moderate at the time. He's a... Yes, he's just got the searing clarity of Errol Musk.

So he targets the Anabaptists, which is later becomes the Amish and Catholics, but it's primarily an anti-Semitic work because the Nazis, they referred to the work as one of the most, quote, radically anti-Semitic things to be published ever. Wait.

They're saying that as if it's a good thing. Right. Okay. But if they're saying that's anti-Semitic, that's, if they're like, they're like, fucking chill out, mate. Christ, I mean, I agree, but woof. And that's the Nazi party newspaper

which is called De Stürmer, which is not Kirstehrmner, which I can already see that would be a riff that some people will comment on. Kirstehrmere. Obercomandandant Kirstehmer. Anyway, so it was displayed in a glass case at the Nuremberg rallies

and that specific work was given to the editor of De Sturmer as a birthday present in 1937, much like, you know, there are a, patron members who send me Nazi memorabilia that they stumbled across. I do have a relics.

I do have them. I do have, yes. You are becoming into... I am getting into... Hitless farts in a jar. Hitler's bath, what? Yeah, I do. There are some relics that I'm interested in.

But again, this is, you know, it's like Protestant relics are World War II bullets and spent casings. Because that's our religion. But I'll get into this more, but I was listening to an industry podcast that was saying basically how this country's Protestantism

has really died down in the last 50, 60 years to the point where it's blended a lot with Catholicism, right? With Anglicism, I guess, yeah. Well, I think loads of fixtures of British life are becoming more Catholic in ways that they would have never been 50 years ago. For example, gay pride. Gay pride.

When Princess Diana died, the outpouring of emotion, the deifying her as a saint, the relics, and all of the teapots. The teapots, all of that. That was a very Catholic response. Very Catholic. And wouldn't have happened 50 years earlier.

No. So it's more that the Protestant philosophy is definitely dwindling a lot. Well, listen, the whole mental health thing, therapy, right, is confession for Protestants. Ah, fuck. Damn. Isn't it? Cooking.

You go and talk to a box. Don't call it that. Or whatever. It's, it's, Protestant, you know, they're selling therapy as if it's some new thing. It's just, it's just confession, isn't it? Yeah, fuck. But it's for people.

But it's been done with the Freudian scientific background so you feel more right about it. Yeah, exactly. It's not spiritual. No, but no, but it's trying to unpack. It's scientific. No, because a Protestant has sinned, like, from birth, that's Luther says we're all, it's impossible for us to get our way out of sin, right? So what a therapy, what confession, therapy does, if it's confession, is go, well, this

is your original trauma. This is your backstory. This is your childhood trauma. This is you didn't pass your anal stage. This is your villain origin story. Yeah, exactly. And so that is, whereas a Catholic would go, oh yeah, today, I'm sorry. And he goes, yeah, you've, you're, you're free. And he goes, okay, brilliant. All right, I'll probably do it. And do it again. Because he's not looking to be cured. No. He's just looking for a pass. And he's also like, I've been a fucking bad boy. There's a horniness to it. Yes. Yeah. It's like I've been a, it's the Catholic, Catholic drama, you know,

these things, there's a cinematic nature that the veil between you and the box. And it's just like I've sinned father. So gay. Are you going to punish me for being such a bad, bad boy? And they do. And they do. And they kind of love it. There's a lot of institutionalized pedophilia in the Catholic Church.

Is that? Yes. But the way you were talking about it was that you sort of victim being by them by going, I've been a bad boy. So, yeah, anyway, yes, you're right, Princess Diana's, the grief was, yeah. It's a Catholic response. It is. The country's, but, and she's British. What are you doing?

Her name wasn't fucking Diana. Yeah. He also talks about what he wants to happen to the Jews is the all to be burned. He is sort of thinking about the Holocaust, like at a time before that's even a thing. yeah he's a very modern thinker and Hitler basically you know because Hitler's trying to create

as we said in the last episode a Germany that is like feels like a country more than it is because when Hitler's in power in Germany Germany is what 40 years old 50 years old he's trying to tie Luther

into the German story and Luther's basically sort of like firing out ideas for a he's firing a lot out he is well he's not firing a lot shit out that's the problem a lot of ideas but but yes

So he lays the intellectual seeds for Hitler, Hitler's anti-Semitism. Damn. Anyway. And this is your favorite guy ever, right? I think this is the greatest man ever. Yeah, yeah. The proto-Hitler who couldn't poo. In 1933, the Nazis celebrated, quote, German Luther Day to link the Protestant Reformation

with the Nazi Revolution. Well, you've snooken me there. Phoebe, you've snooked me. All right. You've got me. A three, so with two beautiful women. Luther and Hitler. Rock, hard place.

I couldn't choose between them. Why can't we just all marry each other as a three? But so Nazis were not a religious movement, though, and they didn't tie religion in that much. No, but as Tom Holland says, on our disabled sister podcast, or rather our able-bodied sister podcast. Luther's train of thought leads to

atheism because if your own relationship with the God is that you think it's bollocks but that's what you think and that's your conscience then that's the most important thing so you think it's bollocks. The logical end point of the Reformation is atheism is Ricky Jervais

and that's why there's more Protestant countries are far more atheist than Catholic countries and eventually why Catholicism will far outlast the Protestant Revolution in a thousand years time, I suspect. You say that, but Ireland is essentially Protestant now. I mean, Gayhill can get married and, you know, you can't kill babies. That's a small country, though. If you think about the power of the Pope...

What even is Ireland now? You can kill babies. I mean, what's going on? Yeah. You know? Yeah, I guess so. I mean, Ireland's one example, but I think that because Protestantism, it's breaking. offers these small little sects.

Those sects don't have the history and tradition and the staying power that the Catholic Church does. Now when you have the new election of the Pope and there's the celebration of the thousands of years history, it's a church that thinks in centuries, not in decades. I think as a through line to the past, that's made it so strong, whereas what you got, Amish, you got Methodists,

you got, like this is all sort of fading away. And also people have lost conviction because there's no rituals or tradition in these churches. It's about your own relationship. Well, it's just therapy now, isn't it? It's just therapy. But also you don't need God anymore with Protestantism. No.

You don't really need it because you're constantly, it's a constant act of stripping away things that corrupt your relationship with God. Get rid of all the stained glass windows, get rid of all of that. And eventually it's like, might as well get rid of God. Exactly. I've got rid of everything else. But because there's no rituals, it doesn't have the sense of tradition. And I think eventually that will mean the Protestant countries will just be atheist and the Catholic.

Central tradition will maintain still exist. Yeah. Far longer. But they're also probably going to outbreed us. I love this. They will not replace us. I love this sort of level of like right wing where it's like, it's great replacement.

It's a great replacement. It's about Catholics. It's not even. No, it's about the wrong type of white. That's how niche it is. It's white on white violence and we must fight back against the Catholic menace. The great replacement. He thinks priests, to be fair,

to him, again, he's thinking of the Holocaust before that's even a thing. Okay. He thinks all Catholic priests to Sodomites. Again, this man is a prophet. He writes... He's getting visions on the toilet. He is. He's psychedelically constipated.

Yeah, he is. He's putting so hard that he's on mushrooms, right? He writes that Cardinals are trying, quote, not to keep as many boys in the future, but that it was well known how openly and shamelessly the Pope and Cardinals in Rome, practice sodomy. Fucking out. Cook King.

Damn. He's firing off warnings 500 years ago. Shit. It's an open secret. It's an open secret. Luther, I mean, how much more of open can you get as an open secret? Yeah.

So Martin Luther ultimately dies in 1546. And one of his final words that he says to his wife is... This is beautiful this one. This is beautiful. Yeah. And this is, I think... Because he's a great writer. He is, and he's an eloquent man.

And he's, you know, he's very articulate. This is his final words, quote, I'm like a ripe stool and the world's like a gigantic anus. And so we're about to let go of each other. Listen, guys, Protestant poetry's not good. All right? I've never said it is.

I don't understand poetry, okay, because I'm Protestant. Protestants can't handle subtext. I actually disagree with you on that, though, Because Protestant art, where it is good, is non-visual art. Because it's not about the aesthetic. Tracy M and doing a poo on the floor. Yeah, that's Protestant art. But it's not just that.

It's all about literacy and reading the Bible. So they're more literate cultures and more poetic cultures, the Protestant cultures. Because America, Britain, Scandinavia, it's a more about. the written word as opposed to what you go to tradition yeah more as opposed to

going to a church hearing Latin and seeing these beautiful images which leads to more visual culture yes so I'd say that's actually a split can you try and say it

as beautifully as you can like how can he say it in the how can he polish the third of that as his final words say it as kind of so he's wrong to death

emphatically as you possibly can in a German accent yeah I'm like a ribed stool and the world's like a gigantic anus and so of it about to let go of each other. It's romantic. It is romantic. Again, this is a Protestant man trying to be romantic.

But it just seems like he's, he's been trying to have one shit for 30 years. And it feels like he knows that finally he's going to have that shit and he will leave this mortal coil. This is like the end of his, now he's done that poo. His job is done. My work is done. Yeah, he leaves, rather than saying, rather than saying,

I think you should give that 10 minutes, he goes, my work here is done, and he just dies. He ascends to heaven. Go on what have you found, Charlie, we know. The longest anyone's gone without purring is 45 days from 2013 involving a 28-year-old woman.

Where's she from? She is from the north of England. Really? North of England? Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful, isn't it? That's good stuff. These severe instances often require surgical intervention

for quote, fecal mass removal. What do you have a fucking caesarian? Christ. C-section for a poo is you've really, you've really lost life, I would say. I don't think, look, I don't want to die at shame anyone.

You know, I've been through my own struggles. But if you're having to have an elective C-section for a poo, you're a fucking idiot. All right? you really Yeah and you should be ashamed that you've had to put the doctors through that because these surgeons should not

How am I paying for that on the NHS? I mean that's an argument for private health care. Christ. Pooper. Pooper. Jesus Christ.

Awful. So Luther dies with his touching last words about how he's finally going to have a poo. He believed he maybe died of a stroke or heart attack. He lives for 62 which is pretty old for pretty good innings. for 1546.

Now, the Reformation that he's set in trail carries on, but in 1555, a fragile peace is signed, the peace of Augsburg. And this is an attempt to prevent more religious conflict between Catholics and Lutherans. It formally divides the Holy Roman Empire into Catholic and Lutheran states, and it's the first time where you ever say,

hey, there's a Latin phrase for it, but it's your state, your religion. So you practice whatever religion you want. So if you live in Bavaria and you live in, your prince is Catholic, you're Catholic. That's why Catholic. In your head, do you think Germany is a Protestant country?

Well, it is, but it has these southern Austrian Catholic. But that's because of this, right? But the crucial problem with the peace of Augsburg is that it does not recognize Calvinism. Right. What is Calvinism? You think Luther was boring and poory. In our next episode, we're going to get into my intellectual air, or rather I'm the intellectual air of him, my ancestors.

John Calvin and John Knox the Presbyterian The head of the fun police These guys are The Christian Iranian morality police Right Of which I am a member Okay

That's in our next episode Now the rest of the other two episodes Of this series are on the Patreon already Patrons will be able to get access to that Now for three pounds a month We are the biggest in the country Come on extraordinary Absolutely extraordinary

We beat Hamas And we're hurtling towards the Taliban We are going to take on the Taliban. The Taliban, I think, what was it? Again, I believe active fighters, 90,000. Yeah. It's a big aim, but we've got to aim high. We may have to have an alliance with the...

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Yeah. While ours is going up. Now, do you think that's because we are getting active high house members? No, there's a, okay, core. We'll get core fighters. As of early 20 to 26. Right. But that's the takeover.

strength. They think they, yeah, to be fair, they are getting bigger Taliban. It's going to be tough. So are we? We're getting bigger. Right. So let's just say 150,000 Taliban fighters. Okay, guys, we are project, let's say 20, 306. Okay. And to celebrate, as soon as we past 150,000, we are retaking back Afghanistan. We're taking, we're taking Kabul. All of us together. Yeah. All of us. We're going to take them. We can take them. Man for man, we can take them. So sign up to the patron, which will be seen as, uh, joining. the draft to take on Kabul. And we are going to implement a regime

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