Fin vs History - Protestcaust | The Reformation (Part 4/4)

Episode Date: May 28, 2026

Peppa Pig’s Doing Poppers In Berlin. The Reformation (Part Four) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor  This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh    Chapters: 00:00 - Eat, Pray Ignore Your Wife 05:11 - Am I Gay Or Not 08:27 - The One Sky Policy 12:19 - Spanish Protestants 17:35 -  Girl Who Cried Whenever 25:03 - My Fat Guy 33:07 - It’s A Trap!  36:30 - Element Of Gay 39:33 - Farage’s Origin Story 43:52 - Charlie..  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I'm with Horatio Gold. This is the Counter-Reformation. It's part four. It's a very sad episode. Very, very tragic stuff this. The Empire strikes back. The Protestant Holocaust. The Protestant Holocaust.

Numbers that you believe. I completely believe. Why would you doubt these numbers? And they're staggering. Yeah. You would write a denial of the denial, if you heard someone deny this. I would, I would like to open a debate. The political, the protocol?

Protocust. The protocol. Proctorst. To summarize events, the, um, the filthy, disgusting rotten Catholic church had been bravely. To put it mildly. And I had been bravely challenged by Martin Luther and my own personal hero, John Calvin. Yeah.

But by the 1540s, the Catholic Church have. It's five years. it's a kitchen, it's an afters, everyone's on pingers, everyone's on Coke, and Martin Luther's open the curtains. And he's covered in poo. Yeah. Yeah. Right streaming in,

and it's just the birds are tweeting, and now it's like, right, we've got to stop all this nonsense. Stop chatting shit. Yeah. You go to bed. Yes, yes. Go to fucking bed. I genuinely, it's like when I went to Charlie's 30th,

I felt like Martin Luther. In this rotten, you know, indulgent. all Charlie's friends, you know, they're all trans and they have no eyebrows. Finn has been quite confused because so many of Charlie's friends have no eyebrows. I'm just confused. I don't know if it's an alopecia thing. You don't know if it's an apolitical thing. You don't know if it's a political statement.

Could be a political statement. You don't know if they're on loony tunes and they've tried to deactivate a bomb and it's exploded their eyebrows off. I don't know what they think. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so the Catholic Church start to notice that they're losing the grip on the Holy Roman Empire. And so they initiate the Council of Trent. Train at Alexander Arnold. Ladies, calm yourselves. Okay.

There were episodes where we talk about engineering issues. And again, you know, in the Chernobyl series, we talked about nuclear fission. Many ladies left the house during that without spare pants and their days were ruined. I'm giving you a chance now. It caused them engineering issues. They had their own engineering issues. They had their own fishing problems. I'm warning you now that when we're...

we get into the Council of Trent, similar issues will occur. Yeah. Okay. This is not stuff to be taken lightly. Now, the Council of Trent is an 18-year council.

Theological meeting. Right. An 18-year-long meeting. I guess you don't have loads to do in those days. No. But this is an 18-year meeting as how should we respond to Martin Luther's book. Right. It really does go to show that the upper hand the Protestants have,

with printing press. The Catholics had an 18 year meeting. There was a result of this council of Trent. They work out what they think. Right. In response to Luther's challenge. They say that the faith is not the only thing. It's also the church.

Yeah. 18 years this took. The communion is actually the blood. Well, guys, go back in there until you come up with a better idea. It took 18 years to just double down on the fact that actually is, but that's bollocks. That's absolute bollocks. They say the seven sacraments are to stay in place.

What's that? Now, again, this is a Protestant podcast. Yeah. So the sacraments are baptism, confirmation, Eucharist, penance, anointing of the sick, holy orders, and marriage. Yeah. What are the Protestant sacraments? Work, sleep.

What is it? Eat, sleep. Yeah. Yeah. Pray repeat? Yeah. Yeah. Eat, pray, love.

Yeah. Except don't love. Yeah. Don't open yourself. Eat and pray. Sleep. Don't feel anything. Clench your jaw till your face explodes.

Ignore your wife. Shake your kids' hands. No, I'm not dad. I'm sir. They say the Latin translation of the Bible should be continued to be prioritised. And they would still do indulgences, but they were not allowed to be marketed. Right. So they won't have to be like sponsored content or part of a brand deal.

No, no paid advertising. Okay. They also banned relatives from being appointed to church positions and they said that bishops had to live in their diocese. Right, they didn't want a roaming like false nine bishop. No, they didn't want like when an MP is not actually from the area and they get parachuted in from Westminster. But they also found the Jesuits,

the shock troops of the Counter-Reformation. These are mass missionaries who they basically go and spread the gospel of sin to try and break up the Protestant states. So we get to the Roman Inquisition of 1542. This is where the protestors begins. Okay. Is this because it's like the beginning of the wars of religion that's still sort of going on now in some ways? Is it still going on now?

now it's now it's Christianity versus Islam yeah I guess so is there Protestant Catholic I mean there's tensions in Northern Ireland but was that the last embers of it there's the old Celtic Rangers

I guess is as close as it gets but that's football isn't it yeah that's a spectator sport sure you know this is a spectator sport for some people this episode will challenge how much of a spectator sport this stuff is

so the Roman Inquisition the these are the I mean at this point in sort of 16th century the Holy Roman Empire I was Spanish. I think it's still Charles V. Get a photo up of Charles the Fifth. Charlie, let's have a look at this jaw.

It's this guy. He basically, Spain is like a rogue state. And he sends his sort of spies across the empire to, fuck me. Close. That's, right. So he's like,

we're looking at a photo of Charles the 5th. What's the noise that you think when you hear that? Ah. I think it's well, excuse me is any experience in life that would cause you to make that

a face? Could you ever see yourself making an expression? I think that's what Finn's face was when he came to your 30 What your eyebrows? Are you trans? Finn meeting some with the Vintel eyebrows What are you thinking? Are you pissed off at me? I can't tell And what gender are you either? I don't need to know

but if I'm attracted to you and you're a bloke I need to know if I'm gay that's why I need to know that's the thing about gender neutral I know it doesn't matter you did panic and go around asking everyone if you're gay am I gay?

No it's when people say they're gender neutral it's like that I know you don't care but if I'm attracted to you what does it mean for me? So are you saying only ugly people should be gender neutral? I'm saying there's a level of ugliness where it doesn't matter

but if you're hot you should be gender neutral because it implies a lot for other people. You can say you're gender neutral but I need to know. It's like the Italian it's that brilliant who's that Italian comic who's got that bit about it?

Philippo. It's this real where it's guys like in Italy if you're gender neutral we say leh gender neutral if you're a bloke or lash of neutral if you're a woman because in romance languages you can't actually

everything has to be gendered gendered so yes I suppose that's how I look at Charlie's What are you actually? I need to know if I'm gay or not. Yeah, so he's, he's, at this point in history, Spain is a rogue state.

It's basically 16th century Israel. In that it's like, it's causing chaos in violation of international law. Okay. Right. Charles V, that guy has got a network of spies. Yeah. Who he's sending out to quell Protestantism, the good guys. Right.

Okay. So it's like he's got their own idea. Mothad. Yeah. In Mothad. Yeah. And he's sending Mothad all over the Holy Roman Empire to quell Protestants. So one of the most famous examples of this is Galileo in Italy who, now he builds a telescope.

When was Galileo? This is in the sort of early 17th century now. Okay, right, right, right. He builds a telescope and he sees the moon like in more, and now this is not high definition. No. This would be like he sees it in fucking 360 rather than 1080. Dangerous if we start talking about science again. Yeah.

Yes. Sorry. So we'll be very careful with us. This is 17th century science. I think we have to back ourselves that we can, you know, it's a telescope and he can see the moon clearer than anyone else has. Right. And so he sees this.

Did he make the telescope? Why are you asking me that? Why are you asking me that? And what was he trying to make? I don't really. I don't know. Look at the state of that telescope. I don't know how a telescope works.

I don't understand how he sees. on the moon in the 17th century. I don't understand it. But he was trying to make a quick shot launch and it was sort of like when they invented penicillin, when they discovered penicillin. Right. When he left an old mouldy sandwich out

and it moulded into penicillian. He was trying to make the quick shot launch masturbator. And he happened to be, and he looked through it and goes, hang on a minute. This has got like, yeah, this has got like 10 times. You know that, you know that famous TV shot

of the guy that walks across and times it perfectly with that, you get this and the rocket launches. Yeah. It's that, except you get this and it's just a guy going, the background. Yeah, so Galileo didn't invent the telescope, but he made significant improvements. 30 times magnification.

It magnified it by 30 times. So he sees that the moon's got craters on it. Yeah. Which then, now I think maybe the Catholic Church, they've been operating under this thing called like the one sky theory or something. Right, so it's like the one child policy. Sort of in that they're like,

the moon doesn't have, I don't know, but the fact, again, everyone's... The fundamental thing is that everything revolves around the earth? Galileo is a heliocentrist. Right, so he's sort of... He's Nick Clegg. He's Nick Clegg, but he thinks that the Earth revolves around the sun. Right.

And the Catholics are like, no, that completely fucked everything. That's bollock. What do you mean? You're mental. Get off the fence. Pick aside. He also sees that, is it, Jupiter has moons? Mm-hmm.

And then, so the moons... What, through his telescope? Again, don't ask me like I fucking know. I don't care. I'm not like our patrons will have telescopes in their bedroom. And they'll be pointing it down towards their neighbor's house to look at their daughter. They're not looking up.

But he finds out that if Jupiter has moons, that means not everything revolves around. Not everything revolves around the moon. Not everything revolves around moon. Slamming the door shut. Yeah. I don't know what he, I don't know what. I don't care, all right?

Right. But the point is, is what he finds in his little telescope, it means that it contradicts some of the stuff in the Bible that implies that the earth was just flat. But again, this is a 2000-year-old book. So they torture him. How do they torture Galileo?

I think they put him on like a rack or something. It's just your personal trainer, right? He was physically, he was not physically... Psychological pressure. Oh, okay. No. Listen. Well, that's, look, because the whole thing about Galileo is that he recanted

all the things he said because he was tortured so much. and it was like an old man. I didn't know it was just peer pressure. And he was grounded for nine years. No, but listen, this is devastatingly said. The Catholics, you know, this is awful. In some ways, you know, you can withstand physical pain, but psychological torture. That's far worse.

Far worse. Okay. Maybe he was cock and bull torture. Maybe it was piss play. We don't know. He was confined to his house. He was put under house arrest. He was shown the instruments of torture to intimidate him into a campaign.

Oh. Look at this. Basically, Spain, Charles V are Mossad, or maybe they're Iranian, it's Iranian proxies. Now, the Spanish Inquisition had been founded in 1478, and it had been focused on enforcing Jews and Muslims to become Catholics. Right. Makes sense. Makes sense. Makes sense why they'd want to do that.

Yeah. What's this, the Spanish Inquisition? Yeah, it is actually, Charlie. Yeah. However, once the Protestants come into it, they start to clamp down. They use the same tactics on these poor, innocent, you know, hardworking troughs.

So you have Protestants in Valladhoid and Seville. Well, they shouldn't be doing anything there, too honest. I do think if you're Protestant in Spain, what's going on? What are you doing there? Are you on holiday? Maybe they're on holiday. In which case, this is even more tragic.

Yeah. But it's funny to, it's the same. The Benadorm, I guess, is a Protestant outpost. Thank you. You're right. So there's like a safe zone. That's Protestant Spain. Protestant Spain is Benadorm, it's Tenerife.

You know, this makes sense. Yes, it's fucking full English for fucking dinner. Yeah, Irish pub. Irish pub. Yeah. This makes sense. You know, plastic chairs, bald guys sitting there, getting pink. Who's the famous person who's in Benadorn?

There's that old lady. Bibo. No, is it? Bivo went to Benedorm. time. Kept getting abused in the street. Well, look, it's hard to be Protestant in Spain. It is hard.

I don't have Bevo's Protestant. He doesn't know he's Protestant, but... He swallowed it's like a Protestant. Yeah. Fucking... No chew. You know the rules? So, yes, because...

You're right to think that Ben and Donald's Protestant in Spain because the Spanish Inquisition labelled drunken mockery as Lutheran. Right. And eating meat on forbidden days was heresy. Such as Fridays. You're right. And that really this is a battle for the soul

of Spain. Right. And we are now left with, you know, mainland Spain, was sort of original Spain. Yeah. And then these few brave outposts, these settler states.

Yeah. Yeah. Of Benadorn, Tenerife. And I don't know, really, I don't know. Canary Islands? Canary Islands, maybe. Majorca, Monorca. Yeah, exactly.

They're safe for us to travel to. Yeah. But they, you know, they also ban, they start banning books. And they have an index of all these pages that are, all these titles

that are forbidden. What books do you like to ban? What books will I ban? Why I'm no longer talking to white people about race. I ban that. Right. Banned.

Banned. I'd also ban. Women don't know you pretty? Women don't know you pretty. Banned. Banned. I'd also, there's several books that my... I'd love to see the colour of the books

on the part. that you're burning. Very colorful. Very colorful. Be pink, poppy, like, all this sort of pop feminism stuff. Yeah, exactly.

White feminism, ban. Now, I'll tell you what I would actually ban is the several kids' books that I would ban. What, woke kids' books? No, no, no, no, not woke. Just I don't want to read them and my kids always make me read them.

What? And they're fucking boring. The enormous turnip. Banned. Burned. Done. Done. What's another?

Oh, Bing. Bing can fuck off. What's Bing about? I don't. Bing is a cartoon of a rabbit who's a fucking wetter, right? And he's always going... So he's bad lessons?

Yes, yes. And he's with flop. And he's with flop. How do you know this? I know about Bing. Yeah. These, well, this is Charlie... No, this is Charlie's reading this.

How do you know about that? Because he reads, he reads at night. Okay. Hey? He's famous. Yeah, well, it's a TV show that they made into books. Right, okay.

But Bing can get in the bin. Right. Bing's awful. Bing's boring. Yeah. Bluey's brilliant. Blue is great stuff. You can watch Bluey without kids and really enjoy it. Is Percy Pig good? Pepper. Pepper Pig's fucked.

My mate lived with Pepper Pig. Which mean lived with Pepper Pig. My mate honestly lived with Pepper Pig in Berlin, the person who voiced Pepper. Berlin? Pepper Pig lived in Berlin. Pepper's in Berghine. Peppers in Berghine. He found out he was living with her and then he kind of asked her what she did.

and then eventually it became clear that actually... And she went... She's pepper... She voiced Pepper Pig. And she lives in Berlin. Pepper Pig lives in Berlin, the voice of her, pepper. I mean, this is... Pepper.

Yeah. Lips in Berlin. Yeah. Not Papa. Pepper. Not paupers. Popper pig. Pepper's doing poppers in Berlin.

Right, well, this has changed. I can no longer have that on my screen. If I know that Pepper Pig is fucking in Bergheim... How old is pepper? Pepper is about our age. About 29. This is, this is not a She? People need to know this. Heber's lady, yeah. People need to

Sending it. She's sending it, yeah. Fair enough. She lives in Berlin. Yeah. She's having it large. Berlin is not, you know, Berlin is not a Lutheran city? No. Is it? No. It's godless. Yeah. Well, that's, that's pretty, I mean, I'd ban that then. Yeah. Ban that filth. Anyway, so the Catholics ban loads of books and they start to clamp down on Protestants and there is the first Protestant man in Spain

to be killed burnt at the stake for being Protestant a painter from Mallorca of course he's from Miyorker can't say anything these days Miokhanistan Miorca Gonzalvo and he never had even admitted to being a Lutheran but he was executed in 1523

Would you change your Facebook profile picture to the faded water I stand with Gonzalvo Now they don't always kill the Protestants in the Spanish Inquisition they sentenced them to penance

they have to wear a San Benito which is a big sack the exile finds flat If we have a look at the San Benito looks like It's a big sack

With yellow and red crosses And flames It's decoration It sounds like Sounds pretty sick It's like a Hawaiian shirt I would have wore age 10

Oh it's like a big dunce hat Is that where we get Fair enough Is that where we get A big dunce hat from I mean it's kind of fire though I don't know why they've decorated it so well

that might be blood it kind of goes hard no no it's not very hard so it's like a big sort of tabard with a big cross on it yeah and that means that you're

you're a Protestant in a Catholic yeah I guess you'd feel pretty vulnerable that's the equivalent of the Jews having the yellow star yeah

you know so this is I mean this is just devastatingly sad I'm struggling through this episode the fact that humanity can go to such low so low

yeah they had to make they made like a public show trial to rejoin the church um and they were banned from working jobs

in meds and law and they weren't allowed to wear jewelry, ride horses or carry weapons. What's the point of living? What's the point of being Protestant if you can't carry a weapon? Yeah. So death penalties were quite rare for Protestants in Spain. I dispute that. But also, now it says here that there were more people that were killed in England by

Mary Queen of Scots than in Spain. It does sound like 10 people per year with variously sentences for Protestantism. Do you believe those numbers? People too many. I do dispute that. I think it was far bigger than that. 15, 20 people maybe? Maybe even 30.

Okay. The number rose to 93 a year. This is a disgrace. Okay. Where are the memorials? Where's the pile of shoes? There wouldn't be many shoes. Where's the pile of glasses?

Okay. You know? About five pairs of glasses. No, they've all got glasses. They're working. They're reading. They've got to read the Bible. Catholics don't have to read.

Right. Right. Protestantism is about reading. It's a book club, basically. Protestantism. Yeah. Yes, it is. You see a circle, you read it,

you talk about each chapter and how it made you feel. Yeah, it is. You've been part of a book club. My ex-girlfriend went to a book club and happened to be there was my now-wife, because we were friends before we got together. Right. And I was with my now-wife. My now-wife.

So they cross paths, and at that particular book club, um my ex-girlfriend cried were you dating her at the time she was at the book club yes my ex so she cried what are you doing at this time um are you betting on is this when you're in your betting phase yeah I'm betting on virtual cockfighting

I'm not I'm making cans of Polish Polish lager betting on I'm not I'm not in a good place um but she she cries because of because I hadn't fucking made her a good enough vegan dinner or something uh something yeah or something or I've been rude to a friend

I don't know, take a pick. And then my, yeah, my wife remembers that. And then, luckily. This guy sounds good. This guy sounds like horrible to. I can hell. Sounds like your friends aren't a laugh. But this guy sounds fucking hilarious.

I'd love to go to this guy. No, but I was mait for there already. Right. So, anyway. Wait, so we, okay. So what she heard from your current girl from what? What did, what did your now wife? She heard her side of the story.

And then my, my now wife was like, I think maybe you're the problem. Did part of you already have feelings for your... Oh, I've answered the whole time. Answered the whole time. I met when I was 18 and I was like, yes. Do you think the book club? And then basically...

And my wife was like, no, nah. Let me have a look for other options. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, anyone. Let's find anyone else. All right, no one, fine. And then she started... But I was determined.

I was like a World War I general. I was like slowly, year by year. Right. We will progress through the song. It's the long game. the long game. I would just, and then she started, it's, you know, the biological clock starts to tick.

She starts getting slightly older, you know, suddenly I'm looking more and more like her last option, right? She starts throwing her friends. The lights come up at the club. Who's left? Hi. She starts throwing her friends in front like human shields. Right.

And I'll batting them off. Battering them off. That's not going to work on me. Fucker. Yeah, fuck off, love. I see what you're doing there. In the bin, right? Out of window.

Defener straight. Get her out window. I threw several of her friends out of the windows. And it made the wedding awkward because all the bridesmaids were paralyzed. No, anyway. And then eventually, yeah, after 12, 10 years, 10 years, I wore her down.

That's one of those beautiful stories. I wore her down. And she signed the Treaty of Versailles in a railway carriage. And, yeah, and there was a piece that was... An uneasy piece. Uneasy piece. Listen, now we've had kids, there's something brewing. Yeah, and I think maybe the deal that she's got will eventually lead to chaos.

She's getting angrier. Getting angrier is it? She's going to move her troops with the Rhineland and there's nothing you can do about it. I think I can do. No. But yeah, that was, anyway, that was the only book club I've ever been a part of. Well, you weren't apart. Were you there?

No, I wasn't there. I was at home. Right. Not cooking dinner. Right. But then she was so picky that I could never make the dinner correctly. So I just gave up. Yeah. takeaway and then she fucking cried or something.

She was always crying. What's she up to now? I don't know. I don't know. But I wish her well. Yeah. But I'm glad I'm not there. Is your wife now a big cryer?

Because, yeah. Bebebe, it's like three times a day. But she can't expect me to react to her crying as if it's crying, if it's that regular. Because she's devalued what crying is. Yeah, it's boy who cried wolf. It definitely is girl who cried fucking. Girl who cried whenever.

Yeah. She doesn't cry much. No. She's good, solid. You've got to marry them. That's a tough one. You got to marry them. Bibi, it's just constant.

Just pick your moments. Yes. You know what I mean? Well, crying doesn't mean anything if you're crying at a fucking, as a sunset. I feel like women cry like men wank, though. It's sort of like, cleaning the pipes. Yes, you're right. For them, I think it, I guess if you saw one of us cry,

it would be like, it's such a serious thing because it happened every three or four years, and it would mean what's happened is so devastating. I don't think. My wife has ever cried hanging upside down with an apple up her ass. You don't know that. Right, I don't know that. You don't know that.

But also, that's funny because that implies that women are masturbating once every four years when a relative dies or something. Pretty serious. No, it's serious. Oh, dear. No, she's upstairs. She's masturbating. Something's gone very wrong.

But crying is Catholic. And so, you know, these Protestant men, look, they're wearing their tabard. They're sort of, their Jewish stars of the 16th century, but they're dealing with it. They're just cracking on, you know, because their faith strengthens them. Right. Right. So now, Charles V, you know, 16th century Netanyahu,

he has his spies everywhere. And he starts to infiltrate other areas like Paris, Constantinople, London, Brussels, and through their embassies, the Spanish are operating this awful network of anti-protestant activity. and you you what's this Charlie

what have you got Charlie this is a Nigerian man who is setting a world record for the longest crying by an individual let's hear what's cry sounds like

African cries are great TikTok but I'm talking the life but not forget the life ball right he was temporarily blind for 45 minutes

with headaches in the swollen face because he claimed to have cried for seven days as part of a trend of record. Record attempts in Nigeria to cry as much as you can. Did he win? I don't know. Now, what's interesting is Protestantism in Africa

because I feel because Christianity was brought by European missionaries from Northern Europe, a lot of it, most of Africa is Protestant, right? Yes. It doesn't seem to manifest itself in a particularly Protestant way. No, it comes out Catholic almost. Why are your gear? I mean, that's, it's Protestantism meets Africa

and it becomes Catholic. You know, because they're not, no condoms. Right. Loads of babies. Right. Yeah, it is funny that, isn't it? Yeah. And then, but Protestant, Protestant meets Asian,

and it just kind of bounces back. Yeah. It doesn't touch the sides. They're fuck off. Return to send her. Yeah, it's a squash, it's a squash court. You can't, like, Asian Confucianism or whatever, whatever they're kind of, they've, they already figure the shit out.

They have, they're so ahead of all of us. Yeah. Like, they're a religious. Yeah. actually that's very Protestant to basically be like yeah but they're not even they're not even arguing about like atheism agnosticism they're just like now been done next yeah we all agree they're the Protestant like you know they're the beacon on the hill

definitely the Japan basically Japan yeah you know suicide Sapu I mean yeah does it get more Protestant than that you know you that is interesting suicide is very much a Protestant thing right because the Catholic Church says that's a big no no yeah the protest it's like how about Yeah, if you're a burden. Yeah, if you're a burden. Yeah. Or if you have some mental health issues, get gone. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. That's how you solve everything. Yeah, so there's a lot of respect for the Japanese approach. It's the easiest solution. If you disordered someone, I apologize, kill yourself, yeah. Don't burden them with your apology. Kill yourself. Yeah, well, why are you holding onto guilt? Yeah, exactly. So, now let's get, so there's been a big, there's a big war with the, you know, Dutch, the Spain, Charles V, because the Dutch are Calvinist at this point in the early 1600s. It does make sense.

And Spain start fighting them. I don't know who wins. It goes on for fucking ages, right? The Netherlands was part of the Holy Roman Empire and they're known by, which was also in Spain, and they fought back and became this very, like, stubborn city state. Because this is the start of the Dutch golden age. right? So do they defeat the Habsburgs?

Basically the Habsburgs are constantly... Amsterdam is the most Protestant city, one of the most Protestant foundations because it was like, it's shit land, right? Yes. It's built on a marsh. Yeah. And they basically constructed a canal from nothing.

And they all wore the same outfits. Yes. Like that garb. Yeah. I guess it's not anymore because now it's a... It's filthy den. It's filthy dead of godless. Yeah.

Now, as we explained last episode, the Calvin had set off this huge battle for the soul of France. Was France going to be a country where people didn't wash and spent their days picking pastry flakes out of their pubs or was it going to be an actual nation? Right. We lost that one. Tragically. Tragically. But it does mean that people who work have somewhere to go on holiday. So it's not all bad. But

now France had a fork in the road and in the late latter half of the 16th century. And they fell asleep at the wheel. There was a big battle of the so-called French Wars of Religion. And we're going to be, should we play, we haven't placed any of this. Should we place the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre, which is 1572, which we'll get to. 172, right. 172.

Let's say, this is after Henry the 8th. Yes. And before eating with Todd. Is he the modern day Henry the 8th? Eating with Todd up? He's him with Todd. Yeah. So he's only the 8th is just a court going. Pouring gravy on a fucking sandwich.

It's interesting though, because he gets a lot of hate because he's a fat guy. He's a fat guy who just sort of like eats and the juices go all over his face. And he doesn't seem to care how disgusting it is. But then firstly, everyone needs to, everyone has a fat guy that they watch. Yeah. You're lying if you say you don't. You got to have your guy. Everyone has a guy.

You might not be your guy. but you've got someone. You've got someone, yeah. It's just a different taste, right? So everyone's got a fat guy they watch eat. Yeah. Okay. He also, you know, the first few videos I saw,

I thought maybe he had Down syndrome. Right. So I kind of gave him more credit. I thought, this is really nice. And then I realized he didn't. I thought, I actually, I do think you could eat in a better way. Sure.

A clean away. Pour yourself together. Well, just it's so, you know, sometimes I'm in the mood for it. So is he not your fat guy? My fat guy is, is it rate my takeaway? Who's that guy?

My fat guy because Todd, yeah, it's too slick almost. Even though he's like, it's just too like, I feel like I'm being lied to. This guy, he sits outside a takeaway with his own set up. And it doesn't feel slick. He just has a table and then he gets brought

a shit ton of food and he just piles his way through it. Yeah. It's not quick edited. No. It's just a man. Test cricket. Work in his way. through.

I'm a huge big John. Yeah, look at this. This is proper. Some of the ugliest streets in Britain. He's raining. He's on a trestle table eating three portions of fish and chips. This is my go-to-fat guy. So shout out, rate my takeaway.

Keep doing what you're doing. Now, Calvin... Want to know the real story of how Oasis made Britain mad for it? How friends turned us on to coffee culture and super-layered hair. The secrets of Nirvana, train spotting, gay hookups,

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Get it every Tuesday and Friday on your favourite podcast apps. Calvin had sort of bequeathed these huguenots. Bequeath. It's nice. It's nice. It's too close to quif, isn't it? Bequeathed. Yeah.

What, I bequeathing? I bequeathing. I bequeathing him. Sorry, who just bequeathed him? I bequeathing out my pussy. Who bequeathed in here? It smells fishy. Who just bequeefing?

Do you smell? Sorry? Do you? Creef don't smell? You're young. Yeah, okay. I mean, yeah, you're young. You're young.

Yeah. You're naive. You come back to me in six years and tell me quiff don't smell. I know. When I was your age, I was saying quistow smell. Yeah. Come back to me in ten years and tell me quif don't smell. Yeah.

Now, we need to talk about the Huguenots. That was my point. Calvin bequeathed some Francis Huguenots. He quiffed out some huguenots. He quiffed out some huguenots. And between 1562 and 1598, there are these French wars of religion. Yeah. Now, the Huguenots are quite interesting.

French Protestants. I think they're very interesting. Very interesting. Contradiction in term. But then it's almost like the blend actually ends up being quite an effective. Because wherever they go, they're sort of like Jewish people.

Wherever they go, they're like a small community that's incredibly effective. Like literally a minute from where I live, type in princelet street, all of the, I don't know if you've been around like East London with those preserved Georgian houses.

Yeah, yeah. Those are all Huguenots silk weavers. Right. Came to the area. It was a shitty area, but then basically made, brought all the silk weaving. So like these crazy streets

that are completely preserved are all Huguenot houses. You know South Africa, the Stellenbos wine region? I do know the Stelambos wine. That's all set up by the Huguenots. Stelombos. Yes. Now, the Huguenots were the first ever refugees. Interesting.

That's where... But they weren't the first ever refugees. They're the first ever people to be called refugees because it's a French word. I think your sort of Protestant view of the world. These are the first refugees. There has been a lot of... A lot of war, a lot of displacement has had before that.

Like I said, 1517. No one ever, every time people have been persecuted, they've just been like, well, I'm just fucked, I'll just stay here. Yes, but it's only Protestants who came up with a fucking word for it because they needed it, right? Because they actually didn't stop fucking weeping. You know, they didn't sort of sit in self-pity. They got on with it.

Right. Can you let us in? Who are you? We're refugees. Oh, I see where you are now. Yes. Right. So it's a huge, it's like 30-year thing.

and Calvinism had become very popular in France amongst the nobility and the Queen of Navarre became a Calvinist in 1560 I don't know who that is she's important who cares not me I don't care

anyway it sets off the thing we need to get to is the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre Not on St. Bartholomew's Day I know is nothing sacred this is a pivotal moment towards the end of the third religious war that were nine.

Bloody hell. It's like far some furious films. In an attempt to secure the peace, a marriage was planned between the King Charles the ninth sister and the Queen of Navarre's son. Now is the Queen of Navarre some Spanish woman?

Right, fine. Who cares? Who cares? So the peace agreement also saw the return of Admiral Gaspar de Colony who's a huguenot to the king's court. So they see this as a way to placate the Protestants

and to try and stop the war. So they hold this wedding in August 1572 in Paris, but it's a red wedding. It's a, it's a trap! Is it? Yeah. You know Admiral Akbar? Is that his name?

Is that his name? Is that his name? I just said that and I thought, Ishan Akbar. He is. Admiral Isha, Ashah! Anyway. So, a few days after the wedding.

So what they do is all the huge. aristocracy and leaders, they all come to Paris to attend the festivities. Bloody hell. Right. And then a few days after the wedding, colony, the admiral, the admiral, is shot from a window.

So it's not quite, it's not on the wedding day. No, but a wedding goes on for like, you know, it's a festival, right? So the assassin escapes.

So it's like a sort of, it's early JFK stuff. Yeah. Right. And the Hugano leaders demand that the king tries to find the assassin. But many believe it's a red, it's a false flag.

And the plot had been organized. by the king. Right. Right. And so one, Hugano then threatens the king or threatens to kill someone else. And the king basically are like,

right, preemptive strike, lock the doors, lock the city gates, right? Let's just fucking kill them all. Fucking trolley dash. Do you remember the Aztec night? Yes.

The really sad night. Notcha Trista. Yeah. The sad night. Well, I remember, notcha drista. They just butcher everyone. Yeah.

That's a similar thing that happens in Paris. So on the 24th of August, kill squads are formed and they kill Collinie, the Duke, at around 4 a.m. And his body is left on the street, and it's mutilated by Parisians before being thrown into the CEM. They're probably fucking trying to make foie gras out of it. 10,000 Huguenots are killed in Paris.

Now that's the upper estimate, but it's one I'm leading with. I'm ignoring 2000. Can you look what Huguenots look like? A French Protestant, how are they swagging it out? just eating cheddar? What's the drip saying? Colin his head is sent to the Pope. The gay. Is that a huguenot? He's in denim cutoffs.

But that's the problem is it's French Protestant. There's still an element. There's still an element. It's an element of gay. But what's the coming in a look? That looks like me in denim cutoff. That does sort of look like you.

This looks like you in 20 years when you finally accepts your sexuality. This is when you've said, I've been living a lie. All of this sort of like super straight Protestant guy it's been a, it's been me projecting. I'm gay. That's exactly like an old gay silver fox fin.

That's me going to Charlie's 50th. But now are you trying to fit in? Yeah, I'm trying to fit in. I've had 20 years ago to go to your party where I'm like, where's over? You know what this time? I'm going to try and go, hi. Happy birthday.

Mm. Yeah. If you're not, if you're just listening, we're looking at a, so this is Henry the fourth, who is the French Huguenot who ends up, I think, winning the world's religion. He is dressed, I mean, he looks like Papua Pig and Burma. He's got little denim cutoffs. He's got a little bit of, he's got a camp look in his eye. Oh, he's always wearing silk briefs, actually.

And he's got a little cutlass. Yeah, got a little sword. So anyway, they basically butcher all these Protestants. in Paris. I mean, you know, I'm starting to understand why I just don't

something in the air in Paris. It makes you feel at ease. It's, you know, it's my Auschwitz. Sure. You know?

Why is everyone laughing and drinking and having a lot? Yeah. This is a sight of a horrible. This is a horrible, horrible place. The violence spreads

outside of Paris. He basically sets up a train of reprisal killings. 10,000 dead across the country. 200,000. flee France. This is an interesting side note. The Sa' Ivan the Terrible sent a letter to the king

expressing his horror at the violence. So you know you're doing something. If a guy called The Terrible is going, chill out. Yeah. And the Terrible was the guy who enjoyed putting people in a house and then blowing the house up. Oh, that's quite. It's just quite fun.

There's lots different ways to fucking skin a chicken, isn't there? Yeah. Skinner fucking rabbit. But that's quite a fun way. You go in that house over there. We won't do anything. Yeah.

Just kidding. But house gone. You've gone with it. But the Huguenots then settling like San Africa, Ireland. Yeah. And they're one of the most successful immigrant, but they're like Ugandan Asians.

Yes, they are, yeah. Who's the Huguenot-Pretti Patel? Right. Can we have a look? Who's the most attractive Huguenot? Yeah, so like Huguenot immigrant success stories. Yeah. Pianoveli.

Pianoveli. Yeah. Famous Huguenot today. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Let's see what happens. Nigel Farage. You're joking?

No way. You joking. Nigel Farage has got Hugano ancestors. He's a European immigrant. Farage is of Huguenot origin. Yeah, that's where the fucking name Farage. Simon Le Bonn. Fucking hell.

Warren Buffett. Charlie's Theron. Nigel Farage. The DePont. He's got Huguenot ancestry. Howard Hughes, the fucking Aviator. So, but this is very... Jessica Chastain.

That's very interesting, though. Is that you imagine... Imagine Farage living in France. It doesn't make... makes sense. He had to fight his way out. This is Farage's origin story. His ancestors fled France.

Can we see Farage's Hugoo links? Can you just type it in? Let's just get a bit more. But doesn't this make so much sense? Yeah. This is Protestant mass. The only thing they agree on is smoking. That's the only thing he has.

His ancestry includes French Huguenots, Protestant refugees, who fled persecution in France, Southern England. Cross the channel to Kent. His great grandfather's parents were German. I mean, his wife's German, isn't it? But isn't that amazing that it's almost like his destiny is to strike back at France? It makes a lot of sense.

It makes so much sense. I mean, a therapist would have a field day with this, you know? So the same bar, I think it's the worst massacre in France. Right. So Admiral Colony, that Huguenot, thrown from a window, decapitated. He's defenestrated, decapitated, castrated, and then dragged through the streets by a mob. which order you want the

decapitated to be first. Yes. Yes, you don't want to be awake for defenestration. Yeah, orchestration. I think the worst order of that is castrated, defenestrated, then decapitated. It's like Henry the Eighth's wives. Constrated, defenestrated, decapitated.

Pregnant women were disemboweled. You shouldn't be doing that. No, no thanks. Caesarian. Children participated in torturing protestants. Apparently the River Sen ran so red with blood that Rueon, the city down the road, they all got water poisoning

because they couldn't drink water. They all died of thirst because they couldn't drink the water because it was all full of Protestant blood. Damn. There was the displayed bodies. Neighbors started just killing Protestants. They found them. It's very, very sad.

It's the saddest thing I've ever heard of my life. The saddest thing on the podcast that we've dealt with so far. You know, we like to have a laugh. Something's not funny. Some things are not funny. Why are you laughing? I think it's important not to make light of serious things

for the sake of comedy. We can all over laugh, but some things are just sad and affect people's lives today. We should put a trigger warning at the start of this episode because it's a really sad one, okay? I didn't know about this

and I cried several times for searching this. Like God, I can imagine. That's been really hard for you. Yeah, I did, it was hard. And, you know, it's part of your lived experience as well. And we will be taking a break for the podcast while I go on on a pilgrimage.

to Huguenot areas of France and I will be putting Instagram photos of me touching walls crying kissing the turf yeah anyway so by the late 1590s

France is fucking knackard because it's just been they've really gone for it they've gone for it these constant wars and then there's a I think there's a power struggle between three King Henry's

or three Henry's two of them kill each other and then Henry the fourth the guy in denim cutoffs he basically is the last one man standing and he is Huguenot but he converts to Catholicism in order to basically sacrifice

his own religious police for the sake of the country and he issues the edict of Nantes not the edict of Nantes it sounds like the Edict of Nantes no that's our thing that's the other word for the Operation Utre that was the conclusion to the Operation Uttry

was the Edict of Nantes right anyway the Edict of Nont 5098 which is a revolution document because it legalizes two different religions in one state, which had been done before, but not in a state that was as intensely Catholic as France.

So this is kind of... So it's not religious freedom, but it's two different... Tolerance. Right. Religious tolerance. And so he's Huguenot, but he sort of sacrificed himself, and Catholicism is the state religion, but Protestants are allowed the right to worship. And this is basically...

What percentage of modern France is Protestant now? It's got to be minimal. Minimal. I mean, the reason why Spain is, as it is, is that they basically wiped all the Protestants out. And in Italy as well, they just, they clamped down too hard. 2%. 2%. Yeah, exactly.

But this is actually quite interesting, the Edict of Nantes, because this is when you start to get the idea that the state unity is more important than religious uniformity. Yeah, the state. more important than the religion. Yeah. So this is the, this is quite a Protestant idea.

Yes, it is. But this is where you, you know, there's been so much, so many wars for nearly a hundred years and they are, they will continue to 1648. But this is where you start to get the sense of like,

should we just chill out about the God thing? Yeah. And maybe, maybe we're more French than we are. Maybe we just, we all band together and say, who the fuck are those German pigs? Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, none of us wash. Yeah, exactly. What are we doing fighting? Yeah. And so 1648 is the birth of the birth of the, sort of the start of the idea of the nation state.

Right, right. But this is when that starts to initiate. And then does this lead to 30 years war? Yes. We were playing an episode on, but it was actually too impenetrable of war. It's insane. The 30 years war...

We don't know anyone involved, but it seems to be the biggest thing happened that we don't know anything about. It's the 30 years war for like Central Europeans is as important to them as like we would learn about the English Civil War. That's our version of it. Yeah.

But the 30 years war, very quickly, we'll do it. We'll do a series on it at some point. 30 years war 1618 the third defenestration of Prague Yes Okay leads to a series of rolling conflicts There's like a Spanish phase

There's a Dutch phase There's a Swedish phase, a Danish phase It's like it's Glastonbury There's just different tents With different things going There's constantly The Swedish are run by a guy called Adolphus Yes

Who's like insane Yeah And this went Sweden One of the second time in history The Sweden went full beast mode And then never again Never again Never again

Never again And then you have basically maybe 20% of the population of Germany die in the conflict. And it takes them 100 years, maybe more than that, to recover. Right. But the peace of Westphalia, 1648, basically settles the Protestant Catholic issue in that every state is allowed to choose what they want to follow. So why is it called the Reformation? What actually got reformed? The church.

In what way? I feel like we've quite comprehensively dealt With that's kind of the main thing that we talked about Yeah What do you think happened I honestly don't know Do you know the difference between Catholics? The Catholics are a bit more serious

But the Protestants are more boring I don't think so They like chains, Catholics like jewelry Protestants like cricket Yeah Yeah sort of It's more English than Protestant. And the Catholics are more emotional,

the Protestants are more repressed. Yes, yeah, that's true. But I don't really know. I feel like we dealt with this in the first five minutes in episode one of this series. And we mentioned it regularly. But what actually got reformed then? From what to what?

Catholic to Protestant. Yeah. Because of... The Catholic church didn't really exist. It was more... There was reformation made to the church. Some people thought, we don't need these reformations.

Some people thought we did. And then they came up with Catholics and Protestants to represent that. So what was happening before that? It was just the Western church. Yeah, it's just the church, just the church. Just the church.

And has there been any more reformations? Well, yes, there's several. Protestantism can now break off into loads of different ways. You know what we talked about Calvinism? Prototeria. No, that's no, that's the wrong word. That's a different thing. Precipeterian.

Ignor. Pescipatarian is a kind of communist idea of the wife and plus. Prescotters are not involved in this story. No. Well, they are probably. Not knowing. Accidental. Yeah. Coincidental.

Incidental. Right. Thank you. Yes. There's no unified church of pescatarianism. We did say before this episode, actually Charlie, if you want to ask some questions,

it'd be quite helpful because it's a bit more of a chewy topic. Yes, if you've got any questions about the topic, rather than just showing. It could be kind of help, because we're also trying to work our way through it. Yeah, got on. What was performed?

What's the Reformation? Well, we just answered it then. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank God it's over. Do you be the Reformation, or do you mean this series? All of it.

Yeah. Well, I think, I think, you know, if we're going to give you any feedback, it's that you know maybe spending less time finding images of men swallowing

pooing condoms and actually sort of maybe engaging with the history I will say to get to the fourth hour and for you to say what got reform

is quite deflating well I'm your audience well that's why I don't think you are but you are you know it's a reminder to never leave a man behind isn't it?

You're the nearest us. You've got, you, yeah. I don't know if you're an audience, you're not an audience,

but you're just geographically the nearest to us while we're doing. It's a reminder that you can only go as fast as your slowest member of society, right?

And I guess it's quite deflating to think that we've got to the end of this and there would be a listener going to what, what is the reformation? Because I feel like, I feel like we actually engaged with it. Who's Martin Luther?

I have a pool. I have a pool. I honestly think I've learned at least in this one. Okay, good. Well, that's a great way to end the series. Yeah, now, so that's been

the Reformation, or has it? I don't know. Let us know if you, if you have no idea. I feel like we engage with it quite a lot. I think it's very interesting. We discuss some pretty interesting ideas.

To see, you know, I think it explains so much of culture. Yeah, your own psychology, family history. explains my prejudices entirely. It can always be mapped onto what I think about most places in the world, how far the reformation is spread.

I don't think it takes an expert, though, to read between the lines. with your, I don't think it's like, there's no reading between the lines. That's what I'm saying. It's tracing over something. It's getting rid of reading between the lines. Yes.

Read what's on the line. Read, I don't like them because they're Catholic. It's tracing over a racist slur that I've written. Anyway, if you'd like more, we'll be dealing with the Armish on the Patreon. Which is more interesting than I thought it would be actually. It is very interesting. That's Anabaptists. And we'll also, I think, tomorrow on the Patreon, we are releasing

our live special, the JFK assassination, recorded at the Hankley Empire last year. It was at the end of a eight, nine day tour. Nine day tour. Some great stuff in there. It's like an hour and a half special.

That's for sale. If you don't want to join the Patreon, you can just buy it as a one-off. Damn. How much? I don't know yet. I haven't decided. A few quid.

It'll be more expensive than signing up to the Patreon. Sure. But less expensive than like a curry. Yeah, less expensive than the curry. Yeah. Thank you. To place this. It'll be more than three pounds a month. It will be less than the price of a curry.

It won't be less expensive than the street food curries where they chop chicken with their toenails. It will not give you the same effects as an unlicensed street vendor in Bombay. Right. Okay. If it does, I'm not taking no responsibility. I can't say what you've eaten when you're watching this. When we made, when we edited this special, we didn't wash our hands. No, that is true. And I did use my feet for some of it. Anyway, that's on the page. and we'll see you next week for a brand new topic from all of us here at Finn versus History. Goodbye.

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