Fin vs History - Rasclaatputin & The Hebephile Prince | The Russian Revolution of 1917 (Part 2/5)

Episode Date: July 10, 2025

Rasputin: men hated him, women wanted to sleep with him, and goats thought he smelled like them. The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When I would send deep things I used to put little... Get rid of our mugs, would you? Mugs. I can see our faces. I would put like a little emoji on the bell end because I just felt like it took the edge off, like a little clock on the knob. Well, it depends if it's solicited or un-solicited.

I'd never send them on solicited. So someone's asked for a dick pick and you put a little To take the edge off Totem or a clock But they're asking to see the whole hog brother Yeah but I was just a bit insecure about it Because

Can you get Russian salad on While we're talking about this place When I send a picture up a dick pick I just put a Russian salad On the end of it And go That's what mine smells like My dick smells like Russian salad

Anyway welcome back Cold Open I reckon Welcome back to Finn versus history My dick smells like Russian salads This is part This is part two of our biggest series yet on the Russian Revolution

the long road to Gary Stevenson the worst guy you know at a house party at 4 a.m. telling you about how to fix the world. Now our last episode was a big sweeping pile of context. This episode we are digging in to the life and times of one of

history's great characters. Rasputtin Rasqlart Putin the Jamaica Russian monk. Yeah. It's alternative universe Putin if you grew up in Kingston and Jamaica. Yeah. And he tries to seize St. Bart's.

Rasputin is one of, this is one of the fun ones. Yes. This is probably my favorite bit of the revolution. Quite a unique historic figure, really. Yeah. I don't really know any bloke like him. He's one of those people where it's like,

you're a new kind of bloke. Yeah. I mean, I guess Russell Brand is the closest. Russ. Russ, Russ, Klaude Brown. Do you reckon he should go into... Russell. He should go into court.

with one of those hats with the, with the dreadlocks attached and go, I know Russell LeBrand, me name Rasklad brand. Fair enough. Yeah, well, fair enough. Fair enough. It couldn't, well, if you let us know if you find the real Russell Brown. Yeah, but we haven't found them anywhere. So, all right, you're off.

Sorry, Rasklatte, playing the old Rasklatte defense. Pleading the Rasklat. Me not heard no Russell Brand. My name Rasklad, bland. My only kiss a woman when she asks me too. Anyway, welcome back. This is part two. Rasputin, yeah, the closest we have really to him is sort of Russell Brandon that he is this, you know, on the face of it, quasi-mystical sex craze. You know, for some men hate him, women want to fuck him. Yeah. Like, no one really has this kind of piercing eyes. Piercing eyes. This sort of, yeah, warped soul that women can't help but fall over. Yeah. Shape shifter. Shapeshifter.

of quasi-religious but not Yes vaguely spiritual rapist Yeah a vaguely spiritual rapist Allegedly Yeah I sort of believe

in God and stuff Anyway, you want to shag Yeah yeah I think I reckon God told me For you to take your pants off Or whatever you need

Or whatever you need For whatever you need for me to fuck here You're Muslim I'm not gonna care Whatever I'm into all that shit Yeah So

Al-a-Jizbah Sorry? Al-A-Jizbah Is that what you want That enough So Rasputin Yeah We left off with the Romanov family in about 1905.

They've just had a son, and their son is a heap of five. Yeah. The son is attracted to 13, 14-year-old girls, specifically, even though he's 11 days old. And they think, fuck, this is terrible. How is he going to... Yeah. And it's also, it's been a long road to get this son, even though we touched on this briefly in the last episode.

They've had four horrible daughters. They've had four, every time they just keep trying to have a son. Yeah. She just keeps putting out daughter after daughter after daughter. And there's no scans where you find out the son. sex there's no gender reveal party so it's just fucking disappointment every time and it's more than that because it's the

it's the air reveal party it's where you've got an air or not huge deal huge deal it's like the new pope white smoke because yeah if they don't get a son the whole line could be devastated do you reckon mixed race couples would ever do like a race reveal party you know when there was that big

black or white smoke yeah like the pope or brown black black brown or white smoke is that why it's always white smoke because it's always a white pope. If they ever had an African pope, they'd put black smoke out and I'm like, whoa. It's a black Pope, shit. Why are you a gay? He's Pope. Probably

would be a bit like that. Pope, Why Are You Gay the first? Yeah, a black Catholic Pope probably would be like, why are you gay? Yeah, they would be. I reckon that's the next, because we had quite liberal popes recently, haven't we? Yeah. The next stage is this massive, massive swing back to like hard conservative African Pope. Yeah, yeah. That'd be great. Literally the why are you gay

pope. Comes out on some Peter's balcony. You are gay you are transgender anyway Russ Gladputt it we're talking about the four daughters yeah so there's no gender reveal party every you know Nicholas the second

is at the lady end of he's looking at his lady being destroyed by another terribly useless girl a useless daughter keeps flying out of his lady's lady yeah there's lady upon lady it's all grim stuff and finally they have this son

this air but he's even weaker than Nicholas the 2nd. He's a cuck inside a cuck. He's a cuck inside a cuck. It's a Russian cuck doll. What are those things called? Russian dolls, yeah. Yeah, but what's the name?

Babushka. Yeah, Babushka dolls. Yeah, but cuck. Be cuck fuck. Be cuck fuck. It's a cuck within a cuck. And yeah, he cut me and he bleeds. It doesn't stop bleeding.

Cut me and he bleeds cuck. You cut me and I bleed till I die. That's the fraying. That's the saying. Rather than cut me and I bleed to Russia. Cut me and I bleed him up. Cut me and I'm dead. I'm dead. I probably don't. I can't mean I'll die because I won't stop bleeding. I can't. There's no

blood clad in Alexei Romanov. So this is terrifying because they know, they knew this was going to happen because Alexandra's, the Hessian princess, she's got bad genes. There's some hemophilia somewhere in the family. And so pretty much instantly they know, fuck, he's got this. Yeah. He's not going to live very long. So they start looking around for anyone to help. And she's She's, you know, she's had five kids. She's, I don't know, she goes kind of full white woman, would you argue, Alexandra? Yeah. You know, she is paranoid back to the corner, so her personality sort of becomes crystals.

Yeah, she goes full, full wacky. You know, I don't know if you've ever walked down Columbia Road flower market. I used to little Columbia Road. Well, nearly all the shops there seem to be owned by women of wives of rich men. Yeah. who need a hobby. They all seem to sell the same things

in different orders and it just feels like... It's mad. You can do what you want just leave me alone. Yeah. They're all fronts for women to fill the space

in between childcare. And Alexandra, she nags Nicholas a lot and he's like, do whatever you want and she's like, well, I've got into mystical stuff,

the occult stuff. But we should stress that around this time the Russian elite were really into some messed up shit. Right. Like there's a huge

it's hard to talk about because in my head I'm just imagining like footage of seances with Adam Curtis talking over the top of them because that's kind of

to me the beginning of the truanian the true ghost was the specter of the Russian people and many ways they were rehearsing their own annihilation

they'd lost the world had collapsed nothing come strange they'd become weird they were talking to dead people they had lost any sense of themselves

They're no longer believed in the ronal. So you've got this weird thing at the start of the 20th century in Russia where the elite start going for seances. They start doing Ouija boards. They're obsessed with the occult. I mean, there's a large, we talked about Russian orthodoxy. There's a large mysticism in it as compared to the very straight down the line. Yes.

None of that, please. It's wild, Asia Arctic. I work hard and then I die and I go to a slightly nicer room. That's life and death. Russians are like suffering, being pegged up. the ass gives me bliss and then there's a kind of mystical wakadoo Asian element

to it as well. So there's lots of mad sects as well of Russian Orthodoxy which we'll get into but there's also do Russian monk who's never met a woman. So this seems to be one of these kind of like intense Orthodox monks who I don't think we know as well because we can't understand

what kind of Catholic sects look like. Yeah, right. The Russian monk who is said to have never met a woman is Milhaio Tolostos who he lived for 82 years within the strict confines of Mount Athos a Greek monastery but still orthodox where women are forbidden

Tolstoy was raised by monks after being orphaned and never saw a woman during his lifetime Christ the dream The luckiest man The luckiest man who ever lived Wow That is the ultimate in cell Well that's a man

That's a man at peace who's never been knacked That's a man who's never been asked To change a Hoover bag Never been asked for directions He's able to watch films entirely in peace he's never been asked who's that is that bad guy

what's happened to him yeah my god what a hero are the people who don't wank or have sex do they yeah no fappers are they leaking can't

do they just explode and leak all the time I think probably yeah I think they're not all the time but the wet dreams would be insane you know how you talked about you know how your mom was it your mum you've been nurse

yeah and the worst thing was about fecal vomiting or pink-sock. A guy pooing out their mouth? Yeah. Are you saying that a guy who doesn't wank

and just sort of cum just comes out of his mouth? He gets rushed into A&E and then... He's chitting out of his mouth. Quick,

someone wank this guy off he's going to... Just drowning in your own cum like Hendrix drowning and vomit is a guy just who hasn't wanked for 80 years and he just

drowning in cum coming out of his arm. is that how this guy died yeah the wet dreams there's no more but then he doesn't really know what woman even looks like so I don't know where this horny this horniness is sort of like

but we don't know he's horny he's definitely horny what do you mean he's definitely horny he's never met a woman yeah but it doesn't have to be he could just look at a nice you know the monk or like

he could have been gay also drippiest robes as far as Christian sex go so when he has a wet when he has a wet dream does he not know what's making him come Yeah.

Like, what's he dreaming of? Just like, God, probably. God. The sky. Yeah. That's crazy. But do you think there are any monks who kind of, you know, they hold it down for 50 years, but then they break and then they have, they wank. And then they've gone, that's, that's gone a big bender.

Yeah. Yeah. That's famously what happens. Do you think there's any monks? Yeah. I reckon there's a couple. Yeah. I reckon there's articles on a few.

I mean, the, I watch documentaries on some. The archbishop has just had to resign because of all the, all the naughty stuff. But fucking a monk would be quite, there's something quite sexy about that, I think. Right. what slapping their bald head you just finally get them grabbing onto the hair bit what you mean like it's a handle of a patch

spit on the ball patch in the same way that like men want to take girls virginities you want to take a monk yeah so the monk would be like we shouldn't we really it's so sinful and like that feeling

you want to be the boy that corrupt the monk but to fair fucking a monk from behind hold the ridge is like a pasty ridge that you can hold do you know what I mean

and just hold in that little fuck handle like that would be of his hair holding it up or holding that bit up or holding that bit up or you just

you'd make it a bun like that yeah and you want to spit on his ball patch they'd be so ashamed afterwards as well they'd be so ashamed

yeah because you'd ruin their life yeah you'd collapse their life well you're kind of saying when you rape a monk that they feel ashamed afterwards

I don't know if that's they don't rape them they want it but then afterwards they fly and now you sound like Russell Brand no they wanted it

right right anyway so there's a huge turn at the start of the 20th entry towards mysticism and so my point is that Alexandra looking for mystics is not in a

vacuum. This is kind of part of the Russian elite and there is a man born, he's born out in the wilds in Siberia. Pocovaroski Siberia. Deep Siberia. Now do you know what Siberia is? What do you think Siberia is, Charlie? Mountains No, but what do you think it is as an entity?

Just like a kind of county. Yeah, that's what I mean. I think I No, because I thought Siberia was a region, but it's kind of basically like the Wild West. Yeah. Because the Wild West... Worcester, you're saying, our equivalent, if you're naughty, you get sent to Worcester.

Yeah. I think Worcester's lovely. No, it's Siberia. I don't think so. I think Siberia's like Lincolnshire. My point is, Siberia is not a county. It's two-thirds of Russia, right? Yeah.

In the same way, the Wild West is everything west of the Mississippi. Yeah. It's more of like an expanse. So Siberia, I think, is east of the Urals, right? So it's just everything, all of Wild Russia, Siberia. It's not a place. It's more a concept, right? The city stop.

Yes. Yeah. So it's most of Russia's Siberia. Yeah. It's not like this one region. So Rasputin is born in Siberia, illiterate peasant, and quite early on, people start to, he is the, I think his mom, and this is classic Russian stuff. Right.

My mom's love suffering. His mom has seven children, all of the, them die in infancy or in childbirth, Rasputin is the first one to not. Right. And she's obviously like, oh, fuck, he's lived. I was loving it when all my kids were dying. I never felt more alive than when every kid I had,

seven out of seven were dead. And now I've been cursed with a son who's lived past three. Christ. Well, he's going to have a terrible time. I might as well kill myself to feel anything. They love suffering. And so Rasputin is the first one who lives. And so people, quite early on in his village...

I like, this guy is the prodigal son. Who's this guy? Who's five? He's five. What devil incarnate is this? He's illiterate, obviously everyone's thick. In this village, there's only a tavern and a church. That's the only thing.

And the rest is just 15 huts. He gets suspected early on of being a horse thief. He loves nicking horses. He's sort of also, he communes with horses, I think. He's got early brushes with religious visions, which is kind of, he's a con man sort of. He's Russell Brand, you're right. Yeah, he is. I mean, he is with a rat.

Which, by the way, Russell Brand recently, it's amazing. his grift is just getting he is an artist brand's grift yeah he's recently been on his rumble thing and after all the shit he said he's now did a two-minute spoken ad for coffee that anti-aging coffee right that's called 1776 so it's like alpha yeah independent conservative anti-aging coffee right so it's whack ado uh biohacking that's also built into conservative Republican, Declaration of Independence, and he's shifting that. That's fucking mad. Along with his amulets that protect you from airport Wi-Fi.

You've got conservative biohacking. Yeah, because I guess like oil of Olae is quite wet, isn't it? And like anti-aging cream. But that's normally seen as hippie. That's what I mean. And now it's got 1776. Man, anti-aging. It's fucking bonkers.

Calling anti-aging cream after a year that's very old. Coffee. It's coffee. It's coffee. Which is even weirder. I don't understand this at all Look like you're from 1776 You're going to look fucked

You drink this You look fucking old Bizarre Anyway So he Rasputin marries At 19 Becomes a dad

That's not the defining Point of his life He starts to Get the sense that maybe He doesn't want to be a stay-at-home dad Doesn't want to go after his kids So he says Oh God's quite convenient

I'm going to become religious And he starts becoming this sort of Wandering Religious figure called a Stranic Pilgrim, where you sort of wander around. Hello, I'm Elizabeth Day, the creator and host of How to Fail. It's the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right. And what, if anything, we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better?

Each week, my guests share three failures, sparking intimate, thought-provoking, and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices, sharing what they've learned through their failures. Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week. This is an Elizabeth Day in Sony Music Entertainment original podcast. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. There is a sect, a mad sect in the Russian oxenocs. It's called the Clist or the Clistie. And what these guys do is they have these mad rituals.

Now, we were chatting about in the last episode about Russian Orthodox mysticism, suffering. These fuckers, right? It's speaking in tongues. So they all of them, they get in a big circle and they wrap a rope around their neck. and it goes around everyone's neck and they basically all like chant and throttle each other right and they're like

and they try and get high off the asphyxiation and then they this is all like what so group strangle wanks group strangle wanks right like a chain gang strangle wank right and they go and then they all collapse when just before they all die

and they immediately all fuck each other they just start fucking the person next to them and it's like the suffering the near death the pain there's also not a lot to do in Siberia yeah i mean there's no teeth yeah it's fucking boring so you're inventing some mad stuff out there because there is nothing to do this is a real this is a real argument for ticot and all this brain right because it's like yeah back a day before phones we'd go out we'd make our own fun

no we wouldn't we would be out in the forest we would strangle wanking as a chain gang strangle wanks word thing chain wank gang gang gang gang it's all in there somewhere um but they'd all pass out and just fuck each other in the snow with relief yeah that they lived even though they was like, well, you need to kill yourself because you're an idiot. Yeah. So, um, they also did self-flagellate. I mean, hard comes, though. Oh, one of the hardest cars. Yeah.

I mean, we've never. Ayahuasca Serra any level comes. I'm not coming this hard. No. No, nowhere even near. I'm sort of coughing, sort of humiliating into a toilet. I'm coming so weakly that immediately I'm like, I'm straight back to work. Right.

Back to work. Right. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway, that was, yeah. Basically a sneeze. Yeah, exactly. I'm coming like a sneeze.

These guys are coming like, um, Projectile vomiting. Oh! Out of them out. Like the Doctor Who regenerating. That's how they're coming. They become a different person. They come so hard.

It's Superman, yeah. They're turning into David Tennant. They're coming so hard. But they also, they self-flagellate, which is whipping each, whipping themselves. This is how they're coming. Oh, yeah. Right, yeah. Yeah, so Charlie's got up the Raiders of the Lost Ark scene.

This is how they're coming. Yeah. Yeah, they explode in. Yeah, that's how they're coming. It's some pretty hard comes. To be fair, if I was in Deep Siberia with a load of peasants and serfs, I bet I could convince them

quite a lot of stuff. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Hey, guys, I found a really long rope. I've got an idea. Why don't we all tie this around each other's next and fuck each other? All right.

Yeah, sounds good. What else are you doing today? I don't know, looking for bread. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's fuck all to do. Got anything else on? No. Are you going to do the, um...

Are you going to do the fuck, chain gang, rich on. The chain gang, fuck thing. No, instead I'm going to sit at home and look at a wall. Yeah, I don't really know. No, instead I'm going to shiver in this hut on my own. It sounds like a good way to stay warm, if nothing else, isn't it? It's fucking freezing out of you.

So he's a clisti. So he's into some mad stuff, right? So Rasputin meets this guy while he's wandering around called Makari. Look at these photos. Look at these guys. So Rasputin's on the right. Makari is basically a... Like, Rasputin is not really a priest in the proper sense.

No. He's obviously attracted to it because of this. He's like, I'm spiritual. Yeah. He's one of those guys. Yeah, he's vaguely spiritual. Yeah, he's a sex addicts. He's a rough.

Which I used to say a joke about Russell Brand. He's a sex addict. He's what he means by that. He's as rapist, but he's got a podcast. Right, right, right, right. So he's a sex addict. And Macri, what Macri does is he sits him down and he goes, no, listen, the thing about being religious, spiritual, is that you can only be holy if you sin.

Yes. Like you only get to be. an example of holiness if you live a life of sin as well and so here starts this kind of mad duality which is particularly Russian Orthodox I think where you are

You have to travel in the world of sin to know anything about what sin is Yes if you've not sinned You do not know what sin is how can you preach about sin? Which is Russell Brand's entire defence Yeah like he comes out and he says No I have sinned

I'm a dirty filthy sinner I was never a rapist But I've sinned of course I have You know, that... You know, I had sex with women who didn't want to have sex with me. I'm a sinner, of course. I'm not a rapist. But that's his hot...

You know, to be fair to Russell Brand, I don't know anyone who's defended themselves in court by building a world. Yeah. Like he's built this whole other universe. That's his new reality. Yeah.

That is going to be... Well, it's quite interesting to see where the legal system can punch through that. I mean, it probably can. Yeah. That's why it's there. But... But, so Macary convinces Rasputin

that yeah you can be a priest because you can still fucking bang rocks man you can still do it because then you know you can tell people to not do that and you can keep doing it because you keep having to realise how bad it is but then if someone was kept on fucking and sucking and kept being like no you wouldn't like this

that would piss me off it's like a guy with an orgy strangling himself this is terrible this is really bad I'm just experimenting at this to make sure it's not it's basically like you know just saying you know let me just

taste if that's any good. Yeah, yeah. You've eaten your whole pudding, then you don't want that. You don't want that at all. So, um... Yeah, it's not like, yeah, checking for poison.

Yeah, it's that. Instead it's with wages. Yeah, it's brilliant. You'd hate this. No, it's not for you. So then when he realizes, Macquarie kind of unlocks that in his head, and he realizes he can still be a naughty fuck,

not a naughty fuck boy and, uh, be convincingly a priest. So he starts to enter the Tsar's court in the early 20th century. So he arrives in St. Petersburg and I you know, three, starts to gain traction with the clergy, and an aristocracy that are looking for

wild sex freaks. But yeah. But that's often, you know, it spices things up, things get stale, you want something. Yeah. It's the decadence at the end of 300 years of Romanoff rule, right? So, he meets these Montenegrin princesses called the Black Crows.

They were white, they just had big noses. Right. Beaks. They're big old hooters. And one of them knows, czarina anyway so he gets and he's he's got a real attraction to power yeah like ambitions to like and he has a real influence over people he has it he's a true charisma deep piercing eyes and what doesn't come in the photos every photo he looks terrifyingly intense you get some more photos up of him he looks literally like a devil but something to know about him is he had a great time

he had a good laugh he was funny he was charming he might look intense in photos that's just his Um, that's just his photo face. Well, yeah, apparently he was actually very funny and like, um, sociable, but he never, you never saw this in his photos. Yeah. I guess it's early photography, isn't it? Yeah. Everyone looked boring and, well, that's quite a fun one there where he's doing that. But he had, but a part now, he had this awful, horrible lanky beard.

He'd eat with his hands. Huge man. Big guy. He'd eat with his hands. Um, he'd always have food in his beard. Right. Uh, apparently he smelled like a goat. And apparently, apparently men.

always used to say like this guy fucking stinks and women used to be like i want to fuck that guy real man like they could smout the smell of the man would drive them wild like he's giving off pheromones right only women are picking up men are being like that guy fucking you get that tramp out of it and women are just like oh yeah women just want to suck and fuck him yeah because the the the horrible musky emits just fucking he's like an animal sends their ovaries on fire right right so women in the you know elite women the court they're all loving him And he introduced to Tsar Nicholas II and Alexandra just after Bloody Sunday, which is now what we ended with.

Oh, Bloody Sunday. Do you want to pick up where we left off with Bloody Sunday? On Bloody Sunday? Yeah. Yes. So Bloody Sunday, it was a massacre from a peaceful protest. And it kind of severs the myth that the, of the Tsar as the little father, as the kind of like protector of the people.

Farty, he's not by Farty anymore. Yeah. triggers revolutions all over the country about bad conditions. Because this revolution is going through the country naturally forms these kind of local councils of workers

coming together and speaking and trying to have some sort of representation and those are called in Russian Soviet means meeting. Yeah. And so the word Soviet comes from that basically. The union of meetings. That's it.

Christ, what a fucking boring country. The union of meetings. Yeah. That's what that country means. Yeah. The union of meetings of speaking together of bureaucracy of talking Trotsky sets up the most important

moments of the St. Petersburg, Soviet. But yes, basically they repress they send all of the communist leaders, early communist leaders who will get to

either exile to Siberia or have to escape to Europe, right? There's a big crackdown from the army and it fails as a revolution 905.

But there's a small concession that he sets up the Duma. Duma. Duma. Duma. Duma. Duma. Duma. Duma. Duma. He sets up the Duma. Everyone, although their MPs have to have that haircut. And now a question from the MP for a bit. He wants to undermine the authority of it. That's why he calls it the Duma. That's why he calls it the Duma. Yeah, the big stupid poopie head. Yeah, you guys can have something. Well, the house is a poopie head. What do they think? Why do I have to wear a cock on my head whenever I make a point? I feel this undermines me. That's the dumber.

That's the rules. So bloody Sunday. It creates the Duma. And it basically means that you can table ideas that he can reject. Yes. So it's a very basic form. I think the first thing, he sets it up and everyone's like, great. We've got representation as a people.

The first thing he gets the Duma to decide on is a like, a new washing machine. Basically whether an area of Siberia has its bin collected on a Tuesday or Wednesday. And they decide it's Wednesday. He goes, nah, fuck it Tuesday. Like it just does not give a shit about him at all. complete piss because Zarniklaus the second is a

complete autocrat to the bones. As we said in the last episode, he's a little gay boy in hot pants with rollerblades and he sees that his granddad has his legs

blown off. He hates the idea of any kind of revolution or anything that's not him as an absolute monarch. With that in mind, Rasputin arrives

in this you know, slightly surface reforming SAR in about 1905. Yeah. And immediately, so while this

has been going on, Zarina Alexandra, she's had this French butcher's son. I mean, Christ, French butchers, my word,

everything's going on in there. Nose to tail. This butcher's boy has been helping her supposedly with her with, you know, he's been a mystic.

Fine. Which is a weird thing of a butcher's son as a mystic. Well, there's a lot of guts he can fuck, I guess.

Is that one a mystic is? I don't know. Well, for her, probably. Like, you know, he's got access to a lot of waving,

tripe all over the boy yeah that'll do so the boy is you know the young son he's only about a year old and he has these kind of outbreaks of desperately wanting to fuck a 13 year old there's a terrible description

he be affiliate um and so but the butcher's boy died I think quite suddenly and he on his deathbed predicts that a new mystic will arrive and fill his space and then the black crows

the terribly ugly Monteneagrin's big nose bitches the big nose bitches from Montenegro they introduce Zarina to Rasputin and the first and Nicholas the second, first in Nicholas second does he go this guy fucking smells like a goat

can we get him out of here? And Alexander's like, I want to I've never seen more drunk to that man do you? Do you want to see a lady? Do you want to meet a lady do you? And just gets her legs open. So immediately she's hooked on Rasputin and Rasputin has this sort of calming quality

on the Zarina. Yeah. And so there's lots of you know, the boy... He's a brilliant and manipulating people. He is. The boy would have these outbreaks of hebofilia And it's only Rasputin that would be able to be like, hey, hey, hey, wait for them to grow older. It gets better. Arguably, they're not in their peak to the 17-18. Cool it.

Wait for the mill. Wait for the mill. Fuck, gilfs, man. Because the thing about Rasputin that is he wanted to fuck anything. And he was. And he was. Skinny, big, no tits, big tits, no ass. He didn't care.

He wanted it on it. No one loved muff more than this guy. I mean he's moved away from his family he's got like two or three kids or something out in Siberia he's like ah fuck that I'm going to fuck the queen and do you know he had the biggest hog right now are we saving the hog

no no we could I mean I was going to get to that but by all accounts he had he had the biggest hog and they put it in a jar and I'd love to see his hog you can literally see his cock pickled well there's a funny story there's actually

there's a rival hog that can this so we'll get to his end but at the end supposedly they cut his dick off because he had this sort of massive hog and they pickle it and they put it in a museum but there's also a rival hog um there's actually inevitably as pickled that turns out to be a sea cucumber so that's how big is dick is that it could be mistaken for a sea cucumber i don't know many people's who has such a famous hog that it's pickled in a jar for everyone to see they're not doing that for mine. For mine

they're flying it into no man's land, dropping it into the sea like bin Laden. It's done too much damage. Get rid of it. It can't become a memorial site. It can't be a martyr dick. Look at that. That's a sea cucumber. That's the kind of girth. Look at that standing up at 90 degrees. That's terrifying. Imagine that's a few of it's dead. I guess if you had that sort of

sea cucumber, you probably would want to fuck your way to say Petersburg. Yeah, why not? He basically fucked his way out the forest of Siberia. With a huge hog. Yeah. A sea hog. He's a bit of rough, I guess, in the high courts, because these people have been with these kind of quite fruity you know

limp-risted dukes with the tiny cocks and this fucking forest goat man comes out of Siberia stinky goat boy with a huge hog hung like a fucking horse

and it's just a bit of rough you get dick down by this smelly he had this apartment where all these there's a photo that you'll get up we just had of like him surrounded by posh women

he's like St. Petersburg it's a bit of rough as you say so he would go into the room he'd go into his bedroom and he'd say that I'm going to go commune with God does anyone else want to come and speak to God with me and these women would be like

yeah yeah I need salvation and they just go and fuck him because they think he's the Messiah they think he is Jesus reborn there's one woman that had women who had like a family with like three kids and she just left them to go move in and live in his house yeah she just wanted to be fucked by a stinky goat hog

man I don't get railed by this horribly smelly Rusklaught Putin. Rasklat Putin. So, you know, he's becoming this catnip to a certain type of Russian woman. And also at the same time, you know, the Tsar Nicholas falls in love with him in his own way. Yeah. Less so than the Tsarina.

No, but he, you know, because I think what makes his wife happy. Yeah. And I think that's also like. Happy wife, happy life. Yeah, that's why that's the cuck holds motto, isn't it? You know, you're a bit concerned that your wife's getting railed by a massive guy with a As long as she's happy. Happy wife, happy life.

I don't care. I'm just, I'll be in the wardrobe, yep, that looks nice. There's been lots of discussions about why he is able to sort of cure Alexi's outbreaks of hypophilia. Does he? Well, yeah, so there's a big moment, I don't know when it is, but, oh, fuck, this is, again, this is another reason why it's like a Russian novel, this moment, right? So, Rasputin is sort of spending time in St Petersburg, fucking everyone, apparently he drinks

like an absolute fish and he's getting his hog out in the middle of an over. Of course he is, yeah. And he's shaking it and going, oh, the Sarina loves this. Anyway, so he commutes back and forth to Siberia. He's doing a phone gag with his massive cog. He's going, oh, Sorina calling. Hello?

And that's how big as cock is that he can fill up to his ear. Took a happy TV. Hello? This huge hog. So he's going back to Siberia. And he goes back to Siberia, and he ends up getting stabbed by a woman with no nose. Get a photo of her up.

She's a prostitute who was given such a bad review that they cut her nose off right right um she looks pretty terrifying yeah fuck so she goes back to siberia and a woman with no nose stabs him because you'll fuck anything um because he's sort of becoming like uh at this point i should say the russian public are aware of him and they're aware that you know he's holding all this influence over the court and although that the the the duma which sir nicholas keeps shutting down uh it's being shown as the mirage that it is and there's still no really reforms or people are still poor hungry thick suffering but they kind of like it i mean it's all the whole thing's a fucking mess anyway on the day but it's seen as the excesses of the court

yeah the excesses of the court they've got this mad monk in there yeah on the day that he gets stabbed repeatedly by a woman with no nose is the same day franz fernand is assassinated in sarajevo which will end up causing starting world war one and is it the feeling that he's like a voodoo doll. Basically. Yeah. So while he's in Siberia

recovering from being stabbed by the woman with no nose, how does she smell? Ha. It's because she was attracted to his pheromone.

Probably terrible. That's why she was stabbing him. Yes, of course. Because she was the only person who was immune to his gift. Yes, because she can't

smell him. Yeah. She also probably in all seriousness smell awful. If we can be serious for a second, I think that

syphilitic prostitute from Siberia stunk like hell. Yeah. On a more serious note. She had a hole where her nose

should So maybe she smelt very well, actually. Maybe she's got it more. Maybe the nose gets in the way of smelling. If you just got rid of it, it had a hole. That's Daniel. Yeah, that's Daniela Westbrook, who still has a nose, but she doesn't have any nostrils, Charlie.

Thank you. Anyway, Rasputin gets shanked by Daniela Westbrook. While he is recovering in Siberia in a hospital, Alexi has a massive outbreak of fever phypillia. He's really horny. What's the fuck? he's 13 year old and he's

and the Zarina's going mad like it's a near death experience the Zarina's going absolutely mad and she calls for Rasputin and Rasputin sends her a telegram saying calm down

it's not his time everything's going to be fine and pussy glad everything got to be iry he said everything going to be arreid

pussy glad and this calms the Zarina and everyone thinks that the reason he could actually he did actually help

the boy is that the miracle drug at the time was aspirin right but aspirin's the worst thing you can take the hemophilia because it's a blood thinner fine so he says let the doctors leave the doctors leave him alone leave him be just calm down he's going to be fine so he they think that maybe buying him with drugs that actually worse for him yeah and actually that they think a large part of it was psychosomatic and the fact that he calmed the mother meant the boy could stay calm right and like apparently if you're bleeding a lot if you calm down have a cup of tea you're fine I don't know if I can know, I'm not a scientist. Anyway, Rasputin

desperately doesn't think Russia should join World War I. And he warns against the Tsar going to war. But the Tsar, he thinks this is his moment and he thinks this is a great time. So he, I think also he's like...

Is it an imperial game and he wants to go involved? Is he William I second's cousin? Is he Wilhelm? Yeah, but also he looks identical to the British king as well. Well, they're related, aren't they? Or his wife is. So they're all related. They're all related.

Anyway, you know, the big incest gangbangs, you know, it's gone too far. World War I, to be honest, is, I don't know if you have cousins who have family fights in the comments on Facebook, but I certainly do. I have a whole side of my family who they will just get into huge public fights. Right. One will post a status about the old one being a snake and they'll just comment. That's kind of what World War I was. Yeah, yeah, it is.

Queen Victoria's grandchildren. Squabbling. You're a fucking snake. Well, you know, you don't even know you're fucking born, you know, that sort of stuff. So, Russia joins World War I, and it starts going badly pretty quickly, and they lose, like, start losing millions of men. Well, they're not, which they, which they, they're fucking, they love. Yeah.

And Russia have modernized a bit, but not at all built to deal with machine. Yeah, they're ill-equipped. They're not trained. They lost the Japanese, for Christ's sake. So at some point, Nicholas II. decide, I think in 1915 to take control of the armed forces himself because that's how much of a

Well, he also thinks he'll boost morale so he gets to the front line but he's not charismatic and he's not built for that sort of stuff at all He's boring, he's sad, he's weak He just makes everyone even more depressed They go, oh what, we're fine for this come, fuck And he's got terrible military leadership He doesn't know anything.

He appoints terrible people and also Russ Putin, even though he was against the war, he's so much in the ear of the Tsarina and the Saar that he's helping getting military appointments. Well, so this is where he really comes into. It comes back to St. Petersburg and in the absence of St. Nicholas II, the Zarina

basically starts running Russia but she's... Yes. But she's thick as shit. Yeah. She's thick as shit. And annoying. And annoying. And she's fucking a guy who smells. Yeah. And so the smelly guy with a big hog and the thick, ugly dumb bitch are running Russia, right? I couldn't have put it

at myself. There you go. Just smack up through the covers. Get on with it. Right. Next ball. And so suddenly they have something like... They're constant, I don't know, I don't know how many. Let's say four prime ministers in a year. They're constantly firing. There's constant cabinet reshuffles.

They're just appointing people that they think they like. They don't know anything. This is where the propaganda about Rasputin really starts going out of control. Do you touch on his drug taking as well? Oh, yeah. Is he giving the king? The Nicholas, right? Yeah, giving the king a lot of opiums and cocaine.

He's giving him gear. Right. And that's why Nicholas likes him. He's like, cool the guy. Yeah. Telegram the guy. Where's the smelly guy? Yeah.

I want that smelly guy stuff So he's giving him gear He's probably boning his wife But Nicholas loves it Because he's a cock Yeah A lot of sickos in the court at the moment Yeah

And then he's Raspuzon's like Hey if you got any long ropes In this house Do you want to see something fun You want to have a really good time You want to have a really good time Let's get all your mates together So there's a big belief

From the Russian public That he's a German spy Because things are going so terribly Right The war's going back The war's very unpopular instantly Because they have even less bread

And they didn't have bread to begin with no but they're obsessed with bread these people they're always going about bread yeah expand your diet I guess it's the only thing that's not cabbage or beetroot

I mean it's really grim so the faith in the monarchy which is already bad pretty much the bottom falls out of it right and Rasputin tries to fuck that obviously so so this is where it gets

really really juicy in 1916 there's a lot of elite a lot of other people in the Russian aristocracy that think Rasputan is the problem and we need to get rid of him

in order to save the Tsar I mean they're partially right They're partially right The problem is Nicholas really And the whole institution Yeah But anyway So there's a guy called Prince Yusuf

Right Who's the Saurin as nephew So he's related to Queen Victoria as well He had been to Oxford Been to the Bullenden Club He starts a plot to kill Rasputin Right And the way he does this

The way he tricks Rasputin into meeting him is he says I'm bisexual I think he is bisexual and his wife's a bit of a goer as well and I want you to come Just tell me a time I'll be there I want you to come with my wife

and I want to see how big your hog is Brilliant Midnight, midnight, midnight all right Yeah fine So Rasputin goes to his house And what he does is he He makes it look like a big Party scene

Yeah downstairs in the basement This is like he's dressing a set for a play Yeah Almost like immersive theatre right Yeah Yeah and check all the...

It's a punch trunk. Yes. Punch. So he lays out these cakes that are laced with cyanide and then Madeira wine that's laced with cyanide. I mean,

Madeira wine and cakes is quite a... It's all quite a rich, isn't it? Yeah. What are you saying? It should be beers and crisps. Laced with cyanide. Like if they're trying to get me

and it's cakes with Madeira wine, I'm like, that's a bit much. Well, I guess he probably hasn't planned many assassinations and he's getting a bit dark. bastardly with it.

He's basing of novels he's read. It's more like the wine and the cake. And also apparently the British Secret Service planned this with him. Right.

Apparently. Anthony Beaver thinks... Bivo. Bivo. Anthony Bivo thinks the British Secret Service were involved in killing Rasputan.

Oh, okay. Well, Bivo says. You know the rules. Yeah. So he eats the cakes. He's like a 10-year-old Finn Taylor

with a trade mince pies. He scoffs the cakes. He's licking their lips. Licking their lips. The icing off the cake. Yeah. He downs the cakes. the Madeira wine.

Whole bottle of it. I mean, Madeira wine is nice on its own with cakes. Anyway, scoffs that. Belches. And then he's like, what's next?

Come on. When we fucking. I want to fuck now. I've had my wine. I've had my cakes. I want to fuck. Brilliant. The guys are like...

They're staring at him. Is there any even flicker of... Do you feel you're feeling all right? You're sure you want to fuck my wife? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You think I smell bad. Wait till I'll show you this. Gets his hog out.

It smells even worse than a goat. So then what they do is they go, hey, do you know what? crucifix you'll probably like because you're a priest remember he's like am i oh yeah fuck i'm a priest yeah whatever all right so he goes to show him the crucifix and he bends down uh to see the crucifix and then uspof or his mate shoots him three times in the back like a hero by the way to cover up the sounds of assassinations during this they've got a gramophone that's right playing yankee doodle dandy top of the hit parade in 1916 which is does just set the scene brilliantly get the

YouTube video up and just skip ahead. So this is playing. He shoots him three times. And then, so then they like, right, let's move the body. And they go to, they turn him over, right? And they go to start this like zipping him up. And then he goes, ah, fuck. And then he's like, they run away because they're scared.

And then they come back and he's just completely gone. Yeah. Fuck, where'd he gone? And he is, and this is a very cinematic, he's now, it's like, it's one end the morning it's it's December in Russia there's snow everywhere and Rasputin is like trudging on his hands of knees blood like wah ha ha ha you think I smell bad and I'm bleeding

sort of like Nosphorus too sort of he's trying to fuck people yeah he's trying to fuck people he sees in the street he's getting his hog out then they come up behind him and they shoot him in the back of their head brilliant and then they go they wrap him in chains and they go chuck him in a river underneath the ice right but then when they find the body the next day they find that there's water in his life

which means that he was still breathing even though he'd been shot in the head and he had ice underneath his fingernails and there was scratch marks under the ice so he'd been, he'd been, the rumour goes the myth is that he'd been alive all this time as cockroach and he only actually died from drowning. Before that

when they throw in the water apparently he comes back to life once he gets in the water in the water he comes out and they shoot crazy and then they chop his hog off and pickle it they chop off his hog off and pickle it and that's when he dies yeah it's it's like samson's hair

cut his hog off and he's like all right done so December 1916 Rasputin dies and they think this will save the PR of the royal family more than anything yeah yeah when Nicholas finds out he's absolutely

devastated he's like well the fuck am I going to get my gear now yeah and the Tsarina is obviously distraught yeah so Rasputin rasklat Putin has he's had his last split he's he's dead however he died

what actually happened is that Yusufov wrote a book about the assassination a fallacious novel and it was around the same time as the first horror film Nostiratu so that's probably what actually happened

right is that he made it all up to try and talk about it anyway Rasputin dies but what has been set in motion by his corruption and his

you know he was he was really the real saw for the last two years of his wife what's been set in motion is the absolute complete collapse of Russia

as a monarchy and who's going to take advantage who's going to steal the momentum in our next episode we will deal with the boys the boring boys the Bolsheviks if you'd like to listen to that episode now that's already on our Patreon

where every episode of this series is but if not we will see you next time for more Russian Revolution thank you and good night I'm going to be able to go.