Fin vs History - Richard The Niro and Salad Cream Pacino | Saladin & The Third Crusade (Part 2)

Episode Date: April 2, 2026

This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh  Berghain, ice skating & puddles of cum – welcome to The Third Crusade.   The Third Crusade (Part Two) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor  Chapters: 00:00 -  I Love Heat 03:33 -  Presbyterian Voodoo Doll 06:24 - Hiyatollah 12:03 - Back Blown Out Mountain 16:65 - Isis Vs Nazis 19:84 -  Mopping Up Cum 21:76 - The Echoes Of Saddam 24:36 - Nutty Putty 29.51 - Firm But Fair 35:14 - Gay Men On Ice 41:30- Fat Porridge Woman 49:26 - Shamima Gould  51:33 - John The Cunt   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In communities across Canada, hourly Amazon employees can grow their skills and their paycheck by enrolling in free skills training programs for in-demand fields. Learn more at aboutamazon.ca. After 19 years, they're back. Frankie Munis, Brian Cranston, and the rest of the family reunite in Malcolm in the middle, life's still unfair. After 10 years avoiding them how in lowest demand Malcolm be at their anniversary party, pulling him straight back into their chaos. Malcolm in the middle, life's still unfair.

A special four-part event, streaming April 10th on Hulu on Disney Plus. Welcome back to Finn versus History. Once again, I'm with Horatio Gold. Hi. And this is part two of our epic dive into the Third Crusade. Yeah, our romp through the Middle East. Through the Holy Land.

Has anyone romped through the Middle East ever? Horatio Gold. I think it's a consistent romp. I really like these questions where you're just completely on the back foot. Well, I'd say it's been a consistent romp. Should the age of consent, Be load. Horatio Gould.

Um, yes. No, I mean, what? Interesting. Very interesting. Not a paed of far. I mean, yes, I am. What age should it be?

14. Ah, shit. You've done it. You fucked it. You fucked it. I'd love it. And that'd be my question every time. Because it looks like you're opening up and then you just turn it to someone to that next to you.

Yeah. It's such a great hospital pass. Yeah. Age of content. Should it be lowered. Horatio gold. Brilliant. Anyway,

uh, we're talking about the third cruise. In our previous episode, we went deep. We did. We went really deep on salad cream and Richard the Lionheart. The two main characters in this story. This is the most cinematic of the Crusades, probably. Probably, yeah.

And we're in the 1190s, I think. Is that right? This is a crusade where there's more talent on show. The first crusade, I find funnier and weirder and stranger because there's a lot of idiots making terrible decisions. Yes. But this seems to be based around charismatic, figures on both sides.

And there's like that side's much more cinema. It's a lot like heat, I feel, this crusade. I am listening. Where it feels like, it depends which side you are, who's Al Pacino, who's De Niro. But they both have a lot of respect for each other and view each other as sort of like equals. I guess Pacino's Richard the Lionheart because I can't.

No, I can't imagine Saladin going, She got a crate ass! I can't imagine. It's a good point. Well made. One of the only important. impressions I can do so I do get it out at any point I can. But yeah, that's the two of them and that

that's why they're often... Sorry, it's also funnier when you know when you watch the interviews about how they made that film and you realize that he, Michael Mann, made Al Pacino do that scene 50 times until he shouted that. No, yeah, that's what I was. Yeah. Could have just told him to do it, but Pacino just lost it. And to be honest, I've watched it many times. Sometimes he's too much for me, sometimes he's not. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes Pacino's a little too much.

Don't let you set. This is, so this is something that Saladin would have said don't let yourself get attached to anything you're not willing to walk away from in 30 seconds flat if you feel that heat around the corner. That's what Saladin says. Yeah, that's him. Yeah.

He feels the crusaders coming. He's like, right, just get out of here. Let's get out of here. Leave the wife. See you later. I also, if I was ever to get a tattoo, it would be that quote. Is that what you're like with your family?

Yeah. They don't know that, but that is what I'm thinking. The most tied down man in comedy. In my head. Things he's in heat. I've got a tattoo in my arm. The most stable. rooted man

incommod. Get attached to anything. You're not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat. If you feel the heat.

With two kids and a mortgage. If the patron number starts a tumble, if the daily mail come for us, I'm walking out of the door. I'm just...

Is that we lost three patrons, Finn? I've gone. I've gone. I've gone. I've left my wife and kids. I've gone.

Three patrons is a tragedy. It's heat. It's the heat. It's the heat. It's the heat. God, I love fucking. I love her. I should have brought up.

Oh, it's the best. I shouldn't have brought it up. Anyway, we're talking about medieval heat. Yeah, it is medieval heat. It is, it's the third crusade. We're in the 1190s, we should place this. We didn't actually place it last time. We sort of did.

We didn't have. It was before fibre powder. Let's not get into fiber powder. I feel that we've, what have you found, Charlie? The life expectancy in the UK in 1190 is about 32. Christ, that is poor. So I'm doing well for 1190.

Charlie, this is about, I'm dead in two years. In the middle-aged? Yeah, that makes sense. You're living like the middle ages, though. You're eating dog food. No, but again, you've made this point, the average is heavily influenced by a high rate of child mortality.

So if you make it past eight, you're sorted. You're into your 50s. Yeah. Is it before the Magna Carta? It is before the Magna Carta? Just before the Magna Carta. And is it after? Yeah.

Done it. We've done it the wrong way around. No, no, it's before the Magna Carta. After Roland the Farta? No, I think it's before Roland the Farta. No, I think rolling the farta is in the first group. say, doesn't he? Let's have a look. 12th century. Here we go. Has Charlie

just nailed that? King Henry the second? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Wow. Wow. He's pulled it back. Do you know what I've just done there? I've thrown the microphone to clap and I've hit my balls with the microphone and it really hurts. An injury? Yep. You've got to be careful of it occupational hazard. You're an athlete. Gonna have to have a minute.

You might need to have a... You might have to fill while I see pink and yellow spots. That happened to me while I was walking across a playground aged about eight or nine. And you know those miniature footballs? They're like size, yeah. Got one just square in the Nads. Someone, someone like absolutely Hitzelsberged it across the, across the playground.

And it's the pain that shudders through your ancestors, you know, in Moonland. They can all feel it. It's that painful. My granddad is, my granddad's in Edinburgh. He's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Like a voodoo doll. Presbyterian voodoo doll.

But yeah, between the Magna Carta and Roland the Farta is absolutely incredible. We've not even, have we unlocked a new the rhyming placements. Because that could be. If we try and do that from now on. One thing you do have to appreciate,

we'd ever pre-plan these. They're always off the dome. Yeah. But Magna Carta, Roland the Fartter is pretty extraordinary. Wow. I mean, that's what you have for having a poet producer. You know?

Does he poo where you, anyone else does? No. But he can rhyme. A million ways to rhyme with farta. Yeah. He's got that, like, locked down. Yeah. You should be, you know how there are those people on Instagram

who just, who are trying to be, rappers who just post the one rap they do like over and over again. Piss poor button poo rich. Yeah. Well that guy. I wear Nike. You wear Slashinger. I'm the pilot.

You're passing that guy. It's like that. It's that one song he does. He just does it over and over again. You should do that with your... Rolling the fart and Magna Carta. Yeah, all that. Or your poo poems.

Anyway. So, betwixt, Roland the Farta and the Magna Carta is the Third Cruset. That's terrific stuff, Charlie. You're like an aging. striker who has been on the bench for ages and you've come on and you've just got yourself a one year renewed contract with one

lucky goal. Yeah. Because really there's been a lot of problems recently with your production. But one rhyme and he's... That's the magic. King Richard the line art is responding to Greg the 8th's

plea for a third crusade because Saladin has turned Jerusalem into Jerusalem. Dinistan. Yeah, who has cameras everywhere. Who has cameras everywhere? Van drivers are up in arms. Bone snatchers.

Nothing's been done about them. Knife crime. You know, what even is this city anymore? Yeah. It's illegal to be polite. Yep. They've closed all the pubs. Yeah.

Richard I is setting off with Philip II of France and Frederick Barbarossa. Now, Richard the First and Rich Philip the second are supposedly more than friends. Horatio Gould. Well, so Philip obviously helped get. Benders, Horatio Gold. Well, I think the phrasing of that probably is not the right term. But did they fuck each other up the ass regularly? Probably yes.

What are we calling Benders in the 1190s? What's the equivalent term? Mudstiffers. I mean, Crusaders, in a sense. Cruise. Cruising. The Crusaders. Yeah, this is probably why they did it because they misunderstood it.

I mean, Sodomite, bugger, effeminate man, vices against nature oh I love that one but yes they viewed it very much the F word is around is it no it's just before the F word lovely okay oh interesting well yeah there's another

so it's hard to Roland the Fartre and it's before rolling the anyway so yes supposedly Richard the first and Philip the second put the cruise in crusade yeah that's great stuff

that's absolutely great stuff but yes because Philip obviously put Richard on the throne Philip is the king of France What's the throne in this? It's a little bit like Now I've helped you

Go on then You've got to help me But how do we know That these guys had a potential It's very much Bebant Boe Right Well there's a chronicler called

Roger of Howden Right And Roger Hardin says Bitch at the burst And Billet the Beck and bum each other Now Roger of Howden Is not an uncle Who works at Hounden's kitchens

He is a chronicler Who says The Two Kings Eat Every Day At the same table from the same dish and at night their beds did not separate them which now that could mean

they have dinner together every night and sleep in the same bed or it could be euphemisms for just sort of rimming each other all the time yeah because it was meant to show how close the diplomatic relationship was but I guess

why I'm behind closed doors so eating from the same plate so supposedly you would share a bed in the 12th century as a sort of powerful diplomatic symbol so like if you'd sign a treaty with like the EU Kirstarmer would be in bed with us

Levin the lion. Yeah. Or like, it would be like Trump and Xi Jinping spooning. Yeah. Yeah.

Or, I mean, they probably should bring that back. It probably would foster closeness. Or is it quite annoying? I think another man's

leaving another man's bed. It can be quite annoying. You're quite used to your own tops and tailing. Yeah, you've got a nighttime routine.

You can't imagine like when they signed the nuclear deal, Obama and the Ayatoller are tops and tailing. You can't imagine that. Yeah. Yeah.

I think you also get quite set in your ways about how you like things. I think you wouldn't want to be... Yeah, I think it would actually lead to more tensions because you'd argue Itoll have probably... He looks like he snores.

Oh, yeah. He needs a pat-fucking mask. He snores when he's away. Yeah. Yeah, grumpy kids. He's grumpy. Yeah. Well, rest in peace.

Rest in power. We heard the new it toll is gay. Is he? Type in, new eyetoll are gay. Grumpykins' son is gay. This apparently is what... No wonder he was so grumpy. Oh, yeah.

Oh, look. iagobbler i gobble your knobber gay a tobler gayatola gayatollah yeah I guess so the gayatollah

I fuck atholah sorry I fuck a guyatoller gayetola I like guy it's not it's that's right New Ayatollah is

is meant to be maybe gay I mean he's experimented a bit but you know basically a turn to reports. Listen, if the top story is from India today, it's bollocks. No, it's Sky News Australia. It's bollocks. Let's bring in Sky News contributor,

Kosher Gator now, and Kosha, let's start with this incredible story. It is a massive. New Iran leader may be gay. Christ. Australian News, Fairfax. They've got intelligence reports, so he's probably out there. They're a thousand blossoms bloom as far as armed as.

But I don't have been a little time on it. Because the otollers guy. Right. Well, you're that repress, I reckon. it's probably such a nightmare. The whole thing is such a nightmare. Because he's being gay Ayatollah. He's being weird and grumpy for like the whole time.

I think you've really got to work it out on your own a bit. I do hope he's gay. It would be... Oh, narratively, it's phenomenal. It's brilliant. The new Iotler is gay. But as we know, that's what you should have done.

That's what you should have done. Higher taller! Higher! Less Ayatoller, more higher taller. That's what you should have done. Yeah. Right. We got there on the end.

We got there. Charlie just, just frequently, a gay talk. Oh, it's there somewhere. This episode is sponsored by Surf Shark. Oh my God. I love Surf Shark. They are our most loyal sponsor.

Yes. We can do nothing to lose them. They're a VPN. Vigna Pussy Network. They're a vagina Pussy Network for you, Basement Dwellers who want to. Viral Paterfile Network. Viral Pidophile Network.

There are many things. They will enable you to access whatever disgusting content you'd like to in the comfort of your own command center how many screens they are your mother's basement but is your command center when she's gone shopping

when she's gone shopping it's your command center how many screens do you have down there how big is the chair how big is your neck support do you have a slushing machine down there that you stole from a regional Cineplex how hard is it for you to say when you spend it all on katanas do you 3D print your own swords your own throwing stars if you're struggling to do all this surf shark can help

I don't know I still don't know what Surf Shark is. I do actually use a VPN. I use Surf Shark. Do you? Yeah. Well, please tell me. And it's great. I was just on holiday. I tell Surfshar, I say tell, tell the internet I'm in Britain. And it believes you. And it believes me. I can be a patriot away from home. Can I be in my shed, outdoor in my shed? And I set my find my friends to down the road. So my wife doesn't know I'm in the shed, but she won't bother me. Can I do that? That's how VPN's work. When you change your VPN, it doesn't mean that you'll find my friends just zoos into like India or something. I would love that. Can you scramble my wife?

It's fine my friends, without me turning it off. If Surfshark can unlock that, they've got my full support. That's what Surfshark does. It means that you can get past block content. Now I set my VPN to Moscow. What's Russia today saying? You need a VPN, a venal piles network. I want to look at pictures of people's piles.

Yes. I want to look at pictures of celebrities piles. Is that a crime? It's not. Is it unwise? Definitely. It's unwise, but it's not illegal. VPN.

Very pooey, Nigel. Very pooey, Nigel. You know, you need. one in your life. Secure your digital life with surf sharks, very pooing Nigel. Risk free. It's not risk free. We must reiterate this.

Surf shark do not take any liability for what you Google and nor do we. My God. You can go to surfshark.com slash FVH. You know it. Say it with me. Check into the Foxshot Vagina Hotel. Yes. Click the link and you get four extra months of Surfshark.

Do not let the online threat catch you off guard. When West Jet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJetting welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years.

Anyway, this is before the hire, toller, okay, we are talking about Philip the 2nd and Richard the Lionheart, who were bed buddies at best. Yeah, Blackbone Out Mountain. What? It's black, but...

He might be Biator. You never know. He could be biotaller. That's good. What? Mixed. Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Anyway, what did you say? Did you say Black blown out mountain? Is that what you were trying to say? Back blown out mountain. Right, okay. Back blown out mountain. Richard is the Lionheart, Philip II. And now, Richard goes,

in April 1191, while sailing east to Jerusalem, a storm scatters his fleet. So several ships, including his sister Joan and his future wife, Balenciaga, or whatever she's called, they're wrecked off the coast of Cyprus. No, to da-stice, horrible, isn't it? Now, survivors are reportedly mistreated by Isaac,

the ruler of Cyprus, right? Who's a Byzantine noble. Now, instead of offering the hospitality, which you're meant to offer to Crusaders, or Christian pilgrims, he exploits them, and he seizes all the ships, and he then seizes all the weapons and stuff that's intended for the crusade,

and then he captures all the royal hostages to try and secure a massive ransom, right? Which is very agi for a Cypriot. Yeah, come on. Come on. Rain it in. This is a thousand years after you went to bed. What are you doing? What are you doing up?

What are you doing up at this time? It's 1190, Cyprus. Go back to bed. So Richard arrives is obviously furious. I mean, this is you sending your kids to bed. Yeah, back to sleep. Now, now, light off. Don't make me Japan you.

Okay. Richard then launches an amphibious assault on Cyprus and captures Isaac immediately. You know, obviously you're thinking of a D-Day landing scene but the D-Day, you know, the Nazi gunners are just in plastic chairs with arrows. It's not the same. Oh, please.

No, they're coming. I could say, oh, no, I stopped. So upon a surrender, Isaac says, don't chain me an iron, mate. Don't fucking chain me an iron. Fuck off. Come on, e'en it, isn't it? And Richard mockingly agrees and then has a set of silver chains forged for him.

But it's interesting, the Brits and Cyprus, right? There's a long history. And also right now, the R-A-F base that has been sending any fighters that were helping with the straight of Hormuz. Hormuz. It's coming out of the base in Cyprus. Yeah. So this is the beginning of a British, you know, base in Cyprus. You're right.

The long roads. To aid conquest in the Middle East. So it's the same. It is. You're right. You're right. You're right. The power, the echoes of history.

Now, the conquest of Cyprus has major strategic consequences for the crusade because it's a naval base and supply lines to the Holy Land, right? Which means that Richard has secured a sort of independent power. Now, we haven't talked about Frederick Barbarossa, who he actually goes to, he sets off first before Richard and Philip to the Holy Lands. He has the largest crusader army ever assembled. The medieval Hitler. He's medieval Hitler. Right. He's stinky Hitler, right? 20,000 men, German fighters, he's crossing a river in maybe Turkey or Syria, falls off a horse, drowns, and then everyone else is like, oh, do we just go home?

They just sort of go home. Because in this day and age... And this is what Hitler named his operation after. Yes. Yeah. He also united all the Germanic tribes. So I think it's not named after. after him falling off a horse.

Actually, it's quite funny, I suppose, in that the eastern front was essentially just fell off a horse, then now, shit, it's going on, then. Yeah, sorry. Historians say that if he had survived and got to the Holy Land, that would have been the main fight.

Hitler versus the jihadis. That's a fight we all would deny. Yeah, yeah, come on. ISIS versus Nazis. ISIS versus Nazis. Come on. Who's going to give us that? Yeah.

It's like AJ in fucking Fury. But it's like those fight simulators. Fight, you cowards. Do you know what I mean? Do you know those fights? When you can do like 10, dinosaurs versus 10,000 wizards. It's like, it's one of those ones.

Yes, but for neuronalms. ISIS versus Nazis. Anyway, we were denied ISIS versus Nazis because the Nazis drowned in a river. In Cyprus, Richard Lianhart marries Prolensiaga. The marriage is politically useful, but it does not produce any legitimate

heirs, which again adds to the speculation that he was a... Well, you couldn't get it up, do you think? Like, I don't understand that. Surely he'd just stick it in a once, at least to get a kid. But if he's, if he's in love with Philip, if he's a boss. You wouldn't do that to Philip? No.

Right. Interesting. Philip's quite a gay name. Yeah, it is Philip. Now, the siege of acre. Ladies, warning. Yeah, this is pretty. We will be discussing trebushes.

We will be discussing siege politics, siege castles, trenches. If you've left the house without any spare knickers, you're on your right. Go back. If you can. Get off the train. It might be too late. Cross the platform. Get on the other train going the other way.

Text works saying you'll be late. Yeah, chafing. Beware. please apply nipple tape now so the European monarchs arrive in Acre in 1191 Acre is I believe in modern day Israel don't actually know it's our yes northern Israel right

Oh is it a holiday place now It's not Tel Aviv That really is the cruising crusaders Yeah Anyway so now the siege of Acre Saladin had been It was a crusader no it was a Muslim city This is quite confusing.

This is like a lasagna of a siege. Middle East is non-binary. Gender fluid. Its identity is... I think it is quite binary, famously. Well, it's constantly fluctuating. It's... It's someone who can't make up the mind if they're trans or not.

So, the Muslims are defending the city of Aka, right? Which is in northern Israel, today's language. Just outside that, crusader forces are surrounded it and they're trying to breach the defenses. and then outside that, Saladin's army have surrounded the Crusaders cutting them off from the mainland. Does it sound quite gay? So they're forcing on two fronts.

Do you know what I mean? This feels like an organisation of an orgy, do you know what I mean? Now, are orgies ever organised to that extent? I think sometimes, I think certain, there must be some sort of gay cultures that are very, like, regimented.

Yeah. And I imagine there was probably some gay Nazi, but what did the gay Nazis do? I imagine they organised it like this. Charlie, what have you found? A Reddit threads thinking about hosting an orgy need advice and tips.

Light a few scented candles or anything to help mask the smells of sex. Yeah, I think the smell is a big problem with an orgy. No hard liquor. Isn't that part of the vibe though? I think more for chem sexy stuff maybe.

Maybe if you're French, but yeah, that's part of it. But surely if you're in that mood, then you want that smell. It's afterwards when you're cleaning up that you want to get the, you know, air freshener out. Yeah. I don't know.

Wouldn't be for me. It's not for me. Apparently the team that cleans Bergheim on Monday morning is like they're literally just mopping up come. Well, yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

It's not, I don't know how much, how groundbreaking. There's probably a lot of people who pay money to do that with, and they don't have any cleaning tools. Put it that way. Yeah. They're on all fours with their mouths open.

Cleaning. It's a self-cleaning club, really, isn't it? That's where the Piscoplin is, right? Yeah, he's Burkine, isn't it? They don't even need. toilets. Yeah. The money they save on plumbing, on cleaners.

Yeah. It's a, it's a terrific business model as a club, isn't it? But morally, it's a stain on the planet. Anyway. Now, the conditions at the Siege of Acre

is horrible. Skirvian dysentery. This is very much still very orgy sort of vibes. Again, I'll be talking about the Siege of Acre? Is that what I call by, you know, some kind of orgy? eye witness accounts describe a hellscape

of rotting corpses and foul water this is me in Birkine my God have you no shame this account for Birkine just here Jeremy Clarkson goes to Berkine This is a most violent sickness Has seized the army

Their legs and faces swelled up They had such swelling in their face That their teeth fell from their mouths Now the air was corrupted by the stench of the corpses That many of the most noble And valiant nights died from the smell Like your girlfriend on holiday with Charlie.

The smell. She's got to take it back in a body bag. Now so Saladin's forces, and this is not cricket, they throw dead bodies into the rivers to pollute the water sources. It's an early form of biological warfare. Yeah.

This is a man from northern Iraq with chemical weapons. It all starts here. I'm listening. Saddam, the echoes of Saddam. So... Saddam, Saddam. Saddam.

Saddam. so now despite the brutality the Third Crusade is more remembered for the fact that Richard and Saladin were quite nice to each other Yeah, it's heat It is heat Richard the first and Philip the second They fall ill with scurvy

Or was it? Or was it, yeah, was it AIDS? Who knows? Richard's teeth are starting to fall out And his hair falls out in clumps Maybe because of stress It's got high cortisol To put it mildly

Phillips loses a finger toenails their faces swell up to the point of being unrecognizable but salad cream upon hearing of their illness sends them fresh fruit and mountain snow to cool their drinks it's just a bit

there's like a gay vibe going between all three there's like a there's a tension there yeah there's an element of is this the high point of medieval chivalry is this when this is really I think a hundred years war probably is when it

really so that's in about a hundred years but it's around here for sure. Yeah. So eventually their symptoms pass because of Saladin's fruit. Now, we don't know what, can we, do we find out what fruit it is, Charlie? Can you Google what fruit?

And we don't know if Richard's a fruit. The jury is still out. Is it a fruit eating fruit? I mean, if Richard was a fruit, then Philip II would be cured straight away. Because he's got his mouth in his ass, it seems. Yeah, maybe fruits don't cure skully. Yeah. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Two fruits don't cure scorn things. What was it, Johnny? He sent pears and plums. Pairs and plums. You've made that up, haven't you? No. Pairs and plums. Pairs and plums.

But they didn't know that fruit cured scurvy at this point, did they? And where has he got the ice from? Snow, from the mountain. He's up at the mountain. Is he up on the mountain? Yeah. Sounds delicious. Pairs and plums in a load of snow would be lovely.

Surely the snow would have melted before it got to Richard. That's what I was thinking. But I imagine if you put it in a big enough thing and then run it down. Nothing gets past this car. Nothing gets past this car. Nothing. But I think if you put it in a big chest and run it down, you might have some left.

Right, okay. So Richard recovers from his scurvy. He eats salad creams, pear and plums. And eventually the final assault on Aker. And he's crucial to breaking the siege. This siege is brutal. It's going on for two years. I think it's one of the longest sieges.

I'd hate the siege. Maybe until the siege of Leningrad. Maybe. That two years is longer than Leningrad. Oh, Leningrad? No, it's 800 days. Sorry. Is there a time limit on a siege?

Is there a time limit? What it implies that movement. Right. Is there like a, you can't have a 10-year siege? You can. Can you? How long was the siege of Leningrad? Longest siege.

Let's have a look. Oh, 33 years, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, that seems like it shouldn't be called a siege. That's like a naval blockade though. Moroccan forces against the Spanish held city of Cuita. 33 years.

Wow. And then around the same time was one for 21 years. This is kind of the golden age of the long shift. Yeah. So Acre, the siege intensifies, and then the Crusaders employ advanced medieval siege craft. Ladies, grip your armrest. Fellers, lock in. Massive catapults and trebushes to weaken the masonry.

Quick shot launches. If you're sat next to a woman on the train, give her a minute. Give them some space. Give her some tissue. Sappers start digging tunnels beneath the city. They prop these tunnels up with timber supports And then once the tunnels are dug They fill them with straw and pig fat

Then set fire to the timber To try and collapse the walls above from the inside To counter that The defenders of the city dig their own tunnels To intercept leading to hand to hand Battle's underground in tunnels Pretty fucking terrifying It's like the Nutty Pottie Cave incident

But there's also there's another guy What is the Nottie Pottie Cave incident? You know about the Nuttie Pottie Cave incident? type in the Nutty Patti Caves. I thought we talked about this. It's pretty horrific. This is a guy who went under ground caving, and then he took a wrong turn.

And he ended up sort of like Saddam. Upside down to Saddam. Upside down to Dan. Right. So we're just looking at, I'd switched a video. We're looking at a photo now of a man who could not be more, he could not be more of the wrong place of anyone I've ever said. Yeah.

So explain what you can see right now. I can see what looks like, well, there's clearly a way he was going and then he's gone sharply down and he seems to have hit some kind of he's at rock bottom you'd say. This guy has hit rock bottom. I mean, it is my girlfriend

a bottomless brunch very much. Oh yeah, it's the woman behind the sofa in the bottomless brunch. Yeah, so he took a wrong turn and then I guess what was terrifying is he was there for about 36 hours. Oh my God. And they were trying to get him out

and then yeah, he eventually the blood ran. to his head and he died. He died just from being upside down for 36 hours. Surely his heir. I think it was the pressure eventually killed him. And where is Nutty Puddy Cave? And why has he got such stupidly funny name?

I think this is a common spot for cavers. But yeah. Because that's like to his family. It's probably your, is anyone's nightmare. No one understands why you would ever cave, most people. But this is like. But what's so funny is that to his family, that name will be. as hallowed as like Auschwitz.

Nuttie Puddy Puddy Cove. Hallowed. Do not bring up Nuttie Puddy. Please. Can you stop making light of Nutty Puddy Cove? But I guess this is how people with anxiety feel in social situations.

Like a fucking C-Beebies show. Nifty Puddy Cove. Yeah. But it represents people with anxiety. That's how they feel during social interactions. What? Like they're stuck in Nuttie Puddy Cove?

What's just face down? Right. Why have you got Mr. Tumble up? I don't know. It just sounds like he would maybe like live Mr. Tumble and there's a Nottie Patti Gave. If they sent Mr. Tumble to rescue you from Nottie Gave, I'd be like, do you know what?

Leave me in here, actually. He creeps me out a bit, that guy. But that, but there's another French guy at the bottom with a knife. Oh, yeah. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. Subterrain. I mean, again, it's the Middle East.

It's fighting in tunnels. Not much has changed. No. Anyway. So after two years of stalemate, Acre falls within weeks once Richard arrives. Because his fleet establishes a total block. aid, sinks and Muslimship carrying 650 soldiers and all their food, the garrison then

begins to starve within acre. All the points gained, for sure. Yes. Nothing cannot be a computer game. Yeah. Richard has two primary trebushes called Bad Neighbor and God's Own Sling. Got it, yeah. Ladies, take a minute.

God's own sling is pretty hard. Yeah, that's what I call my Trebyshire. God's own sling. a bad neighbor so this is like when they used to write on bombs so they were dropped

on the Japanese what would they write like fuck you I don't like sorry feels kind of irrelevant when it's a bomb

and it's going to explode isn't it or they'd write on bullets yeah wouldn't they say like well they're the guy shot Charlie Kirk oh yeah

what did he write on the bullet would he write said read this if you're gay that's pretty cool and so the poor coroner is another victim Oh, fuck.

Well, I'm going now. I go, fuck. Fuck. Add me to the list. And then Mangione had delay, denied, deposed. He's a bit more serious. He took a bit more seriously. He doesn't have the same sort of sent to humor as the Charlie Cut Killer.

So the Trebyshages damaged the walls, but rubble prevented clean entry. So anyway, Richard then tells the soldiers they have to remove heavy stones to get in. And then they don't want to do it. So he says you can get gold for every brick you remove. And eventually the soldiers get in. A final assault, July 9, 11, 91. And then there's surrender terms. And the defenders are exhausted.

And the city surrenders all its weaponry. This is what the city's commanders agree to without Saladin's permission. They're going to surrender the city. They're going to return the true cross, the bit of words that has no relevance to anything. Definitely died on. And they're going to release 2,000 Christian prisoners. This period is like, you know, like, you know, the whole. game of girls bathwater thing

where it's like it became like a whole thing that like an online Twitch streamer attractive girl who plays games sold her bath water for like thousands and thousands of pounds yes they're sort of doing this with Jesus right yes it's basically like Jesus farts in a jar

you've captured Jesus's farts in a jar those are my Christian farts it's kind of the same thing it is the same it's a bit weird now we don't have a god you're putting it saying, I want to smell that Twitch stream as knickers.

Yeah, I just want some fat check on the internet to fart in a jar. It's like, people used to go to church. We used to smell Jesus, the truth,

the Christ's farts in a jar. And now we're just smelling some fat woman playing World of Warcraft's farts and the West has fallen. Anyway, Aker surrenders on the 12th of July of M. 91. Richard and Philip raised their banners, which I imagine is the pride.

So it's triumphantly. Triumphantly. Which is gay. and so does Leopold the 5th of Austria, however he'd done nothing and they were like, who are you? There's then discussions with salad cream about the surrender and whether, so they both got hostages on both sides. Again, very similar parallels to today.

King Philip goes to France because he's ill. Weirdly, one thing that they should have taken from Hamas, these guys is paragliders. That would have been great in a siege. Yeah. Could flown over the walls. Yes, you're right. So that's one innovation.

But again, this is around. Is this around, you know, we did our flight series? And there was that Muslim guy who... Who has written himself into the history of flight, but more because he doesn't have any brain cells. But that was the sort of early Hamas paraglider, wasn't it? Wasn't he just jumping off buildings? But he had some kind of gliding thing.

You know, there was the long road to October 7th, whatever his name, Ibben, something. I don't remember what his name was. Anyway. So what would you do? If you're showing that in a film, would you have him jump off? And then as it's flying,

it goes into the plane that goes to the world dreads center. montage, yeah. And it ends with... No, he sees it all in his head. He's like, oh. Yeah. Anyway, so King Philip goes to France. Him and Richard are bickering

over who gets to control Cyprus and then who would get Jerusalem if they get it. This leaves Richard the Lionheart as the sole commander of the crusading forces. So there'd be no exchanges of prisoners by August the 20th

and because of the stalling, Richard acts decisively robustly and slaughtered two and a half thousand Muslim prisoners in sight of Salad Cream. Right. So some people say war crime. Others would say he was backed into a corner. He was firm.

He was firm but fair. Group high five. Yes, exactly. He went around and high five all of them. Yeah. And what happened after that is their own fault. Their own fault. I've just given you a high five. Why is your head full enough? Idiots. So salad Zallad cream immediately ordered the execution of 1600 questions, which is a tragedy

and a disgrace. And he His name should be mud because that's awful. That's absolutely awful. This is your hero, really. Anyway. So it's pretty bloody at this point. Having had lots of chivalry, the crusade is descending into blood.

What is it, Charlie? Sorry, Charlie, you're looking like... You're just looking like... Nothing's off. No, you're looking like a fox on a hunt who thinks he smelt something. You're literally like this. You look like my dog when she's seen a squirrel.

She's like, I'm coming for you. What's wrong? You're just sat quite far to the right of the... the sofa. I don't know if you... Fuck it. Crack on. Interestingly,

took my daughter's to the doctor yesterday and you know how we were having a discussion about what we call her front bum? Yes, yeah. Within a normal context. Yes. I don't bring it up. You know how we were calling?

You called me at one in the morning saying up... What are we going to call? I've got some new ideas for your daughter's front bum. For the nominicature of your daughter's twat. Anyway. So she'd been having, I think she's got a UTI basically. Right. And she went to the doctor.

And the doctor, because she's four now, doesn't talk to me. She talks to her. Okay. Doctors talks to her. And she's like, okay. It was a lovely bloke. And he goes, so, you know, you know where you are? She's like, yeah, I'm at the doctors.

And he's like, do you know why you're here? And she went, yeah. And so why are you here then? You're going to have a look at my fanny. And the doctor just loses it. And he goes, right. Is that right? And then I went, no.

But I was like, no, no, no, he is. A bit of fun. But yeah, but this is when we were talking about what to name my daughter's front bum. Fanny has won out now decisively. So Fanny's defeated all the competition. Much as Richard the Lionheart, Aker was decisive. Fanny has now, in her head, it's been crushed. Twat has crushed.

Minge didn't stand a chance. Salad cream, that's not there, apparently. We can't call it salad cream anymore. Get your salad cream out. Salad cream's horrible. That's got to be one of the worst names for a vagina. no. Anyway, yeah, no, so Fanny's one.

And I don't feel, I still feel slightly weird about it, but there's no right answer. But it's Victorian, so it maybe it has a level of like softness because of the amount of time it's been around. Yes, I guess so. Anyway, back to the Battle of Arsoff, which is not what I call her back bum. But it is an absolute battle down there. The 7th of September 1191. The Crusader forces then having conspicuous, successfully defeated the Muslims at Aker.

They moved down the coast to the port of Jaffa. I call it maybe the port of Jaffa. Yeah. Your daughter's friend. Oh, sorry, we're talking about that, yeah. No, don't call it the port of Jaffer. That's tasteless. Saladin's light cavalry continuously harasses Crusader lines.

This is harassment now. This is genuine harassment. Now, this is the tactic. This is what Saladin's trying to do is what he did at Hatton. is he's trying to lure the crusaders away from the water supply into the hinterland into a big decisive battle. He's trying to trick. Is that reverse Russians?

Totally. Yeah. He's trying to play on Richard's ego and say, come on then, come and actually defeat me. But Richard holds firm and manages to stay in a defensive formation along the whole coast. It's much like when you're ice skating for the first time.

I'm so bad at ice skating. But you're hugging the wall, right? That's me the entire time. And that's where you're strongest is when you're, hug in the wall. Yeah. And Saladin's trying to get you come out

to the middle when you're weak. There's a gay guy in the middle going, come on, be free. And he's doing things. And I'm like,

no, no, no. I'm not going to be loaded to the middle. But it's sort of like, I guess, you could bum me out there. I'm going to fight with a gay guy on an ice ring.

It's like having a fight with the shark in the ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. It is. No, I'm not coming out there. I'm never coming out there. How am I meant to win? I'm on your territory.

The ice is gay. Gay men are on ice. Straits don't do well on ice. It's true. It's when we're out of weakest. The gay and the girls. The ice is for the gays and the girls. That's right.

He's a great king. The last two great kings is that he was not tempted. Salad creams like, come on. Like spinning on the ice. You know, playing disco music and spinning. And Richard the Lionheart's like, no. It would be very funny. to see kind of, you know, figure skating doesn't seem to have crossed into the Paralympics and the Special Olympics.

Now, I don't, I don't. Is that true? I've not researched that. Charlie, can we look? You know, it's their wheelchair ice skating. I have everything crossed. But I would like, I would like to enter the Paralympic figure skating and just hug the side and see what they, see how they mark me. Here we go.

BBC Sport asked me anything. Why is figure skating not from the Paralympic? March 2026. Fans, tune into the Winter Paralympics will have spotted figure skating missing. from the program because the sports are not an international level yeah because there's a lot of people

just fucking like me holding onto the side of them anyway okay let's go back to the third crusade or maybe it should be straights doing figure skating yes the Paralympics straight men should enter the Paralympics in gay sports

and vice versa right so yes what other gay sport badminton? Badminton's gay figure skating is gay I think Luge is straight because you're just fucking it down the hillside.

What about double luge? Weirdly, straight, even though you have just strapped another man's ass to your car. No, it's two straight blokes just going on. Table tennis is gay. Table tennis is gay. Rock climbing is straight. Yes, very much so.

Shotputt is straight. Discus is a bit more gay, though. Yes, discos is gay. Javelin's straight. Yeah, javelins is straight as an arrow. Straight as an arrow. Long jump is straight. Triple jump is gay.

What's the one where you jump up? Is that what you're trying to get over the thing without knocking it? Yeah. Have you seen the footage of the pole balter who catches his willie? Glorious. Phil Babs himself on a pole. I think the way that you have to avoid, you know how it's like you're just avoiding, that's gay. Yeah, yeah, that is.

But yeah, so straight men should, oh, this is, this is, straight men should enter the Paralympics within gay sports. That should be a new category, you know. Agreed. Motion carried. Claire balding, is she an Olympian or a Paralympian? She was in horse riding, which is gay, so she's an Olympian because she's gay. Do you see what I mean?

Yes. Faultless logic. Thank you. Rowing is straight. For sure. Where on earth are we? The Crusaders... This is him.

He's holding on to the side of the ice ring. I'm currently holding on to the side of the ice ring. Of course. Down the coast. Now, Saladin positions his... full army north of the town of Arsuff in a final attempt to stop the crusaders before they reach Jaffa. Now while crossing open ground near Arsuff, the Knights Hospitalié, who had been bearing the brunt of the harassment, they break formation and they charge, which forces Richard to

commit his entire army to a counterattack, which then takes the Saladin's army by surprise, because Richard had been so defensive, and they break Saladin's lines and force him to withdraw. So what he did well there is even though he had a very defensive plan, when it broke, he was like, I'm going to commit fully. I'm going into the ice. Fuck, what I do. But by that point, the gay guy got figure skater was tired.

Yeah. So. Dizzy from spinning. Saladin's field army is unable to mount a second defense and clears the path for Lionheart to secure Jaffer. So Jaffa secured in 1191 and it becomes the main operating base for Richard, which gives the Crusaders a fortified port. Beachhead.

It is a beachhead. Calm down. Men in Surrey who work in middle management. Calm down. So there, Richard can begin his plan to free Jerusalemistan and make it Jerusalem again. So the first advance on Jerusalem and at Jerusalem is in 1191. So they get to about 12 miles away, but the leadership starts to grow concerned because the winter conditions and the supply lines aren't there. And they realize that even if they capture it, they're not going to be able to hold it.

So they withdraw. And then the second advance is 1192. And they again march towards Jerusalem. And again, they get there quite close, but Saladin dismantle some of the city's outer defenses. So the Crusaders can't use them for protection if they took the city, so they retreat again. And this is where the crusade starts to kind of peter out, really,

because Richard orders another withdrawal. And then Saladin launched a surprise attack back on Jaffer. So then Richard sails back there to defend Jaffer. He legs it back. And he gets on a fucking horse and charges through the water. and eventually reclaims the citadel So it gives everything to getting it back And he gets like

And he fights on foot With his horse kill But then Saladin sends him two fresh horses Because no king should fight on the ground No straight man should be on the ice There's something going on between them There's something going on between them There is there is

So then we get to the Treaty of Jaffa 2nd of September 1192 And this is essentially where The Third Crusade becomes a score draw Yeah there's a great deal of respect it's the end of heat if it ended

this is like the airport scene Richard realizes he could never hold Jerusalem Saladin's army is very tired and so they they decide that the crusaders would allow the coastline

and the holy city would remain in Muslim control but Christian pilgrims were granted safe passage without being taxed so effectively this ends hostilities so it's it's cricket really

Yeah. A lot of these stories they kind of end slightly peering out ways. You know, Barbara Ross are falling off his horse and drowning will get to how Richard goes

even this, it's just sort of, it's a lot of fizzling out. Yes. Yeah. But there's an understanding, I suppose, that there are these two great warriors

and they're each other's equal. It's like a dance. Yes, it's figure skating. It's figure skating. It's tall and Dean. Yeah. But there's two great figureheads and they're each other's equals.

Yeah. And so the third Crusade ends with, they haven't taken Jerusalem, but they have got all the ports, which sort of means they've got all the supply lines to sort of... Yeah. Yeah. So both sides can claim success.

It's very contested if who won the third crusade, really. It is sort of a draw. Yeah. Because it did like set up vital crusade states in the Middle East again. Yes, it did. But he didn't. The number one thing was Jerusalem. Jerusalem continues to go

into the dirt. Yeah. So now what happens to... Do the Christians ever get Jerusalem back? We briefly were going to control between 1229 and 1244 during the sixth crusade. Oh, interesting. But ultimately it's lost a Muslim rule

and then... That's it. What is it? How do you really know who's in... In terms of... There's no, like, phones, right? Slow phones. Or, what, in 1190s?

It must take a long time for... There is shouting, though. Yeah, there's lots of shouting. There's loads of shouting, but how do you know if anyone's... If anything's true ever, really? Because I've got no idea what's happening over there.

because I'm here and I haven't got a phone. And you're stupid. Yeah, yeah, you are thick as well. Just surely the news cycle must take fucking ages. Yeah, it did. And like, how do I know if I've won the war? Or anything? Yeah.

Well, I guess in this, it ends normally with a treaty and then I guess it slowly disseminates via gossip. People come home. People like, yeah, riders. I think gossip is much more important. Yeah. I mean, the phone is ultimately is just communication but on the phone.

So the people still communicated. It just took longer. Yeah. But also, you would have would you have had nothing to do with this if you were alive then. What would I have been doing? You would have been making porridge

for some very, very ugly woman at home. Your main job would have been to stir porridge and you had a really shocking haircut. Right. And you would have been hitting things. Why? Because I'm annoyed. No, because that's what people did.

The most ambitious you could probably do is get this fat woman who's been eating porridge and store her farts in the jar and say they were Jesus. Yeah. That was maybe at month. If you had any entrepreneurship, that's what you would do.

You would steal a fat woman's farts, put it in a jar, and say it was a papal relic of Jesus Christ's farts. That's what you'd do. But you did not have that get up and go. You'd be stirring porridge. Yeah, with my wife.

Very, very ugly woman. Yeah, well, if that's all I would do is just love her for my whole life. Yeah. Which would be 30 years. Because Charlie's looking for a woman, we were asking him, because B was trying to work out

what his type was. We were asking for about celebrity crash. of a celebrity crush who's like, what's your sort? I've told you, many of my celebrity crushes.

Yeah, too fair. It's been, it's really good. I've been very open about my celebrity crushes. Charlie, we got, you didn't,

we couldn't find yours until you, what did you say? Miriam Margles. Hmm. I mean, I mean, I like an old woman

who's been on the BBC, but that, that is quite rich for my blood. And then we were all saying, what the hell? And you said, I just want to kiss her boobs for hours. Kiss her boobs for hours.

But she's like, She's like lesbian as rock. He's an old lesbian who eats turnips all day. I think she's amazing. Radishes or whatever. Is that slur? No, no, she genuinely... She buries her face in turnips all day.

Or is it radishes? She eats raw radishes. Bibi's been on set with her. She eats raw radishes like she'll eat 30 a day. I mean, I like a raw radish. I wouldn't eat them every day, though. I would. She eats apples like onions like I do.

So that's your type, is it? You eat apple like onions? What? You chop it up and put it in? I eat onion like apple. And so does she. I actually got it off her. She's amazing.

She's actually loves to kiss her boots for hours. She's like, she's like lived. She's got like lovely. Look at her kind eyes. Like she's, I think physically she's sort of got quite a lot about her. And I think she's a national treasure.

I'm not sure I want to bend her over a barrel. Kiss her boots for hours. I'm not sure I want to kiss her boobs for hours. Personally, though this is a matter of taste. It's a matter of taste. One man's Miriam Margulies is another man's pretty Patel.

Okay. No, I think she's amazing. Yeah. And it's not just a one-night thing. She's about as lesbian as it gets, I think. I didn't even notice that at all. Yeah, I think she would. Well, I could pretend.

I've said many times, but my type is still, Shemima Begham did definitely did something for me. Take two. Refugee Shemima Big Bama. When she had the glow up? Yeah. That's me. I suppose there was a real fork in the road for Shemimim,

wasn't it? Glow up or blow up. That was pretty good there, but it was when she was in, had the side-loid baseball cap. She's young in that second photo. Yeah, I didn't tell the second photo. I made it clear.

It was refugee she made me very clear. Okay. That one? Yeah, no, no. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Sweet Queen Chamemes. Yeah. What could have been?

We both live very near. She's Bethel Green. Yeah. She was, you know. They should remake Sliding Doors But with you and Shramima Begham I tell you we all have been living near each other That's a very

That's a pivot of a remake for that film Off to Syria The black flag flying over a fucking Jeep I don't know There's more for me and Shemima's story Yet to be written Shemima Gould Shemima Gould

Anyway Saladin All the fighting Means effectively his health declines And only six months after the Treaty of Jaffa Saladin dies of a fever, age 55. See, it's all just, you know. No one dies in battle like in a blaze of glory.

No, they either die on the toilet in a blaze of diarrhea. But despite having been the ruler of this vast Muslim empire, it's discovered that when he dies that he'd given almost all his wealth to the poor, which is one of the five pillars, is it, of Islam? Yeah, there's a lot about, you're meant to give 15% of all your earnings to charity of some sort. Well, I did that. It's just a tax. isn't it?

Yeah. It's just not, it's five pillars of Kirstalunkel. Five pillars of Kirstalas, Britain. I give 50% to Rachel from accounts. Yeah.

This place, it's like living in a fucking Muslim empire, let's move to Dubai. That's all these guys said. Britain's gone. Yeah. It's overrun by Muslims. Let's go to Dubai.

Let's go Dubai. Brilliant. So he reportedly leaves behind one piece of gold, not even enough to pay for his own burial. Now what happens to Richard the Lionheart? Richard leaves the Holy Land in 1192 but has a disaster, there's an

absolute nightmare getting home. It really does, to be fair. Like me trying to get home from an Italian wedding where it rains and they close every airport. You can't fucking handle anything. He travels through Europe into skies but gets captured by Duke Leopold of Austria, who he had insulted at Aker

and then gets handed over to the Holy Roman Emperor. Do you think his raster hat, dreadlocks? could be. Lennon, Lennon style. Yeah. Lennon in the rest out.

After a year in captivity, he returns to England in 1194 to reclaim his throne from his brother, John the Cunt. I think that's his name. John the Cunt. Is that his... I think that's his given name,

Richard of the Lionheart, John the Cun. You'd be annoyed if you were John the Cunt, wouldn't you? Why do you get Lionheart? Why's it only those two? Why is it first come, first son? Why am I the Cunt? So he spends his final years.

It's very sad. fighting to regain the lands in France. Which he does very well of it, because even though it's less glamorous, because the view of Lionheart keeps changing, he's viewed as the ultimate king, and there was a re-evaluation in the Victorian age saying it was actually a French guy

who was absentee father, etc. So he's besieging some tiny little French toilet of a town. And while he's sieging the castle, he gets shot in the shoulder by a crossbow bolt. Shot by a boy? by a little boy, a French boy, and he gets gangrenous, and he says, I want to see the man who shoots me, and then the boy comes out.

And instead of ordering the boy's death, he says, well, go on then. What? You got me. Fair play. Fuchs, you got me. I know, what does he say? Live on, and buy my bounty, behold the light of day. So, yeah. Do you give him 100 shillings? No, he says the event should give the boy a hundred shillings. And then the king's men ignore that. And then as soon as Richard died, the boy gets flayed alive and hanged. Yeah. Yeah. which is very different to how

you know I guess what that Phillips Schofield's boy gets treated yeah NDA to shit yeah you know protected to all intents of purposes Is a different time Do you reckon he'll be alright? I think he'll be alright

Apparently Richard the Lionheart when he was injured on his crossbow said bring me out and like would fire crossbow during the siege from his hospital bed Yeah Which is pretty cool isn't it? Pretty hardcore So he dies April 6th 1199 in the arms of his mother And having been killed by by a child, a chronicler wrote,

the lion by the ant was slain. Because everyone speaks like Yoda at this point in time. It's fucking irritating. And his body is divided and buried in different locations, which is sort of practice at this point. So his heart's buried in Normandy. His entrails are buried where he died as a kind of slight to the French toilet.

Sure. That's what I'd like to happen to me, actually. Your entrails in France? All the bits, all the tripe bits of me, put them in France. But is it none of it's in England? No. No. because he was barely there.

Because he was off on a crusade. So that's the end of the story really, the rest of his body is buried by his dad in Olmjou. But there's a massive statue of him outside Parliament because he remains the sort of great warrior king. Symbolic. Symbolic. I think maybe is he the first warrior,

like the warrior king before him. There hadn't been this sort of type of... What really getting involved. And you can't imagine King Charles. you know, I mean, King Charles isn't allowed into fucking Mecca because his hands are sausages. Yeah. He's Haram. He's got Haram hands.

I guess the closest we've had is Blair rolling his sleeves up in Kosovo. Yeah. That's the closest. Yeah, that is. It's not close, but it's the closest is him right. Right. Touching touching, um, yeah. Cossan boy's hairs. Yeah. Boy's heads.

Um, yeah, that is about, but yeah, Blair's the Blair is Richard the Lionheart. Yeah. Blair the lineheart. Blair the sleeves up. So that's the end of the Third Crusade. If you'd like more, we will be talking about Robin Hood on the Patreon, which the legend of, which took place around this time, supposedly. So sign up to the Patreon where you don't have to print your own sword, but it helps. And if not, we'll see you next week for a brand new topic.

That's it from us. Goodbye. Goodbye.