Fin vs History - Say That To One Of Their Seven Faces | Chernobyl (Part 3/3)

Episode Date: April 24, 2026

Have no fear, we're monitoring the situation. Chernobyl (Part Three)    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor    This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh  Chapters: 00:00 - Every Dad’s Fantasy 06:56 - Radioactive Sheep  09:32 - Destroying the Dogs 15:04 - All Legs Are Off  19:29 - Fattest Man Ever 27:05 - The Second Collapse  31:07 - The Chernobyl Growlers  34:39 - Situation Monitors  38:01 - Am I Tuss Enough  42:10 - Absolute Foxes  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back, fatso's to the final part of our epic Chernobyl series. I'm with Horatio Gould. And we, listen, it's all gone to shit. Yeah. It's all gone to hell in a hand basket. A massive nuclear core has exploded in Ukraine. The biggest bust of all time. Oh!

The pity of Milton Keynes has been evacuated. Only two people have died at this point, which is. is actually fine. Yeah. But they have, many firefighters are suffering from arse. Yeah. Which is acute radiation syndrome.

Uh, this is in 1986. Yeah. We haven't done any soundscapes. It might be nice just to do a soundscape of the actual events of the evening of April. Uh, Charlie,

you could be the actual, uh, the reactor. Yeah. And then you'd be the Geiger counter. And I'll be some Russians. Oh, whatever.

Okay. Yeah. What's happening in number four? Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, Lord, no, no. The reactor is looking and stable. Stop the test. Oh, my, it's exploded. Mr. Dianlov, it's exploded.

Call on me, oh, me, call me, oh me. What? What? Sir, the reactor is behaving very different. It seems to be playing a take-off me by aha. Sir, the reactor is emitting really sick beats. Why have these beats so sick? It's the world's first nuclear beatboxed after.

So that was, we were in control room four there. And, well, they're having a great time, it sounded back. So it wasn't too bad. No, it sounded like they were having a great time, and it's nice to know that even under the most stressful of conditions, people can still enjoy, aha. That's what they said, is the teeth.

Ah! As the Geiger Beat Pad. The Geiger Beat Pad. In all seriousness, people's skins of skin have fallen off. The world could have genuinely been wiped out. But there were some burly men from the Donbass who came in and in the series they all looked like Red Richardson and they built a massive concrete slab underneath the power plant to stop Jaina syndrome. Yeah.

So by the summer of 1986, the fires are largely out. the worst of the immediate submissions have subsided but there is still a risk reactor four remains shattered a shattered unstable mass of fuel graphite and twisted metal am I talking about Charlie's toilet on holiday no it's still dangerous

and shattered unstable mass dangerous hot and leaking radiation it does sound like your toilet your ski shallow I don't talk about it anymore the reactor needed to be entombed to seal off what was left of the core. Yeah.

So after our ski holiday, the cleaners had to be on a shift pattern where they could only be, go into the toilet for 40 seconds at a time. It's clear. And 4,000 cleaners had to be used. Yeah, for 90 seconds at a time. And they named the toilet

after a Russian woman called Masha. Yeah. And what they found in there, they called the elephant's foot. Yes. And they needed to build a structure called sarcophagus over the toilet because they're like,

we cannot flush this. It's still emitting radiation. We just got to write this whole room off. We can just continue. contain this room, contain the toilet. The official name for the sarcophagus is object shelter. Yeah. Now, in theory, this is to encapsulate reactor four in concrete and steel structure

to reduce the radioactive release. In practice, it became one of the most complex engineering operations of the late 20th century. Fuck me. Until the situation at Charlie's Toilets in the Skitchhalla. This is beef to the dads right here. This is, yeah, this is engineering red meat. I guess it's like a man of a certain age. You're viewing yourself.

When you read about this, you're thinking of yourself as the guy who sorts it out. That's what every dad has a fantasy. That's something like this happens and they have to work something else. Sheila, I've got to go. I'm needed. They need someone to... With my sort of brain. My practical approach.

Finally, my brain that is always odds with yours... Yeah, my brain that's... You know, caused a lot of strife. Yes. Socially. Finally, the fact I've ruined every Christmas might save humanity. the interior of the core the blown out core

is too radioactive for prolonged human presence the actual blueprints of the plant are way out of date no one actually knows the measurements yeah it's of a different place yeah it's just yeah

sort of a beet shack yeah so they just they build a massive sort of structure you know what it's a babusca doll yeah yeah

bigger one around yeah and they put another one another one top of that yeah to contain all the radiation Yes.

So do you think in the film they're all scratching their heads and then he just sees a Russian dom he's like... Of course. It was so simple. The answer was there all along. Many operations are limited to seconds or minutes. So it's like a colony of ants. Basically having to do it in shifts.

He's passing a bucket of water along a line to put a fire out. Equipment breaks down under the exposure to the radiation. So you've got men who are like erecting supports, pouring concrete, welding, but they can only do it for a few seconds and then they have to tap out. There's this thing called the elephant's foot. This is the name given to the infamous mass of core

beneath Reactor 4. So that is, that's like a lava-like mass that flowed from the core and solidified into the shape that we're looking at now. Which does look like elephants.

It does like an elephant. I mean, yeah, but an elephant... So is that one of the most radioactive parts? Well, that's the core, isn't it? Is that the core, right? So that is molten nuclear fuel, graphite, concrete and sand fused together.

Christ. And that's what they found in Charlie's toilet at the ski shallow. Because he was trying to get the smell by just pouring sand on, but he couldn't get over the smell. That's all the noise,

BB was hearing. Helicopters flying, but they kept missing because you can't get over it because it's too smelly. He's pouring borne, pouring boron on it. I don't know where you got that from.

But yeah, so this is first. identified as in late 86 and it's so lethal it's lethal if you get anywhere close to it so people to take photographs would like run in quick yeah I don't know why they need to photograph a lot of that but anyway it's one of the most dangerous things on earth that elephant's foot there and so they create this exclusion zone now we're looking at this map of this is a map of radiation from Chernobyl it's very very very very bad in Ukraine and Belarus and bits of the eastern and Russian Federation.

Yeah. It's pretty bad in parts of Sweden, Norway and Finland, and Austria. And also northern Wales. Like where Wrexham is. Rexham's getting fucked.

Well, that would make a lot of sense. You're like, even to Rill? No. Chernob Rill. Right. It's what it should be caused.

Is it because the higher ground catches it more? Because why things further away? Is it maybe because there's more, more air currents coming higher up? Yeah, I don't. Well, no,

because the curvature of the earth because we're looking at a I don't know but maybe because it swirls but I love that I love that the South East of England is just completely fine

just fine done it again done it again how are they done it again Wales and the north west Liverpool's fucked all the Celtic regions

that's the most Celtic region it's almost like they were asking for it what are they wearing can you Charlie can you Google why like North Wales has more radiation from Chernobyl than London. Because the rain, interesting. So the rainier parts of the country have acid rain.

Heavy radioactive rain coincided with the cloud passing over the region. Right, so it's clouds taking it over. Right, so this rainfall forced cesium 137 onto the upland pastures where peaty soil allowed the radioactive material to be easily absorbed by grazing sheep. Oh, and then they fuck the sheep. and then they get radioactive. So there you go. We've cracked it.

The dangers of sheep shaking. Their compound, it turns out. But it was up until, I think, 2012 was the last time they, like, got rid of a radioactive sheep from Chernobyl. Really? Literally, the coalition years is when... The last sheet that was destroyed because of radiation or something. So obviously the worst of it is around Chernobyl and Pripyat.

What sound does radioactive sheep make? What... Bearriar. Be... bouch bouch bouch bouch

yeah bouch bouch bouch bouch bouch bach yeah

you know when you hear a sheep go bouch something's not right with that see something's happened there so obviously the heaviest contamination is around

the city of Pripyat it extends us across Europe this becomes the exclusion zone which do we know how big it is like in 30 kilometers in radius initially.

It's about 1,000 square miles. How many football fields or whatever is that, Charlie? The people are thick. They don't know what 1,000 square miles is. Give us some kind of reference. Okay. How tall is Wayne Rooney height? So 1.76 meters.

How many miles is it? 1,000 square miles. So that is. How many square Wayne Roonies is that? He's already pretty square. Yeah, but that's still, he's not, I don't think it's a fascinating. Are you getting a calculator up? That is, 568 square Wayne Rooney square, Wayne Rooney.

It's not, is not? Yeah, it is? It's not 568 Wayne Roonies. No, because of me, Wayne Rooney is not 1.76 miles at all. Oh, shit. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, so, if Wayne Rooney is 1.76 meters. Yeah. Tall.

How many square miles, how many square Wayne Roonies is 1,000 square square square I think the square Wayne Rooney is going to take away from the... So it's 836 million Wayne Rooney's lying flat in perfect squares. That's a lot. That's a lot. To be fair, you've nailed that. I get a real sense of...

I mean, it's incomprehensible. Yeah. 836 million Wayne Roonies. Do you imagine that many... Do you imagine that many Wayne Roonies? I mean, it really gives you a sense of the scale of the disaster. That's a lot, yeah. This episode is brought to you by Tell Us Online Security.

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And also, Shinobo made a lot more Wayne Roonies. Yes, big heads. Yeah, flat heads. 1986, would you like to place this for our smelly, thick listeners? It's after the film Stalker by Tarkovsky, and it's before Transformers 2. I assume you haven't seen Stalker. No.

It is based on a Russian kind of psychedelic novel. It's about this, this is written in the 70s. It's about this zone in this mysterious dystopian Soviet land. which you can't go because once you go into there weird things start happening and people don't end up leaving and there's these people called stalkers

who are guides who break in illegally through the fences and there's loads of army patrols and they'll take people who are fascinated via like dark tourism and he takes a poet and a scientist and it's like this amazing film where they're just entering going through this and everything's sort of in black and white

until they get into the zone and it sort of bursts into color and there's just these strange kind of things happening and visions. But that happened 10 years, like six years before Chernobyl. So it's really strange that basically, and now when we went to see Pripyat and Chernobyl, we had a guide who was basically our stalker.

Right. So it's just really odd. So it's after that and it's before Shark Tale. Shark Tale. Okay, great. And Shark Tale, if you don't know, this is an amazing film that I've not seen. It's amazing.

Well, Shark Tale is what ended up. up with the people who lived in Pripyat, they ended up looking like they're... Well, it's a documentary about the dogs that survived, the explosion, and they're who are now sharks, essentially. So the exclusion zone, managing an exclusion zone, as I know, and as you know, from sharing a toilet with Charlie, it's a major administrative task. The military have to establish checkpoints to prevent illegal entry and looting. Infrastructure is just left to decay. schools, shops, playgrounds and apartment blocks are abandoned

evacuees are then housed in temporary accommodation they're promised new employment Soviet cleanup authorities have to send armed squads into the exclusion zone to destroy animals I think there is a level of disaster like if you have to leave your dog it's not that bad if you have to put your dog down it's very bad if you have to destroy your dog

it's very very bad Yeah. Like destroying an animal. Because I mean, the dog holocaust of the Blitz. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. That's the middle tier.

That's the amber warning. Yeah. That's just putting them all down. Because they didn't destroy the dogs, didn't they? No, they didn't destroy the dogs. So this is the code red. So there's no way they could admit how bad it is. It's all about the noble lie, right?

But to the point where it just keeps bending on itself. Yeah. It's pretty good. Ian, Paul, I'm here. Have I got, have I got? Have I got quips for you? Yeah. Very quippy.

The Chernobyl lie. Come on. Come on. Come on. Not been on for some time. It's probably because I... Would you go back on? No.

Would you not? No. Really? No. I don't want boring cunts coming to my tour show. I want men in fedora to 3D print katanas. Yeah. Fun guys.

Fun guys. I do not want, you know, fucking boomers. Rye boomers. Yeah, he don't want a Rye boomer. Beethoven's brothers were 60. at my tour show going, a bit too much

about paedophilia, but yeah, I enjoyed the stuff you said about Kyrs d'Arma. My father-in-law's review last tour. Well,

is that exactly what you said? Yeah, a bit too much pedophilia stuff, but I enjoyed the stuff you said about Gers-D-Zarma. Fuck off. Fuck off.

Fuck off. I get rid of the Kirstama stuff. Yeah, that's why I said, oh, yeah, it's a preview, get rid of that. More Pido stuff.

Yes, no, you're right, the Chernobyl, you know what, it's exactly the same as, the production team of I've got news for you. They cannot admit the systemic rot at the heart of the...

Right. The bureaucratic failures of the show. I mean, how Paul Merton is a sun can react to call. You know, if you're not... If you tag his joke, he says he doesn't want you to do it again. It's probably what happened to me, because I'm probably tagged his joke. He can't be tag him Paul's joke. No.

You're in his playground, though. That's what I mean. Yeah. So the security service, the KGB they basically, they treat all the RBMK reactor design flaws as classified. So all the engineers, they've asked to help. They don't know any of the vulnerabilities. So there's no like sense of how they work out what happened.

Because it's like, what do you mean what happened? It was all fine. So in August 86, the Soviet Union holds the Vienna conference on Chernobyl, which is the first international explanation of what happened. And during the conference, our friend Valerie, is it Valerie Legosov? Is that his name? Do it? Legos off.

Legos off. His legs are. Well, lots of people's legs were off. Lots of people legs are off. All legs are off. He delivers this technical account that frames the disaster purely as a result of procedural violations and operator error. So he does not frame it as a design of the fact that it's a shit kettle.

So is it Vasilny? What's his name, the operator, the Paul Ritter's character? Diatlov. Diatlov. Yeah. So he's the guy who they're putting it all on. Yeah. Yeah.

And the, and Akimov and the guys that are dead. Yeah. You know, the guys who Michael Douglas to death. Yeah. So Legasov then gets publicly honored by the Soviet state

for basically holding the line and saying, oh, it's just all the outlaws' fault. So the USSR then as an official investigation, which tries to allocate blame to individuals rather than take any ownership as the fact that it's their fault. So they say it's poor discipline, Mis-manatory redistribution of blame. Yes, exactly.

It's not ours. We own the blame and we give it to you. We seize the means of blaming others. Yeah, we seize the means of blame. The criminal trial takes place in July 87 in Chernobyl. Six officials are tried. Bruchano, the director, Diatlov and Nikolai Fomim, who's the chief engineer. And he's foaming at the mouth of this.

He is because of the radiation. Yeah, he's phoning out the ass as well. His livers fallen out of his arse. He's very terrible. He's confused. I don't know why they're trying them. Something's not right here. And they each get 10 years in prison,

which I think is a bit of a shock to a point there. Because they were like, well, hang on. You did make it. Why is there like a fuck it button? Yeah. If I'm not meant to press it. It's either to, it's a weird time period because it's either too little or too much.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because either they were the ones who caused it. Then it's like, it could be life imprisonment, right? Yeah. Or they weren't. and therefore it should be like two. Yeah.

But again, this would mean that the USSR would have to, um, like shed the illusion. Yeah. That, you know, it's just a bunch of knackered fucking microwaves. Yes.

Or whatever. What are you... You're seeing if there's this quite a unique example of people going to prison for mismanagement. Does that actually happen much? Post Office Horizon scandal. Are they in prison? I think they are.

What treatment are you getting if you're, if you're one of the post office horizon? I don't think you're getting killed. like a paedophile. No, you're not getting, Watkins and Huntley's. Ian. Ian.

You're not getting Ian. Um, I don't imagine. They're taking your food, I think. Hey? No. I don't think, I don't think,

I think they're coming, they're the bullies, I think. What, the post office horizon? The post office. I think they're the alphas. Were they beating up serial rapists?

Yeah. I think they're, I think they're bumming pedophiles. The post office horizon. IT scandals. They're like, hey, sweet cheeks. Fucking jailboat over there.

What am I in for? I'm gonna get bummed. Ever heard of a thing called the Post Office Horizon scandal? Mastermind. Now, pick up my soap. You're my fucking jail bitch.

Well, they got Charles Bronson bent over. Yeah, yeah. I reckon before his untimely death, Ian Huntley had a, had a big wig, and he was like their prison wife to the Post Office Horizon lads.

Yeah? They're living large, that lot. Anyway, so, Legosov is one of, I mean, this is one of the most tragic stories. No, it's not actually. No, it's not.

People were born with fucking seven heads. He becomes isolated within the scientific community. It's not that sad, actually. I made a big swing. I just really like Jared Harris. I think he's a phenomenal actor, and he's sort of the main...

He brought a lot to that role. Yeah. iconic performance. But it's not the worst thing that happened. There's worse things in being isolated from the scientific community. We're isolated from the scientific community. Yes.

well, yeah, some parts of the scientific community. I'm deeply embedded within the pseudo-scientific community. I will be the guest speaker at the London Excel Center's Phenology Conference in 2026, to which I hope I will see meet many of you there. I will be selling branded calipers. Literature. I'll be sharing my own research. Anyway, so yeah, Legasov, he sort of becomes the public face of the response, and he's like,

well certainly in the miniseries he's the one that is always trying to, he's the one that's portrayed as fighting against the Soviet machine I don't know how real that was because as you say it's like 30 people that they put into one role

yeah two years after the explosion almost pretty much to the day he hung himself why are you laughing? I was laughing he's really funny you guys are really funny Charlie can you hear my big fucking pet peeve

is that you'll laugh at weird are you watching something on your phone? You're true of some of the best. What were you laughing at? What were you laughing at? The guy who's hanging himself? Yeah. You're laughing at that.

What's just how you said it. How I said it. You got a real wave of words. Anyway. So two years after. So this is the 38th birthday. Well, I'm laughing. That's one of the saddest parts of the story.

I know. He'd be isolated. He's fucking slapping. his knees. He's rubbing his belly. Absolutely idiot. Giggling. Chimp.

A good man who was trying to fight against the bureaucracy of the Soviet state. Killed himself. Out of guilt, out of shame, out of isolation. He's crazy. But he records a series of audio tapes called the Lagasov tapes. Yeah. Which are on the Patreon. We've got our own Lagasov tapes.

We've got the first. tapes they're not quite the same they're not quite the same he didn't just spit the end word into his own recorder and then kill himself what an audio suicide no this is he just said the end word for seven hours well I guess you can't cancel him no I guess well I guess he killed himself guess he got it out of a system before he went to the afterlife but he's sort of yeah he reflects on the failures of the Soviet system and the need for truth about the incident and these get published in Pravda our old friend that was a lot in the Russian revolution, Pravda.

Oh, is that the, is that like the state magazine? Yeah. Well, it was the revolutionary magazine. Right. And years later in 96, Boris Yeltsin, fattest man ever.

Pissed. Pissed, fat, red face. I mean, he was kind of amazing. He is amazing. And Boris Yelsohn drunk. Like, he would walk into, like, key, like, diplomatic conferences with the US president,

and he would just be pissed. Yeah, battered. So it's like sort of a lot of press ops that you're meant to be doing to sort of get photos of you being a, you know, a man who cares about the people. It'd always be just a bit too pissed. It does make it look

fun being president, though. Just doing all these things in this fucking... It makes you think Boris Johnson could have gone further, really. Oh, this is brilliant dad dancing. This is the first Russian president after communism, isn't it? So they didn't know what they're doing. No, it's like, fuck it.

Is this what it? Is this what... you're meant to do? Is this capitalism? Hello. Hello. Get him falling down the stairs as well. There we go.

Battered. So good. Yeah. So he, Boris Yeltsin, awards Legossov hero of the Russian Federation posthumously in 96. But basically, Chernobyl,

well, it essentially kills the Soviet Union. Yeah. You could argue. Gorbachev said that. I would say it's because he had an egg on his head. I think he was deflecting. Deflecting eggs with his head.

Yeah, he missed one. So nuclear power stations were like a symbol of modernity and stuff. Yeah, so nuclear power has gone down since Chernobyl. Because this is the big con for a nuclear power, right, is Chernobyl. Yes. The Chernobyl could happen. Yeah. But apart from that, they're the best source of energy, right?

Well, it gets risk reward, isn't it? Yeah. Is it? well if you can afford to do nuclear energy it's the most renewable and like but it's not it's not it would it be interesting to see has the CO2 emissions or well other emissions the bad emissions the nuclear emissions is that worse overall than all the fucking coal-powered ones that Greta goes on about well they're just the worse in different ways aren't they?

Yeah. A generation of people get cancer, but then it's not like a slow destruction of the global warming, right? Well, say that to their face. Well, which one? Which one of their faces?

Which one of their seven faces? You could take your pick. They've got a face on their ass, they've got a face in their leg. I mean, you know... Instinctively, I'm for nuclear power and I think, just don't be an idiot with it.

Right. Is my genuine instinct. That's your big takeaway of this series. Fucking idiots. Are you like, woke nonsense. Surely, is nuclear powers

not woke nonsense, is it? No. Wind turbines are woke nonsense, right? Yeah, I think they are. I think they are very woke nonsense.

So I guess the straight, the most Clarkson form of energy is coal, right? Yes, 100%. Burn coal. Fracking. Fracking. Fracking's very straight.

But then, you know, I'm biased. You know, my mouth is like Jeremy Clarkson's bin in that anything's going in there. I'm just eating packaging. I'm eating plastic.

He's just shoving anything in my mouth. he's not separating any of his things all in one bin fuck it that's my mouth when i open the fridge at the end of the day i get the five o'clock that's my most dangerous part of the day five o'clock it's five o'clock somewhere that is that's my that is my worst you know i can be quite disciplined until five pickles natella all of it all of it's going in fucking peanut butter smoke salmon My stomach at this point is like, what are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

If I put shuffle mode, why in fuck are you eating this? Yeah, I'm very, if I can eat, if I can eat dinner at five, I think my health would be in a much better state. But I do so much damage between five to seven waiting for dinner. So obviously it's very expensive, all this stuff. As you've said, it's $700 billion. The exclusion zone is a permanent liability. 832 million, Wayne Rooney squared.

Yes, thank you. Thank you for, yep. I know exactly what that looks like now. RW squared. And Gorbachev had recently launched to these policies of Glasnos, as I said, to ease tension to the West, but the disaster completely accelerates

the end of the system because... Whereas all the flaws of the Soviet system at its most creaking at its worst all come out in this. It's like all of the problems that have been building up for many years are the most at the surface

with the Chernobyl. Yeah, there's the lack of sort of competition. Yeah. The culture of no accountability, of middle management. The problem was just having party men who are just looking out for their own betterment. Yeah. It's a great irony of communism on that scale

where everyone is looking out for themselves, but can't admit it. Yeah. And also the hiding information, it creates just a fake reality. Yeah. Where truth is completely alternative, basically. Once citizens start questioning nuclear safety,

all the other pillars of the system are up for questioning as well. So a lot of, like, I think the thing I listened to was that the Ukrainian nationalist movement, or maybe the Lithuanian one, that's the first republic to go independent. Ping.

First button to ping out of the fly. Christmas Day. Lithuanian have gone. Their nationalist movement sort of starts on the basis of the CND or the anti-nuclear, the anti-Chanobal movement. Let's get to Chernobyl today. The containment operation is still

as with Charlie's toilet, it's never, it's never finished. The work is never finished. The half-life coming out is millions of years. Millions of years. So it's just that you'll never be finished. No. Not in several lifetimes. Will that toilet ever be usable again?

By the early 21st century, it was clear that the original 1986 sarcophagus overreacted for was deteriorating. Cracks were appearing in it. Steel supports were corroborated. parts of the structure were weakening and engineers feared a second collapse could release a second collapse terrifying could release radioactive dust into the atmosphere so the answer is what they called the new safe confinement the nSC which to enclose the reactor and the original sarcophagus so it is a babushka doll yeah it's an even bigger yeah one on top uh which you must

have seen this yeah yeah is it it's supposedly it's fucking massive it's huge yeah i mean I mean, of course, you hear so much about it, and then you get, we've got right up close to it as well. Yeah, how much, how close do they let you get? Like, about where the photo on the left is. Right, okay. Looks like Bryce Norton. Bryce Norton?

Yeah. Do you know RF Bryce Norton is right by Crocodile Land? Yeah, big crocodile land. No. So just in West Oxford, in West Oxford, there is a private collector of crocodiles who's formed, who's started this thing called Crocodile Land. Yeah.

And there are hundreds of crocodiles. crucially, it's genuinely seconds away from RF, Bryce Norton because if the crocodiles ever got out, you can just carpet bomb them within a minute. Is that why? No, that's not why, Charlie. Have you ever been? Yes.

I went to Crocodile World but a month ago with my kids. Is it a good day out? They got a lot of fucking crocs. I'll tell you that much. But if you're not looking for crocodiles, you'd hate it. My mom didn't come, even though it was her birthday,

because she really hates crocodiles. So were you celebrating her birthday without her at crocodile? Yeah, innocentia. But this one's for you, Mom. She was like, I'm just over here. I'm like, no, my son really wants to see the crocodiles. They've got loads of them. And what's terrifying is they're all,

they all just like lie on each other, like a big sort of crocodile lasagna. Yeah. And there's hundreds of them. Like a rat king. It is a crocodile rat king. Yeah. Disgraceful.

What? Apparently they bark. Apparently crocodiles bark. Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah. They're bound. They go.

Oh! Oh! Yeah. Listen. Oh my God, the Chernobyl growlers. My God. We haven't even talked about the state of the Chernobyl women's growlers. Yes?

Oh, that's the sound there, mate. A Russian, an old Russian woman opens her legs. This is what you're here. Michael Douglas says, I've dealt with worse. Pass my bib. Hold my beer. I'm going in. I'm going it.

You know when you're going, if you're going caving, you have to have your road. He does that when he goes in so that he can always find his way back if he gets locked. She doesn't want a nutty-pottie incident. You cannot have a fan of nutty-pussy. A nutty-pussy incident. Local news is in decline across Canada, and this is bad news for all of us.

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and it's big enough to span several football pitches, which, again, it'd be nice for Wayne Rudy to lie off. You'd fit at home. Yeah, it would. It's only designed to last around a century. Fuck. Before another one. Are they going to have to genuinely keep building arches?

I mean that is kind of beautiful that they're the only safe way to do it is to keep Dolly Babushka dolls I mean I love that But there's also those amazing babushkas who have seen so much Living in that part of Ukraine

If you're born in about 1910 Yes And you die in 2010 The shit that you've seen in your life Wow In the point where most of them didn't leave It's like I've been through so much this stuff Charlie can you find the woman

Who's still lived There's a one old woman Yeah Who's ground that we've just heard she still lives in Chernobyl. Because she was there for the Russian Revolution, Russian Civil War, fucking fall of the Soviet Union, Shinobal.

The Holodomor. The Holodomor. Yeah. And now some of them live to the Russian Ukraine war. Like the shit that they've seen. Yeah. She's, who gives a fuck? Yeah, she's like, I'm not fucking leaving.

He's the most chewed up toughest broads in the world. Yeah. God. Yeah, look at this. God, the barking crocodile growlers of Chernobyl. Yeah. No, once the war ends, I would highly recommend going to Chernobyl is genuinely the best.

Well, what happens, because it got attacked, didn't they? Didn't the Russian forces in 2023 or whatever? They dug trenches in in contaminated earth. Yeah. And so they're getting in there. Yeah. But I don't know how, because I think there's a bit of, it's a bit disputed how, I think it's like if you spend a lot of time there,

it's like smoking sick. To go to Chernobyl for a day, for a day trip, like what am I, what's the scores on the doors? Yeah. Is it like a 20 pack? Because he had a guy get countered the whole time and it just like, it went up slightly. It's not, I don't think it's too. I mean, he's there every day.

Yeah. And I guess we're all dying at cancer anyway, so it's hard to. It's considered relatively safe. Similar to that of a long haul flight. Oh, right. Yeah, so it's really like. What? You get radiation from a long haul flight.

Is that from everyone's farts on the plane? Because of the high altitudes and the atmosphere's thinner, which means to get less pre-outection of radiation from space. Creepy. I think that's bollocks. Chris, we can ignore that. So it's like, yeah, that's why I mean it's kind of like nothing. If you lived there for 40 years, maybe a tiny bit.

In early 2020, Russian forces occupy the Chernobyl plant and the exclusion zone, which is not cricket. No, come on. That's not a playing field. Don't be fucking about up there. Yeah, we're having a laugh. Yeah, we're all having a lot. It's all a bit of fun of game. You don't go into fucking Chernobyl.

Yeah. And so they hold scientists hostage there. And then, fuck, in last year on Valentine's Day, a drone strike hits the new safe confinement. You can't, lads, what are you playing out? What are you doing?

Both of you are the ones who fixed it. You know what this is. Russians, man. They always love it. They love it. They go, what would happen

if we fired a fucking drone at that massive toilet? So, Chernobyl's in northern Ukraine. So I'm, and that's where that primary assault came from. So they have it now because it's on the Belarusian border.

They withdrew completely, March 31st, 22, after their offensive on Kiev failed. Right, yeah. Christ, why are you occupying? that.

When the launch of that was another great day to monitor the situation. Yes. I had about five weeks of monitoring the situation until it got a bit samey.

Yeah, yeah, same. But when you had that big convoy of tanks heading towards Kiev. Especially with the they're all building up on the border. And I'd be monitoring

that situation. So when war broke out, my wife was like, oh my God. And I was like, well, I've actually, I've actually put up this crime. I've been monitoring

for a while. I've been across the buildup of troops. And I had a similar thing when Trump attacked Iran because I was like what they're doing in the Red Sea? Why are they there?

Venezuela monitoring the situation I'm monitoring every situation. I'm monitoring every situation. What are they doing? It costs them billions of dollars to get the forces there. They're not going to send them there and they're not used them.

Well, that was what was also about Putin when he just like, he built up with his forces and we're not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. Watch me. And then there was that whole period where every different leader gave him a call

and said, please don't. He's not not. I'm not, no, seriously don't. And he's going to like this. I won't. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. But I do think he did invade on opposite day. Ah, yeah, fine.

Which is, which means that gives him an out. Charge, nut. It was a national opposite day. Yeah, so fair enough. What did you? What is it, Charlie? I think the most striking moment I've been giving my on it as well. And it, have you?

Have you been monitoring the situation? Have you? And the thing that I thought was the most nuts was when, um, the spy chief sort of crumbles in front of Putin. Do you see that? Yes. Crazy. Because that's when the war's going a little,

it's not going to plan. Because that guy's, no, it was the start and this like terrifying guy who's like their spy chief goes up and Putin's basically asking for allegiance for the war from everyone. And then this guy sort of stammeres through it

and it's like, well, maybe we shouldn't do it. Speak directly. And Putin's like spit it out. And the guy kind of like crumbles. Crumbles. And this, you know, it's like that guy's terrifying, which the power balance is just. There's also.

It was during COVID, so he'd be bollicking people on the longest table in the world. Yeah. He's just bollicking everyone and these are all nuts. It's like British aristocracy on a long, like a marriage that should have ended in divorce. Yeah. Where it's as far away as possible. Look at a bad case. Or give a smart face.

Scary guy, getting out scared by a scarier guy. Making the scariest guys be like little bit. I mean a huge part that in Miliband didn't get elected is because... I'm a toss enough. Oh yes, I'm tossing us. It's because we don't want him speaking to Putin. No, no. I mean, I would love to see that, to be fair.

Oh, I'm toss or tossing us. Speak plainly, Ed, I'm speaking plainly. You, watch out. The irony is, though. is that he's the main so he fucked or stopped

Obama you bombing Syria after chemical weapons Miliband because Miliband killed the vote in the commons

and Obama wouldn't go in to Syria without British support right so Cameron was trying to which then you know you could argue fucks Syria up

and also shows the international community that you can use chemical weapons without any kind of yeah Miliband also supposedly is the one that

In Stama's cabinet, Stammer's like, I think I want to let Trump use the islands to bomb Iran from. And Ed Miliband goes, I don't know what I don't you should, actually. And then Stammer can't, apparently he's like, he's the guy that is the constant thorn in the American interventionist side. But he was, he probably is going to be proven right. On Iran, I think he wasn't in Syria. Yeah. I definitely think Obama. Obama was awful in foreign policy.

Yeah. Personally, I think. I do agree. I think if you're chemical weaponing kids, personally, as a Syrian, if you're Assad, I think we've given Charlie enough criticism. Yes. I think we've spoken enough about Charlie's crimes. Charlie's trying to keep going over the fact.

Yeah. He knows what he's done is wrong. But Obama should have bombed your toilet as you were using it. And Ed Miliband, well, it should have been international coalition. Yes. It should have just been America's responsibility. The UN, the white helmet should have gone in to China. was told us.

The Syrian white helmets, yes. Well, if your chemical bombing kids, then say it with your chest. Is that what you mean? No, I don't think that's kind of the opposite. No. What were you meaning? I think Obama should have intervened in Syria.

Yeah. Or rather, or rather. If that's a line that you've got to start slapping people about. Yeah. I think, I think it is, it, it was very, yeah, he was very sheepish on foreign policy. Well, he did a lot of drones. He loved a droning a wedding.

Well, that's what you always hear, right? Yeah. Glad I drone the wedding. Yes. Owen Wilson's follow-up, the wedding droners, wasn't quite as successful. I'll be excited to do an Obama series, actually.

I think it's time to pick back over the Obama years because it's actually, it feels like there hasn't been enough. I'd love to know where he was actually born. And I also like to know the sexual, the gender of his wife. Common knowledge. Common knowledge.

Nine and slant. She's got her not only... Common knowledge. It's obvious I don't think I don't know why we need to do a series from the Michelle Obama She's called a fucking nine and shlong

It's obvious It's common knowledge That's sort of pointless I'm doing a series on that really The richest man in the world Yeah It's common knowledge Yeah

Common knowledge Right Let's talk about the good The goods The upside to Chernobyl So interestingly You know If you watch the Chernobyl

Minis series You get very sad for the dogs Yeah It feels like God This is awful for wildlife and also you think radiation that must be terrible for as a biological disaster

but since the humans left it's been it's turned into like an ecological miracle right it's rewilded wolves deers wild boar lynx it's become this like amazing nature reserve so what was the real virus it was us

the humans go on well I have a question so you know in in COVID where all the animals return to the city We are the virus. Is there any at all, to any extent, during the daytime when we're all at work, do the animals come out a bit? Do they come back into the town? Do you think?

Even to like zero point? When you say, do you think, like we all know, like it's not like some fucking, it's not toy story. I know. I know. Do you think? It's completely knowable. Do you think? No, but it depends.

Some urban environments have. No, it doesn't depend. It doesn't. Do the bears and stuff? No, no, they don't. Or do at least like a couple sparrows. You think we look at our window and bears and frogs are like, oh, and then we look away at our computers and they're like, hey.

It's like the jungle book as soon as we're not looking. So even a tiny, and then it gets to five and they're like, for fuck sake. No, I don't, Charlie. No. I guess we will never know. No, we will know. No, we do know. Well, I know, no, you don't know, nor do I.

Yeah. But one day we will know. So you think out. There's a lot of animals in cities already though. Yeah, but they come out a bit more in the day when they're like... They come out at night. Well, that's what I mean. No, it's not you.

Josa, foxes. There's more red foxes in London than anywhere else in the world. Any city in the world. And they come out at night because that's not why humans are. More absolute, absolute foxes in London than any city in the world. Best city in the world. This is the best job in the world. It is the best job.

It is the best job. It is the best job in the best city. Right. So, yeah, the good news is that now it's a fucking, the safari park brilliant brilliant it's a crocodile world

you know uh fucking a man's liver falls out of his ass and babies are born with seven heads but now you can see an elk in Ukraine

so one all I guess brilliant but you know it just goes to show you know you know the human spirit the real no the real

shnovel is oh is us we're the real we're the real problem yeah if only we'd get out of the way so that all the Elk could have fun in Ukraine.

I do think the problem with, obviously, like, if you're like a planet Earth fucking botherer, tree hugger. Yeah. It's always like, oh, I wish humans were dead because then animal. The problem is animals have no idea that they're living. No. So as much as it will make a more beautiful thing, it's only worthwhile if we've got David Atenborough.

Yeah, it only matters if David Attenborough can film it. Yeah. Yeah, because animals are nice for humans. And I think it's weird, like a lot of people supporting climate change because they just don't, they want the next season of planet Earth to be good. Yeah. They want their favorite show to be,

to get picked up for another season. No badger is going on a safari. Oh, good, it's nice. There's all this wild life there. They have no idea. That's their house. That's like us walking through Dagenham going, oh, loads of tower blocks.

A badger looks at trees and is like, well, they're a bit more imaginative with the trees. You know, it doesn't fucking care. Yeah. So we do put a lot of human emphasis onto the animals and how they feel about it all. Exactly.

They don't think. They don't. They don't. They don't think at all. And it is beautiful, but we're the only ones you see it. Yeah, we're the only ones who see beauty. I mean, Badgers think Badgers are attractive. They're fucking mad. Anyway, um, don't think about too much.

Well, do you think Badgers should be like, fucking Elmaga, Robbie and Wolf Wall Street? Yeah. Yeah, they should. I'm stuck fucking fucking, fucking, my ugly butcher wife. God. Why have I got to stay on my own lane? He's commenting on AI images on Instagram. Wow.

Pretty princess. Show me your bobs. Show me your bobs. Look at my, I've got stuck fucking eating badger growl. I'm fucking miserable. Miserable badger wife.

My cunt badger wife won't leave me alone. And you're wanking over fucking Margo Robbie. Christ. Yeah. Right. We just got. It's our Googling sexy badger. I think,

I think to be like, well, that's what your novel looks like now. Yeah. Badger in a fucking two-two. So we just posted, because we only just won the Chortle Award. So it was quite a funny comment. that I think

described the three of us in quite a funny way. Oh yeah. But if people who don't know, the Chortle Award is a man with a blog has bought some glass plaques and ask people to vote for the vote.

We won best podcast. We're very grateful for anybody. Someone said a Holocaust denier and a feat liberal cunt and a barely sentient deer walk into a Chortal award. I mean, that's not a bad description. You got us.

Red-handed. You got us there. You got us. A barely sensitive, sentient deer. I guess I'm the Afeet Liberal card I've never won anything

This is my first ever award Yeah Yeah It's my first award as well It means a lot I think it's my first award Yeah I don't think you've been decorated I'd be nominated for a lot

How does it compare to being a dad How is winning the Chortle best podcast Compared to Bigger Towns Yeah I don't know actually I guess only time will tell Time will tell I suppose we'll see how the Chautil Award

grows because obviously you know it's always a phase what they say about parenthood it's good for a bit and it's very challenging and then it's nice for a bit and it comes in waves the Chaucel Award hasn't changed since we got it but it's going to be quite challenging for periods to

hold on to this honour no I'm sure it's needs will grow but no I suppose to sum up Chernobyl now it's an absolute picnic down there and it's brilliant and you can go and see elks with two pussies

and you know I guess that's fun well that's that I think that that wraps up our epic Chernobyl series I think we've comprehensively dealt with the science

if you'd like more we will be doing a bonus episode on Fukushima Japanese Chernobyl that's on the Patreon where for three pounds a month to get early access to series and it's all ad free

what is it Charlie if you could have a mutation but you customize your own mutation what would be your favorite thing to have? No asshole I don't want, I just... I love to stop. Where's it going?

No, just stop. All that stops. You just don't need to shit? Yeah. That'd be pretty good. Imagine that. I think just ears, way more ears. More ears?

Yes, I can hear, because I can't really hear very well. I think you just need to fix your ears. Yeah. No, but then if you just had like a couple, I just think you'd be... Spares. We'll have a spare. Spare tire.

Spare tire. Spare tire. Yeah, ear in the boot, one above the bum. Yeah. Yeah, you could, I think you'd hear, um, you'd probably just have a much richer life and you'd be safer. One giant hand. Yeah.

One giant one small. Yeah. So you could slap, like a slapable hand. Like a French cartoon prank show. You can go like that. Well, like a big phone finger. Yeah. Yeah.

That'd be pretty good. Anyway, sign up to the Patreon. For more excellent riffs like that. And also, you will be, you will be at home. in the community of other fucking mutants. Three pounds a month. We're nearly at 30,000, you know?

Come on. Come on. We've got an army. This is a fucking Nuremberg rally. It really is. In more senses than one. Anyway, thank you for listening.

We'll see you next week for our new topic. Goodbye. Goodbye.