Fin vs History - Soggy Biscuit is a White Dominated Sport | The Golden Age of Piracy (Part 2)

Episode Date: May 22, 2025

The ugliest King there’s ever been dies without an heir, ushering in a golden age of pirates - who leave behind them a legacy of peg-legs, buried treasure and soggy biscuit. The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened. For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm here with Horatio Gould. Who are a consent? What's consent? Consent? What? What do you mean? What do you mean?

No means no. Who are means yes. Who are means yes. We're back talking about the... Woke pirates? Who are. Pirates are sort of like a social justice warrior flotilla floating around, cancelling people. Hashtag me too, me hearties.

Yeah. Hashtag me hearties. Hashtag me hearto's. It's in there somewhere. It's in there somewhere. There's a terrible sketch in there somewhere. You work it out. You work it out.

We're back talking about pirates, the golden age of piracy, or as it should really be known, the golden age of mass rape. Aquatic rape. Aquatic rape. Rape on sea. International waters. Where's rape on sea? they voted reform Rape on Sue

vote to perform I imagine they're in the local elections rape on sea and the local council of rape on sea is reform

hey I'm saying I reckon rape on C is in Lincolnshire all the worst places are in Lincolnshire I'd say rape on C

it's maybe it's an hour from Clacton the people from Clacton are like you think this is bad you don't want to get a rape on sea. And the thing is, Lincolnshire, I don't believe, is on the coast, is it? Yes, it is. Is it? Yeah, I think so. In Lincolnshire, the number of live births, now I don't like that type. Live births is a horrible phrase, isn't it? Yeah, as opposed to dead

births. Thank you. Just spelling that out, just absolutely clouting that back to the bowler. Live birth has decreased since 2013. Thank you, Charlie. Can you just confirm linkages on the coast? What's a full-term baby? Charlie, don't you, don't you worry about that. We ask. Lincolnshire. Okay. Isn't the coast? You're Googling strategy.

Fair enough. Charlie's just typed it to Google, Lincolnshire. Where is it? He's like a CEO ordering an assistant around. Lincolnshire. Where is it? Lincolnshire is on the coast, rape on sea. If it doesn't exist, that's where it is.

So we left off. Henry Avery had escaped. Mugged the Mughals off. And he'd escaped. And there's a huge manhunt for him, but they never found him. Never found him. Then there's a Scottish cunt William Kidd. Right.

Born in Dundee, began life as a legitimate privateer. As they often do. As they often do. Moves to New York. Lives on Wall Street. Really? Yeah.

But before... Before... Yeah. It's not the Wolf Wall Street. Right, right, right. This is the kitten of Wall Street. Right. Do you actually live on Wall Street?

He did, yeah. And he had quite a successful career as whatever that is. There he is. He looks Scottish. He looks Scottish. That's a Presbyterian man. That's a Presbyterian man, I've ever I saw one. That's what I'd like to look like when I'm 60.

Grey wig. several coats frowning I tell you what we didn't do in the last episode we didn't place this historically for the business and they will they will be angry they will be furious so okay we're talking about piracy in the turn of the 18th century 1700 this is after the invention of ships obviously goes without saying right ships have been around it's a big it's before those adverts used to get saying video piracy is a crime right um what is it You wouldn't steal a DVD. You wouldn't steal a car.

You wouldn't rape for five days. You wouldn't rape someone for five days. God, this advert just sends me back. This was at the start of every DVD, wasn't it? Yeah. And you couldn't skip it. Do you remember? You try and skip this.

It was so iconic. I mean, it's well made. It's very like of the era, right? It's that sort of like 2000's gritty grunge sort of vibe. Yeah. But obviously this isn't around. saturated. If this had been around, then piracy would have stopped.

Yeah. If you put it in those terms. Piracy is a crime. You wouldn't steal a DVD. You're right. Oh, you're right. I should actually stop stealing and raping these ships. You're right.

I'm sorry, mass rapes are crime? Right, right, right, right. I always think that when they have sexual harassment posters. Who is of the constitution that you would genuinely sexually harass someone? And then you see that post and you go, oh, fuck I won't do that. Yeah. Who's that guy? Yeah.

I don't know. I want to meet him. I want to meet him. I want to get him on the pod. I want to shake his. hand. Can I show your hand please, sir?

Anyway, William Kidd, mean-eyed Scottish fucker, dull man. He doesn't like kidding around. No,

doesn't like kidding. He's William adult, really. Yeah. William, why's that funny? He receives a royal commission from King William

the 3rd in 1695 to hunt pirates and French ships in the Indian Ocean. He set sail in 1690. aboard his ship

The Adventure Galley But it's quite a funny story He's a renowned privateer He's commissioned to go and sort out Fuck Up the French in the Indian Ocean He pan picks his crew And they're leaving Greenwich They're leaving, they're sailing out

And the Royal Naval lot of Greenwich They pass a royal ship And the royal ship reminds them By firing a gun on the air That they have to salute the royal ship And the crew go Nah, fuck that And not only do they not salute

They all bend over and get their bums out and showed them at the Royal Navy they moony the Royal Navy What's just straight out of the gate Yeah like

Like fuck you Because they're like We're better than you We're anarchists I guess that's the whole pirate myth Isn't it We're anti-establishment With Johnny Rotten

On this morning With Anna Nick Fuck you Right right right They get their bums out Because they're all dirty Communist probably Right right right

Then the Navy are like Well if you're going to do that We're just going to press gang Your entire crew So they press gang Three quarters of the crew Force them to work in the Navy And then kids just

got to basically find a bunch of other fucktards. They probably shouldn't have moon the Royal Navy. They definitely shouldn't have moon the Navy. That was probably a mistake. Yeah, they've not even left London. And they've meant to get to Madagascar and they've had their entire crew press gang. Yeah, it's like a stag dude breaking down on the train.

Yeah. What is it called to Mooney and Pooh? Is that like a Mooney Plus? It would be a pooney. That'd be much more offensive. If somebody did that to me, I would be much more upset if it was just bottom. No, because what would be, it's like, oh, they're moonying me. Oh my God, they're pooning me.

Because you'd hear it would be two different things. It's nine or eight. yeah oh oh oh my god and another surely it's mooney then it's goatee then it's poony goatee a goatsy is when you pull your ass apart and you go look at my ass hole look up dembati

my friend did that to me the other day oh yeah well that's just how you say hello isn't it fucking idiots what was it for what was just for I didn't like it though what was it for yeah I don't know oh I need him to witness a witness a legal contract

so he better over and pulled his ass apart. Yeah, signed in the presence of my flatmate. He's goatzing in the corner, but I guess that'll... That'll do what it is. It's one of those old medieval laws. It's an old medieval laws. It's like where you can still ten sheep on your front garden.

You're going to witness a document. You've got to goatee in the corner. So they moon the Navy. Don't we talk about press gang? Because I think press gang is fucking mad. It's fucking hilarious, isn't it? What's bean binging? What's that, Charlie?

Beanbunging. It's just... All right. That's when you insert. balls into your bum. Okay. William Kidd is the opposite of someone who's been

bummed. He's a Presbyterian man. I'll say this. I don't know much about him but he's never been bunging in his life. Press gang often happen on coastal towns, right? Press gang is when you put your bum in someone's balls. Press gang bang.

Press gang bang. That's when you steal the ship's crew and then get him towards fuck each other. No, sorry. It's quite funny where it's like, oh, we need some more crew. How about we just stopped by this town and just kidnapped?

some people. Yeah. They will just get off and they'll just be someone just a piss person in the street minding his own business. This is nice. The son's out.

I've got a pint. This is brilliant. And he just gets bundled into a sack. And then he's working on a boat for three years. Doesn't get to say goodbye to his family. They think he's dead.

Yeah, it's mad. It's mad. Imagine getting press gang. And you think about like... Oh, for fuck, say. And what I do think is that that's why some towns have strong naval connections

is there are some towns where you can't imagine anyone being press ganged. Like Edinburgh. People are like, fuck off. I'm not being press gang Portsmouth, yeah.

What do you mean? Well, they're all just fucking drunk on a beach with no teeth. And press gang is actually is probably saving them for the life of being in Portsmouth. So William Kidd is,

yeah, his ship get press gang because they moony, which as we've said is not actually in the grade scale of things you can do with your ass at a distance. It's not that bad. Yeah, on the Nando scale.

But maybe this is pre, maybe this is pre-Pooning. To be fair, I find out about pruning 30 seconds ago. I might have invented it. We may have invented it. I guess it's a dirty protest of sorts. I guess it goes mooning, goateeying, poonying, Bobby Sands.

Bobby Sands, yeah. Sorry? Yeah, Beanbonging will be in there before Bobby Sands. Beanbonging is putting your balls in the bum. Yeah. Oh, is it? Yeah. Just talking to the mic.

That bean bungy is putting your balls in your own bum. How? Is that an act of protest? You need to have a lot of slack, I think. Yeah, what point are you making with that, I wonder, what... Look what I can do. So I guess it's showing off. Don't come over here.

You want some. Look what I can do. Oh my God. Stand down. That mad cunt just beanbung himself. What's the good way to get to be beanbonged someone else, though? Getting out of a bar fight. No, put your balls in there, but...

That's bait beanbong. Bean bang. Bean bang. Bean bagging. Bean banging. Right, guys. Come on. Let's get.

We're back. For Christ's sake, there's some piracy to talk about. A kid set sail, but he's basically fucked it. He has to fill his crew, the goatee lads. They've got rid of them. He has to fill his crew with whoever he can get, which is essentially is pirates on Madagascar. So actual pirates. Oh, right.

Not pirates, pirates. He's got this letter of Mark. Problematic men? Problematic men. Men who, by today's standards. Their tweet. brought up now are shocking. If you're digging up these guys' tweets,

you're not going to give them jobs in financial institutions. They've got some salty opinions and some even saltier languages. Consent is for the birds, except it's not, crucially. Forget I said that. Basically, they don't find anyone.

They don't find anyone to attack for months. But Kid has got this crew of actual pirates, and they're obviously hungry, horny, scared scared they're young dumb and full of calm um and eventually they do find they they see he he abandons the indian ocean and goes up to the red sea where in our last episode we talked about the avery heist he goes up and he tries well does he try or does he just

stumble upon we don't know he finds this mughal ship again making the pilgrimage from surat to hodge he sees a french flag flying and he goes well do you know what i've got license my letter of Mark says that I can fuck up ships that have a French flag. So he, what he does, and this is something they always did is he hoist the French flag on his. Because that's something that you don't realize that pirates had all the flags. Well, yeah.

They had the black. I don't know why more people didn't do that. They had the black flag, which is their flag, which is the Jolly Roger. Pride flag. Pride flag. Yeah. Trans flag. Some Georges. Yeah. Any person they met, they were like, oh yeah, we're mates. So they're like those insincere allies. You meet those

fuck boys who are like, oh yeah, I'm a feminist. Right, yeah. We're in a turton neck. and reading kind of performatively in public at coffee shop hoping that women would come up to you glasses that don't have any lenses in them purely for decoration turtleneck Sally Rooney book yeah oh do you hear about that story of the surgeon who couldn't operate on their own son she was actually a woman you didn't think that did you because you're such a misogynist yeah so they raised the trans flag and they go oh fuck wrong one and then they raise the french flag and the other ship

go, oh, that's a front of a French ship. But then they're thinking... Yeah, of course it's the French ship. But then they're thinking, we're not a French ship either. So both ships have the wrong flag. Avery boards the ship because then he raises the Jolly Roger,

the black one, the Scull and Crossbones, the black flag as it's known. And you know that it's called the Jolly Roger because Roger is the name for the devil. Yes. Old Roger. Yeah. It's quite funny.

Yeah. Why is he called Roger? It's just such a boring. It makes them less intimidating. Yeah. Roger. Hey, if you commit sin in your life,

you'll go to hell. Who will I mean down there? Oh, Roger's down there. Yeah, but if you have to spend eternity with Roger, that doesn't sound very good. Well, but I just sound bad, that shit. With Uncle Rodge. Anyway, they board the ship

and then almost immediately they realize fuck, this is a Mughal ship. This is the East Indic Company's interest. Oh, is it Mugh? It's Armenian. Sorry, it's called the Kedai merchant. It's an Armenian ship, but it's under the protection of the Mughals

because it's taking them to Hage. Fine. Hage again, fucking out. Yeah, they love it. Yeah, they love it. I tell you what, those ads fucking love it. I'm going to go hard this year. I fucking love Hage, man.

Man. Yeah, me and the Mises went Hage last year. Mate, it was brilliant. It was fucking sick. Do you get hard tickets? No, I missed out. Actually, I managed to get coach on pre-sale. Yeah?

Yeah, so I have to get, it's time tickets. Mate, all the whole WhatsApp group, we're all being like, right, the ticket's going to at 8.m. We're getting harsh tickets. Hodge. Fucked. I want to go to a good place. Service down.

Service down. Couldn't get it. I've heard, I've heard, um, the imam's headlining. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, man. Again, same guy as always. Yeah, um, but fuck he slaps. Yeah, he's doing a late night DJ set as well.

No, shit. With a B2B with another email. Another Eman. It's like Darth punk. Anyway, so, uh,

they're banging Hajj. Um, and, uh, so a kid realizes he goes, oh, fuck, this is a mubal ship. And I'm not,

I'm not meant to be on here. But legally, he has a case that he's allowed to be because of the French thing. Yeah, I mean, yeah, they had a French flag. But he goes, let's get off boys.

But then all his pirates, his salty crew, because he lost all the moon, he goatsy boys. The pirates are like, fuck this, we've not had anything for months. Let's fuck them up.

Kid is, you know, he's going to get a killed. He's going to get a mutinyed otherwise. So he goes, all right, just do it. So then he just fully becomes a pirate

and he robs the ship, It's a pirate's life for me. It's a pirate life for me. But then he goes back to New York, hoping to clear his name, but immediately gets arrested and sent back to London. Right. Because, obviously, this has happened again to the Mughals, and the East India Company are like, fucking hell, lads, chill out.

These guys are going to Hajj. The lineup is sick. Let them be. And so kids put on trial, and this is like the trial of the century. I mean it's 1701 so it's one year old it's the first trial right so it's not actually trial central doesn't really mean anything at this point

and he thinks it's a show trial he thinks it's a farce right so he's like gangroo court yeah because he's like I had a I had a mark to you know take on the French they had a French flag

it's legal it's above board but the East India company they need to make a British they need to make an example of him because there's pirate thing's getting out of control yeah but they seem like they kind of they're kind of like it

yeah he's the kid Yeah. You like, Kid. He's Billy the Kid. You're the like, lad. Yeah. He's our kid. He might be a wrong one, but he's our long one.

Yeah. He's our kid. Yeah. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's taxes extra.

So, Kid is found guilty. He's then hanged at whopping. Execution is warfing. That's where they hang them. I came through whopping on the way here. Did he? Yeah. It's very nice now.

Is it? Yeah. Wopping's lovely. Nice restaurants. So Captain Kidd is, he's hanged at Wapping Wharf. Hang by the neck till death. Yep. So the last thing he does is calm because that's...

Yeah. That's what he's into. Painful, yeah. Lany last request? Oh yeah, just chat me off while I'm hanging. No, you're the last thing you experience as you hang as a painful erection and orgasm. That's why auto-erotic fixiation is a thing. Is it really?

Do you not know this? No. How's this? Charlie, do you not know this? But you're like, I mean, I imagine you're both doing that to each other when you're podcasting on the other. That's what our other podcast is about, very much. Yeah.

That's why you do it. Because when you hang to death, the last thing you experience is a very painful yet blissful ejaculation. So the whole point of auto... I don't believe that. Google it. You come when you hang. Google it. Yeah.

Google it. The last thing that happens when you hang. I think this is just a... dream you had and you think it's not. No, it's the truth. I think it's just something you've typed in. No, it's not. It's, that's what happens. Occasionally. I think it's a freak accident. It can happen though. He's retreating out. Go to the... It's not every time that someone hangs, it's, oh yeah. No, it happens as a freak thing. And then the observers at public, no to the male, it's developed an erection. So you always get an erection. Right, fine. A death

erection. Type in a death erection. Let's find out. Death erections are great. name for a band. Death erection. Death erection. Would that not be a bit of a slap in the face, though? What depends on how big your cock is? You could barely get that out. You were so excited.

You were laughing before you were... It's a gift and a curse. The speed of thoughts, a gift and a curse. You couldn't believe your luck. A death erection, also known as post-mortemortem erection, is a phenomenon where a male's penis becomes erect after death. It's not a common occurrence.

And it's most often associated with violent death, especially those involving hanging. Oh, right. Fine, fine, fine. so for hanging it's yeah so you know you could probably

I reckon Hitler shoot himself in the head blood bang hit their erection right violent death all the Nazis

that were hanged after Nuremberg they're all getting erections they're getting Nazi boners right blood so the whole point of doing that

is because you're trying to supposedly the suffocating that less oxygen intensifies the orgasm right are you sending blood away from your neck

did you add the bit about was it did anyone have a bit I had a bit about how it's only men die that way and that no woman has ever because women can multitask and so they can hang themselves and masturbate the same time, whereas men get too excited

and they just come in. But was you the thing about how if I'm going to commit suicide, I'm going to do it that way because if you die you die, but if it goes well, maybe you won't want to live longer because if you're going to die you might as well go out. I did have a bit about this about if I was on the German wings plane

and it's going down and it's like what did you do I just start jacking it I just start jacking it but then it'd be very funny if you then the plane landed and the person next year's like

you're disgusting oh no sorry can you crash the plane sorry can you crash actually sorry anyway my word so William Kidd is hang gets a big old

rotten pirate boner he's then tarred it's called his body it's called gibbetid his dolly roger is hung in chains hard as fuck is Rogers flying at four mast but his body's then covered in tar

to preserve it and he's hung for weeks, months as like a example but you compare that to Henry Morgan who did a similar thing attacked someone and it was grey area as to whether it was in the remit of his letter of Mark he's made governor of Jamaica

so it just goes to show different strokes well I was going to say it's more how virus has become more of a threat pirates become more of a threat well I guess everyone likes it Everyone's into something different, aren't they? This guy got off on being governor of Jamaica,

and the other guy just wanted to be hang so hard he came. But, you know, we're all into different things. Sexuality is a spectrum. Henry Morgan, Charlie's just got some photos up. His eyes are too far apart. You don't see that on the rum bottle, do you? No. Did he make the rum, or is they just using his legacy?

It's using his legacy. Right. Yeah. Because obviously, he's probably a slave owner. Yeah. Anyway. So, we're rattling through it. William Kidd dead.

Avery's escaped. Now, in 1700, the big thing happens, the start of the 18th century, King Charles II of Spain dies. And he's got no kids because he's Spanish, he's lazy, he can't get it up, he's too tired. There's no one to leave the throne to. So this starts the war of the Spanish succession. Now, I don't know much about this. Is that the remake of...

Succession? Yeah, but... It's a prequel. Spanish succession. Oh, my God. Is that... No, that's... And you're saying this guy didn't have any kids?

Right. So for the listeners, Charlie's just got a photo up of Charles Second. Now, the terrifying thing is how good is the painter? We don't know. Is he a normal looking guy

with the terrible painter? Or is you a brilliant painter who's just doing it extraordinary? I mean, there's several different paintings and they've all got the same... It looks like that guy from Wacky Races. What's his name with the big chin in Wacky Races? Oh, Dick Dastedly.

Yeah. Yeah. This guy is... I mean, what noise is that... facemaking. Hadsburg jaw. We should do an episode on the Hadsberg. The Hapsburg jaw?

What's Hapsburg jaw? You know about this? Is that like a sex thing? You know, it's the Habsburg, because there's so much intermarriage in the Hadsburg dynasty, they just have this extraordinary underbite. Oh, right.

But he's Spanish. So it's... Kee? K? That's what I mean is that... He's actually the Holy Roman Emperor. Kappaza. So I don't know how Spanish-y this guy is.

Me, I'm a child. He's probably based in Germany. Right. So he dies, childless, which is, if you've been watching... Shock. I mean, if you're listening, Google him and you'll see what we mean. Do you know what I do know about this war? The first ever global war.

There's war, a different... First war to have different theatres. Right. So arguably the First World War. Arguably, this is the First World War. Right. It's not, though. No.

Because all these different countries have... Colonies and colonies. there's fighting in India there's fighting in the Caribbean South America, Europe it goes on for 13 years but because it's a global war every country has loads and loads and loads

of privateers the mercenaries when this ends in 1713 with the Treaty of Utrecht all these privateers no longer are state sanctioned but they've had 13 years

of having a great old fucking time raping and pillaging on the sea so they immediately all become pirates. Right. And this is where the real golden age of piracy kicks in

because this is where you start getting people like the renowned, the terrifying black beard, beard of colour, whatever you call him now. And this is a guy called Edward Teach.

BOC. Sorry, he's a pirate of colour. B.O.C. He's called Edward Teach or he's called Edward Thatch. No one knows. But he's from Bristol. Right.

Right, right, mate. Which immediately makes him less terrifying. Yeah. He supposedly the most... these pirates that makes them less terrifying to be there from the West Country. The legend of Blackbeard

is this terrifying guy with a massive beard. But I went to Union Bristol. I know this guy. You met this guy? Yeah. Southside. Ashton Gate drinking Perry. You're like, all right.

You've got any spare tickets. Yeah. You're right. The whole place stinks of weed. So Blackbeard is Edward Teach, which is it's a weird name, but it makes sense if you know

the West Country because they take the aisle of everything. All right, cheers drive. It's all the same thing to get off a bus rather than thank you driver. Right, right, right. So he emerges around

1716 black beard and he commands a ship called the queen anne's revenge and it's a former french slave ship and he's got 40 guns and it's a big old ship and he he what he does uh apparently he's not actually that ruthless he's not that um violent he does it all in reputation it's much you're much more successful as a pirate if you if they if they hear about you he's spent a lot money on the PR yeah he's a very good PR man right so putting him in the guardian he's getting all these pieces about him being terrifying you're writing an article for the guardian yeah yeah yeah um so what he does is he goes well if people are afraid of me then when they see me they'll just give up the surrender before i have to waste any ammunition on taking it right so he's a that's why he's

like a show pirate that's why he's getting this massive beard he's got this big beard and apparently what he does is he puts slow burning fuses in the beard so that like fire comes out of his beard oh so he's he's a musical theater guy he's a carney What's a Carnie? Carnie. What's that? Like a gypsy circus freak. Charlie, you know what a Carnie is, don't you?

No, I thought I was a shot of Carnival. Yeah. Or Chilicon Carnie. It's not Chilicon Carnie. Right. No, a Carnie. Like, get those fucking Carnies off my lawn. Yeah, I guess me and Charlie are less racist than you, I guess.

No. I guess we don't. Yeah, put it in a sentence. With a. With a fucking lawn. With an E. With an E. With an E.

Carnie. Go those carnies on my lawn. There's that guy. Right. Carnies are people who work at fairgrounds. Oh, right, right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah, they're circus freaks.

Anyway, um, blackbeards are filthy carney. But yeah, so there's a showmanship to it. There's a, there's a campness to it. And also, the pirates are quite camp because a lot of the ships they'd steal from, they would, and Blackbeard's crew, right? They would wear all the stuff of these rich people, right? But that would often be women's dresses. It would be like silks.

Yeah. So they did look really quite, quite zesky. Hey! Old Rogers Come in and get you Yeah, wearing dresses fucking Well they're Dan

I guess this is But how much This is myth How much of this is true We don't know Blackbeard Is sort of the basis for

The Modern Pirate The Modern Pirate So Is he played in Pirates of Caribbean By Keith Richardson? Is Keith Richards In Pirates of the Caribbean? He's in one of them

Yeah he's Jack's dad Is he? Oh he's Jack's dad Oh But you know Pirates of the Caribbean I think it's three Is the only film I've ever walked out

Yeah it's so long I was on a date and we went, no, let's go. Was this that the one with the interval? Do you leave at the interval? No, there wasn't an interval. We just left because it was boring and I hadn't seen the second one. There is an interval.

I think you left before the interval. I couldn't get over how this was a crime. Yeah. These are criminals and we're just glorifying it, are we? That was kind of the zenith of big releases being super long. That was like, because there was for ages that like big blockbusters would be like often being three hours. And I think that was the point where everyone got sick of it

and they started pulling it back. So Blackbeard, it's, funny how he's renowned as a pirate because he's not actually that successful. There's a guy called Black Bart, who's way more successful. Right. Just worse PR. Worse PR.

Anyway, Blackbeard is supposedly terrifying. And his big thing is that he, in 1717, he blockades the port of Charleston in South Carolina. So he'd be banging up and down the eastern seaboard of America. And he sees his ships and hostages. And this is the funny thing is that it's so cool. It's one of the biggest halls in pirate history. It's up there with the kid and the Keday mode,

the Keday and the Gangeshawar. But all he gets from this big blockade is a chest of medicines. Rubbish. Because it's cowpaw. But it's not actually. But he desperately needs the medicine because basically everyone on board has got clap. Definitely. Because they're all fucking each other.

Yeah. Because there's no women or boys allowed. And so they're just fucking each other in the bar, I think. And I think probably this is where Soky Biscuits invented. right and well the biscuit a navel biscuit very robust yeah it's a robust thing that if you're going to play soggy biscuit the top level would be an old naval biscuit yes yeah that's like yeah that's it's very hard to make soft level soggy biscuit it's the driest biscuit in the world professional soggy biscuit isn't it's with navy maybe biscuits yeah ground crackers Olympic standard yeah yeah

Olympic soggy biscuit of which I am in the running for this year I'm trying to I'd like to be this country's nominee for yeah I mean you won regionals I did recently so yeah I cleared through It's sailed through regional. It's nationals that is the big... It'd be fun to do a... It'd be like a cool runninges remake, but it's not bobsled to get soggy biscuit. Come running.

We are the Jamaican soggy biscuit team. Yeah, it's a very white-dominated sport. Obviously, it's a wide-dominated sport. It's a private school thing. Soggy biscuit. What are you saying? There's a lot of elitism to the soggy biscuit. It's kind of like parlor.

It's like it's hard to break in. One of my main missions is to break down barriers so that more black people and people of color can play soggy biscuit. I've started a charity called Soggy Biscuit for All We're an inclusive sport I've already got Sebastian Coe signed up

But do you think Do you think if black people started doing soggy biscuit Would it be similar to when black people Start playing basketball? It's not fair They just start dominating Something about them

They're better at it They're coming faster How is this possible? They've got more come in them I have to eat a soggy biscuit I'm also I'm also I'm also

campaigning for a Paralympic Soggy Biscuit I actually would like to do the Invictus Soggy Biscuit which is war veterans

Prince Harry is sponsored an Invictor's Soggy Biscuit for men who've lost limbs Can't use his arms How is you going to do this? Oh well

that's the joy of the Invictor Soggy Biscuiticcett games is that it's just seeing Your mental dexterity. What? Just he makes himself come with his... He hangs himself.

They hang him. Anyway. So what on earth are we talking about? Oh yeah. So they've all got the clap, Blackfish crew. And so the chest of medicines... It's a round of applause.

The ship is a round of applause. They've all got... Whatever. What is clapped? Sorry. How do pirates white their bottom? That's quite interesting. Pirates in the HR sell generally used communal tow rags

or swan. So they shared a rag to white their ass. Right. And they called the toilet the seat of ease, which is quite nice. So they're communists. Right, yeah. Share it. Yeah, share a toilet paper. Anyway, go on.

Everyone on board Blackbeard's ship has got venereal disease. So part of the big haul he gets from blockading Charleston is mercury. Because what you would do in this day and age to cure yourself is that you would inject mercury up your cock. Right. And you would then die from mercury poisoning. but you would no longer have the clap. So it's a lot of throwing the baby out

with the bathwater. Sure. But you do no longer have a clap to be there to them. But it's that age-old problem if it's the cure worse than the disease. Right, right. Yes, because it's a death sentence. Right. So anyway, so in 1718, Blackbeard accepts a royal pardon because this is where

after this sort of five years of insane piracy after the Treaty of Utrecht, the Royal Navy clamped down, and they send out a guy called Wood something. Woods, Roger Woods. I don't know, it doesn't matter. They send him out and they go, you've got to sort this out.

The Caribbean's infested of pirates. You've got to sort it out. And so he starts the system of going, it's an amnesty, it's a pirate amnesty, royal pardon. Hand over your treasure. Yes, that's the bit. And we won't kill you or anything.

Yeah, you've all, anyone, no matter what you've done. Yeah. If you promise not to stop pirating, you're forgiven. Woods Rogers, that's his name. But is this at the height of Nassau. Yeah, I think so.

And Nassau is like Port Royal. It's like a pirate colony, but it's basically like a state almost. now it's like a pirate free state basically and this is where he's going to root out piracy he's he's he actually sieges this out i think oh does he i think so yeah right so uh black beard accepts this royal pardon but immediately goes fuck you and returns to being a pirate yes because he's a cool guy yeah so then a governor alexander spotswood of virginia hey y'all hey y'all i'm alexander spottswood and draw i want this black beard this i don't like the sound of this i wonder why

This black fella. So he sends Lieutenant Robert Maynard of the Royal Navy to hunt him down. Blackbeard eventually meets Maynard in a mad battle off Ocracoki Island, North Carolina. And apparently, go on, that's nice. What are you going to say? I was going to say that they have an insane 40 minute. 45, yeah, 45 minutes. Sword fight.

It's kind of like an episode of this podcast long. Yeah, it is. I was talking about the whole of this episode. So we were talking about 40 minutes. this entire time Blackbeard's been fighting Ting, ping, king, bong, bong Yeah And what's it called?

Maynard stabs Blackbeard in the leg First thing Blackbeard says Oh, well done, sir Or well dancer I guess after 45 minutes You got a... Well done, sir, and then he cuts his head off And Blackbeard goes

Oh, well that's a bit, yeah, not that. Well, don't cut that bit off And then shoots him five times Fair enough Because Blackbeard has been terrorising British interests in the colonies

for five years so apparently Blackbeard suffered five gunshot wounds and 20 plus sword cuts before dying and having his head cut off and then Maynard

then hangs Blackbeard's head from the ship and they say that up and down the eastern seaboard for like weeks and months to try and again they're just trying to like

de-glorify and turn people away from being pirates so they take it on tour yeah they took Blackbeard's head on tour heads on tour but this is like we were saying about how they didn't do this

with the Nazis yes this is like a procession thing yeah I guess so yeah do you think it was good I guess it's because of the yeah they're trying to show that they're above it

I do think it feels more likely to happen again if you parade heads around well this is the thing is that everyone it's what happened after kids' executions is that everyone goes oh well I actually quite like the idea of being a pirate

and you've just reminded me that pirates exist so I'm going to go me a pirate oh really yeah so it actually increases you know because at this same time any press is good press sort of stuff at this time the privacy is in the press

you know they're becoming um like figures of fun there's a play that opens called like the pirate show yeah there's a play that opens the West End called the Pirate King right and it's all about Avery and it's kind of like

well there's the Pirates the Penzance I mean that's much later that's far later you've not placed it at all well but it's in the pirate myth making starts basically at you know in the early 18th century similar to Ripper it's happening

Yeah, it's happening at the time. And so for all the Royal Navy and the government's attempts to clamp down on it, people just love it. They end up putting his head on a spike and putting it at this point in the river near Carolina, I think. And that's now called Blackbeard's Point.

And people would just use that as an actual, like, thing. His old skull would be there. But people still love it because this is back when rapists were lovable. Right. You know, this is... This is brand's Big Brother days. It's Big Brothers.

mouth that I'm going to pick my dick in whether you like it or not that's you know people really should have read the rest of that show's title in brackets shouldn't they um it was obvious at the time yeah this is this is brand on channel four it's like oh he's a he's just a jack the lad yeah yeah yeah yeah and so piracy continues uh but the royal navy at some point after after you know black beard they go right we've really got to get on with this because obviously britain at this point it's become clear that the navy is the way for Britain to make money. Right.

They develop Royal Navy ships to hunt pirates. And they finally, after 70-odd years, actually go, do you know what? We need to actually have fucking base in Jamaica, Bahamas. So it all just gets a bit more official. Yeah. And they make admiralty courts for pirate trials. And so basically by the 1730s, piracy is essentially suppressed. Right.

Black Bart, who was the most successful pirate, I think he stole 400 ships. right fuck so he's not that well known because again he didn't have the PR and also his pictures are worse yeah his pictures are worse but also his his whole thing um so he's the guy who created the pirate code he's very strict so he's like lights out after 8pm which is quite funny for a pirate really lights up at 8pm curfew no women and boys obviously right dividing up the loot equally this is quite funny compensation for injuries different limbs were you give different amounts. So you know those

adverts where it's like, have you had an accident? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could be tied to conversation. Yeah, it's an only version of that. So an arm. Injury lawyers for you, basically. Injury lawyers for you.

Yeah. A loss of a, now your right arm was 600 pieces of eight. I mean, it'd be funny. An injury lawyer's for you advert thing of pirate. Has your arm being chopped off on a rate mission

on the coast of the Bahamas? Or you could be just... Yeah. Again, this is back when, you know, people were siding with the rapists after the... I'd love to be an actual. one of those adverts.

I always thought, Ninja Lois for you. They're such a funny advert. It's just up a ladder. Ah! Being run over by like a forklift. So a piece of eight, which is about 28 grams of silver,

it's now about 30 quid. Okay. So, I mean, it's mad maths, but what's 600, what's 630 quids? 18 grand. I mean, it's quite a lot, is it? That's good.

So if you lose, your right, your right, well, when I did it, yeah, it's not anymore. It's gone down. Yeah. Now it's about 300 pieces of eight. Fucking out.

For hosting. If you're right. right arm it's 18 grand your left arm it's like four grand right because they just assume everyone's right hand is right which if you're left handed then you're getting a raw deal yeah um fuck yeah loss of an eye is the same as a loss of a finger which is about well that seems a bit silly yeah i'd i'd i'd price an eye i'd i'd play 250 for an eye maybe well you've got less eyes you've got less eyes than fingers so surely you'd you're an eye is more is well one eye is 250 and both eyes, that's got to be

a thousand pieces, right? You're blind. But it's supply and demand, isn't it? I've got more fingers than eyes. So the market is full of fingers. Right, right, right, right. But eyes are a commodity.

And your legs is like, who gives a shit? 500 pieces of weight. That's in fashion. That's in value. You're more pirate than ever. Loss of a finger was typically compensated with 100 pieces of eight.

So the eye and the finger is worth the same. Yeah, that's what I just said. Oh, really? Yeah, do you remember a minute ago? Literally a minute. go in this room right now yeah through a microphone into your headphones unbelievable unbelievable into your noise cancelling headphones we're speaking directly mad it's insane it's basically like holding a pipe and shouting

into your ears and then 10 minutes later oh i just found this fact out have you i wonder how you'd Charlie be the easiest person to incept what in inception yeah it'd be a much worse film you'd have to go it's not a dream within a dream it's the first dream it's you don't have to go into the dream he's just awake oh by the way you think this I did oh do I okay Fine. It's a short film. I think that's what makes it. The charm of Charlie is he is genuinely trying his best.

It's just his best isn't good enough. But it's not good enough in the most unpredictable way possible. That's what's so funny. It's not like, oh, he's done that again. It's like, how have you done that? How has he done? It's like a dog who brings you back. Like I'm supposed to know.

A different dead animal every time. How the fuck have you found that? Oh, what are what I meant to know? Charlie, you failed your exams. Well, yeah, of course I have. It's not my fault. You're meant to teach me. So interestingly, pirates actually, they start democracy.

Obviously, life on land for landlubbers, such as yourselves, landlubbers, filthy landlubbers, is very strict, harsh, unequal. But for these sea benders, these bisexual men of land and sea, captains are often elected, quartermasters. Quartermasters is like a checks and,

balance i think it's someone who can like keep an eye on the captain not getting too big yeah captains had full authority in battle but the quartermaster basically oversaw like the daily life and HR he's HR yeah he's pirate HR HR HR HR I'm in HR do you know what I say that's the cleanest joke we've ever made on this podcast that's good stuff do you know what I also saw your eyes widened and he didn't quite know how it was going to come out and then it came out came out perfect you know when you just let go

of a ball you don't quite know and it's just you think as you've released that you think that's taken out of stump

that is that's a beauty HR HR you know what if you listen to this podcast you think

I wish I could play this with my kids around I can't even riff with that that's there's no notes

no note no you're offstom 's been taken out of the ground you're walking you're walking off HR HR

but there's no to topers to that if you listen to if you listen to this is my kids, just play that 20-second section. Before we get back

to talking about rape. Rape. Rape. Rape. Right. Oh, I'm not getting paid enough for my raping. We'll talk to HR. You want to talk to HR.

Anyway, stop saying it. Do you get to death now. So, major decisions like attacking ships were put to a vote. Yeah. Then you had gambling was for bidden, you know, so it's

quite austere. What's it? I guess a lot. So like Ray Winston ads. Aye. Oye. Remember to always Campbell responsibly.

Rainer fun stops. Stop. That's my favourite. My very bit is they have this whole thing glamourising and then they have legally, you have to get Ray Winston back out and say, yeah, if your wife's leaving you and your life falling apart, then you should probably stop. But also, if you don't, we don't give a fuck because we make so much money.

Yeah. 300% Acker. You're going to be clean big Every game Don't do it though Don't do it Don't do it You'll make loads of money

I know other people I'm a fucking idiot Would do it Yeah Come on Meet me after Meet me after Zad So it's quite funny

How austere it is I guess all the pirates You know They're Scottish aren't they So they're Presbyterians Well I just I just get You can't really get

This off the ground The thing about The age of sale And the admin of running a ship Yeah If you're a well-run ship You can take over the world with well-run ships, basically.

It's so important. It means that the kind of innovation, not only the British Empire, the Industrial Revolution, the civil service, all of that comes from the Navy because the level of organisation you have to have is so extraordinary.

So that's why there's so many innovations in this field is because you just cannot survive on the open sea without an extraordinary kind of small, an market system of government, right? But I guess it's funny how then you've got these pirate coves where there was just shit everywhere

and people were... Well, that's on the land. No, but on sea, it was like we're tightly controlled. Because you will literally die, but on the land, it's like, who gives a fuck? He gives a fight, it's land, is it? So, musicians were allowed to, we're allowed Sundays off from playing, lighting candles near gunpow, it was prohibited.

I said, yeah, how, so musician, how much? So is that just every night, you do a set? Oh, God, they're doing the fucking sea shanties, aren't they? Yeah, they love it. Do you love a sea shanty? I don't know, they're like the TikTok ones. Oh, no, I hated that. Any, yeah.

Yeah. The sea shanty craze, I just did not. get on board with us or I just thought everyone was a nonce. Should we wrap this episode up? I'm getting quite hungry. I want a big sandwich. So what we should wrap this up by saying that the legacy of the golden age of piracy is it's essentially

turned what was 80 years of mass rape into a fun little costume for your child to wear on their third birthday. And the reason it's done that is because in the 1730s after the piracy is clamped down on, people write books where they embellish all the romance of the

Pirates. Leave out all the mass rape. Leave out all the mass rape. But they talk about William Kidd, what he did was just before he died, William Kidd, he tried to bargain by saying, I buried some treasure off the coast of New England. And if you spare my life, I'll find it and I'll give it to you and it's £100,000. They went, I don't believe you. And he probably hadn't buried it at all. And the whole buried treasure myth is bollocks.

There's almost certainly no buried treasure anyway. but people start writing it. It feels like the British public I've always loved a mystery. Yeah. Anything like that. Jack the Ripper, all these things

always, they can't believe it. They love soaps. Society standards, it's just like what's going to happen next. Madeline McCann, Poirot, all of it. Yeah. But still to this day, there's a French guy called La Bouce, the Buzzard,

and his grave is buried on La Reunion, which is a big pirate place as well, island off the coast of Africa. And still to this day, because he was so virile and fertile, people go to his grave and they leave bottles of rum, or they drink rum at his grave

when they're trying for a baby, that's what they do. Right. Because he was such a, you know, still people love the manly idea of pirates so much. Is that Labus? Big nose. Yeah.

I mean, he looks ugly, but he's ugly hot, I'd say. Yeah. Women are finding him hot. I can see it. Yeah. He's got that Vincent Kassell nose that you want to chew on. Yeah.

He's got a nose women want to sit on. and those the face that launched a thousand shows yeah we wouldn't want to sit on tell me lies Pinocchio tell me lies yeah so yeah it's

the whole thing about like walking the plank I don't know where that comes from does that come from J.M. Barry is that Peter Pan so much of the pirate stuff is basically myth it's Treasure Island

Long John Silver all that is people romanticising kid and oh yeah Treasure Island Avery and you know, where does walking the plank come from? Who wrote Treasure Island?

The Scottish guy. What's he called? Alex Hammond. Not Alex Hammond. Robert Louis Stevenson. Right. A sickly man with a robust imagination. That's what I'd call you.

But to sum this up, I suppose. The golden age of piracy was an awful time. It was 80 years of pure crime. And for some reason, it's been mythologised so that now you know

dandy people Russell Brown can still get away with it yeah yeah it's always yeah never trust never trust a guy with painted nails no do you know what I mean

he's trying to he's trying to come across this sort of non-binary whatever but he's a rapist yeah that's the lesson to take from this right and on that we'll see you next week all non-binary people are rapists

that's what that's what Horatia wants to leave me with we'll leave the episode on that that's the goal be the goal native piracy. Our patron this week will be Johnny Depp and Amber Hood, the trial.

Should you do that? Yeah, Amber Tird. Yeah, so that'll be a bonus episode tomorrow on the Patreon. For £3 a month, you get a bonus episode every week and you get access to all the episodes at one go.

We recently hit 10,000 patrons. Incredible. We will be doing a live stream on the patron. Of Charlie's open asshole. Pooing. Charlie will be opening his asshole and be a bean bugging.

You'll bean bugging exclusive on the Patreon. To celebrate 10,000. 10,000 subscribers. Charlie will put his balls up as ours. Anyway, that's all on the Patreon. Either way, thank you so much for stopping by. And we will see you for a new topic next week.

Who are? Goodbye. Thank you.