Fin vs History - Spanish Sailors Playing Pan Cum Tomate | The Aztecs (Part 2/5)

Episode Date: June 12, 2025

Hernán Cortés, a horny Spaniard in middle management, sets sail across the Atlantic in search of New World Nookie The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit RBC.com slash Ion Cards. Horatio's having a poo, but I'm here to tell you that our new Finn versus History London date on the 29th of October at Shepard's Bush is on sale now. Be quick! There's also tickets left for Friday the 8th of August at the Edinburgh Fringe and Newcastle on the Sunday 12th of October.

Welcome back to Finn versus History, as ever I'm joined by Horatio Gould. My name is Monty. What? My name is Jeff, but instead of my name is Monty. Right, yes. Yep.

Welcome back to... Some of them are good or some of them are bad. You can't win them all. You can't win them all. It's a big series. Some of them will be duds. Just mumbling into the microphone. My name is Monty.

This is the second part of our Aztex epic series. Are there any Jeff's in this story? Jeff. My name is Dave. There's not many Jeff. Spanias or Mexicans called Jeff. I can't say My name is Heave

Today we're talking About Hernan Cortez Or as Charlie called him Hernan Hernan? What's his name? Ernan? What's fucking Hernon doing over there? Which takes a lot of aura Of Hernanan Cortez

Ernan. Ernon Cortez Who finds What are fucking going What are you doing over there? Fuck me. Did he eat and kids over there? My word. Stop nosing about Hernon. um hernon cortez a great man uh today we'll be dealing with him and uh what what on earth is he doing over there

one of the more nosy men in history nosy cortez yeah no her nosdo more like heran cortez who you know the central part of this story that we're building up to is is the great meeting between cortez and montezuma well what's interesting at this erin and monte period of time is you can just get these absolute, I guess, sort of scumbags, maybe people who maybe are not even the most exceptional people because of the period they're born. Strong word. Strong word from me off. Scumbag.

Scumbag. Cortez is a scumbag. Yeah. I'm going to get a lot of comments on I. But people who, because of the time they're born, are some of the most historic figures we've ever lived, right? What's that? It's a dog sniffing his scooch. Charlie, it's a dog sniffing as codpiece. Is that a codpiece? What else do you think it would be?

I have no idea. You think he's got a vagina? Well, do they have like a special pouch? Yeah, it's a codpiece. I've never seen that in my life. It's like a cricket box. He looks like he's wearing pads. He looks like he's got a fanny.

If we're being real about it. Right, back on the... So, Hernon Cortez. Ernden. Erden. He's born in 1484 in Spain. Now, when's this? Fortune, let me... I'll place this.

Your place this? The dumb dumps. 1484 in Medellin. Medellin. The Spanish, of course, you know, they're slightly better on the scale of using consonants and vowels than the machika. 1484, this is just before the Battle of Bosworth, which was...

1485. Right. So Richard the 3rd's around. Yes. He's yet to give battle in vain. He's yet to... Fuck, where's my horse gone? He's not said that yet.

Said that iconic. Shit! Where's my fucking horse? Fuck, my fucking hot horse had gone. He's obsessed with his horse. He mortals by the bar himself. Where the fuck is? It's my horse calm.

I'm going to fuck that fucking fit horse card. What is that fucking, I want to fight that horse. A lovely fucking. Pitch to the third is not sending he wants to fuck his horse yet. I want to put my fucking horse. It would be a very different play. Oh.

Oh, he's on his knees. Oh, fuck on my fucking, please. Get that horse cock in my ass, please. My kingdom. My kingdom, my king didn't get that horse cock in my ass for a horse. My kingdom My asshole

My asshole My asshole with It's got a horse In it Yeah It's before that Just Just

So he's He's in the tower And he's watching He's looking Of paintings Of horses Fucking hell That's a nice horse

That's a great Start Look at that horse And it's after It's after It's after It's tricky It's tricky

This way It's It's after The invention of the hay bale hey, hey oh fuck, you're joking

you're joking. You're joking. You're joking. Oh, you're joking. 1850. Another one. You joking. Hey. Not another one. Hay is in, how are they keeping hay then before the 1480s?

It was just loose hay. Does anyone ever got stuck in hay? Charlie, come on. When was the, well, how is hay stored? Well, hay's just in a pipe. Look, they've got hay stacks. When was Haywells actually invented? That's what I meant stack. I meant a stack of hay.

I mean like hay is in a box, like a square hay. You had such a good first one. I don't know if you get in that. It's before Richard III said that he wants to fuck his horse. And it's after the invention of thatched roofs. When was thatched roofs? That's when was thatched roofs is a Saxon thing. 700-A-D.

Okay. Look, you've got a beautiful 700-year cushion there. That's when Heron and Cortet. Ernan. That's when... Ernan Cortez. Oh, we've got to come by. That's when he's born.

And he's born in Medellin. Now, there's a Medellin in... Mexico, isn't it? No, it's in Colombia. Because that's in Narcos. The Medellin or another gang. Right, yes. Yeah.

I imagine they're linked somehow. Probably. Yeah. The Medellin in Spain is considered the wildest part of the country. Right. So they're not, you know, over here, maybe they're eating full meals. Who knows?

They're crazy. They're absolutely crazy. They're having three meals a day. A big plate. They're going to bed at eight. P.m. What the fuck? His father, Martin, all right, Martin. Martin. You're right, Erlin. I'll have a son. I'll call Vernon. An army captain and a Hidalgo. What was Martin in Spanish? How did you say that? Martin. Martin. Martin. Yeah, very different to Martin. Martin. Martin, McCutcheon. My name is

Martin. This is my perfect moment. It's funny how Martin McCutcheon was fat shamed for being just normal size. Oh, come on. Who's Martin McCutcheon? Charles. Do you know who Martin McCutcheon is? No. Right. Martin McCutcheon, it was East Enders heartthrob. Wait, she was in Love Actually. Yes, this is what I'm getting to. Martin. Martin McCutcheon, Martin McCachan, was in EastEnders, right?

And then she was killed off, and then she had a solo single called Perfect Moment. And then she was in Love Actually, which is kind of a big revival from McCutcheon. But it's what I was going to say is funny how she was fat shamed, even though she's like normal size. And beautiful. And stunning. But in Hugh Graham, that lovable scam. in Love Actually basically just calls her chunky thighs. Oh yeah, yeah.

She's just normal size. Because it's 2004 and he's not... It's one of my favorite things in the 2000s when you'll get like a skinny woman. Yeah. People be like, you know what? I love you even though you're a disgusting fat slob. I'm not vain enough to care about the fact

that you're a fucking overweight. Objectively gorgeous woman. Look at the fucking state of your thighs. You can hear thunder as you walk. Anyway, his father, Martin, was an army captain and a Hidalgo which sounds like a slur I'm enjoying that

Those fucking Hidalgo Yeah who'd you reckon they are The Hidalgos Which who we're being offensive towards A Hidalgo could be a gypsy A Spanish gypsy Hey these fucking Hidalgo's on my lawn Yeah yeah

Now that Spain is very different At this point to what it is now Right this is the kind of height Of the Spanish Empire Yes So this is when they're on top They are the number one power probably in the world, maybe the...

So for British listeners, you know, try and unpack everything you know about the country. In this day and age, Spain are an economic powerhouse. They're incredibly into, like, law. They're very exploring. They're very active. Yeah. So it's kind of like very different to what they are now.

Yes. This is their big, this is their big swing. And also, you know, Spanish people in general, I feel kind of quite, seen as quite nice people, they take you on quite sincerely nice people, wouldn't you say the Spanish? I'd say the men are sex pests. Right. And I'd say

the women are dramatic and loud. Fine. But this is when they're very nasty the Spanish. If I was pushed to stereotype Spanish, I'd say in between naps, the men are sex pests. Rapien loud. Rapien loud and the women are making mountain out of

molehills. Right, fine. Okay. So, but Hernon, Court to Ernan, he's, so his dad's, a minor nobleman, but he's quite poor, lower middle class, let's say. So he can't afford a horse. This is like, yeah, he's, he's sort of in, lives in the Greenbelt suburbs, that sort of, you know, lives in a new build. He's going on holiday, in the UK. You know, the idea that he'd go to France for a holiday would blow his mind. Sure, sure. When we were growing up, we didn't go abroad, my mum still goes on about when Edinburgh had its first pizza. She's like, I was the 70s. Before the third, we didn't have pizza.

And how long before they deep fried that? Oh, second. Yeah. And what's that? Well, put that in some hot oil and then it'll be delicious. Get that Neapolitan sourdough pizza and shove that some hot oil, would you? Make it palatable for us. Cortez had a small head.

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. And it's at 5 foot 4. But I don't know how tall that is for the age, because they're all tiddlers. Yes, they are. So I don't know. 5 foot 4 is tiny these days. Thick, Charlie.

Can you Google what the average height of a Spanish man was in the 15th, in the Oh, there we go. All right. Average height of Spain at the time is five foot three. So he's a, he's a tall five foot. He's a colossus. Kurt Erden stands astride the other Spaniards. But he was said to have been despaired of at birth. What does that mean? I was dispired of at birth. Yeah, I was about to say, I can imagine similar thing. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, genuinely. Because, so I was, I weighed 12 pounds. Oh, big boy.

One of the biggest boys. I know of bigger boys than me. Super Antonia are next to me, yeah. I had to be done via Cesarian because I would have. finish my mother off, I think, if I'd gone out any other route. The biggest baby ball in the UK for context of this story is Guy Carr, born in 1992, weighing 15 pounds and 8 ounces. I mean, I'm not far off. He's followed by George King, ranked second in the biggest babies contest, who weighed 15 pounds seven. Anyway, carry on. And the nurse, apparently, the first thing she said was, it's a monster. But I think she was just saying because of how big it was and trying to be like, but I guess that's not what you should probably say. Was it in a West

country accent? Because it's a monster. It's a monster. Oh, my word. A monster. Charpa through the anus is not normal process and it's extremely rare. What do you mean it's rare? Surely it's an absolute no. What do you mean it's rare? Well, you might fall through, I guess. What, what, accidentally knock a wall through and come out on the other end.

You can look a wall through here. Oh, that's not built properly that vaginal wall. But there's no normal births through the anus. Obviously, there's no normal bursts through the anus. Do you know about these sort of phantom births? What, like a ghost poo? What's a ghost poo? Where you go for a poo?

and then there's no wipe and your bum goes woo-o yeah I guess so no not like that it's when people don't know they're pregnant oh the fat women

on the front covers of those magazines yeah I went for a shit and then a baby came back watch my wife absolutely loves to read those magazines

she's obsessed with them they're amazing there's one called that's life right yeah that's life's amazing it's incredible because the headlines

are some of the most ghasty stuff ever and then the headline and then the title of the magazines that's life so it's like he raped me

and cut my head off That's live. That's all of people say. Yeah, incredible. Raped in April. Decapitated by May. Yeah. I dug up my partner's five secret lovers.

That's live. Absolutely incredible. She's obsessed with this magazine. I fake labor to escape my rapist captor. That's live. Hang on. Mom seduced my man as our baby died. That's life.

Oh, that's just a Tuesday. Sex mad couple kidnapped. and caged my man. What are you going to do? There's not a lot of people say. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Cowboy builder beat my mum to death.

That's life. You know, it's just every day, tales from everyday life. But I guess it also has problems and solutions. Problems on the front cover. And the title's the solution. Well, that's just life, isn't it? It's said to the most stoic magazine ever, isn't it?

I'm 61 and still breastfeeding my little boy. Well, that's just life, isn't it? That's life. what are you going to do what are you going to do very good let's get back to it fucking crazy anyway

anyway so Cortez low middle class born in Spain Spain is on top he went to Salamanca to train as a lawyer very litigious yeah

Spain is a very litigious country is it still is I don't I don't think so now yeah but at the time it is so Cortez is desperately ambitious man yeah

he's a little sort of runt boy with a tiny head even though he's very tall and he trains to be a lawyer and he works you know boring boring who gives shit he was badly behaved at school was he yeah all right and i think to be honest his sort of origin seems quite similar to like a comedian what you're saying small head comedian who's mad at school what you're saying i think you're very much a cortez well i don't know i feel like the a lot of these characters who you know

overreach with ambition or like really go trying to make themselves something feel that they were lacking something in their youth. I mean, you were probably lacking a couple of weight sizes. Lacking in weight sizes. No, lacking small weight sizes, I guess. Right. Double negative. I see.

You're not, not fat. You're eating tons of twigs and shit. There we go, yeah. Thanks, Charlie. I was struggling there. And you really threw me alive. I wasn't lacking for mint's pie. I was telling that much.

They were absolutely on tap. And I had my mouth to the tap. But yeah, he's kind of, he's found himself bored in a middle management job and he's the kind of person who even at school stuck out which is what you should be by the way you should be if you're in middle management

and you think I'm feeling but you should be it's a boring thing to choose to do and you should be ashamed but you know this is what was available at the time because I feel like a lot of ambitious people now what you go into like I don't know podcasting or fucking consultancy what do you do you do in historically

you don't go to podcasting you start filming yourself in the gym and then you start hassling people to be a body cut exactly I'm fine I don't need your weird help would Cortez

be doing now though you know he's he'd be hosting a racist podcast yeah every day

every day's a gamble yeah he's a big gambler and if we were back then we'd probably be like we'd be getting on the ships

in what's going on there I would absolutely decimate tenoshitland do you know what I would do actually like their mint pies

no because the machika have got chocolate I was thinking about right yeah so when Cortez arrives is the first time

they discover chocolate So if I was there I'd be like Do you know what I'm staying here He went native Yeah I'd go native

And just eat He went native also He took up their religious And custom No he just He just sat By the larder I just stuffed my face

With fucking chocolate Yeah I'm an Aztec now Yeah Yeah yeah No I don't do any of the sacrifice shit I'm just mainly just stay here and just Yeah you guys enjoy yourself

Yeah Yeah absolutely stuff My face with chocolate Anyway we're getting ahead of ourselves Cortez is an ambitious man and he seeks his fortune in the new world which is what i guess all the as you say ambitious spaniards are doing at the turn of the 16th century and he arrives in hispaniola which is today the dominican republic i think um in 50 and 04 right um he then joins so because since columbus has arrived in

there the spain has started setting up kind of primitive colonies in the caribbean i guess is that what what's this is this caribbean columb Columbus has discovered has he discovered North America? Yeah, basically he came in and discovers like the Caribbean first. Right. And then he sort of potters about in the Gulf of Mexico. Right.

And then heads back. So I don't think they're fully aware. They wear Florida? Yeah, probably. Because Florida's much closer to Cuba than the Gulf of like Mexican land. Yeah, it's, you know, people, I've seen people Zorb there, like an Zorbble. What, from Cuba to Florida?

Yeah, yeah. Cubans are fleeing. You can Zorb your way. You can Zorb from... Stop the Zorbs. there's an invasion on our southern border of small Zorbs I mean to be fair

if refugees were arriving by Zorpe I think a lot of the country like well fairfax how have you done that do you know what you can stay if you can if you can stag do your way here yeah fair enough anyway so this is like 20 years after that

yeah so he's gone out there and there's primitive colonies there and there's the Hispaniola people is it what are they called the Tinos yeah who I guess I don't know, I don't even know if that, I think that's incredibly off

your racism today is actually incredibly off No, they're the indigenous Jamaicans Indigenous Jamaicans, the Tynos I remember from the Pirate series But that's before Earbrida Isn't it? They're much more like Tenokplugling

That's much more them Because Ebrada hasn't come along Did you just do a racist Aztec accent? Yeah Which no one else the fuck that was They're much close to that Hello, I'm from Tanoklaqqan The Tino people

people, yeah, they're the original inhabitants of Hispaniola. But I guess we need to reframe, because we've done the story where we've done the set up of the Aztecs, we need to try and imagine it from the perspective that you don't know any of these people exist. Yes. All they know is these couple of islands, they haven't mapped America, they don't know how big it is, and the Taino people, is it? Taino people, they're a lot more, far more primitive than the Aztecs, right?

Yeah. So the only assumption that people living here, it's like kind of almost hunter-gatherer kind of level. Uga-Buga. No. Are they Uga-Bugas? I think they've just gone past Uga-Buga. Because in the scale of man's evolution,

right. It's, um... There we go. It, what is it? Fish? Yeah. Fish. Goag-go-go-go-go-go-gog. Gorg.

Blok-blok. No, that's the very end. Well, it's a circle, isn't it? Yeah, it's a circle of life, isn't it? Because there's nothing more involved with a gay man is the most involved. humans there is in terms of like fashion income power earning potential culture right they're going to the opera and ship so game out at the top

and then fish at the bottom and both of them are just both of them up so you've got and then now this is the bit I don't get fish to monkeys what's that look like yeah what's the what's the connecting line of fish to monkeys what's the missing link between fish to monkeys is that like a really weird tribute about the boys to men See monkeys. Right.

Again, that sounds like a slur. Yeah. And then it gets to Uga-Buga-Buga, right? Yeah, so it's glugger-glugger, Oogga-Buga. Ke? That's then, that's Tyno. Then it's, I don't know, hello.

Yeah. And then it's on over again. And that's the circle of life. That's the circle of life. Hello, I'm Elizabeth Day, the creator and host of How to Fail. It's the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right. And what, if anything, we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better. Each week,

My guests share three failures, sparking intimate, thought-provoking and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices, sharing what they've learned through their failures. Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week. This is an Elizabeth Day in Sony Music Entertainment Original podcast. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts. So, anyway, quarter of the story really begins in 1511 on Cuba, Cuba, he cabron, where he joins... Diego Velazquez, who's, I guess, the governor of Cuba or the person who's control of the... Well, this is where they conquer Cuba, right?

He goes out and conques it, but he's effectively like the deputy governor, but the governor doesn't live on Cuba, so he's effectively the governor once he conques it. So I think with the expansionism of Spain at the moment as well, I think the Pope has recently done that decree where he splits the world and half and says everything... Split the pumperman too. He bust the bumblemen too. He bust the new world open and says basically anything east of like a line through the Atlantic

is Portuguese and anything worse is Spanish so that's given a sort of papal decree that Spain can basically do what they want but it needs to be

all done within the Spanish crown to the strict laws the king is trying to enforce to make sure people don't just go rogue where it's only done in the name of the Spanish crown the king has absolutely

no way of holding anyone accountable for what they're doing hundreds of thousands of miles away so Cuba is conquistador which we should talk about the conquistod

in general really well also this is not this you say that it's on the orders of the Spain but really it's bandits yeah I mean what's the phrase that someone uses armed entrepreneurs

yes is what they call the conquistadors historians now there's no kind of the communication's so slow you can sort of yeah and so when people talk about Spain conquering a land it's like it's rich

ambitious Spanish men yeah who do it sort of on their own esteem and then retroactively say this is for the king of Spain and these are really these are quite violent trained men but like in Spain

the conquisadors even Columbus this was coming historically off the back of the reconquista which was the kind of 700 year process of taking Spain back from the Moors from the Islamic empires so that kind of

energy yes is being applied to the new world the conquist because they reconquisted their own country basically yeah they took their country back exactly they took back control yeah um they made Spain lazy again. Yeah.

And then the main thing is that Cortez essentially becomes Velazquez's secretary. Right. So he's a pen pusher. Right. And so this is where the kind of people say, oh, he's kind of a mediocre, sort of probably quite bitter. He's got like a big cleavage and it's kind of like an 80s secretary, right? Yeah. He's being goofed by Velazquez, running around the desk.

Hey, come here. Hey. Hey. And the relationship sours when Velasquez learns that Cortez was sleeping with his sister-in-law. Because something we should bring up here is that Cortez is a absolute horn dog loves it he loves Tang

can't get it enough yeah you could really rewrite this whole period as Cortez's search for nooky

new nooky new nooky he'd run out a nooky in the old nooky yet to be tamed yeah new world nooky

so years later Velazquez sends Juan Juan de whatever the fuck that is Grijalva

Grialva Grialva Juan de Grialva he sends him west of Cuba because he reports finding gold and silver.

Now, they fucking love gold, it should be saying. And the reason they love gold so much is because that's the easiest thing to ship back and then melt down into coins and trinkets and things for women to fill their room with. Yes. We as men don't see it. You know, when we move into a house,

we just get a bed and a sofa and an Xbox. And then a girlfriend will come in and say, you need some stuff, you need some intangible things. You use some incense sticks, you need little pot, the little tea cup that you don't use for tea. you know, ceremonial, ornamental

dollar, bollocks. And this is what... This is what the Spanish women do with the gold. Right, right, right, right. Send back. So Juan de Grayalva finds gold,

and so Velazquez commissions Cortez to lead an expedition to find this gold. Across the Gulf of Mexico onto the Mexican mainland, the Meso-American mainland. And his orders are, explicit.

This is important. These are its fucking orders. Yeah. Only discovery and trade, No conquest, no war No fucking the natives And he knows what Cortez is like Yeah, sleep in your own bed every night

Spread Christianity Not Chlamydia, not legs And investigate the rumours Of people with huge ears Or the faces of dogs So there's some pretty wild rumours happening at this point The Cubans people in Cuba are hearing

That there's some mad Amazons with big ears and dog faces And Cortez is like, well, if there's man with the dog face I want to fuck him oh yeah she sounds gorgeous she sounds gorgeous what you see some of the dogs I've slept with so um as soon as cors has given this command he immediately starts acting like he's the big boss because he's been a secretary for too long and finally he's got his own thing finally he's got his own office his own desk and he's gone straight of wearing like the fucking crown on his head so originally the first thing he does is buy

a huge feathered hat gold medallion so I guess this in the 16th century this is what you know like this is garrish new money it's like rattle He's got like an affected limp and a pimp cane. Yeah, the cane and a big hat and a coat. And we just have a black velvet cloak with golden knots. And it's like you were promoted 10 minutes ago. How have you got this outfit already? I'm on my mother fucking.

He was literally a secretary and he was like, right, you can be in command of this ship and immediately. His head goes to his head. His head goes. He looks like Snoop diggy dog. And Velazquez, his jester, Savantes, warns. His jester. Yeah. right so warns him that Cortez would disobey his orders and Cortez so I guess just to work from a

fellow comic you know is that is that cruise ship kind of work going out to the new world to gesture yeah yeah yeah yeah we're going out for the big money thing you sold out your mainstream yeah he's got to work clean that's not real comedy man right right real comedy's talking about how George Bush is the biggest terrorist has ever lived um so uh anyway Cortez dismisses this whole savantez nonsense uh and savantes later actually joins Cortez on that expedition. But eventually, Valazquez starts to become suspicious

of Gortez's massive feathery hats. Yeah, there's something suspicious about this guy. Yeah, he's like, this guy that I've promoted suddenly just got to spend all his money on a massive hat and he came. And he removes him from the command. And so he basically takes him off the journey.

But Cortez goes, fuck that. I'm here for a New World Nookie. Yeah. Cortez is about to set sail for the New World Nookie and the gold. And Velazquez rushes to the harbor, shouting, Oh, is this my friend

that you are eating off and setting off in this way? Is this a good way to say go back to me? Cortez replies, forgive me, but these things have only been thought about some time

before they were ordered. What are now your orders? So he's running a Turkish restaurant, it seems. Water now, not an I orders. My friend, mixed grill, very good today, mixed grill, very fresh, of course.

Chili garlic. Chili garlic sauce. Anybody next place. Everything comes with too much bread. um velasquez is left speechless by this he's going fair enough he's all the fucking are you from and Cortez just sails

he goes fuck it I want some nooky let's go yeah he puts the pedal to the medal uh yeah it puts his foot down on the on the ore I don't know eat my sea and that date was the 18th of November a date that will go down in history

does it? I don't know um actually it's not no it's not even that No, it's actually not that important. So anyway, so on the 4th of March, so five months later. Damn. So it's five months at sea. I don't know what they're doing there.

They're playing thoggy biscuit. The Spaniards are playing their thoggy tariffo, whatever they call it. Well, pan contamart, but with... Pancumptomer. Pan cum to mart. Yeah. They'd land on... Cozumel Island

which is off the Yucatan Peninsula so they've been told they set up camp on this island off the Yucatan Peninsula and they've been told that there are two Christians

living on the mainland and so they send letters for them and one of them arrives Geronimo de Aguiliar Is Geronimo when you shout that when you jump off

a thing? It's not after him is it that's a different Geronimo because if that's a name that's like going like Martin Clive

Clive Clive Yeah. U.S. Army paratroopers who inspired by the 1939 film Geronimo used it as a cry of defiance and bravely before jumping out of airplanes. I think it would be funnier to shout Kevin as he jump out of the plane. Kevin! Kevin! As if

you're jumping up a plane looking for someone someone called Kevin. Kevin! Well, in that tone of voice are you got to be... Kevin! Kevin! Come back and come back here. You're looking for your dog. Fenton! He jumped out of the plane.

Anyway, so there are these two Christians that have gone sort of native. I don't know how the fuck this is a very kind of heart of darkness sort of vibe. Yeah, I don't know how the fuck they've got there but I guess they must have been

Well I think they One of them got shipwrecked didn't they? They got shipwrecked They both got shipwrecked Okay Like five years before this happened Right so

Geronimo Diagiar speaks Mayan He's learned it Which is very handy Myon is not Aztec or Nawatal Nauatna Watt to be going on here

Mines are further south They're more in the jungle region Close to Guatemala I feel And the Mayans are not on Nahuatl people. They're not.

But their civilization is we know much less about because the Spanish conquest is even more destructive. Get rid of that. Yeah. Stap that out. And there was a crazy Spanish

Christian priest who made sure to burn all remnants of mine civilization. Get rid of it. Get that gone. And that's why a lot of the kind of, I don't know, mystical ancient history

fantasies are all about the mines because we know so little about them. So there's so much mystery. Yeah, that film 2012. Or the Mayan calendar, right? Yeah. Just anyone who says the world's going to end, I just love that. I'm just amazed by those whole people.

Yeah. But we need to follow. There's this one Christian. We will do a patron episode on him as well. But this guy who kept predicting the end of the world, this big Christian. He had like, there was like millions of people listening to it. Harold Camping is his name. Yeah.

But it's more like, God, you're really putting a lot on the line. No, now it's this. Yeah. He's changing it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. We'll do a patron episode on him.

He's fucking awesome. Anyway, so Geronimo Diagiar. He speaks Mayan, which is not in a way. battle. That's important. He'd been shipwrecked and held hostage by cannibal Mayans, or Mayans, as they're called, and then escapes. And Aguilar's mother, on hearing her son had been captured by

cannibals, refuses to eat meat and becomes hysterical at the sight of frying pans. Lovely bit of detail there. Might be something else going on there, though. Yeah. She's going to have some other issues. Fucking mad. You can fry things that aren't meat. I guess that's the beginning of the sort of Spanish people

we know and love now. Hysterical at the site of frying pan. Hysterical women. Yeah. No, he's too big. So the other captive, as well as Geronimo, Gonzalo Guerrero, he'd gone full native. So he had like Mayan kids. He's probably, he's probably... He's got a wife, three kids.

He's settled down. He's got a mortgage. He's eating people. He's got a Volvo in the garage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bog standards. He's going to IKEA on weekends. Yeah, I just, you know, I think I've got what I want here, you know?

Yeah. But you know what? Life's pretty good. Yeah. It's like I saw the new Mission Impossible film at the weekend. Don't tell me I'm watching. I'm watching it tonight. Oh, fuck.

I'm not here. Don't tell me. I won't say anything, because it is... Are you into Mission Impossible? We're so into it. Right, it's up there. Good. I don't want to hear any more.

It's absolutely phenomenal. My dad said more happens before the opening credits than the entire works of Proust. I'd agree. I think Proust can suck my dick. I'd watch Mission Impossible, final reckoning over any of that Proust shit any day of the week.

Yeah, fuck that Proust. I don't even know what Proust. It's about time someone said it. Fuck Proust. Yeah. Firstly, who is he? I don't really know. He's boring.

He's a boring French fuck. No. dead reckoning sorry final reckoning dead reckoning part two whatever you want to call it is up there with fallout for me is the best yeah we watched fallout two nights ago oh I'm jealous it's brilliant it's the best anyway back to this old crummy ship

so these two Christians Guerrero and Aguilar Guerrero doesn't come back because he's happy he's got the Volvo he's got the kids yeah I'm settled guys do you know I'm here they fucking eat people yeah I'm eating ass I mean eating ass I don't mean rimming

I mean ass It's really good. Yeah. I guess, as you say, history is cyclical. And so eating ass is, you know, it's coming back into fashion now. Yes. But they're not eating ass. Well, Jen Zier like, oh, we're crazy.

We're eating ass. You're not like these fuckers. No, no. These vuckers are eating ass. Yeah. They're cooking it rare. Yeah, knife and fork. Yeah.

Come back to me when you're eating ass with a knife and fork, mate. In fact, I don't know if they have knives and forks. Yes, probably not. They're eating it with their hands. They're still eating with their hair. It's feral. They're pulling apart of the meat. It's like it's off the bone.

Off the boat. Well, yeah, is there an ass bone? We'll be off your pelvis. Coxics. It'd be like, we'll be like those food, those food Instagram guys who had the gloves. Oh, they'd go through like a brisket. And they'd get like a, the man with a spine,

and they'd just, just pulling the meat off. And then this fucking salt bay comes in. Just every day, isn't it, make mad, you wake up now, you turn your phone on. Just first thing you see it's just some fat guy with his lips going, just pulling meat apart. You're just in bed like, this is another day.

Yeah. Crazy. Just too fat. guy's looking at each anyway so um what about geronimo he's like great

some other some spaniards I'll get back with them and he then and it's very important because he speaks mine even though that's not no atle that's one link yeah that's one link in the chain

yeah so um the Spanish on the 22nd of March so a couple weeks later so they pick up Geronimo right so he's with them yeah they land in Tabasco and uh

is that Tabasca the same as modern day Tabasco area of Mexico yeah And are they making hot sauce at this point? Yeah, what's the hot sauce like? What's the hot sauce? Charlie, when was hot sauce invented? It was invented in 7,000 BC. Really? What the fuck?

It's older than anything. But then I guess you just put a pepper in some water. Yeah, I guess so. Simple hot sauce by grinding chili peppers with water and herbs, using it for flavoring medicine. So it was before civilization. It was before the first city. Fuck, yeah.

Fair enough. Mad that hot sauce was invented so much earlier than toilet paper. so Tabasco hot sauce is not till 1868 so this is pre pre hot sources around but Tabasco isn't yet it's not been commodified in the way also Tabasco hot sauce is is watery shit I'm a hot sauce connoisseur I make my own you're used to make your own isn't you? I make my own and I gave him spicy historical names really what like the second tower or whatever you know third rye right right right Dacow, that was more of a, that was more of a slog hit. Well, Dacow will actually destroy your ass.

Yeah, no, you're finished. You're finished, yeah, obliterated. Dacow would kill your appetite so that you'd be famished by the end of it. No, I'd, yeah, I had a whole operation going. What's your, do you any secret tips? Be in a very unhappy relationship and just find, find hobbies. This is when I got into cockfighting as well. I was making hot sauce.

I was gained, gained weight, really put it back on again. But four years where I was with, yeah, Yeah, last girlfriend before, my now wife. Yeah. I put the pounds back on. I was making hot sauce in the kitchen. I mean, it's very early to be getting into like a miserable marriage. Yeah.

It was very you to be in your 20s and be like kind of 40 years deep into a marriage. Cooking vinegar in the shed to make hot sauce. Yeah. And then giving it funny historical names. Yeah, no, I mean, it's a kind of, it's a kind of order. It would be like 27? You're my age. I was your age.

Yeah. Yeah. Were you unhappy throughout the relationship? But did it just happen over time? I think it happened over time Anyway, back to this So at first the locals were peaceful Then Cortez, this is very colonial, classic

Move that's done by most European colonists Read them the Requiremento, A Declaration of Spanish Sovereignty. This is the classic move. You arrive in the land you've never come to. You've got a big scroll saying, by the way, This is ours. Crazy.

If you want to dispute that, you need to write up appeal you've got you've got to go through proper local planning it's like going to a pub where there's like someone's got the best table and you're like

these are our pites we've got that this table's ours if you want to complain you have to go not to the publican to the head of the chain you have to write to Green King this is our pub

get off but if they didn't understand any single one of those words that you just said to you're speaking in Bantu and this declaration said God gave the world to the Pope

fair enough then the Pope gave the land to Spain, as we said, it split in half, which I guess logically tracks. Yes, yeah. God to Pope to Spain. Yeah. And then submit to Spanish rule and Christianity.

If you resist, you'll be killed or enslaved. And it'll be your own fault. Yeah. And it'll be your own bloody fault. Fair's fair. What are the locals say? Well, they say no. Right.

But I don't really know what if they, they don't speak Spanish. I think they said what? I guess they got a translator. Excuse me? Who the fuck are you? That's probably what they went. I don't even know what the Spanish were hoping. What the fuck's that?

Who are you? What the fuck's that? Because presumably they've got horses. If I was mine, I'd be going, it's like DJ Khalid. You know, what's that? And what's that? And what's that?

And what's that? And what's this? Yeah. I'll be doing that over everything. Because the Spanish have got 16 horses with them, right? And no one in the new world has seen a horse. Yeah. Because centuries earlier, they killed them all.

Yeah. So when he seized the Mayans, and Tabasco, he says, this is the Pope. of Spain, you'll submit, they're like, yeah, well, what the fuck are you on? What is that massive dog you're riding with this gorgeous hair? And again, this is around a similar

time, Richard the 3rd has wanted to fuck his horse. Yeah. So they're like, what the fuck is that gorgeous dog on? I want to fuck this gorgeous dog horse. The local said no and fought the Spanish at the Battle of Centla, but the Spanish had horses, guns and steals, so they want easily. This is quite a good hum actually, my own. Hum actually, because

our idea of the conquest of the new world is that you know the Spanish had guns and they didn't even have wheels actually the main weapon advantage they had the main technological advantage was steel because swords could absolutely polish people off and obsidian is rubbish obsidian is like yeah it's nonsense I mean obsidian probably was good if everyone else has a obsidian

yeah it's like this is brilliant again it's black as soon as it comes up against anything yeah and they have clubs and then what else do they have they're basically just chucking vases of rocks they're chucking rocks at people with with uh yeah They throw rocks and they have glass They're basically chucking a carafe of you Yeah

So the Spanish win easily And Cortez asks for gold They say Oh we don't have any But you want to see these fuckers Which could be them trying to Just move them on a bit Yeah because I guess what we need to get into

Really is that there are competing Like there's not all one people And part of the Aztecs is great undoing Is that they're sort of hated By a lot of other tribes Around the area And Corto is like It's like in the

aliens coming and saying and us helping to destroy the French. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Aliens land down. Aliens landed Palestine and they're like, well we don't have any gold but those fucking Jews next four do it. Right, right, right. They'll be like, all right, well, let's take them down. Yeah. Good luck. I mean, it's the ultimate divide and conquer story.

Aliens. Good luck taking them down. They've got the most advanced detection system, the world's known. Yeah, I guess it's like the Mayans, the discovery of the Mayans, it's like if aliens were landing over the Iron Dome and Israel just shot them out of the sky. Right.

Just obliterate. They're just, nope, done. Yeah. Oh, that was a separate civilization with a thousand nap. Get rid of it. Done. Next. Yeah.

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Build it right. Build it. Rona. Conditions apply, details in store and more offers at Rona.C.A. We sell buckets too. Right. So, um, the key, a key character we need to introduce is one of, this is what Dominic Sandbrook and his epic eight part, the rest of history series on the Aztecs, he calls this woman the most powerful, most important woman in history. Arguably, yeah.

Yeah. Um, which is like, you know, tallest dwarf. Straightest man in France. Yeah, straightest man in France. you know, how important can a woman really be? You know, I guess there's Emily in Pankhurst, there's that lot. Emily Maitless. Emily Maitless.

Pankhurst, Maitlis, and Melinche. She's in top three. Top three goats of women throughout history. Melinche is a slave girl who is given to Cortez as a peace offering after he conquens the Mayans at Tabasco. And she's been handed around all over the shot. And when I say girl, she's 10. 10? No. She's young. She's pretty young.

No, she's older. She's older. I think she's young. She's lived and extraordinary. Like, she's been all over the place because she's been the mistress of so many different tribes. I don't think that stops her from being 10. This is a pretty, this is a different time. It's a pretty, it's a different time. It's a, it's pre-me-2. The Overton window. The Overton window for paedophilia has shifted so far to the right, in my opinion.

Is that over the right is? Yeah. The right says that, the. But consent laws is like a libertarian disgrace. Right, right, right. The right is like, I should be free to decide who I fuck. And all this left wants the state to get involved in people's sex lives by putting up these red tape. She was 15 to 18 years old. Okay, fine.

But the reason why she can speak languages, because she can speak Mayan and Nawatul. Yes, this is the key thing. Because she's been sold to lots of different tribes, I think. Yeah. So she's a native Nahuatl speaker. And hell hath no fury like a woman scorned is sort of this story, right? Hell hath no woman like a girl sold into sex slavery. Yeah, exactly.

Because they treated her badly and she came back. She got her revenge, to be fair to her. Yes, she did. Melinche is a native no-wassal speaker, but the Aztecs captured her tribe and sold her into sex slavery to the Mayans. So she picks up Mayan, which then means that suddenly Cortez, who has met these, you know, these strange people

who eat everyone and fucking. each other and he's met these people, you know, it's similar to an alien encounter, but suddenly because of the Christian from the mainland, Geronimo, and... We! Because of Kevin! Kevin! Because of him.

And Melinche, he now has this chain of translation where he can speak to Aztex. Because he speaks to Geronimo, who could speak Spanish and Mayan. And then Geronimo speaks to Melinche, you could speak Mayan and Noatl. Yeah. But crucially, so she

She hates the Aztecs, which is crucial to this story. Yeah. She hates him because they sold her into slavery. Fair enough. But she's so good at languages, I guess. She's linguist. She's an amateur linguist, like myself. She's going, here, Brida.

Yeah. You're an accentist, right? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, what is the, the study of accents must be a, Charlie, what's the term for the impressionist, I guess. Dilelectologists. Dialectologist.

You're a dialectologist. I'm a dialectologist. Right. Me called dialectologist. That's just one of my dietic. That's my dissertation. He's left that. Whistled through,

I think the Wicket Keepers left that as well. I think I've absolutely sailed for four buys, I think. Now, Cortez has these two crucial components. He's in this alien land. He's meeting aliens, but he's able to talk to them through this chain of translation. And on 21st of April, they land near San Juan de Uliya Totonak,

which is near the Totonaks who are an Aztec tributary so they're part of the Aztec Empire Now are people They're now are people And they go along the coast And they get further inland Oh so they can still be on their boat

As they're moving inland That makes a lot of sense Right So they land near the Tottenac land And at this point I guess this is the first meeting between emissaries of the Aztec Empire

And they're getting a lot of mixed messages To DIA They keep getting people coming from Well they don't know what it is But the people are coming from Montezuma Tootclan are just arriving and giving them mixed messages

they're trying to work out who the fuck these people are it's so confusing for both sides really but Cortez just wants gold apparently Cortez says it's probably a bit of myth making but basically to try and get more gold than people give it to me he basically says I have a sickness

that can only be cured by gold we Spaniards know a sickness of the heart that only gold can cure so to DA who is Montezuma's MS3 he welcomes them with some gifts and they're quite, I think they're shiny gifts aren't they're like big shiny gold things

and Cortez gives him some beads which he could put around Yeah, so it's like a Middle Eastern taxi driver's chair basically Yeah Which have gone out of fashion since Uber's dominated the market And it's a shame Because I like taxi beads on the chair Anyway, so Montezuma gives him gold

I mean Montezuma's emissory gives Cortes gold And Cortes gives him some beans The beads that you put on the taxi driver's chair A chair and then a cap with a gold medal St George killing a dragon Not great to be honest No. And 2DIA sort of accepts them politely, although he's noted in the history books as having looked like he'd just been handed excrement. But again, we don't know what their attitude to poo was. Yeah. So he couldn't be like, oh, brilliant. Can I eat that? So Cortes asked today, do you, look, to do you have gold? And to do is, I can't say this fucking guy's name. To do it. To do dial. To dial. To dial. To dial. To dial. Not to dial. Not to dial. So he asked two dial if they got gold. He says, yes, I got fucking loads of it.

and then within a day and a half Montezuma receives the news and quote almost dies of fright because I imagine the news was these mad cunts with beards are rocked up and they've got these huge dogs these mad big dogs you think turkeys look weird

what the fuck are these fuckers have got massive cocks and the biggest cocks I've never seen and so this starts the journey the hallowed, fated journey of Cortez

to meeting, to Tenochtitlan and the meeting of Montezuma. And this is where Cortez starts to break the rules that he's been given. Because as if he said, he's been told,

trade, discovery, no fucking the natives. He's probably already fucked Melancho at this point. So he decides to go, listen, I'm staying here because there's loads of gold.

Yeah. This sounds sick. This city. This pumping. Mm-T. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a nightclub on a lake.

Yeah. Sounds fucking great. Yeah. I'm going to found a city on the beach, uh, which is called Veracruz. He found, who's it named? What's the Ferrar, because they normally, you always name it after yourself, right? Yeah. So who's Veracruz named after?

This means place the tree cross. Right. Okay. Because I mean, if you were like, um, a colonist and you were setting up, would it be Taylor Town? What would it be? Finlandia. Finlandia.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where mince pies grow on trees. You know, the Simpsons when Homer's running through Candyland

yeah yeah yeah that's that's me in Finlandia yeah and the reason he sets up Veracruz

and it's barely even a city it's like a fucking there's a couple of fucking chacks right and some tents

it's like a resort but he's setting it up and saying it's a city just because that now gives him legal well he holds

justification he finds a city then it found a city then it founds a council and then holds elections to whether he's in control

and in charge and they should just carry on exploring. Because he also trained as a lawyer, you have to remember, so he knows all of these things. He knows his tricks, yeah. All these things to jump through.

So he builds the city, which is still a... And also, because he's built this city now at Spanish territory. Now, if you do anything on Spanish territory, now it's an insult to the king,

yadi, yadi, I can do this. So he hears of a nearby settlement, Sempaula, which is ruled by... Jaquique Gordo. The fat chief. Right. Don't need to mention his weight.

Plus size, chief. Yeah. He shops at Giacomo, this boy. And he, yeah, Jackamo, which is another Azte town, you should say. T-J-L-A-M-O Lachamo

Shacamot Chacamo and Cortes convinces the fat chief to submit to Spain and rebel and the Spanish after this

they destroy all their idols they tell them to stop this sacrifice So this is where the Spanish see like what the fuck you do and they also say please stop bumming each other

because the boys are dressing as girls and they're selling their fake girl booties to each other Right, listen enough of this Enough

Lights on No out of there. Stop bumming him. Yeah. Stop killing him. It's a boarding master going into a boys' boarding house and breaking up the soggy biscuit and the sodomy.

The thuggy biscuit. The foggy biscuit. The Aztecs did use casual anal sex for pleasure. Casual. I think anal sex is rarely casual. For me, it's an intensely formalised process. There's a whole structure of legal speak around the situation. Yeah, I guess casual is it sort of like,

I guess for me it's maybe it's smart. casual anal it's sort of like there's a blend you know it's not like it's not a wine shirt and flip flops is it no they're naked from the waist down and then it's a tuxet open the waist up both parties

um I think casual anal is a sort of is a what's the word oxymoron because there has to be a formal process to get rid of the poo well depends what your view on poo on your dick is like

yeah but I would I would argue we don't want that right we don't want pool of the dick how casual is this person well this is what I mean casual is like Charlie's had his hand up for about 10 minutes what do you want to say

you need to just have like a freight you need a framework where you know you acknowledge the poo so I here we go acknowledge the poo it's like the Aztecs reading out it's like the Spanish is reading out of recruitment

he's had his nose put out of a joint because we've got someone who can look stuff up and now he's like feeling finally confident on something that he's an expert in yeah so basically I had a thing where you'd be like is it okay

is it okay is a code word for is there any poo and I would I was What a great code word that is And then you say Is it okay is okay And you keep asking that And then is it okay And then eventually it's not okay

Because there is poo And that's how you know That's really like weird though Is it okay? Sorry sorry Is it okay So but who is it okay Who is telling the other one

Where there's poo Is it the receiver or the giver? The giver What so the givers You got no idea You're there like that And therefore or if it's not okay,

how do you know? Is it okay? Do you feel a poo coming out? No. Do you feel a poo going towards the dick in the same way the Aztecs were going towards the Spanish? I don't think so.

I don't think a pellet can just fall out. Right. Fall out. How much loose, how much space is there in this channel? It depends, really. Is it okay? It's not okay.

Hasn't that what the last leg do? Hashtag is it okay? Is it okay? Is it okay? Is it okay? Is it okay? It's not okay. shit flying out.

I'd say, it's not okay. My co-word would be Houston, we have a problem. There's a poo in the... I'll be like, oh, you disgav!

My God would be, oh, you filthy animal. Shit, that is fucking disgusting. That'd be my co-word. Gross. What the fuck. You just shatter my cock. So anyway,

the Spaniards say, please stop doing this. And they now go from... Spanish would lecture every town about stopping buggery. Why are you gay? Why are you gay? Why are you gay?

Why are you gay? Why are you gay? You are transgender. Anyway, what we need to get to, we need to wrap this episode up. What Cortez does, right, is he, now this is the key thing. He scuttles the ships, meaning... He drags them ashore?

He drags them ashore, which means that they can't get back. No one can now go back to Velazquez in Cuba. Yeah. So he has officially... gone, I'm in charge fuck for Lasquez's orders, we are beached. He's going for it. We're going for it. I want to see, I want to see what the fuck's going on

in there. Yeah. I've only got gold. I've only got boys. Yeah. I want to get in there. Yeah. So now the Spanish troops who were kind of like what on earth this cunt doing. Right. Now they've got to follow them because they can't get home. Everyone's stranded. Where we want to wrap this episode up is with

this nearby tribe the Cortez hears of called the Slash Carlins. Yes. and they fucking hate the Aztex. So they're one of the tribes that has been fucked over by the Aztecs, one of the many tribes, but they've had it pretty much the worst.

They're the ones that are getting sacrificed a lot. A lot. And then they also have forced to take part in the flower wars, which is like some sort of like sick fucking gain they get where they kidnap people and make them do kind of gladiatorial sort of stuff.

It's kind of like a less deadly war, but the important thing is that the Slash Carlin are like one of the few tribes I guess who haven't been conquered by the Aztecs but they have this like yearly war where they fight

So they have a ritualistic war ritualistic war Yeah Right so it's sort of like the ashes kind of Yes it's the ashes Right But they don't enjoy it It's a slash there's clashes carlins

Yeah But who is it is it sort of like wrestling where it's predetermined Yeah like half choreograph But they know neither side Is like we're gonna win They know it's gonna be a stalemate at the end it's basically just like a ploy especially the Aztecs to capture loads of man.

Yeah, because they need the men to sacrifice, which you dealt with in the last episode, they need the men to sacrifice for the son to come up and down. Yes, yeah, yeah. Anyway, Cortez hears of this tribe and he sets off to win them over, beginning his great march towards the Aztec's capital, the savage urban centre of Tenochtitland. Now, the rest of this story, the rest of this series is all on our patron already. If you can't wait till next week,

to find out where it's going. You lucky, lucky piggy. You lucky pigs. There's no human sacrifice on this patron. Yep. What are the patrons? Maybe, I think we're pretty generous with how cheap the patron is in many ways.

I think, to be honest, if the quality of the content stays as good as it has been on the Patreon behind the paywall, maybe we should demand a human sacrifice a month to keep the Patreon going. One Patreon a month. Would you like to be sacrificed?

We will live stream. Live stream a sacrifice. right now. I'd have to check with Patreon whether that is in breach of their rules. It feels it feels a bit anti. If we go, if we chop someone's head off and then put them down stealth in thought park. Yep. Or tied away.

Or tidal away. Wee. Yeah. Geronimo. Jeremy. Anyway, join the patron for the rest of the series and we will see you next week for the continuation of our Aztec series. Adios. I'm going to be able to be.