Fin vs History - The birth of Democracy and Platonic Bum Stuff | The Golden Age of Athens (Part 1)

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

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Hello, welcome to Finn versus History. I'm here with the ratio of goals and, um... Sorry. So I'd list back to the other episodes and I always just say hello and I'd want to see what came out. And I regret making that noise. What came out? I just went, oh! I don't know what that noise is trying to employ.

Is you imply I hear under duress that I'm sort of timid but also sort of one of your your podcast slave? Oh! Yeah. Oh. I like the idea that people are listening

and don't watch and have no idea what you look like. Yeah. But then the thing is that... I look like a lot of people. When they see your face, they'll think, oh yeah, that noise. Yeah.

That noise makes sense. Oh! You've got quite an oh oh oh, face. When they hear your Chinese accent and see your face, they're like, yeah, that makes sense. It's that kind of white guy. Yeah, that's that guy.

Of course he started... I went to school with that guy. He started a podcast where he can just do Chinese accents For academia But welcome back to another episode Thank you for supporting Finn versus History This is the Golden Age of Athens, Greece The Golden Age of Athens

Greece who I feel of all the countries Greece has been hit by you the most probably It's probably your most common stereotype Is a Greek man asleep in a plastic chair That is probably the most You go back to that the most It's a form of racial stereotyping I don't feel it's been said enough by other people

and I as a sort of messiah complex feel that I have to address it On your Fred again soundboard of racist stereotypes The Greek one, like it's worn off Not today It's completely worn from the other ones It's breaking that the plastic's wearing away It's the W on your keyboards

And you always don't WWWWWW Not today, not today, not today I go sleepy, good night You almost have a sort of, yeah, there's a sort of psychological obsession with the Greeks. I'd say it's probably a bordering on split personality at this point. There's me and then there's, I go to sleep, I'm not ready to work. But you say this and also we've done a lot of clips being racist to the Greeks. Luckily, because they're all so lazy and we haven't had much backlash.

No, but it's been a couple of weeks, so they're probably waking up now. I'm too tired to comment. I have a quick nap and then I go. But isn't Greece your favorite country in many ways? The best place to go for holiday. I genuinely I say this with love It's the best holiday destination

Yeah But you know how It's the opposite to you right The Greeks Yeah but that's why you want to break From your head Couldn't have said it better myself I go to Greece to shut down

But what's fun And everyone else does as well What's funny is Is that when they try and Try and claim That they're a country That isn't essentially Everyone's pillow

Right That's what Greece is To Protestants white protestants which is the default as that we're factory settings reset in our heads we're the factory settings hard reset finger on the ass finger in the mouth you get this

turn it off turn it on again hello that's me that's me and you right yeah before before you've personalized it we're the un-customised default setting when you're building a sim we're before you started moving the eyes around and stuff

we're in a suit we just hello hi there Hello. And then you, and then after, you play your first sim with this, and then you go, well,

fucking let's make him a bit more interesting. Let's put him in a sombrero or something. We just didn't get customized at all. We're just sitting on a sofa in a suit. That's how we're, but we feel comfortable this way. Think of, think of how many people

start podcasts where they, oh, it's great, I just wear what I want. We're genuinely dressing up to do this because we feel comfortable and we don't have to make a decision. Finally.

But you've gone holiday to Greece, that's your favorite. You're a holiday destination. I love, yes, love going to Greece. I love everything about there for a week. I definitely could not. I think if I lived there, I'd go insane. Yeah.

Because there's just, you know, they operate on Greek time. Right. So, which is not today. That's Greek time. When's the bus? Not today. I don't know. I don't feel like bus today.

Wait, do you mean when you're at the bus stop and there's the ticker? Yeah. And how long it's coming. It just says not today. But he said that's every day The number 91 You go, oh, not today And then you go on city mapper

And it's just not today And it's like, you know how it says issues I don't know But one thing I definitely know Is it not today And you go tomorrow? I don't know Who can say?

Tomorrow new day. Mugick, tomorrow comes, not today. There's nothing more. The whole country You know when you go on holiday And you've hired a car Do you drive? No, you don't know

You can drive. No. Oh, he doesn't drive. I'm waiting for the bus. That's serious. That's that noise. What's that supposed to imply? Are you saying that I'm sort of looking at bus timetables, I'm a window licker?

No, no, no. I'm saying you're too, you read too much to learn how to drive. That's what I'm saying. Someone looks at you, goes, that guys can't drive. Yeah, it's true. I'm terrified to get behind a wheel. I will kill a small family, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So there's no, you've gone holiday, you are, you're, you've hired a car, and you are in the shuttle bus to take you from the terminal to the car and you could walk it in 15 minutes but you can't you're not allowed to because it's whatever it's an airport airport and so you

but you're ready to go the whole bus is full and there is a fat Mediterranean man behind the wheel just sat and it's just so warm wherever it's so warm everyone's sweating and he's just sat there

the thing is the amazing thing is he's not even on his phone he's not reading a paper he is the you know he's just staring out a window. I mean, this is, I think, my point is that I think no one has more robust mental health than the Greeks, because they can just sit

and they're all like Buddhists, really. We're like brain-rotted in a way, because you have to constantly be having things. What's the next thing? I have three versions of pornography all at the same time while I'm also, you know, on the phone to my mom, it's complicated. It's a lot going on. Whereas they are just at one

with nothing. And you're on the, you're like, you're ready for your holiday to start. It's been a stressful journey. you've been on the plane that's a bit yucky whatever you're like right last bit we still got to drive to the place last bit of bullshit before we can take things in our own hands and just drive yeah and that you are being essentially stopped from doing anything by a man just sat inactive and it's like where do I turn you on do I have to shove a finger up they're not off they're on standby mode right they're always on standby mode the Greeks the Greek are just buffering

wheels and that's that's what the whole country is but I think there's a there's a level of jealousy there in in some way or envy totally Because I have a lot of envy for Mediterranean taxi drivers. Whenever I'm in Greece or Turkey, there's just something about that world for some reason. The confidence to approach women with this sort of flagrant disregard. Yeah, they're kind of fat, balding and just very confident in their, you know, shouting about politics, you know. Because people who look like that in Britain, they don't talk to women because they see themselves in the mirror and they go, well, there's no, I shouldn't be saying anything. But he's just yelling out the window.

He thinks he's an Adonis. That's what's crazy. All he's got is the tiny cock, and he's like, you have to have something else. It's not just, you have to have other stock. Pretty lady. Come see how small my cock is. Pretty lady. Smallest cock you'll see the day.

Yeah, the Overton window has changed on the cock front, my friend. But then you look at Greek statues. Yeah. And tiny cocks are clearly, they're a status symbol in Greece. But they used to be, yeah. It used to be barbaric to have a massive, massive johns. I still think it's incredibly vulgar. I think it's vulgar.

I think it's an insult. I think it should be class as an offensive weapon. I think you have to get a license. You have to go through the proper channels. It's not illegal to have one, but you have to make sure that we, that like the government knows that you've got it. It's like, farmers and guns. Yeah.

It's like you have to have a license to carry something that big, I think, on all time. Well, it's industrial machinery, isn't it? Some of them. Some of the ones I've seen. Like a combine harvester. You need to be properly trained. You can't just walk around. You got to remember a walk around driving a combine harvester in South London.

I was in Zanty when I was 19, which is a Greek island. And on the boat, it said, please do not use this if you're not properly trained. And so this Greek guy called Nicos, I was aware with five other 19-year-olds. There was a speed boat. Default setting 19-year-olds. Yeah, of course. Yeah, you couldn't tell us apart. And it was five 19-year-olds left on a speedboat, right?

And we thought when we taught how to use it, and it said, do not use it unless you're properly trained. Nikos went forward. all right he just said forward you don't need back because you just go in a circle like my son has got a remote control car

and he's too young to have one really because he doesn't have the dexterity but there's a remote control car for 18 month olds which is one button which is forward and the other one which is like turn three point turn

right so if you want to change direction you have to go like that every time that's a boat isn't it that's all you need you can't reverse in a boat really yeah anyway The whole point is that we're doing the Golden Age of Athens

Well are we doing where they did so much stuff that they slept forever Yes, this is the big thing they did as a country Well, golden age is relative, isn't it? I'd say nowadays it's a golden age of Athens If you are someone who sells shit plastic shirts Because that's all anyone does Yeah, I guess so, golden age is in the eye of but the beholder, right? Yes, if you are

This is what we is the default setting, people who work and have ambition to get off the chair this is what we think of almost the golden age of Athens we define it as that because we pull yourself up by your sandal straps this is where people actually did stuff and worked and invented things yeah and then they got a bit hot and had a nap for two thousand years not today that's what they said but this is if you can't remember this is Greece when it was today we'll do it today this is this is we do it right now we'll do it right now and what's amazing is that they you just cannot see that anywhere

that today that's just ruins now yeah in Greece But it's a different people's, I think Because you look at the statues They're not the same people They've got small dicks They've got small dicks It's a different type of person Yeah

But beneath No arms either Belief that he's incredible Yeah They should have bigger dicks Because they're out They're getting It's amazing much

They achieve with no arms I know amazing Things they built Exactly Disabled icons The lot of them Yeah But yeah

In the shadow Of a six foot three Adonis With a tiny cock But incredibly ripped You can just say Adonis I think small cocks are I call men who have small cocks

Adonis. That's what I do. Oh, the gentleman's The gentleman's adonis. Yeah, it's a high class. Anything bigger than an inch and a half is Yeah, vulgar. Do you know what? Common. Do you know what it is about a big cock? It insists upon itself. Do you know what I mean? Yes. It doesn't knock before entry. Doesn't ring the doorbell.

It's flashy. Just comes to the letterbox on willy-nilly. Yeah, but it's like one of those big, like a yellow It's like a Hummer limo, right? Yeah. Long, it's bouncing. It's got ten screaming women in the back. Yeah.

It's a Hindu. It's a Hendoo stretch limo. I think a small cock is old money, wouldn't you say? Totally. Refined. You can get a penis extension, but you cannot get class. You can't... And for us, Clots is a microbeam.

Tiny dicks. It's classy. Yeah. It's a blood that you can't even, you can't even functionally have sex. It's so small. well i mean i want to say that i think i think is it in yet oh yeah no it is yeah yeah well just take my word for it because it's yeah it means the woman is having to trust you is also yeah it rewards uh more presence in the act

because you're going oh is it in yet oh it is and you think oh i'm actually i'm into i'm i'm thinking about this well it's actually more about a question of faith or like a more spiritual question how small is your dick but it's more when the woman you take your salad down is it in there she all have known way of knowing

because that's how small it is it's unknowable it's unknowable and she has to take me my me saying it is she has to take the faith of it the word of God

the word of God so this is the golden age of small dick it's golden age of Athens which is Athens and this is when it gets this is our first foray into the ancient world

really the world you sort of long for and you feel more comfortable in. Yeah, I do. For me, it's kind of the 19th century. Scramble for Africa. Just say it. Accents are fine. Just say it. Accents of fine. The Nazis. Hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no, no. 19th century.

Right. Nazis have got two bigger cocks for me. It's actually. Victorian small ducks. Vulga. Vulgar. So this is where it gets slightly confusing for the dumdums listening because this time is going backwards. Yes. Towards Christ. Which is the default setting. We're hurtling towards Christ. A second plane has hit.

Christ. Yeah. Year zero is for the default setting such as ourselves. That's Christ. This is before Christ, but after bucket, right? We're still after bucket.

So let's set this in context. The Golden Age of Athens is 480 BC, but that's earlier than sort of 430 BC. Right. Because time is going backwards. Yes. Because it's ancient history. It's a Christopher Nolan film.

It's pre-Christianity. Right. This is exactly it. This is it. This is tenant. Yeah. And I've not seen. it and you can't hear what anyone's saying you can't see what anyone's saying the score is overpowering

michael can't's there but i don't know why he's there makes no sense at all this is christopher no one film so it's after bucket yeah it's before uh yeah it's before inception it's before tenant before no one really got going um and as someone who is yeah so you ancient Greece is this many it's seen of as like the first in quote civilized civilization no because you probably said the Egyptians right well this is what I was going to say there's Egyptians who invented the bucket yeah they did we're a big fan of typing in who invented this a lot of this podcast is who invented that and it's often the Egyptians it is often the Egyptians yeah on the scoreboard they get a lot of things can we find something they didn't invent yeah because also you could a lot of things

you could use a bucket for yeah so technically did the Egyptians invent the toilet. I bet, you know, apparently they, yeah, I imagine they invented the pocket pussy. Like some version of a small bucket. Exactly. The fuck it, bucket. Charlie, who invented the pocket pussy? I'm going to say it's a man. I think it was Mary Curie as one of her side inventions. Yeah, but it's the cancer one that stuck.

Life has been good to Shubin, especially since he invented the fleshlight, the world's most successful sex toy for men. Let's find out of Shubin. was he from ancient Egypt This title is from the Austin Chronicle and it's called Pressing the Flesh I doubt he was Egyptian So my point is though

Is that ancient Greece NAPD cop turned sex toy mogul Austin, all right, is American Wow, Steve Shubin Steve Shubin Into the fleshlight Yeah, invented it Paul Blot, I mean look at him

Look at this guy He looks like a sort of pre-me-to Colonel Sander Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks a bit Australian. Yeah. I wouldn't get in a... I wouldn't like to be as receptionist.

No. No. But we're not talking about the... This isn't the history of the fleshlight, much as I'd like it to be. It's about the ancient Greeks. Are we done 15 minutes? We haven't said one interesting thing yet.

Yes, we have. Yes, we have. No, maybe you're right, actually. Athens. This is maybe our least informative opening so far, actually. So what I was going to ask, Go on. So ancient Greece is seen as the cradle of what we...

Cradle of West civilization. A lot of how long-standing a lot of their inventions are today and how much we still use them. And you could sort of maybe... But people see it view it as quite often racist people are trying to bring it up. That is the cradle of Western civilization. But I don't know.

Because there are Egyptians and then before that, Sumerians? Yeah. There's a lot of other ones, actually. The Sumerians are in Mesopotamia, I believe. Which is the Fertile Crescent. Yes. which was for some reason, even though it's completely barren now, right at the beginning of civilization,

which is like, I guess, 3,000, 4,000 BC when people started, like, really doing shit. It seemed like there was just one tiny bit in Iraq where there was like 30 types of crops as opposed to four. Right. But now there's none, so I don't really understand that. So basically, Iraq and Greece,

if you went hard in the BCs, you're now fucked. That's the kind of... Yeah, and Saddam tried to get Iraq to wake up and start working. Don't tell me with Saddam's, that would be another. episode. Saddam is all I'm here for. Don't tempt me with Saddam. When you get a non-sleepy Middle Eastern Mediterranean,

it's carnage. It's carnage. Yeah, that's the rule. If you get a boss man who's not sat in the chair, people are dying. Yeah, exactly. It's terrifying. So, okay, so ancient Greece, and the golden age of Athens, which scholars, such as ourselves, tend to date at the start of the, is it 5th century, BC? which is for the 400s. Remember, this is two and a half thousand years after the pyramid,

so there's still been a lot of shit going on. That's crazy. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future

with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLR.com and ask your family eye care professional for Esselor Stelis lenses at your child's next visit. We like, because if we, we, uh, condense it into a lot of time, this is a lot of the things that we take for granted now. But there's, there's been lots of shit. So do you reckon, the Mnowans are the earliest Greek civilization,

which are on the island of Crete. They're like 3,000, 2,500 BC. They're like the earliest European settlements. And they got destroyed by a big flood. And they're potentially Atlantis is what people say. That's what potentially the myth of Atlantis. comes from the Minoans who were like an early great civilization who got knocked out by a giant flood.

Right. So you've got the ancient Greece, before that Mesopotam, Mesopotamia, Sumerians, before that Neanderthals basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the thing is we're now, time moves like AI two years ago is not what it was today. And we're making huge jumps that are hard for the human brain to even comprehend. end in the space of two years in the space of two years yeah but time's very different now no because

i think even going back before civilization a million years maybe you're you're like the difference is maybe they've invented a belt yes you know what i mean like that's you're saying the belt came before the bucket but probably not actually that that's very that's mad so do you think in 2000 years time they will group uh like this podcast hitler and stonehenge will just be the same i don't know I don't know if they'll, if history is just being much more densely packed. There'll be these clips on, on their version of TikTok were like, did you know that Stonehenge is older to Hitler than it is to us now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Film has the history was close to Hitler than it is to us. Yeah, and we'd be like, what? They're so similar. So this is for, they typically, the golden age of Athens, which as we've said, now all the days it's a golden age if you make shit plastic chairs. but what we would deem the Golden Age of Athens starts 480 BC which is the

tail end of the Persian War Yeah, the Greco-Persian War Who are the Persians? Persians are big daddies And to be honest, they don't get... Carpets. Yeah, I guess so. But I mean, this is beginning of carpets.

They are starting to remove their back hair and make it into carpets. Everything that we... A lot of the kind of vibes of the Middle East, the beautiful architecture, the carpets, all those styles, are sort of the goat of those civilizations.

That's kind of the beginning of that shit. Yeah. All comes, the domes, all of that sort of, you know, that kind of, how you imagine, your racist imagining them at least. Yes. I think, now he's listening. Yeah, sorry, I fell asleep for a minute there. Sorry.

I'm awake again. Yeah, here we go. That comes from the Persians. And we, I don't think we learn enough about the Persians. Spices. Spices. Whatever you're thinking, that comes from the Persians, probably. Actually, I had Sunday lunch yesterday with friends, and they're because we have,

they both have two toddlers as well and they just spilled the total of just spilt cumin all over the table right it was actually really interfering with the apple crumble we were eating

just amazingly but it was quite funny we were saying this is like this is what people used to do just spill spices and go look how wealthy I am with Qas

just pour spice all over the table and go I don't give a shit about this because like pepper was worth more than gold and stuff yeah so this is but this is west they're basically buying stuff with spice is my point

right yeah probably yeah but I'm saying even further about for like 2,500 years Persians were kind of number one empire in the world but we don't really learn about it because they're always seen as

they're either fighting the Romans who we sort of view ourselves as in the West or the Greeks. The Greeks are before the Romans Yes. Yes, of course. But Persians stay consistent and are fighting people throughout. Angry carpet boys. Angry carpet boys, but the first angry carpet boys.

The first angry carpet boys. So the Persians are fighting the Greeks. They invaded Greece. and Athens Now Greece again We should It's broken up into city states City states

So like the Vatican Yes So there's 12 Vatican Yeah I guess like Like was it Not Lichten's What's the European one

Luxembourg It's like Luxembourg Right That's a city state Isn't it? No No there's Andorra There's Luxembourg

There's Liechtenstein Yeah Monaco Yes Monaco I think Luxembourg is it would be a city. No, it's a country.

Okay, just a very small. I mean, it's a very bad shit country. I mean, if you're like, if you're looking at Belgium going, wow, that's massive, you fucked. I could never go to Belgium. I wish I had such distinct cultural identity as Belgium. Yeah, you've got nothing going on. Look at those Belgians. I'm dating a Belgian boy.

Wow. I think it's hard to start fascism in a country like Luxembourg because it's hard to know what to even grab onto. It's like, what flags are we doing? What's our thing? thing like no one knows who we even are who cares are we French I don't know either what do we speak who cares you can't get

a goose stepping soldiers marching on the idea that we kind of like the French that's not no you've got to be distinctly someone you know you've got to be German so there's a lot of city states right there's Sparta there's Corinth there's Athens and they're all broken up

but they've all come together the Hellenistic kingdom They're all being invaded by... The Persians, who are trying to expand their empire. And then the Persians get beaten at one of the biggest battles in antiquity. Salami. Salami. The battle of the salami.

Hide the salami. Because that was warfare in the ancient times. It was a game called hide the salami. Hide the salami. Can we get out Battle of Salamis? Oh, that's there. It's right in front of us. A pivotal naval battle.

Yeah. So what are the ships like at this point? They're, what are they called? They're, they're, they're called something. Big floaty things. Big floaty things. Ancient boats, they're like, they're long boats, but they're being rowed, right? They're long row boats.

So like the kind of thing you'd see in the boat race. Yeah, but massive, yeah, Tremere's, Tremier's. They're like that. Long, narrow, ore-powered warships with three levels of rowers. Yeah. Three levels. As in like a multi-story. Yeah, it's like a double-decker bus.

The oars at the top are longer than the oars at the bottom. I imagine so. Wow. So, yeah, I mean, it is, I don't know what the sale, I don't know what the sale's doing at this point. I think this is pre-sale. This might be pre-sale. I think they've got a sale.

They've got a must, there's no sale on it. But they haven't really worked out what that is. I think, I think they couldn't get someone who's awake long enough to get up there to hang it. I think that's probably the issue. But yeah, they beat the Persian at salamis. They hired the salami successfully long enough. The Persians can't find it.

They, they are, Athens play like a key role in this I think they're like a reinforcement who come in, save the day fuck up Persia and this starts the golden age of Athens because of the kind of cultural confidence it gives the kind of relative peace

it brings They form the Deelian League which is where all the city states It's like the EU Yes they form an early version of the EU Except they're all Greece I don't know how the fuck they managed it Given that the EU is essentially subsidising

Greek men to sit on chairs That's what the EU is Like in Greece you can't You can't use the toilet Have you tried to use a toilet Oh my God I can't believe We're nearly half an hour in And I've not ranted

About the fucking buckets The poo bins in Greece Are you wearing the poo bins Do you know I heard about this? Oh my god Right If you You can't flush

A toilet paper down there You can't flush shit down Greek toilet Their sewage system Cannot handle poo Yeah Now what I would say is Why have you built

to sewage system that can't handle poo. Okay? You're not a sanitation expert, but I feel... I'm far from it, but what I do know is that I don't just want loose poo above ground in the streets. Yeah, that's sanitation 101, isn't it? I'd say that's day one of being a sanitation expert.

Where's loose poo going? Underground. Underground. Not in here. Not in here. I don't care. Not where anyone can. honest, my, my big thing with sanitation is out of sight, out of mind.

There's the big saying, again, that's the motto of sanitation, out of sight, out of mind. Put the poo wherever you want, as long as it's nowhere near me. We're building a civilisation, right? There's the poo guy. My thing to him is, to be honest, can you sort this out? I actually don't want to think about this. I'm going to delegate. Yeah, I'd rather, I don't care what you do with it.

I don't care who you kill. I just don't want to see it. Get it out all the way. And in Greece, he came back holding all of the shit, say, where's the food? where I put this. I don't want to think about it. That's your job. Stavros. How many times? Do you have a spare room that I could put this in? Yeah. And then they went, fuck it.

Let's just put it in this office waste paper bin. So every toilet in Greece, right? You have a little pedal bin next to it. Small, not big bin. Smaller than the actual toilet, right? And the toilet, you piss in and you poo in. But then

when you wipe, you put your dirty bum tissues in an office in an office bin which barely ever gets changed which doesn't get changed so essentially I mean pray for Greek cleaners

and the dichotomy of Greece being one of the most romantic destinations to the world and no matter how romantic a holiday you're having if you're sharing a toilet there's still going to be

a mountain of shitty tears yeah if you're going in Greece and your honeymoon you're kind of fast-tracking marriage yeah it's brilliant until that's one thing that's kind of impossible to overcome. Is this a rural problem or is it?

No, no, no, no. I mean, in nice hotels in Athens, they've sort of out. No, no, no, no. The top of the shard in Athens has a poo bin. This is a city to the country problem. To them. The guy sat on top, really soaking up some rays. He's the king of Greece.

He's the king of Greece. He's the king of Greece. We should have said the king of Greece sits on top in the highest building in a chair, selling himself. Pooing. And then wiping his bum and putting it in an office. Do you know what it is? If they'd had the fucking gumption to invent a thing

to put the bum tissue in, I wouldn't be so annoyed. The fact that it's literally something you can get from fucking staples. It's an office binned. I'm just, I'm like, come on, guys. All right. Well, I'm not considered to have a widespread poop problem

in the sense of a major sanitation issue. Greece can occasionally experience issues with toilet facilities and older builders. That's not true. Particularly with potential for clog pipes. This is AI overview. I think it doesn't know what's going It doesn't want to be racist

Fair enough to You've got to go there You've got to go there And see the issues You've got to be like Bourdain You know Part's unknown Poop's unknown

Right Right Right Let's try and let's try and do some Halfway through We have not said One interesting thing No we have

The Dealian League Which is a league of people That put Put tissue in office pins Right It's like a poo The EU. Yeah.

Right. The Dealing League forms in 478. Yeah. Athens becomes the dominant naval power in the Mediterranean because they've got the port, Pereus, which is a bit of a toilet. I think that's where they're putting the poo at the moment. Pereus is where you stay before you then get a boat out to the island. I say that's what I do.

We go to Greek islands. What? You stay at Braus. Hey, Pereus is the port of Athens. Oh, so you actually stay there? Yeah, yeah. That's where you stay before you get a boat out to. Is it nice?

Huh? Is it nice, bro? No, it's a toilet. Okay. But it's a toilet that you, on the way to beautiful Greek islands. Right. So Athens, the, the reason for Athens, the so-called Golden Age, we haven't, you know what? We haven't even said what they invent.

And we're half-hour in. And they invent pretty much everything. We've said what they don't invent, which is a toilet, a vestible to put pooey, bum paper in. Athens invents in this period, so-called. democracy, theatre, philosophy. I mean, comedy, within theatre, that is. But it's not funny, is it? What?

It's a Greek comedy, you're not laughing. Okay, all right, yeah. I mean, what's some of the plots of a Greek comedy? Can you look up Greek comedies? So, but the point I'm making is that it's because they have the strong naval power, which I guess is maybe why Britain becomes the empires. Whoever bosses the seas tends to have the most kind of technological advancements. Right.

So they boss the seas, they see off the Persians, and then they have the security for all this stuff to happen. So there's a Greek, an ancient Greek comedy called The Frogs. Let's see how funny it is. Aristophanes, he's like the goat of comedy, to be honest. He invents comedy Aristophanes, basically. He's like Richard Pryor. Yeah.

Right. And let's see the plot of the frogs. Well, yeah, you can draw a line between this and Aristophanes. So you've got to pay the respect to your own. Dionysus, who, she's the god of wine or having a good time. he's a big guy yeah he's the god of wine and drinking and having a good time so he's traveling with his slave now that is something we should that is funny but it's something we should talk about is that they meant democracy but it's democracy as we would understand it a hundred years ago yeah

in that there's no women and no no blacks no jews no irish yeah it's democracy for 40 white guys yeah yeah yeah yeah it's democracy yeah it's democracy for a bridge club basically yeah it's keeping the boys together. So Dionysus is travelling with his slave to the underworld and the slave is carrying Dionysus baggage and he attempts to make fun

of his heavy load with toilet humour. Do you know what? I take it back. It's quite a lot. So the jokes he believes the Greek toilet humour is just a Greek toilet. Yes.

It's a fucking joke. That's the joke. Look, we put shitty bum paper in bin. It's funny, no. I mean, this is not bad. The jokes he believes the audience are expected from the situation.

but the God frustratedly preempts his remarks. So he already says, no, I know you're going to do that joke. It's sort of like me on this podcast. I already know which accent you're going to do. I know. Cockblocking my accents. So Dionysus seeks advice from his half-bother Heracles.

Advice what? About his nippy slave? Yeah. What is chippy? Just kill him. Yeah. Well, this is a comedy. It's like a British summer comedy.

Last of the summer wine, this is. Dian Isis shows up at his doorstable. step dressed in a lion hide carrying a club heracles upon yeah uh it can't help laughing i mean it's not you know it's not fucking um eddie murphy yeah it's not a question of it's not edy murphy delirious is it yeah yeah yeah well it's got probably got as much he's not accusing one entire section of the washington arena of having aids you know it's not funny like that is have you when did you last watch delirious um probably more recently than most people.

Because it's the first stand-up I ever saw. Really? I have a really... Makes a lot of sense. So that's what you think stand-up is. I think that is the problem.

That you're doing stand-up of a black guy from the 90s or the 80s. He's 21 in Deliris. I know, it's crazy. He's quite... His career is quite Greek, actually. Yeah.

By an incredibly bright, do everything and then sit in a chair for 40 years. Voice a donkey and then sit in a chair. Yeah. But that's why I started to stand up wearing an orange leather jumpsuit. And saying the N-word,

which I feel... Did you know what? It took you a while to work out. I do you think my next tour I should, maybe I should come out and that would be amazing. Come out of Eddie Murphy.

Yeah. And then I could just do my normal material that makes more sense. Oh, he's doing a parody of Eddie Murphy. No, that's what he does normally. Whatever you need to enjoy it, is it a parody is or not.

When you go back to watch Delirious, which is often touted as one of the great comedy albums of all time, or Seminole, and you kind of like, well, I got to watch this as a comedy fan, it's good to kind of be clued up on the history of the art form

and yeah, opens with the most insane homophobia. Which I think the premise is and he keeps using the F word. The premise is imagining if your son was an F word. The premise is he says that I've got to keep moving quickly across the stage and changing direction. So the F section doesn't look at my ass.

That's the premise. Opening joke. So you know how Jemohen has that funniest bit of the stage when he moves the stage and wait and people laugh? Great bit. Murphy's take on that was just to go, well, that section's gay, so I need to not face away from them.

He was trying to hide his ass from the gay section. Yeah. All right, now I said, it's quite funny. It's quite funny. So, anyway, this is another comedy, Charlie, you've got up, called The Wasps. All right. So we had the frogs, which is obviously laugh a minute. Now we've got the Wasps.

Eleven surviving plays by Aristophanes. Right. Are all Aristophanes plays about animals? As in his other plays, Aristophanes satirises that the Athenian general and demagogue Cleon, he also ridicules the law court. So this is a bit more like How I Got News for you. Yeah. One of the institutions that provided Cleon is power.

The play has been thought to exemplified old comedy. Right. What's old comedy? Is it Ian Hyslop? Is it, it's Paul Merton, Ian Heslop, Radio 4. Do you know how theatre was invented, though, in Greece? No. Do you care?

I really don't care, but go on, tell me. Because I went to Athens about four months ago, maybe five months ago. And the theatre of Dionysus is where it kind of started. Basically, it was like a religious festival that got out of hand. The Dionysus Festival. Yes, a Dionysm. Which in my head, that's like October 1st. It was like October Fest.

Yeah. And basically, every year they do the theatre of Dionysus, they'd have this big, per se parade, they'd go through the city. And they'd kind of end with like a little dance at the end. Right. They're just pissed out their mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And eventually they just, it just kind of slowly developed into people sitting down,

watching the dance. Every year it just turned more and more into what we think is theatre now. You know, it's too long, it's boring, there's programs. Yeah, best it's the interval. Yeah. You know, what we think is. You really know as theatre now just developed over time from this sort of like, it October Fest just very slowly descended.

A boring German play. Wow. Yeah. It just slowly happened. You know, people sat there. Now people are boring you at dinner parties with their thoughts on the last theater of Dionysus ending.

And before you know it, theater and all live performance, you know, came from that. So theater is invented. I guess we should talk about a democracy, shouldn't we? Yeah.

because that's what everyone really talks about. And the big dog here's Pericles, right? Pericles is the big guy. Pericles is the Athenian general. Yeah. But then does he sort of invent democracy, I think? I think so. And it's the idea of a tyrant,

which I think also a Greek word, before Pericles, there'd been a whole string of tyrants. Right. Who had basically treated the demos, the people badly. and Pericles invented democracy that's about as much as I've got

that's as much as you know and all the ancient history guy fucking hell right so Pericles is my understanding is that he's like he's the guy he's the I mean

he's Blair he's Thatcher he's a totemic figure that changes the country you're saying he's Margaret Thatch so yeah he's the absolute goat who's Margaret Thatcher he's Adolf Hitler

you're putting words in my mouth. You're putting words in my mouth. He's... You're putting yogh in my mouth. Yes. You please, stop put yoga in my mouth. Yoga is not for the next hour. I've got to sit down window first. Not today. Not today. Bus not come today. Pericles is a totemic figure.

Yeah. He transforms Greece from tyrant people to democracy. Now when everyone says that Greece invented democracy, what they mean is they invented the word. Yes. Because Greek democracy, as we just said, it basically involves the boys. Yeah, it's not really, it's not how we imagined it. It's not,

because we've got our idea of democracy is all tied up with like human rights and the individual. They're like, no, no, no, no. They have slaves. Yeah.

They have existing slaves. So Greek, Greek, they have slaves who are, what are they African slaves? Are they Turkish slaves? Are they just Greek slaves? I think they're from all over the show. I don't know they were that racist about it.

Because their idea of greatness comes from Athenians How small your dick is Exactly Right And being a citizen of Athens And they believe that The citizens of Athens

With the first people And they came out of the earth And that they're better than anywhere else So it's kind of like It's not like They're not viewing it as like races Or even nations There's a story that

Athenians believe Is that I think it's Athena Yeah And some other god tries to fuck Athena Yes No no Hephistus Hephist who is

An ugly god The god of ugliness Sort of he's a he's a lame blacksmith right so he's he's literally he's not a loser he well he is a bit but he's he's a blacksmith and he's a blacksmith and he's a blacksmith so he's jose his first son zeus and hira here is uh his wife so this is the king and queen of the gods yeah they finally have their first child and when heera gives birth to him he's so ugly yeah that she cunts him off mount olympus for being too ugly yeah and then he hits his head on the way down and gets ugly

and uglier, right? Each time he hits a bang, bang, bang, bang. He then, down in the debt, starts smelting as you do. Yeah. You know, what else are you going to do? You're in the bottom of a mountain,

you're ugly. You're ugly. You're going to spell. Get in the shed. Start making stuff. And becomes the god of blacksmiths, basically, and an amazing blacksmith. Basically, through some other jape

that the gods get into, his mum gets stuck on a chair. Well, she's a great god. Say no more. And the only person... I can't get up. too comfy. And the only person

who can get her out is the master blacksmith, Hephaestus. And then she's like, I'm sorry for kicking you off a mountain. You can be my son

because you got me out of this chair. A lovely story of a relationship between a mother and son. But then he tries to fuck Athena. Yeah, admittedly,

because I remember the way advice was described to me is though he's ugly, he's actually really nice and everyone likes him. Right. Well, ugly guys are normally nice

but this story, when he comes on Athena, he tries to fuck Athena. Who I thinks his aunt anyway. I mean, they're all related because there's like 25 of them and they're all one family

and they're all fucking each up. Listen, we're not judging the past by today's standards. That's not what we do on this podcast. That's definitely what we don't. There's 100% more what this podcast is about. But listen, let bygones be guigons.

Yeah. Who amongst us has not fancied their cousins? Let he who is without sin. Yeah. Let he who has not fucked his cousin. I never said that. We've all been 12 and don't speak to girls and our cousin walks in and you go,

oh, for a second, but then you don't do anything. You just repress it. My point is that he tries to fuck Athena doesn't succeed comes on her essentially like a sock In a thigh In her thigh

She wipes it with a sock Throws the cum sock Yeah the wool Yeah like a woolen cloth Wally sock Yeah A thick cumsock Athens grows out of a thick cum sock

Is my point It does It actually does She throws it onto the ground of Athens And out from Athens Spout everything That's what they believe Because the idea is

Wool is part of the earth and it's the combination of the earth and gods come. Do you reckon before all this a cum sock was just a whole sheep? Do you reckon guys would come on a lamb or something? What, just fuck a lamb?

No, no, not fuck a lamb. They'd come into a lamb. Right, so a pocket pussy would be like a fucking lamb. A tiny lamb. Because that would be embarrassing. What's that? That's my pocket.

Yeah, do you reckon they just used whole sheep? Yeah. Well, just on a lad's tour. What's embarrassing is in your luggage you can just hear lots of... Oh, I see. You don't think you're going to get lucky.

The jealousy they would have in the modern age where it's like, well, your pocket pussy doesn't bleat. That's amazing. What incredible invention. But again, we can't judge past by today's standards. No. Pocket pussy's worth. Exactly.

This is not a judgmental podcast. For them, they'd be like, oh my God, I can't believe that on a Sunday, those guys roast pocket pusses. Yeah. They have roast lamb with mint sauce. They're eating fleshlight and mint sauce. What are they doing?

That's barbaric. Yeah, that is barbaric. That's barbara's. Yeah, massive cocks eating in a pocket purse. No license to carry these cock. Anyway, sorry. The original question was, Charlie, please remove the face of the man who meant of the fleshlight.

That's not relevant anymore. Slaves came from many regions. Africa, Greece, other countries. Do founding myth of Athens because there's other stuff to it as well. They'd kidnap. They'd kidnap them piracy anyway. So is it Pericles in 451, B.C.E. he's an influential Athenian states

when he passes a law that restricts citizenship to those whose parents were born Athenian came out of the Comsock and centralising power within the Athenian citizen class Right

So that citizen class I think that that Maybe the idea of a citizen Is invented here? Maybe and that excludes women Yeah And excludes slaves Anyone who shit crack

And who's Yeah It's basically just one big voice What's that? Anyone who's a vibe kill Yeah excludes vibe kills but the point about democracy

is that it's not representative it's direct so it is basically jury duty they pick lots amongst the boys of who's going to do what job for like a year so everyone has a turn at least once in their life of having some kind of government role

and then it gets to it gets to the 19th century and people go well we cannot do this because people are fucking morons Yeah And so we're gonna have... Maybe not everyone should have a go

Yeah Maybe some people should be doing other stuff Some people should never have goes Well when you see like Wayne Rooney We shouldn't all have a go Being the striker for Man United No Do you know what I mean?

Yeah But Wayne Rooney shouldn't have a go Being Prime Minister Exactly I couldn't have put it better myself Some We have different skills Everyone has different skills

And it's fine to have different skills But once again it's easy to judge They haven't worked that out yet You have to trial and error This shit We didn't know that you could eat a fleshlight They see Wayne Rooney, shagging a granny or whatever he's doing. I think, well, let's make him prominent for a year.

I'll vote for him. So they basically draw lots amongst the boys as who's going to do that. Whereas in the 19th century, they were like, no, people are idiots, people are morons, don't do this. Those people can vote for someone to make their decisions on their behalf. And that's where we are now, essentially. Yes. So the idea they invented democracy is just the word. Yeah.

But I think more important is just the idea of being. a citizen of a place and then I guess the beginning of some sort of rights if you are an Athenian and that's, they're trying to protect the ideas of what an Athenian means. That's kind of the... Yeah, they invent ethno-nationalism. Yes. That's what it should say. It's not as nice a story to

tell ourselves about ancient Greece, but... And the founding myth of Athens, more on it is not just that... Because Athenians were made from the Kumsok, but the founding myth of why Athena is the goddess of Athens is... Because there was a context between Poseidon and Athens.

Right, Athena, with who would be And they both offered presents Poseidon's gift was a saltwater spring Right, to the city of Athens Yeah, and Athena's gift was an olive tree Which I feel like, I don't know Well, it's a step up from a cum sock, Yeah, I guess so, and then they chose Athena

And that's why Athena is the goddess of Athens So they also, as we should say, invent I mean, is it state sanctioned pedophilia, would you say? Is it more like It's got a word When you say sanction Is it more encouraged It's not sponsored

It's not in the budget Yeah But is it like I don't know What is it when a government encourages things Well it's nudge theory Isn't it?

Economic nudge theory Is it go If we cut taxes It's like charging The sugar tax On soft drinks Yes It's Nanny State

stuff isn't it Right I guess this is the opposite You don't have, you don't have, yeah, this is, get the nanny out of there. Get the nanny out there, fuck that young boy. Pre-teen state. It's called Padaresi. Yeah.

Which is, I guess. Which is a great Greek way of making it seem, uh, kind of more intellectual than it is. It's like people who say hebofile. Yeah, lad, he's a fucking p-do. If you're, no, no, no. I'm a hebephile. A hebepophile. Oh, you're trying to make it like cool and sexy than you're a pa-a-y-eep-a-e.

Yeah. So hebefile is when you're into like, is it, what? 12, between 12 and 16. Right. Yeah. So they look down on pedos. Now that is fun. That's a very funny concept going,

I'm not, I'm not sick in the head. I'm not a Pida. I'm a Hibo. I'm a Hbo guy. I'm not a wrong one. It's a subgenre, right? Yes.

Yeah, I would say a massive red flag when someone starts distinguishing the type of Pida file. I'd say if it's disco house or techno house, it's all house music and you shouldn't be going in that house. That's what. Yeah, it's not annoying music guy who, He's like, no, it's actually kind of like 90s jungles rave mix.

It's poolside disco, mate, you're a paed. It's actually like, yeah, it's actually Korean hebo, uh, Korean ebe child molestation. Yeah, yeah, mate. It's all, it's all bad. You got to try this. It's no, it's really good actually. It's all bad stuff.

You'd love this. It's like, sort of afro hebofilia. Yeah, but it was a great scene in the 70s in Nigeria. It's incredible. But, um, it is, it's socially acknowledged relationship between an older male and a younger male. Well, it's like on the tube when it's, uh, they're constantly trying to get you to stop. What lines are you getting? To stop you harassing.

What do you reckon the most pedo tube line is? I would probably say the most pedo tube line. Bakerloo, I reckon. Yeah. Well, Bakerloo's back in the day. Back of the day. Yeah. It feels very much like a rural private school in the 70s, Bakerloo.

Bouncy seats. No one's checking. No one's checking. No one's cleaning the seats. It's an old boys club. Goes very far northwest. That geography teacher. No one's checked in on him for 40 years.

What's he been doing in that small pretext? school. Exactly. You know, the parents send their kids away for 10 years, don't see them again. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bakelu likes the most peter line, I think. My point was, you know, sort of see it, say it, sort it, sort of like governmental

boards trying to get you to do things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it's like. You don't have to be peter far. That's called social. But it's see it, fuck it. See it, fuck it, bin it. Those signs are all over Athens.

It was just a classy thing Yeah, it had class The love between two men It wasn't gay at all It was gay, not fucking a young boy Like that was Yeah, people would call other men gay For not fucking a man

Yeah All the philosophers, Plato, Aristotle That whole, there was a philosophical school At their lunch break They would bum each other But it wouldn't be awkward Like the teacher would bum the young boy And it's just like

He would rest his cock betwixt He'd do that at my school I mean that's still That's called general studies Yeah I guess A kind of old British colonial values Do have some Greco Roman inspirations As in at boarding schools

You'd often get Bugged by a teacher What about did the girls get molested Or is it strictly? Charlie don't be vulgar For God's sake I genuinely think they weren't that molested It was very much

It was boy on boy Yeah it's all boys stuff It's guys It's for the boys It's the purest form of love Yeah Women were essentially Entirely domesticated

Right that sounded wrong what like a cat yeah what I mean is they were domestic animals they weren't as hard animals they were domestic animals they were domestic animals the women unlike now of course where they roam the savannah

really nearly but no the women's like it's such an afterthought of democracy yeah and the reason is that men are working men are fighting men are doing all the decisions men are fucking each other so that everything can be taken off the woman so that she can just raise kids and keep her home

like it's like we're doing everything we're not even fucking you we're fucking the boys yeah so you we are reducing your mental load ironically to just the mental load yeah the housework and the kids that is all you gotta worry about

I don't need to get my end away I'm fucking Stavros three times a day they're kind of creating a closed loop economy within the men yes exactly we don't need you you sort ourselves out and if I can't find that in my boys

they're not responding I've got a sheep Van's thought, I'll come in that. Greek lamb, famously, Greek lamb, very tasty. Maybe that's why. Maybe that's why. Maybe they come in their sheep, and that's why Greek lamb is so good. Can we find out more about pedestri? What's the actual details?

Sounded quite a heap of all there. Sorry, Charlie, can you just click on the Peredestri? There's a little image there. Let's have a look at that. Right. But basically, we should probably, to be honest, we've hit nearly 55 minutes. Yeah. We will, I guess what we'll do next time,

we'd actually do the golden age to probably do the actual history. See, that dick's quite big for a statue. I think that's Volga. I think that's, that dick's too big. Yeah. I'm looking at that thinking, put it away, mate.

Come on. No one needs to see that. I reckon, I reckon, we pause it here. Yep. And next time, we will dig into... Something. No, we'll dig into the philosophers

and we'll dig into the fall of Greece and how Athens basically perished. We'll sum up why Athens goes from this incredible cradle of ideas to the cradle of fat men

that it is now. That's what we'll do. That episode is already on the Patreon. You can sign up for three pounds a month to become a truther and either way,

thanks for listening and we will see you next time. See you next time. Goodbye. Thank you.