Fin vs History - The Cold War was an Ugly-Off | The Cuban Missile Crisis (Part 2)

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened. For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening, and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLink Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Well, welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm with Horatio Gould, as ever. And this is part two of our series on the Cuban Missile Crisis. Yep. To get you back up to speed, Kennedy is the horniest man in the world. Crucius is the ugliest man at the time. The ugly man that's ever lived. Yeah, at that time. There's other Russian premies. There are new depths to sink to.

Brezhnev is hot in his heels. There's guys being kept to nuclear submarines, so they're not bringing up until they need to. Until they're deemed ugly enough to... Until America strikes first, they're not going to launch their ugliest guys out of the submarines. Yeah, exactly. So Gorbachev's in a submarine at the moment.

Yeah, he's in a submarine and someone's cracking an egg on top of his head. Because he's what they call their second strike policy. Yeah, yeah. Because you need to have an ugly person, to come up, but then you need to be able to send an ugly person. But at this stage, they still think they can negotiate with America. I think they're only bringing up Gorbachev when negotiations have failed. And it's like, well, we're going to have to bring out the ugliest guy we've got.

Yeah. So if you're just, basically... Because it's an act of wanton aggression to bring Gorbachev out straight away. That's too much. That's actually a war crime for him to take... History won't reflect on you well if you brought up Gorbachev without being provoked. If you put Gorbachev in a room and took his hat off, you're guilty of war crimes. So if this is the first episode you've listened to, stop, go back because it turns out Russia won the Cold War because what was at stake was actually who was ugliest.

Well, history is, you can look at it from a million different perspectives. History's written by the uglies. That's that famous saying, isn't it? History's written by the uggos. But no, history's written by the hot people. That's why we sold as the Cold War being a victory to the hossies. Yes, exactly. But it was actually, if you...

So are you saying the FIP guys won the Cold War? No. I'm saying that they sold it as them winning it. Yes. Because people listen to them because they're not horribly ugly. Well, they said because the Soviet Union collapsed and capitalism became the world system, they said they won. Yeah. But actually, the project was to find the ugliest guy in the world.

Yes. From the service, they were like, well, we found the ugliest people. I mean, we won. They packed up and left because they'd already done what they'd set out to do. They unveiled Gorbachev and went, there is nowhere. else to go. Yeah. He's got an egg, he's got an egg on his head.

Where else can you possibly go than a man with an egg on his head? And that's when they were just like, bring the wall down. Bring it down. Mr. Gorbachev, bring this wall down. Because the wall was actually there to stop people from seeing Mikhail Gorbachev's face. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, it's like the guys who queue up outside to get an iPhone.

They got the iPhone. They don't need to be camping there anymore. Don't go home. There he is. Right. God. Yeah, no,

you're right. I do think Brezhnev's pushes him. Let's get Brezhnev up because I don't, get it side by side. Brezhnev has a consistency to his face that I think.

The problem, the thing with Brezhnev is, right, I just zoom in on Brezhnev. I imagine, and this might be because he's, that's an AI image. That's an AI image.

There's the, because what's the image on the Berlin wall of, is it Brezhnev kissing someone? Yeah, Breznev kissing. Is it American leader? Do you know what I mean?

Or is it the leader of the GDR. There's an image on the Berlin Wall of two old guys kissing. Can we get that up? That's a great. Which is actually my desktop background. There is. Yeah. Is that the head of the Honaker or someone? Valta Honika. I don't know who that is, but anyway

Brezhne, I feel like when Brezhnev goes to speak scramble legs fall out. He's just got that kind of lots of foals in the neck. Look at him. Look at him. Sir, what would you like for just eggs just spill out

and then he goes one second he goes through his pocket yeah and then just spaghetti boll and he's and he's like

oh he goes inside and I'll just get my wallet and it's just basically in the title who's that

there that's Kov wow okay that looks like the crazy frog I don't know I think Brezhnev also

has those Eugene Levy eyebrows which I think carry them a lot. The Brezhnev does look a bit American pie. I feel he's put those eyebrows on to try and distract

from how ugly is. Yeah, yeah. It's just... What is, it's a sneak attack is that you can't go in with, as we found out from the Cuban missile crisis, you can't go in carrying a missile.

No. You've got to wrap it in a big rock. It doesn't... No, no, no, no, no. There's not a missile in there. No, no, no. We're just... Oh, please, my friend.

It's very good missile. Very good. Very good. Good price. Good price. Yeah. So that's Gorbachev actually getting off. Charlie, what's that? Now, interesting enough, is that before or after the graffiti? Yeah.

Did he see the graffiti and think, well, I wouldn't mind a bit of that. Yeah, because that's got to be one of the ugliest kisses I've ever seen. That's Gorbachev getting off with a... But that's how they used to kiss in 1940s Hollywood films. Have you noticed how the kiss changes in Hollywood? Because it started, basically you move your mouth less, the further back you go. Like now it's like very passionate.

the mouth smoothing a lot, there's a lot of tongue. Like Humphrey Bogart, if you think about him in like Casablanca, hey now, here's me looking at you kid. And then you go like this, freeze completely, and you go, and you just headbutt. Go Humphi Brogart kiss. But that's how I think you should kiss your child. That's how, that's how a man.

Well, you completely freeze up. That's how a man kisses. That's how a father. A real man, yeah. So the Bogart kiss is you get a stroke, you're completely frozen, and then you headbutt the woman as hard as possible. let's go the actual kiss because he mushes the face in as much as possible

yeah oh that's it yeah just mush just squash the face because he's obviously a gay so he's going he's just kind of squawsh his face he's swallowing sick as he does it what we're talking about

well we're actually talking about Brezhnev throwing up scramble his mouth because that's how ugly it is at this point Brezhnev's only in the cabinet and one of those bits of egg lands on Gorbachev's head and then Gorda Chops on a beach And as we talked about

Now in the NHS When you're checking for testicular cancer Yes They have got They've replaced It's supposed to different images Of like stage three cancer, whatever They have just got chronologically

The Soviet premieres Post World War II Yeah So it starts with Stalin Right Fine Clean bit of health And then Krushev

Right there's something going on. Go to a doctor. Don't Brezhnev. This is serious. Gorbachev, you're dead. Stage four. You've got three months to live.

Fill out your affairs. Yeah. So, anyway, so America have elected, they've decided to stop electing Uggos and elect the hornyest man that's ever lived. That's why he sounds like that. Because he's, uh, meanwhile, the Russian, on the Russian side,

they've elected a scale of testicular, um, disfigurement. It was different systems dealing with problems in a different way. Two different systems. Two very different outlooks. Yeah.

Different economies. Yeah. It's a polarised, it's a bipolar world. It's a bipolar world. Yeah. And there are a lot of smaller countries who are like,

we don't really want any part of this. Yeah. But America was like, you're either hot or you're not. Yes. And Russia was like, you're either a warning sign for testicular issues or you're not.

Yeah, because Cuba wants to be part of the non-aligned... Third world countries. Basically, all the third world countries were like, you're both fucking mentor. You're weirdos. Like, I don't want any part of this. And then America would just start attacking them, I think.

Well, America just had like a, it was sort of like a racist dad here who kind of thinks everyone's foreign, who's not from here. You know, you're all from bongo land if you're not from Britain. So you're talking to me. Yeah.

But them, it's like, well, you're probably Russian. Does anyone who's not, you know, knows? If you're not wearing blue jeans, you are Russian. You're Russian, yeah. So, and we ended the last episodes with Khrushchev spots an opportunity in American-Cuban relations. Because Castro and Kennedy both have a face full of muff. Yeah, and they haven't come up for air for a couple days. And so Khrushchev goes, I'm going to put some missiles on Cuba.

And he hires a bunch of pointless contestants, buses them down from York. Hi, I'm Neil, and I'm a window cleaner from Rippen. Window liquor? No, no, no, no, window cleaner. All right. Alexander Armstrong goes, oh, that sounds nice. Have you watched it recently? What have you got there? Is it an intercontinental ballistic missile?

Have I watched it recently? I used to do the warm-up for it. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. I was telling people about the stories about Alexander Armstrong, but you're watching it now. He has a thousand-yard stair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They've been doing it for 10, 10, 15 years.

But it's completely autopilot. Yeah. It is a Tesla self-driving car. They have, you know, Richard Osmond wears jeans. Oh, right. So when I started doing it, he wore suit. And then about three years later, he was like, I don't know, need to do this. I could just be naked from the lower half.

No one sees the bottom half. Now that is a good bit of trivia right there. Yeah, it's pretty good trivia. That should be on pointless as a question. That's a dinner party trivia. What is Richard wearing below the desk? At what point did Richard Osmond start wearing jeans on pointless? And at what point, really, he starts wearing trousers altogether?

But I don't think Armstrong has... Because he seems like he's like on speed or something because he's just completely erratic looking on the show. I don't know... Does he have any idea what he's saying? Or is his head somewhere else? If you were interacting with the most boring middle-aged people this country has to offer...

Four times a day... Well, they've won a competition with who's the most boring. To be on the show. They've gone through... They've gone through a checklist. A sieve of boring where only the most boring get through. Now, who's more boring?

The people on the show are the people who watch the show live. the people who watch the show are trying to get on the show so they're their boring heroes and he's talking to them and they say something boring and he goes that sounds nice and that's his job so of course he's got a thousand yards there I don't think he would remember the last thousand episodes

anything that happened because in his head what's it doing in his head is it that or is it he's just watching monkey the symbols anyway the pointless contestants are useful in putting missiles on Cuba yeah um so uh anyway the u.s uh flying spy flights well you said that you there's something

about when he first finds out about the missiles yeah so well no it's um robert macnamara yeah who's the foreign secretary sounds like a football player yeah from the 70s from now is it him or is it someone at one of uh kennedy firstly kennedy's fucking like an intern called me me who's like 18 yeah yeah is that what he calls Or is that her name? Mimi, that's what he calls his own dick. Mimi now. Mimi, me, me, me, me.

Hey, I'm horny. Mimi. Ask not what you can do, but who you can fight now. Yeah, right. So, yeah, he takes an 18-year-old intern's virginity. It's like Lewinsky on steroids. Yeah. So was she just trying to do mine in the phone?

She's just trying to do paperwork. He's like, ah. Christ. But he also, he has two secretaries whose sole job is to suck off one of the other cabinet members at a pool party. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, he's insane.

So what's, what, but just because he wants, he thinks he needs to get loosen up a bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, this guy's not thinking clearly enough. Empty his balls now. Empty his balls now. I need complete clarity of thought around this over office. Well, it's sort of like madmen, isn't it, right?

Yeah. Just all the women are getting, yeah. Exactly. So, uh, and what was my point? It's pre-me too, isn't it, this? Very pre-me, very pre-me two. Several, several ages before me two. Yeah.

It was a couple of weeks before me, too, I think. Kennedy's head exploded at the right time. Yeah. If he'd lived any longer, he would have been... Do you know what? He would have hated it now. He would have hated it now. He would be sitting here going, do you know what?

Blow my head to shit. Put me in a car and blow my head off. And to be honest, I mean, you could argue, you know, Clinton's born in the wrong era. I mean, Clinton should have been in Kennedy's cabinet. He should have been number two. We all miss, you know, you were meant to be born in the 19... 50s or the British Raj. That's when I would have been happiest, I think.

And you're stuck in 2024. Fucking out, I hate it. 2025. 2025, fucking hell. Can you imagine Clinton and Kennedy as a ticket, women running scared? The entire over office would be like a Benny Hill theme. What, they got a net?

I did not have relations. He's on the saxophone. I do not have sexual relations. We're dead. Yeah, anyway. So Kennedy, what was my point? Your point was about the night. Yeah, so, well, this is, so one of the,

maybe it's called McGeorge Bundy, or McBundee George, George. Anyway, he's got a stupid name, Mac. Yeah, he sounds like a new item on at McDonald's. Yeah, the McBundee George. He, he finds out, or someone from the CIA, so I found out that the photos, the YouTube, the, the, the new,

nudes of leaks. Yeah. The leaked nudes of the point of contestants. Bevo sex tape has dropped at Cuba. He's like, oh my God, the president's got to see this. Bivo. Bivo's got a setter tape. Does he come weird as well?

Right. You've seen Bivow sex tape. But fucking Charlie forced me to watch it. When he comes, does he go... Yeah, Charlie, what do you think about? Well, his face is hidden throughout the video. Oh, so you don't know it's him. You can only see his cock.

So you don't know it's him. You do... No, because you can hear him. He says... He knows... He said you know the rules. Very well, apparently. You can hear him, when he comes, he says now you know the rules.

Now, what are the rules? What are the rules? Sorry. This is something he says when he has dinner, and that's the same thing he says when he comes. So that's like me going, yum yum, yum, yum, my tum-tum. Oh, that was a big one.

Oh, big feed today after I've just... He's not the highest IQ individual. No. You only have three or four things you can remember. member at once in that brain. He's also not the best. I'd say he's probably in the running to be Soviet Premier in 1980.

Well, to be honest, if it was Cold War, I think Britain would have to use... Bebo. He's the only man. Weird looking enough. Well, Thatcher's not... I wouldn't say Thatcher's hot stuff.

No. No. Even though I was listening to this book Killing Thatcher. They were talking about her like she was quite an elegant looking woman. I thought she was... I thought she was considered quite unattractive. But maybe not. Well, maybe.

I think, remember, it was Britain in the 80s. She looks, I'll say she looks a bit like Brezhneve with a big wig on. But there's a chance that she's the most attractive woman in Britain at that time. From the pictures I'm seeing. We're not seeing anyone else from that time. Maybe Thatcher was an absolute babe compared to. You know she won, like, Miss UK? What?

She won Miss UK before becoming the Conservatives of Leisure Thatchard. No, of course. Sorry. Sorry. This podcast is already in the bid. Blake in my brain. You said that so sincerely. But Charlie, you said you had a shameful erection during the BVo sex tape, didn't you?

Yeah, I'm kind of tempted to get it up. Sorry, what? I don't think... There's one with him with this Mexican teen and, like, I got a kind of involuntary erection. I don't, listen, I think that's quite a... Well, listen, the only way it's... She was at least 18. The only way it's relevant is because BVo is essentially JFK in the story.

And the Mexican teen is a Cuban And I got a bonus And you got a bonus And you got a bono You had a missile crisis So hang on So there's the Cuban missile crisis And there's Charlie's missile crisis

But it's a separate episode But it's still about a Latino Yeah Maybe that So maybe that's a baby that's a patron Yeah So if this was If the Cuban missile crisis

Was a porn video What would the title be? Russian guy comes his pants before American slut finishes herself off and Cuban guy watches in the wardrobe Cuban cuck watches from the wardrobe That's it Cuban cuck watches Russian guy

But when Bivo Sorry to dwell Can we just get back to the serious issue here Bivo? When he comes and says Now you know the rules I feel I don't know the rules No because I thought the rules were

You were going to eat your dinner And now you've just come and I'm thinking, what game am I playing? I feel like you've confused the rules there, Bebo. What are the rules of this game? Yeah, because now next time you're swallowing and you're saying, now you know, the rules, I'm like, am I tossing you off?

Yeah. Are you wanking underneath the table while you're eating your dinner? Because JFK is, I tell you that much. Bivo, very inconsistent with the rules. Anyway, but this is my point. Christ. So, whatever his name is, the Secretary of State for getting goshed off by a pool.

McChickenburger. The McChicenberger. The McBoie! Yeah. So McRib, McLegeon. The McFlurry, the McFlurry guy. Charlie, Charlie, do not put porn hub on. Charlie, this is a workplace. That's an HR issue.

Put B-BORR essay down. We've got a horny guy. Hello, I'm Elizabeth Day, the creator and host of How to Fail. It's the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right. And what, if anything, we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better? Each week, my guests share three failures, sparking intimate, thought-provoking and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices, sharing what they've learned through their failures. Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week.

This is an Elizabeth Day in Sony Music Entertainment Original podcast. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. Right. So, JFK is, whatever his name is, the Chicken McRibb. Finds the surveillance photos from the CIA and he goes to tell Kennedy and this is on... Yeah, look, because there's a gap, right?

Spy plane photos, photographs Soviet missile sites on October the 14th. Yeah. It gets to McChiggin'Ribb... On October the 15th, right? October the 16th, J.F.K. is informed, right? Do you know why he didn't be told that night?

Because he was literally having sex with the prostitute in the White House. So it's sort of... like, you know when Stalin died and the guards wouldn't go in because they were scared for three days? It was kind of like that. Literally. They were scared but for three days. McRib is outside the door being like

Mr. Mr. President. He's like, eh, ah, ah, eh. And he goes, Mr. President, there's some really worry and he's from Cuba. Mr. President, please. And he's just like, eh, eh. And McRib is with McLegment. And they're both saying, well, he'll finish soon. Yeah, yeah, he'll finish soon.

We'll just sit and wait outside. Yeah. And they think he's done, but then six more girls go in and they're like up in, right, and then there's that photo of one

of them, listening in the other one's ear, a second girl has just got in and he's just staring there going oh, it's going

to be a long, it's going to be a really long night. So, anyway, so J.F.K gets informed the following

morning when... I was like, why didn't you tell me? Why did you tell me is that you were literally fucking seven women all night?

So JFCK at the only time they can actually talk to tell him anything is when his balls was literally empty. JFC also was very

paranoid because he was scared that he might have actually accidentally fucked his wife. Yeah. And that's like at the moment... Which, the amount of women he was fucking, like a stop clock, he will eventually have sex with his own wife. But he was literally like, for a second there... You worried me?

Yeah, because one of the girls looked like his wife. Yeah. For a second, I thought I didn't cheat on my wife. I've got some worrying photos. Is that a photo of my wife naked? I do not want to see that. It's the last thing I want to see. Even though his wife was like mega fit.

Yeah, but it's his wife. He's cheating. Yes. As long as it's cheating. It's all the girls are okay. They're horrible. The Russian girls are. his dad at the dinner table would say literally would just be like real men cheat on their wives

and his mum would be sitting there in hello okay yeah yeah and he'd be like right um well i'll pick you up after practice i'm going to go cheat on your mum for a couple hours you know that was just he was raised on it right so anyway so he's he's getting his end away and then the next morning mcchicken tells him yeah about the uh the worrying photos of the pointless contestants and Kennedy's like What the fuck's pointless He watches the chase You see

He's a Bradley Walsh guy He's a Bradley Walsh guy Then he informs the missile site So this is October the 16th This is when the crisis begins And also they don't have a direct line at this point They do it afterwards Afterwards they decide that maybe the two leaders

Should call each other directly At this point It's Chinese accent whispers And it's like Chinese accent whispers Because all of the information That's a very different game. All of the information in the most tense time

the world's maybe ever been to be getting close to being destroyed is strangely enough being delivered via Chinese whispers where they have to do it in progressively more racist Chinese accents. So that's why it gets, there's so much confusion going on

because when it comes back to Crucev he's like, it's like fucking out, really? I've got to go further than that. You did the team. How am I getting further than that? This is getting unbelievable. My God.

This is why it took 10 days. If Chairman Mao's going to hear it, I'm fucked on Mao. You're at one point, he thinks it is male. Yeah. And then he realizes it's one of his... Oh, Bresdena, for fuck. Fuck's sake, man. I thought that was Chairman Mao.

How did eggs come out in a Chinese accent? Is that egg fried rice coming out of your mouth? God. Right. So, yeah, it's... So, so... I mean, this is the closest the world ever got to exploding.

And yeah, it was just... Yeah, so anyway, well, not yet. Not yet, it isn't. Around this time, though. Well, in a week. Don't give it away. I'm sorry, that we're going on. Right, so JFK gets informed

of the missile sites, and he then... He then gets a bunch of the boys. He gets McChicken, he gets a large prize, he gets chocolate milk chicken and McFlurry around the table. And he calls this ex-con, executive committee of the National Security Council. Right. And he's got options, right?

Now, the first option, which is his... favorite is forget about the whole thing and go back to fucking another woman there's like right motion character now we've got I'm sorry sir okay and boating once twice okay sold I'm gonna go I'm gonna go back to bed his trousers are down his ankles already immediately fall down right

who's next yeah he's next yeah he's next it's got so bad that fillet and fish has had to toss him off just to keep him at the table just to keep him there for 10 minutes Phillet of fish is the one woman minister. They call a fillet of fish. Do you say fillet or fillet? It probably is filet, isn't it?

I think I say filet. It probably is that. But it's not as if it's filet mignon, is it? Yeah, I guess with a fillet of fish, I think you drop the French. Filet. Fillet, it's a horrible word. Would you ever get a fillet of fish at McDonald's? I fancy a fillet.

I always think it's a huge red flag if you're at McDonald's, someone gets a fillet fish. My old house, mate, he used to always get a fillet of a fish. the chicken because he said it's the one thing they can fuck up and give me food poisoning and then I can sue them and that's my that's my owl I mean that's a cheap guy isn't it? That's my out. He said I don't have to work. Does he any other jobs? He does now. Okay. But his plan was I don't want to work. My plan is I'm going to keep buying chicken from McDonald's and at one point they're going to because you know you fuck chicken up. It's food poisoning. You can't get it from beef, right? So you fuck chicken up

and then I sue McDonald's and I'm, that's my retirement. How much? Do you think you could actually sue them for a lot if you get food poisoning? Probably. But I also think it's such a tight ship. I mean, it's not even really, you've seen the machines in there. It's not really cooking, is it? It's like 3D printing. Yeah. Burgers. Yeah. So I think they're completely safe. That's amazing. And what's this job now? Do you know? He's an accountant for the pleasants. What point did he put a packet in, do you think? The fillet of fish sandwich McDonald's is made from Wildcourt Alaskan Pollock. I prefer my meat 3D printer than my fish for some reason.

Fish 3D printed is just too much, I think. Anyway, I think it's the classiest possible order. But then I'm, you're at McDonald's. Yeah, but you're trying to make classic. You're getting an erection watching Bevo's ex-taxed. I'm not taking lessons on class from this guy. Right, get the fucking, get the Cuban missile.

Not Charlie's missile crisis. Get Cuban missile crisis. Right. So he gets, he gets this old McDonald's order around the table. And he goes, right, first thing. Philithfish is tossing him off to keep a focus. Right, we have it in or we're taking away. What are we doing, what are we doing, lads?

And so there are several options. But then they call the wrong guy, and it comes back to him. Cruzev hears, in a Chinese accent, two fries, one large cook. And it's like, what? What the fuck are we talking about? Anyway, so there's several options he can do, right? He can obviously just wait until the whole thing blows over and go, go get sucked off by someone. That's what he wants to do.

He can either just invade, go whole hog and go fuck it, invade. he can impose an embargo. There is already an embargo, isn't there? We missed that last time. There's a trade embargo. Oh, who cares. But the trade embargo was as soon as they became common. It's a trade embargo.

And that's why they only have... Two things in the shop. Cigars and bread. They have bread, actually. Oh, really? They're Cuban cars. Cars and cars. That's it.

So it's getting quite hungry. Yeah, exactly. And you can't light the cigars because they haven't got any light of it. Lighters, yeah, the embargo on that. But at least the car's bounce. Hey, yes, cabron. So, anyway, there's several options he can do,

and it should be stressed that all the McRib and McChicken and those boys, they're just like, they're like, fucking Inveck, go for it. This is it. They're like, very hawkish. They're like, very hawkish. And also these are like, Kennedy's quite young to be in this, very young to be in this position. All of these guys are like proper war vets.

It's the generals, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same generation. sides, it's the same generation best post you ever seen. They've got rid of the McCarthyists. They got rid of the, and they hate communists.

They're also the same lot that drop the bomb on Hiroshima. They're like, let's fucking, oh, they're getting boys. And they're kind of calling Kennedy a pussy. They're playing grandma. Come on, man. They're like, he's like, yeah, like,

you know, anyway. So they're really big-tying him again. But Kennedy, because he has post-knuck clarity, and the rest of them, and he's like seeing the Matrix. He's like, he's like playing 40-chess in the sky. It's like, oh, for the three minutes that he's not being backed of.

Kennedy, right, these are the generals, are they, Charlie? Right. That's my order when I go through a drive-thru. Chocolate milkshake, big mat meal, large prize, six chicken selects for the barbecue dip. And that's Kennedy in the middle. Anyway, so get back to the timeline. So Kennedy, because he's seeing the matrix,

he's got post-knuck clarity. He decides that the actual, the rational thing to do is to do a naval blockade, which is an act of war, but he calls it, quarantine. Right. Which is not an active war. But also Russian ships are in the area.

Delivering. They're on the way delivering missiles. Yes. So now it's like an active confrontation between America and Russia. He's, he's, him and the, him and the McDonald's order have set, have set things in motion. Yeah. And he then addresses the American public. Yeah. On the 22nd of October. Right.

And so then it's like, now we're set up. Now, now the, now we're playing chess, right? because now Russians are on their way and the Americans don't know if the Russians are bringing I think the Americans maybe think that the Russians have missiles but not warheads because they're thinking they're the same missiles they got sold to them by the Turks

so they just roll up rugs with some salad and sauce in it. Yeah and then it's kind of like, it's like traitors it's kind of like a game of bluff right? Yeah, they're kind of, the whole nuclear thing is are you going to blow up the world? I would, I would do Yeah, I would do If you push me on it

Also like traitors Because I kind of think I would be able to work out If I was back then Yeah Because I know all the information Yes, exactly You know what I mean

That's like, In traitors You're like, you guys are fucking idiots They're clearly a traitor Because I know he's a traitor And here I'm like Well yeah, I would have known exactly I don't know exactly

I don't like what to do So And so the navies are going to meet Right In outside Cuba right Yeah And it's the whole thing is the Russian Navy slowly edged towards American Navy, right?

Yeah. It's about trying to stop the Russian ships. And Kenny's getting turned on because it's edging. Yeah. He's getting edged hard. And, but by the way, like, the Krushchev's generals are the same. They're like, let's just go. Let's just fucking go.

Let's blow him all up. And Castro is the same. And even Che Guevara, interestingly, is really pro-nuclear war. Which is really not the image that you'd think. Yeah. But he is, because everyone just remembers him as the, Is he Bolivian? Is he Bolivian?

I think he's Bolivian. Oh, Che Guevara. Sorry, I thought he's a Fidel. Che Guevara is Bolivian, I think. But is it kind of like an accelerationist thing where it's just like, let's restart. Yeah, no, he's just like. Let's go out to the Stone Age and rebuild. It's worth getting rid of America so that we can all live in a socialist parallel.

Yeah, he's Bolivian, right? He basically is like less, less, basically everyone wants a nuclear war. Yeah. Apart from. See, in my head, I think I wouldn't want a nuclear war, but I just don't know. If I'm with, if you're getting like hyped up, it's like, yeah, it's the rugby lads. You do mad things on tour.

You know, you'd be going to each other's piss and you think you wouldn't, but it's just the peer pressure. So, Soviet ships are approaching the quarantine line. Yeah. But this is October 24th. So this is basically a week after the blockade's been imposed. I always think about this. So this is like 10 days,

and whenever it's a timeline, they skip over these 10 days. But it was 10 days of, um and erring and erring. back and forth. Chinese accent whispers. Chinese accent whispers. I just always imagine it's like, I don't know, it's this,

I can imagine how sweaty the shirt is that Kennedy's wearing. I could go, he's barely sleeping. Well, but he never sleeps anyway. Yeah. But just like whenever you're working, like if,

when I was in uni trying to get an essay over the line and I was staying up all night, it's just like, it's the most of that feeling can possibly be, right? You're nailing Red Bull. Yeah, it's like, it's the most stressful all-nighter of all time.

Yeah, that's, yeah, That is what it is. You know, the blazers came off day one. Busting fags. Yeah. So, the Soviet ships approach the quarantine line. Yeah.

They turn back. So this is, yeah, so then at the UN, this is amazing, because the UN at this time is, like, actually sort of matters. Yeah. Now it doesn't, now it doesn't matter. Now it's ceremonial. It's basically ceremonial. It's like, you know, it's like a ritualistic, but it doesn't have any power. It's like a Channel 4 commissioner.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, they're basically trading off the power they had in the 90s. Yeah. So there's footage of the US ambassador to Russia and the Soviet ambassador at the UN, and the US ambassador in front of all the other UN guys from all the countries goes, can you confirm or deny, do you deny that you're putting missiles in Cuba, nuclear missiles, and literally you hear everyone go, oh!

Like a rap battle Yeah, yeah And then the Russian guy And then the guy goes Don't wait for the translation Just fucking answer me like that And everyone goes, oh And the Russian guy goes

We are not in the American court of law And I won't I won't like rushed I won't basically says fuck you There aren't any missiles But that's happening in front of everyone So that's on October the 25th And this is where it starts to get important

So October 26th Kennedy receives a letter from Khrushchev and Khrushchev says we'll remove the missiles from Cuba if you pinky promise not to invade Cuba Yes right But then also does Kennedy's pitched I think earlier about

Or is the Turkey? No that's that's later So then the next day Krushchev sends another letter But this one he makes it public and he says if you also remove the boss man missiles

from Turkey the carpets you have pointed at us if you have those massive magic carpets pointing at us then we will remove ours they shoot down you two's plane somehow all of

actually only four of you two survive there was actually originally 29 members of you two was like the so solid crew and then they got shot but it shot down and the only four survivors of the brain was the edge

I don't know any members are on you two. But it's funny how you two are just constantly flying over Cuba, even though no one wants them. A bit like how you two are just constantly air-dropping albums into your phone. You fuck off. They're not bought this. So, yeah, so the second letter is made public, and it's demanding that they remove the rugs from Turkey,

and then we'll get rid of the missiles. And no one quite knows what happened with the first and second letter, because it's like a weird negotiator. Well, no, the first letter is private, and the second letter is public. And then Kennedy decides to... The first one. The nicer one.

Yeah. Which is an interesting... Because that's where it really could have changed. But we all do that on WhatsApp. Like, when someone send you three messages, and you go, oh, I'm just going to... We'll provide to the first one. And then the passive-aggressive point.

Can you respond to this, please? What about this? Giving this a little nudge? And then you just... Oh, yeah. That's what Chris Jeff's doing. Giving this... Giving this a nudge?

Just this. Hey, just trying to circle back to... Nothing. Nudge, just sends another email. Bump. So, but yeah, on that same day that he gets the second letter, U-2's playing gets shot down. Yeah, 29 members of U-2 die.

29 ranking members of U-2 die. Leaving only Bono the edge of the other two cuts or whatever. And that's when they record the streets have no name. Yeah, yeah. So, anyway, that's, this is, that's also the day where this thing that really gets you hard happens. What? The submarine thing happens.

Yes. So, which day? Sorry, this is the same day the U-2 plane is shot down. Well, because a mad story that came out quite a bit later, like decades later, about how actually close it was to nuclear war, is America to try and get nuclear submarines out of the water, right? We're dropping depth charges to try and force the nuclear submarine to come up. Now, what is a depth charge?

Can we just... I'm going to take a... I don't know, but I'm going to talk. act like I do, I imagine it's a charge that drops to the depth and then explodes. It's my thought often but back, with the information I know.

Yes, but then it's not an offensive weapon. What it's trying to do, I think, is just... I guess it's trying to... Is it a signal, saying... It's either a signal, or is it that it forces the water up and then lifts the sub up? What I know about the sub was, on the sub, it was 50 degrees.

Yeah, so everyone's shirtless and sweating. And I don't know if that's because the debts charges are lifting the heat. Because the submarine was meant to be an Arctic sub because that's all the Russians had. So they all got big woolly hats on and stuff. And they put them in the Caribbean. Yeah.

So it's really hot. They don't have any Hawaiian shirt. It's actually incredibly gay underneath there. You've got 50 Russian blokes, topless, sweating, shoveling coal in a furnace or whatever. But it's 50 degrees and you can't think down there. No.

And it's the most important decision maybe ever. It's so hot. You've got, it's illegal to be gay and there's all of these fucking sexy 50s. You know, you're thinking things. You're thinking things that you've never thought before. You're having really uncomfortable sexual feelings about all of your...

Are there pointless contestants? No women down there because of a submarine. Submarine? Famously, women aren't allowed below 30 metres in sea level. Well, there's stuff they don't want to see down there. Also, also... International law dictates no woman can be put 30 metres below sea level. I think it's also fair that men get their own space.

Yeah, exactly. And that space is, to be fair, quite often found on land. And in the air. Yeah, I think men have rights to like a... You know, it's not problematic to have... some male-only spaces where you can, like, let loose. Yeah. Yeah, and at the bottom of the mariana trench, it's for the boys.

That's where there was five, that billionaire, you could see the Titanic. That was all blokes, wasn't it? Yeah, it felt like every man, he was a billionaire, but somehow every man cave he went to, eventually a woman would turn up. What are you doing in there? This is fucking... It's dinner time, yeah? Fuck it, he moves to another one.

Oh, all right. He's at the top of the, fucking Himalayas, still, so... How the fuck do you get here? Down to the bottom of the ocean. Where all the ugly fish are. Yeah. And where they found, actually, that's where they found Gorbachev. It was during this, they actually, it was so deep down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were so deep. They went, oh, who's that? Hang on.

And if this was a film about the Cuban Missile Crisis, that kind of like big hook at the end. Yeah. Where you're like, okay, it's all over is when Gorbachev's head appears under. And then you realize, oh, the Russia's still got an ace up their sleeves. Yeah, they got an eggy ace up their sleeve. Yeah. Yeah. So they keep dropping depth charges, trying to get them to go to the surface. I don't really understand that bit.

But they drop it near it to try and... Yeah. Just like warning them. And it's so hot down there. And so they think that they're under attack. Yeah. In the sub. I mean, it's 50 degrees.

You're so stressed. You're having all these gay thoughts for the first time. And so they don't have the chilled out Kennedy's no stress disorder these guys. So it's really stressful. And then it seems like the captain, Zavitsky. Ballantin-Zovitsky. Considers, I like just considers. Considers end of the world.

It's fucking mad. Considered launching the nuclear torpedo retaliation. It's sort of like, you know when you get slapped in the face? Yeah. For like three seconds, you have some mad thoughts. Well, it's more when you get cut up in traffic. I always, I always have this thing where I'm like, I'm going to get out of the car. I'm going to get out of the car and walk over to him and scream in his face.

And I never do it, obviously, but the rage, considers, launching them. Which I just think is the wrong use of considerate. Okay, let's have a pros and cons list. Nuclear torpedo. According to Soviet protocol, three officers on board needs to agree to authorise its use, right? So, yeah, once again, it's kind of like traitors. You've got to get a majority. Yeah, you've got to get a roundtable, yeah.

While Savitsky and the political officer agreed, Vassil Arquipov. The submarine seconding command refused to consent. I could have dissent prevented Sounds like you're saying words backwards That's actually a KFC That's the KFC menu There's a bargain bucket down in the

Yeah Descent prevented the launch Averting a potential new So yeah One guy basically Said nah He was the only guy with a cool head But I also think

And I don't know if we have it here But I think there was also Signalling issues So They couldn't get any signal down there Well there was a miscommunication But I think they I thought

Maybe I'm wrong that they were signalling... Maybe you're wrong, that's not... No chance. No, I don't think so. They were signaling to launch the nuclear torpedo. Yeah. But one of the guys who was on the signal,

it's like a light thing, right, was just kind of... Epileptic. Just fucked it. And it just didn't come across. Well, you know what they put... So the Americans, what they had was they were like,

right, so we can't have this firing accidentally, so we're going to have the code on the missiles, like on the actual missiles themselves. But obviously, if we need to launch them, we need to launch them fast. So the code's just eight zeros in a row. Really? Yeah, yeah.

It's just like the weakest password ever. But also, you want to stop having it accidentally. If you slip, you could easily do... Because then I imagine it's you can't hold it down, can you? Yeah. You need to tap them by that. Yeah. But there's also a thing...

Yeah, the US Navy began dropping... The password laptop 1, 2,3. Yeah, so the US Navy began dropping non-lethal debt charges. There's a signal to surface. That's what it is. It's a signal to come up. Which I feel like as a signal... It's quite aggressive signal, isn't it?

A signal, is it otherwise... Because it's like the plane guys saying go this way, but instead you're launching bombs. Is it like when police are doing a traffic diversion? Yeah, because they just chucked grenades. They're hazy you with bullets. Not this way. This road's closed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's also a thing where this nearly happens in the submarine, but you two are flying over the island and they get shot down. And then another you two plane... Blind and line. walk on and then the Russian guys it's really bad

bomb them there's a moment where a YouTube plane gets like hit is flying so low that it gets hit not with a missile but with like an anti-aircraft

gun by Cuban and the pilot just about manages to get it back to its base in Florida if that plane had crashed we wouldn't have any of the U2's albums

we would have none of the U2's albums just think about that that terrible. Bono would have done none of his charity work. All those Africans would still be starving. The world

put on the brink. The world put on the brink. Humanity, seconds away from never healing. Children in Africa held their breath as Bono nearly. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, so, but basically because at that point, Kendi had gone, if you shoot down on the plane, where we're going for it. So it's only because that pilot managed to get U2's back catalogue to

safety. It does see that Kenny's the only guy who doesn't want nuclear war at this stage. It's because he wants to keep fucking everyone. Yeah. Yeah. It's all of these kind of like ugly autistic guys who are like, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. I'm actually having a good time. I'm actually, I'm enjoying life. I've got 30 side pieces. I've filled my

cabinet with McDonald's items. It's these old suicidal guys who are like, well, I'm not going to live much longer. Let's just fucking end at all. I'm ugly anyway. I'm hot and I'm 40 and I'm president. I've got loads of I'm fucking mad at my road. Khrushchev is like, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to die

in the next 20 years. Yeah. So, anyway, so I think that's the closest it comes to actual annihilation. And then the thing is that Khrushchev so the negotiation, they respond to the first letter, the big concession, well, you've got to give Khrushchev something,

right? You've got to see how does this look for the other guy, has he got an out? But it's true. But it's also, this is what you have to do with Putin with Ukraine. Got to give him an out. You've got to give him something that you can sell, as a victory. He's not going to give up otherwise.

No. So I don't know what you could give him. What country? Do you want to give him Israel? Or would that make him more of a mess? Fucking hell. You want to give Putin Israel? See what happens?

Oh, no. It was the first. I don't know. You come up with better ideas. I'd say something like fucking fruity, like Tajikistan or something. Yeah. I mean, you probably could take that if you wanted it.

I don't know. What about the middle of Australia? You know the little block where no one lives? Yeah. That's just the state of Russia. You just got to give him something. Yeah, you have to give him something, don't you?

yeah um and so what kennedy does is he says i'm going to remove the carpets from turkey i'll say the but he doesn't make that public yes so he he he publicly responds to the first letter which was secret and privately agrees to the second letter which was public that's what he does very clever um but again he's able to have this uh clarity of thought because he is literally orgasming 30 times a day he's the only guy who's not like i got balls for filled with come. Yes. Let's just fucking...

Everyone else is like, let's just fuck it her! Do you honest? Yeah. Because he comes so much, he doesn't have that sort of psychosexual desire to explode. Yes, which he does in Dallas in 1963. All of these hawkish generals

haven't come for ages. They hang it with men. Boys. You know, Chris. Easy. Easy. Cruzev hasn't come either.

These great generals. You know, these guys, they're just, they're so desperate. They don't realize it's because they haven't come in ages. But they're also coming to so long that they're like, the thought of just the big missile just blowing up everywhere. I just don't know why. I just want to do it. I can't stop thinking.

I don't know why. Yeah, it's like they keep watching those films where as a man goes into a woman, a rocket blasts off and then they like, oh, well, these get so. And Chris Shev, because of his, he's a profound post-nuck clarity, everything's in slow motion. Kennedy, you mean? Kennedy. Everything is in slow motion. Chris shot pre-nut aggression.

So I imagine it, everything's still for Kennedy. Everything else is in slow motion. All these, you know, McRibb, McChickenburger, right? The bullets are bulls. They're all like this. And he's just completely still and has a moment. He's just flicking the bullets away. He picks the missile up and just flicks him back to Krushchev.

And yeah. So October 28th, Krishchev announces over radio in Moscow that the Soviet Union will dismantle the missile sites in Cuba. This is like Radio 1 breakfast show in Moscow, right? Yeah. So this is like the Chris Moore show. Greg James. Greg James comes on. We've got a guest.

Morning, guys. We've got a really great guest. Nikita Khrushchev. What are you got to tell us, Khrushchev? The missiles will not dismantle this side. The pointless contestants will come home empty-handed. But they still get a pointless trophy for their work.

and that basically ends the crisis and one of the lasting effects well it doesn't end the crisis I mean they still you know things will get uglier literally for the Soviets and I think I think it's safe to say is this probably the ugliest

is the Cold War the ugliest war what of members yeah we're the leaders I mean Kennedy's the one I'm an English Civil War which would be doing it Yeah, that's pretty ugly. Because it's England versus England.

Yeah, that's ugly squares. Yeah, you're right, actually. You know what I mean? That's an ugly off. The colonial campaigns, they're normally all over the world with much beautiful women. Yeah, of course. Sri Lanka. Well, there's that thing about how the, supposedly the most beautiful women come from countries

where they've been invaded a lot and there's lots of different genes. So it's like Middle Eastern women, Persian women. They're like a mix. of different, like Italian and European. But then you go to the Highlands and Scotland. They've not been invaded. They've resolutely. Any country that's like, we've never been evaded,

you're like, well, you can tell. You can fucking tell. Stop telling everyone, mate. Yeah, yeah. I think maybe it's embarrassing. Maybe a little bit of fucking maybe a few invading armies would do wonders.

Ukrainian women. Yes. They're famously very attractive women. They're getting rolled over Russian. Constantly. Constantly. Yeah. That is true. But that kind of ends the crisis. But the cold, the cold, ugly war will continue.

East Germans are still trying to get into Bergheim. They're being shot. Being shot at the gates. No, that's why the bouncer are so strict. Yeah. It's because they're actually guards on a tower shooting them. Yeah, so as the Bergheim bouncer are on the East Berlin, that's where they go to the wall.

That's the war. Though they're on the towers, shooting East Berliners. Sausage Fest. Please, I want to, I want to come in. Not Vering Black. It's the only row. There's no photo. Anyway, so the Cold War will continue.

Things will get much uglier, but that's for another time. The lasting effect of the Cuban Missile Crisis is that they install a phone, direct phone. Yeah, the big thing to come out of it... They can do Chinese accents to each other over the phone. Yeah, but to be fair, like again, like I think I'd be able to work this out at the time.

Yeah. It's easy with retrospect. Just get a phone. Do you know what I mean? But like, you think... That seems obvious now, but at the time I probably would have been like well the only way we can communicate this is Chinese accent whispers

because no one's pitching the phone idea there's a story about like Kennedy's response to the first letter is because he doesn't want to deliver it whatever normally because it will get leaked to the public he literally gets a UPS boy on a bicycle to deliver it to the ambassador

yeah just like a little boy he gets a courier little boy yeah just like just boss man on the bike just delivery well he's chucking he's doing a paper round Just, just. Anyway, that, I think that concludes the Cuban Missile Crisis. I mean, I don't know why you'd have any questions. We seem to have comprehensively covered it.

We covered it pretty well. Cuban Missile Crisis, tick. If you'd like a bonus episode, which will land tomorrow on Patreon, then sign up to become a truther. And either way, thanks for listening. We're having a new bonus episode every week on Patreon. Every Friday. And you get ad-free main episodes all at once.

want. Yes. And the patron only ones are pretty wild because we're not subject to any kind of monetisation or anything. Anyway, enough of that. We spread more disinformation. Exactly. Thanks for listening.

Either way, see you next time. Thank you.