Fin vs History - The Great Mongol Wedgie Tour | Genghis Khan (Part 2)

Episode Date: March 27, 2025

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ever, I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Today we're talking about the Lord of the Mongols, Genghis Khan. Don't call him that. It's very rude. Sorry, the, it's a curse. I went to score a sign who he called Lord of the Mongols. There was a whole class of them at my school. Genghis Khan, 800 years ago, the last time Mongolia was culturally relevant at all.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's almost Greek levels how much they've rested on laurels these guys. They've done literally nothing since killing 10% of the world's population. The second part is going to be quite a vague run-through because otherwise it's so easy to get... The last one was far too detailed. It's so easy to get bogged down in cultures and tribes that don't exist anymore. And again, it's all very similar. I repeat, this is essentially Westeros. Mongolia is not really a real place in the way that we understand it. Well, in your imagination, of course it's not. In the way that we'd understand it, it's not really a real place. There's no, there's no cities. Or, I mean, Borat's the only thing you're holding on to. It's basically, it's between Borat and China is this country that's essentially the Asian whales.

Sure. Yeah. So it's, if you're wondering how Mongolian, I mean, you just did an example of Mongolian throat singing. Whereas I would say, are you right? Are you choking? A Mongolian person would cry at how beautiful that was. Right. And then I would also, if I had someone say that, I would say that's definitely Lord of the Mongols right there.

Yeah, that guy's one of the Mongols. He's a real mouth breather. So if you're wondering where Mongolia is, it's in between Yitz-Mash, I like, and shush-shah, shosh, shosh, shah, shh, shh, shh, shah, shh. And he is very good, mate. He is very good. So, I mean, you can get a sense of how, I've got no idea how, what a stereotypical Mongolian accent would even be.

Yeah, just, yeah, and it's why you feel, yeah, I'm at sea. You seem less, you know, confident, you feel nervous and skittish. I'm sweating. I don't know. What, what do I call you? all these people. To place this in time. So we're going to,

we've ended the last episode with him basically uniting the Mongol tribes. There's loads of stud that happens, but they're all tribes that we haven't heard of. And he unites them not only by being a great leader, but just his whole way of doing things is completely different. He bins the caste system, the kinship rules. Whenever he captures a new tribe,

he executes all the nobles and basically says to the peasantry or the, you know, common people, you can basically join me if you want. Or I'll kill you, I guess. So it's not really a choice, is it? I guess there's not much of a choice. Wouldn't say he's a progressive genius.

But he gives them right to sort of like citizens of the Mongols in the early stages. So he does give them a good deal. And that's how he grows to become. And so from this, from this small area that was where the Mongol tribes came from, now kind of what modern Mongolia is, he has united. That shining city on the hill. Yeah. Modern Mongolia, yeah.

Yeah. Of which we all go. But to places, this is about 12-06. Yeah. So what's happening in the world? just been declared chenghis khan his name's tamogen but he's now he's had chenghis khan which means universal ruler um even though that universe at this time is just modern day mongolia yeah um so what's a 1206 all right so it's after the invention of the hat yes the mongols are wearing hats

but i this is a risky one okay just literally just before the invention of the glasses tight one we've had glasses before we haven't we well no no no no because glasses were around and they weren't around

in the first crusades they yes fuck just so 80 years 80 years before the invention of the glasses

although what I will say is the invention of the glasses there's going to be a lag before that reaches Mongolia these guys haven't invented cities yet yeah

yeah exactly so Charlie when my glasses invented to Mongolia and also they're kind of like maybe Mongolians are maybe the least nerdy

on the least nerdy cultures in the world, like as far from glasses as you could possibly get. If they saw someone with glass, God, for God, spare, the first person to walk into Mongolia wearing glasses. Yeah, because none of these guys are getting wedgied. These guys are purely the wedgiest, right?

Culturally, they are as far on the spectrum of to be wedgied and not to be. Yeah. Jenghis Khan has wedged more people in history than have ever been wedgis. Who's the most wedgeable culture? You know, in a historical sense. That's a good point, actually.

Yeah. Because if Mongols on one end. Who's the most, excuse me, as a culture, do you mean? Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. I guess. I mean, you'd have to say parts of Victorian Britain. I was thinking Britain.

Yeah, because you've got like a lot of people nosing around in places they shouldn't. Yeah. I think you'll find. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, modern day China and India have a lot of that, I think.

Yeah. A lot of wedgible nerds. India's quite wedgible. Yeah. I'd like to wedge you. of India's. Canada, modern-day Canada. Oh, Canada's a one big wedge.

New Zealand are begging for a wedgy. Yeah. New Zealand have not got a bum crack, just of how hard they've been wedgis. Yeah. I guess, I guess Mongolia in the 13th century is the polar opposite to present-day Canada. Do you remember when Trudeau corrected a,

this was like, I think this is the zenith of wokeness. You know, it feels like a lot of stuff coming back now but maybe if we look back up the mountain top was maybe around 2015 just before Brexit when Trudeau was having this kind of I don't know he was doing some sort of speech to uni student this yeah have you seen this

no is this is pre pre Trudeau Blackface this pre before it came out yeah yeah yeah yeah is the love that's going to change the future of mankind so we'd like you to we'd like to say people kind not necessarily mankind because it's more inclusive There we go, exactly. The absolute stones of this guy to do that when he knows he's blacked up in the past.

I mean, like, you make those kind of swings when you know there's photos of you in, not even like a bit blackface, like big black face, shoe polish blackface, like minstrel stuff. What I loved about the blackface, which I know, is one came out and he was like, look, it was a mistake. It was a one-time thing. I smoked marijuana. It was Halloween when I was like 18. It was a different time. And then like three or four separate occasions.

Oh man, it's so bad. I've just seen, I hadn't actually seen it in color. That is, oh, that one's so. The hands as well. Like anyone else is doing it. It's not like that was part of the. No one else is doing it. He's done his hands.

I think that's when you can say. But also it's Arabian Nights and he's gone, he hasn't gone brown. He's gone shoe polish black. What, hang on. What, is that, that's him with some guys in turbans. What, are they doing a brown face? No, I think they're just, I think they're Indian.

I think they're Indian. Oh, dear. Yeah. Historically, Trudeau is, you know, as far away from Changes Khan as you can yet. Let's remove the morality for a second. Yeah. You've got to say it's one of the most complete black faces you'll ever see. Yeah.

In terms of as blacking up goes. Four hours in the makeup chair. You'd go. You'd go. Matt Lucas. The goat are blacking up. Yeah. Matt Lucas.

then you probably go Trudeau Yeah Then the fuck what's he called Mickey Rooney Yeah Well it's funny how Well it's come fly with me to 2010 Yeah but there's this is an amazing video

Which I maybe they take on the internet You know when they do like Slightly Smug promotional Content for a film or something About how long you've been in the makeup chair That's like a classic thing Like the Orks and Lord the Rings It'll show it's been eight hours in the makeup chair

And there's that time lapse And it's nearly always to do With promotion of the film They did that for Matt Lucas's black face. Now, people in the media being accused of blackface is nearly always trying to hide it.

You're trying to scrub all those pictures of. You know, even the Trudeau blackface, that is a grainy black and white photo, you know, of his black face. The fact that in 2012,

when was come down with me? 2013. Yes. Like, there is a 4K well edited time lapse of him slowly doing something that probably would have ended, should have ended his career.

But do you know what it is, though? It's the, I guess it's the, production value. I guess blackface with production value is more acceptable than DIY blackface. Well, is it much like when you did accurate Chinese accents from different, you know, you split in between Korean, Japanese, Chinese, if it was less racist because it wasn't, you won't just throwing a blanket on over the whole region, you know.

Well, that was more of an exploration of phonics. Sure. Your Honor, if I might please the phonics card. I think, I think the idea about Trudeau blacking up is that he's, done it himself yeah and he's done it comprehensively yeah he is he doesn't have a team doing it no no he has he's shoe polished his face and his hands yeah and he's prime minister of can and then he's saying people splain yeah i mean people kind of people splain people spaining stop mansplaining yeah because surely people kind mankind that then goes for everything people spreading yeah

please close your legs low stop stop woman spreading oh that's is great you can just get a great selection of Trudeau. Yeah. It was just a great time. Trudeau's the high watermark of like of work politics. Yeah. But him at the front of like a climate change rally. And it's like if the prime minister's leading the governmental rallies, something's gone

wrong. You're in charge, lad. You should be the one that they're rallying too. They're walking to you to tell you to do something. And that's a really conniving trick. Yeah, it's a tree. I'm in front of the rally. Yeah.

Now it's like, well, who are we doing? We can fucking do something about it, you plonker. that's probably why there's no good Canadian drill. Do you know the music genre of drill? Yes, I'm aware of it. Yeah. I can't say that I'm listening to it in the car. I do think for all of the problems the UK has,

the circumstances, the inequality does mean that you have a good drill culture. You can do like... It's one of the upsides. Yeah, and I think in places like Canada and New Zealand that you'd struggle to get good drill music videos out of that. scenes. I'd say the music in New Zealand. You need to have a lot of racial and class tension. There is a little racial tension in New Zealand. In New Zealand and Canada probably be in the wokenest countries because of the comprehensiveness of their genocide. Yes. Yeah.

It means that they can be. Robust. But even what Canada is funny now is like with all this Trump stuff is they just have no identity. That's what so because they are just like another America. Yes, they've always been that, though. Or a mix between America with a bit more British, they grew up on a bit more British TV. Yeah. Like they know what Postman Pat is. Yeah.

But that's not enough to hang an identity on. No. Do you know what I mean? Which I think Canada should just make themselves more really distinct from America, you know? I don't know how, but just, like, it's like when you go to Birmingham, right? And in the bull ring,

they've put Peaky Blinders outfits on the Bull in the Bullring. And it's like, this is as close to identity as you've got. It's Peaky Blinders. Yeah. There's nothing else. No, because you've got villa and you've got Birmingham, which is the most beige of all Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But anyway, we're not, this is not Finn versus Canada. Canada is very much the Birmingham of the planet. So Justin Trudeau is the opposite of Jenghis Khan, who we're saying. Now, he becomes Lord of the Mongols, which, now that you wouldn't say that nowadays. You'd say that he runs the Sunshine Bus.

So, Chingis Khan is driving the Sunshine Bus. He becomes Lord of the Mongols, 1206. yeah and then he invades so many different places the jinn dynasty of northern china is the big one china at the time are the most sophisticated and powerful country in the world probably it's where the most like pioneers of technology science and it's it's interesting i did one of the facts i did actually manage to hang on to in this impenetrable sea of gibberish yeah is that if gunpowder is very nearly being invented at this point. If gunpowder had been any earlier,

the Mongol Empire may not have happened. Because the whole, we'll get into this, I imagine, in this episode, but the reason the Mongols are so deadly is they've got fucking loads of horses and a composite bow. Gunpowder's invented,

well, it's definitely not the 9th century, I mean. But it's interesting that they were initially seeking the elixir of life, but they're selling that as like when Fleming discovered Penicillian. because he'd left a mouldy sandwich out. Yeah. They're like someone's on the quest for the elixir of life and they discover gunpowder.

That's what they're saying. They just said that. They said they were searching for the elixir of life and they accidentally found the main cause of death for the last thousand years. Earlier's documented gunpowder in what we'd now consider a gun was 1280s. Was it in the Mongol held Manchuria? So like 80 years earlier,

the Mongols may not have done what they do now. Mongols were here for a good time, not a long time and you'll see this with their empire, right? It burnt quick. They have a good time. They have a fucking good time. And then they retreat back into being what Mongolia is now. And they just go, I'm fucking exhausted.

I'm going to sleep. Well, they're doing a bit of that as well. They never stopped doing that. So China is this really complicated, sophisticated culture. But they get wiped away by the horse riding, terrifying Mongols. And a lot of the things that come through is that the Mongols have united. And Genghis Khan is a great uniting force. in a way and a lot of their enemies

the big mistake the reason why the Mongols never really get defeated in this 200 year period is that the infighting between the places that they're invading they are just happy to see their their neighbour get fucked and they never put two and two together

that if they're united against the Mongolians who'd stop them it was more like it's always just they're brilliant it's your name yeah it's seeing like I don't know your neighbours shed fall down or something there's a do you know what I mean like

the fact that the Mongols are destroying your neighbour they're like brilliant i always hated those cunts not thinking about what it might come to me it's more the neighborhood WhatsApp group yeah and when you start a new WhatsApp group to say aren't them at 54 are fucking idiots aren't they always talking about the pub quiz or whatever then you don't realize that they're probably bitching about how smelly your bins are exactly and it's you know a lot of hubris our rubbish bin i mean our rubbish bin gets collected uh fortnightly which i think is a disgrace right given that we're a family of four and there are nappies involved and recently in one of the last storms

the lid blew off the black bin so essentially our front garden's an open sewer is like yeah an aggressive Bobby Sands we have Bobby Sands as it is our black bin I can only imagine what people on the street are saying about us this probably think we're disgusting what fucking flinging

shitting shitting we do fling them out of the window into it just mean now that at least you can you can change a napi in the top floor and then you can out of the bedroom window you can hurl a bagged nappy. Have you getting better at your arms getting better? My three pointers are going up. Yeah, right, right, right, right.

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for SLOR Stellis Lenses at your child's next visit. Anyway, so he invades China. So in the field, they're great. What they struggle is when they come around to cities with walls, all they can do is starve them out, right? Because they're just in a horseback. And this is when they kind of learn to become one of the most devastating siege forces in the world,

of all time, in some people, say. Like a really nerdy podcast where I think Dan Carlin went on the rest is history, right, to have an autism of. they were talking about like who would you most like to get who would you least like to get siege by and the three big ones with the Assyrians, Romans and the Mongols I think the Mongols were the most Who would you least like to get siege by

And every pussy in the country just drives up immediately Yeah Who do you like who do you Top three were sieges Every pussy gets starved out by an encirclement Much like these sieges Yeah Beijing's the biggest city in the world at this point

But it gets captured and destroyed by the Mongols. This seems to happen a lot. They destroyed the Persians. Now, is this, because there was a thing I heard that was interesting where when they,

is it Beijing, which at this point is the Jin capital and it's called Zhongdu. Yeah. How would you pronounce it? Jong-do.

I'd say that. John-Doo. The Zhong-dos and John-Don'ts of this period. The John-Dos and John-Dots. Yeah. They kill so many people that the ground

there's like is greasy from human fat yeah is that this one uh i think that's probably the work that Beijing's not the one of the Chinese one of the Chinese ones probably that was the worst well no because that's that's Persia isn't it but but in the Chinese probably i mean most anytime they they

massacre a city it's pretty much like that yeah and they're just killing everyone in the city yeah basically he seems to always uh give them an option to surrender and if you surrender you don't get kills yeah but if you don't he will kill every single one at you yeah um i mean he does for this period he does try and get mao numbers i mean mao did it he did a lot of like passive income uh massacring do you know what i mean like he had investment accounts where it was slowly accumulating death

it's all offshore yeah where changers is out there getting his hands dirty yeah that's true so the bagdeb was actually by his uh sons and stuff like the people after him uh but murv which is once again, a city, a huge city of an empire that has come and gone, who no one's remembered, called the Quarazimian Empire, potentially the Schwama Empire. The Shwama Empire. Yeah, Chicken Chwama.

Potentially 1.3 million people died and the city has never recovered. It's a shame. So a lot of the reason why we don't know these cities is because they were like so fully leveled that they are gone from history. They're also in the most pointless part of the world. Now.

But so I read the book, The Silk Road by Peter Franco Pan, which is one of my favorite history books, it basically recenters the world around this region. I mean, this is kind of when the Silk Road, that central bit ended, and the beginning of the Borat State started was because of Genghis Khan. I like. But at this point, you know, we're thick mouth breathers at this point. We're backwater, you know.

This is where all the biggest cities, the Silk Road all runs through here. So they're all rich on this huge trade that's going from east to west, and they're right in the middle. What's the western end point of the Silk Road? Is it in Ukraine? Are you China? No, Western. It would actually be Venice and Genoa.

Right. So that's going from northern Italy. That's the route that the Silk Road would enter into Europe, right? And the Silk Road is like caravans, by that I mean like camels and horses. Transporting Silk from China. I mean, it's called the Silk Road, but it's all trade, right? It's all the sort of luxury goods that have basically exploded all these things. Chinese take away.

Take away. You watch the hats. The deliveries going through Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan, whatever. Yeah. And it's just these long routes of trade that spread ideas. It's how the Muslim empire, the ideas of that spread along the Silk Roads and stuff. And am I right in thinking that when the Byzantine Empire falls in like the 1450s

and Constantinople falls? To Mehmet, I think. That then sort of cuts off the Silk Road and that's what forces the Europeans to go west to try and get around and that's where they discover the Americas. And yeah, I mean, this is on the turning point. So this is obviously, when you think of Jenghis Khan, you don't really think of the Middle Ages

because I don't, I'm never thinking about Jenkins Khan. Yeah, you never think about, no, no. But when you think of the Middle Ages, you think of, I'm never thinking about that either. An English guy with a shit haircut, right? Yeah. You don't really think about what's going on at Asia at the time. Yeah.

But as we talked about in the First Crusade episode, Europeans are thickos. Yeah. The golden age of Islam is happening. Yeah. China's super sophisticated. are fully so ahead of Europe because basically

Jenghis Khan and the Mongols acted as a forest fire it just ends the Islamic golden age that ends probably because of Jenghis Khan because his sons or his after him his commanders destroy Baghdad which is the center of Islamic learning

and they so comprehensively destroy that potentially a million people die there as well in Baghdad yeah and there's only like five cities in the world that have around that many people anyway It's like the biggest city in Europe has like a 30,000 people. A million people are getting massacred. And the library at Baghdad gets destroyed,

which was one of the biggest libraries that's ever been collected and it's all burnt to the ground. So it is like these sport bro jocks destroying the nerds. He's going around on a giant wedgy tour. You know, the Islamic Golden Age, these are scholars who have collected great libraries of all human, kind of achievement and, you know, cerebral scrolls, right? Yeah.

And it's a bunch of bullies from an American high school film. Frat Bros. Yeah, they're bad at school. They're good at, you know, playing football, but they see a guy with the glasses and they're wedging him. They're just going around doing that. Yeah, because their dad's called You're also gay and they can't get over the fact that they've been bullied their entire childhood

because they've got a gay dad. And then they're going and just obliterating everyone. But it's said that basically because the Mongols cut the legs out from the Chinese Empire, the Islamic Golden Age, Persia, completely fuck up Persia, that's partly what gives Europe a huge step up. Yeah. Right. Because Asia's just all, they're completely, you know, taking their legs out from underneath them. I see.

Right. But yeah, so it's the Silk Road that he kind of like just, the Golden Age of the Silk Road is ended because of him as well. And I loo like the idea that a city is called Merv as if it's some bloke. from the west country. Merv. Right, Merv. Merv. Yeah, it doesn't sound very exotic.

The siege of Merv sounds just like a farming incident, right? Yeah, it sounds like Merv, there's been a burglar in Gloucestershire. Been a burglar in Gloucestershire and Merv has got a gun and he's locked, he's barricaded his house. It's like Rau-Mote. Yeah, it's basically, the Mongol Mowrook. He also destroys a city called Rau Mote as well. He kills a million people there. Yeah.

During the Mongol Quartz of the Quarazimian Empire, which I think Trama Empire, which is a the Persian Empire. Yeah. It's a new... It's a Muslim Persian Empire. The historic accounts contend that Merv's entire population.

Oh, I know. What? Merv also formerly knows Alexandria. Is that the Great Library of Alexandria? Or is that in Greece? No, that's a different one. Oh, Christ.

Because there's a lot of cities called Alexandria because he just named loads of cities after himself. Alexander the Great, was it? Right. So there's Alexander... That Alexandria is in the Nile Delta.

So Alexander the Great called this one, Alexandria. Yeah. And then... He called Merv... dominated it. Yeah. And they called it Merv.

Yeah. It's part of the reason why the numbers are so big, even though the cities weren't that populated, is all the towns would gather inside the city walls and then they'd just all be absolutely obliterated. Now, the Shah Mohammed, who's the ruler of the Shwama Empire, now Shwama Empire is not the Kabab House at the bottom of my road. It's a massive empire in northern Iran, Barat regions.

What they did with it, he went on the run. Right. When the Mongol, because the Mongols were like torching cities. And he was like, it was like Benny Hill. He was running away just to the last minute. Yeah. Did a little, right. Yeah.

When they did find him, what they do is to, for his punishment and not surrendering, Genghis Khan melts down a load of silver. Yeah. And gets it to a thousand degrees, like hot, and pours it into his mouth, his ears, his eyes, and his ass. I wouldn't like that. Now, that might be one of the death methods that maybe is a nighter, never feels good. yeah because the normal mongal way of killing like a leader of a foreign tribe

is you would boil them in a massive pot like a stew pot lovely make a stock yeah but that's one of the methods where for a little bit it's a lovely bath yeah it's a nice point oh yeah that's good stop it there now turn the flames off

but I do think molten silver is never good at any point not through the mouth if you're not surrendering yeah I don't know how people haven't learned that you should surrender to Jenghis Khan basically. But it's a very similar story

all of these places. We don't know they exist because he destroyed them entirely. Oh yeah. So with In Nishapur, which is modern day Iran, Iran seems to get a lot of his got a lot of his shit.

They attacked the city. They hurled fireballs. Again, because this is a fantasy novel that might be a genuine fireball like Hadoon. Yeah, yeah. Hadookin's probably the name

of a fit woman in Mongolia, Porter and Hadoquan. A quarter of a million large stones at the defences. Nishipur falls and then bloody house-to-house fighting ensued inside.

So they get into the city and they just, they literally just kill everyone. Kill everyone. And then they behead everyone. And this is quite nice. Yeah, this is a nice touch. They organise the skulls

into skulls for men, skulls for women, skulls for children. Well, I feel that's a bit, I don't know, heteronormative. The idea of... Yes, it is quite.

Yeah. Again... Is it not? It is quite cis normative. Yeah. So I think you'd, I'd put the people's scholars together in a non-binary pile. Yeah. But again, Chingus Khan, his views on gender...

Are quite... I don't think he'd get a job of the Guardian. I also think... I mean, although weirdly, Mongolia, you know, know, it's a big field. Yeah. So it is one big gender neutral toilet. Fine.

Because you could just piss wherever you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So also, Jenghis Khan, because this is becoming an empire, and he builds a capital in the middle of Mongolia. Which is-and-this capital is really bizarre, right? So obviously he needs a centre for the power to run the whole empire from. Yeah. But he hates cities and love tents. So he thinks people in cities are like urban,

disgusting rats basically. He thinks it's completely unhygienic and barbaric, even though he's shitting in a field. He's shitting in a field and he's drinking horse milk to get pissed. Yeah, but I mean, I mean, you think you might potentially move out to the countryside at some

point, you know? Yeah, I'm not moving to the fucking Mongolian step though. So Kara Koro. Karkoom. Karakur which is what, in Afghanistan, is it? No, that's the capital of the Mongolian Empire. It's in Mongolia, right? Right. So this place doesn't exist anymore. Oh, okay.

It was a temporary, right, capital of the Mongolian Empire that he set up to be the seat of power. Right. So it was kind of a tent city with some semi-permanent buildings. Like the tent city in L.A.? Yeah. And that's the center of this empire. Yeah.

Because it's so off the beaten track, like the Silk Road doesn't go through it, he tries and so that his, you know, his sons and stuff to force all the merch. to go through it's like when we're trying to stop the monopoly of London in British TV they're moving

headquarters Oh they move channel four to Leeds yeah yeah and it's like it just means everyone's having to get a train there yeah because everyone's like well I'm not moving to Leeds I've got kids

yeah I don't want to bring my kids up in Leeds I'm middle class here yeah so he and because of the power of Jenghis Khan while he's still alive and the power of the Mongolian Empire

for about 100 years it manages to just about They bend the roads through there and it still becomes like a sort of centre and he has this sophisticated postal system where, which is weird. Oh yeah, he invents the post office. Basically.

Yeah. Because how else are you going to keep this the largest continuous land empire of all time around? What we should also talk about is the actual like reason that he was so effective. Yeah. Which was that the Mongols were faster than anyone else. because they would ride.

Now, I can't quite visualize this, but they would have like 10 horses. Every person would have five horses. Right. And they'd ride one. Oh, and then as soon as one gets tired, they'd hop on. But then what I don't understand

is what happens to that horse because they're still riding. So I don't know where, there must be like a, like all the tired horses coming up from behind. Is it? And then what they do is they would.

Does a horse tire far less quickly if you don't have someone in your back though? maybe i don't know so they're riding a horse right and then no charlie that's not a good google that's not a good google genghis can't have a favorite horse so he's riding his horses they're riding their horses and there's like five so there's there's five horses to every mongol right and then what they'd also do is they'd get uh they'd kill a horse when he got a bit too shit and then they'd hang the meat on the horse all day so that it dried and it tendered right and it turned so then they could basically eat jerky

rather than having to light fires when they camped and give away their positions to the enemy. So you're riding and you put raw meat under your saddle. Sometimes they'd even just cut a vein in the horse and drink its blood and they carry on. Yeah. Which is insane. I mean that's like

drinking petrol out of a car rather than stopping at a service station. I'll just put a tube in the fuel tank and I'll just suck. I'm thirsty. So rather than stop, I'm going to just drink petrol. But themes that are merging through this podcast when his like people dominate, it's like either nerds taking over with superior cultures or it's mad cunts coming out of the woods who are just doing shit that no one would ever dream of doing.

These are the first like Rogan optimizers. In that like you're camping, you're traveling 10 last day, I've got five horses. Yeah. When I get tired, I kill it and eat it. You're getting drunk on beer. I'm drinking the fucking horse milk. Like these guys are the first incarnation of some of the most boring. podcasters in the world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they'd also do is they, when they were low, when they didn't have that many people in their army, they would hang like tree branches to their horses so that their tails would thwack the branches and the dust. And it would create this huge dust cloud. Yeah. Which would make people overestimate their numbers and run away.

Yeah, truly terrifying. I think as far as an army I wouldn't want to face, I think these would be some of the most terrifying looking fellas as well. The conjuring left rights. On September 5th. I come down here with you. Array! Array!

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to find out more or to match with a TD Small Business Banking Account Manager. So it obviously cannot, it's clear why this empire ended. Like it was never going to last that long. it's like a tent it's been run by through a tent city a stagdo has to end at some point yeah yeah um and also because of they don't have like a strong like civilizing mission clearly or like a culture that they're trying to they just kind of become the culture of the cities that they conquer but they also take they take people they like basically if you're like an artisan if you can do something then they take you in right it basically can't cannot maintain as this one huge thing so after Genghis Khan dies, it sort of breaks into like four different parts. There's the Chinese part

that becomes the Juan dynasty that becomes like a just one of the many dynasties of China, but it's with a Mongol noble line, basically. That's like 200 years in the Juan dynasty. Rit ruled by Kubla Khan. You heard the name Kubla Khan? No. Okay. I have a mortgage. Yeah, fair enough. Then there's a Persian one called the Ilkan. Then there's a golden hoard. Do you know about the golden hoard? So that's the, that's the Western side. That's like Russia, Ukraine. That's the Trump video, isn't it? And from the Golden, yeah, and from the Golden Horde comes the Black Death. Those people bring the Black Death with them. Rats. Yeah. So not only have they already done all that shit, but they literally bring disease-filled rats. There's a theory that the Mongols caused the Black Death, isn't

there? Because they, oh, because they're eating rodents. Yeah. Well, it's also like their their body's so different to the Europeans because of how they live, they're not going to get ill on the same things. But they bring rodents to eat them. Yeah. So they bring, when they come into Europe, they just bring all their fruity shit.

So it's clear why that falls apart. But I do think the stands now are kind of quite funny. Yeah. So the borat countries, as they're known by me. Kyrgyzstan. How many can you name? Uzbekistan, Tajikistan. Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan.

Is that a full house? That might be a full house. There are seven. You put an extra one in. I added Pakistan. Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan. Yeah. The term Stan comes from Persian and means...

It doesn't mean massive fan. No, it doesn't mean that. No. It's not based off the M&M's Eminem song, Stan. No. It doesn't have featured. Dido. No.

This is not a country full of people who love Tajiki, whatever that is. Is it a dip? Yeah. Oh, the... Tatsiki.

Tatsiki. Yeah. I've moved to Tzikistan, to be fair. I fucking love that shit. Yeah. It's good shit. Yeah.

It's a bit like border, but it's got cucumber in it. And it's hard to distinguish these guys. But so Uzbekistan has like cities like Samakand, which are still like have amazing silk roads, like mosques and stuff.

And again, what's frustrating here? is that you've got Afghans, Kazakhs, Uzbeks, Turks, Tajikis, and then Pakistanis. Yeah. You really have to say

the full one with that one. Do you think it's because we just don't have huge immigration from these countries that there's like the English racist hasn't come up with anything for them? Well, they're borats.

Because in Russia, all of the racism, the active racism, their big racism is against these guys. Is it? That's like the Russian thing. That's the anti-immigration. So if I met a Russian,

I'd get on with them. Yeah, you'd start sliding off people these fuckers are mad, don't they? Yeah, yeah. So this is that they shit,

they shit on these guys all the time. Right. Kind of like. Yeah. Yeah. Because a lot of the immigration

coming into Russia doing kind of low level jobs are from these kind of. But it's like trying to punch air, isn't it? I mean, having to go to Tjiki stuff.

Like, what is it? I saw a TikTok of a guy that went to one of these countries. It was the one entirely made of white marble that city. Basically,

one of the mad, failed state rulers that no one's checking on because I guess they don't have enough resources to anyone to give a fuck about these guys are like just doing whatever the fuck they want and no one's talking about it

he rebuilt this whole city made of white marble and all the cars like I think one color yeah you can only have a white like a white Prius that's it every car's an Uber and apparently like

how do you catch an Uber in Ashkabat what do you do they're just freeballing it Charlie can you Google what life is like in Turkmenistan top 10 things to do in Turkmenistan it's a ghost city as well so because it's the way

structure there's not really any like no one there's no center here we go trip advisor 10 best things to do it well we're to see one of the white marble buildings weren't it top attractions oh here we go oh my god is a crater so um carpet carpet museum absolutely look look at when i'm really tizzing out i do spend a lot of time you know i spend a lot of time with google maps don't you yeah yeah on satellite view i love going over these places because you find some absolutely insane stuff because this is the soviet union's backyard these stands right so they already do a lot of fucked up shit in russia but the shit they were doing in the stands is crazy. So obviously in Mongolia,

they're trying to get rid of the memory of Genghis Khan. They're like trying to make them become Soviets, which I think is hot like Mongolians. They don't feel like Soviets to me. But the Darvasa gas crater is like this continuous gas crater that I think has come from some sort of like gas leak type thing. You can basically just go around

and it's like that forever. What, it's just like volcano? Sort of. It's this crater that's always on fire. So it's a gas leak. gas, it's a gas plant that's on fire. Yeah, just forever. Okay.

Because it's releasing gas and it's just always, it's just this permanent fire, right? Then there's a, the RLC, have you heard about this? So due to like a poorly planned diversion of water, basically, one of the biggest seas in the world, the RLC, look how over 20 years. Yeah. So you have like loads of these like, empty like Soviet ships in that RLC that allow like just on like this salt. bed.

Just like abandoned ships. Yeah. Abandoned, yeah. I found there's just scrolling around. It's just looked, it looks fucked. Sorry, so when you say you're scrolling around, are you just, um, you just open up a tab, go on Google Maps. When I'm on the phone to my mom, I need to stim with something. I see.

So it's like subway surfer. Right, but you're just looking at like, like, it's at a light view. I'll just scroll through and just see if I find any weird shit. I found that gas crater, uh, saw this and then I looked into it blew my mind. Um, and they don't really talk. It's like, it's one of the, because when I'm on the worst ecological disaster. of all time. When I'm on the phone to my mum,

I'm just looking up a list of Nazi war criminals where they went and the rat lied and stuff. Yeah. The RFC's dramatic shrinkage is primarily due to the Soviet Union's unsustainable irrigation practices. Specifically, the diversion of the Amu Daria Syria rivers to support cotton farming

and Central Asia's desert steps. So they just completely fucked it and ended up. We really need some kind of boring gong or bell. When you just read out that the RLC shrinkage is to the Soviet Union's unsustainable irrigation practices. practices. We need to get that gong. We need that gong. We've got to get this gong. Yeah. There's also, it might be

Turkmenistan, but one of the insane rulers. So Turkmenistan, I think, is the second most authoritarian country after North Korea. Right. But partly because it's second, people just don't really check into it in the same way. In the North Korea gets all the applauded. But also like you say, North Korea's got nuclear weapons. It borders South Korea, big soft power. I think one of the leaders has made himself into like a god, right? Classic move for despots, right? And they've made like a new like national bible and he's got this like he built this huge statue of the book that he'd written and it it's like there was like a loud speaker of him reading it out and this kind of like uh it's hologram this giant book just turning pages as like he reads out his autobiography

as the new what so he made a book yeah made it a hologram maybe yeah the huge hologram in the center of this one of these cities fuck it hell as if it's like a a bible right But that's what they've become now But at one point They were the send to the Silk Roads And some of those important cities in the world Until Chenghis and there's Chad

So they basically just wedggy They just wedgied all of their shit out of them They wedggy all of the Central Asia stands They wedggy the Iranians Which you would not do now No God no You'd get blown up if you wedged an Iranian now They've probably got monobrows

So I probably would be wedging them At school Yeah but yes at school I would not wedge anyone in Iran No um the women already looked like they had been wedged yeah luckily you're so gay didn't live to see the iranian campaign because he would have been uh you're so gay would not have survived in many countries up until about 1960 if he yeah i mean you also gay if nowadays i guess

would be in bryton or something like that so he ganges khan and his his boys yeah and it is mainly boys uh they they wedgy everyone they wedgy most of china they wedgy they wedgy Iran, Persia, then Genghis Khan dies in August 2027. An old man around his whole family, happily in bed, which is a, you know, you wouldn't expect that for his life to end. Well, that's not what I heard. What? I heard that he was out hunting and that he got bitten by a snake.

Right. And then, and then died. But he died with his whole family around him. And he normally, the lesson is with like a... Not his whole, I mean, he's got a lot. Yeah, I guess so. It's not like hundreds and hundreds of children or whatever. Oh, he's thrown from his horse.

That's what I thought, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so now there is a... He dies at 65 though. Yeah. Is it correct that the... The ball... After they got the grid of the Shwama boys...

Yeah. Some of them... The Shwama brothers. Yes, please, my friend, please. No, please stop an aping and keeling. They, the Mongols take a bit of... Bit of their force off and they basically go. through Ukraine

and at some point they get to the walls of Vienna and they're about to go into Vienna and then Genghis Khan dies or news

of Genghis Khan's dead and they go back if that hadn't happened if he died or they'd heard about him dying a few days later they would have got into Vienna

sacked Vienna I mean what happens no Freud no Hitler no fuck my mom no Hitler no Mozart Hitler would be

Mongol yeah Mong Hitler and he'd hate that he'd hate himself yeah you wouldn't have opera no

which is every cloud tell you what worst place city to act for a good drill scene is probably Vienna Vienna's drill is probably the worst drill

in the world yeah Vienna has less going on than Turkmenistan I think there's less things to do in

in Vienna than there is Turkmenistan yeah you hear Joe Rogan quite often go off about Genghis Khan yeah about

because I guess because he's like he's the Alpha Chad He's the main alpha child in that space. So there's all these stats about how, however, many percent of us. He's got the most baby mummers of all time. Yeah.

Real bad man. He's a real bad man. He's a real bad man. What is it? Is it 30 million people are alive today with his DNA? Yeah. Real bad man. 30 million people.

30 million baby mothers. He's also supposedly between 1,400 and 1,400, there was a dip in carbon emissions. And the only reason they think that. is because Genghis Khan killed so many people. Right, so he's an environmentalist. Yeah, like, he's in Greta's Good book. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Greta Thunberg if she got her act together.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. Genghis Gretta. If Greta Thunberg wasn't being held back, if Greta Thunberg wasn't being held back, if she'd stayed in school a bit longer, then she could have united the people. And we'll finish with the burial place of Genghis Khan. So no one knows where that is. No. And the Soviets were actually.

she looking for it to try and dig it up so no one could find it. No one could find it. It's probably near the mountain he was born, but it said, and this is nearly definitely a myth, that they had 2,000 soldiers who had bury Genghis in a funeral procession, and then they were all killed by another load of soldiers so that no one knew where he was buried. But you know that those soldiers are then also killed? Yes, yeah, yeah. And then the people that kill them, they kill themselves. And then that's done. Then that's done. But couldn't you have the second load just killed themselves?

like I feel the third loaders yeah you'd be a bit annoyed if you were like well can't they just if we can kill ourselves then why don't the first two thousand kill themselves I'd be like I genuinely have no idea where he's buried I promise I would be loudly going What so is he like buried in like

I don't know is he buried in like a Ukraine or something Is it Ukraine? Is it that place Yeah I had no idea No I've got no famously I don't even know where Mongolia is really and I live there What is this place Right so yeah so everyone

Everyone kills themselves Yeah but then surely he's to trick there because surely there's a mass grave right by his burial site. Right, yeah. Because if you're like, bury me here

and then kill yourselves and there's 2,000 of you, then everyone's like, where do those 2,000 people go? He's probably probably buried quite near the that mass grave of people who buried him. That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

You're fucking idiot. And on that, I think we'll end this two-part series on Genghis Khan. If you'd like a bonus episode that's about history that definitely happened maybe rather than a

allegedly fantasy novel of a country that we're not still not clear definitely exists. Please sign up to the patron where for three pounds a month you can become a truther and you'll get early access

to all the series first thing on a Monday morning and you get a bonus episode on a Friday. I don't know what this week's will be It will just be Horatio solo Horatio's solo masterpiece

That solo throat singing That sounds like I'm trying to sign my stuff That's only fan's solo dad content Solo throat singing is something you can pay Bonnie Blue to do probably Anyway, either way Thanks so much for checking in I've been Finn Taylor

This has been a ratio of golden We'll see you next time Thank you.