Fin vs History - The Hiroshima That Turned Vikings Into Latté-Papas | The Great Northern War

Episode Date: July 30, 2026

This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh Um actually, we winter in Ukraine. The Great Northern War (Part Two) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠  Chapters: 00:00 - The Ozempic Economy  05:33 - WhatsApping God 11:55 - Fox Tossing 15:09 - Take Your Pants Off 22:33 - Regional Gang Bang 26:46 - Latte Papa 31:04 - Tom And Jerry Stuff  35:07 - A Generationally Bad Hairline 39:43 - Korean Borat 44:22 - He Volleys It 46:20 - Friendship Hotel 51:00 - Pre-Cranberry Juice  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now streaming on Disney Plus, the Hulu original series Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black, played by Emmy Rossum, on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. New episodes week over week. Watch the Hulu original series Furious, now streaming only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Welcome back to Finnburg's history I'm joined by a race show Grawls Hey up And this

It's the great Northern world It's a great Northern world This is two fat women on a mobility scooters fighting over a Greg steakboat Yes A great A historic war

A war that's still going on up there Yeah About Uber it's the best gravy Oh that's my steak break Oh you've knocked me off my scooter Oh what for a pan in London? And this is the person,

the mayor of which is now the Prime Minister, probably. The mayor of the Great Northern War. It's not the Great War than British War, which is still ongoing. This is the Great Northern War in Eastern Europe, which is foundational to modern-day Eastern Europe. And you might think, who the fuck cares? Good question.

It's a good question, but it's also very interesting. If you've been to these countries, which I have, not for sex tourism. I must stress that. I'm very clear. I've never been a sex tourist. Yes. Whoever says that.

Whoever says that is wrong. The only place I've been to the sex tourism is Surrey. Okay. Which I'm not a fan of going abroad for my sex tourism. Yeah, you've got to keep it in the country, you know. Restorberate. Now, to recap, we've been discussing Peter the Great. He's massive with a small head and big hands.

Yes. He has been... He walks like this. He walks like this. Looks like David Byrne, I guess. And he has... He's witnessed the entire death of his family. Yadda.

By Pikes. Blah, blah, blah. Stop whining. Get on with it. He shaves all of the Orthodox priest's beards. For a laugh. He has got a mentor of a wife who he's sent to a nunnery, rightly so. And in 1697, he is looking across the border at the massive Swedish Empire.

and a young 15-year-old Just the 90s. Supple, this is the 16-90s, a supple, young, twink of a thing has become the king of Sweden and the Swedish Empire. Now, obviously, nowadays,

Sweden has an empire built on flat-packed furniture, benefits, oil reserves, fucking pay-baper-turning to leave, and, you know, a sort of unspoken monoculture. You know, they don't really let immigrants, but everyone just ignores that.

No, they are now. Are they? Because what's interesting about Sweden is they're always seen as by the left, they're held as like, that's like a left wing paradise. Yeah, and the right. Yeah. And then they let some Syrians in and they immediately voted in fascists. Yes.

On a dime. Yeah, yeah. Just completely. One brown guy turned up and it's like, no, we're not. We can't have this. Can't have this. So, could chuck their fucking flat patch out of the window. Exactly.

Get out. But I've got a Swedish friend, so I stay abreast of the sort of, I like the Scandinavian infighting. goes on but the Swedes don't actually have that much oil. It's all Norway it's all Norway and now Denmark who Sweden used to look down on because Sweden was always just more sophisticated they had great

businesses they still do but now Denmark has the EZempic economy of course so the whole of Denmark has just had this crazy bit. Interestingly Denmark is also where all of insulin has made so it's the diabetes like patient zero yeah and now Sweden's really falling behind Denmark basically and they're very bitter about it

but anyway at this point this is the height of Swedish supremacy the late 17th century were in the early 18th century again as we were saying a sort of yeah a bit of a grey area in the in the British imagination

because it's just like Sweden the most terrifying military force in the world it's too it's too much context to deal with so it's like I'll skip to the fucking British Empire or something yeah exactly World War II fuck it fuck it fuck it yeah so who's Charles the 12th

he has been trained for war from birth. Because basically Sweden is Sparta in this period about 50 years. I don't really believe this.

It's the first time of a candid history. Because now it's Gretta Thunberg and Ikea. Ikea. Ike. What's that child? Oral Lager

means how are you doing in Swedish? Voodermorgia. Hey, we're like it as well. We are there Sparrague. Yeah, this is

Greta Thumburg. We're the most terrifying warriors in the whole of Europe. But I guess Greta Thunberg has, you know, she has that fire in her.

What was that thing when she said when she's crying? You have stolen our future. Yeah. Now I'd always put that down to Aspergers.

Yeah. Rather than some kind of innate Swedish aggression. How dare you? How dare you? To be fair. Her and the Palestine

flotilla, that's very Viking. Yes. She's on her way. Ho! Yeah. She's on the way to rape and pillage.

She was. We don't know. The boat. Guys, can you pick somewhere else? They have a tough enough time as it is. Thank God.

The brave IDF intercepted that. Thank God. that rape fatilla. Thank God. Again, I'd just like to say this episode is brought to you on the backs of the IDF.

Yeah, shout out our sponsors, IDF. Thank you for your continued support. And the Iron Dome. Crowd funder for the continuation of the Iron Dome is tucked in there. But yes, thank God the rape flotilla was stopped. What an awful idea. Yeah. Anyway,

so he grew up hunting Charles of 12th because Sweden is a military power and so to be king, this is the age where kings lead from the front they're also the field marshal he's hanging out the front of it he's hanging out of the front of it he kills his first bear aged 11 yeah

smash it because too regression um go out of the week charles as well is hanging out of front of it it's an age of hard men this yeah you know killing a bear at age 11 it's just it's not the same now yeah it's Sweden where it's run

by hard men killing bears rather than whiny autists complaining about fossil fuels it's a different time But he's a prankster growing up, much like Peter the Great. Yes, yeah. You know, he loves bears, he loves dwarfs. Because this is a bit Monty and Romer where these two great geniuses reflect each other. It is a bit Monten Rummel, yes.

Although they're kind of... But there's a lot more to the Montemortlander. Because Montiomel are military commanders. These guys are military commanders, but they also have the state craft, they're kings. But they're also very similar, Charles 12th and Peter the Great. Yes, there are differences. And I think they're more similar than Monton Romer are. Yes, they're not like opposites.

No. At some point, he got a bear drunk and chucked it out a window. There's a lot of throwing. He defenestrated a bear. Well, to be fair, we are in the golden era of defenestration at this point. The great defendant, the third defenestration of Prague is in 16. Yeah, only 100 years before. Not even that, because it's start the 30 years war.

So it's about 80 years ago. Sorry, I realize you're an expert in deforestation. Please. We'll go to our defenestration and correspondence. Yes. I am a pseudoscience MA in Phrenology. So the one who got thrown off a bridge? Is that what's that called?

That's called Brazilian bungee jumping. Yeah. So he's, yeah, he's defenestrating bears, which... You were trying to do like minimal, eco-friendly bunch of jumping where you don't really use any materials. A rope, yeah. Just called hope for the best. But anyway, he becomes serious around 18.

So he gives up liquor, strong alcohol. So he's still nailing pints, I think. he starts sleeping on the floor to toughen himself up. Japanese stuff. Yes. He's actually quite Stephen Bartley in a way, in some ways. In a way. I think it's more,

well, it's just more like he's very much like optimized. It ruined my life. Yeah, he's got like a optimization approach to life. Very Protestant, very severe, very disciplined.

Yes, although he's not that concerned with marginal gains. Right. He's kind of an all or nothing guy. Yes, that's true. A big part of his personality is Lutheranism and the Great Northern War is a contest between his Lutheranism

and Peter the Great's Orthodoxy. Which is a rare combo. You don't see that, Lutherans versus Orthodox. As a spice bag, I don't know what meat I'm putting that on. Lutheran Orthodox. Yeah, I don't know what's going on there. It's like herring with fucking cabbage on it? Like...

Yeah, I mean, I don't hate it. Yeah, because they're not opposites in the same way. No. But then I suppose this is where the Baltic meets Russia. It is nuanced. Well, as I was saying, prostantism is about stoicism,

about our lasting suffering. Orthodoxy is more about suffering is the only way we can get to God is to feel pain. So feeling pain is good. It's not about being enduring it and outlasting it. It's about enjoying it.

Being in the moment of watching my family be butchered, throwing a bear out of window. So I guess, like, Lutheranism would be, like, semen retention, and orthodoxy would be getting a rope and, like, choking yourself. Now you're talking this audience's language.

You know, Protestantism is a plain room Orthodoxy is a sex dungeon Yeah Alright This episode of Finn versus History is brought to you by Surf Shark Woohoo Guys, look, you've heard it from us before Yeah

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and i came out with full-blown aids and that's because i went to a public toilet in shepherds bush yeah and they said it's a bar now well you've not cleaned it up properly did you go into the aides toilet well that's my yes yeah that's pretty on you to be fair it said men women disabled and aides i misread that and i went into the aids one that's fair enough yeah it could happen to the best of us but more often happens to the world but if surf shark had been running those public toilets that one would have been locked. Yes. Because Surf Shark,

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right now. American Friction. He, now, his predestination, much like Ediamine, he thinks he knows when he's going to die, or rather he knows, He knows that God will kill him when his work is done.

Which is informed by his Lutheranism. Yes. Because I think because with Protestantism now you can have your own relationship with God. Yeah. It now means that he's basically becomes like a almost schizophrenic where he's just talking to this guy on his shoulder who's telling him to do things. Yes. Which is a way I don't think Catholics would.

Catholics would look for signs, but he thinks he's got like a direct, he thinks he's what's happened God the whole time. Yes, exactly. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie, if you missed the last episode and what I should have said in the recap is that Charlie has been AI imaging

AI images of us being intimate on the sofa together which I think we looked it up and is sexual harassment you producing this pod is like the Brazilian bungee jump guys like your job is to help the podcast not we're trying to get through a plan

and you're doing the literal opposite right Charlie it's inappropriate right it's gender and sexual harassment we could we could have you fired So the power imbalances means that I can't be tried for this. Well, the power imbalance means... You can't harass your boss.

Your boss is your boss. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. The boss is the boss. Well, so you can just do what you like to the boss? You can rape the boss, can you? Can you?

I think so, yeah. Really? I think so. Yeah. So... It's like a secret millionaire TV show. Rape the boss. Can't rate the boss? So at his coronation, he places the crown on his own head

and then just go to the coronation with the crown on. Because he's like, well, it's not for me to be crowned by anyone else. God's crowning me. I'll do it myself. We don't need to get into the Holstorp, Holstorpe, Holstein-Gosthorpe alliance. What we need to get into is Augustus II of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. Ladies, calm down. We're talking about the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth on Augustus II.

Okay. Now, he is called Augustus the Strong because one of his favorite things to do, as kind of a masculine flex was to throw animals high into the air and then they would fall to their deaths and splat on the ground This is the age of throwing things

Yes There's a lot of all the men are throwing stuff Throwing bears out of windows Yeah what's the proper name Charlie Stop Stop making AI images of us What's that? What's this?

What's that? He's fucking pissing himself Charlie can you Google What is it called When you throw a fox into the air What's that called? Fox tossing. Is it called fox tossing?

It is fox tossing. Augustus once tossed 200 foxes into the air and they all died. Foch Spallan, which is pretty, would be extraordinary sight. Yes, I think, I think. To go somewhere and then your greeting is a man throwing 200 foxes so high up in the air that they splatter on the floor. But also, that's going to take a long time. It would be horrifying. It would be absolutely horrified.

I feel once I've seen like 10. I get it. I get it. Oh, look at this. This is like, it's like group fox tossing. Oh wow. Tossing tournament of the early 18th century.

Two people hold the ends of a long sling and catapult the animals in the air. That's not how I heard it. That's not how I heard it described. Is that the foxes flying in the air at the top of the screen? Wow. But maybe that's a kind of competitive version. You can just lob on it.

Can I get some more photos of fox tossing please? There's like clay fox tossing. Bull. wild boar tossing wow they all died that's also horrifying death just broke a but

there must be like some of them half alive so yeah he does this 200 he puts 200 animals in the air when he meets Peter the Great Augustus in the late 1690s to impress him

he does this with like badgers monkeys bears any animal it basically just gets a zoo and goes he's a guy's guy to be fair to him.

He's looking around a zoo going, I reckon I could throw that. Yeah. He's the straightest guy in this story for sure. Yes, no, 100%. It's quite a gay age, actually. With all the wigs and stuff

and all the tights. But throwing 200 foxes in the air and having 300 illegitimate children. Well, fox tossing is like, it's like Axeug, isn't it? You do it for a stag do. Yeah. Fox tossing.

Yeah, so as you say, father's supposedly over 300 legitimate children. And he is the ruler of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. Can't even get into that. It's too much to go into. Yeah. It's odd.

It's well built, I guess. I've been to Lithuania and yeah, never again. Never. I've also been, though, to the Baltic is a brilliant part of the world. Why? It's very modern and clean, right? Yeah, and very Scandinavian. And I was surprised when I went there as to how actually it felt like Scandinavia.

I was assuming you feel like more and more like Russia. But now I understand that because it was Scandinavian before it was Russian. And then Russian interference has happened since then. and they've been pushing back trying to reclaim a sort of Scandinavian identity. I see.

So I went to Tartu which is right on the Russian border in Estonia. It's like a student town and that's where I got so drunk drinking Soviet Yeagermeister

they're called Spartans that I walk through a McDonald's drive-through in the snow. So it's a great place to the Baltics. That's great. Great fun.

Really good fun. Anyway, so because little boy if I was his name Charles the 12th is 15 everyone underestimates him and thinks that it's time

that the other powers in the region take on the Swedish Empire because they think it's going to be weak so a a secret meeting occurs in 1698 where Peter the Great and Augustus the Strong begin discussing direct action

Denmark's Frederick the 5th soon joins in which creates a three-pronged coalition designed to strike Sweden simultaneous. We must stop Sweden. And this is why I quite like this war

is but it's got echoes of the breakup of Yugoslavia. Yes. In that in that you've got this sort of big confederation of different peoples

being held together and then all hell breaks loose and there's several different wars going on at the same time. Yeah. It's white and white violence. It's white and white. It's the mayonnaise derby.

It's built a, Derby stuff, isn't it? Yeah. So everyone assumes that Sweden would collapse quickly. And so in early 1700, the coalition strikes. But they underestimate the Swedes because the Swedes are the military

power of this time. Even though they've got far less troop numbers. Why are they so good? They've got flint-lock rifles. Fuck yeah. Girls. Take your pants off. Well, look.

I don't think that's it. I normally don't say so. Seems like a side note. Sorry. I normally say change your pants, not take your back. Sounds like you've got them at gunpoint. You just look at flintlock rifle.

What should a fin lock rifle, take your pants off? No, that's a chat up line that's someone in the all singing, old dancing synony on a fool's. I've got a flintlock rifle, take your pants off.

And the Russians, the Swedish have flintlocks, which are sort of, what's this, it means that the ignition is a piece of flint hitting steel which creates a spark, whereas a matchlock rifle is what the Russians have, and that's where you have to put a fucking bit of rope to the guns. I mean, it's like setting off a bomb.

But muskets are pretty new, right? So modern warfare's only just started. Yes. In many ways, maybe you'd say this is one of the first modern wars. Maybe the English Civil War is the first war with like muskets and pikes and swords and shit. When did this start? A musket war. I mean, they've got muskets in Japan, in feudal Japan, in the wars there.

Italian Wars, 494, 1559. Primitive hand cannons. Obviously, nowadays a hand cannon is the quick-shot launch masturbator, which no one has at this point. No. They also have, the Swedes have a strong gun to pike ratio. You've got to. In any group of men. You've got to have a strong gun to pike ratio.

Yeah. And so, Charles, the. 12th. He's leading an elite military force, but also he thinks he knows when he's going to die, or rather he's kind of, he doesn't think he's going to die because he thinks he's been chosen by God. He's a shagger. He's a fun guy. And he's all, he's all or nothing. Charles. Is he a fun guy? He's quite severe. He's fucking intense. Yeah. Yeah. But he's chuck. I wouldn't say chucking chucking a bear out of window having got drunk. But that was him, he didn't go very serious. That was him before 18 there's his crazy days.

I prefer his earlier stuff. Yeah, and then he locked in and became very serious. When you lock in, I'm getting a lot of these reels and Instagram. Yes. POV, you locked in for six months. There's a guy who looks like me and then they look ripped. And I'm like, ah, I lock up in about a week and then I start eating yogurt again. Yogurt?

Yeah, I can't stop eating great yogurt. Is that bad? No. Yogurt's good, right? Well, not for these fuckers. They're just eating like... How much yogurt you eat in? I mean a lot of you.

I mean a lot of yogurt. I really like. great yogurt. Covering honey in dates. Yeah, that's the problem. But locking in is boring smarties on your yoga. It doesn't mean. Then I'm just eating fucking chocolate again.

You know, locking in. Flint locking in. These boys. Oh, here we go. Here we go. So, let's get into the Great Northern War. To remind you, there is a Russian-Danish Polish-Lithuanian coalition against the Swedes. My God, ladies, I hope you're sitting down.

If you're on your period, stop listening to this one. Or maybe start listening, actually. This is a good one to listen to you on your period. You may get pregnant if we go in further. It might induce menopause. It could start early menopause with how horny this is. Is that how you start early? I don't think, I don't know anything.

I don't know. You know what? Which science? There's a lot of conversation about how men, the awareness around the perimenopause and the menopause. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm going to fucking freebase it. I'm going to free blade it.

Fuck it. You're not going through menopause, though. No, I know. But the idea is, is that men, there's a discussion, so men are more sympathetic to how annoying their partners are when they hit perimenopause. But it's a red flag, the idea of someone who knows... Fucking red rag.

Yeah, red rag. The ins and outs of menopause. It's a bit much, I think. It's a bit much. If a bloke knows a lot about menopause. It's like what you? Yeah. What's going on there?

Oh, are you all right? You're on menoport? Where would you ever say that? I like how you try to go for something, but you didn't know enough about menopause. No, but I'm saying you'd never say that to a woman in public, are you? Yeah. Oh, you look a bit hot.

you had married menopausal or something. I'm a good, I'm a good guy. It's quite funny to say that. It is quite funny. You're menopause. I know, it's just hot. Right, don't worry. Forget about it.

That's a really stupid thing to say. You're menopausal? No, fine. So, let's get into the siege of Riga. There is an imperial arrogance to Peter the Great and the correlation. They think they're going to snuff out the Swedish Empire quickly. But very early on, they realize that they've bitten off all they can chew. Because the first thing is the...

Siege of Riga where Augustus strikes from the south. Tosses foxes over the walls. He's firing foxes at Charles. And the battle quickly descends into a freezing mud-soaked nightmare. Yeah. Okay. The ground gets so hard that Saxon engineers have to use explosives to dig trenches. Right.

And then when the spring thaws, they thaw the ground and it's just a sewer. Right. They've also got a 74-year-old general. Oh no, that's the Swedes. So the Swedes are defending Riga. With Joe Biden at the helm. Joe Biden at the helm, Sleepy Joe. And yet somehow, he does so well that the Saxons starve,

and they have to eat boiled leather. They're loving it, though. Again, how close to Estonian cuisine is that? Yeah. Anyway, we don't know. They eat horses and dogs, and then they eat their own shoes. They soak their shoes in river water to make it soft enough to swallow. but Riga does not fall

and so Augustus retreats into Poland meanwhile at the same time God this is exciting Denmark and Norway enter the war under Frederick the 4th I said fifth order I meant 4th they open up a second front fuck there's a second front in the Great Northern War

that means there's another shit regional town where there's another greggs opened and a woman on a military scooter is kicking a picture yeah another bloke enters the gang bank another bloke I don't want to no I don't want to make of the gangbang sorry. I don't want to

think about a regional northern gangbang sorry. Okay. Shobby me bastard swat. I don't want no.

Northern regional porn. Small than nopping gravy. I don't want to think about look how much you've woken up. Slap it. Look how much you've fucking. Please slap it.

Charlie's woken up. No. I don't want to think about northern porn. No thank you. Spread me. Spread me, Laura. Anyway,

there's a second front Oh Christ, at this point Peter's not in the war Pop it up my fart factory Peter the Great's not in the war yet okay and basically the story of this part of the war we have to skip lots of it because it's a fucking mess

It takes ages But basically the Poles and the Danes Fuck it against the Swedes early on But then I think he then counter-attacks Denmark and within three months knocks Denmark completely out the war. Out the war.

Blows them to pieces. And from that point on was... What the Danish did is they put... They're like, right, we're going to super defend this city. And then they didn't defend the other city. Yeah. So we just went into that city. It's like Italians in the desert.

Yeah, exactly. And they're just... Within three months, they completely collapsed. So he's managed... Even though they've got three fronts, he's managed to just quickly knock them all out. Yeah. So Peter the Great enters the war in 70s.

In the film, there's always that scene in the film where they underestimate the skinny guy who's good at Kung Fu. And then some thugs in a car park start on him. Yeah. And then he knocks everyone out. Yeah. That's sort of what's happening here. So Peter the Great goes, don't worry, guys, I've got this. Yeah.

He enters the war in August of 1700 with a massive field army of about 40,000 men. And they're going towards Narva, which is, uh, now is that in today's Finland or is that? No, I guess it would be in Russia. It's right on the Finnish Russia. It's in the Gulf of Finland, right on the border. I think it's in today's Russia but at this point it's Finnish but that's Swedish

Estonia, whatever it's all fucking you know happy clappy paternity leave paternistan right there's a name for like a milky coffee dad

that's like a name yeah in Scandinavia yeah in Sweden where they have where you know all the dads are pedos for a year whatever

so they have baby on the front and you have a cappuccino milky coffee yeah and it's like oh I'm on milky coffee lead. Is it latte dad? Maybe it's a latte dad, but there's a Swedish word for it. Soyboy. It's not soy boy. That's, that's a, a soy boy is an archetype on Tinder, isn't it?

Yeah. Or like, latte papa. That's it. Latte papa. Oh, hello, I'm a latte papa. Yeah. The most fearsome army in the world. Yeah, exactly. A fielded latte pappers. The West has fallen. Yeah. Now they all have papooses with kids and drinking milky coffees. They used to throw bears out the window. It's crazy, isn't it? Times have changed. anyway so the Russian force way out numbers

the Swedish one at Narva but they're all I mean they're all thick ruskies they're all thickos and they've only just learned how to hold a musket it's the classic Russia thing it's like their military record

up to this point is terrible and always in any great war in Russia they always start terribly they're always underprepared it's really always peasants who don't know how any of it works and they just get absolutely annihilated I think they had 40,000 people

and Sweden has 10,000 people. Yeah. And Sweden lost 700 people. Russia, 8,000 die, and I think 20,000 get taken prisoner. But they love that. They absolutely love that. And so as a result of this defeat, they get gulagged.

They get good. They, they, they, glag. This is the turning point of the war, you'd say. So in, by what time does the Battle of Nava end? November 1700. So by this point, Sweden absolutely nailing the war. Okay. They've, they've defeated the Russians at Nava in the north.

they've defeated, they've held Riga. They've knocked everyone out and they can easily go for terms. Yeah. Well, this is it. If Charles the 12th was less of an all or nothing guy, he could just stop here and he's got loads of territory. But because Augustus broke a promise to him, because I think Augustus said...

They're cousins. I just didn't say that. Yeah, they're cousins and Augustus said, I'll always have your back. Because he didn't. He was like he needs to make him pay for it. Fuck you, man. So this is where he starts chasing Augustus in kind of Benny Hill style.

For about five years, see what? Yeah, through the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. And this gives Peter the Great time to reform his military. Yeah. And he realizes, you know, Western botherer that he is, that Russia are backward. And so one of the first things he does is he stops gay soldiers getting involved. That's the first thing.

First thing. Right. The problem is you're all benders. That's the problem. Yeah, that's the first problem with our backwards-looking army. I see why we've lost here. Because the soldiers are engaging... Hang out of the back of each other.

They are hanging out of each other. They're going to be hanging out the front of it. They've been engaging in gay activities. And so he bans homosexual activity for soldiers. Lesbianism remained completely legal. Now that can't be right, whoever wrote the script, because lesbianism has not been discovered at this point. Yes.

Okay? We're in 1700. We're in 1700. Maybe. Maybe. That's still very early for me. Right? Name a lesbian.

Maybe Shackleton. Did he find it? I've been... you know, lesbianism there's a point in history where lesbianism doesn't exist it was just women were very ugly right

so their choices were limited house in days easier to understand Charlie get the photo up of the Iranian princess right perhaps this is the first lesbian right maybe maybe but again

this was the height of beauty at this point can you name a lesbian before Claire Boulding. Wow. I mean, she doesn't strike me as someone

who's chowing through cog. No. Yeah. She's, yeah, she's, that,

that face has been built for muff diving. Yeah. She's got her bib on. She's wearing it a funny way around, but yeah. She gets right in there.

That's why she's got the bib that covers so her clothes don't get dirty. Oh, lesbian researcher as typing some nonsense about ancient Greece. Yeah.

No, Lesbos is the, it's a myth. Yeah. Les boss is a myth. The first, lesbian in my mind is Claire balding. When was Claire Bowling born, Charlie?

I want to say the six years. But he tries to straight up the army where you can't have gay guys, but if two... Seventy-one. If two girls want to kiss, then that's kosher, basically. 71, Claire bawling. Lesbidism is born in the 70s. That makes sense, doesn't it?

Miriam Margulies. What, as soon as the big growler's come out. All bets are off. Yeah. My name is Peter Parker, but I'm also Spider-Man. This Thursday. We're faced with a threat.

That can be anyone. The world may have forgotten Peter Parker. I'm just a neighbor. Friendly neighbor. But he hasn't forgotten them. Sometimes Spider-Man has to do the hard thing. That's my responsibility. Talk to Banner?

I didn't know you could get that big. Spider-Man, brand new day. In theaters Thursday. Hey, y'all. It's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder, what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old.

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I want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do. Good. Well, our podcast can help. It's called American Friction, and it's out every Monday and Friday. We discuss all the big news from across the pond and explain it all with world-leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen, right now, Wherever you get your podcasts right now.

American Friction. So Peter, anyway, so he reformed. Now this stuff's all very Cronwell, new model army, actually. Yes, very much so. He professionalises the military. He also introduces conscription. This is the first time Russia basically goes, we're going to use the entire state,

put them on a war footing. Yes. mass conscription he introduces loads of taxes I think he even taxes moustaches

as well as as beards yeah taxes absolutely everything births yeah so if you get

birth you have to pay tax he melts down all the church a lot of church bells for cannons and stuff

yeah but just this overnight he builds like factories by much bouncing down church bells and so he

completely puts the entire state into what is it Charlie you've been tempted by bail ringy uh campanology

is that what it's called my aunt and I'm called with campanology In Bedfordshire, yeah. You ever had to go? No. It does look nice. Got a lot to get through.

Yeah. We'll talk about it afterwards. I think I'll duck out of that one as well, like to be nice. So, Charles is remained focus on following Augustus, the Fox Tosser, through Poland. Meanwhile, Russia slowly rebuilds and returns to the offensive in 1702. He's perj the gaze. He's got rid of the gaze, all right? It's a straight.

It is like the Cromwell's army. That's, you know, it's a new modern army. Get that cock out your mouth and get back to the front. Now, Russia steadily pushes towards the Baltic coastline. And this new Russian army are very different to the one that had been defeated at Narva. Yeah. And they win a series of victories, right, against the Swedes capturing several strategic positions, including Lake Ladoga.

which is sort of yeah and then they get that little gooch area of the Baltic and he decides to build a new city yeah so he builds a new fortress and this is in 1703 and he finally gets the port that is all year round and that he gives him access to the Baltic because without access to the sea he gets

none of the trade routes from London from Amsterdam because it has to all travel via on land but this is we talked about this briefly but this is kind of maybe the most nuts thing he does which he basically just says build an entire city from scratch immediately. On a swamp?

That is terrible conditions. There's wolves, there's mosquitoes, there's the winds, it's cold, and I think 10,000 people die building this city. Sort of Qatar stuff, yeah. Qatar World Cup stuff. It's built on bones and it's course St. Petersburg, which is one of the most beautiful cities in the world as well, which I don't know how that happened, how he managed to. And also he was staying in a log cabin, right?

Well, that's all happening. And that log cabin is still around? Is it? Basically the first building and St Petersburg. He built the Peter and Paul Fortress, which I think is where it would pay the part in the Russian Revolution.

He builds some Petersburg, which is a very western city. It's the most western. It's kind of the first great enlightenment city maybe, or it's kind of throwing forward to that. Yes. And that's kind of who Peter the Great is

in that he's sort of the first enlightenment autocrat. But it's also called St. Petersburg, which is a German name. Yeah. It's not Petrograd. Because he's obsessed with the German course. He's a Europhile. He's a Europhile. So he builds

St Petersburg slowly and eventually recaptures Narva in 1704. He also forces all of the ability to move to St. Petersburg even though it's a shithole. As we talked about when Channel 4 moved to Leeds. Of course. And everyone had to leave London. There's very much that vibe.

They're not happy about it at all. By 1704, Charles of 12th is still chasing Augustus through Poland. Tom and Jerry stuff. But basically uses alliances with anti-Saxon Polish nobles. I mean, Christ, who cares? But they basically split the Polish-Lithuanian

Commonwealth in two. Oh, no. Oh, God. How will I carry on? What, you mean, Poland, Lithuania, are different countries? Christ. He then, at some point,

decides to invade Russia, which we should get to. Yes. Now, this is the first great invasion of Russia? It is. Yeah. And it's also the first sort of lesson in the Bible of what not to do when you're invading Russia or rather how to

defend it. Because Napoleon will make this error. Yeah. As, I'm sorry to say, will our dearly departed out of Hitler. In that they just, Russia is too big. Yeah. It's too big. It's too cold.

They love being in pain too much. They set fire to their entire border. Yeah. And go, oh, you have that. Fuck it. Yeah. And it's like, if you keep doing that, then you're just starving out the invading armies.

What they did to Napoleon was when Napoleon arrived, Moscow was completely empty. Yeah. So he had nowhere to conquer. Yeah. Like, where can you go now? Yeah. Well, you want to go fucking Siberia?

No. No. A bunch of Inuits down there. Yeah. So Peter, seeing that Sweden's amassing armies to invade Moscow, he understands that if, if you basically trap, trap the army inside

Russia and you burn everything then they've got no supplies and they'll starve. So the Russian retreat from the Polish border is not cowardice. It's actually strategy. So they burn grain stores and they destroy the roads.

Poison wells. And obviously there are lots of people who are living there but they're Russian so they're like oh this is fucking brilliant. My God, the investment we're getting in these regions is incredible. The new government's amazing. They poison the well. Now we can't drink water without dying. I love this place.

Yeah. So Charles is now seeking a decisive battle. Because Charles as well carries with books about Alexander the Great. So he views himself. That's part. Alexander the Great kept going to the point of exhaustion. And he very much has that view. It's very similar to like Hannibal versus the Roman.

Ozzymandias. Yeah. No, but he's constantly looking for the decisive battle. Yes. And trying to force the issue, basically. At some point, Charles is heading towards what would be Smilens. Yeah, also Charles has a generationally bad hairline.

Is this why he ends up spending five years in Turkey? I think he's... Oh, yeah. Even for... No, that is bad. There's an element of Emperor Charles V to him. Yes, but go on some other photos because it gets far worse. That's him as a young man.

No, you can see why he went for an Ottoman hair transplant. Yeah. We had to get my hair transplant because his hair started looking like the Pringles guy. You know the Pringles? So what look? The curtains. That was what I'm going. we were like we have to get him out.

Oh. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't quite know what you meant by that. No, no, to be fair. I couldn't work out what you meant by that. No, but I see it now. But that's 100% the Briggs was.

That's awesome. That's awesome. So he's got... Did he try and style out with girls? Be like, once you pop, you can't stop? So it's hairlines and mustache. So we had to,

we used that as the kind of crowdfunding image. Yeah, then when he bows down, he looks like a World War I general. It means that he can sort of, he can look at people's cleavages. This country, He can. Yeah.

That's true, actually. He could like... If he drew two eyes there, you could get away with murder. But apparently hair transplants, it kind of inflates your head. Do you know how they work? I don't think they inflate your head. They inflate your head. I'm going to put a pin in this now, Charlie.

I don't inflate your head. Yeah. Anyway, right. So Charles is trying to... He's heading towards Smolens. Yeah, right, which is slightly south of Moscow, but it's a border town. Why haven't the Smolens? I've heard that.

It's a steakhouse as well, I think. Smolenskis. Is it anything in the World War II or something? Oh, I don't, fuck it, though. It's all that sort of region. So, he's heading towards Smolensk. We're trying to get to Moscow, but he needs his resupply army. So a second army, which is dragging this massive supply train of like wagons filled

with horses and food and ammunition and stuff. A moving city of wood and iron moves very slowly coming from Riga and Russian cavalry are constantly harassing its flanks. And so we get to the Battle of Lesnia in 1708, which is a very important one because Russian forces under Peter attack the supply army before it reaches Charles Xer12th,

meaning cutting off Charles VIII's supplies. And so Charles Nen has to winter in Ukraine. I wintering, we winter in Ukraine. No one ever says that. No one ever says that. So he's then, basically, if you get a map up of the Great Northern War, he's constantly being pushed down through where Hitler army group South would invade. And so he's being pushed further and further down towards the Caucasus.

But in modern day Ukraine, he meets a rebel Cossack called even Mazepa. And he tries and then he gets these Cossacks. Because the Cossacks is a distinct ethnic group almost who have their own to the Russians. Gypsies with fur hats. Yeah. Sort of. I don't really know.

Anyway. Al fat your mother. You're my wife. The Mazipa turns and then Peter Great's like, oh, fuck. Oh, no, no. And then the Cossacks, he tries to raise a Cossack coalition to go up towards Moscow, but he keeps being pushed down further. And then we get to basically.

this seminal battle at Paltava, right? Yeah, this is the big one. So the Swedish are freezing. They're having an awful time. The 1708-9 winter is the worst winter in Europe ever? They said that the birds freeze and fall out of the sky. It's so cold. Birds freeze and fall out the sky.

I don't know if that's just, I don't know if that happened. Spit would freeze before it hits the ground. The birds freeze and fall out of the sky. Can you find that out? I mean, when I went to Lithuania, my breath would freeze. like my beard would freeze because I'd breathe out I'd even come back and yeah

yes birds could freeze to death but they generally do not freeze solid while flying so by 1709 they're starving exhausted and they haven't got their supply train so the Battle of Pultava is one of the I mean it's like it's like the Waterloo

of Eastern Europe but for us it's like there's a big monument in Pultavis in modern day Ukraine at time of recording I don't understand why what happens happens but it's the same old story that the Swedish army even they're way outnumbered

try a big dawn raid on the fortified Russian positions but the Russians managed to split them up by this point are very well trained and then the sheer numbers this is the first time that Russia is just throwing men and burning their own territory it's like kamikazis if it was

a whole country 50,000 kamikazis at once Yeah, but they're on the ground. Yeah. And they're just shooting themselves. So do you think the only reason they can do that is because they're so massive? Yes. Well, that's the Russian tactic is they just, they have so much manpower. It's impossible to invade because you can just retreat endlessly.

Yeah. Because if you get, you think if you're invading, oh, we get to Moscow, we're there. But you've only traversed 10% of the country. Yeah. Because it goes to Korea. Yeah. You've not even got to Mal-Evistan. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's so big. And also it gets wider. So you, as Hitler found, he, I mean, Hitler really thought he'd cracked it. Yeah. Because he's learning from Charles or Tyler from Napoleon. He's like, this is, so I need to go,

4 million men, biggest invasion ever. Yeah. Three army groups. But even then, he gets pushed too far south because it goes all the way down to Azerbaijan. Yeah, Georgia. Georgia. Russia know everything that's in Russia.

Are they like consciously being like, yes, they know everything in Russia. Russia. Russia does everything in Russia. They're like, it's fucking. I actually, to be fair, I think he's, I don't think they do. What?

I think if you're in the Kremlin and then fucking 11 time zones away No, definitely not. There's a fucking, there's an Inuit. Yeah, of course not. She somehow sounds like Borat.

I don't understand it. So how do they know if they've won't? He's Korean Borat? Yeah. Oh, my wife. It's nice. Oh. How is it a country?

I don't understand. Eleven time zones. But at this point, it's relatively small. We're the same time zone as Tenerife. Go. South Africa with the same time zone. Are we? Yeah.

How's that happened? I don't know. Well, it's longitude, I guess. That's why. Quite simple. Go Russia's territory in 1700s, please. So we get up. So I think it's relatively small at this point.

How do you even know if you won the war? Because it's so massive and there was got a mobile. Well, yeah. You know, I don't know. I mean. Must take a fucking age. It's just fucking. It's just a stupid country.

So this is the birth of Russian Empire. Yes. Yeah. It is. The end of this war is the birth of the Russian Empire. It goes from Muscovy to... But this is all on the western front.

I mean, the eastern side, how does like... If Muscovy, which is Moscow, how are they... I mean, what's like Kamchaka? I think that's... It's during this period, there's just no one there.

They just keep... They just headroom. You've got so much fucking headroom. No, it should be several different countries. Yeah. Anyway... And they want more. I mean...

They want more. Greedy fuckers. Yeah. You've already got more. Korean Borat. You got Korean, you got Mower. Yeah.

I'm not a Egyptian. Why are you pushing West? Anyway, the Battle of Potalva, big deal, 20,000 Swedes

surrender. The Lions of the North became shadows. Yeah. This is the single, in a single moment the Swedish military machine ceases to exist.

It's the fucking nuclear bomb that slaps the samurai into an anime girl. this is what happened they slap the fucking military machine into a latte

Greta Thubber Lattipapa Yeah it is Yeah It's from Viking And they never try anything like this ever again No You can't go back

Yeah they get slapped so hard That they become They become gay forever Poltau is the Swedish Hiroshima Yeah Vikings before Latipappas Afterwards

By this point I should stress He's been Either just I think it's just before Poltau he gets a cannonball in the foot. Yeah. And it basically smashes half his foot comes off.

Yeah. And he's like, oh, mortal wound! Yeah. He's fine. He's trying to volley it. Yeah.

He tried to pull skulls it from outside the box. Yeah. So he leads the battle from a stretcher. Yeah. And his foot's like seeping pus and shit. And he doesn't want to leave. Yeah.

But then he's persuaded by inferior to escape capture. So then he goes south into Turkey, right? Who are the big player? Yeah. South of Russia, the Ottoman Empire. This is their height.

Yeah. And he eventually... They see that airline coming towards them. They're licking their lips. I know what you want. I know what you want, brother. He settles in an

Osman town of Bender. That's the name of the town. That's not funny. It's not funny. It's a place in Moldova. It's not funny that a town's called Bender. No. Deadly serious town.

Okay. Yeah. Or a lovely little sub-o called Puff dirt as well on the arm. Yeah. And I tell you where it does the best coffee is not Ars Bandit. I think Ars Bandit's a glorious area of Bender. Yeah.

Yeah. They may be away for some of the tourists. Yes. Sort of more of the locals vibe. Yeah, they're building into the brown belt now, which I don't really agree with, I must say. Yeah, well, there you go. And you can see it's Benner upon Bassy Boy. Sorry, we're just seeing, that's a Somerset Village, Bender upon Batty Boy.

We're just seeing there's a hotel on Google Maps called Friendship and it's in quotation marks. If you're staying in the Friendship Hotel in Bender, you're getting... I know what that's happening there. Yeah? Yeah. A Turkish guy's going to hang out of the back of it. Yeah. So he hides out in Bender in the Ottoman Empire and basically he's like pleading.

Yeah, because we haven't done the Ottomans. No, I don't know what's going on here. I don't know what's going on. He's there for years. Essentially, Peter the Great has basically won the war in 1709 to the point that he celebrates the anniversary of that battle every year until his death. And yet the war goes on for another 11 years. And then Charles is like renown.

at the World Cup, he just won't... Won't stop. It's over. Sweden's enemies now seize on the opportunity, and so Denmark and Norway re-enter the war, but on the side of the anti-Swedish coalition. Yeah. You're part of the anti-Swedish coalition, aren't you?

Oh, no, hang on. They were fighting for the... No, they were always fighting against the Swedes. Yeah, but they re-entered because they were beaten. And now cowardly, because they've been slapped about. Now they re-entered the war. I am part of the anti-Swedish coalition. Augustus reclaimed the Polish throne

and so Russian armies now sweep across the Baltic Prussia gets involved Britain gets involved at one point under Georgia 1st What we're after? I think we're just more We just think there's too much The balance of power isn't what we like

Anyway all Europe now gathers To cut meat from the Swedish carcass They're opening a tin of IKEA meatballs Yeah Peter the Great sees more of the Baltic blah blah blah And Charles stays in Turkey for ages Ages

Yeah Three or four years He sort of does a fucking What is it Is it Idi Armin in Dubai Where is he Yeah in the Novatel Yeah in Jeddah

In Saudi yeah He just hangs around Kind of bothering people Getting eating oranges Go in Mosque Yeah Charles At some point

Sneaks out of the Ottoman Empire And travels all the way Back up to What would be Northern Germany is it Or Denmark on horseback in disguise. Yeah.

He doesn't change his clothes for like 20... It must be ages. Yeah. How long does that take? Months? Yeah. How long does his escape from the Ottoman Empire? Two weeks.

It's only two weeks. That's what I thought it was. That's crazy. So he takes him two weeks to get back to Swedish Pomerania. Now, where's that? Is that in Poland? On the Baltic coast. Fucking hell, so he gets in the...

So, I mean, that's a... That's like Dick Turpin stuff. Yeah. What have you found? If he was crawling on his tongue, it would have taken 20 and a half years. Okay. He was on a horse though, crucially. Luckily.

Which is the right move tactically. It was. No, he was weighing up the options and he thought, I'll take a horse for this. Eventually, he gets to, now the coalition are closing in on mainland Sweden. And he gets to, he doesn't get to Stockholm yet. He's at another Swedish city and there's a siege. Anyway, was it Strasland? And then...

He tries to defend a city. himself, having just ridden from the fucking Balkans in two weeks. He's still up for a fight and he won't go down. Somehow, he's still, because he's all or nothing, he just won't sign a treaty. And so the Sweden then relaunch campaigns in Norway in 1718. And then he's fighting outside Fredericks and Fortress and he just gets a bullet in the temple, just bangs, lights out. On the night before battle, he will always inspect the front trenches.

That's what he always does. And he was just doing it. And a stray musket ball went through his head. I mean, we've got a picture of his skull with the biggest hole in it. Now there's a bit even bigger. Yeah, look at, yeah. Is that it?

Through his head? Through his head? Through his eye? Fucking hell. I mean, his hairlines at his worst now. Look at that. There's like a small tuft at the back. That's crazy, though.

That's the exit wound, I guess? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. How do you know how that's the exit wound? Well, you can see it's going up, isn't it? As if it's coming out. It's come from inside them.

And also the other side, the other side, the other photo where it's gone through his eye. Much bigger. Much bigger. So there's, it's not even his eye, it's above his eye. You fucking out.

Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, that's crazy. That skull that is intact. And it's got photo. Yeah. So where is that?

So where is that? Later. It's like, yeah. The exact cause of his death has remained one of Europe's great historical mysteries. I reckon it was the massive.

I think it's a huge bullet in his head personally. But they don't know if maybe his soldiers shot him because they're exhausted. It's pre-autopsy. Yeah. I don't have a friendly fire. Yes, yeah. It could have been murdered

because he just would not stop the war. So with him out the way, suddenly Sweden now kind of sues for a peace deal. There's a treaty of Stockholm, but then the real treaty is the treaty of Nennanananananaisad, signed in 1721 by Sweden and Russia. And this is when the beginning of the Russian Empire. Peter the Great declares Russia a new empire,

and this is where the holy synod in the Russian Senate say you can be called the Great now, you're now Peter the Great. And that is the birth of the Russia that we know and love today. Yes, I mean the Russian Empire, because even though you know, you look at the great game

that's coming up soon with the Russian Empire, the British Empire, even we beat them in the Crimean War, they're an empire that's still intact. They actually had quite a lot of longevity. Lots of these empires have fallen. European empires have all collapsed. The Russian Empire is still basically there.

It's still kind of an empire. Well, they're still going for it, aren't they? That's the end of the Great Northern War. I mean, we should wrap up Peter the Great story. There is some bad stuff. Does he kill his son? Yeah, he does kill his son. He does it Marvin Gay?

Peter the Great does a Marvin Gay. Or did Marvin Gaye? His dad killed by his dad. His dad killed Marvin Gaye. Anyway, so yeah, Peter the Great then his fans are new Russia and then his son is basically a wet bag who likes the old, he's his mother's, the Munter. He takes after his mother.

Takes after the Munter. And so he likes the Orthodox priest. and stuff. And then he basically just kills him because he's not strong enough. Is there a painting of him holding his dead son? Is that Peter the Great Holding?

And even the terrible. That's how him. He kills his son as well, bloody hell. They love it. Yeah. They love it. That's the best Russian parent as ever been.

And so that concludes the Great Northern War. Peter the Great will die in 1725 from basically a UTI. Yeah. And you know. It's pre-cranbreuze. It is pre-cranbreuze.

we should say. And again, it's the Russian, it's the modern Russian story. I mean, a man who's watched his family be butchered, age nine, loved it so much that he ends up, built an empire. Yeah. Which survives to this day.

And this is the psychology of modern Russia. Which, yeah, I guess we never really learned about Peter the Great. And I think it just, it explains, explains Lenin. It explains Lenin and all that stuff as well. Yeah, he built the whole city that the Russian Revolution happened in. Exactly. Charlie, what have you learned today? That Russia is massive.

Yeah. And apparently, if Charles had a afro, if Charles, the bald Charles had a big enough afro, he could have avoided the musket. I think if it had been over 12 metres in diameter. Well, I'm so glad you learned that. Yeah. I don't think we covered that, actually.

I think you're doing some of your own learning. Thank you for joining us. thrilling stuff, the Great Northern War. We will be talking about Stockholm Syndrome on the Patreon this week. Lots of fun there. More Swedish frolics. And if not, we'll see you next time

on Finn versus History for a brand new topic. From all of us here, goodbye. Goodbye.