Fin vs History - The Man Who Conquered Borat | Genghis Khan (Part 1)

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Well, welcome back to Finn vs. History. As ever, I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Today we're talking about Genghis Khan. It's Mongolia, it's the Middle Ages, it's who gives a shit squared from my point of view. You're in the middle of nowhere. You're, you found yourself with your pants around your ankles. I'm completely lost.
Starting point is 00:00:46 I'm completely lost. I don't know where we are. I don't know what's going on. You entered into more neurodivergent history now. Alone on the step. I'd say I'm meeting the Oracle of autism. I deen I
Starting point is 00:00:59 Dina Oh my That explains to people That's Mongolian throat singing To people who have lives And mortgages and families And jobs What have you just been doing
Starting point is 00:01:10 Finn's been deeply uncomfortable With my Mongolian throat singing He does not feel like He's been whisked away To an exotic land Instead he just feels No I feel completely under threat I feel very closed off
Starting point is 00:01:20 Body language wise Why what's Mongolian throat singing It's traditional Mongolian music But they sing just from this weird like, I mean, that's all it is, really. Right, okay. So it's, you can make two sounds at the same time. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:01:36 It's kind of like a unique way of singing. But I guess it's because we... In the same way that screaming is quite unique way to me. Exactly. It's not far away. Well, that singer's got a very unique way of doing it, but she just screams for an hour. So Finn's going to be quite uncomfortable for this little series here.
Starting point is 00:01:52 I guess because we also, we view history differently, like a lot of the way that I've gone into history. is I will just, I have just stared at the globe by my bed and said what the fuck was going on there. Yeah. And that's just not how you've done it. Well, my globe is, um, it doesn't turn. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, my globe.
Starting point is 00:02:10 It's just Britain, America, Europe, and then Africa. Exactly. And I, that's the pocket I offered in. Yeah. And then all the, the, the British Empire, its greatest extent. Yeah, I've got blinkers on, really. But we're in, Genghis Khan. Now, that's not how you pronounce it, Finn.
Starting point is 00:02:26 Chingis Khan. Chengis Khan, which is close, isn't it? Chengis Khan. Turns out Chingis Clark. I mean, that's what my dad's been calling him for years. Yes. So he was right, it turns out. Anyone who's not white on the TV.
Starting point is 00:02:36 He was just pointing at random Chinese people saying Chingus Khan. So I think it's slightly different. Annoyingly, it feels like you can't get this name right because whatever way you say it, someone will correct you. So I think the official, the top level autistic pronunciation is Chengus Han. So we're going to be, Chengis Han. Isn't it? I thought it was Chingis. Chingis.
Starting point is 00:02:53 But you're saying Chengis. Chingis. Chingis Khan. Chengis Khan Right, okay But then I haven't heard anyone say Apart from that one podcast We both listen to
Starting point is 00:03:01 So now most people are going to think And also calling it a podcast Is giving it a lot of credit It's a four hour monotone Part one Part one Fuck, let me Four hours part one
Starting point is 00:03:12 I had to stop it so many times It felt like researching this felt like I had been It feels now This podcast feels like I'm in a book group and I've been given like a Terry Pratchett novel
Starting point is 00:03:28 and I gave up and I now have to talk about it the characters The tables have hands There's elephants holding up the globe I don't know what the fuck's going on I'll be honest The other thing about this
Starting point is 00:03:43 Is that because there are people like you Who really like Genghis Khan Or Chingish Khan Oh yeah yeah it's a bit of red flag Yeah it's a major red flag Because I'm sure a lot of school shooters as well They have books about Jenkins Khan Exactly but what is quite funny is that
Starting point is 00:03:54 It's about as true as the Bible. Yeah. In that everything... The secret history is all based of one book. Everything we think we know about this guy was a copy of a copy of a copy of a Chinese copy of something. And the Soviets try to destroy that copy and so it's hidden by monks. Because the Mongolia was run by the Soviet Union, which people don't really think... Because you don't really think about Soviet Mongolians, right?
Starting point is 00:04:18 I've got to be honest. I'm not 100% convinced Mongolia exists. Sure. I don't think it's a real place. Yeah. Can you name another Mongolian? Not another one, but there's only... That's what I mean.
Starting point is 00:04:26 That's what I mean. So, Mongolia... Do you know anyone who's been there? Oh, no. There's the Mongol Rally. Do you know what the Mongol Rally is? So I guess people, those people go there. But you can't call it that anymore, can you?
Starting point is 00:04:38 What do you have to call it? Down syndrome driving school. Is that the politically correct term for it? That's syndrome driving school. Do you want to explain what Down syndrome driving school is to... to this it's well I put it this way
Starting point is 00:05:00 when I see that sign on the car in front of me I slow right down I'm not I'm not pressurizing them at all you can't say that the Mongol rally is it's like posh guys from Kent
Starting point is 00:05:13 driving to Mongolia right yeah it's what a certain breed of person I went to school with doesn't their gap here they get a collapsed out car and the idea is you like pimper up a bit and you're only allowed to spend
Starting point is 00:05:24 like five grand on a car and it has to basically be shit and then you have to drive it through some of the most dangerous places. Yeah. Which currently would include an active war zone. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Which is a very, that's how like Thatcher's son, you remember thatcher's son? Mark Thatcher.
Starting point is 00:05:40 Yeah, when you go missing, it's just like, posh people, you just, there's the urge to drive into war zones. There's an entitlement that this will be fine. I can't, I won't get, I'll drive through a war zone and won't get a shot. I've never had any problems in my life. I went to Marlborough. my dad's got a box at lords i'll be fine so when you think mongolia what are you thinking of i'm not i'm never thinking about it this is the first time i've thought about it well so mongolia is
Starting point is 00:06:05 the most sparsely populated country in the world it's where it's chinese whales right yeah i guess so it's wales in china okay yeah to to china it's wales well i guess china has quite a few wales that's kind of their problem because tibet could be their wales Taiwan could be their whales you know no no Tibet's Cornwall because they're trying to break free yeah in terms of like it's sparse it's desolate yeah um gangis Khan is gangis Khan is there Tom Jones right yeah he's the guy he's like a 100 foot statue of Genghis Khan in Mongolia and he's he's considered the father of the nation today and he's saying in Wales that's Tom Jones Tom Jones standing his great imperial statue yeah yeah they both I mean because everyone in Wales has DNA shares
Starting point is 00:06:54 and A with Tom Jones. And Tom Jones is responsible for the carbon footprint of Wales, dipping slightly. So, yeah, right. So the Mongol... Sorry. We must assume that people listening are like me and they have jobs and mortgages and they look people in the eye when they speak. Where is Mongolia?
Starting point is 00:07:13 Mongolia is on the border between Russia and China and now acts as a sort of buffer state. It is huge, but it is genuinely the most sparsely populated country in the world. Three and a half million people over there. It's basically as far, parts of Mongolia is as far away from the sea as you can get in the world. Like that centre of Asia is far from the coastline. And Genghis Khan is like the one Mongolian that ever really, anyone ever gave a fuck about. When does he exist? About 1,100s to 1,100, 1,100, 1,200s.
Starting point is 00:07:41 Okay, so the, we're talking. It's the Middle Ages. Christ, here we are. Back again. Born in 1162. Okay, so 1162. So for context, that is, that's after Jerusalem. has gone Muslim.
Starting point is 00:07:56 Right. Gone woke. They've gone woke. Jerusalem's gone woke. It's before Stuart Pierce's penalty in Euro 96. Right. Yeah, that place is it. Before Psycho really came to it.
Starting point is 00:08:08 Stuart Pierce, in many ways, England's Genghis Khan. Yeah, but I think if you spoke to Chengus about Stuart Pierce, he would, yeah, you would absolutely have no idea what he'd do. You'd probably kill him. Probably. Who, is that someone I haven't killed yet? Yes, exactly. What is your feelings around the character of Chengus Khan?
Starting point is 00:08:23 Is he the angriest guys ever lived? right yeah maybe yeah i mean the the story that you listen to about his life is sort of i mean it's not really we don't know no one knows if it's true sure it's like a sort of it the whole thing is basically a fantasy piece sure really which is why i struggle with it yeah because it is essentially mongolia is essentially westeros right and you every time a tribe is mentioned i'm like who the fuck are they yeah yeah this is why i don't like reading fantasy novels because the author assumes that you're in their head and you can understand what mad shit they're inventing. Well, Pierre Navelli had that great bit about when he gave up reading fantasy books
Starting point is 00:09:03 is when he was so autistic comedian Pierre Navelli got so into fantasy worlds right. And it was when he was working out the currency of the exchange between two made-up tribes and it was like this needs to, because none of this ever happened. But I have a similar thing when I would play football manager as a kid, I would be on the toilet and I would be rehearsing how I was going to tell my goalkeeper that was benching him for the league cup.
Starting point is 00:09:31 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's straight fantasies. Yeah, it's neurotypical. Autism in a weird way. So, okay, so... But it does give you a peek into what life was like on the step, I guess. There is, there's not all complete fantasy. There is...
Starting point is 00:09:45 It's not completely pulled out their ass. Like, this is still... I guess the reason we know it's true is because at some point some Europeans were harassed by some fucking terrifying fuckers and so we can I believe them
Starting point is 00:09:57 I believe them Right so you believe the only white people in the store Yes I believe their words And then because otherwise it's like Was it a French person
Starting point is 00:10:07 Found it originally A French, there's a French book That's why it's gang Everyone says Gengis Yeah Because a French person It was Chingis But this time this happened
Starting point is 00:10:16 The Mongols didn't have I don't care about the name either Because I just like Yeah who cares it's whatever. Well, he didn't even know. Even his name. His name's Tamugin.
Starting point is 00:10:24 Timujin. All right. Wow. Well, no, I don't know. Temogen. I've never. Temogen. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:30 So he's born in the Mongolian step. So the Mongolian step is the, a step is, the, a step is, would you know what a step is geographically, Charlie? It's good to test our thickest viewer with Charlie. It's like having, to see what people would know. Charlie's just a fucking actual step. Charlie's just Google the word step. No.
Starting point is 00:10:49 Charlie. This is Charles. Charlie who didn't know the Titanic sang and he didn't know that Jack the Ripper was an unsolved murder. What's the Mongolian step, Charlie? Is it a ridge? Is it like a big hit? A step is, no, I understand why you've thought that
Starting point is 00:11:03 because of the other word step. It's actually the opposite. Basically, step geographically is a long grassland and plain, right? So it's just you've got steps in America, that's where like the prairie is and all that sort of stuff. Yeah. But in Asia, this is it, the step goes from literally the Ukraine all the way to Manchuria and North Korea, basically.
Starting point is 00:11:23 And it's all flat. It's this huge flat grassland. And in there, in this arid, far away from the sea, is the Mongolian step, which I think is one of the maddest places to live this period. It just, I think why I like this story is because it feels so different to how we live now. And I find it so truly terrifying.
Starting point is 00:11:44 It's kind of like as well, because no one in this period, when you know what, you know, you know, you know. I've just seen Charlie's Google's. Do they have a lot of cows in Mongolia? Charlie's just doing his own podcast by himself. They're more cows than people. Yeah, definitely, because it's like a great herding region because you've got loads of empty fields.
Starting point is 00:12:02 You know when you meet someone truly thick and you're like, what? He's right there, for price of sakes. He's right there. Charlie's brain is the Mongolian step. That's what, yeah. And I weirdly find hearing these stories about it, I find there is a peacefulness about this,
Starting point is 00:12:18 even though it's terrifying and brutal, The landscape I find quite like exhilarating in a way. It's just these huge open planes. There's nothing going on. There's just nothing going on. Maybe a couple of cows. It's absolutely terrifying. Yeah, because there's no shade at all.
Starting point is 00:12:37 No shade, yeah. And also, if someone's coming, you've got a 360 panorama to defend. There's no law that might is right. And as we'll hear from the beginning of the Changs' story, It's like just the social rules of the Mongolian step are truly, they're quite funny, they're quite funny, but truly, truly, truly terrifying. So should we get into it? So the story starts with Chang's Khan's mother, right?
Starting point is 00:13:06 And I'm going to tell the story as it's true. As if it's true. As if it's true. Yeah, as if it's true. Suspend your disbelief. We are entering into a parallel universe. So basically, Chengx Khan's mother was, his father traveled to his mother's tribe because apparently there's lots of fit women there, right, famously. So he'd gone there to pick up a wife. So he found
Starting point is 00:13:29 a wife, impregnated her and was taking her home. Now, it's quite dangerous, just traveling in this period, right? She's going with his, uh, Jenghis Khan's pregnant in his wife. Sorry, James Carter's not pregnant. His dad's going with his pregnant wife. And they're travelling. And then a sort of in-cell Mongolian hunter, Mongolia, sees a woman with a man and thinks, well, I could do with another wife. Yes.
Starting point is 00:13:58 So he gets his brothers and they start going after this husband and wife and pregnant. The husband and pregnant wife. basically to save himself the wife says basically to the husband you need to fuck off because otherwise we're by all dead so he immediately just fucks off
Starting point is 00:14:18 don't tell me twice I don't need to be told twice see you later on scroll down because there's a quote from a book I was reading two poor to afford presents to make a marriage
Starting point is 00:14:26 with the wife such as Hoolan Hohan that's Genghis Khan's mother and perhaps unwilling to perform bride service for her parents the hunter chose the second most common way of obtaining a wife on the step, kidnap.
Starting point is 00:14:37 Yeah. So wife stealing is a concept is a thing. Yeah, it's, you only have a right to defend. You only have right to what you can defend, basically. So if you can't hold on to your wife, it's completely fair game. There's not, the idea of like police or anything like that, there's just, it's, it's, it is completely, it's lawless. People think the Wild West is lawless.
Starting point is 00:14:57 There's still sheriffs there. This is just. What's quite funny is that, so the man who's Nick who nicks the wife. Yeah. It's generally called you're so gay. Now, if I would be named, you're so gay, I would be stealing other people's wives to try and prove the fact that I'm not gay.
Starting point is 00:15:15 Yeah. I mean, this is another reason I think it's a fantasy book. The names are fucking ridiculous. And so... You're so gay, Nick's, Genghis Khan's mum. Chingus Khan's mum. And also, so you might think of this whole region is they're all Mongols.
Starting point is 00:15:29 Mongols are a tiny, quite irrelevant part. Come on, please. Of the step peoples. Because they are hunter people who live further north Kind of around Siberia It's cold, you don't have good herding So they're hunters basically And the story of the step is that the horses
Starting point is 00:15:45 Yes These people love a horse Yeah They're the best horse riders in the world Now is that why the term Arguably where the beginning of The domestication of horses started Was on the step
Starting point is 00:15:55 And is that why Mongoloid becomes an abusive term Because they love horses as well Yeah I think so Do you actually know the history of Mongoloid I was looking into it earlier today That's one of the few things of this I was interested Like some early scientific racism thing.
Starting point is 00:16:07 They split the world into three types. There's Caucasoid. Yeah, Mongoloid. I'm not going to say the other one. But weirdly, Caucasoid covers all Middle East of people who are put in with white people, which I thought was quite aggressive. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:24 So there's only three types that they're covering all people. So they're saying like... So there's white, there was Asian and black, but then they basically said Asian was disabled. Is that what they did? I don't know when the Mongolia I guess so Because at some point
Starting point is 00:16:37 That's what that word means Anyway we'll get into the history of racism On a later episode My friend genuinely Quite a thick friend at school Yeah thought Mongolians were called Mongoloids He thought that was like The people from Mongolia are Mongolians
Starting point is 00:16:49 Yeah exactly But the Mongols are just one tribe One small quite irrelevant tribe Scavengers There's the Tartars as well There's the Tartars Yeah There's the Tartas sauce
Starting point is 00:17:00 Bigger, much bigger tribe But they're like they have rich herding culture and that's where Genghis Khan's biological father's from I think and he's it got stolen by his wife got stolen by a Mongolian hunter right right and dragged to this
Starting point is 00:17:16 awful part of the step where the Mongols live basically so Holon, pregnant just got married but it's so commonplace that that sounds like the most traumatic traumatized thing ever maybe it was but just culturally
Starting point is 00:17:32 All right, well, I've got a different husband now. Oh, okay, yeah, see ya. You're just bundled into the back of someone's horse, and it's so commonplace that it's like, it's not like, she's just like, yeah, this is my new husband. How's your wedding? Why've got kidnapped? Ah, well. Right.
Starting point is 00:17:45 And she even said that, apparently, when he left. It was like, you're going to find someone else. It's fine. So they're like, see her. Because I guess that she didn't want to marry him in the first place, because he just took her and. And she was also 14. Right.
Starting point is 00:17:59 And the kind of the key birthing age him, the Mongolian step was like from the age of 12 to 19. Here we go. This is some real hebeophile stuff. Past 19. For key birthing age of the Mongolian book. Past 19, you're considered like an old woman, basically.
Starting point is 00:18:14 Yeah. So, yeah, as soon as you're 12, that's like... 19, you're a raggedy old mill. Yeah. 12 to 14 is peak. Yeah. It's a peak. On the Mongolian step, let's say you mature very fast. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:26 Well, I guess... I mean, the concept of consent isn't really a thing at this point, is it? But it's close. You know, when you say, see, I don't know, because even hearing about Cheng's early life as well, when you see a giraffe being
Starting point is 00:18:38 born and it's running straight out. It's much closer to that with these, because you just had to come out swinging. Right, yeah. I mean, or like when you saw you know that planet Earth where those lizards are bought hatched and immediately attacked by snakes as they're running. Oh yeah, yeah, I see that one. Yeah. That's kind
Starting point is 00:18:54 of what it's like growing up on the step. So you come out and then immediately just start. That's what a lot of the maddest stuff he did was when he was 10 years old. You're like, because it, because yeah, it's like, dog years, 10 years is essentially just 30. Yeah. Ontario, the wait is over. The gold standard of online casinos
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Starting point is 00:20:46 Limited time only at participating Wendy's taxes extra. And they're nomadic peoples who move with the seasons, the step people. So there's no cities. No, it's all tense. They're all, you know. They're all gypsies, basically. It's all green man. festival you know smelly very smelly moving around horses and tents basically that's what we're doing
Starting point is 00:21:07 with isn't it yeah it's a middle-class camping holiday yeah yurts yeah well they actually called gurs and so she gets taken back and she's just one of the guy who kidnapped hers wives he's got many wives which is commonplace yeah and is he kind of like lesooing her what's the kidnap look what's you can lesu but i think uh because he just fucked off the she just accepted it yeah you know right But also like when you're traveling and you just see you see a guy in the distance and you're like he's probably going to rape and kill me. Like if you see like it's a huge field. You won't see anyone for days and you see one person. You're like, well, he's definitely going to kill me. If there's a dot on the horizon, you're worried. You're dead. Yeah. Absolutely terrifying. So she's kidnapped by you're so gay. Yeah. Who's actually incredibly straight, it seems. And he then is essentially Jenghis Khan's stepfather. Yeah, and he's called Temerchin, right? Yeah, he's stepfather, but he doesn't know his actual father, so he's just close to a father as he's going to have.
Starting point is 00:22:08 He calls Genghis Temagim, which is his actual name, because he'd just kill the guy in battle called Temejin. Right. And he would to honor that. Yeah. Yeah. They grow up. Tremagin is born.
Starting point is 00:22:19 I like this. Temmigin's born holding a blood clad. A blood clad. Pussy clad. He's got a blood clot in his fist and everyone thinks this guy is going to be a rapper. Yeah. This guy's going to grow up to lay down some sick lines, some sick verse. Yeah, he's such a, Chengis is such an alpha that he came out holding, he like grabbed on.
Starting point is 00:22:41 He just sort of ripped his mum's in and that's out. So growing up as the kind of bastard, because he's not this guy's actual son. You're also gay's actual son. So Yorso Gay's actual sons would make fun of Chenghis a lot. Which is weird because their dad is literally called Yorso Gay. Exactly. That's what would be the first thing I would have. have and to end this tension because obviously he's like right well these boys even though
Starting point is 00:23:05 they're eight years old they are going to grow up and kill each other yeah so you also gay takes um his son to find a wife in a different tribe finds this woman called borta what a beautiful name clearly clearly looker yeah this gorgeous woman borta and they're they're they're all like eight years old right that sounds like a sort of um like sypriot yogurt yeah burrta yeah it sounds like in your local turkish supermarket that's like one of those it sounds like that thing that Yeah, they have these tubs where you're like... Miss Mongolia's been brought up. Charlie's got Miss Mongolia right,
Starting point is 00:23:36 just as an example of what Borta may have looked like. Mm-hmm. I cannot imagine she was anything other than an absolute cube of a woman called Borter. You think so? I think they're quite attracted to the Mongolian women. No, I'm not saying Mongolians are unattracted. I'm saying the name Borter.
Starting point is 00:23:53 Yeah, if you're calling it, if you're raising a daughter, you can't be calling her... I mean, is it just because it rhymes a daughter? Yeah. Borto Dorda. It's like people who call a dog rover. You're like, you put a second of thought into this. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:06 I think you've got to, when you're naming a woman, you've got to like try for a pretty name. Like you just think, I think less hard consonants. Morta. It's like, throwing up scrambled eggs. Yeah, it's Brezhnev throwing up scrambled eggs.
Starting point is 00:24:20 It's a middle age man who's got indigestion on boxing day. Yeah, yeah. It's that internal burp that my dad does. Yeah, my dad does a lot. It's acid reflux. He keeps speaking, he'll be speaking. and while he's speaking, you'll,
Starting point is 00:24:32 oh, God, it does do that. So Timurgin finds this gorgeous girl called which, remember, they're both eight.
Starting point is 00:24:39 Yep. And even, the interesting thing is that they stay married for life, right? Even though, I mean,
Starting point is 00:24:44 obviously he has sex with a million women. Well, it's easy to stay married for life when you can have 20 wives and you can fuck whoever you want. Yeah, I guess so.
Starting point is 00:24:52 And you can kidnap someone. Funny enough, the male urge to stay with, like, monogamy is quite easy when it's, when it's not monogamous.
Starting point is 00:25:01 yeah but she she stays in the picture you know he respects her a lot it doesn't for such a like brutal man he has a lot of respect for his first wife yeah anyway so they find that uh he's he's staying with borta being raised by that family i think on the way back the dad uh uh is sees this party of tartars right tartar party you know yeah they're having a great time they're eating lamb right he's hungry they're drinking it seems like a great you know vibe and what they drink is they drink fermented horse milk. Yeah, which I imagine... Don't threaten me with a good time.
Starting point is 00:25:37 It's called, like, what's it called? Yeah, I forgot it was called. Cushion or something. Yeah. Stinky horse milk. Stinky horse milk ferment is so stinky that you can get drunk off it. Yeah, and Borta sounds like
Starting point is 00:25:48 the kind of yogurt product of fermented horse milk. And he's on his way back because I imagine, you know, to go from place to place, you'll travel like three days, right? And he sees this lit pie. Also, you say place, there's no places.
Starting point is 00:25:59 No, it's just all... It's... tense. It's all on, um, when you're in like a loading lobby of a video game and you're just kind of walking into a negative space. It's literally a sandbox. Yeah, yeah. There is just endless sand.
Starting point is 00:26:12 Is it, is grassy? It's all grassland. Right, right. And so basically the only thing that can grow there, because it's so far from the sea, is like a couple of types of grass. Yeah, that's why it's all just one thing. So these people are eating grass and then horses and then they're drinking the, the stinky horse milk to get drunk.
Starting point is 00:26:27 Yeah. Now, Temergin is named. after a tartar who was killed by his father yet you're so gay yeah yeah so he knows that he doesn't want people to know that he's killed tartars but he still wants to have a good time yeah so he sneaks in yeah starts partying with everyone and then a couple of them realize it's him now how how are they realizing that i don't know right i mean i guess i mean i don't know how anyone knows anyone no but i imagine it's because there's there's like 300 people where are you from well none of us are from anywhere and he's pissed yeah and i'm pissed yeah where are you from what do you mean where
Starting point is 00:27:00 Where'd you grow up? You know the bit where the sky doesn't end? Yeah. Yeah. And so they poison him and kill Changs' his new stepdad. You're so gay. So Your So Y'O-Gay gets poisoned, which is quite a gay way of dying, I guess. It is quite a gay way of dying.
Starting point is 00:27:13 So after the death of Yorso-Gay, basically then, everyone assumes that, right, well, Holon and Jengis, I mean, not Jeng, or Timergin, and they have some brothers, presumably, as well. Everyone assumes that they're all dead because they haven't got Y'O-Sah to look after them. Yeah. And then Holo... It's one of the least woke times... Yes.
Starting point is 00:27:36 Ever. On the Mongolian step. And we did the Jack the Ripper episode and we're talking about how like any unmarried woman is a prostitute, right? And that felt quite old-fashioned. But because her husband had died, this single mother with five kids,
Starting point is 00:27:52 the whole clan said, look, no one else wants to shag you. So we're just going to leave you by this river. You're 19. You're over the hill. Yeah. You know, you're no longer a milf. Disgusting, disgusting, feted 19-year-old. She's got five, eight-year-old kids.
Starting point is 00:28:06 Yeah. And the whole, the whole clan just go see you. Yeah. And they just all pick up their tents and fuck off, basically. Because this is, because. Leave them to die, basically. Right. But she then, uh, she forages, I heard wild garlic.
Starting point is 00:28:22 Yeah. Onion leaves. Yeah, sound quite French. And onions, I think. Yeah. And that's what they live off as a family. Yeah. For like the winter.
Starting point is 00:28:30 Yeah. garlic onions so I mean it's quite funny that Jenghis Khan fucked a lot of people when he probably had the worst breath of anyone that's ever lived
Starting point is 00:28:39 outside of France they then get to the what the spring and well they survive a couple of years basically even though they should have basically died in the winter and he befriends a kid
Starting point is 00:28:52 from another tribe because I mean they are still coming into contact with other tribes in the area and there's a rule that if you hang out with a new tribe the tribe can't they're meant to like welcome give you hospitality right there's a lot of these kind of step rules and like yeah uh but
Starting point is 00:29:06 he befriends this guy called yamaka it feels like they're older than they are but they're all like eight years old but you know their hunters they're they're much more mature and you know they wouldn't be doing edinburgh shows about struggling to adulting you know you know that that they're getting on with it yeah you know that trend of like kind of millennial women in their 30s talking about how they don't feel i don't feel like an adult paying the bills is adulting Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all that sort of stuff. Like, I'm such a hot mess, you know, all that kind of things. These guys aren't doing that.
Starting point is 00:29:36 They're 10, they've had three kids. Yeah, and they're slaughtering a horse. So he meets Jamulka, who he becomes blood brothers with. Yeah. Which is kind of a relationship that's even more important than your actual brother. Yeah. Which is when you become such busy mates of the guy, which is kind of gay. Yes.
Starting point is 00:29:56 That you swap fluids. Yeah, exactly. That you slice your hand and you, lock and it's sort of like you are now basically as good as brothers right now his older brother begter you know the one that uh he's you also gay thought he was going to have some tensions with yes it becomes clear that because begta's the oldest yeah eventually begter is going to start shagging cheng's his mom as is the rules of the step so the rules are yeah and there's a lot of fruity rules yes there's a lot of fruity rules weirdly we nowadays sort of have the opposite
Starting point is 00:30:29 The old skits to shagg mummy. Yeah. We sort of have the opposite rules now, really. Where if your dad dies, you are allowed to, you have a claim to any of his wives that aren't your mum. Yes. And because Holon is not begged as mum, but it's Timmergen's mum. Yeah. Timmergen's like, ah, shit, you're going to find my mum.
Starting point is 00:30:51 But also, to be fair to them, you know, your mum is only like 12 years older than you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when you have a fit teacher at school, when they're not fit, they're just not 60. Do you know what I mean? They're just like, they're 30. You're thinking of mum as a mum someone's like 30 years older than you, but this is like,
Starting point is 00:31:11 you're basically the same generation. But also everyone, everyone's wearing the same clothes. Everyone looks pretty similar. There's nine people that you're meeting. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of, there's a gender neutral paradise, really. Yeah. So, uh, Chengis and Yamukkah, because it's like I, and I would, I would not like my brother to fuck my mom as well.
Starting point is 00:31:29 do, I do empathize with Chenghis here. Yeah. That would, you know, that would piss me off. They, uh, they kill Begta, right? And it's kind of like, that was, if they didn't, Jengis would be, uh, under servitude to a, his older brother, who's also fucking his mom. So it was kind of like the only way, the options he had.
Starting point is 00:31:47 So him and, is it Jamika? Yeah. So they go, so they're all, they're all by the river. Yeah. They do him without bows and arrows. Yeah. Is that right? I think so something like that's more like, like, either more honorable or less
Starting point is 00:31:59 honorable. And they, no, they leave him to die. Yeah, because there's a big fear of like spirits and touching blood. Yeah, touching blood. There's kind of like a moral panic around AIDS in Mongolia. They don't want to touch. Infected, the infected blood scandal. Yeah. There's a couple of bug chasers who, you know, they, they will touch the blood for the thrill of it. Yeah, disgusting. Yeah, like we used to have AIDS parties. Yes. You used to, when one has used to, when we used to have AIDS parties. Before this podcast, me and Finn, used to have AIDS parties. You don't want to get mixed up with that and a kid's party. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:30 And it's easy to do because they sound so similar. Well, my weekend diary is very, you got a You wouldn't believe well I took the kids
Starting point is 00:32:38 to an AIDS party by mistake. You got a colour code. Yeah. The two different things, right? I was meant to go to Ruth's third birthday party. I ended up taking it
Starting point is 00:32:45 to a jigolo house in Soho and we've all got AIDS now. So now he's on the run though because you can't be you can't be killing lads like this, right? Which I know,
Starting point is 00:32:55 it feels like the Wild West but yeah. Go on. So, okay, I don't really understand why he has to run because surely now he's why is he not big dog he's big dog within his own family yeah but his family are nothing compared to the other families in the surrounding area or the other clans or tribes yeah and if they find that you've killed the head of your family
Starting point is 00:33:13 it's clearly going to be you is oh because begged us the head of the family he's the head of the family yeah he's the oldest boy even though he's 10 years old yes fine right and wants to fuck his mom yeah so it's all and his dad's called you also go somehow he's the main guy so he's the main guy so goes on the run and gets captured by another clan who's subordinate to the clans who who's after him right yeah he gets put into stocks like a big like wooden board around his head basically put into servitude right i know i couldn't visualize this bit like because they said wooden board but then someone else said like it was like a yoke what's a yoke well the way you'd like you'd operate like a cow would wear a yoke to run a plow probably yeah but then i'm also thinking
Starting point is 00:33:56 is he just got a massive like i imagine it it like this where you've got three holes in the plank two for your hands one for your head because part of me thought he had like a sandwich board like free golf sale or whatever you know oh or like a shakutri board no like there's guys that stand in lester square with a sandwich board saying uh you know comedy like this way yeah yeah yeah so you had to like fly a full he's flying for top secret as a punishment for killing his older brother he was captured by the 99 club yeah yeah and um what are they making him do um i mean i'll probably either having him as a slave uh although i i don't actually know if
Starting point is 00:34:35 they like put him to work or he was just uh kept there as a prisoner right right and then on one of the big uh parties these guys were having they're like well we're all going to have a good time no one wants to watch this guy let's leave him with the down syndrome kid right right so he gets um now in this context who's the down syndrome kid you'd struggle yeah yeah yeah what what So someone who actually has Down syndrome. Sorry, right, okay. They're like, we'll leave him with him, you know. And this is when Chenghis sees his time to escape.
Starting point is 00:35:08 He uses his wooden board and smacks the Down syndrome and him on the head. Oh, that's not fair. It's not fair. That's not fair. That's not fair. This is when I realized that maybe Changs is not the progressive I thought he was. No. He jumps in the river and sort of uses the board to sort of float down the river. Right.
Starting point is 00:35:23 And then finds a family who, you know, took pity on him and they take the board off him. he basically escapes right and like a lot of this is all of the original rules of Mongolian kind of culture and stuff seem to have sort of failed him and that's why he's so revolutionary with the ideas that he brings in and so devastating when uniting the Mongol tribes because the caste system and kingship bonds all this sort of stuff have completely failed him like the people who are meant to be his family have turned on him abandoned him right and then strangers have taken pity on him And that's really shaped the way that he's used it.
Starting point is 00:36:00 So he now thinks, well, why don't we get the strangers on board? Well, it's more like, why don't we do things on meritocracy? Why don't we base it on, you know, people on these really archaic rules of first born, second one and stuff like that. He does away with that later in life. Right. And that's what makes his kind of tribes and forces so much more devastating. I see.
Starting point is 00:36:18 Because it's based, like anyone, you can code from being a slave to being a top commander if you're. So he is quite progressive. A lot of things he's very progressive. Genuinely for the time. his empire is about religious freedom he does know it's basically one of the earliest kind of empires to have
Starting point is 00:36:33 kind of complete religious freedom partly because the Mongolians they're not really there's not much of a culture that they're spreading so I guess it's kind of easy to be like that you know because they are brutes in a
Starting point is 00:36:46 in a tent yeah they like horses yeah so it's like hey this religion can we still have a horse yeah fine I don't care I just want to be left I was going to be left in peace to fuck my horse probably
Starting point is 00:36:59 and then drink its spicy titty milk and get off on it. So he floats down river and then he gets freed by some random family and then somehow he makes it back to his home tribe. Now this bit, I'm like, how the fuck's he done that? Yeah. Where is he?
Starting point is 00:37:18 Where does he know where he is? How can he find anything? Well, I guess if you grow up on there, it's like animals knowing how to go home, you know? Like elephant migration patterns. You can look at the big sky and can tell where you are. That's, yeah, crazy.
Starting point is 00:37:33 Yeah. Because there's no landmark at all. Yeah, there's no, there's no, there's not, there's not, like, oh, you see where the shard is. Yeah. It is just a big, great expanse. And it feels like you probably sees people
Starting point is 00:37:44 really far away as well. Right. You probably be like, well, I can see him over there. Yeah, some dots over there. So then he marries, uh, the great beauty, Borta. He marries Borta.
Starting point is 00:37:54 Yeah. Finally he's reunited with his love. And I think at this point, He must be like 12 years old now. All of this has happened. And he finally gets to marry his beloved pot of sour yogurt. But she gets kidnapped. And this seems to be quite like a basically.
Starting point is 00:38:09 Some people have eaten some spicy dinner and they're quite like something to cool their mouth down. But like how it seems to happen is that you're, so that they'd got drunk and they were all sleeping in their tents. And then they hear galloping hooves. Yeah. And immediately all the men just run away and leave all the women. Because they know that if they stay, they're going to die. So it's just like, you're hung over and immediately it's like, it's not even considered cowardly as like the smart thing to do.
Starting point is 00:38:35 It's just to leg it. So you just leave everything for them to take and hope that you can live to fight another day. Yeah, I mean, some of these rules would be quite good to bring back, I think. If there's a knock, a postman arrives at the door, right, got to go. But just like, it's like you've spent all night drinking fermented milk, you're pissed. You wake up with white Russians, basically. I imagine the hangovers are. particularly throbbing
Starting point is 00:38:58 from the fermenting... It's a Glastonbury day four hangover. Yeah, it's literally, you're in a tent. Yeah. And you hear hooves, and obviously because there's so few people on the step, you know, all right,
Starting point is 00:39:09 well, these guys are coming to rape and kill us. Yeah. And then immediately you roll out of bed and you just get on your horse and leg it. Fuck off then. But also, you've got to ride the thing that made you drunk. Right.
Starting point is 00:39:20 Because you're milking the horse to get drunk, and then you've got to ride that horse. You've got to ride that horse. You've got to ride the... home, right? Which is the last thing.
Starting point is 00:39:30 Imagine you get really pissed and then you've got to go back to the pub to get home. Right. Or yeah, you're riding a Guinness barrel. Yeah, you're riding a Guinness barrel
Starting point is 00:39:37 back home. It's the last thing you want to do. Yeah, it's like skateboarding on a, like a bottle of wine. Yeah, horrible. But he gets back
Starting point is 00:39:48 after his wife's been kidnapped. He begs another clan to help him. They all unite and then they steal back his wife. So all the time him and Jamika
Starting point is 00:39:59 are best mates. They're best mates and they're becoming the kind of big stars of the Mongol Empire right? But no there's no empire at this point.
Starting point is 00:40:07 Yes. Sorry, the big stars of the Mongol The Mongol Confederation. Yeah. That kind of small part of modern,
Starting point is 00:40:13 it's not even modern Mongolia, it's a very small little circle within there. But because Temerjin and Jamika are both great leaders and are kind of rising up
Starting point is 00:40:23 in the ranks of the Mongols as they get older and older. then there starts to become a tension of the power dynamic between Temerjin and Jamika right and they have this huge battle and Jamika completely
Starting point is 00:40:36 bodies Changas right to the point where he's like obliterates his forces Changas has to escape and disappears for 10 years yeah it's not clear what he's done no one really knows what he did for these 10 years right yeah there's a complete blind spot
Starting point is 00:40:51 it's a complete blind spot and then he eventually comes back after to probably serving some local warlords and doing stuff for them, he manages to build enough kind of clout to get another army to face off against Jamoka. And now what's interesting about the second time they fight,
Starting point is 00:41:10 Temergen and Jamika, right? Is the use of shamans. Now, what's your, what's your feeling when it comes to shamans? Absolute autistic film. Yeah, yeah. So this is like age of empires, you get a little shaman or shaman.
Starting point is 00:41:24 I don't know. How would you pronounce it? I'd say shaman. How would you pronounce it, Charlie? I mean, he's the wrong guy to ask. Shaman. Shaman. Christ, I'm on Charlie's team.
Starting point is 00:41:31 Yeah. Shaman then. It'll be shaman. I think it's shaman. I pronounce everything wrong. I mean, once again, this is very Glastonbury. I mean, there's a lot of, there's a lot of shaman's. I mean, I do empathise with the desire to kill everyone at Glastonbury.
Starting point is 00:41:44 Yeah. And I famously, I've joked about that before, and that blew up in my face. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Was that on how I got news for you? I went on, have I got news for you in 2020. Which they would have no idea about, by the way, this is before, five news for you.
Starting point is 00:41:54 This is before. Ian Hislop did not make a witty comment about Jenghis Khan. But not as long before how I got news for you as most people think. Like, it's been going so long that it wasn't long after. Jenghis Khan died and about a couple of years later, Paul Merton was born. I went on Avogne News for you and Corbyn was in the news that week. And I said, oh, it was something about Stama trying to get rid of Corbyn. And I was like, yeah, the Labour Party is being held hostage
Starting point is 00:42:21 by, like, it's actually a small number of people who have like an unwieldy influence and all you'd have to do is bomb glastonbury and it wouldn't be a thing anymore. Yeah, which is considering the stuff you say on this podcast or have done since you started speaking into a microphone. Pretty lemon and hurt statement.
Starting point is 00:42:37 Yeah. But then a journalist on Twitter took that clip and this is a journalist that was like two left wing for the Guardian. Right. And then she said that because I went to private school, I meant it and it was a genuine I actually wanted to bomb Gastonbury
Starting point is 00:42:53 and then everyone I was sort of like Because he went to private school Right okay Well that's what she said This guy went to private school So he's not joking Which I feel like she's done
Starting point is 00:43:05 Quite a lot of legwork there Yeah but the private school He's joking He's not joking Goes in your favour sometimes And goes against you sometimes It didn't go off over this time This time it didn't
Starting point is 00:43:14 So I was then kind of They went mad on Twitter For a couple of days And it was lockdowns You couldn't really like escape your phone. So I went to the Ballam Waitrose and just spent about four hours there
Starting point is 00:43:25 because I thought I'm not going to run into anyone. You hid in Waitrose? Well, I just thought, where am I not going to bump into Corbyn's supporters? Right, right, right, right. So were you cowering in the salad aisle? Like, no, I was standing proud in the meat aisle. Proud in the Meadile. You rarely see Palestinian flags in the Waitrose.
Starting point is 00:43:44 Right, okay. Anyway, it did kind of die down. And then that journalist, I got rebrand. book for Vargonauties for you and that journalist died out of shock out of I think it's an unrelated disease right
Starting point is 00:43:57 okay fine but I guess I guess I won I think so so you killed the journalist I didn't kill a journalist she died of natural causes this is something very Chengers Khan it is quite yeah it is a bit it is the someone yeah someone
Starting point is 00:44:12 gave you some criticism and you killed them no no it's more like a Russian oligarch where exclusive mysteriously Kills journalists. Mysteriously, you try and cancel me and then you'll fall out of window three years later.
Starting point is 00:44:24 Weird how these Russian oligarchs keep falling out of windows. Yeah. Can someone please do something about the window fittings? Yeah. Where Russian oligarchs... Yeah, that's the main thing.
Starting point is 00:44:33 There's a huge problem. There's a huge problem. There's a huge problem. The windows have not been installed properly. They're loose windows. You can't, in this country... You can't drink vodka in the cold and have loose windows.
Starting point is 00:44:45 You're going to fall out. In this country, you stay in an ibis. They don't let you open the fucking window more than a foot because they think if there's an oligarch he's going to fall out now do you think maybe starma has been trying a lot of political assassinations but because of the suicide locks on windows it's what's stopping it the budget hotels like you know we're less corrupt than russia but it's just because of the window he keeps sending angela rana to premier ins in the midlands and he's like why should keep coming back i'm booking her a suite in the top floor
Starting point is 00:45:14 well i guess what you do is you'd say it's like it's woke having these windows so as a a kind of anti-woke move we're going to mean that you can open windows fully in Premier Inns and it was like, yeah, fuck those windows and then it's like all of Starma's opponents that get chucked out of windows. Now, do they have suicide locks on budget hotel windows because the hotels
Starting point is 00:45:33 are so depressing that if people would kill themselves if they had the chance? I guess so. I mean, I guess it's more like why wouldn't you put suicide locks on the windows? Because I mean, it feels like a pretty sorry state of affairs when you have a hotel where you're like, well, we have to do that or else every other day.
Starting point is 00:45:49 we'd be scraping someone off the sidewalk. Yeah. Either we spend money on a big net outside the hotel which is going to look bad or we lock all the windows because the more money you spend in a hotel the less suicide protections there are.
Starting point is 00:46:04 Yes, that's interesting, isn't it? Yeah. You stay at a five-star hotel you can jump out of the window if you want. You just write rock stars, you know, that's why that all happens and they chuck TVs out the windows. You can't do that in the premiere in.
Starting point is 00:46:14 Yeah, you could maybe chuck a couple of CDs. Yeah. You could chuck your laptop out maybe. You'd slide out. It was not the same sliding an iPad out of the window. If you were just chucking like all of you two CDs, just like one by one out of a window. Frisbeeing them out of window. But yeah, it's not very rock and roll, just like.
Starting point is 00:46:30 No. No. But anyway, this is not Finn versus Premier Inns. This is Finn versus Chang's calm. This is long before Premier Ins were established. Lenny Henry is not. I don't think they know what a window is. No.
Starting point is 00:46:45 They have no idea what a window is. Well, they hate cities, don't they? Absolutely hate. They think people. living city is a scum. Yeah. They like the great outdoors. You know, they're outdoors of people.
Starting point is 00:46:53 They wear Patagonia fleeces, you know. They're kind of people who are permanently hiking, right? Yes. I would absolutely, yeah. Lesbians. Lesbians. The lesbian hordes. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:06 With a D. Yeah. Well, this is the fight between Jamika and Temergen, the second one after 10 years, right? So, so Jamika. They once again meet in a field, which is everything. Jengis, but he runs away. He hides, they think in Northern. in China but no one knows
Starting point is 00:47:20 I mean it's built the story is built similarly to like an anime right the kind of the way it's structured right yeah and I guess you
Starting point is 00:47:28 you probably hate anime I don't I've never engaged with it I've never engaged you like anime I don't mean know anything about it oh yeah he's neurotypical yeah
Starting point is 00:47:37 well I don't think he's just thick he's not he's not good autism he's just medically fit you can just you can you can Shrek he's in Shrek yeah
Starting point is 00:47:45 I've seen Shrek yeah yeah Shrek's a great film Morning, we're making waffles. I rewatch check, it holds up. Brilliant. Unbelievable well. Absolutely brilliant film.
Starting point is 00:47:55 Also, it's just one of those ones. I don't know what they were doing in the animation in that period because it was, like, Ratt's Two wasn't that long afterwards, but like the ideas that they were coming out with. I mean, what were they smoking when they're, it was like free-form jazz, a rat who can control someone's hair?
Starting point is 00:48:08 I mean, who comes up with the idea of Shrek? Like the premise is so fucking mad. Yeah. I guess what, Ogre? What is the premise? I guess it's Beauty in the Beast, though, isn't it? I guess so. I mean,
Starting point is 00:48:20 yeah, the premise is that an ugly over who knows to fuck someone sees the beauty in him. Yeah. And then he,
Starting point is 00:48:26 the premise, I guess the moral of the story is if you're really ugly and you marry a fit person then she'll become ugly as well by association. It's you always drag people down to your level of ugly.
Starting point is 00:48:36 Yeah. In that you could see someone who's really punching and you'd think, well, I think less of your wife now. Yeah, she's clearly ugly on the inside.
Starting point is 00:48:44 Because there's never, yeah, because there's never a thing where... There's clearly an ugliness that I'm not seeing here. Yeah. Yeah, because you know that whole phrase punching? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:52 That's always a, it's a, it's never done the other way around. You never see someone and go, well, she could do a lot fucking better. She must be, what's wrong with her? You do sometimes, but like at a gig, when you meet a couple, if you say you're punching to the bloke, they'll both smile because it's a compliment to both of them. Yeah. For him, it's like, look how well I've done. For her, she seems to be happy that she wants to be hotter than her boyfriend, I guess. is saying that she's attractive.
Starting point is 00:49:20 Yeah. But if you looked at the woman and said, well, you're punching love, both of them would be offended. This is quite funny, isn't it? It's funny how that's a double standard, isn't it? Suddenly he's like, fuck. Hey.
Starting point is 00:49:30 This is so embarrassing. I'm ugly, not my wife. Yeah, exactly. You need to call the husband. The husbands want to be ugly with a hot wife. That's the dream. Yeah, because I guess it's the implication
Starting point is 00:49:40 and they've got a massive hog. Yeah, something like that, yeah. But yeah, you never say you're punching and you're punching yourself in the face. Yeah. Given how fit you are. Yeah. Going out with that.
Starting point is 00:49:48 that I'll go. You're punching yourself in the face. Yeah. Yeah. I imagine Jenghis Khan was, was punching himself on the face. I imagine Borda was punching. I think Borda probably got punched quite a lot.
Starting point is 00:50:01 That's where this expression came from. You're punching, mate. Can you stop punching your wife? You're punching your wife. Seriously. Please stop punching your wife. Yeah. So, anyway, Jengis and Jammika meet for round two.
Starting point is 00:50:12 Yeah, it's Fury versus Usik, round two. Yeah. and because they're so superstitious at the time clearly obviously as you would be but they don't really have a codified religion as such it's sort of just like mainly folk suspicions like their idea of God is the great blue which is just the sky
Starting point is 00:50:30 yeah like that's all of God to them everything that's not the floor yes and most things are the floor it's floor and sky floor God I've got 10 wives I can punch all of them and they're named after increasingly niche brands or Mediterranean Y
Starting point is 00:50:46 Yeah, like Ganesh, the god with many hands, so he could punch many wives. It's the god of wife piecing, Ganesh, yeah. I like Hindus, listen to this, and at least I'm not going to, oh, fuck, I caught straight out of nowhere. I guess we're not that, we're not close to Mongolia, I guess, from these guys' perspective. From our perspective, yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:04 I still don't really, I still don't know. We're an hour in, I don't know where the fuck Mongolia is. Yeah. In my head, it goes like Ukraine. Yeah, because you're struggling to get your stereotypes. That's why you feel so. Here we go. So this is a map of,
Starting point is 00:51:16 This is the Mongol Empire as it This is the largest it ever gets to Which will probably deal with in the next episode But you've got I don't know where the Mongolian flag is in that Do you not know? Could you not tell where Mongolia is from here? So I think you've got Kazakhstan My wife, you've got that there
Starting point is 00:51:33 So the thing is you would happily do an episode on Kazakhstan Because of Borat But because there hasn't been a boreup This is actually what I'm saying is So the Mongol Empire Everyone says how he's a great warrior Because he unites the step And the step is Kazakhstan
Starting point is 00:51:45 Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan. Sort of, yeah. So they're all Borat. So he's not exactly a military genius, is it? Yeah. If he conquers them, they're just Dillah de, da, de, da, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, of course they're like, I guess this is, like, this is, like, right?
Starting point is 00:52:01 And this is, but Borat is based on what those people are like. Now, so they're like, now. Isn't that? Natt, isn't that? Yeah. So he, yeah, I mean, is he a fearsome warlord, or did he just, did he just conquer Gaborat, basically, it's my opinion. So, right, China, big red, with the stars.
Starting point is 00:52:20 Yeah, and between China and Russia, you see that little gap. Oh, so the Russian flag's actually been cut in half, has it? Because they, right, so that's Mongolia. So that blue bit, bread, bread and blue, that's Mongolia. Yeah. Then you've got Russia. Then there's Yed Zemesh. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:34 And then, so, right, okay. Well, it feels like, yeah, Mongolia, it's, modern Mongolia being caught between Russia and China. It feels like, I don't know. I don't know it feels quite third-wheely. How modern is Mongolia? To be honest, there's not that many people there to even tell us their opinion. Because all I know about it is that they've got Jenghis Khan Airport, Jenghis Khan Vodka. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:58 The capital's called Ulan Bataur. It feels a bit like Jenghis Khan is like the most clear-cut case of big fish, small pond has ever been. Yeah. But that's part of what the story I find it kind of interesting is that it's gone from this guy who at one point was had a fucking plank around his neck in the middle of nowhere to be in the most powerful person in the world. I reckon Mongolia's got to be
Starting point is 00:53:20 one of the last countries to ever get nuclear weapons. Yes, yeah. I think they're probably even below some of the Pacific Islands. Type in Mongolia's population. So Mongolia's like... It's between a half million.
Starting point is 00:53:30 It's about seven times the size of... Yeah, seven times. The UK. Yeah. But there was... It's the population of Wales. It's the population of Surbitant, essentially. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:53:38 Yeah. You talking about getting to Cornwall from East London on the Patreon when you said, when you went full dad mode and you're talking probably take you about six hours if you leave it
Starting point is 00:53:47 at the wrong time it could take you six hours yeah I wonder if the Mongolian dad to like that in on the step right right you're getting from
Starting point is 00:53:56 I don't know that big mountain you're going from bullock to oh blah blah yeah I'll probably take you about you go to rush hour if you leave it the wrong time
Starting point is 00:54:05 you can get you can get raped and killed actually if you leave the wrong time there's marauding hordes yeah are you going to get ambushed on the way that will probably add
Starting point is 00:54:12 another couple of years because you'll probably be kidnapped and put into servitude so you want to follow the sky for about three miles and then turn left at the big sandy rock but if you hit traffic there
Starting point is 00:54:25 my God you'll be stuck for a while because I wonder with you because you're you know you're quite a British dad you're a British bloat and it's because you've grown up here obviously yes it does that mean that you soulfully would be you're like a water
Starting point is 00:54:38 is the shape of any container it goes into like I wonder if you were growing up in on the Mongol step, would you be of incredibly Mongolian guy? I'd be wearing this suit. Yeah. You're saying it'd be this the whole time. You're saying it's nature nurture.
Starting point is 00:54:53 I'm just saying that the kind of people, because Andrew's quite similar, where I just feel like, wherever he would end up, he would be the most from that place. Oh, I see what you mean? Yeah. Oh, so you think I'd be like a Mongolian nationalist.
Starting point is 00:55:03 Yes, definitely. You'd be the most Mongolian dad. I'd be Genghis Khan. I'm saying. Wherever you end up, you'd be the most stereotypical of that place, I reckon. see you, right, yeah, unlike the flag of whatever country I'm born in.
Starting point is 00:55:15 If you were born in Mexico, you'd be wearing a sombrero. There's no two ways about it. Gabran, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so we'll end this episode with the final fight between Jamika and Tamergin. They once again meet again after 10 years. And basically, each side have shamans who will just be a bloke who's made it past 40, probably. Right, so he can see into the future, he's not dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:36 I just feel like the idea of being like a tribal elder and a shaman, it feels like back in the day, you could grow old with age. And I do think the Protestant modern countries, it is kind of globally weird how bad do we treat our old people because we don't give them any chance to be like respected elders. No, we lock them away.
Starting point is 00:55:53 It's like immediately you're getting in the care home. I never want to see you again. If you like stumble over a sentence a couple of times in your 60. Did you just call my daughter after the name of our cat? Put her in a home. Put her in a home.
Starting point is 00:56:04 She's lost it. She's gone. Whereas I think old people, to thrive the most, you want to be able to put loads of mad tattoos on, have loads of piercings, your eyes roll into the back of your head and just start making predictions about scaring young people. That is kind of the most fun you can have as an old person. Right, yeah. But anyway, you have those kind of four old people
Starting point is 00:56:24 on each side who are shamans. Yeah. And on Jamika's side, they tried to summon the storm gods to attack Temerchin, right? And a storm brood, they're like brilliant, but then the storm came back and reigned on them. And because everyone's so superstitious, that literally ended the fight, because they're like the gods pissed off with us the storm magic has backfired
Starting point is 00:56:46 So the most fearsome The fearsome guy ever Yeah The fight was called off Because it rained Yeah It was rained off It was rained off
Starting point is 00:56:52 It's cricket And that's how Temergin actually won that And then Well generally that's it He didn't Oh what And then
Starting point is 00:56:59 And then they capture Yamaka Yamaka's commanders In a way To realize that the powers Moving to Temogen Yeah They capture their own
Starting point is 00:57:07 Commander Bring them to Cengis Because it started raining. Yeah, and they're like, brilliant. Well, look, I brought you this guy. Can I have a promotion in your army? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:14 And Changas, whose whole thing, as you'll see, is about loyalty and, like, you know, being behind your leader, not based on kinship or anything like that. Yeah. He's like, well, you're clearly unloyal, rats, and he boils them alive in a big vat. Right. Obviously, now they brought him Jamika, and he does kill Jamika, but in like a more honorable way. I know what this is. they yamika goes you can i'm not going to fight you can kill me but do it in a way do it like no no one which means no blood spill so they break his back essentially right which i'd say is
Starting point is 00:57:49 still quite bad yeah what what would you yeah i guess they don't have sleep loads of sleeping pills you can't do that no how would you want to go if because it feels like every if you've just got horses and tense how are you how are you dying that's not awful yeah well i guess right my back i feel like I'm not dying immediately. No, because I've just got broken back. I mean, Christopher Reeve broke his back. Yeah. All that did was rule him out of the next Superman film.
Starting point is 00:58:15 Right, yeah. Nowadays, it'd probably rule him in. Yeah. It's a curse and a superbearer. He was born out of time. He was. If he'd been, if he'd just survived a little longer, that role would have come around back for, back for him.
Starting point is 00:58:30 Yeah, or he could have been on the actual tilt. So you're going to happen. He's like, well, we're looking for a disabled one anyway. Literally, he could have been non-disabled and disabled. Yeah, in the Avengers, basically. Anyway, that's been the early life of Chengx Khan. Thank you so much for listening, guys. We'll be back with another episode on the Thursdays.
Starting point is 00:58:52 But that episode is already on the Patreon. If you'd like to know how the story continues, how Jenghis Khan absolutely dominates my wife. Yeah. Um, that episode is already on the Patreon. Also, everything on Patreon is ad free as well. So you can listen to all of these ones immediately without any ads. And there's bonus episodes every Friday.
Starting point is 00:59:15 Yeah. But either way, thank you so much for stopping by. And we shall see you next time. My wife. Thank you.

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