Fin vs History - The most pointless war ever ? | The English Civil War (Part 1)

Episode Date: January 20, 2025

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tables, or join a live dealer game to feel the thrill of real-time action, all from the comfort of your own devices. Why settle for less when you can go for the gold at Golden Nugget Online Casino. Gambling problem call connects Ontario 1866531-260. 19 and over, physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See Golden Nuggett Casino.com for details. Please play responsibly. Right, welcome to Finn versus History, the show for people who like history, but don't care what actually happened. I'm here, as ever, with Horatio Gould. And today we're talking about the English Civil War. Why have we chosen the English Civil War?

Well, I think it's the only war for where both sides are goodies. Yes. Right? And losers. Yeah, and losers. Both massive losers. I think it's kind of like a historian's history topic. It is on the surface, it is quite impenetrable and quite dark.

Oh, it's fucking boring. So much of it, in preparation for this, I listen to some real dry stuff about religious sects. But it's not even religious. It's all Christianity. it's what I love about this one is it's really quite subtle differences yes and it's a lot of bloodshed over quite minus differences so much bloodshed I heard that apparently as a proportion of the population more people died in the English Civil War proportionately than in World War I

and World War II put together yeah but it's double points isn't it it's your own team isn't it yeah exactly yeah but also for so many people to die and then for the end of it they go oh fuck it sorry sorry sorry let's just go you know Let's forget. Sorry, I did that. Just go back to what we did. I've realised from research in this episode how this podcast is going to go is that we're going to have to listen

to the most boring cunts in the world. Yes. And miss remember those podcasts to make it less boring for people listen to this. So we're very much on the coal face. Yeah, of some real dry, some real dry stuff. So we both did history degrees. I didn't do history degrees.

Didn't you? No. Which is kind of worse. Oh, shit. So hang on, how do you know this? I did a film degree. Oh dear. So this is genuinely a hobby for you.

Yeah, I'm a hobbyist. Oh, God. I'm in the shed. Right. Paying Spitfires. So if I've done a bird watching degree, then this we'd be doing a podcast, Finn versus bird watching. Right, okay.

Well, I did a history degree, but at one point, I think it was my final year. I did a history on China, sort of pre-mounted China. And I did it just because I fancied a girl on it on the court. on the course. Was she Chinese? No, no, God, no. Bristol. Bristol.

Bristol. Bristol. She was, she was white as sand. Minty or binty. I forget what her name was. Mint, bin. Anyway, so I fancied her. She didn't know that because I didn't tell her.

I just sort of sat there and kept myself as my tactic. And I, yeah, I failed the exam. In the exam, I realized that I just been so bored. Okay. Because it's not even about, it wasn't like Mao, it wasn't even like Ming. Yeah. It was just trade. Fine.

Chinese trade. Yeah. And I basically made up dates and Chinese names. I don't like you. I just put hyphens in between. That's so different to what you do now. Dingbat low in 1840? That's like a J.K. Rowling character.

Ding Bat low. Yeah, she's in the fourth book. Harry Potter fingers, Dingbat low, I think. Yeah, sometimes with like history in a number. another country where none of the events really affect you, it does just become Lord of the Rings doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like you're learning about trading between two states.

You mean, Rour of the Lings? Yeah, I do. That is what I meant. Rort of the Lings. Anyway, so... Part of the reason we chose English of a war, by the way, is we wanted to get the first episode out without any opportunity of doing racist accents. Like, this is sort of, but you've already broken that. I've broken that. It's not even been four minutes

and I've broken that. It feels like quite a safe zone to talk about. So we need to establish, because we can only assume that there are people watching this are absolute dumb-dums. Yeah. So the English Civil War, we're talking mid-17th century. 16-40s, 50s. So Shakespeare has

been and gone. Been and gone. The Chuders have been and gone. Shakespeare's dead. AIDS nowhere near. AIDS is some way off. So for people who are like, when was English Civil War, it was post-Shakespeare, pre-AIDS. It was pre-airfriarer as well. It's free airfare.

Shakespeare did not die of AIDS. There's very few things I know about the English Civil War, but I can say with almost certainty. Although, you know, there's a thing... I don't know, I don't know. Exactly. You lost confidence in that. I did.

As I was saying that, I went... He sounds like he died of AIDS. There's that theory that Shakespeare was actually several playwrights. Yeah. But what if there were several playwrights for all men fucking him, and that's how he died of AIDS? There's such a funny theory that. It's just there's no way this guy who's not a gentleman

could have written all those plays. Yeah, yeah. There's no way. Anyway, so we're talking about the 16. Yeah, well, let's start. I guess, I guess that any discussion about the Civil War needs to start with Charles I first and the concept on the other sort of side of puritanism.

Yeah. Well, it felt like, so Protestantism was pretty new in this country, and they're still trying to work it out. But it seems like... Hang on, let's go back. So, right, Kings of England, you've got Heming the 8th. Everyone knows what that is. He wanted...

The Tudor, the Tudor Lizzo. Yeah. Yeah. He was gout positive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On his chariots, he was campaigning for not playing for an extra seat on the chariot. He wanted to leave his wife so bad he invented divorce. Yes.

Which I think would make me feel quite bad. As a woman. Yeah. If my husband hate it would be so much that he invented divorce. That would be. The concept of, of, of, of, of, of, finality of a marriage of a relationship i mean that's a breakup and then but then the next one he hated so much that he and he went wrong i'm not just going to divorce i'm going to kill you yeah

he learned he learned how long the bureaucracy of divorce well he learned that if you don't have a pre-up divorce just so you need to kill him in many ways he was sort of a um an early oj allegedly i'd love to hear henry the eighth's advice if someone's going through marriage troubles he's fourth wife in a bar like him sidling up to you just kill him mate just kill him

tell me I've been through the ring more old I've let him live it's just easy if you kill them these lawyers man they clean you out just just lob her head off but this is not about the Judas it's about the English civil war so you have Henry the 8th

who basically starts the reformation which essentially makes England Protestant because he wanted to fuck another woman exactly so the reason why we are a Protestant country is because the reason that we don't nap in the day

and that we have a work ethic is because a fat guy 500 years ago wanted to fuck someone else. Yeah, that's why. That's why we're all sad, but don't tell anyone. And what I love about it is it was actually because he wanted a son and she wasn't giving her a son. He did, he invented, he made us Protestant

just so he could get a son. Yeah. And then the son died almost immediately in the cold, which is awesome. Of a cold. Yeah, yeah. And you know, I love it because No one's tried harder to get a son.

But he was on the throne for like... 15 minutes? Sneezed, dead. But it's so, like, he's... No one wanted a son more than Henry the 8. Yeah, yeah. Gets him and he just goes, Achu, I'm dead.

Right, so then you have Mary, who's Catholic. And I guess the central tension that then leads to the Civil War. She feels very Mediterranean to me. Yes. Well, we'll get into the... Mediterranean women are a big problem in this. in this country still

Mediterranean women I'd say they cause the English Civil War so would I they cause all sorts of problems for men like us Mediterranean women so Mary she's Catholic

she then hates prots I think she burns the prots but Puritanism starts to come in basically after Henry the 8th because there's this idea that and I will stress this is very boring and I know this there's this idea that

Protestantism isn't Protestantism isn't Protestant enough and that it's still too Catholic and by that they mean it's still too pretty and there's still too much stuff on the walls and there's robes I think a big part of it was the clothes yeah well

transphobes are puritans yeah that bloke's in a dress that's not holy there's a lot of different ways to look at it but it's like it was sort of like because it was new people still working out what it was, it turned into

a boring off with who could be the most boring cunts in the world. It was sort of like a test of your piety with how little fun you could have. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, but the Catholics were like, they were fun. Yeah, exactly. So that's why Puritanism is about. Oh, I see.

And then there's Anglicanism, which is like a blend between the two. This is really before I started researching this, I had no idea what any of those Anglican, Presbyter. Well, a lot of the English of War is the Internal things is like how ugly should we make churches. It's essentially a group squabble that's got out of hand. So, yeah, there's something about the robes.

And then, anyway, fast forward. You have Elizabeth I kind of, it settles down a bit. Then she dies without an air. And then you get the Scottish King, James the first, King James Bible. He goes, and then we get to the guy. His high fixation was witches. So that's why Shakespeare wrote Macbeth. James just love witch stories and stuff

So he was just like Tears down on witches Well which one which Shakespeare Because he was a live drinking Because he was a live drinking But Shakespeare was 12 guys with AIDS Yeah it's true It's true as I guess it's by council

It was Harvey Milk So Elizabeth I died for that And then we get We used to James first Then we get Charles I'm sort of The central character in this story Now Charlie producer Charlie

If you could get a photo up of Charles The First Charles the first is flamboyant, and the first thing, 1625, when our timeline begins, he marries a spicy Latina Catholic. It's an easy road to go down, but it's always going to have problems. What does you expect? She's French.

Okay. We've all had a mate who's had a French girlfriend gone a bit weird. She's got a fringe. She smokes rollies. At this point, I am surprised with him. Like, it's not his fault. Like, you know. I mean, you look at that guy, you think he's got a French girlfriend,

he's a bit annoying. That guy's, that guy, you probably went to film school with that guy. He's got a, yeah, I mean, he's kind of a pirate, it's a kind of pirate hipster. Russell Brand sort of vibe. Very Russell Brand. Yeah. I guess maybe that's the problem, isn't it? This is Russell Brand pre-Rumbull when he was getting away with it.

What's funny about the English, so I think a civil war teaches you a lot about a country, no matter, whichever countries it in, it shows kind of the truth of this country. Yeah. No one really cares about the English Civil War globally. It's not like the French Revolution or the American Civil War because... It's because it achieved absolutely nothing. But also, it's

because, like, it's incredibly radical. It's the first time that they've got rid of a monarchy ever. Yes. Yeah. Ever. So that should be incredibly radical, right? But it's kind of like no one really wanted to do it. Just Charles was such a cunt consistently. Yeah. that it became inevitable, and we went back on it almost immediately.

In terms of like a line of progress, like, you know, the Russian revolution, things happen, the country changes, you can argue whether it's better or worse. But with the British, with civil war, it's this happened, things got worse, they cut a head off, they go, oh, sorry about that, and it's a circle. Well, it feels like it's radical in the way like an English guy who stumbles into Bergheim, and it's just very uncomfortable, and is constantly asking his German friends, when can I leave. Yeah, but he then does. get fisted several times and then he leaves and he goes let's never speak about that again

never speak about that again yeah the whole war did feel like it's sort of like a hand shake they got out of hand yes it was a game of bridge that took a left turn and we'll never speak of it again but it's also an interesting topic for this first episode of this show because I I'm much more uh I love nothing more than 19th century imperial history yeah and you're far more um what I would deem mystical sure sure you're what pre pre 17 It's terrifying. Terrifying. Yeah, I'm like it, into the occult.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the Raj. I'm Mishandahouhara. I'm redcoats. That's me. Sharp. I love all that. That onwards.

Industrial warfare. Ostrich feathers. Yeah. I'm a guy wearing a loincloth pulling a rock. I don't like, isn't it? So anyway, so Charles is the first sense of the throne. And something about his sort of foppish character. He likes, he's very, very.

he's a dandy he's Russell Brandt he's Russell Brand he's oh all right oh I don't watch a play he then gets into basically everything he does is sort of

he's pretty mad he gets into a war with France gets into debt and the early tension is with Parliament so I don't know when does Parliament start when do we have a Parliament for? Parliament I think it was the first Parliament was like

1300s I think and it was the first time anyone had really done that yeah um and so like in english history we'd kind of establish the parliament had a lot of rights and he what was very popular at the time was the uh idea of personal rule which is the divine right of kings which is him saying yeah basically the only person who's my boss is god yeah the only person i'll listen to so you got very high on that and just like didn't think you need to speak to parliament at all so there's this whole you know you need to get i think you need to get i think you need to parliament to sign off on wars essentially and

so he then he was like a trust of ferian though he was just yeah he's that was kind of like he just he constantly wanting money he didn't want to explain where he was going he wants to just hang out with his French girlfriend he was to go away and then

basically at some point what is it he raises funds through taxes which are very unpopular all the and he opposes Catholic leaning reforms which could be as much as putting a coloured cloth on a table. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not beige. That's too garish. In my head, almost the Puritans, the Protestants are like, they're sort of autistic, and they're over-stimulated by anything that's like purple or... But this is where... They walk into a church and they're too much. It's different levels of it.

It breaks off to so many different... The Puritans are the people who eventually end up in power, but that was just a tiny small minority. It was like woke people on Twitter. Yeah. The Puritans. They're basically blue-haired they-themes. Yeah.

You had these really strict rules. They didn't want any fun. They were all black. They're all black. Yeah. So they're gender neutral. Yeah. And also most of the country didn't agree with them at all.

They just ended up being... They're like, those people are pretty weird. What do you mean they? There's one of you. The country is essentially boomer dads. Yeah. And they've been... What'd you mean you've killed the king?

I liked him. This country's gone mad. Yeah. And what I also love about the English Civil War as well compared to the other civil wars is it's like America's Civil War, right? The North versus the South. It was a war where Southerners were like,

we want to pay black people nothing to work on plantations and the North wanted to pay black people a tiny bit to work in factories. That was sort of the... But people believed in it, right? That was like a clash of values. Here, no one had any idea what was going on at any point. No.

Everyone in the English Civil War was like the Hobbits in the Shire. Yeah. Well, at this point, we're bog people, essentially. They're tending to their turnips, ask about it, I don't bloody know. Everyone who's in charge of a bloody bastard to me. They have no idea what's going on. It's Rona Week. Now until Wednesday, rain or shine, you can always be building yourself a better summer.

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I mean, I don't think a lot of people who were fighting in it had any ideas going on, because it's about such small differences. No. This wasn't the people raising up and getting rid of the king. No. This was a group of other white gentlemen saying, well, can you respect us a little bit more within... It's a bunch of they-thems.

We raised a sort of militant army. Yeah. And then try and cancel Russell Brand. Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it. That's what's happening. So, there's some point where Charles wants to go to war with Scotland. Yeah.

Or even though he is king of Scotland. Yeah. And so he raises armies from England and Scotland but as King of Scotland he has to pay both armies so he's essentially putting both countries into debt to fight a war with himself

that he manages to lose on both camps and then everyone's being taxed to fuck so it's sort of like it didn't go to plan sorry about that it's sort of Liz trust levels of economic incompetence but presented by Russell Brands

but once again the Scottish war was over the colour of cloth this is once again again my new differences in the wording. The Scots are Presbyterian which is my heritage which is I have no idea what is it you do it in an accent do you wear a kilt when you read out the Bible

like what? Presbyterian work ethic is the most extreme of anyone yeah yeah yeah more than Heinzfein Kleinian well the thing is you've got the German the German Heinzs but the Scots are like you know they're wincing this peaty whiskey

sure it's horrible it's horrible It's disgusting. Does they drink that for fun? There's a bleakness, yeah. There's pleasure in this water. The water. They go on about their water. How it's a taste of water.

Yeah, yeah. So, anyway, so the Scots are pretty hardcore Puritans. But like, do you know any distinguishable difference from the Presbyterian Church and the Church of England? Is there anything noticeable apart from the fact that... The Presbyterian cakes are much harder. Fine, okay. That's what I mean. why this topic isn't really that big

worldwide because it's so impenetrable it's so boring it's the perfect first episode the most boring war yeah so anyway so the Scottish one to keep their cakes harder hard as opposed to like slightly hard English women some bubbles in them

so listen oh fucking hell I don't know at one point Charles tries to get Parliament to sign off on one of his mad things and then Parliament says no and at this point because parliament's just been like you're just getting a bit catholic it's a bit much it's a bit much like all this you know this girl yeah it's literally like you used to be fun and this you know henriette oh god he bought henrietta again i'd want to come around and have some cans and play

beer pong or henrietta says that beer pong's actually symbolic of the patriarch yeah it's like boris johnson's wife it was very yeah it's genuinely yeah no it is carrie simmons Henryette's Instagram is a disgrace Yeah Exactly And now he's He's wearing beads

Yeah He's got like a He's like Russell Brand He's doing ice baths in the garden He's got a free Palestine badge Yeah He's like all right if I get Yeah

Like you used to be Shagra of the year In the sun Yeah yeah What happens? Charles Anyway Tensions escalate 1642

Again This is very much Nothing Nowhere near AIDS Aides is not a part the story. I don't know why I keep mentioning it. No one's even considered the idea of an air fryer at this stage.

It hasn't even crossed their mind. There's not even frying pans, I don't think. I think it's popped. No one's even thought of it by accident. I think people mainly eat, what are people eating? Stews mainly. Her potatoes and tomatoes might have just arrived. Tomatoes haven't arrived.

No, they're not there, yeah. This is pre-tomato. Yeah. I imagine, yeah, it's chucking whatever's nearest into a pot and boiling it. It's a sheep's head in a pot with some water, put a potato. in it, see what happens. So Charles in 1642 is trying to get

funding from Parliament or partner to sign off on some war. I don't know which one and who cares. So he starts trying to arrest his MPs. Which is quite iconic, I think. I think there's something quite funny about trying to... Fuck this. You're going to check. It's more like, it's sort of like an unspoken

rule where we're all going to dress you up as the king and say your leader. But then when he actually starts pressing it, it's like, well... Well, we can't do that. You can't just say... Well, no. How about that I fucking arrest you?

Well, no. Hang on. Don't take it that seriously. Guards seize him. So there's a point where he arrives to Parliament with some guards to try and arrest five MPs. They say no, and then war begins

because they say no. So he goes, oh, fuck. And then he just runs away. And I think he goes north. He goes north. So he goes to York. Because the strongholds for the royalists. So the strongholds for the parliamentarians was London and the southeast. Sort of the blue that right belt.

The blue wall is royalists. Sorry, it's parliamentarian. Yeah, exactly. That's kind of always been the stronghold. Because that's where all the radical ideas are coming in from Europe. That's why you make a joke about Princess Diana and Kent. They don't. They don't.

Fuck is she was England's Rose. Yeah, exactly. That sort of people. They're the people who are cueing off. Yeah. They go to the Chelsea Garden show. Yeah. Chelsea Flowers show.

There's all that kind of like smiling as you drive by, but there's a seething anger underneath. Yes. Yeah. So they're parliamentarians. Yes. They're parliamentarians. The worst comedy crowds in the world. That sort of region.

The kind of Kent Sussex belt. Awful. And then the royalists actually have a lot more power in like Wales. Some of in Scotland and the north. Because the parliamentarians are quite. distinctively English, I feel, and the crown is British at this stage. There's a bit of that

dynamic going on. Yeah, and what I also love about this war is how, when the battles begin, they're always in, like, they're in, like, the sort of the tamest bits of the country. Like, Shropshire. Yeah. It's like, yeah. There's been a massacre in Shropshire.

It's a bleak tour, if you look. Yeah, yeah. If it was a, if it was a comedy tour of these places, that is a bleak run. Warwickshire. Beryk. Barrett, yeah. So we should probably we should probably also introduce

the other character in this story because the Civil War has begun but we don't know really who the parliamentarians are or what they want. They think Charles, they don't like Charles versus new French girlfriend. He's too Catholic. But like you say, there's an extremist element

that most people aren't buying into. The parliamentarians are as a block, they're quite puritanical. Yeah. And their leader is, is, well, a divisive figure, Oliver Cromwell.

Well, he becomes their leader within the bowels because he does... He's an MP who gets elected in 1628, I think. Do you get a photo of Cromwell up, Charlie? So he basically, he's just an MP

in like East Anglia. Again, the most... This is like just the... Yeah, the tamest. It's not even like a civil... It's the most boring counties in England. And also the reason why Cromwell rises to the top is he wins the boring off.

Yeah. Like he is the most boring. He's the most boring guy. Yeah. Well, his views are the most boring possible. Yeah. No one's more extreme or radical in their boringness than Oliver Cromwell. I don't think we should have Turkey at Christmas.

I think we should have Christmas. Yeah. It's just, and yeah. I mean, look at that guy. Fucking hell. I've seen that guy not laugh on quite a lot of front rows. Exactly. And his famous quote for this painting is paint me warts and all, right?

which is like make me boring. Did you know about Warts and All? No, I didn't. Did you know that? The term Warts and All comes from Conwell. Does it? When this painting was being painted, they said, do you want me to take out,

do you want to make you look better? Do you want to touch it up, basically? Do you need to put you through face out? No. No, put me warts and all. Make me as ugly and boring as possible. Make me more warty. I want a bigger warts.

He's got a shit lid. Yeah. He looks like someone who was at one point trying to be Russell Brand. But then their hair started falling out. We had to take a hard pivot into music teacher. It's a really boring. Yeah. What's that? You've just brought up Charlie.

Is that a cast of his head? Yeah, brilliant. Boring even in death. Yeah. So round heads versus cavaliers is the two sides, right? Yes. Both are slurs. Yep.

Cavalier is a slur for the royalists. Fopish, foreign, gay, essentially. Cavalier is a gay man. Gay, gay Spaniard. It's foppish gents. It's an old boys' club. It's, yeah, it's a lot of... It's people who care about their tailoring.

They're talking about poetry. These are... And it's verse roundheads. I'm a roundhead! Yeah. Who are these squat little... The parliamentarian force who...

They're not... Yeah, they're not... They don't have much humour, these guys. No, there's several theories as to why Roundhead is a... a term. Yeah. One of them is that

traitors to the crown would have their ears cut, trimmed. So you still have ear holes but you'd have no one of this. Can you hear stuff? Yes, because you still have the hole in your head is still there.

Yeah, but I don't think it's, you need the acoustics of the ear, right? Otherwise, what's the point of the ear? I don't think you need the ear. Charlie? Can you Google if you need your ear? I don't think, can you, if you've got a hole, just two holes in the side.

Well, that's what these people, are you saying that the round heads were deaf. Well, some of them were. The ones it were roundheads. That's why their work ethic was so good. Are you saying the Civil War is essentially between gays and deaf people? I am, yeah.

That's exactly what I'm saying. When you were studying this for the first time as I think kid. Oh, fuck off AI overview. Yes, you need your ears for hearing and balance. Balance, that's a point. Yeah, that's interesting. The roundheads were like those things outside of cardio ships. They were like folding pins.

All you had to do was mock the first one over and they don't... That's why the Royal The Royalists win the first battle in Poick Bridge because, yeah, they just push the first one over and they all... Yeah, it's probably a nice pub there but not much else, Poet Bridge.

It's probably like a sort of northern lesbian community, Poet Bridge. So yeah, Charlie, find out if you need the actual ears... Yeah, more importantly. The flop, what do you call... So you've got earhole, canal, hole, and then you've got all this stuff.

Yeah. Loads. In my head, it goes, you speak, and then it bounces is around like a pinball in the ear and then it goes in and that's what makes it sound. Yeah, but no. So I think you'll still hear a ringing

if you don't have the flappy bit. No, the sound goes it. Here you go. You don't need your earlobes. In lobes, yeah, obviously not these. Yeah. But is this an earlobe? It's an erogenous zone.

Well, that makes sense actually because the roundheads, they're not into any other. They're anti-sex. They feel like eunuchs these, the roundheads. They're kind of like, you know. They're like, you know.

They're like, woke eunuchs sexless, asexuals asexuals, that's who they are. They're asexuals. Yeah, some of the worst people to run into a dinner party. You need your outer ear to hear

because it's the first part of the ear that sound waves encounter. It's like a net. But, yeah, but you can still hear noises. Yeah, you'd hear like a no, no, I think you'd hear you'd hear words.

What was that being then? What? You need your outer ear to hear, but it's just the first part of the ear. Go on, Charlie. That's what I've been saying. Yeah. Straight into the hole. But that's like saying you need arse cheeks to do anal.

Well, that's an interesting question. I didn't know I'd be speechless this early. into the podcast. It's the first time that the juxtaposition between what I'm saying and the set has really struck me

when he went well that's interesting well that is interesting it's the idea of an 80s academic going well you don't need ask you to know well that is interesting

that is an interesting supposition so when you first learned about English Civil War when you're a child oh you're staying on this Charlie Google if you need to ask chicks to do Aeney

you're on pizza laptop I think or you're on your laptop You've googled that before, I'm sure. Do you need your ars cheeks to do anal? Well, yeah, I guess it's sort of, it depends what kind of... It depends what school of thought you subscribe to it. Well, I guess that's the thing about academia, is it?

There's two theories. Yeah, is it the whole thing. Right. But this is, okay, let's... You get us back on track. So when you were first hearing about the... Good Lord, just get rid of that, Charlie. Go back, go back, go back.

I'm scared. I'm scared. Thank you. So when you were first learning out English from war as a boy, Do you learn about the school? At some point, but it was very, pretty much all I remember is the king got his head cut off, Cavalier Roundheads. Like it's almost a heroic victory for democracy is how it's told. But it's not that at all because as you say, no one knew absolutely what happened.

No, no, no, no, no, no, it was going on. It was by accident the most radical thing that happened to that point. It was a military coup by woke people. Yeah. That's what it was. But when you were first hearing. at the Cavaliers and the Roundheads, when that story is being told,

who did you naturally side with? Well, in my head, Cavalier was Cavalier Spaniel. And the Roundhead was like a, you know, horrible shit dog. Like a bulldog. So I went Cavalier. I've saturday with the roundheads.

Well, you are, you have a roundhead. Because of my fucking huge. Well, you've got a tiny head, actually, famously. So the round head probably, the folks on the head probably didn't appeal to you at all. I tried to just move past that. I was like, oh, I like dogs.

I was like, with my giant head. Finally, I'm a hero. But yeah, naturally for some... Because with all these things, I don't know, you end up just picking aside in your head. And yeah, I just found myself supporting the round. I just like the idea of cavalier. Yeah, but also cavalier, here we go.

So this is the other thing about the English Civil War is that it is the... When autistic 40-year-old... I've said this many times. There's no one more autistic than a 50-year-old. you're a British man. Yep. When they do battle reenactments,

in my head they are reenacting the Civil War. It's true. Why is this one? Because I guess it's on English soil so you can do all the... English soil, it's, uh, there are muskets and there's horses, and there's dogs, there's lots of dogs. Yeah. But there's, and the swords.

Yeah, it's sort of like... There's cavalry. In the same way, Doctor Who encapsulates a certain type of British autism. The English Civil War also does that. It's kind of like, it's pure British autism. There's no other reading of it. Because World War II, there's a lot of other stuff going on as well. There's lots of other stuff going on.

But here, it's only that. I think it's fair to say that you would call the English Civil War, the autistic Civil War. Yeah. In that it's too... Well, I think the roundheads are autistic and the cavaliers are neurotypical, right? That's the kind of vibe you get. Do you think? These guys are flamboyant.

They're wearing, you know, big, poofy shirts. Yeah. And they're too much for the autistic roundheads. heads. But yeah, the battle reenactments, yeah, it's because you can play both sides. But we should also, we should talk about the actual the violence.

It's happening in the tamest county as possible, Shropshire, Warwickshire. There are swords, there are guns, there are horses. But Cromwell, who has never fought at all. No. He's just an MP. Yeah.

It's like a local counsellor, essentially. Yes. And then they give him a sword and a horse. And it turns out he's an absolute monster. He turns out he's a fucking boss man. And he is. It's shredding, absolutely shredding Cavaliers. He's cutting their heads off.

There's a story about one battle where basically he gets knocked off quite early by one of the gay guys, cavaliers. Yeah, it's gay versus autistic. It's gay versus autistic. It's Remain Leave, isn't it? It's Remain Leave. It's Gay versus Disabled. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4.

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Ooh, are those beautiful gold earrings? Did she pay full price? Or that leather tote? Or that cashmere sweater? Or those knee-high boots? That dress, that jacket, those shoes, is anyone paying full price for anything? Stop wondering. Start winning. Winners, find fabulous for less. It's Brexit. So, yeah, so Cromwell, because this is still in the era where the leader would charge first.

Yes. Which is a military tactic, is fucking mad. Yeah. That's like Hitler and Churchill. It's coming to the end of that, right? Hitler and Churchill on horses, music in France. And then one of them shoots the other one, and that's it. Yeah. Churchill dies. a heart attack just before he reaches. Getting on the horse. Yeah.

Anyway, but Cromwell falls off his horse or gets knocked off his horse by one of the gay guys. And then what should happen then is that he should be impaled by the lance or whatever. But all his little roundhead, they all follow him and they form

a thing around him and they fight off and then they resist. Which, that didn't happen. Normally it was like the leader gets knocked off and they go, Oh, fuck, we've lost him. Really? Yeah. But they were so, they loved him so much.

He was so hardcore. Yeah. And I think this, because they're also, they're like full on. Well, he's their, he's their, he's their icon. They do believe in the puritanical cause, these guys. They are, they are fucking boring. But that's what makes them. He's the most boring one of all.

We can't let him die. That's what they're thinking. Yeah. So anyway. But these boring guys, boring English guys, yeah. As history proves do make, is a terrifying. foe like sexless English guys

who are you know getting to bed early are some of the most devastating forces to face in the world yeah it is in court was the same that those guys the French guys will fucking each other and then the English were like praying before going to battle that's one of the most terrifying people to come up against yeah yeah yeah because there's no element of fun at all they will not be distracted from beating you

they're literally the fun police yes they are the fun place yeah Anyway, Parliament, it's going on a bit, right? We're getting into 1644, and there's still no... All the battles are just kind of like, draws. No one has the superiority to beat the other one. Occasionally, a Hobbit in fucking, you know, Carlisle will look out of his window. Huh? And be like, I don't fucking...

Anyway, that's 1645, the New Model Army has founded. Now, is the New Model Army the first Army of... its kind, the first professional army. Well, what they did is they got rid of all the commanders that weren't English. Okay. And so they had Welsh, Scottish, and they basically went, these guys, these guys are too fun. Get rid of these cunts.

Put some real boring, stamp collecting hedge trimmers in and we will boss this. So that, yeah, so Cromwell then rises to quite high up in that. There's a guy called, who's the other guy? There's another, Fairfax. Yes. So Cromwell defeats the Royalist

Naizby 1645 So this is a brutal army this one This one just They're just They're trained They're professional

They're mercenaries But they're also They're kind of like jihadis They really believe They're boring jihadis Yeah They wouldn't fly a plane Into a building

Because that's too exciting They would They would They just sort of push off a bridge Or so I don't know what they'd do They're screaming Alu Akbar

You know They're Quietly In a soundproof room So Charles Surrenders to the Scots in 1646 The Scots aren't really I don't know what they're doing

I don't really know I think at one point they come in and I don't care It's really hard to know what's going on And who like they Both sides don't care that much Apart from Cromwell And his boring ultras

Not many people seem to really be that passionate About what's going on Or not even know who's on No one knows at the time what's going on They weren't calling it a civil war. They were just calling it.

This is a bit weird, isn't it? What's going on here? So, but anyway, the 16, the first civil war, because when we talk about the civil war, really we're talking about three wars. The first one ends, 1646.

Charles surrendered to the Scots. The Scots hand him over to Parliament. He's like hostage. I think he goes to the Isle of White or something. Yeah, he goes on holiday. He just goes, oh, fuck it. He goes in a boring boating holidays. the Isle of white.

There's then the interbellum. Yeah, what is the interbellum? Now, I thought that was a part of a woman's anatomy. I thought it was a woman's gooch. Yeah. They're not the female gooch. Charlie, what do you call the female gooch? Interbellum.

I have no idea. Can you Google it? Fucking hell. I'm not asking you what is called. The interbellum is. So it's, oh, here we go. The perennium. Perennium, that's it.

Yeah, so not to be confused with the perennium. In American slang, the perineum is also known as the taint. That's disgusting. Yes. I think that's probably one of the worst anatomical drawings I've received. That's really full on. Right, it's one of English of War and now we're looking at a woman's taint. Anyway, so the sort of the taint of the English of War is happening here, right?

Yes. This is the taint. Yeah. Yeah. So if you just gone through the shaft and balls. Yeah. And now we're in the taint. And we're waiting to get to the arse.

Awesome. Which as we've established, you do not need cheeks to get to. Yeah. So the interbellum is the bit in between the, well, now, see, interbellum is Latin for interwar. So this is, because the civil war is really several wars. And at this point, Parliament has won the first one. But they keep giving Charles opportunities To not be a cunt

Because also they are all English And they also do kind of still one other king They just keep going like right I know you've been a bit of brick We've beaten you a lot We'll forgive you You go back on the throne Just promise not to be a prick

Don't be a prick promise No No Okay Okay then Immediately arrest him now Yeah Something happens

Oh yeah A Scottish invasion happens 1648 which sparks another civil war which Cromwell just fucking dominate like within months he's gone super sagan

now he's cooking and when Cromwell cooks people get fried and then the royalist like let him cook and Cromwell's just like ah what what swords boring

everything needs to be more boring it's funny how life must have been incredibly exciting in order to make it like war must be so exciting for him cavalry leader in charge of the the hottest cavalry at that point was he at the whole time being like this is way too fun

the flag is beige yeah the standard is beige is this the standard is this yeah I don't know was he feeling sinful for having this much fun you know well that's an interesting question is he like I just got to get through this bit of fun yeah and then I promise finally we can be boring It could be the most boring guns in the world.

So, Second Civil War, crushed by Cromwell. And at this point, Parliament goes, right, Charlie. Yeah, Charlie boy. Charlie boy. Come on.

Fucking. Can we call it? Can we just? Yeah. Please, stop. No one knows why we're fighting. No one knows why we're fighting. It's kind of only your fault.

I don't care. Look, you want to marry the French girl. We'll marry, I don't care. Fucking, yeah, we'll just deal with it. We just won't invite us and stuff. It's fine. Just stop being weird, Charles. But they basically say, this is when they start calling him the man of blood.

No, Charles. No, Charles. Because they then, they get him to sign something that says, you started, you started all this. We ended it, we beat you, and then you fucking, you started it again. So, man of blood, or blood man, but obviously nowadays we'd say a man of blood, person of blood. Yeah, well, it's just sort of like a fight with a bouncer, with a drunk guy. Yeah, just keeps coming back. And then it's like, I promise I'm going to, he's been extra.

restrained. Yeah, okay, I'm done, I'm done. And as soon as they let off, he goes to smile. His eyes are looking. He's like,

you know, I'm done. I don't want to come back in. I'm fine. Come on. And he falls over straight away. So then Charles is in prison. But no one really knows what to do because it's essentially a military coup.

And they're like, this is the really fascinating bit. It's the trial of Charles I first. Which, they're like, right, we're going to put you on trial. Which I can't imagine it's really happened much ever before.

But never happened before. Yeah. So this is a new ground. No one's really tried a king in this way where they're about to chop it potentially chop his head off. Yeah. No one has done this.

Because the French always get credited for this sort of stuff. But we did do it first. We just really didn't like, we really regretted it. Yeah. So it's not. But Charles I first,

he's locked up. Yeah. They try him. But he never, he never says, he says the court isn't valid. He's just like No, no.

How do you plead? Well, I don't plead, actually, because I don't... Who are you? You know, he's all that. And his French girlfriend's just fucking smoking... He just wants to raw dog his hot Latin girlfriend. Sure. That's what he wants to do.

And what shit films with it. And if that's a sin, then drop my head off. If I'm guilty, then it's just going to chop my head off. All right, well, it is. Well, it is. Oh, no. No, so don't do that. Don't do that.

If having a spicy Latina girlfriend is a sin, then chop my head off. It's a sin. she's not boring enough but Charles actually becomes a bit of a ledge during the trial he's like it's a what's that film few good men or something or yes well you can't handle the truth

this whole courtroom's out of order that's what he starts he starts doing that yeah he brings he says some cool like get the quotes up Charlie he says something he says some mad stuff during the trial I would know by what power I am called hither

I would know by what authority I mean lawful problem is in this day and age it was English, but they mix up all the words, so it kind of never makes any sense. Yeah, I do stand more for the liberty of my people than any here that come to be my pretended judges. All right, well, less words, than any here that come to be my,

that's not, you can't speak English, Charles, you can't be king. This one tie, the one bond, is the bond of protection that is due for the sovereign. That's not the voice. This is what's fascinating. The voice will be, all right. Yeah, because there'll be, I do stand more for the delivery of my people than any year to come to be my pretending,

The judges. Even the gentleman. Even, yeah, because everyone, it's like, because I'm from Oxford, right? Everyone assumes that Oxford's posh. But obviously Oxford, the academics are posh. But Oxford accent is fucking West Country. You're at Wilstra, all right.

We're right. Apples and carrots in a car. It's this country. Yeah, yeah. And it's what most people spoke like. And actually, the American accent was based off the pilgrims who went in the 1600s, right? On the Mayflower.

On the Mayflower. Puritans. So there were Puritans before, that when Charles, I think before Charles has ended as 1620, I listened to an incredibly boring podcast about that. So, Charles of England, in a Scottish accent, that doesn't, Charlie, I, that doesn't sound right. I feel like he had a West Country.

He also had a slight stutter and a soft voice. So maybe these quotes, they look better written down. Yeah. But you see him go, um, I mean, the liberty of, I tell you, I'm the martyr of the people. I'm not talking to speak. Yeah. But there was Puritans in America and they actually sent troops back the Americans

because they heard, because they were some of the most boring counts of the world who had actually left England because it was too fun. Then they set out. To go to a new world. And make it even more boring. Even more boring. And they heard that there was a civil war going on where the borings were rising up and they decided to send resources to those back.

Well, this is it because the royalists, they all hang out in Holland. Amsterdam, which makes sense because that's like the funnest place. So they're just like, like Charles II, Charles's his son, he fucks off to Amsterdam

and it's just like, he's completely party boy. Nailing bongs. Yeah. He's just like, I'll wait for all this to blow over. Yeah. He got pissed, hit up a tree. Yeah.

Wow, man. He thinks the tree's a house. He tries to check into a hotel, but it's a tree. So he's completely blazed and ends up up a tree. And no one can find it. It's like, it's like the hangover.

No, everyone can see him. He's just like, that guy is gone. He is out of it. There's no point trying to get him. No, it's like the first hangover film where everyone's looking for him. I've not seen that hangover. You're not seen a hangover? No.

Well, yeah, one of their friends get stuck on top of a building and they're trying to find him because they can't remember anything. Oh, I see. That's sort of what it's like. Right, okay. Anyway, we've skipped ahead a bit. The trial, we should probably, I tell you what, we'll leave it on a cliffhanger. we'll see what happens

we'll be there we all know what happens but this is the other thing that's mad right is that it's funny that pubs are named

after the things that happened in this and you think about like so a king getting his head chopped off spoiler alert is for the time it's like a hot

it's a paradigm shift right it's like you can't just chop his head off because people still think that the king is sort of godly and they've seen that like that's mad tragedy that kind of paradigm shifting tragedy

it's an English 9-11 right this is what I mean it's like calling a pub the second plane what and painted onto like a wooden board the paint onto one sign is the plane going or it's like do you want to go for a quick half

down the boxing day tsunami like it's so awful The pub crawl, do the first plane, then second plane. Then the Tower 3, Tower 7. Then the Pentagon. Then the Benz gone. Then United 93. That's just some cans on a bench.

That pub's closed down. 2008 financial crash. 7-7. Yeah, anyway. Because as boring as this period is, it's kind of loads of the foundation of everything that this country is now. Is this period more than ever? Yes.

Like our whole parliamentary system is kind of come out of this. And our relationship to the royals start like our current relationship starts with we went really far the other way and then went, well, it's a bit much for me actually and pulled it back. Yeah. So it ended up with the royals not having power, but they were allowed to like fuck around drink and wear nice clothes. That was the deal. Yeah, that's the settlement. We're going to keep boring cunts doing the actual work. Let boring cunts be boring cunts.

And you can fuck around and wear a hat. Yeah, exactly. That's it. So listen, I think we'll pick this up in part two. It's obviously too big. The suspense. The suspense. What's going to happen?

What happens during the trial of Charles Fulth? If you can't wait to hear what happens, part two of this is already on our Patreon, you can become a truther, sign up for £3 a month where it's ad-free and you get access to all the episodes. If you wonder, could this get any more boring, it can. Can I pay money to make this more boring? You can. become a truth and you get

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