Fin vs History - The Prequel to 9/11?| The First Crusade (Part 2)

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

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Welcome back to another episode of Finn versus History. This is the second part of our epic tour through... Boring! Finn found it so boring. The only thing he really enjoyed was doing a black accent for Pope Oven the second. Hey, baby, baby. The Pope's going to look after you, baby. when he woke up.

Yeah, listen, it's, um, uh, it's, no, I'm, I'm really, I'm trying, because I know that there are some people out there who are like, I'm a fascinating area, I know those people are out there and I know that we're getting them in the net, but. But also you, you are a host of a history podcast, so you go on. Yeah, I know, but history is the Nazis, it's Napoleon, it's run out pretty soon. It's sharp. It's, you know, redcoats. You wouldn't have done it versus Nazis if you, if, if we could go away with it.

Just every episode. Yeah, that's the, I will happily host a spin-off series, which is Finn v. Nazis, and it's just me doing a three-hour podcast about individual Nazis. I will happily do that. Happily. Right. So now we're in 1097, so to place that. Thousands of years before Nazi.

It's just grim. Let's place this. So this was after the invention of the bench, I want to say. That's, do you know what? That's bold. Can we see when the bench was invented? I don't know if benches are around at the first crusade. I think you've shot your load.

You've not thought about that. I've not thought about it. That's coming straight off. Well, hang on, no, because churches must have... Ancient. No, there's ancient benches. Ancient Egypt did everything, man. They did, yeah.

Egypt fucking knocked out of the park. Just, it's the first guys. It's easier to do loads of stuff. They're the first guys, they aren't they? No, the first guys to like not do stuff. Do anything. Right, okay. The first guys to have enough time to think about stuff

that isn't just, you know, fucking and eating. Right. I think they were pretty good at that, though, as well. No, they did that as well, but they had other guys. So in terms of like hierarchy of needs, you've got fucking eating

and then building a massive sandy cat. Yeah, and then benches. Then benches. Then pyramids. Yeah, exactly. It's all about like having free time to do mad shit. That's how civilization happens.

Yeah, I like all that stuff. I like, you know, when we come to do the Egyptians or the ancient Greeks or the Romans, I'm into that. Yeah. Because it's like, It's fun.

Fine. This is just shit. There's so much shit. That's what I like about it. Everyone's thick. Everyone's boring. But I weirdly, I relate, I just, I relate to this. The ancient Egypt is like an alien world.

But this is very much our world. I think it's important to understand it. But I like history for it. I guess the romance of it. Right. The Nazis. The uniforms. The, how I got shy and that.

You know, the old footage. It's like archetypal stories. Right. This is just people wearing shit cause clothes. I mean, but also it's the religious. I mean, just life in the Middle Ages is just so grim. So it is after the invention of the bench. Yeah.

But it's before the invention of the glasses, right? Yeah, so most people can't see. Yeah, this is what I find interesting. Glasses is not much before they mentioned the glasses. The glasses, I think, were invented in the 1200s. When is the first picture of a person wearing glasses? That's what I want to know. It will be some monk with a Bible going...

What I also suspect is that I reckon the invention of glasses was very quickly preceded by the invention of wedges. The first guy who had glasses, the next guy was like, joink! People with poor vision made accommodation for their condition by using their other senses and adjusting their job. Job choices. Right.

I'm not going to be up in the eagle's nest. So sorry. What is it? I'm thinking about retiring as a chariot driver because I can't see. And there's no other... What's it called at the top of a ship? Century Tower. Oh, like a master...

Like the poop deck. Poop deck. That's the bottom, isn't it? That's the bottom. What is the poop deck? Right. Because the stern and bow... You know the people who use at the top...

Port and starboard. We've got a photo of John Lennon with glasses. I feel we're not going to... It's the poopy deck. Sorry, there's three different conversations going on. But who's shitting on the deck to make it a poop deck? That's who I want to know. Well, maybe it was the first guy,

it was a guy before they had glasses. Well, this is what I mean. Maybe the jobs that the guy was doing without glasses is the guy who says land a hoi from the top of the boat. That's a job that you might have to adjust his choice. Yeah, yeah. So glasses are invented in the 1200s. What I want to know is when do the terms specky,

four eyes when do they start well i think if you had like a graph of the usage of the terms it would be like invention the glasses there'd be a massive spike like yeah it's like you know those old COVID charts used to get where you go well it's an incubation period yeah of like three weeks when people are like when people like this guy's getting a bit big for his privilege because everything you can see everything and then yeah the lag four eyes specky twat wedges it wasn't immediate they saw the glasses and they just stared at them for a while No one on the Crusades had glasses Which, yeah, I just

Most, loads of people Have glasses now So was, were you just like That forever? So hang on, so 1,000 AD The first documented vision aid Was a spherical glass called a reading stone Which is, I should probably

In terms of alienating people Yeah, that's, um So we're around the time of the reading stone Yeah, so there's some poor cunt At the back of the crusade holding a massive stone Huh? What's going? Oh!

Where are we going? And they're like, fagging this guy. Everyone else is doing pints down the front and there's like some specky twat the back of a stag do. Oh, wait for me! You know these glasses are really, like, magnified?

Make your eyes look massive. But imagine that for your whole head. Yeah. Oh, so it's like a flea collar that a dog wears. They have like a big cone with a glass in front of it. I imagine it's just like a glass orb.

They've got their face pressed up against it so their face is massive. Right. And then they take it down and blow it. And then wipe it. bit and they go, what? So they've got to carry around, poor cunts. My God, it's just grim.

It's grim. It's grim. Unlike the Nazis, which isn't grim. Nazis is exciting. Wow, yeah. So it's about the 1,200s that they've got to have invented. So no, if you can't see, you're fucked. You're just squinting the whole time.

But benches are around. Benches are around. But are people dying and then having benches named after them. I don't think that. When does that start? I don't know. Do you want to Google that, Charlie? I will do anything to stop

to stop getting into the actual history of the first crusade. Finn was livid last episode because we covered some actual history and... Boring. I want to know about when the first person,

the first bench was used as a memorial. Because the first person to do that is pretty wacky, isn't it? Like if your wife dies and you go, yeah, I know what you're like. She used to love sitting on this bit of grass. I'm going to put a bench here. And she'd just be like,

why don't he just get me a fucking headstone or an urn or something? Yeah. And then the, yeah, the partner would be like, and he'll be like, do you not like it? Yeah, no, it's nice. It's just a bit... I mean, I like a bet.

Who doesn't like benches? It's just weird. It's my dead wife. Memorial benches have been used to honour people and events, became more popular in the 19th and 20th century. Ancient Egypt, fuck me. I do feel like AI overview, though. This is, which is what we're using on Google.

Yeah. I think their default is everything starts on ancient Egypt. Well, I imagine it's, they're scurrying to try and get an answer. They never say, they know. Yeah. And they're like, fuck, I don't know. And we give them no time. It would be quite funny to see what you had to put into Google

to get, don't know, may I overview. Don't know. Right. Hang on. Incest was common among the ruling class in ancient Egypt. Yeah, I mean, they did everything. They loved it. Right.

You ready to get into the Battle of Doroleum? Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, go on then. So one of the leaders is called Bohemond. So hang on. Where had we left? We left up. So you need to give us a bit of a...

Right. So the Crusaders have made their way and they've just crossed the boss for us. They've been given... The Black Pope has gone, here. Hey, hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Hey, hey, hey, y'all.

We're going to get on a crusade. Go down to Constantinople. Fuck shit up. He said that. Then Peter the Hermit. Pete of the Hermit took an early bird crusade to get good camping spots at the festival. Took too many years. Fucked it.

Everyone's dead. Yeah. He fucked on the first night. Everyone's dead. But he's still alive. He's still alive. Right. Yeah.

Then the actual crusader set off in August, about a year later. A year later. Dave. Well prepared. They've got women and children, leopards, lions. This is fucking traveling circus. It's a traveling circus.

There's jugglers. There's sword swallows. There's poor cunts with one massive glass at the back. And then they get to Constantinople. They get to Constantinople. They take back one city almost immediately. They siege it. And then they sort of split off into different fragments

because they all got different leaders. And they've all kind of, it's such a big group. They're not going to go as one. And they've got different leaders. But Bohamond is, like he's almost like a two-dimentially written hero like it's unbelievable how heroic this guy is right right he's his hero is odysseus and he basically this is kind of like Troy and he's

odysseus right right so he's he's seemingly for this this era he's like a genius we haven't really talked about jerusalem at all no which i now i'm not the guy who likes the crusades but my understanding is that was pretty much crucial to the whole thing well it actually, it became crucial later. Right. The first thing was trying to get back Byzantian lands. But their goal is to get to Jerusalem, yeah? Because now that they're there, because they see this a great opportunity, one, to get

penance, but two, to get money, to get their own lands and the Crusades, to get all this. But now they've all here, now it's starting to come in that Jerusalem is going to be the big thing. Right. That's sort of happening as they go. Okay, fine. Right. But becomes the main point, because they are there for, like, years. But it wasn't like the,

it wasn't the number one reason they weren't. They're at Glastonbury for years. Years. Christ. Yeah. And they don't, they bathe twice in that whole time because the cues are too long. So you could say it's five crusades,

five years or it's two baths. Yeah. Yeah. That's how they measure time. How long were you there for? Oh, fuck me, man. I was waiting two baths to get into that fucking city. Yeah.

Christ. Right. Oh, he died too young. He died all aged three. baths they're walking along so the age of consent it's like 10 baths

at this point and people are trying to lower it the whole time oh you think the age of consent should be four four baths

seven bars based on historical accounts a strong contender for the merliest medieval person would be Queen Isabella of Castile

who reportedly boasted about only bathing twice in her life on the day she was born and on her wedding day well yeah

I mean it's a third noun of Aragon highlighting a lack of regular hygiene practice common in the time period remember in like the Muslim world

they're bathing every day pretty much yeah they're still washing their asses with all yeah yeah and we're using toilet paper so they really

must have viewed us as complete yeah it's funny that we call the French smelly but the Muslims must think that all of us

are just so stinky in Japan they still think white people incredibly stinky yes well Japan are the cleanest yeah

they've got no hair So, like, if you, if you, they've got hairless bodies. They're hairless bodies. In Korea, the Korean genetics, they don't have body odor. So like a big, um, insult you'd have on Korean TV is he uses deodorant. Yeah. And that's like, that's like a huge insight. So hang on.

So is deodorant just not really a thing in Korea? If you use deodorant, you must be the stinkiest kind of alive in Korea. You're the stinkiest Korean guy. Yeah, because who the fuck would need deodorant? No one smells. I think North Koreans might probably probably quite smell it. That's not a racial thing. That's a political, that's a political comment.

They got scurvy. I imagine like... I think, yeah. I think... I mean, Korean's still washing, aren't they? If Finn starts whispering, you know, that's pretty bad. He normally says it with his chest. Korean, they're still washing.

Right. Yeah, yeah. They're using soap. Yeah. But they don't have B-O. Right. You know? Okay.

But because... I don't really understand, though. Is that why... I was going to say, is that why it's bad to... It's not interesting to be a dog in Korea, but that's another reason, isn't it? So, because obviously dogs love there's bad smells. Yeah. Yeah.

so they're fucked both ways not only they have nothing to sniff about do you think the Koreans say they have no body odor because they have no dogs because famously dogs are dinner time yeah dogs are dinner time

I love the idea of people going oh listen to the second part of the first crusade series that won't be racist against a crew oh no we haven't even got into the crusade yet part two a significant portion of East Asians including Koreans have a mutation in the ABCC-1-1 gym.

Why is that called mutation? That's like a superpower. They don't smell. We're mutated, which is associated with a juice body odour production. So why are we the og go stinky ones? Well,

I think in a ranking, we're not number one. No, no, no, no, no. But we're up there. We're much higher than we think. Yeah. Well, we think, yeah, we think we're playing

in a better league than we are. Yeah. Well, I think the smell, it's body hair. You could do a trip's... Traps odor. So the surface area of sweat on a hair.

is a lot more than if you have no hair, right? Right. So, you know, a long Greek man's hair would be coated in sweat. So that's like a longer area of stinkiness. Yes, there's more stinky per hair. Yeah, exactly. Per follicle. Yeah.

Whereas a Korean beautiful, beautiful, smooth, shiny Korean ball. Like a bowling ball. A bowling ball. Koreans are bowling balls. Yeah. So they don't smell. I mean, I found that amazing. Yeah.

I mean, a Greek man would be actually a good scrub, like an iron wall. You should wash a Korean with a Greek man. Yeah. A Korean man would use a Greek man as a luther in the shower. But then on your, if you're trying to like wax your car, you'd use a Korean man's ass. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to clean your car with a Greek man. We've got scratches on it.

Yeah, exactly. The scratch's the paintwork. Scratches. You've got Tuxiki. Yeah. You get some dribble and some yogurt. Hello, I'm Elizabeth Day, the creator and host of How to Fail. It's the podcast that celebrates the things in life.

that haven't gone right. And what, if anything, we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better? Each week, my guests share three failures, sparking intimate, thought-provoking and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices sharing what they've learned through their failures. Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week. This is an Elizabeth Day in Sony Music Entertainment Original podcast. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts. Right. I think you could actually do a pretty good scientific experiment, not racist. When has science ever been racist. Famously.

Right, get the head measure us out. Measure their skulls. They must be a different species. This is all the name of science. I think you could do stinkiness on one axis and amount of body hair on the other

and I think it would probably track Corollary perfect. Which country has the most body hair? Let's find out who the stinketries is. I reckon it's the central. No, I'd say it's just above. It's the Tijiki.

It's the Borat regions. is what I called the stands. Right. Pakistan's got to have a high density of hairy. There's some hairy women in Pakistan. Yeah,

it's the women. It's the women. They look like Greek men. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful women. That's when you, I mean, you look at the women for,

it's how you're judging this, right? Because obviously the outliers, you've got a heat map. So it's actually around the Mediterranean. Yes, look at that. All coast of the Mediterranean is the sting-

Sorry, punch in on that map, Charlie. Punch in because I think, that is genuinely the route that the People's Crusade took is from Claremont is they follow the stinkiest part so people who are listening Yeah they're going from Italy through Greece through Turkey down to Gaza

The black area of the map is yeah You've got the Mediterranean into North Africa and the Levant Right and then it starts to become less hairy Ie less stinky in our hypothesis as you as you as you as you kind of that's the epicensor yeah so the mediterate it does say this map but the mediterranean is the stinkiest place on earth the whole coast the whole that entire you're walled in you're not arrive with some stinky people yeah yeah and then as it as it comes out it gets less smelly yeah right so uh but weirdly here it says that the scandinavia is smelly

or hair yeah Vikings yes that's blonde hair but also it's so cold up there is that it is it green or is it blue? But I do think if you're hairy in a cold country, you're not going to smell that bad. So yellow is the least hairy. Yeah, sub-Saharan Africa. And then you look, Korea. Korea, there you go, and the Philippines. And then what's that? You can see Australia because the stinkies have colonized. It gets stinky again. You can see Australia, they're not meant to be there. They're not meant to be there. It's a massive outlier. If you look at this map, it's black and purple in a sea of yellow and green. Because Stinkies colonized it in the 19th century and they made it stinkier. And that's

the tragedy, really. why they're so tough on fauna and flora. Yeah. It's funny because we're on a topic that Finn doesn't want to talk about and so I've got him on something he does like talking about which is a map

sort of ranking races. Sorry, if we could just pause the first crusade. That's like a baby with a dummy in its mouth. Yeah. He doesn't have enjoying himself so I've got him a map of who's the stinkiest.

Yeah, and I'll be quiet for the next hour. If I'm crying a lot, you just put a map, your map in front of me showing me who's stinkier and then I will be... But we weren't talking about life of the middle age, go on. Do we think medieval people

would have minded smell? Do you think it's... I think it's like nowadays it would be disgusting. There's a term when you're building a website if everything's involved text-wise,

nothing's involved. Yes. Right? Yeah. There's a good way to look at life in many ways. So if everyone stinks like fucking shit no one stinks like fucking shit

because you don't know what's stinky like shit not stinking like shit it smells like. Or in another way words, have you ever been to France? Like, if you're in a cheese factory in France, or as I like to call it, France, right?

But you call France the cheese factory? Yeah. It honks, right? Like, if you go to an Ely clerk, right, which I mean, I love a French supermarket, but you go to the cheese section, there's an absolute wall of honk. You keep the supermarkets, take away the people. That's... Yes. Yeah. Ideally, I replace British supermarket as a French supermarkets and then leave the French people go around fucking Sainsbury and stuff.

Exactly. Yeah. So like when Hitler said he was going to have his holiday home in Brighton, right? I'd have it in England. When you're playing to have in France you're like, we'll keep the supermarkets. I'm going to have a person. Yeah. So but yeah, they're not clearly they're not bothered by body odour in France. No. Are they? No. It's a badge of prize.

Probably. Probably. But somehow they elect their Prime Minister. Yeah, Macron's the smellliest person. They're in France. Well, they lift up their arms and then I think the head of the church smells all their armpits and then they go

and then they anoint macawna's the smell of the country and then he pick up president we were looking at what things to do in the middle ages as well in the break there's also early football

you know one of the great English exports is football but what people don't know they've seen the game they enjoy the game they didn't know what it took to make it it took a thousand years of everyone from Dumb and Dumber

just kicking the shit out of each other and there's still a thing that happens Yeah the Royal Shrove Tide So Shrovetide football is this thing in Ashbourne It's where Josh Pugh lives And it's a It's the Midlands

It's the Midlands Which is the Middle Ages And it has not changed much Yeah I mean it's fucking crazy It's basically it's a bunch of I don't know Well it's men And they're just

There's a horde of them in a river chasing a massive ball and then the rule seems to be if you have the ball anyone can kick the fuck out of you yeah but what I like about the middle ages as well

is I think with the Roman period and even the Renaissance every 10 years there's development it's like this it's growing it's you go back 20 years there's a big difference

like it's constantly moving upwards there's so much change but the middle ages it's like this for 800 years yeah that's why it's so crap seemingly nothing it's because like now

we look but if I see someone with an iPhone 4 now. I'm like, are you armish? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas then they go back 300 years ago, all right, mate, yeah. Your granddad would live the exact same life as you. Yeah. Apart from maybe like, you have like a slightly better belt than him. That would be like the big change.

Yeah, or you, you, I mean, it's just, it's just porridge. This is the porridge years. The porridge era. Right. Let's get back on to, so people are, there's a professional army now. I guess professional, you're not really getting paid. It's religious elitry. Charlie, get the sting. map up again. Right. So, sorry, I spat my dummy out. I need someone need to need someone to put

it back in. We've just entered Turkey. So we're still in the stinky zone. Yeah, yeah. It's a band. It's a corridor. It's actually a corridor. Yeah. It's a smelly corridor. It's like a humanitarian corridor. But instead it's just, what is, what is? So, uh, the crusaders are in modern day Turkey, which by this map that is completely definitive in the smelliest area in the world. You can see it there, Asia Minor. Asia Minor is one of the Smalley. Age underage.

They got through, they've seized one city which is Nicaea. And then they've all split off because there's loads different leaders and they're going to take different parts on the way, they've all got their own side quests and stuff to do. It's not like a straight line, right? Bohemond who's this kind of young, Norman

Italian. Do you know that they went down there? one took Sicily, didn't they? Yeah. So, yeah. And he's, he's just sort of like a, I don't know, he's, he's a, he's a genius, right? Right. And on the way, he's spot. He can count to four. Genuinely. In this day and age, that's a genius. Exactly. He's Steve Jobs. One, two, three, four. You hit the nail on the head on the head. As they're walking along, there's clearly Turkish guys spying on him the whole way. And he's the only guy to notice, right? So he's got a small, smaller force that he's just walking through Turkey. And he keeps seeing a guy with massive, massive monobrow poking his head around the truth. My friend, please. No one else has noticed this guy. So he feels like there's maybe a trap coming. So sends out message for backup and support. That's a trap. Yeah.

They settle in for the night, right? And the Turks, seeing as they've done this to the People's Crusade, planned the same thing, right? Yeah, we'll just wipe them out. So while they're sleeping, come through, start chopping their heads off. But it's at night, right?

So imagine there's like a horseman that runs through, chucks your head off and then disappears back into the night. Terrifying, setting fire to all the camps. It's pandemonomomomom. in the camp but then Bohemond basically has a plan where he gets everyone to go into a square formation and because the the big strength of these guys is that they're like an in like an ironman juggernaut suit it's like the hurt locker right you know those suits yeah yeah yeah the bomb disposal so they haven't these two types of fighting haven't really ever fought each other before

which is a guy with a big bendy sword yeah and hurt locker these guys are right i see okay and then he builds like a square where all the hurt lockers just stand so this is All women and children inside. It's the women and children in the middle. And then it's just, yeah. It's men in like Michelin Man bomb disposal suits around it with shields on their heads. Yeah. And it's like, you know when we finally started being good at football in the 2018 World Cup?

Yeah. And we started playing to our strengths when we got Harry McGuire on corners. Clabbard. With the biggest head. The love train. Which no one could compete with. This is the love train. This is just the, there's a...

Bimon starts a love train and Harry McGuire's in there breaking free. The walls of Harry Maguire, they don't have those in Turkey. No. There's not a head that big. They don't make them like him over there. They don't make him like, oh, Harry. So they can't deal with how big...

I tell you what, though. I think everyone at this time sounds like Harry Kane. Yeah. Which is why I think it's my least favorite part of history. Hello. Hello. We went down to Antioch and yeah. It's a good game, actually.

No, please for the lads. Please for Harry McGuire. We don't make him like them over there. They hold out for like six hours until support comes, and they... The average medieval face would be characterised

by a slightly rugged appearance with a strong jawline a broad nose deep set eyes and a relatively small mouth like Harry Kane. Yeah.

If you're doing one on the crime scene drawings every person is Harry Kane. Yeah, it's England football team is all the white guys on the England football team for 2018. Yes.

McGuart. Oh my God. That is Harry Harry Kane when he's older. By the way, this guy's 21 years old. Yes, of course. So if you're listening, there's a face of a man

who looks like you've squashed Harry Kane's face into Malcolm Turnbull, the old Australian Prime Minister. And that is an 18-year-old in 1195, wherever the fucking year it is. So after this battle, they never really fight each other on, like, properly again. It's sieges. Sorry, are you saying this guy's one,

the battle. Yeah, well, held them off until recruits came and their support came and then they scattered off into the night, right? And it was, they kind of never want, they were both terrified of each other because they just didn't know how the other one worked. So it kind of ended up just being siege warfare from here and out, right? So we should get some talk about medieval sieges. So this is

where... So the next big thing to happen is that they go to Antioch, which is a huge city at the time, on the border between Syria and Turkey. So they've worked their way through Turkey. I'm skipping a loads for you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Antioch is probably one of the best

Defender cities in the world How smelly is Antioch? Well, do you want to get them back up? Yes, please. Yeah, it's still in the corridor. Okay, fine. Good, good, good, good. Smalley place.

Now, for this, they reach Antioch. It's got over 400 towers. It's got some of the strongest walls in the world. Yes. Right. And they don't really have any siege weapons. The Crusaders. Right.

So what they plan to do is they have to take this city if they want to get to Jerusalem because it's such a key city and they'll get cut off from behind if they're, don't get it, right? Yeah, yeah. They'll get, um, they'll have a finger up their ass if they don't take Antioch while

they're trying to take Jerusalem. I see me me. Yeah. All right. But that's a bad thing in this day. There's a bad thing. They don't like this yet. They used to like it in the Greeks.

Yeah. Now, yeah. They like it. People like it now. You know what? You know what? Part of the, this is the problem with the middle ages is that it's, it's after the finger up the one was a good thing in Greece and before it became a good thing again.

Exactly. In our progressive post-60s era. So what they decide to do is starve out Antioch, right? right um they are there for nine months right jesus they're just sat so they're fat fuckers in there yeah what do you mean in antioch nine months no food they're still fine i think they're not fine they're big fat fuckers in there then i'll tell you what they're not fine right okay they're running out of food pretty quick yeah they're not doing all right they're you know they've got the the fuel remains are on the last resort's right last the last can of fuel so they're all

outside the city uh disease is rife the crusaders are now starving right right all lot of deserting. Yeah. It's all falling apart. Peter the Hermit tries to desert. He's still there. He's back. Yeah, but he's a coward and the person

he tries to desert. But as he's running away, he runs into a garrison, a reinforcements and they just say, what the fuck? And they pull him, back on the horse and say, no, you're not going anywhere.

And they drag him back. So he's forced to stay. Oh, that's good. So they surround his Antioch, it's nine months, there's no hope, right? They then find out. Sorry, it's nine months.

They're camped outside a big city. There's no food in the city. And, because the Crusaders are stopping food getting in. And then the Crusaders are running out of food. Running out of food as well. Disease, tired. You've been there for nine.

You're camping outside. Think about the people who camp outside waiting for the new iPhone. Yeah. But it's that for nine months. It's all those same people. It's those same people we're talking about. It's the people outside of, when Diana died outside Buckingham Palace.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they, at this point, they send all the women and kids away because they realize that they're kind of bumming the stag-do vibes. Yeah. But also they just don't have enough food. to keep them up so they're like women and children

or women like it's like was it 2006 where like was it when Capello banned all the wives from coming into the England camp it was Fabio Capello yeah 2010

yeah so it's kind of like I think some of the leaders there they've been waiting outside for nine months then they find out that Kaboga sounds bad that's a name is it yeah that's a person the Bogga yeah the Turkish general

he sounds quite smell as a huge army he does sound smelly has a huge army that are going to come and crush the crusaders Now, if this army arrives and they haven't got in the city, they're fucked. They're exhausted and there's fresh new army that's twice the size of theirs is going to destroy them. There's a really smelly guy coming. Exactly.

A day before he arrives. So they have a day to get into the city, right? Bohemond. Yeah. Very like Trojan horse style Odysseus. He, which I don't know how this is possible, but he basically negotiates with one of the guys in the towers, who's like an Armenian Christian, so I have sympathies, to put a lot of, ladder down.

Yeah. And at the dead of night, him and some other boys, they go over, they open the gates and they managed to get in, literally just before Koboga arrives. Right. Right. So they've got into the city with no time to spare. There's still some people. I know you're trying to make it exciting, but it's really not.

As it's as exciting as it gets. Yeah. Yeah. But now they're in, because they've been starving out this city for. There's no food. There's no food. And now they're being siege. So they're just swapped.

They're like, brilliant. We're in. side but now there's even less food there's even less food yeah so this army is now going to starve them out right okay yeah uh they're all losing their minds they've been they're starving they've eaten all their horses uh they've all got dysentery scurvy right they're having visions psychedelic hallucinations this one guy called peter bartholomew is truly losing his mind he gets a vision from god that somewhere buried in one of the churches is a relic right so he starts going into a church and just digging with his hands.

He finds a splinter and says, this is a splinter from the lance that pierced Jesus' side, the Holy Lance of Antioch. You know in Holy Grail, the Holy Hand Grenade?

Yeah. That's a reference to this. Right, okay. He says, I found... I like that film even less now. Yeah. He's found this relic. Yeah.

Everyone, because they're mad, yeah, goes, well, this is a sign from God that we will win, right? So in some mad dash, they all burst out the city and just count. Take on Boko Haram or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, no horses, like with frying pans. Yeah, pots. Because the Turkish forces, they're like mercenaries, they're they haven't really fought together. They're not like congealed as a unit. They're so taken about that they actually

as a miracle, they flee. Yeah. Scares them all off. Well, they've got rug shops to run. Exactly. They have to get back to their rug shops. Yeah. Now, everyone's like, obviously, Peter Bartholomew, is the new Messiah, right? He's found this lance and he's given us a victory from God.

Yes. And he's like, yeah, I am the new Messiah. I'm going to show you that I'm the new Messiah. So he gets them, this is when they're, after they've won the battle, to get a walkway of fire and says, I am going to walk through this fire. Because I'm the new Jesus Christ.

Everyone's like, yeah, this is brilliant. He's all who get rid of all of you. And he goes like, let's lay out, watch this. He walks through it, burns alive immediately. just dies. Completely. Generally dies. Dyes immediately.

That's amazing. To be fair, that is amazing. Ah. Okay. Maybe that splinter was just a bit of wood. And then now they're kind of, I don't know. They take Antioch. They've taken Antioch.

At all times, the kind of knights are splitting off and consolidating their own state. So I think Bohroman takes Antioch now. He's going to be the king of Antioch. Because they're found in Crusader states. Crusader states, which exists for another couple hundred years after this. Right. And that's where Assasasus Creed is set in all those crusaders. In a crusader state.

Yeah. After this, morale is high. They've lost their mind. Yeah. They've seen a new Messiah come and go. Yeah. Almost immediately. Almost immediately.

But they're now really motivated to get the job done. Yeah. To get to Jerusalem. To get to Jerusalem, right? And so they go along. They take cities on the way. They go through Gaza. there's a lot of shit happens in Gaza

still shit happening in Gaza so one lesson from history there's nearly always shit happening in Gaza that never changes yeah don't move there and then they get to they get to Jerusalem and they are now invest in siege weapons

siege engines and eventually take the whole city so let's have a look at some siege weapons yeah let's get some so this is like this a trebushae this is all stuff that I kind of did in I don't know year like seven history that I found boring because I was waiting for them to get to the Nazis

battering ram yeah but the thing the other thing I've think about medieval warfare is it's so slow yeah so as in you'll be in a you'll be in a defense watching it from standing from a castle and you'll look over and they'll be like oh fuck yeah

and then seven hours later that dot you saw starts to get closer and it's a huge log yeah and they're like oh yeah no and they're knocking on the door and they're going and also while they're knocking the door people are pouring boiling hot oil or just shit on you.

Yes. As you're rolling a log into the door to try and slowly knock it over. Yeah. Human shit and hot oil. There's just a guy shitting on your head. I love it. It's so funny.

Cannons aren't around. No, they haven't come at all. So there's no guns. It's all sharp objects. It's all just... Yeah. Rocks. Chucking stuff.

It took nine months to take anti-on. you know, to get through the walls. So they take, they take... But they got siege towers. That's a big, that's a big weapon. Which is where you put people in the top and then you walk in closer. You get a tower block and it can move.

Yeah. And then you just empty them over the wall. It's like if a skyscraper was a caravan. Right. Gypsy Sky scraper. Yeah. Canary wharf! And so you just slow.

Yeah. I guess what's weird as well, when you're on the city walls, when you see people building, because they have to build them outside the walls, right? Yeah, you're like, this is my point.

There's no. jeopardy because you're like oh fuck they're building a siege tower and then every day you come back yeah it's got higher got a bit higher what are we going to do about it because they're having meetings what to do about what should we do yeah should we wait till it gets us tall and then they come in are the arrows are the bows and arrows yeah yeah right they get in um godfrey becomes the king the big dog but dies immediately of jerusalem yeah so he becomes kind of the first king but dies immediately and then the guy who actually is sort of like a game of throne sort of the thing, the guy who actually ends up on the throne

is Baldwin. Baldwin. Baldwin. After all that Alec Baldwin becomes a guy king of Jerusalem. Who becomes king of Jerusalem and sits on the throne. And so the Jew, the Jews, the Jews. Funny enough, now you bring up Jews. The Jews and the Muslims,

you know, not, maybe not the best of friends now. They were fine. They were defending Jerusalem together against Christians. So, they had been living sort of in harmony, right? And then the Christians invade and then take over Jerusalem and now they're back

and they hold it for like 150 years but this kind of begins the ultimate sports rivalry um you know Liverpool United Jews Jews Muslims no it's Muslims Christians that's kind of where this all kicks off this ends up in 9-11

well this is what I was going to bring up actually funnily enough and everyone's like 9-11 unprovoked attack if you look at the history it's a lot of tip for tat so the whole notion of jihad as a holy war is whipped up in the aftermath of the first crusade I think so on the Islamic side yeah well we got crusades they got jihad

yeah the crusade is the white man's jihad exactly yeah and the jihad is the Muslim crusade yeah exactly so they because we kind of bit got along up to this point is 9-11 basically just a Muslim siege tower yeah well or is it, the Muslims are waiting on the wall and they're seeing the West builds a siege tower. Much like the people in the World Trade Center are going there's a plane coming over here.

What should we do about that? So yeah, this, the events on this period, the kind of, the lag is the slapback is 9-11. Right. It takes a long turn. See, if we started this series

by saying this is, if we're doing a series on 9-11, but we started with the First Crusades, I'd be much more invested in it. Well, we could put this in a playlist of the roads 9-11 and we'll just constantly don't tempt me this is the beginning of the road tonight

The only way 9-11 could be better in my head is if the Nazis are involved If Hitler was flying one of the planes Oh my that's my that's a wet dream So yeah Baldwin sits on the throne So But where's the sugar daddy pope in all this Urban?

Yeah where's the Urban Pope He's like he's just at home Yeah baby, yeah He's done his job Does he he's sending letters I mean he's far away Doesn't he die before doesn't, he dies before they tell him about Jerusalem.

Oh really? I didn't even know that. You didn't know that? I knew that. I fell asleep during every podcast about this and I knew something you didn't. So is this the most boring crusades? I think it's the most interesting by quite a quite wrong way. So for the other ones are really quite boring. Because the other ones are just tipped for town. This is the first time any of this shit happens. The other ones are like the Muslims take back the crusades say it's the crusaders come and take it back for 20 years. That's really boring. For me,

these guys have never seen this ship before it's unprecedented and also the odds were stacked against the crusaders they were far worse force but through just like it's like Lord the Rings just through fellowship of man yeah right

but Richard the Lionheart that's interesting isn't it I guess so but I mean he sounds interesting well he sounds more interested than fucking Geoffrey of Hermit or whatever or smelly Bordway I guess we like different things for me I'm like Bordman of Stinksville

whatever he's called to me that's more I'm interested I want to see Baltimore of stinks, Phil. Oh, this guy's got a bowl cut and his shit name, and he smells. I actually don't know. Which crusader Richard the Lionheart fight? That's the Third Crusade.

Right. Richard the Third Crusade is Richard of Lionheart, who's King of England. Right. He actually goes, like Saladin, who's the... Boss man. Who's chief boss man at the time.

Yeah. And they have like an epic struggle. That's like a superhero film, I think. So I guess the Third Crusade is the first time the English people actually play a role. Yeah. We didn't really feature in this one much because we were too stupid even for the Crusade.

yeah right okay our hair was too we couldn't even see because our fringes the fringes were too long covering our eyes but we were just having fun by ourselves yeah which as i've just said fun in this day and age is fucking what what is fun in these days what could you do bear baiting and cockfighting okay that's unusual fun oh right for everyone music and singing religious festivals lutes harps and drums right group singing i fucking hate choirs do you i hate yes i hate choirs do you like singing as a group. I hate community groups. I hate lutes.

If there's any cunt out there who says they play a lute. Right, I agree with you on that. Yeah. But you don't feel the kind of sense of community and brotherhood of man when you sing together.

I don't like singing with other people. I like, no, I like a gospel choir. Right. But that's not, I mean, maybe that's urban. Yeah, there's Pope Overs and Seconds choir.

Pope Urban's choir. I like an urban choir. But, no, like all those people you know medieval reenactors yeah i just don't trust i think they're autistic nonses sure and and and and i and all that kind of like ding ding ding ding dling oh squire people who use medieval language to me hello squire my liege fuck off fuck off fuck off get in the bin people who goes my fear that's nine yeah hello mine's have a point hello mine furor um so there's like Fates, I fucking, I hate a country fate as well.

So you just absolutely hate this period of time. I hate it. It's boring. All the art is just tapestry. Yeah. Which is shit. Yeah, it's all shit. Awful.

It's green sleeves. It's porridge. It's tapestries. It's bad. It's all bad. There's nothing good. If you're alive at this time, like nowadays, we're like, oh yeah, I just saw a 3D film. Like, if you're depressed, right?

See, I don't think I could ever kill myself As long as the Premier League exists Sure Or they're more Well, they had that football game But there's not football's not around It's just men charging at each other Yeah

Like we've got the Premier League We've got test cricket We've got James Bond You might as well wait to kill yourself Just wait until the next bond If they haven't ruined that Then don't kill yourself Right as well yeah

But now then they're like Oh what are you doing tonight Oh there's a they've stitched some more tapestry let's go and look at that. Yeah, I mean, most of them don't even like art. They probably wouldn't even do that. They don't know what art is. I guess part of why I like this period as well,

which partly why how I go into history is making me feel grateful I'm not alive then. Oh, thank you, fuck, I'm not alive then, yeah. You know when like it's relaxing to hear rain when you're inside because you're sort of smug? Because it's like, at least I'm not out there. That's me look at the middle ages. Look, game, so they have chess and they have checkers.

Right. And that's what kids do. Kids play chess. and that's their fun. Is that the specky kid holding the big glass? Oh, him, he's playing chess. I don't know how he holds his glasses and plays chess at the same time.

He's holding a massive orb in front of his head and then getting someone else to move the chest piece. No, they do hide-and-seek as well. Hide-and-seek, yeah. Medieval hide-and-seek would be caught. I wouldn't mind playing hide-and-seek because that's something that would cross the kind of cultural barrier.

What, between our time and theirs? Oh, you could play hide-and-seek with medieval people when there wouldn't have to be any sort of, like, misunderstanding. You could smell them, so it's not much hiding. Play hide-and-seek in Korea, and that's a game. Why? Because you can't smell them, yeah.

That's why Squid Game took off. Exactly. Squid game is Korean hide-and-seek, because they don't smell, so they need to do something else. Yeah. So we've got to the end of the First Crusades. Jerusalem's been taken.

Yeah. The seeds of 9-11 have been sown. Yeah. This is the beginning of the 9-11 story. This is the beginning of the 9-11 story. This is 9-11's phantom menace. Right, right, right, right, right. It's boring.

it really shouldn't have happened but you need it to get to the really good stuff. Like, yeah, like 9-11. I'm sure the Nazis, you could probably make a link to somehow. Well, some Jews are killed in Germany. Yeah, that's true.

So, yeah. You know, it's right there. So if you want a bonus episode that will not be about this of the Middle Ages, sign up to the Patreon, become a truther. And either way, thank you for listening.

And we will see you next time.