Fin vs History - The Sound of Blue Balls | Beethoven: The Great Composers (Part 2)

Episode Date: December 18, 2025

Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh Ludwig van Beethoven: the thinking incel's composer. How did a smelly, almost certainly autistic virgin come to produce music still listened to today?   The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Chapters; 00:00 OG keyboard warrior05:00 Permanently smug10:48 Auxtistic14:41 Germany were romantic17:05 Teen years22:53 Beethovens got no Riz28:31 Blue balled to funk33:31 Spunk coming out of his ears38:15 Da Da Da Dymmm40:26 Creepy uncle42:47 Burning the files45:48 9th Symphony (Ode to a Young boy)48:19 Music bump51:11 Für Elise Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus History, as ever, I'm joined by Horatio Goulds. Today we're talking about Ludwig band Beethoven. Sick Beethoven. Sick Beetzhoven, the Incells orchestra man. My God. I mean, I love this stuff. I have no idea how sick Beethoven was. It's sick.

Yeah, he's like an absolute nightmare of a guy. Yeah. It's awesome. He stinks. Yeah, he smells bad. He's completely off his face. Yeah. He looks like a tramp.

Maybe died of virgin. Yeah, probably. It's like, it's the in-cells conductor. He really is. He's the insale God. Proper German, this guy. Proper, proper German. We're on our way.

This is our classical music series. We've dealt with Mozart. Now, Mozart dies. in 1791, Beethoven is born 1770, there's a bit of overlap. Yeah, and potentially they're meet. Potentially, we don't know. We don't know.

But whereas Mozart was kind of heavenly, adored, impish little ADHD prick. It was a gift from God. Beethoven was a stinky autistic man. There's no doubt in my mind that he's autistic. And he writes...

And the devil put his hand up his ass and played him like a puppet, I feel. Yes, and there's no doubt that he is writing an autistic version of war music. That's what he's doing. is it because there was no YouTube comments under like you know Sydney Sweeney's Instagram

for him to write hate comments instead he put all those energies into this he's a keyboard warrior yes but the keyboard is a piano but as yes he's the original keyboard warrior but as we were saying if you play classical music over anything it becomes important right so you could play classical Beethoven's music over a fat guy

commenting on Sydney Street Instagram I'm so fucking horny women on me sex what do you mean you're not replying show me your bobs show me your bobs show me your bobs send me your bobs ride now Hey beautiful

Say me your bobs Yeah because his songs are like Hey beautiful Hey beautiful Hey beautiful Oh fucking fucking bitch whore fucking bitch ho They are actually They are

That's a very good point Beethoven's music Hey beautiful Wanna meet up sometime Hey just checking That you make sure you got this Hi yeah Are you gonna respond

Oh you fucking bitch You fucking hate you Because Beethoven's fifth He's so dramatic And then it gets very nice and frilly Do da da da da da da da Let me your bobs Yeah

Ludwig van Bobhoven is born in the small German city of Bonn. Dangerous. Show me your bonds. Part of the Holy Roman Empire. And as a child, obviously, this is post-Mozart now. He is recognised for his talent. And yet he's always been composed unfavourably to Mozart. Because as a child prodigy he was.

Yes. He was second right. Yeah. Again, similar to Mozart, the parallels are there. His father was also in music. But he was a drunk. Right. Beethoven had seven siblings

he was only one of three to survive infancy because at this point it's like litters of dogs, litter of puppies one of them will wake it through. One of the stick. Yeah. Well it's like in planet Earth remember when the lizards are out of born and immediately have to try to escape all the snakes. That's them trying to

avoid like fucking syphilis. Snakes? Snakes. I'm posting that and saying this is you. Yeah. This is all of you on Facebook. This is all my friends and family. Now the first son, the couple's first son, his mom and born in 1769. They called him Ludwig.

Right. He died when he was six days old. Nice. And then what they do when Beethoven is born is that they call him Ludwig and then every Sunday. Yeah, he's up for a duck.

Didn't even get a score on the board. No. Yeah. He's going to walk straight back to the shed. He faced an over and then he was no score. Christ. Duck it. That is one of the most glorious ways.

I think that's one of the best cricket analogies I've heard on the show. Obviously, Jack the Ripper hitting moon for six. is become the show's canon but a baby dying has been out for a duck because you know when they go

in Australia they play the cartoon duck comes on that's what they don't make out the infirmary ward is wah wah wah wah wah whew

a wah still born right right anyway so so Blade Damon's brother was out for a duck and I guess Ludwig van Beethoven was maybe he's coming in at number four

and but he he steadies the ship he settles he puts a score on the board big score big score did he get 50 hours when he Beethoven dies he's 50 odd yeah anyway Beethoven is as a kind of you know when you're listening to his music which is very angry 56 lovely stuff 56 got a half century to that yeah yeah thank you um Beethoven is this is just to get an in, when you listen to his music, how angry and dark it is, every Sunday he is taken to the grave of his namesake brother to contemplate the nature of mortality. So they're trying to raise an emo, basically. Well, that's it, isn't it? Emo parents. There's no better way

of raising an emo than to be like, yeah, this was the original you and he died and he goes out for a duck. But I guess there's no TV or phones or anything like that. No, Sundays are very boring at the time. It's a small German town. There really is not much to do, surely. But his younger brother who also survived. I love this guy. had a squint in one eye, which meant he had a perpetual look of being very, very self-satisfied. The photo of it, the painting of him is absolutely awesome.

Is that actually him? Yeah, that's him. That is incredible. To be permanently like this. Permanely like, man. Your six-day-old sister died. Out for a duck. He's like this, out for a duck.

Just a bit. But him get receiving bad news. Yeah, I mean, that's very, very, very. funny. But why does that affect your mouth? You know, his wife's leaving him, he's like, please don't leave. I'll be nothing without you. Run for another one. Because he doesn't, he's not necessarily going to be a squinty purse Mondays.

That might not be his personality though. His face is I've had worst Mondays. I know, but his personality might not be that. So he's like, please don't, please don't leave. I'm having a worse. I'll kill myself. I'm having the worst Monday ever. No, seriously, I'm having the worst Monday ever. This is my least home at Monday.

Seriously, don't leave me. I love you. Please don't leave. falls apart if you go. It sucks. Are there people around now who have that face on all the time? Permanent smug face?

Permanent smug. I want to get them involved. Permanent smug syndrome. I want to just have someone here that we can cut to. Yeah, all right. Well, after we say something just someone just sat there

who's like, yeah, all right, guys, sure. Yeah. Is that what it's called? Is it medical? I think it's medical. I think it's pathological, yeah. It's pathological, right.

Okay. Yeah, pathological anyway. I'm afraid you've got, okay. face anyway so Nicholas Beethoven was permanently self-satisfied

Would we know much more about him because I kind of want to know more about this guy I want to see what what job did he get Can you really look up What did Nicholas Beethoven

What do he get into What do he get stuck into? What will he do Pharmacist? Pharmacist You want Diolite Right

Pooping are we I'll bet you need some Dirolight that's quite a serious job isn't it it is the smog pharmacist yeah

people are you know getting their arthritis meds can have some penicillin I'll just check the cabinet um he's applied medicine

to the French army during the Napoleon's time oh there you go anyway so Ludwig van Beethoven 56 the whole thing's a scorecard now in my head you know he was playing the violin

and the clavier which is like a sort of piano, a harp score type thing, by the age of four. So Mozart's already got a year on him in terms of, like, ranking him out the gate. And his father, obviously, he's living in a post-M Mozart world. He tries to market him as a prodigy, much like Mozart had. So he would lie about his son's age to exaggerate his talent a bit like African footballers. Right.

You'd never really know how old they are. Yes, but instead with talent. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So what's exaggerating? He's saying that, oh, he's, he's only... Oh, he's exaggerate his son.

He would lie about his age. rather than the fact he's six. Yes, yeah, I'm sorry. In the same way that you can, in the 90s you'd sign an African football program. I've got no idea. 45 years old. It could be 45.

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don't let online threats catch you off guard. Now, Johann, his dad, was incredibly harsh, it was he was drunk and he would drag Beethoven from bed late at night to force him to play piano for a drinking

companions. That's quite fun though. Come on! Come on. Wake up. Wake up. We go on

the point of all he's play one of your fucking tunes. Now he's also Beethoven was supposedly... I guess you don't have the orcs though do you?

The what? He's been on a big sesh. You come back at 4 a.m. You don't have an or an orx cable. Right. Or a Bluetooth speaker. Yeah, you can't fucking put you know,

Ui Boom on. No. Stick Jemiriqui on. So instead it's you get your fucking, you get your autistic son up. Come on! chuck a bottle of a bucket of water on him.

Uie boy. Ui boy, yeah. There you go. The gaps are getting smaller in between the set up and the bunch line for Charles' puns. He's growing. He's learning.

Now, interestingly, Beethoven, Ludwig van Beethoven was dark. Has dark complexion. I mean, during the 2010s, during height of whiteness, they were like, oh, so he's black, black Beethoven. Really?

Do you not know about it? The Black Beethoven theory. Can you look out Black Beethoven? I mean, I'm sure that they made a TV series where he's, like, fully black. Afio Hersch presenting, was it? These days. These days.

Well, right. I mean, who's that? Bateshoven was black. So what art was. Type him was Beethoven black. This is 2020, okay. Yeah, Guardian. They really, they rammed that.

The smaller suggestion that they might be black, they're like definitely, 100%. Shakespeare's probably black. Yeah. There's no, yeah, he wasn't. He was just like slightly. Santa's black. God's black. Yeah.

Jesus was black. slight tan. But there is, he was bullied as a Spaniard. Right. So they used to call him. So I guess that's how white Germans are that you could be racially abused

as a Spaniard. Wow. Amazing. Different time. Different time. You kind of want to get back to that level of racism where it's that

because you'd be like, it's like a different Who brought the Spaniard? Yeah, I look to do that. Or like even from a different home county, you just want to keep pulling it back. So it's just like.

Yes, you've got a, Sussex tinge. It's a bit sunnier. It's a bit sunnier. Sightly sunnier. Well, this guy's from Brighton? Fuck on hell. What is this Hampshire tint this guy's got?

Positively Greek. Can't see him at night. You know someone's from Wessex. You can see someone when they smile at night. That's the only way I can see someone. Yes, I would like to bring that in. Home County's racism. Now, age 10, his father takes him out of school,

even though he had not yet written to learn how to write, not yet learn how to write and had terrible numeracy people maybe think he had dyslexia probably I mean he's an absolute basket case yeah he's neurodivergent for sure sure yeah and was Mozart

I was going to say it's the two sides of that coin go on you've got the uppity annoying ADHD right Mozart yeah and then the depressive Germanic smelly stinky don't look you in the eye Beethoven yeah I mean is it ADHD and autism seems like that's the split

and whereas Mozart is the music of ADHD, it's kind of like hyper-focused perfection. This is the music. Charlie, just play a bit of Beethoven's fifth for us, right? This is the music of a man when someone tries to make small talk. This is what's going on in his head. Yeah. Someone's come over and said, hello, how are you today? This is Beethoven's head. I can't talk about. Um, thanks, can't do talk about. Um, uh, train time. Good. Um, don't say how do you get here? How's your mother? Don't say how do you get here. Thank you. Fuck. Fuck. How'd you get here?

How'd you get here then? Shit. Don't ask which bus she took. Yeah. This is an autistic in a monologue. Do you take the 56? Oh, fuck. I've got outside new. He's an autistic man who smells. That's who Beethoven is.

Now, a man called Christian Gottlob Nefer. Yeah. I trust him. Gotlob is a great middle name. Took Beethoven on as a chutee. He was an organist, composer, a committed enligment thinker. Beethoven is the Enlightenment's composer. He bridges the Enlightenment in music, I guess.

And so he introduces, Neifer introduces Ludwig to ideas of freedom and equality, woke nonsense, as well as composition. And Nefer's the first one to say that basically Beethoven's the second Mozart. He says, this kid's insane. And so, but all of these great composers are all happening in Germany, Austria.

It's interested in there. I don't know why it is all in this area. It doesn't quite... Well, the Italian ones is well... Yeah, but do we... How much do we talk about them? Vivaldi. I guess Italians without opera.

But Italians were two sidetracked with fat women warbling. Right, right. And the German, the orchestra, I guess, is more of a Germanic thing. It was France as well. Leaving to like German romanticism and even the movement romanticism in art, Nietzsche, it does feel like this sort of Germany, it doesn't really exist in the same way anymore. Well, this is before. I don't see the Germans as a romantic people.

No, but you've got to remember that in the 19th century, Germany was very late to become a country. right and so there was a yearning for a myth a myth and a Germanic because right you go to Germany now there's some of the coldest people you'll ever meet well they took it too far right so now they just they just they were romantic and then it's like it's that story you know what this country I can't imagine

Germans writing this poetic love letter the country of Germany is this story right that Brett Goldstein told me right of soup what's it called this show that he does the football one anyway yeah he told me the story oh Ted Lassow that one this is the country of Germany right there's a couple who've done everything sexually

they're obsessed with each other and then they go we'd never done anything with poo and then they do one night where they shit on each other and the next morning they wake up they clean it, they clean the house up and they walk out the door and they never see each other again

and they get divorced that's the country of Germany romantic couple amazing works of art Mozart doing everything oh hit us in power holocault right that's done

yeah right scrub the shit out and let's leave and let's leave let's never speak to you again that's Germany and Austria now it's true yeah they've been muted they can't be they've just gone too far yeah they've gone to they've taken it too far they've had to they've had to take all that energy and put it into the basement yeah behind closed doors exactly um now beethoven finds refuge in the

household of the von bruinning family and here he teaches piano to their children he received a kind of emotional stability because his parents died quite young i don't know he's already they're already dead at this point anyway by 13 Beethoven becomes assistant court organist his first paid job. He goes to Vienna. He maybe meets Mozart. We don't know. The myth is is that he plays for Mozart and Mozart said, that young man will make a name for himself in the world.

Sure, but could be bollocks. Could be bollocks. Oh, but this is when he finds out. It's mum's ill. Mummy dies. Boo-hoo-hoo. Dad's drinky, drinky, drinky, drinky, drinky, but his dad dies... His dad dies of being an absolute legend.

Yes. Terminal legend. Terminal legend. Terminal legend syndrome. Turn the lesion syndrome. I'm receiving palliative care for being such a good bloke. And so at 18 years old, Beethoven's orphaned. He's the autistic head of the family caring for his brothers. I mean, it's an absolute, it's an autism nightmare.

Yeah. Mummy and daddy are dead. I've got young brothers. I'm the emotional anchor of this family. And yet emotions mean nothing to me. Yes. So after Mozart's death in 1791, Beethoven at this point is 21. Europe seeks a successor to the throne of music.

This is pre-Scrilex, right? Sorry, we haven't placed this, you're right. Now, should we say, so Beethoven is, let's place The Death of Mozart as the year we're placing. So 1791. Would you like to place this for us? Yeah, well, I guess it is, it's post-Bah. Yes. And it's, I guess it's pre, it's pre-Calvin Harris, right?

Yes. Pre-Calvin-Harris and Rivichy, that whole period. It's post-Bach, it's pre-Italian batch. which is spelled Bach. Yeah, I guess the two, the two bars. German Bach and Italian Bach. Right. Who's better?

Only history will, we won't know. We'll see. In our lifetime. We'll see. We won't know. So he goes to Vienna. He meets Joseph Hayden, who's a big composer. And this is, presumably there's loads of composers from this era that we just don't

give a fuck about. Yeah. So basically the French revolution kicks off and there's a war. And I think maybe the French go into the Rhineland. Yeah. Anyway, so after a period of stability in Central Europe is all starting to crumb up. Napoleon's in the wings, who will be a massive influence over Beethoven's career. The court that Beethoven was employed at flees into exile, and so this means he's freed from the obligations, and he goes to Vienna, and he settles there just after Mozart's death.

It's important to know about him. Yeah, so he's just deeply difficult to be around and unlikable in sort of every way. And smelly. Smelly, badly dressed, his accent sounds mad. His brother looks like this. I mean, yeah. It seems like he's just a, he walks in and it's just like a, every, a lot. All senses are like, what the fuck.

Yeah, yes, you are bombarded. He's loud, he smells. He's loud, he smells. Terribly dressed. Awful. Hair all over the place. Towards the end of his life, he is genuinely, he's arrested several times for being a tramp. Yeah.

It's like when Charlie got in first class. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, now Vienna, as we said in the last time, is a hotbed of cultural. Right. It's like the Berlin of its, of, of, now he didn't, he'd never worn a wig before. So all these people wearing those. his shit white wigs.

Yeah. He wants to look mad because he's the only one with normal hair, basically. Well, pray for his fucking brother. Oh,

we've gone, so he takes formal lessons with Hayden, but the relationship is quite strained. Hayden's getting old, busy. He's not a very good teacher.

Oh, he tries to find Sally Erie as well, who's the one who potentially killed. The one who's about Salieri. But Sally Ariel is probably Beethoven's best teacher. And there's Schubert as well,

who's another great composer. So it's all, it's all kind of like, I guess it's like Berlin in the 70s when you've got Bowie and Iggy Pop and people doing heroin in Berlin. These are fucking, these are guys in wigs eating cakes in Austria.

It's not quite the same, yeah. No, because basically it was cakes and coffee, wasn't it? Is this the era of the coffee house? Yes. It's the original coffee culture where people in wigs would eat bums

and chat about ideas. Yeah. But it's quite funny how hardcore the ideas would have been. What, how unwoke maybe they were. Yes, that's what I mean. They're eating cakes and Viennese buns

and they're talking about how black people are flora and fauna. Spanish people are flora. The Spaniards are mushrooms. And yet in the 70s, Bowie was doing heroin. Yeah. Talking about space, man. Let's all go to space, you know. Now the big problem with Beethoven is that he starts to go deaf pretty quickly.

Yeah, which you kind of think, everyone knows that about Beethoven. That's like the thing people learn about him. And you kind of think it's going to be a bit mythological. but it's fully true and it's madder than you would even expect it's so early that it starts happening from the start of his 20s so he's already composing but he's starting to go deaf pretty much from the off and so like the if you trace his career you just had to remember the late the the songs are the more deaf he is yeah which still doesn't really make sense I don't

understand I don't get and no one's really anything research I've done for this no one's explained how a deaf man writes the best music but then how does I get Stevie wonder right do you he's blind. I know, but how's he playing the piano? But you can sort if you, because if you're just focused on listening, you can probably learn. But you're deaf. You don't need to see more than you can hear. Because what base of him would do is he'd write little notes. Yeah. And give him to people because that's how he would communicate. Yeah, he had a conversation. But he can still hear music in his head. Imagine it's similar to like Brian Wilson. What happened to him at the end? He just went mad. All right. But then you would. If you're, if you're hearing everything in eight

track harmonies, you would go mad. Yeah. It's like your, your, your, your canvas is too bright. Yes. If someone says like you pass the milk and you're hearing Can you can you can you pass the mill? You're like, you know you'd go crazy. Yeah. He's constantly falling in love with women he's seen once. He's the ultimate in-cell, like wanting love that,

he's not an in-cell. He's an, uh, no, he isn't, he isn't. He doesn't. So all women he failed for, the only thing they had in common was that he thought he was horribly and smelly and unattractive. Yeah. And so he profoundly loved everyone.

I mean, his face was scarred with smallpox. Yeah. He didn't bathe. Yeah. He was often unkempt, mistaken by police for tramps, arrested. So he fell in love with someone called Eleanor von Breining. Yeah. Let's get a photo of up.

Let's get a photo of Eleanor von Breining up. Is she like a nano or is she got something going on? Eleanor could be a bit, is a bit more attracted than nun, nun at all. Oh, she's young. Okay. Yep. What a dog. No, not for me.

Could be worse. So he writes, he, while on a date with her, Beethoven makes a crude lunge. And she then obviously was offended by. it because he then apologises for the lunge in a letter. Yes. A crude lunge. So Beethoven is probably one of the insoles who's watching like charisma on command YouTube videos. You've seen these.

So it's like these amazing YouTube channel. And there's a whole kind of sphere of these videos. Yes. Where they sort of go to fictional videos like like Californication with David the Covenny, right? And they break down why, how to speak to women. It's like, well, this is a scene written by an incel. So don't do this because the whole scene's been written to make him look like a, badass. Right. Or they'll go on like Craig Ferguson interviews and the way that he flirts with

women, the guests. Oh, they're deconstructing. They deconstruct basically how to like speak to women. I see. So I imagine about it was trying this stuff. But what's missing from these videos is that it's normally very good looking kind of rich people, rich people who have a great career and can do this. If you just walk out with your Star Wars t-shirt on and try this stuff, it doesn't really, it's not was romantic. No. So I imagine that's what's happened with Beato.

But also a crude lunge on her first date is definitely not where you? Yeah. I mean, is that for a kiss? Is he trying to grab the puss? What's it? You know.

He's grabbed the puss one of his was one of his songs? The ninth symphony. You're right. Grab the pussie. It's like O to Joy. O to joy and then grab the purse. Yeah.

Yeah. Again, it's, you know, he's not they can't all be. Lunch to joy, lunch to purse. They can't all be winners. Elelor marries in 1802 and Beethoven never see the are again. Right.

One crude lunge and you've ruined it. It's all it takes with a woman. So he proposes marriage with a woman called Magdalena Vilman and she rejects him as quote, ugly and half crazy. Right. Again, this is very much when neurodivergence was pejorative.

Now, where's she quoted there, is she writing that down? I guess that is to his face. Right. You're ugly and you're half crazy. It's pretty mad having that in the history books calling someone ugly to their face. Crazy.

How old did you have to be? On record, yeah, he was ugly. That is surviving in the record. You're thinking they're ugly. In a eulogy, it's amazing. He was ugly. I want everyone to know that he was ugly. His 16-year-old piano pupil,

Giulia Giacardi, becomes the inspiration for the Moonlight Sonata. Should we ever listen? Let's get the Moonlight Sinatra up. This is most famous. If you've not, this is a very famous piece, again, we'll have to get Charlie to cover it. I mean, it's, I've always loved this piece of music.

I've always found it very beautiful, but I guess it's a horny teacher horning after, like, his pupil. Yeah, I guess it's. That sort of takes away from how romantic I found the song originally when it's actually just like a music teacher who's like balding and stinky, just like... A smelly paedophiles.

Smelly paedophile. You've heard this, haven't you, Charlie? I've heard this. Yeah. I love this. Okay, so let's just pause that for the sake of coffee, right? I mean, this is a sad horny. This is like...

It's a pito's lament. Yeah, it's a pito's lament. It is. And so Charlie's going to recreate this. Yeah I think you had to repeat the The look of concentration He's trying, bless him

Listen to it again, listen to it again Let's see where we're going to go wrong Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun d'n do that for copyright reasons. Yeah, but you know, to be fair to Charlie, Beethoven's hearing is deteriorating at this point. So that... What, is that what Beethoven is? Maybe.

Maybe that's... That's what it sound like in Beethoven's head. And then somehow he amazingly plays New Knights and Arta the Pido's lament.

Yeah. Her father blocked the relationship on the grounds of Beethoven's temperament and the fact that he was going deaf. Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot, that's two reasons. And also... And also is... And also, it's clearly... Stinky old peterphine. Yeah, it's because you go to death, mate.

Yeah. It's because your temperament. Yes. And your temperament is your stinky peterphal. Yes. I have a paedophilic temperament. now in the 1810s he wrote a famous letter to his quote immortal beloved declaring a passionate but impossible love but it was never sent and there were no definitive answers as to who this was yeah um so that's kind of the mystery of his do you think it was just like an idea of a woman he was sending it to possibly reach that point where it was just like oh i'll take anyone yeah that's him right into a fucking sex bot that's him right into like uh yeah come for me now bot you know just right into babe station but in the 18th century

So he never married. That's the point because he was a stinky nonce. And what we cannot know is whether Beethoven ever made love to a woman. Yeah. So these are all the, I want, when people listen to this music, I want, it's a virgin's music. Yeah. I mean, it has more urgency than Mozart's. Yes.

It's really, brimming with cum. It's like, oh, take off your pants. Take off your pants. You know, it's so. It flows out of him so easily. Uh-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. That is the difference.

Mozart is shooting robes and Beethoven shudderingly horny. Beethoven is Blue Ball to fuck his entire life. What's the science behind Blue Balls? Sorry? Apparently Blue Balls, I think, is like your sperm dying. They want to come out, but they can't come out. So they die in your balls. And that's what...

Well, there is a thing. If you're trying for a baby, you're meant to have sex every other night because that's how long sperm can live inside. the fanny, but also the more you splooge, and I'm using scientific terms here, the more you splooge, the more your sperm regenerate because they only have, they have like, they don't live for that long.

Basically, if you, if you're backed up for like, if you don't have sex for three months and then you have sex within a woman, you're essentially ejecting a mass grave into her. That's good. It's just dead. Oh, they're all dead. So how often do you need to be jacking it then?

I don't know, and I don't want anyone to think that's a safe form of protection. against having a kid I don't know if we want to encourage these guys to masturbate more if you bust onto like a ladybird or a fly does your sperm think

what do your sperm think is happening your sperm always thinks it's about to look for some pussy a ladybird or a fly if you pass on a ladybird hmm do they try and like

impregnate that ladybird your sperm always think it's in a pumper I'd say I'd say the more relevant question is what the fuck your neighbour's thinking when you're out in your guard and ejaculating onto a ladybird.

He's a biologist, right? In some ways. He's a bug chaser. I don't know, Charlie. I don't know what that would be. A friend supposedly tries to take Beethoven to a brothel, but Beethoven refuses because he has some dignity, and he calls them swampy places.

Yeah. But they are swampy. I mean, they're humid. It's not wrong. It's the birth of the funk. You know, the word funk is like Harlem slang for the smell of sex. And that's why the music's called that. Because it's like, wak, wak, wak, wak, wak, wak, it's like, it's stinks of there.

Yeah. But it's kind of like, it's like good, but it's all bad. Yeah, it's your own stink. If you're in the mood for it, it's good. What's the old golden age of being in a brothel? If you're going to go back to any period in time, what is the best time to really go to a brothel? Because, I mean, there's, you see some like British brothels now. Do you?

You see, like, documentaries, right? Yeah. Or, like, hidden camera documentaries. Yeah. Right? Um, and it'll be like the main light on. It'll be like office lighting. Yeah, I've always thought that.

Strip lighting. Yeah, like it looks horrendous. It just looks, yeah. It looks like a sort of student housing. Yeah, I don't know if there's ever, I mean, they're always just... What's the golden age of the brothel? I don't know. I feel like...

For some... Yeah. Optimist. I feel... Floating worlds. There's more class to it. I didn't know, but there's all the tea. And they're all into poetry and stuff.

Yeah, I couldn't. You're trying to get a break from. I'm trying to come. I imagine, like, put the tea pot away, love. you stop fucking reading me I don't want to do a Sudoku I want to shove your fist up my ass Christ

I can imagine maybe like a Persian one where it's like I don't know I feel like the aesthetics of like a Persian brothel could be quite nice yeah but then you're dealing with monobrows

on you hairy women everything's got it's only tradeoffs right it's true you can never find the perfect perfect brothel I think if you go back

Pompey's got a famous one for sure Jesus times where it's like like we're all basically animals and it's just like everyone like there's no question of like I'm fucking everyone in here that's probably is that what Jesus times were there's no question there's that what you said is that what you think Jesus time hello sir there's no question I'm fucking just so you know I want to get that cleared up immediately so you're fucking everyone in here it's so funny you know someone's hiding behind there you're getting fucked it's also so

funny how men come in so hot with that kind of language they bust once to like, I'm going home. I'm going home. I'm never having sex again. I'm so tired. I never want to do this again. I'm bisexual. I'm so tired.

Everyone here. All right, I'm gone. I'll never speak to any of you again. Sex is disgusting. I want my mum. I'm going home. Yeah, you go, you're all disgusting. Yeah.

But Beethoven never had that. So his music is you're all getting fucked. I'm fucking all of you. But you must be jacking it a lot probably. You have to be. Or maybe it all came out in the music. I mean, does look like a man who's never busted in

away. Sort of, yeah. He's blueboard. He's the ultimate blue ball. Now, want to know the real story of how Oasis made Britain mad for it?

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And if you use Spotify, you can watch the whole show too. That's Talk 90s to me. Out every Monday. He's deaf and he's... Fuck, he's death. He's deaf and his blueball. That combination of like horny, but you can't hear.

So at their age of 27, so about my age, Beethoven first note was buzzing in his ears. Not busting. Busting. Bustin. Cumb dripping out of his ears. Soon followed by slow declined.

Throwing ropes out of his ears. Doctors prescribed harmful treatments like blistering his arms with poisonous plant bark which left him temporarily unable to play in Hey look, it's easy for us to judge now but you've got to work the shit out and he retreats to Heiligenstadt

which is where he this is like a spa town I think he basically then writes letters of despair to his brother's talking about killing himself. All right mate yeah sure we all want to kill ourselves I'd love to die

please seriously someone kill me It's a living hell. Yeah. But he didn't kill himself because, and this is important, he believes that he must give all the art that he can. Because at this point, this is the early 90th century, this is where the idea of art becoming the apex of humanity.

Sure. The thing that separates us from the animals is art. The respect for the artist is coming through. The enjoyment of art, the self-expression. Enlightenment, individualism. So you can like sort of the self-expression of an individual. individual can now mean that you can be respected. Life is about express, you know, the height of artists to express yourself.

It's not just to make music for the king that he listens to while he eats a goose. It's to express your inner life. So this is where we get, you know. It's no longer King Goose music. It's not King Goose music. This is music, you know, this is the long road to cinema. Yeah, like sometimes if I'm eating cereal, I'll watch something on an iPad. Yes.

You know, just because it's, I get bored otherwise. Because you're a toddler. Yeah, exactly. So is that what the king's like? Basically. Yeah. I want some music. I need something while I meet my goose.

But, yeah. But Beethoven has got cum pouring out of his ears. Right. And he's expressing his inner virgin. Right. That's like everyone has their clown. Not even in a clown if you're a, you know, you're getting in touch again with your inner virgin.

We didn't, he had an outer virgin. So I don't really know what, there was nothing to be. Inside and out, he was a virgin. Yeah, I don't know if there is an inner virgin. So he returns to Vienna, reinvigorated. He'd gone to a spa. town he'd probably bust a load of nuts there he begins the third symphony right let's hear the third symphony should we listen to a bit of the third symphony this was the problem is the problem is with i'd hate

how they call them the third symphony the fifth concerto get them song net like oh to joy i can remember that yes i can't remember which which songs i listen to because it's they're all the fifth the fifth song the seventh song i know what the fifth and the seventh and ninth are right because those are the famous ones i don't know the third is it that famous i probably do which this is the one that is dedicated to Napoleon, but then Napoleon crowds himself Emperor and Beethoven explodes with fury and tears up the dedication page and he leaves a

hole in the actual manuscript because he's so annoyed. Because he saw Napoleon as someone who's going to unite all people and like be for the people and they'd turn out to be like an ego maniac. Yeah, exactly. So he then writes an opera It's quite an order. It's quite sincere time, right? Yeah.

I hate romanticism. It's not like there's no irony at this time. No. Weirdly to have the guy like this. It's kind of the opposite of this time. I'd say we're now in the ironicism age. Yes. And we look back on as like the irony age probably. But I also think, sarcasm did not exist. Because if you say something and you meant it, it was passion and you believed it. And you could say like, you could be so sincere and no one make fun of it. But then as, as ideas and science keeps getting disproved, then you lose faith in everything. And so cynicism and irony is the only thing left. Because that's why, you know,

government hasn't done anything for years because we keep having like new dawns that are broken and shattered and so in the remains of that you don't know and believes in anything there's no ideal to romanticise we're in like post-communist post-capulist

post-Blair post-trusts I mean you know who can we elect if trust can't do it who can't yeah if trust can't we're fucked Blair fucking fucked it

brown fucks it Cameron fucks it trust is fit surely no she fucks it as well do you know what I mean yeah so where are we now so there probably was no sarcastic comments in this period right no it's not a very sarcastic time no Beethoven's only ever opera leonore is premier during napoleon's occupation of vienna and it flops

obviously because there's just a few soldiers in the audience and he then quarrels with his patron prince lichnowski after refusing to play for french officers he smashed subust of the prince and he continued producing masterpieces in this time this is where he produces his fifth symphony, which is probably the most iconic. Yeah, I mean, we've got, in our notes, we've got written da-da-da-da-dum, and you know exactly what it is. So, try, let's just play, let's play a bit of that, okay?

You probably, you know this one, okay. Right, so this is... And then... I'm going to a bus. I'm going to pass. Yeah, let's just recreate that for the listener. Copy right through. yeah

there's a bit more in there there was more than the others yeah so they both premiere during a disastrously long and cold concert in 808 and he berating the musicians with performance he's also he's deaf though and he's smelly and he's drunk

so I mean he was notorious for a lack of public hygiene and crude bodily behavior so he would hurl rotten eggs at waiters people diners complain that a neighbouring table Beethoven is quote investigating the contents of his nose yeah he's just running absolute havoc

yeah he's got a huge ego because he's on Beethoven on the gene the mad genius is he kind of the beginning he's the first one that's what I mean he's the first he's the first person to be allowed to get away with this sort of behaviour just based on his artistic talent because he's like a traumatic artist and he's the fact he smells and he's avers

and he's probably a nonce as well people give him that you know it's the first real separate the art from the artist yes this starts with Beethoven it's going like he's awful I can't live with him but he's capable he produces such genius yeah separate the fart from the farthest

how's that yeah exactly lovely stuff because I mean he probably was doing that in public people like you got to you got to separate the fart from the farthest yeah you know and maybe once he went oh I don't like that that's a good rhythm That is the rhythm of you shutting yourself, isn't it?

Oh, no. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. Fah, fop, pooh. Anyway. So, he spends most of the 18, teens and 20s in a massive legal battle over the custody of his nephew, Carl, because his brother, Carl,

also called Carl, had died in 1815. Confusing. Very infusing. But they're not an imaginative family. Right. What I think to say about bait? Anyway, there's a long, boring legal battle. But what's interesting about him is that he, like,

I guess because he has no family, has no way of having kids because no one wants to have sex because he's a stinky pedo. So instead he sort of like emotionally adopts his nephew and then has this really strange, raw relationship where they fight a lot, but it's kind of close. And basically invests all of his family energy and emotions into these kind of like surrogate children.

But what's funny about his nephew Carl, his nephew Carl wants to join the military, sign up to the army. Yeah. And Beethoven's like a reverse Billy Elliot, be like, no, you're going to be a music put. Right, right, right.

You're going to join the circus. You're going to join the circus, like me. And then he keeps pushing him and pushing him, and his nephew attempts suicide multiple times, shoots himself in the head in 1826, but survives. So I don't know how good he'd be in the army. Yeah. Not to be all like Nicholas Beethoven and be like,

yeah, you'll do well in the army if you can't even shoot yourself an head. But is that attention seeking if you shoot yourself in head and don't kill yourself because you must be semi doing that on purpose. What, missing? If you wanted to kill yourself you'd shoot yourself

in the head, I reckon. But if you think he's just like, ooh, and then how are you doing that? Guns aren't that good in this day, you'd be humiliated. Yeah, but you're doing like this, aren't you?

You'd be gutted. If you shoot yourself in the head, you'd be, fucking gutted. It means you should kill yourself more. I know, that's the worst bit. But later, he enters military service. How would you do it? It must be fine.

Sorry? How would you do it? Well, I imagine, is it a massive musket? And then you've got a just like... Head in a blunderbuss. So during the last months of Beethoven's life, Carl's place was taken by the 13-year-old son of Beethoven's friend, Stefan von Breuening.

And they grew so close that Beethoven even called him, quotes, trouser button. Does he press his trouser button a lot? Well, I don't know. Right, because I feel that's been the thoughts that are whir around his head. The thread running through Beethoven's life is that his trouser button was never opened. No one. No one to touch.

Brendan Stratzer puzzle. Anyway, by the 18th, sort of 20, early days, he's completely deaf. La, la, la. So he can only watch telly at like two in the morning. Right. Okay. And people don't know why he's deaf. There's theories about he had a lot of lead in his system.

He may have contracted typhous or syphilis. Probably. Probably all of the above. Apparently immersing his head in cold water to stay awake. Is that a cold plunge cause deafness? I don't really think so. Anyway, by the 1820, he's totally deaf and he starts communicating

through conversation books. Yes. And what was really interesting is that, so obviously this is a great record of Beethoven. You've got, there's like hundreds and hundreds of these books, but his family, like, threw nearly all in the way

because the stuff he was saying was so fucking awful. They burnt them. Yeah, because he was like, no one should see. It's his personal assistant called Schindler. Yeah. So it's actually Schindler who gets rid of the list, ironically.

having a copy of how bad your dad speaks to waiters. Yeah, your dad had a book. You'd have to burn it then, wouldn't you? You'd have to burn it. Of course. It's a family secret. Yeah. How awful my dad is to waiters. So what's amazing, and now he's fully deaf, and yet he is producing some of the most complex works he ever does.

Wellington's victory, which is a graphic depiction of the Battle of Waterloo because he hates Napoleon, so he glorifies it. But does he just like hearing vibration? Is it just, is it all just like, No one's explained that to me actually. Do you look it up? Because I imagine I'm hearing, he's hearing music in his head, but it's not outside. How did Beethoven write?

It must be like a, no, no, you can still hear in your head. Can you? But to like understand what the orchestra are doing. Can you hear music in your head? You can still hear music in your head. You do a sense of touch to feel vibrations through pianos, sometimes modified by cutting the legs off. No, but that's different to, he would have heard music. Anyone can hear music in their head.

and then it's trying to express it so that you can hear it back in your ears So you just had such a deep understanding of music He basically could see He knew what every note sound He could see the musical, the Matrix musical code Right, he's seeing like ones and zeros And he adds them up

But he still doesn't really know if it's any good Or have no idea He had died not knowing if anything was any good He heard physical physical vibrations And inner musical imagination It's like those headphones now The bone conducting ones You can do for swimming

So I guess it's like that. So like I guess if you're deaf, you could probably listen to music that way. Yeah, you can because you can have a thing there. It's opposed to going your ear and this is why you can use them swimming and it's better for running. It's just here and the vibration goes straight.

Cochlear bone there. It's just vibrations. But your brain interprets it as noise. Like vinyl? No. It's all right. It's just like using grooves? No.

Where's the grooves? I don't know. He would place a wooden spoon in his mouth to feel the vibrational. of the piano was traveled through his jawbone. Right. He's probably just biting on a bit of woodwindle. He fucking jack at it.

Anyway. So despite illness, depression, alcoholism, Beethoven's late period produces monumental works. And we get to his ninth symphony, which is, this is the kind of the apex of his achievement. This is still one of the most complex pieces of music ever written. Yeah. This is the theme for the European. Union?

Ultimately, yeah, because it comprises O's a Joy, that's the fourth movement. It's the first major composer to put vocal parts in a symphony. This is how Beethoven

is always breaking rules and moving music on. Rules of hygiene. Rules of hygiene. Rules of eye contact, rules of consent. And, you know, he suffers pneumonia,

jaunders, liver damage, but continues composing. At the premiere of this work, he is conducting and then he can't hear that the musicians have stopped.

they've finished and then the other conductor has to tap him on the shoulder and turn him around so he can see the standing ovation that's happening behind him.

Very moving. So you have no idea. So this is, bear in mind, this is the most complex piece of music ever written. This is Beethoven's crowning achievement. Did he bring in

singers for this? Yeah, yeah. And that was revolutionary. Yes, because that you didn't put cool stuff in symphonies. Right.

So he broke rules. He founded modern kind of the whole romantic movement. Yeah. And so I just like, like to play a little bit here, and Charlie's going to try and recreate it for our copyright restrictions. You did?

Yeah. You heard this? Yeah. Yeah, you know this. Right. Okay. This is actually the music is when you get to the end of Siv 3, they play that as like the Enlightenment phase.

So this is the Enlightenment themed chin. So Ode to a Young Boy. Ode to a Young Boy. Yeah. So Charlie, this is, this is Beethoven's most complex piece. La La, la. I mean, I guess he's breaking some rules. Lots of rules, yeah.

All right, thank you, that's enough. And that's now, that's the theme tune to the European Union. Yeah, it is. whole place is a toilet now no wonder we left so that was Beethoven's ninth his last

sort of major piece he dies on the 26th of March 1827 during a violent thunderstorm which you just heard his final words greeting a late delivery of 12 bottles of his favourite wine was pity pity too late

okay because he just wanted some booze he was an absolute booze hound in his final few years he lightly died from liver disease maybe it was Hep B or just because he drank himself to death. Just at the time, you have no idea what's killing you.

Nah, no. And his head and skull fragments are again from intense phrenology. Yeah. I do find it so... I guess you can have two having Mozart of Beethoven's, you can now look to see if there's any

anything that links the two. Yeah, I do think it's so funny that phrenology comes after the Enlightenment. Yeah. This is the Enlightenment. Finally we see reason. Yeah.

Towards blind, now I see. Yeah. Oh, I know why you're stupid. Yeah. You've got the thick button in your head. So Beethoven's...

So the music button pushed, but never the trouser button. Never the trouser button. Right. He died, his trouser button was stuck down. Never to be pushed. Yes,

they were looking for the quote, music bump that would explain his genius in his head. So Beethoven dies and the... Beethoven's funeral is crazy. But so this kind of tracks... So is he getting an absolute chart topic? Bing Bangers during his lifetime, then he must be.

Some of them are, yeah. But some of them are not. His funeral draws thousands. People snip locks of his hair, his relics, like it's a Catholic indulgence. But what's weird is he doesn't seem that popular while he's alive. No, he's not a likable man. Yeah.

But people think he's a genius. Even though he's chucking eggs, people in cafes. But you can get away with that stuff. Yeah, he has fans. Right. But in the same way that fucking Marilyn Manson. Right, right, right. Or probably not.

I mean, isn't he all, isn't he, nonce or rapists or? No, he sucks his own dick. That's the whole, that's the whole thing. Doesn't kind of rape it as your own dick. Is that what you're saying? Who am I here to meet? Anyway, so he dies and I guess

what this, his death signals is the complete transition from, you know, the early days of Mozart where you were a salaried musical chef to the, the, the archetypal artist artist and he even said during his life

he doesn't make music for the masses no it's the first musical art snob right the first film bro all this stuff starts with Beethoven Beethoven is the first person to be snobbish about his audience he's the kombucha mother he is the compocha mother

Charlie Charlie no I don't know why we've given Charlie more equipment Charlie don't say sorry then start playing it again so just to play us out Charlie yeah right Right, his most famous piece, which was not published

during Beethoven's lifetime, is Ful Elise, which obviously was a girl that he was trying to bang, probably. And it was discovered 40 years after his death. Right. Charlie,

should we just play a bit of the actual piece so just you can get a sense of it? Is it that one? Oh, that's fine. You don't need to play it. Just play your version. Okay. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

So is this first? Elisa I think if I was Elisa I would probably be like I'd rather you did dedicate this to me No I always miss you I just want to kiss you

Make it about Elisa Lisa Lisa You're the nicest lady I'm over there But Elisa you're the nicest lady Elisa I just want to kiss Yeah That's good

On your tummy and bum I'll eat you Is that your phone's ringing Fuck me Fuck me On your team Oh you're from Where you're really from

Stop What are you from From Elysa You from Why is it where you from From Elysa What is it Where are you from from

Where did that come from Where did you come from Where did she come from Wow I didn't realize Bait over was racist Okay So

Charlie's also going deaf as well He's got that Yeah, and blind Yeah, deaf and blind And thick Yeah stinks And he smells

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