Fin vs History - The Timeless Comedy of Baking Dwarves Into Pies | Peter The Great

Episode Date: July 27, 2026

Warning, the rabbits in this series have not been cooked properly. The Great Northern War (Part One) This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠  Chapters: 00:00 - Truss Is Britain  03:33 - It’s A Whole Team 07:18 - Russia Is Russia-ing 10:56 - No He’s Fine!  14:44 - Post Stamp Clarity 18:03 - She’s The Box 20:50 - Give Dwarfs The Roles 23:52 - Beavo’s Front Line 27:35 - The Graceful Retirement  30:09 - Horatio’s Entourage 34:46 - Exposure Therapy 39:28 - The Beard Tax 41:21 - Charlie’s Crime  46:56 - Bibs!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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a serial killer targeting teenagers across the city. This fever dream of youth, beauty, sex, and mystery is a must see. FX's The Shards, streaming August 5th on Hulu on Disney Plus. Sign up now at Disneyplus.com. Welcome back to Finland's history. Join me as a show called Hey all. And today we are discussing Peter the Great.

We are in Russia, a phenomenal figure. Not one I really knew much about before this. I don't think we learned about Peter the Great or the Great Northern War, but complete bangers, back-to-front bangers. Awesome stuff. Yeah. There's probably the most amount of dwarves

has ever been in an episode. I'll say that now. Probably. Probably. The dwarf's throne. Most dwarf's throne. Yeah. 100%.

And also I didn't realize, how basically he makes modern Russia. I sort of assumed Russia had always been like this. Because Russia's not as old as people think in many ways. No. It's just like a mad, it was like a Viking slave estate that sort of, he turns it from that. Minute silence for the white slave victims, please. Victims of white slave.

This one, this episode is to raise away and this of white slavery, as all of episodes are. Every episode is. This podcast is a anti-white slavery podcast. There's a donation link in the bio below. Click the link to help fund my reparations, which I will be paying myself as dividends. Yes. which I believe one of Andy Burnham's

first policies should he come in is to make... If he had any sense. If he had any sense, if sense is not completely left this country that it would make white reparations not taxable. This is the Finn Taylor's article in the telegraph

with a picture of him like that. Euro reparations and the government is taxing them. White reparations now. Burnham, get your mitts of my reparations. operations, okay? We are not in... It's not coming out in Burnham's Britain.

We don't know. We don't know yet. Are people going to still be saying Bernard Starmers... Burnham, Manistan. Yeah, is that... Burnham's Britain. Because Starmes Britain

caught on more than any... People weren't saying that Sunnaks Britain or anything like that. So I don't know. Is it a new slate's clean or is it just going to go straight to Burner's Britain? I think if you're a Labour

Prime Minister... You're always going to get... You always get Britain. It's not Britain in the minds of the press. Blair's Britain. Yeah. You know, trust is Britain. Trust is Britain?

Trust is Britain? So there's no point saying trust is Britain. That's a double. Right, right. You're just saying the same thing twice. Yeah, exactly. Tortology. It's a tortology.

But Burnham's Britain, you know, that shouldn't be here. Britain shouldn't be under Burnham. Now, you just got Burma up, Charlie, and you just left it there and leant back in your chair. Well, we may turn into Burma. Yeah. If we carry on the way that we're going. If he does not sort out HMRC's policy, on white reparations.

Yeah. Genocide in the jungle, I reckon. 100%. But anyway, we are in 17th century Russia. It's a time period we don't spend much time in as well, but it's a fascinating one. The end of the 17th century. I don't know why,

because I guess for British history, the Napoleonic wars at the beginning of the 1800s, and you've got the English Civil War, glorious revolution. It's a bit of a dead zone in that. It was a karma zone, I guess. It's science. Yes. So I kind of tune out.

Is it like Newton? Yeah. And the other fucking... Oh, the other one. He got Samuel, writers like Samuel Johnson. Samuel Pepys? Yeah, but that's... He's like the British and Frank.

Is that right? Yes, but I guess it's a... Boring. Even sadder story. Even sad. Even more boring. No, we get great for our London. So I guess it's just that, this little bit here.

Yeah. But the year seven... So what year is this happening? What year is he born? Well, Peter the Great's born in, I think, 1680 something. Yeah. And then shit really kicks off at like 1700. Yes.

And nothing seems to happen at 1700. I can't place anything at 1790. Should we try and place it? Peter the Great is born in 16, 17. So it is just after the restoration in England. Yeah. And it is before. Rupert-Loe.

Rupert-Lowe's restoration. Yeah, exactly. Which is TBC. Yes. TBC. Yeah. So it's after the restoration. When the only true patriot in this country,

defected from reform and started. You know they're a patriot if they've started their own political party. Yeah. So... We covered some of the sweep of Russian history on the Russian Revolution episode. We did a very brief rundown.

But yeah, it's an incredibly wild place that it's completely landlocked at this time. It's not even called Russia when he's born. It's called Muscovy. Muscovy around Moscow. It's all linked to some rivers which had just fur trappers and slavers and it's just a mad, wild place

basically at this point. Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. Yeah. One of the biggest empires has ever been? I can't really get my head around that. I mean, Sweden are a power? Yeah, it's upside down land.

It is, I mean, what's going on. Yeah. But Russia is backward, and it's Peter the Great, who basically, through sheer force of will, modernizes them into the, makes them a modern country. And when we're talking about, you know, why is Russia so fucked in the head? Yeah.

Which was part of our discussion in the revolution. part of it is how Peter like his childhood no one has probably a worse childhood Yeah well he had the best childhood in Russia But yeah sorry exactly that's what I mean As much

No one's had a better childhood in Russia Yes but we have to reiterate The Russian standards of good parenting Yeah It's a massacre Yeah Because is his great granddad's Ivan the terrible

Who's the first Romanov Right Or after him the Romanov star Right okay Because of what he did Right. Romanov line has only basically just started and ended the Russian Revolution.

But yeah, he has a tough start to life. So his dad has 16 children and Peter's the 14th. Right. And they're all Russian Orthodox. And how does that make you feel? Yeah, 14 of 16th. You know, people often say the third child is to get left out. If you're the 14th of 16th, you're getting lost in the middle, really.

But also I imagine... It's a scrum, really. Yeah, well, it's a whole team. It's a whole team. 15. Rugby is 15. Rugby is 15 aside, isn't it? They're all Russian Orthodox, which as we discussed is... It's got a different flavour.

Yeah. Because Moscow see themselves as the third Rome. It's the first Rome, which is Rome, second Rome, which is Constantinople, and Moscow. So it's already defining itself as distinct from both Catholic and also the Protestant world. And Russian Orthodox basically is much more about having a terrible life, it seems. Or rather that's fine.

Suffering. What's interesting is... is in Britain, we're quite miserable, and we seem to celebrate terrible things happening. But it has a very distinctly different feeling to Russia. Well, there's a stoicism to Britain. Right. Bad things will happen, we'll get through them.

Russia, bad things are happening. Brilliant. And I'm fucking loving it. I'm hard for all the bad things that are happening. And also I think this is because Britain's a much smaller country. Everything's less dramatic here. So what we glorify is everything, anything being a bit shit. Yes.

Well, I thought I'd enjoy my birthday, but it was disappointing and it rained. And Russia, it's like, I thought I'd enjoy my birthday, and then my entire family was killed by bears. And people are like, brilliant. I was like a fucking great birthday. So he's the 14th of 16th, and basically he's born into a family with a political struggle going on.

Charlie's actually brought up something quite interesting. Estimates of Moscow's Muslim population range between 2 to 3 million, establishing it as the city with the largest Muslim population in Europe. Bloody Moscow. Moscow. Moscow-inistan. Look at that.

I'm no idea. Did you know that? I did not know that. But then Chechens are Muslim, aren't they? Yeah, I guess so. But who... But also, Russia's just the entire world. Yeah.

It shouldn't be one country. Why is it one country? It's Borat. It's Koreans. It's Muslims. Like, pick one. Yeah. How is one country bordering Finland and North Korea?

Yeah. It's not a country. Yeah, but they've taken all the space that God didn't finish. Yeah. It was just like auto- Russia. Yeah. Fill that in.

You got bored. How is one country... The whole of Siberia's copy and paste. If you're developing a video game, it's just... But how is... Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. How is it like... My wife?

Like, how is that? Yeah. You went a bit Vietnamese there. Well, that's probably close by, isn't it? Probably. Is it about as big as America? Way bigger. No, way big.

America could fit in. America and Australia can fit in Russia, and you still have about... two million square miles change. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. I think, I think,

I think, I think, uh, mainland Europe fits in it about five times. Yeah. Six times. I kind of understand why, um,

go on. They want to be the king then. Because they are massive. Yes. And they have been squashed. Sorry? They've been squashed. But they are massive.

Right. They haven't been squashed. They have been a bit squashed. Are you, are you, are you, are you, are you spitting some propug and stuff right here?

Yes. Right. Okay. Do you think, would you say, was backed into a corner of Putin. I'd say so, yeah. Right, okay.

Well, this is the long road to the Ukraine war as well. This is a fascinating stuff. And they constantly evoke, this is such a big part of, they have such a sense of history in Russia. They're constantly evoking. Stalin evokes Peter the Great.

Putin evokes Peter the Great. But this is the first time Russia starts bothering itself in Eastern Europe. Yes. It's the first time Russia starts rushing. Yes. Our understanding of Russia is Peter the Great, really. Hey, y'all's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair.

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The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone. No, it doesn't, but I want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do. Good. Well, our podcast can help. It's called American Friction, and it's out every Monday and Friday. We discuss all the big news from across the pond,

and explain it all with world. world leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen, right now, wherever you get your podcasts, right now. American Friction! So his early years are marked

by this extraordinary instability because there are two, his dad has two marriages. So there's two branches of the family. So when he dies... My dad's marrying a Russian woman tomorrow. So I guess I'm quite similar. Two marriages.

Yes, who's going to? to inherit it. Do you think they'll have, do you think they'll have step brothers and sisters? He promised us he wouldn't. And I think he's, he's gonna still do it anyway. Yeah.

So, how old is, my sister's, pretty terrified. How was new step-man? How was new step-man? Well, 36, 35.

Oh. So you're, yeah, it's nice that your podcast partner is the same age as a step-man. Yeah. That's normal. It's all right. It's my age.

I've got long common with her. I also get stuck in washing machines. Yeah, I guess finally. I'm always rooting around the back of washing machines. Stuff my kids fucking toys, getting stuck in it, dabbies in the back of it. I guess it's different story. It doesn't really work when you do it.

We've said before that the unpopular... Step back gets rapes and tumble dry. It's not as good of film. Not as good a film. The disappointing sequel. Anyway. So yeah, there's two branches of the Peter the Great Family, right?

There's the Narishkins and the Miloslavskis. So when his dad dies, suddenly there's kind of political instability. The first person who succeeds Alexei Romanov is Peter's half-brother Theodore, who is pretty much disabled, horribly disfigured. Down syndrome. Is that what they thought he had? I think they had down syndrome. But we're getting that a lot.

And a lot of the history we're doing, people are saying they might have down. So we really don't know. But I think Down syndrome has been a broad category throughout history. Yeah. And then it's gotten narrower as our understanding has increased. So we really can't know. But this is sort of this story, you know,

we're going to end up with the Great Northern War. This really is from Down syndrome to Sockham syndrome. But it says he has keen intellectual abilities. Interesting. Maybe he's like a Hawking's more than a Harvey price. Yes. We can't. We can't know really.

But Theodore dies in 1682. From Hawkins to Harvey, the spectrum. The full spectrum. Of red light disabilities. Yes. So Ozie. Ivan the 5th, they thought I had daren't. My Russian was a downturnerone.

Feodor may have been more hawking. Even the fifth is another, he's the one that Peter the Great ends up sharing a throne with, I think. Anyway, so when Theodore dies, there is a Moscow uprising in 1682. And this is set on satellite by the Strzzi. Yeah. Who are the Praetorian Guard. In some ways, they're kind of like the Secret Police as well.

they're kind of, it's that lineage. But they wear caftans. They look like women who in the 70s, like my aunt would go in like the sort of hippie trail with. Right, yeah. Big baggy, print stuff, big bug boots. But then they have like spikes.

Yeah, they're women who have found themselves with pikes. And so the Streltzzi are left without a clear successor. And they, so they then storm the Kremlin and start massacring Peter's family, the royal family. Backs into corner. So Peter the Great is nine years old and he's hiding in a cupboard in the Kremlin and these sort of women in kaffetans I think the actual moment, I believe, I don't know if it was a different time, but on the red stairs behind in the cathedral square in Moscow, this like famous staircase.

I believe that they were upset about something and then that one of their leaders came out and said, right, now the mutiny's over, you guys need to fuck off and go away. and they were ready to go home because he said it was such a bad too much stank on it and was too fucking shitty about it one of them grabbed him and threw him onto their pikes oh yeah a lot of people getting impaled

a guy gets tossed from a balcony like orcs and then they got one of the guys what started this blood bath they just chucked him onto it and he got shish kebabbed through the rectum I think Russian shish kebab

through the rectum and heads mounted on pipes and then they just killed the whole family and there's a lot of them though so it's nice to cull. But also this is you know. As much as it was traumatized

as Peter the Great he's got like 15 so it's good to like it's like rabbit it's like you got to cull it for the quite a Christmas next year yeah

but also this is the you know the Romanovs as we learned in the end of the Russian Revolution series they get fucking gunned down in the basement and it takes fucking ages it's brutal

yeah and they're loving it and they're loving it they're like old ball work yeah great weekend for us this weekend. We got massacred in the basement.

Yeah, to the kids down, Siberia. We got a basket in a basement. It was lovely. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. They loved it. Really loved it. But this, again, the Romanovs, quite early doors are getting massacred. So Peter the Great is eventually found like trembling in a cupboard and they've

been searching for like days. And the only way he'd hidden is that they left the door of the cupboard slightly ajar so that it looked like he'd already been searched that covered. But he was fine. Well, it wasn't fine. well yeah no it's fine

oh right okay you're done fine I'll just get that now but this you know when we're looking at if Peter the Great kind of is the personification of modern Russia

we're looking at why they're so fucked in the head you know his diary of his CEO episode is to be fair he's got ammo yeah he's got a lot of stuff Freud would have a field day

that that that choppy intro would go fucking mental yes and that's when they butched my entire family what and barlots there.

Oh, that reminds me when I had two glasses of wine. Noms. Noms. Two glasses of wine. They ruined three days of my life. Your podcast ruined three days of my life. Christ. Anyway, so to stop the bloodshed,

the straeltes you basically get tired, I think, from impaling people. Which is their episode of Dairosier, which is on next week. I've never felt more exhausted. Yeah, honestly. Because this is what people don't talk about. I was so worn down.

Chopping heads off. It's not like a clean cut because it blunts the blade. Yeah. So when you're on to like the 12th child, it like takes ages. They're chopping, yeah. Isn't there something how they were chopping up boys? And then they were just stamping on the on the, on the bottom like the limbs, like making fucking wine out of them.

Yeah, I imagine it got a little bit out of control. Yeah. I think everyone was doing things that maybe they regretted. Yeah. It's like, was like stamp on the point? Yeah, in the morning it's like, because you get, you must get like a mad blood lost. Yes.

It's different from being drunk. I think you just do things that, you know, it's not you. You're not you. You're not you when you're killing children. No, you're not. So that's a sticker sad word. No.

But then it must, they must, you know, they must stop, like stamping on people and then be like, ah, yeah. What post-stamp clarity? Yeah. Post-stamp clarity. Like, oh.

I feel a bit, I feel a bit ashamed now. Yeah, maybe. So Peter, understandably, doesn't like Moscow very much. He's a lifelong h for the Moscow. Yes.

And he's also developed kind of facial ticks. Yes. From stress. Twitching. Yeah. But there's a compromise and the Stralt's who quite tired. Nine-year-old Peter

and his mentally disabled half-brother Ivan are crowned as COSars. They're the only ones who survived then? I think they are. And Ivan had a form of Down syndrome. Right. And so again, that's another, is that a bit of a hit to Peter's self-esteem? You know, you're not good enough to do it yourself.

You can do it with him. Right. And you're like, really? Yeah. I feel like I'm going to be carrying this administration. It's like at school when you're asked to a group task. Yeah. And you get, you get picked with this guy.

And it's like, well, yeah. Fuck. It's like Starmel looking at Reeves. Oh, fuck it hell. You have to do everything, aren't I? So, now, both boys are too young and one of them has Down syndrome. So their older sister, Sophia, runs the country as a region. But it's a phenomenally misogyn.

time the 17th century Russia this is a time period where when a woman gets married off her father hands the husband a whip and says she's yours now and that's not a kinky thing no that's practical that's practical

that whip is being utilised so that's Sophia is it that's the my God that's a pretty chewy rabbit for us dogs to look at she was accused being she was being accused to being a man in the dress Fuck me Switch to video

My God People say Bridget McRohn's a man God that severe Severe woman Coming home after Dave for more than one drink At the pub To that face

I was thinking about this Who's that little fella in the back Is that? That must be him That's Peter in it Is it? So this is Peter's older sister You know

I was thinking about this I was thinking about Kind of beauty standards And I was like Obviously you know It goes from skinny To kind of curvy And skinny to curvy

You never get like fridge do you know what I mean like a what throughout history is boxy when is the era of the boxy

like sturdy I guess when we've talked beauty standards the woke thing now is saying that it's like this is just modern heroin chic

in the back of the day they used to think big was beautiful but it's really always like pear shape that's what I mean it's never like yeah

you can still see an outline of bums and boobs yeah it's not just box solid mass has never been that looks like

a woman is being delivered in a box and there's an actual woman inside that. Right. And you have to like get rid of the box. You're trying to open the box for there's no box to open. No.

She's the box. While she's running it, he gets sent to his, the royal retreat in Prebajnish Goya. Yeah, of course. And it's here where his personality results to come out. He basically gets given, he's obsessed with playing model soldiers, but with actual soldiers. Yeah.

So he makes like a regiment of local peasant boys and servants to form like play regiments. Yeah. And but with live ammunition. Yeah. And makes these massive sort of mock battles with toy soldiers. And he also... He's like Alec Baldwin. He is like Alec Baldwin.

But as a teenager, he's... Because obviously he's had this insane trauma, which he loves. He loves it. He sees Moscow and the kind of Orthodox conservatism as a yoke. Yes. And he's looking west. Yeah.

You know, he's looking at... Moscow had a German quarter. Yeah. Which is funny that, like, you know, in Paris, as the Latin Cartier right? And that's like the Jujibir.

Yeah. But Moscow's so far that the Jusiber is German. Yeah. You know, and at this point Germany is Lutheran. But Russia and Germany,

you forget that their culture has been interlinked because Germany is sort of Russia's linking to Europe. Throughout their whole history, there's been like a lot of tension between them and Germany. They're the people who

are on the frontier with Russia seemingly. Well, there's Poland and all that stuff. But seemingly, I think they're the first great civilization that Russia seems to connect with. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, everyone here and in Russia just sees that bit in between German and Russia is like that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Poland, Belarus. Ah, I don't know.

So in the German quarter in Moscow, is where he met all his lifelong friends. And they're all, they're doing smoking hash, drinking pints. And it should be said, that Peter the Great himself

is like six foot eight. Yes, a massive guy. Which is terrifying. Big bloke. Yeah. Small hands, small heads. Yes. Beautiful.

Yeah, and he has a... Beautiful man. It's said that he has a sort of jarring gate. Yes. Where he sort of... He sort of moves like Kramer, seemingly. Yes. Yeah. Lurches forward.

He's recognisable. Some of the teenage shenanigans he gets up to with his partner in crime, a man called Franz Lefort, Swiss man. They built a massive extension to the mansion for parties. And then he also... They keep this like...

He organises... a sort of menagerie of freaks, his words. Yeah. Which is a lifelong love of his, actually. Yeah. Dwarves, giants, and people with severe physical deformities. So it's similar to... He's kinging, right? You know, a lot of people don't use kingship for the right reasons. If you've got privileged, use it. Exactly.

They're similar to mocked Azuma in the Aztecs when he had to sayable zoo. Yeah. He was asking for... He wanted people to be brought freaks. And then, I mean, the sources say that he gets... brought like babies whose eyes are beneath underneath their nose and eyes on the side they're like six legs and stuff. If you don't have social media this stuff because now you see that shit

all the time. Yeah boring. Imagine being brought that would be amazing. So at major state banquets hosted by these two, their favourite party piece was to serve guests a massively oversized pastry pie and when the crust was cut open an oiled up naked dwarf would slither out. That is funny.

That means that's good stuff. Because people say that comedy doesn't age well. That's terrific. You look back at the stuff in the 80s, it doesn't really age well. But that's fucking 300 years ago. Timeless. But I think physical comedy is timeless. Yes.

You know, I think puns and stuff like that, that doesn't really work over time. But I guess if you're a dwarf, are you, you know, are you always physical comedy? What do you mean? Well, as in, what if the dwarf wants to say something like meaningful and sincere? Well, he's a dwarf. So it's funny. He's a dwarf in 17th century Russia. Yeah.

so it's not no yeah you're gonna be oiled up and slithering out of the cake brother yeah like what do you expect then interestingly because obviously everyone goes that's very unfashionable nowadays yeah is to use dwarfs a sort of fun many humans you can play it with um which is a controversial thing because there's a lot of dwarf actors who are upset because it's a huge industry yeah and really they should be getting dwarf roles i think personally what do you mean i mean you know there's a whole debate about actors you know should disabled actors play disabled roles yeah gay actors play disabled gay roles because they're the same apparently.

Should dwarfs be played by dwarves or tall guys with shoes on their knees? Yeah, I don't think that that should happen. I think give dwarfs the roles. Yeah. I think if fucking Eddie Redmayne is putting his shoes on his knees and being head dwarf and snow white,

I think that's a disgrace. Anyway, so Peter in 1689, is 17 year old and he marries a Russian aristocrat called Eudoxia who's 19. Sounds gorgeous. She's not. She's a muntar, I think. in the modern parlance.

And she's boring and she's very conservative. And she likes the kind of orthodox Moscow heritage. But then one night, right, a, yeah, no, it's not good stuff. She looks like, you know, Calvin Robinson? You know the... Oh, yeah, with the mad hair. You know the GB News, the right wing black guy. Yeah, I know you mean.

Yeah. It's got the same hair as Calvin Robinson, I think. Is that his name? Yeah. I think for fans of dog seeing rabbits, this is quite a tough series. Yes. We're not yet at Russian. Hard times make hard women.

Yes. I think if you're looking down on her, like if you were just right next to her face, and you could be like, you're quite gorgeous, maybe, with candlelight. Yes, but your celebrity crush is Miriam Margulies, who you said, and I quote, I want to kiss her boobs for hours. You find anything sexy, Charlie? That's what's kind of endearing about you in a way,

until it gets to children. Yes. Hey, I don't think children are sexy. You used to think that you thought that. Maybe I would, but it's harm OCD if for anyone struggling, call the doctor and seek to me out. And say, I'm a pedophile.

See what happens. Hang up. Anyway, one night, a frantic messenger rides into Peter's village, and the Peter says that Sophia had dispatched a straltsy to assassinate him in his bed, right? And Peter, to be fair, has a sort of lingering paranoia

from when his entire family were butchered age 10. So he gets out of bed naked and runs to the stables on horseback. He's got a bit like RFK Jr. You know how he's a bit fucked in the head? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Because his brother was really fucked in the head. Yeah, exactly. So he goes to a monastery and then he assembles his toy army, his kind of fake thing. It turns out they're kind of a real army. And then he basically charges on Moscow and Sophia's support completely crumbles.

Yeah. And now, And everyone sides with him. Yeah. They're just trying to see who's going to end up winning and it's clear that he's the one with the... Is it just him and his mates? Yes, it's him and his mates,

but he's somehow built a sophisticated army that sort of a play army, but they've got soldiers uniforms and they got real guns. Yeah, and they're trained like an army. So they're basically armies, and they're mates. Yeah.

It's like if you're on a stag do and then World War III kicked off and you just went, well, we'll just be a platoon. Yeah. And we'll just fucking carry on. Yeah. We were saying with Pierre,

weren't we, that we'll be in the platoon with like Bivo and Gordon Ramsey and Marco Pierre, White and stuff. Yeah. What? Marco Pierre White. And Bevo? Everybody's a celebrity now.

Yeah. If they do conscription, we're just going to have to be hanging out with like Bevo and Marco Pierre White. Would it be a celebrity vanguard? I don't think Marco Pierre White's like an original celebrity and he's also like 50. Yeah. I don't think he's going to be conscripted.

He'll be a commander. Send Bivo. You'd probably be cooking, wouldn't he? Yeah. I mean, Bivo is front line. He's first over the trench. Bivo's cannon fodder. so many celebrities these days

are just like you're just just sort of fucking should be mowed down by a gatling gun yes yeah no you're right took the words out of my mouth so many celebrities this day

we should just throw in the bin of a gatling gun bevo being one of them that whole sphere that whole TikTok sphere who are too kind of thick and annoying to put on internet yeah

cannon fodder yeah they need to be card like rabbits yes yeah there just needs to be like a great naturally like wildfires are natural occurring

because sometimes it just Rachel Nature needs a reset. Yes, like a pandemic. Yeah. So after this, Peter takes the throne from his sister. Yeah.

Peter now sets up essentially a sort of state-run stag do called the all-drunken, all-gesting, synodd of fools and jesters. So like monster raving loony party sort of stuff? Is it kind of like satirical? No, I think it's more... It is satirical, right? Yeah, but in a kind of... If I got it's for you way...

Yeah, it's trying to lampoon the church. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's Monty Python stuff. Yeah. Oh, all drunken, old jessing, all jessing, sonod of fools and jester's. Yeah.

Vote for us. That's what we should call our WhatsApp group. Yes. No, I mean, there's a lot of patrons who'll be in what's our groups called this. We are the old drunken, all jettling thinnod of fools and jester's. Did you catch the latest episode of Finn versus History?

A very merry time was had by all. But I guess this is, we have, this is the 1600, so I imagine it was less lame to say that. People hadn't started saying that yet. Ha-ha. Yeah. A pint of hazzars.

Christ. I would have hate to be alive this time. Ivan retired from politics which is interesting because I think retired from politics you're thinking sort of... I think retarded from politics is what they meant. I think that's a typo of the script. I think that's a typo.

Yeah, the graceful retirement. To be able to walk away. Is it like a round of sanitation in the House of Commons after like an incredible tenure? Fuck me, what a shift he did. How's he done that? Yeah. The country I love

ice cream. He's clapping, but that's, you know, he's always clapping. He's hugging everyone. Whistling as he walks away from the lectern. So the members of the all-drunken synodd of fools and jesters would dress up in mock religious robes and ride through the streets on pigs, throwing day-long bacchanalian rages. And this is designed to mock the Orthodox Church,

which has had a grip over Russia. So the Orthodox Church, is, you know, they schismed in 1054. As you will not stop bringing up, the Great Schism 1054. And so this is... So if we were going to place this,

it was between the Great, it's after the Great Schism and it's before the Great Stretching. It is before the Great Stretching. Two Great Stretching. It would say Great Stretching was probably about 2006, 2007. Yeah.

When Blair was sort of ousted. Yes. That's when I started stretching. Yeah. It could have been actually just depression. wait, to be honest, grief. Or were you growing into a stature as a man to fill the power vacuum? Yeah.

I was growing to take on Brown. The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone. No, it doesn't, but I want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do. Good. Well, our podcast can help. It's called American Friction, and it's out every Monday and Friday.

We discuss all the big news from across the pond and explain it all with world-leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen, right now, wherever you get your podcasts, right now. American Friction! Yeah, this is, essentially, this is where his sort of colorful personality, they throw dwarves around a lot, I think. It's quite wolf of Wall Street sort of stuff.

Yeah, it is. And this kind of culminates in, his gap year where he basically just sort of fucks off and goes west. Because he thinks that he spends all his time in the German quarter, he hears all this stuff in Europe, he looks at how mad and backwards Russia is, and he's obsessed with shipbuilding and all the modern technologies, all the mad stuff that's happening in the Netherlands and the UK, Newton, all this sort of stuff, and then decides to fucking go there in disguise, which is like never happened.

and death. No. It's completely insane. So in 1697, age 25, he embarks on what he calls his grand embassy, which is 18 months where he, yeah, he's in disguise, except he still expects people to know who he is, and he gets annoyed if they don't. Right.

But he also can't point out who he is. He adopts the pseudonym Sergeant Peter Mikhailov. Right. Hello, my name Sergeant Peter Mikhailov of the All-Sing, All-Singing, All-Dancing, Sin on the Fools and Jassas. Reporting for attention! That's what they'd say when they come into the pub. Plaint of Mead, yes sir.

There he is. I'll get my round. Here comes trouble. Watch out. Sergeant Peter McAulov's about. Yeah, no. These guys, they're gaming with the Union Jack in the background. He travelled with a massive entourage of 250 people.

That is a big entourage. Yes. And I do want to normalise massive entourages again. You like a mentor. I wouldn't mind like a huge financially draining entourage. It is quite funny. I mean, that's a very, like, just to go back to when we had Bermere and Andrew

and we were talking about the different ways like white spend their money compared to black people entourage is a fair black thing aren't they? Well you have to bring up everyone who you knew

growing up has to come with you But white people are just like fuck it why are you spending your money on that? It's their fault it's their fault they didn't get fuck them yeah

you lean behind fucking pull the ladder up what you're doing yeah what value are they adding to your you know you say that

yeah they're draining your finances but to be fair for self-esteem having a group of people Just constantly, yeah, I mean, just constantly be like falling about, laughing. You've got to feed them. That's why everyone has to a giant spread.

Yeah. I just like moving as a huge entourage where it's just wherever you go, toilets are getting clogged up, you know, spreads are happening. It's just this great heaving. You're taking over like the carriage of a train. And there's one poor old woman. You're like, ah, fuck off. Like off.

So he goes to the Netherlands. Well, first of all, he goes to Riga, which at this point is in the Swedish Empire. and he doesn't get treated that well and it's just worth putting a pin in that but he goes to Netherlands who are at this point Dutch Golden Age

Dutch Golden Age they're painting fruit they're painting a sad Protestant man looking out of window glorious it's an art I can relate to in disguise he works as a common labourer at the Dutch East India Company shipyards

but he's also I just forgot to say he's a very practical man Like he likes his lave. He likes doing stuff. He's clever with his hands, we would say nowadays. And he also gets fascinated with Western science. So he sees how, do you remember when we talked about feudal Japan, we talked about how a Dutch guy went over there and showed them how to like preserve bodies.

This is about the same time. But also what he's doing now is similar to the Japanese before World War II, where they just sent people out on fact-finding missions. Yeah, and just copy all the Scottish whiskey. of it, yeah. So he looks at all the, like, preserved bodies. Yeah. And his passion was so intense.

Supposedly, he kisses the face of a perfectly preserved dead infant. Yes. He's also, which we'll get to, is he builds a museum of, like, fucking dead babies and jars and stuff. Yeah. He's obsessed with the human body and deformity. And, like, he has a skeleton of a giant that you can still see. Is it sort of early phrenology in some ways? Listen, you wouldn't call it.

it phrenology. He wouldn't know what that. He wouldn't know what that word means. But if he discovered a phrenology book, he would read it. This makes so much sense. I feel like this. He's got heads in jars, you know.

Phrenology is a vocabulary that were he alive now, he would understand. For sure. We certainly understand the instinct, the desire. The sort of psychological babblings of early phrenology. This is also interesting is that if any of his companions look squeamish when he was having some fucking dead corpse. whatever, he would then order them to

take a bite. I guess it's sort of like exposure therapy. Yeah. To try and show that there's nothing to be scared of. But it's also a stag do stuff, isn't it? Go on eat that course. There was a guy at our school who ate a fucking dead pigeon once. Which is like a French thing. I don't know why

he did it. We were just going over to the games. Did you take a bite or did he? No, he like fucking, yeah, he like bit the head off and then chewed it a bit and spout it out of like a dead pigeon that he found on the road. That's just standard stuff like. And he was like, We were like, that's, that's, why have you done that? If no one's enjoying it, then it's really sad.

It's just mental. And if there's no peer pressure, that's really bad. That's true. Zero peer pressure. Yeah. Hey, look at this. Fucking hell. He goes to Netherlands.

He goes to England. Yeah. In early 1698, he stays in Greenwich. Yeah. Not far from here. Which I believe, is it in the Shipwright's house in Deptford? Which I recently, because on TikTok, I'm getting loads of like, houses I can't afford.

That's one of my favorite things to do is just look at four million pound country houses or whatever. While we're on this, have you seen the house for sale that's got all the Nazi memorabilia in it in the listing? I've been tagged in this a lot. Yes. Reich move. I mean, that's a great headline. Whoever's doing the headlines for the sun, I just want to say you're still,

you're nailing it. Still mailing it. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Are you nailing it? Up your Junta. I mean, you're absolutely nailing it. Yeah. So if you look at the, um, I can't imagine

why you would put this in the listing. Look, he's got the amount of fucking Nazi swords he's got in there. And that's a gaming chair. I mean, this man surely... That is literally an AI generated patron.

That's how people could see the patron is from there. Yes, exactly. We're looking into a patron list. It feels quite intimate, actually, to be looking at the inner workings of a patron. But you want it furnished.

Is it come furnished? You'd pay that for the Norton Berman. It comes with gun, statues and helmets. Oh, brilliant. Okay. Oh, wonderful. Terrific. Anyway, the English become horrified by the Russian stag do living in Jepford.

And the guy who owns the house, is this where they do like wheelbarrow racing? Yeah. They used like priceless paintings as dartboards. Yeah. It's just standard stuff. Yeah. All singing, all dancing. Riot club sort of stuff.

The bill that they get for property damage is in today's money about three million pounds. Yeah. That's a good night out. His Gapier gets cut short because in 6098, the strip. who had murdered his family are back at it. Those women in Kaftans kick off again, trying to restore the traditional rule. Restore Russia. Restore Russia.

Rupero Lov. And so Peter has to cut his European tour short in order to deal with the Straltze once and for all. He actively gets involved in the killing. And over 1,200 guards are brutally executed in Moscow. He supposedly does it with like fucking an axe. and he just goes berserk on them. Yeah. He wails on that tang.

He chops off heads. He then hangs all the corpses outside the convent windows where his half-sister Sophia is staying. Yeah. This sort of cements his complete authority over Russia. He reversed Taliban, right? It is the reverse Taliban. Yeah.

In that he, everyone in Russia has a beard. And that's a huge part of their masculinity and status. Because all the Orthodox priests have big beards. They all look like pepper grinders or soda streams. Yeah. But he, you know, the German aesthetic is to be clean shaver. And so he thinks beards are a symbol of Russian backwardness. And so he gets a large pair of shears and without warning just starts cutting off his nobles beers.

Which is a bit like those videos where you see people going up behind someone and shaving off their top knot, which I'm a big fan of. Or he's cutting off woman's ponytail. Yeah. Brilliant. Devastate. It's not a crime, but it's... Is it not a crime? It's too much than it.

It's more than a prank. I think it is a crime. Cutting off women's ponytail is a crime. Fucking hell. Yeah. The West has fallen. I can't cut off a woman's ponytail for a laugh. I mean,

what is funny about the ones is how quick it is. And it's the amount of damage. It's like three years worth of her. It's the most efficient. Yeah. Is it? Yes. It's without her consent is a crime.

Yeah. Battery. I'm going down for battery by cutting off a woman's ponytail. My God. The pendulum's strong too far. Yeah, we've gone soft. The pendulum's strong. too far the other way.

We need an... Okay, me too was a necessary over correction, but we've got to find the middle ground. There's seem like there's been a sense of humour failure. Anyway, so he then says that all Russian men, except the clergy, have to shave their faces or

pay a beard tax. I mean... You'd pay a beard tax, probably. I would be... Well, I would fight it. You'd lose all your powers. I need a beard. So you completely relate to this.

Because I guess if, if Peter wanted to humiliate you as a noble, you would just chop your beard because you would lose all authority. You'd see my chin. And I think I'd all have a way. Your voice would be like this. Well, no, my voice wouldn't go up.

The beard doesn't make my voice. But my, you know, my weak chin. And I haven't seen my chin for some time. Sure. I'm hoping that maybe my sessions of Tyreek have... What, you'd come out with a Chad chin? Maybe. Maybe.

Who knows? But it's a bit of a fucking... It's a gamble. It's a gamble. Schrodinger's beard, right? It is. You can say that, but we don't know. I similarly, you know, at the same time,

I have an incredibly at masculine, clavicular jawline and I'm a thumb Gavin Plum you don't know you know is it clavicular or Gavin Plum under there we don't know we don't it's stroding as beard yeah but I yeah I don't know is it body fat I think I think my body fat percentage down I think right because I always want to yeah I get a lot of fat around my face and my neck that's where it goes first it doesn't know it's my batty you know when we come to do Saddam for example I'd love to bring out my Saddam mustache yes it's a it's politically

difficult at home. But I also feel that like if you can't have a fucking tash as a dad then you're never going to have one. Right. Because I think everyone's dad at some point had a mustache. Okay. And so this is the

time to do it. It's the time to do it. Yeah. So meanwhile so he's trying to modernise Russia. He's cutting off everyone's beards. Meanwhile his wife who he fucking hates and fair enough. She's a mantra. Why have you done that? Charlie. Charlie? Charlie. Explain what you've done.

Which is nice. It's a picture of you guys kissing on the same. I sent a profile. Before I'm Richard. Can you look up the legality of doing that in the workplace? I feel like that's a crime. If cutting woman's ponytail off is a crime. Charlie, can you look up the legality of AI and two colleagues kissing?

Big batteries. Big battery. It's big battery. If you're listening, Charlie's just put an AI generated image of us. Yeah. Kissing. Retro warmth and intimacy. You look really happy.

I genuinely think. think that's a crime what you've done there. Look up for that's a crime Charlie it's quite balanced as well there's no clear top of the screen and look up if that's a crime yeah I think it's a crime it's the perfect crime because you're basically you're basically deep faking us this is wrong I don't want to be right we must remember that behind the technology is often an abuser yeah it's sitting behind those fucking computer screens right now is it a crime to make

your boss kiss it's sexual harassment yeah yeah I think you're you've just live sexually harassed us hi am I have to go I think we have to have a conversation If you're desperate, you keep asking, would I get fired? Get rid of it. You'll put it back on the screen. I'm saving that. That's my computer. This is for me.

It's going to affect the chemistry of the podcast. Because now we can't talk about Peter the Great without thinking like we should be kissing. Okay. Now we've seen that's an option. Yeah. We didn't know that was an option. I didn't think that was where this podcast was going. I thought we were going to start talking about the Swedish Empire.

Once you run out of topics though, we've still got one-war two to get through. But now my mouth feels like it could be attached to his. You put that phantom image in my head. Try it. It would actually do an amazing thing for the past. I don't think so. I don't think it would. We've got a deeply conservative.

We have a very socially conservative fan base, okay? Right? When I wore a pink safari suit, many people threatened to cancel their patron. Yeah. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. So, you know, AI images of us kissing.

You've got to be careful with that. But sexual harassment in the way. I think you need to do a workshop. You need to do a course. Yeah. Definitely. So I don't think you understand. I think the women in this company, it's fine.

But I think the way you treat men is unacceptable. Yeah, it is unacceptable. So in 1698, Peter, who it must be stressed, fucking hates his wife. He's like a, yeah, he's like an old Gandhi, basically. Yes, he is. Yeah. And fair enough, because Eudoxia is a munter. Yeah.

He has her drag to a convent. Can we hate muntas? if there's one thing this podcast stands for is that we're anti-Munter okay tough on Muntas tough on the causes of Muntus which is Muntus Mums it's their fault it's never the dad

anyway so Eudoxia is basically sent to a nunnery so he's effectively divorcing it but he doesn't really because he also has a mistress at this point in some German peace I believe when you tot up at the end he might have 360 illegitimate kids I think that's

That's Augustus. Is it? The strong. Yeah. Fair play. Anna Mons. Dog rabbit, please, Charlie.

Anna Mons. It's not being great rabbit so far. No, no, it's tough rabbit. Let's have a look. It's chewy stuff. The rabbits have not been cooked properly in this series. Now, how long Charlie's taking? I know that he's planned something.

Yeah. Better. Still not great. Still sort of. Big nose. Hairlines an issue. He looks like a posh uncle. Yeah.

Looks like a feminine uncle. Yeah. Looks like me. if I shave my beard I am in danger of being a pre-Raphylite nude you know

that's why I'm never saying any nudes because Is that why? Yeah if we lived in a Renaissance time my body would be accepted and I would be worshipped You've become a muse I would be a muse

But we don't live We live in a time of steroids Yeah And you know Six packs Yes they don't celebrate the soft edges. The soft bellies.

And the male curves. Yeah. You know, where are the male curves gone? It's true. Where are the male curved influence? The juicy male ass, the straight man's ass, doesn't get celebrated. It really doesn't. Yeah.

My thick thighs, you know, they are lusted after in the comments. Sure. But I feel the society's telling me to lose weight on my thighs. But I think culturally a man who's got a fucking wagon on him, right? A big batty man, straight man. There's nowhere for him to, it's wasted him having that thing because it's not getting used for anything. There's no practical purpose.

No, I'm not whining pond to cocky. No. You're just fucking... I can't whine pond a mortgage. You're just shitting out that thing and it's a waste. Well, I'm using my arsehole as God intended. Yes, I know, but then you could have... It's not a playground.

You could have... It's not a fucking water slide, like some people in this room. But Charlie doesn't have a big batty. No. You've got a tiny, scrawny ass. So it's... waste you should swap batteries because you're just shitting out that thing. Yeah.

Why did you keep saying like that? Because I know that your approach to it is just I go shit on that fang! You know that when I go to the toilet I turn into a southern black woman. No, you're sort of like muddy waters. Yeah. I'm going to shit on that

thing. Banana da da da. You seen that video the woman sitting on toilet sitting on toilet yeah that's what I do yeah that's sort of my my pool alter ego

anyway look we've got to get to what's happening in Europe at this time Peter the Great fucks his month to wife off he's modernising Russia he's cutting orthodox priests

beards off but meanwhile over the border this is the age of Swedish supremacy yes so this is post 30 years war and one of the great winners of the age was the Swedes,

which is one of the very rare times in human history, apart from the Vikings, where the Swedes are a terrifying military force. They're the most modern, most terrifying force in the whole of Europe. Which you just never learn about this. Because it was short-lived. They basically turned the Baltic into a Swedish lake

because they've got Finland, Estonia, Livonia, which is modern-day Latvia, and northern Germany. So they're basically, the Baltics is all theirs. And they're allied with the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. And Peter, who hates being stuck in Moscow, with great envy at the Baltics. I mean, the Russians, for their whole history,

have been looking for a all-year port. They've got Archangel, but that's only there for like six months. And they are essentially landlocked at this point. And Peter's always been... So the Baltic is their route out. Peter's been on his gap here looking at the shipyards, building ships. He's a boat botherer. He's a real boat botherer.

And so he is looking across at the Swedish Empire thinking, I didn't realize, It's looking at a map, actually where Charlie just was in Finland, Finland and Russia share a lot of the same landmass. I didn't realize that. For some reason, I thought Finland was separate. But at this point, Sweden has a lot of what is now modern day north-western Russia.

Yeah, right. So in 1697, this Swedish empire faces uncertainty when a 15-year-old king called Charles the 12th becomes attention to the throne. Now, as you say, in the 30 years, we've had this guy, Gustavus Adolphus. who's like the great military leader. Charlie, Charlie. Charlie, that's so inappropriate.

What did you do? Charlie, Charlie, get that off. Charlie? I don't like, you'd sort of look more. I don't like I'm going to prank and you look like you're seriously. What did you type in for that prompt? And also is that not, how's that not getting flagged? Make the guy on the right be on all fours and the guy on the left be behind him looking down at him smiling.

So he's managed to work his way through the Playful retro scene Yeah Why is it I mean I look more like a Valdus really I don't know I mean to be fair You're asking for

Yeah I mean you're you think it's a love I'm yeah I'm deadly serious Yeah I'm also throwing it back a lot You're acting like you've got my ass You know But I don't do this

Christ. What on earth has this podcast become? Charlie's just sat there. You can't see him. He's wearing a fucking mesh vest. It looks like you've stolen from a fucking... It's cropped and see-through. Completely pointless.

You've stolen one of the fucking Thai cave boys football. Bibs. Bibs. Right. We need to talk about Charles the 12th and potentially the great figure of the age. We'll see. Yes.

and I'll say that this, what he goes on to do is the long road to Napoleon and Barbarossa and he is, he is the start of ill-fated invasions of Russia. For sure. But it's a fascinating and we're going to get into the Great Northern War an extraordinary story

that I had no idea about. They should make a big film with it, I think. It's amazing stuff, amazing stuff. That's on our next episode which is already on the Patreon where for £3 a month you can join the all-thing, all-dancing, community of Fenbath of History,

Jeff does. and you can order pints of mead and you can live in command centres with Nars and throw dwarves. You can throw dwarves. All this stuff, like-minded people like you. That episode's already there

and on our patron, this bonus, we'll be talking about Stockholm Syndrome, which is an extraordinary story of where that came from. And the story of Patty Hurst, which I had no idea about. Anyway, that's all there.

If not, we'll see you on Thursday for Peter the Great's Great Northern War. Goodbye for now. Goodbye. Thank you.