Fin vs History - The Woman Who Died For A Pair of Trousers | Joan of Arc

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

The story of Joan of Arc - the patron saint of smells, the original Greta Thunberg - begs the question: is it really worth laying down your life for a pair of trousers? Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's Taxes Extra. Welcome back to Finn versus History. As ever, I'm talking. joined by Horatio Gould. It's a women's episode this week. There's going to be a lot of bickering. This podcast has capitulated to the...

Batten collapse. It's a bad and collapse. It's a male badden collapse. We've opened the door to some truly terrifying possibilities. It's Finn versus Herstery. Who will win? Finally. The fight we've all been waiting for, Finn takes on Hirstry.

Her gossipy. Her win. Who knows? We're talking about Joan of Arc today. Christ. Female. I think it's pronounced Jean. John.

John. John Barre. John Daug. I mean a French woman. Christ. This is... How far we fall? This is as far away from where we feel comfortable as you can possibly get.

A double negative. A French woman. Two wrongs don't make a right. I mean, yeah. We've got Dunkirk coming up, which is really for the dads. So... Yeah, don't worry. Don't worry.

This will be a fleeting. this will be a fleeting one part, Joan of Ardard. What is this? This is, I guess it's like when you've been eating terribly for like 10 days and then you smash like a

punnet of blueberries or something just to try and reset the fiber in the stomach. It's going to Pretamonje and it's getting like the tiff in the fucking sloppy sandwich the sauerkraut thing a couple of quassons

and then yeah one pot of mango just to make you feel well I'll eat that first and then I'll just ah. Joan of Arc she is a I mean in our next episode this is one part I should say

one part on Joan of Arc that's all she deserves and then in our next episode we will have a female guest terrifying I say that again for our listeners we will have a female guest steady yourself now

you know pause it take a break reckon with what that will mean I'm terrified make sure you're sitting down please be saying do not listen to that standing up they're not really standing up

no I mean I guess we'll just tear the care home start that there might be a big shock. Please don't hit your carer in anger because there's a woman that the carers are doing their best work. Please do not abuse staff, basically. It's not their fault.

We've got to tell people not to abuse staff. You're fucked. Yeah. Yeah, although I must say, when I get, when I see those pictures or whatever there are placards in railway stations, like, oh, all our staff deserve respect.

They don't. They work in railway stations. See it, slap it. See it, slap it. I think they deserve to be told that they're idiots. They're fat idiots, personally. Do not throw your little chocolate puddings in the little yogurt pot across the room.

Yeah. And just to be clear, in our heads, this is only being listened to by like one flu in the cuckoo's nest level of asylum people. Yeah, there's been a lot of dirty protests. There will be people flinging shit at walls when they see the woman that comes into the studio. That's in our next episode.

It's not a sign of things to come. No, no, no. It's a one-off. It's a one-off. It's a reminder of how good you've got it. Yes, exactly. You need... Sometimes you can only appreciate the country you live in when you go abroad.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone. Paved over paradise. You put up a parking lot. Anyway, that parking lot is already on the Patreon. We will be talking about more medieval women. Now, medieval women, this is sort of female prehistory, I imagine. Yeah, medieval women. When would you say that the story of women, her story, when would you say it begins?

I'd say maybe Margaret Thatcher. Yes, so the late 80s is what I'd say. Thatcher's second term. What was her second term. First term is like, I'm not sure this is a thing. Second term, she's still a bloke. She's got in. Yeah, she's a bloke in a wig.

And it turns out, turns out she's not. She's a woman. So if that's year zero, so really for like for history we go by Christ, spanning sort of 5,000 years. But then female history is by Thatcher. So, yeah, Thatcher. So, BT, A.T. So, Joan of Arc was alive.

Medieval French women, this really. Oh, my God. Medieval French women. This is the downside. This is a way day. It's like a cauldron. Your home fans are right. It's like the new camp.

You can barely see the boys up there. They're up there somewhere. Yeah, this is. We don't know much about Jonah. Do you think it's not taught? Because she's known as that she's one of those famous women in here. not hard tallest

tallest dwarf syndrome straightest man in France I mean Joan of Arc Florence Nightingale

Amelia air crash Amelia Pankhurst Amelia air crash Yeah two Amidias Thatcher Truss That's it really

Trust Those are the seven women Is Merkel gonna get on the list When she dies Merkel Yeah Monal

Monal Monal Angela Moneal Oh Susan Boy Of course Come on Come on I mean yeah

That she really is Remember when we were like She's ugly Oh, wait, she can sing. She's not ugly. Look at that. She looked beautiful there. Well, in medieval times,

she was probably the most attractive thing that people had ever seen. Yeah. And that's something we should remember is that a medi, like we can't really imagine how ugly these women were. An Instagram Discover page

for a medieval man, he would have an aneurysm. Yes. He would basically lobotomizing. He'd kill himself. He'd see just kind of Siddi, Sweeney, Sabrina Carpenter complations on his Instagram

and his brain would melt. I saw a brilliant meme the other day, not to say, like, I'm 50. There was a photo of Sidney Sweeney. Charlie bit my finger. You heard about this thing, Fenton, it's hilarious. No, it was a photo of Sydney Sweeney with her bobs out. Right. Brilliant.

And that's it. I don't know that's a meme, Dad. I loved it. I get what you're on about now with these memes. Very, very funny. That's good. I like that. That's another one.

Anyway, it was, and the text just said, men used to see women that's attractive once in their life, and they'd paint her on the side of a plane, they'd go on carpet bomb. And now we see three women that's attractive getting fucked in a tumble drive before 9 a.m. And you wonder why no one wants to dig a trench anymore. Yeah, it's true. Really good stuff. It's wrapping that up. There's two, there's too many fit women, two available to me.

And I will put my hand up now and say that if my wife were ever to see my Discover page on Instagram, instant divorce. All right. Okay. All of them are AI So I thought None of them are all AI women And I'm liking them I'm liking them

I'm liking their stuff You're commenting I like the Hello beautiful I'm not commenting But I'm liking them You're messaging Hello where are you based

Where are you Are you? Is that Italy That looks gorgeous The most clearly Bonjournal Like the Eiffel Tower AI in the background

It's the Eiffel Tower With a pair of tits in there Bonjour Mademoiselle How tall are you You look tall over there I'm falling to the most insane. It's like Bender from Futurama. Is it

a name Bender? It is Bender? It doesn't feel right. As I said that, I was like, is that? Because he bends girders. Right, okay. It's like Bender from Futurama with tits. And I'm like, oh, she's absolutely stunning. How are they doing this? This magic these magic robots, women. Now, AI women are gorgeous. They really are.

AI milfs is a, I mean, it's just kryptonite to me. I can't deal with it. They've, they've managed to make a sort of realistic. I mean, it's not realistic because obviously, postpartum women don't They're just not as intact as these AI

I could draw a woman on the back of a napkin And it would get you off I'll just quickly go like that And you'd be like, oh, she's gorgeous No, you couldn't, no, no Because you'd draw a horrible little hentai twinkie thing I want a raggedy old mum that's been through the mill What, on AI?

Yes, that's what I like. Are they AI women raggedy old mills? The ones that I get are because it's one of the prompts they're putting into AI and make it a raggedy old mill Look at this AI raggedy old milf Oh I can't cryptaniteite

Look at it Raggedy AI milfs chewed up old milts So I thought everyone's Discover Weekly It's the Discover Weekly Spotify Discover Weekly Everyone's Discover page

Was just I thought it was all warning We've got new music for you Ah How morning is your Discover page On Instagram It's mainly Well there's some like women

With three boobs And then it's sharks and men falling from heights. I don't know what it things are. So mine's the horniest discover page. And I thought it was just agreed that everyone has horny Instagram discover pages. My aunt, I said, can I see yours?

Yeah. Hers. It's just, she's a very sweet English woman, right? Hers is just AI images of squirrels and knitting. That's all it is. Christ. So it may realize, oh, fuck, this is very much. Yeah.

Mine is just, it's AI MILF's and then it's Down syndrome cooking shows. That's what I get. And then my wife has fit men chopping wood, topless in the woods. Yeah, I guess that's fair enough. Yeah, I think that's, you know. That's one all, I reckon. Yeah.

Is there any, um, AI, like, is anyone made on AI ugly, or are they always beautiful? What do you mean? Type in ugly guy on AI? Yeah, have you not seen the, like, the most British, asking AI to make the most British people ever? What a stupid question from a stupid, man. Yeah, there you go, you fucking moron. I've never seen anything like that.

My's always a three, three-titted women. And they're AI or real? They're not real. Right. You had to really think about it. All right. Ten minutes of the Joan of Arc, we've just talked about. Come on, come on.

Hold your nose. Hold your nose. Well, that's exactly true. Because we're talking about a French teenage activist. Yeah. She's like a smellier Greta Thunberg. If you can even imagine such a thing. Yeah.

At some point, it's just smelly, adding smells on top. You can't get smellier. It's like a stink lasagna. You know, she's French, pretty bisexual. He's an activist. Trans. She's trans. Yeah.

We just touched hands there. She's trans And then we power up And we become It'd be funny if I thought Trans people Were two people in one They were like

It's when two people Unite class pan Now we're trans Just two straight guys Straight guys And they just become a woman I don't think this is what trans people And then we touch hands

And we just become a woman We're just Caitlin Jenner This is the long road To Caitlin Jenner We should say This episode of FinnVats history Is sponsored by Surfshark The Premier Provider of VPN

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Or you can just change your IP so it thinks you're in the Bahamas and you can watch it at home. So I still have to stay at home? Yeah. Okay. Well, I use it at VPN. Well, brilliant.

I use a VPN sometimes when I want to watch videos in a foreign country. Well, that's great. Thank you. Because the worst thing about traveling is foreign TV and foreign people

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Can we please get back to some history? Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for, Myopia Control. Learn more at SLR.com and ask your

family eye care professional for SLR Stellis lenses at your child's next visit. We'll do an app on Kate and Jenna because I'm a big fan of Caitlin Jenner. I love Caitlin Jenna. Yeah. She seems like a stand-up Gial. As soon as she went Maga, I was like, you're allergic. She's

against gay marriage. Do you know that? Yeah, hilarious. Beast. She's kept Bruce's opinions. That's what's so funny. That's what's so funny. Is it now it's broken people who are like yeah on one one when everything's on one side and she's playing dodgums she's just fucking running people over

yeah of course it's she's grando photo yeah it is she's played life like a video game she killed a woman yeah she's playing life like a video game yeah I'm a woman yeah no I'm still gonna gay marriage disgusting

it's a sin no it's awful yeah yeah yeah anyway la la la la la hey maybe if I'm a woman I can just decide to drive really badly oh no yeah now people really believe I'm a woman yeah well to be fair

she's she's doubled down hasn't she got if I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this properly so listen Joan of Arc come on Joan of Arc is a teen and not in a fun way

in an annoying way in a really annoying way she's not a horny teen she's maybe the least horny team that's ever been which you say I can't think

apart from Metro I can't think of a least Malala maybe she's barely legal oh my God she's fucking going on a bit isn't she Christ barely fucking interesting

so Joan of fucking boy boring. Joan can't park, whatever you want to call her. Now, she is around in the... Mone of Arc. Mone of art. Mone of can't park. She is in the... She's currently, she's a French saint. Right. But she is, becomes a symbol of France. Right. Because of what she does in her very short life, just 19 years old when she does. Doesn't even see her 20th birthday. Does not see her 20th birthday. So she is around during the 100 years war. Now, this is more your, you're, ballpark than mine. What's going on with a hundred years? Well, it was a war that

was around 100 years. Actually more than 100 years. Yeah. It went on for ages. It's between France and England, it's a sort of there's a lot of just Game of Thrones, dynastic clashes. Something that I didn't really realise is that there was like broken up within France was the Burgundians. Yes. So I think that's

imagined Burgundy. So France wasn't what it was today. There was like a big section of it that was also allied with English at some point. But there's loads going on. Basically France is the biggest country in Europe, the most powerful country in Europe but because of mismanagement and infighting, it's quite vulnerable. And then

England who are like a strappy upstart just keep coming and raiding the hundred, uh, France and they have huge victories like the Battle of Cressy, Battle of Agincourt because we've got longbows which no one else in the world has and so we're beating the French with

way less men and we're kind of dominating but it is like an FAA cup upset us beating France because they are actually a lot more powerful, a lot richer. I think their population is six times, that of England. And Paris at this point is... What is that? Like a hole in the ground? Like...

An Indian toilet? It's the... Well, it is an Indian toilet. Right. But it's the biggest city outside of Constantinople. All right. You're going to actually say something sincere about Paris. I'm sorry. No, the country, obviously, the country's a toilet. Right. Paris is a potty? It's a potty. It's a potty. The country

has not been unified... It's very posh when you said that. Yeah. Paris is a potty? Do you have a potty, Charlie? I have had a couple, yeah. Are you potty trained? I peed the bed until I was like 15. That makes so much sense. I was Googling like, what happens if this happens forever?

What happens if I never stop? What happens? You just have to kind of, I guess, come clean and I hope you find someone. Come clean. You've got another problem if you're coming clean. But I would pee through my mattress and it would go on my homework and I had to hand it in. You put your homework under your mattress? Where's your homework?

Under my bed. I was on the bunk bed. So if you, if you, it rained down below my mattress onto my homework and I'd have to hand it in. and when I went for sleepovers at friends hours I wouldn't drink for the other three hours before bed I was so thirsty but if I peed then I you know Yeah it's a tough one to bed waiting

It's very humiliating You can't do anything about it I had to wear a naping my mom got me like At like kind of teen nappies And again again not on a good way These aren't fun teen nappies They're sort of retarded They're bad nappies

What's the branding on teen nappies They're trying to make a cool Like a little kind of brock on time Someone's throwing the horns It's a lot of those people hanging out Smoking Going to the toilets for losers E-e-e-hee

Yeah Less time in the toilet More time to rock out Woo Did they have an electric guitar on it It's just like It's like Yeah it's rock and roll

I don't need to party Slash nappies But there's nothing you could do About bedwetting is there No you just have to starve No the really There really is What stop pisses

Yeah I mean we've just done it With our four-year-old It took her three weeks and she's cracked it. What, already? That hurts his feelings. Yeah. Potty by the bed. That's what you need.

Potty by the bed. And we give her a marshmallow in the morning if she doesn't piss herself. Yeah, but you're not doing it as a protest, are you? No, I'm doing it because I can't not do it. It's not because of the Iraq War, was it? No. No. I will not stop pissing until Blair was draws from Basra.

Yeah, no, I was desperately trying to stop pissing, but I just couldn't stop for years. He loved it. I loved it. I bet you're pissing like this. You're asleep with your... So... Yeah, go on. But, no, enough fun.

Come on. So the 100 years war, we're dominating. Can I put your shorts on, please? Sorry? Can I put your shorts on? Yes, you can put my shorts on. Should we break while he does this?

Christ. So there's been a crisis of succession in France, and this is where... They keep getting down to the people on the throne, I think. Yes, they do. End of the 14th century. which was not that long ago French

because Normans took over 300 years ago Normans took over is not bloody Norman's here again So Edward whoever said He claims that maybe The France should be English

Hey I like to look at that toilet Can that be ours? But before the Hundred Years' War The idea of France and the idea of England They're not really formed as nations It's this war that forms The kind of modern idea of nations So that's why there's so much

they came over to England took it over a lot of the Norman nobles have claims to the French throne so it's a bit more everyone's just claiming thrones and it breaks into these sort of you have the Armoniacs the Armaniacs who are

vaguely kind of in the south of France then you've got the Burgundians who control mainly the north and the English have allied with the Burgundians against the Armaniacs and the Arminiaks king is at the time of Joan of Arc or just before is

Charles the 6th who is fucking retarded. Right. So Charles the 6th who reigned. We got a retarded Charles. We do have it. This is Charles, yeah. Charles the 20th, 250th. So Charles the 6th range from 1380s of 1422.

Yeah. He's known as Charles the Mad. Suffers recurrent psychotic episodes. And the symptoms include, firstly, he believed he was made of glass. Fair enough. Entire of glass. So he couldn't sit down. Because he'll like I'll smash.

Get a photo of him up. That's tricky when that's the commander in chief. Yeah, exactly. Whatever he says goes. He looks mad. Yeah. He doesn't recognize his wife and kids. He comes home and he's just like, who are you?

We've all tried it. We've all tried it. But you didn't commit enough to the bit. Who are you? You know where we are, dad, fine. Fair enough. Call my bluff. Don't hug me.

I'm made of class. He would have these kind of fugue states. What's a fugue state? it's you know sometimes I'm talking on this podcast and you're just kind of like it's like that I think Hawking's in a fugue state

right right right no that's a vegetative state yeah a fugue state that implies that that's just sort of like Fugue state's on the way to vegetables it's on the way to vegetative okay I find that quite hard to say vegetative fugitive state is a rare

psychiatric condition characterized by sudden unexpected travel amnesia no I think you suddenly travel you suddenly go no it's not it's not that it's not teleportation you suddenly travel fuck off

you're just still and then suddenly you travel Charles of six was on the throne and then suddenly just disappear and be in Norway that's not what happened

you're fucking idiot I missed out a comma amnesia for personal identity in past events and potentially the assumption of a new identity he doesn't really know who he is a few state I guess is like

a sort of we call it a mental breakdown or maybe mulberry what's the name schizophrenia Yeah. Anyway, he's fucking headcase.

Mad is a box of frogs. So the fact that he's a complete madman, power shifts to these competing noble factions is a story of Alder's time. And the Burgundians ally with the English, who Henry V has said that he's the right for Lear to France and that Henry the 6th, who's a boy at this point, a beautiful young, sweet, tender boy.

And the Armaniacs are backing the dauphin, who is the... Henry V's, the Agincourt king. Yeah, yeah. So the dauphin are the family that are the Arminiaks and Charles of Sixth is a dophan. Anyway, Charles the 6th and Henry the 5th. He's the Dofam, the French king?

He's the family. It's like the Winsers, I think. Fine. And then is that, do they have anything to do with dof and wild potatoes? They inevitably will. Fine. I'm sure. Yeah.

So the main problem arises when Henry the 5th and Charles the 6th, the mad cunt, die quite suddenly young. Two weeks apart. And so now there's a crisis of succession. Yeah. Let's get to Joan of Boring's life. But set in the scene just before she's born. I guess it's, yeah, about the time she comes of age, becomes legal. Yes.

France are completely on their knees. They're getting fucked. Yeah. England are running, have for 20 years owned huge ways of the front. Yeah. This is my glory days. This is, to me, I look at this more than the British Empire map. Really?

This brief moment where we owned half of, this feels better than all of the British Empire. This feels more personal. Yeah, this is good stuff right here. Look at that. Imagine having a huge chunk of that. but it's a toilet so France from the back foot

and then we should probably place this we should place this now from the birth I guess from the birth yeah should do the birth of Joan of

1412 Joan of Arc is born so to place that for you this is after Genghis Khan yes

it is Genghis Khan was in the 13th century yes although who knows no yeah they're Mongols so it's after

Genghis that? Well, no, that's their politically correct term. Fat Mongols. They were fat, yeah, violent Mongols. After Genghis Khan, but before... Go on. Just go for it. Before Cool Runnings. Yeah.

So the idea of, you know, if Joan of Arc had seen cool running, she'd have been like, firstly, what's that? Yeah. And what are they? Who are they? Because she would never have seen a black person, and she'd probably never seen a bobsled. Yeah. How long before she develops racism?

Because you should have to learn it all very quickly. Well, this is pre-racism, really, which is why I'm not interested in it. You know, for me, really... This is BR before racism. Yes, that's how, again... BSR before scientific racism. That's what you're like.

You're a scientist. As I've said before, I'm an amateur phrenologist. You've got to put that in your bio. It will be my Instagram bio, amateur phonologist. Professional comedian, amateur phrenologist. Brackets. Heil Hitler. So those are my pronouns.

That's the funniest set of brackets you could possibly do. Brackets Hale comma Hitler. Such a fucking heavy brackets to use. Yeah, it is. Just the throwaway thing. Brackett's Hale, Hitler. It's Hile Taylor, actually. Yeah. Hale.

Hale. Hale. It's not he. It's Hile. He slash Hile. Did you see Hitler at the weekend? Yes. Thank you.

Yeah. I feel seen. There's the one thing I don't get about gender neutral pronouns is that you're only One thing you don't get? Yeah, there is one thing I don't get about it. Is that the only thing you don't get? Yes. No, about gender neutral pronouns is that it's, you're always in, it's in a third person.

Finn Dealer. If you want. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's more that I want. It's like you're only ever talking about someone when they're not there with those pronouns. So, so they're not there. So they don't know that you're using the wrong pronouns. Because if you're talking about.

But you were saying, like, if you chop a tree in the forest and no one hears it. Well, slightly, yeah. Because I remember having a conversation, someone. If you misgender a trans person and they're not there to get offended, did it really? Well, these people weren't trans. This person wasn't trans. I had a conversation where... Pronouns, I guess.

Where are them or a guy or whatever, whatever they want to say. A guy, probably. Probably, it was a guy. When he went, we were chatting, by the way, what your pronouns? And I went, well, he, him. In my head, I'm thinking, I don't fucking, that's the first time I've ever thought about that. And then he's like, oh, I'm they there. And I'm like, okay, but I'm talking to you.

You? Do you use you? And he's like, yeah. I'm like, well, then this is not a problem, is it? Because you could leave and then you, it doesn't matter what I say. Yeah. Because actually what I might call you is cunt, cunt. So it's only if you can't control what other people say about you when you're not there.

What about if you're writing like a journalistic article about meeting them? Would that change things? Probably because that's. Then you have to, because they could read it. Right, okay. But that's why I'm always like, well, we have you, you're here. I'm not, I'm not, he, him and you. They?

Yeah, you don't. Exactly, who's doing that? What if they can slightly overhear you when you're, um. Well, then you've got to whisper quieter. Yeah, that's a good point. Anyway. I'm it. You're here.

I'm it. It. It. It slash what? Head slash case. Anyway. Anyway, Joan of our, is born in 1412

and she's born into a peasant family in Dom Remy which is a village They keep adding smellier and smellier things medieval woman lesbian peasant French And you know

Her early life is unremarkable arguably her whole life is But At age 13 And again this is not a fun teen story Not like the teen stories Our viewers will be familiar with yeah she begins seeing visions and uh you know what she claims there to be saints religious visions

michael the archangel katherine of alexandria margaret of antioch do remember antioch from the crusade series yeah again who gives a shit right yeah but what i find funny is to basically probably what she is having is a migraine but because obviously they're thick and it's religious times it's religious times so if you like have a sensitivity to light and you're like ah you must think oh in god is that's god well if you don't if you don't believe in the Christian god then what the fuck are these what do you mean what are these if you don't believe that God exists yeah then how would you interpret these visions well they're they must be mad yeah yeah yeah she's a nutcase she's having a migraine so really this story could

have just be much quicker if she just popped a panadol and got oh yeah but i guess that's the miracles of modern medicine yeah so this is pre-panadol you should say it's before parisessimal Fort Anadine. So she claims, age 13, that these visions she had told her to drive out the English from France and crown Charles the 7th in Rheim. So she's the original Greta Thunberg? She is the original Greta Thunberg. Yeah.

Yes. She's sort of seen as like a woke icon, but her thing is just restoring a French guy to the throne. Yeah. That was like a progressive thing to do back then. Yes. So in 4028, when she is what, 17? Right. 16.

16. This is sort of a coming of age film. Super Sweet 16. Probably one of the worst Super 16th has ever been. So with the help of local supporters, Joan convinces Robert de Baudricor to grant her an escort

to see the Dofan, Charles 7th, at his court. And this is the key... How did she get that? That's pretty hard to get. Is it just from her having visions and her. I think she basically was just so fucking annoying

over and over again that eventually some guy was like, all right, I'll take it to see the king, Christ. Well, that's sort of all you, the only levers

you really had as a woman were being annoying. Like you weren't going to beat the shit out of anyone. So all you had was the... Well, because you didn't have any rights. Yeah.

What other levers do you really have apart from being annoying? Right, I see. So, um, this is the key thing. She dresses as a man.

Right. She cuts her hair and she puts on chain mail or whatever armor. Yeah. And she tries, travels to Shino. She's a drag king.

She's a drag king. She's a drag king. Yeah. Slay. Yeah. It's Jane on. Yeah. So she dresses as a man,

which we need to put a pin in. Obviously, this is the first. And I listen to a very, very, very bad podcast series about Joan of Art. Every single one I listen to has been pretty poor.

It's all been rubbish. Dross. Very smug all the Joan of Art Poddle. So smug. And one of them started going on this tangent about how she's like a non-binary icon. And you're like,

they didn't even fucking know what? She would have burnt you at stake if she got the choice. She would have had a vision and said, can we please burn those non-binary annoying. Yeah, exactly. She didn't know what the fuck was going on. They didn't even know what a man and a woman was. Yeah. They just knew we're not pigs.

That's all they knew. She's not a non-binary icon. She's not a non-binary icon. She's just cut her hair. Yeah. Anyway, so Joan goes to meet Charles the 7th at Janan. Joan. Are they calling her Joan back in, what a... They're saying Jean. Jean. Jean. Oh, Jean. Jean. Jean.

Jean. John. John. We're the one that got... Joan. Joan of Fark. What is Arc, by the way? Why is it Arc? I don't know.

I didn't come up anywhere in my research. I don't really do much research. It was very boring. I do it. I really tried. Yeah. Viewers, I tried. What's Arc?

Charlie, if you just Google what's Arc. What's Joan of Arc? Why Joan of Arc? Because there's an English translation of us. Oh, so her name was Jeanne d'Arc. Oh, right. So it's just a mistranslation for the English. Right.

Brilliant. So she goes to Charles 7th at Shino, Jainan. And she identified, so this is, apparently, the king was hiding. Is he mental at this point? Is this the mental one? This is the mental one. He hides and disguises himself with all the other nobles. They've heard that this, this mad woman, this is saying she's got a vision.

Yeah. So they send forward to someone who looks like the king. Yeah. They send forward to someone who looks like a peasant. And she keeps him. I think you should say he's not in this room. Maybe. And then he comes in and she's like, that's him.

That's him. So I don't know what's going on there. No, because presumably she's seen a picture. Right. And so everyone's like, wow, anyway. Yeah. And then, now this bit I don't understand. And Charlie, I'll warn you now.

I'm going to need you to Google this. So just remember, I'm going to talk, and it's not your thoughts. It's me saying stuff to you. Church scholars at Poitier examine her theology and character and find no fault. Now, what is a church examination of someone, a medieval? Like, what's a medieval church interrogation? Fingering. I don't think she's being finger-bangs.

No. Because a huge part of her thing is that she's a virgin. That's a big part of the thing. That's the big, like, it does feel like in the middle ages, if you're a virgin, it's like, it's like you, everyone's a vampire and you've got garlic. Everyone's like, she's a virgin. No, but also they like virgins, but not in the... But it's like you're powerful as a virgin. I see what you mean, yeah.

You know. Medieval times, the church examined people through its own court system, primarily for moral offences and cases involving the clergy. Yeah, but this is the point where. the church is so linked to the state that they've chopped they've drop kicked the bible out the window and it's literally like how do we justify whatever we want to do yeah all this stuff's irrelevant basically it's just finding ways to know because actually if you look at this bit and da da da da da but anyway she she passes that test they'd probably like fucking hell you're dull so you're probably fine and then um charles charles the seventh gives in gives her some armor a banner and a command post

which again probably for a laugh the problem with this story is that there's just points where there's these massive leaps that are taken and you're like, why the fuck have you done that? Yeah. That doesn't make any sense to me. I guess there's a lot that we don't know because we're only judging off like the trials and stuff like that. I know, but it's

just fun. I can't think of another historical figure who's so like embedded in everyone's common memory. Yeah. Everyone knows, has heard at least the name Jonah Bach. Yeah. And yet when you research, it's very little there. It's completely like, man. I was surprised. I thought I'd learn more.

Yawning, yawning, as he said it. Yawning on a podcast. Yeah, it's incredibly boring. That's so disrespectful. Right, come on, come on. Let's get through it. So rude. So rude.

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See Golden Nuggett Casino.com for details. Please play responsibly. The conjuring left rights. On September 5th. I come down here with you. Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray! The Conjuring Last Rites, only in theatre, September 5th. So, Joan, now, there's been a big siege going on in Orleans. Old Orleans. The original Orleans. It's not a fun place.

There's not a big, big tuba there. It's not. The French Quarter's less fun when it's the whole city. And it's been under an English siege since October 1428. So for about, what, eight months or something? I think this is the most northern most stronghold of the French holding out. Basically, if they're holding out at Orleans and they're, if it goes, if the English sees that. It's another massive chunk.

They're fucked because then they've got a free run into the Loire Valley. Which is where the wine? Some nice wine in the while, yeah. So it is kind of a, it's more central, I think. Yeah. But basically it would open up all of France quite easily. They're really up against it. Three nil down at half time.

Yeah, but it's Istanbul. It's Istanbul stuff. And then... Yeah, she's... Her story is Raffa Benitez half-time team talk. Yeah, Stephen Gerrard. She is Raffa Benitez.

I guess this is... The whole story is that this is a half-time team talk. Yeah, it really is. And then she couldn't do it again, and then she got burned. Got sacked. That's basically what this is. Yeah, well, it would be like,

who won the championship with Chelsea that first year? Oh, reverse DiMeteo? Yeah. It was like DeMateo. Yeah. Can you do it again? Fired three months into the next season.

Can't even... can't even make the top four. You're getting Mottie up. Mottie doesn't do chankies. Joan Motson. Joan of Motson. So, Joan arrives in Orleans

on April the 29th, 1429. Yeah. And this is, again, huge leap in the story. Bear in mind, she's not trained. She's a woman with a man's haircut. She's a teenager with a man's haircut.

She's a woman wearing trousers, which is genuinely very radical because no woman wears trousers these days. is genuinely very shocking. So the troops that have been fighting the English holding it out and the water's running out

blah blah blah it's a horrible medieval siege give us a flavour of medieval siege you like all this sort of stuff what's going on? How does it smell? It smells awful I mean the main thing

that's siege is it takes forever and you're basically starving them out right? So a lot of the time it is just like a really dull day of test cricket right but instead you're starving with no lunch. Oh no okay that is terrible

what test cricket with no crisps that's awful. so she's waiting that they're waiting for something to happen she turns up and again i don't understand this she's got no weapons she's got no training she's an annoying woman wearing trousers with a bob and somehow all the all the french troops are like well let's brilliant let's fuck up the english yeah so she's not doing any tactical stuff she doesn't even have a sword she holds a banner what of christ and then another one of the fleur de lee but why Why, because we remember we did the crusade story about Peter Bartholone and Antioch.

He had those visions and he, then it galvanized was so much that they broke out the siege. Yes. And then he was like, I'm going to do even more stuff. Lay the fire out for me. Look at this. It burns alive immediately. Yes, yes, yes. It's similar, it's similar,ish, because specifically in Jones' vision is that the rightful air, the French throne, is the dofons.

And also the idea of France as a nation. she really crystallised it she really believes in France as a nation right even if she hates the Burgundians but is that well then that she doesn't then does she yeah I guess because that's obviously come later but the idea the idea which would have a continuity with the modern idea

of France I think she really crystallised it with one her vision we should just join together in one horrendous toilet yeah she envisioned the toilet I can see it's not a load of urinals no it's one massive bowl filled with shit which we will spread

onto Melbourne toast and eat and we won't work at all and the women will have armpit hair that will be the envy of the world she's like oh oh oh oh oh it's like the Martin Luther King I have a dream I have a smell speech I have a dream that we will never use the odd one in our lives

I smell a poo speech I smell of shit I have a dream that one day we would have fucking 50 weeks off a year and my stinky kids I have a dream that if they make us work one more week than two weeks a year we will burn down

every single municipal building stanky kids and stanky boys also the novelty of a fucking a brassy woman doing this well she's not brassy she's a little teen no that's pretty fucking brassy the ball's on her no but brassy's the wrong word

what is it Shirley Bassie's Brassy's Brassy Shirty Uppity Uppity She's Uppery But I mean it's so unusual. I mean, it's never, literally pretty much never happened before.

Having this, the confidence that she has as a woman saying that I'm a vessel of God. Yeah. That imagery, I think, is very inspiring as well because it's like, fuck it out, she, this is mad that we never have this. So what's, but this is the, this is the miracle of Aureon. Right. She turns up and somehow she motivates a

sort of fairly depleted French force to break the siege and push the English back. Tony Robbins released the giant within. Yeah, but it's like, it's like a life coach. Yeah, it's a half-time team. talk but again we don't know why or how I mean imagine being a French male soldier right and then a woman

with trousers and short hair comes up who's like 18 imagine Greta Thunberg coming up to like a special you know yeah special operations and being like you have stolen we have stolen our future blah it is that and you just be like who the fuck are you

wouldn't you you be like fuck off sort of but you are also French medieval and thick so I guess so I don't think you're thinking that much. I just can't imagine it. Yeah. Well, what would you be saying if she did that? Who the fuck of you? Go away. Can someone's... Sorry,

someone's... Who's this? Who's this? Sorry, security. Who is this? That's what I'd say. Can you not bring your... I thought we agreed no girlfriend's to that tonight. This is a war. Fucking Greta Thunberg's just coming. Who's that? This is a fucking active war zone. It's like when she got on the boat, I went to Israel and just immediately went, well, fuck off. This is a war zone.

And she's like, oh, all right. What do you think was? going to happen? It's a fucking war zone. Yeah. Women are paying four thousand hours of release their anger. Rage ritual retreat and the founder's name is Mia and she describes herself as a spiritual fairy godmother and is known online

as Mia Magic. You're going to need big six. Right now I feel angry. Right now I feel frustrated at everything. Whatever you're feeling, let it out. I mean female, I will say that female emotion outside the domestic environment is absolutely terrifying. Yeah. On tethered female emotion Yeah. Away from the kitchen is

terrifying. Yeah. Burn it at the stake? I think so. No, you understand. Yeah. Is that the bit of the story that makes the most sense to you? It's the only bit of the story that makes sense. Because I think they had several opportunities to burn her at the stake. Yeah. Firstly, you're in a war zone. What's you doing here? Go away. Secondly, when she's like just sort of bobbing about the... I guess a lot of it as well is how much the French have been fucked by the English for so long that they're like, they are literally out of ideas. They got nothing... They're throwing the kitchen sink.

Yeah. They're throwing the kitchen wenchard. They're throwing the woman that's at the kitchen sink at the English. So blah, blah, blah.

Right, she captures... So inspires them to... Yeah, well, she gets... She gets an arrow in the thigh, wounded by an arrow, but returns. And this is, everyone's like, oh, maybe she is sent from God.

So the whole thing is that she's on a mission from God, not in a fun, Blues Brothers way. It's a very boring, God-bothering way. And it apparently inspires everyone. But again, I just cannot imagine it because she's a...

fucking 15-year-old, girl with boy's hair. Yeah. Anyway, having defeated the English, she then clears a path. Gets greedy. She gets greedy. This is where she goes, yeah, she goes for it. Another helping at the buffet.

I don't think you need that. No, no, come on. So then she, in her visions, in her migraines, to call her, give him the proper name, she has seen that Charles the 7th will be coronated at RIM. RIM. How would you say it, Charlie? RIM.

Rame. but again this is in territory that is so she clears a path she has all these successes paté blah blah blah other I don't care I don't care but she anyway

she gets she gets to REM which is the traditional coronation site for French King so I guess this is the very very bottom of the toilet it's the holiest place in french is that is that the just before it disappears is that it's before it go yeah it's the it's the it's the it's the it's the is that yeah the pipe right oh okay fine before it goes out of the house okay right so it's the u-bend of i guess so yeah

like where does where is uh you know if there's a poo if there's a poo stuck in the loo but you can't see it like worse nightmare like if it's a blockage but it's right at the the u-bend where it kinks yeah and there's just a pooh smell on your house and you can't like yeah that's a nightmare isn't it so what is this the poo stuck in the u-bend yeah and that's where jolly art comes that's the most sacred place in france okay yeah so um she caught the the charles seventh is crowned on july the uh 17th 1429 and um and um and pointed with olive oil, olive oil, probably. And Joan stands beside him holding her banner,

and she begins referring to him as the King of France by the will of God. Right. And obviously, I suppose to give her some credit, her dream has come true. So I guess maybe she's full of herself now. Yeah. Yeah, she's getting cocky. She's getting cocky. And she gets punished for it.

Yes, quite rightly. Because basically after that... It's more like UK, you're right once, but don't get... Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Got a couple of questions writing the pub quiz. Okay, it's pissing off all the guys who thought they knew the topic. and now it's like, don't get cocky.

All right, love. All right, all right. This is a football question. When Love Island's back on, you can trip in. Now, that's kind of the peak of Joan of Arc's story, really. This is the peak of a success. Yeah. Is that she realized that she sees a vision,

fights, somehow persuades a group of fucking medieval soldiers. Yeah. Some of the thickest, ugliest, nastiest cunts probably ever lived. Stinkiest, yeah. Smelliest. And she goes in there and somehow inspires them. Right. Anyway, I just don't understand it.

Women can smell as bad as men. Women can smell as bad as men. So she tries to recapture Paris in sort of the autumn of 1429. Because we got Paris after Agincourt. Imagine that. Yeah. English Paris. It's like you'd have your Hitler moments before the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah. But Henry V walking around Paris. Yeah. He had a hitler moment. He did. It just, Paris was not. But he's probably thinking, I just, fuck, I don't want this. Yeah.

I don't want this. Who wants this? It'd be nice to, it'd be not, I'd like Paris more if we'd sort of, you know, if we made it like Letchworth Garden City or something. Letchworth? Letchworth Garden City. What's that? Letchworth Garden City.

Don't know that. Oh, it's a shining beacon on the hill of 60s suburbia. Can we see Letchworth Garden City, please? It's a lovely. So would you build those Paris and rebuild it as a... I build it as a new town. Like a Milton Keynes, sort of. Maybe not as new as Milton Keynes, but maybe, yeah, Hartford.

Planned City? Yeah, Planned City. The town is called Letchworth Garden City Or is that a garden centre in Letchworth? No, it's called Lechworth. Garden City. I think I'll be more up for going to a garden centre if it was called Garden City.

It's not a garden centre, it's a city. It's a town. Oh, right. But no, he's saying if it was a gut, called a Garden Centre. Like, Garden City is quite a, like, I'd be up for going there. Rather than, like, let's go to the Garden Centre. Let's go to Garden City.

Yeah. Get a fucking tree. Should we go back to the... Should we probably go back to Joan of Art. But anyway, so she tries to recapture Paris from English, but fails, I guess, because she's got no military training. So would you say that Recatch in Paris

is that banging on the toilet door, saying how much longer are you going to be in there? Probably, and England's like, England's just doing big, big poos. Fuck off, love. Come on. Fuck off, love. This is my private time.

You know, you'd say poo-y, that stinks. Is that because poo-y is poo-y? What else would it be? Complete coincidence. Yeah. Yeah. So what would Poo-E mean if it wasn't an individual?

No, I've literally just known. Have you known that all your lives? I'd say that I'm a linguistics guy. I'm an entomologist. No, but as in, I know that the word Poo-E is a derivative of the word Poo. But then again, Charlie, I studied... Your derivative of Poo. I studied Latin, so there's no way that you would know that.

Well, I knew it's melt, but I didn't know that was the kind of origins, the conjugation. It's amazing that you know the word conjugation, and yet you struggled... yeah with the what poo it's like Swiss cheese your knowledge it's just there's holes everywhere pooey pooey that smells fucking pooey well yeah I mean this is this is some of the conversations that go around with the English in Paris yeah sorry if you've just if you tune out for a minute there Charlie was just giving up one of those historical reenactments of an English person walking around the streets of medieval Paris you know how some history podcasts they they really transport you back with

sound design yeah And there's a bit of script. We should have said, we should have said, horse on cobblestones. We should have said that that was part of a soundscape. We were crazy. Pooey. It smells in here.

God, this is such a boring city. Most romantic city of the planet. My ass, it stinks of shit around here. How many times you've been to Paris? Oh, too many. I don't know. Do you hate you that every time you've been? Do you genuinely look like it to go to Paris?

Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it. I wish the Euristar went to a better city. Really? main thing. So, because you called Spain a toilet. You've called France toilet. No, no, no.

So you like Italy. No, no. Spain is in the toilet. Right. Currently. Modern day Spain is in the toilet. But it could clamber out. France is a toilet.

France's essence is toilet. Spain just happens to be in the toilet. At the moment, yeah. France, you can't. Even the best it could ever be is a very good toilet. You can't take a toilet out of the toilet. Exactly. It's the toilet.

Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. Joan doesn't fucking, I don't know. So then it ends pretty quickly because, I mean, it all happened in her life.

I mean, is it over like two years, all this? Yeah, genuinely it is. She doesn't even get her 20th year. It's less than two years that we're talking about here. Flash in the Pan. It is a flash on the pan. Yeah. And yet, for some reason,

she's a historical figure. It's a shit in the loo. It's literally a poo in the loo. We may as well have done an hour's episode on the shit I did this morning. which I've done about as much for my idea by itself as fucking Joan of argument for anything it lasted as long

yeah and I don't understand why she celebrated at no point could I ever crack any of the podcast to try and you know after her she's wanging on about how she's a non-binary hero yeah or whatever she cut her hair so she then gets cocky goes for more get captured at Compuil

And she goes for more Despite the orders of Charles The Seventh Who's like stop Yeah stop love Joan is captured by the Burgundians The Burgundians She actually hates more than the English

Apparently Yeah She has then sold to the English For 10,000 Livyars Livre Which is a lot of money back then The reason why The English spent so much money on her

Which has lots of money at the time Is because they didn't want to become martyr She was obviously a massive symbol For the French They couldn't just kill her and make her a martyr So they staged a religious heresy trial At Rouen, supervised by Bishop Pierre Cashon She interrogated for months

Chargers include heresy, cross-stressing This is actually the main, this is the main charge Yeah, the trousers is a big thing This is the first trans hysteria Yeah, yeah, yeah, bloody hell At our schools they're saying women are men, men are women This is the first Because Harry Stiles wearing a skirt

Yeah, because France is a toilet, this is the first instance of a trans person going into the wrong toilet. So... And claim divine revolution, found guilty and... And because I guess at this point, if you're having visions,

you're either very holy or the devil. Yeah. And this is probably just on the cusp of witch trials starting, isn't it? Yeah, and she answers pretty well, because it takes months for them to, like, crack her, and she answers, they keep getting her to try and slip up

and answer wrong. but she's very like cool calm and collected in the trial and they just can't get her you're a wait she says what hello ah she's good she's good she's good she's good she's good to be fair to her he's good I don't know why hello it was the first thing I thought of hello but anyway but they said they the compromise they agreed was that she was going to stop wearing trousers right and then they come back to the cell like a week later she's having gone and fucking wearing trousers again Christ. The reason why she is wearing trousers genuinely

is because she doesn't want to get raped to be fair to her. Don't roll your eyes at that. Because if soon, obviously they're all gunning. They're all gunning to... That's so funny. To do that,

I don't want to get raped. But I guess that is... Take a day off, love. It's sort of like... pull the other one keep it light it was just a joke all right

I mean she kind of yeah she almost definitely got sexually assaulted to fuck yeah but if she's if she's raped and no longer a virgin

she loses all her powers is that is that yeah because the whole a huge part of because we have a lot of virgins listen they don't have powers no

well they wear wizard hats right you know they think they have powers some of these are guys like level 95 majors on modern war crime It's like a little 90 warlock.

What are you talking about? I have powers. I've got power with that, John. Weirdly, if they had sex, they'd lose all those powers. Funny that. So,

John Mark, all of her powers come from being a virgin. Right. Yeah, it's kind of an inverse, isn't it? Yeah, it's an inverse.

But it's also, I guess, kind of interesting that, you know, female clothing makes it easier to get raped. If you wear trousers, you are protecting yourself.

Wow, that's a big, fucking talk about victim blaming. It's the opposite. It's the opposite. That's too easy to rape, actually. So we have to rape you. I'm saying that they've been designed by men

to make it easier to rape because that's why they don't want women wearing trousers. I don't think we have male fashion designers at this point. No, but why women aren't allowed to wear trousers part of it is it gives you power to wear trousers because you can't be, have your entire life and reputation ruined by a rape. Are you saying there's a law against women wearing trousers?

There is a law against this whole thing. She gets burnt at the stake for wearing trousers. Trousers. Well, too right. A woman can't be wearing trousers. But she won't take her trousers off. Right. Which is fair enough because there's 100,000 men waiting to sexually assault her.

Yeah. And then because of that, they're like, well, that is, that's unholy. That's not what women should be doing. She'll probably pooed her pants. Oh, embarrassed. Well, if you're not taking her trousers off for eight months, it's probably pooed her pants. Yeah. which obviously is a huge sign of respect

in French culture so if you're having a business meeting it's like a Japanese tease her thing yeah what is it in a Chinese banking meeting you have to

you can't do any business before you've eaten yeah yeah in France you can't do any business before shat yourself oh anyway so she's put

so come on get to the good bit so she's tried for being a trous for wearing trouser for wearing trousers and found guilty burned the steak

dies from smoking inhalation. Is that why she dies or she died from just hot hot flames? Apparently it's the smoke kills her first. Really? That's one of the most annoying hum-actuallys that you could ever... Really? Well, actually... Actually, she probably died from smoke inhalation. Her last

words before execution were Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, what, love? Fuck, Jesus fucking Christ is hot. Oh, God! Ouch! Ouch! Oh my hell that's hot Oh my hell that's hot Hold the cross high So I may see it through the flames

So this is on May the 30th 1431 she dies age 19 So you know This is this is 18 This is a crazy 18 months Isn't it really It's what we're talking about We talk about

What I will say That obviously this is seen As quite a tragic end for Joan of Arc But in some ways If you think about it The real privilege that men get Historically Is they get to die for a cause

That's why we still talk about them Yes That's why most people, most famous medieval people have kind of died for something. Yeah, women have just died. They've just died. And that's why they're not historic. Probably because of their own stupidity. But that's why they're not historic figures.

Yeah. But Joan of Arc, even though it's like, oh no, she died at 19. She had, you know, the best you can hope for is to die for a cause because life sucks. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So I think actually, if you're a medieval woman, Joan of Art, that's the... Dying for a pair of trousers. Really?

What was a call? Throw your life away, age 19 for a pair of trousers. Turnabout died for a pair of trousers. You know when parents are interviewed on the news because their kids died and they're like, well, you know, she died for a cause. Look at those jeans. Boot cut jeans.

She died for a pair of boot cut jeans. Died for jorts or whatever. And we'll end with basically like 20 years later. The same king who wanted to. had nothing to do with her who kind of let her get killed then try... Does he let her get killed?

He doesn't try and help her. Fucking hell. But 20 years later, there's like a resurgence. It's like 90s nostalgia, people into Oasis again. Yeah. People like, oh, we're back into Joan of Arc.

Oh, Joan of Art was... Yeah, that boring girl who wore Troutman, it turns out. And then they tried the person who tried her and find him guilty of heresy. Right. And they say actually,

John of Arc's a martyr, make her a saint. And then in 1920, she's canonised as a saint before that she's like evil kid evil before that she's beatified

batified beatified which is when you're blessed so it's a black guy and Instagram stories yes going blessed blessed to stress and then a fucking Napoleon

the whatever third goes on about her a lot and then I think in World War II she becomes a big symbol symbol but she's basically a symbol yeah she's a swastika it's like a

What's actually there? Do you know what I mean? Jesus swastika, who died for wearing a pair of trousers. Well, that's Joan of Art. That's Joan of Art. Done. Take that off the box. Done.

Next. Next topic. Done. She's a simple crash. Come on. Done now. Next. Now, if you want to catch our next episode with our guest, B.B. Cave about medieval

women. More medieval women. If you have not had enough medieval women, if you realize that medieval women's actually quite an acquired taste. And I'd like another bite of that olive. Yeah. Like another gobble of that anchovy, actually. Yeah.

It's a strong flavour. Yeah. Very fibrous. Then that's already on the Patreon, where for three pounds a month you can become a truther and join a community of the smelliest people on the planet. If not, we appreciate you. Thank you so much for stopping by. This was Joan of Arc, the woman who died for a pair of trousers.

And we'll see you. We'll see you next time on Finn versus History. Goodbye. Thank you.