Fin vs History - This is Why You Should Always Upgrade | The Titanic (Part 2/3)

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

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Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm here with Horatio called... Oh no! Oh, God! I'm going to die! And this is our second part in our Titanic series. The Unsinkable podcast is nearing its date with destiny. There's a fatberg in the ocean. We left off with the ship having just set sail from Queenstown in Ireland. It's about a week before Hitler's 23rd birthday.

Yeah. And everyone on Titanic's excited for his birthday. Everyone's already got their presents for him. What do you think Hitler's doing for his birth, 23rd birthday? What do you think he's doing? Is he having a party? It's the gossip. It's the talk around the ship.

Talk of the town. It's like on the front of OK magazine, Hitler's party. They've got exclusive rights to the... He's going to be on his arm. We're in 1912. When in the world is this? To place this, this is after the invention of the hot air balloon. Right.

But before the prominence of the fetish of fat women sitting on balloons came into the cultural conscience. Bobble Man, I think, is that what that's called? I don't know. What is the women sitting on balloons, the fetish called? Yeah, Charlie, you must, do you have to Google that, Charlie? I would have thought you've done that off the top of your head. What's it called when a fat woman sits on a balloon? So the kind of, yeah, the balloon as a cultural.

thing as between those two things we're kind of in the in between those two periods we are right in the meat of the balloon's life culturally they know what hot air balloon is but if you talked about balloon fetishism they would have absolutely no idea what you're talking about they know you can fly in a balloon but they have they have little knowledge of the depths the true pleasure well they don't know because it's after the titanic that in many ways is a loss of innocence right it's kind of like you're saying they linked what what i'm saying is the titanic is the kind of the height of edwardian right it's this kind of this feat of Titanic engineering then this happens well one starts and it sets off fat chicks are sitting on balloons it sets off a century of cultural decay yes

that results in fat women sitting on balloons right being paid as sort of only fans creators wow that's that's we didn't that's never really brought into the discussion about the consequences of the Titanic no no exactly they're far reach I thought it was more maritime regulations that changed. I didn't realize it was a birth of only fans and of piss play. Well, in some ways, the, maybe the erotic fixation with the giant fat woman sitting on the the light balloon until it pops, that might have come around as a sort of generational trauma or like in the

popular imagining of the chip hitting the burg. You know, that it's the ship, it's the ship the woman. I guess in many ways the iceberg's the woman. The giant iceberg. In that all you, you see her head and you can't imagine the mass of her below her head. And I think there is an erotic element to it, you know. That is we discussed last time. People didn't realize until they read about in the newspaper.

They start imagining it. And there's that DMI, just a small ship in hitting an iceberg, you know. A big, fat icy woman. A fat burg sitting on a small balloon, you know. Yeah, yeah. Fat Jewish woman popping balloons. the way it kind of under its weight and then snaps and sick, yeah. No.

Fascinating. So to pick up the story where we left off the... It's just left Pido land. It's just left Pado land. It's just left Pado. Salampton is the highest proportion of Pidos in the country. Is that true fact? Add time of recording.

Depends, I mean, obviously... Bradford might catch up. Population flux. Immigration, Stokes quite high up. Yeah, the Pido diaspora could be spreading. Where's their motherland? Ireland maybe? I don't know.

Yeah, I guess so. There's a lot of, you know. I don't know. I'd say the UK does pretty good. Yeah, well, I suppose we are the, are we the birth nation? It's kind of an epicenter. I mean, it's got, it's one of, it's one of the UK, Ireland, France or Greece. Because what the UK does better than other, we don't actually have, we have more paedophiles than the he bea files.

Do you know what I mean? Yes. There's other cultures that are taking advantage of a 14-year-old girl because she's defenseless. right whereas British pedos it's the ones who are into six-year-olds

it's like the real stuff Italy right apparently it's Italy what was did there's that AI overview

no that was Peter Philly Italy in one country in most cases right it's got to be in the Melston pot

it's the Vatican city isn't it yeah so I think what you'd say is that Vaskin is the motherland

and they're the priest of the diaspora and they're spreading the gospel of noncing yeah and somehow

Britain caught the bug even though we riff reformation. We tried, we tried our best. Anyway, the Titanic set sail from Southampton, which is, as we've heard, the city with the most paedophiles per square mile per capita, per capita, per capita of the most petos. That's why P&O, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the end, sounds for D. So it's Pido cruises. Right. And then, yeah, if you're doing stats, what's Pee, people purchasing parity? Yes. So it's like Pido purchasing parity. Yes. That's what we have the highest of. People study,

P-D-P-D-O-P-P-E-Oxford. That's all you got time for. That's the end of the podcast. So, the Titanic statistically has a higher proportion of paedophiles on board than a ship that left, say, Liverpool. Yeah. Anyway, it sets sail with its rotten cargo to Queensland Island and then is heading into the Open Atlantic.

And now it says 6 o'clock on the 10. here, but that's, that's GMT rather than the ship's time, I think. Right. Anyway, so between April the 12th and the 14th, 1912, again, it's clear and calm waters. Unseason, sunny days, unseason to be calm. People are out on the deck and join themselves. Supposedly the evenings are, it's the, it's a dark sky zone, obviously, because it's just the lights of the ship. So apparently, there's more stars than you've ever seen when you're out on deck. Well, you don't know how many stars have you seen? Loads. Really? No.

I don't like the assumption. Right. How many stars I'd seen. You don't look like a man who gazes upwards. I'm just, I'm looking at my trousers. For all the yoghurt, I've still. Yeah, you're looking at the gutter. What's that saying about some of us looking at the stars?

We're in the gutter. You're in the gutter looking at the gutter. Going, how the fuck do I get out of this? So, yes, so people are enjoying the luxury and amenis. I'll say this now. This is probably the best time to be on the title. Okay. If anyone got off at the April of 14th,

they would have thought, what a brilliant ship. Yeah. I'd a lovely time. Yeah. Great. I recommend it. Yeah. It's kind of like...

People are playing like big chess, you know, like those Greek guys do. Yeah, it's kind of like Eminem's discography. Go on. First three albums. Great, what a rapper. Yeah. And then it all goes...

What's the iceberg? The iceberg is probably... What's the one way he did? You're not low. I'm not... alone. When he started collaborating with Rihanna

I think that was probably she's the iceberg she's the fat bug she's the big Matty Gial so passengers are enjoying the luxury in a meeting's on board

they're having spars in the film this is where Rose Kate Winsler and Leo are like I mean Leo

Leonardo DiCaprio is he's not a hebefile is he he's just a sort of he's just why it'd be a hebefile well he's

I know there's a thing about him having a young girlfriends but they're a oh you mean in real life sorry not the character in the

sorry that I mean Jack and I know he is it probably yeah probably yeah to honest he's someone who is sort of playing

in the way that the Titanic legally was allowed to have 16 lifeboats right he's playing with the rules legally he's allowed

to have 17 year old girlfriends yeah I guess he's a bit like the straight Schofield isn't it yeah it's still weird unwise but not illegal which you could say

about the Titanic having 16 lifeboats yeah the builder of the Titanic is made in an interview where he was honking on a vape going, listen, what I've been through, do you want me to die? Yeah, he was like, well, I chose 16, because I think that's the perfect age

for sexual consent. It's my favourite number. We don't even talk about the captain, have we? Captain Edward Smith. Edward Smith. So, much maligned. Solid gold ledge. Yes, he's a very British man, right? Where's he from? He's got the air of a sort of opening batsman.

But from pre-50s, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. into war year batsman sort of he looks like what I imagine Graham Gooch looks like now yeah beautiful salt and pepper flecked beard gentleman cricketer he's not professional

no um he's an absolute he's he's he's the Jeffrey boycott of right of sea captains he's had a distinguished career yeah he's from Staffordshire he's 60 I think he's in his early 60s yeah when this happens and he has had a few

let's say Dicky incidents yes in the run up to the Titanic. Right. In fact, he fought in the Boer War, but he, as the ship leaves Southampton, it's so fat and massive that when they turn the propellers on, it sucks the SS New York, whatever it's called, which which was about four years ago was the biggest ship in the world, into its like world pool or whatever, orbit. And a very nifty bit of quick thinking and maneuvering from Ed's Edward Smith basically means that they don't crash

and they just pass each other and that delays the trip by about 45 minutes so if there were 45 minutes earlier the fatberg might not have been there the fatberg might have still been attached to New York right so I mean that's just again when you're talking about the

series of unfortunate events yes the novel series where Jim Carrey played the lead villain I don't I've not seen it you're not read it no oh yeah Lemony Snicket. Oh, that.

Yeah. I've heard of it. But you're not referencing that. No. I'm talking about this is literally a series of unfortunate events. Fine, fine, fine. Not that I just need to clarify

him for listeners back, I think you're talking about the lemony Snicket series. Look, if you're feeling a bit lost, Hitler is about a week ago after 23. Grab onto the yardstick, the safety rail of where are we in Hitler's life? He's a young man in Germany.

He's just been rejected from art school. It's about to get quite fun. So, anyway, He's known as the millionaires captain. Go on. Because from 1904, he commanded all of White Star Line's newest ships on their maiden voyage. So he's kind of like... He flies private jets.

It would be that guy. But he's, I think it's more like, if we're going back to the kind of Oedipal undertones, he's taking these ships' virginities. He's the guy. He's the guy that he takes their maiden voyages. That's what he does. Oh, okay. So he's a bit like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Again, he's likely not like... Yeah, his whole thing. As soon as they've done one voyage, They're run through. They're spoiled. Yeah. They're spoiled goods. They're used goods after one word.

So... Do you think he's... From what you've researched, do you think he's been harshly treated? Because what's the view of them? Obviously, it's not a great look when you are a captain of a ship where a thousand and five hundred people die

because it crashes. Yeah. In an open ocean. Yeah. He's not... We'll get on to what happens, but I think he goes down on the ship, which is the right thing to do.

You've got to go down. To be honest, it's... It's the ideal scenario for a British person, I think. Yes. Yeah. Is to be able to commit suicide with dignity. Yeah. That is how we're meant to die.

The British, like, lizard brain. Yeah. The true British is, well, I'll be the one to kill myself. I'm not dying. Yeah. I think why Britain's becoming such a fever dream culturally at the moment is because there's nothing to, like, die for. People are living too long as well.

Yeah, it's just not really what we're culturally been built for. We are built to colonise. people and repress all the guilt from that and then kill ourselves in our 70s without ushering a word of contrition. Yeah, a dignified suicide is what we have been bred for. But instead, we're correcting people at pub quizzes. The story of Britain. That's the, that's the book. I mean, think about how we gave up the empire. Yeah, but then you look at the British dad. Yeah. And I think about the British dad a lot. The guy, I don't know, in the shed who's got too into cycling um you know there's just they're built for something else yes and they live in the

wrong time so instead they have to uh wear shorts with big pockets yeah they have to uh correct people specifics on pub quizzes yeah questions you know this is not what this person was built to do they shouldn't be have they shouldn't have hobbies they should have one job and when that goes badly even for a second they kill themselves yes yeah yeah yeah so it's a travesty that just born out of time You see them all over this country. If this podcast ever dips in numbers, I will die on this so far. Yeah, because you're at D.

Yeah, we're down with your shit. Exactly, I'm Edwardian. Whereas I will put a wig on and get on the life. Yeah, I'll be dealing out of it. Charlie takes me in his arms. Yeah. I'm going to hit Hitler salute myself to death. If that's a way of dying,

I'm going to be doing the downfall scene until I die. Cause of death, too much downfall. His downfall was he couldn't stop doing the sit. soon from now. Blot! Cause of death couldn't stop doing a downfall impression.

But he is a, yeah, he seems like he gets a relatively tough read. It doesn't really feel like it was too much that he did wrong. It was just very unlucky.

Well, I think we need to get to what happens. So first two days, it's all la-di-da. It's having fun. Lardida, love for something

Titanic. Now, there are some crimes that happened on the Titanic, which Charlie had a tab up. Can you get that up? There's a lot of things. There's a lot of times. There's a lot of times.

There's a lot of what? There's a lot of people from Southampton on the ship. There's lots of paed apart on the ship. So, there's spying. There's big of me. Spying. There's kidnapping.

Some passengers were involved in kidnapping. Now, protesting as suffrapping someone on the ship. Where are you taking them to a different part of the ship? That's how big it is. Some were protesting as suffragettes. I mean, ladies. Look, don't. Come on.

Given what happens at the end, park all that shit, the time being. Start that now. Do it off. this is the worst time to be a suffragette what are you talking about this is the best time to be a fucking woman it's best time to be a woman yeah but you don't want to be someone who's just said women are completely equal to men

we need to be exactly the same yeah that's the worst time oh really then all right lads first gun first serve fuck it this is your big payout strongest people get off the ship first how about that the big payout for societal oppression is you get the first lifeboat and that's why it was so sad

given how many paedophiles were on board at the children, they were looking out going, oh, for fuck's sake. I'd love to be on one of those boats. Why couldn't we say just women first? Why could we say children and me on that boat? Ladd and kids. Children and the Southampton Peterborough on boats first.

No, parents can't go. No, no, no. Well, you're not going on this boat. Padoes from Southampton and kids first. Piedos and kids first. I'm from Stoke. I'm a Pado. Can I go, no, just from Southampton.

There was, apparently, um, some passengers. preached illegal religious ceremonies. Now, what's that? What kind of stuff's that there? I'm going to guess that's Joseph LaRosch from Hachie and he's sacrificing a goat in the third class or something.

I've got no idea. But they have a police force on the Titanic. Do you remember? Because in the film, which is obviously all the research I've done for this, is that they bang Leo up at some point. For Nicky, for... Knicking, they plant the necklace on him.

But also when Rose is about to chuck herself off the front and Leo saves her, they assume that he's kidnapping her or chucking her off. And so there's some kind of like police force on board. Yeah. And bigamy. What's bigamy? Taking a many wives.

Right. So are they, did they get arrested for being bigger mites? I don't know if there's an active bigamy sting on the Titanic. Some people were intoxicated. I don't know if that was the crime. Spying. People spying for the iceberg. I don't know.

Is the sea got a mole in the Titanic? So then we get to April of the fall. 14th, which is the Titanic's date with destiny. Hitler's birthday is nearing. Hitler's birthday is only six days away. Now, it says here 9 o'clock, but that's not, it's actually about 11 o'clock. Yes. So 11 o'clock, this is the time on board the ship, because it's in the middle of the Atlantic.

It's about, what is it, 600 miles off, Newfoundland? Is it 11 p.m? On the ships, yeah, by the ship's clock. I thought it was a bit later, okay. Well, I don't know, because this is actually, this is a real time. It was like 1140. Right at the end of the collision. Fine, fine, fine.

Right. So about 11.30 at some point, I don't think it really matters. The lookout, Frederick Fleet, spots the Fatberg directly. And he goes, Fatberg ahead. I know, he goes, is that, is that Jonah? It's, Seth Rogen. So is that the guy from Super Bad? He rings the bell three times, which is the code for, oh, fuck.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah. So ding-and-ding-ding, now they don't have any binoculars. Yeah, that was a bit of controversy. But it's actually, apparently that's not an issue because binoculars wouldn't have helped. Because binoculars are good to see something

that you've already found. So actually, a binoculars would have slowed down. Fine. Because then he would have gone, is that Seth Rogen? And he would have gone the binoculars and he would have. Is it John C. Riley? I can't really turn. One of the fat Jewish guys, come and do that is Adam Sandler.

He's got a bit fat recently. Anyway, what they do then, now the captain's gone to bed. bed. Ed Smith is tired. Ever Smith's tired. He's gone to bed. And a guy called Murdoch. No. There's light holler. There's light holler and there's Murdoch. On either side of the ship. And Murdoch is the one that's in charge. He's the ranking officer. Right. Right. And so Murdoch here's the iceberg ahead. He rings the bell and then he rings down from the crow's nest and goes, there's an ice fat, fat, fat, get ahead. And then, um, what did I just at Murdoch? He goes, right, hard a starboard. Yes.

what this means is turn left which probably is what dooms them right yeah say it quicker no no the turn oh right sorry the turn is what yes it makes it the most unfortunate possible crash the practice at the time

when there's a fatberg is just plough through it plough through it yeah Jonah Hill can't take a fucking 300 tonnes shit going through it drive straight ahead and then you'll kill about 80 firemen

oh so they would definitely gonna die if if it had done that because all they all all all the off-duty stokers of the coals slept right in the front in the bow so I'll be like can I so he would have just gone and then it would have oh really okay fine so it would have killed about 80 of the boiler but as I say they were sort of drunken

for some they were from Southampton so they probably would have killed a lot of people it would have been the greatest antipadol sting in history it would have been a very different story it would have been a happy story Happy tale. You know how like Viagra was discovered when they tried to, they were trying to make heart medication?

It would have been like, oh, we were trying to sell to New York, but we ended up getting rid of loads of peanut farms. It's right in the swamp. Yeah. It's always the byproduct that you never see. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap,

biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's Taxes Extra. Right. Charlie, get a diagram up of what happens because I found that's interesting. They immediately go harder starboard. Turn left. Hard left. Now watch me whip. Now watch me, nay, nay. That's kind of what they're saying. Right, yeah. I don't know what, anything you just said. I don't know anything you just said. Watch me nay nay. You know, you know that's, you know that song, now watch me whip, whip, now watch me nay.

I've never heard of this one. Is that where the band? Is that where they were playing at the end? Yeah. Wait, if this happened now, what do you reckon the band would play? Probably. Yeah, I was thinking, yeah, I had a bit that I could never get off the ground. I was thinking, if you were a beatbox collective on a cruise.

Oh, God. Would it be appropriate to play as the ship goes down? Like, if you were sort of like one of those kind of harmonizing beatbox, like, Lester Square. Yeah. Like, because I mean, it probably are on cruise ships, right? You'd have something like that. Are you suggesting that the band were like buskers and they were just trying to make a quick buck?

No, I'm saying these aren't like buskers, but if you think about how trashier cruises now. Right. They will definitely have like harmonising groups who'd have like a beatbox element to them. Are they playing when the shit goes down? Like, what's the, is there any way to melancholicly beatbox? Yeah. Yeah. You know, you put on your best sideways cap, you know.

What it would be, it'd be really gash. It would be some, um, some, like, prick with it. You thinks he's James Blunt. Yeah, it would be a tribute. Yeah, beautiful. Yeah, beautiful. And then we'd be like, can you fucking shut up? You're shut up.

You're making this worse. Right, let's go. Let's, let's walk it through. So, Titanic has seen the iceberg and it is going towards it at 20 miles an hour. So again, completely safe for schoolchildren to be in between the ship and the iceberg. it then goes harder starboard which means hard left and because it's you know a hundred years ago whatever it takes fucking ages because they've got a they have you see this in the film they put the um they put like a thing like they have a big wheel and they put it to the hard left thing and

that is a signal that tells the men in the boiler run so they look at that and they go oh shit we need to turn right so the kind of the communication chain is fucking yeah there's so much lag on this And it's Mediterranean lag It's Mediterranean lag But by Protestants But again Something we need to say is It's an unseasonably

Unusually calm and clear night Which sort of Perhaps you wouldn't think this Makes it very hard to be able to see the iceberg Why? Because there's no surf There's no waves And you would determine the shape

Of an oncoming object by the waves But because the sea is completely still Supposedly it's the some of the stillest waters in April for 50 years. I don't know how anyone's fucking found that out. Well, it's about to be pretty unstill. It's about to get quite choppy. So

that's why they don't see it till it's quite late. Murlock goes hard to starboard, so what he tries to do is quite complicated. What he tries to do is go hard starboard, then hard a port, which basically means turn it hard left which you wouldn't then keep it that way because then the ship would, the back of the ship,

the stern would crash into the ice right. Yeah, and then swing out the back. So he tries to basically do quite a weird maneuver where at some point he puts it into reverse. Yeah, he's twerking the ship. The back of the ship is twerking. The back of the ship is, so he's trying to do a maneuver where the ship, the front of the ship misses, and then the back of the ship comes round and the ship misses. Now, the ship does miss the bit of the iceberg that you can see. Yeah. The iceberg is shaped like one of those dildos that has like a little bit of, like a spur. Yeah. Which kind of makes you, as a man think, well, I don't have it. I don't have that.

I can't compete with that, these sex toys. So that's the iceberg. A Chinese sex robot. It's a Chinese sex robot. And the little, whatever it is, the clip stimulation thing, that's the thing. The little hook. Yeah. I don't know what that's for.

Is it for the ass or the clip? What's it for? It's the rabbit thing, isn't it? It's the whatever this is. I don't know what that is. There's the dildo. You can only assume that goes into the vagina or the bin, as you'd call it. Yeah, but these are doing things that are just above my pay grade.

I don't know what the... But what are that? It's that bit. It's like a tree. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what that is. I can compete with that.

Yeah. Just about. Yeah. And then there's this thing. Yeah. I don't have that. Then, then I know.

What's that meant to be my pubs? Is that my balls? Am I meant to put my balls in there? Yeah. This is like Terminator when the robots have taken over. I'm going to shut my balls in their ass. Is that what this toy is telling me? So that's the bit, though, that, that cleaves, as we said last time,

through five compartments like a can open it basically it also cuts along the line of the join in the hull so there's all these rivets and there's something about the rivets being the wrong rivets supposedly if you're looking for

why this happens they could have used different rivets I think I think that's nitpicking personally but then I can't imagine if you're building a ship wrong rivets yeah choose the right rivets but if you get the wrong rivets I can see that being a real problem.

So you know what I mean? Like when you build a chair and you like an IKEA chair if you put the wrong, you switch the wrong ones, it can all collapse when you sit on it. Yes, yeah, yeah, that's true. If all the screws didn't fit.

But then that would... You mean all the passengers get on board and it moves and just sinks and San Hampton. It makes about, I think the longest incision is about 12 metres. Right.

But they're actually, they're actually all quite small. But because as you say, they're down a lot of the ship, it means that water's coming into five compartments from the off, from the side. Which means it's doomed. So it's not, the bulk heads

is not staggering the water. The bulk heads are meaningless. Yeah. The five ones of you, the five ratios with their massive heads standing in between the compartments, they're redundant now. Did they manage to lock off half of it?

And so then the weight of the water is what causes the... It's the amount of... It's the amount of compartments that are flooded. They shut the automatic doors, so they contain the water but it's because the bulkheads stop at one point and as I said

last time there's too much sea for the there's loads of sea. The sea is going to come in yeah as soon as you open the ship the sea is coming in yeah and the sea will carry on coming in until it runs out of sea the Atlantic is a fucking massive sea

so the physics of this are only going one way sure the sea is going to the ship until there's no more ship for the sea to go in And also, I think what makes this kind of story just so, like, is it all happens so quickly? From hitting the iceberg, it's an hour and a half until it's completely underwater. Two hours. Two hours. Two hours, 20 minutes.

Yeah. So the front is starting to go down because the compartment is starting to fill up. Yeah. And this is the point where there's this conversation between Ismay, who's the annoying designer of the ship, the little spoiled brat. This is when him and Smith and Anderson, the designer, are in the, this is in the scene of the film. But she can't sink. She's made of iron I'm sure she can

She will Speaking to a A hotel worker staring at my toilet Yes It's that scene again Yeah it's that scene Yeah

So at 12 a.m. Midnight Yeah About 20 minutes after The iceberg has struck And again People on board the ship They don't feel

The iceberg at all They're just like Yeah They hear a loud scraping Yeah Like Thinging has on a shortboard It is like a

loud scraping sound. But they're hearing all sorts of shit from the fucking Irish and the Jews downstairs. They're like, will you shut up down now? I'm trying to sleep. They assume that someone's fallen off a chair or something. Right, right, right. Anyway, at midnight, the Titanic's list becomes quite pronounced. So people are sort of having a drink like,

oh, fucking that's. This is a bit weird. Did you spike my drink? Yeah, I'm feeling a bit, I'm feeling a bit woozy. Half, so let's say, close to midnight, the Titanic's beginning to list and Smith knows it's going to sink and Anderson has said

you've got about two hours before this is completely out fuck yeah Smith then goes oh fuck off what fuck off what no so then he goes

presumably he starts getting people to get into lifeboats but he then goes to the Marconi room now we haven't actually talked about this at all And the Marconi is a state of the art. Crucial part of the story. Yeah.

The Marconi is a state of an art Italian communication device, which is used to send out distress signals. To any messages to other birds. To old men and want to fuck young girls. Yeah, exactly. But so they got a macaroni machine. They're too tired. Because it's a pasta making machine and not a communicative thing.

And it's like, we shouldn't have left this job to Italians. It's so confusing. Because Ed Smith. All of the names are names of pasta. I thought I was getting a Marconi machine. They said a macaroni machine, yes. See, see, macaroni. So, yes.

So Ed Smith goes in and goes, can you send an urgent telegram saying we're, can you send out distress signal? And they just start bucketing out macaroni. They're just rolling sheets and lasagna going, okay, I'm on it. On it. On it. We have a ship sinking. Yeah.

And they're just throwing lasagna sheets into the sea. Yeah. Please, please. Somebody. The Marconi machine is like telegrams and people are using it to, you know, basically send a telegram to their loved one saying I'm on board of the Titanic. But obviously that that's like they're also sending mail and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? You're just sending it to a different part of the ship and then it gets to New York is going to go.

Yeah, I wouldn't be sending letters. Yeah. Yeah, that's stupid. Anyway, my point is, I guess it's putting emails and drafts to send like later. The macaroni machine is like people are using it to say, look, I'm on the Titanic. Yeah, it's postcards. Yeah. But there's a backlog of that, which is why they're dealing with that.

late into the night and then Smith's like can you stop eating pasta and send the distress signal and they're like oh fuck we've got all this shit to do so the kind of 20 miles away is the nearest ship something maybe the SS not California yeah there is a California is it something California and they there's they send up the two flares they think their fireworks which I'm like surely there should be a distinctive style of flare where it can't be mistook for a firework yeah right if it's like is that a flare or a firework change the design of the flare

surely it should be. Or just there should be a code where if you see something bright in the sky it's probably a distressing. Yeah. Who's doing fireworks in the middle of the Atlantic? Yeah. Felt weird. It's not New Year's Eve. And then half an hour before this dressing

was sent to them they turned off the machine and gone to bed which also feels like gutting. Yeah. I don't know how big the ship was I guess because if it's a massive ship you want the microwave machine on all night but for the smaller one I guess you probably wouldn't keep it on all night

energy bills no they're probably like my parents who tricks the internet off at night right yeah I'm like they don't trust it take the phone off the line yeah yeah you know what can happen overnight with the internet

someone could come in and some burglar could come in through the internet so at this point it's about midnight the macaroni machine's not working yeah Smith is like okay we'll send out some distress signals

the carpathia responds yes and says it's four hours away And Smith's like, four hours. Yeah. We've got two if we're lucky. Yeah. So at that point, he's like, we're, we're in a big poopie. We're in a big poopie here, lads.

And at this point, they're trying to get the lifeboats. Well, there's lifeboats on either side. Right. And they've got two of the heads of command in each side. They've got, what was his name? Murdoch on one and Lightholer on the other. And there is a slightly different way of doing it on each side. Murdoch is like, let's get them all off the ship.

and Lytola is like boys we're staying on this is your chance to get rid of the wives and kids we're gonna fucking party like there's no tomorrow because there isn't a tomorrow because we're gonna die well the rule is women and children first

and they both basically interpreted it differently yeah so one side is like women and children and then any other blokes they can see is in like if the space get a bloke on and then the other side is like no I'm not letting anyone on who's not a woman or a kid until all the women the kids are off the boat

But what ended up happening, tragically, is so many half-filled lifeboats. Yeah. But there was also the reason why they wouldn't put... Because there were a lot of suffragettes going, no, I want to be treated the same. Sure. I mean, it is the funniest type of people for this to happen to. Edwardian English people is maybe the funniest people for the Titanic to happen to. Yeah.

Because pretty much every other culture in the world, there would be... Not a mass of stereo, but like when anything terrifying happens, people respond in a human way. Yeah. But this is the most polite after you people in the world. Yes. No, after you, sir. No, no. I couldn't possibly.

I'll die. To death. Yes. Yeah. Probably only the Japanese could compete with this, maybe. I couldn't possibly to death. Yeah. That's how they died.

The cause of death. This period, this culture in time, one of the funniest groups for this to happen to. Totally. Cause of death. No, after you, sir. No, after you. No, I couldn't possibly. possibly after you and then

cause of death after you basically there's the culture the most people dying from politeness yeah possible

so women and children first became policy with the sinking of the Royal Neighbyship HMS Birkenhead in 1852 now is this chivalry

or is it that women and children can produce life is it like the continuation of the race because if it's that then surely

there should have been some qualification on like well she's she's too old she's too ugly right and then you also need a stud ball to go into every ship's going to have a stud you'll be many no I'll be the stud I'll be the stud I'll be the stud I'll be the stud yeah yeah bad luck

you've got you've got the ugly you're not coming on women and because even when they said hot women and children first because they must have had that first right I'm going to be the stud with the hot women we're going to have a pido with the kids that's me and you if we were light-toler and either side

yeah you're making sure that the pinot and the kids were there I'm saying me and the hot women are going in the life butts first but there must have been yeah there must have been a guy who was like women children first okay not you though not you not you um any any fitting women still go on the ship come on and then it's end of the night the crowd's turning out sorry you're the hottest one here you're in luck I'm pissed it's 5 a M.

Count your lucky stars. You're lucky I'm six pints deep. Six pints of the Atlantic deep because you're getting on. Yeah. But yes, so I think a lot of the reason as well why Lytola didn't want to put men in empty spaces is because if men saw, they were terrified, probably rightly so, of causing a stampede or hysteria. Yeah, so the main thing, again, then by priority more than saving lives is not called panic yeah which is hilarious because panic is a fate worse than death yeah you do not you

unflappable embarrassment embarrassing you you basically sink with dignity that's the and the British love of queuing is probably on great a show here never been better never been better this is this is a cue for the post office of Christmas yeah everyone is just this is going to take fucking ages but I'm going to stand here this story is when you really start to think Britishness is a is a mental health disorder it's a handicap it's a disorder yeah but so few other cultures would act like this but i would still rather die this way than in a mad orgy of an italian ship sinking we're thinking we must fuck each other right now that's what would happen if an italian ship sinks they'd just go bunga bunga to death and then the rest is

history that i'd do a great series on this who they i don't know never heard of them um are a strange father who has nothing to do with us please daddy they say that obviously because of the film it's a better story if the rich people are super evil but apparently the rich people do actually

carry themselves quite a lot of dignity yes in this story there's a lot they're more dignified people if there's one lesson you take away so they talk about how

yes you were more likely it's not quite the class powerful it's not class as gender yes you were more likely to survive if you were a first if you're a third-class woman, if you were a first-class man.

Definitely. Maybe. I don't know. I've said that. That might not be true. I think it's true, yeah. But it's also not quite the class parable. Like in the film,

all the third-class passengers are locked behind gates. And they're like, we're not rats. Would you let us out? That's, again, that is on insistence of the American Port Authority to try to stop disease. And they do open the gates.

They were slow opening them. Yeah, they were slow opening them. But also, because there were more stewards per passenger on the first class, they're like in the beginning a lot of passengers were like I'm not going outside it's fucking freezing

piss off I'm trying to go to sleep and they're like the ship is sinking and they're like no it's not it's just fucking hit a fat bird we're fine yeah so but the first class stewards were like no come on

get up they help them up put their life their cork sink on in third class they literally open the door and go sinking come on yes it's like

well yeah it's like economy on a plane versus business class the real lesson you get a different menu you get a different The real lesson you take... The guy with the chef's hat comes out.

The real lesson you take from this is you should always upgrade. Right. It's 30 quid in a weekend. Just take it. Yeah. Because if the train crashes, you're more likely to live if you're in first class. Oh yeah, there's a couple of dogs in the Titanic. Yeah.

And one of the... The couple of the dogs survive. Do they? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. But I think what is pretty... You're more likely to survive if you're a dog than if you're a black man.

Well, there's only one black guy. Exactly. And he dies. So it's 100% dead. So it's 100% more likely if you're a dog. so husbands and wives are all split up I guess that's one of the some of the more tragic vignettes you get

you say it's tragic are you married do you have kids? I'm not actually I think this is this is a matter of perspective for some of the men it was the happiest they'd ever been seeing their wife and children go yeah thinking here we fucking go boys and this is when cruising the other type of cruising really takes off all the women and children leave

and the fellas are like yeah yeah yeah I'm going down on the ship. It's Rona Week. Now until Wednesday. Rain or shine, you can always be building yourself a better summer.

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The lifeboats, there's a lot of resistance to getting in the lifeboats, and this is why some of them are leaving half empty, is it's cold, the lifeboats are tiny little things, and they have to be lowered from a skyscrapers, essentially. So it's the same as like... It's like 11 stories. Yeah, it's 30 meters high in the Titanic.

So you're having to be winched, and in the film, you know, is one bloke on either side with a rope. Yeah. And then at one point, they're, like, you know, they're panicking and one guy goes too fast. And then the lifeboat's thinking and, you know, so it's pretty sketchy getting into the sea. So a lot of people are like, fuck that. I'm just going to stay, I reckon the ship's fine.

Anyway, the power starts to go at midnightish, five past, ten past 12. The ship's power starts to fail, lights are flickering. This is the first lifeboat, life number seven, is lowered, partially filled. only got 12 people I think every lifeboat could carry nearly like 40 maybe Right

So half 12 The ship's... But some were going off With 27, 30 places Not filled Yeah Yeah Again they couldn't find

Women that were fit enough To be worthy of the lifeboats The ship's orchestra Starts playing That's all true At 12, 25am And that's an attempt To try and calm the passengers

Because again Panic is the worst thing That can happen Yeah um so astor the richest man on the boat uh gets his um 18 year old wife onto the boat so one of the few paedophiles on the ship who's not from salampton yeah so he's quite controversial his new wife uh pregnant wife 18 and then he quite politely asks uh would i be able to go on with my pregnant wife and they say no and then he's says fine i guess but i guess it's

when you're so rich that you can get what anything yeah that kind of feeling of like, surely there's something I could do. Can I talk to your manager? They're like, well, yeah, he's having a nervous breakdown right now. Because there's also, there's the idea of, it's still,

it's conflicting stories as to what Edward Smith does. Yeah. The captain. Some are like, from the minute the lifeboat start, he's basically having a fucking Vietnam flashback and he's just staring and he's having a mental breakdown

and he's taking his trousers off and he's going mad. He's on the poop deck to curling one out. Yeah, yeah. He's trying to keep the ship afloat by doing the bigger ship. Yeah, almost efficient response to the crisis. Some people are saying that he's genuinely like swimming into third deck, rescuing babies.

I feel that's more likely. I think this is a British man's dream. Yeah, it is, yeah. Just go out with a bang. I think what he does is he goes up to the bridge and he just kind of stands there and basically just like let's it happen. Yeah, almost. Because he knows it's fucked. He dies in the bridge.

I think that is documented. But there is conflicting stories. Then, so the orchestra starts to play, at this point, it's starting to get pretty terrifying. Panic is starting to happen. Yeah, as the lifeboats. As people are starting to realize there are very few lifeboats, actually,

and they're all leaving half empty. Well, that's going to be interesting bit because they obviously, you have to work that out. They're not saying there's not enough lifeboats for everyone, are they? No. So you're in that queue. And you have that moment when you like, yeah, and when you see the, the pastry that you had your eye on, and it's just like there's two and then someone gets one, you're like, there's one left and then there's a fat guy in front of me. I think he's going to eat everything in the shop. So that kind of very British, like, there's 2,000 of us and one lifeboat. I feel. Do you reckon that guy's going, sorry, are you going to get in this lifeboat? Or no, no, no, no, no, no, please. I'll die. I'll just die. We should both die. Should we both die? Should we put the life face? in with no one and then we'll die.

That's a good idea. That seems fair. Fair is fair. Fair is fair. Yeah, the most British thing to happen would have been if they'd just let all the lifeboats go empty and everyone died. That would have been the perfect. That's what like Britain, that would have made Britain proud.

Put the paintings on the lifeboat. Yeah, the same thing are. Put the dog. Put the first folio of William Shakespeare and a dog. On a lifeboat. Salute it. Salute it. And then we're all dying.

Yeah. Imagine finding that. you're waiting for the Titanic in New York and then you throw out a search party there's just a bunch of boats with like Picasso in it and shit by quarter to one the last lifeboat

life boat number 16 is lowered and there are you know I mean there are I think 700 people survive thereabouts so I don't know how many of them are in lifeboats

probably the majority are in life boats yes I'd think so some of them are just very good at doggy treading water yeah So 700 people Just doing that

And then there's some boats full of art And a couple of dogs Huff, hof, hof. Captain Smith is curling one out On the poop deck And the band of beatboxing And It's unsure

What's a beatbox noise Some people have jumped Back out of the lifeboat On to the boat Because it's so sick Shit, they got beatboxers Nice Nice

So I guess kind of what makes it so 9-11 adjacent is the next half hour where you get this real sense of the magnificence of man crumbling and you get these images where the funnel. The awesomeness of the infrastructure collapse built in with a human tragedy. Yeah. It's, you know, the tower coming down is such an extraordinary image. The boat snapping in half. Yeah. And the funnels listing. And then so the first funnel, now one of them was ornamental.

the smokestacks. Right. Because they had four. Right. But only they used three, but they wanted another one for symmetry. So those,

they collapse and the bow... A second funnel. A second funnel. That's fallen. That's what someone says. So the Titanic begins to list, right? And the stern goes up into the air.

Yeah. The Big Booty, the Titanic now starts to really twerk. What the Titanic essentially does is slut drop. Yes. And that's why it's so catastrophic. So the Titanic begins to list

About quarter past one Stern rises out Big bum in the air The funnels collapse And Well in the film So it collapses And then is that

Probably the most amazing moment In the film Yeah Is when the It swings up And you really see It's all been quite Tight-lipped

The Titanic But when you see it Come up And all the people Like fall Hit You know Propelor

Yeah And stuff like that And that's kind of the most you see of like, I don't know, being a situation of embarrassment. You know, because if you're a gentleman. What's the guy that falls?

It's a bit hysterical to fall and hit the repelette. Sorry, I'm so sorry. Dong. Don't mind me. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. How embarrassing.

Yeah. What I'm interested in, because they show that bit really well in the film. Yeah, it's amazing that sequence. Probably where I would be, which is you'd be right at the top of the thing. Like,

yeah. The people who, right at the top of the boat trying to... Well, it's easy for you to say that now. Well, I reckon I'd be there, actually. But no, no, but you're like, you're holding on and you're trying to get on the top bit. Yeah.

I guess it's just like funny. It's, I guess it's just the human instinct of survival. I don't know what your plan is, that you're going to just stand on the very tip of the boat as it goes down for the last moment. But you know what happens? You know, there's a guy that steps off. Because, so what happens in the film,

to complete what happens is the boat has been essentially cleaved open, is the bow sinks. And then what happens is that as the stern goes, goes up, the pressure of the stern rising and that being sucked down splits the boat in two, but there's still a bit hung on. So it's like a can opener that's fully open a pop for a bit. So what then happens is that the stern flaps back, crashes down like it should be, and then is pulled down under the pressure and that little bit that still attached from the bow. So yeah, so that, so as the stern, the stern then rises as the bow goes underwater,

This is when everyone starts flying. Wee! That does look quite fun. Yeah. That bit looks sweet. But I guess, yeah, you're holding on to the... This is the guy hitting the propeller. Yeah, I...

Yeah, you want to get on top of the railings here. Yeah. So this is, again, the symmetry with 9-11 as the falling man. Yeah. That idea of men fall off. Yeah, it's almost analogy of like basically committing suicide because the options, other options worse. Yeah, exactly.

Jumping out of a burning building. Which I don't think is true, actually. You'd rather burn in a building? No, no. I mean, in this. I think you're like, well, I can swim. Yeah. I'll see what happens.

Yeah, I'd see what happens. So in the film, which we're watching now, if you're listening, the bit where the stern is completely vertical and then goes down. Yeah. It actually happens a lot quicker than it did in real life. What, they're kind of being sucked down. Yeah. That actually happens quite slowly because there's a guy who is what Leonardo DeCatio is doing. This is embarrassing for English people.

Sorry, I'm so sorry. That's what they're saying because they find out. Sorry. Don't mind me. Oopsie, oh, okay, no eyes of not. Sorry, sorry about this. Can I just squeeze past?

I've never been more embarrassed in my life. Yeah, they're hurriedly to their death. Oh, can I squeeze? Oh, silly me. Yeah, so someone who's in this kind of position where they're looking, they're basically, for people listening, what Jack and Rose are doing in the film is they're basically mounting the stern of the Titanic. And as this goes down, in real life,

there was someone who was standing, the rails on the outside, basically surfing the Titanic down, and then it happened so slowly that he was able to step onto a, onto a, onto a, onto like a door, and then get onto a lifeboat without getting his head wet. So there's someone who survived the sinking, having not been on a lifeboat that didn't get his head wet, because he was able to step off the stern onto like a bit of debris and then onto, so this is happening quite quickly and there's all this thing about being pressure sucking down. I don't know how actually quickly it happened.

Yeah. Given that there's this sort of, I think, like verified story of someone who survived without getting their head wet. But who knows? I mean, if you survive this, you'd be like, yeah, I didn't even get my head wet, actually. Yeah. I didn't even have to swear.

You'd hope that you'd die of old age, wouldn't you? Like, to get hit by car a week later would really feel like... Well, a lot of people kill themselves, actually. Yeah. Having survived. Which we'll get on to. But a lot of the... Titanic is, obviously, he's such a big Titanic nerd.

But all of the specifics in these stories are often based on real events that he's kind of crashed into the Jack and Rose story, right? Yeah, yeah, totally. The door. Being on the door, there's a story of a mother on the door and her three sons are all clinging on like Jack was. Oh, yeah. And men die quicker than women because they have, they're not big batty gal. Because they're small batty boys. Because they're tiny batty boys.

Ben, just in general, have lower. body fat percentage. Yeah. So you freeze, you freeze to death quicker. Also, in situations of panic, your body gets more excited.

So you saw... The men have all got big boners. All their blood's gone to their dicks. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so does this mean that Caribbean women or women with big bums live longer in situations like this?

In situations like this, yeah, probably. So a Caribbean ship sinking, there'll be more survivors. Yeah. And then the story of Fang Lang, one of the few Chinese passengers on the ship

actually probably has the most amazing story so there's obviously all the life boats are watching this happen apparently the noise is extraordinary it's just this kind of

horrifying drone not only has the boat just gone down with the mechanics of that but you're just hearing a thousand, 500 people screaming

oh it's really cold oh fucking hell you know when you get into a hot bath yeah like that yeah but the even though the ships

imagine listen to 1500 Wim Hof's going on about how fucking cold it is. Well, yeah. Another great Dan Rath bit, which is for a small period, it's actually healthy because it's good to be in cold water. Shout out on erotic news. Yeah, a brilliant podcast. Yeah.

Sorry, carry on. And so... The sound of people dying is awful. But you're in a lifeboat and there's a lot of half-empty lifeboats, but the reason they don't all go back is because they're once again terrified of being pulled in. Like if you go with a lifeboat, everyone's going to swim to you and then pull you in. A couple

Only one goes back. And it's the one in the film where the American woman, Molly Brown, who's a bit of a feminist firebrands. Yes. Yeah. One goes back because they're waiting for them to thin out a bit, basically. Yeah, so there is a LIPO that goes back

but gives it a minute. And also, no one is drowning. They're all freezing to death because they've all got life jackets on. Yes. So no one is, it's all just freezing. Well, I think some people are drowning. Okay.

Yeah. Definitely some people drowned. Yeah, of course. But in general, everyone is, all the corpses are floating on the top. So can you get something on how they actually died? I think it's a mixture of hypothermia and then your brain loses consciousness in like eight minutes. Because the water temperature is like minus two. Yeah.

Right. And there's floating bits of like fat. Stephen Bartlett's having a great time. Chris Williamson's in there. Yeah. All of the kind of healthy manosphere. Andrew Huberman is like, this is brilliant. This is great.

this sinking is the best thing has ever happened to us we're optimising our day we're waking up we're awake it's 3 a.m. and we're already in the ice bath. This is ideal official report recorded that 1,000 489 people drowned

okay fuck well some say that immersion hypothermia was a primary cause of death which yeah might be the point is though it's a lot of people drown then well I guess the point is is that you freeze and then you'll you pass out but you're still alive but then you drown because you're asleep, you're asleep in the sea.

Right, you're taking a nap. If you're asleep in the sea, you're going to die. Yeah, fine. Anyway, so Fang Lang, back on Fang Lang. So Fang Lang is a Chinese guy on the Titanic and this is supposedly where the whole door thing comes from.

Yeah, so he would literally somehow had managed to hold onto a door and was picked up by a lifeboat in the end, which is pretty amazing. By 2 a.m., the Titanic has completely sunk. Night night, goodbye. Everyone, as you say, is then screaming. Oh, fuck.

It's cold. Yeah. The Carpathia, a nearby ship, which is the one that had heard the original distress signal. And there's an interesting slash boring element. It's not funny, but it's quite boring, is the distress signal from the Titanic, because of something to do with, like, how their clocks were synchronized, was actually 10 miles out from where the actual position. But the Carpathia also, luckily the actual position was in between where the Carpathia picked up the signal and the original wrong signal.

So the Carpathia were on the way to the Titanic and accidentally found the Titanic. Fuck, right. So anyway, as I said, it was quite boring, but, you know, people seem to want the boring bits in the podcast. Yeah. The Carpathia arrives and picks up all the people on lifeboats. Yep. It seems... Sorry?

Peter Files first. Pado's first. The Carpath is a Pado only ship. In the film, they then seem to arrive in New York the next day. Is it that quick?

I don't know. Well, where the wreckage is seems pretty near New York. They got pretty close, didn't they? Yeah. I would be in New York at the Docklands calling all the survivors cowards.

Yeah. You should have killed yourself. So the April the 18th. So it's like three days on the Carpathia. Right. Right. Yeah.

the Carpathia was then later signed by Germany So the Carpathia arrives in New York two days before Hitler turned 23 So this all happens in the week leading up to Hitler's 23rd birthday Right and I think we'll should lead this now Because we've come into Doc And do, but we're going to do a third part

On not only the survivors, but the submersible Which is a great laugh Yes, the Titanic submersible That part is already on the Patreon For £3 a month, you can become a truther what really happened to the Titanic? Well, we've done that. It's sunk.

But the next part's on the Patreon. Did the Titanic really sink? Did it sit? Yeah. Funnale. Is the Titanic still afloat? Has it just gone off course? This is not the story of the Titanic.

This is the story of the buildup to Hitler's 23rd birthday. And we will carry on that story in our next episode on the Patreon now. But if not, thank you so much for joining us. And we'll see you next time. After you. The band will play on as this ship, this podcast sick. Thank you.