Fin vs History - Travelling Back In Time to Throw American Cheese at Lenin’s Head | The Russian Revolution of 1917 (Part 4/5)

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

St Petersburg, February 1917 - the first and last time a woman’s march achieved something? The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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are punishing Russian cold plunge into the revolution But because the only way we're going to reach Enlightenment is by punishing ourselves Exactly Because the Russians There's only truth in pain Peg yourself to death

For salvation To be honest These couple of years It's a bit of a holiday In Russian history This is some of the least painful years They have They look back at this as a golden era

This is the golden era Only 15 million people died In four years Oh, halcyon days They're eating horses raw Do you remember those beautiful days You don't know you're born If only

you don't know you're born what's that cueing for bread I wish we have done a rough history of Russia up to this point we've explained a lot of the key characters but

I'd like to just I'd like to just we have to remember at all times that our audience are very very very very fat but also they're thick ungrateful they're ungrateful and they're thick

and this I think what we're about to delve into 1917 in Russia we're bitten off more than we can chew. Definitely. Now, above our pay grade. People might think you don't really chew much on this show. This is liquid food history, which is what our listeners want.

Yeah, exactly. Many of them are in care homes. A wide gullet all the way down. They don't know that this is playing on the TV. They can't stop it. So we need to be aware that they're there. This is mainly for their carers, this show. When we talk about 1917, I texted you yesterday, it's essentially the amount of stuff

that happens in this year in Russia, It's like the entirety of the troubles in six months. Yes. But if before every bomb or protest, they have a 10-hour committee meeting about it. It's a blend. It's incredibly exciting. It's 9-11 decided by local council. Yeah, it's so exciting.

Every inch. It's exciting and it very boring. It's true, yeah. It's both. It's actually, I don't think any event's been more like that in history, where it's so unbelievably boring and exciting at the same time. Yeah, simultaneously. Something so truly exhilarating and historic, and it feels like the whole of human history is

turning on a knife edge. in one day and then you'll have a 15-hour meeting where nothing gets to slide and it's so boring. Should we fly the second plane into the tower? Right.

First Congress, now in session. What do you do about the second plane? Yeah. And it takes 20 hours to decide. Well, I guess on a sort of 9-11 scale when 9-11 happens in what, a morning, right?

In space about 20 minutes. 20 minutes, 9-11. And then it's Titanic, which is like 9-11, about five hours. Yeah. Right. And then you have, I guess, the Russian Revolution where it's 9-11

that happens in about six or seven months. And then you have the troubles. So you should probably have a sort of scale with, stretching out on 9-11 is T-20 and then the Titanic I guess is ODI or the hundred the hundred and then what was the other one you said that well it'd be Russian Revolution is I guess the one day well-day made it's the World Cup one-day World Cup right right six weeks yeah the troubles is test cricket yeah the highest form of the game

the troubles but then you can also view it as like the whole of Russian history is an ultra test cricket you know because it is just the whole thing is a night the whole history is nine eleven the whole thing is an ultimate Marathon, isn't it? Russian history is an ultramarathon as is reading

any of their books. It's a really tough mother. Yeah. It's like extremely tough actually. Yeah. It's like a tough

mudder but you die at the end and you get beaten by Cossacks. It's a fuck mother and then you have to eat the Cossacks. You know tough matter that you do with your

recruitment team? Imagine that you get raped by Cossacks basically. Yeah. And also you're not doing it on your weekend. That's your working week. So look, let's just try

in 1917. I think it's, we must remember the people are listening are very fake. So, To place 1917, first of all, this is before England won the World Cup.

Yep. And it is after Florence Knight and Gale started... Running her mouth. Titty-fucking people in the Crammian warbeds. Is that what she did? She titty-fucked them. Was she the first wet nurse? Right.

But so how does she titty fuck? She'd get titty-fuck. I think, yeah, she gets her tits out and then everyone feels a bit better. And then she calls that nursing. I think is what happens. I'm not completely. sure um yeah it's female history yeah so that that's female prehistory it's because female history starts about 1980 i think right so it's like sapiens yeah when the big um yeah i would like to write

a sapiens but it's for women and it's like the day dot year zero is like when the big sippy cups invented in the 2000 or the stanley cup yeah that's that's year zero for women um before that there's just of unconfirmed rumors yes exactly yeah it's completely spurious we can't know Joan of who? No, unconfirmed. Anyway, so what's going to happen

in 1917, which will guide our next two episodes, is that there's going to be a revolution in February. There's a different revolution in October.

And then all hell breaks loose. In between the two revolutions, there's a lot of very mad shit as well. So we're going to get there slowly.

We're going to try and take you with us. We're going to try and some of you will be left behind. Some of you will be, as you are in life. And we will not stop for stragglers.

We will, we will leave men behind because we're going to shoot our horses shoot the horses next day you have a limp yeah our audience every man left behind every man for themselves

um so January 1917 to pick up the timeline uh rass clart Putin is dead yeah even though he's come back for like five times like uh from the dead Nicholas the second is now on the front line in charge of the Russian with his big boy pants on his big boy pants on his high pitch voice

oh excuse me can you not do that he's in charge of the Russian forces on the line the World War I's going very badly his son is a hebefile

can't stop wanking over 14 year olds he starts wanking he doesn't stop and so his wife the Tsarina I can't remember what her name is

Alexander Alexandra she is it's sort of in charge and it's all going very badly she's very woo-woo mystics

kind of crystals but she's now running an empire yeah and Russia's probably the least Christy place on Earth in terms of

like hippie-dippy shit ironically I mean scary hippie-dippy shit I guess when you get out into Siberia and Rusputin and stuff like that Yes there's this more cult Like the sex cult I don't know if that's crystals

That's not hippie-dippy shit is it I guess if you're fucking a crystal I don't know if that's still crystals I'm into crystals really I shun up my ass Yeah it's not the same same thing So But what's interesting about

1917 February is that That is when the kind of first revolution in the beginning of this revolutionary year but it kind of happens quite unexpectedly right all of the big players aren't in town no where are they where are the players Stalin is in Siberia still in exile and he's playing a bit of a background role at this point

so no one knows if he's going to be a big guy at all he's just been doing dirty work he's not really a big player at this point I'm a fool to do your dirty work that's a song about Stalin steely Dan yeah big Stalin fan steely Dan empathizing with Stalin's experience in the early revolution.

Interestingly, Steedy Dan, one of their big songs, um, is, is an ode, a sort of mournful ode to being a paedophile.

Right. Um, Hey 19. I don't know. I'm not a big Steely Dan guy. I'm a huge steely dan guy. Sort of this revolution tends to steely grain,

doesn't it? It does something to Steely down to Stealy grain. Yep. Um, but anyway, Trotsky is in New York being, uh, arrogant,

chatting shit. Uh, one of the biggest wankers of all time. Yeah. Ponsnet. What is it? Ponce-noz. He's got Pazna.

which means pinch nose right yeah it's these little glasses that have no arms yeah it's wanky it's a strapless bra for your face yes uh the ultimate fuck boy um one of the most the biggest you know if he's if you're in a kitchen with him you're cut you're yeah you're getting ghosted he's got a tote bag he's reading sally runy and he'll never text you back trotsky founded cos he does that slightly after february 1917 that's what he wears uh he's a nightmare and then lenin is injuric still uh furiously huffing and puffing he's like i'm gonna going to, I'm never going to be able to bust my revolutionary nut. Yeah, sex

gets in the way of a good time for Lenin. He likes reading writing. The only time he, the only real come he can have is the come of the revolution, right? Yeah, sexual comes mean nothing to him. This is a very low pleasure. The only real pleasure is a proletariat, a dictatorship of the proletariat. That's the only time I feel like I can bust.

He wants to wrap the bourgeoisie round his neck and then come proletariat hammers and sickles. Exactly. Yeah. And I think that's, to be honest, of the great, we've studied a lot of history on this podcast. A theme of the great men of history is they are looking for the higher come. Yeah. It's not these little cums here and there that you pigs are going after.

The great men of history, they dedicate their life to one extraordinary cum. To searching for the hardest calm. Yeah, Gaddafi, put over his truck. Hitler. It's about your life building up to one extraordinary, you know, come that reverberates through the urges. Eyes on the prize. the cum that was heard around the world. That's Gaddafi's at last day.

He's in Zurich and they all, you know, there's definitely discontent in Russia, of course, but the revolution takes them all by surprise. Basically, there's a lot of strikes happening in Petrograd, mainly because the train lines have been frozen, so a lot of the bread isn't coming through. And people love bread. Well, they only have bread.

You're speaking as if it's a choice, as if, like, they have lots of salad. There's lots of different options. Well, as we discuss, Russian salad is all bread and mayonnaise. It's a disgrace. It's still bread. It's absolute disgrace. And the bread's also, it's like black bricks.

You can build a house with Russian bread. Yeah. It's like rye black bread. Yeah. But it's all they've got to eat. It must all be very, very bloated as a people. Exactly. Because I guess it is interesting how, you know,

as someone who I struggle to digest a lot of bread, you know, a little bit gluten and tolerant. And the amount, it's quite triggered. in how much bread plays a part in, you know, in the Lord's Prayer. Yes. Give us this day our daily bread. It doesn't take into account people who struggle to digest bread. Are you saying that's on Christianity to change?

I think they should. I think it's like, you know, it's one food type and it's excluding a lot of people who maybe struggle with bread. That's got to be surely the end point of woke is when gluten intolerant people are campaigning for the end of the Lord's bread. Well, it's just, you know, it's very specific. Can we not have a more kind of general food? Then why is the specificity of bread?

Give us this day our daily rice? No, that's still, you know, it should be our daily food or something or like um but jesus turns into bread doesn't he i don't know i don't care is a big loaf of bread i don't know i don't fucking care anyway these strikes and demonstrations are increasing in petrograd uh and on the 23rd of february uh there is an international women's day march yes they're burning bras this is the first one actually is it this is a so this is a leninist invention is national women's day and they are in

they are in petrograd in the street and they are chanting for bread which again, it's very funny to think of white women in the streets chanting for bread. Yeah. Because nowadays, obviously, they'd be no, they're scared of bread. They're scared of bread, aren't they?

They're scared of bread because it's going to put the pack. Yeah. Lettis. Cucumbas. Matcher. Exactly. It'll be a matcher riot these days. Yeah, but in these days, the pasts a foreign country,

they're in Russia. They're chanting for bread. This horrible black bread that you could build a house with. And Russia are very sexist chauvinistic culture, very traditional culture. So having the first. women's march there is quite... Yeah, it's mad, it's strange.

So these guys, they're all wearing like pussy hats. Yeah, well-behaved women don't make history, that sort of stuff. This is hashtag me too. It's the start of it as well. Hashtag me... Hashtag bread now I'm starving.

Hashtag bread, too, please. And what happens is the Cossacks who are kind of the... That I think I'm right in saying that Peter... We haven't explained the Cossacks, actually. No, I don't think we have to, but Peter the Great

sort of invented a kind of Praetorian Guard, I understand. No, that's the Streltzi. Right. So the Cossacks are the, it's kind of a, to be honest, the Cossack in many ways is sort of like the American Cowboy. Oh, is it? Outlaw cavalry and they often get conscripted to be an elite cavalry force. Right.

But they're all over Russia, but mainly focused in the Don region around Ukraine. So instead of, like, cowboys, the Cossacks is like a spirit. Indians, you'd have like Cossacks and Eskimos. Well, it's that they have these, there's loads of racism in this region. but if you're not from this region, you all look the same. Right. That's what's funny about the kind of racial tensions in Russia

is it's all specific types of other white. You know when you're ticking the boxes? White other. White other. Gypsy. Yeah. Just, you know, to all of us, you're all white other.

So I don't know what you guys are fighting about. Yeah, exactly. But to them, it's like, he's completely different from me. It's like, he's Polish. He's Latvian. It's like, you're the same, lad. You're all the same. You've got good lager.

You've got a strong work ethic. Terrible salad. Terrible salad. Nothing worse than an Eastern European salad. Yes. Actually, there's quite a lot worse. We're about to get into several things. Yeah, they do quite a lot of worse things.

So the Cossacks are told, this is the Zaris move, is you just shoot anyone who's facing you in your direction. The Cossacks. I guess it's probably seen as a socialist thing, the February edition, because it's an innovation Women's Day, so it probably feels quite aggressive. Yeah, I guess so they go, none of this, please. And so the Cossacks, they defy orders,

and they cross the picket line, I guess. Because they're fed up as well, because a lot of them are getting sent to the front line dying there, they're also starving. So I think what I was going to say about the Praetorian Guard element was that they had been put into the meat grinder of the front because they were just putting so many minutes. So these troops, maybe they are Cossacks.

And so they, you know, if they hadn't fed the Pertorian Guard to the front, maybe they wouldn't have crossed the line here. But the Cossacks go, fuck this. We're with these hot chicks. wearing pussy hats and there there's annoying kind of like

feminist allies that were on the march this is what feminist looks like yeah exactly please get a picture of Benedict coming back to

this is what feminist looks like we might need to go back over that at some point culturally that kind of 2013

2012 era when Nick Clegg was wearing it when I guess you don't know at the time how it's going

be looked back on oh my god look at the state of that yeah that's a very much that's a pre 2016 face

isn't it yeah yeah because nowadays you wouldn't make that face with a slogan like that. What would the slogan be? Stop the boats.

Yeah, but you, stop the boats? I think I'm right. It's stopped the boats like this. No, nowadays it is. Is it like, stop, but is it, are you smug about stop the boats? I think we should stop the boats. It'd be quite funny to have like a smug, um,

right winger. Because it's always the left that are smug, isn't it? Yeah. And the right that are angry. If it was the other way around, yeah, it'd be quite funny to have like a smug, you know, send them back I think we should send them back

they will not replace us I mean that is just we need to hang that in a museum as to like you know the past as a different country I think that's the smuggest face I've ever seen on anyone that is extraordinary

two fingers I mean can you could you actually imagine a more punchable man he's called Benedict Cumberbatch and he's wearing a t-shirt this is what a feminist looks like oh Christ what a fucking cunt looks like

we should get t-shirt to say that this is what a cunt looks like at the time you must have felt like you were on the right side of history yes and that it'll be looked back on as he imagined in 15 years time we'd look back on and be like wow this person knew this was the right thing to do yeah and he couldn't be more wrong yeah that look has aged like sour it's aged pretty badly yeah um no one trust those guys anymore no turns out they're just looking for another way to get nooky yes Exactly. Benedict, come up your patch, more like. Anyway, there's a huge march of big doughy women

demanding black bread. And the Cossacks crossed the picket line. They side with them and there are now big riots. The 24th, 27th of February, the protests swell, the soldiers mutiny, the Petrograd Soviet is formed. Now, do you want to explain what that is? So a Soviet was formed in the 1905. revolution soviet is russian for sort of council or meeting and soviet union is the union of

meetings um which is incredibly boring it's the meeting of the union of meetings yeah yeah to make sure that we can union we need to meet and that's why we need to have one in one name before we do anything though we need to decide on this by having a meeting it's insane is this a meeting does the meeting start no this is a meeting about when we're going to have the meeting yeah this is the union of people who want to start meeting who's going to take a minutes for this meeting let's have a meeting to decide and who's going to take the minutes for that you know it's a russian doll of meetings is what this country is. So, but that's quite...

And so it's gone all over the country, right? And it's a way of... A council of workers, basically. Trade Union. Trade Union and some local representation. But the Petrograd Soviet, which was set up by Trotsky in 1905, is becomes incredibly important because all of this change, though there's lots of stuff happening all over the empire, is going to be focused on the city of Petrograd.

So these riots, these bread riots, this spontaneous February revolution is where the Tsarist regime collapses. because Rasputin Rasclad Putin, he's smoking spliffs in the sky, he's done the Tsarina is she's got M.E. She's just sort of every historian I've heard talk about

and she's like, oh, she's just a bit shit. They don't really qualify to go, she's just bad. Completely delusional. Yeah. My people love me. Yeah. They'll never turn. Well, there was a thing she was saying, Queen Victoria was like, don't, you shouldn't you give the, who's Queen Victoria, who's her grandma? We're saying, shouldn't you give the Russians

like a bit of democracy? And the, Zarina was like, no, no, I know Russians, they don't fucking want it. Yeah. They love, Zars are like God. Yes, yeah. And this is months before they're completely run out of town. So basically, it's only at this point that the Tsar is sort of realizes that maybe the game's up.

And he goes to try and get back to St. Petersburg, Petrograd, but the revolutionaries have control of the railways or the railway workers. Right. Basically don't let him get on the train. back and then on the second of March he's basically surrounded by his generals on the front and they

essentially peer pressure him into abdicating. It's not really it's sort of a coup I think because of how tent everything's got and how explosive it could be and how explosive becomes it is kind of interesting both with February and October how both of those actually kind of

they go with like a sort of a bit of whimper. Yeah yeah. And after all this time it's sort of like the SAR cuts a figure of sort of like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. He's quite just a down and... Oh, okay.

Three hundred years of a dynasty. One family has ruled the biggest landmass in the train. You should abdicate. Very well. Yeah. Ha ha.

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So as much as he held onto it, I think he feels like he's just so worn down and tired. He goes, fine, I guess not. And so this is on 2nd of March. And then a provisional government is formed initially led by a guy called Prince Lavov. Yep. Is that not his son? No, he's not his son. No, so he's going to abdicate in favour of his son

that he befile, but he's too horny for 13-year-olds and he's young, so they go, that's not fair. Because it's still, now that he's abdicated, it's what's the next system we're going to use? Well, no, because then they say it's my, I'll do it for my brother, who's Michael. Because there's still a push for maybe a constitutional monarch. Yeah, but then he, Michael goes, fuck that.

Yeah. This country's insane. These people love suffering. Yeah. I don't want to be the figure of that. Yeah. So then basically they realized that the institution of monarchy is done. And then they form as provisional government.

Yeah. And the Romanov family, they're all put together and their story is not over. But they are placed under house arrest at the Alexander Palace in Sequoese, hello, salo, which is in Siberia. And actually, supposedly, they have quite a nice time for the next eight months. Because one thing about, as bad as the Sir Nicholas second has been, his decision making has been terrible, how mad the Sarina has been. Something that is kind of, I guess, more human about them

is that they do genuinely love each other. Yeah. And they have a very happy family. And they just kind of, they just enjoy... Five girls and a little heap of... And they just have, like, quite an idyllic family life. And for the next eight months. For the next eight months.

It gets pretty nasty for a little bit. But they're out in the countryside. He's, you know, going for long walks. And he's like, this is what I want to do... It's basically like wife swap. Yeah. It's like, oh, fuck, do you know what? Outside the palace,

to cut my own logs for the fire I'm actually having a lovely time in the fresh air I'm working I'm working I'm sleeping better me and Alexandra are getting on better

you know this is this is living they're playing cards I'm talking to my kids do you know what I really like this well it's first lockdown some people

It's first that's exactly what it is it's first lockdown the weather's really nice and what they don't know is that they've got they've got the third lockdown coming which I'll say this now

if only I had gone what they went through instead of the third lockdown I lost my mind in the third lockdown I listened to the same song on repeat for about four months Like a psychopath Like a psychopath

Like you're making yourself Guantam and obey This is where I started inventing Just character Email addresses and characters I was pretending to be people And just messaging them Start flirting with an agent

Yeah And influences his engine Start flirting with him As a woman She went out fucking mad So you wish you'd been Killed basically Yeah I don't want to ruin the story

Because it's pretty It's pretty mental but they don't live they don't live they don't last the year anyway let's what what pray tell now that the Roman officers have fallen and there's a provisional government what do our grottie little kitchen insales

what do they do now hold up because it's not only the provisional government but it's it's an agreement because the petrograd Soviet is so powerful now because there's all the workers and some of the people in the navy at the Kronstadt which is that floating naval base right

they set up a sister called dual power so it's not this makes it even more meetings, even more bureaucracy there's the provisional government and there's also the Petrograd Soviet and both of those are going to run the country right or run Petrograd but who's in charge? That's the thing

that's what's so mad about this period is that no one no, there's no authority because they there's two... You have no authority Jackie Weaver! It's a lot of that. There's a lot of Jackie Weavers. That's the reason I can't, I've struggled with this. Is there so many Jackie Weavers? There's 10 Jackie Weavers.

And whoever the guy is saying you got no authority. That's me. That's me. I'm the one that calling the council leader at Hair Commandant. Yeah. Or Ober's Alpsphere. And then I guess if you're Lenin or Trotsky, uh, hearing about this, you can't believe it, you know.

Yeah. You're dropping your corn flakes when you're reading about this in the papers. Sorry, was there, was a house party and it was a kitchen that I didn't lecture someone. Oh, fuck. I've missed it. Oh, no. Yeah. So now they're doing.

desperately trying to find a way back. Did I not tell someone that women should be paid the same? Oh my God. What am I going to do with myself? Yeah. Absolute wankers to a man. So they need to find a way to get back because this is all their life's work and now they're getting the ultimate fomo.

How does this happen without me being there? Yeah, because Lenin stuff happens and then he, before he does anything, he's like, well, I need to check what the theory says about this. Because he's always trying to reinterpret events through the prism of Marx and Engels. Do you know what he finds? I couldn't care less. But how Lenin returns back to the city Is he's obviously ex-R in Zurich

To get back to Russia You have to go through an active war zone And enemy territory This is crazy by the way This is absolutely crazy this bit of the story Is he disguising himself yet? No No, okay

It's a sealed train Now what does that mean? I don't really know Obviously Germans love a sealed train Yeah famously Yeah The opposite of an Indian train They're far too unsealed

I'd say Basically it doesn't have stops where people check or checks and balances just go straight through, I imagine. So it's a direct train. It's a direct train, no stops. It's a bullet train. Yeah.

Yeah. And basically, there's a deal done with the Bolsheviks and the Germans that they'll send Lenin through as a sort of virus. Yeah. This is amazing. There's a Churchill quote about this.

What? It's that, so they do send Lenin through Germany to Petrograd and Churchill says the Germans have unleashed the greatest weapon that they've known. Lenin

Like basically Yeah like a sort of A basilis or a petri dish They basically want to Is a disease pangolin They're just sending Hurtling towards Petrograd It's a guy fucking a bat in a trade

And they're just going to open it And obviously because Lenin's been Had a really anti-war stance They're thinking if he goes and disrupts I think wars are actually really bad They're just in an erupt for oil I think war's really bad Yeah that's a really good impression actually

Yeah that's Lenin So they send this disease hurtling back to Petrograd, the Germans let it go through because it's going to destroy their war effort. Do you know how that like is negotiate? It's a negotiate with the Bolsheviks and I think Stalin helps potentially. So the Bolshevite and because when they

arrive everyone assumes or there's a rumor that starts that German, they're German spies, right? That happens a bit later. But because like that is a betrayal in a sense, isn't it? But Lenin doesn't view it as betrayal. No, of course not. Because he has no interest about how Russia does in the war

because he thinks it's an imperialist war that's not a war of the Russian people's anyway. He's also Russian, so he loves suffering. Yes, so it's like brilliant. A loss is a win for me. Yeah, exactly. Am I he closest to being killed? Brilliant. I guess it's sort of every cloud in a way.

It's the opposite of every cloud. What's that then? Every cloud could fall on me and I could die. So he arrives after this like, how long is the journey? Find out how long that journey is. Because it's a very famous, it's probably one of the most famous train journeys of all time. At this point. There's a bustling network of trains that are going to become very famous in about 20 years.

Oh, here we go. Lennon's sealed train. Eight days. So, sealed train implies that he's like in a cattle car. But trains at this day and age are quite nice. There's the dining car. There's the... I don't know.

I know that there's one toilet between 20 people in there. Right. I think Lennon started running, organizing the toilet like communism. We had to have a meeting before we had a poop. Genuinely. Genuinely, it was like a really like... There was like a really like the share of the toilet had to. to be completely equal.

Oh, my God. A rising tide lifts all poos. I think, so a lot of exiled Bolsheviks are on the train, his wife's on the train, his mistress is on the train, his much untalked about mistress. He's in a polycule, of course. He's in a polloicule. He's in a sealed.

A polycule is a sealed train. Yeah, is. It's still a fuck train. Lenin, he's indefinitely wouldn't check his phone on the toilet. He's one of those kind of guys. Lenin, while he's taking the shit, stares into the middle distance until he's finished. Lennon's raw dogging flights.

Yeah. A hundred percent. A hundred percent he's raw dogging flights. He's 24 hours to Australia. Just thinking about revolution. Not even reading. Just thinking about it. He loves thinking this guy.

He loves it. Yeah. That's why he's lost all his hair. You just thought it all out. The heat coming off his brain. Yeah. You know, that's why Charlie has so much hair on his head. Do you know what I'd love to do?

I'd love to go back in time and just slap him on the head. he doesn't seem like you're doing you're not really changing the course of history I don't know I'd like to go back in time and shake Hitler's hand but I'd like to go back in time Sorry can I just shake your hand He's a baby

Thank you You don't know me You don't know me But I'm a big fan Long time listener First time caller No I want to just slap Ed Lennon You know in the office

That guy Malcolm who they debag That's what I'd like to do to Lenin So what you slap Or do you know what would be more satisfying American cheese from a distance and you fling it and so he's in the middle of giving a very sincere earnest speech

and then I mean if you'd done this at this speech coming up it would have changed the course of history I'd love to get back in time to do that so when he arrives back from the sealed train and this is kind of one of the most iconic moments because there's so much that happens there's kind of few like

learning on the railway car images that really defined this wouldn't you say yes yeah yeah because even me looking through this history I'm like I don't know there's not many tent poles that are in the popular imagination to hold on to Because it's absolute chaos. It's chaos.

But this seems to be one of the kind of really historic moments. After this eight days in a sealed train sharing one toilet with 20 other dirty commies, he so much is his focus being the most awake man of all time. He's raw dog eight days. He's raw dog eight days. As soon as he's arrived with all the jet lag, whatever, he immediately is met by all of this workers, Bolsheviks, but a huge crowd of people have gathered around at Finland station.

They've been paid to be there with free beer. Did you know that? Really? Yeah. Smart. The Bolsheviks have gone. Lenin's arriving and everyone's like, who the fuck's that. Because no one knows who he is.

But the Bolsheviks are like, right, free beer. They're like, oh, great, beer. Drink bread. Yeah, fizzy bread. Because also at this point and what's kind of, I find so thrilling about this story just for a narrative sense is just how the Bolsheviks from such a small fringe group, they managed to slowly grow support in the space of a couple of months. Lenin stands on top of the train and delivers a very important. in speech. Well, basically, he's one of the only people

who's offering simple, clear solutions to people's problems. Get Brexit done. Yeah. Peace, land and bread. Power to the Soviets, which he has no intention of doing, by the way. It's one of his,

as Anthony Beevo would say, it's one of his three great lies. Anthony Bevo? Anthony Bevo. Yeah, Bevo's uncle. Bevo's granddad. And he gives a great speech and riles people up.

They're pissed on beer. Now, if you'd gone him back in time with a bit of American cheese, which they have no idea what that is. This is Russia. Their cheese is not like that at all. They don't have cheese. And you just flung just perfectly, and it had just slapped him.

It would have undermined this whole speech and the revolution would look very differently. The butterfly effect. Yeah. We would not know. What world would we live in if I'd done that? Yeah. Or is cheese? Or it's like a little pitty flu and just splatter yogurt like that. And do you know who that man is?

Mikhail Gorbachev. Right. He was, of course, he was there and someone threw a yogurt on him. Do you know about the, we talked about the history of Russian leaders, bald, hairy, bald, hairy, bald hairy. We discussed that. I don't think we have. Because now he brought up Gorbachev. There's an extraordinary continuity of having a bald leader, then a leader with hair, then a board leader with hair, then a board leader with hair, which continues to happen up until Putin.

But is Putin is balding? Bald Harry. Go on it. It's got a same Wikipedia page. A common joke in Russian political discourse referred to the empirical rule of state leaders' succession defined as a change of bald or balding

led it to a hairy one or vice versa. Let's go through it. It goes all the way back. It goes all the way back. So, Nicholas the first, scroll down, Alexander the second. Wait, go down, let's go. So let's just go to the people we know.

So George, even does George Livov, right? So we even talked about us. So George Livov, who we've mentioned, and we're going to come to Alexander Kerensky. He's got hair, he's got wonderful hair of hair. He's very much like a technocratic centrist looking. He's Blair. Or Nick Clegg

Then it's Vladimir Leden Famously bald Then it's Stalin Hair Well Barry doesn't really count Because it was for like A week But he's bald

He's bald He's bald He's bald Then it's Malankov Then it's Khrushev bald Then it's Brezhnev hair Then it's Andropov bald Yeah

Then it's Chenenko hair Then it's Korbachev bald Then it's Yeltsin hair Then it's Vladimir Putin balding Then it's Medvedov hair Then it's Putin again balding

That's quite extraordinary Isn't it? So it means When Putin falls, he needs to be looking at, he, I can see Putin being so, um, kind of like paranoid that he kills anyone with hair to make sure that just kills all people with air to make sure that no one can take his face. Because the consistency of that is actually freaky. I guess with British prime ministers, you know, you don't have bald hairy. If you go back to like, uh, what, Callahan, uh, gay, Thatcher fit, major gay. Thatcher fit. Let me finish.

Major gay Blair fit Brown gay Cameron fit But then I think your idea of fit is so removed I'm trying to get to Liz Truss fit I've not counted this out I mean you've really yeah

You've botched yourself to a corner there When you're saying Thatcher fit Liz Truss don't Don't Google Liz Trust naked Charlie Put her in the Lorraine Kelly in the Sri Blair pile I'll tell you what Liz Truss will look great in. For names.

I'm Mrs. Incredible outfit. Do you know what I mean? Elastor girl. Yeah. I could see Liz Truss being Elastor girl. You could dress Liz Truss in a slice of parma ham and I'd be happy. Just drape some ham over her. Yeah.

What was it? What was it? What was the thing you said? I can't remember. Sounds like me. Anyway, look, we're hurtling. So Lenin makes this big speech. Now, we're going to have to.

It is interesting if you care. about this stuff, there's so much meetings. It is interesting if you care about it. Yeah. Well, that's not us. So we won't be able to go into a lot of the detail of what happens to the next couple of months, apart from one of the key things is Alexander Kerensky, who I think is one of the key figures who people don't know. Yeah, I didn't know him before. I didn't know at all about him. Basically, Kerensky is a very popular lawyer. He is quite charismatic. He's full head of hair. He's been in the Duma. Yes. Which is the, the dumber, it's the parliament. Yes, the sort of fake parliament that has no power

Yeah, they're just sort of Easy Bake Oven Parliament Have meetings, yes But how Korensky came out when I was reading about him He seems to have that sort of Nick Clegg sort of centrist feel to him Yeah He is a socialist revolutionary A hollow centrism

Yes, he is popular though And he basically is the least offensive candidate to all sides He's a socialist revolutionary but he's also moderate He is the only person to have a place on both the Petrograd Soviet And the provisional government And is he a Menshevik? I think, no, he's a socialist revolutionary, which is the biggest party, the socialists,

but it's kind of this quite disparate, unclear, vague. Are they the same as the parties of the Bolsheviks? No. Right. They're all socialist parties. Yeah. But there's so many different sects. Yeah.

There's the socialist revolutionaries. The socialist revolutionaries break into two halves, the right socialist revolutionaries and the left socialist revolutionaries, which are so different, they might as well be different parties. Yeah. Then there's the Mensheviks. Then there's the Bolsheviks. Then there's the Bolsheviks.

Then there's loads of others. It's chaos. Chaos. Not one clean bottom between. There's not one clean button to share. Not, well, they are. They're sharing one towel. That's why they've got dirty bottoms.

When does the policy come in that this should only use one piece of toilet paper and pass it around? I don't actually know. I think they had a lot of extensive meetings. A big meeting about it. Yeah, so it took a while. And there was a toilet break during the meeting. There was a lot. They didn't know what to do because it was like, the old rules.

They had to put it to a vote. Anyway, look. So, Kerenstki is very popular at first. And his story is kind of interesting. he becomes a minister of war and then goes to the front line and the people love him and he's given these really dramatic speeches he's a very flamboyant speaker he does these kind of like he's doing this tour of the front line where he's trying to get morale up yeah and he is so over the top that he will like faux faint a lot of the time like James brown yeah

you've seen those clips of James Brown so he's got like um he's got like a cloth and he's daven get the get the footage of James Brown that's what Korezzi's doing on the front Yeah, and he goes down and then someone comes around with a cloak And leads Kerenzky off and then Kerenzky throws a clock off It's like a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think what's interesting about Karenski is though he's quite a moderate, level-headed guy who hasn't made many enemies, I do think the...

Imagine Hitler doing that. I'd love to do that for Hitler. What? I'd love to be the guy that puts the cloak over Hitler as he's walking off. And he's like, gosh, blood! And it comes back in. That'd be great. Anyway, sorry, Kerensky's making these big speeches.

He's making these big speeches. Even though he's quite like a moderate common sense. seeming guy, it does seem the kind of running with power, the speeches, from what I'm getting from him, does sort of warp him a level. Doesn't he call himself Napoleon or is that someone else? Yes, I think so. He views himself as like the new, the Russia's Napoleon. Yes. Yeah. And he then, uh, on a wave of support actually, he announces, uh, the currency offensive. Is it a wave of support? Because I think, there's something we should talk about is the war is everyone hates the war.

Yes, but there's a march in Petrograd with people with pictures of Kerensky and supporting him. So there is support. Okay, fine, fine. Or this guy's going to sort us out. This guy's going to be the new leader. Obviously, there's people who don't support him.

He then launches the Kerensky offensive. And for a tiny bit it works. So there's a kind of boost of morale. Crenzzi's going to save the war effort. He's now having these ideas that he's not only a politician, a lawyer. He's going to be a great historic military leader. I think that's what's interesting about this whole story

is a lot of these figures so many of them could have been the people we talk about do you know what I mean? Like we only talk about Lenin because he ended up on top but there's all these figures who are it's so there's so many different permutations that could have happened.

Yeah. Sort of more, it's not inevitable at all. No. February is inevitable. Yes. It's inevitable that the Sardom would fall via a popular thing but everything else past that

it could have literally been anything. Is this the only time in history international woman today has actually done anything? Seemingly. because I can't remember one since where anything's changed I think it must be I like the idea

that there's someone at the back of the march going when's international men's day where's that when's international men's day can we have one are we having a revolution now okay fine no sorry for mine

maybe that's what kicked off a revolution yeah it's someone doing when is international men this is a disgrace there's women on the street when it's men's day why don't we get a day

Yeah, so the revolution started with International Women's Day and then pretty much no women are involved. That's the last women in the story until they're all the Romanobs get murdered. That's the last time I mentioned anyone. Anyway, the military offensive works for a little bit and then it completely collapses. The Germans are far better than the Russians.

Blot! And it is devastating on the front lines. There's so many deserters. There are full lines of people with machine guns. I don't even know if the Russians have machine guns who are mowing down deserters. so they have to set up a whole line of people

to mow down as a behind their own line they've set up machine guns to fire people running back it's the most Russian thing of all time yeah and they're all loving it

they've all won a competition it's Takeshi's Castle of suicide it's Russian Takeshi's Castle he's just running into machine gun fire Vladimir's castle and Craig Charles is commenting so okay so that's

that's June that's June and then with this sort of Pananoian... Has Lenin gone away again? Not yet. Not yet.

So, Lenin's still in Petrograd. Yeah. So basically, because of the collapse of the Crenzky offensive, this is seen as another brief window. They're all waiting their time. When is the time that we're going to launch the Bolshevik revolution?

Edging. Edging. Because you've got a nail. It's the hardest come ever. You've got to make sure that you're edging at the right point. What if it's one of those coms where you're like, oh no, no.

And then you're ruined it because you're thinking. You're like, you're trying to pull out of the wrong time and then you're like, oh no. and you just kind of like a cum that sounds like you fall, you know what I mean? A cum that sounds

like you've fallen down a well but instead it should be sound like you're skydiving. It should be like oh God like one of those ones when instead it should be you know

Oh no oh fuck and to be fair he fucked his come up who does the Bolsheviks because in this panamonia they organise armed demonstrations even though they're a minority

they've got the support of the workers and they've got the support of some sailors from the Kronstadt and they all launch a demonstration the revolution's about to start and it basically fails this is July. July. The July days the July days it's called and it's kind of

feels like the Bolsheviks are completely fucked it. It doesn't have enough support they've gone too early he's jizzed in the condom it's like before even going in and this is on the streets of Petrograd in these kind of the first week of July is fucking

all bets are off it's anarchy and it's just not organised well enough the provisional government still have even though they don't have much authority even though they're terribly run they still manage to suppress the uprising The one thing that the one part of the state that's still functioning is the Akrana, the secret police Yes so seemingly throughout all of Russian

history no matter how fucked the state ever is their secret police is always The one thing they're good at is secret police. Always poisoning people. It doesn't matter what's happened. Amazing. Incredible.

Yeah. All the way from the Strzzi to the Okrana to the KGB to... And people talk about like our police force, our secret services sort of going down the toilet. What we need to do is just completely ruin everything else. Stop everything else. Stop the NHS. Yeah.

Stop any kind of infrastructure. Yeah. Stop HS2. And then MI6 will take over the world. Yeah. Or we could rebrand the MI6 as the NHS. I imagine that's what our new service is called to kind of make them seem less intimidating.

So clapping for the NHS is clapping for MI6? The NHS got him. James Bond is a... Is Howard Shipman? He's got the NHS badge on. Oh, I see, right. But basically then after this, the government basically has a big clamp down all Bolsheviks.

They capture Trotsky, they throw him in jail. Lenin, who is also very good at escaping. God, Trotsky in jail is going to be unsufferable, isn't it? What do you mean? In jail, just with other people being like, I actually think... You're locked in with him. I think the biggest terrorist in the world

is actually the Rotten government. Yeah. I think George Bush is the number one terrorist in the world, actually. So there's few places you'd like to be less than stuck in jail with Trotsky. I just don't want to be anywhere near that guy. But locked in...

Locked in the cell with Trotsky. Fucking hell. You're permanently at a 5 a.m. kitchen. And he's just there like this. Just like, yeah, I'll tell you another thing. I don't think it's fair. I'll tell you what else is shit. Go on.

You heard a little place called Sudan. Yeah. Apparently that's a really bad at a moment. I don't actually know what's going on in Sudan. I just hear people talk about Israel going, why aren't they talking about Sudan? Yeah. Why aren't they? I don't know.

I mean, I've still got the French flag on my Facebook profile. Why would people stop doing that? Yeah. For the Bash clan. Right. We were back to the July days. Yeah, so Troy, Trotsky's in jail. Trotsky's been thrown in jail.

And his cellmate kills himself. Probably, probably. Probably. Probably. I don't know. I don't know. Probably kills himself. What the fuck happened here?

She was telling stories of 12 people with their brains blown up. The entire, all the dead in the Russian revolution is because drops you to one speech and everyone went, fuck this. And this is one of my favourite bits actually. Lenin managed to escape, has a daring escape. Obviously, the fruinal government, the Okraana, trying to kill him, right? And he puts a wig on.

I mean, he's bald, so that does a lot. He puts a clown wig on. He puts a raster wig on. Is that him? Yeah, look at this. He does look... It looks like a northern miner. He does look, yeah.

You're right. You don't understand what it's like doubt in the minds. No, I'm just trying to get out of Petersberg, mate. I want to go down Finland that, I reckon. Thatcher's closed, bitch. Oh, brilliant. My son's into ballet. I think he's a puff, but anyway...

Oh, you're the bloody puff, mate. This is... Lenin's face is saying you'll never be anything, son. Yeah, yeah. What are you going down to that, there, London? What do you mean you don't... What do you mean you don't support Man United? What are you on about?

What are you fucking about? What do you mean you want to watch the women's team? So he's got a raster wig with the hat on. Yeah, man. My name, not Lenin. My name Bob. And how he managed to escape is his friends who run the trains, managed to get him on a train.

What if instead of having banks, which is everyone just passed a joint, round a circle, like it's fair. Yeah, nationalize the pumpum. Yeah, guys, we've got a, Take the Pum-Pum into, out of private hands and into public ownership. Peace, land and bum-pum.

Right. So, sorry. So this is a good bit, actually. So he dresses up as a minor or a raster, whatever. He's got a raster wig on. And to get him on the train, he goes in as one of the train workers. So he's in the engine room. Right.

That's how he sneaks off, right? Shoveling coal. Apparently he puts an absolute shift in as well. Yeah. So this guy just, he fucking loves it. That wig's taking years off him, by the way. He really has. Yeah, he looks like.

Go on. He looks like the kid from adolescence. He does. What the fuck? Sort of, like an older version of... Anyway, sorry, so he's shoveling coal in the train. Yeah. And then he gets to Finland and he basically...

And is Finland... Sorry, Finland's not a country at this point. Finland's part of Russia or it's part of the empire, I think? Sort of, but it's still a concept. It's a... Right. It's part of the empire. Have you been to Finland?

Yes. It's not much of a concept. No. even now. What annoys me about Finland is when people say it's the happiest country in the world. It's fucking not.

It's fucking not. Sweden or Norway's happiest country in the world. Finland is the most depressed. They have about two hours daylight. You say personally or what the actual stats say? I went to Finland. I supported Doc Brown in Finland for one night and it was just the

it was the bleakest night. I mean, the gig was half sold. It's dark at fucking 3pm. Yeah, so I don't know how they're, calculating happiest country in the world because it's clearly they're just doing some stats like I don't know how fucking clean the energy is or whatever the country that invents the sauna there's a lot going on there yeah it's all what should we do today why don't we just fucking get in a hot room because that's going to be better than being outside in Finland the even the

benches are designed for loneliness and isolation in Finland they they have solo seat benches that face away from each other Jesus because it's such an isolated country like loneliness is so built into their culture they actually have benches so you don't have to look at a stranger, right? Yeah, like that's in Finland. Park benches made so you can just be on your own. Yeah.

What I find interesting with Finnish people, if you depend on the British people is we often get compared, we can be misunderstood that Finnish people are repressed or a lot of Northern Europeans are oppressed. They're not repressed, they're authentic. Yes. That's just who they are.

I feel British people are Italians in Finnish people's bodies. Do you know what I mean? I disagree. So it's like emotional people stuck in a repressed form. That's why British people are the way they are. If you speak to Danish people, Swedish people, Germans and Norwegians. Dutch.

Dutch. Yeah. They're actually very different because they're authentically being... They're frank. But they're just being cold because that's who they are. Yeah. Whereas I think British people are forcing themselves to be cold. And that's why we're so the way we are.

I say they force themselves to be warm when really they're cold. It's the other way around. We think we're trying to be Italian, which is what manners are. Right. We're really, we're Dutch. Do you think? Yeah. Okay.

Because I feel like British people are hyper emotional, but it's just, we just completely beat it out ourselves. Whereas you speak to a Dutch person or a Finnish person, there's nothing there. They're just like that, and it's who they are. Whereas I think us, it's the awkwardness, the embarrassment is because it's bubbling under the surface, so much emotion with nowhere for it to go. I think the ugliest woman I've ever seen was in Finland. Could have been Lenin.

another one of his guys. Couldn't be Lenin with some fake tits on. Bobbing around again. Ding! Yeah. Because, I mean, we've both toured this great country of ours, so we've had a real safari

of some of the biggest honkers in the world. Don't get me wrong. I've been on a great, I'll go tour of the UK. I spent all a lot. In, in Bournemouth's pretty bad. Pool, pool scores high. I just think across all metrics, I think you're either looking at Stafford

or you're looking at Stocktonontees. Stockton on Tees or Portsmouth is... There's no cock teased and Stockton on Tees? No. The cock is not teased. Cock flop. Cockflop. Stockton on flop.

Yeah, Cockton on flop. Yeah. So you'd say it's a race between Stockton on Tees and where, sorry? No, I think Stafford. Stafford, that's doing Stafford to service. Stafford's fine. Stockton is bad. Stockton's really, really, really bad.

Across four metrics. health happiness ugliness Stockton is bad but I want to hear me about this ugly woman you met in Finland what was it

what did she look like she was she was in the hotel she worked to the hotel and I just remember you ever see so you know when you see someone

really strikingly beautiful across the street and you just kind of you stare and then you just kind of you just remember them you remember them you shout

witch whew remember them and you just sort of you know you can still remember just sort of random gorgeous people that you've seen. Yeah, they come up in your dreams that yeah, yeah, they wove into the fabric of your... Well, there's an inverse of that where you're so horrifically ugly,

you guys still think about that, wouldn't it? God, you look like a fridge. Anyway, we should leave it with... Let's finish the story of Lenin in Finland. Yeah, so... Because this is amazing, what happens? Lenin escapes to the woods of Finland into like a sort of log cabin, isolated.

The only communication... he has obviously he's raring to go he's desperate to come back hard as nails Lenin is driven by two things which I don't think is necessarily consistent with all revolutionary some are like martyrs some are like reckless yeah he obviously wants revolution to happen but he's also very terrified he's going to be killed so he's very like yeah very careful about his death he's not reckless with it at all no he gets sent copies of the pravda is the only way that he keeps up to date with things and then every time he finds out what's happening he writes pages upon pages he sat there

in his log cabin, sat on a log just furiously right in that manifesto. Is there a schedule for logs? What do you mean? Like there was on the train? Is there a schedule for he's doing logs? Well, he's only one person.

Of course, right. He's probably still scheduling it. He's still scheduling it. He's like, you've got to be fair. But then do you want to tell this story of the... Yeah, so he's in this log cabin and swimming in lakes, whatever. And eventually out of the kind of woods,

staggers this Cossack, I think, soldier. and he just sort of comes up and I mean this is sort of what would happen the other twelfth century just a guy would come out of the woods be like oh fuckin hell I'm fucking I'm thirsty but can I have a drink a lemonade

or something yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't know if he just frankly gets the wig on or anything he's like yeah man yeah man what you're talking mud and he lets him in and then he goes what are you doing out here and the cost of like well we're looking for this cun called Lenin

yeah he's boring old cunt called lemon he's bored he wouldn't be you because you're not bald you're not bald and you sound Jamaican he's not Jamaican he's from somewhere in Russia but anyway if you see him I guess let us know but he comes in for a drink he entertains him for a bit they chat for like 20 minutes and he goes anyway thanks so much mate and he's like I'm pretty sure the Lening guy he's like way over there anyway and then so that's when Lennon realizes he needs to change location again but again you know you think of the margins of history if I if he'd thrown

some cheese on his head then he'd lost all credibility throw cheese on whose head? Sorry, the Cossack had thrown a slice of cheese in Lennon's head. What would have happened? Well, Lennon couldn't have carried on. You've been humiliated. In front of one person? Yeah.

That would have been enough. No, but you can't live with yourself if you've been... Right, right, right. If you're bald and someone throw some cheese in your head... It would affect his view of himself, his own aura. He goes, I can't lead a revolution. I've got fucking chish. I can't even...

I can't even keep my bald head free of slices of cheese. Who am I to lead a revolution? Carrancy becomes Prime Minister and we'll leave it at this, which is one of my favourite parts of it. This is when it's... So that's a really ramp up. We'll leave off here. Kerensky's Prime Minister.

We are in August, 1917. The next episode, and if there is a second one, I don't know. But the final parts of the episodes, they're all on the Patreon already. And there's lots of fun bonus stuff on there if you want to join. But if not, thank you for stopping by. And we shall see you next time. Goodbye. Thank you.