Fin vs History - Trust The Italians to Rediscover Porn | The Renaissance Part 1: Italy

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

If the dark ages were the straightest period in history, then the renaissance is when Europe turned gay, led by - who else - but the Italians The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit TD.com slash small business advice to find out more or to match with a TD small business banking account manager. Welcome back to Finn versus history Beside me is Horatio He's gone early He's gone early I've jumped the gun a little bit there With a big long high

Horatio, that's Horatio Gould And now, listen, we've had a lot of fun on this podcast recently But that has to stop Yeah It's time to eat you're green It stops today. This is serious.

This is serious now. In the last few weeks, you've had Iranian Revolution, you've had scientific racism, you've had a fortnight on the Nazis. Stop messing about. Stop messing about. This is a serious. Lives are at stake with this one. This one is serious. Please, stop joking around.

Today we're talking about the Renaissance. A little bit less lighthearted than last week. Yes. None of this kind of Holocaust frills. Can you really make jokes about the Renaissance? I don't think you can. I think it's too heavier topic

and I think I think the whole I think this whole podcast will crumble this week the Renaissance just too many people care too much

about what happened during the Renaissance yeah you know it's not like the Holocaust I don't think the Renaissance happened

you're a Renaissance denial really what Renaissance I reckon it was like three paintings some I reckon I read about three paintings

listen if the last few weeks we've been throwing red meat to the base the fan base this week it's time time to eat some tofu, all right. Really, really grim, wet, slimy tofu. We've gone through

the Rust Bell and now we're going to the swing states. Yeah. And we're just trying to what, or maybe go to the, you know, the states are against us. Yeah, exactly. We know we're not going to win, but we've got to go there anyway. We can't give up on democracy. We're talking about the Renaissance. This is perilously close to art history, which is, you know, to give it its proper name, lesbian history. Interesting. So not gay history. No, no, no, lesbian history. Impenetrable, Both art history and lesbians They don't want... Did you mean that when you said it?

Yes, yes, I did. Yes, that's why it's lesbian history. Everyone I know who's an art historian is a lesbian. Admittedly, they all wear Doc Martins Yes. And they go to New Cross. Yeah, they, what is it, Goldsmiths?

Goldsmiths, yeah. The history of art, who, from a straight male perspective, who gives a shit? Well, I'm a little bit fruitier, so I actually quite like art history. I don't really like art. In general. You were bad at art at school, won't you?

Very bad. I am very bad at art in general. I'm bad at making art. I'm bad at looking at art and something... I imagine you're terrible at drawing. So bad at drawing. So Dominic Sambrook's bad at art. My other co-host, Andrew's bad at art.

There's a lot of people you could just tell that you are shit at drawing. Yeah. Do you know what I can do is that you know that trick where it's the only thing I remember from art is where you draw a brick wall and you draw a guy with a big nose looking over a brick wall?

Yeah. You can do that. I do that really well. And it blows my toddler's mind every time. She's like, how have you done that? In many ways, it's like the Renaissance when they've forgotten how to draw 3D. Yeah, the first guys

to do it, it was easy because they had you know, what they had to compare it to was rubbish. Yeah, exactly. I'm in the dark ages artistically, still. I've not reached my renaissance of art. It said that Caravaggio was a creep, a paedophile, to be precise, the kind who lurked near schoolyards.

Right, Charlie, you've jumped the gun quite a bit, Charlie, just googling artists and paedophilia. Yeah, I can't draw, can you draw? I'm all right it's much more conceptual I've got a good imagination I got a bad penmanship

I'd say your imagination needs to be rained in I think probably dangerous imagination I think however good at parking you are is how bad conceptual art you are

I would completely agree I'm fucking excellent at parking I'm very good at parking and not only that I'm very good at telling women if they would I'm asking them

if they'd like me to park it for them are you as I'm very good at that you're doing a slow hand clap when a woman parks no what I do do is like I do mark my wife's work is that she'll she's less confident

driving but um i wonder why good reason good reason because i won't let her down sometimes it's like two feet from the curb and i'm like do you do you want to white van man to scrape the side of our of our bright blue cash car is that what you want to happen it's going to happen two feet from the curb what's that now i don't even know how to drive she fucking she sometimes she just goes she just parks at the other end of the road she goes no i can't get in there it's like two spaces yeah she could have gone in front end yeah well yeah i was very much a kid who wasn't told uh no creatively. Right, I see, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, crayons on the wall. Yeah, no. Yeah, no, we put us up to that pretty quick. So, yeah, so art doesn't do much for you. Now, parking history, the history of parking, that's something, that's a straight male topic. Is there any sort of painting that has moved you? Have you been moved by a painting?

I tell you what, I'll tell you what happened this week. On Wednesday night, Amanda was out, my wife was out, and I thought, well, this is a good chance to, Charlie's just Google what the gayest painting in the Renaissance was. They're all gay, Charlie. Yeah, this is, Renaissance is the re-gaying of the world, really, isn't it?

True, it was straight for a long time. Because the Romans and Greeks, gay. Yeah. And then it got, it was straight for ages. The straight ages, the dark ages. The Black Death, that's straight as fuck. Nothing straighter than everyone dying. Then the Renaissance, people get gay for a bit.

Yeah. Then you have the restoration, which is full gay, cocks out in the mouth. That's as gay as it got. And then the Victorians there, let's put it back in, rain it back in World War II. It's never been better to be straight than in World War II. And then it started getting gay straight after World War II. And we're still in the tail end of the gay times.

Yeah, I'm really, really waiting for the next big swing back to straight. COVID, that's quite straight. I guess that was quite straight, yep. Stay indoors, not go outside. No, no, don't want to do anything, thanks. Just for sterile. Aesthetically, it's not very, woo-woo. No, no, it's not.

The streets are empty. The theaters are closed. It's pretty straight. No nightclubs, straight, please. I'll just like to sit indoors and just stare at a wall, just, you know, see out my time on this planet. Are we allowed to see five other people? This is brilliant. Brilliant.

Absolutely ideal. For a straight man. I only like that people. I've only got two friends. I only see them once every 10 years. Yeah. It means now I don't have to awkwardly, do I shake her hand? Do I hug her?

None of that. None of that. I just go, no thank you. Keep you distance. Keep you distance. So are you saying? I was saying, so Wednesday night, my wife was out and I thought, well, this would be a good, given that we're recording on Friday. I'll watch a documentary about the Renaissance

and one thing led to another and I ended up just watching Zulu for like the 10th time. What a film. What a brilliant film. First line. Second line. Third line. What a great film. Loved it. Work of genius. Michael Kane's first film. Brilliant.

Was it just, they said My hand slipped. The history of art and you're like, fuck this. Let's go. Let's go back to the good old days. I searched Renaissance documentaries on YouTube and then my hand slipped to Apple TV. It slipped again to press rent for £3.49 and then it slipped and press play. And then Zulu was playing and I was having

a lovely time. Yeah, this is like you're trying to say, you cheat on your wife, you're trying to explain it. Yeah. Baby, I thought it was you. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, then I, as ever after watching Zulu, I went on the Wikipedia page for Rorke's Drift and there's a painting of Rorke's Drift and I found that very moving. Right. Given that I just watched Zulu. Right. So you like the paintings where if they didn't, because they didn't have cameras, they're just drawing what happened. Yes, exactly. Yeah. A bit like that Ken Burns, Dr. The Civil War documentary. Right, yeah.

But I found that very tough. Yeah. I couldn't get into that. Yeah, that was like, Ken, right, someone hasn't said no to Ken for a while. He's, he's been let off the handle a bit. Just a slow zoom on some paintings. It's like, Ken, you don't have to make it as boring as possible.

To be honest, I think the last couple of weeks, there has been too much information. There's been too much information. So this one's going to be really, it's going to be up there with the Greek episodes as some of our worst ones yet. Well, it's just that I don't really know what to do with it. I go to a museum and I go to a museum, and I look at something.

Well, it's just like it's like you're late in sexuality. You don't know what to do with it. It doesn't make me feel anything. And then I think, what am I missing something? Yeah. And I see other people staring at it. Yeah. And I just think I could Google image this.

Do you agree with this? I totally agree. I feel like going to museum, I could, if you say it's Titian, right, I could just Google image Titian, get it up big, and I've seen it. Right. I tell you what, the real fucking big ones, the ones that are like, I don't know, 10 meters across. Yeah.

I'm like, well, that's a big painting. Because you can't really see that on Google Images. No, I'm like, that's, I'm glad I came out for that. That's big. Like Gernica, that's a whole fucking wall, basically. Yeah, but as you've described, that's in a Patreon episode, I think, that we did the Nazi, Gernica, like, I mean, what the fuck's going on in that page? That's like wingdings.

But what we said was that everyone said this is this great, amazing depiction of the... So moving, and you go, what the fuck, it's like a horse's head in the corner, there's We thought that he didn't actually paint Gernica. They just thought it was Gernica. And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what I was meaning to do. Yeah, yeah, he just, yeah. Right, yeah.

No, it was that. It wasn't me just going to. It's like, oh, that's when they got bombed, I reckon. Yeah, no, I don't really know what's going on with art in the modern day. So the Renaissance. The modern day is starting to take the piss now. Yeah. I don't think we looked back upon as a great period for art.

Well, it seems, you know, again, I don't like the conceptual stuff. And it's the, it's the classic thing. that people who don't understand art says are I could have done that and they are idiots but they are also right. There'll be a BBC there'll be something like the Today program and the winner of the Turner Prize is a woman who's done a shit on the floor or something.

That's the new winner you know what's the name Tracy Emmon? Oh it's a bed, it's a sofa It's a dirt. Woman with the dirtiest bottom of the That's basically what the Turner Prize is just a woman who's done the biggest turd on the national gallery So some

I guess how I would How I judge it if an art's good or not, because the conceptual stuff, it's like, how do we even know? Does it make you feel a strong emotion, I guess, that isn't boredom, right? Yes. Because it's hard to conceptualize. I saw the Mona Lisa in the Louvre when I was,

I must have been a teenager on like a school trip. And it's behind so much glass. You know those kids at school with the really thick glasses made their eyes look massive. Yeah. That's what the Mona Lisa's got. Right. When it was like a speckin kid.

It's so small. You're so far away. I had a real visceral sense of being ripped off in that I was like really this is the thing this is it I'd still remember we'll talk about this today I don't understand why it's the most famous painting ever

I guess it's the most recognisable painting you've seen it memed there's shit tourist t-shirts with it on yeah so when you actually see it it's more like just getting a glimpse of like a trashy celebrity isn't it sort of it's like a paparazzi photo yeah I don't know

oh my god that's the Daniel Westbrook oh fuck I grew up watching that oh it's her She's got no septum because she does so much coat. Right. Oh, yeah. It's good to see in real life. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah, she has got a big nostril in real life. This is my favourite painting. Charlie, what on earth's that? I saw it in Athens. I don't really know what it is. Is this you doing lucid dreaming where you draw what your dreams are? Is that a big poo coming out of a boy? It's a little cowboy and he's lissuing a kind of little boy's Willie.

Pretty cool. That's quite inappropriate, Charlie. Does it move you? Yeah, I guess it makes it feels like that. It moves me to want to fire you. so should we talk about the renaissance every time we've had our fun we've had our fun what's really fucking annoying about this topic and what makes it quite impenetrable much like a lesbian as phid would say well they like being penetrated by plastic yeah like that's the strange thing

is that do you know what I mean it's like we're not single use plastic right no no no they're fair environment I mean lesbians are probably the most environmentally friendly people there are because they don't reproduce, which is environmentally very unfriendly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The most environmentally friendly thing you could do is either kill yourself or be a lesbian. Right, and straight men kill themselves the most. So that's, I guess that's... Because we care about the environment. That's what Greta wants us to do. So what annoyed me about this topic is listen to every podcast, every expert on the Renaissance, likes to say that it doesn't exist or have a hot take about it or says

that everything that we know about it is wrong but then they say something completely different did you find that it's always like well they said it started in Florence but actually started in Germany oh you think it's like the European golden age but in China it was better and it's Western imperialism better better better better

they did great actually it wasn't a dark actually the best time ever when they're all pig shit dying the black death I mean the main research I did seem to suggest that the race was happened in Natal colony in the in the the sort of late 19th century and wave after wave of these awful, terrifying warriors with their short spears were being bravely gunned down by beautiful uniforms. Oh my God, don't get

me going. Oh, I love it. I mean, we are going to do an episode on this, so we should keep our powder dry. Keep the powder dry. What I'll say is I've already started researching it and I had a lovely time. Anyway, back to this nonsense. So the Renaissance is generally considered, as you said. We're doing it in the... Let's talk about it as if it's a real thing. The general view, like the child's view of it, is no one knew anything, everyone was thick, they'd forgotten everything.

And then they're like, oh, remember the Romans and the Greeks? And there's this huge flourishing of painting architecture. Yeah. And kind of led to like a golden age around Europe and eventually led to the European dominance on the world stage, right? But then, yeah, a lot of nerd saying, you know, actually... There's a lot of wokeery to the Renaissance, saying we shouldn't quote.

call it that. We should call it the early modern period. Early modern, yeah, that's something. It's like just, yeah, can we just leave it, is it? The statues are nicer. No one knows when it started. No one, it was good. Like, probably, they probably were better art than they were before. Let's just admit that. It probably was some of the best art. Yeah, because the towns that,

you know, actually, you know, in South America, they had, no. Yeah, it's not the call the fucking Brazilian Renaissance, is it? No. It's not all everyone's got a big bottom now. So I guess where you could say it's done, this is also coming off the back of the black death, basically. um so COVID death of color come on you can't call it that anymore the death of color

um so yeah it's i guess i guess COVID after COVID we could have a new Renaissance yeah but that the equivalent would be like this podcast influences being the michael angelo of their day yeah like munya chihuahua paint to the inside of St. Paul's cathedral with content with content with reels he projects his reels onto the he projects his reels onto the inside of St. Paul's cathedral yeah That would be the equivalent. So kind of the starting point, which is highly contested, but that's boring as hell, by a guy called Petrarch, who's a crowned poet laureate in Rome.

He found some letters, old letters, written 1,400 years earlier by Cicero. Yes. Roman philosopher. And it was writing about the fall of the Roman Republic. And he was like, he then went into a YouTube wormhole, hyperfixating. Yeah, the algorithm just like took him down this path of Roman and Greek stuff. And this is in the 1300s. Yes.

Do you want to place this for us? Right. So this is in the late 1300s. So this is after the invention of the jerkin. Yes. Which is, remind me what that is again. It's some sort of clothing. Right.

When was the jerkin invented? You fucked it. It's before the jerkin the jerkin. Fuck. But jerkins are invented during the Renaissance. Yeah. Fuck. Right.

So it's before the invention of the jerkin. Yeah. And after, it's after the invention of the shoe buckle. Right. The shoes have buckles. Let's see, let's see, because it's another. Ah! You're beyond, fuck this.

Mid-17th century. Mid-17th. Fucking hell. Give yourself. You're running these so tight recently. No, I'm getting cocky with it. You are. Yeah.

Because also I don't plan them beforehand. I have to just pull that my ass. Okay. So this is. Do you want to give it a go? Right. Thirteen hundreds. This is after the invention of the sundial, people are telling time with the sundial.

Does that have a look? Yeah. Right, right, right. I mean, that's 1,500 BC. That's a big net. Exactly. It places it perfectly for the listener. So after they mention the sundial, but before the invention of the wristwatch.

Yes. Yeah. So. Before the invention of the iPhone. The 1868, Patech-Philippe, which is one of the great, you know, if you're into vintage watches, that's Pattec-Leap. So it's before 1868, and it's. after 2,000 BC. Exactly.

People at home will be so grateful for placing this perfectly in the time period. You know that time period between 1500 BC and 1868? That's what we're dealing with here. That's your renaissance. That's my relationship.

It's Middle Ages. I see it. Everything else is, yeah. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap,

Biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's Taxes Extra. So this guy Petrarch, he's knocking about in northern Italy, I think. Yeah. And we should talk about how the reason the Renaissance comes about is because Italy is not Italy. No, it's city states. It's city states. Florence, Milan, Venice, Kingdom of Naples.

I mean, it's big cities that are kind of ruled by tyrants, basically. And like mayors. Like how Tucker Carlson thinks to D.D. Khan is running London. That's what 15, 14th century is here. You speak out against him and you'll be dragged out and beaten in the streets. Paddington's been hanged and his marmalade sandwich. It's ridiculous. Marmalade sandwich has been the...

They killed Paddington. They hung him outside Buckingham Pellas. He didn't want to be made trans. They made Paddington trans. The Carl sort of pieces of that. I think there's something to like the right wing intellectual having a high-pitched voice. Yes. I don't know what it is.

Ben Shapiro is the op. Yeah, you've got a lot of these days. But then left-wing intellectuals are just fucking incomprehensible. Like Zizek and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just Christ, just like a bear having a mental breakdown. Yeah, Peter's a message Zhek. Oh, Christ, turn it off.

It was a real argument for centrism, wasn't it? Yes, yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah, well, you know, they should send them all back. Give me Rory Stewart any day of the week over either of those two. Fucked her. Rory. What's so interesting. Alistair.

It's like his personality is from an escape his effect. Yes. When I was a member of the Taliban, he's always about to come, isn't he?

Politely, sorry, I'm just going to... Yeah, he's the guy who doesn't stop talking about his gap here. That's Rory Stewart. Yeah. We get it. You were in Afghanistan for 15 minutes, lad.

Hey, do you know what, Rory? You ever thought about getting a fucking cab? I'll walk from London to Afghanistan. Idiot. Yeah, the hardest skis are most boring. Gies are more like... You've heard a lift. Anyway, listen.

What are we talking about? We're in Florence. We're in Florence. We're floundering in Florence. We're in Florence. Now, have you ever been to Florence? I want to, but I haven't. It's a third world country.

I was there in September. Tucker Carlson now, I was... No, but I was there. The Medici's, since they've stopped running it, it's... It's gone down and it's in the toilet. It is. I, when I was the best man at a wedding in... Cuscony, we tried to get back from Florence, there was some rain, and the airport just leaked water into like the shops.

Italians were screaming. It was like the Titanic. Right, right, right, right. And then they basically cancelled every flight out of Florence. Well, it's raining. It's raining. Yes, exactly. So, it's raining in September. It's not safe to fly.

No, of course it's not. You can't fly in the rain. You're mad. What are you? Protestant. Then the entire airport, so like thousands of people, are queuing for one. taxi rank and it's a Sunday night right so Sunday obviously Sunday

they're too busy eating their grandmother's pasture or whatever looking out their mum or whatever they're doing just like mum used to make it right cab drivers cab drivers are pulling up seeing the size of the queue and going nah just fucking off

every third cab driver goes no I can't be off a queue of a thousand people in a rainstorm just waiting to get in a cab it's the Mediterranean they They did have spent all their energy in this period. I know. It's a third world country.

And this period, it was a first world country. That's why... But they're so exhausted from all this shit. I know. And now they're just like, oh, fuck it. That's why it's like Britain now.

We did all our work in the 1900s, 1800s, 1900s. And now we're just sort of on the... We're a second world country now, I'd say. So, we're in Florence. Yeah. And Petroch find to mold letters.

He officates on the Romans and the Greeks. And it kind of begins... Rebirth of interest. Yeah. And there's all... Also, we should talk about the Medici family, who are, I guess, would you call them like Mediterranean Rothschilds? Yeah.

In that they're like a sort of banking dynasty. Yeah, the history of the mafia, you can see, it can be linked back to... Do you think? Well, this style of the way that they ran it. Protection racket. Yeah, exactly. I mean, literally, I went to Naples. We parked the car and someone said, um, 15 euro per protection.

Really? And we're like, protect from who? From me? Yeah, I punch your car If you're not being 15 euro All I really know about the Medici Is Assassin's Creed 2 Are they in Assassin's Creed 2?

Yeah, they're the big bad guys In Assassin's Creed 2 I thought that was the Templars Yeah, but that's like the overall thing Oh right They're implying that all bad guys Are part of the Templars in history They haven't done a Nazi's Assassin's Creed

No, they've done a Victorian London one But they need to do a Nazi one They should do a Nazi one Yeah, of course they should that would be great because imagine the villains and the Nazis that's the best villains

I'll advertise it for free and then the assassin's Jewish that's unbelievable that's unbelievable break into the camps and you're like you're doing like that off of like the watch tower

that would be unbelievable and you're like blending in with all the all the striped pajamas and then you kill Hitler at the end yeah that would be who makes

is it Activision who makes what are you trying to up Ubisoft it's not rock star is it it's Ubisoft they should make a gta nazis nazi gta right who which side would you be on nazis right nazis pre 1941 okay well

is it nazis in poland it's like crystal nazi just smashing up shit oh christ uh anyway look stop stop having fun listeners this is serious can be stopped for a minute laughing yeah about the people painted in this era for christ's sake this is serious several people painted it's not funny at all Medici they're bankers and a lot I guess one of the currents

of the Renaissance starting is that there's a lot more trade routes Italy is the Silk Road which has been running successfully for thousands of years and the centre of the world has all been in kind of the Middle East

Islamic Golden Age China when it hits Europe properly it all goes through Italy the reason why the Italian cities are so rich like Venice you know in northern Italy

Genoa and all that is because the trade that's the first route that all of these goods from the east will come through so lots of this new merchant class appears as opposed to have been this kind of really feudal thing who just have like aristocrats knights peasants now you're having

this kind of new middle class who are new money as well and I try to show their wealth it's new money trash yes let's let's paint a big fucking naked boy on the sea yeah I mean it's the equivalent isn't it like a footballer's house

exactly but it's as if footballer's house the trashy thing to do was fun of flourishing the arts you know but it was a different time because now it's just buying like a like a new build mansion right yeah yeah and a rolex

but instead it's like if Wayne Rooney commissioned like I don't know Tracy Emmett to do a shit on the floor I mean with his sexual habits he'd probably he'd probably pays for that behind doors. You probably bash Tracy Edmund.

She's a granny, isn't she? Yeah, he loves it. Medici is a banker. They're bankers. And money lending is a sin at this point. Yes. So they do... And it's part of the reason why

Jewish people historically have done money and lending is because they've been forced to do it. Right, but in Italy, Jewish people are doing it because the Catholic Church has said it's a sin. So Christians aren't doing it. Yeah. So Jews are lending money. Yeah.

Maybe. Yeah, yeah. But the Medici, they get around it somehow by, I think, spending their money rather than lending it to people, they go, well, let's, we really like art. I think the first Medici is a big,

big Ponzi art guy. So they're sort of arts washing. Basically, yeah, like the Saudis. Yeah. So Medici, I think they start in Florence, I think. One of the first things they do is that in Florence, they build a massive cathedral,

but no one knows how to do a dome. Right. So they've left the dome of Florence Cathedral just open because people have forgotten how to build shapes. but they used to be able to do domes in the Roman Yes but no one knows how anymore So they start a competition Which I think Medici must fund

To build a dome for Florence Soggy Biscuit It's a Yeah There's a big game of soggy biscuit And then at the end they're like I don't this assault anything Yeah right

It's actually a knockout round So it's really brutal Really brutal Oh he's still got to fix that dome Oh no I feel we need to try a different competition What do you mean I haven't won What I'm just through to the round of 16

fucking hell. I've got this four more times. I've got to win. Match play soggy biscuit. Brutal. Well, it should be knockouts.

You just keep, they just keep taking one person off at a time. But I reckon it should be like the Davis Cup or the Ryder Cup and that we should have Europe versus America

soggy biscuit. But in pairs. You're in pairs. Yeah. Yeah. I think we do quite well. Anyway, stop, listen.

Stop this. Serious. There's cathedral that adorn here, for Christ's sake. Stop making stupid jokes. The rain might come in. The rain might come in. come in. They might have to close the

fucking cathedral. Abandon all flights because there's rain. So, Florence Cathedral doesn't have a dome and then they have a competition. The scaffolding's not allowed for some reason. Right. So they have to build a machine to get stone or whatever

that high. Right. This is one of the, I think this is one of the central first big things. And you can climb it in Assassin's Creed too. Yeah, I mean, Assassin's Creed too. You can fly off it and stuff. It's pretty sick. Would you say this is the first Renaissance architecture, maybe? This is 1419, a guy who wins the Soggy Biscuit competition,

Filippa Brunelzsch, Brunelsky, Brunelsky, Brunelsky, hey, I'm walking here. Don't touch my Brunelsky. Yeah, Brunelsky, he starts designing the dome, and he, it takes like 20 years, he builds a little, like a winch machine, like a crane, and there's like it's... It's like a catapult, but...

Yeah, but it's got stone, attached to a string and that that's lifting things up and then so it's like it's like a pretty this is nothing's been done like this before it's sort of amazing engineering there's a lot of engineering in the Renaissance I guess um because before this I don't know what are they doing to build stuff I think they're just getting mud off the floor and then just fucking patting it yeah is this uh is this house mud or food mud is it food mud right I'll eat that and then I'll just slap it on yeah so this is the um the era of uh inventions yes um because I think one of the central things that they rediscover is,

is it called Vanishing Horizon Perspective? Yes. Do you want to explain what that is for people who have mortgages? You'd set a horizon in the background and then you can have like a sense of scale and perspective, so three-dimensional paintings. So when I draw, I can't draw vanishing horizon perspective. If you look at the bio tapestry, for example, that's just 2D, it's flat, everyone's flat Stanley.

That's how I draw. That is just every... That's how I draw. I'm drawing the biotapestry. And then they understand, because of this new birth of not just... Just arts, but engineering and kind of understanding of space and construction. I think that's also helped them understand the perspective. And I guess people will be thinking, well, why did people forget this for a thousand years?

It's because when Rome fell to the barbarians, everyone fled to Constantinople. Yes. And the Holy Roman Empire moved east. Constantinople, they're still like doing stuff. But in Europe, all that knowledge basically disappeared. And then in 1453, which is a bit later, it's after the cathedral. So the Renaissance has definitely already started. It also gets another boost because Constantinople falls to the Ottoman.

And then all of their scholars and knowledge. Yes, please. Yes, please. Yes, my friend. Chili garlic. Anybody next please? Anybody, yes, please. They flee to Italy.

So there's a huge swaps engineering for kebabs. Yes. And then it's when they start to combine those that you get Donomi and the big tourney thing. Yeah. So the main Medici guy, So the family is like for generations, they're bankrolling this new interest in buildings and very boring art. Yeah. But Lorenzo Di Medici, who's called Lorenzo the Magnificent, he is a patron of the art.

Yeah. Everyone in Florence, in Genoa, in wherever, Verona, they all have rich people, patrons who are funding artists to do mad shit. And then it's kind of the competition. the artists are basically they're just following the money and they're like who can give me the most money to do the most outrageous shit

and the person who paid for it it's seen as like a flex so Lorenzo de Medici he starts a sculpture school in his garden basically Lorenzo de Medici is like sort of Arson Venger in that he's investing in this sort of youth

youth squad yeah and yeah they've got a class of 92 feel about them actually this squad that come up yeah yeah it's like once in a judge

generation. Right, right, right, right. Like, Botticelli, Body smelly. I mean, that's a silly name. You can't be called Betty Shelley. Body Shelley. And it's not funny because it's so important. This painting, someone painted this for Christ's sake. For Christ's sake. Why that smirk off your face? This is a serious painting. This is epochal. If you're listening on Spotify, switch to video. This is the most important painting in painting's history. Is it? I don't fucking know. It's this and the Andy Warhol bake bean can. That's what we're talking about here. Now, the reason this is important is that there's a horizon.

Right. People didn't, they weren't able to do. Yeah. Up until this point, everything had been about churches. All paintings have been about churches. Mm-hmm. Or religion. This is one of the first paintings that's taken inspiration from antiquity.

Mm-hmm. The Greek myths. Venus. And also, she's nude. Right. She's got a kit off. So it's like a pit off. page three, when that first...

The Renaissance could also be sort of understood as the birth of porn. Right. Well, porn drives technology, does it not? Exactly. Well, it's the rebirth of porn. It's the rebirth of porn. Romans and Greeks were doing it. That's the porn era, and then the dark ages where there was no porn.

And then... Well, so what Patriot did is he found an old dusty zoo mag. Yeah, in the woods. In the woods. It was like, fuck. Oh, my God. In the...

They did what? They did what? They did what? Guys. Guys. I've got an idea. And that collides with the printing press. They're like, fuck, we've got to disseminate this.

We've got to spread this around. It doesn't collide with the printing press. I bet they're like, well, we've got to find out a way to make this. I'm hand copying this porn. This is devastating and slow. We've got to just get this out quickly. For a thousand years, no porn. They're just sitting and they're going, oh, I don't want to change anything.

What's the point? Yeah, I'll just keep drawing. This is fucking boring as hell. Then tits come in. It's like, we need to fucking invent like a machine to print it out. And then, you know, because I can't do quick enough. And then we all do it. And then you can get like thousands of thousands of tips.

We send that out to everyone. Yeah. The Gutenberg printing press is essentially, it's a jazz mag factory. Yeah, yeah. Because before this, they'd only be able to do 2D tits. Right.

And this is the first time. You need to find out a way that we can have perspective. Yeah, so the nipples there and the tits there. Because if you have a two-dimensional tit, then you don't get to see the kind of hole. Exactly. Yeah. So,

birth of Venus, for those listening, she's a pale, milky pale. Yeah. He's got a long hair that's covering her rat. Yeah. Venus is rat Yeah, no wonder lesbians like art history Oh well, exactly, this is my point

We're now getting more lesbians listening to this Than we probably ever will again Just reckon with that It's terrifying thought, isn't it? So what happens The other thing that happens in this time The printing press starts in the, Was it the mid-15th century?

Is it 1436? I think it's about, yeah, it's mid-1400 I think 1436 is imprinted on my brain From the school as the printing press And this essentially changes people's relationship to religion Because no one can read at this point Right, everyone's a thick, thick, ugly cubs. I don't like them off.

They're all thick, ugly cubs, right? And so... I'm sure some of them are very nice. No, they're all thick and ugly. And basically it's the church telling them to do what is in the Bible. Yeah. Go, don't do that. Well, this is a huge amount of what Protestant Reformation was about.

Exactly. This is the least the Reformation. But then they start printing Bibles and so people can actually get their hands on the Bible and then people who can read go, oh, it doesn't actually say any of the stuff about indulgences or paying you money. sucking you off, sucking you off. And then Martin Luther nails something to the door saying,

says, I have a dream. I have a dream to make this church even more boring. One day, little black boys, little white boys, they'll all be fucked by priests. They'll be judged by the tightness of their batty, not by the color of it.

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My point is that suddenly nudity in paintings becomes a thing because the church is power over people is starting to weaken. So this is why in the 14th century onwards, 15th century onwards maybe, paintings are just nudes. Because it is the birth of porn. So you've got Botticelli,

Raphael. The School of Athens, so this is recreating. Oh, that's true. The teenage mutant ninja turtles are all named after a Nauton's painter. Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael. And is there a Michelangelo? And who's the rat called? Is he called fucking Splinter?

Who's that? I'm Splinter. No, no, I mean, which painter was Splinter? Oh, that's not. No, no, I don't think it was a big rat. I think there was a big rat. Splinter's the name of Venus's rat. Oh, Christ.

Right, so this is... That's Plato speaking to Aristotle. Plato's pointing to the sky because he thinks you should be able to work things out with your eyes closed. And Aristotle's pointing to the ground because he's like, now you've got to see it. What a genius.

And so, yeah, this is the School of Athens. But then you've got... to talk about Michelangelo, right? Firstly, he was not at the Battle of Rocks Drift. Right. Michaelangelo wasn't there. That's interesting. Which is interesting considering that...

You'd think he was. You'd think for such a key play in the Renaissance. You'd think he would have fought in Rorke's drift. Didn't kill any Zulus, this guy. Right. Him and the first wave of the... What we'd now call Renaissance... Not the first wave of Ketchahuio's Zulus.

The first wave of Renaissance artists, of which one was Michelangelo, they were actually considered at the time to be artisans. So they're like building. They're like brickies. Well, that's what painters were. All this stuff is decorative rather than art Yes. In and of itself.

You're just a skilled artisan. Yeah. You're a skilled like you're a job. It's only in the next wave where they're considered artists. So yeah, at this time they're like sort of coped up scaffolders. Basically. And so the Pope whatever's like can you do some Peter's Basilica? He's like, oh, I don't know, mate.

Oh, I don't know. You're looking at a least. I'm going to have to get a lot of Polish guys in for that. I don't fucking know. I'm going to get a big pair of tits and put it right on the seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he's knocking the walls. He's like, that's not built properly, mate, that's not solid. I don't know.

I don't know who built this. Who built Romans? Cup of tea, yeah, six sugars, please. Six sugars, if you would. Yeah. When Michelangelo's phone rings, it's unbelievably loud. Yeah. He's eating breakfast every day in like a calf with red and brown sauce.

Big, big copy of the sun. He's calling into LBC. I don't fucking believe. Why have we forgotten about Southport? We're not talking about it anymore. Those beautiful girls! That's what Michelangelo said. Anyway, let's go.

chisle a tiny knob. So he does the statue of David. Now, people have been making Statute of David. This is David and Goliath from the Bible. People have always been making this. No one's ever made at life size from one block of marble. Yeah. Well, it's like pealing on orange without, with one peel, right?

God, you're so autistic. That's something you do on Saturdays, isn't it? Well, you know, that's the impression of doing it with one piece of marble, right? Yeah, yeah. It's like without having to break it at all. Yeah. I will say this. I couldn't do this.

Yeah. To be fair to him. I could do that. That's me and walking around this. Yeah, you could do that. I can do that. Yeah, that's what's so different about modern art and this sort of stuff. It's when they sell a tape of banana to a wall.

Yeah. Do you think people at the time are going, well, fucking I'll do that. I can do that. What, you call that art, do you? Have you seen who won the Turner Prize in 15-0-1? It was a fucking guy with a tiny cock. Yeah, we could all do that, mate. Yeah, you'll all do that.

So he carved this out of one single block of marble. So Charlie's just zooming in on David's, David's cock there. I mean it's quite extraordinary It's amazing pubes Huge doc It's more He's got a great tummy He's got those great cum gutters

Huge viscerally huge cock I don't understand why he's made it so big I like the pubs The pubs are intensely Hors are intensely hairy Yeah But organized So let's go to Linna da Vinci now

Da Vinci is He's kind of a polymath right He's not just a painter Was he the first kind of renaissance man Like the idea of renaissance man I guess he was Right Yeah

So this is is da Vinci so he does this and he does this and he does Mona Lisa and he invents

Etruscan man yeah right so those are his big three yeah are they right so the last supper so this is a painting

of Jesus what's he doing he's ordered five guys yeah he's gone to Nando's to save money this is like the Nando's 12 do you remember that that was the breakoff party

oh yeah yeah it was kind of like a rebellion against Corbyn, there was a centrist breakaway, and they did this big picture of them all at Nando's. There you go. Yeah. Independent group. Yeah. So this is very much

the modern day Last Supper. The independent group. That was fucking mental. You've got Chukramuna, you've got Anasubri giving out the eyes. I will tell you this. The women in the independent group do hit an nerve with me. Sexually. If I

have a type, it's women in the independent group. Right. It's right. But yes, Anna Sue Brie, Sue Barker, and Hazel Irvin. Yeah, Lorraine Kelly. Lorraine Kelly, I'm absolute toast. Blindfold me, tie me up, put me in a room with them. I'm gone. Absolute smoke salmon, me.

Well, yeah. Squeeze a bit of level on me, I'm done. Nice little New York bagel. Oh, absolute. Cream cheese. Cream cheese everywhere. That's my Relato da Vinci paints

a picture of the independent group Hernandez. So why is the Mona Lisa so famous? Can you type in, why is the Mona Lisa good? If I was walking through a gallery and it wasn't famous, I wouldn't think much to Mona Lisa. No, but supposedly her eyes follow you, don't they? Women rarely smiled in paintings like that? Cheer up, love, might

never happen. Yeah, she's just tried to park. innovative techniques like subtle graduations of light and shadow and there's masterful portrayal of the subject's enigmatic expression and human-like qualities I can understand that

I don't understand why it's the most famous so she's kind of pouting she's smirking she's she looks a bit smart because there's better Renaissance ones I hear like yeah the technique's amazing on it the face is very

emotive Got a podgy face But the expression It's the smugness The expression, I guess Was he railing her? Is that why he painted her? Well, no one really knows

Because she was like Maybe the daughter of some noble But it's not clear She wasn't even that famous It's very, I guess Probably what was so exceptional Was to have a portrait

Of someone who's not Super Noble blood So she's common And he, I think there is something About how he was boning her And that's why it's called The Mona Lisa. Well, it feels like we shouldn't

We're looking at this. This is private. He drew another one, he drew another one called the squircerer Lisa. right um he's left that one one's whistled past through to the keeper I don't uh I don't know why it's good

it's also tiny you've seen it in real life absolutely tiny like a poster stamp yeah but your view of how good a painting is how big it is genuinely that's true there's a guy called Benvenuto Chalini that means welcome doesn't it so he's called welcome

welcome Chalini so he's like an African footballer he killed three people he He got convicted of sodomy wherever he went against men and women The Christian church

outlawed sodomy But is it so is it Is it non-consensual but stuff In this country it wasn't It was legalised by John Major Is that what Black Monday is The market's crashed Because

So it's not illegal So this guy Chalini He's kind of a mad He's a mad artist But he gets away with it And he's hopping around All the little Italian city states and he's just looking for the most money to build stuff

and someone in Florence pays him a lot of money to build a two-foot cast bronze statue of Medusa and what he does is because he's a generation after Michelangelo and Da Vinci, he builds it and he puts it in the same square as David and he points it at David as if his one is turning David to stone. Right. And this guy argued that that was,

the first piece of art installation. Right. It's the first thing that an artist has done that's having a dialogue with other art in the space. That's good. How do you like that? That's pretty good. You've been listening to 50 minutes now.

He finally got a bit of fucking info. That's something. Yeah? Well, we've given you one thing. And I think with that, we're probably going to have to leave the Italian Renaissance. I think, yeah, I think what we'll do is in our next episode, we're going to deal with the...

Northern Renaissance. I actually prefer, I think there's some more mad shit. We're going to the low countries, Flanders, Netherlands. Oh, oh, I wonder what the Dutch and the Belgians are doing. Yeah. Well, this is the only time they're actually interesting. If you can't wait to see what Belgian are in the 16th century is, join the Patreon. Never has there been a more...

An influx of patrons. My God, they're going to flood in this week. Their appetite's been whetted with what... What are the Belgians doing? What are the Belgian? I simply cannot wait any longer. My God, that country that we all know and love that we're always going to. Well, the patron system, the word patron, you know, it comes from, you know.

It's very true, actually. You are, if you join the Fifth House of History truth a tier patron, you are patronising the art. You are, basically. You're the Medici, Toadivinci and Michelangelo. Totally. What basically, it used to be in the Renaissance that one rich person would fund artists. Yeah. And now what's happening is that thousands of poor people are funding a racist podcast.

that's how patronage has changed over the years. So if you would like to... It's a populist movement. It is populist. It's anti-intellectual, vehemently. But it's sort of like the way that the church goes around and collects, you know, you collect coins at the end. We're like the church, right?

Well, no, I'd say that we're anti... Pop-ups and green. I'd say we're the Renaissance in that the church is like goalhanger. Right. They're like the big podcast tables. Yeah. Somehow we are, our patrons are paying for us to dismantle the orthodoxy of the church. by putting out a racist podcast

that somehow is above the rest of history. So if you'd like to join the movement and if you'd like to find out what on earth are those fucking Belgians doing in art? Then join, start up to the patron, just £3 a month. You get a bonus episode every Friday as well as a whole host

of exclusive episodes from when we just started this podcast. Anyway, either way, thank you so much for joining us on this incredibly serious day. Yeah, guys. It's amazing. get some jokes

out of us. Can we just have a minute silence for all the paintings that have been done? All right, we'll see you next time. See you next week. Bye!