Fin vs History - Was JFK the Horniest President in history? | The Cuban Missile Crisis (Part 1)

Episode Date: January 27, 2025

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Welcome to Finn versus History The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened I'm here with Horatio Gould Today we're talking about the Cuban Missile Crisis Yes The Cucks War Would you say so?

Yeah this is a war for people who don't want to actually get involved they just like to pay for someone from the third world to do it yeah so can you put this in context for our listeners at home because not everyone's clear you have to assume clued up historically as us yes the people listening are obviously complete thickers so the Cuban missile crisis is the early 60s

so this is after World War II but before Lezo started presenting on news round okay yeah so in that kind of gap before Lezo really comes to prominence Lezo was not reporting on the Cuban missile crisis Yeah and they wouldn't

If you said He did report on 9-11 Which is quite funny Did he? But Newsround had to do something about 9-11 So is news round for kids Yes

So what was it And then Open wine Yeah A bunch of kids Tried to eat their dinner So yeah If you

If you spoke to Kennedy Or the average American They would have They wouldn't have a clue who Lizo was, would they? No, no. Yeah, they'd have no idea. They wouldn't even know what news round is. Well, I think British news round is sort of the equivalent intellectual level of a lot of American adult news channels.

Sure. But anyway, there are three major characters in this story. There's John of Kennedy, American president, the horniest president there's ever been. Well, the horniest president has ever been, but then you see the family comes from. he's Catholic you know yeah he's got about

15 brothers and sisters and they're all shagging his dad was the horniest man of life as well really yeah so I think there was almost just like yeah so John O'Kennie's dad I forgot his name

he was constantly cheating on JFK's mom really and they all knew about it he would literally be like right sorry I'm gonna pop out for a bit I'm gonna go cheat on your mom yeah see you later and he just couldn't stop cheating

so JFK is almost like the way that JFK was cheating it felt like he just literally thought that's what a man does. Just you just fuck everyone. You have to. But he makes, John O'Neff Kennedy makes Bill Clinton look like Greta Thumburg.

He's just fucking everyone. We're seeing Greta Thumburg's the... The least haughty person. I think, I'd say so. Yeah. Yeah. She's not, yeah. She's not cheating on... No.

The planet, I guess. The planet with any human relations. You have stolen my future. Greto, she's super. Sweet 16th. That's the worst ever episode of that show. Yeah. Greta, we've got you a car.

There's Pete Ditty. Pete Ditty's performing at your Zubit 16. She'll fucking hate B. Diddy with all that oil. He's bringing up. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I wonder what she would find worse.

Do you think if Greta Thunberg, if we solved climate change, do you think she would be... She'd find another thing to bang on about everything. Do you think she'd be upset? Yeah. Yeah. I think if, like... Let's say Elon Musk

just comes up with this new thing solves everything That'd be very funny I think people would be annoyed Yeah Because think about extinction rebellion All of that lot Yeah what do they do now

If it was solved They would be like No because No no no Because that machine actually It actually uses this like Rare kind of like

strain of like Limseed oil that we is destroying the planet They'd definitely keep pushing I think But yeah JFK Even during the Cuban Missile crisis

He was like, he was very stressed, obviously, to be fair to him. Well, I was stressful times ever. He kept shipping in women still. Yeah, yeah. Well, so we'll get to this, obviously, but he doesn't actually get told about the missiles on the night they arrive because he is fucking a prostitute in the White House.

Ah. And so I actually think he always gets credited for like keeping a clear head during, you know, saving humanity with, when you think about it, if you think of post-nut clarity, yes. This guy had the emptiest balls of any man that's ever lived. Right.

So he could, he was seeing the Matrix. And I don't know if Crucev. Crucef was quite committed to his wife. I don't think Crucef has ever got his end away. No. I mean, the man... His wife was quite a taskmaster, crew chefs.

And they're like a very committed long-term relationship. Definitely sex left that relationship 30 years ago. So he, you can, and he's bald as well, which means he's horny and there's more cum inside him. that's the fact is it well the more bald you are the more testosterone you have the more horny you are

that's why hair pills make you less horny because the more hair you have the less horny you are well JFK didn't have any come inside him because he couldn't possibly produce enough to keep up with demand from all the women he was fucking yeah exactly

Krushchev is the opposite and actually JFK stands out in the story because he's the one person in the Cold War who's not fuck ugly yeah everyone else is and that's why it's called the Cold War as opposed to the fucking hot war

because if you get Charlie get a photo up of Brezhnev who I think comes a bit later this man is there's a photo of him meeting Mao and it's one of the ugliest things I've ever seen Yeah Brezhnev

if we're ranking Soviet guys Yeah Brezhnev Oh my God look at that That's Nixon Nixon's hardly a looker though No, Nixon is not good-looking. Well, Nixon lost that debate with Kennedy when Kennedy was running because he was ugly. Because he was like, look at this guy.

Fuck me. That's ugly. Right. If we're doing it, can you get Gorbachev up? This is what I mean. This is why it's the Cold War. And Gorbachev, the ugliest of all Russian premieres, he... That's a type.

Let's get him up. 100%. You think there's an ugly one than Gorbachev. I think Brezhnev... Take a look at this. Are you telling me? Come on, I don't want to... Okay.

Are we... Yeah. He was so ugly. He had to end the cold one. World War. That's the point is because it's mutually a short destruction. No American could get uglier than that. But he's saying that Russia actually won the

Cold War. Yeah. Because it was an ugly off. That's what the Cold War was. The Americans look to Goldbishop when, okay, you win. There's no way we can compete with that. So having JFK makes America pretty vulnerable in the ugly wars, right? Yeah, he's on the ropes. Because they've got this hot, this hot piece

of ass who's fucking everyone in the white house. Yeah. But I, JFK was so horny. It was almost like he was sort of humping the air and his aid would kind of put prostitutes where he was humping intimately. They sort of just scattered them around because he's constantly fucking.

He's like a wind-up doll that's fallen open. Like if he falls over, he's something like that. They have to put him back up and stick prostitutes there. Yeah. That's why he sounds like that. That's not what you can do for your country. I don't want the country. Yeah.

So it's a, it's a, It's amazing, but this is kind of seen as his finest hour. But again, I think that's because he had more clarity of thought than anyone ever. Yeah, well, it's not going to be him getting shot on the head, is it? I don't think he got shot on the head. I think his head exploded because he had to sit next to his wife for six hours. That's what I think happened. Well, because he was on camera for so long, he couldn't cheat on his wife for more than...

Yeah, so he was just there. And his head just, that's my theory. I mean, we'll do an episode. Well, there's a lot of theory. Yeah, we'll do an episode in the JFK assassination. You know, there's madder conspiracy theories than that, I think. Either that, or he saw a pair of tits in the grassy knoll. Ah!

And just, he thought the grassy knoll looked like one tit. Yeah, that's it. Oh, look at that. And it's head exploded. Yeah. So he was also there with his brother, Robert Kennedy, was a big part of this as well, who's another Kennedy. He was also assassinated. Yeah, he was assassinated?

He horny, do you know, for Robert Kennedy? Takes after his brother. Yeah. Do you know if he was horny? Um, but he sounds, they all sound horny to Kennedy. And then Robert Kennedy's son is RFK Jr. Yeah, so JFK's nephew is now the health secretary, even though he sounds like... Are we going to make America healthy again?

Yeah, the unhealthiest man in the world. I'm going to, you got to stop eating your food. There's a worm in my brain that's driving me to make these choices. It's like ratatooey, but with a worm, that's kind of RFK's life. I do, I do have a soft spot. for RFK, even though all the mad shit. He's so ripped. He's so ripped. He only excises in

jeans. Yeah, yeah. I see, we sort of very, I guess that's one result of the Cold War being over, is that now you have Americans exercising in jeans, which is a very Russian thing. Yeah, yeah. Look at this. Look at that. But it works. You can't deny it, right? Oh, yeah. And

what I like about RFK is he's a new type of guy. I don't there's ever been a guy like this. Like, he's not, there's not, this is not a type of guy. There's not a type of guy who's like a ripped guy with that voice whose brain's been driven by a worm who keeps pet ravens who

like eats road kill. Like this is, we've never seen this type of guy before. Bobby Kennedy, so his dad, he had a, he had basically a zoo on his house. He kept like every animal possible. He was like, um, fucking Pablo Escobar essentially. Um,

so that's probably where he got it from, the old raven thing. Well, yeah, this is what happens when you're, when every single member of your family gets assassinated. Yeah. You either get killed or you end up like this. You live long enough to become fucking mental. I've killed my entire family. But JFK, so JFK is elected in 1961, I want to say.

Yeah, I think that's right. That is right. That sounds right. And it's been Eisenhower for 10 years. Who's, again, fuck ugly. Fuck ugly. So good start for America. Yeah.

So the Cold War starts strong for America. Yeah. Eisenhower, get a photo of Eisenhower up. Look at him, bug, absolutely. It feels like, maybe this is me thinking. I think I wouldn't mind being president in the 50s of America. That feels like you can do an autopilot, right? That's the best time has ever been.

It's after World War II before. If you're white, and a man. And a man. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, which we are. Which goes without saying. But yeah, if I was sort of like those electric self-driving cars being president in the 50s, I feel. Being a white guy in the 50s, it's supposed to a self-driving car.

Yeah, you can be on the motorway asleep. Yeah. You could just have a blanket, yeah. I wouldn't mind doing that. I think I could do a pretty good job just doing that. Yeah. Hey, guys, just keep doing what you're doing. Brilliant.

Well, there was career, I guess, wasn't it? They sent some mental career. Oh, yeah, that was pretty... Nah. Nah. We weren't involved in that. Or maybe we were. No, we were involved in that one.

I think we were. But I don't know. Yeah. But autistic dad's never talk about it, so it feels like we weren't that involved, isn't it? Well, yeah. If we were probably involved about it, then British guys would be boring you at Christmas.

That's true. But also it's too far away. I mean, my dad has taken me to Omaha Beach. Me and my sister, I was 12, she was nine. He gave us a backpack full of rocks, and he timed us running up the beach. And I must stress that no one in my family was involved in D-Day Landis. He just wanted to see what it was like.

Were you going to do a stoning at the end? I think so. I think if I beat my sister, I got to stone her, I think. My dad's a very conservative woman, man, I should stress. But he's also fascinated by World War II. Anyway, so Kennedy comes into office in 61 And he's hot He's a rich boy

And this guy fucks Yeah That's what the F stands for John Foxx Kennedy And he's very rich Well he's in like a political dynasty Or they live in this sort of compound Of kind of rich Catholic horny people right

Yeah He's got 12 brothers Well you can just say Catholics Yeah exactly Yeah makes sense And he so he replaced his Eisenhower And but he's he inherits this problem with...

Yeah, I do feel sorry from a bit here, because it is Eisenhower's mess, right? Well, Eisenhower's gone like, yeah, we're going to fucking invade Cuba. Yeah. Which we should... We should pause and talk about Cuba. Yeah. Cuba. Cuba. Cuba.

Is that Trump? Yeah, I think he said Cuba once. China and Cuba. I don't really know much about it. What, the Cuban Revolution? No, I mean, the country. That's never stopped me making an opinion on it. but um i know that it's got like two things in the supermarket and a good healthcare system a good

healthcare yeah so it's got for like the third world is the best healthcare but you can only you can only buy bread and and it's sort of the trade off with the communism stuff yeah i see yeah so you get like you get no choices in the supermarket but there's what but you can see a gp like like that day yeah but there's one type of car yeah yeah so that's kind of like trade off yeah and uh but cuba's not like that before. No, it's very unequal. But one of the richest in Latin America for some reason, I think.

And then there's a revolution in the late 50s where, uh, Fidel. Hey, Fidel. Hey, man. Cabron.

Yeah. Is that what keeping the sound like? Yeah, I can say. Hey, man. Hey, man. I'm Fidel Castro, man. Sort of getting a bit de Niro there. Hey, man.

Yeah. I got to take off of Cuba. Yeah. Um, smokes. Smokes big fags. Yeah. Love's busting fags. Yeah.

Only wears green. neck beard him he's pretty horny as well he's got a harem of women he would stay in the Hilton Havana I think

or like yeah and that's where his harim of women would be and with the many plots on his life they would try and go through the endless women he fucked look at this

I mean come on so this is it it's a real horny off and he yeah he's giving JFK a run for his money so Kennedy's like we've got to take this guy out

because he's fucking more as many women than me I can't have that but no Cuba's socialists just become socialists because of a revolution which apparently

Che Guevara helped with what are you using Shegevara? I don't really I mean is there's the T-shirt I don't like people who wear the T-shirt what's funny is my dad used to have the T-shirt really? So my dad like biggest capitalist

Debrae right just like the T-shirt as well which I think is kind of what Che Guevara has become which is quite funny It's the most capitalist thing But he's basically He sells t-shirt It's like an I Love London t-shirt It's like I mean Che Guevara

Just because of the vibe Yeah But you know It's the photo as well Yeah And it's just But it's one of those things It's like

You just want to get killed Before you can do anything bad Really bad Yeah If he lived If he lived love enough Like if Eminem Got killed after his third album

Everyone would say He's the best rapper Of all time Yeah But then he keeps Pumping it out He's so fucking alive Yeah

Yeah. He did one recent album, which everyone hated, and then he immediately reached another album saying, I know that one was bad, but this one's great, and everyone thought that was shit as well. It's just, I wish you had a drive-by shooting, it would have absolutely saved a career, Eminent. Nightmare.

Anyway, so Kennedy inherits a plan from Eisenhower to invade Cuba because they're like, we can't have these fucking hairy commies, fucking women on our doorstep. Well, he gets told about this just before his inauguration. okay so like this is one of the best things about being president is you get in a room and they say this is by the way this is what's happening yeah yeah so he doesn't really have much choice in this but he has to deal with it

yeah he's trying to fuck the person to tell him about the plan no you're not listening to me john please stop to you stop helping my leg can someone get a woman here quickly is that marilyn monroe get in here now okay just put marilyn in front of him and i'll and when he's when he's nutted i'll tell him about the plan yeah well he's got like ADHD he has to have like he has to be fucking someone to focus attention hyperactive dick disorder he's got like a sub is the subway server video underneath his porn is is him

he can only focus on something important if there's porn happening beneath it yeah and that's why all of all of his famous speeches like we must not go don't ask what you should do for your country as what your country can do for you no the other round but during that speech he was actually getting head underneath the podium do you know that i can believe that so the only reason that he wasn't, like, constantly humping is because he was getting sucked off. Yeah, exactly. Ask not what your country.

Can you be, ask you what? Yeah, they had to wheel him out. It's only time he can focus. That's why he said, he said, I'm a donut. Because that's what he says when he comes. I'm a donut. Fuck me.

Yeah, he came so hard he turned German for a second. We've all been there. Cross-eyed Ah Big one When my wife goes Harkin' I'm fucking stah

A fucking fucking It's like the end of downfall My wife goes My God, quite a sight In blood It's that bit In the bunker In the meme

This is my girlfriend coming Just Just slow fury Yeah It's the Leib Gott click

Himmels mouse I love that bit because I love the bit where he's like well if you can just do this right

yeah and they're like no the Russians are outside so that that's when I get to a third base

she asks she asks everyone else to leave the room which is fair enough no not everyone there's still three there's still three guys left yeah

just leave the guys watch just leave the three guys in the portrait can everyone leave not you not you stay You need to watch this.

I think, to be honest, I'm glad, I'm glad. I think it was been too long without a Hitler impression, even though it's... We should have a clock on the wall where we could... We should have a time before we do a Hitler impression. Anyway, with Amex Platinum, access to exclusive Amex pre-sale tickets can score you a spot trackside. So being a fan for life turns into the trip of a lifetime. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Pre-sale tickets for future events subject to availability and vary by race.

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scotia bank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. So Kennedy is an absolute horn dog and as such. Spirit of the 60s. Yeah. There's the first time they've had a hot guy in power. He's 43. which is, went at the time the Cuban Missile Christ, but 40 when he gets connected. He's got, his back is knackered.

No one really knows about him and he's got like jaundice or some shit. He's like yellow. He's got to see he's called Addison's which my wife actually had for a bit and then after she gave birth. No, no, that's generally true. My real life wife.

Have you seen the film, the new film with Demi Moore about... The substance, I've actually seen it but I know of the premise. At the end... What's the premise? The premise is that

there's this new... It's kind of an... Zempic parable, I guess, is that the premise is that there's a substance you can... There's a substance that you can... I don't remember that, the parable. After the Good Samaritan, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, the parable of Zempic. Take this and you'll be thin.

Yeah. But I guess it's L.A. people, they want to be thick, they want to be young, and there's this thing you can take where it basically clones you to a better, a younger version of yourself, and then you can only live as them for seven days, and then you have to swap back to your, old self while the new, the old one, like the new one recharges. Oh, so is it seven days on, seven days off? Yeah, but the young one basically starts to take time from the old one, which makes the old one age faster, and she takes more and more and more,

and then she gets so fucked that she... Sort of picture of Dorian Gray sort of thing. Kind of, and then she gets so fucked that she injects the new one with the substance, which then multiplies you. Basically, it's... Like typing Google into Google. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And the monster of the end is so, like, there's a tit here with some teeth and her

faces on the back of her head and she's like that's the fin versus the internet wife well it's you in a if your wife did a crime and you had to explain her to somewhat like a police drawing yeah yeah it's that yeah it's like a teeth there and the tip there it's got like a mouth yeah yeah and a mouth on the ass and she's like ah that it's the closest representation i've seen to the uh the fictional obviously she can't be depicted like the prophet but Mohammed she can't be depicted because it'll make too many people angry yeah if they see what she actually looks like Anyway, my real-life wife had a thing called Addisons, which is basically your endocrine system doesn't work.

So if you fight or fly, nothing, you don't get any adrenaline. Really? So if you basically get hit, if she, like, broke a leg, she'd have to go straight, I mean, she'd have to go. Just be chilled out geeseer. Yeah, she'd be like, she'd try and walk, basically. She's like, what's all the fuss about? What do you mean?

What do you mean? You're losing off, yeah. She's been hacky sack with her broken leg. It's actually why, when your JFK was shot, he was fine for the first 20 minutes. What do you mean? What's going on? What are you crying about? No, but he was on some kind of... He's also, it was the 60s.

So he doesn't have adrenaline? Well, I don't really know, Charlie, can you Google Addison's disease? Because that could be a superpower as well. Well, yeah, I guess. Maybe that's why he was so cool. When you think about it, they think of the factors. His balls are completely empty.

Yeah. All the time. Yeah. They fill up for a second, and then they come. Yeah. He's got Addisons, which means that he can't really ego. It's a rare disorder that occurs when the adjutant. adrenal glands are damaged and can't produce the hormone's cortisol, which is the stress hormone.

Ah. So you can't get stressed? You can't get stressed. All right. So there's also something that stimulates the immune response. So when you're ill, if you have this disease, you don't, your immune system doesn't like start or so. I don't know. Anyway, I don't care. Does your wife not get stressed because of it? She doesn't have any more. Right. Does she wish she had it again? I wish she had it again. My life would be considerably easier if she could not get stressed. Do you want to just take the kids again for two... Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go away in the weekend. Yeah, fine, yeah, fine.

Absolutely fine. So, but my point is Kennedy is completely fucked. Yeah. And he was in World War II in the Pacific, in a little boat, and he got blown up, and he's got a bad back. And that's kind of, you don't see that because with all the pressure... Because he's young and he's coming in everyone. Yeah, but if you look closer, he's like the women's of the substance.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. So, but he can... Was he actually that hot, or was his outline hot? Like, I think... He probably was, yeah. I just think for the time, when you look at his cabinet, yeah.

Like... God, there's Robert McNara. Yeah. Sounds like a Matchy the Day presenter. McBundee? Yeah. McBundee or McGeorge Bundy? Yeah, he's a fit guy.

Look at that. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a charm to him. Teeth. Anyway, so he's pretty fucked, basically. But comes into office and Eisenhower has laid plans for, invading Cuba

because the commies are there and it's right on America's doorstep obviously it's the closest communist country to America and they're obsessed with making sure the Latin America

doesn't go in South America they're stopping all these plots in Guatemala every time they hear about a communist dictator they are funding counter-revolutionaries and they did that

when Cuba turned to communism they started funding all the anti-Castro yeah All these Cuban guys that were like, they'd left when the commies arrived. They're working in garages in Miami or whatever. Hey man,

I'll go to watch some wheels. It's getting, it is getting slightly more Chinese. Yeah. But that is my Latina accent. But Cuba was getting slightly more Chinese. Well, it was influenced by Mao and China, wasn't it? Not in the policy, just how they sounded.

Yeah, exactly. Hey, man, what's going on over there? Yeah. So these guys that are basically working in garages putting shiny rims on wheels, right? Bouncing up. The low riders. Oh, eh, that's eh, cabron!

Those guys. Suddenly, Eisenhower's got a plan with the CIA that's going to send those guys back to Cuba to start a war and overthrow. Yeah, and he sent like 15 of them, right? Or like... Yeah, he basically sent 15 guys,

15 mechanics with a few rifles. Yeah. And then they sent, um, they basically started... They sent a couple of planes over the bomb, and then they just didn't bomb them. which they'd painted badly. That was it. It was old World War II.

They went... They painted badly so that people wouldn't know as American. They went Cuba Airlines in like pencil on the side. Not American.

Not American. But then everyone just read American. Yeah. They went, oh, what's that doing? Because they'd written the not small and the American big. The American was massive. Yeah, so it was a lot...

It was bad planning from them. Promise not the CIA. And so then everyone looked up and said, that's the fucking Americans. And then they got so embarrassed... They didn't do any more bombing. They didn't do any more bombing. even though they promised to the anti-Castro forces in Cuba

that they were going to help these guys up and they left them bouncing in their cars with no support. On the beach. Yeah, and they had had the bouncing cars said, I've got my big boys are going to fucking suck me out. And then they just left them there and now it's really awkward and embarrassing. Yeah, because Castro, what, captured them all or something?

He probably wasn't the nicest to them when he got them. No, that's the Bay of Pigs. Yeah. Well, the Bear Pigs, the Bear Pigs comes after that ride, which is after. that they're embarrassed they've they withdrawn and then they send an invasion yeah and the hope is that it will get all the guys in lowriders to bounce castro out of power and then i think castro sends 20,000 guys to the beach proper guys and actual cars not just bouncing and it's an absolute

disaster uh big humiliation for jfk out the gate um and it just sort of feels like it feels like the Eversus is shifting to the Soviets now. This has been a big win for communism. Because also, in the meantime, the Soviets have exploded the biggest fucking ever bomb. Yeah. And so I think with the build-up to this, people need to remember, when you think of nuclear war, you're always thinking of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Yeah.

But the bombs that they've made now are like 50 times more. 50 times more than Hiroshima. Yeah. But what's funny about this is that they're basically, both these countries, they're exploding these bombs in, like, remote parts of them. And they're basically going, look at that. Yeah. Don't fucking start anything.

Look at this. Well, is it like two neighbours working out and trying to get bigger than each other? Like, what is it? What's the... I'm just more like the idea of Britain doing that in the fucking... In the Pete District.

Look at that. Do you see that? Don't come over here. And then there's loads of villages. They're like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, Milton Keynes. Yeah, I reckon you could level Milton Keyes. I think the British nuclear test

actually they had to use Australia. Did we? That's what Australia's for. It's why the Great Barrier Reef's fucked. Yeah. But I don't know what... We're just doing that. We still want to be involved, I guess.

Oh, we've got bombs too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we've got bombs. But so I was listening to a podcast and it said that it would take nine of these hydrogen bombs to entirely flatten America, right? Nine of the big bombs. That's all of America gone. Yeah. But then Russia, they just got crazy with it.

And I think they were trying to look for victories over America wherever they could. They was just building more and more. But so Russia made 10,000 of these bombs. Yeah. Which I, is that just Because they can. Because you can, is it, because it's scary to have more? Because you actually don't need that many nuclear bomb.

No, you need nine. Yeah. Or me, you need 18. Yeah, because if you want to do the rest of the world. Well, you just need a backup for... Yeah. Spares. You need a hard drive and then you need like a backup hard drive.

Well, when you're getting like IKEA furniture, they sometimes give you spare screws. Yeah. You need a couple of those. You need two. Yeah. But 10,000 seems over the top. Seems aggressive.

But anyway, they're so, they basically fuck it a few times. and then they start thinking we won't invade but we'll kill Castro and this is probably this is why this era is maybe my favourite in history is because the early 60s are when foreign policy is as in real life

is as close to James Bond as it ever is. But it's almost like it's Roger Moore James Bond. Oh yeah it's farcical. Like can you get the list of assassination attempts up Charlie? It's yeah it's this clown music playing it's umbrella Atrella hats, unicycles.

Get that fit woman, right? And give her, they hide dynamite in pretty looking conch shells. So that when he dives, he's like, ooh, and then he'll blow up. Well, it's sort of, this period, it's like now, it feels like everything is going to come out. And they didn't really think like that. So all these meetings, everyone's thinking, how's history going to remember this? But this is still a period where you could do stuff covertly. Well, so the plot then becomes, we're just going to, we're going to fuck Cuba.

We're going to try and kill Castro. Yeah. or just trying to fuck, but they call, fuck Cuba generally, they call this Operation Mung goose, Operation Mong for short. Yeah.

And Operation Mong is, well, so there's the poison cigars method. Yeah. Where they lace his cigars with poison and then, I don't know how, did it,

it failed because he didn't smoke the contaminated cigars or the poison didn't work. So they tried 683 times and this is, we're just going to go through 14 of them. Yeah. So poison cigars,

exploding cigar. Yeah. where basically they just replaced a cigar with a stick of dynamite. Yeah. And I hoped he wouldn't notice. But yeah, I think, yeah, sadly, they should have painted it brown at least.

Yeah, they laid it in the tray, and then they left and went, oh, fuck, it's red. Yeah. The poison diving suit, that's a good one. In 19661, the CIA devised a plant to poison Castro by lacing his diving suit with a toxic substance, like a fungus.

Yeah, yeah. The idea was Castro'd wear the suit while swimming in the ocean and the poison would be absorbed through his skin. The plan was abandoned. as Castro never wore the suit either due to the timing of his dives or other logistical issues

i.e. he doesn't go diving yeah so then they also made like a poisoned cycling lycra you know it also made like maybe you'll get into cycling he's a 40 year old guy maybe you'll get into the talk that you use when you're rock climbing

they had like they had like that but asbestos we're running out of hobbies here maybe he's going to get into chess let's put make an exploding queen he fucks women he fucks women that's his only hobby right it's the 60s you don't have hobbies

you cheat on your wife. That's all you can do. Then they went poisoned milkshake. This guy drink milk? No, he's like person-dolerant. Yeah. We can read through it. So, go ahead to some...

It's funny how every outcome is the plan was never carried out successfully as Castro apparently never consumed a milkshake. But this is like, yeah, this is back in the time where politics would be a group of white guys who all went to similar schools. Yes.

So they all are all thinking the same way. Yesterday. So everyone's just got like the same way. No one's bringing new perspective. Everyone's on speed. Yeah. And they're calling it vitamins. That's the other thing to mention is that at this time,

the fashionable thing to do was get injected with speed if you had a cold. Yeah. So I'm feeling about under the weather. Yeah, I know what we saw you out. Well, it's like Joe Rogan or Chris Williamson on their podcast, they would be advertising. Yeah, the supplements. Yeah.

Makes you stronger. Yeah. Make your brain work. they also then start they also were like let's poison him slowly so he slurs his words and is less impressive at some point they just went well let's just try and make him a bit shit rather than kill him let's just make him more yeah they're just kind of like little shitty passive aggressive it was passive aggressive foreign policy at this stage but it also seems like the guys in the CIA were like in a writer's room just banging coke like okay right net that's not works right let's go back to cigars later acts of cigars yeah this is tvXX in the 90s you know poison toothpaste let's poison his toothpaste this he i developed plan to use poisonous a method of a method of a assassination. Sadly, Castro doesn't brush his teeth. Does this man do anything, but fuck? I love this one. So they've had 10 ones who go in cigar, poison toothplace, bad luck hat. Number 12, bomb in the headquarters. Fuck it, bomb him, just bomb him. Again, it never happens. A more direct

plot, yeah. I think more direct than the bad lot hat. Involving part of bomb in Castro's headquarters where he regularly held meetings. The bomb was supposed to explode, but it didn't. Anyway, so they're constantly trying to kill Castro. They can't. He's like a cockroach. Yeah. Cockroach. And so... The smartest one they did,

which is not here, is they try to go through one of his ex-girlfriends, which I feel is the way to get Castro. Yeah. Where she was going to give him like an ointment

that was actually poisoned, obviously. Yeah, yeah. But then he was like... Ointment? I don't... Yeah. But he's also like,

I'm... You're my ex. Hey, Capron. He used to get his current ones, you know. At one point, they were going to make his car so bouncy that he just flew off.

He just flew off. flew into the sea. Anyway, so we haven't talked about the Russians yet, though, should be. We've got to talk about Khrushchev, who is my favorite in the story in many ways. Can we go up on his bio, please? The little squat man, he looks like the ghost of a

hemorrhoid, big, like, if he's even speaking at the UN, he's like, Oh, is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's really, he's all punches. I have a soft spot for Khrushchev as far as Soviet premiers go. I don't know what it is. If you found a Khrushchev on your lower back,

you'd have to go to a doctor, wouldn't you? Yes, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, that's not what you want to see as a man when you're heading into your 30s. No. If you find Khrushchev down. You want to look down and say that. I mean, if you find a Gorbachev down there,

then you're, it's probably too late. Your turn is terminal. Terminal. If you look down, you see Gorbachev's head. To be fair, you probably could go through all the Soviet premieres post-Stalin. Yeah, and all of them are... As different stages of... Medical issues.

...testicular cancer. You know, Khrushev, this round, hairy ball, but then you're getting Brezhnev, there's like weird hair on it. Then you're going to Gorbachev where there's clear like growths on it. And he had Boris Yeltsin where it's just so puffed up. So Khrushchev's kind of the opposite of Kennedy

in many ways, right? Can we go on Khrushchev bio, right? So he was raising a poor peasant family, worked in factories and coal mans as a young man, joined the Communist Party in 1916 after the Russian Revolution. He was basically like the ultimate politician in this, like if you've seen Death of Stalin, he was played by Steve Bouchemi, and everyone's got their special thing, but his was

he was just like, he was just like good at talking to people and making friends and telling jokes. Yeah. So Stalin kept it around because he was the funniest. I reckon he's slapping people a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. He's just like, he knew exactly how to play it and avoid every, he's survived so much because for like, like, 20 years, all of his colleagues are constantly getting executed. Right, yeah.

Like, this is Stalin, he survived all the purges. And whenever someone kills somebody, he's like, yeah, that was funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's amazingly tense time to what be at the high command of Stalin because, every other week one of your colleagues is getting killed. Yeah.

It's sort of like, yeah, it's kind of like a squid game type thing. It's kind of like a squid game when being Stalin's high command. Do you know what? In many ways,

because what I like Khrushchev is to replace Stalin or even survive Stalin, it is sort of like Takeshi's castle. That's how they did Russian politics back then. Yeah.

Where you go into it and 90% of you are going to be killed. Yeah. Or, you know, it's very unlike you'll survive. Yes. But if you win, big prize, right? You get a castle. Yeah.

And then Khrushchev as well, when he became, he just did a massive speech saying, you know, that guy. Fuck Stalin. Fucks, darling. Yeah, yeah. He's dead. Apparently, which they had in the death of Stalin,

Crucef's wife, who I can't remember the name of, but it was quite a big part of his life. Google. He was hopeful, quite a big wife. What does she look like? But he treated her. I'm going to guess bad. Let's have a look.

She looks very sweet. Yeah, she's sweet. Sort of homely woman. Yeah. But she, they would make note to the jokes that had landed and didn't land with Stalin. Really? So it'd be like, we're not talking about, you know, we're not doing that bit. That bit didn't work.

That bit didn't work. He did not like that. Which, you know, as a comedian, you've got to respect, you've got to play with what's in your arsenal. You've got to respect the crafts. And I think there was a lot of humorless guys there and he knew, like, my... At least, like, I know how to structure a joke, you know. Well, he walked a line, much like many of us do. I think when he pretty did the Chinese accents, Stalin absolutely loved that.

He loved that. Because he hated Mao, Stalin was doing the eyes and the teeth, and Stalin's like this guy, I like this guy. Yeah, but when he started slagging off Georgian, Stalin didn't like that at all. That's not funny. That's not funny. Don't you dare criticize cabbage water again. Oh, hi, buddy.

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in the Politburo's high command, right? You're one of the guys in the ring. Yeah. Stalinist, communist Russia. Because you're not a very communist man, right? Me? No. You're still, you know, you're still an ambitious man.

If you were in Soviet Russia, you would be playing the game a lot, I think. I think it's impossible to live in Soviet Russia and not play the game. Yeah, so you've got to. So it's interesting with these people, it's not about if they're communist or capitalists. You wake up, you're in Soviet Russia. You want to end up. I'd like some bread today. what do I have to do?

I'd like some bread and to not be shot. So whatever you think of communism, if you're set up there, you're still going to try and thrive. How are you, you're in the Pollock Bureau, what is you going to be your tactic with Stalin? Are you going to the japster?

I am going to cross my fingers behind my back. I'm like, yeah, I'll do that. And then I'll wink at everyone. You'll do what? I'll do whatever he says. Okay, right. And then I'll wait until he walks a few steps away, and then I go, nah.

Nat. Because you've got to cover your back, right? In case you've got to play both sides. Terrifying. Yeah. So hard. It would be very stressful, I think. So boring as well. Yeah. Must be so boring. Just constantly having to think about how you're being perceived like that. Yeah, because it's like, the stakes are really high. Yeah. But it's still working in an office and wearing shit suits. Yeah. So it's kind of like, I don't know, it's just like working in recruitment. Yeah. But if you get it wrong.

You get shot. Yeah. Although I do think more Foxton's agents should live under the threat of being a summarily executed. Yeah, it would be good to have a Stalinist head of that. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And a real power strong.

Well, just saying where they eat themselves. I wouldn't mind having the top Foxton guy, but I want everyone else to die trying to find out who that is. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But, Foxton. Yeah. Right. So, Grushchev rose to power. Uh, complete opposite of JFK. Um, a bit, what I like about Grushchev is well, he's a bit of a fucking, he's a bit of a mad cunt, you know, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, He's a big gambler, right?

Is he? He likes to, well, just, he makes big gambles with foreign policy. He's like, he's really like, let's just fucking, let's see what happens. I mean, no, he is. Because it's also, with this whole period, they've completely misjudged each other's systems. Yeah. The people around Khrushchev, obviously are handpicked and people who think he's brilliant and agree with him.

Yeah. Or at least pretend to. Yeah. And he has complete control over all decisions. JFK has just come in. There's press saying that he's a fucking little big. There's a press that he's too young to do it He's trying to balance political opinion

Everything he does, he has to think Well, he's just around my people who are fucking him All the time, that's what he's doing Yeah, what? But every decision he has to make, he has to also think, I need to save the world But also I want to get elected next term. Yeah.

Yes, well, I've got this job for life. Yeah, but also, if you slag me off in the press, you were going to get shot. Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean, right, yeah. So it gives them both very different negotiating powers and I think that's what Crucev misunderstood about JFK was he was like,

it's just two men playing a game of poker, right? Yeah. So we'd do a little bit here, a little bit there. But for JFK, he had to think about so much more, he has to go through so many more hoops. Because he's a fucking weak, Democrat.

He's a guy with a bad back from fucking too much, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. World War II, Pacific Boat. I don't believe it for a second. So anyway, back to the story, right? So anyway, Khrushchev starts, or what I don't know somehow

they put missiles in Cuba I'm probably skipping quite a lot after the Bay of Pigs because of the embarrassment America stopped surveilling Cuba right right after they've done that badly painted plane yeah yeah the PR's too bad for them to send any more yeah

this is clearly a brief window opportunity JFK or Eisenhower have also put missiles in Turkey that's a big thing yeah they put them in Turkey and then Turkey was like yes please my friend yes you want missiles please come in please my cousin also sell them to rug yeah how many you want my friend

good price good price please missiles fine I take missiles you want to rug you want salad do you want sauce yeah they haggled a great deal in Turkey they thought was a great deal yeah it was they realized they lost lots of money the rugs weren't real they also put missiles in Italy yeah I think if you're going to put missiles in Italy and Turkey you've immediately got a weak hand so I tell you something you want those missiles fired they're not being fired. You go, you go, you don't mean it. You don't mean it. Please. You wait. Wait, my

friend. Sit down. It's fine. That's what happens in both those countries. Both those countries have lag. They have Mediterranean. Mediterranean lag. Is that a term you're going to coin potentially? That's, I've just coined that now. Mediterranean lag. Mediterranean lag. You ask Mediterranean person to do something and there'll be a lag of an hour to half a day before it gets done. Is there a point, is there an epicenter where the lag increases? What is the Greece, where nothing happens at all. Right. Greece is just...

So, like, you push to Spain, there is lag, but it's not as much as Italy, not as much as Greece. Yeah, Mediterranean lag starts in Spain. Portugal doesn't have it, because it's windy, right? Then it gets Spain, and it starts to move, they have a nath of the day, all of it tired. Because it's not Mediterranean. Italy, Portugal?

Please, no, no, it's fine. No, yeah, Portugal's Atlantic country, yeah. So they lose the lag? They don't have no lag. Spain, sleepy, Italy, oh, it's too, no, it's not today, it's too hot. They're awake, but they're just fucking horny. They're just sort of sat and they're eating, you know, in Sicily, you know, they fucking eat granita in the morning. What's granita? Ice cream. How you start your day and you wake up, oh, I have ice cream,

I feel like that I go back to bed. In Scotland, you have ice cream on wedding days and never again. You have, yeah, yeah. One scoop of ice cream on your wedding day and then you throw up immediately and you repent for the rest of your life. life. Yeah, this is far away from Mediterranean lag. So then you get to like sort of Cyprus, and then Greece just, it's literally, fat man's out in a chair, not doing anything. Now, something that's close to the epicenter

Mediterranean lag, but doesn't have Mediterranean lag, and that's why there's so many problems is Israel. Yes. You can see that Israel maybe are not meant to be there by the way they act. It's clearly... They're in the wrong time zone. You're clearly in the wrong place, guys.

And that's why... There's so many fights going on. It's asymmetric warfare because Israel is doing things on time. And everyone else is like, hey, please, wait 10 minutes. I'll just get out of bed. But there's a natural order to things

and Israel by going against the Mediterranean lag and fucked everything up. That's why that region is such a mess. Yes, no, I agree. It's because it all works on their own schedule. Yeah. And Israel have come in. They've come in with Scottish energy.

Yeah. So anyway, so, yeah, so America has quite defunct Turkish missiles, but they're shit missiles, right? Because they got, they are shit missiles, I think. I think they're old. Sure. Please, no, good missile. Yeah, no, very good. Very good price. Please, please, please, please.

That's a rolled up rug. No, no, no, no, please, my friend, it's fine, it's fine. It works just like the normal missile. He's setting fires with real leather, please, please, please, please, my friend, sit down, watch, watch, watch, watch, right, right, right, to the bottom of the rug. And they're like, where is the dip vats we sent out there? Well, sadly, the toast guys have got them speaking to their cousins and then they've got them speaking to their other cousins. They're lost in like a web of market stores.

In a bizarre. They're in a sook somewhere. They sold incense. So, Crucev thinks, well, they've got missiles pointed out of us right on our border. We need to get them back. In this tiny little window, Crucev's like, let's roll the dice. Snake eyes. He's just like, yeah, he just starts jacking it.

Well, he's not getting sex from his wife. No. But he just goes, hoping. for snake eyes. You know, he's just a real, like, it's a mad. But also, there's no one's going to tell him any different, is it? Yeah, right. It's just him.

Yeah, he just goes. He's playing risk. Fuck it. He's not balancing other things. He's just like, let's put it in there. And masterly, they do get missiles into Cuba. Yeah. And then when surveillance starts happening again, they just see photos of clearly missiles

Pope. Which is, you know why? It's because Khrushchev, in Cuba, they were like, oh, yeah, it's fine that you can, there's trees. Yeah. But Khrushchev's never seen a palm. tree before. Of course not. So he doesn't realize... He's a Russian peasant.

Yeah, so he doesn't realize there's no foliage at all on a palm tree. So that from the air, it's just like, well, that's just a missile there. He said the dense palm tree forest, which don't exist. Also, as you know that, they got all the Russians who put missiles in Cuba, were all wearing Hawaiian shirts. Do you know that? What is it? The first time they've seen the sun.

No, it's a disguise. They were like, right, don't wear your Russian uniforms, obviously, but just put on Hawaiian shirts. So it's basically a bunch of, like, 50-year-old autistic men who go on. to go on game shows in this country. A bunch of pointless contestants moving missiles onto Cuba. I watched Pointless recently.

The prize pot, I wasn't ready for how low it was. It's always so low. So funny. Yeah. Because I guess because watching like American games, I've seen like Mr. Beast games, the Squid games where Mr. Beast games,

the prize pot is 5 million, right? And they're giving loads of different prize. We can win 100,000 pounds. In Pointless, the starting prize pot is $800. And then if you like, pass with flying colours you get pointless three pointless answers at the end

it goes up to £1,250 £0. Yeah. And it's always like, so what are you going to do with that? Not much really. Probably two months rent, maybe. No, it's funny because it's basically their return fare home. If they come from like me, it's like well

I guess it's peak time now, isn't it? I've got to leave at five. Yeah, someone said he's going to, literally was what's your point list. The guy won it said he's going to put new shelves up. Brilliant. Like, you could have done that yourself. So anyway, so to recap, Kennedy is absolutely ankle-deep in clunge. He's kind of, he doesn't know what's going on.

Castro is bouncing in his car. Angle-deep in clunge, but he's in a bouncy car. Khrushchev's the only guy who doesn't have a face full of muff. And because of that, he's taken this opportunity. He's saying all of the other players in this really tense geopolitical situation literally have not come up for air me in my sexist marriage I've got a small window here

in which to put nuclear missiles about 100 miles away from the American border yeah so he puts them there and he uses a bunch of pointless contestants to smuggle missiles onto the Cuban mainland and then the pictures are because they're on like the beach and they're seeing all these Cuban guys

these hot sexy Cuban guys who are playing like volleyball you know It's just like they're having the best time ever And it's like, they're fucking... There's some pale men in Hawaiian shirts. It seems to be... What are they carrying? Is that a massive rolled-up rug?

What's going on there? Why do theirs ones not look like rolled-up rogues? Hang on. That sounds like an actual missile. Not my friend, they're please. It's the same model, I promise. So, uh, it sent then the... It starts, what happens?

They take a photo. The U-2, U-2 surveillance plane, which is Bono, the edge, and the other guy. Yeah. They're flying over Cuba. Before they decided to pivot into music, they were reconnaissance flights.

Yeah. But after this whole crisis, they decided that it was too much than they said, we're going to make, you know. Fuck, it. It's tiring, lad. Yeah. It's fucking tiring.

The flights. The flights over Cuba. Joe fucking far away Cuba is. Who's flying the plane? And the fucking poverty. Because Bono's not flying it, I reckon. No, Bono is flying it. Do you reckon?

Yeah. Yeah. That's why he's got those glasses. Yeah. so Operation Mong is still happening they're still trying to kill Castro right we're getting into what 62 is this what yeah here we go

but there's a meeting right and this is the only time that JFK meets Krishov and this is before any of this happened and it's also there's a lot of tension going on in the Berlin Wall right so that's where the wall is just about to come up right yeah it's everyone's leaving East Germany to go to West Germany because they got no bread right

and so the East Germany is going like, is that a nightclub where people are just getting fisted? I quite like to get it. Is that a nightclub where you can just go in and you just get a fisted and then you can leave? I thought I'd like, everyone's just kind of like, yeah, I guess it's nice to listen to the three songs on repeat in a village hall.

Those guys seem to be listening to like techno and they're having like sex parties and it's fine. And quickly the communists in East Germany realize this is unsustainable if we lose all of our guys If they all go to Bergheim, then we're going to lose everyone. So they're starting to build a wall, and it's like, this is a real, they meet. There's a big meeting, right? I don't know where it is.

I think it's in Vienna, I think. It's Vienna, yeah. And Kennedy's 43, smart guy, obviously, but Khrushchev's been around the block, right? Khrushchev has won Takeshi's castle to beat. Yeah. So he is like a real political navigator. And Khrushchev just completely... He's also physically, literally a bowling ball.

So he's quite intimidating. Khrushchev balls full of cum. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely jacked the nines on come. Yeah. Kennedy's woozy because he's got no cum on his balls. There's no like drive to it.

Cruzev, it's about to blast out his head. There's no adrenaline. There's no cum. It's just, it's just empty. But by all accounts, Khrushchev just completely bodied him. Right. He just completely like big-time to him.

Yeah. You know, and Kennedy just leaves completely. Like, they even have, like, an ideological argument about capitalism versus communism, right? And, yeah, and Cruchev completely bodies. But then Chris says, like, right, I'm going to put the wall up because everyone's going to Burkheim. Yeah. So he puts the wall up to stop people going to Burkheim.

Yeah. And then Kennedy comes back and he's like, right, I'm, I've been out, I'm weak. Yeah. Right. So then does he start flying over Cuba again or? I don't actually know the timeline. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

This is not about what actually, who knows. At some point, you two are flying over Cuba. yeah right and bono looks down and he sees the pointless celebrities holding missiles that are actually missiles yeah rather than some magic carpets some boss men sold the americans in turkey yeah and uh maybe we'll maybe we'll leave this there i think this is the time to leave so that's so that's all the context you should need for the cuban missile crisis that's all you need uh in part two we will get on to the actual crisis itself um uh and if you can't wait to see what happens that's good That episode is already on our Patreon for three pounds of money

so you can become a truther. The next episode is already there. But otherwise, thank you for listening. Either way, we'll see you next time. See you next time.