Fin vs History - Was this the worst time to be alive? | The First Crusade (Part 1)

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

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responsibly. Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm here with Horatio Gould. And today we are talking about the first crusade. It's the first time we've gone outside of like the Cold War outside of like a hundred years ago. It's the first time that I, you know, it's called Finn versus History. it's the first time that I'm entering this fight thinking well history's going to win this

I could not be less interested yeah well you lack a nosiness that I think I have you're like there's no point checking down there I just leave some rocks you should just leave unturned I think anything that's over 200 years old yeah well no what are you doing

rooting around there well this is your this not only am I incredibly bored by this yeah this is your this is your mastermind topic essentially isn't it? This is you, you were gunning. Yeah, I was gunning for it.

When I was suggested doing a history podcast, you were like, yeah, we could do a podcast about the first crusades. Every week, we could do another thing of the First Crusade. And I, I'm aware of like Crusades, Richard the Lionheart. Yeah. That's vaguely exciting. But that's the third one. Right. So this is like. But this is the, this is the, this is Godfather one. No, no, no, no, it's not. This is phantom menace. This is the, this is a prequel to the exciting stuff. No, no, no. This is, so.

Um, do you want to, maybe we could start by you explaining why you've got such a raging lob on for the first crusade. Well, I love, I love the Middle Ages in Europe anyway. Between the Fall of Rome and the Renaissance is the funniest period in white people history, I think. Right. Because it's just when we're the thickest. Yeah. We look, we forget a lot of stuff. And it's also, you can, it's, you can paint with quite a broad brushstroke. Like, I like the middle ages because society sort of makes sense in a way. there's peasants there's a baron there's a knight

there's a castle yeah there's a church you know it's all quite simple oh so it's more from a kind of you find today quite hard to manage yeah I do famously with your undiagnosed

neurodivergence yeah it just made sense it's almost like in society in the middle ages everyone's a chess piece exactly your movement is restricted exactly so I'm a monk

I can only move in this way I'm a knight I go over here and then you go back to the Romans and it gets kind of complicated again there's loads of multiple gods Love the Romans. No, I like it.

It's just not as funny to me. I find this the funniest. Because Romans kind of interesting, fascinating and expiring. Yeah. But this isn't inspiring. No, this is grey. In my head, the weather for 800 years was grey. People ate porridge.

Yeah, yeah, that's it. And then all every third. Never left to a village? Babies died. Yeah. So it's just, we have him for breakfast. Porridge. Yeah.

Oh, I'm pregnant. Good luck with that. That's not going to end well. Exactly. I was speaking with Paddy about how bad it is on Instagram, how many attractive women you see at once. Yes. Whereas back in this time,

you wouldn't see any attractive women, maybe one would go through your village on a carriage at high speed. That would be like the princess. That's the only time you'd ever see an attractive one. So everyone is, fuck ugly. You can't believe it.

Yeah. You can't believe how ugly these people are. So when do people become attractive? I would say, well, I think they used to be attractive. Well, yeah, Romans are fit.

Because I think the Romans, the Egyptians, Cleopatra. Yeah. She was a bit of a bad show. Yeah. I think the Renaissance, I think they start. That's why it's called the Renaissance.

Yeah. It's people who start getting attractive again. Yeah, it's the rebirth. They start thinking, do you know what? Should we try and stop being ugly for once? Yeah, yeah. You can't believe it. This is the 1090s.

1090s, the 90s. The 90s. Yeah. Friends is on the TV. They come home from middle ages school. They watch friends and then Scrubs. It was a golden age. No social media.

Television. Golden age television. Keenan and Kel. Yeah, like skateboarding is big at the time. Avrilavine. Texas are in the charts. Oh, you know what, it's growing on me. The Berlin Wall doesn't exist at this point?

Berlin Wall's not, no, exactly. And 9-11 hasn't happened yet, so it's the 90s. So Blair sweeps to power. It's the end of history. So this is the 1090s, not the 1990s. The 1090s, this is after the Norman conquest of Britain. Yes. Just, quite recent.

But before Helen Keller was born. Right. If Helen Keller, to be honest, though, I reckon she would have been missing out on less if she'd been born in the 1090s. It wouldn't make a difference. No. Her life experience as the only,

the most notorious, dem, duff, dumb, blind. Deaf, dumb, blind. Is that everything she had? Mute. I think she had a full house. Full house. Disabled bingo.

Ding, ding, ding. Her life would not have been any different had she been born in the 10, and she probably had the most, she probably had the most interesting people to speak to from this time period. She would have had the most stories. so boring and gray is this time period

that a woman who had literally never seen or heard or spoken at all in their life would be the most interesting person in the room and partly why I like the Middle Ages because there's quite a lot of dark ages in human history where people are thick and stupid and live in villages, right? But what's great about the Middle Ages

is you still feel it now. Like the Middle Ages, the shadow of it is still in this country. You still feel parts of it. Yes, you travel outside the M25. You know what I mean? But it's like recognizable. Like, if you go back to, like, I don't know, the Bronze Age, you can't really comprehend that.

But when you hear about the Middle Ages, you can sort of see it in a lot of towns. Do you know what I mean? I can't. Well, I can't. To me, it's less vivid. Really? Yeah. I think the sort of 16th century is where I just can't really imagine.

You can't get faster. Well, maybe this point of this podcast is trying to make you finally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did. So in preparation for this, you sent me a five-part audio documentary series. And I got to up to about the middle of part four. And I'll be completely honest. I fell asleep in every part.

So it's just... And also, what I've noticed is that the... The historians that talk about the First Crusade are the biggest dwebes you've ever... The First Crusade, the Crusade is left from... They've got the biggest lisp. They've got the dwebius voices. They're clearly the largest versions of any history.

Historians of, like, Napoleonic era onwards. They're hot guys. What? Really? Yeah. They're shaggers, right? It's the difference. Between Tom Holland... There we go.

That's exactly... This is what everyone looked like and I love it. It's the difference between Tom Holland and his brother. Right. Okay. Dominic Holland's got a fit haircut.

Does he? Goes around the tanks. Yeah, I guess so. I wouldn't like to be stuck with him at a barbecue. No, I mean, I wouldn't be like... I wouldn't like to hang out with either of them. I'm not...

I'm not going around to the Holland family. I guess it's sort of tall its dwarf once again. What I liked about the Crusades podcast is... Do you know that scene in Phantom Menace when they're underwater and there's a... big fish and they get eaten by a bigger fish. No. And they say there's always a bigger fish.

I also fell asleep during the Phantom Maness. I should stress that. But there's basically there's always a bigger fish. Right. That was the, and it was like there's always a more boring cunt is what I learned. About. Yeah.

Because they kept bringing an expert and they're whineer and more specific. They'd get, they're more specific their expertise. The more they are like, and then by the end it's just plod and it is actually white noise that I could sleep to. This is an expert of just the year 1097. He was also an expert in never getting his dick sacks. Literally never.

Yeah, he's got a doctorate. He's got a doctorate in not getting laid. From Cambridge. In not getting laid. If he got his dick suck and came, he would pulverize. He turned into dust. Well, he loses. You have to hand in his dissertation.

Well, lose his license. He loses academic license because he has, he's done a postgrad. He was selling classes on four. For ten years, he has not. not had any action at all. Right. What do you think it's happening in the world

at the moment? So it's the 1090s. How do you see it? So the weather's grey. Go on. People are eating porridge. Right. On their birthday,

maybe they eat the head of a pig. Yeah. Women, I mean, women having a really rough time. You can say that until roughly the 1980s, I think. Unlike before when they were having a brilliant time. They were bashing it. The ninth century was really the women's century. Yeah.

No, women are essentially oxes that are allowed to live indoors. Yeah. so um well now what sorry i'm talking about nowadays sorry in the 1090s we're talking about history sorry sorry sorry sorry my opinions are coming out again sorry sorry so there's not fin versus politics no it's not it's not fin versus current affairs women are essentially oxen that live indoors anyway back to the history um they're they're wearing uh aprons yeah and they are um they're they're stirring big pots yeah and they're always pregnant but they're never they're never they're almost never breastfeeding because the babies were always dying.

Well, they finish giving birth by the age of 18, but they've had seven kids. And they then die at 21? Yeah. So part of the issue... Forever 21. Forever young. Part of the issue of this period is...

Never old. There's less jeopardy. When you hear someone died, you go, well, yeah. People basically died. Yeah, there'll be a guy with a death cart, and you chuck one of your three kids who died. Yeah, exactly. You chuck them on the cart, and then you chuck them a tuppence, maybe.

Wouldn't it be a tuppence? You know, in one of the podcasts, they're talking about, like, oh, teary goodbye to your family. It's like, that's just waking up. Oh, will we make it through? Yeah. It's just grim. People are eating porridge. Everyone has awful hair.

Everyone's, dumb and dumber. Dumb and dumber hair. Everyone's got dung and dothers. Everyone's got bowl cuts. Yeah, but everyone's a blacksmith. Or a blacksmith's leather. Yeah. Or a blacksmith's wife.

Yeah. That's the job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just hitting, dong. Everything is just dong. All the noises. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's it.

That's it. That's the soundscape. That's the sound scape is just, don't, like that. Everything is squealing. There's just loose pigs. In my head,

in my head, there's just pigs. It's before, it's after the Norman conquest, but it's before the domestication of the pig. Yeah, people are battling off wild hogs daily. Yeah.

Pigs are running around. There's also like, there's 15 people in your village. There's no choice. And you never leave your village. And you're related to all of them? Yeah, probably, yeah.

And there's, And there's no toilets. Yeah. So the toilets are just, there's just slop. Shit everywhere. It's like Glastonbury on the last day. Yeah, it's a lot like Glastonbury.

People have the same haircuts, weirdly. People have done their own air at Glastonbury. All the good bands are played. It's just, now it's just you're in the healing fields and there's some boring cunt talking about religion. I was in the healing fields last summer and there was a blacksmith there.

Really? Because they all try and recreate this thing. There was literally a blacksmith. There's one thing I hate more than the middle ages. It's people who live now. We try and live in the Middle Ages. Fuck me. In medieval village, sewage was typically disposed of in cess pits.

Fuck me. So you have a village pit where you just empty all your shit into. I think it also is hard to know what was a cesspit and what was your house. Yes. Like they'd often, if the light wasn't very good, they'd often get confused with what's a pile of the village is shit and what's my home. You come back from the ale and you go, oh, I fell into the cesspit again. The tavern would have been quite lit, I reckon.

If you're boxed in, like start stamping on town. table, singing, you know, I think that could have been quite fun. Drinking mead. People drinking mead. Now, my father-in-law has given us mead. Right. He makes mead. He makes cider.

You're trying to work out how to say it and you're just, yeah. There's no way of disguising this. My father-in-law makes me. He's made me, but he's made, I'm, I think he's made mead once, which is once too many in my mind. I reckon so. I think, I think if that happens to you, you should end your own life. There's a reason why mead's not on draft.

I think you should take your own life. If you ever, if you ever thinking, I'm going to make me today, I think you should kill yourself. But that's my opinion. Well, you've got nothing else to live for. I think that's a warning sign. It's a red flag.

If you're making your own mead, you need to check yourself into Dignan Tas. Anyway, the middle age's life expectancy was around 30 to 35 years. Now, I don't know about this stats though, because I think the informal mortality was so high that it keeps that number really low. So it wasn't a loads of people dying on their 30th birthday. Right.

It's like, if you made it past 10, you'd probably make it to 70, I think. But what am I... Is it also that people who are 30 look like they're 60? Are people aging that badly? Oh yeah, you'd look... You'd look...

21, you'd look 60, for sure. Because this is before athletic greens. This is before... Moisterizer. Just basic moisturiser. Yeah, this is... How many times would medieval people bathe? I think you bathe three times a year

and you'd wear... Remember, the clothes of the average... I imagine the clothes of the peasant is you have one giant piece of fabric and maybe a whole of it and like and you've got an axe

and you carve out each bit of clothing you want so now we go to the shop and you pick out each bit but instead it would be like you've got one piece of brown fabric and it's like square so now let's do trousers

let's do top and then the hat you just have like a bit of it's like cause basically people look for like they're from cause most people washing their faces

and hands regularly but only taking a full body bath a few times a year Brilliant. Yeah, so absolutely stinks. Everyone stinks. There's a large village cesspit, which is the toilet. Right. Which people are just squashing and shitting into? Yeah. Yeah. There's loose pigs running around.

Yeah. People are ugly. They're dying. They're eating porridge. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's Taxes Extra. So how we ended up here.

So Western Europe especially is a backwater. Yeah. Right. So we're talking about the Middle Ages like this, but not the rest of the world's not like this. Like Islamic golden age is happening. They're just pushing the human civilization further that's ever been pushed before.

It's like completely different to the Western Europe. But Rome was the center of... Rome was the center. Yeah. And then in 476, it fell to asterix and obelix. Yeah, the orbs basically. so barbarians came through collapsed

and kind of Western New York hadn't really properly recovered it had been undeclined for about 200 years before then so it wasn't like

that was the moment it was at the height and then it collapsed then it'd been kind of shitty for like 200 years bit like Britain now bit like Britain now and Gibbon

who wrote one of the most famous histories the rise and what does he sound like hello the history of the decline of fall of the Roman Empire well he has a very

he wrote this in the 1700s and it was a very controversial history where he basically said the reason why Rome fell is because they adopted Christianity and Christianity is a soy boy cuck religion yes right yeah blessed other meek all that bullshit right right it's basically he says it's like slave a slave morality it's like you're it's always about like it's woke basically yeah they went woke they went broke is he saying because they used to be kind of pagan alpha chads where it was about civic virtues yeah it was about the power of the will Nazis place. So the Romans and Nazis

and then they get infected with the weight. And then they have this on and they start caring about like peasants and poor people and forgiveness and only the rich

passing through the eye of the needle that sheer so the Romans and Nazis and then all of their civic virtues collapse. Yes. So Rome declined so hard from the second century AD

to the 6th century AD the population goes from a million to 30,000 right? Wow. Yeah so it goes from Birmingham to Lewis I don't know. And is that play

plague? No, that's just because it's no longer a centre. People are leaving it's collapsing. So people are fleeing the woke cities. Yeah, because I think I'm in dire ahead of the fall of Rome is it's this great citadel and then the barbarians finally break in and they destroy all the statues and the stuff

but it's been on decline for years and years. The statues are they're already glued on. The council is not picking up trash. Like it's a, also it already fell 150 years earlier. They got it back. Right. But like it really isn't a bad way.

So then Western Europe is just a backwater and Britain is a backwater for a backwater. Yes. Because even the French is a backwater, but we're so, we forget how to draw for 200 years. Well, there's no art in Britain. We just forget how to do it.

Yeah. So the Romans taught us how to draw and then we forget everything. So not only are we living like we've just described. Yeah, pigs, slurry, porridge. You're living under the statues that the Romans left. Yeah.

So they're just there. And you're like, how the fuck do they do that? And we literally, it was so backward that, yeah, the skill of drawing left these aisles for a good 200, 300 years. Right. And when does it come back? I think it comes back maybe with the Normans and stuff. Oh, the Saxons.

I think the Saxons start bringing it back. Okay, fine. So are we Celts at this point? Yes, Britain's. The Saxons are starting pouring in from like 600. No, probably, we're the Saxons and start moving in now. Right. Sorry.

Right. Sorry. I just reminded me of that. Let's go back on my Google Doc. Rome has fallen. So that's Western Europe. Rome has fallen, Western Europe is a set. Everyone has got dumb and dumber haircut, Western Europe. Now, when Rome fell is split into two halves, the Western Roman Empire, which is Western

Europe, and the Eastern Roman Empire, which is the whole eastern half of the Roman Empire. This is the other, the other difficult thing with this is that they're using, the map is fucked. Right. Right. Is that the Eastern Roman Empire is what, the Balkans? Balkans, Greece, North Africa, a turkey, huge amounts of Turkey, parts of Russia, you know. And that center is...

Where's Asia Minor? Asia Minor is my Google search history. Yep. I mean... Delete, Charlie, delete that. Asia Minor's Turkey, right? But Turkey's also Byzantine. It's owned by the Byzantines at this point, right?

And then Asia, big Asia. Asia Major. I don't think they have a major. Right. They've only got a minor. Right. But I guess it makes sense because it's like a little Asia, right?

Yeah. Turkey. Very good prize. Yes, please, my friend. They're mainly doing haircuts at this point. Yes. They're singeing off people's eyebrows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're doing the thing where they're pulling the wax out your nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this is why, so they're bossing it. So even though Western Rome has fallen. Yes. Eastern Rome is turned into the Byzantine Empire, which is thriving.

Rugs. Incents. Constantinople. so this is Istanbul back then Biggest city in the world Yeah so this is nothing to say Is that the city The idea of the city

Hasn't really caught on in the West In the West Biggest city in the West At this point is probably Paris With 20,000 people Yeah so Paris Constantinople I think they could be pushing a million

So Paris in the 1090s Is a small toilet Whereas now it's quite a large toilet Yeah Yeah yeah Yeah Yeah so Constantinople

Greatest city in the world Centre for all this Rome is still the centre of the Pope and the Catholic Church even though it's not like as powerful at all as it once was it's still where the Pope lives and then in 1054 there's the Great Schism Do you like that? The Great Schism And this is where the historian of this period

schismed from ever getting pussy ever again Yeah he decided to schism from his parallel universe Self who might get pussy at some way And that is when the Western and Roman, Eastern half, because they're Christian, right? Yeah. They split. West becomes what is now a Catholic, right?

Where the center is Rome and the church. Pidos. And yep, that's where that starts. They decide, there's a debate over the age of consent. Yes. And they're like, age of minor, can we fuck it? It's like, no, that's a country. That's Turkey.

We're trying to explain that to you many times. And then the Eastern half becomes the Orthodox Church. Yes. Which the center of that is the patriarch of Constantinople. as opposed to the Pope. Now, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, I don't really understand. I don't understand that either.

So that is what, the difference is still there today from this moment. Charlie, can you Google what? I know their crosses look a bit more swag. Have you noticed that their crosses? They sort of look like Jews. They look like Orthodox Jews a bit.

Yeah. Because this is pre-Reformation. Yes. So they're splitting about Catholicism. Yeah. And this is, to be honest, it's mainly about what's the center of Christianity. Is it Constantinople or is it?

Right. So the Catholic Church. There is obviously a bit about bread in this, obviously, because it's a split in Christianity, so it's about... What do you view the bread as, which seems to be quite a contentious issue? Is it a loaf or is it a flatbread? Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No, it's the Lord of Lord and Satan Jesus Christ. So Catholic Church believes that the Pope has a supreme authority of the church and that he's a successor of St. Peter. Yep. Who's the doorman of heaven? Yep. He's the bouncer. No, you're not coming in.

No, bring some more girls. It was ladies night tonight. Right, Orthodox Church, priest can get married. That's the difference. Okay. Catholic Church, no marriage, you're nonsense. Orthodox Church, no thanks. We want to get married.

Which feels like early doors, if I could go back in time, I would tell the Catholic church, let them marry. You can't believe what's going to happen. You will not believe the consequences of this decision. Charlie, can you Google if there's been any paedophilia scandals in the Orthodox Church? It says in medieval times there was a lot of paedophile rings. Yeah, but they didn't give a fuck.

But also, the notion of paedophilia in the middle-aged. didn't exist. So who are you going to tell? The notion of paedophilia in the Middle Ages is different when if people are living till 30, your prime years to fuck are until age 10. I just doesn't have a concept because as soon as you've hit puberty, it's fair game. Yeah. Do the Russians and the Greeks get on?

Because I don't know any other orthodox countries or maybe parts of Eastern Europe. Do you know what I mean? Serbia. Balkans are all. So, yeah, all former Soviet states, right, they're kind of orthodoxy. I don't fucking, okay, anyway. Because it doesn't feel like the Greeks and the Russians hang out in a way that they probably should. No, because the Greeks, well, the Greeks don't hang out.

Greeks are like, come to mind, and Russians are like, no. And they're like, oh, well, I sit here, I sit there, I sit there a chair. Right. Brilliant. So that's the between Roman and Western Europe. So the great schism happens in 1054. The churches separate. Also at this time, because we don't really learn about it this,

because it doesn't, it's not as relevant to us. At this time, the Muslims are absolutely killing it. Right. Right. And even though Christianity's been around quite a lot longer, the expansion of the Muslim empire is like unprecedented. Yeah. Out of the deserts of Arabia, this guy called Muhammad.

They're fleeing Syria and they're going to Germany. Merkel's letting him in. They're just going to Cologne. Muhammad comes out of the deserts Arabia and he's already like a, well, I didn't realize, he's like a military commander. When people say like Islam's the original piece, it's been bloodshed from the get-go. Like Jesus, he was all like, peace and love man. But Muhammad was like, was the fucking chopping people's heads off.

Jesus was a hippie. Yeah. Muhammad was like a weightlifter. Yeah, he was a Chad. And they create, I think the fourth biggest empire in the whole of human history in about 150 years, the Arabic caliphate, right? And with some of the best generals and commanders

the world's ever seen. Like this guy, Khalid Ibn Al-Walid. We would never heard of him, but he's like Napoleon level, great. I feel he's like Muhammad Sala where it's like, he's obviously one of the prem greats, but he maybe doesn't get his flowers because we struggled to like

view an Arabic football in the same way. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You know, if he was Spanish or Brazilian, I think maybe we'd give him a bit more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this guy, no one ever heard about him, but his numbers are like unreal. So he, and this is a guy. So he comes out of Saudi Arabia?

Yeah, I think so. I mean, this is early Arabic Caliphate, where it's just, it's swirling out of Arabia, but it takes over all of North Africa. It takes over huge swathes of land. It also takes over Spain. Yeah. And it almost takes France, 130 years after Hamid. Wow.

They reach France. And they only get defeated at the Battle of To, Which is Romans. Which is no French. Right. So this is these guys. The French won a fight? Yeah.

Fuck me. Well, actually technically French has won more wars than anyone in human history. Their numbers are actually the best. I don't, I don't believe that at all. I don't think so. And that's like, so like racist French politicians will bring up the Battle of Tours. England top. German next.

Right. And then, I don't know. That is the, yeah. But they went that far and they only got beat back at the Battle of Tours. And they kept Spain until like the reconquista, which was like 1,200 as well. Reconquista. Yeah. So Islam are killing it.

Baghdad is the the center of all human flourishing in the world. It's very different to it now, but it's the greatest city in the world, probably. That or Constantinople. Ironically, they do have

weapons of mass destruction in the 8th century. But that's like an abacus. Well, that's just a big fucking crane with a ball on it. Yeah. It's a wrecking ball. So they invent algebra

of the decimal system. Trigonometry, they invent the podcast. They start the podcast. They start the podcast. Trigonometry. Francis Foster is. early Muslim Caliph.

Which is ironic because I think those guys think Islam is destroying the West. But they are using an Islamic concept. Concept, right? They're very hygienic. They have lots of bathhouses. Couldn't be more different from Western Europe at this point.

So they've been killing it for like 400 years. Then due to some succession crises, the empire's too big. They kind of start breaking apart. The Sunni and Shiite differences start coming. You know, yeah. What's going on here? I don't know a lot.

All like, I'm trying to work out. Every time I try to work out, it makes no sense to me. Basically, the Shiites believe that Islamic leadership comes from Muhammad's bloodline. They believe in the power of the Nepo baby. Yes. Imams like popes have an infallible interpretation of the Quran, right? So it's quite a lot like Catholic church, I guess. Yes.

In some ways. Yes. Where you're kind of trying to keep it on Mohammed's bloodline. Then Sunnis believe it should be decided by a council and revelation comes from the study of the Quran. rather than the Quran Study what Well, studying the Quran is the Quran Right

But what did they just say Sorry, I think I've got bored While you were talking Yeah, I thought so Yeah Right So out of this power vacuum From Central Asia

Yes Right Kind of Seljuk Turks Who end up being The Turks we know And love today So Seljuk is what A Turk is

Yeah, I guess so Yeah It's a type of Turk I guess Yeah, how many types of Turk Are there? I don't know You've got boss man

You've got Barber You've got Seljik And you've got Seljik Seljuk. Yeah. And they start taking all of Byzantians land in Asia Minor.

They start conquering Turkey. Very good, but they start turning Turkey into very good price. Right, okay. So actually Turkey at this point actually is kind of Chad Greeks, right?

Which again, is a concept, I just cannot imagine. I can't imagine an alpha Greek. But now it's been taken over by guys with big monobrous. Is this an alpha Greek that's sat on a slightly higher chair?

Yeah, it's higher chair. The posture's better. Remember this is a thousand years ago, so they haven't fully fallen into the plastic chair. They haven't reclined yet. Yeah. But basically they start taking all of Byzantians land in Asia Minor in Turkey. So the head of Byzantine, Alexios I first, is like, this is fucking terrifying.

They're going to come for Constantinople. He calls on his brothers in the West saying, I need help. I know we're schismed, but we're both Christians. Let's kick the muzzies out. Basically is what he's saying. And then Pope Urban II, who loves hip-hop. That's why he called himself that. Well, urban, of course, he's a black pope.

Yeah. It's the second black pope. It's dog whistle language, but he's a, hey man, hey man. Let's get a, let's get a crusade. Yeah, his name was just David, but everyone called him Pope. Oh, that's that urban Pope. And everyone was like, come on, guys. Again, this is the Middle Ages.

So people are not as enlightened us today. Yeah, he's a Pope of color. Hey, man, I won't get a crusade together. Yeah. He calls a meeting in Clermon. He's got a big fur coat. he's got a big he's got a big white ribbed hat hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey baby hey hey baby so he's a pimp he's a pimp scroll down

yeah he's a pimp so alexios uh so the boss man in constantinopold it's like please my friend please my friend my friend the the so he's scared of the Muslims is but is he Muslim no he's Greek Orthodox yeah so he's like he's like please please my friend the Muslims are coming. Yeah. And he's like, hey, baby. I got, hey, baby. Don't worry about it, baby.

Coocherman, I got your back, baby. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't have put it better myself in. Yeah, so I think he says that at Claremont. He goes, he goes, now listen here. He goes, listen here. He goes, he gets up on the mic. Well, I've been trying about my notes.

I haven't even responded. And all I've heard is you've been, the 70s PIP accent. The problem is, I'm trying to get the next bullet point. Because it's not coming. The problem is, I haven't even looked at you. Hey, baby, hey, hey, hey, baby. The problem is, if Charlie's struggling to find the timeline, it leaves a vacuum of my accents to come into it. I'm like, Charlie!

Hey, baby, hey, urban, urban look after you, baby. Please, the Coochie Man here. So, Pupo, Perthman is also known as the Coochie Man. Yeah, the Coochie Man, and he's... And he delivers a famous speech at 1095 from the Councillor Clermart where he calls for the first crusade. They don't know what a crusade is at this point. This is the first ever. I want a crusade on these mozy motherfuckers.

Exactly. That's what he says. He gets everyone jeed up because it's disparate states, but they've never really united as Christendom. No. Right? And then because this is a huge undertaking, it's going to take like a year to set up,

obviously. You can't just go straight away. No. Right. Apart from this one guy, an insane homeless guy called Peter the Hermit, right? You know, why is he called Peter the Herbill? He lives to chaos.

Right, okay. Right. So have you ever been outside Camden Station? You know, those kind of, you know the homeless guys dancing to techno? Fuck, that's what the middle ages are. It's Camden. That's why I hate it.

It's awful. It's just Spanish people smoking weed in the market. That's what this is. Then it smells of shit. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer.

through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at slur.com and ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. So I love Peter the homic,

let's get a picture of him. So just like a truly mad homeless guy who lived in a cave, he's heard the calls of arms from Urban II, right? And he says, to all his present followers. Hey, baby.

So even for a stupid period of time, right? Yeah. These guys, him and his followers, right? Yeah. This is stupid within stupid. Right. They don't have a brain cell between them. So he's stupid for the very stupid times.

Yeah. So even with for this times, he's thick. He comes out and says, let's fucking go early, right? Yeah, yeah. Let's go now. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

Let's go now. And all the thick peasant, like, fucking yeah. Do it life. We'll go now. Yeah, it's literally that. It's basically like you want to get a right. glass from read on the Wednesday so you get a good camping spot it's early bird but he's doing he's dropping ease on the Wednesday night yeah yeah he fucks it he just completely fucks it he misses the whole

festival misses the whole festival wakes up in a cesspit on the Sunday oh fuck what right so he he gets um he jeez up loads of followers kind of like a pied piper figure this guy right 60,000 peasants right so the crusade involves knights women children where is he is he french He's French or German? It's around that area, but these countries don't really exist at this point in the way that we'd know them. So he's from one of the European interstate, right?

Where's he from? We can probably bet. France, France. He's French. He's a stinky Frenchman. It's a smelly. He's from a smelly place. Right.

Yeah. So they decide to go early. They've got 60,000 people. They haven't really planned. That's kind of the whole point. Yeah. They've gone through Germany. And by the time,

So Germany's not that far from France. Yeah. It's a long way to go. Yeah. They run out of food and money in Germany. Yeah. Okay. Now, there's a lot of Jews who live in Germany.

What could possibly go wrong? I have to say, and this, I don't mean the Sun and Semitic, but this is one of my favorite bits of the story. Because Huggy Bear, whatever is called, the Pope has gone, hey, baby, let's get a crusade to go down and fucking get the Muslims. And then these guys are like, Muslims, yeah, well, they'll do. And then they just start massacring Jews. But what it is, is you're passing through Jewish towns. and you're like, well, I guess we can bend the rules a little bit. Yeah.

They've got lots of food. They're not not Muslims. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And so then one of the worst Jewish massacres happens in the Rhineland. Well, not the worst that the Rhineland will ever see. No, but one of them, I said.

But it's good to know that it is a German problem. Arguably a warning sign. Yeah. Well, I guess it starts here, doesn't it? Yeah. This is where the first Jewish podcast? Do you know what? I bet it's not even close.

Probably not. I bet it's every time I'm reading about a bit of history that I find interesting there will be one bullet point saying, oh and they mask of the Jews as like a throwaway thing. But that is because you're reading

the things you find interesting are when the Jews got masks. The history of Jewish massacres. There's a lot of Jews getting masculine in this. The history of pogroms. So basically it's kind of a stag do that this guy has raised and it's like a let's all go

on a massive bender. It's their full. football hooligans. Yeah. It's England. It's England are playing away. Flair up your ass. Yeah.

It's coming home. It's car. Jerusalem's coming home. Like that is like. And they start marching from France. So they got the food from all the Jews they've killed. Yeah. And they go through, you know, all the other countries.

And they arrive at Constantinople. Yeah. They've never seen anything like this before in their life. They've all come from villages. They've seen these huge walls. Yeah. Right. And while they're waiting because crossing the boss for us is very hard.

That's like that you. need the king of Constantinople to get you across the Bosphorus is that Bosphorus is a bit of water that separates Turkey Turkey from Europe Bosp Man for us boss man for us so and across the boss manor for us yeah so the boss for us is between boss man which is Turkey and the forest forest so across the boss manor for us is enemy territory yeah because the Seljit Turks have taken all of Turkey so that's kind of the line yeah where it really starts yeah okay they're all waiting 60,000 of the stinky

thickest, thickest peasants. I don't think you have horses, any of them. They're just... They've eaten the horses. They've eaten the horses, right? They've got flares up their ass. They're in Leicester Square.

Yeah. It's coming home. They're chucking chairs. Literally, there's reports. He's trying to get them across the boss for us as quick as possible because they're stealing roof tiles. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're waiting there. Gypsies, essentially. Literally. England football hooligans gypses. You can't leave them anywhere because they're just literally like, they're like a swoleering out of stuff. Yeah.

They ferried across the boss for us. They arrive finally in Asia Minor. They get it there. They can't believe this is awesome. They start having a massive piss up. They're dancing. This is fucking thick. They are just kind of drunk and disorderly the whole time.

Even though the whole point is that it's meant to be a religious crusade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You cannot believe how thick these people are. Right. You can't even comprehend it, right? They finally get there. Like, I don't know what their plan was. They don't know.

They have no idea what the Middle East looks like. They had no idea there are cities like this. They just got a 10 pack of cans You can't look up Google They have no idea what's happening They've just heard someone to say We better go there We're going to go in a year

Now that's fucking going out Yeah yeah yeah right They have a massive piss up Right And then the Seljerk turks Who are great horse riders Sorry a medieval English accent Depending on the time period

Would sound a lot like A typical American accent That's East Coast Do you not know about this? Do you not know about this Because it's actually quite interesting When people say When people say that Americans

don't speak properly, they actually speak closer to original English than us. Well, I'm walking here. Yeah, that's what I'm walking here. It's the people's crusade. So it's not like New Jersey guys were in the people's crusade, right? Right.

So the mafia, basically. That's what everyone sounds like. The gypsy mafia on a stag too. It's kind of Cornish American. Christ. I'm walking here. I'm walking here. Get that way away.

I'm walking here. But there's not a lot of English people in this because you never heard that fucking plane flew into that fucking tower. Look at that. There's another one. Oh my word. Two planes just flew and to it.

A combine harvester can fly. I think if 9-11 had happened in Cornwall, people would not give a shit about it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, they're 9-11. Do you know the Cornish terrorists who want Cornish independence?

The separatists? Yeah, do you know about them? Well, I don't know. I think if you're going to tell me they've done the 9-11, I don't know about this. Well, they're 9-11. It's a smaller scale. Oh, right.

Someone threw a pasty and against a horse. It's not too far. They blew up a Rick Steins. Did they? genuinely they blow up a ricksteins yeah i mean there's only 15 of them cornish terror group burns rickstein's restaurant and has first suicide bombers what when was this a separatist group calling for cornish independence has claimed responsibility for fire bombing a restaurant and claims it has its first member willing to die for the court you can't call someone a suicide bomber if they're willing to

do it yeah yeah i'll do it fuck it i'll do it that's not a suicide bomber a suicide bomber is is is evaporated Yeah. So talk about suicide bombers. We're in the Middle East. Sorry. Yeah. When in Rome? Right. So they got there. They got absolutely pissed. They're dancing around. They're doing sailing shanties. And then the Seljerkut Turks are just kind of watching them saying, is this the fucking... Is this the... Is this it?

These the guys that we're meant to be scared about. And they're like, they're kind of like Mongol riders. They're like horseback, curved blades. That's the sort of style. The Turks. Well, they're nomads, aren't they? Yes. So when I was awake for about 10 minutes during this podcast, the thing I picked up was that the Turks and nomads, which means they're better at war than the Crusaders. Different types of war. Different types of war. They're like cavalry.

Yeah. But then the Crusaders are like juggernauts. Right. They're huge, much taller, where giant bodies of armor, because we've got lots more steel and stuff like that. Yeah. And so we just sort of stand there like, ugh. Yeah. And they're really fast.

but both are good in different ways right but they completely massacre basically everyone on the first night they get across after all this yeah the first night in the they're like passed out hung over and they just go through the camp chopping people's heads off massacre them and urban hears about this and goes she oh she Your Holiness, the stack to the people's crusade to be massacred. Oh, hell no. Well, I don't think, I think he's like, well, yeah. I said, wait.

I said, wait, baby, you should have waited with me. I look half to you, sugar. Sugar plum, the kuch-kooch-kutche-man will get you good. So he said, so hooch-cuch-o-man is like, yeah, baby, you come with me. Right, so he then... Somehow Peter the Hermit survives, by the way. What? And he comes back...

Oh, not this cunt again. He comes back in the story, which is why I love about Peter-Hibber. I don't know how this. guy who's basically killed walked 50,000 people to their death. Somehow he escaped. He's responsible for

pretty much all the death on the crusader side. But somehow he survives. Right, okay. So hang on. So where are we in the timeline? This is like... This is 1096, 1095?

The actual crusade that Urban is like... It's about a year later. Yeah, so it's August 96th they leave. Yeah. Because they've got a lot of... Wasn't that when the Euros were on? They've got...

Yeah, 99. So Gaza was called. To place it. Yeah, yeah. So it's as Gaza knocks it over Colin Andrew's head, smacks it past Andy Gorham. So, um... They did have the same hair cut. The same haircut. Well, the Scottish team have the same haircut. 1096 and 9096.

Scottish, the Euro 96 Scottish teams' lids are phenomenally bad. Do you want to see it? So this is, I reckon it's pretty similar to the Crusaders 1096 lids. If you could Google image, Charlie, Andy Gorham and Jim Layton, this is Scotland's number one and two in the 90s, they are, I think, possibly the ugliest goalkeeping pairing any team's ever had. Now, we do throw this around a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but we keep

bringing ugly people into the podcast, that's why. Where's Andy Gorham? Yeah, there we go. Yeah, look at this fucker. Yeah. So they've got the same hair. That's a crusader. Yeah. A thousand years, the lids have not changed. That's basically a Neanderthor man. Yeah. Scotland had the first

Neanderthor goalkeeper, and it was called Andy Gorham. God, look at him. So the People's Crusaders, the mad stag do Gipos that flood, constantly open, the mascot straight away. And then the Pope's like, baby, I do, baby, baby, you just stay with me. And then you get the Prince's Crusade, which is the actual crusade, we're actual knights. But this is my point.

Why is it taking a year for them? Because what fucking affairs are they tying up? They've got to, what, tie up some pigs? They've got to, what, do some more shits in a hole? Like, what are they, what affairs are they tying up? Oh. Also, you said they're saying goodbye to the white of children. Nah, they're coming.

What? The wife and your kids all came along. What's the fucking point of going on a stack to you if your wife and kids are coming? And they send them away at some point because they're too bad vibes. They're like, you're really nagging us out. But they, it's everyone goes. Right. And it's led by, I mean, now you actually get some smartish people.

You get some of the knights, right, and some of the different leaders. So the big four leaders of the main crusader Arby are Godfrey of Bluon, Bohemond, Raymond, and Baldwin. Raymond, Baldwin, Bohemond and Godfrey. Sorry. So the heroes in this story are called Godfrey Raymond. Baldwin. Baldwin. And Bohemond. Alec Baldwin is leading the Crusades, right? So they're this big army. It's a lot better prepared. There's some actual talent in there. They now reach Constantinople. And there's a bit of tension between the Byzantians and the Crusaders. Because the Byzantians, they're quite like, I want to say fruity. And they look down at these kind of hicks, basically. Yeah. Even though these are not as stinky as the people of crusades.

Well, the Byzantinople presumably is full of, like, fresh produce, avocado, oranges, pomegranates, dates. And then... The newest fashions, everyone's kind of... These guys have really only... They're drinking wine. Oh, yes. And these guys have got porridge, basically.

It's basically porridge thrown into a wine bar. But there's still a lot of like... The Western Roman Empire, Western Europe still likes to think that they're better than Eastern Europe. So they're basically calling them pussies. Right. And they're saying like, that's basically it. Yeah.

Even though they're kind of... Like, they're going to... throne room and one of the knights just sits in the emperor's chair and it's like, oh, oh, I think you're a big man. Yeah, so there's a lot of this stuff. They're like burping and farting. It's all that sort of shit. This is also, this is Assassin's Creed, isn't it?

Yeah, that's when it starts. So that's in the Crusade of States that happen after the first Crusoeuvred. Oh, right. Okay. I played Assassin's Creed. Yeah. So you've got that sort of vibe is what it ends up being. Right, okay, fine.

And they do, they look like England football fans. They've got red crosses. I mean, yeah. literally England football fans now dress up as crusaders. Yeah, and the cricket and stuff, they dress up as night. So are they marching in chain mail

to the hottest place on the planet? Right. They've got horses, they've got carts, but yeah. I imagine they take their chelmow off and put it in a cart and push that. I don't know if they're doing the whole way because that's like an Iron Man, isn't it?

Yeah, basically. I mean, it's like an Iron Man every day. Every single day on Crusade is an Iron Man. This is why it's boring, is that it's basically just listening to Stephen Bartlett. eight months hearing about some cunt doing an iron man

but the reason why a lot of these people are going as well is because life is so shit yes and you're promised especially this is quite a more Catholic idea in general but it's like the the deeds you do here on earth is what gets you into heaven hey baby so it's penance

you do much is it penance? Go on his crusade baby I'll look after you and I'll get you I'll look after you baby the best nightclub in the world heaven hey coochie man will look after you yeah yeah He's got your back in the afterlife That's what you're saying He'll get you in guest lists

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just one more One more, one more And I guess like It does sound awful But if you're living in, I don't know A shit village You probably would go in Crusade Why the fact not?

If you die Yeah, it's better than being alive Yeah, it's true You're gonna die anyway And you might as well Like solidify your place in heaven Animals played an important role On the first crusade

Both as beasts of burden And it's symbolic ways These animals include horses Lions, leopards Leopards Where the fuck have they got leopards? So it's basically a circus. I can't, I can't even comprehend

what it looked like, the rabble. And this is moving through, I mean, how are they moving, are they on? So now they, they, they cross the boss for us. There's the siege in Icia that's quite boring. They just siege a city. And that's you saying that. Yeah. That's me saying that. Yeah.

And then the first interesting thing happens is the Battle of Doraleim in 1097, which we will discuss in the next part. So if you, if you, I'm saving the first interesting piece of information for, The next part. Fuck me. So if you can't wait to hear how the most boring crusade

carries on, that episode is already on our Patreon. For £3 a month you can become a truther. And you get a bonus episode every week. What's Charlie just pulled up there? Charlie's just put up talking about sodomy on the thing. What's the scoop on all the sodomy in the crusades? By modern or contrarianist definition,

sodomy wasn't a big deal in the crusades. Right, Charlie, I think we need to have an issue in the break about you bringing porn into the screen. We might have our halftime team talk. Yeah, about Charlie Googling sodomy. He's on the yellow. We're going to stop him off. This has happened way to be done.

But either way, thanks for watching. And we will see you next time. Bye.