Fin vs History - When Phone-Tapping Was Honourable | The Battle of The Nile (Part 3/10)

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

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Welcome back to Finn versus history. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Entered the Middle East. We're in Egypt. That was the siren call. That was a before woke historical epic set in the Middle East. A 1960s epic where, yes, you know, to today's eyes, the protagonist looks a rather bit blackface.

Sure. A Royal Shakespeare Company veteran, one of the great stage actors in the world, will be blacking up to play a brown person. A white man. and we'll be using black paint to play someone who's brown. Or they'll be browning up to play a black man because makeup was very sophisticated in those days. Yes, okay.

Unsophisticated, I meant. There was not the Dulux colour chart there is now. We are in Egypt. Well, I don't think that's why people are judging the... I don't think it's... Don't tell me how I'm judging it. I'm judging it on the sophistication of the grade. I feel that's not what people are talking about with the black face.

I think it's more... It's not now we've got a whole mirage colours to black up in. now you can really tell much more detail Matt Lucas, the sophistication of the Little Britain blackface

I could see the border between Uganda there's maroons and Kenya I could see the border in Matt Lucas's

black face you know when I'm looking at precious from come fly with me I can see I think that's St. Nevis

have you rewatch any come fly with me I fucking get to sleep with my ASMR come fly with me because obviously the little Britain lot William's getting

getting his Todger out and whatever Regually Allegedly, Lucas with the Blackface. They got a bad rap, you know. And then we kind of went, I was on a holiday, I know we went back to watch a bit of Come Fly with me. More to like laugh at it.

You could check in with the scripture. Check him with the candle. They bodied it. Because I thought it would be like really bad and dated. But I was like, fuck me, that's funny. I was really surprised. No one said it wasn't funny. The performances, they're both.

Because also, Walliams has always given me the crux, but he bodies it. He's fucking, both of them are dynamite. No one says it's not funny. Yeah. They've just a... They're just a Japanese schoolgirls. They,

they're, it's fucking awesome. Fucking... You know, if you have to go the BBC budget behind you, if I can do that. There's a talent there.

There's talent. Oh, there's unbelievable at being, being a white guys pretending to be black. They're unbelievable at it. You know,

I doth my blackface cap to Lucas and Williams. Yeah. Sages. Yeah. However, um, yes,

we're in Egypt. Sorry. Sorry. Quick black face. tangent before the Battle of the Nile. We are in 1798, and it is our first meeting between Napoleon and Nelson. Sort of. Sort of.

Trying to create narrative tension. This is part three of our... There's sexual tension between the two of them. I don't think there was. I think there was. The fact that they never met, I think the fact that Nelson's sort of crawling around in the moat. and then Napoleon's like a tiger walking around on land

there's just there's a kinetic sexual energy don't you think about them all just sort of and also the fact that Nelson sort of chasing after him well there's a bit of that and he's like who's behind me

yeah do you not find it really that there's a kind of there's an unspoken sexual tension there I don't think Napoleon had any sexual tension I think he just he just busted him two seconds

and that was it and he just made a little tense yeah he would take the sexual tension here they were like no it would have just who are top. Nelson's top. Nelson's top. Absolutely.

Yes. Nelson tops everyone. Yes, but I'll tell you what. Nelson might bottom because Nelson, as much as he can think for himself, he is a subservient man who will bend for a country. King and a country.

You know, and Napoleon doesn't bend for anyone. So he's going to bend down and think of England. Bend over and think of England. Because as much as he's a hero, he will bend when it comes to it. He lays down his life, you know. You're right. I think it would be fascinating because, you know, Nelson would go for the,

but straight away, just go the most direct thing. Napoleon would try and, he would expect that. So he'd think, right, well, Nelson's going to try and go for me, so I'm going to outflank him. I'm going to leave my ass unguarded. Because he knows that Nelson can't help. Alstilits, yeah. And then just with it, flip him and start bumming him in two seconds and then done. It's finished.

Which is also, that's my technique, I must say. That's my wedding night move. Well, you leave the flank. She comes in in the bride of the dress and I'm just let, I've exposed my, the Prattelan Heights. Not to skip ahead in the story. The Pratton Heights are exposed. That's what I call me.

Your tailored bumflat. It's your wedding suit. Yeah. I've got, I'm busted in the table of that and I only exposed. And now she goes to them by, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, flip them over. Right. You know. It's been a very sexual series, actually.

It's a sexual time. It's the romantic era. I guess, I guess it's, yeah, it's romantic. The Polian's got a slut wife with coal for a mouth. He's sticking his dick in for two seconds like a dog. Anyway, listen, we're getting ahead of ourselves. This is the first arena of, now, not to hum actually myself, but the Napoleonic Wars. Auterotic hum, actually.

Autoerotic, oh, actually, oh! The Napoleonic Wars have not yet begun. Right. This is technically still within the French Revolutionary Wars, okay? Yes. Just to calm down, okay, Fedora's back on. Because the French Revolution was nine years ago or so. uh yes roughly like that yeah so to recap nelson has lost an eye and an arm yeah napoleon is dominating continental

europe and by that i mean mainly the northern italy northern italy yeah um but he is earning he is dominating northern italy his wife his wife is being dominated by a game litre charles whatever however you call say his name yeah uh now napoleon is not yet uh the ruler of france but he is becoming such a fixture, such a celebrity. Also, that French state is very weak at the moment. It's run by like a council. Has it ever not been? Sure.

France is France. There is a vacuum as ever at the top of the French states. But Napoleon is becoming a kind of unignorable threat. Maybe it's the wrong word. There's a gathering sense that Napoleon maybe two, he's either going to take over France or he's going to have to. to be dealt with. Yeah.

Because he's too powerful. He's gaining too much esteem within the military. So all of the kind of boring, scared bureaucrats are trying to get him out of Paris, basically. Yeah, because there's starting to become a clamor. The French people want someone to just fucking lead them. Right. Okay. It's very quite Hitlerian, isn't it?

Well, it's a Hitlerian. This is 1930s Germany, but in France. In France, it's sacre blood. It's French Hitler. There's a Hitlerianness to Napoleon. as there will be throughout this story. So Napoleon is kind of starting to do his own thing, right? So he's kind of a law into himself.

Yes, Robbie Williams. Yes, his left take that. But he's not yet having a documentary where he's in his pants for the entirety of it. In his bed. Sad. Yeah. They seen that documentary?

Yeah, yeah, I did actually. He's in his pants and his bed. He's been like, yeah, no, it was actually, it was pretty good doing that. Yeah, that's meant I'll post that. Sit up and put some trousers on, Robbie. Yeah. Anyway, so why are they going to Egypt?

Basically, Napoleon has designs for two things. He wants to be Alexander the Great. And obviously, Alexander the Great is bossing around the Middle East. He says something like all great men, all great names have been made in Asia. He believes that if you really want to write your name in history, it is in that middle section that you have to have some. And he also, now at this point, the England have the East India Company. and we have pretty much, is it the Raj yet?

Maybe not. Not yet the Raj, but we're pretty much, we're running India, or at least the company is running India. I think running ports and we're extracting a lot of wealth from it, but I don't think it's...

Well, we're doing business with them. We're doing business with the Indians. Now... We're sending bobs to India. We're sending bobs to India, and they're gratefully receiving them. Part of the reason they get so angry is they stop getting their bobs.

When is someone going to give them their bobs? Give the Indians their bobs back. in the British Museum they're asking for their bobs back they want the Coenor Bob back to them anyway so

now Napoleon is one of the first people all right to spot that the Suez Isthmus could lead to a canal so part of England's great cuckoldry

in the 20th century is designed by Napoleon in. Interesting. He's the first person to think, if we just through that, we can get into the, what would be,

the Red Sea, and then out into India. Yeah. So, I think. Is that the same one? No, it's not. It's on the other side.

It's wrong one. Listener, this episode of Finn versus History is brought you by Surfshark. What more can we say about our friends at Surfsharp that we already haven't? They are the lone brave salmon.

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He also wants... Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know the same way you can skip an ad. I get it. I'm CIA. and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today, I'm still figuring it out.

Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. The Royal Canadian Legion is celebrating its 100th anniversary. And now our change has a $2 coin to mark this milestone. Honor the Legion's mission to carry forward stories of service and sacrifice to new generations and their dedication to supporting veterans and their families from coast to coast to coast.

Celebrate this enduring legacy. Find the 100th anniversary of the Royal Canadian Legion $2 coin today. He has designs for an empire and he's also trying to get the British via their trade routes. Because you can't attack the British directly. Fundamentally, strategically, it's not really justified. Here's the whole justification is I want to stop their lucrative trade in India.

I'm going to invade Egypt. The Bob's trade. I need to disrupt the Bob's trade. But none of our trade was going through Egypt, really. So though there's a small argument for it, it does not really make sense. The reason he's going is historical,

more than anything. Yes. It's to build his name. It's to. to walk Alexander the Great Walk, but it's strategically kind of pointless. And that's partly why Nelson has no idea where he's going because it makes no sense to go to Egypt.

Napoleon is an Enlightenment man. Sure. And he's consciously echoing the classics, Caesar, Cleopatra. And so his expedition to Egypt is the birth of Egyptology. Yeah. So he starts the fascination with Egypt. Because on his boats, there's all these scholars, philosophers,

there's never really been a fleet like it as filled with this many nerds basically. 150 savant, which is French for nerd. He's got the Humachaliz on his boat. 150 Humachshunds. And what's so funny about these guys, right, these sort of these book botherers, is that they get there and then they land in Alexandria

and then they have to walk to Cairo, which is miles in the heat, 50 degree heat or whatever, and they're so depressed and spazzed out by it. that they just, they're walking wearing wool uniforms and they just kill themselves. They just shoot themselves in the head while they're walking in front of the soldiers.

Who do? The savants. Really? Like a number of savants. You know, these great men, these scholars. Scholars and racists, the lot of them and they are so succumbing to dysentery, flies, heat, they just go mad and shoot themselves

in front of the marching troops. Anyway, Napoleon set sail from Toulon with 13 ships of the line. Ladies, I'm warning, what are you still doing here? We're discussing ships of the line. Yeah. 40,000 troops, 150 nerds.

Now, in June 1798, the British press publishes this wild propaganda because they think that Napoleon is going to invade Britain because all they know is that the fleet has left too long. Yeah. They could either come round the strait to Gibraltar and go and invade Britain. And the British, they don't know where he's going. They're going to go into Ireland, Portugal. They're going to attack the Ottomans.

Are they going to go to India? Um, there's all this thoughts that Napoleon's got like proto submarines, he's got a hot air balloon fleet. Or he's got a big shovel he's going to dig under the channel. He's just fucking dig under the tunnel. Yeah. They don't know where he's going. There's rumours that there is such a madman that were he to land,

the French would eat British babies. Is it an express, daily express sort of stuff? It hasn't really changed, to be fair. Uh, so, uh, in June 1798, uh, Admiral Horatio Nelson is given the mission to find Napoleon. Find where he's going and fuck him up wherever you find them. We're looking at a map now of the chase across the Mediterranean. I mean, he looks everywhere.

He's looking absolutely everywhere. He literally looks everywhere in the Mediterranean. No stone unturned. It's the heat map of a man who's really doesn't know what position he's playing. It's a bit like the heat map of Sol Campbell's never-ending slide tackle where it just goes off the pitch for ages. So he starts in Cadiz. He goes to Sardinia. then he goes back up to Toulon,

then he goes round to all the way down Italy, to Sicily. He meets the Hamilton's. Not yet. He does meet the Hamilton's on the way because he asks them where Napoleon. Everyone's giving him like tidbits about where Napoleon could be. Yeah, so it's very like, it's quite, yeah, it's quite. So he went there, Hamilton says that Napoleon's at Sardinia.

He goes there. They say that he has gone to Malta, you know, and it just keeps going. So he's looking all the way around, and then Whisper starts to get to him that maybe he's gone to Egypt. So Nelson lands at Alexandria, but can't find him. So then he leaves. But they've taken Alexandria.

No, no, literally 24 hours later, Napoleon lands. Right. And Nelson thinks, oh, he's not in Egypt. So they miss each other by 24 hours. Interesting. So then Nelson, as you can see, goes up to Turkey. And then it goes all the way back to Greece, before he starts to get information

that he is actually in Egypt. So they miss each other by a matter of hours. I don't know that. But what's crazy about this is that the Mediterranean's fucking massive. This is pre-Satnav. And you are hunting a fleet of 13 ships. I did think it would be easier to see a fleet.

I guess... The sea's fucking huge. I guess it's big, yeah. I mean, this is just pure instinct. Does Napoleon know that he's getting chased? I don't know that he does. Really? he's just flying about.

It does feel mad that none of this information is getting about. These two big fleets. There's a massive sea. There's other ships going around the gossip around the Mediterranean. They're not that big a fleet. It's not like... Also, I wouldn't believe... You're just a mad pirate guy.

I wouldn't believe you. I don't know how many fishing boats are bobbing around. Right. There's just... There's going to be a basic. It's going to be a Greek guy on the coast. And they're going to be like, have you seen Napoleon? He's like, I don't know.

I don't know, mate. I don't know. That way. Big sheep I go over there, but I don't fucking know. It's lunchtime, I don't know. So eventually, right, Napoleon lands in Alexandria in, is it July 1798. They capture Alexandria on July the 2nd. Should we play 1798?

1798, right. Well, what's that? So that's, is this after the invention of the spinning Jenny? surely jenny's must be spinning can we check that charlie yes yeah right so jenny's are spinning and is this

before Chinese security guard spins a man with his legs take a look at this this is the most Chinese thing you've ever seen in your life that's you introduce it's your dad introducing his new girlfriend yeah go go the second one second one

can check us out this most Chinese thing you've ever seen your life type ride walks in It was, this is, it was... Oh my God. Now, no, all I'm saying is that's my, that's my wedding night move. I show that I leave the flanks open and I flip my wife down and then that and suddenly I'm on top. Oh my God. So that's like the Glasgow terrorist attack, but it's Chinese.

Yeah. I don't think, if you're Chinese and you can do that, I don't think you should do that because it's, as you say, it feels racist. Yeah. Because then I think they're all Chinese people who are. can do that. Yeah. I do sort of think that. So I think anyone who says they're not, it's like, if it came to it, you'd whip it out.

This is why they're trying to live a normal life. You don't want to be bothered, stereotypes. But if it came to it, you'd whip it out. Yeah, yeah. And it's why they're so rude in restaurants, because they're like, I can get away with it because you don't know what I'm capable of. Excuse me, where's my food? Right.

I'm, I ordered this an hour ago. So it was after the spinning journey, and it was before a Chinese man span someone with his legs, I guess. Do we have a Chinese name that rhymes with Jenny? Jin Hao Li. Chin Hao Li. Shout out of Jim Howley. Terrific comedian. It was after the spinning Jenny, but before the spinning Zanny.

The Battle of the Nile. So July 1st, the French land in Egypt. They capture Alexandria quite quickly. And then they begin this grueling march. As I said, 43 degrees heat. In London these days. They're suffering from dysentery. There is so much poo in their story.

right oh yeah not to bring the tone down there's so much that in this you know the Napoleonic wars there's such a it's such a technical in my head it's such a touch a technicaler conflict still a dirty one in my head it's still covered it they're still covered in a lot of grit and poo and stuff they are in this in this one there's a lot of poo in it but

I just in my head I get over because I watch sharp but in my head it's like you know it's it's fucking the technical colour of the Zulu film it's the bright red coats and it's the bright blue uniforms and it's the shining copper cavalry hats and the white horses and the hussar, you know, it's so cinematic in my head.

Only a Compton man in these ages could ride a white horse. They'd have a 15-day, brutal march from Alexandria to Cairo, dysentery, they're wearing wool. This is the first time that like, you know, any European force has come down to Egypt.

Yeah. So they don't have like, desert uniforms or anything for it. The French Sabon start shooting themselves on the head. It's quite a French thing to do, isn't it? Then July the 21st, we reach the Battle of the Pyramids. Napoleon and his army reach a few miles from the pyramids.

They can see the pyramids, and they're standing there, and he says to his troops, do you know that we are closer in time to that podcast than the pyramids, sort of when they were built on fire. I don't like that. What? Is this meant to G.S. I don't know. Did you know that they're so old

that actually we're closer to Napoleon? Their iPhones are to move. Than the pyramids. Do you know, just we know, whenever you mention the pyramids, you've got to mention that we're actually, their pyramids are actually closer to, I don't fucking know.

Pyramid to closer. Cleopatra is further away from the pyramid than she is to us. That's it. We're close to Cleopatra. Did you know that? Did you know that? Did you know that?

Did you know that? They're really old. This is back, this is me in the, in the house party with a woman corner. Did you know that? Shouting,

she's dropped her shoulder. Did you know that? Anyway, so. In the Ridley Scott film, Napoleon controversially fires a cannon at the pyramids and critics say that didn't happen because they wasn't that close to the pyramids.

And Ridley Scott says, were you there? Exactly. That was his response to all historical things. We will be talking about the, we will be talking about the Ridley Scott film on the poachin. But my personal opinion,

botched job. Anyway. But were you there? But I wasn't there. I wish I was, Redley. I wish I was. So the battle of the pyramids, Napoleon orders

asses and savantes to the centre. Basically protect the mules and the nerds. So he forms a defensive square. Now, I don't know when we're going to get into military formations. Probably not yet. We'll probably save that for our lists. My God, defensive squares.

hedgehogs, you know, prostates be snapping. Prostates are imploding in this series. You know? What's that film where the... Prostate. The hanging... Not prostate implosion 4.

What's that film where, like, they're hanging by a bridge and you see the wires and the bridge going, pink, pink, pung. That's what people's prostates are doing. Right, okay. You know what I mean? Anyway. So, now, the Egypt is run by the Mamelukes. Are they Ottomans?

They, we met them in the tragic... London City Council. Yeah, it's the London City Council. Sorry, it's Sadiq's London, the Mamlux. We met them in the tragic story of the white slave trade. Yeah, so I read about this. Remind me what... The slave warriors of medieval Islam.

What does that mean? So they were people who were bought as military slaves. They then converted to Islam and then they'd be freed. Are they white slaves? They are. Really? Let's have a look. So this is in challenge.

So, no, they're freed once they convert to Islam. Do you remember? So are the slave warriors of Islam white guys? Some of them are. How they've got a force of white slave warriors? I think it's quite a diverse crowd except they're all Muslim. Right. So these are the guys that run Egypt.

Again, the uniforms. Do Mamaluk slave warriors? Some were taken from Turkey. Right, so they're from all over, but some of them are white. But they're Muslim. Right. As you say, I think there are some figures in history who almost... If they weren't making the history while they're alive,

then I'm not sure how historical they would be necessarily in retrospect. Or rather, there are certain people who are actively making you think they're historic while they're alive. Adrian Charles. Adrian Charles being one of them. You know, match the day two just feels empty since he left. He's now just writing guardian articles about pints. You know. Maybe the most pointless guardian article.

He somehow has an ability to write. Who the Guardian is paying Agent Charles to write articles about pints? He's writing about pints. He's writing about yoghits. He's writing about traffic. He's always the most boring thing you could possibly write an article about.

Go Adrian Charles article. Let's read some of these. If dishwasher loading was a sport, my dad would be world champion. That's one. All you can eat, I take those words as a promise and a challenge. What is an app?

I honestly have no idea. What is paying Adrian Childs to write articles? I took drugs recently and colours dance on the inside of my eyelids, Adrian Charles. You're never too old to climb a tree and I should know. Crap. Croatia has enchanting words for genitalia. Why doesn't the UK? I'll tell you what, Adrian.

That's not a strong opinion piece. Having read your articles, I thought it was weird to have a favourite spoon. Then I realised I wasn't alone. Adrian Charles. Having read your articles, Adrian, I think you were better on the booze, my opinion. But no, I. I more mean, what I'm talking about is Blair. Yeah.

I think Blair is the last... Who had a sense of history. We feel the hand of history on our shoulder. You know, he was consciously... It's actually called mythopoegia. It's someone... Mythopoeia. It's not a mythic paedophile.

Mythopia. I might be saying it wrong. It's someone who consciously builds their own myth or turns their life into a myth while they're alive. But the Napoleon at wars, there's multiple people doing that simultaneously. That's why it's so exciting. Right. But Napoleon.

Napoleon at the pyramids, he's basically getting people to paint him at the pyramids so that there is historic, you know, romantic paintings. Blair meeting Gaddafi in the desert. He's thinking about the photo. He's thinking about... He's always thinking about the photo art, basically. Now, the Battle of the Pyramids, yes, the nerds and the donkeys get into the centre of defensive squares.

The Mamelux, 10,000 of them die at the cost of 300 Frenchmen. Yeah. So, you know, it's tragedy. It's muskets versus sword. Tragedy for the French. I mean, they lose 300 men. They then, now, they chase the Mamlux into the Nile, right? Now, the Ottoman Mamlux would have all their personal wealth.

They'd carry that into battle. They'd like sew gold coins and jewels and precious metal into their clothes. So after the French, absolutely massacre them, they all try and swim across the Nile, but they drown under the weight of their own fucking jewelry. Why did you take your whole, every, your whole bank account, your whole NatWest account you're just taking it into battle.

Yeah, it's like running in with your credit card. Don't take that. But is it because Muslims believe that you, when you die... Careful now. Oh, careful. Careful now. Is it because...

And it might not be, I'm not saying it's good or bad either way, but is it because Muslims, some maybe think that sometimes when you die, what you have on you is what you take into the afterlife? Maybe, I don't know, don't cut my head off. No. It's because they can't trust people at home.

The only thing that goes on with them is their deeds. So why are they taking all the money with them? I think it's because they don't feel that it's safe at home. They don't have wallets? Yeah. Is this pre-wallet? Pre-bank account? It's also nice just to have like...

I guess there's also no toilets. There's nothing to take the money to, around the back of a system. Right, yeah. Their leadership and factual hierarchy relied on immediate liquidity, bribery and shifting alliances. Because there's so much bribery, they have to be permanently liquid. Yes, please. It makes sense, actually.

It's very liquid economy, Turkey, isn't it? My friend. My friend. Very good. Very good price. Yes, please, my friend. It is the yes, please my friend economy. There's no assets in the yes, please my friend economy.

Anyway, so, yeah, and then the French, once they're all drowning, the Mamlux, the French just basically spend hours cutting into their clothes to nick all their stuff. It's like that fountain in Rome. The Trevi Fountains. Yeah, basically. They're using, for a week after the battle, they're using grappling hooks to fish bloated mammolk corpses, slicing open their silk clothes. Mammluck sounds like a fish.

Some soldiers became overnight millionaires. Wow. Napoleon is in Cairo and he attempts to establish a new... This has been a big victory and so he's feeling pretty good about himself at this point. Yeah, it's a big victory. But again, he will, you know, it's that mythopedea thing. Yeah. He's, he massacred 10,000 boss men.

Yeah. Right. And then rob them. Yeah. And again, that's not very, I mean, robbing a, no one should rob a boss man's shop. That's like, come on. That's etiquette. And yet he paints it into this.

It's this great story. Like he'd beat in history almost. Even the idea, calling it the Battle of the Pyramids. When really it's robbing 10,000 bossmen. It's right of the people who are going like, lovely jubly when you go to the pyramids. Or like, do you know those people? Yeah.

Cheerio. Yeah. So he starts to establish an administration in Cairo. This also begins, now the scholars start cooking. You know, the scholars start digging up mummies. They're looking at sarcophaguses, all this shit. Meanwhile, Nelson's having a fucking... He's on club med.

He's going around the hole. He's going Greece, Crete, Malta. Probably having a lovely time. But eventually, fragments of information begin to align. And he thinks, right, they have gone to Egypt. Fuck. So he turns the fleet around on the 1st of August, 1798. After one of the most exhausting searches in naval history,

but not his last by any means. Nelson discovers the French fleet. Now. Now, the French fleet, okay, which... How many ships of the liner in the French fleet? I need this information now. I'm about to bust. I'm about to bust.

I need to know how many ships... 13 ships the line in the French fleet. How many in the British fleet? We need to know the scores on the doors. Everyone's searching. Look at that. You should all have this tattooed above your ass. How many ships of the line were at the...

Tramped out. Tramps. We need Sky Sports lineups. You know, Nelson. Napoleon. The French fleet had 13 ships of the line and the British fleet had fought it. Fair enough.

I was wrong. Okay. Is everything we knew about warfare changing right before our eyes? The war in Ukraine began with tanks and infantry, now drones, network systems and low-cost weapons wage a battle for dominance. In new weapons for new wars, a brand new limited series from This Is Not a Drill.

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So Nelson finds the French fleet, and they're anchored in Abukir Bay. Right. Now, this one of Nelson's lieutenants, I can't remember his name, he basically spots that the French have left a side of their fleet exposed. Yes. Because they're anchored in a kind of crescent along the bay. Diagonal.

And there's very sort of shallow coral reefs on one side. Yeah. But this guy, I don't know where his name is. And this is a testament to Nelson's skill for delegating. Right. And like decentralizing command. is that much like Andy Burnham is decentralising Britain, doing social media posts about fucking BAPS.

Right. Yeah. There is a Brentian aspect. Yeah, number 10, the north, right? No, no, no, no. William Lawrence. So William Lawrence basically spots that if the French could have turned around their ship to anchor, there must be enough space for ships to get into that narrow gap between the bay and the French.

Yes. So the idea is there's a gap between land and the French and the French are defending outward. Yeah, their guns are pointed towards the sea. Because that's where the British is going to come from. And also because of how shallow the water is because of all the shoals, the French ships, which is actually designed differently to the British ships, they can't cross those shoals.

Actually, the French ships were actually designed differently to the British ships. So because they can't cross those shoals, the French, they assume the British can't. Yeah. But that means that they have no guns pointed back at the land. And there is also, and they hit the shoulders of defending them. There's also crucially a fair headwin for the British. Because, keep that map up, don't lose the map.

I'm about to bust. Right. The French vanguard or part of the vanguard, basically because of the way Nelson comes, when the violent starts, when the violence starts, the ship to the other end just have to stay and watch

because they don't have the headwind to sail back up to help them. Right? Right. Anyway, so what Nelson, Nelson just, you know, they've been sailing for ages. They're knackered, right?

They've been eating biscuits. They've been coming on biscuits, whatever they're doing on board a ship. But Nelson, a hero that he is, aggressive fighter that is, because fuck it, let's just go for it.

So William Lawrence starts sailing in between the best, and the French. Now, the French, by the way... Because it's the shallower boats, they go across the shows. This is also... It's about 5pm, right?

In August 1st, is it? August 2nd? 1798. Now, no one ever starts a naval battle beyond, like, midday. Yeah. Right? Normally, it's...

The covers are on at dusk. You're shot your laptop. Yeah. It's 5pm. Right, done. But they think, fuck it, we're never going to get a better chance.

So, he's... He takes... it through the bay and then Nelson leads a column the other side of the fleet. Now the French right are completely unprepared many of them are on land digging trenches to shit in because they've all got dysentery. This is where I get to Pooey Charlie. The French have all got um we probably went like this. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. The French have all got dysentery because you know they're

eating fucking ducks necks and tripe in the desert. Right. And so they're digging trenches to shit in. They're also, they've all got, what's that condition called? The Egyptian ophthalmia, which is an eye infection caused by sand and bacteria. The leader on the fleet that evening was Admiral Francois Paul Brue de Gallagher. And the fleet was inadequately guarded because they have rampant severe diarrhea. That's in bold. Because that's French diarrhea.

They've got a culture of diarrhea. They do. but this is even within by French standards this is shocking which to our minds must be what on earth

is that like you know a British person's diarrhea is an Indian's firm stool so an Indian guy like I'm not catching a stray here out of nowhere catching stray

sorry British Indian guy is just like this is Battle of An aisle we're not involved at all I can enjoy this and out of nowhere I'm pretty sure the Sue

dismus connects Egypt to India actually a British man having diarrhoea is an Indian man's having constipation right a Frenchman having diarrhea a British, what on earth says that?

Okay, so hundreds of sailors are on shore digging sanitary wells. That's a big word for basically a fucking hole in the Santerpouin. Is that before tampons as well? There must be sanitary wells before tampon, early tampons, sanitary wells, disgusting.

Now, one of Napoleon's big admirals is a guy called Pierre Villeneuve. I keep wanting to call him Dennis, but that's the director. Anyway, Villeneuve is perhaps in control. He gets a tough go. He gets a tough go. He's at the Battle of the Nile as well.

I kind of feel bad for Villeneuve. The French assumed that the water and between the ships and the coastline is too shallow, blah, blah, blah. Now, what ends up happening, okay, is that the British launched this Pinser movement on either side of the unspecting fleet. And ladies and gentlemen, the French are caught in lethal crossfire. Yeah. bust, bust now, let it out. Bust. Bust for your country.

Bust for your country. Bend over and live, bend over and think of England. So what follows is an appalling, chaotic. Gangbang. It is a naval gangbang, a slugging match fought in darkness. Okay. The French are asleep, obviously. And so suddenly the guns start firing from both sides,

mast to splintering you know the collapsing under cannon fire rigging's on fire it's absolute bedlam there's a chicken on the HMS Goliath the British ship

it didn't die but thankfully it perched on the rigging and flaps its wings I don't really know why that's in the script in case you're wondering if the chicken's fine throughout this the chicken is absolutely fine we've got a vegetarian researcher yeah he's always asking how

were there any chickens affected it's a polioonic wars, okay? Charlie's got a footage from the Cars of the Black Pearl up to visualize it. Charlie's got parts of the Caribbean up. There's chickens in the research.

It's fucking Bedlam here, okay? There was a trend in naval warfare where they'd have livestock on the ship to like cats and goats. They'd have goats and fucking cows, right, on ship to make milk for their tea. And then when they're like, right, we've got to go to war. They just push them off the side of the ship.

You just fucking... Finish with your bottle of milk. You just chuck out. Yeah, you just fucking rugby tackle a cow over the Can cows swim? I don't think they can go upstairs so I doubt they can swim, no. Yeah, they can't swim. Yeah, they'll be fine.

Not in an ocean. I met some sea cows in Turkey. They can't swing, they wouldn't survive in like the fucking Mediterranean. All animals can naturally swim. This is just complete bollocks. Except humans and apes. I don't believe that at all.

Fuck me. This is not really the brain trust, is it? No. My mate's got tortoise. This is not. It's so far. in the Battle of the Nile. Men are busting, okay? The women aren't here. Stop talking.

Adult chickens can swim briefly. It's not relevant. Why is a chicken on a ship if it can't swim? We need to get to. This is hot stuff. This is hot stuff. It writes itself. We don't need.

I'm hot under the collar, okay? This is putting me off my stroke. You're like my pet dog looking at me as I'm rifling my wife. Whifling. I'm wifling, okay? I'm trying to hammer it home and my dog is looking at me like, what on earth are you doing? What is that?

Can I do it? The British are decimating the French fleet. There's something to think about as well is that all the French guns are facing outwards. So they have to like Benny Hillett across the other side of the ship and roll these cannons to the other side. It's over. It's over.

It's over for them. And all these Nelson battles, it's nearly always the French set up a certain way, Nelson thinks of something brilliant, and then it's over. This is the problem. Well, I wouldn't say that. Go on.

They still got to do the fighting. Yeah, but as soon as they got around the other side, Superior ships with superior crews while they're all asleep, hitting them for both angles. One side doesn't have any cannons. It's done. Awesome, right? So they're blowing them to shit.

Now, the French flagship was called L'Oriand, the Orient, which is what... Which is I think it's a problematic term. It is a problematic term. I think East Asian is what we should call it now. Lestasian. But this is what Edward Said says is the start of Orientalism. You're aware of the...

This is well. No, this whole... Napoleon in Egypt, he says, is the beginning. Egyptology is the beginning of the exotic... Fethecisation of the Orient. Yeah, exactly. Doing this sort of dance. Yeah, white women doing yoga.

Yeah. All starts here. It does. It does. You know, the kind of... Because they find the Rosetta Stone here, which becomes a real, like... They do. And it's all... in the water that they're fighting in is, you know, if you drain that bay,

you'd find sphinxes, like, insane archaeological finds are all happening. That felt like quite an orientalist thing, you just said. Okay. If you drain that bay, you'd find sphinxes. and fucking mummies and, you know, all that. But it's interesting that the Arabs who lived in Egypt, the Mamlux, they have no, didn't have any interest in curiosity. So this is partly where the debate by the British Museum comes from.

It's like, well, yeah, now you like it. Yeah, I bet you do. Yeah, someone had to go and find it. Yeah, you've seen all the movies and stuff. Yeah, now you think it's brilliant. Yeah. Why, one, why is that? Who found it?

Yeah. Who went looking for it? So the French flagship, the problematically called L'Oriand catches fire. They keep pounding it with cannonballs. And it is carrying all the gunpowder ammunition for the entire French fleet. So at around 10pm that night, the L'Oriand explodes. Can you get some paintings up at the Battle of Narl? There's some really good ones.

This sound of this ship exploding as the chamber with all the gunpowder, catches fire is people said it was... Do we think Napoleon hears this? Oh. Do you think he must be able to hear this? Well, he's on shore. Is he in Cairo? I think he's in Cairo, so he's not an Alexander.

Abkhart Bay is not near Cairo, so he probably won't hear his. But supposedly, it's the most deafening sound anyone had ever heard, travels for miles. The fighting and shooting stops for like 20 minutes because of the sheer spectacle. Yeah. There's lots of great paintings. But it is a very, you know, cinematic battle. and that the sun is setting over Egypt. Night falls and then this gunship just fucking explodes.

And this is kind of like, you know, this is Titanic 9-11 stuff for the 18th century. This is, there's a story that there's the captain of Lorient had his 12-year-old son on board. He refused to leave waiting for his dad, but his dad was already dead. So the boy just stood on the burning deck and then the flames just engulfed him.

Also, this is. is where like limbs start just raining down on other ships. Like just arms and like legs just start falling out the air. The shockwave is so overwhelming. Every war ship stops firing for 10 to 15 minutes. Moulton cannons and severed human limbs rain down, blistering the paint on British holes for hundreds of yards away. Awful.

The paint is damaged. I mean, where is that in the casualty list? You know, they damaged the ship's paint. So on this night, Just before that, Nelson gets a head wound when shrapnel to the forehead, a flap of bleeding skin blinds his remaining eye.

And so he says, immediately, he goes, I am killed. And then he lives and he's completely fine. But again, he's a melodramatic man. He goes,

I'm killed. He's over the moon about it. I'm killed. Finally, yeah. But then he's actually fine. Let me just tie it up. Nelson is, thankfully,

the injury is much less serious or rather devastatingly for him and so he returns to command. Now in the morning of the 2nd of August, the scale of the disaster is now clear. The French Navy has been completely annihilated. This is the first Battle of Annihilation on the Seat on that Nelson fights? I think so.

Was it Cape Vic. Yeah, no, no, it would be this, yeah. And so what this means, right? So Sun rises on a total British victory. 11 of the 13 ships of the line have been captured or destroyed which basically means Napoleon is stranded in Egypt

He's fucked it He's completely fucked it And this is something that the book we're reading is very good on Which is a great point Is that Napoleon was a tactical genius But he was strategically kind of a disaster Yes

Both with Russia and this He does make huge mistakes When he's thinking of something much bigger Because he's blinded by greatness Yes And his own ego and greatness Tony Blair Tony Blair

But all that Also, Adolf Hitler. Because Hitler, you know, if you look at Barbarossa, Hitler micromanages Stalin grads. He's a micromanager. He is a micromanager. Amongst all his crimes, he's a micromanager. But, right.

Adolf Hitler being a micromanager. Don't micromanage me. Just give me some space, Arnold. But, you know, he did lots of things wrong, but amongst them was micromanaging. But you compare that with Stalin, who realized he was fucking it and got out the way and let Zhukov cook.

Yes. and the USSR come back to trounce them. So the point is, is that people are these huge egos who in many ways... It's hubris, it's pure hubris. Pure hubris, right. Now, what else was Napoleon discovered in Egypt

amongst the Sphinxes and the Rosetta's own stones and all that? One of his officers has also come to him and told him, he says, I've got some news for you, do you want to hear it? And he's like, yeah? What is it? That sounds great.

Yeah? I reckon he did a bit of that. Yeah, I'm in each other. Yeah, what is it? Josephine, your wife. Yeah, brilliant, lover. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what about her? With the black mouth, with the black mouth, yeah, the black teeth.

She has been having sex with a dandy for years. Yeah. And he, he weep. What's the good news? Yeah. He weeps in front of his officers. He then also sends these heart, like, heartbroken, fucking soppy, thirsty letters that the Navy intercept and then the Admiralty

publishes the cuckolded love letters in London which means he's suddenly a laughing stock in Britain awesome this fives me up man this is sort of like

this is historic cuckoldry in the history of cuckoldry which I think we're also doing on the Patriot that we are doing the history of coffee this really this is in the pantheon this is like you know like I don't like

the Pierce Morgan phone tapping stuff but with this is this is fucking this gets me off this is early phone tapping isn't it see I'm pro the phone tapping Oh, are you? Okay, fine. We do different strokes, I guess.

We come from different angles in this podcast. You know, I'm anti-phone tapping, your pro phone tapping. You know, you think that... I just think it's a millie dollar. I just want to see... I want to see what she was saying. I'm curious. Where was she going?

So, yeah, I fucking love that the Navy intercept, you know, Bonaparte's love letters and then publish them and humiliate them. That's like... I know it's paparact. fancy shit, but it's fucking... It's good. Fuck, bonaparte. Right.

So, to get revenge, I mean, this is pure in sales revenge. He just immediately just finds a mistress, right? There was an officer's wife, Pauline Forres, whom he nicknamed Cleopatra. She's the wife of a cavalry lieutenant called Jean-Noel Forres. Gay, gay, gay.

Now, he basically fabricates a diplomatic dispatch ordering Jean-Noel to Paris. And the British intercept that as well and then send him back to walk in on Napoleon's sleeping with his wife. This is brilliant. Awesome. This is brilliant. The British press has been doing this for centuries and I love it.

Okay. After the divorce. I love it. I love it. The women are getting after it as well. Yeah. Yeah. They're up for a show.

This is good, you know. But I just, I just think, I want, you know, this is Britain, the tabloid filth in the late 18th century. It kind of starts here in some ways. This is like Punch magazine. Yes. drawing Napoleon being short. It's from that tradition that the express and news of the world come from.

I'm loving it. I'm absolutely loving it. Now, Villeneuve, Pierre Charles Villeneuve, he had been commanding the rear division of the French fleet. So he was the one that couldn't sail upstream. He has just watched the thing be blown to shit. Another cuckold. And yet cuckolded again. But he's basically fine, I think, by the end of it.

He sails away. He escapes. Which if you lose a battle, you want to die in it. The Polio's army is stranded in Egypt. In August 1798, a French military decree orders all soldiers to shave off their mustaches to combat sweat rot. Now, as an interesting postscript, they salvage the charred mainmast of Laurent and the craft of Fulcise wooden coffin out of it. He gets sent to Nelson. He keeps it standing upright in his cabin for the rest of his life. I think he's even buried in it, maybe, later on.

He's kind of goth and emo. He's a complete fixation on death. Imagine living in your shit with a fucking open coffin. Because he can't wait to get in. Yeah. You know when you're like, you need to manifest? Yeah. He's sort of doing like...

His own death. It's crazy. He's doing a sort of tumbler, you know, mood board for his future. So it's just dead. It's gravestones. He's dead. So this makes Nelson a national legend. This is his, you know, Champions League moment.

And legends get thrown around a lot. No, they do. but this is the man the legend Nelson's wearing that t-shirt and he's earned it he has earned it yeah he's not just down the pine no this is when legend

meant something it meant destroying the entire French fleet okay at the Battle of the Nile so Nelson has you're a legend mate fucking love you so he's proved right that Napoleon may be able to win battles

on soil but he can't protect his fleets at sea and so he's always going to be hamstrung without naval support It's just so symbolic Just him there He's gone after the pyramids He's got a letter saying that his wife's fucking someone else

And then his whole fleet's been destroyed Yeah He's been cut on land and at home And he's a small man in the shadow of the pyramids It's just it's all so visually But what Napoleon does is he sends He sends the Battle of the Pyramids Propaganda back

And he basically says Abakir Bay is like because also what's interesting is that though the French basically start Egyptology with this trip and the beginning of all, because the British take over, nearly all of the key Egyptology stuff gets taken by the Brits, including Rosetta Stone.

Where's the Rosetta Stone now? Yeah. And then you know there's two of Tutankets, British Museum. Thank you. Are you getting it back? No. Next to the Algar Marbles and next to the Indian bobs. That's where they are. All in one room. Yeah. They're for ours now because none of you

wanted them before. Yeah. So that was the Battle of the Nile. Nelson has struck first. In our next episode, we will deal with Napoleon crossing the Alps, the little man becoming emperor, and Nelson's

love life goes fucking insane. That's already in the Patreon, along with the first five parts of this series. Join up for three pounds to get instant access and bonus episodes. This is bangor. This is not post-war British Prime Ministers, okay? This is banger after banger.

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