Fin vs History - Which Came First: The Toilet or The Deep Fried Roast Dinner? | William Wallace (Part 1)

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

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Welcome back to Finn versus history. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Hi. Today we're talking about William Wallace. Yes. The freedom fighter. Scottish Mandela. Failed to get Scottish independence.

Yeah. This is the long road to Nicola Sturgeon being arrested for spending party funds in a caravan. This is the long road to Alex Salmon being arrested for harassing a woman. I think he was as naughty sex guy. Yeah, naughty sex. Is he dead? I think he's dead. Did he die?

Try to verify. He knew too much. He knew too much. The Scottish Epstein, Alex Salmon. He groped too much. When did he die? Oh, he died, isn't he? Did he, he got told off for being naughty before he died, right?

Yes. It's not a Savile-Sitch. No. I don't think he was as bad as Saville. Yeah, can you find out Salmon's sex crimes, please? Seeing as we are talking about William Wallace. Yeah. 14 offences against 10 women.

Attempted rape, sexual assault, indecent assault. and one breach of the peace. Now, this is nothing about what the English did to the Scottish... That breach of the piece is absolutely disgraceful. He could be making

a political point about the unfair relationship between England and Scotland. He's acting... What's role play? Yeah, it's Marina Abramovic, sort of stuff. Right, so he's... And she's like, don't do that.

Well, I'll be England. Exactly. I'll be England. You'd be Scotland. I'm going to show you what the English traditionally have done historically. Wow.

Rape role play. It's not really roleplay. It's more of a... It's like a live banksie. Yes. It's a symbolic. Your Honor, this was a live bankruptcy. It's the performance art defence that Alex Salmon said.

Yeah. No, we're in Scotland in the Middle Ages. Yeah. And William Wallace is, well, is he a freedom fighter? Is he a terrorist? Yeah. Well, it depends on your perspective. Exactly.

He's a terrorist. I think he's a terrorist. I think this is, he's the Scottish bin Laden. Perfect. As we'll see, he is the Scotch bin Laden. I am Scottish but I have to say I don't identify with Scotland at this point What? You don't even recognise your own country

I don't I think they were lost And they weren't found until they joined the union But I personally I mean I identify with the kind of of Edinburgh Presbyterian Enlightenment Scotland Who Scots would say are not proper Scots Yes they say they're English in Tartan And I'm like yes that's me Yeah literally I want to live in the highlands in a castle

Not in a mudhap I'm not a member of the Maktaliban So we're in the medieval period though So obviously you've got you've got a raging lob on Yes This bit I don't really know what's going on in the 1200 Yeah it must stink I mean Scotland

Medieval Scotland come on That's a double negative Think about that And also so they don't So it's a misconceptive They don't have any kilt at this point That's a sick pre-kilt This is pre-kilt

So they don't have their knackers out No thank God But then what do they have What are they wearing? If they're not wearing kilts In Braveheart, they were dressed like tramps, all of them. Yes. Even though they were meant to be Scottish nobles, right?

So I don't know. I assume it's just sort of like, I think there's a lot of brown going on. But rich Scottish people today dressed like tramps. That's the long road, isn't it? Right. But do they? But what's the... Cap of tracksuits.

Yes. Yeah. Well, is that what rich Scottish scots are dressing like? Yes. Yeah. Tallest dwarfs. Yeah, I guess so. Um...

But is that the... That's Alex. That's Alexander. Yep, after his roleplay. Well, I will say, Scottish homeless. It is the... Crem de la Crem, it's the, it's the big leads, it's the Champions League. Yes.

There's just a level there that is just above anywhere else I've been in the world. Yes. I don't know what is, probably heroin is probably the... Have you been to Skid Row in L.A.? No. I mean, that's bad. That's bad. But there's a certain, like, culture to the Scottish homeless.

There's like a... You feel like there's like a history, tradition that they're playing homage to. The esteemed homeless man. The madness there is some of the most cartoonish. I feel. Yeah. If, yeah, it's like... You have ten minutes to write a mad person.

Yeah. Scottish homeless person. It's a short. Oh, are you? You are you here? Big yellow hands on my face. Like, you know. The accent suits homelessness in a way that no other accent does.

And that could be the richest or poorest person in Scotland. No idea. That is what's the beauty of Scotland. That's the king of Scotland. Yeah. In England, it's so defined. Yes. Like working close people.

People admit the posh people sound so different. You know where you are. It's just, they're all shouting. It's a fucking soup. Indistinct. Because I used to live in Glasgow, I was living in Glasgow, I was seven. This is before I was insanely fat. Right.

The eating was a kind of coping mechanism with the shattering of my identity. Yeah. So there's home videos of me like, Glasgowian Christmas, age three. You're like, Portsman, Pa! Like speaking like that. I know Glasgow accent, so seven. Wow. Of course, there you are.

I forgot that you are sort of Scottish. Yeah, yeah, in a way. But I remember going to the Glasgow Laser Quest with my dad and then coming out, dominating. Right. And then coming out and seeing a guy walk out a pub, turn around and then take a next step and literally banana skin just, boom. And just head on the floor.

No, didn't move, right? Basically dead. And then three people walk past and like, just nothing. Nothing. Just didn't help. It's another day. Just another day. Glasgow.

Tuesday in Glasgow. It's vomiting in Newcast. It doesn't mean anything. Yeah, it's meaningless. But we're in 13th century Scotland, and we should deal, William Wallace, it's kind of, it's difficult because it's part myth.

Yeah, a lot of it's just complete bollocks. Complete bollocks. The 1200s, I don't know how much history will actually do in the 1200s. It feels like a bit of a dud century. And that's you saying that. Do you know what I mean?

Why is the, because you have the first crusade, that's like, you know. Hey man. Hey man. The year a thousand. It feels like this stuff goes on there. It doesn't feel like anything properly gets going again to like the 1400s.

That's my opinion. Yeah. So it just feels like it's very rare that something happens in the 1200s that we talk about. We're in the 1200s. So in Scottish terms, this is pre-kill. It's pre-whisky as well. Okay. It's why I don't really understand it.

It's porridge. Okay. It's fucking raining porridge up there. Oats. They can't get enough of the stuff. Oats. They put, they're mixing meat with oats. Yeah.

And making like meat porridge. It sounds like a slang for a woman's vagina. It's disgusting. They're using spurtles. What's a spurtle? A spurtle is a porridge-specific stirrer. Yeah. That I own one.

Is it a Scottish invention? Yes, a spurtle. Spurtle. Again, it sounds disgusting. Yeah. But they are the great inventors, the Scots. Charlie's got a... Spurtle.

A photo up of a spurtle in use. A spurtle stirring a pot of porridge. But it does feel like, I don't know, medieval housewives trying to get a deal there in the home. Do you know what I mean? As we know medieval housewives, we're always trying to smuggle Dill Legends of the home.

Yes, but no, I need that spurtle for all the porridge I'm stirring. Yeah. And then the husband would turn a blind eye. Why can't use it with and spin? To the clearly ribbed dildo. They are ribbed for the porridge's pleasure, spurtles.

Yeah, this is really porridge era. Haggis is around. Haggis is around. Haggis is around. Right. Well, I researched this last night a form of haggis. which does then make you think

I feel I could make a form of haggis quite easy what's an early haggis again that sounds like a slur for a woman's vagina how on earth did human civilization oh put your early haggis away

love for Christ's sake no one needs to see that it's a delicacy and how on earth did human civilization come up with something as amazing as haggis should we explain

because I'm a massive haggis apologists it's incredible should we explain for our listeners that aren't from these aisles I mean yeah whiskey and haggis is quite amazing

Haggis is basically sheep's brains and guts wrapped in a bladder spiced with herbs and I think there's some oats in it because they put oats and anything. Yeah. Was it sort of like the invention of penicillin? Do you think it was a sort of accident?

Transformative. Yeah, well it's just more like it. Well, yeah. But it's more like how do they come up with that? I think they basically put everything in a bin and then accidentally heated it up. Oh, great. That's brilliant.

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We are in the year 1286 when this story really begins. When the 80s? It's the 80s. Back to the future. Big hair, big glasses. Scotland is independent at this point, I think. And King Alexander III dies suddenly. He was riding on his horse at night to go and see his newish wife.

And he was pissed and he fell off and broke his neck. I mean, it's a long... It's a comforting tale. I mean, the story you've tried about Glasgow, it hasn't changed. Yeah, genuinely, that is exactly what happened. He comes out of pub and just falls over and breaks his neck. It's drunk driving, but on horseback. And this sparks a succession crisis because he had a granddaughter

who was called Margaret, who lived in Norway, and she then becomes, at five years old, the sort of queen of Scotland, she gets on a ship to come to Scotland. Margaret of Norway doesn't sound the most beautiful woman for some reason. No, but she's also five. Yeah, I know. So, um... It's a different time, though.

You're right? I guess, I guess, uh, nowadays... Is how old she now? Yeah, I guess in, in the sort of dog years of medieval society and maybe she's 16. Yeah. What was the, I had life expectancy, Charlie, in the, um, in the 1200s. 24 to 30. What?

Right. Wow. Yeah. But that, yeah. In Scotland, it'd not be, might be... You're right, actually, because that, that could be nowadays. You've googled that. 30 to 35.

Oh. Don't believe it. Don't believe it. But Margaret got on a, got on a, got on a, boat from Norway to come and claim the throne of Scotland and dies in 1290 before we're ever setting foot in the country. Feels like a very 1290 thing to do. Yeah.

Yes. It does. Die. Just die. Yeah. Spirit of the age. Yes. She's dead.

The zeitgeisty thing to do in the 1290s was just a fucking die. All the kids were doing it. Porridge and death. What are the kids into death? Death. They die. That's what's. Emoes.

Yeah, they're emoes. Yeah. They're egos. Well, they're emo's if they weren't fakers. Yes. Oh, so it's about death. So multiple claimants then come forward to claim the Scottish throne, particularly a guy called John Balliol.

To avoid civil war, the Scots ask Edward I of England, who is one of the, he's one of the, probably the strongest English kings ever. Oh, one of the goats. He's one of the goats of English kings. He's like a sort of warrior king, he's quite brutal. Long reign. Long reign. Doesn't he?

I think so. He actually, I found out in 1290, he expels... Longshank. He expels the Jews from England. Right. Oh, yes, that was controversial. Now, 2000, although I doubt those numbers. I think that's such a big number.

I think it was probably more like 600. You're such a cynic. I just think with, you know, there's a long, I've got a long history of, um, just questioning things. Yeah, I guess you are, you're very, you question, an inquisitive. It's all like Sherlock Holmes. Yes, in a way.

yeah David Irving's just just Sherlock Holmes just whenever I hear about the Holocaust all these things come up in a classic English sense

he goes well I'll act as a kind of neutral referee on all the succession disputes so he chooses John Balliol as king in 1292

yeah so but he's basically thinking this Bayil guy's a puppet right I'm going to shove my hand up his ass and make him squeak

yeah but Bayil doesn't like this, obviously. So he's crowned in 1292. Now Edward repeatedly summons him to England to show he's a little bitch. He sort of treats him not really as a

monarch, but as a kind of official. And then he's ordered to provide troops for all Edwards. Edwards, going over to France a lot, I think, at this point. His authority starts to kind of collapse at home. And at one point... He's an English puppet. He's an English puppet. So the Scots then say

in the sort of mid-1290s, we're going to sign the old alliance with France, which acts as a declaration of war. Was it a new alliance at this point? It's a good point, actually. Because the old alliance is a long alliance that gets brought up a lot. But how old is it?

Would they open calling it the old alliance? So this is actually, at this point, this is the alliance. This is just the alliance. So he signs an alliance with France, England, Edward's like, this is war. So John Balli, then he rebels against the English

sends forces into Northumberland. So again, it's a sort of pretty... Sounds like a euphemism a little bit. Send forces into Northumberland. I do think there's a point in the middle age where I will just start referring to sexual domain in pure military terms. Yeah, of course.

You know, I will build a redoubt, which is an euphemism for hiding in the cupboard masturbating. Right. That's my last stand. Yes. Yeah. The cuck's last stand. So, Edward the first basically now has justification for a full-scale invasion of Scotland.

And this is where, I mean, this, I can't imagine this now. In March 1296, Scotland, now at this point it's in Scotland, Berwick-upon-Tweed, one of the, you'd say probably the safest, most stuffy, boring places in this country. But at this time, it's the largest and richest town in Scotland, even bigger than Edinburgh. It's a gorgeous town. I'm on the train up from London to Edinburgh. It's a gorgeous town. but in 1296

it was not gorgeous because Edward the first essentially raped it and he allows his army The high five of Berwick upon Tweed As we would call it As the English would call it It's contested

The great high five of Berwick upon Tweed Edward allows his army to kill and rape freely For two days Freedom Yes In a way When does my freedom When does my freedom get in the way of your

Consent. It's a complicated. It's a complicated history, isn't it? One that Alex Salmon fell foul of. He's strange. He believes in freedom. He's a freedom fighter. It's a freedom feeler.

Yeah. Anyway, he feels freely. He does feel freely. He did feel freely. He's dead. He's dead. He did. Off with his head.

He's dead. Now, are Scottish people saying words funny like this at this point? I don't know. He did. It feels like they just never really changed for the Middle Ages, though. Do you know what I mean? You know when you hear... Well, their food doesn't.

We just got to heat up a bin for dinner. Oh, just put a fire in that. Well, yeah. Why don't you got to get a butcher's bin? Put it on the stove? Yeah, because you know what? Actually, thinking about it, the range in Scottish accents

may be greater than any other country in terms of the sort of homeless... You know, man, yeah, yeah, all the way to the Coonsburg. you know, the sort of the sexy. The flattened. The flattened sex. Sexy, yeah, obviously.

I don't know if there is. Yeah, I'd say England has more of a range. Also, Coonsberg sounds like an insanely racist slur. Yeah, like a Jewish black guy. Mr. T. Ethiopian Jews. It's crazy. How she got to the BBC with a name like Coonsberg.

What wasn't a nickname at school, was it? Christ. Insane name for someone to have. We never touched on their Scottish podcast. born in our sex work. Yeah, probably the bottom in the rankings of most... Oh, fuck, I'm going to... I'm going to bash.

Long time listeners to this podcast will know, I have a sort of, I have a sexual paralysis. Proclivity. For the sort of, the older Scottish woman. Yes. But I would like to say... You're in a chokehold? Yes, I am.

Of my own, willingly. What I would like to say is that if I ever, to either of you say that I'm up... I would like I have a go and Nicholas Surgeon, kill me. Kill you? Kill me. No questions asked? No questions asked. Kill me. Do what take you?

I'm sort of like killing Lenny and advice and men? Yeah, I'm too far gone by that point. So we'll just tell you, yeah. I'll just tell you about Lorraine Kelly and then blow your head off. You tell me that I'm going to go meet Lorraine Kelly and then bang. Yeah. So Sturgeon doesn't do it for you even though you're not fishing for Sturgeon. You have a love of the Scottish woman so it really must be.

But she just looks too much like Jimmy Cranky. Yeah. I imagine. Scottish porn is Alex Salmon having sex to Nicholas Sturgeon. That sort of role playing. Well, that's sort of what average Scottish porn looks like. We're talking about the rape of Berwick.

Yeah. Which at this time it's called the Alexandria of the North. Right. That stuff gets thrown around a lot though. Yeah, yeah. There's about 15,000 people die, supposedly. And the massacre only ends when Edward sees one of his men

hacking a woman to death whilst she gives birth. Oh, come on. An earlier Cesarian. section. Yeah. Obviously. Could have been a cesarian. Yeah. That's what I mean is that, you know,

just because he slipped and missed and comes her head off, you know. Because I weighed 12 pounds. 12 pounds. Yeah. Christ. So just, I think just to protect my mother, I have to burst through like the alien. You know, an alien where the thing comes out. John Hurt.

That was me being born. Yeah. But I've got both my children were born Caesarean, but I've got photos of both moments. And my daughter, it's like, she's being held up and it looks like the kind of lying king. My son My son... He's holding your wife up. No, my son looks like he's being dragged out of a bar fight

and he's been glassed. He's just got... He's like this and he's got... Terry Butcher. Yeah, generally, Terry Butcher. He's got blood and guts. He's just like... But I do like this where he's just like...

He sees this woman giving birth to death. He's like, ah, come on. All right. All right. Enough stuff. Come on. Come on. No, that is...

That is... That's mental. That's... That's fuck. And the guy's like, what? Well, yeah. We should have drawn these prows.

Yeah. Well, I'm in the moment. Yeah. Don't mean you feel like shit. Don't kink shame me. Yeah. What you say was...

Oh no, but you know, don't like mask a shone me. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You know, in a massacre, everything's on the table. And then you can't be like,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But it's like when everyone's making offensive jokes. Yeah. And then you suddenly pull back, what, mate? Coonsberg. Come on, mate. That's a bit much. What do you mean you named a door that?

Crazy. So, quote, much booty was seized. And I know, that's not the modern sense. not Charlie in Brazil. And no fewer than 15,000 of both sexes perished. Some by the sword, others by fire, in the space of a day and a half. So that's good going.

It's mad numbers. That is bad numbers. Built up a huge total. But I guess that, you know, to look at- Over two days of cricket. To look at Berwick, yeah, it's a two-day ashes test, isn't it? But wickets are meaningless when 20 fall in a day. But I guess to look at Berwick now, you just, you can't imagine.

Yeah. It's probably the most sort of stultifying. boring place to be, I think. Well, is that because all the interest of people were killed? Maybe, maybe. They're still dealing with the after effects of the masquerque. What is their accent? Is it kind of like a hybrid of, is it sort of, it's almost like Dutchy? Borders, no. No, it's very, border towns. Borders, no, I'm from the borders.

I'm from the border. It's very, it's very smug and snide. It's almost like Dutch, though. Is it? Yeah. It's like clipped. Oh, hey. The tourist are shot your assholes. No, it's nothing like Dutch, is it? It's nothing like Dutch. It could be. It goes from, it goes from sort of, uh, you know, it, right, pal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it goes into Newcastle.

Like, hey. Yeah. It's a sort of, it's a band of smugness in between Newcastle. So I guess the Scottish export of them as a stereotype is like fucking groundskeeper Willie. Yes. Yes. But there is a very like, named after William Wallace, who I'm, I've just remembered we are meant to be talking about. But he's about to come into the story. Brilliant. Ground'skeeper William Wallace. The Scottish bin. Lardin. Yeah, nearly halfway through the episode.

Now, in April 9, 12, 96, there's the Battle of Dunbar. Dunbar. Dunbar. That's not the Battle of Dunblain, where a guy shot up a school. That's about a thousand years later. The Dunbar, Scottish army is poorly led and badly coordinated, which is a story as old as time. Scottish cavalry charged, their crush by English forces. And a bunch of Scottish nobles are imprisoned in England, including the crucial Andy Murray.

Andy Murray. That's not, that's not, He survived Dumbane and Dunbar. He did. Yeah. And his mother was there on the sidelines of the battle the whole time. Yeah. Just scowling.

Yeah. Judy Murray, I reckons in my slot. Yeah. I think she's worked her way in with pure personality. What I'd like is I'd like, do you like her spirit more than any day? I'd have a sexual fantasy where I'd like Judy Murray to watch me have a sex and just scowl. But be like a tennis, tiger mom.

Tennis tiger mom. Come on, Finn. You can do better on that. Come on. Put your back into it. Smash. But anyway, so organised military resistance from the Scots effectively ends at Dunbar. And we're sort of, I guess, we're now into the first War of Scottish Independence proper

in that England strips Scotland of its identity. And the kingdom... It's a very English thing to do. Strip it of identity. Just strip a place. You can't have your own identity anymore. No, mine now. The Scottish Stone of Destiny,

was taken to Westminster where it remains until I think John Major gives it back. Really? Yeah. Now the Stone of Destiny is... Let's have a look. It's literally a stone where they coronate their kings on or something. It's an ancient oblong block. I mean, you know...

Yeah, it's a fucking massive... It's a massive stone. Massive stone. Who gave the Stone of Destiny back? I think it's John Major. That's amazing. Legalized sodomy gives back the Stone of Destiny. Woke nonsense, John Major.

absolute fire sale yeah yeah John Major now are bagpipes around at this point Charlie that's what I'd like to know when they're sort of blowing into a haggas sack yeah they are invented in the Middle East but they just didn't really take off there I guess

you know there was that World Cup in South Africa with Vuvius Zayas if there was ever a Scottish World Cup I'd like the idea of just all the fans Edward imposes direct English rule in 1296 and he makes the Scottish nobles swear loyalty to the Ragman rule. Which is where we get the word rigmarole from, which is a fact. But what does rigmarole mean then?

Isn't it mean like it's like red tape, isn't it? Yeah, okay, right, right. Or it means a bit of a faf, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. To call this rigmarole. We can't know. William Wallace, his name does not appear on the ragman role, but his father does.

because he's a lower earl right he's like a lower noble Wallace Wallace's family yeah let's get let's get to Wallace now so Wallace is we think he's born in about 1270 but we don't know because it's the wilds of Scotland yeah it's like modern-day Afghanistan I don't know he's a Taliban fighter yeah he's got local knowledge and that's why he's got by he's devastating you know so he's born to minor landed family in Ayrshire good education supposedly he's massive right but a lot of what we we know about him. Yeah,

but so... Five foot six. But what we know about him comes from a guy called Blind Harry. Right, which is a bad start. Exactly.

How do we know? How do we know he's massive? I know blind Harry. Yeah? Yeah, he did loads of glue and heroin. Well, is he called Harry and he's blind? Yeah, he's blind Harry, yeah.

Do you call him Blind Harry? Yeah. Did he make himself blind? He made himself blind, yeah. From glue? Glue makes you blind. I think if you just pour glue in your eye, you probably do you go blind.

Right. With his eyelids glue shut. If you glue shut, you are blind. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Amazingly, you could glue your eyes shot and you can't see him. I guess he's sort of blind.

Yeah, I guess so. But blind Harry, also known as Henry the Minstrel. I don't know which nickname. Well, this was written 172 years after Wallace's death. So it's complete bollocks. Yeah, it's a load of shit. It's a blind guy writing centuries after this run. But he composed this book called The Wallace, or is it a book or is it a fucking epic poem?

Whatever. Anyway, the acts indeed said the Elastis and Valian champion Sarali and Wallace. And so this kind of is like the Scottish. Odyssey maybe. Right. I think it's the best-selling book in Scotland apart from the Bible. Right.

But how many books are there in Scotland? There's two books. There's the Bruins and then there's the Bible and then there's the Wallace. Those are the three Scottish books. In it, in it, so Blind Harry claims

that William Wallace fights and kills a lion. Yeah. But I mean, that's... There's a load of shit. I'll say that now. It's absolute shit. So we get to, in May 1297, William Wallace, this is his first appearance in the records. He kills the English sheriff William Hazelrig.

That's not on. At Lanark. I suppose this is kind of like Bin Laden. William Hazelrig does sound like he's asking for it. I don't know why. Wallace, so we don't really think, we don't really know why, but in this sort of book there's absolute horseshit. there's there's a sense

that he's trying to make a Robin Hood story and supposedly this is how they what they show in the film Braveheart which is also complete bollered

not nonsense he has a wife called Marion Braid Foote Marion Braid Foote sounds gorgeous yeah Braid Foote

but well in Braveheart the film she's called Murren which is which is a which is Yeah, but she's gorgeous in the film.

Yeah. And part of that took me out the narrative, because I was like, there's no way anyone was that attractive until at least 1960. Yes. Like she did in medieval Scotland. She's just eating porridge.

Charlie, Google, Google image, what happens to if you just eat porridge? Have you seen the shape you get if you just eat porridge? Adam Hesse showed me this once ages ago. When I was trying to, I said it was image. Well, it's your body. Yeah, look.

You basically, it's pure. It's pure. But what is, that's just like a... So what we're seeing now on the screen, trying to get that image up. It's a bowl of porridge and then it's a... Yeah, but I don't know how... It's almost like a sort of cross-section of PC plot from Noddy.

It's like, it's, it's... They start, they look normal and then as you descend, the bunder just envelopes. I quite like that. That's what you're into, is it. That's a nice build. Thick, yeah. Thick and oaty.

If you just eat porridge, you basically goes all on the waist, the thighs and the belly. Yeah, so it doesn't give you like nice hourglass shape. No. Very much. Yeah.

It's in our glass that's been turned over. It's when you've got to leave the sauna. Yeah. That's what it looks like. Anyway, so

supposedly the English sheriff wants to marry Marion Bradfoot and following a skirmish Marion helps Wallace to escape but Hazelrig

kills Marion. But we don't know if this happened. This could all be bollocks. But then so Wallace then kills

Hazelrig and goes on a rampage against the English, which... Laying IUDs in the street, you know. It's a story as old as time. He uses the terrain to devastating effect. This is, I suppose, this is Bin Laden in the Mujahideen. Yeah, and then he hides in the highlands, you know.

The Mujahidim. Gorgeous whiskey from Tororabor. I guess you could take all Afghani, and Iraqi, Fallujah. Yeah. Faluzia. Faluzha. Oh, that's a lot of Fallujah. Yeah, it does sound like Scottish.

Get Scottish slang up, Charlie, because it is pretty good. Fallujah sounds like Scottish slang. Because there's like books written only in Scottish, like... Yeah. They've got words like drich. Do you know what dreech means? Miserable. Yeah.

Like weather's drich. Gourna, nor die that. Krabbit. Krabbit, glaikit. Drukit. Gobbed. Is maybe the most... Gubbed.

My phone's gobbed. Is it like the... One of the most... the accents you want to impersonate the most for some reason. Yeah. Scottish. I feel it's just like people always love going to it. It is one of the most satisfying to do, I feel.

Very percussive language. Yeah. Yeah. Get to fuck. Clarty. Clarty. Clarty. That means dirty. Yeah, that clarty, clarty. Is that where blood clart? Is that where blood clart? Mate, each one is it could. Fucking blood clart.

Look at that. Clart. Oh no, I've got to change me clart. Tuntun-Clart. Isn't Jamaican a mix of... Yeah, it is. It's like Irish. Yeah. So there's probably some gay-licky stuff in there. Etymology of clart, please, Charlie?

Etymology of clart. Charlie, please. Etymology of clart, please. The word clart has an unknown origin, but peers in Scottish and Northern English dialect, meaning sticky mud. Sticky mud, filth or something messy. Can also reverse a dirty person.

Jamaican, Jamaican. Yeah. Pussy clart. That is Scottish. Look at that. So it's a dirty, sanitary rag. I guess you know

that the UK has done some naughty stuff when someone from Africa is in the Caribbean with Scottish slang. Something's gone terribly wrong. Yeah. We sort of caught red-handed

in that regard. Undeniably, shouldn't have been going to some ways. You know, if someone, if God was looking at the world in 1,200s and came back 500 years later,

it was like, what have you got there? What have you got there? Why are you saying that? Nothing. They should be paying us reparations. Yeah. Yeah, it's like an Irish guy in Japan

or saying Kenichiwa or whatever. It's like, well, how have you learned that? So Andrew Murray, now supposedly, when we come to the great battle that Wallace is what he's famous for, supposedly it's all Murray. Supposedly Murray is actually the guy. So he comes from a noble family

and he fights alongside his father at the Battle of Dunbar, as we said, where he gets captured. And once he's released from English prisons, he tries to recapture Scottish Castle. So he's a kind of freedom fighter as well. Anyway, so following the action at Lanark where Wallace goes crazy, beast mode, kills a bunch of English people. There's a raid on scone, which is quite triggering for me.

I used to do several raids on scones. Mince pies, cakes, they were my sort of trip tonight. Now it's just... It's sort of like the Beric-on-Tweed massacre. Yeah. That was me age eight. It was only when you were eating the, before the scones were made, that you were getting. getting in the tub there. Devastated. The final King Edward said, that's enough.

Yes, that's right. Yes, sorry. I was eating them straight from the oven. Yeah. And dad went, right, you've got to get out of this tea room. It's too far. This is too far.

So Wallace carries out the raid of scorn. And is this when they meet Murray, do we think, Andy Murray? We don't know. We don't know. And I can't say that I care either. Don't care. Wallace forces the

Justice of Scotland, who been appointed by the English, to flee and takes control of the city of Scone. Right. Where is scone, Charlie? Can you find out where in Scotland's scone is? I assume that's where the scone is from. You'd have to think so.

You'd have to think so. They'd be livid if it wasn't. Where's scorn, Charlie? It is a town in Perth. Perthshire, yeah. Did Scone invent the scone? No. No, my God.

Look at that. Scone did not invent The scone. Why is a scone called a scone? But it's such an English thing, isn't it? Yeah. Such an English stereotype. From either the Dutch schoonblood.

Wow. So we don't know. Wait, wait, wait, hold up. So it's scons actually could come from the Scottish Gaelic for skong. Which is a shapeless mass. Large mouthful. And you know it's not a world-class cuisine. Where you're calling it a shapeless mass.

Yeah. Or a large mouthful. Which is also what a woman who just eats porridge looks like. A shapeless. mass. A large mouthful. A large mouthful. Anyway, they raid Scone in June 1297, which is one of several rebellions taking place across

Scotland. They take control of the city of Scone. Wallace and Andrew Murray are operating independently but by using similar guerrilla methods, they link up in late summer, 1297. And this sort of disorganised rebellion starts to become a

revolution. And so it forces the English to act. So Wallace and Andrew Murray team up And much like Andy Murray And Judy Murray and Douglas Murray They will cause havoc Yeah Want to know the real story of how Oasis made Britain mad for it

How Friends turned us on to coffee culture And super layered hair The secrets of Nirvana, train spotting Gay hookups, Diana's revenge dress And what it was really like to be a spice girl Plunge back into the decade when the world fell for cool Britannia, Bumster jeans and Lemon Hooch with Talk 90s to Me. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you use Spotify, you can watch the whole show too.

That's Talk 90s to Me out every Monday. Now, Murray and Wallace, when they work together, they will come together on this fateful day. Yeah, it's Lennon McCartney today. The 11th of September, 1297. the original English 9-11 the Scottish bin Laden with his Maktaliban genuinely

their big victory it happens on 9-11 in 1297 now we're going to set this up and then on the next episode we will deal with the tragedy on that day

of the English 9-11 it was a crisp autumn morning in the highlands now Stirling Castle was the what they call the gateway to the highlands. Right. There's like,

I don't know, there's a bunch of fucking rivers, bendy rivers. And Sterling, if you had Sterling Castle, you would sort of control all the Scotland to the north of you.

So, the battle of Sterling Bridge, it's the key to the stronghold in the Highlands. If the English are going to take Scotland, they have to cross this bridge. Right. But the bridge is shit.

It's a shit bridge. It's the shitters bridge I've ever heard of. Right. In that it could only really get one horse at a time. right um and what wallace does the definition of a choke point yes exactly which again when i start using um military history yeah uh in the sexual arena yeah it's dangerous it's it's turning me on just you want you want to doy mary to put you in a choke point i want no i wanted to tell me about

choke points i wanted to tell me about killing zones yeah i wanted to say i'm going to outflank you beach head yeah yeah i want judy murray to establish a bridgehead on my thigh to then call in a Arrison. To then advance on my boss. Of Coonsberg. Coonsberg turned out flat me from behind. Yeah. Sort of blitzkriek.

Yes. Before you don't know what's going on. Before you know, Coonsberg's pegging me. The key was surprising. Coonsberg is on meth and she's just gone through the forest. She's gone through your Ardennes. Got to the forest. Broken through the Ardennes.

I did not expect her to go through there. But you're bloody loving it. I left a gap. In your machin-o-Live. My match, and Coonsberg just broke through it. She didn't sleep. There's pigs in there?

Laura. Laura, what about the pigs? Yeah, she's broken through. Think of the pigs, Laura. And then Judy Murray is stranded on the beach. Judy Murray's got to do it. Yeah. She's waiting for fishermen to come pick her up.

Yeah. I don't know what this. I don't know what this means anymore. But I like it. But I'm really into it. I'm going to have to end this episode. fucking horny. We might have to call this app.

Might have to call this app but I'm too horny. I'm too horny. I'm too horny. I can't. I need to go and just calmed down. And when we come back, we will deal with the Battle of Sterling Bridge.

Wow. William Wallace. It doesn't get bigger than this. It does not get bigger than this. And it's live. It's live. On Super Sunday. Yeah.

William Wallace. I mean, oldest football fixture England versus Scotland. So this is an old rivalry. Don't the Scots invent football? No. No. No.

They've not. They can't take that. They can't take that. They invent a lot of shit, which they don't get. The toilet. A lot of crap. They did. Dr. Craper.

They do inventor. They do inventors. They do inventors. A lot of crap. I mean, one of their great inventors is called crap. Yes. Yeah. Amazing.

So. Quietly innovative people. Yeah. The telephone. Yeah. Penicillin. Yeah. Insulin.

TV. Now, insulin, obviously, they invented. Yeah. The electric grid. Chain saw. Chainsaw. Chainsaw. Dunlop cheese.

Universe. time. Yeah. Christ. Deep fried Mars bar. There you go. They were really, they were for a period.

They were absolutely going to. Have you ever had a deep fried? McVitties. Wow. Have you ever had a deep fried pizza? No. Yeah. Bad.

Bad. Tell you that now it's bad. It's great when Italian and Scottish culture meat. Yeah. Fusion cuisine. Put that pizza in a deep fry. Yeah. You know what?

I've had two bites of one. You want to get deep fry. by a Scottish woman. Yeah, as again. Deep fried Finn Taylor. Well, that's me, in that scenario, that's Coonsberg

dropping an atomic bomb on me. I'm just getting dunked in a bit. Yeah, and you're a deep fried Mars bar. Yeah, I say, having two bites of a deep fried pizza and I felt my chest

hardening with like cholesterol. You've been starting to become more Scottish. Yeah. And that's why, it's starting like this. I'm like that. Oh, me. Close.

We're about to collapse outside of fucking chippy. Yeah. Anyway, in our next, sorry, Charlie, you've just Google deep fried roast. Is that a thing? I need to know. Before we,

before we end the episode, I need to take safe search off. I need to see if that's possible. They offer a full deep fried roast dinner, especially around Christmas. So are you saying that the Scottish, Scottish people deep fried Christmas dinner? I mean, it's already sort of.

That's, oh my God. So that's being served like it's a chippy. Right. If you're not, if you're listening, switch to video. Charlie has found a deep fried Christmas dinner. Yeah.

That's, I mean, that's got to be your last meal. not because you've decided that's what's going to be. Oh, right. So it's not, it's not your... Deep-fried roast dinner. You're not on the Green Mile asking for your last dinner.

It just happens to be, you know, it's the fatal dinner. To me, to me it makes sense that the country that invents the toilet also invents deep-friing a roast dinner. Are you saying, well, you used to take this thing for a test drive? Yes, exactly. And now, I wonder which came first. Because if this came first, they went, you know what, I can't ship my pants. I have to put this shit somewhere.

We need to build some kind of vessel for what's going out to be. So like standing toilets in India, you just wouldn't be able to get away with that in Scotland. You can't, you know, you can't squat over a hole in the ground if you just fucking smash a deep fried roast dinner. You know, you just sit up.

Yeah. Deep fried pasta. Christ. Yeah. What's the, you had the tattie dog in Edinburgh? Yeah, no. Pie maker. Yeah.

The pie maker is amazing. I mean, they're an innovative people, the Scottish. They really are. They are, but within set parameters. The tattie dog is absolutely amazing. It's a Frankfurta wrapped in a hash brown. It's absolute deep fat fry. Murder.

I'm just seeing if anyone killed anyone on a deep fat friar. Go on, tell us about it. Jeffrey Brand was accused and, oh, he was cleared of murdering his wife with boiling oil. Davis Brown. Deep fried wife. That's a tight dog. Look at that. Gorgeous.

I'd love a tithe dog right now. Yeah. It's really good. We, I mean, we can't, we can't know whether William Wallace ever had a deep-fired roast dinner. I think this is, this is probably happening before deep-fat fries. Right. But it's not before they just sort of set fire to a butcher's bin and ate that. Anyway, in our next episode, we will deal with the fateful battle of Stirling Bridge.

The McTaliban storm the gates. Sterlingrad. Stirlingrad. The butcher's bin Laden. The butcher's been lardin. Osama Butchers been Lardin. That episode is already. on our Patreon

for three pounds a month you get instant access to series and a bonus episode every week and I imagine they deep fry a lot of their

a lot of their foods the patrons yeah definitely yeah see the deep fried they didn't even know there's a culture behind it no that's just like innate

that's cooking yeah do we have many Scottish listeners yeah of course we do oh aye and then Glasgow on tour

was the spices of the lot pizza fuck yes Glasgow we should say in the Glasgow tour show which was I think the first time we've had to tell people

to stop joining in with the ironic Holocaust denial but you didn't feel that ironic in that room. We had to mock up before Jackass when they say this is done by professionals we had to do that for Holocaust denial because the Scots couldn't be trusted. And live pedo?

Oh fuck. I mean we talked about live pedo before. Maybe on a patron. Anyway, we accidentally hired a paedophile but that's another story. To be a Nazi. Let's not get into it now. But we did hire a paedophile to be a Nazi.

One of our Nazis was a paed apart, but that's a long story. It's a big sentence. You'll just have to take out word for it, that it was fine. It's Glasgow. It's different up there. It's fine. Yeah. Anyway, that's on the Patreon.

If you'd like to know more about that story, we'll talk about another Patreon. And we'll see you on Thursday for the English 9-11 at Stirling Bridge. Goodbye.