Fin vs History - You think Fyre Festival was bad… | The Golden Age of Piracy (Part 1)

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

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Horatio Gould. O'R. Today, it's the history of big shits today. That's a pirate having a shit. That's a pirate having a shit. We're talking about

piracy from Uarmi Hartis to I am DeCaptain now. The history of pirates. Because I guess there's a lot of URs. Back in the day, if you're a, you know, a 1700s pirate,

there's many difference, you know, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, you know, you find out,

you found out your brother died, uh, uh, are you saying that the pirate language was just, uh, and it was how they inflected in the tone.

Yeah, like cavemen, uga, bugga, it's just sort of, it's, it's like Chinese, it's all about inflection.

I see, right. Uh-huh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Is that what Dedia Smith was doing.

and we're talking about the golden age of piracy a requested topic from probably a female listener an active female listener I imagine it's a strange one because obviously piracy is a crime we must not forget piracy is a crime we do not condone piracy on this podcast it's legal and so what's strange is that there's a golden age of a crime yeah it's been romanticised

It must be the crime that's been ranticized the most. Is that, yeah. Because if we... There's a mafia, Italian mafia. Yes, but if we were just do a podcast series on the golden age of rape... Well, it is the golden age of rape. Is it?

Yeah. Currently. No, no. Piracy is the golden age of rape. Yes, that's what I mean. But if we were to call it the golden age of sea rape... Yeah. Aquatic rapist is what?

Aquatic. Then I think even our listeners who have somewhat of an iron constitution would be like, I don't think this is funny. Well, I was trying to get this bit off the ground, which is, I was at... Really? Comedy, lads? The golden age of Aquatic.

rape. I guess it's amphibious rape, isn't it? It's Anne-N-Cy. Yeah. I was at my girlfriend's niece and nephews fancy dress birthday, they're like six and seven. And all the girls were dressed up as like unicorns, princesses, fairies. Yes.

And all the boys were dressed up as rapists from the past. It is weird. Yeah, it is weird. That all kind of what's put on to young boys is... You talk about the crisis of masculine. guillinity, it obviously starts when they're dressing up as historical rapists. It's like, there's a Viking, that's a historical rapist. There was a crusader.

That's historical rapist. One six-year-old was dressed as Harvey Weinstein, that's just weird. Yeah, a zimmer frame and a bad, an ill-fitting suit. Why have you come to a six-year-old party dressed as that? That's weird. Yeah, there's a lot of, there's a lot of rape, there's a lot of robbing. It's a crime. It's, we must not forget.

It's been ranticized so much. It's almost the equivalent of a six-year-old in a hundred years, dressing up as Muhammad Atta or one of the life. heaven hijackers. It's strange that it's, and as we'll discover in this series, it is just a series of criminals that have been romanticised almost immediately to now that it's in children's literature. Because like Johnny Depp, that's like a lovable rogue in Pirates the Caribbean. I guess it's the modern one is like Russell Brandt, right? Yes. Where it's like that's kind of what they're like. His pirate days are now over. Because he looks like a pirate and he's a rapist.

And he's a rapist and he rapes like a pirate. He talks like a pirate. Um, and his golden age is now over, I think. When did you say the golden age of Russell Brown was? Was that? That's where he was getting shagger at the year. We should do a patron special. Yeah, again, rapist of the year. They're romanticising it at the time.

This guy's a prolific shagger. He's literally a, a procedural rapist. Oh, my word. Allegedly. Dress your six year old up with Russell Brand. For a party. Brand, Cosby and Weinstein. Yeah, that's a, that's, I mean, I'm, I'm going to that party.

I don't even know the kid. I'm like, this is it. These guys are fun. yes the golden age of piracy which is a crime is generally thought to be between 1650 and 1730 obviously so long as humans have traded up by sea

there have been pirates but this is the this is seen as the yeah the era that we now romanticise yeah well it's easy to remind because I think we're talking about this on the other podcast me and Charlie is that yeah the Somali pirates there's less romanticism to the

to the modern pirate. You know, on a speedboat with an AK-47, I'm the captain now. It's quite root one, isn't it? Yeah, I guess there's less, I don't know, there's less jauntiness to it. Yeah, and they're not sort of dandy. Yeah.

They're not wearing cravat, neckerchief. There's no tricorna hat. Yeah. There's no, you know, code of conduct. Yes. Buried treasure. Just a head buried in the sand. Tom Hanks' head is in the sand.

Piracy is widespread an issue in various regions with the most active areas being the Asia-Pacific region around Africa. Well, it's always going to be choke points. in a trade route right so it's going to be the malacca straight like near singapore it's going to be in the red sea that little thing that's where you're going to really yeah it's like on an online call-a-duty map there's like a choke point of the map just chuck some grenades in there you'll get something yeah you'll get something oh the other thing i was going to say is not just the pirates that have been romanticised but you think about treasure hunters in this day and age there's a sort

of the treasure hunting is quite sad you know you go from an era where pirates are uh sailing the seas, they're buccaneers, they're wild men, beards. Oh, har, they're drinking. And now a treasure hunter is an autistic man in a raincoat on a beach with a metal detector. Right. So you think this was a time when neurotypicals were... Treasure hunting. Yeah, exactly. This is neurotypical treasure hunting. And nowadays, it's autistic treasure hunting, which is just mind-sweeping on a beach. Which is, it's a lone pursuit. Yeah. It used to be a communal thing. Yeah, it used to be kind of essentially a stag-do on the seas.

Now, did you romanticised pirates, were you as... As a young boy. A beautiful fleeting young boy. Was it cowboys? What was it? Pirates was... Cowboys and Indians, definitely. I remember having a playmobile set that I now look back on a thing.

I can imagine you arresting a lot of Indians for breaking the law. No, I looked back in the playmobile set I had, and I now realized that I, um, there was a Confederate army. And I don't know why it was the American Civil War, but I now realize that they're all, I don't know where the unionists went. Right. I basically was just playing with the Southern Tree. You just saw the unions, you're like, nah, I don't... Get them in the bin. Just, um...

I don't agree with their politics. Charlie's just brought up the most common usage in Australian slang for a man searching around for casual sex as in on the pirate or the verb to pirate.

It's also been used to describe a pimp who steals a prostitute from another pimp. So again, in all its uses, it is a crime. There's no honour amongst thieves. Charlie's also said a more recent slang usage

is a fictitious sex act called the pirate or the angry pirate described as when you're getting a blow, and when you come, you're jack late and her eye, then you kick her in the shin.

The result is the woman squints her eye, hopped up and down on one foot, and screams, ah, now, that's not the result, though, is it? That's not actually what happens. Now, why is this on Wikipedia? That's not... That's not...

If you do that to a woman, that is not what she'd do. Yeah, but also, you have to really nail that technically. That's an extraordinary. It's also you've just come. So you have to have the composure to do a martial arts move after you're literally coming.

So, you know, pulling out's hard enough, isn't it? To try and not have a kid. If that's your childbirth, child contraception. Yeah. Pulling out's hard enough. I think you have to warn her that you might do a pirate move.

I think otherwise than that is pretty fucking awful. By the way, love, it's pirate night tonight. We're going to have some joll off rice and then I'm going to come in your eye and kick you in the shin. And you know, what's your line? All right. That's right. I'm pretty sure they go, owl.

But it's not really a sex move, is it? It's more of a, it's a vibe. Well, that's we'll discover it's rape, isn't it? Piracy is just rape. That's all this is. This is the golden age of rape. I'll tell you what, listening to a podcast about the pirate and studying it, it did, yeah, it was more interesting than I remember it being almost.

I'm like, I do see the romance. I didn't know, I didn't know anything about it. And, yeah, I now, I mean, obviously you get turned off in the same way that the Jack The Ripper people. Anyone who dresses like a pirate immediately in the bin for me, these people don't pay council tax. They're a disgrace. They write poetry.

You know, I don't want anything to do with them. If you're wearing the pirate jacket, not for me. I remember maybe the worst stand-up bit of all time. I remember from when I was started in the Midlands when I was at uni, there was like a guy who sort of dressed like a pirate vibe, right? I think he was also like an amateur wrestler. And it was probably the worst routine I've ever seen, right? The premise was, it's funny when you're playing like football and you have a bad touch

and people say you've got the touch of a rapist, right? And that's just because you control the ball wrong, but that's not a touch of the rapist. A touch of a rapist would be this. And then he acted out, someone kicking a ball to him. And then he raped the football. So this is what. And for like a minute and a half, he mimed

raping a football this guy sounds like a genius what he should be an Edinburgh award it was amazing it was at the Holly Bush and Cradley Heath shout out and it was I just what

I could not believe also he had gum in his mouth the whole set as well so it's even more he's just like the A's more of him chewing and panting and what point are you making miming

raping a football and I guess was he expecting us all to go yeah I guess that is funny yeah people are just watching on in silence I once did in my early stand-up days at Bristol there was a guy who I started at the same time you meet someone in your first few weeks of view

and he also wants to do stand-up you're like, oh great, so we'll be mates and we did a radio show and quite quickly I realized he was absolutely insane and I started doing stand-up and was doing quite what we now call what we'd call like mainstream open sport trying to just do straight stand-up

obviously it was bad because I was at 18. His signature routine was he would black up with Marmite and then hit himself with the face of the toaster and the battle was called Man versus Toaster and he wants to this a festival

with Marmite because he was trying to be a piece of toast is his defence right he didn't know did he know what he was doing I don't know if he could see outside

the objective yeah what we were seeing was a man blacking up with Marmite but he really do jam lads do jam

that's what I said I said if you're being toast why the Marmite why does Marmite have to be involved he would black up with Marmite and then he hit himself on the face with the toaster and at one point he did this so hard

and he was also quite drunk and it was a big gig it was like a festival gig one of the halls had a summer festival and then like it was like 300 people quite big if you started to stand up and he was just so high in adrenaline that he just knocked himself out

and like hit himself really hard with the toaster and sort of just passed out and then I had to come on and go they're wiping everyone and sort of like rouse him rouse this blacked up man stinking of yeast it just

nutted himself with a brevel anyway um halcy and days you really do meet some freaks when he starts down it's one of the joys actually

it's the freaks particularly for people like us who had very um you know nought like private school tightly controlled upbring to then be cast into this world of absolute luletics

of which I imagine Charlie's this is where Charlie comes from this is the pool of you A miracle that Charlie's behind the camera. He deserves to be. Today, we came in, just before we came in, he started making, we have a filter coffee machine.

He put the coffee in, put the water in, he pressed start, and then he realised that coffee was leaking everywhere because he hadn't put the fucking carafe in. And the carafe was in another room. But you came in. I came in, and I went, what are you doing?

I don't know. And I went, where's the craf? He went, oh, yeah. Carap was in another room. And I went, I'll just go get that, shall like, yeah, yeah, I think so. Anyway. Now, listen, the golden,

we must get. get on to the golden age of piracy. I mean piracy. So 16, 1550 is generally seen as the start. And the context... Sorry, I guess in my head, you don't really see it as a time period. It's just kind of up. No, it's an era.

It's not what I mean? It's like the 1600s and the 1700s. You don't really think of that as the pirate time. It feels like exists a little bit outside of date. Well, pirates, I guess it's a mythical thing, really. Because you're thinking, mid-600s, that's like the English Civil War. Yes. And that feels weirdly quite a far cry from pirates. The first thing that really we should build into the context is that in the 60th century,

the 1500s, and I can't believe I'm saying this, Spain is an economic powerhouse. Right, right, right, right, right. The past is another country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you can't, you can't imagine it now, but Spain is literally an economic powerhouse. It's like, it's the big boy. It's the biggest of boys. It's like across between.

It's modern day German in Japan. somehow everyone wants a piece of Spain Spain have obviously their first... Huge Catholic power, they've taken South America, lots of South America, right, at this point? Yes, so they have all these silver and gold mines in Potosi and what's now in Bolivia and Brazil and Argentina. The Pope has split the world into two halves

and said Spain, you can do that half, which is the Americas and Portugal, you can do the rest of the world. Yeah. So that's, at the moment, it's these two are dominating. So it really is, it's almost science fiction for us now. The idea that the Spanish are powering Well, it's like a, yeah, it's like, imagine if the Nazis won the war. It's counterfactual history, yeah, is that Spain are not sleeping.

Spain are viciously awake, and they are exploiting resources. Right, yeah. Maybe there was some kind of climate change that happened. Yes. Maybe it was slightly cooler. I mean, that's why Portugal makes sense because it's slightly more temperate. Right. Spain's very hot.

Yeah, Atlantic breeze. They're not napping the Portuguese. They get away with a lot of the Portuguese. They do. But the Spaniards. are they are exploiting the new world and they have a monopoly over all the treasure and they are exporting gold and silver

and spices from Mexico or the South America back to Europe. At this time also, is Spain also the Holy Roan Empire because Charles, I think, unites the Holy Roan Empire with Spain through marriage. Maybe. So it means that not only do they have this huge South American empire,

the whole of Germany, parts of Italy and Spain are all one thing. So they've got a continental empire as well. But the treasure fleet, the Spanish treasure fleet, which is the fleet that transports all the stuff, that starts to decline in its monopoly. Because obviously the Brits are like, well, we want some of this.

The Brits have New England, the early colonies on the Eastern Sea World of America. The Spanish eyes are slowly start to close. Yeah, yeah. Their bellies are full with all the food. There's just a little bit. The siesta, the long siesta is, on its way.

You just start to hear this from the ships and just the gentle waves and the breeze and the fresh air and the little fat man starts to just doze off in his chair

and into this nap come the Brits and they've just woken up they've just woken up so Cromwell takes Jamaica One of most of awake men never had a nap this man

England captured Jamaica in 1655 So Cromwell leads, I think, an expedition into Jamaica. They capture it from probably the Spanish, and they developed this place called Port Royal as the main base from which to attack the Spanish. It would be interesting to show Cromwell M.D.Rasta. So the kind of the bookends of what he started, really.

Yeah, I mean, that is amazing. Jamaica's history is started and ended with my white men in that you have Cromwell at one end and M.D. The Puts it turn around at the other end. And also the other thing that's interesting about Jamaica is that essentially the Jamaican accent, this is how it's born. Now, obviously, as you know, I'm a huge amateur linguist. And I, on my theory is that obviously all pirates essentially are West Country. They're all, because Plymouth.

Well, that's certainly the stereotype, isn't it? Yeah, but that's also where, because all the new riches in the world was West. Yes. So all the big pirate towns in the UK. Plymouth, Devon, Bristol. Slave trade's obviously going. Smuggling. So that, so all the big pirates are from the West country. So you have the Bristolian accent, all right, all right, my lover.

And then you mingle that with African slaves, here, Lord dear. Right. So those are the two accents, and they start to merge and you get the modern Jamaican patois. Make your potion. So you have, all right, my love, hello, dear. Oh, all right, my love. Hello dear All right my love

All right my love And you get from All right my love To Helodier to Ebrida You know It kind of merges like that You see what I mean It's kind of mingles

And you get this Sub-Saharan African Plus West Country It's probably the best accent In the wild Yeah It's been made And it's the

Because it's a Unlikely Union Yeah It's like those two things Should never have met Yeah Subthahan Africans You've got the kind of

The West Country Mixed with the kind of The baseline And the tongue drums sub-Samaran African and you get this in a easy man

brida me want plant in yeah all that then that is West country plus African which happens because Cromwell

starts Jamaica as a sort of base with which to attack Spanish because I think what's people don't really know and I don't think he's even talked about enough

is that like indigenous Jamaicans don't really exist Latino if anything yeah the Latino but it doesn't in your head it doesn't exist

because everyone all the African Caribbean, basically black people in Caribbean would move there as part of slavery pretty much. Yeah. But the indigenous population seemed to not even exist. Because in Bolivia there's still a huge indigenous population. Yes.

But in Caribbean it seems like probably disease wiped out the indigenous population, but this doesn't even deceive indigenous Jamaicans. Yeah, it's almost yeah, I guess it's like red Indians. They're called Taino. Tino. Tino people, yeah. Jamaican Tynos. The original indigenous, it happened to Jamaica with the Tino people

an Arawak speaking group they called the island Jamaica. Are they still indigenous Jamaicans today? Largely wiped out by Spanish colonisation and subsequent enslavement. Their presence are still evident in the maroons who are poor communities. Yeah, there you go. And we talked about this with the ulster plantations.

It's like some absolutely awful. This is some terrible stuff happening in Caribbean. But it is very idyllic. It's a weird contrast. If you're going to be wiped out, there's no better place to be wiped out from. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4.00. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap,

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Visit rbc.com slash iron cards. What the English do is they want to turn this town, Port Royal, in Jamaica, into a base for state-sanctioned pirates. Privateers. Privateers to attack the Spanish fleet. Because at this point, Spain's the main economy somehow, and the English are like this does not make any sense. We're Cromwell's Britain. We've never been more Protestant.

These Catholic fat cats have all the gold. Let's have a go. I mean, we're sort of like at this period where the scrappy upstart, right? Yeah. We're a small island nation. A burgeoning aquatic power. Yeah.

And we're basically a pirate economy in many ways of attacking this big, huge lumbering beast that's the Spanish Empire. And I think that view of England as pirates it has carried through because if you look at like the Falklands War you look at the way

that it was covered Don't tempt me We will cover it But if the way it's covered in Argentina The constant view of England Yes Is pirates

Yeah right So I think they It's still in Spanish The Spanish speaking world We're still seen There's an idea of us As pirates Well if being awake

For 12 hours a day Is it causes a pirate Then fair enough You're stealing hours From the day Stealing hours From the bed So

So Port Royal is meant to be this privateer base. However, they just don't have the resources or the manpower to basically govern it properly. And so it becomes basically like Vegas, Sin City. This den of iniquity. The wickedest city on the world, Port Royal. Because privateers are these state-sanctioned pirates where the state will basically give you what's called...

So Francis Drake was probably most famous privateer. You get given a letter of Mark. And you are then licensed. to attack merchant ships from a country that you're at war with. And then when the war ends, these people have got used to a lifestyle, and then they become pirates because they start attacking ships outside of the remit of their government. It's the same story you have with, like, the CIA building up the Afghan forces because they want to kill the Soviets, and then they pull out,

and then suddenly they've created the Taliban who do 9-11. It's the same thing of countries basically using mercenaries, and then the war ends, and then suddenly you've got people who just want to carry on the party. Yeah, because you made so much money being a privateer And now you have to go back to just shoddy merchant work Where you're getting a tuppence in comparison Yeah So it had a reputation, Port Royal

As the quote, Sodom of the New World Right This is Vegas, it's Stag do capital Yes, yeah, yeah And it's peak, Port Royal had one drinking establishment For every 10 residents Right Taverns were open day and night

Serving rum, beer, brandy I don't imagine that I heard that the plumbing wasn't amazing yes I heard this is that because it's a pirate haven so there's no tax and no one's paying tax which means there's no infrastructure which means it's just

poo everywhere just poo everywhere piss everywhere it's Greece it's modern day Greece I guess gambling dens cockfighting pits you ever watched a cockfight

no have you? Yeah there was a period of my life where I was in quite a bad relationship and I think it was the off season for the Premier League and I I was I wasn't I wasn't basically I was struggling to find a sport to get into and I started for maybe two weeks live streaming cockfighting from the Philippines You're really you're really up against it. I was really bored and I wanted to get in you know you feel like I need to get into something Yeah, to have something that's not I need to have something. I need to have something and the football's off and I don't know if maybe England weren't playing the cricket for a while or it was a T20 or something anyway so there are these live streams you can get on Filipino cockfighting

it's not a sport it's like Formula One it doesn't really translate over the small screen I think I've never seen it live Yeah this is Did you have like

favourite cocks that you really wanted to win Were you gambling on them No I did There were There was a pop-up saying The pop-up saying Do you want to put money

Into this fight But the problem is I am this isn't meant to be racist I couldn't tell The chickens apart Okay Yeah I mean wow I know

All hens matter but I just couldn't tell them apart so I yeah I sort of lost interest go on do the cocks come out angry or do they do they hate each other immediately yeah yeah yeah they're not they're not happy cox yeah I think yeah imagine it's similar to bullfighting or anything like that they just get them fucking jacked up

they get them jacked up he was fucking saying that you are fucking short talents he said what yeah and then yeah he's gonna shag your wife he's gonna walk yeah yeah and then they just blah and then they um prostitution flourishes in Port Royal. Is it to the death? Cog fighting?

Yeah. Yes. Fuck. You can't really tell her, you can't really, you can't really win a cockfight on points. Yeah, I guess. There's like a Mayweather of cockfighting. All right, that was 13 rounds. Very defensive sort of cockfighter.

The prostitution flourishes. 25% of women in Port Royal are sex workers. I don't slag him off. Which is actually, yeah. That sounds like. A quarter of Jamaican women at this time are prostitutes. what are you doing in Port Royal though what are you doing in the rapist capital

of the world? Yes that's fishing I don't imagine there's a lot of like I don't know female rights movements being like no we're more than that it's like what are you doing here sex work is still work

you've not got sewage love so a sailor pirate would return from you know the sea with a hall of treasure and they just burn through it gambling fucking anyone something that I found

so a lot of this is obviously there's the call for adventure but they're all trying to make money but how do you even keep any money do you put it in your pocket well i guess you go there are these pirate bases where it's like a it's like an underground economy it's like a black market but the thing is you probably would burn through it or spend it because i would be terrified that someone puts a knife to my neck can i have all your money oh but it's also but it's there's fencing you know there's there's people that are there to like change the money into thing you can spend right because a lot of it's not a lot of treasure at this time actually means just valuable stuff

yeah it's not gold and silver but where you keep it's mainly like a lot of it's flour which actually sounds pretty boring yeah but where you keep it all your flour how do you stop you were stealing it it's a lawless place yeah there's no like bank set up there's no rules bake it into bread but then people what's the last money laundering that is i'm nick loads of flour i've just baked into bread now i can sell the bread genius fuck that's a good that's a good I guess what they would do is you'd find a hole and you'd bury your treasure well no this is a myth actually about buried treasure which we'll get to I just don't know I'd keep all my stuff right I'm trying to build well you spend it you don't you be not they're not

trying to acquire wealth they're not like fucking that guy who's on the all the they're not like Warren Buffett they're not Warren Buffett they're not Simon Squib who's sorry do you have a dream that's not that guy so do you have a drink what do you what do you do now I'm a pirate oh right you ever thought about actually just you know keeping your loot somewhere. They're not smart investors. No, they're not investing in anything. They're live fast, die young.

Right, okay. The whole thing's punk, isn't it? That's why people like it. There's an anti-establishment thing. They're robbing merchant ships. Ask where do pirates keep their money, keep their wealth. So Charlie's just Googled some pirates slang.

When I say, can you start something up, don't put something else on the screen. Landlubber. What's a landlubber? Do you know about landlubber? Is that a fat guy stuff on the beach? This is like me and Charlie were also talking about. Landlubber is, yeah, it's the insult that

pirates have for people who don't are obsessed with the land or like stay on the land. Oh, right, landlubber. But as I was saying, I, I'm not a big seafaring man. No, you look, you know. I get a bit queasy on the boat. Yeah. Every time on a boat, I'm like, I can't wait to be on land again.

I'm just a big land guy. I, you're a landlubber? I'm just, yeah, I am. And if they call me that, I wouldn't be offended because I'm like, yeah, like, I'm proud for being, I really like being on the land. I do so much better. I dabble. I dabble in sea. I'm a sort of seabender. Right. Okay. Right. Bisexual. I don't like

ferries. I find them, I don't like a ferry at all. I get very sick on ferries. Yeah. You get ferry sick. I get ferry sick. But I love being on a little skiff. Right. I've got a dream, my retirement. Eventually when I am cancelled, I'm going Greek Island, little boat, six pack of cans, fishing rod. I can't fish, but fuck it. I'll just eat some yogh or something. Yeah. I'm sure they can't fish either in Greece. Oh, no one's, they don't know what's going on. I'll get some grenades, just, I like how that's technically fishing. You see an American, Americans fishing, you just go, fuck this, drop a grenade in the pond. Bang. Oh, the fish arise up, yeah.

Anyway, we've got to get back to the narrative. Port Royal becomes this pirate base. And there are pirate bases everywhere. Madagascar's also a big pirate base, supposedly. It's any island that's kind of not really regulated, you know, early colonies. There's no infrastructure. But they're also, there's a good trading route. There's a good route to trap ships.

that are trading. So, so the first pirate that everyone knows about is a guy called Henry Morgan. Yeah. Captain Morgan of the run. Right. He is a pretty interesting story. So he's a, he's a privateer, and then he fucks up a Spanish. And he does quite a lot of war crimes against Spanish.

Like he, there's a, he sacks Panama and kills thousands of people. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is in 1668, I think. Yeah. And he uses nuns as human shields. Right. So he's a classy guy. get that nun

put her in front of me shoot the nun and I'll shoot from behind the nun you know it's like Red Dead you know in Red Dead you know there's that nunnery where you can just like said it I used to I spend quite a lot of times

chucking petrol petrol bombs at nuns Redemption you ever done that no that's a good way to kill a Saturday chucking firebobbing nuns yeah so he sacks Panama and he also sacks Maracaibo, which is in modern-day Venezuela.

Panama City's the big one. Yeah. Yeah. So he fucks up Panama City, even though England and Spain at this point, this is 1670-od, have signed a treaty. But he didn't know about that, did it? Well, that's his defence. Right.

He doesn't know about it. And so, because he's got this letter of Mark, he's a privateer. So the English crown have said, you can fuck up Spanish trade ships and we'll take 10% of the loot. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, great. I'll fuck up the Spain, Spanish. And then a Panama, he fucks him up, even though England, that letter of Mark's now invalid. And so he's then, he's a pirate. But because he claims that he didn't know and because he gives the king so much treasure,

the king's like, ah, you're right, mate, actually. Yeah. And this is Charles II of England who's a bit of a fruity guy. And he knights him. And then he becomes the governor of Jamaica. Right, fair enough. So he kind of goes full circle. Yeah.

There's sort of like a Schwarzenegger sort of route where it's like. Yeah. You become like a star and then... And then you become... Yeah, sure. He becomes tasked with stopping piracy in Jamaica. So that's one route. That's like a robber who did one last job.

They've gone out at the right time. They went mainstream. And now he's... Yeah, but that's like getting... That's like getting shipment in to stop medical deaths, right? Yes. Isn't it? I guess it's getting shipment in to get waiting lists down.

Right. Which he did do. Okay. Back in the day, could you just pretend you didn't know anything? everything or ever. Like, as in, because no... Well, like you today. Like you now.

Yeah, but I have technology. Yes. Yeah. Isn't that quite... Isn't that quite a good... Well, Charlie's not pretending. I believe. I really believe you.

Isn't that quite a good way of, uh, just never being responsible for anything? I didn't know. How the fuck would I know? I live on, I live in the little shed. What I mean, you're right? You raped 500 nuns. I was, I was supposed to... What, Ray?

What? I can't... What does this letter say? Is this letter to say that I can't rape nuns? I don't know that. I can't read, can I? No one can read. You give me this letter saying, what does it say?

What do you think? He says attack Spanish. Oh, I thought he said raped nuns. Oh, sorry. All right. Well, how the fuck would I know? I can't read. Yeah, I guess because there's no internet.

Yeah. You can sort of pretend not to hear things. That's in the Caribbean. Right. That's one journey. Then what happens in the, 1690s is The 90s now

The night We're in the 90s Friends is on the TV Have I got news For you is really starting To enter it's late Skateboard cultures sort of booming

NTV Nirvana's in the charts Fuck you man Rage against the machine Killing in the name of So a guy called Henry Avery Who's the most

One of the most successful pirates He commits The Great Heist Yes The biggest pirate Heist ever And this is

of the Mughal Hall Now the Mughals Do you want to tell me who the Mughals are? The Mughals are This is like northern India

And they're Over the last 200 years They've had like a sort of golden age They're not the clangers Charlie Charlie should brought the clangers up That's not them Why we type the clangers in? I just they just sprung to mind

But it just kind of remind me Are you listening to what we're saying? Yeah Okay Mugals It sounded like a little little pink pig that live on the moon It's right

The Mugals The Mugals are not a pink pig That lives on the moon Did it sound like that so the Mughals they built the Taj Mahal and basically they were The Klangers do not build the Taj Mahal Boop

Boop Boop No sorry We don't know We don't know There's so much We don't know about this period Did the clangers build the Taj Mahal

History is How the fuck have I went today? History's written by the victors It's written by us apparently Td Bank knows that running a small business is a journey from startup to growing and managing your business. That's why they have a dedicated small business advice hub on their website to provide tips and insights on business banking to entrepreneurs.

No matter the stage of business you're in, visit td.com slash small business advice to find out more or to match with a TD small business banking account manager. Anyway, the Mughals are the richest, probably the richest empire in the world. Yes. They've had a golden age. Basically, the Dutch East India Company, or the British East India Company, do eventually take over the Mughals. And that's that big transition of power from the Mughals to the British.

In India. But at this point, England is still seen as a very small country comparatively. Yeah. And they're very underestimated. And there's just kind of like the, this. this shift is just about to start. Yeah, so the Mughals are like the modern-day Saudis. They're the wealthiest people in the world.

They've got these treasure fleets, these ships, these flotillas that are filled with princesses doing the pilgrimage to Hajj. Right. They're a Muslim empire. And so they're going from the east of India, Surat, to Mecca via like Yedda in the Red Sea. That's how they're getting there.

And this guy, Henry Avery, He knows that the Mughal treasure ships are. That's where all the big money is. Booty. Henry Avery is a British man who, the Brits accuse him with piracy. He's like, I would never, never fuck up a British ship. I'm English to my, I'll fuck up the French and the Spanish. Of course.

Yeah. But I've never done anything about English. So what happens is the, he starts chasing. He gets wind that there's a big Mughal fleet. And he starts chasing them. And he sets up near Jeddah. So, yeah, so it's around the Gulf of Aden. Yeah.

So this is still pirate central for around here. Now I don't actually. Yeah. And this is where the Houthis are, I guess they're not pirates, but they're using pirate tactics, right? Hootie rebels. Well, I guess they are pirates because they're disrupting trade routes, right?

Yes. Yeah. But just with more political motivations. But this is all around the Houthi area, basically. So this is where, in this kind of the strait, this is where the raid happens. So there is a treasure fleet that's, headed up by this huge ship called the Ganges Sawar.

Right. And at this point, this is the biggest ship in the world. It's got like 80 cannons, which is a lot. It's got 400 riflemen. Yeah. It's heavily armed.

Yeah. And on it are loads of jewels, sapphires, diamonds. I don't really know why they're taking all this stuff to haj. Yeah. But I guess at this age, in this time period, people are very kind of thick, and they just want to have their jewelry on them at all times. Yes.

So it's heavily armed and Avery is chasing it up the Straits of Aden. Yeah. And this is in 1695, I think. Now, the first thing he does is he sees the ship at the back of the flotilla called the Fati Muhammad. Fati Muhammad. Fati! Fati Muhammad! Well, that sounds like a BNP. Yeah, yeah, it's a BNP character.

Fatah! Fatah Muhammad. Lots of Fatah Muhammad over there. A big Fatahmahad. Yeah, it's a big Asian bloke at the end of the flotilla. So he takes the Fatim Mohammed And he gets a lot of jewels from that But then he goes for the Gangeshawar And what he does is he does a

He fires a broadside Which is where you fire all your cannons at once And it takes out the mast of the Gangeshawar And then the Gangeshawar fire a cannon But it explodes much like those Taliban fighters Where they fire rocket launcher backwards And it kills like half the crew Well not half the crew

But a lot to the crew They then panic and then the pirates of Avery they board They surrender almost immediately That's what I mean is they board But the kind of thing is I think that before they board They're like

Oh fuck it oh no sorry sorry Which is kind of crazy Because I guess it feels like this ship is so ceremonial And laden with jewels and valuable stuff It's just I don't know It just doesn't feel like a military ship almost No but they surrender immediately They're going to hatch

So it's like a purely friendly It's a religious thing right But they give a downstairs they go below decks and they find that it's not just jewels there's loads of women a lot of women princesses and sex slaves yeah um the two the two types floating hurry the two types of women princesses are sex slaves you marry a princess you have fun with a sex slave right um she's not the girl you marry uh she's a sex slave um and they obviously well of the part of the pirate code which we'll deal with next episode is uh no women or boys and

loud on the ship right because it's like it's no nut no nut ship's no nut November basically keep your focus

so they and this is this is where the what we're saying at the beginning they basically did then start

a five day rape festival um Charlie just looked to be like oh festival oh nice oh who's playing

you're going to boomtown this year oh it's on the main stage it's every every stage is a rape Charlie it's a it's a heanous crime of mass rape and they

a lot of the women afterwards they kill themselves or they're so traumatised that they like there's a few survivors they throw themselves into the sea go on Charlie is it not like a weird

like on day four in the morning as one of the rapists so you're not having a kind of a bit of a is there no like come down you power through or you permanently on like some mad but think about a festival when you have a come down

if it's Saturday If everyone else is still carrying on the party around you You go well I'm the problem Yeah Yeah five days of it though Yeah

I guess I try not to empathise with them They must be tired I'm trying not to be like Yeah God that must be exhausting for them Those poor rapists God Five days Were they doing it in shifts

How are they getting any kit But this is the This is the side of piracy that just isn't talked about, really, is it? What, how hard it was to be a rapist? Fuck, say. Oh. Yeah. No, no, it was hard.

It was, it wasn't all Long Jong, silver and shiny treasure. You had five days of constant rape to do. A lot of these are the most important women and young women in the Mughal Empire, right? So one of them is the granddaughter of the Mughal Emperor. who is called Arangzeb. He then, this is the biggest ever haul because the jewels and stuff. And bear in mind, we say when pirates,

they raid ships, they're mainly getting flour, spices, all kinds of shit that's not gold. This is one of the few halls that's actually gold. It's estimated at the time to be worth about half a million pounds, which in today's money is anywhere from 300 million to 50,

300 million to a billion pounds in today's money. So like it's it's like the biggest heist ever, heist of the century. Yeah, it still is. So Avery then takes all his rotten boys, his band of rapists who bless them are absolutely nascard. Yeah.

He takes them for some well-earned R&R on Madagascar. Do you know what, boys? That was actually pretty tough. I think we all had a spa break Let's get a hot tub And let's just unwind So he goes Madagascar And then the pirate starts to disperse

But obviously the Mughal's here about this And very angry They've like de-what's the word de-defiled But also that England wants to be on good time with the Mugel Because they're great training part So the East India Company are like At this point they're not

exploiting and fucking them up they're just trying to be their trade partners and the Mughals have all the cards so the East India Company are fucking bricking it because they're like this was not us

this was not a British ship and the Mughal's guys like no they were they were all going ooh arro they hoisted a St. George's flag before they flew the flag it was because it was VE Day

so they flew the they flew the flag what begins now is the world's first ever manhunt the first ever recorded global manhunt where the East India Company

start a search far and wide for... Avery. Henry Avery. And they put a bounty on his head for a thousand pounds, which in today's money is maybe, I don't know.

100 grand? Right, right, right. And that's a huge amount of money at that time. You know, they slowly start to find his encompasses because all, obviously, the crew all split up because, you know, they're all absolutely shattered. So they all go embarrassed. You know, some of them, bless them,

some of them never recover. Right, yeah. Some of them are so tired that they never, yeah. So some of them start therapy. Some of them start therapy. Many of them start podcasts. Hello, my awakening wonders. Yeah.

And that's like, that's where Russell Brown's from this ship. Stay, stay free. Is that what he says? Yeah. Well, it opens it by saying, hello, my awakening wonders. Well, that is kind of Russell Brown's defense, isn't it? It's going, I was a hedonist. I was a hedonist.

a rapist but I'm not anymore I'm now Christian So now they Yeah so to be fair to them A lot of them Now have a crucifix around their neck And wear a towel on their head They're baptised in the Thames

By Bear Grills All is forgiven Was it Bear Grills who baptised him in the Thames? Mental Yeah absolutely mental So to be fair all is forgiven Because he seems like a pretty good guy He's got across and oh fair enough

Fair enough I don't know why we're judging you No You're a Christian man Pretty sound guy now You remember the WI Weirdly You know he's selling amulets

for like 400 quid to stop your you're getting damaging from airport Wi-Fi so you wear them that airport's to stop It's literally like the Catholic Church selling indulgences Yeah yeah

It's Russell Brown selling ambulance To stop airport Wi-Fi How many New eras do you think He's got in him Because what he did He did communist, Buddhist sort of vibe Well hang on

Now he's doing like Christian fascists Yes So like what's like does he have any more Locked and loaded Yeah he's got jail He's got his prison era Prison era, I say, is quite, it's nearly upon us. Yeah, he's got taste of his own medicine.

He's got a big taste of his own medicine. He's got being bummed by, by prisoners. Yeah. If he goes to jail in the States, which he could do, he's, like, I'd like him to go to that Miami jail that Lutheroo went to. Yeah. Yeah. So he'll be trans brand at some point.

He'll be like a prison wife for someone. Okay. I know, my dear, because he's, prison bitch. Prison bitch brand, yeah, because he'll be so, he's so eloquent and articulate. Yeah. he's not articulate he just knows he's like a thesaurus with AIDS it doesn't actually make any sense

he just knows lots of long words so it'll just spit them out and then obviously some bloke who's just caved his wife's head in him like who do fuck are you I'm just gonna fuck you're the prettiest you're the prettiest boy in here yeah you're obviously pretty yeah I mean he's a very pretty boy for Miami prison so

what goes around comes around anyway so Avery his encompasses are started to be found by the East India company but they still don't they never find him He completely escapes. He drops the shoulder. He drops the shoulder.

And he's gone. Fanish. There's lots of rumours about what happened to him. Some say that he went to the Caribbean and then went back to England did the old double bluff going, I'm going back to Blighty.

See you. And they never got that. It must be hard to find some people though. Well, like Charlie said, you can just say, oh no, I didn't see him. I don't have a fucking clue, mate. I'm what I know. I'm what I know.

Do you know what year it is? It's 1698. You know the fuck what I know. What does he look like? No idea. It's like he just held a rape festival. You know, Fire Festival? It's worse than that.

You think that was bad? This guy held a five-day festival of rape. Catering was a nightmare. Yeah, he turned up, and there's just plastic forks. This is meant to be an influencer retreat. What was that guy called? Billy. What's the Fire Festival?

Oh, Billy. Bragg? No, no, not Billy Bragg, you thick. Fucking. Billy, the Fire Festival guy. Farland. Billy McFarlane, yeah. So he's that?

That's Henry, yeah. So everyone wants him. And there was that thing about the guy who sucked someone off for a bottle of heavy hand? No, he was prepared to suck someone off.

Oh, that was it? And he was very much. He was going there and thinking that he was going to. Did you find that, find that man, it became a meme, didn't it? The guy who... It wasn't for a bottle,

he was for the whole festival, was it? It was just... Oh, okay, well, fair enough. Yeah. It's not just for him. That's selfish, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is amazing because he looks like

Andy King, the Fire Festival. blowjob guy he's now a poster boy for Evian Is he like got a brand deal Yeah

he's got a brand deal with Evian because no one has liked Evian more than this guy You know So what's the What's the marketing

campaign Evian You don't need to Suck someone off For this Yeah But you would If you know

Water's so good Yeah Well You'll suck your Who was he gonna suck off for it? I don't know The water baron of

The island Or was he just like Oh anyone Want to be sucked off You can have the water No I'll suck you off If you want what is it

that's the marketing ploy it's like everyone's so good you'd do anything for it right right right and it's a paid partnership with Christ

and when things like this happen I'm like why the fuck aren't we getting brand deals what would the brand deal be I don't know

why does no why does no one to sponsor I feel the golden history of rape yeah yeah what come on brands

come on hop on board so there's a rumor that Avery is back in Bristol and dies destitute

because he can't spend all his money because obviously he's the most wanted man in the world he's got all this money but he can't spend it he tries to fence it with some bristolians but they just take the money and then just like well they take the diamonds or whatever he's got and they give him like barely enough money to live on and then when he asks for the actual amount of money he's owed they go and ah fuck off and he just dies he just starts to death in death do we know that that's that's no that was written in a book is this like hitler theories about where hitler ends up no these are more these are less

concrete. Right, right, right. Hitler, obviously, as we've discussed, went to Brazil. With his beautiful wife, Kettinger. That's on a patron episode, if you want to know that story. That's probably one of my favorite patron episodes. It's absolutely insane. No one knows how I'm to Avery, but a guy writes a book in the mid-18th century

about pirates, and that's what he says happens. But, okay, but also there's a billion quid now floating around the economy. Yeah. I just, where is that going? Well, they're spending it in... A billion pounds. They're spending on, how many, how much? But they can't spend it.

They can't spend it in Port Royal because in 1692, Port Royal is completely destroyed by an earthquake. Really? And everyone says that it's, um, everyone says it's karma. It's like Las Vegas now just blowing up. Yeah. Just potentially combusting. Yeah. And then it moves to Nassau.

Nassau in the Bahamas becomes another pirate stronghold. The Ganji Suwal, uh, the East India Company just about get relations back, uh, on a footing with the Mughals. But in 1698, William Kidd, another pirate, not Billy the Kid. He also takes a Mughal ship. Fucking out. But the East India Company will not let this stand. Right.

And what happens to William Kidd, it's very different to what happened to Henry Morgan. What happens to William Kidd will usher in a new age of piracy into the 18th century, which is the true golden age of piracy. This is where we'll meet characters like Blackbeard and Black Bart. And also some women pirates. Apparently, I didn't bother to research that bit. Red bottom. Red bottom.

Who's Red Bottom? One of the one of the girl pirates probably. Probably. Probably. Probably called Red ass, I reckon. Red Bottom. Red Bottom.

Probably. Right. The next episode of where we get to Blackbeard and Red Bottom is already on our patron. We have three pounds a month you can become a truther and you get access to all the episodes at once. As well as several exclusives like our recently released, Zulu special.

Yes. Our feature-length concert film. A concert film of the glorious... Like Barry at Glastonbury. The heroics of the Brits. fighting off a Zulu war crime A defensive war

A rourke's drift That's on the page Along with our Rise of the Nazi series And loads of other fun bits Either way, thank you so much for joining us And we'll see you next time For another episode

On The Golden Age Who are! Who are! Thank you.