Financial Feminist - 25. How to Stop Emotional Spending

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello. Hello, financial feminists. So good to see you yet again. I hope you are enjoying all of the new episodes of this season. I was scrolling back a couple days ago and I was like, gosh, we've got some big hitters. We got some great, great, I mean, obviously I'm biased, but like we got some good shit and it makes me really excited. And it's been really thrilling to see you all respond positively to the episodes and to also, yeah, be able to be able to use the learnings in your own life. It makes me very happy. I have a fun personal story because currently the world is burning. And so we could use a bit of just ridiculous things that don't matter. And I'm as much telling this to Kristen,

Starting point is 00:00:58 my podcast producer, as I am to you all. So today, as you all know, I am still in New York. wall. So today, as you all know, I am still in New York. I have about a week left, actually exactly a week left of my stay in Brooklyn. And I was meeting one of my favorite photographers for a photo shoot today. So I got on the subway and the subway was packed this morning. I was getting on the C train going in to technically going into the city, but we were stopping in Dembo to do the photo shoot and trains packed. And this nice guy next to me who is probably around my age looks at me. I have my headphones in, so I don't fully hear what he says, but he does the motion of like, do you want my seat? Which is so kind. He's like, do you want my seat? And I'm like, no, I'm like, don't worry. I'm good. So I stand there for a stop, a bunch of people get off. So then a seat opens up on the other side of the subway. I cross the other side.

Starting point is 00:01:47 I sit down. I look up and I see the guy who offered me a seat. This man is gorgeous. This man is beautiful. He has like bright green eyes and just gorgeous skin and wearing like a suit. Now we're all wearing masks, right? And if anybody who has been single during all or part of the pandemic knows masks, it's very hard. You can't see the person's face. You don't know what they're looking like. It's just very difficult, right? But I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, holy shit, this guy is beautiful.

Starting point is 00:02:25 We make eye contact. My brain does the thing, as all brains do, where it goes, don't, don't, don't. Don't look at him. Look away. And I force myself to not look away. We're doing, for like six subway stops, the cat and mouse thing of look at each other, look away, look at each other, look away. And at one point, he gives me the look that we've all gotten, hopefully, at least once in our life, which is like, yeah, you're hot. Clearly, you think I'm hot because you haven't stopped looking at me. So this is happening on the subway. I'm already sweaty because it's about to thunderstorm. And my adrenaline's going and I'm like, what is this? Is this the meet cute that everybody has talked about? Is this what's about to happen?

Starting point is 00:03:06 So it is a stop away from my stop. I make a deal with myself that if the subway opens on the side he is on, I am going to hand him my phone with the new contact app open so he can type in his number. I'm going to do it. I've made a deal to myself. We're getting closer. We're getting closer. I stand up. I put my jacket back on. We're approaching my stop. I discover, of course, that the subway opens on my side and not his. side and not his. He sees that I'm going to get up. He sees that I am going to leave the subway. And we do the thing where we look at each other and he goes and tries to hand me his phone. And I hand him my phone instead because it's already ready. He tries to hand me his phone back to him. I'm like, no, we only need one number. Like one of us just need, you either

Starting point is 00:04:04 need to give me your number. I need to give you mine very quickly because again, the doors have opened. It's my stop. He is like frantically typing in his number. I'm like, oh my God. Very quickly, right before the doors close, he hands me back his phone. I smirk at him. I leave the train. What? What? And then I spend the entire time the adrenaline like my heart is going like I am I am heightened because I have just had to like gird my loins to do this right best feeling in the world I get off the train I am giggling people in front of me who are walking in front of me are turning back to look at me like who is this crazy fucking woman who's just laughing to herself? It's me because I asked a man out kind of sort of. To be continued, I doubt it's a love match, y'all. However, you've heard me talk about it on TikTok before.

Starting point is 00:04:55 If you are a female identifying, woman identifying person, regardless of your preference of gender, Regardless of your preference of gender, please ask people out. And especially if you are into men, ask men out. It is my favorite fucking thing. It's so fun. And it's also just you never feel more confident, even if they tell you no, even if they're like, I have a girlfriend. It is just the experience of putting yourself out there and doing something scary. And you win when you put yourself out there. You don't win if they say yes. But I had the cutest little meet cute on the New York subway today. And I just had to tell

Starting point is 00:05:36 you all about it. Made me very, very happy. Not related to today's topic at all. But that, Kristen, that was for you and for the rest of the pod squad. All right. Let's transition, team, into the content of the episode. First thing, if you haven't listened to our back catalog of episodes, if you are new to Financial Feminist, if you just joined us when we've started releasing these new episodes recently, you might not have a feel for how these mini episodes go yet. These mini episodes with me are not only packed with me talking about my dating escapades, but also are packed with actionable guidance. They're perfect to give your financial life the little kick in the ass that it

Starting point is 00:06:19 needs. So there are several amazing episodes from season one. Our most popular and probably the place to start other than episode one is episode five, the financial game plan episode. It's also called Where Do I Start? So if you haven't listened to that episode and you're like listening to the rest of the episodes, please go back to that one. If you have listened to that episode maybe like a year ago and you need a refresher, if you're wondering, should I be paying off debt first? Should I be saving an emergency fund? Should I be paying off student loans or credit cards? When should I be

Starting point is 00:06:48 investing? All of those answers are in episode five. Probably 85% of the questions we get are answered in episode five. So please go listen to that one. If you're loving the show, make sure you're subscribed and have left us a review. We get to do amazing things like bring you six episodes a month because of your response to the show. And so continuing to do these episodes is reliant on y'all's support. So share with your friends and family, tag Her First 100K and Financial Feminist Podcast on Instagram. And if you're not sure what to say in your review, maybe tell us the weirdest way you've made money. And if it's not safe for work, maybe call yourself an accountant or something a la that so that Apple doesn't flag it. Okay, today's episode is about a topic we get emails on pretty much weekly at this point, emotional spending. Let's define emotional

Starting point is 00:07:37 spending first. What do we consider to be emotional spending? It should be pretty obvious, but emotional spending is any kind of spending money that is spurred by an emotional spending. It should be pretty obvious, but emotional spending is any kind of spending money that is spurred by an emotional state. This can be quote-unquote positive or quote-unquote negative. Typically, it's like sadness or anxiety or stress. It's a form of a coping mechanism, and usually it results in buying things that you don't really need. And speaking of emotional spending, before we dive into today's episode, you've asked for it time and time again. So we built what is probably the most requested resource for the First 100K community, introducing Debt Defeater, exactly how to understand,

Starting point is 00:08:17 make a plan, and pay off your debt once and for all without shame or judgment. This is one of our most affordable courses, which was important to us because we know that if you're looking for this information, the last thing you want to do is spend a ton of money on a course. When I tell you that this resource is packed, I mean it. We're covering topics like how to smash your debt in five steps, how to negotiate your interest rates, why credit cards are important and how to use them responsibly. We're talking student loan refinancing and more. We've also built a brand new bundle that includes Debt Defeater and our bestselling course, Back to Basics, because we know that getting out of debt is only one step in your financial journey. Head to herfirsthundredk.com slash debtdefeatercourse to grab the

Starting point is 00:08:59 course or the Back to Basics bundle. That's herfirsthundredk.com slash debtdefeatercourse. We'll also link it in the show notes. And as a special offer to financial feminist listeners, take 10% off Debt Defeater with code FFDEBT. That's F-F-D-E-B-T. Okay, back to the show. Okay, so is emotional spending bad? No, it's not. If you need that tub of Ben and Jerry's after a hard week or a morning latte when you're not feeling great and just trying to get some energy in the morning, the last thing I'm going to tell you to do is deprive yourself. I am never going to tell you to not buy something.

Starting point is 00:09:36 We know that the reason you're not rich is not the avocado toast or the lattes. It's the systemic oppression. Deprivation is never the answer. 99% of diets fail because the more you tell me I can't have fried chicken, the more I want fried chicken. It's not willpower. Go back to Victoria Garrick's amazing episode on diet culture. Diet culture thrives on deprivation. And when we view our spending in terms of diet culture, it's very similar, right? Deprivation, stop spending money on everything. I don't need you to stop spending money. I just need you to stop spending money on shit that you don't care about. I'm going to say that for you one more time. I don't need you to stop spending money. I don't want you to stop spending money. Money is meant to be enjoyed.

Starting point is 00:10:18 I just need you to stop spending money on shit that you don't care about or shit that isn't mindful. Because when it comes down to it, our money is there to bring us joy. Because if emotional spending is a thing, right, and we have all of these quote unquote negative emotions like stress or anxiety, we also can have all of these positive emotions like joy and ease and hope. And our spending can give us all of those things. You worked super, super hard for your money. You work very, very hard for your money. I would really love for your spending to reflect that. I would love for you to take the dollars that you worked hard for and have them be spent on things that you absolutely love. Wouldn't that be a great feeling to take the money that you

Starting point is 00:11:05 work day in and day out for and actually see the return on that money? The like joy return on investment? I'm never going to tell you that you're not rich because you spend money on something you like. Not only does that math not work, but statements like this are shaming, judgmental, and they don't acknowledge systemic oppression. I want you to spend money because that's what it's there for. But really, again, I want you to spend money on things that you actually like and things that bring you joy. I am not the financial expert who's going to come and take away your coffee because that's just bullshit. If coffee is what you love to spend your money on, amazing, great. The world's so goddamn hard already. great. The world's so goddamn hard already. Spend $7 on a coffee. Great. Great. I'm here to advocate for you so you can feel confident in saving and spending money on the things that you love. Money

Starting point is 00:11:53 should bring you joy. It is meant to be saved. It's meant to be invested. It's meant to be used as a tool to help you build the life that you want. The whole point of this episode is to help you take control of your money and love The whole point of this episode is to help you take control of your money and love your purchases again while still being able to save for the future. Emotional spending becomes a problem when it's one, consistent. It's happening a lot. It's happening very frequently. It's not just a one-off purchase to make yourself feel better. I bought a $75 pregnancy pillow at the beginning of the pandemic. I am not pregnant nor planning on becoming pregnant.

Starting point is 00:12:28 I just needed to feel something. But if I was buying the equivalent of the $75 pregnancy pillow every other week, or maybe every week, or maybe every day, probably a problem because it's consistent. The other way it can become a problem is if your emotional spending results in some sort of financial distress or mismanagement, is if you are significantly sacrificing your financial goals because you're emotionally spending. Or if you look at your bank account every month and you're like, where the hell did my money go? Or you look at your credit card statement and you're like, I don't even fucking remember making that purchase. What did I buy? You're spending

Starting point is 00:13:04 money either consistently or on things that are resulting in some sort of financial distress. So we're going to walk through an exercise in this episode that will help you curb your emotional spending. It will help you make decisions that align with your values and budget. And fun fact, it is directly from the pages of my upcoming book, Financial Feminist. it is directly from the pages of my upcoming book, Financial Feminist. So to combat these emotional spending tendencies that we all have, I made it a practice to ask a few questions of myself if I'm about to spend money or have my clients ask themselves before making any sort of spending decision. If you are in your car, if you are somewhere where you can't take notes, maybe either just reflect on these questions or write them down. We also have had people literally make

Starting point is 00:13:51 these like their phone background. I know one person actually took these questions, printed them out and put them on the back of their credit card, which was like next level. But like, if that's you, go for it. Question number one, what is my current headspace or emotional state? So we've talked about how big of an impact our emotions and headspace have on our money, but this becomes even more obvious when we're asking ourselves, what kind of emotional state are we in when we're making this purchase? Just encouraging ourselves to be mindful. And it's not just desperation or anxiety or stress that causes you to overspend. I've also overspent when I've been feeling really good, right?

Starting point is 00:14:35 It's also when I've been out on a Friday night and I'm loving my life and my beautiful friends and I've had maybe one too many drinks. And in this heightened emotional state where, by the way, again, I'm feeling very, very good. I've moved on to the $20 cocktails and I've ordered some chicken tenders that I'm not hungry for. And also I bought the entire group multiple rounds without even thinking. So in this way, spending can become a vice. It's really, really easy to try altering our mood with our purchases. We all know that there's certain things that can bring us a lot of joy, but there's also a lot of things that we can buy

Starting point is 00:15:09 that only feel good in that moment and then really don't bring us anything. So in this question about what is my current headspace or emotional state, we're going to dig a little deeper. We're also going to ask ourselves, am I buying this thing to fill some sort of void in my life, even if that's just minor? Will this purchase give me more than just a brief reprieve from that thing? Am I emotionally heightened and therefore more tempted to be careless? It's good to ask yourself this question to at least be aware. Again, we're trying to be mindful. We're not looking to judge ourselves. This shit happens to everybody. I'm a motherfucking financial expert. This shit still happens to me. I need you to not delude yourself though into thinking it's not happening to you. It is okay if this purchase you're making

Starting point is 00:15:59 is to emotionally cope with life because sometimes life is fucking hard. But if you're constantly, again, making purchases to emotionally cope, that is an issue and it's not just for your bank account. So if, for example, every time your boss is mean, so you buy something, you're not fixing the fundamental issue, which is your bad work environment, right? Or leaving your bad work environment. The emotional spend is a temporary solution that doesn't ultimately work to make your life actually better. And I don't want you relying on this band-aid solution that would distract you from a longer-term fix of getting real with yourself and asking, again, will this actually help me cope and with what issue? Let's move on to question number two. How many taco dollars does

Starting point is 00:16:41 it cost? You probably heard me say that and you're like, I'm confused. So this blog post came out a few years ago and it changed the game for me when I read it. It was from the blog Science Finance and the author loved tacos, like more than anything. And when she would go to buy something that wasn't tacos, she would think to herself, okay, but how many tacos is this thing worth? How much is this thing in taco dollars? So for example, this jacket is $50. A taco costs $5. So this is 10 taco dollars. I could either buy this jacket or I could get 10 tacos. You need to decide what your taco dollars are.

Starting point is 00:17:15 My personal taco dollars are travel dollars. I love to travel. So when I think of my purchases in terms of like, where could this get me in the world? It helps reframe it. If it's $100 jacket, I go, okay, this could this get me in the world? It helps reframe it. If it's a hundred dollars jacket, I go, okay, this could get me from Seattle to LA, or this could get me one night in an Italian Airbnb somewhere. You're going to discover through doing this that sometimes the purchase is worth it. And sometimes it's just not. So whether that's taco dollars or airplane

Starting point is 00:17:39 dollars or skincare dollars or plant dollars, that's probably my secondary currency is plant dollars. You're viewing your purchases through the lens of what's really important to you and not to someone else. My lovely friend Paula Pant, who's another financial expert, says you can afford almost anything, you just can't afford everything. You get to prioritize where your money goes because you can't just go out and purchase everything you want in this world. So you're reframing your purchases through the lens of the thing you actually want. That simple reframe of taking your favorite thing and then juxtaposing it with the thing that you're about to buy is going to allow you to discover just how much worth that thing has and whether buying that thing is worth giving up something that you know

Starting point is 00:18:22 that you'll truly value. Our third and final question. Number three, am I accurately evaluating the worth of this purchase? When I say something's worth, I mean it on a couple different levels. These are like questions within questions. First, is this thing actually worth the price tag? Is it actually worth what they're asking me to pay? Is the quality of this item worth the price tag? The second thing is like, am I going to glean a lot of value from this thing? Is it something that is actually valuable to me? And the third and most important for someone who loves a good sale like I do is, is it actually worth the money or am I buying this thing just because it's on sale? We have all been here, right? We see it's on sale and suddenly we convince ourselves to buy it

Starting point is 00:19:11 because, oh, it's on sale. I'm so guilty of doing this. I'm more likely to buy it because I feel like it's a steal, right? I'm like, oh, I got a bargain today. But if the original price of something was $100 and now it's 70% off, you're still spending $30. Right? And if it's something you were planning on buying before, amazing. Cool. You did just get a deal. But if you're buying something that's on sale just because it was on sale, well, we still lost money.

Starting point is 00:19:37 We still spent $30 that we weren't planning on spending on something that we probably don't really like that much. I also like considering the most important thing for me, which is like the cost of use of an item. So the cost of use is exactly what it sounds like. How many times you're going to use this and what is the cost per every time you use it? So if we divide the cost of an item by the number of times you anticipate using it, you can get a pretty good idea on whether or not the purchase is a good buy. So for instance, if you have fallen in love with smoothies, me like every day for the last five years, I don't think I've gone through a goddamn day and not drank some sort of smoothie. And maybe you want to make them at home to save money as opposed to going to, I don't know, your local smoothie mart and buying a $12 smoothie.

Starting point is 00:20:28 You can divide a $60 Nutribullet by 261, which is the number of working days in the year. So you're like, oh, this blender is expensive. But maybe you're going to use it every weekday, maybe even every day. And maybe you're also going to use it occasionally to make soup. That's a fun thing about the Nutribullet is sometimes you can make soup with it. This isn't sponsored. I just have a Nutribullet and I love it. So if we take the $60 Nutribullet and divide it by the number of working days in the year, our cost per use is 23 cents. I'm good spending 23 cents every time I use this thing.

Starting point is 00:21:02 Me personally, I've gotten much more intentional about the clothing I purchase now because I'm in the privileged place where I can afford clothing that's a little more expensive, right? I'm not shopping as much at H&M anymore, both because they're kind of environmentally disgusting, but also because like I can figure out, oh, you know, this pair of shoes at H&M is going to fall apart pretty quick, as opposed to these pair of shoes that I might spend more money on, but they will last me longer. They end up being significant investments for me. So if I'm buying a coat that costs me $500, but I know I'm going to wear it constantly and it's good quality and this will last me

Starting point is 00:21:42 for years, that's a good purchase for me because the cost of use is very low. My first ever designer purchase was last year. I was in Paris and I really wanted a pair of designer sunglasses. And I thought to myself, actually, let me even go back. I wanted something. I knew I really wanted to make my first designer purchase. And I was trying to figure out what that would be. Something that would always fit me. Something that was timeless that I could wear over and over again. Potentially pass on to somebody else maybe after 40 years. And I thought to myself, well, it probably needs to be an accessory. And I purchased a pair of sunglasses. I purchased a pair of Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses. And I love them and I wear them all the time. So that felt like a really good purchase

Starting point is 00:22:23 to me. Both because I made a memory, right? I was in Paris with my best friend buying my first designer thing, but also because I knew I'd wear it a lot. I knew it would look good for a very long time. It would last me a long time. It wouldn't randomly fall apart the fourth time I put them on. The cost per use was low, even if the upfront first-time investment was higher. These are just half the questions I encourage people to ask when they are about to make a purchase. And it's not like you have to sit here at the register and be like, what are the six questions?

Starting point is 00:22:53 Let me go look. Let me ask myself all six, right? It's more just the thought and the exercise of being a mindful spender, of just taking a pause and evaluating something before you spend money on it. Again, I don't want you to walk away from this episode thinking, she is telling me to evaluate all my purchases and the evaluation is going to be, I can't buy it. That's not it. That's not it. Sometimes it will be it, right? Sometimes that's the takeaway. And other times, yeah, if you've thought about this purchase and it aligns with your values and it's something you really love and it aligns with your taco

Starting point is 00:23:31 dollars, right? Yeah, spend money. I want you to spend money. So we talk even more in depth about the psychological side of money. We spend a whole chapter of my book, Financial Feminist, talking about the psychology of money and about how to spend in a very mindful way that, again, not only is focused on bringing yourself joy through your money, making sure that your hard-earned money is spent thoughtfully, but also gives you room to continue saving money and investing and paying off debt. There is a balance that we find between our spending, our current spending, and our financial goals. You're going to hear me talk about this book so much in the coming months because this has been a four-year process and

Starting point is 00:24:16 I've worked so hard on it. It is being released in December. However, we start pre-orders. You can pre-order the book here very, very shortly. So if you want to be one of the first people to hear when a copy of Financial Feminist is available to you, there's a lovely link in our show notes for you to sign up. I would love for you to support this book. You'll hear a lot more about it in the coming months. We have all of the questions that we encourage you to ask in order to be a mindful spender included within the pages of Financial Feminist. As always, team, we appreciate you being here. If you loved this episode, please tag us, tell a friend, write the emotional spending questions on the back of your phone and Sharpie. I mean, maybe do that. I don't know. Do whatever. It's your phone. You can do whatever

Starting point is 00:24:59 you want. As always, tag us at Her First 100K, tag us at Financial Feminist Podcast. And if you aren't already subscribed to our YouTube, we also release clips and sometimes up to like 10 minutes of our interview episodes, the video of our interview episodes. So if you'd rather hear the words actually coming out of my face hole, you can do that on YouTube. Team, can't wait to see how your purchases start getting a little more mindful with these questions, with these reflections from this episode, I will leave you with, you don't have to stop spending money. You just need to stop spending money on shit that you don't care about. Have a great rest of your day. I'll see you next week. Thanks for being Financial Feminist,

Starting point is 00:25:38 and I'll catch you later. Thank you for listening to Financial Feminist, a Her First 100K podcast. Financial Feminist is hosted by me, Tori Dunlap. Produced by Kristen Fields. Marketing and administration by Karina Patel, Olivia Koning, Charisse Wade, Alina Helzer, Paulina Isaac, Sophia Cohen, Valerie Oresko, Jack Koning, and Ana Alexandra. Research by Arielle Johnson. Audio engineering by Austin Fields. Promotional graphics by Mary Stratton. Thank you.

Financial Feminist - 25. How to Stop Emotional Spending

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.