Financial Feminist - 3. Overcome Your Psychological Bullsh*t Around Money

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

In this week’s episode of Money Monday, I’m guiding you through a powerful money journaling prompt to help you discover where your money story began and how to shift your mindset and build new narratives. We want to hear your first money memory! Screenshot this episode, share your first money memory on Instagram stories, and tag us (@herfirst100k)! Not sure where to start with your finances? Take the free Money Personality Quiz to get tailored resources for your financial journey: https://treasury.app/herfirst100k/money-journey-quiz Official Financial Feminist Merch: herfirst100k.com/hfk-merch INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/herfirst100k/ TIKTOK: https://www.tiktok.com/@herfirst100k FACEBOOK GROUP: https://www.facebook.com/groups/362601367623070/ Pre-Order “Financial Feminist: Overcome the Patriarchy’s Bullsh*t to Master Your Money and Build a Life You Love”: https://bit.ly/3PpHvlC Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So the thing about growing up financially educated is I realized just how impactful my parents were on my financial education. educated is I realized just how impactful my parents were on my financial education. So I had parents who were committed to teaching me how to save money, how to avoid debt, how to negotiate my salary. And of course I realized very quickly that that wasn't the case for most people. And it's what led me to start her first hundred K. And when I started researching the link between how our parents managed money, how we viewed money growing up, our childhood bullshit around money, is I realized they're pretty much inextricably linked. So the majority of money habits are actually cemented by age seven. And I don't think a lot of people realize

that. The majority of our money habits are cemented by second grade, meaning the way we manage money as an adult, the way we manage money as an adult, the way we view money in our society, the relationship we have to money has largely been formed and established since we were kids. So a lot of the bullshit people feel around money, we blame ourselves, right? We think to ourselves, okay, the reason I'm not good with money is I just can't save, I spend all my money money or, you know, I don't know why I have this negative relationship and I see money as evil or as scarce. And chances are it's linked to the sorts of behaviors you saw your parents use when managing their own money. It's a lot of how

your parents, your family discussed money. Was there not enough money? Was money being spent too quickly? Were you like me, where you had parents who were committed to smart financial habits, to being frugal, to educating your kids about money? I think so much of our shame and our judgment that we feel around money is unfortunately not also considered with the fact that we have all this bullshit from our parents. We have all of this bullshit from our family. So one of the practices that I like to do with clients is journal through that first money memory. And if you're on a run, if you are in your car, I would encourage you to either contemplate these questions

or save this episode for when you can sit down and actually journal. So this is an exercise that I do with clients. This is an exercise that I do in workshops. And it literally will change the way you view your money. It allows you to give yourself a pass, let yourself off the hook for all of this money bullshit that you've been carrying,

and will really allow you to explore why do you feel a certain way about money as an adult, and how can you start to better your relationship with money? So let's go ahead and dive in. Here's our first question that we're going to consider. What is your first money memory? What is the first time that you can remember thinking about money, considering saving money? What is the first time that you consciously remember thinking about money? And I can actually tell you my first money memory. So I'm a theater nerd. If you probably know that about me, I am a theater major. I grew up doing theater. So when I was four or five, I really wanted to go see Annie the musical. Three bucks, two bags, one me, all that shit. And I was so excited to go. And my parents told me, well, okay, if you want to go see

Annie, I need you to save your money. Like I need you to start saving your money. If it's something that you want and it's not Christmas or your birthday, you need to save money in order to get it. So I had an Altoids tin where I would put pennies and quarters, you know, cause I was four. I would put the money that I had saved or the money I had found in my Altoids tin. And it was about time to get ready to go to Annie.

I'd probably been saving for, you know, maybe a month or two at that point. Now granted a ticket to Annie was like 20 bucks. I maybe had like $3. Like I did not have enough more to ticket. But for me, I was like, okay, you know, I have, we're going to Annie. I'm so excited.

I was so, I know, I lost sleep over it. I was so excited. And we got in the car and we started driving and I realized I had forgotten my tin. I realized I had left my money at home and I started crying in the back seat. And my mom turned to me, she's like, what's wrong? And I was like, you know, I forgot my money.

I don't, you know, I'm not going to get to go now. And of course the whole point was they were going to pay for it the entire time. I didn't have a four or five year old the amount of money to go see Annie the musical. But you know, the practice was in me saving money. So my mom was like, you know, Tori, it's okay. We got you. You're fine. And ended up going to see Annie. It was great. It was great experience. Also side note, I am now too old to play an orphan in Annie. And

it's always really, really bothered me. There are certain roles in theater, right? That you age out of and you will never be able to play again. So I will never be able to play Annie or an orphan. And now I'm like hoping that someday I get to play Mrs. Hannigan. Same thing with like, I am, Sound of Music, like I am too old for almost every Von Trapp child. And I think I might still be able to do Liesl. Like maybe I, maybe I'm young enough or look young enough to play Liesl. Anyway, so in that first money memory, right, that was the first time I can consciously remember thinking about money, thinking about how it was going to affect my life. And when I reflect on that money memory, it is positive, right? It was like, okay, if you want something, you have to save the amount of money in order to get it, right? When I do this

exercise with clients, sometimes the money memories are positive. They're also often negative, right? Maybe it's you're thinking about, you know, the first time your parents argued about money. Maybe it's you realizing you didn't have enough money, right? There's a lot that can be revealed and just what is the first time you remember thinking about money? So that's our first practice in journaling. And go ahead and write about that experience. Just like I told you what my first money memory. And go ahead and write about that experience. Just like I told you what my first money memory was, go ahead and write down that experience. And not just the experience, but how it made you feel. Was it a positive or negative emotion?

The second practice is how does that money memory dictate your relationship with money now? I can look back on that and be like, that makes perfect sense, right? I learned how to save money at a very young age. I learned that if I couldn't afford something, I couldn't buy it. So I grew up as a saver. I grew up as someone who managed a credit card responsibly.

I grew up, again, as a privilege with parents who were committed to that financial education piece and committed to teaching me how to save money. That directly dictates the relationship I have with money now. Maybe you had a really bad first money memory, and maybe, unfortunately, your financial habits haven't changed much. Or maybe you saw your parents struggle with money, and so you've gone in completely the opposite direction. Maybe you hoard money. Maybe you're so concerned that you don't know where your money's coming from next. Maybe you don't know, oh, am I going to have another paycheck, right? Where am I going to get my money next? That you are so, so restrictive with your money. You need it all in a checking account.

You need it all in a savings account. Maybe you even need it all in cash under your mattress, right? Maybe you're so worried about being able to see your money in case it suddenly disappears that you're not willing to invest your money, right? So how does your money memory dictate how you currently manage your money? So to recap, first, we're talking about our money memory. Second, we're going to think about how that money memory dictates our current relationship with money, how it informs and develops our relationship with money now. The third question to consider, how do you want your relationship with money to change? How do you want this relationship to grow and evolve? Do you want to start saving more of your money? Do you want to see money as abundant rather than scarce? Have you largely seen money

or people who have money as evil or bad? And is that something that you want to adjust? Maybe you are such a great saver that you're actually not willing to spend any of that money. I actually remember working with a client. This was one of the first clients I worked with back when I started money coaching. She was saving 90 to 95% of her income every month. I'm all for saving, but I literally had to tell her to spend more money. And when we delved into it, we realized she was unwilling to spend money because she was so afraid that she

wouldn't have it, right? She was so afraid of letting that money go and potentially not being able to afford rent. The reason why I was advocating for her to spend more money is because, you know, and we'll talk about this in a future episode, deprivation is never the answer. And of course, I'm all about saving money, especially, you know,

if you're saving money towards a specific goal, I am all about that. But if you're sacrificing your current livelihood, your current happiness, in order to hopefully make future you happy, that's not what I want. I want you to have a balance. I want you to be able to enjoy the money now

as well as balance your saving. So with her, she was so worried because of the way she grew up around money, because of her money memories, the way she saw her parents manage money. She was so frugal, almost to a fault. We had to train her to start spending money on things that she actually liked. The irony of that is I don't think I was quite that intense. I've never saved 90% of my income. was quite that intense. I've never saved 90% of my income, but I will tell you that when I first graduated college, I grew up with that frugal mindset and with the focus on saving that a lot

of times I sacrificed going out with friends or I sacrificed eating good food or sacrificed maybe something small that I wanted because I was so concerned with saving money. I was so concerned with making sure I had as much money saved as possible. And again, this is a balance, right? I'm not saying never save your money. I'm also not saying, you know, save all your money and to completely deprive yourself and never have anything fun in life again, right?

It is a balance. So there's that third question, right? How do you want your relationship with money to change? How do you want to take control of the relationship you have with money? Because I want you controlling your money rather than the other way around. I want you feeling confident enough to develop your relationship with money in a positive way and to feel like money is a tool rather than something that's scarce or evil or something that's keeping you from your goals, right? I want you controlling your money. I don't want your money controlling you.

The fourth question or the fourth prompt to consider, how are you going to make that happen? What are the actionable things that you're going to do to change your relationship with money? I think you're subscribed to this podcast. If not, you know where to go. But that's one step, right? You're developing your relationship with money. You're bettering your relationship with money by investing your time and energy into resources. Maybe you found another financial expert that you like.

Maybe you're reading a book about money. Maybe you're having conversations about money with your friends. Maybe you're finally opening up that high-yield savings account or IRA. Maybe you're setting aside $20 a month into your savings account. Maybe you're just researching, gosh, how much debt am I in? Or maybe you're finally looking at your purchases through a critical lens. Maybe you haven't looked at your credit card statement in months. Maybe you're finally doing that. What are the actionable things you're going to do to make it happen?

Because here's the deal. Sounds so obvious, but nothing changes in your life unless you change it. Nothing about your relationship with money changes unless you make changes. Unfortunately, there is no magical get out of debt button, right? There is no, I suddenly have invested all of my money and it's growing passively for me and I did nothing. You have to take action. So if you want your relationship with money to change, and we've explored that in number three, how you want your relationship to change. Our fourth prompt is how are you going to change it? What are the actionable resources you're going to use in order to start changing your relationship with money?

All right, our fifth and last question. I'm going to ask you to close your eyes. Obviously, if you're driving, please do not close your eyes. Bad idea. But if you're in a place where you can, I want you to close your eyes. What will your life look like if you change your relationship with money? What will a day look like if your relationship with money is now positive? How will your life have altered? How will your mindset have altered if you change how you're managing your money?

This was one of the biggest reasons I was able to hit my 100K goal. I saw very clearly how that 100K would change my life. It was less about the number on paper, although I am weirdly motivated by numbers. It was more the fact that I knew that saving that 100K would mean a massive step forward towards me quitting my job and running my business full-time.

It would give me the financial agency to feel confident quitting my job because I knew I had money in the bank, right? It meant literally my entire day would change. I wouldn't have to wake up at 6.30, 7 in the morning, get ready, do an hour commute into work, sit for eight plus hours at a desk and work for somebody and make somebody else rich. It meant I didn't have to submit PTO requests when I wanted to take a vacation. It meant that I could change lives and do what I wanted to do every day. And it gave me the life that I wanted, right? It gave me the business that I had dreamed of. So I need you to get really specific. What does it feel like every day to not be in debt anymore? What does it feel like every day to know

that while you were sleeping, your investments made money for you? What does it feel like to finally have enough money that you're not living paycheck to paycheck? How is your life different? How is your mindset different? How is your mental health different? What options open up to you now that you have that financial foundation? How does your mindset different? How is your mental health different? What options open up to you

now that you have that financial foundation? How does your life change? Because you've changed your relationship with money. So when we're tying back how our life starts to change when we manage our money, right? It's overcoming those negative beliefs about money that were cemented at a young age.

It's overcoming the bias that we've had around money that were cemented at a young age. It's overcoming the bias that we've had around money that started when we were kids. If we want our relationship with money to change, right, we have to get to the root of it. Where did this shit start? How do we start viewing money? So when we're considering how this connects to our first money memory, we are considering how our bias around money, how our childhood views around money, how our family's relationship with money affected how we manage money today. And once we can start to unpack that, we can start releasing the shame and judgment that we have around money. We can start focusing on what we can do right now to

change our relationship with money. And we can contemplate and dream and fantasize about what our life looks like when we are in control of our money, when we've moved through and processed and come to terms with the negative bullshit that we've been carrying about money for our entire lives. Thank you for listening to Financial Feminist. Financial Feminist is produced and hosted by me, Tori Dunlap. Theme song and audio production by Jonah Cohen Sound.

Administration and marketing by Olivia Kokana, Sophia Cohen, and Kristen Fields. Research by Arielle Johnson. Promotional graphics by Mary Stratton and photography by Sarah Wolf. A huge thanks to the entire Her First 100K team and community for supporting the show. For more information about Financial Feminist, Her First 100K, our guests, and our sponsors, go to financialfeministpodcast.com.