Financial Feminist - 70. Feeling Stuck in Life with Kahlil Dumas

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

Are you gaslighting yourself into staying in a toxic career? Tori is joined by Kahlil Dumas, entrepreneur, podcast host, and business advisor, to talk about all the ways you might be feeling “stuck��� in your career and what you can do to move forward. Tori and Kahlil dive into how to know if your boss is toxic, what it means to build generational wealth, especially in communities of color, while also building a career you love, and more.  Learn more about our guests, read transcripts, and get additional resources on our show notes page –– www.financialfeministpodcast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, financial feminists. Happy Valentine's Day to you all. I would like to remind you that romantic love is not the only love worth celebrating today. So whether you're partnered or not, I just want to remind you that love between parents and children, between family members, between friends, between co-workers, as well as romantic partners is super valuable and is so important to celebrate today, not just the the mushy gushy stuff romantically. There are so many beautiful, loving relationships in our lives that have nothing to do with romantic partnership. All right. If you've listened to our recent episodes, you might recognize today's guest. Khalil Dumas is a team member here. He is our chief product officer at HFK. And when he's not slaying the patriarchy alongside of us, he's helping you heal your trauma with money, advising

your business, and redefining what generational wealth and prosperity mean to you. He is also the host of the Unstucked podcast and a friend of mine for many, many years. I sat down with Khalil to talk about his background and how he decided to begin coaching others. We talk about what building generational wealth means to him as a Black man currently pursuing financial independence, the impact that financial education has had on him, especially our advice here at Her First 100K, how to recognize toxic situations at work, and how to stop gaslighting ourselves back into our comfort zones. This is a short one today, but it's so incredibly impactful and I'm grateful to Khalil for joining us. So let's go ahead and get into it. But everyone, everywhere, all the time. Kraken.

See what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. Kraken's registration details at kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer. All right. You and I know each other for so long. Yes. And this is like a reunion episode because you were on the show interviewing me about the book. And now the table, it might have the tables have turned. Yes, they have.

We are excited to have you as a guest today. We typically start episodes with people who talk about money and people who are obsessed with money about your first money memory. What is the first time you remember thinking about money? Well, before I get to that, I first want to say congratulations on becoming an instant New York Times bestseller. You knew I was going to say that. Thank you. Congratulations to you, our whole team. This was very much a team effort. It was a lot of hard work from a lot of people and it feels very validating. And it's also like, what do I do now with the rest of my life? But that's a different conversation at a different time. We'll go back to the drawing board as we always do.

My first money memory. I love this question because I have quite a bit of them. But the one that just jumped out when you asked that was I had this Bart Simpson piggy bank. It was clay. And my grandma brought it back from Tijuana. She was so excited to give it to me. I was so excited to receive it because it was Bart Simpson. I loved watching the Simpsons back in the day. And I had, I would scrounge the house. I would constantly ask my parents, can I have 50 cents? Can I have a dollar? I just wanted to fill this Bart Simpson up. Like that was my goal. I didn't even know what I was going to do with that money. I didn't even really have a full concept of what savings was, but it was just kind of like a mission I had. And one thing led to another. I remember my mom briefly talking

about like she wanted to buy something, but she couldn't afford it. So little Khalil runs into my room. I broke Bart Simpson because it was clay. There was no way to actually like get the change out. And my mom's like, I'll never forget how conflicted you were. You were really excited to be able to say like, here's this money. But in the back of your mind, this Bart Simpson was broken. So that was my huge money memory is just really remembering like how, how good it felt to quote unquote save, because that was just something that I knew was important but didn't fully understand but I would say another memory is just constantly after that moment I'd always kind of just have ones twos tens in my hand there's actually a really cute

picture of me like asleep in the car with like a bunch of money and my mom was like that was right after you broke Bart Simpson so you didn't quite know what to do with the money so you just carried it around but that's my first money memory and it's one that I just laugh about all the time because that was when I really started to become conscious of like, what saving money does, it can get you things that you want. But also there was this kind of delayed gratification of like, I saved and that's always stuck with me. What for you was the answer to like what you're going to be when you grow up? Like as you were growing up, like what did you think you wanted to do? And how did that evolve as you have now, you know, come into adulthood?

Been here for a while, but like what was the progression of that? Yeah. So I actually had this, my mom still has my Mickey Mouse diary that I had when I was seven and all the fun notes that were in it. And what I wanted to do from a young age is I wanted to be, and not together, but in separate orders, I wanted to be a veterinarian by day. So during the day, I wanted to help animals because I was obsessed with Animal Planet. I loved watching that. And by night I wanted to be a chef because I loved Emeril Lagasse. I loved watching Food Network. And I thought, this is what I want to do. But soon insert, I would learn that I had ADHD. So really my focus to become one thing would change rapidly for years to come. And that really

evolved because both my parents knew what they wanted to do from a very young age. My dad knew he wanted to be an architect since he was five. My mom knew she wanted to be an attorney from a very young age. So there was a lot of going back and forth of like, what do I want to do? What do I want to do? And I will say that question wasn't really answered until my early 20s when I started to look around and started to really understand it's not the label of like what i want to do it's not become a lawyer or become a doctor or become an architect it's i want to be in a lane where i can help people who are on a mission to not only help the world but also help black people and that was something that took a while to to really wrap my mind around because like to your point like that's a question i got all the time leading up to college and after college like what do you want

to do with your life and i was like i, I don't know, but I know this is how I want to feel in the morning. And I know this is the mission that I want to follow. I've said it before, I think on the podcast, but it's a question that no one knows the answer to. And even when you're asked, when you're like 21, 22, and it's a question that fills you with a lot of anxiety and it feels like this huge pressure. And so what I ask people to think about instead is not what I want to do with my life or what is my life's greatest passion. It's just like, what do I want to do next? Yeah, absolutely. And I had a mentor that said something wonderful. And we were talking about

this exact thing last week. She was like, you know, isn't it so intense when people just ask you like what do you do it's just such a loaded it's a very american thing too literally it's like it's such a loaded question to start off with someone you don't know and especially folks like you and i who are like highly ambitious and do a lot it's like how do i submit this and also showing my answer that i have balance that i just don't work like i do other things too. So I've kind of pivoted to asking people like, what's your hobby? Or like, what gets you excited? And those questions are the complete opposite.

There's no anxiety. But I'd love to hear like your take on that too. Well, yeah, I think that one very American, like I said, like if you go to Europe, what do you do comes like hour two or three like that's not that's not right off the bat but that's a very American thing it's what's your name and like what do you do for a living and I've tried to be more intentional I typically do ask that question because it is socially acceptable but then I dig into it further of like why do you do that like what else are you interested in right and again back to the like the

what are you going to do with your life like i think the question like what is next for you or like what do i want to do next it leads with curiosity and it's less this like panic inducing like oh my god i don't know the whole point of life is to figure out what you want to do and like it's going to change moment to moment or year to year or decade to decade and like no one's staying in the same job no one's staying in the same job. No one's staying in the same industry anymore. And it's just like, it's what do I want to do next, right? It's motivated by curiosity and by interest and by curating a beautiful life of a lot of fun stories and experiences.

And less like, yeah, I'm going to be in this thing forever. And this is what I was put on this earth to do forever. Literally. And where that really came to a head for me was during the pandemic. I felt this really intensive pressure to answer that question, even though I'd had these kind of fluid conversations where it's like, cool, you don't need to have this answer. And what I discovered in that was ultimately my purpose was there are thousands of people now that I've interviewed and talked to who just feel kind of stuck, not only with this question, but with that question across all sections of their life, work, career, money, relationships, and bingo, that answered my question. I was like,

I've felt stuck a lot of my life. And a big piece of that has to do with undiagnosed ADHD, which has now been diagnosed and kind of gave me a lot more clarity, which was like people stay in this mindset and build habits of feeling stuck and lead their lives that way. Anything new that comes along, it's like, I can't do that because I'm the deflated doer is one of the personalities that I've created. The deflated doer is someone who has a checklist and knows there's a bigger meaning to their life, but puts that off to get through that checklist. So that is a huge reason why I launched the platform was I wanted to talk to more people about why they get stuck and you nailed it on the head. The number one reason why people get stuck is they stop exploring and they

stop being curious. We talked about this with Ashley Stahl in a previous episode, but I have seen this with so many people in my life who it's deeply uncomfortable to be uncomfortable, right? And plenty of people, and I don't fault people for this at all. Again, we talk about this on the episode

where it's like you are in a relationship where it's like, yeah, I mean, I love this person, but like, I guess the next natural thing is to marry them. But like, no. I gave the example on that episode where I had a friend who was literally like, I don't think I'm supposed to marry this person, but it's just like what you're supposed to do next. And I've already put like a down payment on the wedding and just like, he's comfortable. He's comfortable. And it's really uncomfortable to uproot your life. It's really uncomfortable to move out and live by yourself and to be alone for a period of time after not being alone. And it's very difficult when it comes to your career to decide, actually, I'm really unhappy. And what if I blow my entire life up? And I love what Ashley said, which is like, it's going to either happen for you or you

are going to have to make that decision eventually. So why not do it now before it gets even worse? I saw that too. And I literally wrote that down because it's so spot on. Why do we wait to change our lives when it's super uncomfortable? It's so much easier to make that shift. I felt I naturally did that with Unstuck, which I still laugh at the name, which is something that took me forever to come up with. And the way that it came together was like, I'm literally sticking my name next to something that I've had a lot of fear around, which is being stuck.

And it's just unlocked so much for me. It's similar to reverse psychology. Get 100 no's this year, right? Get used and get uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. And it's so true. But I absolutely loved that quote because it's so true. So true. So you talked about, and I know you and I have had plenty of conversations about this.

When you and I, we went to college together, and then we didn't really connect in college and connected after. And I think one of the things that was so appealing to you about a lot of our advice at Her First 100K was this idea, of course, of finding balance between spending and saving, but also using wealth as a form of protest. And as a Black man yourself, and as someone who works with a lot of people of color, what does generational wealth look like to you? And can you define that for us? And I've experienced that there's not a lot of discussion around generational wealth for anyone who isn't a cisgendered straight white man. So can we talk about what is generational wealth for you and what do you see generational wealth as for the Black community in general?

Yeah, absolutely. When you just start off with a simple Google, what is generational wealth, right? That's where I started. It's yachts and succession and yeah and and ivy league degrees yeah literally yacht succession but it's money that is the focal point and for for me personally i've had to change that is like in my early 20s and in my upbringing it was like obtain as much money as possible because we don't have any like we have to obtain money like money money money money, money, money, money. And what I started to quickly understand was generational wealth is so much more than money. Because when I came into contact with Herfress and Herkane, I'm so proud to be the CPO because literally HFK has changed my life. I was that person who was afraid of tackling finances. I

was that person who was so far in debt, but I also was that person who didn't holistically understand what wealth and money generation truly means and looks like, because no one taught that to me. No one taught it to my parents. So naturally it didn't get passed down to me. And what I naturally started to learn and how I changed my definition and what I'm trying to get other people to do is part of building that generational wealth is unlearning some of the toxicity that we learn, especially in the black community, around mental health, around speaking up when you feel uncomfortable, right around some of those patriarchal, uncomfortable kind of insert the R word, right, some of the racism, a lot of the systematic racism

that we deal with day in, day out, that's just something that and I'll speak for just my experience, but that's just something that didn't come up in day to day life because we were so focused on just surviving. And so when I started to really understand my definition of generational wealth, it really wasn't an accurate one. It was really just survival and not thinking long-term. So now, right, as I've changed that definition, it's not only setting up 529s for my children, setting up long-term savings goals. It's how do I unlearn some of the trauma that I have, right? Which is, you know, doing things for the fulfillment of others and not necessarily myself, or, you know, some of the deep-rooted trauma that some of us experience with our parents and not

wanting to address that. And that understanding that that will directly impact our wealth because if we're afraid or we are afraid to be uncomfortable because that's just the environment we've been in, right? That is something that we ultimately have to be uncomfortable because that's just the environment we've been in, right? That is something that we ultimately have to work through. So how that differs from just a normal definition of generational wealth is it extends outside of money and goes into your health, goes into your relationships with your network, your friends, your families, your rest. Oh my God, Tori. I think that was one of the biggest things the pandemic did for me was allowed me to like rest because we were, I was in this hyper figure it out mode and all of a sudden you couldn't leave the house. And so it was like, got to figure this out. So. Well, and also literally for black men and, you know, midst of pandemic, it's not even, it's a literal threat to your life,

right? And so it's like this idea of rest and ease and of safety when again i can't speak from personal experience of course but like when your life is literally at risk the moment sometimes you when i mean brianna taylor you don't even leave your house right it's like like what is that feeling like and one of the things that i have been really interested in a lot of questions we get from our community as it's like, when I start financially progressing, I feel guilty. Like, and we talk about this in the book too, of like, there's this feeling and I have it too often where I'm like, I'm doing well and I feel guilty because I'm doing well when somebody isn't right. And hopefully it's not at the expense

of that person, but it's just like other people are struggling and I'm doing well when somebody isn't right and hopefully it's not at the expense of that person but it's just like other people are struggling and I'm doing better do you experience guilt as a black man of knowing like the vast majority of like I think black wealth it's something like 78 is like the average I think net worth of a black individual in America it's something crazy like under a hundred dollars did you have to reckon with that? Do you still reckon with that? Absolutely. All the time. And when you said that, I was like, me too. When I was growing up, and this is something, my family's come a long way, but I was raised by a single mother who was working multiple jobs and had a family around me who was predominantly Black. And when we now look back and when we talk to

and still have to nurture those relationships, it's really crazy to kind of see sometimes some of our family members have kind of gotten stuck in time, no pun intended, but that's something that's really hard to reckon with. And something I struggled with because when I would interact with them, I felt like I needed to, for lack of a better term,

kind of turn myself down. I couldn't talk about all these things as much as I would with like, for example, someone like you, like where I can just be myself and we can talk about these different strategies. And what was really difficult was wanting to help someone who didn't want to help themselves. And that is something I think where the guilt comes in is not knowing how to articulate that and how I was able to kind of solve that and overcome that was just I'm allowed to be me and I'm allowed to do those things. Right. Even even if I perceive that to be guilt, it doesn't do that person any disservice. My family disservice if I if I minimize myself or if I don't talk about the importance of these things. Now, where I've shifted as I've

gotten older is not feeling like I need to prove that point to them, not putting it as my own personal mission to say, when I leave this conversation, this person needs to understand how to get out of debt. This person needs to understand investing. But instead, I've had more calm conversations. When they approach me, because obviously I have a podcast and they want to talk about these things, it's like, talk to me about what's going on in your life. And those conversations are a lot more natural because I have to put myself in their shoes and I have to put myself back 10 years ago when I was crushing debt. That was the big thing I was focused on. And it was something that that's really all I thought about. And when I go back now to talk to these family members, they have their own things,

right? Right now, a lot of them are just trying to survive and And I have to meet them on that level and be okay with that. So that's how I've been able to address that guilt is being able to come, you know, not having to prove that point to them or feel like I need to save them from anything. That was something I struggle with. I still struggle with that. When I talk to my cousins who live in Natchez, Mississippi, when life just looks way different, I just have to reckon with where they're at and where I'm at and just listen more than I speak sometimes. Do you think there's a difference between the definition of rich versus the definition of wealthy?

Ooh, that's a great one. Yes, personally, I know there is. I think in the Black community, rich is what we see rappers and what we see the general media portrayed as. Wealth never comes up. I will tell you, I didn't really hear or talk about wealth until I got to college, like truly understanding what does wealth mean? Like wealth was something that I pictured is just kind of, I'll just be honest. It's just a really rich white guy. That's when I would hear the word wealth. That's what I would think of. I wouldn't think about me being wealthy or my

family being wealthy. Rich was the fun, sexy term that I think a lot of the Black community, and when I just speak for my own Black community, we latch onto. We want to be rich. Now I've understood, and the way I understand it, rich is short. Being rich and having income and not having to worry about survival is short-term is long term wealth changes and breaks generational curses so that is the the difference that i've told and learned myself and that's something that i'm i'm learning how to kind of express that to others to educate others so that they're aware of the difference it's not important to look rich it's more important to build wealth for you and your family for the long term and for the long run yeah and we use her use her first under K kind of rich and wealth interchangeably, right? Like our

slogans fighting the patriarchy by making you rich. And of course, for me, riches is for me, it's like, yes, they can be different definitions, but my I use rich and wealthy interchangeably. And it is this idea that it isn't, you know, the designer goes, you can't afford because you're just trying to flaunt how much money you have, or just like you want to see or you want people to see that you have money it's more the understanding that like and we talked about you know ramit saithi of and he has this concept right of a rich life and it's like the rich life can be i pick up my kids from school every day or i am so true tip x percent every single time or i donate x percent right or i just you know i can start a business and employ x amount of people and it's like i think that that's one of the beautiful

things too is it's like the vast majority of people unfortunately are not going to have million dollar you know two three zeros or commas in their bank account right that's just not going to be a thing but i think all of us can try to find even just a little bit of like, what does, what kind of life can we build using money as a tool? I absolutely love that. It's so true. And, you know, rich to, again, to me now is being fulfilled at the end of the day, knowing that I gave it my all, right? Being rich is being able to, you know, spend time with my wife, spend time with my lovely puppies and family, be in good health. And I think what I was getting to with the general community definition is none of that plays in. And that goes back to my original point with generational wealth. We just think about it as

monetary when it's so much more than that. And again, I bought my relationship with money where I'm like, I don't care what you call it. It's like choices. And you can call that rich. You can call that wealthy, whatever that looks like. But I do think that, you know, the classic definition, there is a difference. The rich is the like, what do you have? Wealth is like, what are you doing?

Yeah. And I would just say across the board, both those terms are triggering. I don't even think anyone enters in a definition who are like financially traumatized like like there's no definition it's just like i'm not either of those things that's where it stops i would like to get one of them yeah i want one yeah and i think yeah wealth wealth is always about time too it's just the other thing people say is it's like rich is you know the money wealth is time yeah and but like one thing that i think about too now is it's like you know i have more money in my bank account of course than i've had before but with the demands of hfk recently i don't know how wealthy i feel which is interesting

because i you know when we were tinier and when there were less demands on my time i had more flexibility and so that's part of like why i'm trying to like, take Fridays off and like set boundaries. And sometimes I'm bad at it, as you both know. But like, that's the interesting thing is it's just like, yeah, I've asked to ask that question to myself of like, yeah, I do have a certain number in my bank account. But like, how much time do I have? Love that you just also because it means a lot from both of you that like you've reaffirmed, like that was something I saw missing from a lot of these conversations is a more dynamic view of wealth. And honestly, my journal entry tonight is going to be what is rich versus wealthy now mean? Because that's something that I think there's a lot to unpack there. And that

goes into like I was talking about like trauma. Yeah. Let's talk about that feeling of being stuck. So how does someone know that they're stuck or heading down the road to stuck? What does it feel like? Not just cerebrally, not just what's going on in their brains or in their life, but what's happening in your body when you feel stuck? Yeah. No, that's a wonderful question. Feeling stuck, it's a couple of things from a physical. It's that chest tightening feeling. It's the stomach aches that roll in 10 minutes before a meeting or five minutes before something you're going to do, right, that maybe you don't think you're ready for. Stuck is, you know, being paralyzed when you wake up in the

morning. That was what it felt like to me. I remember waking up and the moment I used to call it my brain would load, I would feel stuck. I would be like, I don't even want to get out of bed because I feel overwhelmed. And I don't know what to tackle first. And I know the outcomes of yesterday and last month and last year, how that's impacting today. And so physically, it's again, your chest tightening, your stomach aches, just this overwhelming feeling of just something isn't right. And that is what I hear all the time is sometimes people don't even really know that they're stuck. They just know that there's more that's meant for them. And they just don't know how to get there. Everybody needs to listen to Ashley Stahl's episode and then this

one. I don't know if you've listened to that full episode, but it's so like, it's two sides of the same coin where she talks about, I think she said, like, intuition is the feeling that you have that you can't explain. Yes. Where it's just like, you feel that way in your gut, right? And like, I remember I tell this story, the introduction of my book is all about, you know, me beginning this job that ended up being super toxic. And I knew the entire process, I was like, something doesn't feel right. But when somebody would ask me, they're like, oh, the pay's good. Yeah. Okay. You know, the office is close. Okay. Yeah. You have a woman boss. That's great. Yeah. But I couldn't tell them why I didn't feel good about it. Like I didn't have concrete evidence. I just knew something was off. And that was my intuition telling me like, something's not right

here. Something's not right here. I don't know know what it is and you'll figure it out in about three months but like something's not right and i think that that's that's yeah here's how to overcome this in two questions and this is what i preach first how are you feeling how many times does someone just ask you genuinely how are you feeling and they want to stick around and listen yeah right we have this habit of hey how's it going good good move on to our next thing no wonder so many people feel stuck there's no feeling and they want to stick around and listen yeah right we have this habit of hey how's it going good good move on to our next thing no wonder so many people feel stuck there's no place for folks to go to fully understand how are you feeling unless you have those mechanisms or those coping skills to be able to journal to check especially black men oh don't even get me started

that i actually love this because my dad is one of my target customers because he's the most stubborn person when it comes to this. And shout out, dad, he knows he'll laugh at this. So when I started to do these exercises, like, how are you feeling? That took him a little bit to be able to answer that question. And when he finally answered it, he's like, wow, he's like, okay, I see what you're on. Like, he got it. And I was like, boom, done, done. So number one, how are you feeling? Write it down. Don't just swirl. Write it down. Put it on paper. That is huge. Two, what do you think you should do? That is the second thing. Because it doesn't matter what Joe Schmo thinks you should do. You know. You already know. Yes. And you already know too. We had somebody in our Facebook group the other day who's like did this big long paragraph where they're like i'm working with this financial advisor and i pay 70 a month and like she doesn't tell me anything i don't know and like i just don't know what to do and i'm like i literally my comment was you already know what to do and you you're going to fire your financial advisor but i'm like you already know what to do you're just looking for reassurance because

because you don't you a society has conditioned you to not trust yourself or you have told yourself that you're untrustworthy. And you maybe didn't do that intentionally, but you have probably gaslit yourself so often or society has gaslit you to the point where your intuition is speaking to you and you either can't hear it or you don't trust it. I'm so happy you said gaslighting yourself first, because I don't think people know how big of a habit people build around gaslighting themselves. Like I'll literally have these conversations.

I'm like, you know what to do. You've told me what's changed. It's like, oh, I don't even know. So how am I addressing this even further? So I'm building an app, the one-on-one app, and it's specifically focused on habit building. Habit building is where I find, that's where we get, like, we feel stuck, we find a solution, we feel temporarily better,

and then our habits kick in and we go back to feeling stuck again. Because to your wonderful point, right? If I built a habit of gaslighting myself when I'm alone at 8.30, nine o'clock at night, and I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do the next day, if I'm naturally used to gaslighting myself

into feeling stuck or feeling like there's no alternative or solutions, I'm going to be back to square one. So getting your habits under control is ultimately the solution here. And it all starts with that step one of building a habit of asking yourself, how are you feeling?

And what do you think you should do? And then last piece is acting on that, right? Because I think that's the biggest piece that misses is people don't act on it. They go, I feel this way. I think I need to do this, but I don't have the courage or the support or the curiosity to change it. Yeah. Or again, it's too comfortable, right?

Like there's, I mean, the classic quote, right, is that change is uncomfortable or that change happens right outside your comfort zone. But it's truly, like, it truly is that. change is uncomfortable or that change happens right outside your comfort zone but it's truly like it truly is that like if you are a little scared it actually probably means you're doing something right not like actually scared for your safety of course but like if it feels like i don't exactly know how this is gonna work or wow yep it is a little painful for a period of time but i know my life's gonna be better off for it yeah Yeah. And it's unfortunate. I'm not proud of this, but it is something that has helped me is being a black man in America's heart. It forces you to be uncomfortable all the time. And it's unfortunate, but to my black men

and women listening, it's partly our superpower because we have had to look at ourselves and be like, am I really the problem is it really me are we sure about that it's unlocked something where a lot of folks who who don't have that problem you aren't unable to kind of feel that uncomfortability now that's not a blanket feeling i know that it's way more dynamic than that but for the most part that's something personally that i've come to it to come fruition with like if i can handle like and i'll drop a very personal story like when i was 10 like i i'll drop a very personal story like when i was 10 like i was wrongfully arrested in an adronikos for quote-unquote stealing which later

on turned out to be false and not true but as a 10 year old like immediately i'm uncomfortable with something that i can't change and i had to was forced to kind of look into that abyss and i came out better for it but those were a lot of hard years of trying to figure out my identity and figure out like, why does this feel so uncomfortable? Like you said, like intuition, like why does this feel this way? And once I broke out of that,

it turned into, I want to help someone not feel this way and or feel this way for a shorter period of time so that they can truly unlock and use that uncomfortability to teach others and help others more. You posted on social media recently about this concept of firing toxic bosses.

And I did have this moment where I was like, is he subtweeting me? And I almost texted you. I'm like, do we need to chat about something? I was like, what a fucking subtweet. All right right we'll talk about that hopefully not about me but we've heard the statement that um we've heard the statement right that you like you don't leave your job you leave your boss what are some of the toxic traits that you've noticed that maybe like seem benign when they're happening within a company but they're just hampering your career success or they're getting you stuck like when is it time to move on? When is it time to move on?

Full disclosure, by taking the lessons I'm about to give you, I was able to find a wonderful boss like Tori. So just wanted to start there. Hey, thank you. He's also like, she signs my paycheck. So let's make sure. No, we're so genuine here. No. First, they gaslight you. We just talked about that. If you say something or bring something up and you're hired to do a position and it's like, eh, I don't know. I think that you're wrong. That's a problem. Your boss should at least 50% of the time allow you to explore, like we talked about

the first beginning of the episode, and to do your job. That was something that I would always run into was I was always super fascinated with marketing and just data. And I realized really quickly that I was a huge fascinated with marketing and just data. And I was, I realized really quickly that I was a huge asset for whomever hired me. And so I would vocalize those things. And I had a lot of bosses who would be like, nah, Khalil, you have other things to do. Like, don't need to worry about this. Instead of being like, wow, that's a great idea. I love this. And I'm gonna help you prioritize it into your workday. I've had to have bosses that were great

to show me that because leading up to that moment, I thought that was normal. I thought, oh, I just have to get to this position and then I can voice my opinions. No, no, no, no. You have to get yourself in an environment that appreciates you. Two, and I think one of the biggest things that I've learned is your leader should be creating a path for you. I've literally been told in my career, there is no path past the one you're on. With a straight face and nothing else coming after that as a 20.

Also, I think looks like they are not checking in with you. They're not giving you like any sort of annual review. Like we, again, getting a ton of messages from people who are like, I've been here two years and I've never had like a performance review or a conversation where I could talk about my compensation or my future here.

Like, wow, what a red flag. Yeah. And just getting back to like, what are those signs like actually look like? It's verbatim. Hey, I know we haven't gotten to your annual review, but you're doing great. Just keep doing what you're doing. Right. And that's your annual review.

Excuse me. So what I started to do after I learned that was I would come sometimes more prepared than my managers. I would say, here are all the things that I've done. And here's what I'm building toward in the next year. How are you going to help me get there? Right. And so that's super important.

I mean, it's fresh. It just happened about three, four years ago to that question of like, what's my career path here? There wasn't one. So those are the two biggest things I would say. Again, the third one is that intuition. Like, you know if you're at the right place or not. You just know it. But yeah, those were, those were the big items. If you are someone that, you know, also like we talked about, like what is feeling stuck feels like if your boss walks by and you get a stomachache and you start sweating and you got, there's a problem and it needs to

be talked about and you should feel empowered to talk to your boss directly about that respectfully, obviously. But it's crazy how many people I hear like, I would never have this conversation. I just need to be quiet and keep doing my job. And I get that because we're trying to survive. But strategically, if you're in that position and you feel stuck and you feel like I don't really have anywhere else to pivot, the biggest thing you can do is go talk to two to three people that you want to work for. Go talk to two to three people that don't give you that feeling and see where that conversation goes. Because that is ultimately how I personally pivoted in my career. I didn't even know I was doing this at the time.

I was just like, you know what? Boss, we'll just call him. We'll just call him Joe Schmo. He's not getting it. So I'm going to go talk to the folks who I think get it and see what they have for me. And I think that is a natural progression. So always networking helps you pivot out of that toxic boss environment. I, of course, know your lovely wife. And I was at your wedding this summer. You got married. And we have this slated for like around Valentine's Day.

How has your definition of generational wealth changed since you got married? Oh, I love this question. I would say, you know, when I first started on my FIRE journey, it was about me purely. How does Khalil save for retirement? How does Khalil save for these goals? And it's quickly turned into how can we save for our goals? These kids that may come, we're still deciding on that piece, but there's more to think about. I'd say the lovely part about my wife is it's hello what are your goals i'm going to help you get there because i know you have really good goals i know this is she just knows this is the strength of mine so she's like i want to support you and here are my goals too so i would say the biggest thing is just now having to think about

others and the equation has changed that right and it's also to the point of generational wealth making sure that i'm healthy making sure that i'm unlearning some of the traumas that I still gripe with and deal with today so that I can do a better job of potentially not passing that on to the next generation. So I would say that is how it's changed holistically is just thinking about someone else and the equation. My last question for you, to someone who is sitting, listening, who feels stuck, what do you have to say to them? listening who feel stuck, what do you have to say to them? First off, you are not alone. There are millions of people who feel the exact same way.

And the exciting part is you can do something about it and you probably are already doing something about it. So first and foremost, like we talked about, how are you feeling? Check in with yourself. Start there. If you don't start anywhere else, it's go into your journal tonight and understand why you feel stuck. From there, what are we going to do about it to make sure that you feel heard and you don't feel stuck again? And so for more of that, of course, come listen to the Unstuck Podcast because we're a whole community that talks about that. But again, I would say the biggest thing is you're not alone and we can help you solve this. Thank you for being here and thank you for everything. Oh, thank you so much, Tori. And I really appreciate you. Thank you to Khalil for jumping in yet again to share his wisdom with us.

We've linked his socials and his podcast unstuck in our show notes, or you can find it in the description below or at financial feminist podcast.com. As always, thank you for being here. We so appreciate your support of the show and our movement and we'll catch you soon. Thank you for listening to Financial Feminist, a Her First 100K podcast. Financial Feminist is hosted by me, Tori Dunlap, produced by Kristen Fields, marketing and administration by Karina Patel, Sharice Wade, Alina Helzer, Paulina Isaac, Sophia Cohen, Valerie Oresko, Jack Koning, Khalil Dumas, Elizabeth McCumber, Beth Bowen,

and Amanda LeFue. Research by Arielle Johnson, audio engineering by Austin Fields, promotional graphics by Mary Stratton, photography by Sarah Wolf, and theme music by Jonah Cohen Sound. A huge thanks to the entire Her First 100K team and community for supporting the show. For more information about Financial Feminist, Her First 100K, our guests, and episode show notes, visit financialfeministpodcast.com or follow us on Instagram at financialfeministpodcast.