Finding Peak w/ Ryan Hanley - What it Takes to Become a Civilized Savage

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

Spartan philosophy, built in the black-ops lab of business: https://www.findingpeak.comFinding Peak podcast: https://linktr.ee/ryan_hanley Join the Civilized Savage book waitlist: https://civilizedsavagebook.comBy making small, disciplined choices in everyday life, we can foster a mentality of growth and gratitude, ultimately leading to more meaningful and enriched lives.Join us in this deep exploration of mindset, resilience, and the power of presence as we anticipate the release of the "Civilized Savage" book, a continuation of this transformative journey.Close twice as many deals by next week. Learn how to become a Master of the Close: https://masteroftheclose.comGet a FREE trial of unlimited access and an additional 20% discount on Shortform through my special link: https://shortform.com/ryanhanley Take your podcasting journey to new heights. Get booked on high-influence podcasts with That 1 Agency: https://bit.ly/that1podcasttour Episodes You Might Enjoy: From $2 Million Loss to World-Class Entrepreneur: https://lnk.to/delk From One Man Shop to $200M in Revenue: https://lnk.to/tommymello Is Psilocybin the Gateway to Self-Mastery? https://lnk.to/80upZ9  Get in Touch: https://linktr.ee/ryan_hanley--Recommended Tools for GrowthOpusClip: #1 AI video clipping and editing tool: https://link.ryanhanley.com/opusRiverside: HD Podcast & Video Software | Free Recording & Editing: https://link.ryanhanley.com/riversideWhisperFlow: Never waste time typing on your keyboard again: https://link.ryanhanley.com/whisperflowCaptionsApp: One app for all your social media video creation: https://link.ryanhanley.com/captionsappGoHighLevel: It's time to take your business workflow to the Next Level: https://link.ryanhanley.com/gohighlevelPerspective.co: The #1 funnel builder for lead generation: https://link.ryanhanley.com/perspective--Episodes You Might Enjoy:From $2 Million Loss to World-Class Entrepreneur: https://lnk.to/delkFrom One Man Shop to $200M in Revenue: https://lnk.to/tommymelloIs Psilocybin the Gateway to Self-Mastery? https://lnk.to/80upZ9This show is part of the Unplugged Studios Network — the infrastructure layer for serious creators. 👉 Learn more at https://unpluggedstudios.fm.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Right. How many other 11-year-olds were leaving seventh grade and going to work? It's kind of crazy when you think you know, when you know what you want, the civilized side says, hey, I want to work. That's civilized. The savage side, no matter what I had to do, kids were going off and doing fun things, I was going to work. That's what I chose. My parents didn't force me to do that. And that's where the civilized savage comes from.

And if you look at guys and gals, if you look at somebody like David Gagans today, civilized savage, most people, after hearing them, say, oh, he's a civilized savage. That's the point on where you're pulling that out. He's so civilized every day, but he's willing to put himself through things that everybody else either fears or doesn't want to do. That's the savage side in you, right? And any of the greats, I don't care if you take gentlemen like Steve Young, most people would say, oh, football. He's a gentleman of the gentlemen. He's a civilized savage.

Jerry Rice. You ever see his workouts? One of the players asked them, hey, we're running routes 10, 20 yards. And the other 80 yards, you sprint down to the end zone. Why do you do that? You're putting on miles and miles and miles. Why? Mentally in his head, he saw himself running to that end zone every time he caught the ball.

So he fulfilled it. Now, a lot of people on the sideline used to say, he's a little crazy. He's putting on like 20 miles in practice that he didn't have to do. That's a civilized savage. So you're taking two concepts and you're bringing them in. It has nothing to do with being a criminal, being a bad person, being a barbarian. That savage side is just somebody knowing exactly what they want and willing to do whatever it takes. Put themselves through discomfort and face all their fears to become so civilized that they are so good at that.

So that's where that comes from. Just think about that mentality that Jerry Rice had. I am training my body and my mind to score a touchdown on every play. Every play. And the wide receiver, I think, that actually tells that story was a rookie. And he shows up at rookie ball, which is weeks before the vets show up. And Jerry Rice is there taking passes with the rookies because he knew that quarterbacks were going to be on the field throwing passes.

And if that was happening, he was going to be there. and then he's scoring touchdowns on every play. It's the kind of mentality that is, it makes me sad that that's a rare mindset today. You know, it's funny, the deeper and more that we get to know each other, the similarities in our stories while different are just astound me. When I was 10, I used to wake up at 4.30 in the morning every Thursday with two 50-gallon trash bags and I would walk the streets of my town and pull the recyclables out of people's recycling bins that I could get five cents for and I would walk around and here I am in a

if it was winter in a coat if it's summer I was in a t-shirt rummaging through at four 30 in the morning blue recycling bins out on the street and carrying around sacks of cans and I'd have two full by the end and I get 40, 50 bucks in a week. Just doing that. And in my life and where I came from and, you know, that was the only way that I could get money. My parents weren't going to give me money. I did the same thing.

They were getting by. But think about this, Ryan. Do you do that for your kids? Do your kids get up and do that? They don't, right? It's, it's one of those things that you have it or you don't have it. that's not something that your parents told you to do. My parents didn't tell me.

I did the same thing down. We had a beach house. A lot of people. My dad, we never went on vacation. First time we ever left, we were in Connecticut, right?

We go to Rhode Island. We had a beach house. The only time we ever went on vacation, I think I was 17. I was when I first got on a plane. We went to Florida. And because what do we do? Saturday,

my dad worked until 1 o'clock. We would head down the beach. We would stay to the beach. And what did I do Saturday and Sunday? I said, dad, can we stay until 6? Because when the beach closed, I would go through the garbage and pick the cans, just as you did. But nobody told me to do that.

Nobody told you to do that. It's different today because if you look at your kids, are your kids willing to do what you're willing, that what you were willing to do? And a lot of people today would look at that and say, I would never go and pick garbage out of a garbage can. What would people think? What are they going to say about us? What are they going to say about me if they see me doing that? Are they going to think I'm poor? Are they going to judge me?

They're going to say things. Here's the best part. One of the neighbors caught me, rumging through the bins, saw what I was doing. He came out of his house one time and asked me, and I said, I'm just picking cans. Didn't say a word to me back, turned around and went in his house. A week later, that son of a bitch was driving in his car around the neighborhood picking cans in front of me. He became a competitor, this adult, right? and I remember the feeling because neighbors would be up sometimes because it took me like an hour,

hour and a half. I'd have to be home by six to get dressed and get ready for school to get to the bus because it was a half hour bus ride into school from where my house was. And I would see the neighbors rummaging or ruffling their curtains or their blinds or whatever and looking out and they'd peel. And I remember the first couple times I was like, oh no, am I going to get in trouble? and then I just said, what's the worst that could happen? And I think we don't ask ourselves that question enough.

We immediately want to jump into the future and start projecting, well, what's this person going to say? And is someone going to yell at me? Am I going to be allowed to do this? And obviously operating inside the frame of general legality, like most of the stuff that we're afraid of, the consequences are so small. Yet we create these enormous what ifs in our head and it keeps us from moving forward. And I have been pounding into my children's head every day.

You know, I have this piece of wood. One of my listeners to the show made this from me. And he's just a woodworker and just the letters GNF stands for give no fucks. And I say that to my kids all the time. I'm like if you want to be great at anything, if you want to make any kind of dent, any kind of mark on this world, you cannot get the fuck what people think.

Doesn't mean you don't want people to like you. I want you to like me. I do. But if you didn't, my life would be exactly the same. Doesn't change. It's, I can't control how you feel about something I say,

do. I have to build the life that I'm going to be proud of. And if I care what you think, that's only going to limit my ability to get there. Why do you think today in particular? Because I've been reading a lot of history and I do think this is a particular concept to the modern world, maybe the last 40, 50 years or so. We care so much about what other people think and it drives so many of our decisions. Why do you think that is? Easy to answer if you look at the last 10, 15 years because I think social media.

What is social media? That in its sense. you're posting things to get response, probably because you're not confident enough yourself. How many likes did I get? How many shares did I get? That's vitally important to who we are. But it shouldn't be, right? It's kind of like you were at the last mastermind, right? What did Angus Reed say?

The worst thing you can tell your kids is I'm proud of you. You know why? Because now you're telling your kids someone, else is telling you you did a good job and you should accept what other people. So Angus says you need to change that. You ask your son, hey, Gianni, how'd you play today? I played well. Are you proud of yourself?

And my son says, well, are you proud of how I played? I'm always proud. You're my son. Are you proud of yourself? You make your kids answer that because the outside world, shouldn't be telling my son or my daughter whether they should be proud of themselves. Your kids should be proud of,

if they're not proud of themselves, what could have you changed that you would have been proud of yourself? Sometimes it's a couple weeks ago, my son's, I shouldn't have said anything to the ref. You always tell me, keep my mouth closed. I said, what happened when you got mouthy with the ref? I didn't get any calls.

You're not going to get calls. That's why he said to you. Nothing good. comes out of telling the ref that he stinks. He or she missed a call. He's a human being just like you. Right? Hey, ref, good job.

Leave it at that. Right. So don't let the outside world tell you or tell your kids if they're doing a good job. And I think social media, going back 50, 60 years ago, that's a different question, I think. And I think social media has been around for hundreds of years, if you think about it, when the Indians used to send smoke signals to others. Some people could call that social media, right? I mean, it's media and you're communicating. It's a different form of communication.

But I really think social media has damaged society tremendously. Because you don't get to see both sides of the coin. You don't. There's so few people that are putting out everything that happens. And I don't even think that's healthy. but you see the beautiful car or the house, and even with a lot of the accounts, individuals that are out there,

most of the time those are rented. Those are, they're not telling you that the beautiful beach house that they're at, they rented for four hours so they could take pictures at it. I mean, there are literally homes, facilities, and operations

in different major cities in this country that their entire business model is renting these things to influencers so that they can take these pictures and build this fantasy life that doesn't actually exist. And, you know, this year, or last year, actually, my son, who had played on the A baseball team, the top-level baseball team for his age and his town for three years, didn't get asked back to the team. He had to play for the B team.

And it was very, very difficult. Mostly because his friends were there and he's younger, so it wasn't, you know, it's not as big a thing for him, the team, but he, you know, he felt that. disconnect from his friends. And, you know, he cried and, you know, it was emotional. You know, I was probably crying a little bit too, just because I felt bad for him that he had to go through this. Now, a year later, it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. That pain, that frustration, he started working on the parts of his game that allowed that coach not to ask him back. There were certain aspects of the game that he was light on. He's also nine years old. He

hadn't grown into his body. He's still figuring things out. There were some things he was good at. somebody wasn't, and he started working. I saw a new determination in him, a new drive. And not that we, especially as parents, want our children to experience these negative things. No one wants them experience negative things. However, negative experiences early in life in particular, if we can reframe them from, oh, this happened to you, you're a victim, you know, everyone's out to get you,

the system is rigged, blah, blah, blah. If you can reframe that is, well, how did you participate in that? You had the lowest batting average on the team. You might have been the second best pitcher. You might have been the starting second baseman, but you had the lowest batting average on the team. And unfortunately, until you're a professional baseball player, you can't only pitch. You have to hit. That's what it is.

If you want to play this sport, this is a skill you have to develop. And he turned that part of his game around. And he worked on it. And that negative experience, the pain, the frustration that he had, the sadness of losing his friend team, That will be something that sticks with him. And the next bad thing that happens, he'll know what to do, hopefully. And it's almost like we protect. Like I hate this idea of safe space.

Like what part of fucking life is safe? Like, driving down here from my house is not safe. This building, while beautiful, is in a part of town that is not safe. Right. There is no part of life that is safe. yet we try to create these little bubbles for them that just don't they do not relate to reality that they're going to face when they get on the real world and I think that's the problem that the generation below me and I'm 43 that the 25 to 35 year olds that are struggling so much today with the marketplace and we can't afford this and it's like yeah no no duh all of us had that thing in a different way when we were coming up the only difference is you were never taught that this was coming. You know, you were, everything's safe, everything's great, you're perfect, you're amazing, all of a sudden reality smacks you in the face. I think previous generations were just,

were just shown what reality was, particularly in America, were shown what America, what reality was really like so that when they got to the real world and shitty things did happen or things were hard or you couldn't afford something, you were like, oh, I just have to work harder. I have to figure this out. And how do you, with your children in particular, show them the world that they're going to have to fight against when they're outside of your home? It's a great question.

Just a step back. I would challenge you, you're at 43. I'm at 51. I would say eight, 10 years ago, roughly your age, I would have thought the same thing. You know, I can't stand. and my kid fail, like not make this team or not do well. Today with the mindset I have is, I believe it's a blessing he fails that he has his mom and

dad with him to explain from failure what you learn. So your son had you at nine years old. He had you. Now, I would challenge you, you got to stay present when your kid fails. you got to stay focused. There is so much to learn from him not making it. Hey, maybe we need to work on this. Maybe we weren't in the best of this shape.

Maybe this, maybe that. Let's surround him with why he failed. Because, you know, one of the questions we were talking about is the difference between losing and failing. I have no problem with my kids failing. I have a problem if they lose. Losing means they didn't learn any. thing. They blame other people. We got beat. They were better than, they've been practicing three years together. That's baloney. They beat you. Why? They beat you. Maybe you weren't disciplined

enough. Maybe you didn't practice enough. You didn't shoot enough free throws. You weren't in good enough shape. There's reasons why they beat you. Right? That's failure is learning from that. Losing is just blaming and just, I got beat because of this. No, you got beat because you and your team. maybe you're out coach, maybe you're out played, maybe you're outworked. You got, you lost. And if you don't learn anything, that's a loser's mentality. I always tell my kids, I have no problem if you fail. I have no problem if you're beaten.

You're going to be beaten. People were better basketball players than me. They were taller than me. They could jump higher than me. But you know what they didn't do? They weren't going to outwork me. So what do I teach my kids? I teach my kids.

Don't be outworked. I'll take the person who works. the hardest over the talent, most talented person all day long. My son was told after freshman year he should never go out for basketball. He'll never make a basketball team. That was the greatest thing that that coach ever gave my son. You know why? Because he chose his enemies wisely. And we were just talking about that, right, Ryan? If you choose your enemies wisely, it's a book by Patrick Bed David. I recommend everybody reading it. I look back. I look back, in my life after reading. I'm like, I chose a lot of enemies. I still choose enemies. It's amazing

when I stay focused after reading that. I'm like, my son chose an enemy. That coach looked at him and said, you're a loser and I don't believe in you. That's not him being cruel. That was the state of where my son was who picked up a basketball only a year prior. He didn't like the game. And I didn't push him. My dad kept saying, don't push him. If you push him, if you push him he's going to run from it. He then, a year prior to getting caught from his freshman team, he picked up a basketball and he lived basketball. When he tried out, he wasn't good enough for the team. He got caught. But what drove him every single day, morning, noon, and night, was not going to dances. Was the coach's voice in the back of his head telling him he's never going to make it?

We're going into our senior year. As a junior, yes, he started one varsity basketball game. He played in almost all the varsity games. They go into the state's tournaments. They win round one. He plays well. They win round two. He plays well again.

Round three comes in. Not playing that much. Big guy fouls out. Who comes in? My son, a minute and 21 seconds left. They go down two. points with 10 seconds left. The star shoots, misses, Gianni gets a rebound, gets filed.

He's two free throws. Down two points. You've only played a couple minutes that game. You haven't started, but one game, your whole junior year, he gets up, makes both of them. Now all of a sudden, they go into overtime. Then they go into double overtime. They win.

Gianni played well. hit a nice three, made the free throws to carry the game on, they're going on to the quarterfinals. They end up getting beat. The moral of the story is you have to be prepared. How many people, I was talking to the coach a couple nights ago and he says, I was so thankful that Gianni got fouled. I said, coach, why were you thankful? He hadn't played. He's like, because I knew he shot more free throws than anybody.

anybody else in that gym? It's discipline. It's believing. It's taking that enemy, that person who said you couldn't do it and driving you, that that's that nail or that voice in the back of your head that just drives you

every single day. That's what I teach my kids. I teach my kids failing is okay as long as we learn. Regret is okay. Leave no regrets is a bunch of baloney. I have friends that say and I challenge them. I said, hey, I respectfully disagree. Leave no regrets. No. Regrets is a superpower if we

learn from them. Have you ever done something that you regretted? And when you ponder about it, you're like, wow, that's something you're never going to do again or you're going to alter your actions because of what you did. You had a regret. It had a profound impact on your life. These are teachable lessons. So I would encourage you as a parent, as I encourage parents and coaches. If your kids aren't failing, they're not trying hard enough. They should be failing, not losing, failing. And mom and dad, and I know what type of guy you are, a guy like you, needs to be there to teach him, not pick him up. Be there to teach him a lesson. Teach him why he failed and how we're going to not fail next time. That's more valuable

then praying for him not the fail or always seeing your son win. Yeah, I agree. So there's a bunch in there that I want to respond to. My older son, who I coach his travel team, he had a game in the middle of the season. And pitching is like his thing. He loves pitching. He's figured out ways to make the ball move that I could never.

In my entire career, make the ball move the way that he can make the ball move. He just has a natural ability. and it's wonderful and he works at it. And then we had a game in the middle of the year and he's getting hit. And he's our number one. Usually, I'm a double-heder, he'll start the second game. He's one, number one, number two pitcher on the team.

And middle of the season game, season's been going well, pitching perspective, and he's just getting lit up. Just every ball is finding a hole. You know, he's all over the strike zone. and I know what he's doing wrong. I can see it. But I'm just watching him.

I can see exactly what he's doing wrong. He wasn't striding far enough, so his timing and rhythms off and all these things. It doesn't matter. And he doesn't, he, he unlike me, I'm a highly emotion-driven person. It's taken me a lot to, it's taken me a lot of work to pull that in.

But in general, I run very hot and not always negative I mean I just run on that level he's not that way he's a thinker so he's usually

calm cool he can come in with bases loaded and did this season multiple times bases loaded no outs come in

and just any other kids throwing the ball to the top of the backstop and he's boom boom but I could tell he's getting rattled because he didn't and he looks over at me

and I go figure it the fuck out what are you looking at me for? And we have a relationship that I can say that. I mean, I didn't say it to him in a mean way. And some people are going to say, why would you say that to your kid? Yeah.

That's the real world. Yeah. And the point is, he looked to me for, like, help. And it's like, no, I can't come out there and throw the ball for you. You're the one throwing the ball. You know what to do.

If I come out and I tell you, you're not striding long enough or, you know, whatever he was doing, then you're not going to be able to correct it when I'm not on the sideline. Like right now I'm in the dugout. I can see everything. I'm right there. But there is going to come a time in the not too distant future where I'm not going to be in the dugout.

Correct. I'm not going to be able to yell down to him what he's doing wrong. So you got to use this moment. Absolutely. And, you know, I can tell he didn't like that response for me. But then he pulled his shit together and he got himself out of the inning. And when he came off, you know, I like, I'm getting a little. little tear even saying it because it was such like a proud moment for me.

I, you know, I grabbed him and I gave him a big ass hug. And I just looked at him and I was like, dude, I do not give a fuck that you got lit up out there. What matters is the last three batters where you pulled your shit together. You figured out what you're doing wrong. And you got those guys out. He's out of the inning. He's like, he's like looking at me and I'm like a little teary eyed. And he's, you know, it kind of gives me that like 10 year old look like, you know, what the fuck?

But in my head, I was like, it was such a moment for me because of the tumult that he had had in his career and I knew how hard he would work. And for him to like, he realized I'm not always going to be there. And then that played out the rest of the season where we got into the playoffs. One of our pitchers got hurt and our number three pitcher just absolutely blew up. And he had to pitch two games in two days to try to win this tournament. We ended up losing whatever. but he goes seven innings with no with two earned runs and like 12Ks one walk just absolutely lights out didn't look at me once not just because he was doing well he knew it was him and you know you see

those little things like those moments when we force them into the fire right we don't push our kids into the fire you force them into the fire and that's a little thing it's a you know some people are going to go oh it's not a little thing you know what you did You got your son without even knowing to believe in himself. Yes. And that's the part that I love this work we're doing with Civilized Savage in this book and why I feel this is so important. And we originally talked about putting it out in the fall.

And I said, no, I want to do the spring because I want to do this right. Because this lesson of walking into the fire intentionally, intentionally, that's the difference. The universe doesn't give a shit about us. The universe is going to mow us down and not think twice about it. And you can be reactive and just react to the fires that come. Or you can pick the fires you want to walk in and go in intentionally and come out a stronger, more confident, more put together person. So then when those moments do happen, they're like, whatever, right? You know, you know the up and down story of my career.

Oh, yeah. different things that have happened. And I had someone recently say to me like, how do you keep coming back? And I said, do you know how many times in my life? Been knocked down? I've had my dick kicked, you know, like, you know how many times have been knocked in the dirt and had to dust myself off with no one grabbing my hand? This isn't like the first time this has happened.

Like this is everything from, you know, when I was young, when my parents, and, you know, all the craziness in my personal life. And my dad went to jail when I was 16. He went to jail before when I was 12. Like, you know, and he's a great guy. I don't want to disparage him in any way. He's amazing. He made his decisions and his turn, turn in all those problems around.

His incredible grandfather. But like, this is not the first time. So what are you going to do? You're going to baby the shit out of your kids. You're going to let them live in this safe little bubble where they're perfect. Everything they say is wonderful. Everything they do is amazing. and then you're going to push them out into the world

and just that's going to be the first fire that they have to experience is when they're 18 or 19 or 20 years old. They're in trouble. No wonder these kids turn to drugs, video games, all the different things that they've now grabbed onto, they've isolated themselves. The current, I think it's,

the millennials are the loneliest generation in history. The loneliest generation in American history is the millennials. How is that possible? With all the connectivity, with all the programs, the community things, the sports, all the different things that they have at their disposal to meet and mix with people, they're the loneliest. And I think it's because they have no idea how to deal with even the smallest struggle in their life. So they turtle up and they don't want anyone to know because, God forbid, someone knows I'm going through something hard or I failed or whatever. and they become these little isolated versions of themselves and they have no skills to actually deal with that feeling.

But remember, it's not the millennials. It's the parents of the millennials. Yes, agree. So I think society and including us sometimes, we blame the millennials. But remember, that's parenting. Yeah. And that's something that's not talked nearly enough, right?

Because parents are protecting their kids, even with school teachers, it's amazing. Do you really believe your kid came home from high school or came home from eighth grade and little Johnny did nothing wrong and just got a detention? And the teacher just had it out for that person.

Come on. Do you really think that? But there's parents that really think that. Rather than sitting little Johnny down and say, I want to know the truth. This is what the teacher says. I want to know. Did it really happen like that?

And when they tell you a fib, are you sure you don't want to, Because we're going to go sit down with the teacher and you. And it's amazing when you get the truth, right? Rather than just taking the side and saying the teacher's out targeting little Johnny. And my kid would never do that. Hey, my kids made mistakes. Your kids are going to make mistakes.

Let's teach them how to own their mistakes rather than protecting them from them and blaming it on the teacher or on the coach. Hey, I thank the coach every time I see him when we're traveling at AAU. my son is where he is today because you basically told him he has no shot at ever playing high school basketball. Boy, were you wrong? But I was grateful that you put that in his head. I can't protect him. I did tell him you're not good enough to make the team.

That was hard to tell him the truth. But that's true love. If you love your kids, just like if you love your friends, you're going to be truthful with them. Why do we live in a society that we're afraid to offend everybody? you really don't love people if you're not going to tell them. If somebody hurt you, you're going to run from it? That's what we do today. That's what society says.

Oh, I'm offended by that. We're offended by everything. I want people, and as I always told you, Ryan, we're friends. If you love me, you'll tell me the truth, even if it hurts. That's love. Jordan Peterson, one of his, it was the Utah event that you invited me. to. So at the Utah event that we went to for Sean Whalen's Alliance then event, Jordan Peterson was a keynote speaker. And I'd say vast majority of that talk was about one topic. Tell the truth.

And his point was the only way for us to live in reality is if we tell the truth. That's it. Think about your relationship with your spouse or your partner or a loved one. The challenges that you face, the disagreements are most often because you have not told the truth about what you really want. True. And then friction creates and regret and resentment and bitterness because you didn't tell that person, look, for my mental health, I need to go fishing once a week and you got to deal with it or whatever. So you don't go do the thing you want to do or you don't say the things you want to say. And then all this tension builds up because you haven't been living in reality.

with this person. And that person is only responding to what you say to them, right? If I lie to you about something and then you respond per what I told you and I don't like that response, that's not your fault. That's my fault. It is. Because you can only respond. You can't read my mind.

You can only respond to what I say to you and the things that I do. So if I am false in my actions and in my words, your response is not your fault. Your response is my fault. And that idea, we think we're doing favors for people by not telling the truth. We're not doing them any favors. Not at all. And it's one of the biggest lessons that I learned in my marriage and now in the relationship that I have with the one that I was talking about before.

I'm 100% who, you know, in my marriage, I thought the right thing to do was get along. say what needed to be said, do what needed to be done to get along for the betterment of the family. And a lot of bitterness and resentment was created because of that. And remember your kids see through that. And they see it. Even if they're young, they see that. And while, you know, I don't necessarily know that she and I were meant to be together long term, she's a good mother and we co-parent very well together.

But in my relationship that I have now, I'm 100% upfront and honest with her with the things that go on. The good and the bad. The bad, you know, if I do something. So you learn from failure. Yeah. You fail that marriage. Maybe you can say both of you fail that man. Right?

You fail that marriage. But you learn something so valuable that you're doing something very different in the relationship you are in today because of that failure. And the truth is between when I've been divorced and today, I had two other relationships in the middle. but by telling the truth very quickly, it was obvious that those were not relationships that would last because instead of, I could have tried to,

I could have been the person I was during my marriage and just got along to get along and they were perfectly fine humans and they could have had a nice time. But I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with, as we all, I believe we all should, and I wanted to live in reality and I wanted that person And it's, you know, those weren't failed relationships.

They just, that's not the person that you're supposed to be with. It's definition of insanity, doing this same thing and expecting a different result. Yeah. You can't do the same thing. And you chose not to. Yeah. It's, it's this, this idea of telling the truth is something that as a people pleaser, I've had to come to grips with the fact that people pleaser because they're,

that can have very negative connotations. It can be a positive. Yeah. Allows me to be a good sales. person and allows me to be a good leader at times because I am empathetic in that way. But there's a toxic side of that. And I believe, and this is going to lead into my next question, I want to transition out of some of the parenting stuff and talk more about the individuals who are watching and how we

can live our own lives better. There's this concept that I was exposed to called toxic empathy in which, and I think this is the case for most liberals. I think most liberals and their viewpoints and how they're willing to accept autocratic and authoritarian ideas in the name of doing what's right by people is this idea of toxic empathy. And that's the way it's positioned. We do want every man, woman, child to have equal rights. We don't want there to be things like discrimination and racism and sexism. I think you and I both agree these are horrible things.

And honestly, the answer to me is always capitalism because, If you're a true pure capitalist, you're only going to want to work with the best and what color their skin is or who they have sex with is meaningless. It's just who, you know, who is the best fit for your company. And honestly, I think I find the people that see this top, see ideas as, although I 100% believe, understand and know they still exist today, ideas like racism to be just so insane are athletes. because when you're on a sports team, you don't care what that other person is. If they got your back and they're pushing the same direction as you, it's like you don't even see it. You don't even care. It's, you know, so I think my, coming back to what I believe here is that we've developed this idea of toxic empathy.

We've, we're willing to do things that long term have very negative ramifications for both us as individuals and our society in the name of trying to be empathetic to certain humans. Okay. So with that table set, you wrote, modern culture normalizes mediocrity. My take on that line when I first read it was that it's possible our desire to be empathetic and to equalize our world

has, is the catalyst of that. one do you agree with that and two build upon it as to your case for why our society has normalized mediocrity because i 100% agree i wish i knew the reason why i think humans and i'll go back to a really simple philosophy that i believe in is is that have you and i ask people all the time it's a really stupid example, but my kids laugh at me because their friends laugh at me. When you go to the grocery store, where do you try to park? Closest to the entry? Why? Because our mind is, its purpose is to keep us comfortable. And keeping us comfortable is a form of laziness. So if you're in my car going to the grocery store, we're going to park the farthest of,

away from the grocery store. I put that example in the book, why? Because it says a lot. How many people do you go to a grocery store that you see? I've seen acquaintances that I know, park in handicapped spots, and they're not handicapped. That's how close they want to get. That's their mind telling them,

we've got to stay comfortable, we can't walk more than 10 feet to get to that front door. Why do we do that? And why is it okay? I tell my kids all the time, I pray for a hard life. And I pray for a hard life for you. Because an easy life isn't worth living. But our mind wants to keep us easy.

So I challenge not only my kids, but people to do something out of the order. And next time you go to a grocery store, your mind's going to tell you to park close. It's instinctive. You're doing it automatically. Go to the mall, park the farthest away. Like at Christmas when people go to the mall, they have to park. But there's nobody in the parking lot. Park the farthest away.

See what your kids or your wife, your friends. See what your own minds says. Why am I doing this? It's the opposite way we're thinking. So I think a lot of it has to do is our mindset, number one. And I think a lot of it has to do is education. I think teachers, and I'm not, just saying like teachers, teachers, but coaches are a form of teachers. We're teaching the wrong

mentality to kids, right? We lose a game. We blame the ref. We didn't lose the game because the ref made a bad call. He or she is a human. They missed the call. We lost the game. Why? Let's look at the real reason we lost the game. You ever see, he said, somebody missed a free throw, and we lost the game because we didn't shoot free throw as well. Well, there's, well, we could have played better defense. We could have got more rebounds. What's the real reason? Why is our mindset really the way it is?

Is it modern society teaching us? Is it coaches? Is it teachers teaching us? Or is it our mindset? And I would challenge because I think it's a combination of both. And why I say what I said in that is I challenge my kids. What's the easy way? What's the hardest way?

choose the hardest way. My son is adamant that he loves to study an hour or two hours before the exam, because it's easy for him. I challenge him. Hey, you've got to test on Monday. When you come home, I'm going to work out with you in basketball. When you come home at 7 o'clock, we're going to be home, you're going to study. He doesn't like doing that.

That's against the way he is. My daughter is opposite. So I then challenge them. Hey, I'm going to take those books away from you to my daughter. you're going to study Sunday night. You know what she does? She panics because she's rigged differently, right? We do what we're comfortable with.

We're all rigged a little differently. But at the end of the day, we all have a piece of lazy in us. It's what I believe. That's why we do what we do when we go to the grocery store. When's the last time you took an elevator? Don't you have a rule about... I do. about walking upstairs.

I do. So we were in, um, um, um, we were in, um, Switzerland with my wife and,

uh, with other insurance people. And it was interesting seeing they're like, you're leaving your wife? Yeah, she's getting in the elevator. I'm taking the stairs. And I tell the story is because people look at me a little crazy and I said,

that's the easy road. I want to take the hard road. Because what's your mindset set? Oh, I'm going to get in the elevator. How many people, the next time you go, anywhere, don't take the elevator, take the stairs. I've done this for a long time. I was in Hawaii with my best friend on a company trip, right?

We were with an insurance company and my wife couldn't come. And I said to my buddy, who's still one of my closest friends, we're going to take the stairs all day every day. We're on the 18th floor. It was amazing on how we changed our mindset because you're going to double check what you have, your cell phone, your ID, money, credit card. You always double check. It changed the way our patterns were for one reason. Because if we came down, we knew, and we forgot some,

we're going up 18 flights. Now, we average 34,000 steps a day. It's a hell of a lot of steps. But it changed our mentality from the day one to the end where we didn't forget anything because we were, We knew it was tough coming back up. So taking the stairs is the hard road. It's just the opposite of way we're thinking.

So have I taken elevators? I have. I still have weak moments. I can't tell you the last time I've took an elevator. It's been a long while. Even in the airport, I take the stairs. If there are stairs, we're going to take the stairs. Recently at Yankee Stadium, there was an escalator to stairs.

My daughter says, we were with another agent. friend and he's a little bigger guy. He's like, oh, I'm going to take the elevator. My daughter looked at him. Shouldn't take the elevator. That's the easy road. He took the elevator. We sat down.

We were eating ice cream. And my daughter said to him, if you took the stairs and you ate the ice cream, it's a little easier on the conscience than taking the escalator and then eating. And it was funny. The next day he texted me. He was like, yeah, she really got to me on that one.

Good. That means I. I got to her and she's going to get to people as, hey, let's think about before we take the escalator, let's think about why we should take the stairs. A little easier eating that ice cream, right? Discipline. It's all about discipline. Take the hard road. The hard road teaches us very valuable lessons about appreciation of whatever it might be. One common thing that I do and I have that it'll be six years in January is I fast. People think I'm a little weird when I Why do you fast?

Well, everybody fast 18 hours. No, I fast long term, a minimum of 48 hours, minimum of two days. Why do I do that? I do that because originally six years ago, I pick a topic for the year with my accountability coach, and six years ago, I put gratitude on the top. Every day, I want to become a more grateful human being. So I said, of all the things I can take from me to be grateful, I figured food. We take food for granted, right?

We all take food for granted. When you remove food out of, so just think every single week for almost six years, I only eat five days a week. It's amazing on how grateful I am for the food that's in front of me. And it's amazing come Saturday when I know. know Sunday I'm going to stop eating, how grateful I am for the food. Friday, on the other hand, it becomes distance. But come Saturday, I know I only have a few more hours that I'm eating before I'm not eating for a minimum of 48 hours. Well, that's changed how grateful I am on

appreciation of food, not only appreciation on food, how grateful I am and stay in focus just on the little things, for my eyesight, for being able to afford a car, all the little things we all take for granted. But it all started with removing the most important thing that we do every single day besides breathe. Eat. I think a lot of people would hear the example with the stairs and they would maybe pass that off as trite. That doesn't really matter. I'm hard work in person. and I think what I've taken from you over the years is the impact of that small activities, small hardships like taking the stairs at Yankee Stadium instead of the escalator, which is what, maybe two flights of stairs, that escalator gets you up?

Oh, it depends on high. We were in a box, so it was quite a few flights. And then we actually took an elevator because there was no more stairs in order to get to that special area, so I did take an elevator. We'll give you a pass on that one. But this type of activity, it leaks into other areas of your life. So when you make the mental decision, you're staring at the escalator and the stairs. And you say, easy way, hard way.

Hard way. Boom. You walk up. Okay, great. And then later that day, someone pushes a basket full of cookies in front of you. And you're like, um, grapes, cookies. I'm going to go with grapes. Easy way, hard way.

Okay, big grapes. And then a big decision hits. What many people don't realize is psychologically, those two hard decisions that you made. So maybe it's stairs to the meeting, grapes in the middle of the meeting instead of cookies, and now all of a sudden, now all of a sudden you have to decide between a hard business decision

or an easy business decision. You're going to make, it's going to be easier to make the hard decision. Absolutely. Despite this could be life-changing business decision. But the decision to take the stairs, the decision to choose the healthy option over the sugar-filled option,

those two hard decisions, your brain doesn't know the difference. Your brain doesn't go, this is a low-level hard decision and this is a high-level hard decision. Your brain is binary in this way. Do you do what's difficult? but necessary or do you take the easy option?

And when that big decision comes, you have prepared your brain to make the tough decision that's necessary and not take the easy way out. Not because you've made 100 decisions of that magnitude, but because you made 100 micro decisions throughout your day, week, month, life that led you to the ability to make that hard decision.

No question. If you're eating cookies and cakes and not working out and not telling the truth and then some incredibly difficult hard decision gets placed in front of you, your brain doesn't know how to process it because you've always chosen the easy way. And we do not give these micro actions enough. And when you look at someone like a David Goggins or... Well, you know what David Goggins says. You've got to harden that shell, right?

And the one piece that I should have stated when it comes to the elevator versus the stairs, I am only training my mind to think abnormally. Because if we asked 100 people right now that came in through the main entrance, there's an elevator for five flights or they see the five flights of stairs, all 100 are going to take the elevator. Would you agree? Arguably there might be one. And if I'm in that group, I'm going to be that one.

because I'm training the mind to think opposite of what it wants, because it's trying to keep us comfortable. That's the real reason why I do it. I don't want my mind to make the decisions for me. It's making easy decisions which are bad decisions for me. All the time. You see a nice bowl of ice cream. It's only one bowl of ice cream with some hot fudge, this and that.

It's only one bowl. Isn't that what our mind tells us? No big deal. But discipline's going to tell you, like I tell myself, done. Discipline's going to say, as I'll never forget our college coach, when you make the decision to go out and drink during the season, he says, the average kid in this room is going to go drink eight beers, however many beers he stated. He says, do you realize you just lost your last five workouts? You just threw away the last five workouts. So you just worked your tail off for

five days, prepping for a game. You just had one night out of partying of enjoyment. You just ruined the last five workouts. I still think of those comments because he used to pound that into us. Yes, it's great to go out. Why not leave the alcohol out? You want to go to the club and dance and meet girls? That's great.

But you know what you? Leave the alcohol out, right? That's discipline. Yeah. And, you know, the funny part about alcohol, in particular and its impact on our decision making or our decisions around alcohol in September of last year so just about a year ago I did 75 hard for the first time so 75 hard for anyone who's listening or watching who doesn't understand the program

it's a mental toughness program to work out today 45 minutes a piece minimum one of them has to be outside no alcohol read 10 pages of a book you have to stick to a diet they don't specify the diet, but you have to pick a diet that's healthy and productive and stick to that. And you have to take a picture of yourself every day to track your progress. Very simple. That's it. That's the whole program. But you got to do it for 75 days in a row. And when I went in, I thought the alcohol was going to be the hardest part because I enjoy having drinks. I don't drink a lot, but in moderation, but I do enjoy it.

And I was like, I thought that was going to be the hardest part. Oh, a gallon of water too, I forgot. And what I found was, so I'm going to speaking gigs, work functions, personal functions, where alcohol would normally be part of what I would do. And instead, I'd go get a bubble water or whatever, a seltzer or something or cranberry seltzer and stand there and drink it or just a glass of water. I tried to non-alcohol if I didn't really like to taste. guess what?

People don't give a shit. They don't. People don't give a shit whether you drink or not at a party. They don't care. Agreed. And frankly, if someone honestly does care, like really cares and doesn't just bust your ball. I mean, a lot of people bust my balls, but they didn't really care, you know, after they got their little ribbing in and we just moved on. The ones that do care, those aren't your friends.

No question. Those aren't your friends. How better did you feel? Oh, I felt amazing. Yeah, I felt amazing. I felt amazing. I'm probably going to do it again. I want to do it with a friend this time.

So I've been kind of, I may actually do it with my girlfriend. I've been talking to her a little bad. She has done it in the past as well. And what was the hardest part for you? A gallon of water. A gallon of water was the hardest part. Mostly just because I just, I didn't drink a ton of water. I drank water, but it wasn't part of my routine.

A gallon's a lot of water. gallons a lot of water. And I'll tell you what broke me was I was traveling and I wasn't drinking water on the plane, which I should have been doing. And I got home at 1115 and it only had about a quarter of a gallon. So for the next 45 minutes, because this all has to be done by midnight, I had to pound three quarters of a gallon of water. And that was such a terrible night.

And then you were up all night. I was like up five times to go to the bathroom. And I was like, you know what? That's never going to happen again. Now, the flip side is I now drink almost a gallon of water before 10 a.m. every day. It's the water changed my life. Sure. It's, I've learned from it.

I now put like element in the water and get my sodium and minerals and stuff. What was the easiest part? Easiest part was the alcohol. Even easier than reading. Yeah, reading. I guess, I guess I read every day anyway. Yeah. Well, that was my point.

Yeah, yeah. That one was so easy. But if you look at society, and I'm not, we're just going to, we're going to group society as a whole. I bet you reading will be one of those things that would torment most people. Could be, yeah. Yeah. And the other thing is, is working out twice a day. One inside, one outside.

Yeah. Right. Especially in New England, if you're in the cold. Yep. That was, that focus. Yeah, I had, there was a rainstorm in November. So it's mid-50s at best pouring rain, which was probably, which was freezing cold. I'm out there doing laps around my building for 45 minutes.

My kids were in the apartment that I was living in at the time. And, you know, so I didn't want to go too far. So I'm literally just walking loops around my building. And I did every, I did it with a ruck vest. So I used to wear a 40 pounds. So my outdoor workout every day was a 40-pound ruck vest walk. And I usually walk for an hour, not the, not 45, but that was my outdoor workout every day. So I'm just walking, neighbors are coming in.

They're giving me weird looks. One guy's like, what the hell are you doing? I'm like, 75 hard. I don't even know if he knew what it meant, but he was just like, okay, you went inside. I think what I took from 75 hard as a kind of tangential lesson was how little people give a fuck about what you do. It's weird. Doing that program is weird. It also, because of the guy that created,

and a lot of misrepresentations of him has this like bro culture kind of idea like a lot of young guys and strong you know kind of like more more masculine workout guys tend to tend to do the program and it is tough I mean two workouts a day is tough but I hit my all-time deadlift record 465 pounds I I only lost like five pounds weight but I felt amazing I read three three full books, four books in that time period. Skin was better. Brain was like, like, you get about to a day 20 and you're like, oh my God, I'm smarter than I thought I was.

Yeah. Like all of a sudden that fog from the sugar, because my diet was basically just no sugar. I ate pretty good in general. So, but I do, you know, you'll have, like you say, ice cream or something, you know, whatever once in a while. and I was like my diet is basically to be relatively the same. I tried to scope a few things, but I was like, no fucking sugar.

I'm getting the sugar out. And without the sugar and without the alcohol, it was like this veil that I didn't know existed, lifted from in front of my face. And I was seeing the world so clearly. And my mind was so snappy, like just bam, just pop. And you're like, ooh, I haven't felt that way in a long time. And I actually went 79 days. In the last four days, I called Fuck You Days.

Because I didn't want to be the guy that just ended at 75. I think that's key in anything. Even on your workout, if it calls for 40 minutes, always do one extra. Even if it's one minute, five minutes. If you're doing a set of 20 push-ups, do 21. If you're doing a set of 20 sit-ups, do 21. Always try to do a little bit more. Ed Milet has a phenomenal book on this.

Trains the brain. called The Power of One More. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend. Ed, Edel, Ed, Ed, My Light is an awesome guy, a very popular podcast, business guy. He has a book called The Power of One More. And while you can basically get the gist of the book off the title, there's so much good stuff inside around what it takes and why it's so important to do one more. It's like the micro lessons that we talked about.

it's like the micro lessons where the micro hard decisions when you do one more then what happens is one more isn't enough then you do two more then you do three more then you run instead of running an extra half mile you run an extra mile now all of a sudden run two extra miles

and the reason that this is important goes back to the original question of why has modern culture in society, normalized mediocrity, all of a sudden, your mediocre is so much higher than everyone else's. Everyone's. So when you have a mediocre day, which we all do, we all have days where we just, for whatever reason, it's not our best day.

But that bar is so much higher than the average person that we have to compete against on a day-to-day basis. And if you're not making the hard micro decisions and you're not doing one more in every instance that you possibly can, then your bar is the same as everyone else's. And then when you look around and wonder why you don't have the life you want and there's no joy, passion, there's no meaning, fulfillment, these things that actually matter. I hate the idea of happiness. I think happiness is. Happiness to me is like sugar. It's a drug we've been sold that is not good for us. Searching for happiness is insane

because it's so fleeting and it's so trivial and what we really want is joy. Because if you've ever felt real joy, compare that to when you were happy. I watched a funny show last night on TV before I went to bed. I was happy. It was, you know,

it's funny. You're laughing. But then a week ago, when I was on vacation in Turks and Caicos, with a woman that I really care about, and we're sharing a moment on the beach with each other in perfect silence,

staring at this beautiful place, I was in joy, and how do you compare those two? So are you searching for a laugh on the couch? Or are you searching for a moment that you will remember for the rest of your life of someone that you care about? So happy, and that's, to me,

that's like sugar and our food and all these different things. So if you, if you're listening, listening to this and you want to, you're not happy with where you are, right? That's, I see people reading this book and taking on this mentality who know there's more inside them, who want to be something and they're not there yet. There are actions that you can take.

Make the hard micro decisions. Tell the truth. Do one more in every instance. and say you can. And I want to finish our conversation with a topic that you mentioned earlier. We were talking a lot before we went live. And it's this idea of being present. I've read the untangled or the untethered soul by Michael Singer. I read, I just finished about two weeks ago, The Power of Now by Eckertoli. And I have another book on presence that is on my shelf right now as well. And talk about regret. I feel an immense amount of regret that I didn't learn

the power of presence and being present in the moment earlier in my life. I wish I did. I feel like there are vast swathes of my life in which I was constantly living in the future of the past. And now I try to cultivate every moment as present as I can possibly be. And it's changed who I am as a person, it's allowed me to feel real, true gratitude in moments because I'm here right now. Sure. If you're living in the future, you can't be grateful for what you're in right now. I am so grateful that I get to spend time with one of my best friends, someone who I respect the hell out of who's been both a mentor and an investor and a company of mine and someone who I've

learned so much from and I respect it. I get to be here and spend three hours. I know how busy a person you are. You know how grateful I am? I get to spend this moment with you because I'm here. I could be thinking, well, shit, I got, I actually have work I got to do when I get back to the office and my kids are going to be home. I got to go to baseball.

I can be thinking about all these other things, but instead, I'm choosing to be right here with you right now. Talk to me about what presence means for you and how you cultivate being present in your own life. I think not only me and you just said it, I wish. I became more present and learned more about it at an earlier age. I think that's all of us. And unfortunately, that's one of those things.

As we age, we get wiser, right? I would agree with you. I only wish I was. And I think what hit me was my kids. And if you think about when my kids were younger, I was on the road speaking a tremendous amount. but what it taught me was when I was home, I was very present with them. I put the phone down, TV wasn't on.

That time was invaluable. And I think what my kids have done is it's brought that presence and staying present into my life that maybe I wouldn't have learned until maybe 10 years later. kids are 17 i can tell you they taught me a very valuable lesson just by arriving into my life i knew what i loved what true love was changed my life right i mean we talk about love right it's kind of like happiness and joy you say i would say i get married i love you forever that's a different love than when those kids were born i remember 943 946 july 8th I'm sorry, July 8th when I got married, July 24th. I'll never forget I was so present.

I remember that feeling. It was the most incredible feeling ever. But staying present allows us so much more. I actually think staying present is a huge part of knowing that we're free. Like we talk about freedom. Oh, we can move around through the country. Some countries you can't move. That's freedom.

That's not really freedom. right i've read books about prisoners of war even though they were prisoners they got themselves to a mindset that they were free because they did not want their captures to to strip everything away from them and i think staying present is once you can really come in touch with being so focused that you're present that's when you're truly free and it's it's a tough topic because I think people say, I'm present, but are you really present? You'll have a feeling of that freedom, knowing that tonight, you know, like last night, I'm meeting my son, we're going to train, we're going to work, we're going to shoot hoops.

Every single pass, it's almost like it's in slow motion because I am so present with him that he wants to spend that time with me. just as you said, hey, we're spending time together. I agree because being able to be present, I know that I'm appreciative to spend time with you because we're going to get into topics and when we get into these topics and we dig deeper and deeper and deeper. I leave knowing that there's a spur of growth in my mind

because I'm going to drive home for two hours and I'm going to think about some of your answers to some of your questions or some of the answers to some of the questions that I then follow back up with you. Right? So I would assure you that reading books is an enormous opportunity for you to figure out earlier in life. That was a huge mistake I made.

I allowed teachers who used to say to me that I was terrible at reading and comprehension. If I told you how many times I was told I was terrible at it, why did it take when I hit 40 to say, for me to have freedom from what I was told. I was told by people, in my opinion, of authority at that time, that I was no good at something. I will assure you nobody will ever take a book away from me. Every single day I'm presently and have been in the last year and a half, two hours a day. Yes, they're audiobooks while I work out, but I refuse to allow anybody to tell me I'm terrible at

anything. And reading has changed my life. That's why I do bikes for reading for the schools, because I want kids to know that you can do anything and become anything you want to be through reading. You know, if you think about all the secrets, people say, oh, what's your secret sauce of success? Just read a book. Inside of somebody's book is the secret sauce. And there's a lot of secret sauces. That's why I'm a constant reader. And I once again feel free because my mind is always learning. You work out all the time. I work out all the time. But the most important muscle in our body is our brain. But we're not taught that. And when I challenged my son who challenged his PE teacher, I said, okay, you get in a bad accident and your brain dead. That's number one. This person over here

got in a bad accent and they're paralyzed. Who's still living? Well, my son says both. Yeah, you're right. But who's truly still living? He or she has a mind that he can still work or she can still work. Doesn't have the physical ability because it's paralyzed? This one that's brain dead.

Most important muscle in our head and our body is our head and is our brain. We should be working that out every single day. Yeah. The interesting part about reading, as much as you and I do, is what you start to see are patterns. And there are universal truths to meaning, purpose, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment. There are universal truths. And, you know, a lot of people, I think, who discount books, well, it's all just the same stuff. I've heard that.

I'm okay reading that being present is important over and over and over again. Me too. I'm okay reading that because what it does every time it builds, it makes the neuron in my brain that says be present thicker and thicker and thicker. Absolutely. Being present is easier and easier because I can go, this guy that I respect and admire was present. This gal that I respected admire, she was present, present, present, present, be present.

be present in the moment. Now all of a sudden, what am I'm going to be an asshole and these 10 people who've been highly successful and achieved all these great things and wonderful people. They were all present in their lives,

but I'm not going to cultivate that? Who am I? I can't expect to make a dent in the world if I can't live at least by the baseline things that these incredible people are telling me over and over and over again are the universal truths of success and fulfillment. And if you're not reading,

how do you gauge how do you gauge where you are in the world? How do you improve yourself? Now, I do think there's something to isolation as well. Something that I started doing is when I go for my ruck walks now, I started leaving my ear pods at home. Amazing what comes out of your brain. But if you're not putting anything in,

you ain't getting anything out. And that's the part that I found so incredible is all of a sudden these quotes from a book or a thought or something that I underlined in a book because I read. For some reason, my comprehension on audiobooks is next to zero,

but I have to read. But when I read, I terrorized the books. If anyone who is like a book purist came to my house, they would barf because my books are dog-eared and bent and damaged

and underlined. I have crazy notes written in them. And what I'll find is when I give myself moments of isolation, especially after reading. So I usually read for, first thing in the morning, try to get half hour, 45 minutes in a day at a minimum, and then try to work out.

If I don't work out in the morning, it's too hectic. I'll get in the afternoon. But whenever I get that Ruckwalk in and I don't have my ear pods in, all of a sudden these ideas that I didn't even know we're in there, I'll be like, oh, wait, Eckert totally said this about being present. And Michael Singer mentioned this part about being present. And Jordan Peterson, I saw this clip the other day, and he talked about it. And man, how they framed it.

all of a sudden I have this idea woven together that I wouldn't have made that connection if I didn't give myself that isolation. And in that isolation, if I wasn't present in the moment, if I'm on that walk just marinating on all the shit that's going on in my life or, you know, this project is behind schedule or, you know, this person's giving me crap and I'm not happy with this relation, if that's where my brain is at and I'm way out in the future, way out in the past, my mind is, is is not there. But if I can go on that walk and be present on that walk, listening to my footsteps,

looking at the scenery, watching what's going on, then all of a sudden it's like it's funny. Your brain goes, oh, wait, you actually give a shit about me. Here, here's some, I'm going to leak some stuff out on you. And the ideas that come in are crazy. I started walking in the notebook now. So I got a little pocket notebook. I'll have my, I bring my cell phone. I just don't bring my AirPods.

So I have my cell phone on this side of the ruck vest. And I put a little notebook in the, in the other. side of the ruck vest with a pen because all that things hit my brain and I'll be like got to write him down got to write it down like oh that's a that's a good one I want to do a video about that or I want to tell this to my kids or I just want to think and marinate on this thought a little bit but it always comes back to being present and the last thing I just want to talk about or mention that you said about freedom I don't know where I got this from but it's what I honestly believe we're all free all the time if we choose to be.

Because to me, freedom is actually freedom from an automatic response to something. So when you are present, when you have done hard things, when you've crafted this life that you're proud of, that has meaning and purpose, when something happens, You are completely free in your response to that thing. You are not responding out of fear. You're not responding out of some passion or emotional drive or regret or trying to just make someone happy because you feel like it's what you're supposed to do. When you've done this work, when you've become a civilized savage, you are free to respond to every situation exactly the way you want to. your soul, the way your soul wants to respond to that thing.

And that type of freedom is what you read about, say, in Man Search for Meaning, it's the type of freedom that can get you through anything. It's the type of freedom which allows you to act, you know, in a give-no-fuck's mentality. And I think it's the type of freedom that you and I are constantly searching for. And I think it's one of the many bonds that we share together. I would agree. Wholeheartedly.

and everybody should read the man's search. I mean, that's, it's, boy, he, he's hit a lot of people. He's helped a lot of people come present. He's helped a lot of people move them forward. I mean, it's a must read for everybody. Chris, I'm excited we did this. I'm sure we will do it again as we get closer to the launch of the book. For everyone who's listening at home,

if you want to get on the wait list and get some free research, We put together a historical list of people we view as civilized savages, quotes from them, breakdowns of those quotes. We also have 10 kind of rules for life that your father instilled in you and his father instilled in him and some of these ideas, generational ideas that have been passed to you that have guided you. So those free resources are there. Go to civilized savage book.com.

Civilized savage book.com. Again, we're looking for probably a spring, late spring, release of the book. I'm almost done with the with the full draft. But we'll get that out to editors pretty soon. We'll have tons more updates and free resources coming. But dude, I appreciate the hell out of you. This is, I haven't been as excited and like, you know, some of the delay recently has been on me and I said this to Chris before we went live

because I keep digging into these sections and then I get kind of enamored with them. And it just, you know, it's been incredible. We had 21 questions I was supposed to ask you. I think I asked you too, but I wanted to respectful at your time and of the audiences. And like I said, I'm sure we'll do this again. So thank you, my friend. Awesome. Hey, guys, I hope that you enjoyed that conversation with Chris.

I know I thoroughly enjoyed the time that I spent with him when I was actually having the conversation. If you want to learn more about the book, if you want to sign up for the wait list, again, go to civilized savage book. I'll have a link in the show notes, whether you're watching on YouTube or listening wherever you listen to podcasts. There'll be a link there as well. go to civilized savage book.com. Sign up, you'd be the first to know about the book when it goes live, free bonuses that we're going to do as well as free resources that we have available for you right now, excerpts of the book, as well as resources that we put together that support the content and the material.

As always, I love you for listening to this show. I appreciate the hell out of you and go out there and be a civilized savage. Let's go. Yeah, make it look. Make a look. Thank you for listening to the Ryan Hanley show. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a comment or review wherever you listen to podcasts. Game and a thing for me.

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