Fitzdog Radio - Ali Siddiq (Fitzdog Radio #1128) | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg sits down with Ali Siddiq for a sharp, wide-ranging conversation that blends comedy craft, fatherhood, prison politics, and mental health. Ali opens up about performing through a broken toe, battling panic attacks on the road, raising nine kids with wildly different personalities, and why he continues to independently release massively successful specials after repeated industry rejection. It’s funny, raw, opinionated, and full of the kind of honest storytelling that makes Ali one of the most compelling voices in stand-up today. Sponsors RULA Visit Rula.com/fitzdog to get started. That’s R-U-L-A dot com slash fitzdog TEMPO For a limited time, get SIXTY PERCENT OFF your first box. Go to TempoMeals.com/FITZDOG This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I'm sitting in the Green Lab Studios here in Hollywood, California, Hollywood Adjacents. I think you call this area Beverly Wood. And it's not the suburbs, but it's the center of podcasting right now because we've got some great podcasts coming up. Brad Williams is coming up. Neil Brennan, a bunch of people in New York that I'm going to go to New York and do. And today, of course, Ali Sadiq. Ali Sadiq. Not Ali, Ali Sadiq. Great dude. Had such a fun time with him last week.

And now we're sitting in sunny California. I'm going to the beach tomorrow. I'm going to ride some waves up in Malibu. Sorry. Sorry, East Coast. I know it sucks. You're shoveling. I see the videos. We get it. It sucks. It sucks. I didn't choose to stay there. I was born there. You know what I did? I bought a one-way ticket to a warm place, and I'm surrounded by good-looking people. My waitresses are fucking nines.

How's your waitress? All bundled up with a turtleneck. Anyway, I do remember, though, growing up in New York, the snowstorms, when you are a kid, and this isn't just New York, this is anywhere where it's cold. When you were a kid, And you hear that there may be a snow day the next day.

I can remember sitting in my bedroom looking out the window at 8 o'clock to 9 o'clock before bed. And the heating grate. We had blown hot air coming out of the heating grate. And I would sit there in my pajamas with the hot air blowing on me and I would see the flurries coming down. And I would get electric. I would think about is tomorrow going to be a snow day? and you couldn't even sleep. You just laid there.

And then finally, you woke up the next morning and you opened your eyes and you had to squint because the snow had blanketed everything in a bright white and the sunlight was reflecting into your room. And you looked outside and you could see the railing on the porch

had about nine inches of snow on it. And you just go, this is it. It's a snow day. But you didn't know. It's not official yet. You go downstairs, mom makes me my instant oatmeal with apples in it, and we got the AM radio on. And they start listing school closings. And they say, Mamarinac High School, Mamarinic Middle School, St. Teresa's Grammar School.

And you have to wait for Tarrytown Public Schools. And you would wait, and you're looking out the window at that white snow. And all of a sudden they would go, Tarrytown Public Schools, you go, yes! Yes! A snow day! And we would go outside, and my mom was cheap. We had no snowwear. I used to wear a denim jacket.

It was freezing. It had like a little bit of sheepskin inside of it. And converse sneakers, and she would put bread bags, plastic bread bags over my feet for when the snow melted, so my feet wouldn't get wet. And we would go out, and when we were about, 11 years old, we would get shovels and we would go around the neighborhood and we would shovel driveways for $5 a driveway. And we got our asses out the door because there was other kids in the neighborhood and you had to get there first. And we had shit shovels because my mother did not bother to buy us decent.

I had a spade. You know, like a garden spade that has a point at the front. That's how I was shoveling driveways in my converse with the breadbags on them. and we would walk around and me and my brother would just go at it. And I remember the Bailey's house one year, Mr. Mrs. Bailey. They were like 90. And they were worried that their roof was going to collapse because it had snowed like three storms in a row. They sent us up on their roof.

I'm 11. I'm on their roof with a garden spade hitting blocks of ice off their angled roof into the backyard and I slipped at one point and landed in a pile of snow on their back porch and they gave me $5. They're dead now. And then one day Rob Merseberger got a snowblower. He was a motorhead. He was one of those guys that had a mini bike and he made a go cart with a lawnmower engine on it. This motherfucker bought a snowblower. And he hit the neighborhood and he just took a He would get in and out of each driveway in 10 minutes. It was like Paul Bunyan, you know, and the guy with the axe.

And I got blown away. I couldn't keep up. I had my gardening, my little gardening shovel and my sandwich, my bread bags around my feet. So then we would just go and we would, we would sled. Once you earned it, then the afternoon it was about sledding. Me and my friends would sled. and there was this hill, there was a Catholic girls college up the street, and they used to chase us out of there because they didn't want his finger blasting the Catholic girls.

But we were 11. And so we would ride a sled down the hill, and we played tackle sledding, where everybody would form a line, and as you went down, they would dive at you and try to knock you off to sled. And Keith Pye was one kid, ended up playing college football, and he knocked my tooth out. Anyway, great weekend this past weekend. Thanks to everybody in Lexington, Kentucky, comedy off-Broadway coming out.

What great people. I'll tell you something. When I think about leaving L.A., Lexington, Kentucky is a strong contender of a place to live. People have a great sense of humor. I know it's kind of Bible-y, but I was going hard at them with the Christian stuff. We had no real issues. And the club is amazing. It's been around for so long.

Paul Riser's head. is on the wall signed. Paul, mad about you, riser. And mine's not. Meanwhile, there's dead comics. It's like, all right, there's a lot of black comics. I get it. You want to represent.

You over-represent it. If there's a dead black comic on the wall and I'm not, something's wrong. Happy Black History Month. Coming to you next in Houston at the punchline this weekend, February 26th through 28, Fort Worth, Texas at a hyenas, March 6th and 7th.

Then I'm coming to L.A. for St. Patrick's Day at the Improv, March 17th, Janesville, Wisconsin, Bakersfield, Escondito, Boston, New Hampshire, Maine. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets. Also want to ask you about how's your mental health right now? There's a lot of stuff going on with politics, maybe stuff in your personal life, maybe some childhood stuff. I tell everybody the best money you will spend is on some good talk therapy. Now I want to talk to you about Rula, RU-L-A, because what they do is they do an online sign-up

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com slash Fitzdog for 60% off your first box. Do it. going to love it. They sent me a bunch of free samples. It's probably the best meal delivery service I've ever experienced, and I've experienced them all. All right, my guest is an amazing guy, Alisa Dek. He's got so many specials. It kind of makes me feel like an underachiever. One was nominated for an NAACP Image Award this year for Outstanding Comedy Special. He independently produces all these specials. They're on YouTube.

He's got like tens of millions of views, 47 million views on this last one. And he's just a cool dude. He's been on before. And he's been in jail. And he's lived a tough life. He's super creative and prolific. And we had such an awesome talk.

You'll see. Why am I acting like it's going to be a long wait? Here is my talk with Ali Siddique. My guest is, is Ali Sadiq, who last time you were here. First of all, last time you were here, you came in fucking hard. Like, didn't want to say hi, nodded, grunted. And then as soon as the mics were on, this guy showed up.

The fun, the fun, Ali. Yeah, I'm not on until I'm on. Yeah. I think that's the thing about me. You're not getting paid until the mic is on. I'm pretty late back until I'm on. I know a lot of people come. Comics get judged a lot by what other comics do.

Right. You know, and I'm kind of different. So I'm just here until they say go. Right. But isn't it funny? Like, because I grew up in New York and there was a lot of these old-time Borsh Belt, you know the Borsh Belt comics, Hanny Youngman and Alan King and all that. those guys. And I mean, if you were in a room with them, it was joke, roast, street joke. Yeah. And they

were a life of the party. And they were kind of an extension of who they were on stage. But I think for us, it's more of like the stand-up is a craft or an art. And then when we're off, it's a little bit more like, you know, I want to be in my own space. I don't want to have to be on the spot. Yeah. I don't, if I was a painter, I'm not going to I always have the, once I put the brush down, I don't want to talk about colors. Right. I just want to just be me, you know, which is different from the stage, which is somewhat different from the stage.

Yeah. You know, because I'm entertaining on the stage. This is what I'm doing. Yeah. Once I'm off, I'm just, sometimes I don't want to talk. Yeah. You know, and I think the family, family doesn't understand that. Your family?

Yeah, my family doesn't understand that. Man, I've been talking for, I remember I did like maybe seven interviews in the same day. And then I came home and they were like, well, you want to talk? No, I don't. I've said everything. I don't want to talk about nothing. Yeah. Just give them the links to the interviews.

Do you want to talk to me? Listen to this. Life, me, though, I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want to hear my own voice. Right. I want to just stare at mayors of Kingston and, and that's it. CSI.

Is that your show? No. Law and Order. SVO. That's your show. It's like you have certain themes that run through all your specials and that's one of them. That comes up a lot.

Because I watch. You know, I've really been on Chicago Fire for a minute now too, but I don't never bring it up because it's always I'm going to be watching Law & Order. That's for you. Yeah. And it's creepy. It's dark, though, isn't it? It's something of it.

It's so crazy. Yeah. I gotta know what's going on. Uh-huh. It seems like it's not real, but it's so real. Like, I just want, like, I'm just waiting on the, ah, Epstein got to come up on there at some point. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's five seasons right there. That's sweepst week. They had 30 seasons now. They give them an extra five right there. Right. Right.

Yeah. Dude, who's going to make the first, you know, series about just Epstein? Like, when's that made-for-TV movie coming or that, you know, eight episode? It's going to start off with, why is Prince Andrews in town? He's not normally here. It's spring break in Florida? And if Prince is here? It's going to roll from there.

It's going to be crazy. Why is there a school? bus and a prince in the same space that seems then they're going to be like a mysterious man from Arkansas came in like I think about this how is he even how was he was okay somebody needs to interview Secret Service right because they had to be there right this is kind of like when Martin Luther King got killed okay if y'all was following him somebody knows something Yeah.

You know, it's no way and word at the CIA, I ain't know who killed Marlo's King. It's no, it's impossible. Right. They were there. They filed, they noted that they followed him everywhere. So, okay, you know, some, we're going to let him go to the hotel. Yeah. No, no, nobody goes.

Right. We're not going to follow. So. Not even a hotel is like a motel. Yeah. That he had never stayed in before, ever. Okay. So Bill Clinton, like, how was you on this island with no,

I thought they, okay, aren't you assigned some people? His daughter's assigned people. Never mind. Yeah, she's got three people. Don't you assign the people? Yeah. So it's somebody who knows something. It's somebody who was holding a jacket like, you know, we can't talk about this.

Yeah. You know, somebody knows something. A lot of people that know something. It's a lot of people. A thousand people on that island and not one of them is a whistleblower. That's the crazy part. And then they try to marginalize the, the, women and say that they're making shit up.

It's like, why would they make it up? They're getting death threats, their lives are ruined. Do you understand if I was on an island, I would be the, I would have been came for it. Like, the guy who, you see, I see me in all these strange pieces just trimming head just looking at everything, recording secretly with my secret phone in my pocket, like, no, no, no, no, this is definitely. Why is he in the massage room trimming hedges? Are these real trees in him? Like I don't speak English?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, why is he in the song with a sketch pad? Like, yo. Sketching? I would, like, I would sit down at the interview. Like, it's going to get messing. Like, I would tell. Somebody knows something.

I mean. My cleaning woman knows everything that's going on in his house, in my house. Yeah. Too much. Maria knows everything I asked her a question other day I was like hey

have you seen somebody coming she knows everything you pay her a little extra because she knows everything right it's impossible for nobody not to know anything

because it's not yeah there's gardeners there's electricians there's people setting up the video equipment I'll tell you what there is a lot of video they haven't even talked

about the video yet what is the pot so no pilot wants to say who, man, come on now, it's a, it's a lady, because I love Southwest. I've been on eight flights with her. On Southwest. On Southwest. On Southwest, eight flights. She's a flight attendant? She's a flight attendant. Yeah. She knows, as soon as I come on her, she's like, Hey, Miss Ali. Like, I know her vacation plans. Yeah. She's like, hey, you know I'm not going be here next week. Where am I going? I'm like,

Hawaii. Like, she told me. Like, nobody wants to come forward. It's somebody. I just don't understand. And it's horrific because I have daughters. And anytime I think about people abusing somebody,

abusing women or kidnapping women, like, I'm really, I'm still in the streets because if my daughter get kidnapped, I'm probably going to be able to find and it's going to be bad. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I have, I have, I have, I have things in place for this. Yeah. Like, I, and I'm, I'm, I'm a more careful parent than a lot of people. Right. I don't, I don't take my eyes off my kids. I'm like, I'm Secret Service to my children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.

I say, if you want a problem, like, it's. I know, I see parents at the playground looking at their phones, reading a book. I'm like, your kid's right there. This is Central Park. stare at them. Crazy town. Right. And why would I be standing to them?

Because I watched Law & Order. It's here. It's in New York. Yeah, yeah, right. This happens here. My sister, she got this guy. She came to my parents one day and she was only like, you know, 10 years old or something. She's like, yeah, when I walk to the school bus, there's this really nice guy.

And he comes up, he's in a van. And he asks me my name. He's like really curious about me. And she couldn't tell my parents It's still what happened a few times My father fucking lost it Called the cops And

Cop picked the guy up See, your father's a nice guy Yeah Out of him like, yo, it's just Yeah Yeah Right Show me who we is

Yeah Just let me Just walk in front of me And just Just nod when it's When he comes up And that's when that's when he comes up And that's when

when I'm going to lose it. I watched something on the internet the other day, which I don't really get a lot of things off the internet, but this intrigued me. This old guy was sitting down with this 15-year-old girl, and her father walked up. He was like, yo, what are you doing with my daughter? And he's like, I'm just having a pizza.

I saw this. Yeah, and it was like, he was like... He was a big dude, too. Yeah, and he's like rattled. Like, I'm like, yeah. And I was like, I'm waiting on. I'm waiting on him to get socked, but they, you know, they just hit him with the paint thing, predile, whatever.

But I'm like, yo, I don't think I would be able to contain myself. I think it's the only situation where I would be capable of murder. And it wouldn't have to be my daughter either. If I knew somebody was an act of pedophile, here's a scenario. Pedophile, goes to jail, gets out. Now they would have to be dealt with because if there's a person. in jail, okay, they're away, but why isn't it a life sentence? Because the recidivism for child molesters is like 100%. You don't get fixed from that, especially from being in jail. So,

you don't want to be on tape saying that you would kill a pedophile in case it comes up because you've seen SUV too many times. SVU too many times. The thing is this, this is a very, like, sketchy thing for me because being in there with them, they keep them away from us. Oh, right, right. And they've always treated them like patience and they, and they constantly commit this same type of crime over and over again and they get out. Yeah. It's a weird thing, but they keep them away from us because they know we'll kill them. Right.

And like street justice is. different. Right. Like, you're not getting the sentence that you deserve. But for some reason, amongst men who have been incarcerated, they think that we don't have any honor. But you know that we have honor because if you put them in the same space with us, we're going to do what you decided not to do.

We want to give them a, it's not a life sentence. It's called an unlife sentence. Bring it about it. Come on down, you know that life you got? Let me get that. Let me get that life that you have. You know. What about guys that abuse women?

Do they get attacked in prison? A little bit. Not as much as with children. Not as much as, but if you, any type of rape or molestation, oh, you're done. That's it. You're done. Now, you and your old lady was fighting, you know what I'm saying? And that is not glorified, but it's not the same as, hey, maybe you could change.

I don't know. Yeah. This is a different. That's a sickness. Yeah. And I don't think that they look at it like that. Right. And then the other thing is, and that's looked over, it's a lot of men that have been molested.

Right. Right. And they cycle. Yeah, and it's a crazy thing. At some point, that it's got to get stopped. It like this, I was on the internet surfing, and somebody told me about something. I said, that's not true.

And it is true. It's some website where grown men solicit boys to date, and I forget the name of it, but it was weird. I'm like, what the hell is going on? Now I watch my sons. Like, I don't leave people alone with my son. Yeah. And then if it is, it's somebody else there that's responsible for watching him.

Mm-hmm. So nothing happened. You know, then you go into this thing where the guy at Penn State was molesting all of those boys. Then you got, oh, it's the Ohio wrestling team. Right. Gymnastics coach. a doctor that was doing all this mesh. Right.

You're like, man, what is the deal with people violating young people like this? Like, what is the fascination with it? Well, Ben, why is it just, I don't know if it's disproportionate, but it seems like there's a lot of billionaires that are into it because, and there was always like those rumors that there's billionaire chah molestation rings, you know, and now we go like, oh shit, that's real. It's almost like, remember when we were growing up, there'd be jokes about priests and altar boys. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, priest and an altar boy.

And then you realize, oh, it's not funny. That's real. Yeah. And it's the same thing we're realizing now. But do you think that these billionaires have access to so much and they have sex in so many different ways that so many different women that it's just the next thrill? I couldn't tell you because if I was a billionaire, I would come up with more things to do with women. You're a billionaire. No, I'm a strong

thousandaire. No, you're not. I don't know how much money you have, but you do a special every 13 minutes. You got to do one during this podcast, right? Do you have to do two specials in the next hour?

What is, what does you? You're just trying to make the rest of us feel like lazy pieces of shit? Is that your goal? No, I'm trying to get recognized as an independent. Because, you know, I'm never, I'm never talked about. No matter what I do, they never say anything about it.

It's true. They don't. They did that. I see all these lists come out of the top 100 comedians, top 200 comedians. I'm not blowing smoke up here, us because you're sitting here. You are one of the best comedians I've ever seen. Thank you. You are a gifted, you got the gift of storytelling.

I mean, I go back to Cosby to see somebody be able to sit down and draw people in and bring a stillness into the room. and in the next beat, be running across the stage, slide in your hard bottom shoes. I mean, it's like, and it's like there's this, I like to think like great storytellers have this understanding of energy. The way the crowd is feeling your energy,

it's almost like a conductor. Like you whip them up and then you bring it back down again. And it's like, you know, a lot of comedians like me. I just tell jokes. I tell a joke if it works. I do another joke. That one works. And then if it doesn't, after 60 minutes, I go get a fucking bagel backstage.

But like, you really, no, I can't say enough about you. If people haven't seen your specials, it's, you know, you're up there. Fun fact about sliding across in the red shoes. Yeah. Toad was broke. You broke your toe doing that? I broke my toe before then. No shit.

And then, well, just, you know, just comic tip. you shooting a special and you buy new shoes, just wear them a couple times before you're shooting in them because they don't give. Yeah. And then my toe was broke. I broke my baby toe. And I sprayed some numbing stuff on it that did not work. And I put my foot in it.

And as I was walking out there, it was like, okay, you notice how you say I come in, I'm grunting. And then the mic comes on. So this is the show. I am hobbling painfully up the steps going from the dressing room to get ready to be in position for them to start. And I'm, ah, ah, and then I'm just saying, I'll leave the deep. And then I'm like, eh. Yeah.

Yeah. Every step. I mean, it's like a football player. They say they're, when am I paying? I'm always playing in pain. Always. The pain was so crazy. Yeah.

And I was like... Do you ever find that like it helps in a way? Like when you are sick, when I'm sick, I have my best shows. When I'm depressed, I have my best shows. So, Dre, he's in the room. He, I had a hundred and four fever. Like I was sick. Yeah.

And but I had a show. So I was like, Jordan, it went, They say he was hung over it, but he had the flu or whatever. Oh, I remember that, yeah. I was like, Tray, just give me to the stage and I'll be good. So he got me to the stage. I sit down and I am, I'm visibly sick. Yeah.

And then I just start to try to work my way out of it. And I do the show, good, very good show. I thought I was amazing. And as soon as I stopped talking, I was back. sicker than I ever been. As soon as he got off stage. So it was crazy. Right.

So I had a panic attack. Never really had one of these before. In Pittsburgh. How long ago? Two years ago. Okay. I started having them, like, it would, like, one, one a year. And it was, like, nine years ago.

Then it kind of ramped up to, like, four in a year. Like, it was just out of nowhere, I feel boxed in. I feel like I can't breathe. It's like out of nowhere, right? So I started trying to figure out how to deal with it, you know. And I kind of want to do a show where I'm talking about me having a panic tech and what I do in the course of it because me talking to me is the funniest thing ever. I'm on the plane.

And I feel it, ramping up. And I'm like, ah. And the first thing, take my watch off, take my ring off. And I'm like, yeah. And I'm just, I can feel it. And then my mind says, hey, man, you can't breathe. And that's what my mind is saying. I cannot breathe.

But me talking to myself is like, so you can't breathe. Uh-huh. you've been you're still alive like how you can't breathe like I'm trying to talk myself out of it's like it's been like seven minutes right now like

you can hold your breath for seven minutes this is me talking to I'm talking to myself I'm like no no no no I cannot breathe like yeah yeah you can breathe because if not we had 15 minutes now sir like how is it the fact that you can't breathe

I'm like I'm trying to explain to you I cannot breathe. All right. So, okay, what are we going to do? I go in the bathroom and I'm, and which is a tighter space. Mm-hmm. But I'm splashing water on myself. And my mind is like, this is not working.

And I'm like, it's definitely working. But the conversation, and I'm really, they tell them, don't talk to yourself. But I'm like, I need this right now. They say don't talk to yourself. Yeah, people say, people say, people, like oh don't talk to yourself you crazy if you talk to yourself no i needed to have this conversation with my with my own mind like yo buddy you ready get it together yeah and so i got a cup of ice and i was just rubbing the ice cues on my face then i i came out of it right so then picksburg happens

and I'm in the green room and it starts to happen so I come into the showroom and the show Pittsburgh Improv is pretty big and I'm like, nah man it's getting tight I got to get out of here

and then my brain says you know what to do you need to get cold if you get cold you're going to be all right Yeah. It is probably five degrees outside. And it's a couple that was right by the door and I said, hey, I'm about to walk out this door when I knock on and just let me back in.

And he's like, Holly Sidique. I'm like, I'm not with that right now. I need to get outside. So I'm outside in a tank top, just an undershirt. And I am perfectly fine and I'm just walking in front of it. improv and I know I have maybe 20 minutes because the feature it just went on and I'm just walking and the first thing came on mind I hope um a cop somebody don't see me and think that something's wrong with me right right and if they try to put me in the car they try to arrest me and put my car

they're pretty much going to have to kill me because I'm not going to let it happen I know for facts I'm not going to let it happen yeah and I think about when people are in going through episodes of things that people may not understand. If they would have tried to handcuff me and put me in a car, I'd know if a fax it wouldn't have happened. Yeah. So about 18 minutes, I'm outside. I come knock on the door.

I'm still not all the way out of it, but I'm cold enough to be able to function. So when I walk on stage and people in Pittsburgh that was there at night, they were like, oh yeah, this is definitely a true story. because when I got on stage, I tried it. I was like, hey, yeah, I said, I got to be honest with y'all. I am in a crazy space in my head right now, and y'all are pretty much going to have to help me do this.

Yeah. Y'all going to have to help me because I want to run out of this building so bad. It's crazy. So it took me about 45 minutes. Look at that I was doing an hour and a half. It took me like 45 minutes to get out of it. and I just don't like being in that space. Right.

And that's like... But you trusted the crowd, and that's the thing. I had a similar experience where I have depression. And sometimes I'll sit in a hotel room with the lights out for an hour before the show, just going like, how am I going to do this? How the fuck am I? You know, because suddenly you've got to be the most fun guy in the room. I was like, I don't know how I get from A to B right now.

And I did the same thing. I walked on. I said, I'm fucking down. right now and I saw their eyes all go like like they leaned in they were like we got you you know and then you work your way through it and you realize this is like kind of I've put so much into stand-up comedy and it can it can give back you know it's a it's a living breathing symbiotic relationship with the audience where they care about you sometimes you know you hear the laughter and the clapping but there's more underneath it than you realize until you have a moment like what

you had. Yeah. Man, I've always said I'm going to go back to Pittsburgh no matter what, because that was, I really needed them. Yeah. It was, it was crazy. And then once you got off, you were good for the rest of the weekend?

I was good for the rest of the weekend. Yeah. And it was just, but it was just a bad, it's been, it's been bad sometimes. Like, I don't even know where it came from. Uh-huh. Like, yo, man, what type of- We're going from this when you started making it, nine years ago, right? What type of a guy, you know,

Like, why I didn't have this when I was broke? Mm-hmm. Like, it would have been better than, like, yo. Because you don't want to go back to broke. Yeah, maybe so. They say that. They say that that's, people have more fear once they make it because they just, they don't, they don't want to lose it. Oh, man.

I think that maybe I don't want to lose the, um, the ability to do it. Mm-hmm. The money is one thing, but the ability to actually perform and be able to do the craft. The craft is very important to me. Right. You know, and if I was a painter and I lost my hands, I would probably try to do my feet or my mouth or something. But as a comic, it's like the third most important thing in my whole entire life, you know. Kids?

Kids, mother, family, life, you know. Right. But that's all family, you know, together. But stand up, man. It's like my family, my health, stand up. Right, right. And they feed each other. You know, obviously you talk a lot about, I watch your special about your two sons.

And what's so great is that, you know, I have two kids too, and you always try to find that bridge between your family life and what's on stage and what you want to say, what you don't want to reveal about them, what's too personal. And you make fun of them, but the love comes through. Like at the end of it, even though you're saying that one of your sons is better than the other son, how did that go over? with your sons. Did you speak to them about it before they saw it? No. You just let them see it. They saw it and Hassan is so self-absorbed. I walked past this room one day and he was laughing. I walked in, oh, what you're laughing? He's talking about me. He was like, what you're laughing at you were talking about?

He was looking at the special laughing at me talking about him. So it's not him, it's me talking, but he's like, no, I'm laughing at me. But the underlying thing of it, I think I, and I say it, that it's, the two different versions of me. And that's what, when I look at them, my appreciation for them is because I've been Trey and now I'm more like Hassan. You know, so, and they're like they are

because of the example of me. Right. So I was very early on just hustling. and trying to figure it out and, and Trey is more like that, you know, I'm not,

I don't know what I want to do yet. So I'm all, I'm many jobs, many things going on. And then Hassan is like, man, I'm, I'm straight,

man, I don't, hey, no sweat off my back, you know, and. He's not as scrappy. Well,

because you say, Trey grew up in the neighborhood, you grew up. Yeah. He grew up in a tough neighborhood. and then Hassan has grown up in a negated community. Gated community. Hassan is, I came home and Hassan.

You lived in the gated community for about seven years, did you? Six. Um, hasan left his electric. It's $3,000 bike. This. It's an electric bike? Yeah. Nice one.

He just left it in the front. I came home and I'm like, yo man, what you got going on? You left his bike out here. And he was like, no one's going to say. going to steal it. It's everybody around here is well to do. Nobody to steal.

I'm like, yo, you wow, man. Like, but then I had to think about it. The bike has been left out before. Mm-hmm. And then nobody steals it. You know, it's not even that type of neighborhood. Mm-hmm.

If somebody, if somebody would, he's, it's more prone for somebody to put it up than take it. Yeah. I'm like, yo, I have your body. got plugged it up for you because mine was already charged. I polished it a little bit.

You needed some grease on the... It's like all his friends have them. Yeah. It's like, what... And he grows... He's so much different than me. He's so better. He's so better than me.

What's the gated community and the school like? Are you guys one of the few black families in the neighborhood? No. No. And he's home school. No, he's not. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, I saw him his home school. Damn. Yeah. Does he play sports with other kids? No, Hassan is in the band and he boxes. Oh, no shit. Yeah. He is at a gym with pros at 5 a.m. in the morning.

Same gym you go to? Same gym. Okay. Yep. Wow. And it has a better trainer than me. How old is he now? 15 now.

Damn. Yeah. Hassan has so many skills. If somebody looked at Hassan, he was like, yo, this little boy can do a lot. Like, Hassan, so we put him in hockey because he can ice skate.

Yeah. And he was like fast out there and I'm like, I don't think he really wanted to play. I think he just was out there for a little bit, did it, you know, I'm good at skating like an ice skate. Do I want to do it? I don't know. But Assam plays the tenor.

Tenor Sax? No, what was it? The drum. Oh. Timpani. Yeah, whatever it is called. Timpani, Timpani. What is it called?

It's a big drum? What is the drum, Dr. Timpani? Multi-tenor drum. Is it a marching band? Yeah. Oh, no shit. And then they're undefeated in battles that they've been in,

battles of the band. And they win the best tennis section. They'll win, you know, the whole thing. They said, are they playing and doing those crazy marching patterns at the same time? Yep. that's pretty cool he's on a team call

it's the Marching Thunder and what's his name Calvin Murphy you know Calvin Murphy basketball player has the record for most free throws

made in the season like 92 and he did like twice in a row you know Calvin Murphy pretty Hall of Famer he has a marching marching thunder

they used to play at the games but now they're in all these competitions and they win this is Houston Rockets yep they win

no kidding wow and but his his thing bread and butter is that left hand he got a meet he's softball

he got a mean left yeah so when he does he just spar or does he have actual fights he's sparring right I'm not letting him fight until he's six

Yeah, that's good. What about head injuries from boxing? You don't worry about that? I think once he gets 16, it'll be all right. And it's fine. I think most of that comes from just longevity of constantly doing it. Yeah. I don't think these kids should start that early as they start.

No, my son played soccer and they didn't let them head the ball until they got to be a certain age. Yeah, see, my oldest daughter played soccer. They couldn't head, she couldn't head. Yeah. Then she went to swimming. Yeah. You know, and swimming is a better sport. Right.

You know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Swimming is a much better sport. Swimming is the best sport you can do for your body. It's every muscle. There's no impact. It's just you're staring at a fucking bottom of a pool for three hours a day.

Like, I never got that. Like, you've got to have some kind of OCD to just be staring straight down. Every 15 seconds, you do a little flip, and then you're staring straight down again. She was a flyer. She was her best event. Oh, really? Yeah. I used to love to see her do to fly.

Uh-huh. It was awesome. And she swam for the high school team? High school, middle school, independent team. Uh-huh. And then she just stopped. She did. 11th grade.

Like, I'm done. She's going to have a healthy body for the rest of her life. But it was sweet, though. She became a lifeguard, right? So she was making plenty bread as a lifeguard just sitting there. Right. Like when she graduated, she had like $8,000 in her account. Uh-huh.

You know, just from life garden over the summer. Did she ever save anybody? Probably so. Hmm. She probably did. I don't know because I wasn't sitting at the pool with her. But she taught a lot of people to swim. I get a life gardening degree.

I save four people from death. For fucking death. I brought them back. That's pretty good. I saved my aunt. She was out in Atlantic City and it was the fall. and the waves got crazy and she got sucked out. She was about 74 years old.

And I swam out and I got her in the cross chest carry like I learned. Waves are crashed and pulled her in. And then I was in boogie boarding right here in Venice Beach and with my buddy. We went up on a big wave and then all sudden the wave just went straight down. And he went down and he landed on his head and he floated to the top, unconscious. And I grabbed him. I got the boogie board under him, dragged him in. and then there was another guy

also at Venice Beach who I didn't even know this guy just started screaming and there was no lifeguard around so I went out and I got this guy and he was trying to drag me down the thing about being a lifeguard is you got to get behind them

got to get behind them so I get after he tries to pull me down I swim under him I come up behind him and I dragged him in but I got halfway in and then all of a sudden the lifeguard boat comes out

and they see us and the lifeguard dives out and he comes up and he grabs the guy from me, and he comes into the shore. Now, everybody's fucking cheering for the lifeguard, they're videotaping it. I get sucked back into the wave. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I'm the hero.

He took my guy. That's my fucking guy. My safe. Being able to swim and being efficient, this is why I'm still here. Because in 24, I'm in Cabo. Yeah. Surfing. You're a surfer?

No, I can. No shit. Doing my thing and coming at wave, like you just described, wave comes straight down. Boom, I'm under. And I'm rolling in it, and it just crashes me to the surf. Yeah. And I hear a whole lot of cracking.

So I'm thinking my neck is broke, is what I'm thinking. But my clavicle is crushed. No. I broke two ribs and my clavicle was crushed and I cracked some of my teeth. It's so when I come up, I'm thinking it wasn't about myself. It was like, where's Hassan? Because Asan was with me. Oh, shit.

Where's Hassan? Yeah. Hassan is literally on the beach like, yo, what's wrong with you? And when I looked for Hassan, I looked and I looked this way. and this was fine but I looked this way and like this was up and I was like

I just turned away from it was like no if I don't see this not happening but it is it is completely like I have a huge scar to where they

because I'm getting ready to put this in this special how crazy it was and did you swim in with one arm and the waves are probably crashed on top of you Clabo is a dangerous current.

Yeah. It is. Wow. I was out there for like four days. And day four just went, it just went crazy. But I saw it. It was weird because I'm in the penthouse at the top, and I hear all this crashing.

And something told me, I was like, I came out on the back on there. It was like, oh, the surf is crazy. Yeah. So then I went out there, and I was like, yeah, this is going to be a good day. And I got our son out there. It's just dangerous. It's all I do. And there's all type of signs, don't go into water.

Right, right, right. But I'm like, whatever. I can swim. Where was your daughter to save you? She wasn't there? She wasn't there. Yeah. It was crazy.

Right. But she would have been, you know, she's a pretty, she's a chef now, so she owns a restaurant. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Rotto Market in Houston. Okay.

I'll be in Houston soon. get a meal there. Oh, 2310, Elgin, Elgin and Emancipation. What's it called again? Rotto, Rado, Rado. Okay. Market. Why is it called Rotto?

It's the historic El Dorado Barroom is upstairs. Okay. This is where all the great jazz musicians and blues musicians used to come through Houston back in the day. So at the bottom floor is the restaurant, but the ballroom is still upstairs. Got it. Landmark. Yeah.

So she's just called it Rotto Market. Wow. You know. feed in the community that's what she's there. That's nice. It's nice when they launch, isn't it? Yeah.

You know, my older son has launched. My daughter's on her way. But when he got his first, like, grown-up job and he went off my health insurance, because, you know, ever since they're little, like you said, you're fucking watching them every second. And then you're coaching them. You're trying to inspire them.

You're trying to keep him out of trouble. And, you know, and then he finishes college. And even when he graduated college, I was like, I'm not done. I'm not done yet. And then when he got that job and he called and said, Dad, I got my own insurance. This, like, pressure just like came off me.

I'm like, I did it, you know? Yeah. That's a big thing. Yeah. When you finally, when you feel like they finally good. Yeah. Like, oh, cool. She good.

And you feel like you did a good job. Then she throws another monkey wrench. She's like, she calls me. He's like, hey, what you got going on? Like, nothing was up. yeah I'm pregnant so I'm a big grandfather and I know she thought I was gonna be mad at first

or something to that nature but I'm basically excited for oh this just happened yeah this just happened congratulations December so wow you know so I'm pretty happy for she's happy yeah well and I'm just one thing that's trying to keep

her head that's a I felt responsible for that like her mom was zoning out but me I was like yo man you don't want a pregnant depressed woman yeah is what you don't right right so yeah no matter how I felt about it I was going to make sure that she was comfortable and you know you feel good cool I feel good to go by the restaurant just to rub on our stomach it's crazy yeah my dad just comes up here to rub my stomach you know just nice I'm waiting No, baby kid here. Yeah.

I have another little person to spoil. So how many kids do you have? Nine. Nine kids, and the youngest is... Five. And she's the oldest? She's the oldest girl. Oldest girl?

Yeah, Trey's the oldest. And he's what? 32. 32. Damn, you signed up for the extended package, huh? Yeah, man. You know, I don't think I can really function without kids. Mm-hmm.

I have to have something to do. Yeah. Have to. Right. A small person being in the house is the best. Yep. That's the best. I know you think about it like, you know, what else you're going to do?

You know, watch TV. Like, okay, I applaud empty nesters and all that. Okay, cool. But like, what do you have to do now? I know. And what you got going on? Like, to be out of the conversations about, you know, basketball and, football and honor roll and meeting their friends love meeting the friends because some of them

are like you see the good influences and you see the bad influences and sometimes you like the bad influences more they're the ones that are more interesting they're the ones that are getting you're getting a little bit of trouble you know it's like oh you're not going to hang with her alone and then yeah it's i don't know it's a it's a weird it's a weird thing that i don't think i can really function without she's been in the career. Well, she's going to have a lot of babysitters just with their siblings alone. Oh, her siblings not going to babysit. They're like, please.

Yeah. I'm living my life. You're not going to bog me down with a baby this early. Yeah, it might take a little while. That's just, that's me. I'm like, hey, you can bring the bed. I'm going to come get them, like, especially if I'm in town. Yeah.

Oh, man, soon as I get in town, man, let me grab my grandkids. You're going to be the Monday to Wednesday, grandfather. Oh, man. can't wait right can wait and if I can get them how early can they fly how early

we flew to Australia when my son was three months old Australia yeah crazy because he was my son breastfed for you ready for this

for two years oh that's that's about right yeah and so when you fly it's fucking easy no equipment just pop out of tit he starts crying

because his ears are stuck stuffed up, popping a tit, he sucks it right out. Yep. Goes to sleep on the breast milk. It's great. Healthyest kids. Yep. Healthy.

And women don't like doing it, but it's just the baby be the healthiest. Yeah, it's good for their antibodies. Good for everything. Like my kids are, they can't catch coronavirus or measles. They don't need any shots after two years on the tit. I could dunk my son in a bucket of AIDS. and he would be absolutely fun. He's got, he's Teflon.

They should take blood from my son and use it for vaccines for other kids. Oh, that's Hanan. Yeah. Hanon. Hanon is, she's like, she alerts to everything but can't get sick.

Oh, really? Yeah, she's like, Mr. Glass. Now, if you give her milk, it's a problem. Uh-huh. No dairy. And now she's with, I couldn't eat chicken at first. Yeah.

Like for 10 years. Couldn't eat chicken? No, allergic. I'm to massively allergic. No shit. To files, any type of file. She couldn't eat the egg. No, I'm talking about.

That's like an Irish guy being allergic to potatoes. It's like, it is insanity. Yeah. Like she could not, no chicken. No duck, no turkey, no eggs. She still can't eat fish. What would she get pains in her stomach? No, like breakout.

Like, man, like allergic. I've never heard of that before. Crazy. None. And she has wield herself. I remember she tried to eat chicken one time, baked chicken. And it was crazy. Yeah.

It was just crazy. Like, I was like, how nah, why did you even do that to yourself? She said, I just had to taste it. Yeah. And threw up, lips were huge. huge. Oh my God. Just all this wrecked.

It's like she had, um, we was somewhere one time, saying one or something. And she was playing with a crap forgetting that she's alerted to see food. Oh, I never thought of that. And so you'll see this picture. Like if I posted this picture, it's like all of the kids out there. And she's the only one with shades on. And because she has on shades, because her eyes are literally closed from all the swelling. and she still wanted to be out

and I just think about it she's such a beautiful kid but when she mess with seafood or chicken it is crazy so then I get a phone call that she is eating some chicken and nothing has happened

so it's like a couple more days nothing happened so then she ate chicken again nothing happened. For the last four months, she has been on a chicken terror. Yeah, she missed a lot of chickens. It's been 10 years.

Yeah. No chicken. And she is making up a lot of time. Oh, dude, I eat chicken probably twice a day because it's just there. It's chicken sandwiches. It's chicken lo-main. It's just fucking chicken and everything. Oh, she is chickening it up. Yeah. Yeah. And then we was at a restaurant and we ordered these double eggs and with the shrimp on top. She can't have that shrimp. So I was like, no, you want some devil egg?

She was like, sure, never had it before. Couldn't eat them. When I looked over, I had never even seen a person enjoy a devil egg this much. It's like in our mind, this is like so new. Like I can't, she can't believe it. Yeah. And she's like, well, I said, you're going to try a fish? She's like, let's not push it.

Yeah. Let's not push it. Yeah, one at a time. Yeah, one at the time. But, yeah. No nuts, though. No, no. If you want to see a person almost explode.

Yeah. A hazelnut, I think you're the killer. That's tough because then she goes to dinner at a friend's house. No, she knows. She knows. She's like, nah, her non is, because she's been allergic to stuff so long that she knows. Nana tells, you're like, no, I don't like that. Yeah, right.

You know, like, ah, my goodness. She breastfeed? For the shortest amount of time, everybody. Right, right. Yep. So Helena, Helena, she doesn't get sick a lot, but when she does, it's, we're going to the hospital. Like the flu? Like anything.

Yeah. Because she doesn't, it doesn't, she doesn't get sick. Yeah. But when she does. Right. Because her body's not used to it. Yeah. We're going to the emergency room.

Yeah. Right. It's crazy. Yeah. And she's the ice skater. No shit. Oh, yeah. Jesus.

How do you shuttle the kids to all these different things? Hey, it's not my job. You got an assistant? There's not, I got a wife. It's not my job. That's like, hey. That's, that's, that's, you know. hear that honey? Do you fucking hear what he just said? It's your job.

My job is to make sure that you have means to everything in your life that you want to do is your job to get there. I shouldn't even say this out loud, but I do sometimes get shit from my wife about, like we're painting the kitchen. There's no reason to paint the kitchen. There's not a scuff. There's not a mark. But she said it's been seven years. We should paint the what does time have to do with it? Look at the walls. The walls are fun. So now she's got a paint chip for this,

this puky color. I go, look at these colors. So we get in it, we never, we never fight. And we fucking got into it last night. And I, and she goes, well, I, this is my job. I get to decide this.

You know, like she, and I go, all right, well, if we're going to play that card, then let me be, let me be the man who just does the man stuff. stuff, but it's not like that. Good. This is how I said. I don't know why people don't want to be in roles. It's not my job to do anything in this house.

It's my job to get you the house. This is your house. You don't paint the kitchen. Don't involve. My thing is don't involve me in it. Just let me come home like, this kitchen is painting. That's it. I don't want to be involved.

I'm getting too involved is what you're saying. I should back off. It's not my thing. What am I doing? Why am I getting concerned? Do you do anything in now? I eat. That's it.

No, you know what I... Honey, you're the only one in the kitchen from now on. That's what Ali said. I don't wash dishes. I'm not trying to go in there and cook nothing. Really? And I'm the best cooking the house. But it's not my job.

Right. It's my job. Hey, do y'all have money for things? Mm-hmm. My job is to provide and protect. Stop asking me to interior decorate. Yeah. That's not in the sentence.

So that's never an issue. She never says... I don't care nothing about what's going on. My thing is, don't get robbed while you're trying to do something. Okay. That's the thing. Yo, I come in and you, okay, say you changing the bathroom. Like, what?

$12,000 for a guest bathroom? Are you crazy? Right. You're crazy. Like, they're, they're, they're, clearly hiking this up on you. Matter of fact, don't worry about it. Call Manuel.

Manuel, show him what you want. And we're like, uh, $4,000. Yeah. Be done in two weeks. Right. And I'm like, see? So I remember we was getting these closets done, right? This lady told her like $8,000 for these closets.

I was like, wow, that's crazy. I said, well, let me. I said, my hardest job to get her to get a second opinion, sometime a third. So the second opinion comes in. Everything that was on the first set of closets got everything and a little more for $4,000 with a warranty and everything. I said, and I'll do this a lot. See?

Yeah. And then you go back to the first person. and you go, hey, the second person came in, they said four. And then they'll either match it or do better. No, I don't even go back. Yeah. Because I already knew this was high-rate robbery from the beginning. Right.

My thing is your job is to protect my money as well. Yeah. The biggest thing, the biggest thing we fight about is, okay, if you go get five cucumbers, are you using five cucumbers? Are you checking around that? Are you using five cucumbers? I just want to know. Just break it down to me.

Are you using five cucumbers? Because what I know is you're probably going to use three cucumbers. And then I'm going to come in the kitchen and I'm going to go get something and there's going to be a cucumber soup somewhere in this thing. Because it's too rotten cucumbers that you never went back and used. It's going to be banana bread, cucumber soup. So just get three cucumbers. Mm-hmm. Period.

Yeah. Okay, are you using that cilantro today? Because if you're not using this today, don't buy it. Then I come in and it'll be some cilantro, it would be some parsley that's sitting in the back of the refrigerator that's black. Yeah. Like, and I do this. I go through the refrigerator and I put everything that's rotten. And I just wait until you walk in the kitchen.

I'm like, wow. I told you. I said, I asked you when were you going to make that leaked soup? I asked you. Yeah. And you said, I'm going to make a leaking potato soup. Okay. So that's a rot and leak right there.

The same, the very same one I asked you about. Yeah, right. And you bought two of them. Yeah. Because waste. You can't have waste. Now, I always look at it like when she wants to do a kitchen, I just think, all right, how much of me going on the road do I have to do? Like, you, you're making me go away from you because of this.

You can either have me and this bathroom or you can be alone in the bathroom with the colors you like. Yeah. Pick one. I mean, you don't have to worry about that. How much you think you're making a year right now? Million? Yeah. At least.

Plus. Yeah. Yeah. And then you got a business manager. You got an agent? No. Just a manager and a role manager. That's it.

Yeah, that's it. No lawyer you're paying 5% to, business manager, paying $5%. I have a lawyer that's on consignment per situation, but I don't even know what they have to do because I'm having no TV deals. Yeah. So I don't need you to read over that contract. Oh, I wanted to ask you, how come you put your stuff out on YouTube instead of on Netflix? Netflix don't like me. Get the fuck out of here.

Netflix didn't offer you a special? They have rejected every single special. we've ever shot. You get tens of millions of views on your specials. They hate me at Netflix. What? Crazy town. I have no reason.

I have no, I have no clue. That is insane. Netflix has, I'm talking about literally nothing to do with me. Whoa. I don't, and I have a Netflix account. I can't believe. I thought that it was like a creative decision to go, well, I'm going to YouTube. because then I own it and I can do what I want with it.

That decision came with Comedy Central, though, because I had posted a clip of my first special from Comedy Central on my Instagram and got flagged for copyrighted freshmen. So I just went indie after that. But my manager always sends the special to HBO and Netflix always, like, since Domino Effect. Okay. The things that they have said about the specials, I decline to even speak on it, but it hasn't been positive or good.

They turned down my two sons. They turn down every special. So you're a guy who packs a theater annihilates is a unique voice, has a unique backstory. story, what's missing? What are they looking for? I have no idea. They'd rather redo somebody with music cues than a project in the back. Right. Now, some of the shit you put on there, I shake my head and I go, I don't get this.

This guy's been doing it for six years. And, you know, there's a girl now who's on SNL, who has a big special they're promoting the shit out of. She'd been doing stand-up for about two years. I've been doing it for 35. Netflix never. And look, I'm not you. I'm just a fucking, you know, I'm a journeyman.

I'm just out there banging out sets for people that are eating chicken fingers. And, you know, I'm not a unique talent like you are. They're eating chicken fingers and popcorn. You know, I walked the theater after. Oh, I walk people too. After the show was over, I walked through the theater, right? And I was like, why there's so much food on the ground? like nachos and popcorn and M&Ms and stuff.

Like are they buying it to throw it on the ground? Right, right. I'm amazed of how much food. You can feed a small Tibetan village with all this food. I'm like, this is crazy. Not that I would feed them that. Well, because they're sitting in the... Well, that's because they're sitting in the dark.

and they're laughing and they're moving, shit's flying around. I bet you, I bet you, I was going to shit on a comedian, but like if so-and-so is on stage, but all the food would be. And they bow and the plates.

Yeah, there would be no problems. It's a weird dynamic. I don't shit-talk comedians. Do you? Not really. Publicly, you ever say anything bad about another comedian? I probably have. Let's both say one bad thing about another comedian right now.

Okay. Perfect. I'm with it. I'm going to say, who do I dislike? Because this is going to get clipped if I say it. It's going to get put out. Maybe we shouldn't do that. Let's talk about musicians we don't like.

Because I was ready. I could see that. I had my lock and loaded. All I know, and they special, they have a bunch of music. In the first eight minutes is music cues and the projecting the back showing people. I'm like, oh, wow, this is, this is, this is new. But they're going to label it one of the, oh, this is one of the greats. You're like, okay.

I know. So it's kind of like you almost don't want to be associated with that lane either. No, when they announced the 10 best specials of the year, I look at them and I go, seven of these are garbage. They're people that you say have a voice. And it's like, that's not a voice. That's either an accent. or, okay, you're from another country, great. Do your 20 years on stage and then we'll give you special.

I don't like foreigners. I said it. I didn't need one comedian. I can make fun of it. Not even one race. I say foreigners. Period. Everybody.

Get the fuck out. What if they all got out? Who's going to do all these jobs? Have you thought about that? I mean, you're down in Texas. There's no ice agents in Texas because it's a red state. They're leaving them alone. Florida, Texas, no ice agents.

But they're doing enough to scare them. Man, you know how long it's been taking to get my bathroom done at my other house? It's like, yo, I'm trying to, hey, I will come work at night. Man, you can't even see. All right. All right. Yeah, that's what I need you do. Out there cutting courts at night.

Disturbing the neighbors. With a Darth Vader, man. I will do it in the house. I don't want you cutting courts inside my house. Dude, how about the Pacific Palisades where there's thousands of homes that need to be rebuilt and there is nobody to do the work? What? They ran, you know, they're terrorizing people on the streets.

Man, they need to cut it out, man. This is a country built on foreign. This is foreign land for everyone. Yep. Besides the indigenous people of this country. Like, I never say, what is it? What does people call them Indian Americans? No, Native Americans.

I'm like, no, there was no Americans. It was just the natives. Yeah, right. The indigenous people of this land. Right. It was already people here. Right. And then people get so tight about it.

The people that came over here that said they discovered, they didn't even like other white people. So like how are you going to just be on their side? Yeah. Columbus wasn't like, he was a renegade. This man was, they wanted to kill him. Yeah. It's crazy.

Oh, they wanted to kill Columbus? Columbus wasn't no good. He was sent out. He wasn't sent out to find new land. He was like, yo, you're a pirate. Get out of here. I think he was trying to get to. Somewhere else.

But he wasn't even the first one. He wasn't even the first one with a boat. Right. No, Magellan. Magellan came over here. It's like they forget that Africa to Italy was the silk trade. They were on boats going. He wasn't even the first sailman.

Like, damn. People forget about history. History is crazy for people. Yeah. Like Hawaii, somebody said, you know how Hawaii became a part of America? I said probably the same damn way Mexico became. Mexico was huge. Yeah.

The Mexican territory was huge. It was Texas. It was Oklahoma. It was California. It was huge. Then it just start dwindling down to New Mexico. Like, how did that happen? Right.

It wasn't even apart. Like, man, this is a wild-ass place. Yeah, but I can't wait to get Greenland. That's going to be fucking. I'm going to get a time share. I'm going to spend a lot of time in Greenland. Who wants to go to Greenland? My daughter's going to go to Greenland Community College.

We're going to move the whole operation over there. Like, who just says, you know something? You know what I think I've been wanting, Greenland? It's like, it's like everybody has own Guam. No one of I even know who they are over there anymore. Greenland's going to be the same way. Yeah. What is in Greenland that is necessary?

Oh, no, no. They want the oil and the minerals. Okay, Texas is produced. But it's like down. mile under ice. I don't know how the fuck they're getting that. Texas produced 85% of America's oil. Yeah.

85. Uh-huh. We're, nobody in Texas is like, yo, we need Greenland. They don't want us in Greenland. Just like, we're good. We got oil. More oil than we need.

Hey, man, go down the street. Make a left. Yeah. Put an oil derrick right there. It's something. You can buy them at Walmart. Well, a little oil rigs for your backyard is right there. Fill your own car.

Forget charging an electric car. Put a rig in your backyard. Man, it is weird to be in it, to look at this administration and have some, I mean, we have a lot of other things that we could be doing. A lot of other things. Yeah. That would benefit everybody in this country versus going. I think he just has the desire to conquer something like he was doing on, you know, Epstein is gone. So he got to find something else to conquer.

Right. It was in. It likes silence. Yeah, he was over there. Mm-hmm. Dude, there is a million. They looked in the Epstein files. There's a million mentions of Donald Trump's name in the Epstein files.

But the weird thing, regardless of whatever somebody political party is, where is the outrage for it? For Epstein? For everybody that was involved. Yeah. Because in other countries, people, it's a fallout. Oh, dude, in India, they just, they're rioting because the prime minister was mentioned in the Epstein files. It's like, they're in the streets. Nobody's going to stand for it, but I think our moral compasses has been, you know, fading.

Yeah. So you're okay with, regardless of my political appetite, because I'm, unfortunately, I'm not a Democrat. and what people would think. But I have a problem with somebody who's supposed to be leading the country. I don't know anybody's kid that wanted to be president based upon this administration. And it's so diminishing to this. We are spiraling down as a community. You can't be on a race thing when you're in the country

that everybody looks at as like, what? Like, what y'all got going on? Y'all can't even decide on a real leader. You know what is it? Somebody that's going to advance. Like, what are the advancement that has happened in this administration on both terms? What is the advancement? Even with Biden, what is the advancement of the country?

This is a weird place. It should be no person here without health insurance in this country. Well, that's what Obama did. I mean, they've, he had the, he had Congress against them. The Republicans were, we're stopping them at every turn, and he's still got a health care program through. That's a legacy. And elderly people, and then they try to get rid of, and elderly people still die out of hunger in this country. And they want to get rid of Obamacare.

They haven't once laid out a plan to replace it. Not at all. They keep saying, oh, we're working on it. Well, then work on it and then replace Obamacare. Don't get rid of it first. So we're okay with being 36 in education? Yeah. 28th in science?

29th in math. We're okay with being support, but we got, what we have, what we want to go do is get Iceland and destroy their goddamn school system. Right. I'm saying, whatever they got going on. But the point is, man, we suck right now as a nation, but what we did, we decided to put a person in administration that doesn't know fucking business.

Yeah. This is a problem. As a businessman, I was like, yo, what? Mm-hmm. What are we doing as a, I don't give a damn about the political party. I'm talking about as a business person, I'm going to go and get somebody who has failed that business to run the business of the country.

Yeah. Asinine. And also, you don't run the country like you run a business. The way he runs things is he intimidates. He plays chicken. He bluffs. He obliterates. That's not what a leader of a country does. That's what you do when you're a real estate type. It's a different thing. We're supposed to be building coalitions and using, you know, soft diplomacy so that we can get people to care about America to do deals with us. They would have gave us Iceland. Right. Greenland. Greenland. Right. Iceland, nobody wants.

Oh, no. Iceland's got the hot checks. Have you seen the women from Greenland? Jesus. Oh. No, it probably, I said Iceland because I heard somebody say about the young girls in Iceland. I was like, what? Is that the thing?

Young girls in Iceland? Like, damn. Like, young girls. I'm like, hey, it's a, hey, man. Yeah, are we going to start that again? Like, what the hell, man? It's... I like an old girl.

I like... I like, my wife just turned 60. Give me an old Malaysian lady who has nothing else to do. Right. Malaysian. Chill. That's what I take. Yep.

Malaysian's a good call. A old Malaysian lady who, when she let her down her head, it's like Rapunzel. And she washes... She washes in a stream. She's got nice feet. Yeah. She assists my current wife. Yeah.

I'm old. I don't do nothing. So you're talking about doubling up. Your wife plus a Malaysian. Yeah. I like that. Get them to work as a team. Because you have three ways for one-night stands.

What about a three-way for life? For life. Wow. I wouldn't even do. You have to have. have like your own place so you go and be able to go, hey, I'm leaving, going over here. But I don't want any of it. You mean you leave the two of them in a house together?

No, no, they can't be in a house together. You have to have. So there's three houses? Yeah. You know, I have like four houses. You do? Yeah. All in Texas?

All in the, right down in different areas. Yeah? If I don't want to, if I can't make it home, we go to one of the house. Really? Do you buy your kids' houses? That's what the house is. or four. They're just young right now.

Right, right. When they get ready, you have a crib. Love it. You have, hey, then I'm going to build a nice little fortress on the three acres that I have. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's where it's going to really go off. A fortress? That sounds like it has guns.

No, I'm not going to need a gun. The wall that's going to be so high, and I have cane corso. So that's a, that's a big dog? That's a big dog. Uh-huh. He's a, he's a massive dog. Yeah. I'm going to get a couple of huge dogs.

And you jump my fans, you deal with them. I love it. You come anywhere about my house. You deal with them. Yeah. From McCallum Smith and Wesson. All right, listen, we're going to get to the end of the show, which is called Fastballs with Fits. Okay.

And then we're going to plug some dates. All right. Who's the worst opener you ever had on the road? I don't even know this guy's name. The club gave him to me. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, he is the worst. Like, yo, this is the worst person, like, ever.

Like, like, y'all, do the club believe in you? Like, why do they believe in you? Why would they get you to open for me? Yeah, what did I do wrong? They must know your honor. Would you just own the, what's my man name? I like him, too. Strups.

Dave Strupe. Dave Strupe. Columbus. Yeah. Yeah, he booked him. Yeah. Because he was in charge of the openers and what Dave Stroop just handed me a bombshell, a lemon. Yeah.

Did you keep him for the weekend? No. I was like, hey, man, you, how much they paying you? I got it. I can do two hours. Yeah, we don't. We don't need you. We don't need you.

Yeah. You know, I think what I did, no, what I did was did a relay because I didn't want him to go back up. before me, I was like, yo, you do your five minutes. We're going to cut you down to five. And then you bring him up. And then he brings me up. Yeah. You don't want to get that stink on you.

And I don't want to see you once. And also, you're not allowed in the green room. Oh, that's a given. Yeah. Green room is for the headliners. Right. Earned space. Yeah.

I don't like when the feature out or the MC shows up and he's got his girlfriend. And she likes to talk a lot. And she's in the green room. No. No. It's not there. It's not there. I don't know what disconnect has happened between people.

The green room, I've said this quite a bit, the green room is an earned space for the headliner. It's not for the feature. It's not for the host. If you came with me, then that's different. Right. But if you're not a part of the team, then you are not allowed in this green room. I don't want you breathing over. my food. I don't want your girlfriend in there.

Yeah. I'm saying? I don't want your backpack. I don't want anything to do with you in my space. I know you walk in in the backpack and the jacket is on the couch. And you're looking at the guy like, so what were your plan? What was your plan for me? Yeah. Now, I'm glad you got your shit all laid out for yourself. Where'd you want me to sit? I guess your hand line, your headlining. You're the headliner. It's like I never go in this.

At my home club, improv, Damon Wayne's. I'm, I'm, something happened with the person who was originally performed with him. They called me and I was flying into town. I was like, oh, okay, I'll come. No problem. So I'm there for two days, Saturday and Sunday. And this is my home club, Houston Improv. I never went in the green room.

Not one time. And then he sent somebody to come get me on the Sunday show. I came in the green room and he said, why do you never walk in here? I say because it's not my space. This is your space. This is your house for the weekend. This is your space. I don't come in here.

But this is your home club. I'll say, I get it. But I'm a throwback. This is, I have a healthy respect for this craft, so I know how it actually goes. Right. Now, when I was starting out, Damon Waynes came into the comedy connection. I started out in Boston. And he comes in, and I respected the green room.

He had a basketball. And he was in the green room bouncing a basketball because he was about to shoot a movie where he's a basketball player. I think it was called Celtic Pride or something. So he's bouncing a basketball and he come out in the hallway. So we actually ended up talking a lot. And he might invite me in because we kind of, we really clicked. And so at the end of the weekend, he goes, you know, I got a limo. He knew at that time I was living in New York, but I was up in Boston.

And he goes, he want to ride back to New York in my limo? And I was like, yeah, I said, that'd be amazing. Yeah. So I get in his limo after the show, Saturday night. We get in the limo at midnight. We get to New York at like four in the morning. And he drops me off. And then the next day I had to get on a bus and go back to Boston to get my car because I had a car. And I never told him that story because I've gotten to know him a little bit. I never told him that story. What makes you want to ride in a limo? You had a car. Damon Wayne? Are you shitting me? One of my favorite comics of all the time. All right, last question. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? I have to go back. Yeah, it's usually back.

Yeah, I'd go back years. Probably something about ladies do this and men do that. Yeah, yeah. So whack. Right. You know, or either is that, ladies do this and men do that, or either black men do this, White men do that.

There's something to that nature. Yeah. It's probably terrible. Name something that white guys do that black guys don't do. And then name something black guys do that white guys don't do. White guys write down questions for podcasts. And annoy this shit out of somebody. I've been on some horrible podcast before where there's no type of research.

Yeah. And this is white and black. You just got me in like, well, tell us about yourself. Go fuck yourself. Right. Like, with somebody else holding the mic? You know, you're like, terrible. Well, you're tough because I usually will watch somebody's specials before they come on.

But I didn't have a month and a half to watch your specials. So I watched the most recent two. And then I look up and I see you got two more coming. You already taped two more? You got two in the can right now that haven't come out yet? Three in the can. in the can. That was my favorite porn movie, actually.

Ali Sadieck, thank you for being here. Last time you came on, it was one of my favorite interviews, and you don't disappoint. I love talking to you. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, and tour date's coming up.

You can go to Ali Sadieik, which is A-L-I-S-A-D-D-I. S-I. No, It's not. It says, no, it says right here it's S-A.

S-I-D-I-Q. They had that totally wrong. Who did that? Me. February 20th in Newark, New Jersey. Hey, that sounds fun. Philly,

Houston at home. Then it'll be in, taping a special in Tyson, Virginia. Yeah. Okay. Haddiesburg or Haddieburg?

Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Tuscaloosa. Aspen, Denver, Vegas, OKC, El Paso, Fayetteville, tons more dates. Check out the website and check out the specials. The European tour was just launched. Really? Yeah.

Oh, that's fun. Berlin and Rutherdown, Amsterdam, Zurich, Oslo, Bergen, and Stockholm. Shit. Over the summer? I'm November. November. Okay. I was saying this would be a good time for me to plug that

because it's definitely this audience that they would be. Very international. Yeah. Yeah. You went to first time your children. It was three months. Australian. Australia.

Yeah. You know, somewhere over there. It's nice going overseas. It is. It's so fresh to them. Comedy is brand new to them. And they just are so fucking excited. They're like children.

It's like doing a show at a children's party. All right, thanks for being here. Thank you, man. We'll see you next time.