Fitzdog Radio - Annie Lederman - Episode 1114

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

Philly’s own Annie Lederman comes on for a hilarious episode that will be kicked off of YouTube. Tempo is offering my listeners 60% OFF your first box! http://TempoMeals.com/FITZDOG Follow Annie Lederman on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠@annielederman Watch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMe⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@GREGFITZSHOW⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@GREGFITZSIMMONS⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠FITZDOG.COM⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I am... Oh, I just came from my colonoscopy, and boy, is my asshole tired. I don't know how old my listeners are, but I think most of them are younger than me. Here's what you have to look forward to every. Well, my mom had colon cancer.

She's fine. She's fine. Oh, she's fine. My mom is fine. Actually, my mom was very beautiful. She won a beauty contest in the Bronx The Rose of Trelee pageants In the Bronx in like 19th fucking 66

I don't know how old I don't know what year it was but It was long to well I was born in 66 So she was born in 42 52 She was probably it was probably like the late 50s Anyway she was striking And um you know I didn't get my

Let's just say I didn't get my looks for my father, okay? And let's leave it at that. Actually, I did. I looked like my father. Anyway, the point is, I got my colon looked out this morning. What a transition that was. And it's not that bad. Everybody makes such a fucking big deal out of it.

My wife is acting like, oh, I'm going to hold your hand and we're going to get through it. And it's like, all right, so you don't eat for a day. I thought that would be hard. It wasn't hard at all. You just drink a lot of juice. And then you take these three bottles of calcium something and you just run to the bathroom constantly. And you shit, which I love. I love shitting. I'll say it. No one else is saying it. It's a good feeling. Does that make me gay? Because my rectum. being stimulated by hot, flowing water, makes me smile. It feels good. I mean, and here's the key. You can't go hard wipes because you go probably a dozen times. You have to run to the bathroom.

You can't go hard wipe on any of them. We have a bidet. Thank Lord Jesus Christ in heaven, who I believe invented the bidet. I think God created man. And then the oceans, what are the seven days? I think on the seventh day they say, God rested. No, he did not. He started to rest.

And then a light bulb went off and he invented that. He invented the light bulb. And then he invented the bidet. And he put the light bulb above the bidet so you could see how much came out when you blasted your little dirty asshole with water. We got the cold water bidet. We're not pussy. give me that cold after after you grunted out a number two it's hot back there i need a cold plunge i need a little i need a little uh i treat my asshole like it's a war protester in the

1960s hit it with the fucking hose baby i'll take it anyway so i go to this place my wife drops me off because you can't you can't drive home because they're going to put you under so my wife drops me off they have me put on this take off all your clothes and you put on a gown opens in the back and then you walk down the hallway into the room which is awkward because i'm holding the back of the gown i get to the i get to the uh room and i'm laying there with my ass hanging out and the anesthesiologist comes in and he and he picks up my chart he doesn't even look at me. He just picks up my chart, looks at my chart, smiles, and then whips his head up, and he goes, Fitzdog. And I was like, no, no, no. I don't want you to be a fan. I feel like I'm going

to lose a fan in the next hour. He tells me that he listens to the podcast. He listens to me every time I'm on Corolla. He's mentioning things from the show. It got a little bit, It was a bit much. Because my ass is hanging out. And then he starts looking at my chart going like, so you're on a lot of medications, huh? What's that all about? What are we small talking?

I go, I have depression. And he goes, you? I go, yes. Yes, I do. I do. Sorry to ruin your image of me as a professional fucking circus clown. But stand-up comics suffer from depression. And my assholes out, and it's breezy in here.

The fucking air conditioning is cranked. My dick is the size of an acorn. And I got this guy fanboying me. Then he brings me in the wrong room. Literally wheels me into the wrong operating room. And they start to hook me up. And then they look at the chart and they go, you're supposed to be in room four.

And so now I've already, like, done all my colonoscopy jokes with all the doctors. And now I've got to redo all my colonoscopy jokes. They wheel me in and they go, the lady goes, you can't drink for 12 hours, you can't drive a car for 12 hours. I go, well, when can I drink and drive? Big laugh. And then they go, we're going to use the propofal on you.

I said, oh, fantastic. Will you put a leather jacket on me and play thriller? Big laugh. I'm killing in there, and then they wheel me out. I'm not going to redo the bit. I'm not that comic. I do my colonoscopy bits once. So now I've got to go to a new room

and just act like a regular guy. I got no material left. And then there was a woman in there who was very, very attractive, I think. She had a mask on, but she had that voice. She had that really sexy voice. And then I was like, oh, this is nice. This is nice being around this energy, you know?

And then I realized, oh, she's going to see my asshole. And then I was like so humiliate. I felt like such an amateur. Like, what's the big deal? Like, they see assholes every day. It's only me that there's only one person that looks at my asshole, and that's my wife. Lucky her. Is that why they give you a wedding ring?

And, uh, and now this woman with the sexy voice is going to see my asshole. And I'm just thinking, you know, it's not a big deal to them. They're never going to remember it. But I think they'll remember mine because I put lipstick on. I did, I wanted to dress up. I thought it was formal. I put red lipstick on my asshole. Anyway, I spent the night.

I woke up, but I felt great. you know, and went to get something to eat. But the whole night was, you know, taking this, running to the toilet, but I was watching the Dodgers game, which, you know, look, people go, oh, you're from New York, you're a Dodgers saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm a fan of the team of the city I've lived in for 25 years. I'm not one of those guys like, oh, I'm from fucking Milwaukee, really? And how many games are they piping into your TV every week that you can watch?

How about none? If I live in L.A., I can watch every Dodgers game for free. Actually, you can't. Regular season, they fucking, ugh. I'm so tired of corporate America. But anyway, I'm a Dodgers fan now. And I'm fair weather. I'm a postseason fan.

but I'm enjoying the shit out of it. There's such an exciting team and last night's game, I don't know if you have had your head up your ass, but it was the longest, tied for the longest World Series game in history. It went like 17 innings, 18 innings or something, and it was like six hours and 40 minutes.

And I watched literally every pitch. I sat down on the couch at 5 o'clock when it started and I finished. at 11.40 p.m. And I, other than sprinting to the bathroom, where I had my phone in my hand with YouTube TV streaming it, so I wouldn't miss any of the action.

And I watched the whole fucking game. And it was one of the best baseball games I've ever seen in my life. Everything happened. Otani hits two home runs, two doubles, and then they walked them five times. Enough with the fucking walk. Make it illegal.

make pitch to the guy um and this i didn't realize this i knew there was two japanese guys on the team yamamoto who pitched a full game in game two i think it was and then offered to be a reliever last night after we ran we there was the game was so long we ran out of relief pitchers and yamamoto got in the fucking bullpen and started warming up he's like i i go in there are all Japanese. There's Yamamoto and then there's another reliever. I forget that guy's name. I got three Japanese guys. And I thought maybe what's happening is we're transitioning as ICE is stepping up in L.A. We're moving away from the Central American pitchers and starting to bring in the Asian ones. Because they're not kind of, I haven't seen ice going after too many

Asians. So we're safe. This toilet I was on last night. My toilet seat broke a couple days ago. My wife goes, fix the toilet seat. She was out for the day. And I go, I don't do that. I say, I don't fix toilet seats. I tell jokes. And I podcast.

That's what I do. And I make good money. And we hire people to do. And she goes, it's two screws. Yes. So I go to home D.E. And I'm, you know, you got to park a mile away and then I'm walking around and the people, I got to tell you something. Employees at Home Depot. A number one. Fantastic. They help me out. I get a seat. I bring it home. And then I got to deal with the bidet. So now I got to unscrew the bidet. I don't know why. Oh, I know why. Well, I don't think I did have to unscure. Somehow I'm replacing a toilet seat and there's a flood. Long story short, I flooded the bathroom. I don't know how that

happens. The bidet was not intricately involved in the two screws part, but I started just turning things. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't like doing it. I'm not one of those guys. It feels like, hey, I love to roll up my sleeves on a Sunday. There's a fucking football game on. I'm missing the 49ers so that I can be knee deep in ass water and my sleeves are wet because it's spraying out. And you know what I did? I called the fucking plumber. My wife was still at.

She comes up. Plumber's there. Putting a toilet seat on. That's right. That's right. That's what I do. I hire real men to do the shit around the house that I can't do. Good.

Judge me. I don't give a shit. I'll be watching the fuck. I'll be watching Dallas tonight. Playing Denver. That's the other guy. That's the other guy deal with the toilet. But anyway, all right, let's get to it.

We got, oh, some dates coming up. Den Theater in Chicago, one of my favorite places in the country to play, November 8th, Appleton, Wisconsin, the next night in Wisconsin. Lafayette, Club 337, that's in Louisiana, November 12th. Then I'll be at Skankfest, then I'll be in Phoenix at the Desert Ridge Improv on November 28th through 30th. Then I'm coming to San Francisco, Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey, Cleveland, Atlanta, Sacramento, go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets and come out. Also, oh, my God, now that I have, we have a new sponsor. Who's we? I, it's my podcast.

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slash Fitzdog. Rules and restrictions may apply. All right. Also, I want to give a shout out to Pebble and Patty. I am an Irishman to the core. I'm 90. I took my ancestor DNA. I'm 99% Irish. And I've spent a lot of time over there. And one of my good buddies from when I started traveling there when I was 18, and he's an amazing guy from him. this incredible family, the whore family. They live in Blarnie, in County Cork, where the Blarnie Castle is. Anyway, his brother came up with this very cool thing that he sent to me.

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pebble and patty.com. All right. Let's get to it. my guest this week is my neighbor. She's my very dear friend, and she's a great comedian. You know her from her Annie Wood podcast. She used to do Trash Tuesday for a long time. I used to do Chelsea lately with her and a million other shows. She's great. Here is my talk with Annie Letterman. My guest today is one of my dearest friends in the world. She is, uh, she's got style. She's got flair. She's got attitude.

Class? She's got, I wouldn't say you have class, no. I mean, look, you have a, you have a camouflage thermos, you have faux fur. You have style. This is a real blackburn. It's crass more than class. class. This is a real black bear.

No, it's not. And I fucked it to death. It was like Revenant. It was like Revenant except him getting inside of the bear. The bear got inside of you. Oh, yeah. I was like, Leo, you're such a puss. Why are you putting sunglasses on?

It's a punctuated joke. Yeah, George Burns had the cigar. You can put on the glasses on everyone. You know, I, when I used to do David Spade show, which we did together. Yeah. Many times. Many times. He just to apologize to me after the tapings.

Why, I'd step on your jokes. Bobby Lee was mad at me for 27 years. I've known him for 13. He was mad at me for extra years. He, over stepping on his joke once. I didn't know that his punchline was like looking into the camera. I was like, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that there was a...

But anyway, so when I used to do David Smith, they were like, you have to stop putting your glasses. Because they couldn't edit it because my glasses were on and off the whole time. It's a nervous tick. My brother has Tourette's, my twin. So this is my Tourette's. He has Tourette's? Yeah, my Tourette's is I just have to be, like, really cool everyone's in a while.

Yeah, my twin brothers is Tourette's. Yeah, have you seen a show called The English Teacher? I watched a little bit of it. It's so good. I know, I shifted off of it. Sometimes I just get on something and I completely forget this. I got a binge the whole thing. What's great about it is a lot of shows are so heavy now that I call that a palette cleanser,

so I'll watch a couple episodes of, you know, task, and then I'll throw on. on an English teacher before I go to bed. Yeah. But it's making fun of these woke students. And one of the girls goes, I have undiagnosed, non-s symptomatic Tourette's. I remember that line. I remember that.

But wait, let me talk about your brother. Put the mic up a little closer to your mouth. I know you like putting black. I mean, I was like, that was like sexual, that's no sexually got it. Push it up, push it up a little bit. Oh, my God. You work in this studio.

You know how it works? Push them up. Push them up. So your twin brother has Tourette. So when did it start? And was it fun? He, no, it was so annoying because I had like sensory problems where I got like intermittent explosive disorder symptoms from my dad. My dad had, do you know that?

You mean anger? No, no. They diagnosed it. You told me about your dad on the laptop. My dad came home and we were like 50. The laptop was so. My dad is a nonviolent. Gramer. Let's just say the computer almost crashed over your mother's head.

He was really, he's funny, my dad. I just like having someone I'm so much like. It's so funny to just be like, what a mess we are. Yeah. And then my mom had like a psycho moment when I was a teenager where she would like, when I was 14, we'd be fighting. She would press the gas. And she'd be like, why don't I kill us all? No. And I would have to kick the. Yes, and I would have to kick the airbag so she would stop because she was afraid the airbag would explode. So I had to make it real. And my dad love was bringing that up because that was like her psycho moment. Oh my God.

Listen, she's adopted. I forgive her. Jeez. No, but I had like, like, it was like a lot of like expressed rage in my family. And then I was actually thinking about it recently, getting coffee earlier. I being like kind and I get off

I'm not exploding on people it feels so good in moments when like okay so for instance when you go into a comedy club and they card you or something and you're like

I'm the headline you know what I mean how many times have you have you seen comics egos I've seen it so many times that specific moment comics like screaming at the door guy or screaming at the

it's like so embarrassing because it's all ego and it's like you didn't make yourself successful enough to be a household name where that person. Right. Like it's on me if someone doesn't know who I am. By the way, they did it to Burr at that club in Times Square last year.

I thought you're saying in Riyadh. He showed a, yeah, who are you? Can you imagine they to know him? He showed up at, I forget what it's called, New York something comedy club, and the door guy didn't know him and didn't let him in. I mean, it's times are changing, I guess. Anyway, talk about your thing. Did he get mad?

no he laughed yeah he left oh he left yeah and the owner was that's so ballistic towards the door that is hilarious I mean and that is like because you have enough of a job or maybe Google image the person I don't know well that's good about the store and a lot of other clubs is they hire aspiring comedians to work at the club so they know but not the security guards don't know oh they don't so the security guards they do it all the time I've seen people like in the street trying to fist fight them where you're just like, this is so embarrassing. Yeah.

And so I love it in those moments showing grace. But then when I don't get like the extra like, thank you for showing grace, then I have to like, be like, show grace to that. That's the next tattoo I want to get. I want to write grace. Under fire and it's under your pubs. That's the problem. I don't want people to think it's about a woman named grace.

Do you think people would think that if I got grace written on my arm? maybe it also looks like I'm one of those program guys that gets up at 6 a.m. and goes to Santa Monica for a six-step meeting I will say though it's kind of surprising you didn't name your daughter great I could see that's such a good Irish name oh it is it's crazy Jojo's so cute though but what's her full name is it Jojo Josephine Rose Fitzsimmons oh that's cute yeah Rose was Aaron's aunt who he loved in the Bronx she lived in 93 was Born, physically born in the house. She never lived anywhere outside of that house for 93 years. And she was in it alone for the last 40 of those years.

Isn't that the key? No, she was in. Just lessen any outside noise. Just, I'm going to just stay here. She lived in a neighborhood in the Bronx that I was born in, as a matter of fact. And my mother grew up in. And it was all Italian and Irish. and it was like you go to the butcher and then you go to the baker and then you go to the you know um fish market yeah like it was like Italy like all the little shops and you know the train to the city was right there I was the last stop on the subway out of New York City so it's like a good it was like 40 minutes to get to midtown but the Bronx is amazing it's the most overlooked borough I'm going to be honest I don't know if I used to stay in the

a place I don't know if it was the Bronx. I can't even remember the address. I think it was the well. Yeah? Did you ever see the J-Lo documentary where she goes back to the Bronx and nobody knows who she is? It's like hilarious. I'm like they kept this in like whoever was editing like must have snuck that in under her because I'm like this is so bad. But I like it if she had a sense of humor about it would be awesome if she was like well I don't think she has a huge sense of humor nor does her husband Ben Affleck, ex-husband I guess. No you know that he did that that genealogy show the PBS gene and they found out that

he had like that he had like Nazi or slave owners something something racist and he was trying to get them to not air it pussy I would have them air it just to say look at the growth I've made look at I only have two slaves okay I love how you land your punchlines to camera three I always is that my camera

I don't know it's the one I'm that's right there well what am I gonna go like this? You know, you know, you know your camera. Unbelievable. I mean, you really do. You have style. You have pizzazz. You know how to work a camera.

I don't think you have to have everything, Annie. What if this really got real? And I started getting sad. Wait, I wanted to get real for a minute. Can we get real for a minute? Yeah. And I also want to finish that. I like doing the grace thing by also like popping off.

And there's still a part of me that loves a pop off. Well, you're from Philly. Oh, it's so good. My sister-in-law is from Jersey, and sometimes she'll start popping up. And I have to just be like, why am I? I'm older than her. Yeah. She has a child.

Like, she's got, like, burdens I don't have. I'm like, let her pop off and just show her grace. But sometimes I start to pop off, and then I'll go, I love you. I'll call you back. Yeah. And I hang up. Do you know that pop-off is a really bad Russian vodka? You can get it, like, Walmart?

Pop-off. I wish I was wearing fake boobs and I could pop them off or something. I wish I had, like, a physical pop-off. But go ahead, sorry. So let's get serious for a second. And I want to tell a pop-off story after us. We have so much comedy. You and I could sit here and be funny for hours.

We love each other. He brought me up on stage and he goes, listen, everyone, last night we did an amazing show. Best Buddies Benefit, guys, donate to Best Buddies. Best Buddies is so cute. I could cry right now thinking about it. It's such a good organization. I know it's so fun to do stuff for them. I'm literally about to cry right now.

It's so touching. It's such an amazing organization. I'm going to cry. It's beautiful. It's just like really pretty. It's a beautiful. with intellectual disabilities. That's why I'm a member.

They've done so much for me. Well, but you used to work with people with disabilities. No, I did. It's the best. It's so fun. You actually feel like it's like a cheat sheet. You're kind of getting more out of it than anyone else's going. It's like an infusion of joy. People with no cynicism. They have no negativity.

Like one of the comics that I kind of mentor and he performs on the show every year. He's got Asperger's. Craig Robinson. Chris Tenney is his name. He's so funny. He's done it every year for 10 years. He's so funny. He fucking killed last night.

Crushes. And he just stands up there and he's very monotone and he's got his jokes written out of his hand. And I say do 10 minutes. He does nine minutes and 54 seconds. And but being around him just makes the green room like have this great vibe because comics, I never say to comics. Hey, there's a guy in here who's got men. cluelness. You know, I just leave him be and people come in. I just like

to see how people interact. Well, it's kind of redundant that there's a green room, there's going to be one or two with mental illness. But you know who handled them the best over the years? Norm MacDonald. Oh, really? He came in and Joe Rogan was there and Joe Rogan gave Norm a joint. They smoked a joint

together, but it was a blunt. I smoked a joint with Norm ones. It was great. But he doesn't smoke that much. So he's baked out of his mind and then he meets Chris yeah and he just sits about six inches from and he just looks in his eyes and he's like yeah so tell me what's it like yeah like goes deep right into it and the thing is people with Asperger's they're not self-conscious about talking about their disorder it's so cool it's just like telling you exactly what they're thinking yep and Chris was

just telling him about how his day goes and what he likes to do and norm was being funny with them and oh my god it was the most beautiful moment i'm going to cry this is like a cryy podcast already i know but we raised a lot of money last night yeah it was so cool we had uh joey mcinty from new kids on the block came out he made a huge donation after the show really yeah what are we talking don't worry about it was a lot and then uh Lisa lobe was there oh i met Lisa lobe at the best buddy's um bowling benefit Well, she's very close to Mark Wiley, who we love, who runs Best Buddies. He's one of a kind.

Chris Cheney, bass player for ACDC, was there. Tom O'Neill, some of the cast of Gen Z was there. I should have stayed. You should have stayed and hung out. It's like that David Tell bit. He's like, you ever notice everything cool happens right after you left? Dude, how was last night? Oh, after you left.

This sorority house showed up Even the guy with the Babylon 5 t-shirt Got a hand job From Skanks for the memories Yeah the greatest comedy album of all time It's so funny More jokes packed in per second Of any album I've ever heard

So stupid It's just stupid It's like oh yeah We're supposed to be Well we don't have to be You can be thoughtful and Yeah Trying to push culture

Or you can be stupid You can just be stupid I know It's funny when you think about it I was talking to Santino last night Because you know He went to Riyadh And he was talking about how people

Gave him shit about it And you know My feeling is like Dude do whatever you want it I mean Who's this What do people suddenly pick things To get involved

Oh now you're going to be political And Judge Andrew Santino I would just like Pete Davidson's going I'm cool of it Well I'm Pete's going on go I was talking to Spade about that, and he goes, he goes, I was just hoping Pete was going to do like a John Wick thing because of his father. Just whip out a gun on stage. Can I just tell you that John Wick, I didn't watch it forever?

And Todd kept being like, we're not going to watch it. And I was like, this is like my type of movie. And then I watched it and I saw what the premise was. And I was like, why did you let me watch this? I don't want to watch a dead dog. Oh, I didn't see the movie, but I want to go. Oh, no, the whole premise is someone kills his dog and he loses me. All I know is the guy sitting next to me on the plane watching it.

And I thought it was a past. parody of one of these people are getting shot every four seconds for the entire movie well do you remember 24 the show where it was an hour yeah and he killed like a thousand people every hour all because of one person there was like one diplomat that got killed in afghanistan and he wipes it yeah well it's also any of those movies like james bond movies it's always about like this one guy he's avenging and they but they always have to drive through a fruit stand and kill 12 chinese guys on the way I know we should do spinoffs of like what their family feels like right you know I know this is ridiculous that's a fucking funny idea

you're talking about writing a script make that a scene in it oh I'm talking about it I've been talking about it for a while let's talk about any Letterman who's clearly prolific funny hardworking well and why not apply that to writing a feature film i want to it's in my heart and i have these procrastination issues from since i was very little my mom used to write my papers from me i would you know when you you push through that like anxiety of writing yes and you get to their side i never got to their side my mom just no but the thing is about writing writing is easy sitting down is hard yes you just have to find a way you know what i did when i wrote my book vibrating pennies what i just guessed i i hired i hired i

My agent's assistant would finish her day at work and then come to my office and sit there and type. And she was wearing the vibrating panties? She, everybody was. That's actually so funny. You're just, you have a lot of like buzzers in your hand. And I would talk and she would type. I love that. For four hours.

And if you have somebody, and I was paying her, so I was not going to waste any fucking time. How much did you pay someone like that? 20 bucks an hour. I mean this is going back 12 years so that was a fair wage Yeah May as well go to Rehad with that May as well go to Rehaad with those

prices you're paying. She was not thinking of the words she was typing the words. No she did nothing she was nothing and then I had a recorder and I would walk around the park across my office and my book was you know most books are a collection of stories

and I would hit record and I would just tell a story for 15 minutes as I walked around and then I could plug it into my computer and it would transcribe it into words. All you need is what they call a sloppy rough draft. You need to vomit out a first draft.

Just type, type, type, type, type. Well, I have something sloppy. Right into camera three. Unbelievable. Right down the barrel. Is that what he used to do at midnight? I didn't have written everything I've ever done. I find my camera. People used to get so mad

like she keeps looking at camera. I'm like, I feel like we're cultivating a hang, and I'm including the audience. Oh, that's nice. I'm letting the on. So I do have many more stalkers than most people because of it, but. Yeah. Could you include me in this a little bit?

Um. Can we get serious? Sure. I mean, we're going to have a lot of fun. We're going to have a lot of laughs. Let's get serious. Let's get serious. No, but I like what you're saying because I did have an epiphany once,

and then I let it disappear. I have the problem with dopamine where I get an idea and I tell one person and they go, and we're done, moving on. Who wants to go to yoga? But you've got Todd. Todd seems like a methodical guy. He seems like. He went to school for movies.

He went to movie school, film school. He went to school for movies? I don't know how to say it. Is that a sentence you want to put out to the world? Well, can I just tell you something about my childhood? Yeah. In my high school, they had a movie class where you laid on pillows and you watch movies. Really?

after yes my high school was for juvenile delinquents they wanted us on pillows yeah they were gun them on pillows off the pills onto the pillows no they wanted us on pills because then we wouldn't tell our parents you got molested in high school did you get it um listen a lot of podcasts would really focus on that

no who cares we're done who cares it happens I'm glad it happened me an artist oh now you go with the sip instead of the glasses yeah there you go it's a full sip for those that know I don't know if I was molested. I feel like I buried it. I feel like I was, but I don't remember who did it.

I mean, that is so cute. You want to be molested so bad. I know. It is, there's got to be FOMO. You got to be like, was I ugly or? Yeah, think about that sometimes. Because I was, I know I was like, I was cute. Yeah.

Well, my brother, my twin brother went to this thing called Cinekids, which was like a, it was a little film school for children. a movie school some might call it and um and that the counselor the owner of it this older guy he got accused of touching the kids or doing something to the kids and max was like he never did anything to you know and i was like i don't i found some pictures of my brother that were so cute i was like he would have passed this one up yeah no way but i think he got exonerated about those All right, so let's get serious for a minute. Let's stop joking around about the funny stuff. I just want to address something that we haven't really talked about, which is I feel like

you got mad at me last month. No. I feel like we were out of touch. No way. I've never been mad at you. I don't know if mad or maybe you felt like you said that I was too busy for you or something. Are you one of those people that can't talk about this stuff? No, no, no.

I'll talk about it, but this is a theme in my life that's been. coming up yeah I kind of like flake a little bit on people like I just dip out I'm like whatever preoccupied with myself or something self-involved and I don't reach out to people and then they think I'm mad at them so that was it I wouldn't I'm never I've never been mad at you I can't even imagine being mad at you okay good I can't imagine a thing that I would be no and I'm I think we're communicative if there was ever an issue yeah that's what I that's what I was surprised I probably was being like like oh I haven't been around because I was just like get it off of me i was just kidding like whatever no no no i don't feel that way okay good i feel like yeah

if i if i need you there yeah um always no but i had i've had like my shamans think i'm mad at them yeah like people where i'm like what i don't know i think you have ADHD because you can't focus you can't concentrate and you disappear emotionally a little bit i definitely have a you thought you was there like it was there a question oh i didn't know if you'd ever did already know that about yourself? They had me on Ritalin when I was a baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're classic ADHD. They put it on my mom's nipple. They should put it on your teacher's balls. No, I never got. He was above. Oh, he was above. Yeah, in his semen movie. They could have put it. His what? In his semen, they could have put it in his penis hole, so then when it

ejaculated it, like kind of squirted out of me. I didn't absorb the algorithm now. All right, there's a lot of things I want to ask you. As Annie works here at the studio, it doesn't work. She does her thing. I perform. She performs here at the Green Lab studios. Speaking of ADD, I have three studios I perform at. Wow.

Which one's your favorite? Well, this one's the coolest. Yeah. This one has the most pizzazz. Yeah. My favorite might be my house because it's so easy because I just like, eh, turn it on. I know.

But it's hard to, like, I had to get out of there because it is hard to, like, remember it's your job. No, you got to go to work. Yeah. And then I do it at the comedy store sometimes because it's right before my sets. Yeah, they were a little weird to me when I did mine there. Certainly they wanted like ownership of it or something. Oh, yeah, no, they've completely stopped doing that.

But that was, I wasn't going to do it when they were doing that. Yeah, absolutely not. I bounced after that. I prefer less hands on my business. Yeah. So I asked the staff here, Amber and Paul, I shouldn't call them the staff. It makes it sound like their janitors or something. they're producers they are creative people

they're the janitors i'm wondering uh have you clocked in yet they're on strike they're a union so they had some questions for you okay uh one of them said did we land on the moon yeah we did I think so yeah why because we're in a green screen studio and we could we could no it just seems to me

things that are happening it does seem like fake I mean it was 1969 I had a 1969 Chevy and I used to drive from Boston to New York and it would break down about half the time. That was 200 miles. Yeah. Not a million. Yeah. You know, that was the technology at the time. The computers, the

computer in your phone dwarfs all the computing power that was involved in the first Apollo mission. I've never heard the word computic. I didn't say computic. Okay, roll the tapes. Staff. Hey, janitors, can you clean up this mess he just created?

Um, they showed up on the moon. All of a sudden they had a rover. They had a car to drive around the moon on. Yeah, I guess. Where'd that come from? And then when you look back, doesn't it look kind of fake? It looks totally fake. Yeah.

I guess I have the same, um, birthday as Neil Armstrong, so I want him to be a star. Because I felt like really, I felt connected. He was a, uh, wife Peter. No, but he had a lot of real right-wing Christian thoughts. which is funny to be an astronaut and have right-wing Christian thoughts. I know who has right-wing question thoughts, but I'm such a fan. Question? Question. Question thoughts?

Are you baby Wawa? All of a sudden, Barbara, they landed on the moon. They wandered there. I love, and this is ADD, I love Pat Sejack. Oh. He's so funny. Yeah. He's the funniest guy. Now, do you ever, did you ever see when, um,

There was a Jeopardy, he was Jeopardy, right? No, Wheel of Fortune. The one that I could understand. Jeopardy was a little hard for me. And the clue was clam, blank, I-G-E-R. And it was supposed to be clam-digger. Oh, I know, God. And the guy said N. And it cut to Pat Seajack, and it went that noise like, boop-boop. And he did like a long car. He did like this thing in his eyes that was genius. And he knew his camera, didn't he? Yes, he did. That's my guy. We follow each other on Twitter. All right. Amber wants to know what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? The kinkiest thing?

Why are you big, gazing down the bird? I'm looking a scant. The kittiest thing I ever did. I like banging this guy in the woods once, but I got a twig inside. I pulled out a twig later. So I was like. Out of your ass? My ass?

Or your poon. the vanilla not the chocolate Jesus is whole Yeah the Lord's hole Wow You pull the twig out There was a twig You sure it wasn't a log

He gave me crabs too And I wonder if I got them from the outside air Sure it wasn't ants Fire ants I don't even think So you had sex up in the woods Was it like a one night stand Was it like a first experience?

No we were he was working on a movie I was living in Santa Fe and he was working on a movie and he was working on a movie in Santa Fe and I was a go-go dancer at the nightclub and he was there for like a month and a half and we just kind of were like a thing for then and then we were driving there was a there's a spot 10,000 waves up in the mountains and so we went there and then we just banged on the way down nice pulled over yeah a little bangaroo but the twig and then I was like you know maybe this isn't for me do you ever do the beach yeah but I was it's yeah on a blanket or on the sand well i don't remember oh okay i woke up i was on a on a trip to

central america and i woke up i got wasted and i woke up um like having hooked up with this guy and i had the wrong shoe like it was a regret yeah i just like this jose i didn't use a condom i think it was like oh my god i'm going to be like there's some guy named jose who where is he That Latino sperm really takes, too. And it does take. And I, you know, but so I, I remember we were leaving the next day, and I had no clue who he was or whatever, and I was like, fuck. And then I had the wrong flip-flops, and they were like, they had melded to someone else's foot. Yeah, yeah.

So every time I would step, it would like, quck, quck, and it would be like, you, whore, core, core, core. I was so fucking like, oh my God, this kind of fucking... And I went swimming too drunk. That was actually so scary and felt great. Yeah. Amazing. Right. But I was like, oh, that could have been just it.

All right. Paul wants to know... Have you ever had a three-way? Yeah. You have? Two girls and a guy or two guys in you? Well, we've had a range. Really?

I'm schizophrenic. every time is a threesome, at least. Yeah. No, I had a boyfriend in college who was flaming homosexual. He is married with kids. I don't know why he won't just come out. He does own this studio, too. But I just don't, it's so weird.

But he was so gay. He would wear a suit. We lived in Santa Fe. We were in college at this school that doesn't even exist anymore. It was like this not real college, you know. And he would wear this. suit around town and gay men when we'd be out of bars would reach they would try to touch him and i would slap i'd be like he's not out yet yeah and um he would always be like we'd have

parties at his house and he would always somehow get a guy to come in would he full around with the guy it wouldn't it would never go that far because it would i remember my one friend um joined in because he wanted to go up with me yeah and then it just ended he was like he keeps staring at me he was giving me eye contact so then he's like i'm going to do the playlist and then And then when I moved to L.A. for the first time, female comic and I were like having annoying things with guys, where we were just trying to have casual things with guys. And they kept being like, I can't be what you want.

We're like, we don't want you. We're busy. We're thriving. And they're like, sorry, babe, you're too attached. We're like, nobody's attached. Like, nobody likes. What are you talking about? So we were like, let's go hook up.

Let's go to Venice and let's find some surfers. and let's, like, hook up with some surfers. So we go to Venice, we go to the first bar. It was, like, a wine bar. I can't even remember. And I don't drink, by the way. So I'm, like, I'm just going to figure it out at this point. So, and there's some, like, hot guys, you know, but we're like, we can do better.

So then we end up going to this, like, like, more college-type bar afterwards. It's, like, near, so. Main Street, I'm thinking. Maybe Main Street, yeah. Yeah, I think so. Is it on Abakini? Is it Abbott's Kinney turns into Main Street when you hit Santa Monica. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so.

like collegiate so but it's like almost last call like we're like fuck now we just have to deal with because we just set out this goal so we just like one guy recognized me I was so like it was so weird he recognized me from a show I used to put out at a restaurant I worked out in New York he's like oh I've been to your show and I was like oh this is an ideal you wanted to be a little more anonymous but it was like he just was latched on so and then his friend was talking to my friends was like all right so she had grown up in the area so we went to her childhood home her childhood bedroom and she pulled like a mattress off so there was like a mattress on the floor for me and then she was on the bed with her guy and I was like oh this is going to be like fun this is like so

like fun you know like hotel rooms with two beds and I'm like making out with my guy and then her guy just sits up it's like three in the morning and he goes I got to go and he runs out so I'm like girlfriend or tiny penis we don't know and so he jets I mean it's just the three of us and I was like all right so then we just like started making out and then they started hooking up and she was like she goes annie suck this is so gross and he's so i'm like married this is crazy but whatever who cares she's like um she's like annie you suck his dick or you go down on him or whatever so i'm like okay and then she goes come on her face so i literally was like a sock i just ended up being a sock i'm like they could have just 69ed and i just was like what it was so funny i was like do you really

We were laughing so hard. It ended up being so fucking funny. So she got the sex and you got the discharge? Yeah, she, no, he was like, I think he was like fingering her or something. So she came, I was like, and then I just got like, just done. No pleasure for you.

And it was so, it was absolutely hilarious because it had originally been my guy. But I would obviously like things to be a funny story over anything else. So then later on he kept track, I blocked him on everything because I was like, I never want to see you again. And not like, there was, I was never going to want to say him that night.

There was never, well, I blocked his aim, but I didn't want it to get on her childhood posters. So, but there was no chance I was ever going to not block him. Like, it wasn't like he wasn't like, I wasn't like this fucking asshole or anything. Like, I definitely thought it was hilarious. And, but I just never wanted to see him again. And so I blocked him all the things.

And then the Waze app, the driving app, he tried to friend me on that. And I didn't even know you could friend people. people. And I remember being like, why do you want to know where I, so when I'm stuck in traffic, you can come roll down, they're going to jerk off in my face again. You got your wind field, your wipers on. Yeah, I'm like, I'm ready for him. But I thought that was funny. Oh, that's good. Um, but, yeah. Amber wants to know if you were, uh, going to play a celebrity. No, if you were going to get somebody to play you and a biopic, who

would it be? Probably the middle Hanson brother. I don't know if he's a good actor, but I love Hansen. That was always my thing. You loved Hansen. Everybody hated Hanson. I was like, hey, look, they're real brothers. They write their own songs. They play their own instruments.

They're good Christian boys. They all had like 20 kids by the time they were like 18. Mbap. Yep. Mbap. You're giving me flashbacks of people screaming that at my head when I was in middle school. I looked so much like them. I looked like the lead singer of Silverchair.

I looked like a lot of boys in middle school. Right. But Umbap, my dad always calls me his little Hanson boy. He's like, oh, look at my little handsome brother. I love my dad. All right, Paul wants to know, who's your biggest celebrity friend? Your most famous friend. Not biggest, because that's obviously Tim Dillon.

Oh, I love that, Timmy D. Yep. I love him. Gay Sugar Daddy's really where it's at, guys. Nobody has this life. Yeah. Nobody's up on that private chat, not sucking dick, dude. If I suck dick, I'm fucking, I'm shot out.

There's a button. Yeah. He's like, get your nasty tuna away from me. Maybe Nora, Aquafina? Or maybe Olivia Munn, maybe. Yeah, those are both good. Aquafina, what's she like? Oh, she's so amazing.

She's from Queens, right? Oh, I love her. Oh, she's so good. We did Girl Code together, and we were like Soul Sisters. Like, we got along so well. She got, she was rapping, she had like comedic raps that she would do. And then she got on GirlCode and she's just like, she's a character, but she's herself. You know, she's just like so funny and so cool and so unique.

And then, and they, she was asking me like, what manager to get? And I hooked up with my manager at the time. And then she got on Ocean's 8 or Ocean's 11. No, I actually, I've fired that manager so much. I love him. I always, I'm like, hilarious. I love him. I think I know he you're talking about.

He is one of a kind. I do love him to death, but we kept breaking up with him. Yeah. We're like Ross and Rachel. But so she gets Oceans 8 or Oceans 11, whichever one was the one that was the female version. Yeah.

And she calls me and she's like freaking out. She's like, oh my God, I don't know what to do. Like she was just having it. So I was like explained to our imposter syndrome and stuff. And I like really helped her. She talks about me in interviews about how I helped. through this imposter syndrome thing and then she like blew up and then I got imposter syndrome and then I stopped reaching out to her because I didn't want to bug her all of a sudden

I was like I don't want to be a nuisance or whatever yeah so then years later I think she sends me an invite to her birthday party and I had just been looking at her book she had this coffee table book and she had written in it something like so sweet like yeah very like you're the funniest person it was just something very like sweet and I was and it was just at the same time I was looking at it. She sent me this thing, and I was like, oh, my God, what have I done, you know? So then I called her, and she was like, where have you been, you know? It's like how I felt a few weeks ago.

You did it to her. I'm too intimidated by your success. Yes. Everybody feels like an imposter around me. I do. Yep. I'm like, how am I worthy? Yeah, I know.

I have a bald, middle-aged man. I do love me. I was talking about it today. I was like, it's so funny, this 59-year-old bald guys, just one of my best friends on this fucking earth. love him so much it's because I'm safe I'm married you're a good married married guy you love your wife you love your family it's like a package deal yeah I get like a whole family of friends I'm not a threat to you in any way I know but guys have posed this way and been threats so it's you it's not just your situation but it is like

I am like that's why I said to Todd today too I was like you see what you can do when you just love your wife if you just choose to love your wife and your family yeah you You can be friends with everyone. You can develop different. It's like such a more dynamic, fun world. Yeah. Well, you're stepping into that world right now. I love it.

When are you guys going to tie the knot? I don't know. I just don't have like wedding fever. It's like the opposite. Yeah, but it's so much fun. I don't feel the fun. Oh, then don't do it. I feel there's a large, they're large families.

Yeah. There's drinking. Yeah. Not that that's really it because it's like whatever. Who cares? That end up being funny. but it's just my people pleasing is triggered hard during a wedding. I had people come up to me that I'm barely friends with that are like,

that are like, I better be invited to the wedding. I barely know you. If you think that, who, like, I don't like the idea of like leaving people out or inviting people that I don't want there. I think what I had an epiphany the other day where I was like, oh, just if you make this about you and you're like, what do you want your day to be? That's fine, but I guess I just don't feel, I just, I just get a day every night.

So I don't have this, like, I know it's different because it's our union and everything, but I don't know. No, I lost my wedding. We had like 200 people. And, you know, because we are in a very social line of work. So not to mention, I also have 27 first cousins. And so I couldn't invite them all because there's two of them. I wouldn't know in a lineup. Like they're way older than me.

They weren't part of my life. And so my mother's like, you have to invite all the cousins. I was like, I can't because they're married. They have kids. Right. So 27 of them have spouses and kids. So right there, that's like 60 or 70, 80 people. And then you're looking at a venue change.

Like, okay, we have to get a bigger venue. So I said, I can't invite these two. And she goes, you have to. And then I said, I'm not. And then she called me back. She goes, your aunt is really upset about her two boys not being. So I didn't invite them. I held the line.

So we go to the wedding. This would have been a fun, John Wick. your aunt comes and just shoots up the whole thing we go to the wedding and then we go to the reception and the two cousins are standing in front of the reception venue with their wives I'm unable to accept it yep I'm unable to accept it I can't allow this to be the truth they weren't nice to us no they're mad they want to ruin your day you know why they all wanted to go because my wife used to be Julia Roberts assistant when we got married and they all thought Julie was going to be there you call her julia

no I had saliva in the back of my throat thinking about her me too I would have been standing out there I would have had a I would have a little thing to go like that to her what is that from a pretty woman

holds a thing and she goes to reaching and she's is this your own little thing you are nobody none of you are nothing none of my you are around Julie Roberts, and you never, you dare call her Julie, and you don't even know that scene?

I wasn't a fan of her. She was my wife's boss. No, I love her. I'm not a fan of her. I'm not a fan of her. I'm not a fan where I know what this is. She must have been a tough boss. She must have been a tough boss. She was a lovely boss. I know that you've already told me that, but I'm teasing you know. She was a lovely boss. That's so scary. And then she moved to our neighborhood. Like, Aaron left her to move out here and then she moved to block from us. And we used to hang out with her in the neighborhood. And so one day we're sitting in the living. And so one day we're sitting in the living room talking to erin had two friends over and then julia just walked in like she was there with her cousins just standing there yeah and just walked in and her friends like

erin never talked about that she worked for her she just was like a non-disclosure thing which i'm breaking right now and and she walked in and the two friends were just like why did julia roberts just walk into her house she's like i'm not julia roberts i'm just a girl standing in front of my old assistant and her family and friends he doesn't know her he doesn't know her video He doesn't know the joke I'm doing. Notting Hill. But I will say also Jeanette McCurdy and, oh my God, Miranda Cosgrove, both of them were in I, Carly. My nieces, that's like the perfect age.

They freaked out about them. So those were the girls that when I FaceTime my nieces, they were shook. They saw, it was so cute because they're usually like pretty like, ah. They saw Miranda Cosgrove on FaceTime. I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, it was so cute. That's fun to do with your family. Starstruck, yeah. Who was your celebrity crush growing up?

I liked Leve Schreiber. No. I always had a crush on Leve Shriver. I see that. Are you Jewish? Like, quarter, I grew up in a really Jewish area. In fact, I heard, I was talking to my dad about this, and he was like, yeah, I was like, I guess it's 0.2% of the population is Jewish or something.

It feels like more. I know, but I was going to say, in our neighborhood, I guess I was seeing the world through Rosei, or Manashevitz color glasses. That was a joke that only landed on my dad, and I never got to say it any other time. But, yeah, no, we were in a really Jewy neighborhood, so I was surrounded by Jewish. Liam Schreiber, yeah, that guy is the real deal.

But then someone told me he's, like, not good. Like, he's, like, really, like, well, just, like, annoying. Like, no, what did they say? They just said he wasn't, like, he just was, like, very serious and not. I think most great actors, are not easy to be around

because they occupy roles and often they're kind of a vessel and to be around them. I wanted to be a vessel. I was like, I'll be your vessel. Yeah. Fill up. Fill with me over. But he yeah, I always like big noses. I don't know.

I like prominent noses. Todd is a big nose but it's like kind of like an Asian like sideways cute. It's a big nose for an Asian man. It's such a cute. He's so cute. You missed him when he was away. Not so much. I had a great time when he was gone for like six weeks. I had my cluster headaches and I, so I got cluster headaches and then I was, I met all

these spiritual people kind of through Paul. It was like a weird thing and I was every crazy debilitating headache I got, I could call one of these people and they would talk me through it and I was figuring out things my body needed me to like release and I was like quantum leaping every time I got it. It was the, Todd came up to like a new person. Wow. It was so, and I needed him to be gone. because I needed to not have him to lean on during the cluster headaches.

It's so debilitating, but I had to survive. I had to do it on my own. And it was perfect timing. And, yeah, I just grew, so I didn't. It's not like I didn't, obviously I love him. But it was like, and me and Randy got really squishy and close. Your dog. Yeah, we're just so obsessed with each other.

Well, I'm a little hurt that during your cluster headache saga, I was not one of the people that you reached out to. Well, why don't you take a spiritual class or two? offer me a little fucking enlightenment for once no it was it was great no I see this guy Tom he's like smoked cigarettes and he's like he's from Jersey and he's like yeah I don't know I mean maybe God's telling you you need to do this but what do I know

he's like the best he didn't see me I didn't see him so he's so awesome and then Natasha Paul's friend who is just like this weird alien angel witch I don't know what the hell she is but she like but I kind of dipped on her and she's like what the fuck and I'm like, I don't know, maybe it's too intense. Do you think that some people worship Jesus because he's so hot? Like, do you think some women, like, do you think they portrayed Jesus as a, just a live, kind of like, he's like, who's that actor?

Jared Letto? Yes. That's so funny that you guessed that. Like, they made him look like Jared Letto. Do you think, like, do you think that if God looked like Jeff Garland, that, that, you know, that, less people would believe. I think my God knows how to handle his calories. I think he's counting his macros.

Right, right. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Can we leave it at that? Well, he trained in a robe, but then when it was showtime, when it was time for the cross, they went crop top top. They showed the abs. Was it crop or was it just, it was just loin?

It was just loin. Yeah, he was topless. Yeah. I mean, way to bury the leaf. Jesus we if we'd known all those years maybe they wouldn't have killed you well also let's see what you're packing yeah drop it yeah what's holding it up they put nails there too what hell's that what if they nailed his penis to the cross well somebody had a joke about that's why penis is like what did they only have like three nails like one free chance and then

Jesus can you just put your feet together I wish I could give credit to who's joke that was it was mine oh let's just steal jokes like the children are doing but like the virgin mary was smoking hot like surprising that she remained a virgin in that part of the world so my tommy my smoking shaman yeah he said that um mary magdalen and jesus are the are the yin and yang of the

masculine and feminine in each person interesting huh but what does he know What does he know? I don't know. Yeah. They're going to leave it. I love him. I met him for the first time in person yesterday.

Wow. It was great. It was weird to look at him. Do you think you ghost him at some point? Oh, I flaked. He called me out in a good way. Yeah. Working on the flakiness.

Do you believe in God? Yeah. I think so, but not like... I think so. That's not going to go well when you get to the pearly gates. I don't believe in that. Oh. I think that God yeah

I believe in source when you die I think you like are energy that exists and I think that you get another opportunity to come down but maybe not right away do you think you come down in the same human form

animal I think you come down as people that have heard like not like if you so in this like I I've been probably a sexual predator in another life. I've been a, I've been, I think we've been all everyone, different types of people. Wow. You started to say, and I thought it's an interesting idea, as you come back

as the people that wronged you, because then they have a choice to make when they come back of whether or not you can come back as them and you could create more negativity or you could change that person yeah i believe that well i think like it's it's also just like um like you you want to come down to earth and that you want this experience you want to be incarnated so you're like sometimes your karma is you get to have like a good life yeah and sometimes your karma is you suck right and so i was like really holding on to this predator from my high school you know forever like drag he had white guy with dreads i was like dragging him by his dreads into every day i was like fucking come with me for years motherfucker like i was just taking him with me yeah and just

keeping connected just so wounded such a victim of it and um and then through like working with different people i kind of like what has landed on me that wouldn't have landed at the at a different time but what i'm ready for because i want to release these things and i want to move forward is that i actually owe him in a way an apology because I asked for him to be incarnated on this earth to teach me these lessons and I made him suck. I made him be a like a child predator. Wow. So I actually it's like it has to be like well I actually apologize to you for making you that so that I could learn these lessons and then having that sort of like like overall just acceptance and then accepting just complete responsibility and not in a like it's my fault

I'm this or that like not in a victim way but just in a like oh every time you're you're met with someone that bothers you annoys you feels toxic or whatever oh I actually called them in so I could overcome something I like that that's it just gives me a lot of peace and it would have pissed me off in my moments where I needed to be a victim where like that was serving me but at this point with the headaches. Like I just was like I can't like it hurts so bad. I have to surrender to whatever I need to surrender because I can't be in pain like this anymore. Do you think the cluster headaches are psychosomatic or do you think that they're physical? I mean it's hard because it's like zapping me. It's like so painful. It's so fucked up and it's hard to say because I don't

want to because I've had like working situation where I've worked with people who have used said my cluster headaches are where you're just like what like I don't even so it's like I don't want to say like they're psychosomatic because it wasn't like a thing I created to get out of something or to be irresponsible but I think it was my body like I think it was so much tension built up in my body so much anger so much like fear that my body was like zapping me because it's like trigeminal neural neuralgia where it's your trigeminal nerve is like it's like a whole pain map through your it was so cool I went to this acupuncturist that natasha introduced me to so much of this comes back to Paul and comes back to you for introducing me to Paul.

But so this acupuncturist, when I went in, he was like, don't ever get your tooth removed. And I was like, how do you know it goes into my gums? He's like, oh, I know what you're, and I'm like, because no doctors, like, understand it. So for him to just know, like, the pain map and the nerves that it hits, I was like, oh, my God. And then I asked him, I go, well, why do I get this? He goes, you don't love yourself. He's like, people that don't love themselves get it. And I was like, wow.

And then he poked at me later, and he went, he's like, you look strong, but you're not, you're weak. And I was like, all right, chill in the shadow work. Jesus. My friend, my fucking head hurts. I think I'd rather be, like, weak. Well, good. Then somebody who has no sense that they're not all powerful and wonderful. Like, I think about the podcasting world, and there's certain people, you just go like,

Jesus Christ, where does your ego fucking end? Right. You know? Like, I like to think of myself as a podcaster that kind of like I'm vulnerable and I share things that I'm, like we talk about imposter syndrome and all that stuff. Because some of these people that are just, and it's not just men. There's some female pot. Yeah. And it's just like, let the fucking guard down a little bit. Also, I think we're here. I really do think we're here to serve each other and we're here like, you know the Ram Dass quote where it's like, we're all just walking each other home. Right. I mean, that makes me like almost want to cry. But it's like, it is like we're just all going home. And it's like help each other.

there when you can, you know? I mean, have your boundaries and stuff? Speaking of going home, like, have you ever tried to cut off a Waymo or, like, step in front of it? I almost got, I almost got sideswiped by Waymo. In my head, I went, do I make so much money off that? Oh. Do I, on the way here, I went, oh, my God, how much money do I get from that?

Or are they, like, actually, Waymos are perfect. And they try to blame me for it. Yeah, right, right, right. And they all are videotaping you, so they would know. If I'm like, I'm like, you see me my foot's up. Yeah, exactly. I'm like blowing bubbles. Smoking a joint

I honked at one the other day Isn't it fun? Yeah, I didn't mean I kind of wasn't registering It was a Waymo but the light turned And I just fucking honked And I was like, oh, it's not a person Well, isn't it funny when you pop off on like a

Because I'll get so mad at the automated systems Yeah And then, but isn't a good lesson for life Because it really hasn't It could just be a robot I know getting mad at it. I know It's just yourself

You're just getting mad at yourself Matt, it's just bouncing back at you Yeah I popped off I got in a fight with Donnell Rollins at the comedy store the other day. Oh, I heard. Oh, it felt so good. Yeah.

I mean, he's my friend and he started it and I was like, tired and I was like, I'm a filly bitch and I don't have my tools, I'm sleepy and let's fucking go. We're going to stay friends. We're not going to not be friends who gives a fucking shit, you know. So he wanted to switch spots with me. The show was running late. He wanted to switch spots with me so he could get to another spot. I had a big audition in the morning and I had been there for an hour and a half. hour and a half doing another show it was fucking exhausted and he wanted to switch spots with me and

i was like no i can't sorry and he was like you're corny he was like saying it was like started to like step to me and i was like oh really bitch like it was just like i don't know what he thought i was going to do but i was like so mad he ended up getting the spot because i was too rageful to do the spot it's just the irony of a black guy wanted to be early no and complaining about it being late oh i'm so sorry is this a problem for you now yeah but um so he's like him and i'm like not even paying attention. I'm just dealing with the fact that he's mad it's late and putting it on me. And I'm like, this is fucking unfair, whatever childhood wound it's hitting. And I'm like, and he at one point he's like, who the fuck do you think you're talking? I was like, who the

fuck do you think you're talking to? And he was like, say it. He's always trying to get me to say the end where he's like, say it. Ah, no way. I was like, I would never give you the satisfaction. I was like, we were just like fighting, we're like kind of joking, but like fucking screaming at each other. Yeah. And then one of the managers comes out from the comedy, so they're like, what's going on? Are you okay? And I go, Donnell's, um, taking it out on me, that the show's running late. And while I have you, why the fuck are the show starting? I was just like, bing, bing, bing, right?

And I also think that I have the privilege of knowing that I have a good relationship with the comedy store and that they will love me through my pop-off. So, you know, I was putting on the theatrics a little bit, but it felt I was like, it was fun, you know? And then as the Lord humbles you, I'm driving out, my key for the Tesla's like a card and they put it in my windshield,

so it went into my car. So I had to, like, stop and try to get it. I couldn't get it out. So then I had to walk back to the scene I had just left. Like, fuck you, bitches, you know? I had to walk back and be like, get my key out. You know, please, sorry, here's 20 bucks. And so then that, and Don, I was like, look, who's back?

And I was like, shut the fuck up, right? Oh, it continued. Yeah, because then he was starting to talk shit again because he was like, oh, she had to come back. And I was like, but it was funny. Like, the whole time it is funny. Then I get in my car. I look at the clock.

It was 10 minutes late, the show. Yeah. It was barely late. You're right. So then I have to call up the Patrick of the comedy I have to call the people and be like Guys I'm sorry it wasn't that late I mean 10 minutes could be just

A few people ran the light a little bit Yeah that's like nothing That's Marion and Whitney It's nothing Yeah Maybe a letterman too Oh But

Alright one more question But anyway Donnell I was on the phone with him And we were laughing about it like moments later Oh that's good Yeah he was like I was like shit Is she not gonna talk to me for another two years I was like no you didn't talk to me for two years

I would never I'm always your friend have you ever won any awards any trophies plaques i won a most improved swimmer when i was like eight and i had the best so you sucked when you were seven well i had you drowned when you were seven well i was a perfectionist so i would be myself up uh-huh and then i got this coach joe jackson this is really an emotional i'm going to cry again who was this like he always had a i guess it doesn't matter that he was black but i just want you to pay i want to pick is a michael jackson's father yes it was michael jackson's father he made me come butthole first to every practice no but he but he but i but i but i want to paint the picture of this man because so he would wear like a uh wife

beater and then he had suspenders and he always had like a dumb dumb lollipop and he had like a hat like yours yeah and he coached me a dumb dumb dumb you actually look like a dumb dumb but also the irony of a black guy teaching someone how to swim i know i know i never really got i was like i don't understand the stereotype but he um I taught him how to cook fried chicken and um he had a great relationship no but he was so good with me and like he was the right amount of heart on me and soft with me and it was just I was very starved for that as a kid and and I really improved a lot and then he ended up he was I remember my mom had to tell me he after that year I swam with him he was driving with his daughter home from a restaurant and he had a heart attack while he was

driving and she had to like take the wheel and stuff and he passed away yeah no oh I'm sorry no but he was so he was like so it was like so cool there were so many people that kind of like popped into my life and gave me these like really valuable like confidence boosts that I that I needed when I was a kid and then you got that trophy I got my trophy and the most improved is kind of a loaded it really is a loaded award because it says that you used to suck yeah it does but it was but it's what I it felt like really it resonated with me as a kid like I was like oh I liked it because it showed I liked progress and I think I've carried that with me in my life like I do I'm very and I think people like us that are raw and open what else would you be looking for in life yes keep growing yeah who would you give

the most improved comedian plaque to I can show you who's gotten worse the least improved comedian but he might get mad and start talking shit on me no because sometimes you see a comedian and they get older, like take Harlan Williams, who's a guy who has always been such a killer comedian, so original, so funny, so consistent, but then something happened like two years ago, maybe three years ago, where he like hit overdrive, like he got better when you didn't think he could.

Who do you think is another example of that? that um you're so used to talking shit you can't think of one positive thing saying like a nice thing about a comedian i'm like to you you've called me to be like let's address the elephant in the room and you've just eviscerated people that weren't even on my radar yeah i love doing that it's so funny i love bringing somebody new into the mix i'm like oh my god i don't think i've watched their set of yeah do they suck i just assumed they didn't suck um who's most improved um i had one for a second i forgot um you don't have to answer it i'm sorry to make you say something positive um if you had to teach what would you teach if you had no choice but

to be a teacher teach any stand-up comedy i would never encourage anybody to do this i feel like anybody that needs to be taught shouldn't be doing it well you do i think the whole thing is learning your own voice i think that's was my approach i wanted to be myself i wanted to be myself yeah i'm joking i'm that i would never teach you comedy in my life but i so i always thought it was so counterintuitive to what i thought comedy was which was like you expressing yourself your voice your point of view and um yeah i just remember hearing early on like someone said that they're like the best comics are the ones where you, you don't even need to hear, you could just hear the joke and you know it's them. Yeah.

But let's see. You could teach swimming. No, I'm not great at swimming anymore. I got in a car accident when I was 12 and I broke my foot and I stopped swimming. I didn't know that. Yeah. I was, I was going to swim all the way through high school. No, I was going to train for the junior Olympics.

I was starting the spirit swim team that was at George school, I think. And it was sponsored by spirit cigarettes? Oh my God, Spirit Airlines, which is more dangerous. Which is slower, that race. Which is a slower death. And I ended up just not pushing through. But I was gonna like, they were doing like, it was really cool. It was like doing, they were doing like dry land and then you were swimming.

And it was great. It was really cool. But drunk driver had on collision. But I'm the trauma you've had in your life, Annie. That I thought was normal. Yeah. Now, you've gone through a lot of trauma. Yeah.

You had a father with an explosive temper. You were molested. Yeah, it was. You had a car crash. Yeah, when I was 12. Then we went to Club Med with the money that we got. I had to lie to the judge and be like, I'm going to spend the money on books for college.

And then we took the money and we went to Club Med. We took the family to Club Med. My mom was in the accident with me. She wasn't driving, but she was in it. So we took the settlement money. We went to a club med in Watuko, Mexico. and the there was like a teen group so my parents like didn't pay attention to us but we were never with the teen group but my parents just like assumed we were but we were like just wandering club med

in Mexico by ourselves and the archer instructor was this like 26 year old guy was 13 and he he did a weird sexual thing to me where he yeah he was like going to walk me back to my place and then he walked me to his apartment and he put on journey he run journey for me for a while he put on journey and then he wouldn't let me leave until I made out with him. I was 13. No. So guess what your girl did? I would go down to the archery classes and I go, he's a pedophile.

I go, that guy's a child molester. No way. And I just humiliated him. I told his boss and he got fired. While I was there, he got fired. And my parents never knew any of it happened. I had a whole thing. I went, me and my brother and sister.

No, just me and my brother. We used to have a house down in Florida. and there was like a club med that was nearby, and we used to sneak in because they had a pool table. Me and my brother were like maybe 13 and 12, and we used to ride our bikes there at night, and we'd shoot pool in the bar. They let us in.

So this guy was like playing pool with us. He was like a middle-aged guy, and he had a few drinks, and then he left, and then we left, and there was a note taped to our bicycle that said, I'm in room 313 if you guys want to party. And we just left. We should be calling it club ped

because this is two for two. There you go. Wow. All right. Final question. What's the last time you like sincerely apologize to somebody? Not including what you'll probably say to me after the show about you flaking on me. I don't feel bad about that. I know.

I take you for granted. I've done a lot of op-hopono-pono. You know what I'm talking about? Pornography? You know Pono, the like Native American? No. It's, let me get the prayer out. You did a Native American prayer?

Yeah, I apologize for culturally appropriating their prayer. it's um it's you say i'm sorry please forgive me thank you i love you so i have like these grudges in my head right i have had in the past just sort of these i've always had like um an opponent right right at every avenue mind if there's someone i'm like fighting and i was like i don't want to do that anymore so i've been doing that like in my like to myself to them so i've been doing a lot of energetic apologies. So you haven't expressed it to anybody. Well, I'm really working on boundaries and there's people that must leave my life. And I can't, it's not about them. It's about sending it to them through myself and like, and cutting that chord with them. Rather than if

I were to reach out to them and apologize. Oh, I actually have a good one. Okay. I got apology too. It's so embarrassing. So I did, um, I did a show that was six episodes. We did six episodes in one day and there was a actress on it oh you told me this last night i love this and i don't want to say the names because i don't want to put any more energy into the most humiliating thing i've ever done and i don't want to take flowers away from these women so um this woman and i am a fan of hers i've seen her work um and they said her name and everything and i still i went up trying to go i think i met you at the comedy store and she goes i'm no and i go no yeah you came in And she goes, no, that was this other woman.

And I went, fuck. Fuck. Here I am. I'm trying to connect with this woman. I want to, like, I want to honor her career. She's older than me, you know, and I wanted to be like, you mean, you, you, you, not mean a lot to me because that's maybe not true. But, you know, you're prolific. Can you add a detail to this story that might illuminate this to people?

Well, I'll just say this. The black producer came up to me afterwards and said, oh, we all look alike. And I said, well, these specific women tend to look a little bit alike. I go, am I really, am I crazy? Do they not look alike? Yeah. It was so embarrassing.

And it was just so like the opposite of the feeling I was trying to give this woman. And so I just went, fuck. She said it. But the truth is, and I said this to you last night, this was not about you. This was about her. She's been confused with this other person throughout her career. Right. And when you're somebody that looks, when you have a doppelganger and show business,

it brings you both down. Like Ryan Reynolds and Ryan, what's his name? Seacrest. No. Who's the other Ryan? Ryan Reynolds is doing fine. Gosling. You think it brought them done?

Having the same name has worked against the two of them. They're doing just fine. They're not doing as well as they could be. There's no one that could be doing better than them. All right, bad example. It's crazy. It's like Jesus and Jared Letto. What about Dennis Quaid and...

Randy? No, not Randy. Which I named my son after. I named my dog after Randy Quaid. Did you? Randy Jackson Quaid. I should put Savage in there, too. Didn't Randy spin out and end up in Canada and drunk?

Yes. Yes. He wouldn't pay his nanny. Oh, he's the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a nut. He's the best. He's the craziest guy. And I have a Dennis Quaid story. Do you want to hear it? Please. So I'm hanging out in New York.

I was living in L.A., but I was doing Girl Code shooting the show Girl Code for MTV in New York. and I was staying like somewhere around Times Square and I run into this guy his name is James Madden but he used to go by Mad Dog Mattern you ever someone drops their nickname and you go there was an option to call you James yeah you made me call you Mad Dog

for the song but anyway very funny guy but he talks like he's like he's very crowdworking and he like says crazy things all the time right so we do a show at Gotham and he's like let's go meet Anthony DeVito he's up in Times Square with Train I don't know what he's talking about with train, on train, whatever.

I'm like, yes, we'll take the train to go see Anthony DeVito, whatever. So we go and we go into the lobby of this hotel and Anthony DeVito's hanging out with the band train. Yeah. And you don't even know

you know what they look like until you see them. And you're like, is that train? Yeah. And so we're like hanging out with them and I'm having like a good hang with them. You know, the lead singer's doing the thing and a lot of people do

where they're like, if I wasn't going to be a musician, I would have been a comedian. What you guys do is so brave. And he's nice, he's fine. drinking a little and I'm the only girl at the table we're all hanging out it's good I'm shooting this thing in the morning I'm feeling like you know I'm somebody yeah we're all hanging out fun fun fun Dennis Quaid stumbles over wasted nice okay I guess they'd seen each other in the in the elevator Randy or Dennis Dennis oh yeah so they

seen each other in the elevator and when famous people see each other they're kind of like you know so they clocked each other and then so Dennis Quaid comes over and they're talking about they go you jam right and he's like yeah yeah yeah and they're like talking about private jets like it was just so fun don't be there and I was like oh and be included in this and he was like yeah yeah yeah and they're like do you have any of your he's like yeah my guitar with my guitar and they're like bring your guitar up to our room so we go up to train's room with dennis quade it's so it's anthony davido anthony p davido uh mad dog and was there no it was just and me and then train and dennis quade nice and we go up and i at like at the

that point had not really listened to that much music. They start playing songs that all the songs are songs that like my dad played like I knew everywhere to every it was just such a beautiful fun night and we're singing these things at one point um Dennis Quaid is shirtless on his guitar playing gin and juice acoustic it's so good it's so fun and I have to go because I'm shooting in the mornings I'm like all right guys I got to go what a perfect night so awesome thank you guys so much I hug Dennis Quaid goodbye I say goodbye to everyone and my hands on the door and I'm about to leave the lead singer of train he goes he goes wait you're not going to fuck our roadie and i went i threw my purse down and i go train i was just about to leave the perfect fucking night

and you had to go fucking do that and uh and then i left and then um i was at bumbershoot the festival doing comedy in seattle in seattle maybe two years later and they had a comics area to eat and then they had the bands area and the band's area was way nicer than ours but it was like pouring rain I had my computer with me we couldn't find the comedy one so we were like go to the security guard

can you just let us into this we're performing we have our bands and everything so they like radio over and they're like yeah you guys can come up so we come up I look across the room and I go well well well train we meet again and he's like oh he's like I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and then he like

text my friend Anthony and was like, tell her, I'm so sorry. So train and I, we no longer have beef, but we had beef for a while. And did you end up fucking the roadie at Bumbershoot? Why, I'd already banged him. There you go. Annie Letterman, I want to give out some tour dates coming up. You're going to be busy at the beginning of the year,

especially. But coming up this month on November 4th, you'll be in Pasadena at the Ice House. We're doing a dating show, me in Jollying Summers. Skank Fest, I'll be with you in New Orleans in November. November 18th, you'll be at the store doing your Annywood and Friends. You should come do it. I would love to.

That sounds great. I'll be away. November 20th to the 22nd, you'll be in Houston. Yes. December 26th and 27th. Potsetown, PA. That's right, baby. Soul Joles.

Love that place. I'm going to Soul Jules, and it's, you know, I'm from Philly, so it's cute. I'll be near the fam. It's very cute. I love the people that run that place. January 9th and 10th in Austin, Columbus, Ohio. They said they got a lot of soul. Columbus, Ohio.

Bloomington, Indiana, Fort Worth, Dallas, Tampa, Edmonton, go to Annie Letterman, L-E-D-E-R-M-A-N.com, get some tickets come out. See, really, just a killer show. Everyone is different. Everyone is hilarious. I will say I'm in a groove right now where these are the best shows in my life. They're so fun.

I feel very connected. It feels like such a vibe. It's really, I'm very grateful for everyone that comes out, and it's so fun. So please come party. And also the Annie Wood podcast comes out every week. check that out on all the streaming services. Annie, what a pleasure. Thank you for reading my dates for me. Of course. That was beautiful. Yeah.

Thank you, Greg. Thank you. I love you. I never talked to him again. This is the last time I ever talked to him. Probably. And you'll have to apologize. Thank you.