Fitzdog Radio - Ari Matti: Hungover & Raised by Savages | Fitzdog Radio

Episode Date: October 15, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Ari Matti shows up hungover and gives Greg Fitzsimmons a crash course in growing up in Estonia, where grandma survived Siberia and apparently stayed alive on cookies, vodka, and rage. The Kill Tony favorite joins Greg for stories about disastrous hookups, running from the cops, questionable dental work, and why comedians might be the worst people to sell merchandise to. They also get into bombing onstage, the craft behind Joey Diaz’s seemingly spontaneous stories, and why Greg wasn’t thrilled to follow Ari at the Comedy Mothership. Plus, AI ruining the internet, American versus British stand-up, and a round of Fastballs with Fitz. Follow Ari Matti:Tour Dates & Tickets: https://arimatti.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arimatticomedy/ This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons:Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadioInstagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmonsTwitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.comTour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTourMerch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch“Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82“Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons:Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadioSunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPodChildish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons:Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitzFitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitzSunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitzStand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitzPopular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a recurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Greg Fitzsimmons. Today I'm broadcasting to you pre-recorded from the Green Lab Studios in Hollywood, California. My guest today will be Ari Maddie, who is from Estonia. We'll talk about that in a minute. But right now, let's talk about what it's on to everybody's mind. Is this, this woman from Tennessee who is like a superhero? They, Christa Pike? Christa Pike.

everybody on death row has t-shirts on christa pike t-shirts, capes. She survived. They hit her with barbitol. Barbital? Yeah. Barbital. And that's it.

Apparently, you would think, why not give her fentanyl? Well, because none of the major drug companies will allow their drugs to be used to execute somebody. Because it's kind of a bad association. for the people they want to take it to get better. So they gave her this barbatol stuff, which apparently, like, normally just kills people instantly. I think RFK suggested giving her some of the COVID Vax. Thought that would get her?

I don't think they did that, but they hit her with a lot. And, you know, look, she murdered somebody. She tortured them. She's a bad person. but this bitch knows how to party. Good, good luck Ruffy and her. You're not, she, she pops Rufie. She doesn't care.

She's a survivor. She was in the womb. I heard this is actually a fact. When she was in the womb, her mom took Plan B three times. And they had the sonogram. She was, she was chewing on them. She was sucking on them like altoytes.

She's getting high off of them. She just, didn't care. So anyway, I don't think we should execute her. I think at this point, if you dodge the bullet, which that's the other way to do it, actually, that would be more effective. But if you get away with execution, you live. That's it. I think it should be like this. You can either be guilty, innocent, or spin the wheel, and you're going to survive half the time. Right? Right. Anyway, I don't think we should execute her again. I think she's clearly, she's an immortal. She's eternal. I think we make her a Navy seal. Let's send her into hostile areas where let's take her, send her into hostage situations. Can't kill her? Anyway, all right. So I don't want to spend her a lot of time because I know everybody wants to see Ari. He's a big deal, but I do want to talk about

prize picks. Prize picks, football seasons here. I just had a kind of a unpleasant experience. It was very pleasant. The Buffalo and the Rams last night was very exciting. I'm a big Rams fan, but I also love the Buffalo Bill. So it was bittersweet when they when they won or lost, depending on which team you're talking about. But I did have a little action going on during price picks. Let me just enlarge this so I can read it. There's a lot of, look, watching sports is fun. I love it. And when I've got a little bit more financial involved, it's even more fun. Now users can get $150 in lineups if they win their first $5 lineup. That's $150 in lineups if you win your first $5. So basically, it's Daily Fantasy. You pick players and you select more or less depending on the situation. They've updated the app.

They've got this search engine, this live box scores. You can track your picks without leaving the app. You can find popular picks other people are using, which I've done. I copy. And and paste them into my, is that legal? Can I say that? I'm a cheater. I'm not cheating. I'm just figuring some people are better at this than I am. I've done pretty well, though. They gave me some money to play with and I'm up. I've doubled my money. Download the app today and use code Fitzdog to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. Download the app today and use code Fitzdog to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5.5 lineup prize picks run your game let's also talk about rocket money oh my god subscriptions we all have

them they're like uh it's like change in your pocket that you find later except it's the opposite it's stuff that you left on the internet that's taking money out of your pocket every month hey that's good you can use that rocket money uh the company um i just i just did a scam of my finances. It took me about maybe 12 minutes to upload all my information. It took another three minutes for them to find, locate, and help me get rid of a bunch of subscriptions. Paramount Plus, I haven't watched that in three years. Andrew Schultz's podcast? When did that get into my credit card? I have no idea. No offense, Andrew Schultz, but I don't remember that. that. So you can see what you're paying for. You can also track your subscriptions. You can do all

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That's rocketmoney.com slash Fitzdog. Rocketmoney.com slash Fitzdog. Make sure you put my name in the little box showing. that I sent you. Give me some credit. Let me make a few bucks. All right, my guest today, you've seen him on Netflix. If you've seen Kill Tony, there's a very good chance you've seen him many times. He kills it on that all. He got discovered on that and he's a staple of it. I know he goes on the road with the killers of Kill Tony. He's from Estonia originally. And he's just a really funny dude. He's walking in here in about 10 minutes. I can't wait to chat with him. Here is Ari Maddie.

Ari Maddie's my guest. Hello, AI. People know that. You're AI. I'm AI. Well, that's the new thing is to be able to, Bird Kreischer will be eventually, there'll be 10 Bird Kreisher shows a night. Every day. No, I'm 10. Right. I just saw the most interesting thing today on Twitter. I saw, So I used to love this porn star, Asa, Kira. Like, she was, like, the first, like, crazy hardcore. Now there's, I think everyone, like, ass play is, like, regular. But I remember back in the day, when you look at clips, you were, like, raised an eyebrow when a girl did ass play. You're like, huh?

Like, okay, because you know that's a separate thing in the contract. I think now they start with the ass. That's first base. I think pussy's now, like, after kissing. Yeah, it's, yeah. Like asses before kissing, maybe. No, ass is the new hand job. Maybe even hand job is more intimate

because it requires more work. Right. And also, you can make eye contact with a hand job. Ass is like very industry cold. I just fill your filthy hole with my like dumb cock. Anyway, so awesome. Anyway, thanks for joining us. I forgot to tell you, this is, I do a G-rated podcast. Oh, uh-huh, very G.

So just don't fucking talk about eating Yeah So I had Adam Carolla do that to me one time His producer Really? He got Well he had this idiot

Who was he was the podcast Broadcast Company And he told Adam at one point That he should do Like for the sponsors He should do Clean episodes And they told me that

And I was five minutes in And I was talking about this Yeah you can't And they don't do that anymore I mean Yeah As soon as you say clean, my brain is us. Yeah, right.

So then this chick, and I remember her from, like, being younger, like watching porn, and now I see her on Twitter, and she looks great. And I'm like, wait a minute, I jerked off to you 25 years ago. Yeah. Or some 20 years ago. Right. How do fuck I use this hot? Right.

She sold her likeness for 4.7 million or something to AI so she can keep doing the porn. No. And the scene was hot. It was pretty authentic. The way the spit, she spat on the, cock. It was too dire. Nobody spits that perfect on my cock. No. So that's where I got. Yeah, there's an heart to it. I was like, oh, there's an art to it. I was like, that's AI. But she looked exactly, and she continues, yeah, and then, and I went through, it's her actual Twitter, but the video she

shares now. I was going to think that maybe it was she stumbled across the best face cream available that's anti-aging. Well, that's used, that used to be the thing. So now, I guess you can do, you can like never retire as a porn star now. Yeah. But, If I know your AI, like there's a guys who watch AI porn now, I guess. If I know there's no real tears behind this hand job, I'm not coming, you know? Right, right. It's like AI music. You want the backstory.

Yeah. It's like AI rock and roll. It's always like, I get it. It's perfect. But I know there's no, you never did heroin and you never like had sex with like a pretty young girl on tour in Arizona. Yeah. I need to hear that. Right, right, right.

You need to hear the pain. Yes. And the ecstasy. Yeah. Something. It's too perfect. So now, a guy like you, you're not hard on the eyes. We talked about this on the way in.

Like in Austin, you're like a, you're an eight and a half to a nine. Until I start speaking, I think. I don't know. I think I got my, in LA, I know it's my teeth. That's right. It's beautiful teeth. Yeah. And I got like really fucked our teeth.

Why? Because they meet each other? Everything's like, yeah. compared to here. Everyone got such beautiful teeth. Yeah, look at mine. Look at my gap. Yeah, you have like real teeth, though.

And then I got this down here. I got that. Oh, yeah, I have like something's hooked in here too. Yeah. But this got knocked out when I was 13 and they put this in. When you were 13? It's in there ever since. I can tell.

It's like a... It's got some miles on it. I think our dental industry in Estonia, they're doing that what they did here four years ago. Well, Paul, you just met. his wife is down in Tijuana, Mexico getting her teeth done. Wow. And it's like a 20% of the price that you pay here. Turkey is huge for hair and teeth to everyone gets.

Oh, yeah, right. But I don't know, like, yeah, like it changes the face too. Like if I've never met somebody. I just got my first friend who had that, like got the whole thing swapped. It took me. What, like veneers? Everything's done. Yeah.

You know, it changes your alignment. Yeah, right. He had a little fucking, like, what is it called in English? Overbite? A Lisp for like a month. Because it changes everything. No, whenever people get the veneers, they start to talk like that a little bit. You can hear it.

And they have a lifetime, you know, that, right? It's a bit scary. They have, like, I think it's like 30 years or something. Well, my friend Tom went down to Mexico because his teeth were right. He was poor for a long time. And now he's like 65 and he finally came into some money. And so he went down to Mexico to get veneers done. And they look great.

I mean, the thing is they didn't make them too white. They didn't make them too straight. Like, they looked good. Okay. And then three months later, he was eating an apple and, like, one fell out, then another one fell out. And so now he's, like, always, like, you know, gluing them in himself. And meanwhile, he spent, like, two grand on the whole set of veneers.

Like, well, you get what you're paying for. There's a reason why it's two grand. Yeah. Right, right. It's like I saw scrolling, those doom scrolling on the Shitterton. By the way, I'm so hungover. I'm pretty banged up. And I saw parachute on sale, like for a cheaper price on Amazon.

It's another deer where you're like, is this the place I want to save money? Yeah. It was like $5.99 literally. And it said like parachute, it said all ranges, all heights, space, whatever you need. jump off. Yeah. One size fits all. Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious.

That's funny. Now, you're hung over. Who were you at with last night? I went to the store. I had a show at the main room, and I just got into it. I just, man, it's like, whenever you have a green room waitress, they think it's funny when you ask a whiskey soda before the show and they give you like a quadruple one. Yeah. But you're nervous.

So, of course, you're drinking a lot. Right. Like, so you don't even know. Yeah. Wait. We were talking about the parish. Parish. Shoots, teeth, hungover.

Where to save money? You're gay. Oh, it's like, that's like, I think out there already. That's the second. Always being gay. Second half. Gay for play. I've done gay things for sure.

I went to Thailand, you know. You know, did you see the video of the lady who got, like, thrown over a bridge? She was doing bungee jumping in Thailand, and they forgot the cord. They forgot the rope. Was it water or land underneath? Land, and like a bridge. like a bridge. They just threw her off with no rope. They just like threw off a lady. It looks very ridiculous because she has no idea. And you find out pretty late. You think it's AI? I hope.

No, no, I don't think so. I hope not. I mean, that'd be such a disappointing. Wait a minute, so let's go back for a second. But with that part, I think it's the same point of like, listen, who bungee jumps in Thailand, their restaurants are on scooters, how far the rope inspection department is. The guys who are throwing you off, they're wearing flip flops. Yeah. Anybody wearing flip flops is going to forget to put the rope on me. Yeah. I need somebody who can run down the hill and save me. You're not running down to hill and flip flops. You think they're going to be like, oh, we're going to find the tie guys. Yeah, right. Just get on the scooter, they're right off. Yeah. I mean, even the food. Like, I would never eat. Did you eat food on the

street? Everything. At some point you just have to. Yeah. I was there for so long that for, I've done tap water in India, dude. Yeah. I just let my stomach know this is what's going on. And then you get sick and then you get over it. Yeah. And then you have some like new, like it's my belly is like Wuhan, you know. Yeah. It just collects new bacteria. Yeah, I love spicy shit all that. I drink water everywhere. Everywhere I go, everywhere people go, don't drink that. Yeah. Okay. Wow. But in India and some places, don't they have like, like I see TikTok videos with this like a swarm of flies on the food. Oh, yeah, yeah. And the bear hands they give you the yeah biriam chicken well it's everything so tell me about you saw it sounds like you went to a lady boy uh-huh yeah can you say that is that the this is that the wrong thing

they and they love that too you could say that they uh you know they're not a fan of like american trans people like lady boys aren't they wait trans lady boys don't like american lady boys they're not even trans there they don't like that word oh oh because they don't take their cock off Right. I'm dude by day. I'm like a Batman. I'm dude by day and lady by night. I'm a lady boy.

I'm not some trans fucking asshole telling some poor surgeon who's got to like avoid heart surgery just so you can build you a new pussy out of your ugly cock. Wow. This is like the mother ship. Yeah, this is the real deal, huh? Lady boys. Yeah. Wait, so what happened?

Did you go in and get a massage? I've never done. I joke about it, of course, but no, I didn't. I was like scared, you know, but. What are you scared of? I don't know, like cock. Why does it scare you? I don't know.

It's like sexuality and like another cock doesn't work with me. It scares you though? Like it doesn't work for you. But my friend like banged one out and he said it was just really dark and he felt their ball slapping together at some points. He said that kind of threw him off. Yeah. But then he just grabbed the tits and. Yeah, that's the thing.

It's less gay than a man, right? because there are breasts. It's probably the straightest thing you can do is to fuck. You want to get pussy so bad that a dude who looks like a chick is close enough. That's probably.

Well, it's almost like because it's kind of gay to be with a woman. Wouldn't you rather be with a dude like talking about sports? Yeah. I mean, yeah. And you get the best of both worlds.

It's definitely, it's definitely gay to fuck women. Yeah. Yeah. Like they're timid and emotional and. And you have to change your personality to get along with them. Yes.

Pretty gay to, like, try to get pussy. Yes. It's like, you got to be like, oh, I listen. Uh-huh. You got to sublimate all your male instincts. Bring down your intelligence quite about. Do you get a girlfriend? No.

Not right now. I go back and forth. Yeah. Yeah. Between men and women? Yeah, girlfriend, boyfriend. What's the longest relationship you ever had? I think it's like two years, maybe.

I'm pretty... So you got into the I love you zone? I don't think I've ever said I love you. Really? If I'm drunk, I'll say to a comedian when I'm leaving or something. If they're really old fat, if they're like fat,

I don't know when I see them again. Yeah, that's true. You want the last words you say to somebody to be, I love you. There's a couple of really killer new comedians who are like coming by the mothership. They make me worried, but they're also super unhealthy.

That's good about comedians. Right. Even the most talented one. you're like, okay, well, three more Christmases. Yeah. I got to compete with this guy. Right, right. I don't like healthy comedians.

And I kind of am one, but that's because I'm older and I got in shape. I didn't used to be in shape. You know, you should really, there's something self-destructive about being a comedian. 100%. And also, like, you don't drink anymore? Yeah. I'm sober. Yeah.

I mean, I still, I don't, like, I didn't drink that much before stand-up, but it's like there's something about especially if you do a full weekend there's something about the late show Saturday it's like almost impossible for me not to have a drink just because it's like

I don't want to see my favorite comedian sober either you know right it's like that's the weird advice about comedy it's like it's like who said it's like evil can evil that it's the attempt

you get paid for the attempt you know yeah stand up but if you went to an Evil Kimmel Show and they tell you, listen, he's really fucked up today and he's off. He's off. I'll pay double. Because I want to see it. You know? How about ballet? Let's have an open bar backstage. I'll pay more money to watch the Nutcracker. Yeah. Like all these hardcore comedian fans, you know, they go on Reddit and they're here. If there's like a myth that a comedian relaps or is drinking again, then the Reddit guys will be like, oh, now we got to go. Because that's what I want to see too. Right. Like if you tell me, do you want to see Dave Chappelle's new killer hour, or you want to see Louis C.K. at his worst, and he relapsed, and he's drinking,

and he's doing weed, and he's doing fucking Coke. Although, if you're going to see Chappelle, you are seeing a drunk, hi, Dave Chappelle. Yeah. So that's a bad example. That's a bad example, yeah. It's like, okay, let's say, hi, I don't know. Do you want to see Brian Regan like now, when he's sharp, or you want to see Brian Regan, like, when he starts doing coke again,

Mary's like a young actress, too young. It's weird. It's weird. Yeah, you want to see the dark guy? I want to see that late show in a half-sold-out room. Like Stanhope's like that. People definitely pay to see Stanhope, you know, in his drunkenness. Yeah, they want to see him back down.

If you see a sober stand, I'll buy one more money back. Well, I think that's what Skankfest is all about. It's everybody at their drunkest, most depraved. And you're playing to that crowd. so you're leaning into it even more. I mean, nude roasts. No one's sober on a nude roast. I hope not.

Holy shit. You remember everything, huh? Yeah. I don't want you no scales. I don't want you know. Right. Have you ever done like a nude stand-up set? You know, it's huge, like in JFL and festivals, they do that.

Have you ever done something like that? No, but I did think when I was younger that I would have done that. You have like big, like, do you know your cocks? Do America men know? Because you don't see each other's cox. I know all my friends' cox because we go to those. sauna together. Yeah. Exactly. Do you, do you know, like, your average size or when did you find out? I know, I can only base it on, like, you know what echo location is? Is that the one bats yous?

So you basically only know how far something is when you're a bat based on the echo. So for me, I only know how big my penis is based on the reaction that women have given me when I make love to them. And it's been impressed. Women have been like, I can't look at my own penis. I can't tell you that that's big or not. And also you can't, because I know I've seen a lot of dick, maybe 16,000, I would say, at least during my life. 16,000?

I mean, why not? I go to saunas my whole life. We go to saunas my whole life. I've went to all types of schools. I went to different practices. I went to wrestling. It seems so specific like you know the exact number. I would say 16,000, no, 34 years old, 64,000 cocks.

Yeah. No, 16,000. 16,000. So, okay, minimum 5,000. Minimum 5,000. 5,000, at least. I've seen 5,000, but how many hard cocks I've seen. I've seen my stepdad's hard cock.

What? And I've seen my, uh, and I saw. I stepped in. They were like making, making sweet love with my mother. Yeah. It was a bad time to step in. I kind of interrupted. Well, it was a bad time to loiter for an extra two minutes.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. That was a choice. Yeah. My stepdad used to like fuck the shit out. My mom and I would hear them bang. Jesus Christ.

Did your mom seem different the next morning at breakfast? It's awesome. Ask like if you want to ask for Christmas gifts, wait. Because I know how my mom comes. Uh-huh. So and when they broke up, you know, that was a tough, like there's nothing harder than having like a single mother that's not getting fucked right. Yeah. Ooh.

You're failing biology. No one knows where the clit is. Oh, my God. I have a simple solution. Uh-huh. Fuck her. That's funny. Nobody knows where the clit.

No, bring your teacher home to fuck her. Oh, I would. She's in a good mood. You get a better grade. When I was a little boy, I would like, there was neighborhood guys and I would like try to set up, set her up with some dates and stuff. Really? Yeah.

I love that shit. Popular kid in the neighborhood, huh? Yeah, it's like good when you're, and my mom was, you know, she drank and she parted, you know. Yeah. And she was like straightforward. You know, she had a little boy. friends around. I love when it was a boyfriend around. Yeah. This bitch got to like chill. Yeah.

Because I'm not doing good at school. My sister's not doing good. Damn. Yeah, I don't know my parents. I don't know how much. I never heard. You never heard. Yeah. Never heard. I mean, we're Irish. So, I mean, you got to imagine my grandfather, all four of my grandparents are from Ireland. My mother, my My grandfather was one of 13, and I went to that house in Ireland. There was two rooms, which means Irish fucking, you don't hear anything. Oh, wow. It's like a stealth bomber. It's drone fucking.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I have a friend who had a story when one time he was a little kid. He has a memory where his dad fucked his mom over him, because he had nightmares. He was sleeping. But they were both fucked up, too. and then his dad like pushed him up, just pushed him up, and then just under. Jesus, this is in Estonia?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Like I said, Estonia, it's like an e-country, you know, we're online. Was it Estonia? Mm-hmm. Is it really? Mm-hmm. I think I'm thinking of the George Orwell novel 1984 where there's Estonia, but it's

pronounced Estonia. They say it like that? Yeah. And what year was the movie? No, it's a book. Oh, the book? But it's before 1991. That's when our...

Well, the book is called 1984, but it was written in the 60s. Oh, yeah. Well, then there was no Estonia. So... Yeah. Yeah. Oh, is that right? We were like single, maybe like... Fuck, people who are from Estonia are going to hate that.

I don't know the exact. It was like 1941, I think. Yeah. But then the Russians came in, then the Germans came in. We had a whole... So this was a World War, post-World War II country. And then they divided up the countries, you know, at the... Yeah.

It was called like a Molotov-Ripponrop. pact, which was like a conspiracy for like 60 years until I think it was like fucking in the 80s when they finally confirmed that that's what they did, Germans, like the allies and axes and Russians. Oh, yeah, the Brits got in there with the red pencil and divided it up. I mean, rolled dice. Yeah, so we went to the Soviet Union, yeah. Man, we were climbing because we're right next to Sweden, Finland, places that didn't go under

Soviet power. Well, what about Italy because your name sounds Italian, you know? Is there any Italian in your family? Never. No. We're right. I think it's Ukrainian and Finnish that I'm like my blood goes. But that's all Estonia.

We're all months. It's such a tiny country. Yeah. Like you know how Americans say I'm like one third, Ashkenazi or whatever you guys say? You guys are three percent this, three percent that. It's like our like you know you guys do like Ancestry.com and stuff? I put in my name there are like everyone's dead.

You're like the records. I mean, You know. Some of your genetics are from countries that probably don't exist anymore. For 100%. Yeah. Like my grandma got taken to Siberia twice. She escaped and they took her back.

What? Great, like Terminator just kept coming back. Where did they take her away for, speaking out against the government or something? No, she had a boyfriend that was, she had a love affair. That was a pilot for the Soviet army. But the neighbors, her best friend also loved the guy. So she ratted on her as a traitor. You know, that's how a lot of people got taken.

You just made some bullshit up about your neighbor, you know, I said they're a traitor or their enemy, enemy of state. That's what they used to say. So what was the charge, that she was sleeping with? No, like, literally, like, oh, she's anti-Russian or whatever. That's all they got to say. Yeah. And you're gone.

Wow. A bit in Estonia, too. Like, you know, everybody says it's such a horrible thing to do to put together a list. But listen, I have, we all have a list. in our head of people. If you could get them away from you? Yeah. Yeah.

Right. What's this woman's name? My grandma? No, the one who narmed on her. Oh, yeah. It must have been some fucking... She's probably got a grandkid right now that you could... Maybe I should...

Yeah. That's a good idea. The Estonia way. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Erased some fucking ancestors. And my, like, grandma, you know, it's like she escaped twice from the Russians,

and in Estonia, it's funny, like, you know, like generational trauma, it's like, I'm not, I have nothing against Russians. I mean, there was some tension when I was growing up. We had some, we've always had some weird stuff, you know, with Ukraine. Of course, there's always, but personally never had anything. But my grandma is like funny, you know. If you've, I mean, if you've been taken to a camp in Siberia twice, you get to say whatever you want.

Yeah, right. And we have like words that are like very offensive for Russian people. We call them onions. Onions? It's like the N-word. Yeah. You're a fucking. Really?

Yeah. You're fucking. onion. It's over. It's fistfight city. So my grandma would be like saying crazy shit. Like I visited her when she was she passed away like a year ago. I was in her where she was 94 and she literally like I go to her apartment and on the ceiling in the kitchen. I see all these holes. It's because she has a Russian piece of shit renovating upstairs all the time and she keeps grabbing the broom and for four years. That's what keeps. your life, rage.

As soon as she was happy, she passed away the next day. As soon as you're happy, it's over. If you remember. You need that tension. You need that tension, yeah. So it is amazing when you think about these like west side of L.A. women that go to yoga class and only have cleanses and they think they're going to live forever.

And then you take a woman like your grandmother who was in concentration camps. Concentration camp, no nutrition, vodka, only bread, no nutrition ever, only sugar, cookie. She had like cookies and vodka. Wow. Was she fit or was she overweight? She was overweight, but mobile as fuck. 94. And yelling. Three flights of stairs, right?

Oh, stairs. No, no. Yeah, there's no elevator. Stairs, everything. Yelling. I go to grocery store to meet her. I would hear her in the grocery yelling at a Russian guy calling him a faggot. And an onion? Yeah, right. And you look at your back. Just fighting.

Damn. They couldn't keep her down. Did she ever get in a physical fight? in front of you? Well, she hit me a few times. She likes Spank. She was pretty rough. Yeah. Was she your caretaker? No, but my mom was. But I stayed with her a few times. Yeah. Like all legal, open hand, you know. Yeah. But I'm fucking six. Yeah. That open hand is coming from a 200-pound mammal to a tiny little gay boy. Let me tell you something. I have strong feelings about parents hitting their kids. You don't like that? I got hit a lot. And I didn't like it. By father or

mother. Both. See, I never had a father in my life. And my stepdad, he stepped up to me a few times, but he never did anything. Thank God. But he hit my mom, which I think is even worse for a young boy. I think so. It's way worse to see that, because especially if you're like 12, 13, 14, all this testosterone is introduced to your body and all these masculine and nothing makes you feel less masculine. Yes. And it's not even a father. He don't even look like me. It's just a dude. And he's banging your mom. Banging and banging. Right.

So that kind of fucked. I think that did some stuff. And my mom spanked me, I would say four or five times, deserved lingri so. And when I don't know how it was with your mother, but my mom is such a bitch that she would spank me, but I knew she's going to regret this. Yeah.

So the next day I would get like a nice gift. So every time I got spanked in my head, I would already think about what to ask. Yeah. And I would play it up. I would cry extra hard, like passion with the cries, on the knees. Yeah,

how good your mother? Just women have empathy and you can use that as a weakness. Yeah, yeah. No, my mom, my mom was, both my parents were very loving and very sweet and very funny. Mm-hmm.

But they were raised in the Bronx. A year. Irish parents. And it was just built the end of the church. They went to Catholic schools. And the priest and the nuns would slap the shit out of them. So when it came to us,

I actually, I would say we probably got hit less than they did. But now I've got two kids that are in their 20s. I've never hit either one of my kids. Not boys or boy and a girl. Well, okay, yeah. You can't hit a girl. That's too fucked up. Well, you're hitting a child either way. Boy or a girl. It's a child. You've got a hug a daughter. But maybe, I would say with my five spankings that I got, I got them so deserving. There was no way she could have communicated. Yeah. Because I'm an animal. I'm a young boy with a sister and a mom. No parental guidance, no father figure. Yeah.

Nobody to like, no, I'm scared of nobody. And also, when you're getting spanked by your mom, what kind of playing but 10th? I could turn around a Muay-Klin shoe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Right. I could elbow. At what age?

Like, she spanked me way too late, too. Nobody mean, at what age could you have stood up to her? Twelve easy. Yeah, 12. Needs to the stomach. Low kick. She's got a bitch ass. A little knee, she had bad knees.

Fuck her. But you never want to do that. Of course, it's your mother. It's kind of fucked up to, like, kick your mother and then ask for dinner. What are we married? Yeah, you got to make up before she starts cooking. You don't want shit in your food. And the way she would spank me, too, it was, like, very dramatic,

but she definitely didn't want to do it. But I think it's a single... What I think is also, it's... There's no excuse for sure, I think, especially in these days. But I also think it's like the environment. You know, this was like late 90s, post-Soviet Estonia, single mother. And this is like Estonian single where there's no benefit, there's no child support. We don't give off.

There's no welfare. You're over. Curbside. She's got two jobs. She's got a sister that's discovering fucking NSYNC and trying to jerk off in the shower, you know. Then she's got me, a lunatic climbing everywhere, jerking or just jerks. It's so much gone everywhere. And I'm not listening.

I'm not cleaning my room. you know, I start drinking a little bit with like some friends, you know. So I think in her sense, it's with today's parenting and the possibilities, and especially if you're making money and you're a middle-class family, there's no reason to hit your kids, I don't think. Right. In her place, I would say, she had, you know. I agree, poor kids should still get beat.

Yeah. You know, because they got nothing to look forward to anyway. Yeah, she's giving me a realistic what this is going to be. Yeah, here it comes. Yeah. They're ready. But that's interesting, yeah. Like, so do you have, like, friends who hit their kids?

Or, like, because. Not that would admit it. In L.A., you would never admit it if you hit your kids. But you could tell the kids that have been hit. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because you go to give them a high five and they duck. Oh, yeah. You're like, okay.

Thank you. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Right, right. Good grades. Yeah. It's always like, what I noticed in America so far is when I, I live in Austin, I live in a pre-residential neighborhood, too.

Lots of kids around. The most polite kids, immigrant kids, like Indian. Oh, yes. No, the Latino kids in L.A. are the, my kids went to a Latino school. Uh-huh. And my kids were the worst behaved kids in the school, and they were not badly behaved kids. Yeah.

Compared to the Mexican kids and the Guatemalan kids. Yeah. Oh, my God. You drive past a bus stop in L.A. And you'll see a Mexican mom with four kids. They're fucking lined up in high. how you'd order holding hands, not saying shit. Not saying shit.

I don't know if, I don't know that necessarily Latinos hit their kids more, but there's just a sense of, I don't know. It just, it's, I don't think it's only, it must be mental. There's a lot of things you can do, do a child. Yes. To, but it's interesting. Yeah. And then like, I hear the white kids, well, there's a school bus that stops.

So there's a stop. So sometimes over here these kids talk. I heard this like one white kid, like she's on her phone. She's maybe like 13. She's got the iPhone. But she's like the bitch of the group. Yeah. But she's the leader bitch.

And she's got nails already. And she's talking about if she's like, fuck you, mom. We're not coming. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, wow. Yeah. That's pretty crazy to say fuck you, mom. I guess that's pretty crazy.

But you know what's crazier is like a 40-year-old guy listening to a 13-year-old girl in his neighborhood at a bus stop. Well, they're there, you know. Yeah. They are. Yeah. They are there. I mean, that's the reason why I got the house. Or two.

Why are you telling the realtor? Are the schools good around here? Why you have kids? No, just curious. I don't have a kid yet. Yeah. Well, you're not going to. You can't say I love you to a woman.

Jesus Christ. Unless you want to just have a... Oh, no, I think I've said it to lie. I think I've lied. You've never meant it. Nah. Why are you so hard because of your childhood? No.

I don't know. But women are lovely. They're great, yeah. No, I really like them. Yeah. I've always had a great time with women. Yeah. You're a fan?

Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, we've got to get more women to this comedy shows. Like, we've got to get Matt Rife more involved in the community. It's good. Can you imagine the choices Matt Rife has when he gets off stage every night? Wow. I mean also women are the best like women are the best

like I don't want to say fan base but the best people to do entertainment business in if you have if your fan base is female you're going to make money because women are the only ones spending constant money on their favorite like men are horrible fan base if you think about it yes we're on Reddit well you did that bit last time I saw you yeah chicks you can do the same hour 10 years in a row. They don't know. They just cheer. You're bombing. They go, you're so brave. You kill. They're like, that was awesome. Yeah. Every time I bombed and at the meeting greet, if it's a woman, they always say, oh my God, that was so interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also think that when couples go out at night, the woman is buying tickets. She's deciding what to do. That guy don't want to go nowhere. Guys don't want to go nowhere. We don't want to buy the merch. We want to leave early to beat the traffic. We don't want to do the meeting greet. We don't want to be in line. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go anywhere. We don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. order the drinks. I don't want some other dude making my girl laugh. That's right. Yeah. Dude, if I went to a comedy show and my girl's like laughing harder. Yeah. I'd rather let you fuck my girl than make her laugh hard, you know. What's her name? But that's funny you say that

about the merch because I would say 99% of my merch women buy it. 100%. I mean, I sell dildos, but still, that's a high percentage. Tampons and Tildos, yeah. This is what you guys like, right? Stilettos. I mean, I don't know what it is, but it's just the women. You sell merch after the show? I have T-shirts, yeah. What do they say?

It's just me doing a high kick. How long do you think of that? It's like a Jordan logo, like Air Jordan, but it's me doing a high kick. But then it's in reference to a bit that I used to have, I'm doing like a Heil Hitler, but with my feet. Oh, okay. I don't even see. Yeah. So anyway, yeah.

But it's just I don't even know about merch either. Like, when I see the numbers of like, am I getting money? It's like, because you got to fucking send the shirts back. You got to do the thing. You got to ship them to the game. And then if one guy steals one shirt now my whole revenue is fucked because I have to sell eight to make one. Yeah. So now, oh, great.

I gave like two shirts away to a fan. Yeah. It's over. Minus. That's a minus. You know what I do? What? I sell pins.

Yeah, because they're small. Yeah. They cost me just a few. bucks. I sell them for 10. Cash only. I don't take credit cards, Venmo, Bitcoin. Fuck you. You give me the cash. And I'll go home with that cash. Come home with my wife, I'll sell $100, $150 in a weekend. Come home, I hand her $1,500 bucks in cash. She starts counting it out on the table. I'm rubbing her back. Bam. There's nothing harder than... There's merch is always funny. There's this big commuter. I'll tell you who it is later. There's this big commuter. I don't even know

the story is true, actually. I heard this a few years ago that when he bought, like, when DVDs came in, oh, no. He bought, like, I think, 250,000 DVDs of his own special. I see where this is going.

Yeah, and then, of course, they have to have a warehouse that he needs to pay for the keep keys and there's a shipping. I mean, it's 250,000 DVD. These are big fucking boxes. Yeah. So then, of course, as soon as DVDs come out,

I think DVDs were around for, like, three to, four years. Then it was Blu-ray. And as soon as the USB is all or like, I've seen this was online. It's over. And it was over so quick. I remember how quickly like discs. Because it was like, it was like CD. I remember it was like VHS. So it's still a thing. Yeah. The form. What do you guys have? Track eight or what did you guys have? A track? A track. Yeah. Yeah. So it was still a thing. And then it was yeah, discs. Then it was CDs. And then nothing. Now it's like nothing. Yeah. Yeah. So all that, so you bought like $250,000.

And then within like two years, he sold maybe like, he was a big comedian. He sold maybe $30,000. So $210,000 left. And just DVDs for some reason. They were just out. And then he had to pay the cooling in the warehouse because rats kept going in and eating all the DVD boxes. And they're getting like lead poisoning from eating the DVDs. So then the rats started dying in a warehouse and just started.

like rotting all over these DVDs. So these DVDs started like rotting with these rats. And it was like so crazy. I think he lost. I think he, yeah, he had to tour like for a year like to get that. He was big too. Oh my God. Merchers always so funny to me.

I can remember selling DVDs and when it started getting to the end and I was just trying to liquidate my final boxes, I could remember saying at the end of the show, I'd be like, I'll be selling my DVDs after the show show and for an extra $20, I'll sell you a DVD player. Oh, that's funny, yeah. But I have like one box. I save one box just for my grandkids.

Yeah, and in case it's coming back. Good come back. Well, vinyl's back. Yeah, vinyl strangely. I think it's like in the first time in like 25 years. It's not declining. It's actually like moving up. Yeah.

Now vinyl's fun. Yeah. I've never been a fan of, like even if I, like Netflix is easy because you stream it and if it goes away, I'm not angry because I get new shit all the time. But I always, I'm that type of, I think it's a communist thing, do you want to own it? Yeah. I hate digital purchases for some reason. I've never liked it.

I hate the, like, so I don't have it anymore. Yeah. I love like something in physical. I think that might be coming back at some point for sure, yeah. Yeah, I think that things are rolling back. I think like I could tell you from my kids, they want, like my son. reads books now. He used to listen to books and go to Kindle. And now he loves having a hard book in his hand. And my daughter, she wanted to turntable two years ago. And now she and I go out to

record stores and I buy her records that I think she should be listening to. Wow. Now, a lot of it's gone back. They don't want online dating anymore. They want to be in bars. They want to meet people at parties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's like a, there's a swing back a little bit. For sure. And And that might be the upside with like, you know, everyone's nervous about AI and social media. But with all the bots and AI and non-genuine content, the upside, I think, might be that at some point we literally think of it as like, it's like a crazy guy yelling at the street. Or it's like, like just scrolling. Like a feed won't even matter because it's all bullshit. Even now, it's pretty hard to find anything that's like entertaining to me just because there's so much AI.

And you see a news article, but I already know not to. like trust it, you know. Right. So it's like, even on Twitter, there literally be like a tweet like, oh, U.S. just attacked Russia, missile land, 14,000 dead. And it's a fully made up. Right. Bots are retweeting it to make it seem more real.

Right. It's like, oh, fuck this. Or they'll tell you that like, you know, people charge the capital and they went to jail and then the president let them all out. Yeah. And now he's raising a fund to give them money as a reward. Like, and you go, that's not, that's not possible. Yeah.

How could that be real? So let me ask you this. You, you're, you, you've opened for me at the mothership. And I remember the first time I met you, you were open it for me. And I said to Adam E, and I go, thanks a lot. I wanted to fucking enjoy this week. I got you going up there slaying for 30 minutes before me every night. No, but it was great.

You really get the crowd going. and then I think, obviously you're not opening for anybody anymore, but I remember seeing you on your way up and you would do kill Tony, and you come out with new material every time, and instantly had respect for you. Thanks, man. You were very sweet. I was nice, right?

You were very nice, yeah. Troublesome and nice, yeah. Yeah. It's like, what's this guy? Yeah, there's a plan here. What's with this pre-show meeting in the bathroom? And you and it's like you and Joe DeRosa, I just thought about him today,

are two guys that there's not a lot of comedians who've been in the game as long as you have who still talk about bits. You know, you still do comedy. Like, I don't mean you go on stage. A lot of famous people, a lot of comedians who've been in the game a long time, they go on stage, but are they doing stand-up comedy?

Like, thinking of an hour or thinking of bits or do they want to riff bits? There's a lot of like people who, who shut down 15 years ago and it's just a bag. And it's just like an automatic thing they do now. And they don't want to get up there. They hate the show. They hate working it out.

And I think that's what keeps you in the game the longest is if you're still interested in the actual bits. But that's sometimes the hardest to love too, you know. Because sometimes you lose focus. Well, it's a lot of energy. You know, like I just went. I ceremoniously, I didn't write a lot this year. I feel like maybe I have 20 new minutes from the, like solid minutes from the year. Like if you had said, you know, let's do a new special, I'd be like, I need another six months.

So anyway, so I ceremoniously went out and I bought a nice notebook. And I started sitting down about six weeks ago. Oh, wow. And like really sitting down five days a week. Wow. And I write five pages. Damn. Just freehand.

Not like trying to tweak the wording of a joke. Of course. Just get it out. Get it out. Just flow. and it's amazing when you flow the shit that comes out and it's like sifting for gold

because a lot of it's dirt and a lot of it's water and crap but then all of a sudden a line comes out that if I was waiting to preciously write a good joke it would never come but if you just and it's the same thing with riffing with comics

like you got to feel safe where you can fail and they're going to bust your balls and that's their way of saying you know, we're not judging you. For sure. You know?

And that's when you find something good that comes out. And I feel like the mothership is kind of like that on stage of like, I don't think the crowds care if you fail, but you're trying. If you're exploring. I think they're into the process. For sure. There's more fans of that now than ever, for sure, comedy like that. And it's happened like recently too.

Even if you think about, let's think about like Louis, always like Louis C. D.K.'s biggest, like, it was hilarious or something? What was the one special that really, like, blew him up where I remember? I think hilarious. I think hilarious or something. Yeah. So that was maybe recorded, what was it? 16, 17 years ago.

95% of people in that crowd still thought it's magic, you know? Yeah. Until very recently, and I literally, I think maybe five years ago, it has gone from like 2% of the crowd knowing it's fake to 51%. And now you have to dance around the, fact that it's an act a little, you know. Yeah. But even those crowds in those specials, they had no idea. Like, people still, you what do you mean the work that went into it? Uh, that's an act. I mean, you know, you know, still, I would say like everybody, you mean, these crowds just thought

this guy comes out and just, 100%, just rants and this comes out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I thought that when I was younger. Of course, as a comedian, you think that's not common. But if you start actually talking to people, like regular people who don't have a favorite stand-up comedian, They go to stand up once every once a year maybe just because somebody got them tickets or they do like somebody. They don't even know. They kind of have heard Rogan, maybe somebody talk about an act. They don't actually know. No, no, no, no.

Even the slip up is a mistake. Even the water break, you know. Right, right, right. He's done this so many times. Yeah. That's very rare. But now people are so more aware that you kind of need to trick them again. Yeah.

You know, you kind of. Well, I think good comics. I mean, that's not true. There's a lot of comics that, like you look at an Anthony Jesselneck, right? He's very crafted and very stylized. You're right. You wouldn't think he's riffing. You know what?

You are right. I didn't think about that. But you look at other people that are so conversational. Like, you know, Joey Diaz, like, I still think it's coming out. And then you see him like a month later and you're like, oh, that's an act. He makes it feel that real. I know. I love that.

Yeah. That feels that's like what I love about comedy too. It's like, yeah, exactly. Joey, I was just thinking that I just saw Joey, same thing as I saw him at the Mothership. Month later, I see him at sunset. I see the same bit. Yeah.

Even there's a, there's a false remembering something. There's a stutter that he has to set up the punch rhythmically so it makes sense. Right. And as of like a fan of the art, dad, I love seeing that even though you might look at him, there's this crazy Uncle Joe, he's back there, he's parting, he's got hookers probably, and he just walks off that rocks it. Yeah. No, no, no, this motherfucker, he, uh, he knows he makes an adjustment.

And he gets off stage and he calls his daughter. Yeah, he has a Diet Coke. Yeah, exactly. And he thinks about the sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, there's not a lot of comedians like that that still work really hard on bits. It, like, gets difficult in. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I remember one of the best pieces of advice I got. I was one of these guys that went to a workshop when I started. I didn't know. Right. But there was this guy, Nick Cody, he's on Australia. comedian he gave a great uh he said the only thing you have to worry about in the first 10 years is that you can enjoy it yeah have fun yes and you need to learn it and he goes no no no i know you all you guys think having fun means that i'm having fun no no learn to have fun like learn to use it as a

tool where you can always like have fun with writing jokes because if because there's so many comedians who are successful, but nothing gives them worse anxiety or panic than being on stage. There's a lot of comics that I'll see before they go on stage, it really looks like they're about to get shot. And you kind of want to be like, hey, you don't need to do this. You know, you can take time off or do anything else creatively. They kind of play themselves into the spit. You see Theo before he goes on?

No. I've seen Theo, of course, but now. He gets a little stressed out before he goes on. No, I get to and I express my, but I think with him. He also needs to express and needs to have that. It's like Joey gets pissed off before he goes on. Bobby Lee gets really nuts before he goes on. Yeah, I've seen.

But then he kills 100% of the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's also a vehicle of him having fun. With me, it's like as soon as I think I'm the shit, I bomb. If I'm nervous, it gets good. No, my best set is I don't do well on the early show, and then there's a late show. That late show puts you in your, the first one puts you in your place.

And so you come out on the second show, Humble, and you've got to earn it, you know, that early show, that crowd maybe is a little, it's seven o'clock, it's the summer, they come in, they're tan, they got their sunglasses on their head. They're not there to laugh. It's just an extension of a day out they had it as a tourist. That reset mentally, too, like doing two shows back to back. It's like an insane kind of thing to do artistically that you have to like pretend it's like you're making it up to just to sell it all. Yeah. And it's, uh, and it's also like we're fucking, we're, we're rodeo. We're Bronco riders. And it's like a guy doesn't ride a fucking bucking bull, get thrown off, dust himself off, and then get on another bowl. You take the rest of the night off. We get back on the fucking bowl again an hour later. And also just, just because it's talking the, the, the, the, like, between it's working as good as it ever can. and between it not working at all,

it's actually tonally, like a pretty minor adjustment sometimes, but it can make a world. Like, I don't think there's a lot of careers in the world that you can do for 20 years and you go up there and for some reason it looks like it's your first time, you know? Like, if you're a hockey player, you can have a bad game, but I can't imagine one day you go and you can't even skate. You're like, oh, I can't even.

But stand up, sometimes you can be in a bad groove then five minutes into your act, you're like, fuck, if I saw myself for the first time, I would think, oh, it's his first year. Yeah, but it's crazy. No, when you're bombing, when I'm bombing, and I still bomb. Oh, 100, of course.

And I'm in the middle of that bombing set, and I know I'm going too fast. I know that my voice is not intonating. It's flat. It's fucking flat. But the bit is the same. No, but I'm saying, yeah, the bit's the same. Same, right. And the reaction's different.

There's a little, yeah. And it's just like, it's not catching any traction. And so you, but there's always a place in the middle of that set to fight your way out. You can always come back. And sometimes it means talking to the crowd a little bit. Sometimes it means pulling the curtain back and going, hey, I am bombing right now. And then they can kind of laugh. Because I think the worst bomb is when the audience is watching you bomb and knowing you're hiding it.

and now it feels false. Now they know you're lying because everyone knows you're not doing well. Yeah. But if you admit you're not doing well, maybe they let you back in again. They may be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. But it's a fine line because you can also... So fine.

You can also tell them you're bombing and they didn't think you were bombing. Yeah, we're very sensitive. Like you can do a show that you don't think is good and then I'm selling my pins afterwards and they come out and they're all going, that was amazing. I had such a great time. I know. You go, well, I'm glad I kind of kept my chin up and just got through the set then instead of having a meltdown about it. Yeah, for sure.

So you never know which way to go. Comedians are like super sensitive. And it's funny how it's, you're always, like I did Edinburgh Fringe a few years ago with my friend, Andrew Packer is a Canadian comedian. We did some gigs, you know, hopping around. Yeah. And we're on our bicycles. We're smoking a little weird, so it's a beautiful day. And we have two gigs back to back where we both follow each other.

And for some reason, even the new. bits are working and you feel like, what the fuck? Yeah. Two games back to back. Oh my God, we're in Edinburgh. And we're riding in these bicycles. And for some reason, we're so happy and we're giggling like children and we're going to another gig.

Yeah. And the sun starts going down. And for some reason, we were quiet for like two minutes. And my friend Andrew looks at me and goes, I think it's going to be really bad. You know, it's like an abusive husband, like stand up. Yeah. You can feel it. Yeah.

Long before, we go to this gig. And it's the biggest crowd out of those three gigs. That doesn't matter. We kill two times. There's no way God loves us this much. Also, you were happy. Yeah, exactly. Bro, and I remember thanks so much.

We knew it. You feel it. Sometimes you bomb so hard, it feels good. Oh, yeah. It feels real. Because now you know I got to kill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know you're going to kill.

And also, it gets so ridiculous. When you're bombing so bad, it gets so ridiculous that you start, you start floating above your body and you're watching it happen? In my head, it's like you have, like the crowd has no idea that I'm having a full-blown, like, meeting about my whole business

and I think we're shutting it down. Yeah. I'm having doubts about everything, the act, everything's fucked. Everything's fucked. Yeah. In my head, I'm like, this is why I don't do a fucking third show

on the fucking Saturday. This is why I told them, I don't know what the fucking 3.30, you fucking, but outside, it's like, hey, the avocado, you know, when is it ready? Yeah, yeah, when is the avocado ready? That's the thing is that you see people grab an avocado at the supermarket and they squeeze it and you're like, you realize that's five bruises.

You broke it. You just broke it. You are molesting that avocado for the next guy. You don't squeeze it hard. You hold in your hand. You look at the color. And if you squeeze it, it's like being a guy who has sex with a virgin and you go hard. Okay.

You don't do that to the next guy. You think of the next guy. You think of the next guy. You go gentle. Maybe, you know, maybe six, seven strokes. Call it a night. Okay. I've never thought of the next guy.

No. Even though he's outside the door. Yeah, I reckon avocado. I go, fuck, I squeeze it so hard. Did you have avocados in Estonia? Probably not, right? Was there any produce at all? Just cabbage?

Lots of cabbage. A lot of cabbage. Everything that can survive a rough winter. Yeah. Yeah. And you can hide from the army. You can always tell how pork a country is by how much cabbage they eat. Oh, 100%.

Because it actually has a fair amount of nutrients. Oh, no. You can live off cabbage. No, it turns out like we ate potatoes because they grow under snow. Yeah. Cabbage, potatoes and pork, that's all we did. Yeah. And it's funny people sometimes ask me, what's Estonian food like?

And it's like, well, if you have to, like, I don't know if you know, but the Soviet Union wasn't exactly a culinary. You know, like if you have, you're Irish. Yeah. What, like, what was the recipes? You're like, mom. Cabbage, potatoes. Same thing.

We had a famine. Exactly. Yeah. It wasn't a famine. It was a starvation by the British. We had, we were growing produce. Yeah. In the 1800s.

The British were fucking holding us. They occupied us. And they basically took all the produce from the farmers and the cattle. And they took it out. To use for the army to, yeah, yeah, that's what we did. And they, the British would export. it to other countries for profit while a million people starved to death. Well, that's all that Russia did, yeah, with all these communist countries too that were,

that they just occupied. They took all the fucking shit. Right. Is that fertile land, Estonia? Can you grow stuff there? Compared to other parts of Russia. Yeah, it was. Yeah.

And also, we have a coastline, so it's like the fish is good. Oh, okay. And so you realize it's like, it's not a natural poverty that you're in. Yeah. It's interesting. and with cuisine and like, you know, it's like you don't have time to experiment with basil when the army is outside, you know. You don't ask for thyme at the bread line.

Right, right. Cooking is a luxury. Yeah. But interesting enough, a lot of those recipes, and you could count it to whatever country, exactly, like Ireland, you could even go to Asia, the ones that were occupied. Anthony Bordano says it's so beautifully that, like, that recipes, it's like, you might think that recipes get better, the more you have opportunity, but it's actually the opposite.

The more, you know, you have constraints of weather, conditions or money, you know, the more the food actually becomes like more exciting because that's when the good shit comes out. I always find that. You could go to like some... Vietnam or something. Yeah, exactly. It's such an exciting food because they had those constraints and those rules and whatever.

So it's interesting. It's kind of like stand-up, you know, if you can only talk. It's pretty a limited option what you can do. Yes. But in those constraints, there's huge liberty. But sometimes I think we put those constraints on ourselves as stand-ups. Like people want to shit on Caratop because he uses props. Go see Caratop.

He's kind of, he's hilarious and he's very inventive. And he's being way more creative than most stand-up comics that takes. Take the mic out of the stand, move it to the side, talk about the same 12 topics. You know, you get a guitar act. They used to make fun of guitar acts back in the 90s. Why? Because they're playing interesting music. Well, it's hard to follow.

It's hard to follow. That's why they dislike them. Because it's stimulus. Yeah. It's like, what the hell? Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting. Definitely stand-up is like one of these art forms.

But I think also having those constraints also creates that liberty inside the art form. Yes. If there were no rules altogether, you could do five minutes, you can do 50, you don't get the light. Right. You can do two mics. You can put one up your ass. You can do a hardwheel backflip. You can light a lion on fire. Why not? I know. I know. I get it. But that's entertainment. Yes. But there is that the reason why we get good stand-up in America especially is because America put it into a box. Yeah. Are you a stand-up or are you not? Yeah. Why do you think British comics don't go over well in the United States? What do you think is different about it?

about it. Well, similar... Because you've got guys like Jimmy Carr, who's brilliant. Brilliant. Yeah, great comic. And he hasn't built up the kind of following that some of the big U.S. comics have. I think, well, Jimmy kind of still does, especially like one-liner style. It's easy, more easily, palette. It's more easy, like... Digestable? Digestable for Americans. Yeah. Than usual British stand-up, which is pretty dry. Yeah. But I don't know, but the theory could be similarly to why stand-up was never big in Russia is because of the Estrade, you know, their TV programs, they steal material, they have all this shit, you know, the TV. So stand-up never started that. And also, I think in America, and I still think traditional stand-up comedy is a very American art form, due to the fact you had all these different, of course, immigrants moving into this plot of land.

It's a new country. So a lot of rules are made up on the spot and a lot of clashes of culture and a lot of clashes of classism. And I think here, stand up has always been more underground. It's like, I tell it like, I'm with you and fuck the government, you know. The stage is low. The ceiling is low. I'm in the people. Even if you watch old Lenny Bruce, that's all he did.

He was like, you know, I'm dropping end bombs to the face of black guys. But I'm here. Right. I'm not trying to act like I'm better than you. Right. But I'm here. I'm talking with you. I think at least that's a good point.

Yeah, I like that. I mean, it's like, yeah, this country, there's never been any kind of barrier to entry and stand-up comedy. So like theater culture. Jews, blacks, I are everybody. And whatever you say. Yeah. And theater culture, I think in America got a little like elitic, elitism, you know. It got a little like, it's a little snobby.

Where stand-up coming from these dirty, fucked up bars in New York or where was the, where Woody Allen and all those guys went. Yeah, Greenwich Village. Yeah, yeah, Greenwich Village, all these hippies. It's kind of like fuck the system. Like fuck these elitist fucks that think were so better. Because theater is all about like, look at what I can, you know. And I think at least in our culture, both Soviet culture, Soviet culture, and maybe in England too, the culture of stand-up comes more from the theater school. So the stages were always a bit higher.

It was more like a wall between the performer. It's a little... Best ballet in the world because it's very presentation. And I think with that stand up, this is just a theater, maybe got influenced too, because if you watch British comedians,

and I used to live in London a little bit too comedy there too, it is, they talk to the audience as if I am a little better than it. And the audience agrees. They're back there like, you are and we want you to be better than us.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. I haven't heard somebody articulated that well. That's what it is. It's not that they're not, It's not that they're condescending. No, but... It's that there's an acceptance that they are the most intelligent person.

But the audience lets you have that, too, be better than me. We like... But in America, I think once performers start being like, I'm better than you, I think the American public is like, no, no, no, no, we own you. Because you're stand-up comedian. You're your fans. You're talking about Sebastian right now?

It's like... Once you get your own channel on Sirius X-M, yeah. All right, let's do a thing that we like to round out the episode with It's called Fastballs with Fits. Here we go. It's a basketball reference? What's a fastball or it's baseball? That's a baseball.

Fast. Never seen a game. Jesus. Really? Any American game. I really want to, though. Okay. What's the big sport in Estonia?

Fleeing. All right. Ever been arrested? It's like. Like Estonian arrested. Yeah. They give me a kiss on the forehead and they take me home to mother. Okay.

What did you do wrong? I was on a motorcycle that I wasn't supposed to be on and I was doing way fast. And then I thought I got away from the cost. But of course you got a license by your fucking asshole. So they come to my house. But they want to make me sit in the car just to be dramatic. Yeah. And then one time I was without a license in my mother's car.

And I was at the grocery store and we had the insurance, expired, everything. And the cop, I saw it. him past me. And the way I reacted, I'm like 17. He saw me like through the window. We made eye contact. And when you're 17, you're so, you don't got it like that. And this is a, this is a police officer. He's seen this all. And I see him turn around and I floor it. Oh. And I go between the roads. And they meet me. They meet me at my house and they corner them in with two cars. And they do a really dramatic like get out the car and all that. But no, they didn't bring it to the station or no. No. He parked the car. No, no.

And then one time I almost got arrested with my friend. He was, we were both underage drinking and we had weed. And he was like, I was holding on to him being drunk. And for some reason, the cops start pulling him into the van. And I can see the cop look at me. See, he thought he's like a rubble arousal starting trouble with a random guy. And I was trying to like maybe wrestle him away or something. So I just leave my friend there.

Wow. Just walk away. I just, we make a gun on and it's fake it. Close one. My friend got arrested for wearing blackface, because that's actually a crime. And they brought him to the station and they fingerprinted them. And then he just held his thumb up and he goes, but this is okay? I just thought of that just now.

Blackface is huge in Estonia, by the way. Is it really? By the way, I think it's coming back. Talking about props, huh? Yeah, right. I think I'm the original comedians We're blackface Yeah I think I'm the guy to do it

Like with the kill Tony And the whole like manosphere You have to get new head shots Yeah I think I can bring it back But we have it on our TV Where did you lose your virginity In my In my mom's

Mom's house Second floor Papa wrote The skies Remind me That the past is real I tear my heart open Just to

Do feel, like that song was playing. It was my Russian girlfriend, Alina, and I lied that I have had sex before. It's a classic. I mean, I'm too and bad because she had. And that's a big mistake, you know, like. And I also like... How long did you last? What, what...

I think I came like as I inserted like a soft mock and a soft... I didn't even practice putting a condom on. So, like, the whole thing was like off. Yeah. See, that's another thing. If you ever lie, if you're in a position, you have to lie to a girl that you've had had sex before because you don't want to be uncool,

say this is your third time. Because then it kind of makes sense that I don't know the angle. Because I'm still new. But I said I've been fucking for years. Big issue. And I lied about my age, too. I was like, I was 15, but I lied. I was 16 because she was 16.

Yeah. So when I started dating her, I didn't want to hear the thing. I think that would be kind of a compliment to be a girl, though, and have a guy immediately come. You'd kind of feel powerful. I think with the porn culture. I don't think it's powerful at all. Right.

And then I had like a limp dick and the condom. It took so much to put on and this tiny little cock in this tiny Russian lady. And I came really quick. What's the closest he ever came to a fist fight on stage? Maybe like five years ago I had one where it's like all you got to do is relax. I don't ever get emotional. And I think. The issue was that his girlfriend was heckling.

And that's a fine line. Yeah. It's like you can call a dude whatever you want. But it's like every time men fight, it's always because there's a chick around. I don't think there's ever been a well, two guys fight if there wasn't a bitch around. Like even if you watch two guys fist fighting outside of in and out, they don't want to do it. But there's some chick around, and now they got her because that's my girl. Right.

You fuck with my girl. Right. You know, or you fuck with me, and my girl saw you fuck with me. And now she don't come because she just knows that I'm a bitch. Right, right, right. And it was like, it got into that area, like I called her a fun. It's very primal. Oh, you did.

Yeah. Pah, pah, psalte, fat whore, useless hole, maybe something. Somebody got scissors and cut. Oh, I know that bit. Cutting her pussy and asshole into one superior hole. Uh-huh. because she's as useless as a pigeon, something like that. Right.

Pretty mean. Right, right, right. And for no reason. I think she just heckled like a supportive comment. It is true when you get heckled like that, you got to relax. You got to just go. Lower your... Sometimes it's funny to just look at it and then just pivot and look in the other direction and just start the next joke.

And it kind of makes them look like assholes, depending on the situation. Depending, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you got to address it. But sometimes they monkey speak monkey, you know. Yeah. Sometimes a guy doesn't. It's crazy when you watch somebody a heckle in a show, and they don't know they're being,

I'm always like, what fuck were you raised? Where, what happened? That's what gets me, and that's what enrages the other people around them in the club. And so when I'm getting someone thrown out, it's not for me, it's for these people paid all this money, and I know they're having a miserable time because of you. And you can see that. But that's with time you understand, too. It's like, you can't explode too early.

You have to make the audience hate them too. Because we're so sensitive. I clock her immediately. Yeah. But you have to wait. And in that situation, I didn't wait. And I wasn't doing that well either. So I said something, you're a useless hold.

You know, you're a whore, whatever. And then the guy stands up. And when he stands up, I kind of feel, I fucked up because the audience is kind of on his side. Now it's like, it's this Will Smith, Chris Rock situation where who's right here. Right. And then they just. But then it like, the end. escalated, but they just, but I felt like I got so betrayed by the audience. You like, you guys just

left me in this situation. And it's stand up. He just steps up on the stage if he wants to. Yeah. But I'm such a bitch. I was such a bitch immediately. I get right in the face and I start like apologizing. I'm a bitch. That's funny. I bet he would have been afraid. He wouldn't have come on stage. All right. Last question. What's the hackiest bit that you've ever done? Jesus, I got this new one. Wait, let me think. I've done a lot of hack shit. We all have. Yeah.

Sometimes you've got to like, sometimes you've got to like break through the hack to find your voice in the bit. Right. I hate that that's the thing that comedians do a lot, so they call hack. It's like, you know, when they, it's like a three-year comic

and somebody says, that's a hacky bit you have. Yeah, he's three years into it. Yeah, right. He should be. I'm trying to survive out here. Right, right. You start in the middle, and then you can branch out once you've figured out.

And also, like, don't tell me that a topic is hack. I hate that. I got a brand new airplane joke that's hilarious. Dude, I got a brand new airplane jokes. Of course, it's like my friend, do you know Daniel Sloss by any chance? He's a funny comedian. Right. He had a, when he had his first kid, I remember him telling me, he was like talking to me about it.

He was like, yeah, I don't want to be one of those like comedians that gets a kid and now the whole thing is about the delivery. And I go like, and I remember telling him, too. I think there was a couple of other comedians who were also like telling him like, it's one of the most important experiences you'll have an experience in your life. And in the crowd, there'll be hundreds of men who also had that experience.

And the only thing binding you to the crowd is that intimate experience. And you're letting some Reddit guys take that experience away from artistic. Next year I see him, he's got 20 minutes on the first. No, I saw it. I went out and saw him at Largo

last time he was in town. He had so much good shit about his kid. I know. But also with hack shit, you know, in Estonia, what happened with us is too, is like when an art form gets born in a country like that, so new, you're the first one at the well. Right.

In America, so many men have been at that well. You better bring up, you better bring a big cup, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I remember going Australia years ago when they were just starting out comedy. And it was all about like the morning cartoons and like all the most hacky shit. Cats and dogs. Oh, I did all. By the way, I did all that.

I remember, yeah, when I started doing comedy in English, I'm going to start watching. actual specials and understanding comedy more on traveling. I'm going to be like, oh my God, fuck. Right. Yeah, it's like crazy. All right, listen, it's been great having you on. Let's do it again. Let's do it again.

In the meantime, if you want to go out and see Ari Live, he's going to be in Eugene on October 16th, Richmond Heights, Missouri on October 23rd, November 6th in Minneapolis. And then he's coming to Chicago, Tulsa, Wichita, Kansas City, Indy, St. Louis, Obispo, Fresno, Birmingham. If you go to Ari Madi, M-A-T-T-I-A-R-M-A-M-A-T-I.com, you can get tickets. You can come out, you can buy one of these t-shirts. Don't make them ship them home. It's expensive. And don't steal one.

Ah, you can steal one. All right, steal one. We can do one. Yeah. Buy one, steal one free. Hell, yeah. All right, thank you, man. I really appreciate it.

Such a sweet guy. Thanks, brother. You were so sweet when you came to me at the mothership. You gave me some sweet compliments. I've always been a huge fan. Oh, that's nice to hear. And dude, even, I've been in the game for 15 years. I would say Fitzalk Radio, I think throughout my career,

once a year, twice a year, maybe three episodes a year. No shit. I listen to the whole episode. Oh, nice to hear, man. Because I put it on. You're like a great interview, the way you ask questions and the riffs. You had Louis C.K. on recently. I just had Louis on recently.

That was a great one too. That was a fun one. Because you guys, it's just fucking, it's fun to see Lou in that environment. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't do a lot of podcasts. So I was honored that he came on. It really went well. And you could tell you guys are friends, so he was like, listen. Yeah.

Yeah, you're a great guy. Thanks, man. I appreciate it.