Fitzdog Radio - Aries Spears - Episode 1092

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

An 8 year veteran of Mad TV, Aries has been a killer on the road for 3 decades. Great hang on the show!Follow Aries Spears on Instagram @ariesspearsWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Hey, welcome to Fitts Dogg Radio. Fresh off my tour of Canada and Pittsburgh. Canada was amazing. Thank you people for coming out. I didn't know they got the internet up there, but a lot of people had seen my special and they came out and they were amazing Toronto Canada and Hamilton Canada which is sort of like an hour and a half south of Toronto but uh had a blast little hectic fluent Pittsburgh on Friday my flight was late Air Canada sucks a bag of dicks. Can we just say that out of the gate? It is they're just notorious for canceling and delaying flights. So anyway, my flight was four and a half hours delayed, I landed at 7pm. And the showtime was seven. No, I landed at 6 15. The showtime was at seven. And it was an hour away. So they

delay the show a little bit. I literally changed in the car into my tuxedo, got there and walked right on stage and the crowd couldn't been better. Pittsburgh PA I got to tell you something, the improv the staff at the improv is among the best in the country they treated me like gold they ran a good show police the audience well gave me good food they just I just felt special and and the crowds made me feel special it was just one of these weeks you know I'm on the road a lot and I have I have weekends that I come home depleted and frustrated, and I have nights I go to the hotel room feeling depressed.

This was one of the weekends you come home feeling kind of invigorated, kind of excited about standup again. Something about Pittsburgh, it's just, the crowds are just real America. It's blue collar, but it's kind of smart blue collar and they can take a joke. You can shit on them.

I talked to, you know, it's the kind of city that people don't leave. Like the people you ask them, where are you from? They all say Pittsburgh. It's not like being in Austin where nine out of 10 people are from another city. Nobody comes there, nobody leaves there. It's just Pittsburgh. It is what it is. And I just had I had so much fun. The hotel was crazy. Because there was a lot of people staying there that had come in to see me from

West Virginia and Ohio that were staying at the hotel. It was fucking crazy. So many people came in. And there was a couple next to me, the hotel room next to me. It was a beautiful day on Saturday. So I've got a sliding glass door to a little patio and I can hear people having sex from three feet away. There is a couple fucking on their patio.

I mean, I literally, if I had leaned out, I could have stood there and watched them. And they were, and this woman, I felt like I need, the way she was enjoying it, the cursing, the moaning. I felt like I needed to go home and give my wife an apology because I haven't fucked. That was fucking. And I wanted to applaud them when they were done.

They sustained. It was a solid 30 minutes. And I could tell, you know, you try to picture them of course. And they were in my mind, they were overweight, middle-aged black people. And does that sound racist? I don't know.

Maybe it does, but that's what they sounded like to me. And then that evening I left to go to the show. I walked out of my room at the same time they did the middle-aged black overweight couple from next door step right out into the hallway. I don't know if they saw the sly grin on my face or the twinkle in my eye, but I like to think they knew that I knew. You don't make noises like that and not assume that your neighbors are all in on it. So that was kind of exciting. And then, this was crazy.

I was thinking about Pittsburgh. It's very racially diverse. And the hotel had a lot of black people and I'm getting off the elevator on Sunday. And there is, I'm going up the elevator with these kind of older Pittsburgh Steeler jacket wearing couple, big belly on the guy and the elevator door is open to our floor, the third floor,

and there is a black couple opening up their door. They got the key and they're about to open up the door and the white couple that I'm on the elevator with, the guy goes, are you allowed to be here? And it was a needle scratching in my head a needle scratchers where I was like, what is it? Should I get my phone out? What's happening? And the black guy kind of spins his head around. He said what? And then the guy said, was it a

Phillies jacket? The guy, the guy opening the door, the black guy had like a Phillies jacket on. No, no, a Redskins jacket on. And that's what he met. He goes Redskins or something. And I'm just like, Oh my god, thank you. You don't know what year it is when you're in different parts of the country. It's different years. It's different decades altogether in some places. So I go to the show and I get an email from the club owner and he says to me, I should read it to you.

I'm gonna actually read it to you because this was pretty amazing. The club, you know, the comics are all pretty close and everybody is very supportive of each other and then I get an email that's a text that says hi Greg Paul at the club here would you be open to add open to adding a guest spot tonight it would be and he says the guy's name a local comic that has been touring for a while, good comedian, and he's been battling cancer. He was told by doctors that he only had a few weeks to live two months

ago. He he hosted here earlier this month. It really helps his spirits. I don't normally ask for something like this, but wanted to get him on stage again as he just got out of the hospital today. So I write back immediately. I write, fuck that guy. And then I let it sit. Here's the beauty of me, is I didn't immediately write another text.

I let it sit. I gave it two minutes. No, a minute. I gave it a minute to two minutes to germinate. And then I wrote, just kidding, of course, love to have him on. And so I went over and the guy comes in and his name was Mark and he had just

come from some kind of treatment he doesn't look good and he's the sweetest guy you've ever met I mean he's just one of these guys you just you want to take care of he's just a sweetheart and he goes on stage and he crushes. He performed like, he just had such rhythm and timing and smart jokes and it was personal. He's just got something very vulnerable about him on stage. And he didn't say to anybody in the crowd that he was sick, but I was just amazed.

And also did his time, did his time. If I'm about to die of cancer, I'm going long. Fuck the feature, fuck the headliner. I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do an hour. I'm gonna do a one man show. I'm gonna sop it up because if this cheers the guy, and I'd be all for it, if this cheers the guy and I'd be all for it if this cheers the guy up keep going dude but yeah he he was he was great and I just was thinking about

that like would I still go on stage if I knew I had you know weeks or months to go and I guess I probably would. I mean, what else? What else are you gonna do when you're a comedian? You want to do the thing that brings you joy? That validates you? I think all the other bullshit falls away except the people that you really love the most and the thing that you love the most. So it was a little emotional. And he was very honest about it. We talked in the green room. So anyways, that was interesting.

We also had we had some funny audience interactions. We had this woman's this woman's in the front row and she's alone and she's adorable. And I asked her how old she is and she says she's 27. And I said, Why are you sitting alone at my comedy show? And she goes, I got stood up. I go get the fuck out of here. You you got stood up. And she was very gentle and nice. And I go I go who stood you up? And she told me that she'd gone on a Tinder date with this guy and then this was supposed to be their second date.

And then he canceled on her. I go, did he cancel? Like, did you show up to the show and he just didn't arrive? And she goes, no, he canceled like a few hours ago. And I go, and you came anyway by yourself? I said, good for you. I said, that's ballsy.

That says a lot about you good And then you sat in the front row alone, so we kind of celebrated her a little bit we talked about how she deserves better and she'll get better and blah blah blah, and then I Gave her a pin The Greg Fitzsimmons tour pin which she can only get at live shows and I gave it to her and her eyes welled up. She got teary because she was kind of touched. And then I said, let's call this asshole. And at first she hesitated, I go, no, trust me, let's just call this guy. So she she dials his number and I tell

the crowd on the count of three. And we did it. It rang and it rang and it rang and of course he sent it to voicemail because he's fucking ghosting her and I got to his voicemail on the count of three the entire audience 400 people all screamed Paul is a faggot. If you could have heard it with with rage in their voices because they love this girl and she smiled for the first time and it was very sweet. So that was fun. It was a very Jerry Springer moment where I was like, am I throwing this person under the bus for entertainment value right now? I don't know. I saw that Jerry

Springer. Did you see the thing on Netflix? It's about Jerry. I think it's it's two or three episodes about the history of the Jerry Springer show and believe me nobody loved it more than me. I watched it constantly and it's but I didn't realize somebody got murdered. I'm sure a bunch of people got murdered but one of them we know about there was a woman who got killed by this guy it was very sad and it ruined his her whole family's life there was another guy that married a horse and the horse came on stage then the guy was making out with the horse they were like tonguing each other like a little

Shetland pony and he was talking about how he fucks the horse and and that that didn't get them thrown off the air I mean that show you forget how insane that show was the KKK would come on and then Jews would charge the stage and beat up the KKK guys and one producer said he quit because there was a girl who was a prostitute she was like she was like a 17 year old prostitute and she wanted her father to come on the show so he would stop calling her her escort service to get set up with him so the producer goes to the woman's hotel room the night before to check on her and the father answers the door and the girl is in a robe and the guy got nauseous and

he quit the show that that night that was was it. I mean, it's dark. It's fucking do you think of Jerry Springer is it's fun. People hit each other with folding chairs, but they were so under the gun to get they beat Oprah in the ratings. Everybody was watching that show until we until they didn't until people go like, all right, now I think they're faking it. But anyway, not to bum you guys out, but that that that was that was what I watched. Coming to you live Boston, Massachusetts this weekend. Laugh Boston April

4 and the fifth I'm actually coming in the night before because I'm going to the Red Sox opening day on the day of the fourth. And that's going to be fun if it doesn't get rained out. Huntington at the Mamba on May 4th, Escondido Grand Comedy May 9th and 10th, then I'll be coming to Cincinnati, Dayton, Kentucky at the Commonwealth on May 16th and 17th, then I'm coming to Tampa, Escondido, Torrance, Austin, Point Pleasant, New Jersey just added La Jolla. A bunch of new dates so go to FitzDog.com get yourself some tickets.

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And remember use promo code fits. So we get the count at the checkout, save 20% off your first order. Okay my guest is a legendary comic all the comics love him all the audiences respect them the guy has been destroying for decades and a good dude he's just a good dude I've known him for a long time and I had such a good time sitting down with him this past week we shot the. We talked for another hour after the show. He had an eight season run on MADtv. He's a master impressionist, a killer stand-up.

He was on Def Comedy Jam a bunch. The Tonight Show. He's had hour specials on Comedy Central. And he was in Jerry Maguire. I know you're gonna love it. Kick back, take a little gummy and enjoy Aerie Spears. Aerie Spears is my guest, welcome. What's up brother? Yankees, oh that's right, you're a New Yorker. Yeah, I think first and foremost though,

just to kind of tell everybody how this is full circle for me. How's that? Because you know, when I first started my podcast, Yeah. Going on six years ago, everybody was like, well the key to successful podcasts and awarenesses, you gotta do other people's podcasts.

So your podcast was the very first podcast that I was ever on. I remember that. I remember that. I think I said that to you when I saw you, we were both at K-Rock doing interviews. Was it K-Rock the other day? I think so, yeah, yeah.

And I said, you gotta come back on again. And then I, I just remember, I go, you were a little nervous last time you did it. Yeah, I mean, you know, it was first time out the gate. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I didn't know what to. And you were great. I mean, immediately when we started, you were fine.

But you came in kinda like, how does this work? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it took me a. And now yours is The Jew and the Jerk? Is that your podcast? Yes, for yours is Steinberg, The Jew and the Jerk. Yeah. So Steinberg is who?

Andy Steinberg, he's my opener. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so you can shoot it on the road. Yeah, that's how we do it. Okay, video and audio? Yeah, both, yeah. Yeah.

How long has he opened for you? About six years now. How long has he opened for you? About six years now. Does he change up his act as you change up your act or is he kind of doing the standard 20? It varies, he's doing a lot more crowd work now. So he'll add that into what he's already doing. Does that bother you if you don't crowd work?

No, not at all. But what if you start talking to the same person he's talking to, because you do crowd work as well. Yeah, but no, our attack modes are completely, what he might see, we might see completely different things. Right. And even if we see the same thing, I don't want to come off that way,

but I'm pretty, I'm nice with it, man. So he's the jerk. No, I'm the jerk, he's the Jew. But on stage it sounds like you're the nicer one. Oh no no no no. You go hard. I go hard. Okay. I'm like Shaq and it's prime I go hard in the paint. Yeah Shaq enjoyed landing on people and then and then sticking around for a second and eyeballing you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was all by design.

You know, if you know Shaq, he's a big kid, he's a big entertainer. Right. You know, it's almost like if he wasn't a basketball player, comedy would have been his forte. Oh, totally. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to do this show called Upload with Shaq.

I did that show. Oh yeah, so I went on that show and I did this thing where he shit on me early on. And so I said, so I started calling him every other black guy's name. I'd be like, well, listen, Moses. And so he started laughing and then by the end he had his head down,

he was pounding it, and so when the show would end, they would play music and everybody would dance. He fucking picked me up and put me on his shoulders and was dancing with a 50-year-old man sitting on his shoulders, and I'm just holding his head just looking like I don't wanna be here right now. I always said, thank God he never had early angry Mike Tyson energy.

Yeah. Because for a dude to be that tall and that big and that girthy, if he had Mike Tyson's angry energy, white people put away the kids and locked the doors. Yeah, and he does it all, man. He's like, he's a sheriff in some county down in- Well, that's laughable, but- Is it?

Undercover work? Never. Never. Do your impression of Shaq trying to fit in at a fraud party. All right, as long as we bring the cag in the bear and everybody act responsible, nobody will notice me. We're gonna charge people $5 at the door, red cups only, you wanna get in with a red cup?

Yeah. That's great. So did you guys like connect on that show? Did you like stay in touch? Oh, absolutely. Well, not stay in touch in the sense that, hey man, what you doing this weekend? Listen, I'm gonna come to the barbecue.

It's more like friends by entertainment affiliation. Real friends will help you bury your body. Yes. You know what I mean? But whenever I see them, it's all love, mutual respect. So that's as close as we are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice to have. That's the funny, mutual respect. So that's as close as we are. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice to have.

That's the funny thing about LA, people don't exchange numbers as much. Well, if it's not genuine, they exchange them, but you know it's not genuine, because it's just for in the moment. I got Shaq's number on my phone. I do too. Yeah, but I've never used it.

And if you have it, it probably ain't working because he changes his number every three months. Well, yeah, black people do. Well, no, no, no, no. I, as a part of the black delegation, don't really do that. You've had the same number for a long time? This is the longest I've had my last number. Yeah. Before a minute, you know, I would change it from time, because you know them hoes get closed. You know what I mean? Are you still single? No, no.

But you know. Do you have two phones? You ever had two phones? I did at one point, but I didn't like that. Because of a girlfriend? Because I was trying to be slick. Yeah. But I did that once.

The keep up was too much. Oh man, if your wrong phone rings in front of her. Yeah, I feel like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive. Tommy Lee is always two steps behind me. Right, right. Yeah, I don't want that much headache, man. Jesus Christ, so you've never been married? Twice to the same woman.

I know, shit. And might do it a third time. No! Yeah. Dude! You know, sometimes you just gotta keep doing it till you get it right. But, that's one theory.

So wait, when you break up, is there alimony? Oh yeah. So you've got two different alimony. does the new marriage cancel out the old Alamoni and is that why you keep getting remarried? Well no, it doesn't, but I keep getting remarried because listen, I'm not gonna paint myself a saint. I'm toxic, she's toxic. Yeah.

You know, but the same thing that makes us go out each other like Israel and Palestine, is the same passion that makes us love each other, like Bonnie and Clyde. You know what I mean? And listen man, I'm not big on change. I'm 49, I'll be 50 April 3rd. Oh, you're in Aries?

His name's Aries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So to be out here in these streets, trying to tackle some new broad, I just don't have the patience. The time or the energy. I don't give a fuck about your birthday, what your favorite color is.

Just suck my dick and I'll pay the light bill. I like that. Yeah. I think that's the t-shirt you just left your chest. I'm sure I can get on the plane with that one. Nobody will complain. Yeah, I think it's like, marriage can be a thing where you go like, and I think maybe especially on your third one, you start to realize that you don't need to fight every

battle. And you realize the ones about each other that are important. Like with my wife, we got these double doors that we put our coats in when we come in the door. And when I leave them open open she loses her shit. I can either stand there and say honey they're just two doors you can just close them yourself. How dare you make sense. Right or I can just close the fucking doors. Right. And absorb a punch or two and move on and then later on when I say what's the thing that drives me

crazy about her oh when I make when I say, what's the thing that drives me crazy about her? Oh, when I make turkey burgers, she'll always season them while they're still in the package. She'll open the top of the package and season them. But then I go, yeah, but I gotta make the patties with my hand and then the seasonings all over the place. You just don't do that. And I swear to you three times, I don't yell at my wife.

I was, my volume was raised. And then I stop and I go, what is this? Was I raped by a turkey? Why am I so angry about a turkey burger? But then now she realizes, don't season the fucking turkey burger. Hey man, you're right. And it's like, the older I'm getting,

the more I wanna just fall back and, you know, no drama. Yeah. I don't know drama, man. No. You know, and you know, listen, again, I'm no saint. I've done a lot of shit wrong, but I'm at that point now where I'm going, dude, I'm just too old to be acting

like I'm 20. Yeah. You know, so there's certain things that you just have to surrender to, and it's certain things that you just have to surrender to. And it's been hard for me to come to that realization that I have to surrender. You know, I don't like going to bed at a set time. I don't like not being able to eat

bacon cheeseburgers and fried chicken. You know, I don't like having to, but now I gotta go do it, I gotta fucking have a diet, a bedtime. Yeah, this shit is real, man. Yeah, it's all about managing energy and it's not just about the weight and the cholesterol with that food,

it's about like you have a cheeseburger for lunch, you're gonna need a nap at three o'clock. When you're young, you can rip through food and do good, but now you gotta go like, all right, I gotta get that extra hour sleep, that means I gotta go to bed earlier, and even masturbation for me has become something I really stagger out.

I can't go at it every day. Well, a lot of dudes don't wanna believe this, women too, but I haven't beat off to completion since I was 16. I refuse to masturbate. No kidding. Why, for what? Why would I do to myself what a woman can do, which feels so much better?

When you say not to completion, do you go 90% and then back off? No, I just meant that, you know, I mean, all the way to the, you know, the mayonnaise shoots off. Yeah. You know, but I haven't done that since I was 16, man. No kidding. I don't even think I could get an erection with it just in my hand. I think maybe you're not doing it right.

Oh no, I know how to do it. Ain't but one way to do it. It ain't algebra, back and forth. But are you using your right hand? I'm a lefty. Maybe try it with your right hand. I don't have as much strength. But that's the key, it's neither does a woman.

It'll feel more like a woman. A woman can breathe on it and I'm shooting off. It's a woman. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I think that's very Buddhist. I think Buddhists probably don't masturbate. I think it's the life energy that you're getting at. First of all, nutritionally, you know how much protein you got to eat to make up one cum shot? You're just taking really good nutrients and expelling them from your body. Listen, I think that with my diet in terms of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, drinking, smoking, the only reason why I'm alive is because I probably

cum five times a week. Yeah. Yeah, I think a good nut keeps you alive. Yes. And I think a lot of men die because they ain't fucking enough. I agree. I agree. But I also think it's good for your prostate.

The doctors now recommend that you ejaculate five times a week. Oh, my prostate is as healthy as... Tight. Yeah. Your doctor puts his finger in, he can't get past the second knuckle. Oh, God. doctor puts his finger in, he can't get past the second knuckle. Oh god. Now we ventured into white man humor. Niggas don't do booty jokes.

Why is that? Is ass play not as common now, do you think, in the black world? Or you just don still talk about it? You know, listen, I actually do a very funny joke about when I had my prostate checked. Because you know, the black community is very homophobic. Yeah. You know, and very conservative. And black men just don't play that shit.

Right. So even in my joke, you know, I address the elephant in the room, which is at the end of the joke, I go, you know, it's funny about when I tell that joke is all the black men, they want to laugh, you tried to laugh, but you fought it. But the white guys don't have a problem laughing at that because white boys play gay games with each other all the time. Tanner, dude, Ethan Sleep, put your cock on his face and take a picture. That kind of shit is funny to white guys.

Dude, throw a cracker in the middle. Let's see who can do it first. Yeah, black dudes don't, we don't play them games, man. No. Dude, are you watching White Lotus? No, I'm not. Alright, because there's way to get to the last episode of season three. I just, uh... You're talking about white guys playing gay games.

I just did my boy Jay Morris podcast recently. Oh, that's a fun one. And I saw a clip of him talking about, can anybody just please tell me what the fuck White Lotus is about. It's not about anything there's literally no plot. The guy Mike what Mike White I think his name is the writer it's like he did two great seasons where it's fun. Of that show? Of that show but it's it's the same resort but they the first season was in Hawaii the second season was in Italy and now this season was in Italy, and now this one's in Thailand. But it's the same, it's like a four seasons resort.

And the first two were fun, and then this one, I just keep, I keep going, when does the fucking story start? Dude, my two favorite shows of all time, one of which I own the six season pink velvet DVD box collection, Sex in the City and the Sopranos. You're kidding me right now. I am not. Sex in the City? It was my fucking show. No way. Are you kidding me? The writing on that show was phenomenal. It's all puns. It's all wordplay. Well you could tell the influence. Yeah. Because some of them jokes, hey, honey, the delivery is such, it's so obvious to gay.

But still. No, the show runner was a gay guy. Yes, of course. Michael something. Yeah, but between the writing and the characters and the, you know, anybody that's ever been in a relationship with the opposite sex, you can relate to that. So Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte. Who was yours? Who would have been your girl?

Well, them legs on Charlotte, man. Oh, what's her name? Christine Davis? Who is he asking me for? I don't watch that fucking show. Man, that show is the best. I can't believe you like that show. Best. Wow. How could you not? As a comedian, it's education, it's schools in session. And, well, that's true. I guess you are finding out about the female, the sexual psyche of the female. Of white women. It's all laid out.

A lot of it, a lot of it for a woman period, you know, regardless of color, speaks to women, obviously. But if you really want to nab a white bitch, watch Sex and the City. Oh, I see. That's your angle. No, that's, that's... Because there was no black women in that angle. No, that's no my- Because there was no black women in that show. No, but my angle is funny first. Yeah.

And funny gets you to women. Right. So it does both things at once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? It's just culturally, you learn some things about white women that normally you might not have. You know?

Cosmopolitan. Yeah, and you know, shit like that. Flavored douches. Yeah, and my other show was The Sopranos. Oh, god. Yeah, no, you know, shit like that. Flavored douches. Yeah, my other show was The Sopranos. Yeah, I'm with you on that. I think that's probably my number one show. I'm rewatching it for the fourth time right now. And the pilot episode, it's the great, well not the greatest, it's up there with the greatest pilot George of all time. Question for Sil Bushy. My kids matter on AJ.

Go down to Artie's for the matter of God with the fuck of gravy. How do you say Gabbo Goo? The fuck of Gabbo Goo. You know, people always ask me, when you do an impression, how do you know it's like having an ear for music? Yeah.

Everybody's voice is a note, a key. Right. And with Tony, it's the ish. Talking about Jadish. Uncle June. You know, Sylvio. Uncle June the Jadishack. You gotta hit the shack. So yeah, you get them notes, you in there. If you really want to impersonate him, get a plate of ziti. Nobody eats a plate of ziti like James Gaddison. You could hear them breathing. You could hear a fork stabbing a plate. A couple of times you hear them braving. I said, Popsicles in my mouth with the sauce.

Sauce. With the sauce. Oh my God, that was amazing. You know, in the pilot episode, they didn't pick the show up for like a year. And in that year he gained 15 pounds on purpose, and he went to a voice coach to learn a better Jersey accent. Well, I don't know if you noticed it, but since you bring that up, in the first two seasons,

it wasn't as cartoony. It was more like, you know, I've been walking in the woods all week. But then later, you know, it got to that. Yeah. But before it was a lot deeper and it wasn't as over the top. Right. Right.

And then you see him talk in real life and you're like, holy shit. It's mind blowing. I remember the first time, because I mean, I had always seen him in the movies, but I'd never really focused on him like that until The Sopranos. But by that time, I was hearing Ish. But then I saw him do an interview on 60 Minutes, and the guy asked him, what do you attribute the show's success to? You know, it's great writing, David Chase, it's all about the writing.

And the writing is, I was like, what the fuck? Who is this dude? Because I just thought he was always that Tony sound. So it was just weird to hear that. Well, he was also way coked up in those later seasons. Yeah, so I found out, I didn't know that. Yeah, and he used to hook up with my friend who's a bartender in the West Village

and he used to come into this one bar, Jane Street Cafe, I think it was called, and she said he was like telling her that they were shutting down production some days because he was so fucked up. And he was struggling with it. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't know that. You know, it's amazing, I met at least five or six different people from that show. Oh yeah? Like I was at a club in New York and I ran into the kid at least five or six different people from that show. I was at a club in New York and I ran into the kid that played AJ on the lot where we shot Mad TV. I ran into Richie Apriel, Uncle June at the Laugh Factory,

but I never met Gandolfini. And I remember I ran into Steven Vananzat at the XM radio station because he had a podcast. Yeah right. But I just was like dude I never met the big dog and I was always a little intimidated because he seems like if you catch him on the bad day he might Tony Soprano you. Oh he goes after the paparazzi. Oh yeah I've seen it viciously. Yeah yeah yeah. Right. But that Right, but. So. No, but that show really, it'll go down in history. It'll stand the test of time. And you know, there was a time where we had this

kind of like Guido fetish in this country, you know. Started with the Godfather. Yeah. And then it was Goodfellas, and then the Jersey Shore. Yeah. And then Sopranos, and it was like, all right, I'm no longer enamored with a guy with a dumb accent who dresses nicely and eats his mom's food.

Because we're men, we are inclined to like what I like to call on my podcast, man food movies. Oh, okay. Whatever, guns, explosions, breasts, fights, blood, action movies. That's man food criteria. And Italian mob movies have always been man food, but listen man, black people, we really have an affinity for the mob shit because Italians and niggas,

we cut from the same cloth. Italians speaking to Bonnix like black people. And I do this thing on stage where I go, here's an Italian to Bonnix word you've all heard before. You ready? Both ears. And a lot of the crowd is like, I don't know. When an Italian dad says to his kids

when they're getting on his nerves, whoa, knock the fuck off. You guys been going at it all fucking day. I can't take no more. And I'm talking to the Boaties. So, you know, we love that shit. I like that, Boaties. Boaties.

Boaties. Yeah, there was a movie, Christopher Walken made some speech about how Sicilians specifically are related to black people. And they don't want to admit that. Yeah. Italians don't want to admit that. No, they killed him for saying it.

They blew his head off for saying it. It's funny, like, again, we have this love for Italian culture and everything mafia. When I go, I wish Italians felt the same way about us the way we do about them. Because they call us all kind of muleons and niggas and shit. And I'm like, but y'all cut from the same cloth, man. If you do the history, y'all are basically us just with a tanner skin. Yeah, that's true. Interesting. Yeah. basically us just with you know a tanner skin yeah you know yeah interesting yeah yeah I think you you know Italian man womanizers yeah yeah you're a

womanizer well men are womenizers period but black people we do everything with a flare that takes it up a notch. Yes. You know? Yeah. You know, again, I got this thing where it's like, one of the things I love about Italians too is like black people, they really don't bite their tongue. And they're great for making quotes and sayings that either make no sense or are extremely racist. Like you could have two Italian dudes

standing on a corner talking about their relationships and one will say to the other, and you know there's a saying associated with black women, particularly when a white man dates outside of his race. Hey man, the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice. But you let two Italian guys tell us, fucking Vito, heard you went down to Florida with your new gu-ma.

Understand she's a black chick, I didn't know you like fucking shines. Hey Paulie, don't knock it till your dry it like the saying goes the darker the nigga the sweeter the berry so they take the phrase and they run it through the racist generator yeah and probably like really think that's how the saying goes yeah right right yeah that's hilarious yeah they the Italians are, they are the most racist. I don't know what it is. Whether it's Boston or the Bronx or Philly.

Very colorful, man. Well, I don't know, I think maybe it's that Italian immigrants ended up living near black neighborhoods. Like you look at like Howard's Beach in New York where there was that incident years ago. With Youssef Hawkins, was that Youssef Hawkins? Yeah, I don't remember, but they chased that dude into traffic. It With Youssef Hawkins, was that Youssef Hawkins? Yeah, I don't remember, but they chased that dude into trafficking at the fire car.

It was Youssef Hawkins, yeah. But yeah, there's always been tension in those particular cities. I don't know where else. Italians seem to mostly be in the Northeast. Yeah, that's why I said, you know, whenever I perform in the East, I feel at home, because growing up in New York,

Italians are all over the Eastern seaboard. Once you get to West Coast, Midwest, South, nothing. Yeah, I know. Which is why I can't even do some of the Italian jokes anywhere else, because people don't, the connection's not there. Right, right. You're Irish, aren't you?

I'm Irish, I was born in the Bronx, and then grew up mostly in Tarrytown, New York. I don't know if you know this, but there's a great nine-part documentary series on HBO Max right now about the Celtics. I saw the first episode. Right. And I'm a binger, so I'm waiting until they all finish so I can just binge it. But you know, you talk about Boston and Southie and the North End, you know, really rough

in terms of racism. Yeah. Probably the Irish. I mean, look, the Irish have a bad history as well of in New York City when there was riots where there were black neighborhoods in New York that were like middle class, upper middle class and the Irish were, you know, recent immigrants. They were fucking bred like rats. There was just hundreds of thousands of out of work Irish and they burned down some of the black.

Do you ever hear about this in New York? No, I didn't hear about that, but that's reminiscent of the Tulsa, Oklahoma. Exactly. It was a lot like that. Yeah. And so the Irish have a bad history with that. Damn, niggas can't have shit. I know. God damn.

Yeah, yeah. And so it's checkered, but also Ireland as a country was never involved in any way with slavery, which is good. We have that going for us. We just kind of took a bad turn when we came over here. I've always wondered, and you said you you you're Irish but you were Brooklyn? Bronx. Bronx. That's where you were born and raised? I was there till I was eight and then I moved to Tarrytown. So never been to Boston though? No I went to college in Boston. I always wondered why. And that's where I started doing stand-up. Oh okay I was

wondering why black dudes don't have that accent that are from there. I know, it's almost like Patrice O'Neal almost sounded like a guy from Brooklyn or something. Yeah, he was from Roxbury. Yeah, yeah. Dwayne Perkins has kind of a little bit of a Boston accent. Never heard it in him.

No? Never. Tiny bit, but not like white guys, that's for sure. No, no, no. As a matter of fact, his sound is very highly educated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Highly educated. Why is that a slam?

Why does that come out like a slam? Because he's not gonna be confused for a good time, nigga. He gonna be a Huxtable. He's a Huxtable. That's hilarious. for a good times nigga, he gonna be a Huxtable. He's a Huxtable. That's hilarious. Yeah, it's, now the Irish have a bad history, but also, you know, we, I think we fought

with the Italians just as much, and then, you know, and then it's funny, the Irish, once we got any money at all, now they've all become Republicans. You know, we were the original Democrats they've all become Republicans. You know, we were the original Democrats, the Kennedys, you know, fighting for civil rights and, you know, all that stuff in the 60s. And then in the 80s, they all got sort of, well part of it was that they're all Catholic. And the Republican Party sort of co-opted that with abortion laws and gay laws, and that's where the Catholics gravitate to.

But yeah, so what part of New York are you from? I grew up West Side, 34th Street, 9th and 10th Avenue. Hell's Kitchen. Yeah. Really? That's an Irish neighborhood. Yeah, I, you know, latchkey kid, you know, playing around in deserted parking lots in the area. But I love it, man.

I wouldn't trade it for the world. Where'd you go to high school? I actually moved to Jersey by the time it was time for me to go to high school. So I went to elementary and out there, PS 33. And then by the time I hit junior high high, I was in Jersey. Yeah. Yeah. What part of Jersey? North Brunswick.

Oh yeah, now by the old laugh, the stress factor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exit nine. Exit nine, know it well. Yeah. That's a weird area. It's nice, but it's also seedy. It ain't what it used to be. No, it's kinda seedy now, right?

No, it was seedy when I was coming up. I haven't been there in a while. Oh, it's been cleaned up. You were seedy when I was there. Oh no, no, no, no. Well, you know, it was seedy when I was coming out. I haven't been there in a while. Oh, it's been cleaned up. It was seedy when I was there. Oh, no, no, no, no. Well, you know, it's funny. Back then, that used to be really an all-black neighborhood. Yeah.

Since then, it's now Mexican. But it's not what it used to be. It just isn't. I remember last time I was at the Stress Factory, I would go out to, staying at the hotel, I'd go out for food, and it was literally nine Mexican restaurants. The Church Street, is that the one it's on?

All Mexican restaurants. And the club, if people don't know the Stress, go to the Stress Factory in New Brunswick. It's one of the greatest clubs in the city, in the country. It is a riot. It's just so much fun. Yeah, it is. Jersey people, especially the women, are loud, but fun loud. Yeah. They're not heckling you, but they wanna be involved in the show. And then Vinny Brand, who especially the women, are loud, but fun loud. You know, they're not heckling you,

but they want to be involved in the show. And then Vinny Brand, who owns the place, he starts the show out. He's a comedian. Allegedly. And then he starts the show with, I don't like the videos of like, guys stepping on a rake,

then Jim Carrey jumping up and down with a mask on. They do like 10 minutes of the best moments of comedy. I don't need to follow that shit. And then he's got this camera that goes around the crowd and it'll zoom in on a girl and then it'll just write like, whore. And then it'll go to a guy and be like, faggot. And then the crowd's laughing and they're cheering. And then Vinnie goes

on stage and there's this payphone on stage and he does this thing where he gets people to give their friends like mother's phone numbers and then he'll call them on stage and be like yeah Barry's here can you come pick him up we just caught him sucking somebody's dick in the men's room and then the whole crowd go ah and they go and now Greg Fitzsimmons you're like what I can't We just caught him sucking somebody's dick in the men's room. And then the whole crowd goes, ah! And they go, and now Greg Fitzsimmons. You're like, what? I can't.

But you know what? Here's what I love about it. It's old school. It's old school. It's intimate. You're in the basement kinda, when you gotta step down. It's the brick wall. It's just very intimate.

And a lot of clubs just aren't like that anymore. It's the reason why I love Helium and Philly. It's the reason why I love Improv in DC. I like the little clubs where the staff doesn't change. Those are the clubs you want to be at because it's like a home, it's like a family. They party together after the show. I recently did an Ontario Improv which is also in my top five. But then, you know, places that used to be, but not anymore, like Irvine, Brea, since

they remodeled and they've become, you know, like flashier, cleaner, nicer, bigger. Feels like a theater, yeah. It feels like a renovated strip club. Give me the dirty strip club. Where pregnancy tests are still in the trash. You know what I mean? Fucking, bitches got bullet wounds, stab wounds. A comedy club should feel like a dirty strip club.

Yeah, I wanna see blood on the brick wall behind me. Yeah, I don't want the fucking stage to look like flash dance. No, no. You know what I mean? I want old pussy juice on the pole You got us windex it down. You gotta windex it down. Otherwise the next girl is not gonna be able to slide Come on, man. Yeah, keep that pole clean exactly. Yeah, I like punchline in San Francisco's like that I've never performed there. Oh, yeah, I've Francisco's like that. I've never performed there. Oh yeah.

I've been through there, but I've never performed there. I always do Cobbs. And that's a weird joint. Well, it's a rock club, more like a comedy club. It's got that balcony. I don't like a balcony in a club. If possible, no balcony. Because then the ceiling's too high, and the laughter kind of dissipates into the ether.

Well, the only reason why I like a Balcony is because if anything that I could create a joke from, like I'll do the improv in Virginia Beach and they have the balcony and some girl might yell out, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, bitch, I can't hear you, jump. Come closer, jump. Come closer, jump. That's good. Yeah, and there's always the, is that the Abe Lincoln section you're in up there, sir? Right, right. And then, yeah, and then the other clubs that I really like are the ones where they're just independently owned and operated, where the guy, it's like in the old days, he'd pick you up at the airport, take you to your hotel,

take you to radio in the morning. Well yeah, I'm good with all the everything but the picking me up shit. No, you don't want that anymore. Let me tell you something, when I first got on the road, I didn't know anything about writers and shit like that, so I was just, I was green, so it was like, however you pick me up, you pick me up.

And here's the day I went, all right, that's enough of this shit. I did some club in South Carolina and The host was a clown by day Comic by night this motherfucker picked me up in the clown car. Ah There's 11 other guys in it. No, but it was a big boot There was a clown boot with a big nose on the hood. And I'm just sitting next to this motherfucker in the clown car, you know, parked at a light

and I'm looking at all the pussies dry up that roll next to me. And I just went, nah man, I need a rider, dude. I need a town car to pick me up. Fuck this. He hits the horn, it's like. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Get the fuck out of here.

No sir. That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, it was always like a guy who chain smoked and it was a Ford. What were those shitty Fords? Ford Focus or something? Or Pinto?

No, not the Pinto. Taurus. Remember everyone had a fuck, every road comic had a Taurus in the 90s. But, you know, I respect the hustle of the guys that have a small club, like you just talked about doing a one-nighter. I went to Alaska and I did a couple nights in the fall.

And these guys, they picked me up at a pickup truck at the airport, put me in this nice hotel, and then they're there, they're the local radio guys. I don't want that all the time, but once in a while it's charming. Yeah, I'm done with charming, man. Yeah. Yeah, and-

What do you get picked up in, like a SUV? No, well sometimes, but either SUV or a town car, just by a town car service. Right. You know, because the other thing was like, before that it was like, well, one of the wait staff will pick you up and take you to the airport. Problem with that is, sometimes them motherfuckers

don't get up on time. So if I got a 6 a.m. flight, and because they went out drinking with the rest of the staff the night before, I'm sitting outside the hotel, like yo, I'm gonna miss my flight, where the fuck are you? Oh, I overslept. Yeah, yeah, nah man, no, no.

No, I remember there was a comedian, I won't say his name, but Dane Cook flew in to do a college, and the college person picked him up at the airport, and they went to his hotel and had sex before the show. That's not a bad pickup right there. Whoa. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

I don't know the guy's name that picked him up, but it was a college student Wait a minute. Oh shit. No, it was not a guy. Okay. All right. I'm sorry It was a delay on my I think I believe he told that story on my podcast. So I'm not I'm not so what else is in your rider I'm very simple, man. I don't really have anything else other than some shit. I just add it which is you know because I'm trying to Get healthier and and do the right thing Yeah, you know I asked for a bottle of extra virgin olive oil and some apple cider vinegar What are you douching yourself before the show?

A teaspoon a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil is very good for you. Just drink it straight. Just straight. And then I mix some water with some apple cider vinegar and down that. Really? Yeah. Helps your voice too, I bet. A little bit.

Yeah. A little bit, yeah. Yeah. I usually ask for decaffeinated tea and honey just for my voice. You know what's really great for that? Especially if you're flying the same day as the show. Really? You get all dried out from the flight.

Throat coat. Oh, throat coat's the great for that. Especially if you're flying the same day as the show. Really? You get all dried out from the flight. Throat coat. Oh, throat coat's the best. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Throat coat with some honey, a little bit of lemon. Yep. I drink those before the show and I'm good.

What else have I... Who's the guy that asks for the sneakers on every show? Eddie Griffin. Oh, Eddie Griffin. It gets the same, what is it, Air Jordans or something? Air Force Ones. A fresh pair of Air Force Ones. Every single show. That's crazy.

Yes. That's crazy. Oh my God. That's the weirdest rider thing I've ever heard. I like when they leak out somebody's rider because like Madonna would have one that was like, I mean that's literally where like the oh yeah, orange M&M's thing came from.

I remember when we had J. Moore in our pod, he was saying socks, fresh clean socks, and a humidifier. That was his thing? Yeah. Socks, what, in case he's on a road too long? He said he just, he goes, there's nothing that feels better than a pair of fresh clean socks.

Yeah. I never was weird like that. I don't know if I should even say it's weird, but I try to be as low maintenance as possible, man. Whatever that star diva shit is, I gotta have this and this has gotta be, the room's gotta be set to a certain time. I don't give a fuck about none of that.

Just pay me, man. Just pay me, respect me. You know what I mean? That's what I want. I want the respect that they're going to police the room when I'm on stage. If there's people talking, I want them warned and then thrown out. That's my number one thing. Which is great when it's done. But then there's places where I just... There's been places where I will literally... And

listen, I'm pretty good at shut motherfuckers up and down. But when you know you're dealing with somebody who's like the Mahoosha Dean, they so drunk that it's a suicide bomber. You can't beat them. So I'm just at one point, I just go, what the fuck are y'all doing? Are all the fucking wardens and the guards at lunch?

And they're all getting paid. They're standing in the lobby, shooting the shit, or on their phones. Or standing against the wall in the club. Like, what the fuck are y'all doing, man? And I don't mind if they're yelling at me, at least I got somebody I can engage. It's the table that's talking to each other.

Because not only are they throwing me off, they're fucking up everybody around them. They gotta go. That's why I don't want any parties, more than four people anywhere near the stage. They are in the back row where you can throw them right out. Does it bother you when you're doing your show and they start dropping checks?

There's a way to do it. Stagger it. Don't drop every check at the, sometimes they all come out and they blanket the whole crowd. They've got six servers all dropping. It's like, no, hit this section, then this one. Give me a chance. Right. Yeah. See, it's amazing that people don't know, you have to be a comedian to know some of that inside shit. Because from the outside looking in, you'd go, whoa, what's

the big deal? You just get up there, you tell your joe. But people don't understand, man. The level of concentration you have to have at times when you're going, I'm in the middle of a bit, I can't stop to address something, because if I do that, you can't go back to the bit. It's dead. But at the same time, you're also gauging, are they talking so much that I really need to address it?

Because if they're not that big of a nuisance, I can let this go. But if they keep going, at some point you're going like double dutch. When do I fucking, and then when the staff comes over, another thing that bothers me that I wanna say is, kneel the fuck down. Pretend it's a helicopter.

Because when you're standing in front of the stage, straight up, it's like everybody's watching TV and you're in the way. And it distracts from them paying attention to what I'm doing. So it's like, it might seem petty, but those little things, it matters. No, when you're a comedian,

you're making so many micro decisions in that course of that hour. Am I going too fast? Should I walk more? Should I put the mic in the stand? Little nuances of how you're doing each joke. And when you have to then factor in something external like that, it fucks up all those other thoughts

you're trying to make. It's like a quarterback who's being blitzed. You just can't keep your plays straight. But no, I like when somebody yells out. That's why I like to stress, I like Jersey comedy, I like when somebody yells out. That's why I like to stress fact. I like Jersey comedy, I like Long Island comedy. I like when people are having fun. I want it to feel like a party.

I don't need to be the only guy talking for an hour. Well, I don't mind audience participation, but I have to be the one controlling it. Yes. You know, because once you let too many people think that that's what the show is about, it's like giving your drunk uncle the keys to the gun cabinet.

You know, everybody's got keys, you know, and that's dangerous mixed with liquor. Right, right. So I have to kind of be in control of the chaos. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to send a, it's like, it's almost like you walk in the prison yard,

you punch the biggest guy in the face. Right. So when somebody heckles, you have to send a, it's like, it's almost like you walk in the prison yard, you punch the biggest guy in the face. Right. So when somebody heckles, you have to annihilate them. To let everybody else know, no ass rape will be tolerated here. Exactly, my ass is my ass. Exactly, if I give you the booty, I give you the booty. Right.

But you ain't taking it. You're not taking it, I'm getting some fucking cigarettes out of you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. So when you, then I give some, so that's the stick but then I'll also give the carrot if somebody is near the stage and I engage them and they say something really funny I don't try to top it I give it to them I go that was fucking that was I can I don't know what to say now that was a crowd fucking

loves when you give it up to the audience. That's humility. Yes. They love that. Yes. You know. Humility is everything. I was thinking that yesterday. I was thinking about how we can get so competitive. And some of these comedians that are doing big theaters and arenas and stuff, I just think about like, you know, and some of them, like somebody like a Bert Kreischer who's playing arenas somehow still has humility.

He's still the most humble, giving, decent guy, and I don't know that I could be that guy if I was at that level. Like I sort of feel like I'm at the level I'm at. I always say I crawl my way to the middle, I'm staying right here because I'm not, my head's not gonna get blown out. I got my wife and kids, I pay attention to them.

I'm a good friend. But I have had brushes where I'm more famous. I hosted a show on MTV or whatever, I had moments. And I kind of feel like I didn't like myself as much at those moments. I feel like I wasn't, I lost my humility. Have you found that at certain times? Because obviously you were on MADtv for what,

like seven years? About eight years. Eight years. Yeah. Did you find, and be honest with me, did you find there were times where you were like, I was kind of big headed there or something? You know what?

I don't know if that's the right word, but to me, it's like, and listen, I always say this, I'm grateful for MADtv, because it made me more famous than I had been up to that point, but if I'm being completely honest, I wanted SNL. You know, it's like the difference between playing in the CBA versus the NBA.

You know, it's like, what was it before the league in basketball before it merged with the NBA? American Basketball League? Where Dr. J played. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. Before it merged into the NBA. So I kind of felt like I was in that league

and as grateful as I am for what it did for me, what it gave me, deep down is just that thing where you just go, I just feel like if I had been on SNL with what I was able to do on MADtv, my career would have been in a different place. Yeah. Did you audition for SNL? No, I got on MADtv first and Lorne Michaels had a strict thing where it was like if you... Yeah, I know that.

You can't do both. Yeah. Right. So, you know, there's this thing in me where it's, I've always wanted Kevin Hart-like fame. Really? The ability to do an arena and be that famous. But the older I get and the more I go through this business, I feel like I at least, I don't know if I'll ever get it,

but I at least wanna taste it. I wanna know if it's what I think it is. And I might not like it once I really get it. Be careful what you ask for. But because I haven't gotten it, I want it so bad, just so I can go, oh my God, this is everything that I knew it was gonna be. Or I'll go, I don't like this shit.

What do you think it'll be, the good version of it? I don't know, I, you know. Like what will it be that you good version of it? I don't know. What will it be that you don't already have? Complete access. You know, without a fight. It's like, I'm sure there's, with levels to everything, there's going to be some pushback, but I refuse to believe that when you get to Jim Carrey's level, you're fighting the same fight that I'm fighting.

Whatever fight he's fighting, can't nearly be what this is. And whatever that is, okay, bring it on. But I'm tired of this fight. Let me fight that fight. Because I don't want anybody telling me what I can't do creatively. When you're a major movie star

and you're producing box office hits, it's like you get the keys to the city. Creatively. They let you develop your own stuff. Leave me to fuck alone. Right. And this is the one thing I hate about this business. It's like you got people in high powered positions with titles and wearing suits that are trying to tell you what funny is. It's like just sign the fucking check, man.

That sounds anti-Semitic when you say that. Well you know Jews run the business. Let creative people create. But can't you create you've got you've got a podcast you get to go on stage every night and say whatever the fuck you want. I mean isn't it relative like because more money more problems. What about all the assistance you're gonna have? I don't know that I believe that I think that's an overrated quote more money more problems be broke even more problems. Yeah but you're not broke. You have a level of access that most look if you were to put a percentile on where you are in this business you're in the top 5% if not 3%

and you gotta you gotta look down, you're in the top 5%, if not 3%. And you gotta look down because the struggles and the lack of choices that people have below you, I'm not saying that, like, I just think, I look at you as a guy that is so in control of their career, I've always admired you because you're a guy that, you know, you put yourself out there, you continue year after year to play A rooms,

to big, big, you got a great reputation, you know, and it just, it makes me sad that you want this arena thing, because I don't see it the way it offers. But I didn't get in this to go, I just wanna be here. My dreams weren't just to be here, my dream was to be there. So that's the dream. Yeah. Now if

I fall short of the dream, okay, but let me not be happy and complacent with here when where I want to be is there. Yeah. You know? Unless it makes you unhappy that you want that so bad. Well let me find out. Let me find out if once I get it. No, no, no, unless it makes you unhappy that you covet it so much. No, no, but my unhappiness is just, you know, listen, you're right, when I put things in perspective, you look back and you go, hey man, you better than, there's a lot of people want your spot. Yeah.

And that's great. Right. But when I lay my head down at night, what I really want, I don't have yet. So I don't feel good with just being here. Yeah. You know what I really want, I don't have yet. So I don't feel good with just being here. Yeah. You know what I mean? But what do you think you need to do to get there? Let me blow off my tap shoes

and get ready to get my Louis Armstrong on. Potato, potato, you see it the other way. Oh, really? It's a little bit of that. My mouthpiece, while it might be my greatest attribute, it's also my biggest detriment. I'm in a business where they like you to be quiet and not so vocal. Let's be honest, when you're black and you're male in this business, whatever it is that you do is even bigger when I do it.

Because it's like, if we're being honest, niggas stay in your place. That's the racism of this business. Show business has always been that way to black people. So, you know, I gotta learn to Fred Astaire a little bit better without selling out. Maybe keep my mouth closed about at times. Lose some weight, look better.

Why do you think you speak out like that? Because it's who I am, man. I'm a New Yorker. I'm a male, alpha male, and I'm an Aries. I got all the ingredients for dynamite. I'm an Aries too. I speak out way too much. I once said to Jimmy Kimmel, he was on the podcast and I go, what is it about a guy like you that makes it to a certain place and a guy like me doesn't? And he goes,

because a guy like you hosts the porn awards. Which I did twice. I did twice too and that's the kind of shit that it seems fun at the time. But here's the hypocrisy. It doesn't help you. But here's the hypocrisy. for whatever the shade is that is going to be thrown at you from this industry for doing that. What's my man Weinstein just entered the chat. Yeah. There's people in this business, drugs, alcohol, sex. Yeah. Some may say pedophilia. Yeah. What are you doing that hasn't already been done by people more powerful than you? So let's knock off the bull set.

Although nowadays if you do it right and you apologize, or not even apologize, that's your ticket to ride. Look at Tony Hinchcliffe. That guy got in trouble for saying something and then. But did he really? Did he really? His agent dropped him, he lost all of his standup gigs. Oh, I didn't know that.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, he got shut down fast. That feels like all of that shit is temporary though. Well it is if you handle it right. I think he didn't apologize. Which I think is maybe the right way to do it. He addressed it without apologizing, which as a standup comic, I think is maybe the right way to do it. He addressed it without apologizing which is a stand-up comic I think there's a way to make it work for you, especially now

Listen man, the money talks. Yeah, and the moment you start I once had a a manager Used to be with Brillstein Entertainment who i'm with now and have been since forever, but this particular manager at that time, Peter Safran, I don't know if you... Sure, yeah. Yeah, and he's like a big movie producer now. He's done a lot of stuff with James Gunn and Guardians of the Galaxy, Suicide Squad.

He once told me, we had lunch, he was like, listen man, if you can open a weekend, you could damn be Hitler. You know, but if you can open a weekend at the box office, all is forgivable. Mel Gibson's back on top. Hey, come on now.

You know? So, you know, that's the thing about this business, the insanity of it. You're always one something away from turning everything around. Right, right. It's funny, I'm reading, there's a great new biography of Muhammad Ali that's out.

And I mean, talk about breaking the rules, like when he was coming up, I think it's a lot about what you were talking about, it was 1960. And, you know, Joe Lewis and the guys that had come before him, they were the version of a black guy that white America wanted. You know, they were humble and they worked hard. And then he came along and he started saying, I'm the greatest. He started denigrating his opponents. And he got all the sports writers talk bad shit about him. And that's all.

Well, let me go back a little bit before that though. Joe Lewis was, but even Ali said in an interview, man, they think I'm crazy. Jack Johnson was crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His mother was brutally knocking out white men and then sleeping with white women Yeah, and that was an opening right when they was hanging me. Yeah, you go. So people think I'm crazy. Jack Johnson was a motherfucker Yeah, I still the greatest fighter for all the great fighters Have been knocked out never been knocked out never had a mark on my face. I thought so crazy

I felt quite knowing I'm still the greatest, I'm still pretty. Do Ali walking into a fraternity party? Oh look at all these women. I do old Ali, you know? I can't believe all these women dressed like this, showing all the body parts, the breasts, the ass. It's not good, it's just not good at all. Cover up, be a Muslim, do the right thing, eat, don't drink, don't do alcohol. Damon Rans had one of the funniest jokes. He said when they did the Ali movie with Will Smith

and Ali went to the premiere, the movie was so long that at one point even Ali was like. Yeah. Alright it's time for fastballs with Fitz. Uh oh. What's your best male friendship? Oh the one that I've had with my boy who I call my brother Ishmael since fourth grade. We've been thick as thieves since the fourth grade.

He lives out here. Yeah. We watched each other as thieves since the fourth grade. He lives out here. Yeah. Watched each other get fat, have families. He's like, he's my, I'm his doc holiday. His Wyatt Earp. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

What does he do for a living? He has two jobs. Works one in a financial situation. Yeah. And then one where he works at FedEx. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Oh yeah, that's my heart, man. financial situation and then one where he works at FedEx. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Oh yeah, that's my heart, man.

And you guys, you grew up in New Jersey together? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever have roommates? Yeah, as a matter of fact, he was, at one point when he left Jersey, he was living in Florida, but he was struggling, so I just called him up and was like, hey man, come live with me out here in Cali. Yeah.

And I was back in 94. Right. He's been here since. Do you ever have moments with him where you sort of clear the air, like where you say like there's something you're doing that is bothering me or are we good? No. Isn't that funny with male friendships?

Let me tell you something. Females will bring that shit up every time they hang out. If I was gay, he'd be the man, I'd fuck. Jesus Christ, let's move on to the next question. It's fucking weird, I'm talking about friendship. Because we're tightly bonded and we don't fight, and it's like, no matter how close you are with your woman, she's still a woman.

This is not helping your career, man. She gonna fuck with you about the two doors. What's the closest you ever got to a fist fight on stage? Oh, listen, I've never come to a point where I was going to swing at somebody, but I've and you know of all the places you would think, the ghettos of Detroit, Chicago, the roughest parts of New York, the most gangsta shit I've ever, places I've been to has been Canada. Get out of here. Edmonton. Really? Oh yeah, Edmonton is tough. I see oilfield guys.

A girl, women. One girl got mad and threw a pitcher of beer at me. Another girl tried to come on stage and her boyfriend stopped her. So yeah, man. Damn. You ain't doing comedy right unless somebody wants to put hands on you. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Yeah, it's a good feeling. Yeah. When they're dragging that person, when the bouncers are dragging that person out,

you just go like, you go, nah, nah, nah, nah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the bad, the whole crowd's behind you. I had a girl, you know it's one of the most gangster clubs in the country, the Funny Bone in Connecticut. Oh sure. I had a girl throw a Heinz ketchup bottle, hit me in the face. Did you keep going? Oh, you talk about concentration.

I know it was cheesy, but I'm looking to my right because, oh shit, my bad. I'm looking to my right. You gotta take it. If your phone rings on this show, you gotta take it. Oh no, no. It might be some pussy. This one girl was mean mugging the shit out of me. Her boyfriend was laughing, but she wasn't laughing and I hate that.

So I called her out and I was like, bitch, why you bitch? Why you? Called a couple bitches. So I turned my head and next thing I know, bow. She said, I got you bitch, nigga. And then they took her out and I could feel my face swelling up. So at one point I was like, said to the crowd, I was like, is my face swelling up? They were like, yeah. I was like, I know that was a fucked up incident, but I'm going to keep going. Try and catch up. Yeah there it is everybody! You know you have to make the most of it. That's good. Have you ever not finished a set? No but I've thought about it. Yeah. And I tell you where I've thought about it. Colleges, which is why I don't do them no more. I hate kids, man.

I hate them motherfuckers. They're no experience, there's nothing worse than being a seasoned vet and you're looking in the face of someone who's looking at you, making you second guess your career choice. And I just go, I know I'm funny. I know this shit is smart. You motherfuckers just ain't live no life.

That's why I'm like, give me clubs. I wish we could go back to when you could smoke in clubs. You can, oh you mean the audience. The audience. Me on stage and the light illuminates by the cigarette smoke and oh man. Yeah, you want dirty people in the car. Yeah, give me Times Square back in the 80s.

You ever see Jeff Ross did that show in a prison? I would never do that. Dude, that'd be funny as shit. Not for me, the idea of being on a steak happening? Yeah. No. Yeah, that's true. Be a good story. Shit.

Be a good podcast story. When's the last time you apologized to somebody? I can't remember, but I'm sure it's recent. I'm sure it's recent. I'm sure it's recent. Sometimes I just say I'm sorry just because. Do you want to apologize to Vinny Brand for saying that he's? Fuck no.

Vinny knows it with his death ass. All right, final question and then we'll get to your tour dates, which you have a bunch of coming up. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done on stage? The hackiest bit? I don't know that I've ever done one. Oh, shut the fuck up. I don't know that I've ever done one. Oh, shut the fuck up. I don't know that I've ever done one.

Stop, nobody's ever answered that on this show. Here's why, no, no, but here's why I say that. Because who is anybody to say what's hack? If the objective is to go up there and make an audience laugh, like I've heard people go, man, Carrot Toppin', they give him shit. I agree with you. But the objective is to make the audience laugh.

And if you accomplish that mission, you've done your job. Yes. Who the fuck are you to say what's hack? I hear a lot of white comics go, you know, black comics always love to go black people, white people. You know, white people do this, but black people do that. Well, first of all, stereotypes are based in truth. Yeah. White people, y'all do a lot of the shit that we say.

And black people, we do some of the shit that y'all say. So no matter what it is, if we get the laugh, what do you... Mission accomplished. All right. I hear that. I hear that. I just meant more like, I think we all have a standard for ourselves and our material. And sometimes I'll look back in a bit and I'll go like all right I was I was taking the easy way out on that one. I saw Barry Katz on his podcast he's talking to somebody and he was essentially saying that he thought

crowd work was hacky which bothered me. Barry said that? Yes and I just went it's one of the hardest art forms within the art form. It's like playing basketball. Not everybody has a full skillset. Some guys are great dunkers, but maybe not the greatest shooters. Some guys are great offensively, but not great defensively. Michael Jordan was the greatest,

because he did it all. There were no weaknesses. So a lot of guys on stage, their jokes are their playbook. And anything that happens outside of guys on stage, they, you know, their jokes are their playbook. And anything that happens outside of the playbook, they turn into a deer in headlights. Uh oh, some motherfuckin' in the third row said, what, what am I do?

To be able to leave your playbook, and I'll put it in football terms, you could still be an award winning Hall of Fame championship quarterback in the pocket, a la Brett Favre. But if you can Michael Vickett and leave the pocket and scramble, you're twice as deadly.

You know what I mean? And if you can't do that, that don't make you any less of a comic, but if you can do both, you're very dangerous. And not every guy can do that. But when Barry goes, I don't do a. So, but when Barry goes, you know, I don't do a great Barry, but Jay Morick, oh my God.

But you know, when you say there's somebody in the crowd, what do you do for a living? It's hacky, because it's like, no, it's the introduction to how you open the door. How do you talk to somebody at a party? What do you do? You gotta ask the questions. Right, and that's the gateway to wherever you end up.

So to say that's hacky. I think to say anything, I mean, there's guitar, people go, oh, guitar acts. Even fucking ventriloquists. Otto and George were fucking brilliant. He was brilliant. Until I saw the documentary on Jeff Dunham, I was like, this guy. But then I saw the documentary on Jeff Dunham, I was like, this guy.

But then I saw the doc and I went, hats off, man. Whole new respect. Yeah, you're getting a crowd, you're making people laugh, you're making a living, people are making a living off of you, you're generating something, you know. Yeah, hats off. All right, some tour dates coming up.

I mean, I can't say enough about you live. I mean mean you're like a guy who's been honing it for 30 years You fucking kill every time standing ovation. Not a lot of guys get standing ovations. You're like a standing-o guy Thank you, sir. I mean I get people standing up, but they're they're leaving The improv in Ontario March 13 through 16 that already was yeah. All right. Let's start with anything after water for Like for instance coming up this week is Cincinnati All right, Cincinnati funny bone March 28th and 29th April 4th through 6 the improv in San Jose May 31st the Wilbur Theatre in Boston you can see all those races Look at a fucking niggas kid. I

Drove all the way in my Gaffernish. June 6th through 8th, Louisville June 12th, Fitzgerald Theatre in St. Paul June 17th through 20, Helium in Portland You also got dates coming up in San Diego, Albuquerque, Appleton. Go to is it just AriesSpears.com and get some tickets. Can't thank you enough for coming back. And also, please check out the podcast, Spears and Steinberg, available on all streaming platforms. YouTube channel, Spearsberg Pod. Hit like and subscribe. And I always tell people, I can't tell you how to listen, but I prefer you listen rather

than do YouTube, because we didn't get on YouTube until three years in. Yeah. So all the episodes aren't available. And plus, start from the beginning. I know it's a lot. Yes, it's a journey. It's like masturbation and potato chips. Once you start, you won't stop. You can follow the evolution of the show,

the characters, the callbacks, the jokes. Spears and Steinberg. But you never started masturbating. I stopped when I was 16. Oh, there you go. And hit me up on Instagram under Aries Spears, slide in my DMs, I'll send you the links. All right, thank you again man. Thank you about a new sponsor to the show that are... Do you want to support American Farms these days?

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