Fitzdog Radio - Beth Stelling - Episode 1061

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

My co-writer on Crashing and one of my favorite comics Beth Stelling joins me for a fun hour where we talk about her eccentric father and her quest for a world championship in field hockey. Follow Beth Stelling on Instagram @BethStelling

Yo, how you doing? Welcome to New York City's Fitts Dogg Radio. I'm 87th Street. I'm on the Upper West Side. Very Jewish. Very Jewish area. I call it the Upper West Bank, and it's a lot of intellectual, here's the upper west side of New York City, is you've got people that are lifers, they have been in New York forever, and they are newspaper reading, they got hair in their nose and their ears, they don't give a fuck.

They stand on street corners and they kvetch and they argue and they talk. And it's just, it's a nice slice of New York. It's not for everybody. It can be, it's a little slow compared to other parts of the city, but it's nice. We're staying at my mother-in-law's house, which is the final stop on the places

that we didn't have sex on vacation tour. Two weeks. We got two, I should give a shout out by the way, Mike Gibbons, my best friend and my co-podcaster. His mom passed this week, so we're sending a lot of love to the family, to his sister Laura and his daughters and all those people. Rich, her husband, died peacefully in,

she was in hospice, it was a very short hospice. I gotta tell ya, short hospice is the way to go. Just give me a week pumped up on, what do they put you on, morphine? Give me a morphine drip and a comfortable bed and all my loved ones surrounding me telling me they love me. Yeah, I'll take that. I think that's the way I wanna go.

Pain free and glowing in adoration from people that have never, I know I've talked about this before, but this is the way she went and I think that everybody in the family got to speak to her in every sense of the word. I think it was a lot of honesty and I think it was there's a lot of honesty and I think it was very beautiful

and so she was a really wonderful woman. I've known her for obviously a lot of years and yeah she'll be missed. It's very sad. I mean I think she qualifies for sad. I mean I don't know how old she was probably 81. That's sad, right? What's the age it's not sad? 82, 84? I'm 58. I don't think if I went right now, my wife would be that sad.

Actually, she would be. My life insurance policy just ran out. Sorry baby! Gone. You get zero. Nada. And you got to pay for a fucking box for me. Obviously, the big story is Joseph Jonathan Biden will be coasting through the finish

line. How nice is it, by the way, to be a president and not have to run for reelection? Now he can enjoy the Rose Garden, and I don't know, take that President One, what's it called, Air Force One, take it to the Bahamas. Who gives a fuck? It's not enough time to impeach you. Just go enjoy.

Hey, he should do like, he should play Jeopardy every day. That's what he's gonna do. I think he's gonna retire from big president and maybe go on Jeopardy, go on dancing with the stars. Naked and afraid. I don't mean to joke about this. I'm just so relieved that he stepped down.

And I thought he did a lot in his career. I thought he was a very effective person who stood by his word. I mean, yeah, he made mistakes, but not a bad dude. Kamala, and please call her Kamala. Don't be stupid. And go, Kamala. I know be stupid and go, Kamala. I know that that's insulting, but it's childish.

It's playground childish. Let's rise above that. And now the big talk is who's her vice president. And it's all like this calculation that she's Indian and black, Indian American and African American, whatever you fucking say. She's Indian and black, Indian American and African American. Whatever you fucking say. She's Indian and black, so we need a white male guy.

You can't pick a Jew. Like there's a Jew I guess they like in Pennsylvania. A Jew, a Jewish gentleman from Pennsylvania. But yeah, well this guy, you know, the nominee's gay and a midget, so you know, we can't really pick an Irishman. She's an alcoholic and got a DUI, so the running mate can't have hemorrhoids.

I mean, what the fuck, what is this? Pick two good people. You know what? Just pick the, she's a black woman, black Indian woman. So let's balance the ticket. Let's pick the whitest, manliest, Christianist man possible. And that man is Hunter Biden.

Can you imagine? Who knows? You don't have to change the signs, the Biden Harris signs, you just flip it. And what's weird is that the Democrats have now done like some Thai cheese shit on the Republicans. is that the Democrats have now done like some Thai cheese shit on the Republicans. Because the whole gist of the Republican push for Trump has been that Biden is so old and that he doesn't speak correctly. He's not eloquent. He's not clear. And now we pull out Biden, we put in a 57 year old,

and now all of a sudden he's standing there going like, oh shit, I'm the old guy. And he's saying a lot of fucked up shit himself. So I think a debate will be interesting. I can't wait for the debate. Somebody's going to win that debate. Somebody is going to beat the other person. Anyway, you guys don't come to this podcast to hear about politics. You want to hear about me and my family. My daughter turned 21 last week and we, she had a party. She had a big party. Did I even talk about, I don't even know if I talked about this yet, but yeah, there was fireworks. There was neighbors calling. It was good. She went for it. We left town and she fucking threw a two day long bash

at the house. Went to Vermont, stayed with our friends the Dunskys, they're old Jews from LA who decided to farm. So they got 130 acres in the middle of Vermont and they wear overalls, and they wear boots. And we went out into the woods, and we hunted for mushrooms. We found them, we found a bunch of mushrooms.

Chanterelles, and they call them lobster mushrooms. They look and taste like lobster. We swam in their pond. Here's what we did on this trip, and I'm not exaggerating. We swam in a pond, a river, a lake, a creek, a waterfall, a dam, and a swimming pool, so far. It's been a hot, it's been a heat wave, so we've been just cooling off

in any body of water that will have us. And you know, there's, we went to a co-op farm, I mean, Vermont is amazing. They're friends with this co-op farm, and we went tubing down the river. Some fucking bald eagle came swooping above us. It was incredible. And then we went to my wife, her cousin Anna has a house

that was built in like 1860 and sleeping in, no air conditioning. And we slept in, it's a beautiful house, but it's, you know, it's tight and it's hot. And she is a chef for Martha Stewart. So what's nice is she had to prepare a French toast recipe for Martha Stewart. And so we got to have that in the morning.

We went to the place where Erin grew up. Well, she grew up in Manhattan, but then her father had a country house, just a little kind of barn out in the Berkshire, so we drove out there. It was nice. It really makes you think about moving to the country, getting to know the locals, you know, having a local coffee shop you go to, and I don't know, it's attractive to me. The pace was really, maybe I'd get crazy,

but the pace was very appealing to me. Then we went to Erin's mother-in-law's house. Mother-in-law, no, stepmother's house. And she's a little bit of a, let's call her a collector. She enjoys collecting things, like a lot of old video tapes and books and wicker baskets. It's a very hippie.

She's a real hippie. She's a great lady. And she's got this beautiful garden that's all organic and it's getting eaten up by rabbits and deer. And there's a hedgehog. They have a compost bin and there's literally a hedgehog living in the compost bin and they just throw the banana peels and the egg shells

and the meat rinds into, and the hedgehog just eats it and that way he doesn't eat the garden. So that's the deal, they've struck with the hedgehog. Woodstock is beautiful. It's having a resurgence, there's a big music scene going on there. Didn't see any bands, but I know people that play music up there and they say it's unbelievable. No cell coverage whatsoever because the hippies

in Woodstock don't want the waves dude. Can't have those radio waves going through my dreadlocks dude. So you literally cannot talk on the phone in half the places you are. Then we went to my sister's house. That was amazing. She's got a big beautiful house that her husband built. He's a construction guy, Did it with his own hands and kicked her ass in pool and cornhole. It's kind of, it was kind of uncool to go to somebody's house and beat them at their own games, but I did it. We slept on a memory foam cushion. She was very proud of that.

Oh, it's memory foam. I'm like, this is gonna be no memories from us staying here. This bed's gonna have amnesia. All right, I'm exhausted. I did Ari Shafir's podcast last night. He's like, hey, we're supposed to do it today. And then he calls me up at like eight o' podcast last night. He's like, hey, we're supposed to do it today. And then he calls me up at like eight o'clock last night.

Hey, why don't you come over now? And we'll do it tonight. So I get to his house at like 9.30. We shoot the shit for like two hours. And then we do the podcast for like an hour and a half. I don't know, at least an hour and a half it felt like. And I'm fucking fried. I got home at like 2.30 in the morning.

I'm exhausted. Anyway, so sorry if this isn't a great opening to the podcast, but it is a great podcast because we have the great Beth Stelling. My special's coming out. I'm not sure the date. It's either gonna be August 22nd or August 27th. I gotta decide.

It's based on when my Rogan episode premieres. I want it to be the same day. But I'm going on. I just booked, yesterday I texted a bunch of podcasters and they were all extremely kind and generous and I'm gonna be making a big loop of podcasts coming on Bird Kreischer's and Kill Tony and Your Mom's House, Corolla, Marin,

Skanks, all of it. It's all coming up in August, late August. You're gonna be sick of seeing me show up in your podcast feed. But I'm really looking forward to it. The special is called You Know Me. It's gonna be out on YouTube. And I'm gonna have some kind of a YouTube

live streaming thing leading up to the release. I'm gonna ask you guys for your support. This is a huge special for me. I need you guys to watch it, spread the word, like it, chat about it, get involved. Get that algorithm going, baby. That mystical, magical, like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain.

Nobody understands the algorithm, but you're trying to get on it. I also got some live tour dates coming up, some new ones actually. I will be at the Brea Improv, July 26th to the 28th, that's this weekend. And I will be at the Louisville Comedy Club, August 23rd, 24th.

Comedy Works in Denver, August 29th through 31st. The Mother Ship in Austin, September September 6 through the 8th, Fairbanks Alaska September 25th to the 28th, Brick Town Comedy Club in Tulsa, Tacoma Comedy Club and the Punchline San Francisco all coming up this fall. Go to FitzDog.com, get yourself some tickets, get involved with me Live. Me Live! Okay, and now let's talk about my guest. We got Beth Stelling. She and I wrote on Crashing Together.

And you have a whole staff of people that writes, and then they send some people off to do Punch Up. So she and I spent a summer, like four months basically, you go and you sit on set and you watch the shoot and you throw in little punch lines. It's like the funnest job in the world. You just drink cappuccinos and you eat great. We had a credit card, we fucking ate

at any restaurant we wanted three times a day. Cappuccinos, fucked around, everybody loved us. It was, we were like, it's like being paid to be the class clown. You're just hanging around trying to make things funnier. But Beth is, she started out in Chicago and she was named Beth's best comedian in Chicago and she was named Beth's best comedian in Chicago before moving out to LA. She was on Conan at Midnight, Chelsea Lately, The Pete Holmes Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Vulture

named her the best stand-up comedy, one of the best stand-up specials of 2015. She's in all the top 10. New York Times loves her, and she did a special in her hometown if you don't, whatever, she's done it all. The Last OG, another period on Comedy Central, Rick and Morty. Anyway, she's a dear friend,

she's a very special, unique human, and I love her. And here's my chat with Beth Stelling. ["Hey Now!" by The Bachelorette plays.] Hey now! Ha ha ha ha! I love you so much. Ha ha ha ha! Can you imagine making Hey Now yours?

Like the fact that you have cornered the market on Hey Now. Well, no, it was, well, it was originally Larry Sanders. Well, I don't care. I don't know who that is. It was the first place and then Stern did it, but I've taken it to a new level because here's the thing about Hey Now. I don't know who any of those guys are but you.

Larry Sanders, the Gary Shanley show. You never saw that? I'm just kidding, but you're the only one that I know. All right, of those guys are but you. Larry Sanders, the Gary Shanley show? You never saw that? I'm just kidding, but you're the only one that I watched. All right, all right, good, good. Listen, hey now can be used as a greeting, hey now. Or it can be a question, hey now. Or a warning, hey now, easy. You can get me tooed with a hey now. Hey now, easy. Ha ha ha. You can get me tooed with a hey now.

Hey now, hey now. Drop it. Ha ha ha. Or you could be somebody that you haven't seen in a while. Hey now. Hey now. Or before you're gonna launch a bomb. Hey now.

Ha ha ha. Or if you're gonna feed your horse and you're trying to tell them to eat. Hey, now. Hey, now. Hey, now. Could be sexy. Hey, now. It is! Yeah. Wow, that was sexual. Keep it PG. Let's make a toast. Okay. Cheers. Whoa. Here's to friends that- Here's to the ones that we love. Friends that we love. Friends that we got to spend a lot of time with.

You and I had a gift because we worked on crashing and one summer we went for, what was it, three months in New York? Yeah, to New York City in the summer. New York City for three months. You were living in Greenpoint also, right? We lived in Greenpoint. Cause that's where the soundstage was, in the office. And we spent 12 to 14 hours a day,

five days a week for three months. And it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough! We had fun. We had a lot of fun, it was a lot for three months. And it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough! We had fun. We had a lot of fun, it was a lot of coffee. The best part about that job was, you're on some jobs and it's like, today we're getting in and out burgers

and that's like a big treat. We got a credit card, the writer's assistant had a credit card that had no limit. We would go for, remember we went for lobsters one day? Those were the days. The pre-strike days. The pre-strike days. Now it's rough out here. It is rough. Yeah. I know. I think we should just continue to reminisce instead of let me divert us to a rough patch. Let's talk about lobsters. We had lobsters and then we used to go out for call because when you're we were doing punch up on the show which means it's a filmed

show so there's a lot of setting up cameras. Brilliant everybody laughs and it ends there. And then you have a few hours off and you go get a cort, which is the double shot of espresso with steamed milk. That's right. To about 160 degrees, 140. Yeah, was that it? Yeah. Did you work in a coffee shop? I'm a trained intelligentsia barista.

Oh, that's right. I also, the cortado, the beauty of it is that it should be sippable right away. Yes. And it's not too hot hot so you can sort of, I don't know if it doesn't, it highlights the flavor of the espresso well with the milk. Yes, and also when you steam the milk,

it releases some of the lactate. And the sweetness. So it gets sweet. Yeah. It gets a little bit sweet. That's why, that's the beauty of a cafe au lait as opposed to just milk in your coffee. Yeah.

The milk will taste a little sweeter. Right. And you don't need all that in your coffee. Yeah. The milk will taste a little sweeter. Right. And you don't need all that sugar hot dip. Yeah. Olay. Look at you looking straight down the barrel on your making your points. You're gonna write it, that's your camera over there.

Olay. Olay could be your hey now. Olay. I know, but I feel like somebody will get upset with me thinking, I have to explain it's not O-L-E like I'm not appropriating yeah it's French. It's French. I'm appropriating from the French. Yeah. A-U space L-A-I-T. Parle tout français? Je parle un peu. wait. Je parle un peu. Je parle un peu français. Yeah, that's good. Je me parle Gigi. Gigi? Dans l'école. In, chose? Yeah, chose. Chose. Qu'est-ce que chose? Oh yeah,

tu choises, Gigi. Je m'appelle Grégoire. Je pense sexy. Oui, c'est très sexy. I went to France and they didn't want, I would speak French to them and then they would answer me in English. I know, that's the typical series of events or order of events, you'd be like, bonjour, je voudrais un pain au chocolat and they're like, step to your right down to the register. And you're like. Well, it's because you're an Au Bon Pain in the valley. All right.

Yeah. Oh, I guess Paris Baguette doesn't like to participate in the culture that they are benefiting from. Paris Baguette, is that a place? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. It's kind of big in Koreatown here. Oh.

At least there's multiple locations. Where do you live? My address is 2469 Barnes. I'm just kidding. I live in, what would you call it? I guess Franklin Village area. Franklin Village? Yeah.

Is that in the Valley? No, I'm in the realm of UCB. Oh, that's lovely. Great hiking over there. Yeah. Are you a hiker? I hiked yesterday. You did?

Yeah, because I got some reports back from my doctor that said I needed vitamin D. Yeah. I'm getting plenty of D, but the vitamin part. Protein shots, is that what you're getting? Yep. Wow. So I was like, I'm gonna get out. I mean, isn't everybody vitamin D deficient?

Yes. Okay. And then you wear sunscreen. And not to mention you and me were pretty pale. You don't get the D when you wear sunscreen. Are you sure? Positive. Are you sure? Researchers.

Can somebody look that up, whether you get vitamin D? How is that possible? Because life's unfair. You don't tan in a car. And I have these glasses that when you go out in the sun, they turn dark, but in your car, it doesn't work. So you can look at all the kids you want. The kids.

Everybody always says transitions lenses are for pedophiles, but I have some too, so. People don't apply enough sunscreen to block the vitamin D. Okay. He said people are so negligent. Okay. But if you did do it fastidiously, you wouldn't get the vitamin D. Okay. Oh. He said people are so negligent. Okay. But if you did do it fastidiously, you you wouldn't get the vitamin D. All right, so yeah, so don't do everything. Do this. You

don't want to be the woman that gets older and has like the wrinkled freckly triangle. Yeah, and it's just a triangle. Spotted. Yeah, but don't do your arms. It's probably a French word. Décolage. Décolage. Yeah. And it looks like the top of a water balloon that's been around for a while that you're holding on to. It's a bad luck. Liverwort comes to mind. I don't know what that is or why. I feel like I'm growing one here. See this dark spot on my hand? Yeah. What if I'm that guy? I'm Irish and so it's just.

Yeah, you're gonna get spots on your hands. You're gonna get a lot of spots. Yeah. I know, it's just sort of like, well, I think mine is from side effects of birth control in the past. I have like a spot right here, a dark spot. You do?

I covered it up with makeup today. Oh. But. Do you talk about that in your standup? I have a big spot right here, a dark spot. You do? I covered it up with makeup today. Oh. But. Do you talk about that in your standup? I have a big birth control side effects in the Netflix special. Yeah. Yeah.

A whole reading of the ingredients, I mean side effects. And my Netflix special is kind of. October 3rd it comes out, right? It's out. Well I thought you had one coming out October 3rd. It was the last October 3rd. Yeah. But let's pretend it's brand new. Okay. My new Netflix special is out now. It's called If You Didn't Want Me Then, streaming now on Netflix. Which so many places called it like one of the top 10 specials of the year. New York Times. That

was cool. Oh my god. Beth that was so exciting. I agree with you. I agree with you. Sometimes it's hard to not, sometimes it's hard to remember to take those things in. Yes. Cause it's just like, I don't have PR, you know, there's people who pay for PR, pay for people to- Puerto Rican people to help you get in the- What is it stand for?

Press. Why don't I know what it stands for? Public relations. Thank you, dear Lord. Anyway, yeah, like to get you those interviews, to push your work and stuff. And so I'm, yes. It doesn't get any better, I don't think.

Where else would you wanna be but the New York Times? I agree, I was honored. I found out I was in Buenos Aires, Argentina, playing in the Pan Am Continental Club with the US Women's Masters field hockey team. And Heather Ann Campbell, who I worked with on season eight of Rick and Morty, texted it to me. And that's how I found out when a comedy friend

texts you like, look. And it just made me feel really good. I was like, this is incredible. Were you interviewed for it? No. They just wrote it about you. Yeah, and it was like, well, so when the special came out not long after, they did a piece on it. Yeah.

And it was beautiful, it made me cry. Yeah. It was just like a beautiful interpretation of my work and I was blown away. And then end of the year list, it was Gaffigan, me and Marin and I was happy to be there. Yeah. Well, you earned it. Thank you. Yeah, you earned it. Thank you.

Yeah, you're doing great standup. Thank you, Greg, that's very sweet. It's so funny how I can really not feel like that. It's just like the win and then you have to rebuild and you're like, I'm nothing, or what our industry is. I have a new hour ready to go, but nobody wants it. Yeah, I know, it's crazy. I can't really do anything about that.

And you have like your tea, like I took notes during the call of them telling me that nobody wants a special and they're genuinely hilarious. Oh, yeah, please. Let's hear them. No, you gotta just, you know what? I don't wanna make this too industry heavy, the whole talk.

No, but I'll just say this. I'm putting a special out on August 10th on YouTube. Okay. And I didn't even show it to Netflix or anybody else because YouTube is gonna get you the most eyeballs, it's gonna get you the most people coming out to the club. Not everybody, Netflix is so crowded with specials now. It is, yeah.

And plus in the contract for even mine, it says specifically they won't promote it. Exactly. Yeah, so you're not like, the fact that I even got into the top 10 of that was miraculous. Right, right. This is very funny.

This is the headline. Unfortunately, no one wants to make my special, not Netflix, not Amazon, not HBO, not Hulu. And then it gives, the feedback is, everyone watched, loves you, loves the material. Yeah, isn't that great? Isn't that amazing? the main feedback I got was next round of offers is going to be comedians who do huge numbers via social

media and then as I took the note I wrote tip-talk. That's how in touch you are with the social media world. Instagram in your tube. My space. My space. Yeah, it's basically like, we even saw it live. It's really high quality and felt that way since we saw it. Great material. Yeah. Not going to make an offer.

No, it's all about having a million people follow. And you see some of these specials, they're awful. But it's some- Yeah, I'm wondering what the point is. I guess people wanna go press play on it? I think there's a lot of checking boxes. I think there's a lot of diversity, which is great. But that's gonna cut into, you know,

cut into your chances a little bit. I was gonna say, I will say, when I think of top, you know, when it comes to the top, it is pretty much all the old white dudes. Yeah. Like, you know, you got Burr, Kreischer, Sigurra, Gaffigan, Marin, our favorite. Yeah.

I'm just sort of like, Yeah. So yeah, I don't know. It's one of those things where I'm not, there's no comment on that. I'm just saying like, everybody's fine. Yeah. They're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah's one of those things where I'm not, there's no comment on that, I'm just saying like everybody's fine. They're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're fine.

No, you're right. Yeah, those are like, you know, naming the big dogs. Yeah, I wish my name was one of those big dogs. I'm fine. I'm telling you, yours is. Yeah. I told you, for me it's Greg, Fitzsimmons, Larry Sanders, and whoever else. Hey now! So let's talk about the improv on Friday night.

Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you. Okay, we had texted a little because we both had to go from the improv to the comedy store. I think we both have the same spot. I was asking you to switch spots with me and you said you couldn't. And I said, same Z's. I got that 11 p.m. spot too. Where do we start? So we didn't switch. The show was running a little behind.

It worked out fine. Yeah, it worked out fine. I got there, I got to the store just in time. Perfect. Yeah. And I did too. I had a little wiggle room. Neil Brennan was on when I showed up. Sorry, did I move? Okay.

So, I was weak. I was an empanada burp. You know, I have a new joke where I would like to be able to burp for the joke, but I can't. So I have to work on my acting, but you know when you have to work on something, it's really just in that moment. So you're not practicing like seven times a day. It's just like the set of night. But I have to do it. That's how you do it. Take a mouthful of air and then shove it.

Take your tongue like this and flatten your tongue against the roof of your mouth and push the air back into your throat. See, this is the guy who I've seen make himself barf with a spatula. So. That's right. I forgot about that.

We did cook, what's it called? Cooking with Bert or burning? Something's burning. Something's burning with Bert Kreischer and we went on together and we had so much fun. And then at the end, what were we eating? It was like. Taco bell food?

Taco bell that you make at home Mexican pizza. And then I made myself vomit on camera. And I think I made the highlight reel for the year. And that's how you do it folks. That's how you do it. You commit. Anyway, push the air back. Okay.

Oh, okay, you're collecting. Okay. But see, I have to be able to speak, speak, speak and let it rip. Oh, right. Wouldn't it be funny though to stop and do that? Yeah. He said he thinks it's unhealthy

because it makes me burp and I said, bye. Bye. So much fun here. All right, I'll work on it. All right. Okay, so we're at the Improv on Friday. I went up bullet. It was Mike Falzone hosting.

And I thought there were pretty good vibes off jump. Sometimes, I don't know if it's in my head, but certain venues or certain places, I feel like there is more energy that's like this. I like the Improv for the most part. I don't get if it's in my head, but certain venues or certain places, I feel like there is more energy that's like this. I like the improv for the most part. I don't get that as much. So I felt some good energy for the most part. What happened for me is, and this is the trouble,

with kind of what we were saying, I still maybe, would you call it old school? Like I've prepared a set. Yes. And in the old days, alt rooms used to be like, don't give us that, we want you to talk about the chandelier that's hanging above us and the dog door. Yeah.

You know, or whatever. The club has a dog door? I pulled that out of my butt. This is why I prepare. And so alt shows, you could be more in the moment or you needed to be like more relaxed and you know, if you're at UCB or whatever. And then clubs, you show up with your set

and you give them joke, joke, joke, joke. But I feel like, you know, it's spreading through our industry that people are sort of like, I'm gonna give you a suggestion. And it's like, oh, this is an improv. They were drunk, they were yelling out. And you just kinda, I loved your attitude.

You just kinda like, what is it, feng shui, or what is it with martial arts? You just kinda took it and you redirected the energy and you've kinda flowed with it, and you were actually walking around the stage dealing with the different little fires, because it wasn't just one person. Here, these were pretty well behaved.

Yeah. These two, this group. Some of the times this group's faces at me were like. Yeah. And then that woman was hammered from North Dakota. She was the problem. Yeah. Major. She almost got kicked out. Yeah. That's the classic.

They might as well have said, I sold my house to be here. I flew across the country. She's my favorite comedian. It was like that dramatic. It's like, interesting. Well, you're hammered and yelling at me. And then these, they're pretty well behaved.

I can like picture people's faces. Are you like that? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I can picture everybody. These little cuties in the front, those cousins, they look like brothers. Yep, they were like yelling suggestions. I actually ended up having fun.

I will say that was one of my more favorite, that was one of my favorite sets of the night. I did four sets that night. You did? I know, it's very unlike me actually. Where else were you? So the reason I got four in is because the first show was called Red Show, Blue Show,

and you do two shows in the same venue, and the comics vote on which room they liked better. Oh. It's pretty fun. Okay. Yeah. Tommy Brandon ran it, and now it's Danny and Brett. Anyway, so that was on the West side.

Yeah. At those two sets, and then I had the improv with you, and then the original room at the comic store, which didn't feel good. No? No. I mean, I'm not like super comfortable there. It gives me sort of sometimes seller vibes. Like I have this like weird pressure

that I'm putting on myself. Yeah. And it's like I've been doing this for- Cause there's comics all watching? No, it's because I feel like they hate me. Like the crowd hates me. Really? Yeah, I know it's a mix of preconceived notions and reality.

Do you feel like there is becoming a schism in the LA comedy scene where you have like Yeah, I know it's a mix of preconceived notions and reality. Do you feel like there is becoming a schism in the LA comedy scene where you have like Largo and you have the store and that they have different sensibilities? Do you feel that way? Sometimes like if I do Largo, sometimes I feel a little bit like I judge, I think it's what you're saying. I judge myself. It's not them.

But I go up and the lineups can be very esoteric. They can be interesting comics and the crowd is very in sync with them and they're very supportive of them. And then sometimes I go up and I just feel like I'm the kind of ironically hostile, misogynistic guy. And it's not a fit. I used to kill there. kind of like ironically hostile, misogynistic guy. And it's not a fit, I used to kill there, that was my home room.

And I kind of fell out of sync with Largo and now I'm more of a store guy. But this is an interesting observation. Like time marches on. Yeah. Like you never think you're gonna be the parent that's like there's rock and roll, it's around the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so it's like, gonna be the parent that's like, there's rock and roll, it's around the kid.

So it's like, okay, is it a mix of you aging or feeling like, and I feel this too, that's why I'm saying we're both gonna continue, hopefully continue to age. But there are ways that you can fall out of sync. And it's not that your refusal to be open to it or adapt, but like you are you, you are your, that's the thing about stand up.

I remember just, this is, I'm taking a tangent here for a second, but I remember somebody commenting even on my special before this, the HBO special called Girl Daddy, somebody, some guy wrote like, sorry, heteronormative or something. And it's like, yeah, for my next hour, I'll pretend to be a lesbian.

Yeah, right, right. What? Right. And now heteronormative, the technical definition would be that I'm promoting heterosexuality. And it's like, if anything, this is a cautionary tale. You know, like, what do you mean? So I'm just like, anyway, you can't please everybody.

But there are certain limitations, I think, to your world view and life experience. There shouldn't be limitations to your ability to see all sides of a subject, to investigate different points of view or angles on the same topic. That should always be part of your job. So yeah, like you can't make yourself

a different type of person. No, but I also think I put it in my head. I feel- I wanna know how much I'm doing that at the store because I'm not kidding, I feel like I never, or rarely to never do well there. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah.

Because your comedy and mine are not that different. You know, in a sense. They're looking at me like. Yeah. It's almost like I have to give my Vegas disclaimer and I might start attempting it. Like I might actually start doing that. I have a Vegas disclaimer.

I'm like, I usually say something like, are you guys here just to like sleep off a crippling loss or just be in a cool dark room to take a little nap? Yeah. That's typically a casino situation. And then I say, and I have to warn you like, I'm not your typical comic that's gonna hit you just be in a cool dark room to take a little nap. That's typically a casino situation. And then I say, and I have to warn you, I'm not your typical comic

that's gonna hit you over the head with punch lines. It's really more of a scavenger hunt, so best of luck to you all. So I think I need to say that to the comedy store. But it's not true, you have punch lines. You have hard punch lines, you're a writer. But that's the thing, why aren't they getting it then? It's almost like, I will say it was 11

and there was a guy for sure at this door after our, he was sitting there like this. Yeah, yeah. But they're in sync with Neil Brennan, on Hanging On Every Word, Neil does a beautiful intro for me, that's like, she's my friend, she's a great writer. Like, meaning, and the reason I bring that up

is because sometimes you need a father male figure and I'm not saying he is mine, I'm just saying the crowd does, to be like, it's okay boys, she's one of us. You know what I mean? And the guys are like, I guess I'll give her a chance. But I feel that vibe, that when I come on stage it's time for the guys to like check their phone

or be like, what's she gonna talk about? Yeah, I think this is in both of our heads. It could be. Absolutely. I mean, I literally, the first club I was working out in LA was Largo, back when it was on Fairfax. And it's my current favorite club. I was there every Monday night for years and then switched locations and I was there all the time.

And then, I don't know, I still go there. I love it. Yeah, I love it too. I feel like I need to check in. I haven't done it in like six months and I feel like I need to go in there with a different set. That's how I am. That's how I just did this for the first time in probably six months when we were there. Because I feel just more like the improv is a comedy club. That's why it was a little strange that they wouldn't let me do my act. They just wanted to either shout things out to me or had to deal with putting out those fires. I still got some jokes off.

But you know what else I left with? I left having, sometimes I have to do this for myself because I am more of the imposter syndrome doubter. I go, you handled that all very well. You improvised great. You can do that. But I never let myself, because I want to show- And you kept your cool.

Thank you. I think most importantly is that you never lost your kind of elegant swagger up there. Thank you. Yeah. But these are the things sometimes I have to, I have to say these things to myself because I do get nervous at like,

oh, I just have to take a suggestion and start riffing. Yeah. I don't know, it's not a crippling fear for me to have to improvise or, like I'm always gonna have to do that. I work comedy clubs. I deal with drunk people all the time. The benefit there is typically it's your crowd

that's there to see you. So you're already feeling like you're on the home team. And if there's somebody heckling, they're the outlier. Everybody's against them, because they're supporting you. As opposed to you go to a club where they don't know you and somebody heckles, they're like, all right, it's on, let's see what happens. Yeah, are they strong enough to deal with it? Yeah, right, right.

It's so strange. But I don't find the store to be heckly. I think that, like you said, somebody can be like nodding out on you. Yeah, I'm definitely not getting like hostility, like be funny, you know what I mean? But it's just, and again, I'm wondering how much, it's interesting, we're having these yin and yang feelings

about the similar places. Yeah, right, right. It's something to keep an eye on. I still try to make myself go to the store. Cause of course. Work that muscle. Yeah, and there are times where, like, you know, there's things that make a difference.

Like if I'm on like Ryan Sickler's show in the main room, I feel, for lack of a better term, as a snowflake, safe. Because Ryan's funny, and he loves me and I love him, so then his crowd probably will like me. So I go out and I'm like, let's have some fun. Whereas if I'm just on a random night there, I'm like... Well, how much of standup is your pregame self-talk? You know, like even with the podcast I have to think about, I have to visualize the

podcast before I do it. Yeah. You know, because everybody's different that I'm gonna talk to and it's gonna be a different rhythm of conversation, a different level of intimacy, different amount of going for laughter. And not that I'm planning it, but I'm sort of like looking down the line. And stand up is the same way. Depending on the venue, you have to calibrate your expectations sometimes. Like if it's Friday night late show in Indianapolis, you know, you're going to put your material to the side and you're going to talk about the chandelier.

That's going to be a lot of the set. And also you're not going to material to the side and you're gonna talk about the chandelier. That's gonna be a lot of the set. And also you're not gonna maybe get the laughs you normally would, and maybe you won't open yourself up to them the way you normally would. I know, that's the interesting part of it all. Yeah. Is that what you just mentioned. I mean, I've had nights where, and again,

I am a sensitive person, and it's like, I work hard to make this for you and then I give it to you like this and then sometimes they either just don't open it or they go, and I go, oh I can't give you another gift. I'm actually gonna do 44 minutes and 59 seconds. Normally I wanna let you know I do an hour but I will be leaving early, you guys.

I can't give any more of myself to you. So I get sensitive like that sometimes, but I think it's changed, thankfully, and it is a mental game, because early days of headlining, when nobody's there to see you, like you have to think back to those days where you're just showing up as the act and they don't know what they're getting,

and it did feel like for me particularly, and you know, it is a reality, there's always been women in comedy, but headlining as a woman, at least during the time I came up, was more rare. And sometimes I would have features that were dudes trying to bury me on purpose. Cause they felt like they should be headlining.

And I'm not denying that, sometimes they did. I mean, but because they were trying to and wanted to show like I should be doing that. And it's like, all those things are valid. All the feelings are valid. I'm trying to work this muscle, I'm trying to get good at headlining, which takes typically a long time.

I mean, the fact that I have multiple hours of comedy I could draw upon is almost unfathomable, thinking back to that time. When you really had your, back when you were doing 45, and like, if you weren't getting laughs you started rushing and all of a sudden you're like I'm out fuck I can't get it to 45 and then you start that's a nice shirt sir yeah how'd you guys meet and you're like oh god I'm stretching yeah and you save your closer and on a bad night you do the rookie move of pulling out

your closer early just to get them back again. And now it's the end of your set and you don't even know what you're going out on. Well, this is it. Oh, that's rough. That's rough. But it felt like suiting up for battle more than anything. So you have that sort of like me versus them. We really should be like, we're here to have fun, right?

And I'm here to give you the gift of laughter. Let's enjoy it together. Yeah, it's hard because as a headliner, you are driving the last part of the show. You are a fucking, you are a fearless leader, and at the same time, you have to be taking them in, and you have to be moving with them, but you can't let them, like there's certain comics

like Andy Kindler, who I love, but can get lost in taking them in, and taking in his own brain, and by the end of the set, who I love, but can get lost in taking them in and taking in his own brain. And by the end of the set, sometimes he's, he hasn't found his way back yet. And there's no comic I'd rather watch. I love Andy Kindler and he's the first to admit this, but like, do you also wanna be, not to mention a name,

but like some hack that just like bullies you through his loud set? I know. You gotta be somewhere in the middle. I know, you do. I was like, that made me think of something too, which is, it also depends on when somebody's coming to see you and how you as a comic handle rebuilding

or preparing for whatever you might be going towards. So if you are humming along, ready to record or whatever, it's in its tip-top shape, you can go out and autopilot it and people are gonna have a blast. Even if it doesn't go maybe as well as you thought, you're like, eh, it was still a good show. If you're rebuilding, you have to walk the line between play some hits, so you give them a show, and work new material.

Early days, I would just go, that hour's done, I gotta do all new, and people would come to see me being like. And it was when I was dating Sam that he was like, people have paid to see you, you gotta play some of the hits. And that's the first time I,

but how would I learn that? There's no comedy school, there's no, like you pick up things along the way. I remember Nate Bargatze too said like, oh, I tell the crowd, he's like that, I'm gonna do as much new as I can and then play the hits. So he like lets them in on it. Oh, I find that.

But like how would you learn these things if you don't talk to your. Right, I mean there's some people that are like, oh I would never do new stuff on the road and you see guys like Jesselnik. Jesselnik has this schedule. You can see it in my body. Where he does.

This is good. You see if they what? I just was making sure I was wondering how much of my... never mind everything's fine. So what were you saying about Dessaline? So he will do he'll work on an hour in town and not go on the road for a year and he nails it down. Mm-hmm. And then he goes on the road for a year and he does theaters and he gets the hour right and then he records it and then he goes back the road for a year, and he does theaters, and he gets the hour right, and then he records it, and then he goes back to the clubs in LA and works it out again.

And he doesn't change, once he's on the road, it's, you know, his act is airtight. I mean, it's beat for beat. And so, for me, it's just the opposite. If I go on the road, I'm gonna do 15 minutes of strong, newish stuff, but stuff that I've been really working on in LA. And then I can do 15 minutes of kind of new stuff

once I've got you. Because I feel like I'm good at that. I feel like it brings out my juices, and it's almost the best part of the show. And when I pull out a piece of paper, the crowd go, should we try some new stuff? Yeah, it's always yeah, they love it. And then I close out with some hits.

Yeah, I like that too. Yeah. Also it's just like, it is a math problem in a way, or I don't even know a puzzle. You know, where does this go, and that old joke I wrote this might actually go perfectly there, and how am I segueing into this. I just flipped my closer to my opener a couple weeks ago.

Smart. And that's been great. Yeah that's always a good move. Especially before you do a special because you don't want that closer to feel stale. If you've been landing hard on it night after night, it starts to lose life. What's your favorite club to work on the road? I mean probably Denver Comedy Works. Yeah, I was just there. It's the best. Yeah. That's not the best. I always say it's my second favorite club because I say, well, I always say for whatever club I'm talking about, if I love it, I say it's my second favorite because then if another club goes, hey, I thought we were your favorite, I go, yeah, I said second favorite.

But Philly Helium, Denver Comedy Works, San Francisco Punchline. Yep. Punch was next. And I'm not talking about LA or New York clubs because that's a whole different sport. But in terms of road gigs. Oh, the store in La Jolla is really good. Have you ever worked down there?

No, they've asked me, but again, I get scared. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's a great club. OK. Yeah. Yeah. I could try it. Yeah. Try it out. Um, I'm trying to think of other spots I like. You do ACME? Yeah, I was just there. People love ACME. That was great. Yeah. Yeah. Um.

Oh, Chicago, I was playing the Den. The Den Theater in Chicago's amazing. Yeah, that's great. My friend Ryan is the owner. Oh yeah, Ryan's great, he gave me a pen. He gives everybody a fountain pen. Yeah, I actually started using it and then it went all over my finger.

Oh, it did? Yeah. He gave me the pen and then it went all over my finger. Oh it did? Yeah. He gave me the pen and this is in my old office that you came to my old office, right, for the podcast? Yes. Yeah. And so I'm not going to say the comedian but it's a very famous comedian. I'll tell you off the air who it was.

Big SirenEye Live alum. And he comes in and we do the podcast and he had written a book and I said, will SirenEye Live alum, and he comes in, and we do the podcast, and he had written a book, and I said, will you sign your book? I had read it, and he signed it, and then, and then he took the pen, like he took this, it's like a hundred dollar pen, and so I texted him later, and I said, hey, thanks a lot for coming on, great to see you. Just to sort of put it out, give him a chance to go, oh, I think I have your pen. Never said anything,

this guy's worth millions and millions of dollars. And I really like that pen. Oh my gosh. If I had known, I would have brought you mine. Really? Well, because I'll give you mine. Because of the ink all over my hand. Yeah, I want your broken pen.

But I don't think it's broken. I feel like the reason I will give it to you is because I feel like you'll figure it out. Are you writing too hard? I don't know. Are you trying really hard when you write? Be funnier. You dumb little. Nobody wants your Netflix special.

Not Netflix, not HBO, not Hulu. I mean, I was genuinely laughing writing those notes. And then after the call was over, they're just like, well, and I was like, do you have anything to say? What would I say right now? Right. And then of course the pitch was, what if we film it again yourself

and chop it up on socials? Yeah. And I said, what if I get pregnant, have the baby, and then you chop it up? Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a relic, but, or I don't know, I'm just sort of like, I made something that's meant to be like, I'm not saying sit down, look at it, pay attention very closely, or else you'll miss this beautiful comedy, but I'm like,

I made an hour that you just sit down and enjoy. Not like. It's not like they can't look at your past specials and go, not only are they solid, you get reviews. You get lots of reviews, and that's kinda, if I'm a streamer, I'm not just looking at people's social media accounts, I'm looking at whether or not it crosses over and that draws people to my streamer. Well that's what they want but I guess it doesn't really matter to them. I don't know. I think they just really need the views on the tip top. All right,

let's talk about... Tip talk. I wanna talk about field hockey. Okay. You were a college player. Well, I actually played just club in college. Oh, you played club in college? I didn't even play on a team. Okay. I actually spent a lot of my time eating bagels in college. Oh, you had your bagel phase.

Yeah, and then I played a little club. Did you ever hit 200 pounds, by the way? Because you said you were 198 in your joke. I know, and part of played a little of club, a little club. Did you ever hit 200 pounds by the way? Cause you said you were 198 in your joke. I know, part of me goes, did I? I really think it was like 198, 199. I don't think I ever hit 200. You didn't get over the edge. Yeah.

I should have taken a deep breath or a vitamin eclair. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Can you make yourself burp right now? Burp. There it is. I can't wait to see you do that live. I just need to be able to say the word bye. Yeah.

But it's like, bye. Yeah. I need it to be powerful. Yeah, you're not riding on the burp enough. Bye. Yeah. But right now it's just going low. Bye.

Bye. And there's always it's a small risk of vomiting when you do that. And you would know. Or at least getting a little acid in the back of your throat. This is what I'm saying. So I'm like maybe there's got to be a YouTube video of like how to speak and burp. Yeah. And then I have to watch it. So are you playing in the Olympics? Does the Olympics have field hockey? Yeah. Are you gonna try out for the team? Does the Olympics have field hockey? Yeah. Are you going to try out for the team? I would never make that team. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. I'm not bad at field hockey, but I'm not like there's a US Women's National Team and it's like incredibly fit 19 year olds. Yeah. I am on the US Women's Masters team. Oh, okay. Which is women who, you have to be minimum the age of 35.

Okay. So we are the experience. Yes, the worldly team. Yeah, the worldly team. So yeah, I tried out for the first time last year, made the squad and played in the Pan Am Continental Cup in Argentina and that was a good experience. We got silver to Argentina.

The home. And they're very, very good. Tried out again this year and I made the roster again. And the thing is just yesterday everybody's texting because the truth is again, it is an awesome program. It's been a great experience but we're like, they're also kind of slower and less organized and the World Cup is in Cape Town this year and it's like that's

expensive to get to we need to plan and people in the chat are like hello I'm not gonna be able to come if you don't tell me if I've made this particular squad and if we're practicing together right so that's kind of what's going on right now is a little disorganization. But I feel proud of myself to have like made the roster again. It's amazing. And again, I don't wanna downplay it because it is cool and exciting,

but also I'm not on the women's national team. I'm on the masters team. Now, how do we look for the Olympics? Do you think the US is competitive? We are going to be, yeah, I mean, so the women's field hockey team, so the women's field hockey team, the US women's field hockey team, the youngins, they have their ticket to Paris.

So that's gonna be absolutely incredible. They're amazing players. It's such a fun game to watch. And it's really changed a lot, at least from my eyes, because I'm like a witch. I started with a wooden stick on grass. So it's like to see these women playing with, sticks are composite made out of Kevlar and whatever else.

And they're on AstroTurf. AstroTurf. It's not bouncing around like crazy. Oh my gosh, yeah. It's like, there's like the, it's so, the game is so fast. There's way more, there's aerial moves happening. So it's like curling. The speed is incredible. Like Irish, yeah.

I mean, that's not something, obviously I learned as a kid, but I learned the basics from my coach, Lyssa Fickert in Ohio. And I will say our coach for the Pan Am Cup was Steph Fee, who was an Olympian, and played on the national team, and a very decorated, great player.

And it was cool, because she was like, I was insecure coming on the team. I'm the only one that didn't play in college. And I just played in high school, and then I played club out here. And she said, well, it's a testament to your high school coach that she taught you the basics. Wow, that's great.

Yeah, there's still stuff I gotta learn. There's still plenty of things. Let me ask you this, because I played ice hockey my whole life. We have gloves on so that when you get slashed with a stick, you don't break your fingers. You guys don't wear gloves. I just started wearing gloves in the last couple years

because of so many damaging, like you can see that finger. That must kill. Oh, it's incredibly painful. I mean, this bump is just coming down. That was in January. I mean, it was a, I mean, I'm rushing, because there's penalty corners, and as a defender,

I'm rushing out, and we wear a white, like I wear a metal mask for penalty corners, but I'm like rushing out, and a girl goes to take, it's like a reverse tomahawk hit like that, and it crashes into my hand right here. It was, I think it was a player from the Mexican national team actually. Anyway, one of my teammates who does speak Spanish

like kind of like chewed her out a little bit for me. Yeah, yeah. For the reverse tomahawk. Yeah, it was just, you can see it's like, it was a full blown bump right there. So I now, I was wearing gloves then I will say, I just don't know if I was wearing my thicker one. So now I wear thick gloves on both.

Cause it's just not worth it. And what about this bruise? The little turf burn. This is just, that's there now. That's diving, that's diving for a ball. This was me tired. This was Cal Cup this year, which was a couple, like a month ago or something.

This is me getting tired, taking it up the right, going to hit it up the sideline, not falling but like fall sliding as I hit and then scraping it on the turf. And it had just healed from tryouts and then I redid it. So that's just what is probably going to be a mark. That's cool though, I like that. Yeah, other than that,

yeah, me getting kind of like torn up as a defender makes sense. I've only started playing out here in the last six, seven years or something like that. Have you ever seen women get into a fist fight in a field hockey field? Closest is my friend Masham, who did kind of lay into that woman for me a little bit.

She's a forward and like, it's interesting, right? Like, you know when you like, sometimes it's difficult to see the perspective. I'm taking a quick tangent. When I had to kiss Jennifer Grey, it was the summer we were working on Crashing. And I went and guest starred over on Red Oaks. And I played a comedian, like Paula Poundstone-esque

lesbian that has a little tryst with Jennifer Grey, baby. Nice. So I got to kiss her. From Dirty Dancing? Yeah, her lips are very soft. And the reason I bring this up is because, and this is like, I'm a smart person, and there are times where you are dumb.

I'm going to kiss her, and in my head I go, well doesn't the guy go to the left? Everybody goes to the right. You're just looking at the guy kiss you to the, yeah I'm just like. But like that made me feel so stupid. It turned out fine. But to that point, Masham, who is a forward on my team,

she's always getting, it's not her fault, but there's like, she gets chippy, the defender's like push on her a little bit, and she's trying to score and get in there, and she's scrappy. I'm a defender, but I'm not like that. So it's like, I'm like not understanding what's going on, because I would never do that to somebody.

Like I don't just randomly push people or talk, I don't talk shit if there's not shit to be had. If you do something to me, I will absolutely, it's on. You've opened the floodgates, especially when we play men. I'm like. Oh, you play men? Yeah. Wow.

So when that happens. Have you been in a fist fight in your life? I don't think so. I remember closest would have been in college. Yeah, definitely not been like punched. So I'm sort of like, I'm trying to remember in college if I got into anything with another chick at a bar or something, but the closest I've been lately

was freaking the Magic Castle. On stage? No, I was just there as an attendee. My mom was in town and there was a woman screaming hammered behind me. I thought about physical violence. Really? She was blowing my hair forward yelling, like,

wah! I mean, not really, but you know. What was she yelling? She was hammered. Every time the magician did something, she was like, it's a dove! Oh, God. It was maddening.

Yeah. And I thought about physical violence. You know what's maddening? It's like, you're not 17. You haven't figured out how to drink yet. Beyond me. Yeah. I even wrote to them because I was like,

you should have a secure, I know it's such a like, complaining is so whatever, Karen-y, but I was like, you guys should have somebody in there like when someone's acting like that to pull them out. Cause there was nobody around being like, hey, could you be quiet? Right, right.

Her friends, I hope, haven't spoken to her since. Hopefully she's dead. I was on stage at the improv one night and there was a bunch of women sitting in the front row and it was a Bachelorette party. And the Bachelorette had her sash on and she was sitting next to three friends and then her mother was on the other end.

And the mother kept yelling out during the show. Sorry, is this here or when you're on the road? No, on the Improv in Hollywood. Got it. And so they're loud, they're chatty, but they're fine. But the mother is relentless, yelling something after every joke, trying to make it about their party, the whole thing.

And I'm shitting on her and I'm shitting on her. And then finally she stands up and she starts yelling like she's coming to the stage and I was like, and security came over and I was like, and then the bride goes, mom, shut the fuck up and then the security dragged her outside, dragged her out, and the party stayed. And so I finished my set, and I hang out for like 15, 20 minutes, and then I walk out front, in front of the club, the woman is standing there waiting for me,

and she comes at me, swinging. And luckily there was security there, and they grabbed her, and she was saying, you, because then once she was getting thrown out, I kind of threw some gas on the fire. Yeah, I really humiliated her. And so then she came after me. And then I was walking down Melrose back to my car

and she was screaming. I mean, all the comics were outside watching. And all I could think was, all right, I can't fight this woman. I'm not gonna, I can't argue with her because she won't let up. She's like a junkyard dog. And so I just took it.

I walked down Melrose with this woman cursing me out to my back with all the comics watching. And did you feel, when you say that, were you wanting, was it like, or were you a little, were you feeling anything? Feeling what? I don't know, upset? I felt humiliation.

You did? Yeah. That's my interest, that's not exactly what I was expecting you to say. Yeah. So you did feel a little humiliation. Because as a man, when somebody challenges me like that, I go at it.

I've had a lot of fights in my life. Yeah. And so I felt, matter of fact, two days ago, I drove to the grocery store, and I was pulling out of my spot, and I kind of went all the way around so I could, matter of fact, two days ago, I drove to the grocery store and I was pulling out of my spot and I kind of went all the way around so I could go straight out again. And there was a guy walking.

I saw him the whole way. I did not come near him. And he gave me the arm throw in my rear of the mirror. Those are the types of things I will replay the whole ride home. Yes, throws the arms. And so I put on my brakes and he throws the arms again. He's not a big guy. I could take this guy. And I just went, you know what? You're fucking in the middle of

making a stew for your family that's waiting at home. You just went out to get a celery stalk, put the car in drive and go home. You're 58 years old. Good for you. But it burned me up. Yeah. You said the whole ride home, I was thinking about it. Sometimes it depends on, like, you're in a good place, a lot of things, but, so I don't mean like it depends on where you're at, like if things were bad, but like it depends a little on your, whatever,

chemistry for the day. Because sometimes that can get me. Well that's why you can't fuck with people, right? Sometimes that can get me where I'm like, I'm replaying it and I wanna say something, and even somebody like doing a little honk the other day, part of me thought, wouldn't it be so funny if I go, get out of the car,

and I start going like this, and I go, just kidding. I thought about doing it like two days ago. Opening the door and charging it, I'm just playing. I have a stick in my trunk. I have like three sticks. Yeah, I also have a stick yeah my trunk. I like three you know, yeah, I also have a knife I have BB gun under my mattress a pistol You're sleeping mattress. Yeah, but that's just for you and

It's for me and the wife honey, you want to play I'm gonna play Western. I'm the cowboy you shoot at her feet. Oh I'm the cowboy. You shoot at her feet. Oh. My dad has a, or always had a machete in the side of the car. So when he'd leave us in the car, he'd be like, I'll be right back girls. And remember the machete is right here. No. Oh, that's great.

In Florida. Yeah. Is he still in Florida? Yeah. Orlando. What's he doing for work these days? He's had some weird jobs in his life. Yes, he's still, honestly,

he goes out with a poster for my special on the corner. He does. Yeah. And he has a goal of every day, he's made business cards of me. And then my record label, Blonde Medicine, sent him a pack of 500 QR codes of my album, and he's been passing out one a day. It's like his goal for the day.

But yeah, he still dresses up. He does like, he's a sign spinner technically, but it's like he's much more than that in the sense that. Does he dress as a clown? No, he does like all original characters that have interesting names that he's devised. And he'll get on a stepladder or whatever signs.

So some of the business he's still doing that for, but he'll like sign spin it technically, but there's like not spinning, he's just out there like yelling it up on the ladder. But that's the main gig. In Florida in the summer? Yeah. Jesus.

I know, he just drips sweat. And he's in a heavy costume sometimes. Sometimes heavy costumes, the funny thing is he would always sanitize, there's a link which is why I'm already laughing. But he would always sanitize all of his outfits that are just drenched with a spray bottle of vodka. And his wife was also an alcoholic. So I don't know if it was like his little way of making a dent in like her problem while fixing his own. Oh my god. Like Vampire. Like Chaka or Pop-off. Yeah. Oh my God. Like vampire. Like chocka or pop-off.

Yeah. Oh my God. Is she still with us? Yeah. Still drinking? I've been told she stopped. Oh, good for her. Yeah.

Okay. How's your drinking? Thankfully never been a problem. Yeah. Yeah, I'm more, I lean tea totaler more than anything. Not a weed smoker? No. Good for you. I do love the occasional cigarette.

Yeah. Now you have a certain clarity that comes with that. You seem like somebody who's like very present, kind of like honor your imagination. Yeah. You're an imaginative, silly, free person. Thank you. Like I used to love when we were in the writers room and you would just stand up and do a kick. You could kick your foot all the way up to your head. That would make me happy for

the rest of the day. Like you would score a joke in the script and you'd stand up and do a kick. I gotta bring that back. Yeah, bring it back. Have you done it on a special? The kick? Yeah. Do the burp Have you done it on a special? The kick? Yeah, do it on a special. Do the burp and the kick in the same special. I'll burp then kick. That'll get you some attention on Netflix. Yeah, good idea. Maybe that'll get me the views I need on Tip Talk.

Tip Talk. All right, listen, let's get to a thing that we like to call fast dogs with fits. I love it. Are you ready? with fits. I love it. Are you ready? Oh is it unfair that some people are born good-looking and also likable. Some people just have a natural energy. Think of Maz Gibranee. Yeah. Like somebody like that who just can walk into a room and everyone smiles and everybody wants to know. And then you got other people that

have depression and have social anxiety. Is it fair that in life some people are born A good-looking, B socially just A-plus? Is it fair? No. I mean, you have, it would be nice if the powers that be said, look, we're gonna make you a little ugly, but when you walk into a room, you light it up. Yeah. With your ugly light. Yeah.

But I don't know, wouldn't you argue too that those magnetic people, the anxiety people need something to stick to? Stick to? Yeah, like if they're the light that is like magnetic, then the little anxiety people get to be near them and be like a little lamprey sort of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cause like- And they're protected. Yeah. And they can live in that orbit. And some people do prefer not to be. The center of attention or. They're watchers. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, being an observer is it, because sometimes when you talk to the observer, you learn shit and you're shocked by what they have. What they've been ruminating on. Not just gossip. Yeah, yeah. Just general observations that they might have.

Right. And two, think about it like just sometimes as a comic you are used to being the talker, the person who's being looked to for the information or the take or whatever. So it is interesting to. And I think as far as looks go, if you're too good looking, then it's almost like being too rich and you don't trust people's ulterior motives to be with you. If you're just like, you and I are good looking, I'm a little bit better looking,

but we're both not hard on the eyes. I'll agree. Okay? You win. You get to that a little bit. So we have that advantage, but we're not stunning. Mm-mm. There's something a little off. Ha!

But that's what someone loves about you. Yeah, we rolled off the pile. Yeah. And then somebody did put us back at the top and put that little bruise towards the back. Yeah, you had the little mark on your cheek. Yeah, the little mark on the cheek. Yeah, but you could put makeup on that. Little little spot. Little spot, little sunspot there.

I think that makes you earn it a little more. That makes you work a little harder, find a little more, and it makes it so when you approach somebody, like if, you know, who's a single guy that's good looking? Like in our world? Yeah. All right, take Daniel.

See, look at that guy over there. Yeah, Daniel can walk up to a woman, any woman in a bar and really if he's feeling any anxiety, he can, he's gotta get rid of that shit because he can walk up to anybody. He probably doesn't have that anxiety. But if you gotta summon your courage because you really like somebody and you walk up,

that's a win when they talk to you. Yeah, okay, but it doesn't mean he feels that way. I think what the issue actually is is where does that inner confidence come from? Because if Ma's walked around hunched over, like I'm shy and sort of like, I don't know, and unsure, then he wouldn't be as beautiful. So I think there are plenty of bulldogs

that have bright lights and great personalities that attract all kinds of people. We just had Ron Funches in here earlier. Ron Funches, women love Ron Funches. He's adorable. Yeah, yeah. But he's not like John Ham. You know? Yeah, I don't know. I'm not a Jon Hamm attracted to Jon Hamm. Who's your guy? My boyfriend, Adam. Adam. I haven't met Adam. How long has this been going on? You'd love him. We met a year ago tomorrow.

No way. On Thursday. Really? July 4th. How'd you meet? At a July 4th party. Oh, fireworks. He saw fireworks. I know.

Did you make love to him the first night? No. No. No, I just gave him my email. What are you gonna do for the anniversary? I don't know, probably bone. I would imagine. You should open up the shades

and watch the fireworks while you do it. That's a good idea. Yeah. He was thinking, like, maybe we go up to some like I was gonna say where I don't want to give it away because oh wait this won't come out in time I just don't want anybody to see us boning up at the top of this mountain. But and then watch the fireworks from there. Yeah that's good. Yeah that could be fun. What's his story? He had been divorced for about three years when I met him and he has two kids.

Oh, he's spending time with the kids? Really? What does that feel like? It's interesting. I'm actually going through something interesting with it. I want to say going through something. Because you've always been a great aunt. I know you've got...

Yeah, I've got niblings. Yeah. But it's like, I don't know, it's interesting. Like nothing, again, nothing completely dramatic, but it has been a journey. Because you don't know what life is gonna bring you. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, well, these two little ones,

they're not mine and I care for them and I wanna be a fun and safe person. I also don't wanna like force myself into their life. It's been a dance. And I wanna be, yeah, somebody that they can trust and care about and not feel obligation towards. How old are they? One's about to turn 11 tomorrow and the other is eight. Wow! What's your relationship with the ex? We get along

really well. Really? Yeah. I like her. This all sounds lovely. Yeah, we're all going to Six Flags tomorrow for his birthday. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I hang with them. You live with them? No. No. You're not really a move-in person, are you? Nah, I used to. You like this space?

I used to be like, this isn't working. Should we move in together? Uh-huh. And now... I'm like, this is really working quite well. I think we should stay apart. Yeah, Woody and Mia up until that thing happened. They lived across, this is Central Park.

He lived on the upper west side. She lived on the upper east side. And he used to walk to her place every night, hang out, and then walk back to his place and sleep. And then sometimes he'd double back and pick up his stepdaughter. Pick up his stepdaughter, go downtown to Chinatown. No, I feel like also who did it, wasn't there rumors that Tim, why am I blanking? Robbins? Night before Christmas. Tim. Nightmare, I mean. Oh, Burton. Thank you, Tim Burton and Helena Bottom Carter, weren't they

together? Oh, I like that. I could be wrong, but I think they also had separate houses. Okay. That were near each other. My wife's mother lives in the apartment building next door to her longtime companion, like 30 year companion. That's pretty cool, but still together you're saying? Companion? They go to dinner every single night for the last 30 years. They go out to dinner every night. Hey That's expensive He He's got a rent control department and he was a lawyer for the city

So he's got this really great pension. Lovely. And he pays for dinner every single night. Wow. Yeah, what a wonderful life Do they do stuff like? Yeah, they go to the ballet, they go to opera, they go to foreign films. They're true New Yorkers. I meant like sex stuff. No, they don't do any sex stuff. None? I think there was a time where she used to sleep over

on Saturday nights. My wife said when she was younger. Just Saturday nights. Wow. Yeah. Saturday sleepover. Bang, bang, zoom, zoom, fireworks. I love it. I threw a move on the wife last night. How'd it go? It was good. Okay. Yeah, it was good. Good work. It's tough because both kids are home right now. Owen is back from college for a year. Jojo

is living at home and taking classes and she's usually here. I wouldn't be telling this story if she was here, but a lot of times she works. And that kid Owen is my son Owen's friend. So don't tell Owen. Don't tell Owen that his dad and mom bone. Yes, it's how he got here, but that was the only time.

Twice, just twice. Just the two. Yeah, Adam's fixed, so he's shooting blanks. Oh, nice. It does create a beautiful intimacy without anxiety. Do you stand birth control just for your metabolism? You're off it. You don't like birth control.

I haven't been on it in a long time, yeah. Yeah. All the side effects are real. Yeah. It just doesn't seem right. Right. Obviously I have zero judgment for anybody else who's doing it for whatever reasons but yeah I don't want to do it but all right another fastball with Fitz that was a good fastball with Fitz that went all over the place I forgot we were doing it even all right what have you turned down recently oh

which is a tough question at this point in Hollywood because there's very little offers for anything going out. It's true. But it could be anything in your life. It could be somebody offers to buy you a cup of coffee. It could be anything. I turned down a guy trying to sell me his air conditioning unit right before I came.

Oh, your neighbor. Yeah. How much did he want for it? I didn't even get there. Did you need one? Kind of. Why didn't you do it? I don't know if I trust him.

Oh. I'm not saying like anything terribly bad, but it was like, I don't know, I don't want to be wasteful, but I don't really need it. I have one of those R2D2 ones or, Yeah. Yeah, C3PO or something.

Yeah. In my front window that takes care of it, my side window, if it was a window unit, I would have considered it. But it was another one of the 2B ones, it's huge. And I'm like, I just know those are expensive. And where are you gonna put it in the winter? Yeah, I already have one, that's big.

So I just said no, I was like, no thank you. Good story. That's why we do fastballs with fits, they move on, you go right to the next one. Okay, we'll end with this. What is, Beth Stelling, the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh my goodness. Hackiest bit?

Hackiest bit. Let me think of one. There are for sure, that I actually sometimes still do here and there. Good. I always say about the hacky bit, it kills. I know. So you can't really put it away forever.

Sometimes it kills. Sometimes I'm a little like I know I shouldn't have told it. And I wish I could think of that one, but you know why I probably can't? Because there is that tinge of shame and embarrassment. You're like, oh god, I'm embarrassed I told that. That's the one I want. But I'm trying to remember it because I know I actually for sure let it rip recently and I think it was like at a hip-er club

and they're like, oh. Oh, I think, okay, this is kind of hacky. Okay. I could give you two, one I really love actually and I just put back in. I'll start with the recent one that's like sort of a soft pitch, which is I tell a story about how my ex gave me

a hard time about, I say about what I ate. Okay. And I say, well, we had a bit of a cinnamon roll incident. If you're not familiar with it, I'll glaze over it for you. Okay. So there's that. Yeah. Is that the joke where he tells you that you don't need it? He's like, I love you, but I don't think you need that cinnamon roll. So that's it. That's an old bit. Um, and then this one is, I have a bit where I'm like, who's coming with me if I go back and start this religion in Utah?

I go, who's coming with me? And then the way I get into it is I'm like, does that make everybody think of Jerry Maguire? Or am I aging myself, you know? And they're like, no one reminds me of Jerry Maguire. And I said, I need to write a new female Jerry Maguire where the most quoted line is, you deplete me. What's wrong with that?

I don't know, I like it. Maybe it's not hacky. You deplete me. It's a lot of setup. Well, I usually try. That's the thing. Yeah. A lot of real estate to get to that.

I kind of like that. Yeah. Because it's like, to get to there. I kind of like that. Yeah. Because it's me in between a bit. It's basically a couple steps to get me to one other place. Well, you remind me of Sarah Silverman a bit. I know you guys are close, but that's kind of Sarah's thing too, is have some fun along the way to the punchline.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, I've been having a lot of fun along the way interviewing you. It's great to have you back. I think this is your third time on the show? Yeah, second or third. I'll come back for it. Well the first one we did in the writers' room at Crashing.

So this is probably, yeah, yeah. And then I think you came to my office one time. You're right, this is the third. Yeah, this is the third time. Third time's the charm. It is the charm. And we have tour dates coming up for you. You're very busy this summer. You're going to be at Largo on July 25th.

I may come down and watch you. August 16th and 17th, Bloomington, Indiana. August 23rd in Tulsa. August 30th in Richmond, Texas. The 31st in Houston, Texas. Oh, that's going to be a hot little run. San Francisco, September 4th through the 7th at the Punchline, your second favorite club in the country.

Kansas City, September 14. Then you'll be in Brooklyn, Boston, and Omaha. Santa Cruz, Dayton, Nashville, Fort Collins. Go to BethStelling2Ls.com. Get some tickets and check out her. She's got some great videos on there. She's got, you can sign up on your email list. Yep, that would be lovely.

Thank you. That was so kind of you to say all of that. Yeah, of course. Thank you. All right, thanks for being here. I love you. I love you. you