Fitzdog Radio - Beth Stelling | Fitzdog Radio Podcast | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Comedian Beth Stelling returns to Fitzdog Radio. Greg and Beth talk about writing on Crashing, growing up in Dayton, Ohio, family drama, social media trolls, abortion jokes, comedy careers, ticket sales, and why getting older changes everything. Plus stories about Beth's eccentric father, special-needs softball games, and the realities of life on the road as a stand-up comic. Follow Beth:@bethstelling Tour dates and specials:https://bethstelling.com/ This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. I'm your host, John Denver. That's what it looks like. Do you see behind me? Do you think this is like some kind of an AI generated green screen background? No, I'm in the middle of Vermont right now at my dear friends, the Dunski's house. And this is off their porch. This is what it looks like. Let me give you the full panoramic view. That's their little barn. And this is the off in the distance. They're in the middle of the woods. And I love it. This is my third summer that I've come up here. And it's fucking parr, except for the deer ticks. Deer ticks are fucking kind of on your mind all the time here. We're about to do some farming.

We're going to plant corn. Apparently, you make a mound of dirt. You put the corn in it. And then you put a bean, some kind of bean stuff. and then there's another vegetable and then tobacco. It's a Native American technique for growing corn. So we're going to do some of that. And we're going to do some weeding.

And then there's some cow. You can't see the cows, but they're right there. I don't know if we got to milk them or whatever it takes. I'm here. I'm Johnny Country this week. I'm going to be here all week. I was just in Boston. But it was just up here.

The other thing you can't see is there's a pond. They dredged a pond. And it has water from the hill running down through the pond. So it's ice cold. But they built a deck on it with the sauna. And the sauna has a big, it's all glass looking out over the pond and the mountains. So you sit in the sauna, you get super hot. You do a cold plunge into the pond, which is about 40 degrees.

And then you get out and you sit in the sauna. sit in the Adirondack chairs and dry off. And then you just, you have to do three cycles. That's what you do. So that's coming up. But it's great. Dunskys are very close friends for many years. We raised our kids together in Venice.

And they have this house now. They come up to like six months of the year. And it's fucking happiness. We hunt for mushrooms. We go foraging and their woods for mushrooms and then fry them up with some pasta. for dinner. And yeah, so I was in Boston this past weekend and working at Laugh Boston. One of my, oh my God, what a great club.

The best. I mean, I started in Boston, so I think I feel really comfortable here. But just wise-ass crowds where you fuck around with them and they come right back at you. It's very interactive. We have a couple in the front row that look familiar. And it turns out, their first date was when they came to see me do stand up six years ago. And then I guess they're big fans of the show. And then she, he wrote me and asked me to do a cameo or they ordered a cameo of me proposing to her.

A wedding, a marriage proposal, which apparently she accepted. and then they came to my show the other night. And it was their anniversary, and it was the first place that they went on a date. And that was kind of touching and beautiful. And we took some photos. And the club owner gave him free passes for life or something. He was very sweet.

He took care of them. I had my godson's family was at the show. They drove up from Connecticut, stayed in a hotel, partied with them, played some golf with the club owner, Johnny Tobin. and his buddies. And we played it, of course, in Hyde Park. And it was just, it's this golf league and it's all, it's all felons.

All the guys are like the roughest bunch of fucking Boston knuckleheads. Just the thick accents and the attitudes, everybody's funny. And just a lot of, lot of dirty jokes. Great time. And then we went to this dive restaurant in Hyde Park, which is kind of, of a tough neighborhood. And we go into this. It's a restaurant's been there for 70 years, wood paneling and the tiles and the booths.

And it just looks like an old Italian kind of place. And with the wise-ass waitress and had a great meal. And then I made the mistake at the end of the meal of going, do you have any cappuccino? And she walked away from me and said, no. and four different tables in the area all laughed at me out loud. That's the kind of place it was. So, all right, I'm going to get to it because what else are we going to do? Rochester, New Hampshire is coming up this weekend.

I'm going to drive right over to New Hampshire to the Opera House, June 5th, and I'll be in a gunkwit at Jonathan's on June 6. Look at that. I just pulled a fucking bug off from me. Then we're going to be at the Huntington Beach Mamba on July 12th, St. Pete's Florida at the Comedy Festival, August 14th and 15th, Cincinnati in Columbus, Ohio. Tickets at Fitzdog.com come out and say hi. Also, don't forget, you know, you hit that age where you get like, what am I doing with my money? Why is my money leaking in 8,000 different

directions? You've got subscriptions. You forgot that you ordered. And the older you get, the more they are and they hide them. There's ways that they bury them. And so, what you need to do right now is get get rocket money rocket money gets in there uh they track they show they track your subscriptions and let you know where your money's really going uh and they can cancel them right in the app you don't have to then go that's the hard part is trying to get on you know hulu or whatever they do it for you it's a piece of cake um they also help you track uh track your spending in general um it's it's they can't categorize where you're spending money.

It really just gives you an overall view of how you're spending and then gets rid of these annoying little subscriptions you're not using. So they've already helped save users over $880 million in canceled subscriptions. Be a part of that. Make it $900 million. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps and helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions. monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash Fitzdog. That's RocketMoney.com slash Fitzdog. RocketMoney.com slash Fitzdog. Do it. All right. My guest today is a dear friend. I mean that.

I fucking love her. You've seen her on Kimmel and Showtime. She was on Netflix, on the standups that. Bill Burr produced her special. She had a bunch of specials. And I wrote with her on crashing and she did some episodes of that. And she's wonderful. Please say hello to my friend Beth Stelling.

My guest, and we've already started blabbing because we've blabbed thousands of hours in our lives together. Beth Stelling, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. God, do I think back on the time? time we had together. We went in and we did punch up on crashing in New York. And we spent at least two months, three months. Yeah. At least, I think it was three. Three months in New York working 12-hour days on set doing almost nothing. Like, because the show, it's so crazy because we're there to do punch up, but the show is improvisational. Yeah. So there's very few jokes. I mean, you definitely,

we definitely helped well we thought of and wrote a ton but they never made it to the set we were just they stopped right at video village screen yes so we were sitting in video village just chucking out gold

and it slapped against the monitor and slid down it it hit the back of the director's head and went right down her collar but and then we would finish these 12 hour days and then go home to our Airbnb apartments and look at the script and write jokes for the next day until midnight. Yes.

And it was like, where's the alt? Yep. It's like the ones that you've repeatedly not used. Okay. I guess I'll do it again. But that being said, you and I got to kill 12 hours a day and... Sometimes disappear out to a coffee shop that I found. You would always find one.

But there was the one at our main studio. in Greenpoint and you found the place. And what would I order? Marigano. Wait. Or Cortado? Cortado. And then they would always say, what is that?

And I would have to explain. Double shot, milk steamed to 140 degrees, microphone. If you could do a little tulip, that would be nice. And we had a credit card because it was a Judd Apatow, HBO. If you're ever going to write on a TV show, make it an HBO show. I've written on two HBO shows, and we would just, we just had this platinum. We had this credit card that would crash through the table. It was so heavy.

And we would go to lobster places for lunch. We would go, I mean, nobody ever questioned what we were putting on the card. And I think they're starting to question it. Oh, sure. I think they're pulling back. Oh, now they are. I think they are. Of course.

Yeah, they're kind of like, maybe don't give the card to him anymore. Yeah, right. but that being said like we don't really come from like a ton of money so we weren't going crazy like you know like we're the best people to have your credit card right you know no i come from money you do i grew up very wealthy really oh super wealthy yeah no i didn't think so no but we were comfortable yeah i mean like we weren't destitute but well you had a single mom would have like she would say like i forget if the number was 13 14 or 17 But she would like, I have $17 till Friday.

And I would be like, cool with me, Taco Bell, two Taco Bale two Taco Supreme's. Oh, my God. Or racks, we would eat at racks. Wait, and it was you, you have two sisters? Yeah. And so was there ever a time where you really, did you ever stress out about it at all? Yeah, I mean, like, I think, yes, mostly in the sense that it was like either a back-to-school shopping situation where you felt guilty. It's not like, I don't know, like, anytime you get to the register, it was like,

you know, like that feeling, I could, like, you know, it makes me hyper aware, whatever that would be, codependent, or what's it called when you're like just very perceptive, like. Conscientious? Yeah, just of micro everything from everyone. Right, right. Yeah, so it's like I could see it on my mom's face. Yeah.

And feel it, like, you know, always just clocking everything. Yeah. But you never didn't eat. No. No. I mean, we had a lot of breakfast for dinner. Your dad was down in Florida doing his craziness. Doing his crazy thing. Yeah. He was down there dressing up in different costumes, standing on street corners, yelling for businesses that were paying them to get people inside.

And your mom's buying you Taco Bell back in Dayton, Ohio. Yeah. Which, by the way, I used to be good. I think something's happened to Taco Bell. Well, some's happened to Dayton, Ohio. I was on stage one night, and I did a 10-minute routine making fun of Dayton, Ohio recently. Do you remember this? Yeah, you do. I was on stage. I was in the back of the room. Yeah, yeah. And I, did I introduce you?

Yeah, but you didn't put it together. Yeah, I forgot that you were from dating. I was like, I was like, thanks, Craig. I'm from Dayton, Ohio. And I have to admit, like, it's unfair because the bit is really about defending California from all the haters. Yeah. And so I basically just picked Dayton, Ohio as a place where somebody's yelling. You know, L.A. sucks. I'm like, you're in fucking Dayton, Ohio. And I could, I picked, I threw a dart at the map and picked Dayton. It was nothing, because Chrissy Hind is from there, who is the, the coolest singer in rock and roll history.

Yeah. I fucking love Chrissy Hind. Have you ever met her? No, I don't want to. I don't want to meet my heroes. Me neither. I've never met her. Yeah, we got breeders.

We got guided by voices. Some calls. Breeders? Yeah. I thought they were from, like, New Orleans. No, guided by voices. I think they call us like, I think we're the birthplace of funk somehow. Is that right?

No kidding. Yeah, it sounds right. The Wright brothers? The Wright brothers, of course. Wilbur and Orville. Wilbur? What was up with their fucking parents naming them that? It was up at the times.

Wilbur. Imagine having twins today and naming them Wilbur and Orville. I don't think they were twins. No, I'm just saying what if you did, though? You spend years doing IVF and you have triplets, Wilbur, Orville, and Tom. Yeah. Could have been Redenbacher. Yeah, so that must have been hard growing up poor.

And then when you went to college, did you get a sports scholarship or something? It was academic and like I stayed in Ohio, so that helped down my cost. But yeah, we weren't like, again, it's like we weren't destitute or something very grateful for what we had. But it was like, you know. Did you dress poor? Um, like I would Feel self-conscious that you didn't have nice clothes Like the other dating kids?

Yeah, there were like a little bit There's for sure there are like Also I went to Oakwood Which is known for being like Everybody would always call us either like Jokewood or like rich place or whatever Oh so you were the poor kid in a rich school Yeah again I don't feel like I was so poor

Do you know what I mean? Like we weren't dirty and Yeah Like no it was just where your mother told you had $17 left so you had to get Friday Now you weren't poor You're in total denial about this. We were in poor.

Well, we did have one bathroom. That was tough for four women. And then my mom remarried on my ninth birthday, and we had to introduce her new husband, and he had two kids. That's so many people for one bathroom. No way, seven people on one bathroom? That's crazy.

And they weren't always there because they were sometimes with their mom. Wow. That was pretty nuts. But also that was annoying, because they went to the other neighboring school, and I would sometimes at my job at the time I was working as like a banquet server. Yeah.

And then kids from their school would be like, oh, you're from Oakland? Yeah. And it always, it made me have a chip on my shoulder because it's like, yeah, and I'm working here with you. And you have a cell phone in a car. My mom's picking me up in a van that won't stop bonging. So yeah, I always had a chip on my shoulder about that. Because if I would be like, I'm from Oakland, they're like, oh. I'm like, right.

Whatever. Yeah. So did you go to your, do. Did you not have kids like sleep over at your house? You'd probably go to their house and sleep over. Yeah. Yeah. For the most part.

Right. Yeah. I eventually got a bunk bed that was like a loft. So my little desk was under it. That was really cool. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, because my step sister would sleep in the one under. Like we did the bunk beds this way, which was very novel.

Yeah. And yeah, but there was, I'm sure it helped when my mom remarried to have that other income a little bit. Yeah. And so I got some more things for Christmas. Yeah. I mean, it's a little bit. to me, I've met your mom and she is just such a wonderful person.

She is. Such great energy. And, you know, you got to give her credit that she did that with a good attitude. For real. Yeah. Especially, I mean, like, you know, the darker side of things. Like, my mom survived domestic violence in a very serious way and then had to recover from that.

And she was honored at the school, like, in the Hall of Fame a couple years ago. Really? Yeah. And, of course, I cried. She giving her speech because she's thanking, like, the superintendent at the time, who allowed her to take the time to heal and then had a job for her when she came back. So it was like, that was, you know what I mean?

It broke my heart, but it was like she had a place at that school because of him. So he looked out for her. And then, yeah, getting back to work right away and having us three girls. And then because of the court system, the way things are slash definitely were.

Yeah. We went and visited our dad. You know what I mean? So my mom's having to send us away and have her children away from. or after that? Right. That's crazy.

Right. This is finally the year, the first year, 20, actually that's not true. 2025 was the first year. My sisters also stopped talking to my dad. So I've not talked to him at different times for different things. Yeah. Because he's wilded. He's been wild and.

But I remember you visiting him seven or eight years ago. I think I was playing University of Florida or something. And I told him the show was canceled. Yeah. But it wasn't. Okay. And then I agreed. And then I agreed.

I was supposed to open for Dimitri Martin. But he had to cancel. So then they brought in Alex Moffin' Mikey Day from S&L. Yeah. So it was us three. And it was a fun time, actually. Yeah. And I agreed to get stopped by his house the next day.

And he had puffy painted his car. He's so weird. Puffy painted? Yeah, put puffy paint all over his car. What's puffy paint? Oh, my God. My mom used to do puffy paint with us all the time. You would like, it's a little thing of,

paint with a tiny little needle nose. Yeah. And you flip it over. You could shake it a little, flip it over, and you can do it on a shirt. We would write like Beth really big or whatever you wanted. And you could puffy paint anything, really. Was it puffy? Yeah, when it dried, it was like a little bit of like a bubble letter type thing.

And what did he paint on his car? The whole hood's puffy painted. Just designs? It's almost like a like a piece of shit Jackson Pollock. Yes. Well, that's redundant. But he also, you should point out your dad dressed as a clown. Yes, occasionally.

Yeah. He's usually like, like, again, I haven't talked to him for a while. It's odd when you're dealing with someone who, for sure, was diagnosed with mental illness, bipolar. And then like kind of did the protocols at some point in time, but then didn't like it and then turned to other things. Not drugs or alcohol, actually. He's sober. Right. But just not.

Anyway, it's weird because it's like, well, that could explain a lot. But then when someone doesn't really like take care of that, address it, acknowledge it. Yeah. It is, I don't know if the word is like, it's not that I lack compassion. I have appreciation for some of the fun times I had with my dad. No, I get that. It's very complicated. I have a person with bipolar in my life.

And, you know, every time you get really frustrated and angry and blame them, you do have to come back to that baseline of like they are dealing with something most people are not. Right. And that's hard. And it does give you some compassion. but doesn't mean you don't still lose your patience. Right. And I also think, too, the tougher part of it is like my mom, I think they're both the same age.

Yeah, 75. Yeah. So it's like, I mean, things aren't changing. Right, right, right. You know? So we're at that age where you just got to accept. I no longer try to change my mother in any way. Not that she needs big changing, but like, you know, I used to try to give her tweaks.

I used to try to guide her towards things. And now I'm like, Mom, just do the, do the Sudoku in your lounge. all day. Do whatever you want. Have a couple cocktails at night. Just enjoy. I know my mom's coming to visit in a couple weeks. And she was like, how long should I stay this or that? She's like, I know sometimes I get on your nerves, maybe five days. And it like breaks my heart because I'm like, she's right. But I do want to be. Maria Bamford and her mom have a great term. Her mom's passed away, Maryland. But my mom and I had a podcast where we interviewed both moms. And so they would call it saturation point. And Maria has a song about it. Oh, really? But it's like they

would reach their saturation point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, I think with my mom, it's not bad. My saturation point is pretty long with her. That's good. But it is when I visit her in Florida, there is a lot of dead time. Yeah. You know, because it's just she's not as active. She can't walk around as much as she used to. Yeah. She can't play golf anymore. And so we do the crossword puzzle together. We'll sit at the pool. And then we're driving down the street one day. And it's like the fourth or fifth day. And I mean, we ran out of shit to talk about. And I see a movie theater up on the right.

And, I mean, you could hear the tires squeak as I fucking hung a hard right. You pull out your back, turning left. My neck is cramping up. And I pull in, I don't even know what's playing. I don't give a shit what's going. We walk in, I go, what's playing next? And they said it was a movie called, um, I'm already worried. After the hunt,

probably. Ordinary Angel. Right. Cruising with Al Pacino. And it's called Ordinary Angels. And it's like a movie that I think they made it for Florida. It was like a Hallmark kind of a movie. Oh, okay.

There you go. So we walk in. It's like, you know, 12, 15. And we're sitting next this old woman, this Jewish woman. She says on like all of her jewelry, lots of perfume. Hair is quaffed up. And she's sitting there. and she made some comment about like these previews they play all they do is play previews like

where are you going what's the rush and so they play the movie and it's about this kid she's like I've got botchy in 20 it's like well movies more than that right Harold Harold will be back from golf by then and so the movie is about this little girl who needs a kidney liver transplant I was going to say it's going to be something. How did you know that? Sometimes I laugh out loud watching this stuff with my mom. Oh my God. She's like, stop it.

It was a kidney or a liver. Let's just say it was a kidney. Kidney's a little lighter. They live in this horrible place. It might have been Dayton, Ohio. Hey. And there's nothing going on. And so she's got like this alcoholic mom and there's no kidney for her and she's going to die.

Yeah, the mom's got to be an alcoholic so she can't give her kidney. Oh, hers is a bone. shot yeah they're like fucking burnt it's like a burnt fillet so uh sure enough it's christmas eve and there's the and they they keep broadcasting for three days that the biggest snowstorm to ever hit dayton ohio is coming in right now it's all anybody can talk about so the snowstorm hits phone rings they got the kidney but it's not in dayton ohio it's in flint michigan oh no so they're How the fuck are we going to get out of this snowstorm? And so the mother gets sober and she goes on the local radio station and she says,

we have to get my daughter out. Everybody come to the airport, bring a shovel. So they go to the airport and about 150 people from Dayton, Ohio, shovel a runway. It's not so bad. And they shovel a runway and the plane takes off. They fly private. They fly private. Yes.

It was Kevin Hart and her on the plane. And they get to Flint, Michigan. And the next scene is they wake up in the hotel room, in the hospital room. And the sun is streaming through the windows. The girl is sitting there. Everybody's smiling. There's balloons. And it was successful.

Oh, gosh. Okay, good. Everybody in the place is crying. And the woman next door goes, how are you going to get balloons during a snowstorm? No way. She's trying to open mic. I was dying. I was already crying.

Yeah. And then my tears... Did it get you? Oh, the movie? Oh, of course. Yeah. I cry at everything. Yeah.

There's this sweet kid who's blind in my... What do we call in it? My fake son. My boyfriend's son, his choir. Your fake... It's not my step son. We're not married. You're talking about your boyfriend's son?

Yeah. Oh. You still with the same guy? Mm-hmm. Congratulations. That's what, like four years now? Almost three. Wow.

Way to move us along, though. I think you're going to make four. That'll be my longest relationship, I think. Yeah. Wow. I know. Look at me. Let's double back into that after we finish this.

So he has a son who's blind. No, sorry. His good friend is blind. His good friend is blind. Yeah, so they, like, lead him on. stage and he's a comedian no no no he's in a choir like this oh i was going to say how would he do crowd work nice shirt i think you guys look like shit i'm guessing um no i'm saying anything makes me cry and just seeing him yeah seeing these young kids lead their friend and help them on stage and

just seeing him he won an award last night Ethan the blind kid really yeah it was shoes, please. Yeah, I was crying. I mean, I just can't handle. Oh, my God. Also, his daughter, my stepdaughter, whatever we're calling it, it makes me feel weird saying that. I never liked it when my stepmom called me, this is my daughter, this is my stepdaughter. I was like, ugh, but that's because it was her. So anyway, my Kate, she plays softball, and we played this team called the Piper's, which is all kids. You plan a team with your, no, I go and watch her. You are really, I feel like there's so many holes in the story that I'm almost not believing it's true anymore. My boyfriend has kids and I go to their stuffs. Okay, got it. Yeah. There's stuffs.

I'm a deadbeat stepmom. I'm always on the road. So when I can go, I go. Oh, right. Yeah. All right. So his daughter is playing softball. You go. You're not playing, but you go to the game. No, I'm there to support to cheer on. I'm usually late. But this time, they were playing this team called the Piper's and it's all kids with disabilities. Oh. And so they have a teammate helping them that is, you know, whatever has all, I don't know, we're calling it these days. Ballsy? No, no, no. Like, they have a helper that is just able-bodied or whatever.

Oh, got it. To help them, swing or do whatever they were. Right. That I was sobbing the whole fucking game. Jesus. It's like so sweet. Why? Because your team was losing to a bunch of handicapped kids.

No. I was like, get them. Just on the bunt every time. One of the kids was amazing. He would hit it like off the, because sometimes you get two tries and if the third try, they put up the tea. Yeah, right. And this one kid would take off running and then just go straight into the outfield.

And they'd like, no, go to the second. Yeah, right. And go to second. Hilarious. But yeah, it was really sweet. They said actually our team was one of the one out of ten teams of 70 that agrees to play them. No. Yeah, the other teams don't play them.

It's a guaranteed W. What's the? Oh, my God. Well, that does sound like I would cry at that. Yeah, I like that. I just love seeing people help each other and sweet. kids getting to enjoy life like other kids that, you know, maybe didn't come back in the day. Third grade, probably third grade.

Those were like nine years old. There was this kid and his name was Pierre LeBlanc and he had a shoe. It was like a cartoon skunk. A Pierre. You make a pooh-boo. One of his shoes is about five or six inches. Oh, yes. I remember seeing.

those. And he's got glasses that, why do they have to put the thick rims on them? We get it. They're thick lenses. I guess a wire frame won't hold it, though. Yeah. So he had these thick fucking lenses and frames, and his jaw was to the side. And even his hair was greasy.

It was just like everything. And, you know, he was just the sweetest fucking kid. And we're having a relay race in gym class. And he was, I don't know why, but he was the anchor of the relay team. We're just running back and forth in the gym. So his team is in the lead, and then it's his turn, and he starts running. And he doesn't run. He limps, you know?

And so he's limping pretty slow, and the other kids take off, and they're running past them. They touch the other wall. They're running back, and then they started walking. And Pierre touched the wall, and he came back. Oh, my God, I'm starting to cry. I know. Pierre LeBlanc. He won the fucking race.

I made like 50 bucks. You're over there. What are the odds on LeBlanc? Kids can be so sweet. But isn't that sweet? Yeah. A little Pierre. I used to go to his house sometimes.

His father was an ambassador from France at the UN. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Maybe you could find some time to help. the sun washes goddamn hair

stop embasseting I mean that's not a word ambasseting ambassadoring he's the ambassador so he just diplomaccing

he he just smooths out smooths out I think that's what the official term is for it smooths out the relationships between countries imagine being that guy right now

imagine being an ambassador to any country right now. And they're like, hey, can I get tickets to the WWE match in the White House lawn? Hook me up. Yeah, yeah. Or whatever it is, MMA. Can I get in on the Trump coin?

Can you get in on the bottom floor of the Trump coin? Sometimes, obviously, these things are hard to believe. But like, you know, the phone scam or whatever with the brothers, the Trump brothers, I guess they said you can get a Trump phone and they had like 60,000, was it? 60,000 people pay 100 bucks each. But is that real? That was fact checked and everything? I mean, this seems nuts. No, no, no, no, I'm obsessed with this story.

Okay. So 60,000 people pay 100 bucks each. They promised them a phone. It's going to be made in the USA. And it's going to be the best phone. Okay, it's a year later. Not one person has gotten a phone. And then it broke out in the news.

And so then recently a handful of people got phones all foreign parts. Of course. And it's got the eighth inch plug into the bottom that nobody, it's not compatible. with it's like four generations ago of parts. I'm like. But I mean, that is just, that's every product he's ever put out. I know that. I guess that's a trouble.

I figured maybe I always was curious about this because, you know, you had the failed Trump University, failed all these failed. Stakes, flights. Yeah, failed everything, right? And then all the people he didn't pay, he would hire immigrants and then trying to and not pay them and do that evil. And it's like, I always felt like, how was that not enough to have, all those people he hurt.

But it's like there's a cleanup team. It's mobby. You know what I mean? There's NDAs. That's why you're not hearing about it, I guess. Or if they were immigrants, then they're obviously not going to want to put their neck on the line. Dude, I love immigrants.

They get the job done. If I have a choice between a guy that's going to build my Hamilton? The song is immigrants. We get the job. Oh, yeah. I didn't see it. I wish I'd seen it. I remember when we were doing crashing, Judd took his family,

and tickets were like. like $3,000 a piece. Oh, no, no, no. When we were in, I got tickets for Hamilton when my family was visiting us in New York. And I had to work with it. You're kidding. It was like my episode was being shot. And it was a big night.

I feel like you could have missed. I know. I sent my family to see it and I didn't go. Oh, good. And the tickets were a lot. Yeah. I went after some time had passed. I remember I was still dating Sam.

So he and I. Sam Cedar. No. Sam. Yeah. Sam Cedar. Jesus Christ. Throwback.

He's my age. I always forget you're exactly 20 years younger than me. Like within a week. Yeah. Which means, happy birthday. You just turned. 41. No, 40.

Yeah. I'm over the hill. No, you turned 40, not 41. I think. No. Okay. What are you? 61?

60. 60. I just turned 60. so. Let me tell you something. It just doesn't feel different, right? It feels different. But I'm saying, do you not also go, how did I get 60?

Like that part? No, I get that. I've lived a full life. I've definitely looked back and I go, all right, I got a lot in in 60 years. I feel good about that. But I don't feel good about the fact that I think I'm going to be put on a shelf now. And like when people introduce me, these guys, this next guy's a legend. Fuck you.

I'm not a legend. I'm a comic just like you. Don't put me on a shelf. I'm not a trophy of a guy that did it for a long time. I'm not the elf on the shelf you want me to be. So, and then I also work out a lot, but my body doesn't change. Like it used to be if I worked out a lot, I would see my body slimmed down and puff up. And now it just stays the same body.

And I realize that that's kind of. get a metaphor for my life at 60. Nothing, like we're talking about our parents. Yeah. Nothing's going to change in any big way for me at this point. Yeah. Unless you went like, because you're not overweight. So I feel like unless you went like vegan, then you might see a change of some time.

No, but the body is only just an indication of it. It's not the issue. Yeah. It's just a metaphor for, you know, how much, how much I will challenge myself and how much I, I just, I love staying home on the couch watching TV. with my wife. I know. I like being a mom too. And I just, and I feel bad that I don't want to go. Even that during that Netflix week, they're like, come to the, you know,

Chappelle's throwing this thing. I was like, I was like, no, I don't get my shit. My sister was like, go. I was like, why? Right. I'm in my pajamas already. I know. And I don't care about famous people. I don't care. Famous people are boring. And also they're like always saying like, I'm a star. It's like, cool. I mean, yeah. And they do all the talking. Yeah, I just don't need it. I mean, I'm not going to need them, but there's a a handful of comedians I'm friends with. And it's a monologue on the phone. You just sit there and go, oh, really?

Yeah. And then you see them on stage and they're doing the bits. It's like, when you try, am I your sounding board? Right. You're like, I gave those laughs out of pity, motherfucker. I gave you taglines. Pay me, motherfucker. Yeah, for sure, pay me.

That would be nice, especially when they are bigger. And you give them a tag. It's like, come on, throw me a bone here. You know who does a lot to me? Who? Sam Morrell No he doesn't No

You know he does it a lot to me Ellen are generous She does I mean yeah I think she took some of my tags And You mean you pitched for one I didn't know you wrote for Alan

When she came back on my show at Largo Oh It was actually one of the coolest nights In comedy I will say It was a really cool night She's a big deal It was awesome Her performance was really rad

And it was cool to see her do it. And I'm like, you know, I'm still a fan. I don't feel like she did me so dirty, but I got a taste. Yeah. Of just like, you know, you've lived it. But it was more like. I got a mouthful. I know.

Exactly. And for me, it's like you want. But that doesn't take away the fact that I think she's one of the best comedians of all time. Yeah. I mean, I loved watching it. And I liked being around and like, but it just got weird. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I was supposed to open on the tour, but then they were like, no, there's going to be no opener. Then it was like open in L.A., 15 minutes. It's no 10, no 8, and clean. And it's like never coming from her, but from someone else. And it's like, just tell, like, if you were upset by X, Y, or Z, you should tell me beforehand. Not like I was up there doing, like, crazy, like, I don't know.

Weird, graphic, gross stuff. Well, you talk about abortions. And she doesn't like that. Well, she's never had one. Yeah, she doesn't get it. How fun they can be. Oh, my God. Somebody, I saw a video on my TikTok today.

and if somebody had an abortion, at a food truck set up outside of Planned Parenthood, and he's like, well, I guess you can guarantee they're coming out on an empty stomach. That's great. I love it. I feel like if you're a, I was thinking about that the other day. I was just thinking of it.

You know, when you think of a dumb tweet, like if you're a dude that's hired an escort to blow you, you should then also have to escort a woman to her abortion. You know what I mean? There should be some sort of like punch card. Oh, that's good. Yeah, when you see. guys doing really good things you know they did something really bad also yeah i would have yeah i i've

i took the abortion pill i would have an eight-year-old with a future comedian really yeah is is he doing better now than he was then probably a little but not much not enough to not to be sick child support for me to taco bell time again yeah yeah i wouldn't have a house probably and you did that with the pill Yeah, like I think a lot of people obviously perceptions is abortion. Like also here's the other thing. I think it's things are made to be big and scary words for a reason to quiet you, to make you not want to talk about it. It's everything is like that.

It's kind of a beautiful PR plan against women that's been done for centuries. Yeah. It's like, shame you for talking about it or don't talk about it or it's a bad word and then you are scared to talk about it and then you don't. You know, but I've, I'm old enough now where it's not scary for me to talk about. So then it's good to have younger. people. It's not about like promoting a board, like I made a joke earlier, but it's not about like, yay, they're so fun and cool. But it can be health care in a lot of ways it is, right? And also for me,

it was a mistake, right? I took plan B, but it didn't work for whatever reason. I mean, I know the reason. If you're too close to ovulation, it's just supposed to delay your ovulation. So it's not like a catch-all solve. Right. And anyway, the point is I didn't get my, I missed a period, which means I was four weeks. So you had to do plan C, which is the, which is, The abortion pill, Mepiphyprosone. Got it. And it's mysopropyl, Miffin. Oh, I didn't know there was two different pills.

Well, it's just, yeah, it's just a small pill that you take. And I joke on stage, like, I was pregnant once, but I caught it early. And I took the abortion pill, which I just call it, like, jump starting a late period. So, like, if you're in tune with your body and you know you missed a period and you don't want to be pregnant, you can take the abortion pill and you have your period. It's a lot like, you kill the baby and there's a heart. There's billboards I just drove by wherever the heck I was on the road that were like, there's a heartbeat at three weeks. I'm just like, no, there's not.

I mean, I don't actually know the facts. But the point is there's ways for you to be in touch. No, you've missed it. And then get the abortion pill and move on with your life. Don't you sell? Abortion pills for merch? I do. Yeah, you do.

You have envelopes that say congratulations on your planning B pill or something. I do have thank you cards on my website that's safe. for people who shoot semen, you should go to my website. If you've ever had a woman take plan B or take the abortion bill, go to my website, beth stalling.com, purchase a greeting card that says, thank you for taking plan B. And then on the inside, you can check PayPal, Venmo, or a meal. And then the other one says, thank you for taking the abortion bill.

I'm not ready to be a father yet, again, or ever. That's great. And Laura Kightlinger has a joke. She goes, one of the most, underrated comedians of all time. I don't think I've ever got to see her. Really? Yeah.

You would love Laura Kitelinger. So smart. I definitely know of her. Hard jokes. Like she comes, she's like you. She comes in and does punch up on stuff. Okay, cool. And she's this fucking sniper.

That's cool. And so she has a joke. She goes, yeah, I had an abortion a while ago. And it's true what they say. You never want to outlive your children. That's a great joke. Yeah. So what else?

I have a script of questions to ask you. Oh, I thought you had a script you wanted me to look at. No, I got that too. You working on a script right now? Trying to make myself write something, yes. I just need a new sample. Do we even write sitcoms anymore? I know.

The answer is yes, but... It's just to get the paycheck. You don't think it's ever going to happen. The real answer, I think, is... There's still good TV being made. I just watch Margot's Got Money Problem. Oh, yeah? And I loved it.

Really? Yeah. It's a perfect mix of, like, great casting, great writing. Yeah. All of it, you know? Everybody on the team was so good. But yeah, and that's based off of a novel. Oh.

Yeah. I think I don't want to say her name wrong, but I think it's Ruffy. Thorpe. I think there was another show based on something she wrote. Yes, very possible. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I guess, like, that I loved. I love that show.

It hits so many things for me. Yeah. Like, no, there's plenty of good sitcom still being made. Have you seen Zach's little gardening show? I pressed play on the road and then I fell asleep. Well, that's the point. But that's the point of it. But I got to see enough of it then it really made me laugh. The thing about tomatoes, I think.

Yeah. But it's also what America needs right now. It just is a cleansing of the palate. It's just, it's beautiful. It's about nature. It's about children. It's just like, I hope he makes a thousand of them. They're so good.

I love him. But I just mean, do we need more shows like that and less shows that? that are the traditional sitcoms that we're seeing on like the networks. I don't know. It's tough because like sometimes those older shows are still getting made and they do feel out of touch. And then Margot seems really good and new and a great, like there's just so many factors. Like the acting is so good and the writing is so good, which is why you're drawn in.

But any of those things gone wrong and I wouldn't have liked it. Yeah. I think I'm drawn in. Obviously people are, it's like when you have a favorite stand up, right? Or when they say, if somebody's like, I don't like that. It's like, okay, probably because you're one of those types of people that likes to go and watch someone that is a mirror of you. Now, not everyone's like that, right? But usually people are like they want to see a mirror of themselves, which is why it's difficult for some of them, of course, not all, to be like, this is a woman, this is funny.

It's like, cool. I mean, I guess go jerk off in front of the mirror if you want to just see something of yourself. Right. Well, if you see a lot of the acts that are playing arenas, and this is not knocking them because some of them are really good comedians and a lot of them are friends of mine. but it is very bro. Yeah. There's a lot of bros. And the audience is 95% that guy.

Yeah. You know? And that's the thing. I mean, like, they don't care because they're so rich, right? But I like to look out and like what I see. Yeah. I like to look at my crowd and see that it's different people, different types of people, different ages of people.

Yeah, I just. You know what I like to see? Hot babes, big tits. That's actually really just. distracting. Sometimes I swear to God they do it on purpose. They'll take the girl at the lowest cleave if you put her right in the front row. And it really is. It's hard not to like get distracted by it. So what do you do for a living? Just to get a beat on her. No, I just like to, you know what I like seeing the audience? An audience. Yeah. I just am happy when people show up. 100%. I got a show coming up

and my agent was just like, yeah, ticket counselor that's the worst thing to get an email about. And then you scramble and you make a fucking video. I know. They all want a video, but it's like if your heart's not in it or it's just a promo video, it's tough. And then everybody's doing promo videos. And maybe you're trying to be creative. Like I love Tommy Brennan, who's on S&L. When he was dressed like an ork or whatever it is, he was like, I'm going to be in Minneapolis.

You know, he's doing his stand-up states. Just like a what? I said ork, but I don't know what it is. It's like some sort of creature. Okay. On SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like some sort of scary.

Yeah. I don't know. What's the show everybody loved forever on HBO? Game of Thrones? Yeah, something like that. Scary, I don't know. Anyway, but like there's certain things, even that I looked and I liked it,

but it had been up for a while and it only had like 800 likes. I'm like, if even Tommy, who's on SNL, who's doing something really unique and funny to me, can't get whatever it is. I just did one. I was getting my teeth cleaned,

and I talked, they were doing it, and I go, I'm going to next trick, and I just put a subtitle so you could understand I was saying I'm coming to Boston next week. You know, fucking 300 likes. That's the hard part.

is like obviously I want to get the news out about my show so many times you leave and they're like, when are you coming to Austin? It's like, I was just there. Yeah. You know? And so you want to get the word out. But as much as we want to think that stand up some meritocracy, it never is, never has been. And that we want to think that it's like, well, whoever is good will rise to the top.

It's like, whoever has money will rise in the top. It's a pay to play. It always was, but it's even more that now. You mean like buying ads on Instagram and all that? Think about it. Some of the most famous comics pay six grand in PR, six grand in social media. That's a month. Their output is minimum 10K.

Those are the people who are beating us. Now, I'm not saying they're not talented. And maybe at one point in time, that was a stretch for them. Like it was tight to pay 10K plus a month for them. But now it's not. But when you're making $200,000 in a show, per shell. The return investment probably worked for them. Again, it's a risk that I'm just like really not willing to take.

I don't want to stretch myself or try to put out. That is when my upbringing goes. that doesn't make sense. You don't pay someone $6,000 to have them go, well, we want to get you on here, but you're not famous enough. Exactly. No, I don't know, yeah, I don't know what a public can do these days because it really is just about getting on podcasts enough,

the big ones like this that can really make you a name. You're going to see a big difference. Hey, if everyone listening doesn't fucking follow me. Please, I'm begging you. My livelihood depends on it. What's your Instagram handle? At Beth Stelling. Jesus.

At, I don't care if you follow me. At Beth Stelling, S-T-E-L-I-N-G. No, I want you to mark down your followers today. Okay, okay, okay. When this comes out in a week, I want you to tell me how many you got. I'll let you know if I got that fits bump. The problem is with a woman is you want a follower, you don't want to stalk or you want to find that sweet spot. I'll get into the weeds sometimes, like, with, I haven't done it recently.

It just depends on what I'm feeling like in my life. but sometimes a comment will get to me and I'll get into the weeds with somebody or if there's a repetitive commenter like or this one guy for a while was DMing me but it would go to my request which I don't even check anymore yeah because my messages are somehow always messed up I feel like my phones messed up or I haven't updated the app I'm missing all kinds of things but the point is yeah exactly things are slipping through yeah so either way and I just kept seeing this guy's name over in the requests and then when I went to look and scrolled up I mean it was heinous, horrific, bizarre. Okay? Yeah. I told Adam about it, my boyfriend, and he's a genius. This guy's name, I'm not kidding, was basically like Mike Smith, and he found him, found his email, found where he works, and I emailed him.

No. Yeah. And I said, because he kept commenting stuff, like, for example, where I'm always, I'm quality over quantity, always have been, but there have been times where I'll get looped in and go, I guess I'll put this out. Yeah. It's just me riffing. Right.

Even though I don't really love it, but I'm just trying to feed the algorithm. It's like a sick, sad breakdown of my morals. Right. But then again, it means nothing to anyone. It is a struggle because it is about quantity these days. It is. Yeah. But more power to you, if everything's of your quantity is quality.

But I just work so long to get things how I want them. It's just a mind fuck. So I reluctantly put up a thing where I riffed on something and I'm like, oh, I hate it. And then, of course, this guy is like, if this is what you're coming. He goes, I want my money back for Minneapolis. I was going to play Acme. So I emailed him and I said, hey, I want to know what your information is.

I'm going to get you that refund. And he goes, how many, again, I can't remember his name, but it was something like Mike Smith. He goes, damn, how many Mike Smiths did you email to get this? And I said, one. I mean, quite literally. And I said, it's right here with every, and I listed everyone he works with.

Because it was with everyone he works with. So then we went back and forth on email a little bit because I told the club, like don't let this guy in. And they're like, he didn't buy a ticket. So it's just the amazing thing, like, sorry to go back to this thing of like the thing I mentioned earlier, but it's like to be, there's all these things that women get told, right? Like either about abortion or women lie or they're not believed.

It's like, this guy just fucking lie. You know what I mean? But they're never going to be like men lie. Right. But he didn't buy a ticket. He's just trolling me. Yeah. So anyway, go back and forth a bit.

He's like, I'm guessing, and I don't know. But I'm, you know how we are. Like, I'll just fill in everything, the whole story. Yeah. Like my mind will run. I think maybe he's closeted. I don't know. Interesting.

But the reason I say that is because he was like, you can stay with me, blah, blah, blah, if you need a place to stay. But everything he messaged me was like sort of leaning gayer. Yeah. And I just said, so I replied something like, yeah, I'll be your hag or something like that. And I said, but I don't know if your dad would want me staying in his penthouse.

And he wrote back, my dad's dead, which of course could be true or could be not. I said, make sense while you're acting like a bastard. And I don't think he'd be proud of you if, like, treating people this way. And that was the last thing I said to him. So if I die in Minneapolis, it's Mike Smith. And this was all on email. Yeah. But it had come from him, like he was messaging me disgusting, heinous things about my appearance, about, like.

Anything threatening? No, it wasn't, like, scary. It was just him being kind of like a catty bitch. Right. But I had the time. Yeah. Was he ever concerned that you were going to like out him to his coworkers? I don't, he didn't mention that.

Yeah. I like it. Yeah, I'm just sort of like, this is what you're doing with your time. Yeah. And I say that to honestly a lot of people who like random men that will come and say shit. I'll be like, go comment on stuff you like. It's okay that you don't like me. Uh-huh.

And then I think their argument, sometimes they'll come back and be like, well, you should want to, like, it's just a critique. You should take it. And I go, no, it's your opinion. Yeah. A critique would come from someone I respect. Yes. Or who has an expertise in my area. Right. It's your opinion and you can have it, but like leave me alone. Yeah. Like, comment on stuff you like, you like, you lunatic. Right. I do not need you. Well, you should. You do need me. It's like, I don't. No, I really don't. Like, I want the people who like me to come to my shows. Why would I want you in my crowd if you do not? I hate it. Right. The bizarre. The entitlement that they have. It's a lot like that. Yeah. It's basically like sitting on your phone like Caesar.

Like, no. And that's encouraged by obviously the likes and not likes. But like, no. Yeah. Yeah. It's like cool. Keep scrolling. I mean, I really do.

I still have this fantasy that I can be analog, you know, that I can just, like you said, a meritocracy. Hopefully people come back and see me. But then you, you know, and sometimes that works. You know, I definitely have like. your base, right, where people know, but if they don't know you're there. If I go to a new town sometimes, it's just like... Same.

Jesus Christ. But I've also talked to people who have moved to theaters that are above us in the sale bracket. And they're canceling some of their dates this year. Yeah. Because, well, we're... People are fucking starving and gas is crazy and we're... No, no, no.

Ticket sales, they're soft. Yeah. So everybody's struggling. I actually at this point feel grateful to be in clubs because of that. Right. But, um, yeah. But then again, they find the money they find 100 like I was talking to Nikki at the

Netflix brunch and Nikki Glazer yeah and she was like I gotta go ride a new hour you know and she was like oh I'm so stressed people pay so much to see me and I just go that's why I'm happy to be in the club maybe I'll give you 150 bucks worth of jokes right right right yeah I feel it but again that's my like I should I should think bigger right I should have done what she didn't invest in myself and pay for PR like she knows you know what I mean like there's that feeling too where like oh I should have done that. Yeah. But I don't, and I didn't. I know, but look at you. You go to South Africa and you play field hockey and you go occasionally to your goddaughter's softball. My goddaughter. No, but I mean like,

yeah, really, like, you know, I've got a work life balance that, and I do fall into that. Like, I should have, I should have. And then I stop and I go, what the fuck you're talking about? You went to the Knicks game at a bar that you guys all hang out. Like I have a life. I have a full life. I agree. You know? Yeah. And at the same time, I get to do what I love and I'm comfortable.

Yeah. I do feel so grateful that we do have the skill where you can just go to a city and be paid to make people laugh. Yeah. I mean, it's a joy. Stay in a hotel. Yeah. Wake up whenever you want. Mm-hmm.

People kiss your ass at the club. They're really nice to you. And after the show, do you sell your merch? after the show. I do. And people tell you how great you are and what you mean to them. It's fucking great. I know. Usually they go, why are you selling your own merch? I go, I don't trust anybody else to do it. No, I sell my own merch. Yeah. I like meeting people and talking to them. This one woman, she came out and I think it was Portland. And I do a thing on my podcast where I read the blondeie cartoons because I have a crush on blondeie. She's so sexy. And she came out and she

dressed as blondie but to a tea. And I was like, how fucking cool is this? That's cool. Yeah. What'd your wife say? Stiff Armour. Why would I tell my wife that? Stiff Armourer.

Dagwooder. You know he beats her, right? Dagwood? Yeah. Probably. He's the least. Dagwood is, it's amazing to me that Dagwood has been married to her this long because he literally just sits on the couch and she,

like her hair is done, she's got on beautiful skirts, and he wears like donut pajamas to bed. This motherfucker. And there's so many scenes where it's like she'll be in bed with him, with, I'm not kidding you, lingerie, like hanging off her shoulder. And he's sitting there talking about getting a sandwich. It's like, what the fuck? What is she still doing with him?

Get a grip. We need her to exit that cartoon and walk over to me. To you. The only person I would leave my wife for. All right, let's get to it. It's time for a little, fastballs with fits. Oh, stop it.

I dare you yawn during my podcast. This is fastballs with fits. Did we do this last time? I have no recollection. Yes, we did. We did. All right. Who is your best Asian friend?

Trace. Who's Trace? Singer. Look her up on Spotify. She's a singer? I was with her this morning. Really? Yeah.

She's a singer. Just T-R-A-C-E. Trace. You're going to like it. Really? On the way home, listen. I've lived my entire life without a Trace. No.

What kind of music? Singer-songwriter, like, very chill. It's beautiful. She big? I mean, you don't know her, but yeah, she'll have songs, like, randomly sometimes on Love is Blind, for example. Yeah. How'd you meet her? Love song.

Think just the internet. No. Yeah. See, you meet good people on there too. I agree. That's why I always say, like, I leave the window open. Yeah. If you shut it, you know, you might keep out the rocks people throw in there, but you miss the birds on the windows.

I mean, you know. You know, butterflies. Sometimes they come in through the bedroom window. In the wind. In the sun, shine. Who's your favorite? Who's your best gay friend? Mo Welch.

Really? Okay. Yeah. Sometimes I forget she's gay. What about TIG? I like TIG a lot. We're just not as close as me, Mo. Who's the one that got away?

Hmm. I mean, probably the guy who's tattooed on my back. Really? Yeah. That's a commitment. At least it's on your bag and not your front. It's kind of a symbol that. Yeah.

But also, like, let's be real. You know, I don't believe in that, really. It's like, I don't really believe in that. No, it seems like for most people, whoever you're with now is better than who you were with before. He is the best of all. Yeah. For sure.

Right. Like, I know that. Now, I just mean the one that got away is sometimes just the one that you go. I agree. I get the expression and I'm playing along. And in some ways, it would be like, if anything, he's the one where I go, what would that life be like?

Yes, exactly. Because if anything, I would probably be in Cincinnati. with kids and I don't know. Yeah. Cincinnati with kids enjoying being closer to my family.

That's the sitcom you should pitch. Cincinnati with kids. Okay. I'll write it. It's such a good title. You just walk in the room, say it. Cincinnati with kids, you want to buy it?

I'm at CAA and walk out. Do you validate? What TV role would you most like to have gotten? Ooh. It's funny lately to see what I've read for and who they cast. Yeah.

Anything good? Nothing felt like terrible to me. There haven't been anywhere. I was like, oh, man, I really, because there is also just, I hate to call it like imposter syndrome, but like I love acting and I'm proud of the stuff I've done, like my fun guest roles.

Yeah. But I think sometimes when I read for something bigger, I'm like, oh, I can't do that. It's like, well, why not? Like, it's because I'm not putting myself there. So I can't think of any where I really let myself get so invested. I've probably just forgotten them on purpose. Yeah.

If anything, it's probably some voice stuff I really wanted to do. Yeah. Characters in that way. Like I loved Zootopia too. Oh yeah. It's like my favorite movie maybe of all time. Right.

So it was so fun to hear Fortune in that. I did not read for Fortune's role. But I loved that movie. Yeah. So if anything, voice. What about you? I got close on, um,

on modern family. That would, that would have been cool. For the lead. Wow. And then you look at him and you go, yeah, I think they got the right.

guy on that one. Yeah, because he was so perfect. Perfect. Yeah, you're such a better actor. Yeah, he brought warmth to it and he brought vulnerability. He brought warmth and a little stupidity in a fun way, whatever the word I'm looking for. That's not me. Yeah. Not stupid. Now you're shardonic and whipsnapper. Whip smart. Um, have you ever not finished a set on stage? Yeah. Where? I've been like, I could go longer, but you don't deserve it. And then I've left. Hmm. I can't remember where right now. You just remember saying that.

Yeah, I just remember being like, I can only do so much. Yeah. You know, like I'm really bringing it, but I need you guys to meet me halfway. It was probably a Friday late. People exhausted and drunk. Yep. And they're like, I worked all day. Yeah.

There's also some clubs. The energy is just like you go to the Denver Comedy Works, which you're going to, and we're going to mention that later. Thank you. Go to Denver Comedy Works. And there is like, it's like you're performing to a trampoline. Yeah. It just is bouncing back at you. Yes.

And then you have clubs where you're performing. Some of them are like warehouses. They just have big ceilings and it's not seated well and the sound system's not great. And you, like you said, you're bringing it. Yeah. And it's just not hitting. It's not landing and it's not magic. No.

Like I just booked a corporate date. I'm going to New York next week for it. And I said to them, look, I didn't say this to him. I know it's going to be bad, you know. Like it's a bunch of guys in suits. Yeah. So I need a I need a riser

I need some lights I want a wireless mic because I'm walking in that fucking crowd when I'm bombing I will walk into that crowd and I will find life put them on the spot and make them wake up

I will make them engage Yeah engage with me Yes But I'll be making a phenomenal amount of money Good Yeah It's the cops coming to get me Because I know it's highway robbery

When I'm getting paid What would you teach if you had no choice but to teach for a living? I'm like, what could I teach is the question. Well, you have a lot of skills. You're a musician. I know, but I'm like only a novice cellist. Oh, I thought you were more than a novice. Well, so a novice can teach beginners.

You're right. If I could teach anything, I guess, I mean, field hockey comes to mind because I did enjoy teaching that to Kate when. I got her a stick for Christmas. Yeah. I don't teach comedy, but I do enjoy doing punch-up. I started my punch-up open mic on Mondays. What's that?

Comics go up for three minutes, and then I punch them up for two and send them on their way. I like that. You can come do it with me sometimes if you want. I'd love to do it. You can make it free punch-up on my jokes. Well, I mean, you could do it, but I meant like sometimes I've been having a friend with me. Oh, I would punch up with you. Yeah, I'd rather do that.

Yeah. Guy Brandem's done it. Morgan Murphy. I think I'd like I think I'd like to go up and have you punch my setup then join you Yeah yeah that's perfect

Yeah Yeah I would love that Anyway it's Monday is at UCB Whenever I'm home from the road Who would you want to play you In your biopic? Ooh

I know I always I always think of somebody who like kind of looks like me Mm-hmm And the matches I have there Mm-hmm Who could play me Aubrey Plaza

Yeah. I loved her in my old ass. Didn't say it. So good. Yeah. She's maybe a little too deadpan. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn't have the silliness. Maybe a little more warmth and like a little more animation.

Like I need a face to move. What about physically doesn't look like you, but what about from 30 Rock, the blonde? Jane Krikkowski? Yeah. She's a little slight and birdish, not to be rude. I need, like, a bigger broad, like a tree. What if Janine Garofalo played you? That would be cool.

She's birdish now, too. She used to be bigger. Yeah. I open for her, like, who knows, 15 years ago. She's one of my favorites. I love Janine. Yeah, I don't have a good answer. Oh, oh, oh, like Jillian Bell or something.

Okay. Oh, you know who else I love? She was the lead on that Hulu show. Why am I blanking? It's a Cheryl Strad's book. Beautiful. My brilliant friend? No beautiful things or something.

Why am I blanking? I love Cheryl Strad. Okay. But the lead in that show. Have you ever joined any clubs? Wait, not the lead. That was... Sorry, sorry, sorry.

The mom and the flashbacks. She's a blonde woman. Her name's like Margo or something. I don't know. I'll figure it out. Blonde, she plays the mom and the flashbacks. It's not Catherine Hahn. Can we edit out this last part?

Fastball Slow ball Slow ball You don't have to look it up All right Have you ever joined a club Like Any club?

You ever been in a club? Like a dance club Any kind of club For sure Really? I'm sure I have What clubs? Well I don't know

I just feel like I have to have joined Well I feel like your field hockey is a club Yes that's the Santa Monica Field Hockey Club Right. What about in high school? We were in a debate?

I was in so many clubs. Oh, wait, didn't you win some kind of a debate contest? I was the state champion and humorous interpretation in Ohio. Whoa! In 2003! That's amazing! So he was in speech club? I did a bunch of clubs in high school, volunteer clubs.

What did you volunteer for, special needs kids? Project support. You must have done something really bad to have had to do that. Oakwood giving, it was called. When's the last time you sincerely apologize to somebody? Huh. I'm sure I had to apologize. My back's been bothering me.

Yeah. How's your neck? And my back in my back and my pussy in my back. My back's, like, many threw out my back. And so I think, like, it wasn't like, it was sincere. I'm sure it was Adam, my boyfriend. Yeah. I think last night when he was taping the show, choir show, award show.

Did he throw out your back? No. Because he's the only should apologize. Well, I was sitting there and he was being nice, right? And he was trying to, like, rub my back a little bit was making me go forward and make me tense. And so I hugged him later and I was like, I'm fucking really piss me off.

You're pushing my back. And he's like, I'm sorry, babe. I was just trying to show you. I was there for you. And I was like, no, I'm sorry. I'm grumpy. I'm warm my back. Yeah.

I just sincerely apologize for him. That was nice. That was sweet. Finally, what is the hackiest bit you've ever done? Oh, there's some I had to like retire because I was like, I can't keep doing this. Yeah. But they worked. It was hard to let go with them.

Yeah. That's the thing about the hacky bits. They kill. I know. I know. Why? Yeah. Because God is tempting you.

The devil is tempting you. Yeah. The hacky bits do work. Yeah. What's so hacky that I've done. I'm trying to think. You ever do any, like, impressions? Mm.

Yeah. Maybe it's that. Like, it's an old. old, old tweet of mine where I was like I want to write the female Jerry McGuire where the most quoted line is you deplete me

that's not idea. I love that although I will say this can I put this out to America? Stop doing Trump impressions it's over it's the new gym from taxi it's the new De Niro it's yes it's gonna work

it's going to work you will get laughs and it's bad. Sometimes I almost like, I don't do them at all. I'm not really an impression person, but even sometimes when I've, I don't, I can't even think of it, but I'll be speaking on stage and do something that's, I don't know what it is. And I go, ugh, that's like too close to something he would do. Yeah. And I stop myself because I'm like, eh, we're, it's not from him. It's just close to what he does. And then I, yeah, it's not like I'm imitating him. I just don't

like him so much that even anything near what he's doing is like, ick. Yeah. I really don't like them. Who? Trump. He's so gross. Beth Stelling, who you, if you like good comedy, and I'm not making this up, like you had a special that just came out, like, we're looking for somebody with a big Instagram following. We're looking for people who do huge numbers on social media.

One of the great titles of any stand-up show ever. So funny. You shot it here in L.A. you're just always honest and provocative while at the same time never being uh how do you say it like um it's accessible oh thank you and and it and it's like you're somebody when you're watching on stage you're somebody that people want to hang out with that's what it feels like thanks reggie if you want to see that description sacramento june 11 through the 13th Cleveland on June 25th, Toronto, the 26th or 27th.

Little heads up, they're going to pay you in Canadian money. And it's going to go down. And it's going to go down. You have to pay for your taxes. And then there's all these Canadian taxes. You leave with like $50. It's literally not even worth doing. And then you bring merch and now all of a sudden you got fucking de bloons or whatever they use up there.

Then you got Las Vegas on July, 4th of July in Las Vegas. Let's get nuts. I just said I hate the resident. Welton, California on July 9th, which I've lived here for 25 years, and I've never heard of Welton in California. Oh, sorry, that's why I haven't heard of it. You made it up. Denver, as we talked about, the Comedy Works August 6th through 8th. That's going to sell out, so I would get those tickets soon.

I actually need you to sell it out. I got bumped. I was supposed to be there at end of May. They told people I rescheduled, but Andrew Scholl's just wanted my weekend. and they gave it to him. Well, you got to do that sometimes. He's got to do huge numbers on social media. And if you don't follow me, I can't, I'm going to keep getting bumped by Angie Shulls.

So if you want to get the merch we talked about, you go to Beth Stelling.com. Otherwise, check out her specials. There's so many of them. YouTube. I think they're almost all on YouTube now besides my HBO special. Yeah. And then I have a half hour on Netflix still. But if you go to my YouTube channel, you'll see the Netflix one that was on There is there now.

Right. and then we're looking for people who do huge numbers on social media and the landlord special. You will be handsomely rewarded for your efforts. Please. Thank you, Beth. Subscribe. I love you. I love you back.

Okay. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. Always.