Fitzdog Radio - Bobby Kelly Part 2: Hookers, Hecklers & Comedy Court

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz This is Part 2 of Greg’s conversation with comedian Bobby Kelly.Bobby and Greg pick up right where they left off, swapping stories from decades on the road together. From Boston comedy clubs and Tourgasm to nightmare college gigs, brutal corporate shows, hooker stories, Comedy Court at The Cellar, and getting booed by 14,000 people at the Boston Garden, this episode is packed with comedy war stories. They also talk about comedy cliques, Patrice O’Neal, Bill Burr, Dane Cook, Tough Crowd, Opie & Anthony, the rise of social media comedians, and why stand-up has changed forever.Plus, Bobby reveals the worst opener he ever had, Greg shares one of his most terrifying college road gigs, and both comedians explain why bombing never gets easier. Part 1 is available now if you missed the beginning of the conversation. Follow Bobby: https://punchup.live/robertkellyFollow Greg:https://www.fitzdog.com #GregFitzsimmons #BobbyKelly #FitzdogRadio #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #TheBonfire #ComedyStories #BillBurr #PatriceONeal #DaneCook This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That was easy. Hey, welcome to Fitzdog Radio. World Cup fever, baby. I mean, Jesus Christ. Can we just enjoy the Knicks a little bit longer before we pretend to care about a sport? We care about every... I'm not going to shit on the World Cup because I actually... I got sick of all the buildup, but then once I started watching the games, I realize how much I enjoy it.

And I'm into it. I'm not into USA. I'm not into chanting USA. I don't know what that means. We're not united. We can chant SA, states of America. But I sent out a tweet. I basically just said like I feel about World Cup soccer

like I feel about gay porn. Like I respect the physicality, but it doesn't get me excited. That's it. That's all I wrote. I got fucking bummed. barred with angry people who questioned my career, my sexuality, my athleticism, my accomplishing, like everything, everything got questioned.

Don't fuck with soccer. People get, or football, guarantee these people were not from this country that lit me up. And, and I realize I don't enjoy that. I do not court drama on social media. I don't like people saying mean things. I feel no need to say mean things back. I'd like to reach out to people. I thought that was a pretty innocuous joke.

I thought it was a little self-deprecating, the fact that I do watch gay porn, which just opened the door to people calling me gay. But that was the joke. That was kind of the joke. but anyway quick story oh and also

I mentioned last week that I got the or I don't know recently I mentioned that I had gotten the shingles vaccine and that I love vaccines I said bring them on and again

annihilated by people it's like I'm not trying to get you vaccinated I don't give a shit what you do I'm just glad that they're a to me and I'm going to get the, oh, I think I was talking about getting a deer tick. There's a deer tick. I know, it's not a vaccination.

I guess it's a, I don't know what you take after you catch something, whatever that is. I'll take it. I'll take whatever. I'll take fucking multi-vite. It's the same guys that fucking put every other. Jesus Christ, don't get me started. Anyway, so I did this past weekend. I went up Saturday night.

I had a show in. Reno Nevada, which by the way, Vegas is dead. It's over. Watch how I'm going to get hate from people in Vegas. It's just, it's so commercialized. It's always been commercial, but it's institutional now. It's corporate. There's nothing, there's no personality left.

It's just, they've just got their hands in your pocket. Reno is what you're looking for. It's like a down and out town. The casinos have tables. that have $10 minimums, not fucking $30 minimums, so you can actually throw some money around. Good restaurants, and it's dirty, you know? It's got some filth to it.

The fucking streets look a little down and out. I like it. Anyway, so I got sent up there to do a corporate event for a corporation, as I'm talking about it being anti-corporate, not a corporation. It's a gathering. It's an association of people that like game. They like to hunt, kill, and consume game. So that's my job.

I show up and it's an enormous ballroom at the Pepper Mill Resort in Reno. And there's about 600 people there, but they come nowhere near filling the size of this room, which has 100 foot ceilings. and it is filled with stuffed animals, stuffed animals, you know, fucking bears, like grizzly bears and elk, game, stuffed game. Is that what you call it? Jesus Christ. And so I walk in and it's a bomb, it's a guaranteed bomb.

There is nothing right about comedy in this situation. And there's a band on stage, and they're like a casino, band. They're like a wedding band. They play covers. Do you remember? It's September. You know, like horns, horns. Fun. You know, like fun. Kind of band that I would, if I was invited, I'd be up dancing. Why not? Little Casey and the Sunshine Band. Little fucking sly. And so no one's dancing. Not only is no one dancing, but this quite older crowd, that looks like they were bust in from the Midwest. They're not even clapping.

They're not tapping their feet. They are sitting there watching. And I go to the buffet. They have a buffet for dinner. And it's like bison, fucking venison rabbit, wild rabbit. How about rattlesnake sausage? And so I'm not touching any of that shit. So I get ready to go on and they bring me up.

And it's one of those things where they introduced me and they said, this guy's been on Laderman, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, the whole intro. And then Greg Fitzsimmons. And they clap for about 0.6 seconds. And then I have to walk along this, across this long-ass stage to silence. And I get to the microphone. I'm already feeling like this isn't going to go well. And I go, I go, I was just at the buffet.

It's great to be here at ground zero for the next Ebola virus. I said this is like the Wuhan market. Nothing. Like I'm doing all jokes about them, about hunting. And I mean, this goes on for like two minutes. I am choking on my own vomit up there. And then this guy comes running up to the front of the stage and he goes, we need a doctor. And I look over to my right.

And there's a woman face down in a red dress on the ground. And I'm like, and I literally become the guy who gets to say, is there a doctor in the house? We need a doctor. Is there a doctor in the house? And so this doctor goes running over, a nurse runs over, a bunch of other people. There's a whole hubbub. And so I don't know what the hell to do. Here, I'll play you.

Here's what I then said. Here's an audio clip. I don't know how good the sound quality is going to be, but I figured I might as well play. Here's a quick clip. All right. So now I walk off stage and I am, I have never felt so much relief in my life. It was like a reprieve from the governor. I wanted to get off that stage.

And it was like getting out of a cold plunge, like the relief I felt. I'm standing on the opposite side of the stage as the woman who's down with the doctor. And I'm just waiting it out. And every minute that goes by is a minute I don't have to do on stage. And so I'm waiting and wait. And then the guy comes over. And the guy's running the show. And he goes, after like 10 minutes, he's like, all right, let's get you back up there.

I was like, dude, she's laying down in front of the crowd being administered to. I said, I don't think I should go back on stage yet. Let's wait until she's clear. So he goes, yeah, I guess that's a good idea. So now we're standing over there, 15, 20, 25 minutes. So finally, like the woman gets her. Turns out she was choking on a piece of meat who would guess. There's another argument to become vegan.

And so she goes and sits down in the crowd. She goes back to her chair. And so the guy goes, all right, let's bring him back up. Ladies and gentlemen, you remember him from before. Greg Fitzsimmons, another long walk across the silent stage. And then I said, folks, whatever you do, don't eat the rattlesnake sausage. Gets a chuckle. I do a couple more jokes about the situation.

I do the kind of like, how about a hand for everybody that helped out? I get some goodwill going. I get some charm going. I start working the lady in human resources who's a little bit tipsy in the front row. She's fantastic. We're having fun. Start working the crowd. So I pulled it off.

I did an hour and I did well and I got off stage and I got to tell you something. I never felt like more of a professional in my life. Like I could handle. I could go in the pocket during a fucking Super Bowl game. Not that that's the Super Bowl, but you know, during a high pressure situation and pull it out and get the job done. And it was a nice paycheck. So they sent a big stretch limo for me, which those are a little day. The stretch limo? Come on. Not even comfortable. And they gave me a big sweet and they gave me a $300

food charge. So I'm eating I'm eating fucking steaks for lunch and dinner. And it was good. They treated me great. Shout out to them. They handled the situation with the woman really well. And at the end of the day, the guy said that I was one of the best comedians they've ever had and they've done it every year for, I think, 53 years now. Anyway, let's go. get to it. A couple dates I'm just announcing. I'm going to be in Oxnard at Levity Live, July 11th, one-night two shows, Huntington Beach at Mamba, July 12th. This just announced. Pittsburgh, the improv, July 24th, and 25th, then I'll be in St. Pete's, I'll be in Cincinnati, I'll be in Columbus, I'll be in Vancouver, all dates and tickets at Fitzdog.com. Come out and say hi. Also, this

podcast is part two. Last week was part one of a Bobby Kelly podcast. So we ended up recording two hours, not even realizing how long we were going. And so we just split it into two because he's so fucking funny. And I had such a good time. So this is the second. And by the way, also shout out to Matt Peters, my producer, who put together a very funny AI clip at the end of the last episode where I'm getting tackled, I think, I don't know it was by him, but by somebody with a headset on. And it was a funny way to end an otherwise dangling middle of the show. So this is the second half. I hope you enjoy it. It'll probably pick up in the middle. So don't be shocked. You haven't missed something. Well, you missed last week, but you can go back and listen to that. But otherwise, we're starting in

the middle of a two-hour interview. And this is the great, from the bonfire, from, from, Tough crowd from Louis, from his own podcast. You know what dude. Here's my buddy that I came up with in Boston many years ago and hung out with for many years in New York. A real brother. Here he is. Bobby Kelly, part two. I was thinking about in comedy, there are, they say to find your tribe, basically, in comedy.

You know, to like find the other comics you respect, that respect you that you have fun with. You kind of maybe have a, it doesn't have to be a similar thing. But, and I think about how many tribes you've had coming up. Like, you're a guy, I mean, you talk about Dane and you guys had that, uh, Torgasm thing that you traveled and it was, was it Gary Gullman? Gary Gellman, Jay Davis, Dane. Jay Davis and Dane. And then you, uh, came to New York and you got part of like the tough crowd to,

He was Colin Quinn and Patrice. Well, the original tribe was me, Burr, Patrice, Dane, Gary Goldman, even little Bob Marley. Yeah. We were in Boston that we would all do shows together. We would always, Billwork in 99s, the Calloons, Knicks downtown. Then we go to Dominics and hang out until two in the morning. Yeah.

Trash each other. Dominics, by the way. People don't know this, but Dominics was a place. where the hookers hung out between gigs. Yeah. When it was cold out, because the Red Light District was right next to Nick's comedy stuff. And the comics would go over there.

Dominic, who booked the club, would be over there, and Shannon and Rita, Blind Rita, who booked the club. It was a trashy bar pizza place. They had the worst pizza, and it's all they had. I liked it. Really? Yeah. Yeah, you didn't know pizza because you're from Boston.

And we'd hang out there. And I remember one night, I had such a crush on Shannon. Yeah. You remember Shannon? I do. She ended up marrying Robbie Prince. Robbie Prince, yeah. And God bless her.

She passed away a couple years ago. Did she? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, huge crush on her. And she was, summer wins by Frank Sinatra came on. And Dominic Ventry took her out on the dance floor and was slow dancing with her. And I was like, I was so fucking jealous.

I was like, I want to be him. him right now. And I asked Shannon out. And we actually went out once or twice. Yeah. I don't know a favorite told Robbie Princess. And then she met Robbie. Yeah. And fucking dumped the Fitzdog. Robbie was a fucking killer at that time. He won the Boston Comedy Riot. Yep. Which was the big competition. If you were a comic at the level you're talking about, the big thing was WBCN. There was a DJ named Mark Prento. We've got in a little trouble. But he's okay now. A little bit. He was a big supporter comedian.

Before we were big, he would have us into the studio. And so he produced this comedy riot, which was a competition. And they'd get big name comics to come in and judge it. I remember Bobcat, Goldfley, Barry Crimmons, like Colin Quinn, I think at one point did it. And it would go on for weeks. It was like elimination rounds and all this stuff. It was the biggest amateur comedy competition in the country. Yeah.

Yeah. I won it. No, you did it. With Alan the Monkeys. Oh. We were the first comedy troupe, improv sketch comedy troupe to win it. Wow. And everybody hated us.

Hated you. Hated us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We came in. Mark Parento loved us. Yeah, because you were a bunch of twinks. Yeah, well, we found out later why he loved us. Yeah.

He really liked Dan a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And he had us in. in the middle of the competition had us in to go on the show. And BCM back then was like stern. Yeah.

In Boston? Huge. Huge. Yeah. And we wound up winning. Damn. We won. And I remember the night we won,

I was such an addict that it wasn't enough. And I was all, I was me and my friend Donnie Bizarro. He had a four-door shitty outy. Right. And I remember, he, I go,

dude. take me to the combat zone that we went we went over in front of Dominics literally in front of Domit's it was like a windy night it wasn't like nice out

and I remember this older black hooker was walking by and I called her over to the car and I was like hey how much for a BJ she went 20 bucks and I went I got 1850 I swear this out

So she I'm in the back seat Donnie's driving She jumps in the back seat She goes move over motherfucker She's called me motherfucker I'm fucking 1850 motherfucker she's mad

So I remember I gave her the $18 And the 50 cents was a quarter Two dimes in a nickel It fell on the ground So I gave her the quarter And she goes Where's the other quarter motherfucker? And I was like I'll get it

I had to like find the dimes And nickel And I handed it two times. She's like, give me that. She took the 1850. She handed me a condom. Get that on your pecker. I'm just putting this condom.

And we're driving. And all of a sudden, I look in the rearview mirror. And I'm like, cops. And they go behind us. She hits the floor. She goes, motherfucker, we're all going to jail. If I go to jail, you come and I'm just sitting there with a hard on and a condom on my penis. And she goes, she's yelling at me.

She goes, baby, get it to the edge. Mama's going to make you come. Just get it to the edge. So I just started masturbating as fast as I can. The cops are behind me. And I'm just masturbate. Baby, get it to the edge. Mama's going to make you come.

But you got to get it to the edge for me, darling. So I just jerking off. So the cops take her right and they leave. I came. Nice. She comes up. She goes, you came? What did you come for?

Stupid? I told you just get it to the edge. Mama's going to make you come. She was let me out right here. So we let her out over one. walk over and there's a bunch of the hookers on a stoop and just here going this motherfucker just jerked off 1850 yeah i told him getting to the end and he jerked up so i'm just looking at my friend's eyes in the rearview mirror and he goes yo bro next time you want to jerk off at my back

seat i'll just drive you around my block and you can pay me you can pay me the 18 bucks it was humiliate i took this amazing night of winning the the comedy the biggest it was amazing And I ruined it with my stupid sex. It wasn't enough. And I had no money. I was starving. It was crazy. We actually wound up playing the Boston Garden because of that.

Oh, no shit. We did the rock. Every year they had at the Paradise, which is like a. Was that the Aerosmith event? No, it was the BCN Rock of Boston show. And they usually had it at a smaller venue, like a 500-seater. Right. And they were like, at the Paradise.

It's the Paradise. Right. You guys are going to play it. You're going to kill it. You're going to do your sketch improv. Right. But they changed it this year to the garden. 14,000 people.

And they put us up in between the spin doctors and fish. No. But we're such egotistical fucking assholes that we're like, cool. Yeah. We'll do it. Yeah. I mean, the spin doctors, little miss can't be wrong. I mean, at that time, we're going, we come in backstage.

We're eating with the spin doctors in the little room. And, dude, we have no. Our bathroom was the woman's bathroom. So all the hot chicks had to come through our dressing room. They have food. And we're like, yeah, we hear this. Every once in a while from the bands. Jeffrey Gaines played In Your Eyes solo.

The place just shut down. I mean, it was one of the most amazing performances ever. And he's in our dressing. We're talking to everybody. You guys, you ready? We're like, yeah. So Dane had this idea. we should all have different colored shirts.

Purple, blue, red, you know, green. Like a boy band of comedy. We didn't think about that. Yeah. It's a rock show. Right. She goes, you know what we should do. We should all squat down facing away from the crowd.

There's a big stage in the little stage. We're on the little stage on the sides. We're all facing. We're all squatted down. They go, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the improv comedy schedule. Al the Muggies. Chachi introduced us, right? Remember Chachi?

Yeah. He's like, yeah, yeah. He's like almost the gong show host. We all jump up and spin and turn to the crowd. People were like, go into a sketch called, I think it was Kung Fu Theater, where they're off Mike, Alan Dane or off Mike, and me and Jail, and they're like, oh, you, I have peanut butter here as a ricey's chocolate bar, and we bump into each other, oh, you, we just mouth it up.

You got your chocolate in my peanut butter. You got my peanut butter in my chocolate. Ooh, it's the worst fucking bit ever. It's got all these props. Nobody can see anything. You felt the air change? They start booing. Oh, no.

You got your family out there? I grabbed the mic. Everybody, Billy Burr is in the audience as a fan of the spin doctors in the bands. He's there as a music fan. was there and I remember they start it's just getting bad I grabbed this one I was kind of in shape and shit leather jacket bob

I take my shirt off I grabbed the mic because I've been on enough concerts I go what's up Boston we know you didn't come here to see comedy you came in to see the spin doctors right you came in to see fish but we we're gonna get out of here real real quick

but just give us three things that piss you off and three jobs. I'm trying to get improv. Dude, I just remember a shoe through my face. Dude, we had a runoff stage. We had a runoff. Dude, it went from the greatest night.

And I remember I'm just sitting backstage and people are walking by laughing and pointing. And I go, Dana, now we're out of here. I go, meet me out front. I got to grab my shit. So I'm out front waiting. They don't show up. I'm waiting out front of the old garden. There's a pay

phone. I got to get on the pay phone. I call them. I go, where are you? They're like, oh shit, we're home. They're back in Arlington. No shit. They left me. Right then. Goosh, the door's open. Everybody lets out. And they're like, there he is. Dude, my uncle, who's a cop had to come pick me up. It was fucking devastated. 14,000 people.

Shana, nah, nah. Hey. No, they did it. Yes, they did. Thank God. Cell phones did not. Cell phones with video were not out. If that was, if that, if cell, if there was an iPhone at that time. Yeah. This would be the most epic fail ever.

14,000 fish fans. How long between that night and the night that you guys started going solo? Well, we, well, when Dane started popping. Yeah. Yeah. We had to break that group up. We were at Hojo's one night. And he said, hey, man, I got a gig.

I'm like, but we have a gig. He goes, yeah, but my gig pays. the same amount you're, this gig pays and I got to split it three ways. Yeah.

And we were like, all right, it's done. We wrapped it up. Right, right. We had that group. I've never, even in high school, though,

I never had, I never was in a group. I was a, I could have, I would, I don't know if that's because when I was a, uh,

a punk and I went to juvie jail. And, you know, you kind of, take care of yourself. You kind of, kind of hook up with, with every group. You know, when I was in Juvie jail, the Puerto Ricans or the blacks or the whites or

the, we all kind of, I hung out in every group. So when I went back to high school, when I got out of that, got sober and I went back to high school, I hung up with the project rats. I hung out with the jocks. Right. I hung out with the Italians. I hung out with the theater nerds. I hung up with the artists. I was always kind of in, you know, I always did some art. I like the artists. I love weird people. I like the jocks. I like the jocks. because I like that fucking alpha attitude. The juvie kids, I was just, I get. I get you.

Yeah. So even in comedy, I would, I was in that group with them, but I hung up with, you know, then we had, you know, Norton and Voss and then, of course, tough crowd. And then the Opie and Anthony thing. Yeah, then the Opie and Anthony thing. And then I think of like Austin. Like, I feel like you're kind of embedded in that whole Austin community as well. Joe and Tony.

But look, I'm friends. One of my closest friends is, Gary Gullman. I love Gary so much. And he's, he's way over here in another world, you know. He's got his own world. He's got his own world.

He's got his own thing. And I love him to death. So Lenny Marcus, I used to go to luncheon at Lenny Marcus every Tuesday. Yeah. So I'm like, I don't really click up well. Right, right.

But I can be and I hang with all these different groups. Like, look at my contemporary is probably Godfrey, Pete Correlli. And then, but my. friends are Billy Burr and Patrice and, you know, Al Del Benny. Those are the guys that came up with and Norton and Voss. But I also, you know, hang out with Louis. I love Louis. I love hanging out with him and, you know, it's a different, it's like all these different groups. Yeah.

That know each other, but I don't really click up with one group. Right, right, right, right. It's not exclusive. Lewis. Yeah, now you're part of the skanks. Well, yeah. That's a whole group, too. I'm part of that, but I'm also could go have lunch with Gary and talk about, totally different things. I could go, you know, hang with Lenny Marcus. I don't really, I like all these little groups. I like them all. But I'm, you know, like Tom Papa, you know, I can hang out with that group.

I can go, I can go hang out with you and Tom and smoke a cigar and talk about family shit and have just as good a time. But I can go to Skagfest and see all that anarchy and crazy shit and hang out with Lewis and Jay and talk about that shit. Yeah, I think I think that's the way to play it in in comedy because when I was coming up, it was like the state guys. You remember like the alt state guys and, you know, Michael Ian Black and them and they had their thing and they got hot. Yeah.

And you're like, man, they got that group. And then you see that kind of just the show gets canceled. Yeah. And then they're, you know, not that they've actually all done a made. David Wayne is one of the biggest directors in Hollywood. Oh, it was huge. I remember seeing the little guy with the round eyes. I forget his name on the train when I first.

moved down. I was like, that's a famous he's from the state. And I was like, oh my God, it was crazy to me. But then the state splits up and, you know, and they all legitimately do well on their own. But yeah, and I was the same way in high school. I didn't like the clicks, but I could

roam and that was a way to go. Yeah, I could definitely roam. I go between these certain people stay in that thing. Yes. They like, that's where they're comfortable. Right. I'm never comfortable being part of I have too many different sides.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Gate Pride, I mean, this is big for you this month, right? I mean, there's that group. Another thing, dude, it's like I was one of the first comics to have trans people on my podcast. Oh, you did? Yeah, dude. I had like drag queens?

No, I had trans. Like I did a podcast at my house. I remember Bailey Jay came on. Yeah. I had her and her husband at my house when I used to do my podcast. at my house in my little one bedroom kitchen. And I remember I just contact in Westchester. Oh, this is in the hell's kitchen.

Oh. I had a one bedroom house kitchen. Yeah. And because of you, by the way, I always credit you for that. Really? I always say, I go, Fitsy, when I moved here, and I probably said this on your show before. So I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, I tell everybody, whatever money you get, you'll get a chunk. Right.

You will get a chunk. Yep. Whatever that chunk is, buy an. an apartment in New York City, if that's where. Buy a place. Because that place is going to help you buy your house. And don't over buy what you need, not what you want. And then that house will let you get that and that house.

And it's, and do for, take your dumb money. Don't buy a car. Don't buy a motorcycle. Don't buy a watch. Buy real estate, even if it's a studio in New York City. Right. That will be the foundation of all the other stuff that comes. I credit you all the time for that.

Oh, that's great. I'm glad I did that. Yeah, it's how I bought my next house, my other house, how I bought the land in the Hampshire, another piece of land, how I got the house. All that is from that one thing you said to me, you got to get a place. And that, that tourgasm money. That's great. Oh, is that where you did it?

Well, not that didn't get paid for orgasm. But I got, I had to do a tour after that was grueling. and Live Nation, love you. I did that tour and I took that money from that and did it. Yeah, I learned that. I was probably your age

and I got a development deal out of Montreal and I remember I got $160,000 development deal and I just fucking found a place at one bedroom down in Chelsea and that let me buy my house in Los Angeles.

Oh, those are the days to development deals. Did you get any of those? Just missed it. I mean, I'm the, I'm the I'm the swag killer. Yeah. And I believe the like the industry killer.

If I'm at the festival, you're not getting a puffer coat. You're not going to get a Macintosh with the logo. You're not going to get some cool fucking phone or factor delivery. You're getting a hat with those silver buckle in the back and maybe a notepad. Not even the hat that's just cloth in the back. Every festival of. every festival I should when I'm there swag is dead

they figured out that we spent too much money on swag and we don't need to do that anymore you're gonna get some type of maple syrup a little bottle and a hat and that's your swag the year before you got a Canadian goose down jacket it also went from business class to coach we used to fly us all up business class

my fault I probably did that I probably mush that And and be a bus ticket by the time you're done. I mean, the festival's over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it died. But I, yeah, I, I didn't get any of that money. And it's weird. I was talking to somebody.

Comedy right now is so, it's so, so saturated. Yes. With, um, it's crazy. And people bitch about it and everybody's doing crowd work clips and everybody wants to find a reason of why blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But they figured it out. You know what I mean? I mean, comedy was punk rock.

Yeah. Comedy was. It was anti-establishment. It was, if you were doing, if you say I'm doing stand-up comedy, your parents would be like, you need to get a job. You need a backup. Now when you say, I'm going to do stand-up, wow, that's great. Yeah. Because you can't.

Did you take classes in college? Yeah, that's how I got started. Yeah. I took an improv class and, you know, and then, you know, Rick Jenkins up in Boston taught me how to do stand-up. I took Maria Falzoni's class. Did you really? I lived with her. So she forced me to take it.

I fucking love Maria. God bless her. God bless her too. She, I don't think we left on good terms, but she let me move in with her. Yeah. After the, the id?

Yeah. I had to get a place. So I moved in with her. Yeah. I rented a room. She's like, I'm teaching a comedy class. I want you to take it.

And I was like, I don't want to. She's unique, I want you to take it. So I took it. And I got in a fight with Greg, what was his name? No. Black guy? Fitzgerald.

Dave Fitzgerald was one of the, the speakers. God bless him. God bless him. Dude, everybody we know is dead. We're so old. Dude, everybody's dead or dying right now. I remember Wally

Wally Joyner came up from New York to headline the duck soup. Yeah. And Dave Fitzgerald was the feature act ahead of him. Dave got a fucking two-minute standing ovation. He used to crush.

Crush. Crush. Oh, my God. I got a big fight with him at that class. Because he's like, well, you're going to get seven minutes of clean material. Yeah, yeah, he's all about that. And I was like, yeah, but I'm not clean. I just, you know, all my whole life is about doing comedy and getting laid.

That's all I think about. You know, I went to Juvie Hall. I fucking say fuck. I mean, well, he's a mailman during the day. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And we got a big fight.

I was like, yeah, but I don't, I don't, your life is that. I don't give a fuck about. evening at the improv. I don't want to be on that. I want to, you know, and we argued back and for, well, you're not going to make it to this business. And I was like, what a shit thing to say to me. Yeah, yeah.

And he's dead and I'm still doing it. So I was right. Somebody else is delivering his mail. Yeah. But he was, yeah, he was married with kids. And he was a big sober guy too, though. He was good about, he would sponsor a lot of young comics who were getting sober. Yeah, he was good.

He was sober. Yeah. But no, with that advice, you know. I really, I catch myself sometimes. I don't give advice. I mentor a lot of comics. You know, like I bring kids on the road. I read their scripts.

I try to get them in at the clubs, whatever. But I really don't try to give them too much advice because, like, you can't. What works for me is not going to work for you. It's stage time. It's going to be different than yours. Everybody's different. And stage time is the only thing that prevails. The stage filters people out.

Yeah. It filters them out. Yeah. And it's like, you know, right now there's so many comics. And it's, it's somebody can go on Instagram and get two million followers by doing stuff and sell out a room with all those people. So it's like I can't, I don't have that ability. I have to sell it on my reputation.

I have to get people to know that I'm there and I have to have repeat customers bring more people. Which means you got to do a different act every time. Because if you, like Chris Rock once said this, if you do an hour and you crush, people are going to come back and see you. Right.

If you do that same hour, they're going to laugh again, but they're not coming back to see again. Well, here's the thing with him, though, that they don't tell you is that he can take a year off and not tour. He's a millionaire. Right.

So you can take six months off. A millionaire. Well, whatever. You know what I mean? It's like these guys who are millionaires, multi-millionaires. Yeah. Can take a year off and just do the seller. Right.

And just do that. This is how we make our money. We have to go back. Or journeymen. We have to go back to that club next year because I have to, I'm paying my bills. Yeah. So, yes, it would be great to take six months off or a year and just, just work on a new hour and have that new hour and just go tour it.

Yeah. Call my guy up. Hey, put me at this. Yeah. I have to go, dude, try to get me in that club. You know, I like when those guys talk about their strategy of touring and what size rooms and which markets. And I'm going like, here's my strategy. My agent calls me with a gig and I go, yep.

Yeah. And I always go, can we get a little more? And then he'll text me back. they're a little tight. I mean, the funny thing is, a lot of times I do get more. By asking my agent, can I get more? And then I go, how can you not just ask for more? Yep.

Yep. And then I got, I can tell you the guy's name. How about this? When they call you up with a worse deal than last time you were there. Yes. And you're like, hey, can I do? Last year I did just Friday and Saturday. You added Thursday and Sunday.

and it's the same money could we just do what we did last year and they go oh cool and they come out are you just doing Friday I'm like you didn't think of that you didn't think of well because you know my agent has

big clients and I just think the amount of time it takes him on my deal is the same amount of time it takes to do Anthony Jesselnick's deal and it's a different was that a bad name to bring up with you Anthony? Yeah no why he's got beef with a lot of New York

comics yeah but it's all it's all that's his thing it's it's i you know what i mean it's uh he's he likes to have beef yeah he's apologized a bunch of times too for saying stuff he was like i dude i would hate to have beef with comics yeah that's that to me is like i just have x amount of energy in the in my life because some people don't have empathy yeah some people don't care some people go to Reddit and just deep dive right read terrible shit about them I I refuse to go on Reddit some people can go read bad stuff but other people and they're like ah they it's a thing inside of some people they yeah the things that people say don't penetrate yeah and uh or they they can really hide it I'm too hypersensitive to deal with that shit I'll go murder people yeah I'll just

go find that one person yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't have time for that show. Marin did a really funny episode where he had somebody hate on him online and he got obsessed. And so he found the kid. And he goes down and the kid's like in Orange County and he's like, you know, because Maron's not a tough guy. He's not going to beat the guy up, but he's just going to face him. So he knocks on the door and this kid lets him in.

And he's like, you know, the kid's like 15 years old. And he comes in and he walks in and he's like, yeah, I'm Mark Marin. And the guy goes, yeah. He's like, you've been writing that shit about me. He's like, yeah. And the kid's playing. He's on a fucking Nintendo with his friends. Yeah.

And there was no pushback. There was no hatred. Yeah. And he just realized like, yeah, these people that write this shit, they're not big, mean monsters. They're just fucking zeros that are trying to get a little bit of attention. Yeah, but they're trying to write something that if you always look at it in joke form, they're trying to be funny.

Yes. They're all trying. They don't have control of their sarcasm. Yeah, they have no governor. Right, right. But they're trying to write it in joke form. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Which you, as a comedian, it's like, I get you trying. We set you up for this. Yes. We let you in on the back, how we treat each other. Right. And you're just doing that to me. But we don't have any history. We have no history.

So it connects to me and like, fuck you. I always write thanks question mark. It's, it's, it's, it's, uh, Yeah, and we came up with no social media. Yeah. We didn't have that. You didn't have your response to your act was immediate right after you had done, whether you sucked or not. And then there was also, I remember, you were part of a group that used to do comedy court.

Was that you? It was Colin Quinn and Keith Robinson. We would bring you to comedy court. If you did something, I got taken to comedy court. I had Big Jay open for me on the road of colleges, three of them. and I paid him 300 bucks each

no no no oh no no I paid him for the for the whole duration and he came back and he was at the cellar with Keith

and all them and Keith's like how was it with Bobby and he's like that was great we had a great time and had a lot of fun and he goes

how much did he pay you which is a ridiculous it's nuts yeah it's you just start in trouble. And he goes, 300. He goes, ah, 300 a night. That's not, that's all right. He goes, oh, no, no, no, no. Three hundred total. Because Big Jay didn't know. Big Jay thought it was great. Yeah. And these are like tri-state area gigs you're driving to? No, no, these were far. These are

colleges that were pretty far away. But I'm driving. No, let me take that back. He was driving. But I was paying for gas and feeding that fucking big motherfucker. And feeding that fucking big motherfucker. And I was only making a thousand a show. All right. They didn't know that. And so we had to go to comedy court. I had to go to the back table. I think Patrice was my lawyer.

And Keith was the judge, I think. And I got found guilty of taking advantage of a young comic. And I think I was ordered to pay him more money than I never paid him. That's something. Yeah, it was a comedy court. And they would also do it over a bit, right? If you did a hacky bit, they'd put you in front of the court. They smashed me.

I used to fuck the stool. Yeah. I used to fuck the stool. Jay Moore would make love to the stool. And then Macya would drink the same stool. We'd use it as well. But when they would watch me on the TV, they had a little TV in the cellar back of me and they would watch me.

And as soon as I started fucking the stool, they'd all come down and sit in the back. And they just start pumping. Eh, uh, and they, they bullied me out of my fucking stool bit. Yeah. That's amazing.

Yeah. It was, we, we did police our own back in the day. I don't think that's really done it. No, it's not. No.

And if you had a bit that was similar to somebody else's bit, you got fucking bounced out of the business. You couldn't do that shit. Not that guy. Guys would kick your ass if you did their bit. Yeah, you'd get into a big fight over it. All right.

this time for a thing called fastballs with fits all right i don't like the title either well i didn't this is the problem what you fits this is why you're because you get we're raised in this thing where we we're already you've already decided what i think of the title of that name yeah and you want to make it so that you're not responsible so i'm not going to fuck with you like you already said in your head bobby's going to think this is gay yeah It's a dumb, corny thing. Right. And he's going to do it, but I don't want to take the hit for it.

Right. Right. But this is something you do every week on your podcast. Yes. And all the people, if I was like an actor, hey, this is something we're doing. It's called, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to, you think that I'm going to think it's stupid, hacky and gay.

Yeah. Right. I gave you a pause before I defended. Gave me the pause. Then you defended it. You didn't take it. I didn't. I didn't say anything.

Yeah. I didn't. But sometimes that's worse. You have a look at it. your eye that sometimes goes, I'm not even going to justify that with an insults. No, it's 100% hacky gay bid. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm kidding. I'm fine. Let's do it. All right. Who's the worst opener you ever had in your career? God. Okay. I know exactly where it is.

It's Wisconsin, Appleton, Wisconsin. Sure. The comedy attic? Or? Comedy. Yeah, one of those. Yeah. I was headlining on I was headlining the club in the condo and I went I brought my Sony

PlayStation that's when it first came out and you know people I brought my Sony PlayStation and I got there and I hooked it up in the in my room and I went out to get some food and I came back and the Midler had it in his room. He's just on the floor playing my Sony PlayStation. I walked in. I was like, oh, he brought his Sony PlayStation too. I'll go get, I'll tell him. I got mine.

I went in, it was mine. And I went, I go, hey, first of all, who the fuck are you? Second of all, why is my gaming system in Europe? He goes, oh, man, I'm your feature this weekend. I'm going to, I thought, you weren't here. I was going to just use it for a little bit if that was cool. I go, not fucking cool. Put it back in my room and go fuck yourself.

He went in your room. Went in my room. Wow. Went in my room and took it out and put it in his room. Damn. I was befuddled. Yeah. And then all weekend long, he would have, like, he had people over the condo.

And they had muddy feet. I had to, like, I'm looking down and they were like really strict about this condo. Like you had to do your dishes. Yeah. It's why I hate condos. You have to do this and that. And I had, I was on my hands and knees. scrubbing mud out of a carpet for this piece of shit.

Scrubbing like the dirt out. Like I was a like a maid. Yeah. Like at five. Which by the way, the feature should not be having people over either or having anybody in the green room. No. Dude,

this kid was a nightmare. Yeah. Fucking nightmare. All weekend long I hated his guts and I wanted to fight. Like I wanted to beat the shit out. Yeah. He was terrible. And I think, I mean, I've had a lot of bad ones over the years,

but I would say that was the one that I still have hate. Like, I still have a ticket of hatred for. Have you ever not finished a set on stage? Wow. Like what? Like left early? Yeah, didn't do your time. Well, not by choice.

I was doing a college one night. And it was, I don't know, they were having some weird, you know, called sleepover party in the gym. some stupid shit. And it was like 12 at night. And I went up and, you know, I'm a little dirty. And I went up and it's all these kids in sleeping bags. Pajamas.

And old dick joke Bob came up. You're probably 34 years old at this point. And nothing in common with these 19-year-olds. I'm holding the mic and I'm, ah, I just, nothing. And they're offended. and they're in their sleeping bag he's like looking up like they're watching a horror movie and I just feel the

the girl who booked me grab the mic hey give it up for Robert Kelly everybody and she pushes me back I'm like wait I she said I'm like but I didn't in the middle of a bit and she pushes me back she goes all right we're going to start the movie's coming on

grease too in just a couple minutes popcorn's ready and she comes back and she walks by me she goes She hands me the check. She goes, here, go. And I was like, all right. I'll fucking leave.

Yeah, that one hurt. Hands you the check in a restraining order. You feel like you can get them, even though you're not getting them. But I've never not. I've done exactly the time. Isn't it amazing our instinct, no matter how bad the situation. It's like, I'm doing a corporate date tomorrow night. And it's going to be 60, like, big time managers at one of the big,

brokerage firms in a restaurant that's great though I'm gonna bomb do it broke I got to be clean oh fuck off the problem is why clean in front of those guys it's probably some women it's probably it's probably whoever hires you their job is on the line yeah so you know I get that I respect that I even text the guy today like I said I brought a suit should I wear the suit or should I just wear like a button down shirt because I just wear a button down Like, that's how nervous I am about this because we care. Like, I don't care what to see. It could be kids in sleeping bags.

It could be corporate executives and suits. Like, if we don't do well, that will live in our head for at least a day. Usually, it can sleep it off. But for the rest of that night, you are going to feel like a piece of shit. People don't understand is that you go through, you go through a whole relationship in the time when you broke that. gig to the beginning, hey, we're so excited. We love you. We saw you here.

We want you to do this. I'm blah, blah, blah. Hey, what's that? And you become friends with that person who booked you and they're calling you and they're excited. And then when you go to the gig, it's like, all right, we got this. We got all this. We got all this.

And you're like, oh, this is all. And then you go out. And then when you bomb and it goes bad, that relationship you have with this human being is over. Yeah. And they treat you. like you were dating. Right.

They avoid you. And then they, okay, okay, great, I have to go. And you're like, but we were 30 minutes ago, we were the besties. Right. You gave me a hug today. You hugged me and said, I can't wait. You were so excited. But her job is on the line now.

And now you'll never use Adele computer for the rest of your life. Every time you see Adele computer, you just get a little bit of a pit in your stomach. I did one a year ago. and I bombed so bad. They had a party with 300 people down in Tribeca, and they had four rows of chairs in a stage, and everybody else was talking. So during the whole show, it was just this,

I mean, a full room of people talking, and me on the microphone. And I started, it got so bad, I started fucking with this Asian guy with a bomber jacket on. And he was the head of the company. And at one point he went, he went, pick somebody else. And I went, he took all my funny and sucked it out of my soul. And I turned into a regular human being.

And I just went, hey, all right, guys. I had no more confidence. You don't feel any funnier than anybody else in the room. You just happen to have the microphone. I just remember two girls. stilts in Brazilian festival things started walking by and I go I go hey it gets the show's over oh that girl booked me best friends oh she didn't even say goodbye she had somebody else give me the check yeah yeah it's I did I did one in Lake Tahoe and I get there and it was like a weekend

retreat for a bunch of people they were like sales reps so they had that up you know they're there to party and get laid and so I'm in a ballroom down by the dock of where they they went out on a booze cruise and they'd already been partying all day they got on a booze cruise they're out there for like three hours they come pouring off the boat and they're supposed to come in and sit down no and take their energy from here down to here for me to tell jokes and uh it got to the point where a guy started playing music and the people in the back started dancing during the show that nobody was listening to oh and i did every minute of that fucking time and i did every minute of that fucking time and then i went lost half the money gambling i will do to the exact second that i'm getting

yes yep you don't know comics you don't know us i will do the time i will take the lashings yep i will take the humiliation my confidence will be on the floor i'm getting that check yep if you unless you take that mic out of my hand and now it's on you yeah i will sit in front of those kids and talk about my dick and fuck the stool for 13 more minutes unless you ended. It's almost like a standoff. Yeah. When you're bombing, I will bomb. Yeah.

But I'm getting, I'm not bombing for nothing. No. And I know I got my one hand grenade at the end. I know I got a minute or two where I'm going to get a laugh at the end, whether it's the stew, fucking the stool or whatever. I got that hand grenade. That's going to get me from the microphone to backstage. Right.

I did I did one where half the crowd were telling me to stop like stop like it was a rape stop no like that like a sexual assault stop and the other half was just bros going do fucker keep going I did my time I got my check and I'm leaving and I I lost my check on the floor I had to go back I had to go back in And find the check. It was humiliating to go back in and see, yeah, it's, those are the worst. Yeah. Corporate kings are the worst.

Yeah. But they pay so good. They pay really good. I tell you, you say we're artists. We're whores. We're whores. We're whores. And there's two.

There's this one, same company in July. They got another one for me. Yeah. So I know if I tank this one hard, they're going to cancel that second one. Yeah. But you know if you do good on this one, you might tank that next one. I don't care. Then I've gotten both checks.

You'll never be, you can never be comfortable in that situation. No. But then I'm also thinking if I kill both, maybe there's more of these down the road. This is a big company. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Tom Papa, how much, you know, many corporate dates Tom Papa does?

I know, but it's for big money. Tom Papa, though. Yeah. It's a different animal. Yeah. Tom Papa was made for corporate America. Yeah. Hi.

Clean, likable. He makes bread. Smart jokes. He's made for that. You're not made for that, Fitz. You can dabble. I can dabble. You can dabble.

Yeah, one of them can get thrown in my path once in a while. But who knows, Bobby? Maybe that's my next path. Because you and I used to do college shows, which were big paychecks. Those were college kids when they were like Animal House. Those were college kids before they, you know, you had that little. The little tiny woke crowd that would never show up, they'd go do some type of theater rehearsal somewhere.

And the college kids would come. Right. And they were fucking great. Yeah. You could do whatever you wanted. Right. And it was just awesome. But sometimes you got the cool kids didn't go to comedy.

And so it was like the nerds. And I think it was like the theater people, just the opposite. I found sometimes the cool kids were like, comedy night. Yeah. I would bring the bro dudes. And I love that. And then I knew it was coming to an end.

I was at Columbia one night. And I did a joke. And it wasn't even that offensive. Yeah. And a girl stood up, an Asian girl. She goes, that is offensive. And I think we should all be. And she got everybody.

And I was like, wow, this is over. This is done. One chick got the whole room to not like me. And I saw like guys put their heads down. Yeah. It's over. It's over. Now, I did a show in the Midwest.

I'm nice to do the show about how when I was in college, I was on the crew team, the rowing team, but I didn't know much about the sport except what I'd seen in those ancient Roman slave ship movies. So I showed up for the first day of practice with a huge drum and a whip. But we won the league that year. And we also captured one of Harvard ships

and sold them off the slaves in the Adriatic Sea. Do that today. All right. Right. Right. No, but I did that. So these two black women stand up and they go, you're not coming here and talking about slavery and you don't know anything about black people and blah blah. And I said, man, I said it was a Roman slave ship. I said they were white. They were white slaves. I know you know that there were white slaves, right? And they go,

and they just, that made it worse. Then they exploded and they walked out and that one ended early. Yeah, dude, because it's so funny that there was this, I mean, I didn't know that there was only black slaves. Right. Right. Irish was slaves. Irish were slaves, the British West Indies. Yes. My little symbol for the Dolanons is an Irish guy chained to a tree.

He was a slave. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's gotten so, colleges is so sucky now. Yeah. I remember one time I did a college, we were in the basement. and they had themed, we went to the frat house after. We did the show at the frat house. We were throwing frisbees, breaking the chandeliers, went down, all the rooms were themed, like tropical. One was like a sports bar.

Dude, there was so much crazy shit going on. I was like, this is nuts. I had sex with the student advisor one time. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. You know? Yep.

It was wild. Me too. I mean, those student advisors were like, they were like, yeah, they're older than the student. Yeah, there you go. Add that in before you get caught. But I also started when I was like, you know, I was doing the colleges when I was probably 23 years old.

I was 24. I was like 28, 29. Yeah. Colleges was my thing. Yeah. I remember a student advisor made me have sex with her. Yeah. Right.

She was like, can you meet me in my room? I was like, all right. Kimmer, she was just naked. I was like, hey, here we go. Fucking weirdo. I'm pretty sure you're a lesbian, but let's do this. I'm 98% sure you are you will be. be with women for most of your life. But if this is what you want, I'll do it. Yeah, I'll be your,

I'll be your Cota. Yeah. So one time I did one in North Dakota, and I'm leaving Minneapolis, and I'm driving from Minneapolis to North Dakota. And I get on, there's like this one road that gets to my not North Dakota, and it's two lanes, and there's nothing but feels around. So I start driving, and so I have, it's going to take two hours. And it's the afternoon and I'm going snowstorm comes in, but I'm talking a fucking North Dakota Blizzard comes in and I'm halfway down this road. There's no there's no exits. There's no choices.

You're just on this road and it gets to be white out conditions and the road is covered and the road is the same height as the fields next to it and I can't see shit and I finally go like, all right, I can't fucking drive anymore. So I pull over into what I think is the shoulder. and I just wait and this 18 wheel I come screaming down and I see him in my rear rear mirror

and I was like all right please don't fucking hit me and I'm like holding onto the wheel waiting to get rear-ended by a truck and he goes past me and I jump in behind him and I stay just close enough where I can see his taillights

and that's my fucking I'm like an airplane just trying to land and I'm locked in and I'm following him and then I'm thread light starts to turn pink and then they fade and then they disappear. I was I was going too slow and I

lost them. Oh no. So I pulled over the shoulder again. Another truck came by holding on waiting to get hit and I followed that motherfucker all the way to mine on North Dakota. It took so long. I got there and the show was starting in five minutes. My hands are trembling. Yeah. And I get on stage and it was jammed because nobody could leave campus. So like everybody that normally would have gone to the bars whatever, came to the show. And I go up. And you know, you got that energy. And sometimes you just crush.

Yeah. Just because you're so, like, your emotions are there. And so I finished it. And they go, hey, we got like another 300 kids that want to see a show. Can we pay you again and you do a second show? And I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we can do that.

So, and then I got snowed in there. I was there for two days. Wow. And the place I stayed was on campus. And so, like, for two days, I was kind of like the hero on campus. but it couldn't leave. That's great. Yeah.

That sounds like a little short film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I did NACC Northeast and the big one. Well, NAC if people don't know, it's a convention where comedians perform and all the kids from the schools come. They buy you. They rent you. Yeah, they'll go there. They see shows and they buy the shows.

And I did Northeast. And five minutes before I'm going out, you have to be clean. You have to do this. And all the comics are bombing. They're bombing. You're around 50 schools at this one. And I tell my agent, I go, I'm doing my act. I'm not cleaning it up.

I'm doing me. If I get one school, at least it's a school that knows what they're getting. I can't go out there and give them this and then want to give him that. Right. And he's like, please, this is big. This is Matt Frost. No, this is Matt Frost company, but I was with Brian Billig at the time. And he's, Bobby, please, just do what you prepare.

It's going to be. I go, no. I'm doing my act. I go out murder. The next day, buddy, I think I was out of that yet, but maybe.

I just did. I swore, I did all the stuff I'm supposed to do. And the next day, there's 50 schools in the room and they go, Robert Kelly,

49 hands. I got 49 out of 50. Which is great. But what happens then, it was like this epic thing. I was on the cover of the NACA magazine that year, right? I was like this never like it was this big thing in the

but what happens then people don't know is that you give $5,000 for one school but if this school says hey we'll book them the next night yeah if it's a college that it's within an hour away it's called block booking block booking so they all blocked with me so now sometimes you get seven schools in seven days I'm only making a thousand dollars and now it's I mean now it's not even where I'm going Bing

Bing Bing Bing doing a noon show and a cafeteria Another club that night. It was so, dude, I lost feeling in my pinky. It was in the winter time, too. I lost feeling in my pinky in this finger because I was gripping the wheel, driving through snowstorms. I remember driving through a whiteout in the Honda Civic. I got to get there.

I got to make this thousand dollars. And I remember I saw on the other side of the road a truck jackknife. And it's coming at me. Oh, shit. And I just close my eyes. And as I go through, it hits the Jersey barrier, smashes into it. And you just heard rocks tinglinglingling off the back of my. I just made it.

You heard just gravel from the Jersey barrier in this accident. Ting, ting, ting, right? Of the back of my car. And I get to this school. I gained, I think, 60 pounds. At the end of the time, I remember just putting a towel over my stomach and eating LoMaine off of my stomach in the rooms. Because it was so fucking intense.

It's so depressing. I had my friends, two of my buddies from college, like two of my closest friends. They're like, and, you know, we're like 20, 26, and I'm single. And I lined up one of these tours where it was like 10 days and it was like noon in this cafeteria. That night, three hours away in another place. And they go, hey, we're going to club med. and it's all you can drink and it's blah blah blah and I was like all right I really want to go but I got these fucking schools lined up and I can't cancel them and so I go on this tour and it's you're staying in motel you're not stay in hotels you're in motels which means you park your car and you got a key and you open the door

Lee Burr calls him the serial killer buffet, where a serial killer will come up and be like, do I want a chubby Italian? Right, right, right. Do I want a little Irish stew? Yeah. And now the door has a crack under it. And you wake up to guys starting their cars with their exhaust going under your fucking. And I remember there was a key that had a piece of wood this big attached to it and a fly swatter on the TV.

And so I'm staying in these kinds of rooms. And all I'm thinking about is my friends at ClubMed getting late and drinking, you know. And I swear to God, this is the closest I ever came of suicide. Like I was I was looking in the closet about I think I can hang myself from that. I got that close. I was just going to kill myself of food, dude. I remember I was coming out of a wah-wah one night. Yeah.

Because I would do the gig and then drive to the next gig that overnight should the traffic and then stay at whatever motel that day and then do, you know, leave. that night after the show. I was in a Wawa, I think it at like three in the morning. And I got, and they had, I remember they had turkey, turkey with gravy meat, meatballs, they had all this meat. Yeah. So I bought, I don't know, $50 worth of just meat in these big containers.

And as I'm walking out, the lady went, sir, I went, yeah, what's up? She goes, is that all for you? And I went, why? She went, I just had double bypass surgery. And I don't think you eating all that meat and gravy is going to be good for you, sir. And I went, I literally went, dude, I got like six guys back at the room. I'm sharing all this, not just for me. This is for a party we're having.

She's like, oh, okay. I thought it was for you. Because you only ask for one fork. I went back to the room and fucking by myself just thinking of this poor lady that tried to save my life. Yeah, those colleges are bad, dude. Jesus. And now they don't do them.

My college agent was in Chicago and he came out to my show when I was at the Den Theater last month. And I go, how's it going? You got new comics. He's like, he's like, nobody does comedy anymore. He go, they do hypnotists. They do interactive, like, arts and crafts things at night.

They literally, there's no stand-up guy. Well, because it's offensive. If you're like Pete Day, like, they'll get like the Saturday Live guys to come in for, you know, 50 grand a pop, but they don't do the kind of stuff. Greatest colleges I've ever did. The funnest time ever.

What's the hackiest bit you've ever done? Shit, I've had a lot of hacky bits, dude. Here's the problem with hacky bits. Like, I thought I was really good and I've gone back to watch my stuff. Yeah. And I'm like, how come nobody told me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like when I was fat, like, nobody was like, hey, man, you're going to die?

No, we told you. No, you talk behind my back. No, I used to do fat jokes. You'd get offended. It was always amazing to me that you were as fat as you were and you actually got hurt by fat jokes. It's like, what do you mean? It hurts. I mean, you're very mean, dude.

That is so weird. That's like if someone has AIDS and you're making AIDS jokes. Hey, dude, what's going on? You're still here, dude? I mean, and it sucks coming from fucking peeky blinders body. You couldn't get fat if you tried. You couldn't get fat if you tried. It's not fair.

It's not fair. Yeah. You could never be fat. I could go to Wawa and get that food. Whatever you want. You got that little Irish fucking Mick Wiery. Hey, hurda, hey, hooter. You know, I got, I got that fat guinea part of me, too.

That fucking. Yeah, the Italian beat the Irish guy in the. Yeah, the Italian, just that thing drove under my armpits. But I say, I mean, look, the hat, I mean, I got a couple, dude. One of them, so funny, I did the Byron Allen. No, you did it. Comics, what is it? Unleashed?

Or as Norm MacDonald say, the most leashed. Did you do it recently? No, no, no, no, no. Years, when he first came out, I was in L.A. You know, and it was like, everybody was doing it. I did it. And I just remember, I remember. And look, Byron Allen, you know, whatever it is.

Nice. I remember somebody was fucking with me backstage. I was looking for a pen and a piece of paper. And she was like, I can't. And he literally was like, hey, he's a comic. Get him what he needs. Oh, all right. he really stuck up

for the comics you know yeah and I'm not just saying that because he's the richest guy I would do the bit because we got like three minutes left all right well the bit was

I did two bits one of my first bits was my grandmother had two thumbs on one hand is that true yeah she made a great pie crust

I took her to see a movie she loved it she gave it two thumbs up They hired her for Ash Wednesday. She could do two people at a time. That one. And then the other one was. Greatest hitchhiker in the country. Dude, I wish you were around to fucking, that's great.

That's a good one. I might use that. And the other one was I did, Byron Allen. And I did, it was killer at the time. I thought I was genius, but it's not. I said, I used to, I go home and I love baby talk when you go home. I love, I'm a tough guy.

But when I go home, I'm killing it. But when I go home and I'm like, yeah. Can I have some hot chocolate? Because I have some hot chopperopolis with marshmallows. It's on fire now. We just watched it on the bonfire. And now when I'm at, I was at a show a couple weeks ago,

and these big macho guys came in with marshmallows on this shirt. And every once in a while during my settle here, marshmallows. So I'm paying my price for that. That's good. All right. Let me get your dates in before we get comments. off.

Governors in Long Island, June 19th and 20th. How you doing? September 26th is a Brooklyn improv? I didn't know that. Just opened. Heard's really nice. Mother ship July 3rd through 5th.

I literally did those dates last year. Was it bad? No, it was good. Oh, good. It was good. Love that club. Port Smith, New Hampshire, Saratoga, Toga Springs,

Port Charlotte, Florida, Laugh Boston, Skank Fest. I'll see you at that. Go to punchup. com. Live slash Robert Kelly. All my dates are up there. Dude, what a pleasure.

I fucking love hanging out with you. I love hanging out with you too. I was just talking about you last week about like probably one of the funniest stand-up comedians like in the fuck, in the game, really. Thank you so much. You murder. Because physically you don't look like you will. No.

Physically you look like you're going to be taught something or some type of horse shit's going to be said at some point. Guys, let me take a moment. Like at one point of your acting to be like, can I just take a moment right now? And you're going to go to some like one-man show, horse shit. shit but a murderer you are a murderer you're like you're when they talk about standups from Boston yeah you're one of those guys yeah thanks brother I'm proud to be part of that brotherhood we had we had a good crop come out of there absolutely absolutely all right thanks man

all right buddy good to see if it's good to see you