Fitzdog Radio - Brad Williams - Episode 1034

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

For the holidays I got the gift of Brad Williams on my podcast. He is a master storyteller and such an amazing guy. Follow Brad Williams on Instagram @BradWilliamsComic

Welcome to FitzDog Radio. Merry Christmas to you. Happy Hanukkah, or as my friend Anthony Clark used to say, or if you're an atheist, brr, sure is cold out there. Welcome to the show. This is coming out, I guess, Christmas Eve, maybe? Christmas Day. Today's the 18th. Oh, no. It's coming out on, I think, Christmas Day. Anyway, so we're getting it done early so that Midcoast Media can have a nice little vacation. My guest today, Brad Williams, is truly one of my favorite guests on the show.

He's just so fucking smart and funny and comes to a podcast ready to play, ready to give you something. That's all I ask. Some people, it's like, did you not want to be here? Is your publicist got a gun to your head? What's going on? So anyway, we're getting ready for the holiday. Like, did you want it? Did you not want to be here? Is your publicist got a gun to your head? What's going on?

So anyway, we're getting ready for the holiday. We got nine people in the house right now. My in-laws, John and Pat, who flew in from South Africa. They are my sister's brother and his wife, who I fucking adore. The whole family I adore. They're just the best people. Super smart, very educated, but also very outdoorsy, very tough, very capable. Real South Africans. The sister-in-law is from South Africa, so they basically moved the kids there when they were, they lived in New

York city until they were, the kids were probably, I don't know, six and nine or something that may be a little older. Um, and her brother's a, uh, a shooter. He's a videographer, you know, a cameraman DP on projects shoots in nature. He like he's got one of these Hummers that goes into the jungle. He shot the first hippopotamus birth live in nature that had ever been recorded before, like goes into the Amazon for three weeks. Fucking tough guy. And and he shoots narrative films also. He's won some awards. then his wife pat is in development she develops tv and film in in south africa so we've been out to visit them a couple

couple times going back out this christmas where uh just between us it's a secret but liam who is uh our nephew is going to propose to his beautiful girlfriend and so we're going to fly out for that for the wedding assuming she says yes we don't know that she's saying yes but they live together so we're assuming um and then the his brother rowan we i've talked about him on the podcast before because he, he stayed with us a lot, uh, last year. He's a guy who played rugby in South Africa, got arrested, big, tough dude. And he, uh, he decided he wanted to be a Navy SEAL. He decided he wanted to be a Navy SEAL. So to do that, he had to renounce his South African—he had dual citizenship in the U.S. and South Africa. But to join the SEALs, he had to renounce his South African citizenship. So he does it, goes out for the SEALs, makes it through six, eight months of training.

And then in the final cut during Hell Week, he missed an open ocean swim by like four seconds and got cut. And so, but he had to do his four years in the Navy because he tried out for the SEAL. So they lock you in. And now he's at Columbia University in New York on the GI Bill. So he goes to school for free. The government pays him like four grand a month to go to school. And, uh, so he's coming out. Um, we, uh, I usually spend Christmas back in New York with my family, all my cousins. I'm very lucky. Like my side of the family, love the relatives, love my wife's side. We're very fortunate.

And most of them live in New York. Erin's mom is flying out. She has a 9 o'clock flight, so she'll be waking up at 4 and then leaving for the airport around 5.30. And then she will sit in the airport for three hours because she gets nervous. I usually spend it in New York with my family, and my mom's apartment has this kind of community room with a kitchen and a dining room and a pool table in the basement. And so everybody comes out, we get like 50 people,

all the cousins and the nieces and nephews and this phenomenal amount of drinking. There is, uh, uh, you, you know, that the party's over. One of my cousins, uh, husbands begins grabbing everybody's balls and that's when we all go, all right, it's time, time to wrap it up. and that's when we all go, all right, it's time. Time to wrap it up. He's had 27 beers. The food is bland.

There's plenty of it, but it's all white. It's like cauliflower and mashed potatoes and white turkey and macaroni and cheese. Everything is white and somewhat flavorless. Although we've,

we've energized, it's gotten better. It's food has gotten better in the last five or 10 years. And then I was thinking about my childhood Christmases. We used to go down to the Bronx and we would go to my grandfather's house that my mom grew up in. And we would have all my cousins come down from Long Island and Westchester. And it was just, I have these like very visceral memories of his house, my grandfather's house. It was one, two, it, three stories, four stories because it was an attic. But each floor was maybe 15 by 20.

I don't know. I'm making up numbers. But small, small. These were little houses with little backyards. And we would go down to the basement. All the kids would be relegated to the basement. And we would go down there and we would um uh he had like he had tools he worked for the electric company and he had these tools and he would have like uh lay up and he uh my nephew wants to come in uh and he would have these tools and he would have like all his screws and bolts in mason jars and the lids would be

screwed into the underside of the shelf and everything smelled like ginger ale and whiskey the whole house and then turnips boiling turnips those were the smells i could remember and my grandfather would at dinner would recite irish lyrics he grew up in ireland he over when he was, I think he was about 16 when he came over. And he would recite all these Irish limericks and all my mom and her sisters would do them with him. And it was pretty special. It was pretty amazing. And I remember one year, my cousin, Danny Mulligan, he tried to hang with us, like the older cousins. We were like 14, 15, He tried to hang with us like the older cousins. We were like 14, 15, and we were drinking.

We would grab half-drank drinks in the kitchen, and we'd grab a bottle of whiskey, and we'd go to the basement, and we'd drink. And Danny was younger than us. He was only like 12, 11 or 12, and he would drink whiskey. And then one year, he got so drunk, he went into the bedroom where all the coats were on the bed and he vomited all over the coats. Merry Christmas, everybody. And this is back in the day when my mom had a fur coat. My aunt had a fur coat. Try getting vomit, an 11-year-old's vomit out of that fur.

So, yeah, that's it. We got New Year's Eve coming up. I will be in Milwaukee at the Improv, December 29th through the 31st. Den Theater in Chicago, January 13th. Atlanta Punchline, January 18th through 20th. Then in February in Portland. In March in La Jolla. In April in Tampa

go to FitzDawg.com get your tickets come out see some live comedy also if you're going to go see other live events the best way to do it I believe and I really believe this Game Time has changed the game it's an app that allows you to get last minute tickets

without stress how many times have you gone to a concert we went to see well like we're going to see the Rolling Stones now. And the prices fluctuate. And you keep an eye on it in game time. It shows you your local concerts, theater events, sporting events. And you can watch the tickets go up and down. And bam, you jump in.

And you can get amazing deals. The Rolling Stones right now is going for, let me see on my phone, $88. It was $170 a couple weeks ago. I saw it go down to $50. So they've got all these flash deals and zone deals and you can buy your tickets by looking at the seats. You can see the view from the seat on the app,

which is pretty sweet. They got a lowest price guarantee, event cancellation protection. They've got it all. So get involved with Game Time and see what you want to see. It's a new year. Seeing live things is so much more enjoyable than a physical gift. Give somebody some tickets for the holidays this year. Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code FITSDOG for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code FITZDOG for $20 off.

Download GameTime today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. Also, listen, it's the holiday season. There's a lot of things about gift giving and do you exchange gifts? Do you go on vacations? Are you giving donations? There's all this pressure, all these decisions you got to make. And really what you should be doing is just focusing on you've got your family.

They're not all going to be around forever. They get older. They move. Enjoy that time. Be in the moment. And BetterHelp is the way to help you do that. It's online therapy that is cheaper than in-person therapy, way more convenient because you don't have to get in your car, sit in traffic, find a parking spot.

You just open up your laptop and boom, you're in the room with a licensed therapist who has been matched to you. You fill out a questionnaire and they look at what issues you're dealing with and they find therapists that specialize in that. If you don't like the therapist, boom, you switch. No harm, no foul. I got hooked up with somebody amazing and we talked about cognitive behavioral therapy. I worked through some thought patterns.

I was locked in that I still struggle with, but I've released from them. My life is better. Your life will be better with therapy. I don't care who you are. Everybody's got an issue they could benefit from therapy. So give it a shot. BetterHelp is the best way to do it. And in the season of giving, give yourself what you need with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash FitzDawg today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash FitzDawg. Okay, let's get into it. My guest today, you saw him on David Tell's Comedy Underground, live at Gotham,

The Tonight Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Mind of Mancia. He's had his fourth special has just came out, and it's called About Last Night. He's got a clip from Ari Shaffir's This Is Not Happening that's got like nine million views. He's amazing. I really enjoyed this. I hope you enjoyed as much as I did. Happy holidays to you. Love to your families.

Thank you for listening. And here is the great Brad Williams. All right. So we're sitting in the brand new, I think this is called the green, green something studios. Green dog. What is it, Paul? Green lab. It's called, Paul? Green Lab. It's called the Green Lab.

The Green Lab. The Green Lab. We're kicking off the inaugural podcast with one of my, literally, Brad, I'm not just saying this. You are truly one of my favorite podcast guests. Oh, that's very nice of you. No pressure, everyone. This is going to be a top fiver of the year. We're coming in at the end of the year.

End of the year. Top fiver right here. Well, that's why you put out the Oscar pictures at the end of the year. You want them to be considered. Now you understand why I'm releasing my special on December 21st. That's right. Boy, you didn't waste any time getting your plugs, did you? No. Let's go.

This guy knows how to fucking run promo. Yes, but that's why I'm releasing my special Starfish on December 21st on Veeps. What's Veeps, you say? It's not a streaming profile. They're another streaming service that you have to subscribe to, but they have a lot of concerts there. They have a lot of comedy specials there. Didn't Bob Dylan do something with them?

Yeah, yeah, he streamed a concert on there, so you can go and you could get a membership to Veeps and you could get all the watch concerts and comedy specials, or you can pick and choose and buy them a la carte. So yours a la carte, I think, is $15, but then you own it for life. Yeah, and then you own it, and then I own it, and I own your money. There we go. There you go.

Here's the best part is that we're supporting Live Nation because they are having hard times. Very hard times. It's good to put some money in their pocket. Very hard times, Live Nation. I'm doing my best to help them out. Yeah. We were talking about charity work before the mics went live. Right.

And you help veterans that come back to this country. Yes. And a multinational corporation that is stripping away all the creativity from the entertainment world. Yes, and I'm touring through Live Nation this next year, doing a lot of their venues. And I'm just trying to feed the kids. You're right. I'm just trying to feed the kids of millionaires. If Live Nation offered me a tour and a special, I would jump all over it.

But until they do, I will just marvel at how they call it vertical integration, which is when you own from the manufacturing to the distribution. They own all the venues. They own everything. They own all the radio stations that you need to promote your shows at the venues. Yes. They manage the bands. Yeah.

They own the ticket company that sells the tickets ticket master yeah they own that and uh and then i think i i think now that i do a special with them they own my child i i think i have to change my daughter's name to live nation it's like what was that station casino or something that was like offering like oh we'll pay you 25 grand or whatever to name your kid station casino or something like that and somebody did it of course they did i'm like i never want to be i i i will happily go on only fans and and and suck all the dicks before i name my kid station casino how much money would it take and think hard about this how much money would it take? And think hard about this. How much money would it take for you, Brad Williams, to perform oral sex on a man?

Too completion, not in your mouth. Okay, so I don't have to swallow. That does factor in. It does factor in. That takes a zero off the end. Yeah, I think this is a conversation that a lot of men have. And some people go the route like no amount of money. I'm like, liar, liar.

I have a friend. He's my college roommate. We had this conversation one time and I go, how much money? Now we went all the way to gay sex. You're a power bottom. And you said nine hundred and ninety nine billion dollars. And I looked at him and went, no, you're lying to me. So someone has $998 billion on the table.

You have two kids. You say no. Okay. So I'm a realist. I look at, well, if I'm going to do that, it will be for an amount of money where I can go, you know what? I'm going to do that, it'll be for amount of money where I can go, you know what? I'm good now. And, you know, I'm not buying a helicopter, but, you know, the house is paid off. College is paid for.

I essentially don't have to work. I just have to, like, just do fun. You're saying that's how you are right now or that's where you want to be? That's where I want to be. OK, so I'm going I'm I'm going 5 million, but I'm willing to negotiate. 5 million sounds like a fair number. 5 million takes care of college house. Yeah. And then, and then going a couple of vacations, a couple of vacations. I tell the wife, Hey, I've got to go to Thailand and get the taste of dick out of my mouth. And I have a nice little

vacation there yeah and do all the things that you do in Thailand sure so funny thing I mentioned Thailand I got a haircut yesterday but it is in this new oh fancy very fancy very uh look like uh I I feel like I need a tiki torch and I'm going to be outside of a church in Charleston with this haircut. Well, you look like Jason Isbell. Is that who does that? He's a country singer. Oh, okay.

No, no, he's a great country singer. Yeah, so I'm at – and I've never been to this barber before, and she's Thai. And we start talking about – I'm going the food route. Yeah. I'm going like, oh, Thailand, the food. Oh, my God. And, you know, the Tom Yum Gum soup and something like that. And we're just going about that.

And then she does the pivot where she goes, and then the lady boys. And I'm like, I don't know if I'm allowed. She said that? Yeah. She goes, and the lady boys. Wow. Like, they're boys, but they're not boys. They're very pretty.

Very pretty. I'm just like, I don't know how to answer this. There's other dudes. It's one of those dude-ric barbershops for sports on the tv and everything so it's all dudes in there yeah and i just i i just feel them all turn around and look at me they're like how like uh neil brennan does this great bit called how liberal are you yeah and that was playing in my head like how liberal are you like oh no she didn't run up lady boys i have to be incredibly progressive but then the same time show that i'm not interested but if i was interested that's okay it's okay to be interested i'm gonna open this door because

okay i i thought you were gonna open the door because you're like behind door number one we have a lady boy no i have uh i've explored the lady boys online a little bit because I was curious. And you know what? They're gorgeous. And they bury the lead on the penis. You don't know about the penis until the top has come off. There's been some stimulation. Sure.

And then they drop the hammer. At that point. At that point point it's not five million no it's 150 bucks and you're paying it yes well i'm already here i've already done some gay stuff right it's fine right it's a you know that and like uh that and i would love to to do it for five million. I'm hoping some billionaires listening to this and they'll offer. Yeah.

Maybe someone who just has a few million over five million goes, you know what? I like that on my bucket list. Right. Fine. Yeah. I'll do it because then every time my daughter would complain about anything ever is the same way our parents had though walk uphill both ways you know nine miles through the cemetery you're like i had to take a shot in the mouth i had to stroke a long veiny cock and then of course my wife is would be shrugging like i would

you know i did that yeah like no big deal yeah after a while you wouldn't even have to explain it to your daughter you just you just mime sucking one and that would be it and then she would turn to her friends be like here he goes with the dick sucking story again and they would all roll their eyes what's the closest you ever got because i went into the woods once i was curious about gay sex okay this is a fun game yeah i like this game so i would and i was into it not on a physical level because it was not attracted to men okay i mean you're not hard on the eyes but you get it i get it i was interested because i was reading uh alan ginsburg i was reading walt whitman there was a lot of i was an english major i love that you're taking this to an intellectual level it was a totally intellectual

i'm willing to take a hard dick in my mouth but purely for the intellectual stimuli spiritual yeah it was spiritual it's like doing ayahuasca i mean it's yeah yeah yeah you go into the woods like ayahuasca you puke afterwards afterwards but there puke afterwards, but there's a lot of – so anyway, so I get into that. David Bowie. I'm into David Bowie. I'm into Iggy Pop, and they've all explored. So I'm drunk one night. I think it's my junior year of college, and my apartment is across the street from some woods.

You know the Fenway in Boston. Yeah. Not Fenway park. Oh, there's a woods behind Fenway park. A small wooded area. Every city has a small wooded area that was grown and perpetuated for anonymous gay sex. The brambles in central park in LA, you've got basically the whole Hollywood Hills, the whole Hollywood Hills, The whole Hollywood Hills.

The whole thing. Every house is just a producer in a very lavish coat. Right. A chair that shouldn't exist. Yes. And it's open. It's open. And he's open.

The garage is there. There's handcuffs. So I am drunk and I walk right into the woods. And I look around. Yeah around and it's the fall. Leaves are crunching under my feet. There's shadows flittering through the trees. Fall in Boston. Beautiful.

Crisp. Great time. Patriots had lost that day. And then all of a sudden this guy just pops up behind a tree like the magical gay elf. Like a wooden nymph. Yes, he was a wooden nymph. Like a wooden rock hard nymph. I'm pretty sure, you know, because they have bears and they have otters.

He was a nymph. He was a nymph. He had the felt triangular hat and little booties. Pan flute. Yeah, the pan flute. But his pan flute was between his legs. And he looked at me and i looked at him and then he walks up to me and i'm like i don't like i don't know how this works so he unzips his fly okay he pulls out his pulls out his cock i'm getting hard right now this is great and i'm looking at it like all right what do i do now

and then he reaches in and he pulls out his balls. And now you've got a picture. He never undid his button at the top of his fly. So now he's got balls and cock pushed out of the fly. And I just look at it and I start laughing and I go, no, like I'm not interested at all. See, he went too far. And I just. Icarus flew too close to the sun. Too close to the sun is when he got burned. When he pulled out the balls

yeah that that was him going i could fly a little bit higher that's right if you just left it at shaft it would have been probably a done deal probably would have been a done deal but once the balls get out yeah oh now it's real yeah and the balls are the balls are like as much as the dick is not aesthetically pleasing the balls are just no no one's had even a cute pair of balls. No. It's not. No, when you're one, you have cute balls. Yeah, because they haven't descended yet.

Yes. It's just the sack. So they're up there. Yeah. You know. So I look at them, and I just go, no. And then I get panicked because now I'm alone in the woods with a guy whose penis is out. Sure.

So I push him. And he falls down. And you commit a hate crime. I commit a hate crime. And he jumps up and he just runs back into the woods. And I stumble out like, well, I'm not gay. All right. That was it.

That settles that. So that's my story. That's your story. Brad Williams. My story. that uh uh so that's my story that's your story brad williams my story the closest i ever got was uh i i was involved in a uh devil's three-way oh see the three-way the brett kavanaugh three-way yeah see yeah with speed and all yeah my friend friends, Spee. That's a good reference if you remember the testimony. I was involved in a devil's ruin, which for those who are unfamiliar, is two men.

Two gentlemen. And two gentlemen, as we called ourselves. And a very rambunctious and a very worthy lady. Sure. Yeah. A damsel. Yeah. And a lady in every sense of the word.

And long story about how we got to the point of the Devil's Three Way, but we're there. You got there. And once you're there, you're like, like all right i'm doing this thing yeah and you know and and and don't and don't get me wrong there's there's times where i'm like look looking down and going this is great and then i look up and see a dude and go not so great anymore let me look back down oh Oh, there you go. That's good. Just focus. Yeah, just focus on that. And at some point, because the most common, you know, position in the Devil's Three Way, you got to do a little.

It's called the London Bridge. I always joke that when I did it because of the height discrepancy, it was a leaning tower of peas. He's up. He's. Yeah. Wait. So she's on all fours. Yeah. she's on all fours.

Yeah, she's on all fours. You're behind her. I'm behind her. He's in front of her. Or in front. I don't remember. Okay. I've got an opening.

Yeah. I'm doing my best with it. Take the shot. Take the shot. And he's got his. And then there comes a point where the lady says, like, now I want you guys to switch. You know, I want to have the other guy over here and the other guy back there.

Musical chairs. Yeah. And so we switched, but we did not talk about this. There was no coach with the whiteboard saying, okay, Arrow, you go here. Clockwise. Always go clockwise in a Devil's 3 way. See? And you know what?

My grandma never told me that. Yeah. And I blame her. Yeah. She was all about soup, but not the important stuff. Not the important shit. See, they didn't teach that in high school. Yeah.

So we go the same direction. And the guy has, because of the height discrepancy, once again, average size man. It's right in front of my face. Greg, it's right there there i've never been that close to a dick that was not mine it was a rouse that was a rouse rock hard yeah bam right in front of my face and there was a moment there was a moment where in my head i could just go you're already here in for a pound in for a penny why not do it say you did it joke about it later with your friends say you you get to be the guy like that when that when you go like well what are your thoughts you like okay you know how there's always the the white guy that gets caught

saying something uh not great about the black community and guilty from Boston. No idea. I didn't see that coming. Uh, and then his excuses always, I, I, I have a black friend. Yeah. I know many black people. I hang out in black neighborhoods. You know, that's all, that's always the go to soul music. Hip hop. I want to be the guy that if I ever got caught doing something that was not smiled upon by the gay community, you know, I have a misstep in some way, shape, or form. I can go back like, hey, I am an ally.

Yeah. I'm sorry, but. I've partaken. I am one of you. There's a chunk missing to this story okay you meet up with the guy yeah what happens what what do you mean there there there was a girl there greg yeah okay so what what do you mean did you touch tips was there no uh oh he did during and this is a bit my act so i apologize for but, but I'm telling the story version, not the joke version.

Okay. But there was a point during the rotation, and we went the same way, that he did, and this is very real, that he did paintbrush me. So he kind of, you know the scene from Lion King where Rafiki takes the red dust and goes across the forehead and goes Simba that essentially happened that essentially you were marked you were branded

yes I was branded there may have been some PC there may have been some remnants on my forehead and the thing is now you're in this thing of like, okay, this thing has happened. Yeah. Do you just tap out and rush to the bathroom and wash your face?

Because there's a lady there who's being very generous with her time. You're in the heat of battle. Yeah. There's no timeouts. There's no timeouts. Yeah. So you just kind of go, you just kind of like make a bookmark in your head like, okay, remember to wash your head tonight.

Right. Remember to wash your face. Right. And yeah, so I just continued the engagement. Yeah. Which was delightful. Yeah. Other than that little hiccup.

And yeah, so that's the closest I got. And I haven't really thought about it until this podcast, so that's the closest I got. And I haven't really thought about it until this podcast, but there's a part of me that goes, I should have just gone for it. Yeah. I should have just gone for it. How would my life have changed? Right.

No. And now we're too old. Now we're too old. If you're 19 and you experiment, it's sort of like Bohemian. It's free. But at 57 57 now all of a sudden it's like that show uh uh what's the one with the the old guy transitions oh transparent transparent all of a sudden you're transparent you're that guy it's kind of like who like nobody wants to hear

about me having sex with my own wife never mind another guy let alone doing some of that and uh and you know like when you're 19 you're still a spring chicken yeah everything works yep like like i i don't know how like you said you're 57. yeah yeah like i'm i'm i'm 40. and now when i when i get an erection with my wife i go all right honey we're on a clock And now when I get an erection with my wife, I go, all right, honey, we're on a clock. We can't. Right. There's no dilly-dallying.

We have to make efficient use of this time. Let's use it. This is a gift. Yes. I haven't gotten to the point yet. I'm sure you have a sponsorship with a company. I do. I've got a bedside table stuffed with blue chews.

Blue chews. Okay, good. I want to use the right thing. Now, if blue chew wants to reach out to me and send me a little starter pack. Dude, next time I come to the store, I will have some in my trunk and I will give them to you. Awesome. Yeah, they are amazing. Yeah, I talked to a friend about it. He's 44

and he uses them and he's in a similar situation as me as like hey everything works right it's fine but you know we're on it we're on a timer right like it's right you know you like set that kitchen timer and be like okay we gotta we gotta go to be no timer used to be no timer you know what my number was what's that 50 minutes that was That was how long my average sessions were. Wow. 50. Can you imagine doing that now?

She wouldn't want it. I feel bad for her. My wife is currently having sex with a 57 year old man. Do you think that was in her plans when she was younger? No. Do you think she's not revulsed by that no like think about yeah and i'm i'm not gonna ask how old your wife is but same age all right so then go back and go back to your 20 something year old greg fitz dog yeah and look at him be like hey one day

you're you're you're gonna be begging have sex with a 57 year old woman and she's gonna say no and she's gonna say no you'll be like why not because you will also be 57 that's the caveat right so you know when we have sex now it used to be oh all over the apartment yeah now it like, if it's during the day, close the curtains, turn off the lights, put on a sleep mask. Yes. Yeah. That's fine. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got the blackout curtains for sleep and for daytime loving. There's no details involved in this exchange. It just changes. But I will say this. So, yes, to your good people at Bluetooth, send me a little starter pack. It's like a little thing that lets me go, you know, let me go to the CVS or the Walgreens and make sure my blood pressure is all right.

Yeah, it does jack up your blood pressure. When I take it, I get very lightheaded for a couple hours. So I try not to take the full pill. Yeah, so it's like me with a gummy. You cut it in half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all you need. Just a little boost.

That's it. It seems like you're in the same boat as me. Everything works, but just time limit. Yeah. So we got to get a little like, you know, just, and not that we want to be doing, like we said, for 50 minutes. But you just don't want it to come around to minute eight, and you're like, ah. Yeah.

Darn it. Yep. I was doing, I was going good. Yeah, and then you got to look at her and go, it's not you. It's not you. And she's like, I didn't think it was me. I mean, you're the one with the limp dick. There's nothing wrong with this vagina.

I know what I was doing. Yeah. It was working. Yeah, it was. Well, it's got to be tough now. Your kid is what? Almost two? Four.

No. Holy shit. I know. I feel like she was just born and now she's four. Well, four is when it starts coming back to sex, right? Yeah, because now it's like you don't have to have the baby monitor on. Yeah. You don't got to be like on top of it at all times.

You know, so yeah, like now it's fine. She's not waking up in the middle of the night anymore. Like it's good. Yeah. So it's starting to come back, and that's great. So I want to make sure my wife stays with me. So got to get a little blue chew in the pez yes right now is that for for you this extended ad we're doing extended i know actually they're not currently they've been a they've been a

sponsor i need them back so like what you pot now do you have to do it like that morning and be like hopefully it happens at night 20 minutes and it lasts for 24 hours apparently wow that's great yeah yeah 20 minutes i feel like most of us know especially if it's gonna happen that night yeah we're we're aware yeah yeah also when i do what i'll do is i'll decide like look both kids are out yep um it's been a while and so I'll chew it and then I'll walk into the TV room and I'll just stick my tongue out and it's all blue and it's on she knows 20 minutes there's 20 minutes that's your signal is you coming with your Smurf tongue and go honey look what I did bam and and that and and then hopefully her reaction is okay good and not

oh okay dude she made that noise one night and i threw it in her face i i was like you want to fall and she went i go what i and i that was a 15-minute discussion that she should never like there's so many ways to say no yes as a woman because let's be honest like i don't know what what percentage of time do you initiate versus your wife oh all 99. just about 99 isn't that crazy yeah they complained about the patriarchy throw a move once in a while even it up up. We'll respond. Yes, we will. We will. I can hardly think of a scenario where my wife would look at me and be like, hey, tonight it's happening. And I'd be like, no.

I don't know the scenario. Sometimes you do it just for the power move. It's so hard to say no because you're like, she's never going to do this again. Not for another like four years. so i gotta initiate you know i gotta say yeah yeah and it wouldn't take a lot she doesn't have to stick her tongue in my ear literally hand on the leg i'm in yeah i'll be like oh here we go yeah game on. Well, your wife is very beautiful. Thank you. So, you know, yeah, and she's a great chick. Yeah.

She's pretty darn good. And so, yes, now the kid's getting a little older. And, you know, it's nice. Kids, we walk her to school every day. Oh, you can walk to the school two blocks away that's amazing yeah and and i i score so many points doing that because the days i'm home which is about three sometimes four days a week i'm doing that yeah and i just look around i go look at all these other kids with their single parent dropping them off no i'm here yeah they're there's like

three dads that do the drop-off every day, and we all just kind of look at each other like, look at us. We're doing it. Right, right. It feels good, and I found a thing. My daughter, I put it on Instagram. Okay.

My daughter wrote a note. She was in school, and I guess everybody was supposed to write a note, and so she wrote, here, just take a look look at it and i'll read it to you it's like hi it's like hyrule let's see if you can read it see if you can read it i just found it we're going through old stuff uh popper daddy no dear daddy oh dear oh that's dear okay yeah dear daddy uh uh uh you may not be able to read all the words but you'll get the gist of it i love that you were here i wish that you were here i wish that you were here i love you i want you to come to i don't know that word come home i think oh come home some i wish i i wish i was home with you right now

yeah that's pretty yeah dude that's pretty good i saw that and it broke my heart because you know look we make sacrifices we signed up for this our wives also signed up for this day it's not like they married us on an arranged marriage. They dated us. They were aware of our schedule, how much we were away. We were doing it. I mean, I don't know your situation, but I was certainly a comedian when my wife met me.

So it's like, okay, this schedule was established. And that's going to keep happening. I'm going gonna make a tremendous amount of money yes ideally uh so yeah so it's like we we obviously agreed they agreed yep kids not so much kid did not agree no kid just kid just wants the kid just wants the parents around yeah yeah uh yeah but i'll tell you this if you ever have those thoughts, because when my kids were your kids' age, I did feel torn. I had some sad days on the road, especially when it turned into one of those like, hey, we added a Sunday or we got a corporate date also in Tennessee two days later. And now you're alone in a hotel room killing a day.

No show that night. And you just start to feel really but the thing here's the key kids just want consistency yeah they want to know that when dad's home he's walking me to school he's spending more time with me than most kids parents and then you know and then he's just not here for a couple days as long as they're used to the rhythm of that it's fine and right now she is and and she is also used to the rhythm of, if I'm gone, and we've done this many times, she'll look at my wife and go, I want to talk to Daddy.

Yeah. And she goes, cool. FaceTime, boom. I'm right there. Right. And I don't care what I'm doing on the road. She'll send me a text of like, I don't know what you're doing right now, but you know, uh, tell the lady boy to go grab a cup of coffee, go down to the

lobby, busy himself herself. I'm not sure what lady boys pronouns are yet. I'm getting to it. I'll respect them when I hear them. Uh, but yeah, then it's like, okay, let's go. Like, let's talk, let's be engaged. And so far, so good, man. My daughter's in a wonderful stage right now where she says, she says I love you almost annoyingly too much. And every time I get annoyed by it, I go, don't get annoyed by it. One time, there will come a day where you will be begging for her to say those words. 14 years old.

That's where it's going to happen. Every girl from 14 to 17 is just a nightmare. That's what I'm banking on. I've heard that from so many people, and I go, okay, from the ages of like 12 to 14 to 20, 22, my daughter probably won't like me that much. Because it's a lot of no's. It's a lot of restrictions.

But my daughter's 20 and she came back hard. She loves us. She comes in. She drinks wine with my wife every night. Went to the movies with us the other night. She cooks. She went grocery shopping for us the other day. Wow.

And this is a girl who did not talk to us. Yeah. Mumbled. Mumbled for three years. And that was, and she's 19? She's 20. did not talk to us. Yeah. Mumbled, mumbled for three years. And that was, and she's 19? She's 20. Oh, she's 20. Okay.

So that means COVID happened when she was 17. She got fucked. She missed her senior prom. She missed graduation. Yeah. It was bad. And then, yeah. Yeah.

I could see that. So let me ask you this. Do you have the book? Do you have the book where you write down cute things your daughter said? Oh, yeah. You will treasure that when you get older. And she will get such a kick out of it. Yeah, and you just read them.

Every now and then I have a note on my phone that has all the things. Any good quotes? I mean, my favorite one was... By the way, I love that we transitioned from blowing a guy in the woods trannies in thailand to one of the cute things your daughter said yeah and but that's but like that's comedians though comedians do this comedians there is we like talking about the feel good and then when we talk about the things that make us laugh, we go to the craziest spaces possible. Right.

Because that's what's going to make your fellow comic laugh. And it's why we're unhirable. Yes. Yeah. Well, it's actually going to come full circle right now. Yeah. I'm going to link the two topics. It's not possible.

It's not possible. Say. Say not possible. It's never been done. One of my favorite things my daughter said was we were in Target, and we sometimes would bring toys with her when she goes with us to a store. So she's stimulated, just like little action figures, whatever. And she was in a Blue's Clues phase,

and there's a character on there called Tickety Talk. And it's a little clock toy. And she's got it. And we're pushing her in the cart. She dropped the toy, unbeknownst to us. All we hear is my daughter and her cute three-year-old voice at the time just going, I lost my cock. I lost my cock. I'm dying laughing.

My wife is just like, okay, okay. She's trying to be like, we'll find it. And then it clicks for her instantly that she's saying clock. But I'm just cracking up. Other parents are staring at us. And you should have said you need blue chew. You'll always know what it is then. Yeah.

Yeah. You have yourself some blue chew. Yeah. Yeah. That was, that was one of my favorites. That's good. I'll go, I'll go for the sweet things. Like there was, there was one time, uh, she was like two and we're on the couch and we're,

and we're watching one of her shows and she turns and she and and and she looks at my wife and goes cuddles and then that you know obviously means cuddles so she gets her up and then and then she looks at me and goes daddy cuddle and i go yeah so then i come in my dog's a pit bull he sees the family get together he's like i want it on yeah so he wanders over just kind of nuzzles in. And then I'm just like, this, this, this, this is it. This is like the greatest moment of my life. This is the Christmas card. There's the Christmas card. And then my daughter just looks up and goes, I'm so glad I have my family. And I'm just like, Oh, wow. What color, what color car you want? Yeah.

Right. I'll, I'll, i'll buy it yeah it's beautiful whatever you want yeah it's gonna happen i love it and and and because now did you find this as the guy that was on the road when you came home are were you like the pushover of like she wants something you're like oh absolutely yeah yeah yeah because you, the, you walk in the door and like, you just, you need it. You need the, so, so you take them to the park. You give your wife a break. You're like, honey, you go get your nails done. Yeah. I got her. And then you, and then you go do something and you just don't get tired. Like I wouldn't care if I took a connecting flight from Buffalo that left at 5 a.m. I walked in the door. I always had energy.

I was ready. You're better than me then. I walk in. I'm just like, all right, I'll see you at 4 o'clock. Oh, really? Yeah. I can't, man. Yeah.

I try. I try to lay down on the couch and hopefully she just wants to watch TV or something. But, man, I got to sleep. But then you pop up and you just try to do all the things. I'm excited. I'm excited that she's getting a little older. I'm like, cool, Disneyland's coming. That means we're going to go to Disneyland.

That was Halloween this year. That's a good age for Halloween. Yeah. Ah, the best. We took her in the daytime. She was a banana. I was a banana. My wife was Carmen Miranda.

It was great. The two dwarves were bananas. Did you go around on her head? Yeah, yeah, just spin her. No, I was making banana puns the whole night. We'd go to a house, trick or treat. We'd get the candy, and I'd be like, all right, we got to split. And, oh, I laughed every time.

My wife rolled her eyes. I laughed every time. The house laughed. Favorite holiday of the year. I love Halloween. And then we do all that in the daytime because she's four. So we bring her out in the daytime and do the early trick or treating at, like, 5, 6 o'clock. And then we went back to the house house and we live in a good neighborhood where

there's a lot of kids coming around. We put two chairs on the front, made ourselves two cocktails, just sat there, handed out candy, commented on all the kids. I'm making dad jokes with all the, with all the kids walking up. And my daughter wanted to be a part of that. So she's like out there sitting with us and she's chill. She's not running around. She's just watching all the kids coming up.

My wife had a brilliant idea to give out hot Cheetos. So the teenagers loved us. We were the house. They were telling other teenagers they got hot Cheetos. Yeah, they're texting each other. They're coming around. We got adults that are like, oh, thank you. None of those knickers bar.

And, of course, when the teenagers like you, you're like're like all right my house is safe tonight yeah we're good no eggs no nothing nice yeah my my friend does great holiday well first of all let's talk about some of the moms with the young kids that come around and they're dressed as a cat and they're in a bodysuit and they got some face paint on and you're just looking and you're like take it's like you with that guy in the three-way yeah move your eyes away yep don't look at her because this is about the kids it's about the kids they know what they're doing those moms know what they're doing what they're doing yeah i and and if they got a three or four year old that that means you know they're very proud of themselves they got that you know they got their body back or maybe they went and got a mommy makeover. It doesn't matter. Right. I respect you. Fresh set of tits.

I got the whole set. Yeah. Got the light boat done. Yeah. And they're just like showing it off. Yeah. God bless you. They earned it. They earned it. Yeah. You gave birth to life. You're welcoming them back into the fold. Welcome back. Yes. We missed you. Yes. And you should be able to be proud and show that off and great. And me staring a little bit too long is just giving you a return on your investment.

Yes! I mean, why else did you do it? You're already married. Your husband doesn't care. Yeah. Thankfully, when those women would come around, there was one that was like literally a sexy spider. She had all these arms coming out of her, but then like a purple bikini. And I was just like, did not see that one coming.

Did not see. Yeah, cats. Yeah. Cat's a top fiver. Right. You know, sometimes they'll literally just have whatever tight suit and then they just put cat ears on. They're like, it's a costume.

It's like, no, it's not. But yeah, sexy spider. That was one. And I just kind of looked at my wife like, sexy spider. And then my wife, thank God, is just like, I know. That's the key with your wife. If you're looking at women is always find a tangential thing to point out. Not, did you see the tits on this one?

No, it's like, no, look, did you see the spider outfit? Spider. Yeah. Yeah. And then you say, you know, you slip a little something like that. Like, I think she did okay, but she had an ass like yours. She could have pulled that out. She could have really pulled that outfit off.

That you do that and then just pop a blue tooth because it's happening that night. Pop a blue tooth, it's's happening that night i don't need a sexy spider i got it my friend does a thing in the neighborhood uh matt malloy okay and uh he sets up a little microphone and a speaker and when kids come by they have a choice they can get one piece of candy for free that's a given if they want a second piece yes they have to either sing a song or tell a joke. And so he lives on the walk streets where our producer Paul lived right across the street from him. And so there were tons of kids. Kids would come from all over LA to walk the walk streets because it's a sidewalk with houses next to them. And there's millions of... So So kids come, and then a crowd kind of gathers,

and these kids are killing it. Like, my favorite joke one year was, what do you call a fish with no eyes? What's that? Fish. Come on. That's fantastic. Great joke.

Kid killed. And so they get the second piece of candy, and then he would have Dixie cups with beer or wine, just like an ounce for the parents. And they were like, thank you so much. Yeah. Just a little hit for the parents. Yeah.

You know, you want, I want to be that house now. I want to be that house where all the, you know, like all the families feel like they can come over, you know, and it's good stuff. Yeah. You mean year round or just on Halloween? Year round. Yeah. Come on by. My wife likes to decorate the front yard for all the seasons.

She's a plastic flamingo lady. So we got flamingos on the front yard. Very Miami. Yeah. And she's got them in all different outfits. Is she from Florida? She's not. She just likes flamingos.

Wow. So, yeah. That's my favorite line in Scarface is when he's sitting in the hot tub looking at the TV and there's a bunch of flamingos and he goes, fly pelican. Oh, God bless you, Al Pacino, and your fake Cuban accent. So tell me about your neighborhood. Do you do you have friends? We have a very tight neighborhood. Everybody knows each other.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. So and also there's another comedian in my neighborhood. You know, Dave Williamson? Of course. I'm very close to him. Yeah.

Dave lives a few blocks away from me. Oh, that's amazing. So, Dave, he's a great comic. Great comic. Better guy. And even better barbecue chef. Yep. Oh, my God.

He does a little comedy show in the city. He tells people, bring your own chairs. They do. It's a great little workout room for me when I'm down there. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, I've done that room. It's fun. Yeah. And he serves his barbecue. Serves barbecue. Yeah. Literally. And I've been to

Kansas City. I've been to Texas. I've been to St. Louis. All the barbecue hubs. Yeah. Dave Williamson has the best brisket I've ever had in my entire life. Wow. Entire life. Wow. That's great praise. And I love barbecue. Yeah. So yeah. Brisket's my go-to. Yeah. I did some dates with, he opens for Bird a lot. So we were down in Florida like six months ago, and we got to, I think it was Tampa, and he just like somehow wrangled some smokers, and he fired up barbecue right outside the tour bus. Dude's got four smokers in his front yard.

Yeah. It's great. Dude, his son, thank God, his son, you know, who just won a water polo championship. They're like the state champs or something. Yeah. Got in a horrible car accident probably six months ago. He is okay. He's fine.

But yeah, it was a thing where Dave actually, as a father, this terrifies me. Yeah. Dave heard the crash in his house. Right, I heard that. And then had to run out. And he's like, as I was running out i'm like he knew yeah and then seeing your kid in a car and just wanting to rip a door off and then but yeah but kids okay yeah thank god and uh yeah they caught the the guys that hit him there's

people doing like some street racing or something no shit no I didn't know that yeah yeah yeah so it's yeah that one you're just like oh but then Dave's this is why it pays to be like that a good dude in the in in the neighborhood like the cops would come to the hospital check on the kid I really came to the house checked on them the kid. Oh really? Came to the house, checked on them. They said, don't worry. We're getting all our, also why it's nice to live in a smaller town, like where we live. And cause the cops were like, don't worry, all our resources are going into this. I'm like, yeah, safe town.

That's amazing. Yeah. You're not one of those towns where it's like, yeah, we got a bunch of drug dealers and murderers to- Dude, I'm in Venice. They don't even show up. No. It's like 45 minutes. No.

Yeah. You're like, there's a guy taking a shit on my front yard with a machete. You're like, well, is he stabbing you yet? Are you on fire? Yeah. No. All right. We'll get to it.

Yeah, yeah. Venice has got to be, you want to play the Neil Brennan game of how liberal are you? Yeah. It's got to be such a mind fuck where the real estate is what it is. It's very expensive. Then on the same patch of land where you got your house, you got your mortgage and everything like that, there's a tent and you're like. It's the richest and poorest part of maybe the country. All the same time.

I mean, it's like San Francisco. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, there's a lot of petty crime. If you leave something on your yard, it will be stolen. It's gone. But at the same time, like, there's breaking and entering a little bit. But for the most part.

A dusting. A dusting. A dusting of breaking and entering. But it's you know, I've been there for 22 years and I've never other than a bike stolen off the yard. We've never had any any issues. And I'll take that. But the upside is that it is a truly diverse place. It's full of artists.

We got a theater behind us. We got an art gallery behind us. We're a mile from the beach. Again, like the neighbors are all really tight. Yeah. And and it's it's a pretty magic place. I really love it. And and I'm glad that it has bad reputation because less people come there.

That's the thing. If you're paying attention, I haven't even said the city that me and Dave live in. Although, if you know Dave, you can figure it out very quick. Uh, but yeah. And there's a reason why I'm like, no one else. This is great. This is awesome. It's a great city. Like I said, we walk, we walk the kid to school. There's sidewalks. There's two blocks away is her school two blocks the other way as a dog park. And they're great schools. My son actually played on a club soccer team. We drove there three days a week for four years. I love that area.

Yeah, and close enough to the airport where I'm like, cool. Five to ten minutes and I'm at my gate. Absolutely. That's the life. Now, if you're a young, hip 22-year-old and you're going out to the bars and clubs and trying to score whatever you're trying to score, probably not the area for you. Not your place.

No. You're not going to have fun. No, it's great for families, though. Yeah. And that's what I love. And that's the thing. Never thought I'd be the family dude. Yeah.

You know, rewind back to the first 10 minutes of jokes in our conversations of this podcast you'll understand i thought i was gonna be that guy you were an explorer yeah on a mission yeah i was gonna be that dude you know my whole life then obviously you meet the wife and then you move to a a good neighborhood like that you have a kid you're just like i kind of like this yeah i'm waking up with way less hangovers yeah you're having less insipid conversations with people feeling feeling bad because you've got an agenda yes yes there's a lot that was the worst part is i always felt like when i was picking up a woman i got the sense most

of the time that she had a different agenda than i did she she maybe wanted to get to know me yours was to get laid yeah that was not her agenda right she I did. She, she made me want to get to know me. Yours was to get laid. Yeah. That was not her agenda. Right. She can get laid whenever. Exactly. She can just be like,

Oh, I feel like getting laid. I'm going to go do that now. So it's a kind of, you're on false footing to begin with. Yes. Yes. And,

uh, it's nice that in this neighborhood is there's not a lot of show business people because, uh, uh, I went to the improv christmas party last night and uh don't be wrong saw some great people but literally from the walk in the front door to uh the room where i was hanging out with chris porter and we were just

having tequila like two comics came up and said like hey Brad, I see you're doing a lot of tour dates. You got a spot. You got to come on. Just say, right. I know. Like, I get it. It's a hustle. They're trying. Hey, I respect the hustle. Absolutely. But then you get asked to do eight different podcasts. Yep. Yep. And so who were they? And I'm promoting a special. It's called Starfish. It's on Vips.

Comes up December 21st. Why? Why Veeps. It comes out December 21st. Why December 21st? Why December 21st, Brad? Isn't that the winter solstice? The shortest day of the year. Oh, got it. Hey, now. See what I did there.

Okay. I'm going to do the vernal equinox because of my cock. That's the best comeback I've heard to that line. Well done. So, yeah, there's the plug. So, who were the people that you were happy to see there? Oh, happy to see Adam Ferrara. Oh, yeah.

He's the best. Love that guy. I'm making fun of him because how mad he is that Tommy DeVito is on the Giants and not the Jets. He's a diehard Jets fan. And so he's just like, you don't think we want the Italian of Italians on the Jets? That's all his family. Vinny Testaverde was the last good Italian they had over there.

Saw him. Saw Chris Porter. He opens for Eliza Schlesinger a lot. Hunter Hill. He's always really delightful to see. Did you see Rita, the booker? Yeah. She's the greatest.

Saw Rita. This was a cool moment. Saw Nick Navicki. Now, if you don't know who Nick Navicki is, he's another dwarf comedian. And him and I have actually known each other long before we were comedians. We've known each other since we were like five, six years old. Yeah. And now.

No shit. Yeah. Did you grow up near each other? No, we just threw Little People of America, LPA. We'd go to conventions and stuff like that. Oh, wow. I knew him. And now we're both comedians, and he opens up for Nate Bargatze that's doing arenas.

Yeah. You know, so I'm seeing photos on Nick's Instagram of him crushing it to an arena. Wow. And we just had a cool little moment where we saw each other. We're like, we fucking did it, man. We fucking did it. I'm out there doing my thing. He's out there doing his thing.

We're both successful. We're both married. We both got kids that we're raising and feeding with our jokes. We did the thing. That's crazy. Yeah. So we did the thing. So that was a really fun, nice moment to have where you just kind of stop for a moment and go,

yeah, the odds weren't in our favor. Yeah. Because if you think about all the successful dwarf comedians before Nick and I, you got Tanya Lee Davis, end of list. That's it. That's it. Really? I'm sure there's one out there that would be like, I did it.

But I know of. What about the Lollipop Gang? They were comedians. Stand up. What are they doing? The boy. But they could have booked corporate dates if they wanted to. Right.

Done a lot. Let me ask you this. It's Christmas. And it made me think, have you ever played an elf or been asked to play an elf? Every year. What a stupid question. Every fucking year. Yeah.

But there's a joke in one of the specials but uh this it's a true story um i was going on an audition for an elf uh this is years ago and on the breakdown where it tells you about the part it says bring your own elf costume from home and i was pissed what are you kidding me i'm already wearing it yeah i was pissed off but at the same time i'm like i mean i have it i have an elf costume don't think i don't i do i have another one now so yeah it's always there but um uh uh i haven't done yeah i played an elf in a really weird Christmas movie that my nephew loved called Hercules Saves Christmas. Now, when you hear Hercules Saves Christmas,

you think, oh, the Greek mythological character. Nope. Hercules is the name of a pit bull. It aired on Animal Planet. Out of all the Christmas movies ever made, it's one. Yeah, yeah. It's one of them. Did you ever do a live elf show?

A live elf? No, because I know a lot of little people do like, they go to Radio City Music Hall as like a Christmas spectacular that auditions and hires a lot of little people to play house uh never did one of those kind of proud of that but like i can't say that like if you're a little person in this business you've done things right you've done parts that you're not so proud of and gigs you're not all right right. So this is the one for me. There's an artist.

He's actually a really great artist and a really wonderful guy. His name is Michael Goddard. He does a lot of vice paintings. So like drinking and gambling and stuff like that, smoking, stuff like that. And his thing is like when he does a picture of a martini, the olive will have arms and legs and will be doing an activity uh-huh around the martini glass it'll be ice skating it'll be driving a car it'll be doing something so at his art shows he would hire little people to be dressed up as olives and grapes and get in the glass and yeah stand next to the paintings uh-huh okay welcome people in and like sometimes serve

drinks and stuff and was it a little humiliating a little bit but the money was really good uh he would fly me out from la to vegas and on a quick flight but still and put me up for a few days and pay me like six seven hundred dollars cash for like two days of work yeah and this is you know almost 20 years ago uh-huh so pretty good yeah for a college kid yeah it's great yeah so i would do that and uh and so but i got to do some cool things i got to meet uh vince neal and kind of hang out with vince oh really from motley crew yeah they were friends uh uh goddard and Vince Neil. So yeah, there's some cool stories.

What's this thing you did in Vegas? You did a Cirque du Soleil thing? You were the first person to headline? First comedian. First comedian to headline a Cirque du Soleil show. Yes. That's incredible. I did a show in Vegas called Mad Apple.

It's still running at the New York, New York. I helped launch the show. I did it for three months. Lived in Vegas. We would fly home on the two off days a York. I helped launch the show. I did it for three months. Lived in Vegas. We would fly home on the two off days a week. And it was great. It was wonderful. I went on after the guys that juggle each other with their feet. Not too many people can say that.

And you would just do straight stand-up for 20 minutes or so? Yeah, yeah. And then it was really interesting because when we come out as comedians in our shows, the audience is generally familiar with who we are. Yeah. And they know what they're going to get. They know they're going to get comedy. At a Cirque show, they may not even speak English, the audience.

Right. They're there to have a good time. Plus, you got kids in the audience, right? Well, this was billed as an adult show, but people still brought kids in. Yeah. For the comedy. That's why it was an adult show. It was a comedy.

And so I'd go out there. These people don't know who I am. All right. And that's why I did it, because I wanted the challenge. It kind of scared me a little bit. Right. And I was like, yeah. I really liked the camaraderie of it, being part of a cast.

Got to know a lot of the cast members. What are they like? So talented. Yeah. I mean, most of them are like Brazilian and Ukrainian. And it was weird because we had some Russians and some Ukrainians in the cast when the war started. That was fun. You don't want to be spinning a Russian when you're Ukrainian with your feet.

Yeah. You might slip. Yeah. There might slip. Yeah, there's guys from the Dominican Republic. Like, there's just all over the world. You'd come and you'd hear everyone's stories, how they got there. Really amazing stuff and just really, really talented people. And here's the part that makes us realize,

because we do how many shows a week, how many shows in our life, it's normal to us what we do as comedians. We go on stage, we tell some jokes. It's not normal to everybody else. So I'm doing, I do my set, it gets done. Right after my set, this is in one particular show, the light board malfunctions. And, the light board malfunctions. And when the light board malfunctions, it takes about 10 minutes to reboot the whole thing.

So we have 10 minutes. And they say this. We're going to have about 10 minutes of silence. And I'm like, no, we're not. Give me a microphone. Let me go back out there. And they're like, what are you going to do? I'm like, I'll figure it out.

Like, this is fine. Comedians, we do this. We talk. I did, you know know 15 minutes earlier i have more material yeah i don't have just 15 minutes so i run back out there and under just a a makeshift spotlight like the like the emergency work lights i the audio thankfully still worked i i tell i tell jokes i do more stand-up audience is having a great time once i get the signal that the light board's ready to go, I fire them back up again like, you guys ready

for more show? We're going to do a lot of stuff. There's going to be an Empire State Building later. Who knows what's going to happen there? Everyone's cheering and then we start the show up again. When I walk backstage, there's a Russian hand balancer who

balances on his hands. But he does it at the top of our makeshift Empire State Building. And, like, he has two little blocks. He just does tricks, like balancing, doing handstands. It's incredible. And he's jacked to shit. He's got muscles on muscles on muscles. And he just walks up to me with this look in his eye and goes,

I have no idea how you do what you do. I'm like, I do what I do. I talk. We all have the skill to talk, you know, minus mutes. But, like, for the most part, we all can do it. No one can do what you do. And if I mess up, oh, a joke didn't land. Oh, well, I get a little silence.

It's a little uncomfortable. I got another joke ready to go. You mess up, you die. Right, right. you fall off our makeshift empire state building yeah yeah there were some weird moments uh now i remember doing a strip club once in boston and the strip and the stripper gets up there and she's like you know spreading her lids is fully nude you know split wet beavers and and they're in the back room the drink is a big wet beaver they're getting grinded on in the vip yeah and then i just and she comes out she goes i don't know how you can do that i mean you're so vulnerable on stage you're

like i'm vulnerable yeah you just got fingered a fucking 60 year old businessman who slipped you an extra Benjamin. Are you kidding me? How I do that? Yeah. Right. Madness. There was, you know, there was a couple of weird moments like that where the power goes down.

There's one time where there is an act that is at the end of the show. It's called the Wheel of Death. And it's where like a guy gets in this hamster wheel and it spins around in circles. It goes way up high, then comes way down. It's a typical force, the whole thing. And it's amazing. He gets out of it.

He dances on top of it. He jumps rope in the middle. It's incredible. Wow. At one point, he's doing a move where he jumps out of the wheel. The wheel comes back around. He's supposed to grab it, and then it flings him back up on top, and he's done it a million times.

This night, the wheel comes back around. He grabs it. It flings him up, and he lets go. So it flings him up in the air, and he comes down, hits the stage. And the stage has no padding. No, no padding. There is, but the pad wasn't there. Right.

And I'm just like, ah. And the people come out. They throw an X sign, which means stop show, whatever. And I'm just like, okay. And then I'm up next. I do my second part of the comedy. So I'm just like okay and then I'm up next I do my second part of the comedy so I'm just like here we go and I just run up on stage they take him off on a stretcher I mean they they took him out thankfully he was under his own power okay uh like that like

that's my buddy yeah I don't know how he is I'm just like all right I gotta tell some jokes now right I'm telling some jokes and trying to get everyone back into it like hey you know that's why they call it the wheel of death what'd you guys think it was gonna happen wheel of death yeah he's not a durable yeah he's not human it's not the wheel of that was close yeah yeah like doing the whole thing um yeah oh i actually remember the joke i made uh because the guy uh the guys from mexico and i went well wheel of death everyone it's true what they say mexicans really do do all the jobs that none of us want to do crowd had a good laugh at that one and uh yeah but then i went i ran backstage checked on him he was okay thank god wow but uh that's amazing yeah but it was a trip and i hope to be back and do it again at some point but it won't

be for a while because if you go to my website bradwilliamscomedy.com you will see you will see a tour my friend over i'm gonna read your dates over 70 dates i mean it's incredible you're not gonna read all 70 no i'm gonna read up until july but you've got uh but you're working good rooms man you're working some theaters you're working a clubs yeah and uh and it's great but i want to before we before i read your credits yeah there's a little thing i think we did it last time okay we did fastballs with fits love fast right yes all right let's go uh there are two types of people in the world okay go williams and the rest that's that's something my that's something my uncle always told me really yeah he said there's two types of people in this world the

williams and the rest and it just always stuck with me who are the williams that's my last name i was thinking serena i was like my williams no so it was always like uh i don't know you might like i've seen that like uh harbaugh's do a thing where like the dad's like who who's got it better than us and the kids all and the grandkids all all yell out nobody like is that the guy who killed his son Harbaugh I'm thinking of the guy in South Carolina oh I don't I don't know who that is oh you're talking about Harbaugh the coach yeah like Jim Harbaugh yeah yeah his dad so right uh but it was just all this it was always a thing that so clannish yeah yeah dust against the world yeah I always heard that I kind of I kind of liked it but it. But if we're going for a serious thing, there's two types of people in this world.

Okay. There's two types of people in this world. The people that don't want to be noticed, that the last thing they want is to stop somebody else's progression of their day. And there's the other type of person that that's all they want to get off on that. And that could apply in so many things. I'm talking about even something as simple as crossing the street and a car comes up and stops. If I'm the one crossing, I do the fake jog.

I do the fake little like, okay, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. And I'm not moving any faster than I would walk. And you throw up the hand wave. The hand doesn't go all the fake jog. I do the fake little like, okay, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. And I'm not moving any faster than I would walk. And you throw up the hand wave. The hand doesn't go all the way up. But there's a motion. There's a motion. Hey, good. Thank you.

Just doing that. And then there's the guy that dances in the street or takes more time or has a conversation on their phone. When I'm driving, it's just like, I don't want anyone to know I'm here. I'm just, it's just like, I don't want anyone to know I'm here. I'm just a car. The people that you pull up to, there's no parking in the neighborhood. And you see a car, you see a guy get in it. And you pull up next to him and you motion, are you leaving? And he says, yes.

And then you back up and wait. And he checks his emails. Yeah. Hangs out. Yeah. You're just waiting for that reverse light to come on. Yeah. It's that guy. Yeah. There are the people that are aware that other people exist. Yeah. Hangs out. Yep. You're just waiting for that reverse light to come on. Yeah. It's, it's that guy. Yeah.

There are the people that are aware that other people exist. Yeah. And the rest. All right. I like that. Yeah. Uh, what have you turned down recently?

Oh, uh, uh, turned down a lot of gigs that are like, Hey man, I got a bar in San Diego. Yeah. Pays a hundred bucks, but you get free beer.

And yeah, it's a two hour drive there and two hour drive back. They'll give you a meal. They got great food. Yeah, I'm like, my wife cooks, dude. I'm fine. I got a kid now and I get it. Once again, I respect the hustle. You want a name comic to come perform your venue

totally understand yeah but I'm not doing it no I'm not no and you know what pay me pay me for it yes like I know you're getting 100 people you charge 20 bucks a head that's two grand and you want to give me 100 bucks so you can you know You know, you should lose money on me because you can now advertise that Brad Williams played this club. It's one of those scenarios. And I tour. Go to BradWilliamsComedy.com. You'll see my tour dates. When I'm home, man, I'm home.

If you want to get me to leave again, you got to pay me. You come down to the store, though, pretty frequently. Yeah, I go to the store. Not as much as you used to. No, because I have a date February 10 down to the store though. Pretty, pretty frequent. I go to the store as much as he used to. No. Cause I have a date, uh, February 10th at the ACE hotel. I'm doing the theater at the ACE hotel. Okay. And so I didn't want to like be at the store every night while they're advertising me. I want to be like, no, I want to see Brad.

You guys go see him at the ACE hotel. Yeah. So, uh, yeah. Come see me there. February 10th, Los Angeles ACE hotel. All right. Who is your dinner for five? Oh, I've thought about this a lot. Okay. Dinner for five. Number one, Conan O'Brien. Nice.

He has to be there. You need a driver. He's going to drive the conversation. I've never met him. He's one of the people I want to meet so bad. Yeah. But Conan O'Brien, and then every time I hear him on a podcast he's doing bits yeah he's doing he does bits esns everything i want to meet that dude uh uh so yeah uh conan o'brien will be there um and then uh these are two espn personalities that i think would just

be so great to hang out with. And thankfully, I've gotten to hang out with one of them, and she is fantastic. I've hung out with Sarah Spain. She's awesome. And just, you know, she's a hot woman who could talk sports and funny as hell. Definitely could have been a comedian if she wanted to. Went into writing, and she's really good at that. Checks a lot of boxes.

Yeah. Mina Kimes, same reason. Mina Kimes from ESPN. We've talked football, and she's funny as hell. So, yeah. Cohen O'Brien, Mina Kimes, Sarah Spain. Now, is it five including me? No, five guests.

Five guests. So, I got two more me? No, five guests. Five guests. So I got two more. Okay. Oh, man, this one's hard. You got your eye candy. You got your humor. Yeah, I got humor. I'm trying to think if we need sports.

Yeah, I'm trying to think if we need like another sport. Because for me, I want personalities. I don't want like. What about intellect? Don't you want an intellect there? Oh, Neil deGrasse Tyson. There you go. Neil degrasse that's good well done yeah it was either him or malcolm gladwell but i think malcolm gladwell is a little too philosophical for me for a dinner party neil degrasse tyson neil degrasse tyson he can land stuff yeah yeah he gets it yeah you can mention a movie he'll ruin it for you uh that could never happen but he likes to he's an educator he likes to make the

advanced topics that he's talking about into bite-sized palatable morsels for us for us mouth breathers yes that we can digest yes and i think that would be great all right you got one left and you don't have any legends oh can they be alive or no they're alive but you know a legend legend i mean you got your bill murray's out there you're steve martin's see steve martin is a guy i would love to talk to but he's one of those guys where everyone says like hey when they say don't meet your heroes yeah it's like steve he's very reserved i agree with that he's not on right so i want a guy that's going to be on yeah so i might go and he's also a friend of conan i might go marty short oh that's good always on on. Yeah. Stories for days.

Storyteller. Great storyteller. Stories for days. Old Hollywood stories. Yes. And stuff like that. Or if I wanted to go younger, I might go Bill Hader. Oh.

Everyone seems to have a great, like everyone I've met that has a great that has met bill hater it's a great story you're like oh that sounds and with a few cocktails he will bust out the impressions yes yeah so you'll get i'll get to do vincent price which is and you you get some stefan yeah um yeah i'd go yeah eat so it's mina kimes sarah spain Conan O'Brien, Neil deGrasse Tyson. And the last spot is that wild card spot where I'm throwing another comic in there. It's either going to be Marty Short, Bill Hader, or Jon Stewart. One of those. Oh, that's good.

Jon Stewart's good. Because he's also the intellectual, but comedian. He would jive with Conan, too. They would have some nice riffs together. Yeah, man. I saw him live. Jon Stewart? Yeah.

He did a show with Mulaney here in Pasadena. And I got tickets to the show. I happily got tickets to that show. Watched and got so angry because of how fucking good they were. They're so good. I know. Well, you're good too, Brad Williams. Thank you.

And you can see me be good. I'm going to lay it all out for you. You're going to see the new specials called Starfish. You can get it on Veeps, which you just download the app, and then you watch it right on there. It's a pay service for a la carte, but you get it for life. Yeah. On winter sol for life. Yeah. On winter solstice.

Yeah, December 21st. And just know that this is like one of those, they always say, bet on yourself. Yeah. I financed this special myself. Oh, you did? And then sold it to them afterwards? Yeah. Okay.

And then so I financed it myself. I gambled on myself. Other people. Did you make your money back? Yes. So I'm at least even right now. Other people offered me an amount of money where I'm like, okay, that's good. But I want to bet on myself.

So I'm taking a gamble here. Yeah. And I hope it works out. And I'll only, you know, make a lot of money. I essentially broke even when Beeps got it. Now I'm trying to make some money. Get the special. You support me and you support an Asian dwarf baby.

I mean four, but yeah. Asian dwarf baby. She'll always be a baby to me. I'm a dwarf. Wife's Asian. Asian dwarf baby. That'll get you into heaven. Tour dates. December 28th in Fres Okay. That'll get you into heaven. Tour dates.

December 28th in Fresno. December 29th and 30th, San Francisco at Cobbs. Yep. January 6th, Santa Barbara. Yeah, that's where I filmed my first special, Fun Size. I'm coming back to the Libero Theater. We sold out the first show. We added a second.

January 19th in Sacramento. Crest Theater. We added a second there as well. January 20th, San Diego. And then you're going on a cruise on the 26th in Sacramento. Crest Theater. We added a second there as well. January 20th, San Diego. And then you're going on a cruise on the 26th, WWE. You mean the Chris Jericho Rock and Wrestling Rager at Sea? That one's already

sold out. Don't care. It's going to be a blast. Bringing the wife? No. No. People are going to get thrown off the ship. There's no doubt about that. February 1st through the 3rdpe improv yeah the fourth in tucson the ninth in bakersfield the 10th in la we talked about that joe the 16th in memphis 17th in dallas 18th in el paso 24th in vegas march 1st in charlotte and march 2nd in atlanta

all tickets at bradwilliamscomedy.com and if you're sitting there right now going hey i live in boston or indiana or whatever the hell you didn't mention those they're on there there's many more dates go there and i think there's a mailing list people can get on so you can you can find out when he's coming to see you exactly and uh get get your tickets love to see some fitz dog listeners in that in that audience if i'm doing the meet and greet afterward and someone comes out to me and goes like oh i heard you on fitz dog i go all right great you're a comedy fan yes good right you know this yeah you know what this is yeah uh and uh i i you know i will respect the fitz dog fans like there's certain fans that come

up like if they heard me from whatever podcast i did i'm like oh man you don't know what comedy is yeah right but then we'll talk about those after the show we will and uh but then if if they're a fitz dog fan i know like okay you know what comedy is you get it you respect it and this this is gonna be a great show listen man you're a great guest i said at the beginning you lived up to it once again thank you sir brad williams ladies and gentlemen thank you ran the gamut lots of topics yeah we nailed them all and uh always a pleasure to be here man thanks man i really appreciate it you