Fitzdog Radio - Brad Williams Episode 1129

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Brad Williams is back! The guys talk beauty pageants in Texas, post-Epstein paranoia, bombing Iran distractions, and why Fitz just stares at dads now. Then it’s straight into bourbon talk, Pappy Van Winkle airport purchases, Peaky Blinders whiskey cravings, and the realities of being a “functioning” alcoholic. Brad opens up about being married, midday sex saving marriages, dwarf roast battles, Kill Tony panel anxiety, Skankfest nude roasts, and the logistics of dwarf vs. average-sized fight intervention. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada. Hey now, coming to you all from Houston, Texas.

Yee-ah! Rodeo was in town this weekend. and a lot went on. Great crowds. Dave Williamson did a great job featuring such a good hang. And the club treated me great. Thank you guys for coming out. And weird fucking weekend, though.

There was some kind of a beauty pageant festival happening. Our cheerleaders. They were cheerleaders. But it looked like a beauty pageant because it looked like the Jean-Beney Ramsey lookalike contest was happening in town. And these girls get tarded up by their moms with like dripping in makeup, like loud, blue mascara. I don't know what you call it.

Big hair. And it was a lot. It was a lot. And what's weird is that normally I would see this girl, you know, and they're like 10, 11, 12. Normally I'd be like, oh, we're cute little girls. That's so sweet. And now post Epstein, it's just like I don't look anywhere near them.

And God forbid I, like, happen to look at one. I'll look up and the father will be standing there. Look at me like, what the fuck are you looking at? And I'm like, I don't know. I just glanced. She's got fucking makeup. And so I just stare at the dads now. The whole time I stare at the dads.

and then I'll glance at the girls and they'll be like, what the fuck you're looking to my dad for? So the whole thing was weird and I just expected I kept waiting for Bill Clinton or Bill Gates or Trump to walk up. The moms are just hanging

on. They've got they're tarted up like the daughters are and they, you know, they've got their skeletal. They all look like, like they just work out constantly and only eat carrots. And they very A-type, the very weird scene.

But, you know, look, whatever turns them on. I mean, this is Texas. It's a whole different world down here. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get distracted. I think Netanyahu tricked Trump into bombing Iran for him. He told him that the Ayatollah had the Epstein file. stuffed up his ass. And so Trump did the only thing he could do.

And now I'm sitting here and I'm obsessed. I literally spent probably six hours looking at videos of the strikes. And it's incredible. It's like watching an action movie on CGI. You can't believe it's real. The number, like when they're shooting down, a fighter jet, there are just hundreds of rockets flying up and curving and leading it. And then you see an explosion.

And then they just because the aircraft carriers are launching the rockets. And it's a lot. It's a lot of rockets. Like hundreds go up to kill each jet. And I just was thinking about like how much do each of these rockets cost? like probably a fucking million dollars for each. I'm just looking and going like, okay, there goes healthcare.

And there goes Medicaid. And there goes school lunches. And there goes Social Security. And I just kept thinking about that. But you know what I didn't think of once the entire time? The Epstein files. And I think that was kind of the point, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, coming to your town, I got Neil Brennan coming up next week. This week we got a great guest. I will be in Fort Worth again in Texas next week at Hyenas, March 6th and 7th. Then I'll be in Los Angeles for the St. Patrick's Day Show. March 17th, Janesville, Wisconsin at the Comedy Cabin, March 20th and 21st, Bakersfield at the Well, April 18th. Skindito Grand Comedy Club, April 24th and 25th. Then I'll be up in Boston, Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th after that, heading up to New Hampshire and Maine. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out and say hello.

Now let's talk about our sponsor. This week, we're talking about tempo. I always have this thing where I'm going to be the guy that goes to the farmer's market and buys carrots and fresh cheese. chicken that's been grass-fed and I put it in the basket of my bicycle like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz and I take it home and chop it up. It doesn't happen. It doesn't happen. I don't make my stew like I think I'm going to do. And that's why I end up eating, you know, peanut butter with a spoon over the sink at 9 o'clock. That's why I like tempo. Tempo sends fresh chef-crafted meal straight to your door. We're not those like gross.

I feel like there's been zero progress on some of these, like, icy freezer burned bricks that taste like regret that these other companies are sending. This way you get good portions. You get clean ingredients. You heat it up in two minutes. You're eating like an adult. Two minutes. I spent long in that arguing with myself about whether cereal counts is dinner.

They drop 20 new recipes every single week. You're not stuck eating the same like sad chicken bowl. You want high protein. They got protein packed meals with up to 30 grams. Trying to cut calories. They got calorie conscious options. How about you're on some GLP1 plan? They got balanced meals for that too.

It's convenient without feeling like you've given up on quality. And I mean, it just really fits in with a lifestyle where a lot of us are working too hard. you're trying to fit in an exercise class. Maybe you want to date. Maybe you want to hook up. Maybe you want to feel those sweet, sweet feelings of love in your life. Well, you don't have time to eat also or prep to eat. So now even Maria Sharapova, it says here is on it?

Look, I know she's a little bit busy and I know she looks amazing because she's eating tempo. Right now, tempo is giving my listeners 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com slash fits dog. That's tempomiles.com slash fits dog for 60% off your first box. Trust me, you are going to love it. Let me know which meals you're getting, by the way. They're great. Okay, let's get to my guest.

Brad Williams, what do you say about Brad? He's a consummate pro on stage. This guy has been killing relentlessly for so long. He cares about the craft. He is a great podcaster. He's a super dude. You know him. You love him.

Here's my chat with the great Brad Williams. My guest today is Brad Williams. He's a comedian. He's done a little bit of acting. He's a... There's a woman on all fours right now. Which normally if I'm doing a podcast and there's a woman on all four as I immediately turn around and go, this was not what I intended

it to me. But this is fine. She was trying not to get into the way of the camera. No. Not not in a leather ball bag outfit. As they would say in nature, she was not presenting. No, no. There was no presenting. I mean, and it's hard to believe that she wasn't with these two absolute sex symbols here at this table. But no, she was just doing her job and doing it well. Has there ever been a guy that women want to fuck who wears the hats we're wearing right now? You know what? The only way I would say it is if you've seen the show Peaky Blinders. Yes.

They did okay. Right. But they had the accents. And they had razor blades in the hats and they were willing to kill people that said no to them. So maybe that had something to do with them. And they had the cigarette dangling from the lip like, I mean like an art. Always. The way they dangle their cigarettes.

So you watch that show. I'm obsessed with that show. Okay. As an alcoholic, because I know what it made me want to do after I watched that show. It made me want to drink fucking whiskey because they made it look so cool. Like, how do you, how are you with that? When you're watching a show like Peaky, the Peaky fucking Blinders. When you're watching that and they're pounding whiskeys every two seconds and it just looks like these are the baddest, coolest guys ever.

How are you going? No. Don't do that. Like how? Do you know sometimes I'll be alone in my hotel room and I'll have a glass of water. Uh-huh. And I will literally go like this. And then I'll gulp from it like it's whiskey.

Okay. Just to feel what if you just to do it. Just to have the routine of it. It affects me, man. When I, I've been, I haven't drank in 36 years. Wow. How long? For reference, I'm 42 years old.

don't fucking say it like that no but that's how good you've been yeah yeah that's how good you've been 36 years how many years for you oh I'm still very much I'm still very much drinking I'm still very I said you're an alcoholic I thought you meant like sober

no no no you're practicing I'm practicing I'm damn near perfecting really no but here's the thing some people think I'm sober because I'll I don't drink before shows I will never drink before shows and if I have to get up early the next day, I will never drink. And some people will see that and be like, oh, Brad doesn't drink. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

I drink. I would like to continue drinking. I'm trying to have a healthy relationship with this thing, so as to not go too far to where I have to stop. Do you have a drink after the show? Yeah, absolutely. Does it feel like you've earned it after a show? Yes.

Is it the same drink every time? More or less. I'm a bourbon guy. Straight bourbon. Yeah, I was just in Lexington, Kentucky this past weekend. Have you done that club? I've done the club. I did a theater there earlier this year, and they have a – the airport in Lexington has a whiskey store in the airport that has some of the best whiskeys and bourbons.

Like, they're hard to find. I found a – I found a Pappy Ben Winkle in the airport. And I'd be lying if I said that that I did not buy it right there because that is a very rare bottle to find. Happy Van Winkle. Yeah, yeah, I bought it because I had a good time at that show, had a nice paycheck. And I'm like, you know what? Okay, let's do this. Once again, earned it.

You know, didn't buy it before. Got it on the way out. 25 grand? No, no, no, no, no, not 25 grand. 50? For the bottle? No, how much did you get paid? Oh.

The first number. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, yeah, I was like, I could do this. I was looking at your calendar. Well, now I want to stay on drinking for a minute. Then we'll get to your calendar. But I am so jealous because I really enjoyed drinking.

I had a, and I mostly stopped because my father was an alcoholic and I didn't want to end up like my father. Sure, sure. You saw the writing on the wall. It was like, ah, that's where that's going. He got so drunk, he would write on the wall. I need help He literally put on the wall

He used to do the doors logo all the time On our front door I was like what the fuck is that? Yeah so like his His rock bottom was actually throwing rocks At the family And hitting them with the bottom of rocks He was very literal

He's a very literal man Yeah yeah yeah And when he stopped cold turkey He literally the only thing he did Was stop eating cold turkey Yeah He kept drinking Yeah warm turkey's fine

Yeah he just stopped cold turkey So he You know he showed me what you don't want to do. And so I quit when I was about 25 or something. And 24, actually. And I had so much fun. I was so much funnier.

I was looser. I was able to be more affectionate with people and open to the possibilities of the night. Sure. And now I'm like, fucking sit on the couch, eat two pieces of chocolate, watch. watch whatever series me and my wife are watching. Don't even throw a move on or late at night anymore. No, you don't have the confidence. I don't have the confidence.

I'm like, I need midday confidence. I need like second cup of coffee confidence. Bro, okay. Let's talk about this for a second. As a single guy, you're always sort of conditioned to like, all right, sex is the reward at the end of the night. Right. At the end of the night. Yeah.

Married with kids. sex is we just drop the kid off at school now is the time midday let's go because if you're like no let's wait till the end of the night you're going to get tired something's going to happen during the day where you're not in that right mindset yeah midday sex save your marriage also mentally I need to be focused now during sex I used to be able to oh I'd get in a fist fight in a bar and then I'd be laughing and then You know, a cop would chase us, and then I'd fuck. Yeah. Because why not? Now it's got to be early enough in the day where no distractions are going to get my mind off my boner. I need to focus on my boner. Which is ironic that you can keep it when you're just focusing on a hard dick.

Yes. Yes. You're just thinking hard dick and then you keep the hard dick. That's amazing. Because if I think hard dick, I'm not going to keep a hard dick. No. I will cause another guy to have a hard dick if I think about it enough. Exactly.

But no, like midday sex, man. I used to do late night sex followed by. I wouldn't even pee. Just wake up and bang. Oh, that's a good one. Now I got to pee like minutes before I have sex. Right. I got to drain it.

Because you got to have the tubes completely cleared. Yep. Yep. I get that, man. Aging. Ain't it fun? God. It's not.

No, it's not. But your brain gets better. I'm turning 60 next month. You're 60? No, I'm not 60. You're turning 60. Oh, you're turning 60. Amazing.

Because you don't look like, you know, a day over 73. No, that's the problem is I really do look 60. Like whenever there's a roast, you know, you roast the other panelists, it's all I get. What a fucking old piece of shit I look like. You know what? And I don't know if you and I had this conversation or if I had this conversation with somebody else. but when you do a roast, you really find out

what other people think about you. Like, if you want to find out what people think about you, be on the panel of a roast. Because you're like, no, I'm just a normal dude.

I'm just a fine guy. And then three people go up there and be like, he's such a prick. Yeah. He's so cheap. Yeah. He's such an asshole.

And that's just what I hear. Right. But like, but I think Kreischer told the story about like how he was doing a roast and, like after the fourth comic went after the fact that he never sees his kids he's like huh

maybe I need to check in on that what do you get well thankfully I just get I just get dwarfism people just look at the dwarfism part and when I've done a roast they just attack the dwarfism and I'm completely fine with that although I did a roast battle against the Sclar brothers and they did the most creative, I wish I had had some examples, but they did really creative for jokes, where I was looking at them like, I haven't written these. How the hell? Well done. The Sclar's are really good

writers. They're really good writers. Like, you know, obviously their performance levels off the charts because there's two of them and the way they have the rhythm. But they really are the kind of guys that will come up to me after a show and go, hey, that bit you do about that. Have you thought about They always have tags for you. And they got it. They came up, I'll say this on this podcast. In my most recent special called Starfish, it's on YouTube, they came up. Seven million views.

Eight now. Hey. Damn. I looked. They came up with one of my favorite jokes in that special. I'll give them credit. No shit. Yeah.

It was my wife is half Chinese. I'm half. that's a Sclar Brothers joke I did their show tag it at the comedy store where they will literally sit there watch your set and when you come up to them afterward they have 20 tags for all your eight minutes of jokes

and that was one of the tags I'm like holy crap that's like an off speed pitch yeah a guy's throwing heat a guy throwing heat all of a sudden that change up comes in and you got nothing for it it fucking gets you shout out to the Sclar Yes, shout out to the Sclaras, especially Randy.

Not Jason. Not Jason. All right, you and I are an agreement there. We like Randy. That would be funny if before a roast, if they were on the panel, if everybody beforehand decided to shit on Jason. I talk about what a great guy of Randy is. Randy, I got nothing for you. Jason, this piece of shit.

That would be very good. No, but I really, I got to say, I don't like kill. Tony. They kind of, everybody roasts you when you're on the panel and kill Tony. Yeah. And they all say I look like a, like I have AIDS or cancer. And I'm like, and I look in the mirror later and I'm like, Jesus Christ, do I look that bad?

And then like, I'll say on stage, I'll make a self-deprecating joke about my appearance. And I only do it because of these roasts. Yeah. And then the audience always goes, no, you look good. And like they mean it. Yeah. So I don't know. From one area.

But then, see, that's scary because I'm, I'm going to be a. Analyst on Kill Tony coming up in April. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, I'm like, oh, boy, here we go. Yeah. But like we said, that's when you find out more about, like more, I'll find out more doing a roast than my therapist will discover. Right.

Because I'll be like, oh, this is what people think about me. Right, right. This is what people truly think about me. Yeah. And the thing is, is that's, that's the joke that works. Yes. You know, like, if it's really specific and personal. Yeah. Like I did a roast. Remember Adam Eaget left and went to Austin, so they did a roast for him. And Tony Hinchcliff had just gotten canceled for the Chinese thing he did at the mothership. He made fun of the Chinese guy. He's looking back on it, you go like, are you fucking kidding me? All he did was like make some very generic Asian slams. For the stuff that has common sense.

Yes. Not saying just for Tony, but just in comedy in general. I'm like, yeah, we, we jumped the gun a little fast. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, so he'd been canceled like three days before. Yeah. And so I went on and I go, I go, oh, before we get started, anybody interested in a slightly used Corvette license plate, I roast?

Man, that is so good for comics. Yeah, yeah. Because Tony used to drive a Corvette with the license plate, I roast. I roast. And so one time I was driving back from Phoenix, home to L.A., and I just saw this got, I just saw Tony just go right by because I saw the I roast license plate. Wow. And I was like, I feel like I have to do something with this information. Like I have to call him right now and prank.

him some way, like do something because there was a Jimmy Kimmel had this legendary prank one time where he saw someone like break the law in traffic but he knew the person. Yeah. But then he's like oh I know that person. So he would call them and harass them like no, you ran over my plants when you did that turn. That was my plants. I'm coming after you.

And like the guy was terrified, scared out of his mind. That's good. But Jimmy knew. So like, yeah, like, I felt like I should have done something like that to Tony. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, yeah, he had, he had that Corvette. You always knew when he was at the store.

So we were talking before the podcast started, and I asked you if you're doing spots in town. Yeah. Because I see you're on the road a lot. Yeah. And you can't announce, like, they can't put your name on a lineup at the comedy store. Correct. Right now, because I'm doing the Wiltern Theater. In November.

In November. It's fucking February Yeah But it's this thing where it's this non-compete clause And they're usually it's like six weeks or two months Yeah, this is a long time So these venues are very serious So if you see a random name on a comedy store line up

Let's think of the name Because you know what's her name Ali Wong She has one We're not going to say what it is But yes she has one and yeah so I don't know if I'm going to do like something serious or it's just like a random name or it's like do I do a joke name. What was the name of that bourbon that you got in Lexington?

Oh, Pappy Van Winkle. Dude. You got to do Pappy Van Winkle. I mean, it's rare. It's valuable. It's kind of like what I want to be. Yes. I like this.

All right. Yeah, yeah. That is my nomad clue. Yes. Yeah. So yeah. And that, yes. But it's only on the lineup.

Now, the person will announce me, obviously, at Brad Williams, but, like, it's only on the lineup so people don't know that I'm... The whole philosophy is if they go see me at the comedy store, do 20 minutes, they won't buy a ticket to see my one-hour show, which I don't like that mentality because it's like... Yeah, I would think you'd go buy a ticket to see the full hour, but that's just me. Right, it's like a trailer. Yeah, it's like I saw the trailer.

Cool. Now I want to see the movie. How many seats is the will turn? Oh, like 2,000? Yeah, it's a lot of seats. So, and I'm that guy where I'm selling well, but I'm not the guy where you just put my name on there and then, boom, tickets are gone. Yeah. Like, so it's like, there's still.

Do you do local L.A. radio? Yeah. I think there are some really great morning shows here. Yeah. I love doing, I love doing Heidi and Frank. Yeah. I love doing Klein and Allie. Because I used to. Cline and Allie are great.

Because I used to work with them. Yeah. I used to work. I was the third person on that radio show in San Francisco. Oh, no. kidding. Yeah, I stopped doing stand-up. I was burned out from the road, and I was like, what is something? And then I got into the very stable world of morning radio. And they said, yeah, there's a show in San Francisco. Kevin Klein at the time was doing Playboy Radio.

And then brought me up there as he was interested in wanting me to join the crew, so I did. And I lasted about two months, man. And then I had to get out of there. Just couldn't get up that early. It's so fucking. And I would, we had to, We all know a lot of people in morning radio. So I'd call them our friends and be like, hey, when do you get used to it? They went, oh, never. You never get used to waking up at 4 o'clock in the morning, and then you're up. And you've got to be on.

Up on good. And then when you go to sleep at night, you're, like, if it's past 8 p.m., you're stressing out. Because now you're counting the hours. You're like, oh, my God, I'm only going to get whatever hours. So, yeah. But they did well. I was up there for three months, lost money, don't care, because I actually met my wife when we were up in San Francisco. Oh, nice.

That's how I met her. So, yeah, so overall, it's a win. But, yeah, love going on Klein and Alley. They're so fun. Yeah, my father did morning radio, and I used to have to drive him into work when I remember I was in high school. As an alcoholic, your dad did morning radio? Yeah. Well, he mostly did afternoon radio, but he got a morning job for a while.

And so I was in high school, and I remember I would be out, I'd be out drinking to, you know. So one night I'm out drinking, it's a Thursday night. I'm out with my buddies. And we, you know, we're annihilated. We end up in a 7-Eleven in town. And my friend gets yelled at by the guy behind the, this is at like 4 o'clock in the morning. It gets yelled at by the manager of 7-Eleven. So we start taking the garnish station.

and we're throwing handfuls of relish and onions. And we're fucking laughing our ass. Yeah. And then we... Now I know why you quit drinking. Yeah. And so we leave and I got to drive my dad at 4.30 in the morning. So I just go upstairs. Yeah.

I'm drunk. Yeah. And he comes and gets me. He used to make me wear a chauffeur's cap. And he had a Lincoln Town car. Oh, my God. So I would drive the car and he'd sit in the back and read the newspaper. Yeah.

And I'd drive in and we would always stop at 7-Eleven to get coffee. and so we walk in to get the coffee and the manager's fucking yelling at me my father's like, why is this guy yelling? I'm going to worry about it. It wasn't a Clark Kent scenario where you coming with a chauffeur's hat and he doesn't recognize you?

Right, right. Dude, here's another thing about, like, getting older. There are certain people that I only recognize because I see them in the same place every day. Yeah. Like, literally this happened right before I came in here. There's a mom in our neighborhood who I always see at school,

She's that's where she is. She's at school pickup. And then I just came from the gym and she was there and she starts talking to me, like we're friendly and I don't recognize her. My brain does not put two and do together. I'm like, who's this chick getting on me? Like I'm doing it right. Oh, she's not hitting on me at all.

Oh, it's a mom. Oh, fuck. Like it's that five minutes in the conversation. She said something and you're like, oh, that's where I know you from. But I faked it the whole time. Well, I have this, there's a disorder where you don't recognize faces. Yeah. I have.

Oh, really? I don't have it really bad, but I have it pretty bad. Huh. So why do you recognize me all the time? Do I have any other thing that stands out? It's the hat. It's the top of the hat, specifically. I was telling people that, like, someone was asking me at the comedy store why I wear the hats and then real reasons because I have thin hair and then a bald spot on the back, which, yeah, so I wear the damn hats.

and they went oh but it's it's really like giving you like a gimmick and I'm like yeah yeah like I need one I don't need a gimmick I got one you should always wear a red shirt so that's remember you that's what I should do yes absolutely I laugh so hard at that I don't need a fucking gimmick like no no one books Brad Williams and goes the hat guy if you You Google Hat Comic, I guarantee you I don't pop up. You Google something else before a comic, I guarantee you I'm the first guy. No, we did. Last time we hung out was at Skank Fest.

Yeah. And we did. Whose podcast that we do together? Oh, was that. Mark Norman. Tuesdays with stories. Yeah, yeah. That's Mark Norman, Joe List.

Yeah. And we had a lot of people on. We had Lewis. That was Jay Gomez. Yeah. And it's so hard. to do the comedy festival skank fest tell people that you did the comedy festival skank fest

and if they don't know who it is or what it is it's impossible to explain to them that it's not an actual skank fest isn't it like that kind of is but like it's a comedy festival it's not like we're going to the avian awards and they rebranded at skank fest right so yeah they did have a miss skank fest contest this year oh they did they did

And I think the winner, the winner they reunited her with her parents and rehab for her daughter. Wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful for her five-year-old daughter. They sent her to rehab. That was very kind to them. Very kind of them to do that.

There was some hard women in that contest. There was, and then they had a boxing thing. And boxing. Jason Ellis beat the shit out of somebody. Yeah. And then they had a nude roast. And the naked roast was. exactly that.

Yes. It's the roasters and the panel. Everyone on that stage was naked. Yeah. I saw some friends' penises. Yes. That I never intended to see. Oh, what's his name?

I mean, the black guy. Jamar neighbors. Who's just hung down. He's dragging that thing behind him. It's insane. I thought he brought a fire extinguisher on stage. Turns out it's his dick. Not only he, and it shoes foam, too.

Yeah. Thick, thick. It's fucking thick and it's actually really well shaped too. Sometimes the big ones get, they hang off to the side, band or whatever. Maybe there's a bad circumcision. There's some weird. But no, his is straight down. If you, if I could 3D print myself a dick, it would be Jamar neighbors' dick.

Now it would look really confusing with my skin tone. Yes. But no woman is going to have a problem with that. None. No. No, no one would look at that dick. on me and be like, ah, the skin tone. It's grossing me out.

You can have a tattoo of Hitler on the shit out. She's still going to fuck you. When you get a boner at hiles. That would be, see, this is the kind of stuff that'll get me canceled. Why not? Why not? Just throw it out there. It's Black History Month.

Sure. Yeah, but then that's why we're celebrating Jamar neighbors. That's right. And his dick, which literally his dick could be his opening act. Yeah. When he walked out with his dick, I thought he was going to grab his dick because he was going to talk into it. I thought it was the microphone. Right, right.

I thought it was. It was not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, actually his dick. Yeah. Amazing. And he really, like, he's got the ass, too. Like, then he turns around and he's got this, the cheeks are uplifted. And they go, the hips, it narrows.

The cheeks are less wide than the hips. He's got that V cut. Got the V cut. I don't know how you get that V cut. But well done, Jamar. What is his workout? I don't know. Running away from child support.

Hey! I don't even think he has a kid. I just said that. I was trying to think of a joke answer. Well, if you had a kid, you wouldn't know about it. It's weird because they were, right before they started, they asked me like, hey, do you want to be a panelist? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, okay, well, you're going to get naked.

I'm like, no. Not going to do that. And they said, oh, no, it's okay. We lock up the cell phones. And I go, like, oh, you got those yonder bags? And I go, well, no, we have a paper bag and we put the phones in a paper bag. Then we hand the person in the paper bag. And we tell them not to take photos.

I'm like, not doing it. Not doing it. I think I might have done it when I was younger. I'm not sure. I mean, I have a good size dick. I have a very, like, I've always gotten great responses from it. Well done. How about you?

I'm the definition of a grower but not a shower. Yeah. Soft, it's sad. Yeah. It's not good. And as you get older, it gets sadder, the soft version. It's going to get worse. Yeah.

Now, once it's at attention, I'm good, baby. You're good. I'm fine. That and on me, it looks bigger. Yeah. Because people always think that, oh, little guy is going to have like, but then like on me. No, I've always heard that dwarves have gigantic penises.

I mean, it's just the proportion. It just looks so big on us. Right, right, right. It's like you didn't expect that. It's like. It's like mag tires on a Honda Civic. Right. Yeah.

Exactly. Like, if you put, so my opening act is a very funny comic. His name is J.B. Ball. He's a 6'3 black guy. If you put my dick on him, me. Yeah. It's like, that's not what I expected. Right.

But my dick on me? Yeah. Good God. Yeah. What a cop. I always wondered if my father had a big penis, like where I got it from. You never saw it? Never saw my dad's penis.

Really? You saw your dad's penis? Yeah. How? There was one time. In the dark, in your room? There was one time that I saw it when we were on vacation together. And like, it's four people in a hotel room.

And he just came out of the shower and walked and got his underwear and put him on. Like it was nothing. Really? And yeah, I was 29 years old. No. No, I'm kidding. I was a young kid. I was a young kid.

Back when you could do that kind of thing. What did you think of his penis? Thought it was huge. Yeah. He probably fluffed before he walked in. He didn't want his son thinking he had a small penis. No, he's, yeah. He was probably in that shower like, I got to put on a show.

Yeah, yeah. I got to do that. I remember I got it. We have a hot tub in my backyard. and I go in naked. Sure. And so I was getting in naked one day, and my son walked out. And I don't think he had seen me naked before.

And I was not in a good place. I had tight underwear on, and I was all. It's before you get in? Yeah, no, after I get out, forget it. That's my best. Yeah, because if it was before you get in, shrinkage is real. It was shrink, and he saw it.

And I wanted to go, wait, wait, wait, way, way, way, way, come back. I'm back in 12 minutes when I get out. Hold on. Because, yeah, because you only really have one shot with your kids. That's right. You can't do it again. No. You can't be like, no, you come back here.

Yeah. Right now. Hold on. Okay. Now you can come back. Now you're hurry. You can't do that. You can't do that.

You'd be a monster. My daughter's never seen my penis. Yeah. Well, don't act like you're sad about it. You had this look on your face like, one of my biggest regrets in life. I'm a bad parent. I'm a horrible parent. I didn't even show my daughter my penis.

Because, yeah, I'm, yeah, because I'm like, because I have a daughter. She's six. And my wife sometimes, they'll get in the bath together or take a shower together, fine, whatever. And she'll be like, Daddy, are you going to take a shower? I'm like, no. No, I'm not. Yeah. Because I'm going to have my hot naked wife and then my daughter right there.

No. Right. Absolutely not. Yeah. This is not happening. And I don't want this to come up in therapy years later. Yeah. No.

Let's have it be something else. My daughter and wife used to take a bath together. And I remember my daughter was like two. Mm-hmm. And my wife has big tits. Good for you. And she breastfed the kids for two years each. Okay.

So my daughter was in the, bathtub with my wife and she pointed at my wife's nipples and she goes, is this where you blow up the balloons? That's so good. That's so good. And you go, no, that's where daddy blows into. That's where, I mean, yeah, you put daddy's mouth on that. Something's getting inflated.

Did you ever try to breastfeed your wife while she's. she was breastfeeding the kid. You're like, hold on, I got you. You never tasted it? No, never did. But we did. So we found out that there are several people in the bodybuilding community that want breast milk. No kidding.

They think there's like extra protein in there or there's some sort of some protein in there that's not found in regular milk. whatever, like it. Colostom or something. Something. I don't know. Ask Rogan. Yeah, yeah, right. He'll probably like, oh, yeah, yeah.

He's got a bottle of it under his death. It's just pounds it in between podcasts. But like, so we got like offers from people. Like I would get DMs from absolute strangers because, you know, once we made the pregnancy announcement. Yeah. Like on Instagram or whatever, like fans would write and be like, hey, I know this is weird. But if you're playing on breastfeeding, is there any way I can get some. some of that milk.

And I'm like, no, I'm blocking you. I know this is weird. Yeah. Anytime you have to start out of a sentence, I know this is weird, just stop. Dude, when I'm reading DMs from people, strangers, and they say something like that, I generally don't keep reading. Yeah. Or if they go, I got a pitch for a show, what do you think? I just immediately write back.

I don't read pitches. Yeah. Because if I were to sell a show down the road that's in any way. related to what you're pitching me. Now you're suing me. Right. Yeah. It's, uh, the, the, the, the, the part that I am almost, like, I'm sad about is that, because now

comics find out that I'm coming to their town and whatever local comics will DM me like, hey, can I get a guest spot? Yeah. And it's like, I all, I always say no because it's like, now it's like, I'm not doing the chuckle hud on a Thursday. Now I'm doing a theater. Yeah. Like, I can't have.

you as I and I don't know who you are. Yeah. Go up for five minutes. Do your joke about, you know, Hitler wasn't that bad. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, like, that's on the Brad William show that that happened. It's like, no, I got my crew. Well, there's a, there's a lot of reasons not to do it.

Yeah. One of them is they come in and they do a premise that you have. Yeah. And now you can't do that joke. Yeah. Or they come in and they bring their girls. a friend and their buddy and they sit in the green room for the entire show and they're

annoying and now I don't have my green room anymore right and I that that has happened at clubs no the longer I do it the more I really need like I had a good hang this weekend there's a guy that I knew from the comedy off Broadway that he was there

and then this woman featured from Cincinnati who was fucking great awesome and it was just one of those weekends where I was just really digging the green room there's a really fun hang. Dude, when people say, like, what's the best part of the road or whatever?

Or, obviously, the shows are fun. But for me, it's the 2 a.m. Waffle House with my buddies. Yeah. Who are both comics. Uh-huh. Like, I bring J.B. Ball on the road with me, and then he works at the comic store sometimes Quincy Weekly.

Oh, yeah, I know Quincy. Yeah. And I bring them with me. And sometimes Sarah Keller as well. But, like, when they're, when we're all together at the end of the night, Hell yeah. Yeah. Love a Waffle House.

Right. I will mess up a Waffle House. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have a Waffle House ordered? Do you have it memorized? I don't go to Waffle House. You don't go to Waffle House? Do you think you're too good for us?

Yes, I do. I really do. I look down on Waffle House and the people that go there. Oh, I love it because... I mean, I like the videos of the fights. Oh, that's the thing. Yeah. Because that's why you go to Waffle House.

You're hoping to see something like that. Yeah. at worst you get killed. So that's... Yeah. Yeah. But, like, I've had some legendary... So, like, there...

One time we all went to the Waffle House and they had one of those touch-tune jukeboxes in the Waffle House. And in the Waffle House, it became a competition. You got control of the Touch-Tunes for three songs. Okay.

And then everyone judged your songs. And is it, like, Spotify, like you could pick any song? You can pick any song. Yeah. So you had three songs and bro, I felt more pressure picking my songs and these are all strangers. So no one

knows you. So they don't know anything about you and I felt more pressure picking those songs. And then you pick a song like, you know, the end by the door is just 13 minutes long and it's a bummer of a song. Yeah. Yeah, it was a... This is the end.

Yeah, this is the end. 30 minutes. Yeah, I did a Jesus of Suburbia by Green Day 12 minutes. I fucking hate Green Day. You don't like Green Day? Hey, Green Day. I love Green Day. Fucking bubble gum punk.

They call themselves punk. They're not punk. Well, it's like what's your definition of punk then? Anti-establishment. There are a bunch of rich kids from Northern California that play the same. Like, the lead singer's voice has no grit to it. Oh, man. I love them.

But that's cool. That's okay. Well, why don't you go to the Waffle House? houseless in a green day and I'll just take a pass. What were the other ones? No, no, my songs that I picked, I led with Candy Girl. Oh, okay. And Candy Girl made the whole place go, okay.

Yeah. Didn't expect this little white boy to bust out Candy Girl. So that, so that got him on my side. Is that new edition? I believe so. Yeah. Yeah. So you go Candy Girl and then I did a complete 180.

and did a limp biscuit nookie and that made everyone go like wow where do his allegiance lie no gps here yeah and then ended with backstreet boys i want it that way and people were very happy they were very happy with that okay but like there was a couple people that did some shit that had a at a waffle house full of strangers booing them yeah and that's just like so that's when it when it finally got to me i was scared I was fucking nervous. What are my three songs? Yeah, if you're at a Waffle House. Now, also you're a comedian, so you have to analyze the audience and be like, what do you got?

And this Waffle House was mixed race, mostly black, and mostly young. You're not going to lose with Prince in that group. Very true. That's a good call. But which Prince song? Because if you go with Darling Nikki, I don't know. Yeah. You could say she was a sex fiend.

I think I'd go with Prince. I think I would go with the clash. I don't care what color you are. Okay. That's a good one. London Calling. And then I'm going to play some, God, if I'm probably black, I'd go. See, this is very, a lot of thought goes into this.

Oh, some P-Funk or some parliament. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, okay, okay. Play like some George Clinton or something? Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah.

Yeah. It's, that was a lot of pressure. But that was one of my favorite Waffle House stories. There was one time the whole crew went to Walth House. We were the only people in the Waffle House. The cook was on a drug. I don't know what this drug was. I don't know what it was because he kept cooking.

He was never not moving. Yeah. And it took over an hour for him to make. three orders of eggs. Yeah. Like, so he was always moving. Uh-huh. Nothing was getting done.

Right. I have no idea what this drug was. My wife would argue I'm on this drug at the house, but where I'm just moving constantly, but nothing happens. But, yeah, I was fascinated by it. And then the waitress, the one waitress that was there, was on whatever is a slows you down drug. Ketamine? Probably. Yeah.

I don't know. Because all the tables were still. dirty and she was just looking at him like wow there's some dirty tables so you yeah but here's the thing about the waffle house when you say the table's dirty the table's always dirty because they come over with this rag that's soaking in bacon grease and then they wipe it across the table and your hands stick to it yep and flies are attracted to it because there's like maple syrup baked in yeah but those Waffles are good. Are they?

I like them. I love a Waffle. I mean, I love coffee shops because I'm from New York. I love a good, but I want a Greek coffee shop. Greek coffee shop. Now why Greek? They just, it's what they do. They made the first coffee shop.

I mean, picture the quintessential New York coffee cup is the blue. It's the Parthenon, it's the Acropolis, right? And then they're fast service. They get you in, they get you out. The food's not spectacular, but it's consistent. Now, when you have a coffee shop, Do you want the, do you want the pretentious coffee shop? Or like, what do you like?

No, no, I went down and dirty. Okay. Yeah. All right. So, so you're, we're kind of on, we're getting to Waffle House. No, but Waffle. Because you don't want pretentious. Waffle House is next to a truck stop.

Yes. Waffle House is, um. Certain food. I want to be scared while I'm eating it. Yeah. Certain food. Right. Like late night Waffle House, that's why.

one of them. Mexican food, I don't want to be too fancy. Yeah. Give it to me from a truck. Right. Where they're like, I don't want to, if there's a grade on the window that says C, you're like, cool. Ah, super cool. Yeah, this is going to be awesome.

Right, right. This is going to be delicious. Yeah. I'm not worried about it at all. Wow. Yeah, but there's. Actually, not that long ago. Yeah.

I got the chicken and dumplings from a cracker barrel. And that got me. Dumplings will often give you food poisoning. And see, I love, see, every culture has a dumpling. That's a dumpling. A version of a dumpling. Right. And so it's like, I love that.

My wife's Chinese, she's introduced me to like really good Chinese dumplings, like the ones that are filled with hot soup. Yeah, soup dumplings. Oh my God. Those are amazing. What the fuck, get her act together, white people. What are our dumplings filled with? I mean, ravioli?

Yeah. Yeah, that's an dumpling. That's Italian. That's Italian dumpling. You got canishes, those are what, German? Okay, those are pretty good. Perogies? Perogies are Polish.

I've had really good parogies. Yeah. But yeah, like, oh man, man, but hot soup dumplings. Those are my favorite. Just the sensation of biting down on it and it squirts, delicious fluid into your mouth. It's amazing. As your teeth work away through the pasta section.

It's amazing. And then you get some good pork meat, possibly mixed with crap. Oh, it's amazing. Yeah. That's what I like. But yeah, chicken and dumplings from Cracker Barrel because, yeah, we went into Cracker Barrel after the rebrand fiasco. Yeah. And where it was like, they took off the guy.

Oh, right. And then all of a sudden, like, right wing came up and was like, put the racist back on the Cracker thing. And then, like, put them back on there. And then we're like, all right, let's go to Cracker Barrel when it's chaos. Wait, why did they take the guy off? I forget. I don't know. It was like a rebrand or something.

But it had to do with race. No, I don't know. I don't know. Well, that's Cracker right in the name. Yeah. Maybe take that out of it. Yeah, you just kind of assume. Do you remember the club in Indianapolis Crackers?

Yes. There were two. There were two. It was downtown and there was Broad Ripple. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That club, this is my favorite story from me playing that club. And it's no longer there.

So it's like we could talk shit about the club and the club owner now. I showed up. Yeah. And I showed up to the club and there was another dwarf in the green room when I got there. I opened the door. There was another dwarf and I was like, hey, because this is also the time when I'm like, I'm not really bringing my features on the road. Wasn't making as much money. Is that like walking in on your wife with another guy in the room?

There's already another dwarf. I thought maybe there's a dwarf comedian And I was like Hey dude Like are you the host or He goes Brad I came here to see you I walked in the front door

They walked me right back here To the green door That happened A dwarf walked into my chair What if I had been late What if I had showed up late When they would just look at them like Get up there

He's like I bought a ticket That was my favorite That was my favorite story from that club I was at the Tampa Improv Which is a very rowdy club It's down in the Ibor, what's it called? Ebor City Ebor City

Lots of roosters Is there? Yeah, a lot of chickens and wild chickens and roosters running around It's funny because it has like A combination of all the worst elements of Florida You've got like trucks Monster trucks with the big wheels

with rednecks with the wrap around sunglasses. Yes. And then you get a low rider, a Cuban guy and a low rider. And then you get some black people in a SUV with the music so loud that you can't, you have to stop your conversation while they drive by. I'm so glad you actually had a description. And you just say like, the worst white people with this, this, this, this, this, this. The worst Cubans with this, this, this.

And then black people. I'm glad you had description. And you didn't just stop. Just black people on a long pause. I just look at you. Like, you know. But the people that play their music that loud. Yeah.

And then, or the motorcycle with no muffler, where you go like, okay. So in the 20 seconds, you're driving past me on the street. I literally have to stop my conversation. Yes. Yeah, you're a day. That's how entitled you are. Yeah. If I was a cop, that would be the number one.

thing I would do all day because they have a meter where they can gauge how loud your your motor is. Oh, the noise are. And they write you a ticket. I would do that all fucking day. You would, you would make the city so much money. Oh my God. Tampa and specifically Ebor has a, it has, there's a specific type of person, uh, there. And, uh, oh, I remember so my opening act is from Tampa. J.B. Ball is from Tampa. And we were walking back to that hotel that we all stay at there. And we saw a fight. And it was between a man and a woman.

And I was like, holy shit, we got to go like help. And he grabs me and goes, I can't help. Because if I run over there and then the cops show up, they see a black man standing over a white woman. Right. I can't argue my way out of that. Wow. And I'm just like, like, you ever have those moments where you're like, oh, I never thought about that. Yeah.

That is something you have had to live with. Right. And you have had to come to grips with. And there might be people watching this, listening to this, that go, that wouldn't have happened. Like, he's had experiences. Yeah, but he didn't have to put 20 bucks on the guy. He didn't have to cheer him on. You didn't have to yell out.

again. Like you didn't have to do that. But that was one of those moments where I was like, oh, we have lived different lives, my friend. Right. Right. But then, but then so upon seeing that, we started having a debate because I, I see a man, like, hitting a woman. I immediately think, okay, you got to go in there and help that one. Yeah. No hesitation. Right. And then I've been in scenarios where someone is. threatening me where strangers come up and immediately back me up because they see a dude a tall dude fighting a dwarf you're like wow the the dwarf is innocent here like like that like that's what they assume right right what if what if hypothetical what if male

dwarf is fighting average size woman who do you help interesting who do you help who do you you know what I mean that's like in that snap judgment who do you who do you who do you run and save. I don't know. I guess you got to beat them both up. You just come in, little dusty roads flip-flop and fly. You just go, I deliver two kicks and then go on my merry way.

Yeah. Yeah, I saw a guy. I was in Brooklyn. I wrote on crashing for a few seasons and we would shoot in New York for like three months. I loved that show. Were you on it? I was never on it.

I was the one comment. That was never on it. But we shot New York. There's a lot of New York comics. Yeah, I loved it. Here's, for the people that didn't like crashing, a lot of comics, some comics didn't like crashing. And the reason why it was always,

dude, he's getting everything so fast. It's just all of a sudden, he's doing this podcast, he's doing this show, he's on TV, he's doing this. That's not realistic. I'm like, if you want realistic, the show has got to be open mics for seven years. Exactly. You can't do that. Yeah.

And you do think that when you, When you join the cast of NCIS, there really is a crime every seven minutes you're investigating. Oh, my God. No, it's a lot of driving around. A lot of just like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, when you watch New York-based cop shows, they don't just go to a diner and sit and sit there for the entire hour. That would be very realistic, too.

Exactly. Shit has to happen. Yeah. So, yeah, I loved crashing. Love that show. Well, yeah. But the reason I bring it up is I was living in Brooklyn. and I came out one night and there was a guy beating a woman, you know?

Black. Yeah, yeah, he was. And so I started walking towards them, looking at them. Yeah. Just because I don't give a fuck how big they are. I'm going to break the fight up. Yeah. So I keep walking at the guy and then he pulls a gun.

Oh. Did that change your direction? of moving. I changed my direction. And I walked away and then he hit her again. Yeah. And I called 911 and knowing in New York City, they'll be here in 45 minutes. Yeah.

These people will be gone. Yeah. Yeah. And it disturbed me for so long. Yeah. Of course it would. Because you felt like you should have done something. But at the same time, guys got a gun.

He will shoot me. What are you going to do? Yeah. Yeah. When stuff like that happens, I'm very aware of my dwarfism. Yeah. Because I'm like, I'm going to, no, I'm not. Yeah.

I'm not going to do shit. Or if I come up, they think it's like a prank show that's like running up on them. They might stop because they think, well, if he's here, there's going to be cameras. Right, right, right. They're going to be following. If he's here, 13 more are on their way. There's never just one. Check under that car right there.

There's got to be more under there. Yeah, we'd hop out of the sewer drains. That'd be really funny. Make a pyramid, top guy jumps on you. Just form up. Power Rangers type. Are you like wrestling? Yes.

Oh, you are? I'm very much into wrestling. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I book the Chris Jericho Rock and Wrestling Rager at Sea. Oh, I know about that. Yeah, buddy. Yeah.

Yeah. So that, I book it. It's wrestling. It's comedy and it's metal on a. boat for three days and I fucking love it. That's amazing. I love wrestling because I see it for what it is. I'm not the guy that's going on.

He's actually kicking his ass. Like, I'm not doing that. I see it as just another form of storytelling and I really enjoy it. But when you were a kid, did you think it was real? Oh, yeah, when I was a kid at that was real. And then, like, there's that Santa Claus moment where you go. Oh. Yeah.

But now, I actually really like the fact that it's amazing to me that there's a time when in our country where like and not long ago in like the 70s and 80s where people actually thought no these are two guys really fighting right like yeah you thought a guy doing a drop kick off the top rope was like actually happening but now

but no because when it started and it was like Captain Lou Albaano like they really didn't do the kind of acrobatic shit that they did later it did seem like it was possible. Yes, yes. You watch some old clips and you're like, oh, okay.

Yeah. But then now that we know it's scripted, now I think wrestling gets to be more fun. Yeah. Because you get to, now we know it's scripted. So now we can really do some crazy shit. What do you think about Vince McMahon's wife being the head of the department? Yeah. Listen, she might be good at her job.

I don't know. I don't think she is. but just the fact that it's Vince McMahon's wife. So funny. You could tell me like, well, she ran a Fortune 500 company. I'm like, that doesn't mean she knows what. So the person. Is she transportation or is she education?

I think she's education. I'm, yeah. Or education. Yeah. Yeah. So the person that put on like Holkogen versus all that. And like she ran the company. She, like that's the person that's in charge of what is being taught to kids.

She worked in an office at a school for like six months at one point in her life. That was her credentials. Yeah. Cool. Let's put the future of our children. Yeah. In her hands. So I just did a show in Michigan where I was at the DeVos Hall.

This is Grand Rapids, I think. And it's the DeVos family who was the last. Betsy DeVos. Betsy DeVos. So I was asking people because I'm like, I'm doing the DeVos, I'm doing the DeVos. So I was asking some locals like, what do you guys think about the DeVos family? Yeah. And a lot of them were like, listen, that family has been great to our city.

They built halls. They've done so much for charity. They've infrastructure. They've donated so much. And then this fucking, like they don't like Betsy because she went and was out in public. It's like, they used to be the family that was like, hey, we'll do our politic thing on the side. You won't know what we're into, but now we're just, but we're going to help the city. Right.

And now it's like, now people see it when they just think of, they just think of Betsy. So that's what that town thinks of them. Which is very interesting. She's evil. She's fucking evil. Because she was also Secretary of Education. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's, what do you got? You think in order to be Secretary of Education, you'd have to have like a degree in like child psychology or child development or educational planning or something. This is what Trump is doing. He wants to sink. I don't know why. but the Republicans don't like the Department of Education. Like they think it's brainwashing or something from the left. So they want it gone.

Okay. So they purposely put somebody in that would fail it. And I think it's the same with the U.S. Postal Service. Oh, they want that to be. They want everything privatized. That's why they're giving school vouchers out. They're given any kid that wants it in certain states, $10,000 a year to go to a private school,

which usually means a Christian school. So this is all about the Christian nationalism and getting kids taking that money that would go to a public school in the pool to help everybody. Now they're putting it into these private schools. I don't know enough about that. Oh, Brad doesn't like talking politics. I saw you go neutral on me when I started talking about it. No, the thing is, I clearly have my opinions. But at the same time, I never want to tell someone something and then just be so far wrong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm so far wrong on so much where I'm like, don't trust me. All right. Well, I have so many other things I want to ask you. Let's get to fastballs with fits. Ooh, fastballs. Okay. We had our change up earlier.

Let's do fastballs. Who's your best Asian friend? My wife. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And your kid. Yeah, my wife and my kid. Yeah.

Oh, the kid, hate the kid. No, but what? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so, yeah, that was a pretty easy answer. Now, did she come from like a tiger mom kind of a family? Um, you push her hard? Hmm. She pushed herself hard.

She did. Yeah. She, like, yeah. Yeah. She pushed herself hard. But did she get that work ethic from her family, you think? No. It was, it was, it was, I mean, her mom worked.

Her mom worked really hard. Yeah. But this was not a, this, this is a weird topic because she doesn't want me talking a lot about her family. But yeah, she got her work ethic. She developed it and also got it because my wife enrolled in martial arts at a very young age and got the work ethic and structure. She's an instructor, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fourth Dawn Black Belt. So, like, yeah, now you know why I'm being very careful with my words and why I don't want to piss her off. Have you ever fought her, like, for fun? We did one time wrestle, like, and then there got to a point where it was like, oh, we should stop this. One of us is going to get hurt. Emotionally or emotionally, physically, something.

The cops are going to be called. We're going to be on the show cops. Right. They're going to absolutely air it because dwarf with tall, attractive Asian woman. Yeah. That's going to make the cut. So yeah, there was one time where we're like, yeah, we should stop. If you videotape that, you could have gotten a lot of money.

So much money. I think about that all the time. I think about all the time. I'm like, if I only just didn't have these morals and if I just didn't care about the mental health of my child. Oh, I know. I can be so rich. Oh, my God, you should see my feet. Oh.

If I put them on Onlyfans, they're beautiful. Yeah. I like that and I got dwarf feet. That's a really niche fetish. Yeah. So, like, people really want to see that, who really want to see that? I can start stomping on cupcakes and just get so much money. But I don't.

You could reenact that. Remember the first viral video of the woman stomping grapes? And then she, like, fell over and she made a noise that can only be described as from the depths of hell. That was the greatest. Yeah. That was the first viral video. Yeah. And then cut back to the newsroom.

Hey, it looks like she's hurt. Ooh, that looked like it didn't feel good. And he gets. And they left the sound on so you can still hear. Yeah, just in the back on. Here, here, here. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

It's so. There's certain videos I can go back to and watch over and over and over. That's one of them. Yeah. Thousand percent. That's one of them. Yeah. I always, when you do morning TV, morning news people, they have to remain stoic.

or like, could you say anything controversial on a morning news show? Yeah. They always do the, oh, hey. Yeah. It's like, I didn't say anything bad there. Yeah. You know, that's why I love Sam Morrill. Yeah, he always does it.

He always does it. He goes on those shows on purpose to be like, I'm going to say the word. I'm going to say you have pedophiles in your newsroom. Yeah, yeah. And then watch. And then they still, news shows keep having them on. Right. That's how much research.

they do. Dude, you know what you should do? Have you ever done Good Day, LA? Yeah. They're great. They're awesome. First of all, they're all smoking hot, but they're also really smart and funny and fast. Yeah.

I love going on there. Yeah, that one's fun. Just do that to promote your little theater show. I should to promote the Wiltern in November. Get your tickets, Brettweepscombe.com. Who killed JFK? I don't know. Don't say Jackie.

Isn't that one thing Trump was going to do? Wasn't it going to release the files or whatever? Yes, he was. Wasn't he going to, what did he say? I'm going to release the files. He looked. It turns out it was his uncle or something. I have no idea.

No, I think there's some deep, moneyed, old blood people that are not going to allow those files to get out. When you look into who JFK was and then more importantly who his family was and where they came from, almost nothing would shock me. Right. Like, I don't know the, like, Jackie wouldn't even cut the top 10 of things that would shock me. Right. You know what I mean? Right. So the answer is I don't know, but the answer is, no, no, what the answer is, I wouldn't be shocked.

Yeah. If you said, no, Frank Sinatra pulled the trick, or I'd be like, of course. Yeah. Like, I wouldn't, like, nothing would shock me at that point. Yeah. When's the last time you, like, deeply apologized? I'm married every day. No, I mean.

deep though, not like getting out of a little like... So not just oh, sorry, I peaked at the waitress but like... Right. No, like when you've had to like pre-plan what you're going to say type of apology. Ooh. What did I do? First of all, what did I do?

What did I do? Yeah. What did I do? It's always going to be man. Because like I apologize to my wife a lot. Uh-huh. But like there's never a, like,

Like there hasn't been a, oh, fuck. Like, I really fucked up. Yeah, waking up with blood on your hand. What did I do? What did I do? Like, I haven't had that moment. I'm thinking. Where's my deep apology?

Maybe you're just a really good guy. No, that can't be it. That can't be it. I can't be a good, you know. no, but I didn't do anything wrong there. I had to fire a representative recently. Oh, that's tough. I felt really bad.

Uh-huh. And, but, like, I apologize, but I didn't do anything wrong. Yeah. But I just felt bad. Felt bad for the situation. Yeah, it was, like, it's a business thing. All right. But, yeah, like, I don't remember a really deep apology.

And maybe that's a bad thing because maybe that means, oh, I probably have some that are owed. Yeah. I like to apologize to my kids when it's appropriate because I feel like it really lets them see that I'm human and it lets them see that it's okay to apologize, no matter what you think the power structure is or anything. Which is a very important quality. Yeah. Because that's the thing is right now we're living in a time where it's like it used to be like, oh, you do something wrong. If you have shame, like you apologize. Now it's like never apologize.

Never say you're sorry. Never show weakness. It's like it's not weakness. Right. Because, you know, I would, I trust someone more if they apologize to me when they are obviously in the wrong. If they acknowledge they did something wrong. Fucked up. No problem.

Now just repeat the lie. Repeat the lie. Yeah. And just, you know, go in. And I don't, I don't like that. I don't like, I don't want my daughter to be raised with that mentality. Like, no, if you fuck up, apologize. And also, here's the next one.

If someone does give you one of those heartfelt apologies, okay. You have to, like, you can't be three years later. No, you got to accept it immediately. You got it. You got it. You got to accept it. Yep. And, yeah, so that's, yeah, that, those are the rules.

Like, yes, encouraged to apologize, but also encourage to forgive apologies. All right, last question. Okay. I feel like I've been bad on these questions. I feel like I need a really good answer for this one. This one's going to be good. Okay. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done?

Oh, what's that? God. Look at the wheels turning. Oh, man, the hackiest bit, the one I'm ashamed of. Uh, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Oh, all right. Oh, yeah, I used to do a bit. where I would say

like I hate going into Starbucks because they always look at me weird when I order a tall coffee that's really bad that's really bad I did that that was a bad

I'm sure I could go back Can I get a half-calf? Can I fill it with half and half? That's my creamer of choice so many jokes like that there there there there's a bunch of jokes way when when i started but yeah the tall coffee one yeah that's pretty bad that's pretty bad yeah and and it killed that's the thing about the bad ones they kill and then you can't let them go when you're starting out yeah it's there are so many

jokes whereas comics we see them and we see them work and and we go mother yeah you know what I mean Yep. It's like having sex with an ugly girl who has great tits. And you're like, I'm coming back. I can't take her out. I'm not taking her on a date. I'm not telling my friends that I'm going out with her. But I'm coming back.

That's what a hack joke is. Because when you're on a podcast or you're all talking with other comics, you're not going to say, you know, oh, I'm doing this bit right here where I said, tall coffee. and fucking they're all going to look at you like I can't be friends with you anymore Yeah Like but then you They used to do a thing Who was telling me about

In New York They used to do a thing called Maybe Bobby Kelly told me this Called Hack Court Where like Colin Quinn And Patrice O'Neill And they'd stand around you in Giroldo And they would dissect your set

And call you a hack on certain jokes And you had to stand there and take it Hack Court Man and with first of all If that's who the dais was Quinn, Patrice, Greg. Yeah. You have to accept whatever they're...

Yes. Because Patrice is going to tar you up even if you're not. And Greg and Colin are just such good writers. Yeah. There are certain people, like, there are certain comics out there. If they called me a hack, I'd be like, I do not care what you say to me. Right. Like, I don't care.

You can never say anything to me that would make me. that would make me give a fuck. Yeah. But there are definitely certain comics out there where if they look at me, went, ooh, that's your joke? Yeah. I'd be like, oh, no, no. Like, for me, if, like, if Conan O'Brien was ever on a podcast and said,

I really don't like Brad Williams comedy, he's very simple, I'd be like, ah, I think that would fucking kill me. That would kill me. I was on a New York radio show, and I, the guy said, have you done spots in town? I was like, yeah, I went out last night, and I had to follow this guy. It was fucking the worst. Just so hacky and, like, lame crowd work. And the guy, and he said, what club?

I said, I'm not going to say what club. I'm not going to say who it was. And then somehow he pulls it out of his ass and he names the guy. And I just didn't say anything. So it comes back. The guy DMs me the next day. Yeah. And he kind of like goes like, hey man, maybe you shouldn't pay so much attention to the guy.

I'm sorry, you didn't have a good say. But then I saw him and I said, hey, man, I really, and I apologized on the DM. Sure. But then when I saw him, I said, hey, man, I'm really sorry. He goes, no, you know what? I need to change my act. He goes, I am a hack, and I'm not proud of what I do, and I know I can do better. And I was like, well, I didn't expect that.

That guy, Dave Chappelle. And now he's one of the best comics of the world. Brad Williams, you can see him live at Missouri State, Tulsa. Oklahoma, Lubbock, Texas, Duluth, Grand Forks, Winnipeg. Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, the Club Regent Event Center. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, we sold out the first show, so we added a late show. Nice.

Yeah, still some tickets available for the late show. Louisville, St. Louis, Kansas City, Sioux City, Minneapolis, Milwaukee. Go to Brad Williamscomedy.com, get some tickets. I mean, what can we say about your live shows? They're like, you're a fucking powerful comic, man. you kill. It's original. It's funny. I'm not the guy that's going to call you a hack. I'm going to call you a good comic. Thank you for that. And it's been a long, you know, it's 22 year career so far. So, yeah, when I started off, definitely a lot of the tall coffee

jokes and a lot, a lot of the most basic dwarf humor. There was a lot of that. You know, I could take a bath and a thimble. That's weird. A lot of shit. But now it's like, I'm, I'm, I've gotten to a point where I'm really happy with the act. The responses are really great. And people come up to me. One of my favorite responses is I do a free meet and greet after every show. You do? Free meet and greet.

How long does that take? Two hours. No shit. Yeah. I'll meet everybody who wants to meet me. Oh, my God. You guys, the fans pay my mortgage. It's the least I could do.

Don't you worry about getting sick? Yep. That's what I hate about the meet and greet. Because people want to take a picture and they put their arm around you when they talk like three. inches from your face. Yeah, I'm getting that, I'm getting that immune system up. Yeah. Now, when I'm, now, probably when I get over 50, I'll be like, I should stop that.

Yeah. Because pneumonia could take me out. Oh, yeah. So, but yeah, the number, the thing I love hearing is when people come up going, I didn't know who you were. I'm here because my date brought me, my friends brought me. I like you. Yeah, you're really good.

I go, fuck yeah. No, people feel good after your shows. Your comedy is very like, it's not like you're doing uplifting things, but just your energy is very conducive to people feeling really good. Thank you. That is conscience. I do that on purpose. Yeah. And I found this out.

When I do it, someone told me this years ago and it was great advice. They say when you write a joke, make sure you win. Because the audience doesn't want to see someone who they perceived a bit. be disabled, lose. Interesting. They'll be sad. Right. So I'm like, oh shit, you're right.

And I'm conscious of that. So when I write a joke or I tell a story, normally I win in the end in some way. Now, once you learn the rules, you can learn how to break them. Yeah. But so I don't just triumph in every fucking joke I tell. But there's ways to do it. And yeah, that's an effort.

I want people to feel good. I'm not trying to divide people. I'm not trying to. No, you won't even talk politics. Oh, is that a hot button issue in our country? I had no idea. So if you can never lose, is that why Gary Goldman goes up and talks about being depressed and his life sucks? Because he's a beautiful tall white guy.

Because he's a beautiful 6'7. You don't want him winning. No, I want to see you lose. It's like Tom Brady can't go on stage and be. And just say, yeah, life is fucking great. You're like, yeah, we know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at you.

Like when he got divorced, people were like, yeah. Yes. You can't have it all. You can't have it all. Brad Williams, thank you. Thanks for coming back on the show. Always love having you. Thanks for having me.

I will come back to the show whenever you will have me. You're the best. Yeah, buddy. And now we're going to do a meet and greet for two hours. Okay, let's go. Give me the hand sanitizer.