Fitzdog Radio - Brian Holtzman - Episode 1062

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

Many of you may not have heard of Brian Holtzman but he is a unique, unfiltered comic voice, and I think you will be hearing a lot more from him in the next year. He had a lot of good laughs on this one.Follow Brian Holtzman on Instagram @BrianHoltzman

Welcome to Fitts Dogg Radio, the Olympics edition. Well, it's a lot of editions. There's a lot of big news on today's podcast besides my guest Brian Holtzman, who will be on in just a bit. We interviewed him, we, what am I, a broadcasting company? I interviewed him today and he was fantastic. He's kind of a sleeper. You've never heard of him or some of you have, but if you haven't, he's a treat. And one of my producers said it was the best podcast

he'd seen me do. So that's what you have in store for you. Brian Holtzman out of Austin, Texas, formerly LA, formerly San Francisco, formerly Long Island. But I'm watching the Olympics. And it is weird because but I'm watching the Olympics and it is, it is weird because I'm watching the women's gymnastics

and the women are thick in a good way. Like the way a black guy says it, thick with the thong running up the ass. And then you stop and you go, and the announcer goes, she's 14 out of Memphis. You're like, whoa, hey, how about throwing some asses on those leotards?

How about some shorts maybe? I felt so fucking dirty, like Chris Hansen was gonna pop out of the closet and go, what are you watching there, Greg? And I'd fucking dart for the back door, run, get tackled in the bushes by a couple of guys in camo police outfits.

So yeah, I'm gonna to lay off the girls. It's not women's, it's girls gymnastics. I'm going to lay off that for a little while. Maybe cool off with some fencing. Maybe some women that are wearing full hijabs and have knives in their hands. Maybe I need to back off a little bit on the female sport. I saw Brittany Greiner on the women's basketball today.

I had no idea she was that tall. Holy shit. Where did they get a prison cell big enough for her? My joke, if you missed it about her was, I think it's, she's back and I think it's historic because it's the she's back and I think it's historic because it's the first time any of us has been aware of a trade in the WNBA. That's it, that's all it was.

Lot of people got upset. I wrote a tweet today and I don't go on Twitter very often. Once in a while I think of a corny one-liner and then I go to Twitter and I put it on there. I'm mostly on Instagram. And so my tweet today, let me read it so I don't fuck up what I said exactly. And by the way, is it possible, because I tried to, I tried to unfollow Elon Musk because he writes so many tweets that mostly make me upset. That I tried to unfollow him. You can't! Unless I'm missing something, I think you are forced to follow him and his dozens of tweets every day.

So anyway, here's what I wrote. I wrote, Russia banned so they won't be meddling in this year's Olympics. They will make up for it by meddling in this year's election. Not bad. And oh, you should have seen some of the feedback from that one. Somebody said, oh, please. And then somebody got, somebody said, oh please.

And then somebody got, somebody said, where is it? Full of shit as usual. Someone else said, are we still pushing that tired narrative? We have a world's worth of nonsense coming from within our own country. So Russia didn't try to meddle in the last election.

Here's the thing about this fucking country. Why go so hard on your side that you can't even acknowledge? And it's true for liberals too, that you can't even acknowledge that there's some truth on the other side. There was meddling, there was interference, and whatever, I'm not going down that road.

Anyway, what else? Watched, I haven't seen any break dancing. I know that they made break dancing an Olympic sport this year, because I think it's just America once again, force feeding our sports down the Olympic committee's face, just to show our, it's a big dick contest. First it was skateboarding and fucking snowboarding,

totally American sports, like nah, that's gonna be international now. I think we're gonna do pretty good by the way. Next year it's gonna be like, or in four years. It's gonna be like, now there's a competition on the sidelines among soccer moms, just slap fights between soccer moms. That's what we do well. Drunken golf cart rallies?

Maybe? Maybe you have some punchlines. Send them in to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. I think there's something funny. I love that I'm writing Olympics jokes. I'm going out tomorrow night to do some shows. I'm like, I'll do some Olympics jokes. Why? Once they're good, it takes weeks to get a joke to work.

And by then, nobody wants to hear about the fucking Olympics. Volleyball, I like watching that. The women's volleyball on the sand is so athletic. They're so amazing. But I can't help think about what these chicks are doing to their skin. They are out there probably in the sun six hours a day. They don't even wear hats. They are out there probably in the sun six hours a day.

They don't even wear hats. And they're just, they're dark brown. And I just think, you know how this ends. This ends with them looking like they're the dying king from House of Dragons. Just big hunks of flesh flaking off. Other sports, gymnastics, maybe you get from House of Dragons, just big hunks of flesh flaking off. Other sports, gymnastics,

maybe you get like a Gatorade sponsorship, or volleyball, or what's another sport? Swimming, maybe you get like a Wheaties box. And if you're volleyball, you're just getting like band-aids for your blister fucking hospice care wigs I don't know anyway what am I wasting time for what I want to talk about today today the day that this podcast airs will be July 31st 2024 which happens to be a very special day in my life, an extremely special day that I've been looking forward to, which is my 25th

wedding anniversary. I have been lucky enough to be joined at the hip for the last two and a half decades to the most wonderful person I have ever known in my life. And I look, nobody wants to hear this because it feels like we're showing off. 25 years of just being best friends. People don't want to hear it. It's like I'm trapped in a happy marriage. That's how I describe our relationship.

There's no getting out. I have never, and I am not exaggerating when I say, I have never once fantasized about getting out of this relationship. And that's coming from a guy who, all I did was think about that. Every relationship I was in, I was constantly thinking about that every relationship I was in I was constantly thinking about getting out breaking up I feel trapped I and it just

we just spent two weeks on the East Coast went from Vermont down through New York and we stayed with different friends and we just had adventures you know mushroom hunting in the woods and tubing through a river in Vermont at sunset. Just always, we just enjoy each other. I'm attracted to her. I think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. I did the day I met her.

I do now. I said to her friend, her friend introduced us. I said to her friend that night, I said, I am gonna marry your friend. I'm marrying your friend. And three years, and this was at the Friars Club. Three years later, I proposed in the Milton Berle room of the Friars Club, we slow danced to Unforgettable, which was

our song because on our first date we were walking down the Bowery in New York and a homeless guy started singing Unforgettable and we stopped and we danced, we slow danced and then I threw the guy, I threw him 10 bucks. She thought I was a big deal and that that was our wedding song. And we've had a lot of joys, we've been through a lot of traumas, a lot of deaths, a lot of struggles, raising kids, obviously, encompassing most of those things. I'm trying not to get choked up, but this is a pretty special day. And I hope I die before her,

because if she dies before me, I don't know. I don't want her to die, but yeah, let her die first. Because if she died, I don't know that I could handle it. I really, I'm so, my life, whatever. Let me talk about her for a second. She grew up in New York City, divorced parents, kind of a tough childhood. And she, when I met her, she was Julia Roberts' assistant. And then she basically stopped working to have kids with me because I was gone so much. She did a lot of the parenting.

She, I, my kids turned out great. I give her most of the credit. You know, kids have ADHD. She read every book possible on ADHD. She just is the most empathetic, caring person. Kids have ADHD, she read every book possible on ADHD. She just is the most empathetic, caring person. And now once the kids got out of high school, she went back to school.

She's now a doula, she's a post-natal doula, so she works with women, teaches them how to breastfeed and sleep coach and how to raise kids. And she is now the president of the Southern California Dask Association. And she does a lot of work on that. They do a lot of charitable work

to help underserved communities with teaching mothering, parenting techniques. Anyway, whatever. Happy anniversary, baby. I love you. 25 more. Here's the 25 more. All right.

What else is special that's going on? Oh, I know. My standup special comes out in a month. Holy shit, a month from today, I think. No, I think it's coming out on the 28th or the 29th. We got to figure it out because I'm doing Joe Rogan on the 27th or 28th of August and I want it to come out that week. Lined up a bunch of podcasts. I'm doing Burt, Kill Tony, Your Mom's House, Corolla, We Might Be Drunk, Skanks, Bonfire, all of it. Neil Brennan, Mark Maron, I'm doing everybody's podcast.

We're gonna put out the word. Look people, this is a lot of years of work that went into this special. It means a lot to me. I really want you to see it. I want you to tell your friends. I want you to post about it. Let's blow this fucker up before my career ends. This is it.

This is gonna be the final chapter in what has been an amazing book. Is it an amazing book? No. I don't know if it's final, but it's getting there. So it'll be on YouTube. We're gonna do a streaming party on YouTube live. I think the day it comes out.

And then we'll be celebrating at some tour dates I got coming up. Louisville, Louisville Comedy Club, August 23rd and 24th. Denver at the Comedy Works, August 29th through 31. Austin, the mothership, September 6th through the 8th. Alaska, I'll be in Fairbanks in September. Tulsa in October at Brick Town.

Tacoma in November. San Francisco in December. Go to fitsdog.com, get yourself some tickets. Support live comedy. All right, my guest today is a guy, if you've ever spent time at the comedy store and hung out late at night, you've seen this guy close out the show famously. It's the way they wanted to end the show every night for a lot of years at the store.

And now he's over at the mothership in Austin where he goes on like five nights a week and he's kind of blowing up. Rogan talks about him a lot. He's starting a tour. He's just a real, I can't describe his comedy except there's a lot of comics that are anti-woke and they try to be edgy and a lot of it is garbage. This guy truly does challenge what a stand-up comic

can say on stage. And he does it in a very funny character. And he, underneath it is a very sweet guy. And you'll see that on the podcast. I think you'll see both sides of him in this conversation that I have. He's, he's the best. So here he is, Brian Holtzman. ["The New York Times"]

Here we go, my guest is Brian Holtzman. He's getting that microphone right in front of his face. Look at that. Don't act like you haven't had a long black thing right next to your mouth. And here's the great thing about you is that if people don't know you, it's because you've been always put at the end of the show at the Comedy Store.

You were the guy, and I talked about this on my podcast once before. I'm a guy, we've both been at the Comedy Store a long time. You've been there longer than me. How many years did you do the Comedy Store? I got picked up as a paid regular in 94. I'm a guy, we've both been at the Comedy Store a long time. You've been there longer than me. How many years did you do the Comedy Store? I got picked up as a paid regular in 94. Oh, no shit.

And five years trying to get in before that. Wow. I got to Los Angeles in 1989. From where? San Francisco. Oh, that's right. You were up there playing the cobs. I got to see the Holy City Zoo before it closed.

That was like Dana Carvey and Robin Williams. Who else was up there in those days? Monty Hoffman. Yep, Monty Hoffman. From Save the Bell. Right. He's passed away now. Kevin Meaney, was he around?

Kevin Meaney. Yeah. Oh yeah, and this guy named Tree. You remember Tree? Yeah, Tree, of course. With the earrings and this guy named Tree. You remember Tree? Yeah, Tree, of course. With the earrings and the leather. And I said to myself, thank God I don't have to put a costume on.

Yeah, Tree. Oh, you know Bob Rubin? Yeah, Bob Rubin, who had a radio show as well, didn't he? Right, Alex Bennett used to have all the comics on in the morning. Alex Bennett had the radio show, yep, yep. And Warren Thomas. Black guy, he died.

And so there was a lot of bangers there, but it was very clickish. Any women? Did Paula Poundstone come through there? I really didn't remember any. Oh, Margaret Cho. Margaret Troll? Troll, you know.

You have an Asian domestic partner and you can't even get the last name right? I'm not a Cho. Margot Trow? Chow, you know. You have an Asian domestic partner and you can't even get the last name right? Now why do you call her domestic partner instead of girlfriend? Because domestic partner means that if she moves out, it's gonna cost me at least 100 grand. That's why, you know? I wanna live here.

How did you meet her, by the way? I was working in Manhattan Beach. You know, I was a meet-a-maid slash dog catcher in Manhattan Beach. No you weren't. My last job. Oh yeah. And, you know, I would have a show at the comedy store and it would go really good and I'd say, oh I gotta quit this day job. I gotta quit this day job. I gotta quit this day job.

I gotta do comedy. Then I'd have a horrible show and I'd go, thank God for this day job. Thank God for this day job. You know how you go up and down, up and down. That's how it was for many years. So I was in the street and she was with her girlfriends down at the pier in Manhattan Beach.

And I said- What are you wearing at this point? I'm in my uniform. And I said, I think I said, my wife was killed in a ballooning accident and I'm available and that's how we met you know well she's I've known her for 12 minutes she's got a great sense of humor big smile you can tease her a little bit oh yeah she's very pretty yeah thank you yeah and so we get along just fine. And how many years ago was that? That was uh that was 17 years ago. Oh that long ago really? 17. 17

years. So I always tell her I guess you're really digging in huh? She's digging in but she's not looking for any jewelry. Has that conversation come up over the years? Uh, no. I mean, other people obviously ask you guys that. They all want jewelry, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I'm a retired dog catcher. What kind of jewelry can I give her, you know?

Here's something out of the Cracker Jack box. How long were you a dog catcher? 15 years. Wow. I mean, that waser? 15 years. Wow. I mean, that was my last day job. Yeah. But you've seen my acts, so coming up with an act like that, you might want to keep a day job.

Sure, sure. And I moved the mic right in front of your face more. So what, here, just bend the arm. There you go. You can tell you I'm not on too many podcasts. Yeah, yeah, right, right. I don't get a lot of people calling to want me on a podcast.

Thank you. That was a nice text message to receive. Oh, are you kidding me? I'm such a huge fan. Oh, I didn't finish saying. So I would go to the comedy store, and I usually go on around, you know, like 9.45 or so, and then I had kids at home, so I would do this, I'd hang out a little bit,

you know, shoot the shit with Neil Brennan and Mark Maron and back in the day, Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz. But then I left, I'd be out of there by 11 o'clock, and then you would go on at what, like midnight usually? Everybody would already be home. The crowd would be thinned out. They've already seen Sebastian and they've seen Joe Rogan and Callan and Kevin Nealon. Yeah Chris DeLeah all these guys killing and then they thin out and then I gotta be honest with you I'd heard

the legend I'd met you in the parking lot and you're one of the most polite, genteel, decent people and people go, oh no that's not Brian Hulsman. You gotta see him on stage. That's Brian Hulsman. So I never saw it and then I go out to Austin and I'm headlining the the fat, what's it called, the fat? Fat man. The fat man, which was the name of the nuclear missile at the level of Hiroshima.

One of the nuclear bombs. Yeah. And so you're in the other room, the smaller room, and I was lucky enough to, I did my headlining set, and then I went next door and I finally got to see Brian Holtzman. And you went out there. I had to come to Texas to see me, right?

Matthew Perry had died the day before. Oh yeah, poor Matthew. And you went on stage and ripped him apart and I swear to God, I haven't, like Kevin Meany made me laugh this hard. You made me laugh as hard as Kevin Meany. My, my abdomen was cramped, I was doubled over. I laughed so hard that my nasal passages were stuffed. I had another show an hour later and I was nasally on stage from watching you. I mean, what is it with Matthew Perry

that makes you so crazy? Jealousy. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who doesn't wanna be on a sitcom that lasts forever and is in reruns forever. What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie?

What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie?

What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite movie? What's so in real life it's even skinnier.

Oh, I hate watching everybody on television. They're all skinny face. They're all in a Zephyk. Oh my God. Right, you got a fat face. No, you got a little fat. Well, a half a mustache makes it look bigger. If you grew a full mustache, it wouldn't look as fat.

Yeah. So all right, so you have six brothers and sisters. Four sisters, but we lost one. Okay. We lost a middle child. How old was she? Sixty-five. Okay.

And she had lung, the C word. And not the C word we always like, the other C word. Was that ovarian cancer? No, lung cancer. She had Hodgkin's when she was younger in college. She was— Oh, Jesus, really? One time she fell down the stairs at home and dislocated her shoulder.

One time she broke her leg. There are some people that are prone to injury. It seems to happen. It's like guys who get married and divorce. They're the guys that get married a lot. They just keep getting married. They love it. They just love it. If you have a wife that is prone to bruises,

that might be your fault. No, not if she deserves it. They just love it. If you have a wife that is prone to bruises, that might be your fault. No, not if she deserves it. Then it's her fault. So I have three, four sisters, three now. One lives in Fort Myers, Florida. Yeah. Bobby Ann. Mary Ann is in Alexandria, Virginia.

She's 80 today. Happy birthday, Mary Anne. Happy birthday, Mary Anne. And I guess I got her a gym prescription. Subscription? You know, membership? Membership. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. At that age, it is a prescription.

And she was smoking. She smoked. She smoked, yeah, what is she going to do, just read magazines in the lobby? Right, right, right. She was smoking cigarettes in the doctor, all those years, and the doctor said, you know, you gotta stop smoking, you gotta pick air or cigarettes.

And you know what she picked? Cigarettes. Air. Oh, she quit? Yeah, she picked air. Well, Jesus Christ, when your sister- Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Yeah. You have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You, Jesus Christ, when your sister... Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Yeah. You have, you gave it up?

I did. It's amazing, what we know now, your lungs, what gives you air, why would you in your right mind wanna damage the organ that gives you air? Yeah, right, right. And now with the vaping? Well, it's weird that your sister died of lung cancer

and then your other sister continued to smoke. Like, I quit because my father died of smoking. He was 53 years old. Oh, that's young. He smoked three and a half packs a day and he died of a heart attack and the doctor said it was because the artery that runs next to your lung was becoming inflamed because of the

heat from all the smoke in his lung and it caused it to clog up and there was a clog and he... So you've outlived your father. You know how weird it is... I'm 58. You know how weird it is to turn 53 when your dad died at 53? You honestly feel like this is the finish line. The whole year I felt meanwhile I don't smoke. He drank his he was an alcoholic, smoked three and a half packs a day, full of stress, ate bad meat, didn't exercise. I don't do any of those things. So I think I'm gonna live I don't want to live forever I'd like to live till I'm 80 and then check out. No, when you get to that point you're

gonna want to, you're gonna want to keep going. Fuck that. No, that's what everybody says. What's on the other side? You want to keep going as long as you can. No, no, no. I mean I don't want to be a burden on my family. I don't want to... Oh, I do, I do. I want to be a burden on somebody. And if I die, I want to do it on one of those long flights. Yes, at the beginning of the flight. So they got to look at you for three hours. Right, maybe halfway where they have to divert.

I want somebody to give me mouth to mouth and then have me die with have my cold lips die on their mouth Okay, then we'll be right back after the short message Beta prostate I want to look up and see somebody pounding my chest going no god damn it and see somebody pounding my chest going, no, God damn it. He's gone. He's gone. I was on an airplane with Rose going to the Philippines

in some Asian. Is she from the Philippines? Yes, she's from the Philippines. OK. Yeah. And she takes care of my affairs here in Los Angeles when I'm out there. You have affairs and she takes care of them?

Like she drives them to the house? You know, she waters the garden. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I see. She takes care of the stuff. I misunderstood, yeah, right. And we were going to the Philippines and there was a woman who fainted right in front of the restroom.

We were at the bulk seats. Right there was the restroom. Yeah. And she was on the floor and people were over and I said, you know, I don't want to be diverted. Coming back, you don't care what happens. But when you're going someplace, you want to get there. So I was like, come on, get her up and put her back in the seat

and stop this nonsense. Put some cold water on her. I wanted to get up and start kicking her a little bit. And then somebody there, a doctor was there, and he says, no, you don't put cold water on there. All I was thinking about was myself and getting to Thailand or wherever, or the Philippines. Get up, get up.

This is gonna divert. You know, if it goes on too long, it's gonna divert. Yep. They'll wait because I was flying back from South Africa. Wow, I wanna go there. I've never been there. It's beautiful. I've gone twice and we're going again

for Christmas this year. As a tourist or working or both? Tourist, yeah. I should set up a date though. I should set up a gig while I'm there. Tabletop Mountain. I've climbed it. Wow. Yeah, it's quite a hike. Tabletop Mountain in Cape Town is basically, Cape Town's pretty flat and then there's this one, it looks when you're flying in like a skyscraper

because it's so narrow, it's just sticking straight up. And we went on a hike and my mother-in-law at the time was probably, she was probably 70, and but she's a tough New Yorker. And so we get to, and tabletop is no joke. It's like you're on all fours climbing for parts of the parts of the climb and it's straight up and we by the end of it me and my brother-in-law were behind her pushing her up the hill she couldn't make it and we got to the top we get to the top and

you don't climb down you can't climb down it's too steep so they have a gondola that gondola yeah that was called that takes you down on the bottom and the wind was blowing so hard they closed the gondola and they told everybody we had to climb down the mountain and it would have literally been carrying her in our arms the entire way so we go up and they've got like a little beer garden little place we get some lunch and we're up and they've got like a little beer garden, little place, we get some lunch, and we're waiting, and then somebody screams in, they open the gondola, and we don't know for how long.

We fucking cut every South African off. These South Africans were going up the hill, they weighed 92 pounds, they got flip flops on, you know, got a tire over their shoulder, and they're flying passes. We cut in front of all those motherfuckers. We got on the gauntlet, we got to the bottom. It must be great if you're going back.

It's amazing. You don't usually go back to another, because there's so many places to go in the world, but if you go back again, it was amazing. Well, my wife's brother lives over there. He married a South African, so he's been there for 20 years. That's why we keep going back.

Oh, I see. You say you have some family over there, if you have a reason. So he's been there for 20 years. That's why we keep going back. Oh, I see. So you have some family over there. That's that's pretty expensive airfare. It was a lot. And there's four of us. It's me and my two kids. So it was a shitload of money. Yeah. But I make a lot of money. You hear that, Rose? Oh, she's gone. What is she doing? She left! Where the fuck is your partner? I don't know where she went. Yeah, yeah. So let me ask you this.

How long ago did you quit the day job? It was Friday the 13th, 2019, right before COVID hit. Five years ago. I was sent home. From the dog catcher job. Yes, and they kept me out of service pending an investigation until July 30th of 2020. And then I came in.

What was the investigation? And I had some problems at work, not in the field. I was a wonderful employee with the general public. It's your coworkers. It's your co- You don't know this. You've never had day jobs. You've been in entertainment your whole life.

These are my coworkers. These handsome guys over here. I love the way their shorts just hang on their hips. And this guy just did boxing. He came and he took a shower. You could have seen it if you got here earlier. Wow. Yeah.

Well, we're talking. So, so they, so they brought me in on July 30th, Thursday, July 30th, 2020, and they said, Brian, today's a day that lives in infamy. You're gonna retire today. No. Or you're going to be fired.

Wait, what was the incident? Were people complaining about you? I was fired. Wait, what was the incident? Were people complaining about you? You know, it's a day job. It was a cry for help. It was time for me to go. I made my goal was to get 15 years.

Yeah, but what did you do? What were they complaining about? You don't have to do much today at work. You can say the wrong word. The emails fly. I told, I was waiting for the animal control truck to come back. It didn't come back.

So I was hanging around. You want to get into the animal control truck. You want to start your shift. I want to go get my hair cut. I want to go to Target. I want to do all the things. I want to go to the bank. I want to know, you do this stuff at work.

Yeah. Yeah, you got shit to do. You're a busy guy. This is beautiful Manhattan Beach, California. You know that? That's the beautiful stuff at work. Yeah. Yeah, you got shit to do. You're a busy guy. This is beautiful Manhattan Beach, California. You know that? Yeah. That's a beautiful place to work. You got a beautiful life partner.

You want to get down to her? You want to throw a move on her before dinner maybe? Right? Right. And I told her, I said to somebody, a fellow employee, a woman, I said, can you curse on this, Pontius? Yeah, I fuck yeah.

I said, I am so sick of this fucking bullshit and everybody in this department can fuck themselves. That'd have been building, apparently. Yes, but you know, that was just me venting. You know it's good to vent. Right. Most people don't vent. Yeah. They get sick. Yeah. So and she was with a trainee. So I guess it didn't look good with a new employee. Okay. But I told the new employee. Not you Jan, it was another sit down urinator, another woman in the workplace. Oh, women in the workplace, just great. Oh my God, I'm so glad I don't have to,

you know, I got, you know, it's just horrible if you know anybody who works today in any capacity. It's just. So it's the women. Oh, you know, a guy you can shake, you can tell a guy, and you can be friends, and you can get, women, no. It's a constant battle of walking around on eggshells. Right, right, yeah.

You know, especially if they make a pass at you, and you reject that pass, then they're after you now. Yeah, yeah. You're a dead soldier, you're an enemy soldier now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so. And did that happen often at work, with women hitting on you a lot enemy soldier now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so. And did that happen often at work, with women hitting on you a lot?

No, no, not particularly, but. Did it ever happen once? Not, oh yes, once, but I, I was kind of turned off by her, her car was so messy. Her car was. It was like a garbage pail, you know. I judge people by their cars, I swear to God.

If you give me a ride in your car, and you your car and you got a smoker, fast food, you got ashes in the ashtray, you got you've got fucking the 80s station on. The 80s music? That was 45 years ago. There's been so much good shit since then. Or go back to the 60s. You wonder if they even wipe their ass. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, you see handy wipes in the passenger seat, and you go, oh, this is where you do it.

And that was, so that would happen, but I got my goal, I got 15 years. So what does that mean when you get 15 years? You get a pension? You get a little snippet. Yeah, I got the pension. How much do they pay you in a pension every month? I worked there 15 years, but they let you buy five years,

five years of, what do they call it, service time. You can pay for additional years of service. So you get health benefits for that time. And you can do your military, four years of military service. Oh, you were in the military! So I bought four years of military service in the Air Force. Yeah. And I bought five years, so I bought a total of nine years.

So I worked there 15, but my pension reflects 24. Whoa. The only people who get a better deal than that are the congressmen, you know, that would do two years of one term. And they got the inside trading going, so they can take that money and triple it. Is it common for him to stare at me while I'm doing this podcast?

Ha! Well, you know, you said you were attracted to him. Maybe the feeling's mutual. Maybe there's a connection. Where's the other character witness? Ha ha ha! You're kind of, you draw people's attention to you. Maybe the feeling's mutual. Yeah, maybe there's a connection. Where's the other character witness? Yeah. Yeah. You're kind of, you draw people's attention to you.

You're somebody that people look at, and they try to figure out. Right. You're not somebody, you're not one dimensional. There's a lot going on. And my other job at United. Wait, hold on a second. Then I had United, I was working at United

Airlines baggage handler. That's what brought me up to the Bay Area. Okay That's so you get a pension from that too a Small snippet. Yes. Wait a minute. So what does that add up to every month? How much you getting? Talk about it. I'm curious. I Want to know what I have to look forward to. I mean, are you making enough to live on through all that? Oh yeah, yeah, everything's fine. The comedy's just icing on the cake.

I just did this tour with these Danger Cat guys, and they set it all up. So now you're making money in stand-up like you never did before. Oh, never did before. More than I had doing both of those day jobs. So now you're making money in stand-up like you never did before. Oh, never did before. Yeah. More than I had doing both of those day jobs. Yeah. That's amazing.

Oh yeah, these comics are making a lot of money. They're laughing all the way to the bucket bank. Guys are playing arenas. 15,000 people, they're paying 100 bucks a pop. That's 1.5 million at the door. See, I would be tempted to just, I told Fluffy, you know Fluffy, what they call... Gabriel Iglesias. He was in the green room with his entourage

and the managers and his agents. I said to him, I said, just do Dodger Stadium once a year. Once a year? And lower your overhead and get rid of all these fucking people. Dude, that's all I think. When I think about these guys making 800,000 for Shell,

I think, I'd be done these guys making 800,000 for Shell, I think I'd be done. Then I'd go to the Cayman Islands. I mean, South Africa. The pyramids. And then you see Burt, and he's doing one of those every night for nine months of the year. That's a lot of write-offs.

That's a lot of write-offs. But you know what? He's generous with it. He's super generous. He gives 10% to Comedy Gives Back, which is a fund that helps comics that need rehab, need health insurance. It's an amazing charity. So fucking generous.

I just did some dates with him on his tour. He sent me a gift bag. It was a duffel bag. It had iPod headphones in it. It had a grill. They're mailing me a fucking grill. A smoker. Yeah. Peters is pretty generous too. Russell Peters. Yeah, I heard he's good. Yeah, he had, my friend was opening for him and they were in the Hong Kong airport they were they were changing flights and Russell goes I'll be right back goes to the Rolex store

comes back gives my friend a brand new Rolex watch. Leather jackets oh yeah that's what I heard yeah very generous. You know what I give my feature act? Nothing. Nothing. Coupons, food. If we go to a meal, I pick it up. But some of these guys, they fly them in, they pay for their hotel. I'm not making that kind of money. That guy, I got him the gig.

That's it. Now he can do well and they'll bring him back as a headliner. He can make some real money. Right, he can make some connections while he's it. Now he can do well and they'll bring him back as a headliner, he can make some real money. He can make some connections while he's there. I mentor a lot of comics though. I help them with their acts, I introduce them to agents, I get them into the clubs if I think they're good, I give them advice, but I'm not throwing duffel bags full of fucking gifts around.

Right. Wait, so I want to go back to you. So now you're going on tour on your own. I looked at I didn't see a lot of tour dates you got something in December at the Improv up in Oxnard. Oh right Oxnard got canceled that was supposed to be on. I plugged in your one date in December and it's moved. No no it is but it was this it was supposed to be with this group we just did. Oh, right now. And it got taken away, somebody who edited a Sunday. So they moved it to December 19th.

December. Wait a minute, so could you do your fans a favor and get a website for yourself? You don't have a website. Yeah, I talk to Schubert, you know, I want to keep it manageable. What a bullshit cop out there. I want to keep it manageable? For 500 bucks you can get a college kid to make you a website.

I'm already paying $14 a month for that stupid blue check. You know? No. No, seriously, then you can list tour dates. You can put video clips up. There's not that much to, you know, I'm just. You're growing right now. You have to step up.

This is your moment. You're having a moment. Joe Rogan loves you. He talks about you on his show. I don't have to go on the show. You don't have to go on the show. He said, well, people say, when are you gonna put your name?

Listen, he talks about me. It's better that he talks about you. If you go on the show, you might disappoint everybody. Exactly. Yeah, what am I gonna talk about, you know? But he talks about you like the second coming. He talks about how you're one of the most inventive comics in the country, how he puts you in the middle of the lineups now.

How many nights a week are you at the mothership? Wednesday through Sunday. I'm off on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Wednesday through Sunday? About eight shows. Oh, you do two shows a night? Yeah. And you get paid? I hope, I hope.

And you get paid pretty... Every time I go back, you know, everybody's moving there, you know. Right. Enough. Stay home. So and those pay good money because Joe basically gives the door to the comedians. And I have my whole spinning friends. What's that? That's the my show in the big room. What night is that? Thursdays. 10pm usually. If you're ever in the neighborhood, I'll put you on for sure.

And you get a big chunk of the door on that, right? So that's real money. That's real money. So I don't even have to get on an airplane and go anywhere. And I never went anywhere Greg is it fit Simmons? Yeah. Yeah, I never really went anywhere because I had my Comedy store and my day jobs. So this is all new to me. Do you want to go on the road and do other clubs? Just just you know

but I can't I can't go on the road and do other clubs if I'm a At Joe Rogan's club. Well, dude, you got it. I do a little bit here, a little bit there. I just wanna, you know. You just wanna be a kept man, basically. I just wanna keep it manageable. Yeah.

Here's what's nice about you. There's a lot that's nice about you. You know. You really are, you're a lovely man. Thank you. But people don't understand how lovely you are. Like I was at Voodoo Donuts down the street, it was like midnight, hanging out with Adam Egan.

And you come. Oh, Adam Egan. Fly south, Adam. Fly south. Oh, he's got the weight of the world. The whole world wants you to work at that club. He's the booker for the club. And he's gotta be the guy that says that.

Yeah, yeah. He says no to a lot the club. And he's gotta be the guy that says that. Yeah, yeah. He says no to a lot of people. Oh my God. Agents, managers, comics. He brings me in once a year, and I'm going in in September. Oh good, I'll be there in September. I don't have the new hour though. I've got about a half a new hour.

You don't need a new hour. I don't know. I don't want him to look at me and be like, this guy's not writing. So I did a bunch of Olympic stuff this weekend. See, that's what I disagree with. If the audience doesn't know what's new and what's old, as long as they're laughing in the moment,

this always needing new stuff, you know? Yeah. I mean, if they're laughing as hard as hell, Yeah. do you want to keep that from them? Right. Because you think that, you know, each show should stand alone.

Right. Do a little crowd work. Oh, crowd work. I couldn't believe the guy that does the crowd work. Who's that? Who's the professional crowd work guy? Who's real good at? Ian Bad?

I didn't know he did. I didn't know that. I thought he was just doing a little crowd work in the beginning. No. The whole hour, the whole show is crowd work. I couldn't believe it. I said, holy shit.

You know, they do a little, then they move on. He doesn't move on. The whole thing is crowd right now. What do you plan out there for? What do you think, Ron TV? I'm just trying to make eye contact with the workers. The workers. Where did the proletarians?

The employees. Yeah, right. The team members. Yeah, the little people. The team members. The associates. Notice no women. I don't need to walk on eggshells around here.

Eggshells, gosh. Well, they got hormones. They got all hormones running through their body. Yeah. They got changes. Yep. They got Expectations about having babies at a certain age and if that's not happening they get all upset You know, we make fun of women a lot, but you know, we realize they've got a heavy pull. Yeah They got the power as David Tell once said

once said, what is it? I'll think of it later. But I'm in Voodoo Donuts, it's midnight, I'm with Adam Eaget, and you're walking out and you got four giant boxes of donuts. I go, what the fuck are you doing? He goes, I'm bringing them for the staff. How often do you do that? Once in a while I go to Costco and get those big.

No, this was Voodoo Donuts. These are expensive ones. Yes, I realize that. But yeah, sometimes I like to, you know... Spread the love. Yeah. So you're very popular at the club with the staff. I'd like to think so. I want to have sex with all the waitresses. Yeah, they got beautiful waitresses. But I don't want them to talk about the size of my hog.

You know, they like to do that. So I tell them on stage, I don't want to fuck them. I want to eat them. What are they going to do? What are they like to do that so I tell them on stage. I don't want to fuck them I want to eat them what are they gonna do? What are they gonna do? So what they tell everybody? I have a small tongue who cares. I want to eat them you know But they're beautiful. Oh, and they got those those tight you've seen him you were there They're very tight that every one is like a ten yeah, so I say I don't want to fuck any of these women You know I don't want them talking about, cause that's what they do. Yeah, yeah, they're all gonna talk about your hog. But if you eat them out,

they're gonna talk about what a generous guy you are. He gives us donuts and he eats us out. He eats us out. Yeah. I'll stick my fingers up there, but I don't, I'm gonna keep my personal package to myself. Sure, sure. And Rose would prefer that as well, right?

Oh, Rose. Keep it clean. She left. What the fuck happened to Rose? I don't know lie to myself. You don't mind. And Rose would prefer that as well, right? Oh, Rose. Keep it clean. She left. What the fuck happened to Rose? I don't know where she went. She's like, I sit on couch, it's okay. Should I call her on the phone and see where she went? Yeah, give her a call.

God. This is really. She's putting money in the meter. Oh, she's putting money in the meter. Yeah, that was 20 minutes ago. Yeah, that was a while ago. She was in the podcast booth. Oh, she was, okay.

Well, put the phone away, Brian. Okay. I can imagine a guy like you... Put the fucking phone away, you idiot! Well, even after 18 years, a guy like you with a woman like that, I can see why you're checking on where she is constantly. Because she's not long for you.

I'm surprised it lasts this long. She's a beautiful Asian woman. And she worked in a bump-bump bar in Angeles City for many years. What's a bump-bump bar? She gets under the table and she gives Felicio to the sailors that come in on the ships. And I got her out of that life.

Now she can do it to my friends. You come over and Rose will blow you and everybody else in this room. And that's what I like about Asians. They're very caring and giving people. You know? You just gotta get over that flat face. You can get over the flat face and the missing bridge of their nose, you're in good shape. So you saved her. She was in a rough life. Oh yeah, I saved her. Oh there she is now. Hello, hello. Welcome back. So you saved her. She was in a rough life and you saved her.

Oh there she is now. Hello. Welcome back. Were you looking for a bump bump bar down there? How you doing over there? You okay? You feed the meter? I put some coins. Okay good. Say refrigerator. Refrigerator.

Say quarters. Quaters. I'm going to do that all. Say quarters. Quarters. What's great about you is that you're open-minded enough to date somebody who's not your ethnicity, but you're still close-minded enough to be racist towards them during the relationship. Yeah, I think it works. Now, did you ever have a wife? No. How did you go all these years without falling into that trap?

Because I was, well I was drinking a lot and and coking up a lot at the comedy store for a good number of years and that and doing the comedy I mean you know. Nobody wants that lifestyle. You know and I realized you know I had a girlfriend once in Long Island, and I dodged that eight ball. I just, I had all the family members are divorced. Marianne is divorced, never remarried.

Then there's Jay, he has like, we don't know if he has three wives, or he's a, What are they called? He's the one dating the Colombians? Yeah. Yeah. He's divorced and remarried, and then we don't know if the first marriage was done

before he got married again. You know, this is my brother Jay. We talked about the Woodstock type. And then Bobby Anne, she's divorced. She remarried. And then Terry, Terry's divorced. No shit. And then Bruce's divorced. No shit. And then Bruce is divorced.

No! Yeah, Bruce was married for 22 years or 23 years and... That's one of those kids leave the house and all of a sudden you realize you got nothing to talk about, so you break up. No, it was, you know, there was Bruce, you know, Bruce, his wife fell in love with a gentleman by the name of Carmine.

And if you ever lived with my brother Bruce, you would fuck Carmine too. You would fuck the shit out of Carmine if you had to live with my brother Bruce. So people get married and they realize, this is a heavy load, I gotta get outta here. I gotta get the fuck outta here. So I knew my chances, you know, and then, you know, it's a heavy load, I gotta get outta here. I gotta get the fuck outta here. So I knew my chances, you know,

and then, you know, it's a heavy load. You've been married for quite some time. I will be married, you ready for this? In two days, it's my 25th anniversary. 25 years. 25 years. That's a special club. It is a special club, it's a silver, I gotta buy her something silver.

Right, go down to Chinatown. That's the real silver, right? Well, it's better prices. Yeah, yeah, because it's silver plated. After this, I'm going to go down to Chinatown and get my hair cut. Yeah, right. It's like $10 or something.

Yeah, and you never had kids? No, not that I know of. Thank God. I was able to pull out successfully. Yeah. Pulling out is an art. A lot of guys don't know how to do it. What's the key?

As soon as you feel the sperm coming up your shaft, you know, into that little tube that right before it gets to the head area, pull it out. Pull it out. Pull it out. That's it. That pre-cum can make somebody pregnant too. You gotta watch out for the pre-cum. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you ever have to take somebody in for an abortion? I would say, uh, uh, uh, but you're a very funny comic. Yeah, I like your comedy a lot. Let's just say you're pro,

you're pro Roe v Wade. Oh yeah, I don't think, you know, it's a great, for a man it's a great area, whether it's good or bad, it's simply not in our wheelhouse. How can I tell someone what to do with their body?

I mean, come on. Yeah. I'm constantly trying to tell women what to do with their body. Right. Move it this way. Move it this way. This is a fun podcast.

I'm having a fun time. Well, you're the best. I mean, I was so excited to have you on because I wanted to get into your life because I don't know anything about your life. I know you grew up in Long Island. And you, you know, and so. And I went in the Air Force for four and a half years.

Are you Jewish? What's Holtzman, is that German? Jewish, Irish, and German. Okay. It's kind of like a mutt mixed. My father was Jewish perhaps, but my mother was not. So of course, you know how the Jews are, it has to be the mother has to be Jewish.

It doesn't count. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, my wife's father is Jewish and the mom is Irish. Yeah. So growing up, I'm going to guess your parents did not have a good marriage because otherwise all of their children

would have gotten divorced. They never, we never saw the, the, the, the, Barbara and Joe, we never saw them fight. No kidding. He would come home, he was a fireman in New York City, and they were lived in Bayridge, Brooklyn, and they moved out to Long Island. He would come home after he left the fire department,

he got a job at the Social Security Administration because he wanted the regular days off. Yeah, and not to possibly die in a fiery death. Right. Yeah. Fall through a floor. Yeah. And he would come home and Barbara would ask him, Joe, would you like, you know, make him a drink when he came home?

Oh, they got along beautifully. No kidding. Never saw them. Did you ever overhear them make love? No. I've never heard my parents either. No and it was a it wasn't a large house it was a regular house. Seven kids how many bedrooms? One bathroom. No. Upstairs there were two rooms one big room to the right, a smaller room to the left, that was upstairs, a basement, their room, a room here, and they put an extension over here, and that was their bedroom for a while. So kids had to share rooms.

Oh yeah, I don't think anybody had their own room. Who'd you share with, Jay? Bruce. Bruce. Bruce is a retired local three, EBIF, International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. That's a good job, union job, baby. And he loves Donald J. Trump. He does.

Long Island loves Donald J. Trump. They do. They hate him in the city, but they love him on Long Island. That's true. That's true. I hope he wins and kills him in the city, but they love him on Long Island. That's true. That's true. I hope he wins and kills everybody in the country. Let him be a dictator.

Every four years they say it's going to be different, it's going to be different, it's going to be different. Nothing's going to be different. Let's try something else. Get rid of those congressmen. Just burn it to the ground. Burn it to the ground. Yeah, right.

And then what emerges out of the ashes? What happens after that? Every, you know, who knows, Greg? Yeah, Fitzsimmons. Who knows what emerges from the ashes? Yeah. Hopefully a couple of good-looking guys like this. Oh, they're gonna be the heroes.

They're gonna be the heroes. They have nice teeth, too, huh? They have nice teeth, and they're the kind of guys that if you're a woman and there's civil war and stuff's getting burned, the guy is wearing boxing shoes. That's the guy you go to to save you. Not you, not a guy in a sad Filipino

fucking sweatshop shirt. Rose got this for me. It's awful. Blame Rosarito, Rosario. Rosario. Rosario Boutiste. She's nicely dressed. She dresses you like that so you're not going to fuck any of the waitresses at the mothership. I don't want to fuck them. I told you. I just want to eat them. You don't want to eat them.

I just want to eat them. She doesn't want you coming home with bad breath. Let me just eat you out. Please. Let me just suck it. Yeah. Have you ever been with a man sexually? No. I had a guy try. What happened? The neighbor.

The neighbor got me. That's why we can't stand. And they get you when you're vulnerable. He said, come on, look at my car. How old were you? Old enough to know. And he started doing this with the belt. and I got the hell out of it. Yeah, yeah, right.

So, you know, it happens a lot more than we probably even know, but yeah. Sure. But this is the human condition. Yeah, all right, so you're growing up in Long Island. Your father's a fireman. You don't want to hear about me molesting the children? Just because I wasn't molesting doesn't mean I can't molest children. We'll be right back. Let's just say if a sketch artist is starting a picture of a child molester

and they're getting the clues from the victim, they start with the mustache you have. They just assume he has that mustache. And then they get the details on the rest. I see these kind of mustaches in old movies. I think they're just grand. You know the black and whites and what do they call them? No air? No air? No I'm mispronouncing it. What do they call those old movies? Noir? Film Noir? No air. And the lighting is great. Those old movies are just great. Yeah, I know. I just saw a great one recently. I forget what it was called. But no, Film Noir is really great. And so you're growing up in Long Island. You've got six brothers and sisters.

You don't have a big house. You going to Roosevelt High School? General Douglas MacArthur High School in Levittown, right near Governors. You been to Governors? Sure. Yeah. If you want to die a horrible death, do the Late Show Friday at Converters Long Island.

Savages. It's kind of a closed club though. They know, they're very selective, who they book over there. They are, and they got guys like Joey Cola, John Joseph that come in there and annihilate. And the crowds come in, and if you're not those guys, you gotta prove yourself really fast

or else you lose total control of the show. It's all Italians, Irish. Oh, Long Island, you know. A whole room full of Alec Baldwin's. That's right. Ego maniacs. You could get shot, yeah. Yeah, ego maniacs.

Guys that spend more than they make. You got, you can shut the sound off on your television or whatever device you're using, and you can see somebody with an ego problem. They don't even have to open their mouth. It just leaks out of their pores. Yeah. So you're in Long Island. What was your first job growing up? Did you have a... Burger King. I also worked at a department store. I was the guy who when a woman goes into the change room and you have to see how many garments she brings in.

You know, you give her, I did that for like five minutes. Did you ever look in the rooms? Or did you try to peer in? No, no, no. I don't believe that. I don't, I don't. I picture you as a 13 year old with that same mustache and that same fat face,

just peering around through that curtain. How complimentary you are today. I'm glad I came on this fucking podcast. Oh I'm happy. Rose you're gonna get smacked in the way home in the car. I'm gonna take out my emotions on you and you won't tell anybody cuz you'll get shit back. On a boat right? Not even on a plane. Yeah, a slow boat. Yeah, right. You can get CVs on the way over there. And you like to read too, don't you? I do, I love to read. Oh my God, yeah, reading is great. A good book.

You see a movie, you leave the theater and you go on with your life. But a good book you miss. You miss the characters. Did you ever get the book I told you to get? Oh, well, it's an Irish writer, right? The Memory of Running. Oh, yeah.

What was it again? It's called The Memory of Running. Yeah. Oh my God. Who wrote it? Do you remember? He's passed away. He was an actor.

I don't know if that was his only book, but you'll have to Google it. The Memory of Running. You've got to read. That's a great... All right. I'll get it. It's one of those books. I probably ordered it on Amazon when you told me to, and it. The Memory of Running. You've got to read that. That's a great. I'll get it. It's one of those books. I probably ordered it on Amazon when you told me to. And I read what's his name?

Sam Talent's book, Running the Light. OK. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that's really good. It's good because he has a real command for the language and his wordage. And it's beautiful. But I hated it.

I couldn't wait because I hate. He's such an effective writer that you hate the character, the comic. You hate it. You hated him. He was violent. He was a drug abuser and just a terrible, terrible road comic, miserable.

As efficient as easy was on stage His personal life was it was it was very morose. Yeah, right. Yeah, but but you were wonderful in the movie Yeah, can I can we plug him? Oh, please? Yeah Road Dog with Doug Stanhope You were so sweet. You called me out of the blue and you just told me you'd seen it and you had such nice things Oh, yeah, nailed it. You nailed it. Thank'd seen it and you had such nice things to say. Oh yeah, you nailed it. You nailed it. Thank you.

You nailed it. The camera doesn't lie. Yeah. And you were one of the highlights in my opinion of the movie. That's nice to hear. Thank you. Yeah, so see... See Road Dog.

Yeah, it's available on all streaming platforms. And you've done some acting as well. So you've done some TV stuff. A little bit here and there. I'm a union member. I'm an objectionable member. Yeah, you'll get kicked out eventually. No, why should I get kicked out?

Because you're gonna call someone. Oh you know what, I've had enough. I've had enough of this. This is a chop shop. What do they call it? What do they call a piece? A hit piece? This is a hit piece! This is a fucking hit piece! And what do they call an object? You know, you get a lower dues rate. Oh sure, yeah, you're sitting out. You're on the sideline. I got it in from Eddie Griffin, that movie Foolish. Remember that movie Foolish? Of course.

And this is when I realized that acting is much like it's cutthroat. I was in a scene. I played a comic, I think, and he played the manager or somebody. You know that guy in Goodfellows who got hung in the meat? They hung him in the truck. Yeah, of course. That guy, whatever his name is. he was in a scene with me. And the first take, I just nailed it.

And right away, he said, oh, can we do that again? Can we do that again? Because you can't out act somebody who's bigger than you. You know what I mean? I mean, why would you want to do it again? It's never going to be this would you want to do it again? You know, and it's never gonna be this great as when you just do it. Are you familiar with filming movies?

You know, they do many takes every time. Well, they don't ever shoot it once. They call me one take Holtzman. Oh yeah, they only need to do it. But you know what's great now? They can't. Is that your sexual partners call you that? Eat him, eat him! Eat him! No.

So, uh, and they can't yell an album. We're running out of film. We're running out. Now it's all digital, so we can shut up about that. Right. Right. But I did four episodes with my wife and kids. Wow. I was the token white guy. Uh-huh.

And, uh, that was fun. And, uh, I was in the... at Disney with the other two fellas. DJ, what was his name? Khaled? No, they were black. I said, why is it, it was Disney in the chow hall, in the cafeteria. And I said, wow, why is everybody so happy here?

Why is everybody so happy here? And the guys were real funny. He says, because they're making money, Hoffman. Because they're making money. Everybody's so happy here. And the guys were real funnies. Because they're making money, Hoffman. Because they're making money. That's why they're so happy here. Yeah, yeah. There's no happier place in the world than a TV set.

Everybody's in the union. Everybody's making money. And you're having fun. Even if it's a bad show. Some of my best experiences in show business are writing on horrible shows. Because you don't care. You're just, it's more about the hang.

Everybody knows it sucks? Everybody knows it sucks. Because the actors aren't, what does everything? It usually starts from the top. You're talking about a sitcom type show? I've written on sitcoms, I've written on sketch shows. I've written on, like the sketch shows are the hardest because name more than two good sketch shows in history.

You had SNL, you had In Living Color, you had Kids in the Hall, you had Mr. Show, Monty Python, and that's it. And there've been hundreds that have tried. What about the... Matt TV was pretty good, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. Some of it. Some of the guys and gals on there were proficient.

The sketches went too long and they were directionless because they let them improv. Right. Yeah, you know, another thing that's handicapping it is the material, the content, everything has to be sanitized. Yes. It can't be anything rough. Somebody should do a sketch show that's really raw and just put it...

Why are we at the point... Like, obviously, media has changed so fast. I was just talking about radio with somebody the other day. Who? Jesus. Who was I talking to? Bill Burr. And we were talking about how local radio was everything. You would fly in a day early and you would do radio interviews to promote your shows. And then it became syndicated. It became Howard

Stern. It became Rush Limbo. All radio was national. And then all of a sudden Sirius XM came along and that was the thing to listen to and then podcasts came along and now nobody's listening to anything but podcasts so if you look at TV it's in the middle of evolving but it's happening very slowly like it went from broadcast to cable TV and now it's gone to streamers. But when is it going to be like a podcast where you get a budget from sponsors and you shoot stuff? Like Shane Gillis actually did it. He did episodes of a show that was just on the internet

that he funded himself was low budget. And that's how he got the Netflix show. And that's how he got tires. But why aren't more people funding like a sketch show where you can say whatever the fuck you want? Like Louis CK did. Didn't he have a kind of a...

Horace and something? You know, before his problems. He had a show that before his problems. Yeah. He had a show that was kind of risque. They were able to use language. FX lets you do a lot. Yeah, FX is amazing. But I just don't understand why TV hasn't taken

the next step to basically narrative podcasts where you have actors doing sketch or sitcoms. Yeah, I liked, you know those fake rocks that they drop on people, I loved that. You know those skits where they have, I guess you could. You mean like the Road Runner? You could call it, I guess, slapstick. Sure.

They don't do that anymore. There's no more slapstick. You know those fake rocks that come down and hit people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that kind of stuff to me is like... It's because of women. Probably. Women won't allow it. Asian women.

Ha ha ha. But yeah, it's unbelievable. Yeah, I was disappointed. What's with the phone? Put the phone down. It's like a... It's OK. No problem.

No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. You want to dominate me? That's fine. That's fine. As long as you're not making noise, I think it's okay. You can do anything you want as long as you don't make noise. Did you hear any noise? Greg? It's Greg. It made me feel like you're expecting a call in the middle of a podcast.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, everything's fine. You got full attention. Bill Burr's great, too. Bill Burr's great. Oh, man, he's a solid. He's so, you know, like yourself, you know? I think solid people are genuine, authentic people attract one another.

If you talk to somebody, and like I'm identifying with your crew, and I only know them five minutes. Yeah, yeah, you can feel they're good people. Yeah. Yeah, they are. They're really solid people, and I'm very lucky. We gravitate towards people that we don't have. You shouldn't have to figure somebody out right away.

Now, I worked with a comic recently, and I thought he was such a good guy, he was smart, we read the same books. You know, when I read the same books as somebody, I have a deep connection to them. And then I go to the guy, I go, hey do me a favor, like before we did any shows, I go, do me a favor, he goes, anything you want me to avoid? I go, yeah please don't do a lot of crowd work,

because I do some crowd work and then when I go out, I start talking to avoid, I go, yeah, please don't do a lot of crowd work, because I do some crowd work, and then when I go out, I start talking to somebody, and they go, they already asked me that. Right, of course, naturally. Yeah. So the feature act shouldn't do crowd work. That's my role. And then the guy goes up, does a great set the first night, I have total respect for his...

Did you work with him before? Never worked with him before. And then we get to the late show Friday night, and this dude goes up and talks to every person in the crowd. And I just immediately went, wow, I really thought before this we were going to be friends. Like, I was going to exchange numbers with him, hang out. And then I just immediately went, no, this guy has got the disease.

He's got the stand-up disease where it was a rough show. And instead of having the discipline and the character to do what was expected of him, he had to break. He went the easy path. Yeah, and it was a desperation. I lost respect for him. The best way to put it is you didn't care for his style. I don't mind it if he's the headliner, like you said.

Ian Bagg, one of my favorite comics. I'll watch that guy every night. Harlan Williams, I love good crowd work guys, but not when they're opening for me. Right. Do 20 minutes of material, show the club owner that you can headline. That's your number one priority when you're featuring for somebody. Prove to the club owner that you can headline. That's your number one priority

when you're featuring for somebody. Prove to the club owner that you can headline. So he didn't do it maliciously or? No, he did it. He did it because he was a- It was a desperation. Did you challenge him on that after the show? Next night I said, do me a favor

and take it easy on the crowd work. And he goes, oh, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that. He knew what I was talking about. So he knew we fucked up. It wasn wasn't a big deal but then we hung out you know we had a nice conversation afterwards now he's a good guy I would have brought him to open for me he's one of those guys where I would have said give me your number I'll take you on the road with me but now I won't. Isn't it easy and just to have some clown open up for you that is in the town that you're

going to? Yes. As opposed to bringing someone along like a ball and chain? It's a pain in the ass bringing somebody. And also you go like, hey, man, you want a feature for me? And they go, great, what's the money? And then I got to now call my agent. My agent calls the club. What's the money? They call me. Can you get me more? Now I'm your agent?

And then the club will go, well, we'll give him a hotel, but no flight. And now I got to say to the guy... Back and forth, we'll give them a hotel, but no flight. And now I gotta say to the guy. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And meanwhile, if I go to a city like Denver, San Francisco, Chicago, I know they're gonna have great comics, so I don't have to worry about it. But if I go to Little Rock, Arkansas,

I'm bringing somebody, because they're gonna have some fucking hack there, who's gonna spend half his set promoting his bumper stickers that he's selling after the show. Yeah, but you can use your first 10 minutes to just throw that gentleman under the bus. And then he gets a chance. Yeah.

It's like sometimes when I feel with Rose, you know, it's like a ball and chain. You know? I want to travel. And you know, she packs for a little person. She packs so much luggage. God, how many panties do you need? How many crotchless panties do you need, Rose?

Maybe they're crotches because you don't buy her new panties, you cheap fuck. They're just worn out. Hey, you're the one talking about. Not paying my feature? You're not giving him any gifts or anything. Alright, a couple things I wanted to ask you about. What's your feeling about women's sports right now?

Like WNBA is kind of blowing up with K-10. Do we really need women's basketball? Come on. We've got men's basketball. Do you really want to see flat ass skinny women with no tits throwing a basketball around? I mean, come on. What do you do after you see a women's basketball game?

Go in the parking lot and blow your fucking head off? I have a bit like that, so I don't know whether you knew that or not. No, I didn't know that. I just assumed you were going to have an opinion on that. Oh, come on. Women's sports, their job was to be cheerleaders. To shake their ass and show us those big milky white tits. Why are they white? You don't want the black cheerleaders?

Well, you know, those milky white tits with those black background nipples, it paints a picture. Greg, is it, right, Greg? You're Fitzsimmons. Yeah picture. You should know, Greg is it, right Greg? Yeah, and yeah. Do you want to eat out all the cheerleaders? Oh yes, no, the cheerleaders you can kill after you have sex with a cheerleader. No one's gonna miss a cheerleader.

You don't like this shirt? You don't like this shirt? No, I love this shirt. It's the easy joke, you know? It's the easy joke. I have the same one, I got it from Bali. Wow. What about Kamala?

What you're feeling on Kamala? Headboard Harris? Heels up Harris? Willie Brown lives up in her vagina. Is that his name, Willie Brown from California? You're from Boston originally? New York and then Boston. Yeah went to college in Boston. And Joe Rogan is a good one too and I'm not just saying that because he writes my checks he's a

solid guy too very generous. Where did that come from? We were talking about the authentic people and good people we mentioned Bill. Yeah but I think we moved on to women's sports and all of a sudden you're blowing smoke up Joe Rogan's ass. A little bit. A little bit doesn't hurt. No, Joe and I started together. We literally started the same week in Boston

and we used to get in cars. 1988? Yeah, 1988. That's when I started, same as him, same as you. We used to get into cars and we would drive to New Hampshire one night, Rhode Island the next night for no money, for free, to do five minutes. And we basically moved our way up,

opening acts, feature acts, headliners. Then we moved to New York together, then we moved to LA together, and then I punched out on the Austin move. I was like, no, I don't need to do that. Too hot. I was like, no, I don't need to do that. Too hot. I like LA. Well, you work in LA. You've got connections here.

You work in the business. Work in the business a little bit. You've got your hand in a lot of different areas of the business. Yeah. You know, you need to be here. Yeah. All right, next question.

Define good comedy. Surprise. You want to surprise the audience. That's when you get the biggest reaction, I believe, and the biggest laugh is when the audience member doesn't see it coming. And you want to see things that, and a lot of audience members will miss the joke. And that's on them. They have to get us. We can't get them. And, you know, I have a bit where I say, I'm sorry it took me so long to get to the stage, but there was a fucking asshole in a wheelchair in the way.

And I said, who likes people in wheelchairs? I mean, come on, stay home till you get better. That kind of shit. Now, the idiot audience member will take that serious. Right, right. And the other audience member will say, because nobody in their right mind in real life says, I hate handicapped people.

But the people in the audience that don't get that, you've told me you enjoy that some of the people don't get it. Well, what I do is I don't ignore it. Yeah. Because they're so stupid to take a comic series to begin with. And then to think that they don't know what satire is.

You know, we talk about some crazy things. But in real life, there are people that really, that's the way they act. And they talk. So we're kind of making fun of those people. I wanna read a couple of reviews on Reddit of one of your shows. This is literally from one show.

One single show at the Mothership. Is this a hack job? What is it, what are you calling it? Hack, is this a hit piece? Is this a hit piece? First one is, damn, I saw Holtzman at Mothership. Openers worked at Mothership and crushed, and he came out, and it was the worst,

most annoying piece of shit set I had ever seen. Couldn't wait for the end, and he kept going. Wow, that's great. That's great. Shut up, Rose! What are you laughing at? Next one is, okay, can you please break down the joke What are you laughing at? You're beautiful, dear. No. Next one is, okay, can you please break down the joke where he says,

if you're a guy, take out your dick. If you're a lady, get on your knees and suck it. Maybe my IQ is too low because all I'm seeing is loud vulgarness, nothing clever. Well, because you're a prude. You're a prude. You probably don't sweat when you jack off. Idiot. They analyze it. You're a prude. You're a prude. You probably don't sweat when you jack off, idiot. They analyze it. They look to, you know, they're not living in the moment.

They're not moment to moment people. The happiest people are moment to moment people. And these people, you know, they're just waiting for someone to say the wrong thing. But thanks for those very flattering reviews. This is a hit piece now. This is turning into a hit piece. No, I do it because my favorite part of your act

is when they don't get you or they yell something out and then you just lose your shit. It's the best. It's so raw. It's so honest. It's so original. And to see you is like... Like you said, it's the moment. There's never the same show twice. It's coming from here.

Like I have nights where I go on and I'm feeling it and I'm grounded and I'm connected to my emotions and I'm in the moment. And then I have shows where I go on. I just, I don't know, maybe I didn't prepare. Maybe I didn't get my head right, but I'm not feeling it with them and I'm struggling. And every time I see you, I feel like you are connected.

How do you get to that place before every show? I guess it comes out of a happiness that I'm actually, because after all, there's a lot of comics that want to do this. Right. And we're lucky enough that they let us do this. Yeah. You know, that after all, there's a lot of comics that want to do this. And we're lucky enough that they let us do this, that we're on somebody's list or on somebody's radar. So it's a happiness to just do it, and a thrill.

And like we talked before about, you want to give them a show. You want to give them a show that you would want to see if a show. You want to give them a show that you would want to see if you were an audience member. Right. You know, fuck the, oh, I need my new material. I mean, you hate to say the thing over again, but if they laugh their asses off, it's like the fag.

Not the, I'm sorry if I said fag, I don't know. But four out of five fags use the word fag. I mean, it's a great word. Everybody loves it. And the fifth one is a homo. Yeah, that's the problem You know if you're having sex with a guy and he turns out to be a homo then you got a problem But I just I get excited I'm working at the mothership and yeah, you know I I didn't like the comics or at the comedy store sometimes in the OR

They'd come up there and tell the audience how much money they were making. Yeah. I'm getting $15 for this, you know, fuck you. And, you know, don't, can you have a little sense of show business? Yeah. You know?

Right. You know, even though they say it's the lowest rung in show business. Stand up. It's funny because it is considered that, and yet, then people go like, actors go, comedy is the hardest thing to do and then you never get an Oscar. Comedic actors never get the fucking Oscar.

Oh yeah. Yet every actor says it's harder to do comedy. Right. Yeah, it's like a stepchild. Yes. But I'm excited to be up there and of course I want to do well and I want to stay at my age. Not that I'm old, but you know, I want to stay the word that I'm probably relevant.

There it is. Yeah. I want to stay relevant. Yeah. You've got to stay relevant. You stay relevant? Well, you are relevant. You're in the zeitgeist right now.

I think you've got a big year ahead of you. What the hell does that mean? I hear that all my life. It means that the business didn't really focus on you for a long time. And now you're part of... I thought it was something to do with restaurants or something. Isn't there a zeitgeist? I think Hitler came up with the word zeitgeist. Oh, thanks.

You're my inside zeitgeist? You don't want to be inside zeitgeist? See Brian Holtzman at the Comedy Mothership four nights a week. Also I'd like to see you get on the road more. I think you got to spread your, you got gotta spread it around the country a little bit. And he's got a podcast that's called Dead Air Podcasts that you've been doing now for a couple years. It started in Burbank with Brian Redban.

And then he moved to Austin, and then I moved to Austin with him. And then we did it again for a little while. Then the club wasn't open yet, the mothership, so I went back to LA. Then I did it again with a little while. Then Joe's, the club wasn't open yet, the mothership, so I went back to LA. Then I did it again with a gentleman named Chris Morrison. We did a few episodes. They're all available out there.

And then it went away again. The producer got too crazy. These people, they get crazy. And then, so we're gonna start it again maybe red band has got a move downtown he got an apartment oh that's nice good and maybe we'll re-establish it thank you yeah get away from that phone yeah so every time you pick up the phone you forget your words. Reestablish that one. Good. And then also the special is called

Hashtag Cancel Holtzman. And it's a great special. You put it out last year I guess? Right. And it's got 250k or 51k. That's amazing. Not bad for somebody who was a dog catcher. That's right. Not too long ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, and they can find that by simply putting, typing in cancelholzman.com, and it should come right up. Okay, I love it. It should, you have no idea. Wait a minute, something funny? Did I say something funny over there? Fuck yourself. Brian Holtzman, thank you for being my guest.

Thanks for having me, I really appreciate it. I don't do a lot of podcasts. Well, you're a great podcast guest. My favorite part about you as a guest is how you break the fourth wall and you look out there and I'm sitting here going, what's he looking at? And then I realize that's how you should do it on a podcast yeah bring it to the people thank you yeah thanks for having me all right and I want to go to Ken Rose and

I come to South Africa because we don't we don't just say just no I'd rather you did it I mean you can go but don't go August 17th to the 23rd. All right, thanks, pal. Thank you, buddy.