Fitzdog Radio - Brian Simpson - Episode 1030

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

Brian and I both just shot our special at The Mothership in Austin, and we both have ADD. We also hate the British and love podcasts. Follow Brian Simpson on Instagram @bscomedian

Welcome to FitzDog Radio. Can you hear me smiling? I'm over the moon, very happy. I did my new one hour special at the mothership two nights ago here in Austin. And, you know, I tell you, I fucking... I prepped so hard for this. I went on the road, like, I taped it first back in March, and then there was some technical problems, so we had to flush it. I had to start all over again. And I think I got really nervous that something was going to fuck up again but I hired the this amazing production company 800 800 pound gorilla shout out to Matt Shuler

Shane Garra Jared Clement they did an amazing job they brought in uh seven cameras big lighting packages and we they set it up right of course course, it's at like, you know, one of the greatest comedy rooms in the country, great crowds. And I just felt ready. I fucking prepped that day. I worked out. I did yoga. I meditated. Somebody taught me these voice exercises. Well, I did everything. I did it all. I drank throat coat, talked to my wife, and then shut my phone off so I wouldn't get any disturbing phone calls or texts all day. I was in the zone. And I did the first show, and I walked out and first of all they tell the audience not to get up before the show during my set they took a break between the feature and me for five minutes to let people get up go to the bathroom and so then they go all right everybody be seated they announced me I walk

up on stage some six foot three fucking Texas galoot comes walking through, not even bent over, not even doing the like prerequisite helicopter walk. Like you're on mash, you know, uh, just walk straight. So I just go, all right, sorry, we got to start over again. So meanwhile, I had walked onto like a huge ovation. Everybody was excited. They've been waiting for the special. waiting for the special, I leave, they reintroduce me, I walk back on, I do the same opening joke, a fucking chick walks through, right through the middle of the room to her seat, now you would think, so I get off stage again, now you would think, okay, now we got it, nope, a third time, so I don't know what the fuck was going on but anyway it actually relaxed me because it was so funny that um it just turned into something the audience was in on and so when I

finally started I was completely relaxed no I shouldn't say that I was still nervous but like you know I was way better than when I walked on the first time so anyway it was good um Adam Eget did my intro. He's one of my dear friends who lives out here and books the comedy mothership, used to book the comedy store forever. Mitch Burrow and Johnny Heft opened up, did an amazing job. And now Ron White came out and sat out in the audience with his girlfriend and watched me, gave me a big hug afterwards. It was very nice. It's a very supportive comedy environment out here.

And so, you know, I don't know what to say. I really feel like I've been in the comedy business for 33 years, and I don't stop getting nervous. I don't stop caring very deeply that what I do is good. Um, I've, and I, and I really have gotten to where after 33 years I got fried and the pandemic happened and I feel like I lost a step. It was the first time I hadn't been on stage in longer than three weeks in 33 years. And it kind of fucked me up. It took me a minute to get my legs back. And I really thought about maybe I should just get another career at this point. job to job to job. Like most people change careers, what, three, four, five times in their life. I do it every fucking week. And my agent has to hunt down a new job for me. And I just, I kind of fried out on it.

And then I was thinking about it. And then I kind of went, you know what? Let me give this one last shot. Let me get geared up for one more special just to see if my heart's still in it. And this was everything that I asked for. This made me feel a hundred times over that this is what I was meant to do, that I'm so lucky that I found it. that I'm so lucky that I found it, and it made me feel like it's the best stand-up I've ever done. I felt strong. The jokes felt tight. I felt like I was more in my voice than I've ever been.

So anyway, thank you, everybody who supported. There's not going to be a long intro for the podcast because I'm so burnt out. I haven't done anything for the last day and a half. But I will say that if you do want to come and see me, the new material is coming out now, coming to San Francisco to the Punchline November 30th through December 2nd, and then Fort Worth at Hyena's December 15th and 16th. Also coming to Milwaukee New Year's Eve for three nights.

Den Theater in Chicago, Atlanta, Portland, La Jolla, Tampa. Go to FitzDawg.com. Come on out. Check out the new shit. We're ready. We're ready to hit the next phase of this great adventure. Also want to talk to you about if you're going to go see other live events like sporting events, plays, comedy, music, anything, you go to Game Time. You get their app. And let me tell you something. It's the fast, easy way to get tickets, last minute deals, all in prices. You can get a view from your seat of what the place looks like. And they got a best price guarantee. Take guesswork out you can um the app's amazing couple taps and you've got it in your phone you don't have to download anything you

don't have to transfer or print it's just it's it's really simple um it shows you what's playing in your area locally at the time i have not looked I usually look before I tape the podcast, but let's just guess that there's a lot of great shit out there and you can see it cheaper. And a lot of times you jump on tickets too early thinking the prices will go up. Well, game time basically says, no, tickets are going to go down and you're going to cash in on it when they do go down and you're going to do it fast and easy on the app and you're going to cash in on it when they do go down and you're going to do it fast and easy on the app and you're going to stop wasting your life. Don't spend your money on stupid shit

like an outfit you're going to wear once. Spend money on an experience. Go out. Spoil yourself. Spoil the person you love and go see. The experiences are worth way more than fangs in this world. Yes, I said fangs. That's how I say it.

Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app. Create an account and use code FITSDOG for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code FITZDOG for $20 off. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. My guest is a repeat guest. I had him on just last year, but he was so amazing, and he lives in Austin, so I wanted to get a chance to get him on the show again.

He also just taped a one hour special in the same theater at the mothership with the same production company. So he was nice enough to give me some advice about it. Um, and which helped me out a lot. He's a guy who he was ex Marine, interesting life was a foster kid. And he's just a killer comic. He's a fucking inside linebacker. He just, killer comic. He's a fucking inside linebacker. He just, he's just strong and so funny. He did, he did that, the standups, that Netflix series where he did a shorter set, but now this is his new one hour special that's coming out soon on Netflix. He's got a podcast called BS with Brian Simpson. And here's my chat with the lovely and talented Brian Simpson. Sitting in the green room of the mothership, Austin, Texas.

The comedy mothership, Austin, Texas. The comedy mothership. Comedy mothership. Brian Simpson is my guest. He's a guy who is probably on these stages as much as just about anybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty much. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm here. I do about, probably minimum 10 spots a week here. No. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, I usually do, because I do two bottom of the barrels and then both the Joe shows on Tuesdays. Yeah.

All four shows on Tuesdays. And then two of Joe's shows on Wednesday, plus Solid on Wednesday and the little boy. So you can make a living just staying here, basically. I mean, I could. I could if I really budgeted. If you were Brian Holtzman. Yeah, yeah, you could make a pretty decent living

if you get past here. Dude, I got to tell you, all those years at the Comedy Store, I always had kids, so I would come in, I'd do my spot, I'd leave, I'd go home. I never, and I'd always heard about Brian Holtzman. I'd always heard the legend of Brian Holtzman going on last at the comedy store every night.

Yeah, he's something else, man. I just saw him here this week. I sit, every time he's on, I sit in the back of the room. He, the first time I saw him, I convulsed. I had tears rolling down my face. Yeah, he, because he is... How do I put it, man?

I've never met anyone that was so different on stage than they are. That's what I was going to say! Exactly! Because offstage, he's the most thoughtful. Sweet. And sweet and just soft-spoken guy. And on stage, he's just a fucking maniac. Oh, my God.

He's so polite offstage. Yeah, very. But on stage, he's all about the joke. He don't give a fuck how you feel about it. That's why he has to go last. He's got to go last. I saw him go in the middle of the lineup the other night, and it wasn't good. Yeah, yeah.

He definitely can't go first. He's doing a thing about Matthew Perry dying and saying he was a drunk, and I could never be one of the friends. Hey, Monica, come here and suck my dick! So that's a great thing about mothership. It's fostering a lot of voices that are probably not going to work out in other clubs as much.

And so it's got a voice. This club has a voice. Yeah, it's kind of like, you know, the store is kind of like that, where it's like, the freaks are welcome. Yeah. Yeah, we need a few weirdos. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Because otherwise,, I honestly,

I think the death sentence for any comic or any club or what, or anything comedy related is like when you start taking yourself too serious. Yeah. You know, when you start being too, I mean, it's fucking,

it's comedy. It's not Harvard. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so I,

I, you know, I liked the fact that like in the most exclusive club in the world, you know, you could somehow, you know, I like the fact that in the most exclusive club in the world, you could somehow boom Shakalaka or Brian Holtzman or Robert Apavaya. They still could walk through the doormark private and be in all the areas. I like that. When the store was like that with Brody Stevens and Rick Ingram. And they just get stronger and stronger and stronger.

And it makes the other comics stronger because it reminds you that there's no parameters on stand-ups. There's no rules. It is literally, it's a piece of stage that you stand on for 20 minutes or 15 minutes, and you want to juggle, you want to play guitar, you want to do fucking gymnastics. As long as at the end of it you've proven that you have a voice and you're different and you're funny, then you're going to come back. Yeah, yeah. And yet so few people take advantage of that.

And that's the thing, man. Every rule I've ever seen, every time I've heard oh you can't joke about that I've seen someone do it successfully yeah yeah cuz that's almost like a challenge to come right yeah I can't get a laugh out of that I know and I've seen it happen you know I don't get me wrong I mean I've seen 40 comics fail yeah but as soon as you go you can't say that you can't joke about that you know everyone tries it and most of them fail and then two or three people go they fucking did it yeah yeah have you seen anyone do the uh israeli palestine topic yet i did you did yeah i put it out too and you know no shit shit. I did, yeah. What are you talking about? I mean, basically the bit is,

the bit is like, you know, it's hard to know who is telling the truth because everyone sounds so passionate. Now obviously, that's why I put it out because this was like when it first started off. And I was like, both sides are like, it's women and children dying, it's women and children dying. It's women and children dying.

And you kind of feel like, oh, well, I have to be, I'm against that, for sure, you know? And so the punch is, how come no one cares when men die? Yeah, right? They never mention the men dying in any other thing. And so, and then my favorite part, the tag, I go, if Hamas had bombed a men's rights protest instead of a rave, CNN would have just been like,

it's 70 degrees and sunny. We're totally dispensable. We are just like the delivery system for sperm. Yeah, with the default deaths in every conflict. But what's funny is the reaction. Because people, you know, some people just, maybe social media is hurting comedy to some degree because it's accessible now to people that don't have a sense of humor you know and so

to see people arguing in the in the comments of this joke as though it's a debate like i'm making like that's what i really feel about yeah yeah yeah it's it's you and it happens every single time no matter and even if it's not a controversial subject people will argue about like the accuracy of the point it's the democratization of comedy comedy was was set up to be a singular voice that challenges the status quo not something that you put out and then gets filtered down or censored or adjusted and you could you and you you could be like like you could post like why did the chicken cross the road you know and some people were like well actually chickens are

afraid to cross the road because they have it's like hey man that's not what the joke is you know chickens are living in cages they're not crossing roads right right it's it's uh I just ignore it now I used to be used to frustrate me Right. Chickens are living in cages. They're not crossing roads. Right, right. And it's, I just ignore it now. It used to frustrate me. That actually is a funny premise for a joke, though, that the chicken crossed the road is no longer relevant because they're all stuffed in fucking cages.

The only time when he crosses the road is when he finds an opening in that cage and he runs for his fucking life. It is wild to me how, for them them to have to now like label food based on how the animal lives and because i didn't know you know what it is it's almost like when uh i don't know if you remember but it was around like 2004 or 2003 but mcdonald's came out with the chicken selects no it's basically chicken strips okay they came out with the chicken selects before that all they had was was a was not nuggets McNuggets right and and and the the big tagline was like 100% all meat you know 100% all white meat chicken 100% chicken

yeah and so and right away I was like wait a minute then what the fuck right it's kind of the same thing like I didn't know that the chickens were in cages till they started telling me they weren't yeah no these chickens were cage-free yeah right right you know you know well it's funny because like you know if we really cared about animals we would go visit them and we'd hang out with them like there's a reason why I live in a city I don't want to see that shit I don't I don't smell calf you ever drive in the Midwest and you just hear you smell the the the calf?

What do they call it? The. Oh, yeah. Farmers are the one group that I'm like, give them whatever the fuck. They. Yeah. We're talking about most of us don't have a stomach for that. Right, right. No, fuck. No. Yeah. That's a new in my new hour. I'm working on this bit about how. How like living well in America is all about

knowing how many steps away from the atrocity you have to be to not feel guilty. You know, it's like, it really is that it's like, I just need to, I need the store and the farmer to take responsibility for whatever the fuck is happening to those animals.

Right. Right. So I can enjoy, like, I remember I just came, I just went to Canada recently. I remember, um,

I went to KFC. No, you know, I've gone to KFC a million times, Canada recently I remember I went to KFC You know I've gone to KFC a million times Never in Canada I go to KFC And the chicken It was so tiny It was so tiny That it

It just immediately Made me wonder like Cause I took it back Up to the counter You mean the animal Or the serving The food No like

The literal pieces of chicken Were small Were probably a third of the size of what you get here. I thought there was something wrong with it. I took it back up to the counter and was like, excuse me, can I get the not sickly chicken? And they were like, that's

just chicken. And that's when it hit me like, oh, our government doesn't give a fuck about us. Whatever they're giving out, that is a regular chicken. Whatever they're giving out, like that is a regular chicken. Yeah, yeah. Whatever they're giving our chickens is... We're pumping them up.

Yeah, it's illegal in all the other developed world. If there was an Olympics for chickens, like US would be disqualified in the first round. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Our chickens go to Gold's Gym. See, that's why all the rich people I know have their own chickens.

That's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, they get their own eggs from their own chickens chickens that are living a life free, wind in their hair looking at the sky, dreaming but there's a price for that because every now and then something will kill one of your chickens my father-in-law

had chickens, he lived in Woodstock, New York and he had a farm with chickens and the um the weevils we weasels oh weasels weasels the weasels used to get in there and the thing about weasels is some animals kill to eat they'd kill they killed every fucking it was 19 chickens and this weasel killed every fucking one of them and didn't eat any of them i mean i'm sure he had a bite here and there, but like, he was like, it was genocide

in there. Fuck, little scumarines. Henicide. Yeah, man, they yeah, so if you want your animal to live free out of the cage, they're living that life out there. They're samurai. It is funny when you think about like how control,

like animals are wild and we have them either on leashes or in cages or stuck in a fucking box. Like we, we have perverted the whole cycle of nature. It's just us. Yeah. And we bred them, you know,

we bred them to be smaller and cuter and yeah right yeah now they they're starting they're trying to breed like little mini little mini uh pit bulls and little mini oh are they really yeah man uh yeah yeah i'm telling you it's gonna get out of control yeah meanwhile we just keep getting bigger the animals get smaller we just keep getting bigger yeah then we got to pump them up with steroids see that's what i'm saying what's the point in shrinking the animals if you're just gonna pump them up with steroids right right what's uh have you ever killed anything you ever hunted no i've never killed them no wow no in fact it i don't i don't know if i have a stomach, man. I'd like to think I could.

Yeah, like I hear, you know, to hear Rogan talk about it, the rush. Yeah. You know, it just seems. I like that he shoots with an arrow, though, instead of a gun. A gun really feels like it's cheating. Yeah. It's just too easy, especially the, like, AR-15s or some kind of semi-automatic weapon. That's just too easy.

Oh, yeah. And, bro, but honestly, like all this aero technology and shit, I mean, you might as well have a gun. Yeah. Yeah, these arrows, like, you know, they got all kind of shit where, like, you can track the arrow

and they, like, I'll put it like this. There's a, Elon Musk just did an episode with Rogan and Joe and they like i put it like this there's a uh elon musch just did an episode with with rogan and and joe goes out and and shoots the cyber truck with one of the arrows oh right as if the show like it it can take it right and people in the comment that don't shoot arrows were like well of course they can bounce off a hero like a arrow would bounce off any car and it's like no the you know and people in the comments that know about arrows were like, well, of course it can bounce off an arrow. Like an arrow would bounce off any car. And it's like, no, the, you know,

and people in the comments that know about arrows were like, no, the fuck it won't. Like, like an arrow could go through a Camry. Yeah. Like that kind of arrow will go through most cars. So this truck is made to be like. Arrow proof? Well, bulletproof.

It's supposed to be bulletproof. No shit. So it's like a survival truck. I don't know what the fuck it is because it's not out yet. I mean, no one has one. But it's supposed to be bulletproof, but famously when they first revealed it, he went to go throw something at the window and it just shattered.

So they haven't redone that test. I would like to see them do that again before. I got to tell you something. There's a lot of hype about Elon Musk. He's kind of dumb also. I know that's sacrilege to sit in the mothership and say Elon Musk. He's a brilliant guy,

but he also makes some stupid mistakes sometimes. Well, you know, we know this for sure from being around comedians is that, you know, being brilliant at one thing doesn't mean you're not a complete fucking idiot at everything. Right. And every person we see that's brilliant at something thinks they could be brilliant at something else. You know? Yeah, stay in your lane. Yeah.

thinks they could be brilliant at something else. You know? Yeah, stay in your lane. Yeah, and so I think that, you know, whatever department his genius is in, he's convinced, and a lot of other people are convinced, that he's a genius in all areas. Right.

You know, because everyone's looking for a daddy. Everyone's looking for someone to do the thinking for them. Yeah. And so they can't wait for someone to go, that's the guy that I'm going to listen to everything he says. Yeah, I remember reading a quote on TikTok the other day from Steve Jobs about balance in life and how raising your kids is the most important thing. He denied the existence of his daughter.

For real. But he still paid for her life, right? He paid for her, but Jesus Christ, the guy had how many billions of dollars he could pay for her. How about spending some fucking time with her you know and now you're gonna tell me how to raise kids just because you made a computer he didn't make the fucking computer he marketed the computer that was the act made right it's a zniak yeah but he's the genius they say oh he's a genius but he's a lot

of geniuses are marketing and Elon is the same way Elon you know can program and he's very good at it but he did not develop a lot of the technology he knows how to oversee it he gets it he understands how to connect people he understands how to take a big idea and and streamline it to where people can understand it but he's not the guy that's like figuring out how the nodes and the modules work. Right. I mean, he's also the guy that thinks he can win a jiu-jitsu match without training because he's big. When it's like, that's the whole point of jiu-jitsu.

Yeah. That you can beat a big motherfucker that don't know what they're doing. Right. Right? Well, it's also because he's South African. And those Africaners, man, they're very full of themselves. Oh, a lot of machismo over there. Yeah, I can get that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're like. They're like, there's like just like their comedy. They're like 30 years behind our whites over here. 30 years ago, realize that, like, you know, maybe we ain't we ain't gonna be you know maybe we're not gonna run the nba yeah maybe we just fall back and own stuff right you know over there they still in

that like we're superior yes that like that they fresh off the apartheid shit dude it only ended in like 89 or something i mean shit so yeah isn't that staggering when you think about that that system existed until night i mean maybe maybe 87 it was somewhere around there but i mean that's fucking i mean not that it doesn't exist in other countries but south africa is a big fucking country it's huge yeah and it's in this and it's still this like that's the thing is like when shit like that is over it's not over yeah you know because you can't just you can't just unlearn like people don't just change their ethic because the government's you know i mean it's just like like when they signed the civil rights act it's not like everyone was like all right we're done we're done with all this racist stuff right you know i mean it's like

it doesn't just go away because the government decided no i mean when slavery ended and reconstruction started like some black people were getting treated even worse. Oh, yeah. They were being fucking lynched. Yeah, because now you got to pay, now you got to pay bills with no, with no experience.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, so. Yeah, so, but I've been to South Africa a couple times, and it's fucking beautiful, man. I could live there. It's like.

Why'd you go there? My wife's brother married a South African woman, so we went over to visit them a couple times. And you go down to Cape Town, and they have some shit you walk through where they're like... I had my daughter walking with me. She was like two.

And he's like, pick her up, pick her up. He's like, the baboons are going to take that fucking kid. Oh my God. And I'll never see her again. That's wild. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look, because, oh man. Can you imagine you out there fist fighting baboons?

Dude. Or it just disappears into the fucking jungle and you're like, we're not going to go up a tree? Yeah, and you're definitely getting divorced after that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you can't, yeah. Yeah, if someone're like, we're not going to go up a tree? And you're definitely getting divorced after that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you can't, yeah. Because whoever the kid was closest to that didn't want to smoke with the baboon

is going to have to take the blame. That's right. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's got to be someone's fault. Right, right, right. And it's like, Greg, you just let the baboon run off. Right.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? And that's high stakes. My wife gets mad when I leave the garbage can in the alley after trash pickup and I don't bring it in and somebody else puts their garbage in it. But baboon taking the daughter? See, I can see how that would be infuriating. Yeah. I mean, somebody else putting their garbage in my garbage can would infuriate me. I, it happened to us and I started tracking down.

I called my neighbor and I accused him because he's got ferns in his yard and my garbage can was filled with fucking fern clippings. And I said, your gardener is putting shit in my can. And then, uh, I said, it just happened today. And then my neighbor goes yeah our garden comes on friday it's tuesday and i was like my bad damn so then who where the fuck these clippers well there's like a community garden that's right behind our house and i think maybe you know the community gardeners have ran out of space to put all their shit so they're sticking to my can.

But they got these trash trucks. I don't know if they have that in Austin, but they come by with like a little fork left. They pick the can up. They turn it over into the truck and then it shakes the can, which has a lid on it.

And they put it down and after three months, none of the cans Have fucking lids Because they've shaken Them off the cans Oh so they don't They And

Okay so the lid The cans are not built To withstand They should be Man Yeah Yeah That kind of pisses me off

You know what's weird With the garbage out here What They only come get The recycling every other week. Oh. Which is, because I live with two other grown men. Yeah. So we have like a backlog of cardboard boxes and stuff.

And twice I've already had to like pay for people to come pick up like bulk. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, you guys are getting a lot of Amazon packages, it sounds like. Yeah, yeah. Well, we all just started making money. We all just started making a lot of money.

So, yeah. You live with other comics? Yeah, I live with other comics. Who do you live with? Hasan Ahmad and Hans Kim. Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah. That's a fun house.

Yeah, yeah. But it's time to end it. Yeah. Well, the thing is when I was moving out here from LA I made the decision kind of quickly

and so they agreed to look for a place because I was like let's just get a place real quick so we can get situated

you know so but it's nice though it's nice to always have comics around yeah and both those guys are super respectful laid back guys and

we're all and we're always going yeah I mean very rarely are all three people there so you gonna buy a place oh yeah I'm already looking for a place now really yeah condo or a house probably a house I don't know about that condo shit. A house is a lot of work, dude. I know. That's the one downside is just owning a house. You got landscaping. You got a roof going out.

You got a boiler going out. I know. I know. It's such a pain in the ass. And they say that it benefits you because of the fucking power of ownership and shit. But you can still own a condo. Right. Right. But then you still got to a condo. Right, right.

But then you still got to go up and down stairs. Yeah. I mean, owning a condo, it's just apartment problems with a mortgage. What's the worst neighbor you ever had in an apartment? My next door neighbor. So it was one of these houses that like this was in San Diego. They rented out the front of the house and then they added on to the back of the house and turned it into four apartments. OK. And. And so there was like a little tiny little backyard with a tree in it.

and so there was like a little tiny little backyard with a tree in it and anyway um my neighbors were they were like downloading shit on my like i let them use my wi-fi when they moved in this neighborly till you get your shift up and they were like downloading shit on my wi-fi when i asked them about it they were fucking lying and then like downloading like big files like movies and yeah yeah like i was getting letters this was back when they were trying to crack down on it and i was getting letters like stop download and then they tell you what the file is you know and that's how i caught them in a lie they were like you know no we're not no we're not downloading shit and then so a few weeks later i was like yeah so what good shows are there right now like oh my god i love the office i'm really? Because that's exactly what the fuck they said you would download. You know?

And so but then Could have been a lot more embarrassing for them. They're lucky it was the office. But this girl, her boyfriend so her boyfriend moved in and I didn't notice until the day I moved out but he kept stealing my bicycle. No shit.

He kept stealing my bike so then you bring it back no no he stole three bikes from me no shit yeah yeah and I couldn't and I at first I couldn't figure out who it was why but it was one of them situations where it was like it kept they kept stealing it right at the perfect moment. Yeah. Where it's like, you know, I get home, you know, I ride my bike home for something. I, you know, I lean it against instead of locking it up,

I lean it just to run upstairs and grab something and I come back out and it's gone. Wow. You know, and I'm like, wait a minute, because it was, the backyard was like closed in. Yeah, it was like a courtyard. Right, so it was like whoever stole it, they had to have known exactly when I got home and exactly the exact moment.

So one time this happened, and I came home the same time as he did. And we both had done the same thing, just leaned our bike and ran upstairs. When I came out, my bike was gone, and his bike was still there and his bike was way nicer than mine and I was like wait a minute how the fuck why the fuck would somebody come this and walk past your bike and steal my bike yeah it was this motherfucker it was this motherfucker how'd you catch him I didn't catch him in the act but

that but but but when I was moving out that's when this that's when this happened when I was moving I was like that what there's no way right that there's no way that this person could have known from the time I walked to Mike to the truck and back that that was the window to steal the bike yeah it had to be him he was the only one there and everybody else you know he was a shifty mother for a shiftless guy yeah yeah that's the thing about neighbors you're always gonna have a shiftless one there's always one shiftless neighbor that's the worst that's pretty bad three bikes yeah but but but I feel like I

feel like what makes somebody a bad neighbor is what makes is when they're doing things that affect you in your house right and I don't know I guess if I had time to think about it I could probably name quite a few right right cuz that's the thing right to be a to be a good neighbor you have to be a shitty neighbor first a couple times you got to learn right, you have to be a shitty neighbor first a couple times. You got to learn. Right. It's almost like when you first hit your 20s and you don't realize that you're a shitty roommate. Yeah.

And then by the time you're doing your third or fourth time and now you have a shitty roommate. And then you realize what you had been doing. Right. It's the same thing with a neighbor. Or maybe somebody, and they're doing you a favor. I call people on shit. I'm a guy who has spent my entire life calling people on shit all the time.

And I think I do it in a fair way, but I'm from New York. I'm from New York. I speak my mind, you know? And some people can't handle that, especially in LA. People take it very personally if you criticize anything they do. I'm doing you a favor, man. I'm telling you in a gentle, caring, fair way that you're being an asshole.

And you can hear that. When's the last time this happened? Oh, my neighbor. My next door neighbor. The same guy you accused? Yep. Okay. Same guy.

He has, you know, we have a fence. I live in Venice and we have a fence and then there's a sidewalk and then there's a little median between the sidewalk and the street. So, you know, there's palm trees and then people do different things in front of their houses. Some people have grass. Some people have potted plants. So we put down just some flagstone.

And you know what decomposed granite is? No. It's like it's a very fine sand, but it looks almost like soil. But it doesn't get on your shoes and it doesn't wash away. It's like it's solid. Okay. So anyway, we've spent a lot of money and put this down. And he's got grass.

And so his sprinkler, his gardeners come and they overwater his grass. And it just, it's like a river onto our decomposed granite and it discolored it. And it fuck, it got it all over the flagstones. And I just called him and I go, Hey man, your gardeners are,

you know, fucking up my, my shit. See now I think the clippings are his. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the gardener. I. See, now I think the clippings are his. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's the gardener. I think the clippings are his.

I think he's just smart enough not to put them in your can on the day of the gardener. Right, right. Yeah, because this is a war. This is a battle here. This is a battle. Yeah. And what was his response to that?

He didn't take responsibility? No, he was great. And I have said, the gardener's an ongoing thing. About six months ago, I said, hey, man, your gardeners have these leaf blowers. And I swear to God, he's got like a V8 Chevy engine on his back. It's so fucking loud. And it's a little tiny yard. I go, he blows it for like 25 minutes.

I go, can you possibly switch to like an electric? No sweat. Next week, fucking electric blowers. No, this guy's great. This guy's great. Wow. Okay. And the watering stopped.

And years ago, we have a fence between our yard, and it's got a little gap underneath it. And his guys would come, and they would blow his yard, but they would blow everything under. And my yard, when they came, would be covered in leaves, cigarette butts. And I yelled at the gardeners and they wouldn't listen to me. And they kept doing it week after week and I'd yell at them. And then one week I got a hose out with a spray gun on it and I fucking hosed this dude down.

Oh, great. Head to toe. Leaned over the fence and I fucking hosed this dude down. Oh, great. Head to toe. Leaned over the fence and I fucking hosed him down. What happened? Nothing. Wow. You were,

you were, you were rolling the dice. You hosed down a grown man. Yeah. That does manual labor for a living. Yeah, I know. Wow.

I know. Yeah. Was you ready for that smoke if it went there? Hey, there was a fence between us, you know. My gate's locked. I was a sniper. I was ready for that smoke if it went there? Hey, there was a fence between us, you know? My gate's locked. I was a sniper.

I was a fucking sniper. You could climb a fence. You could jump a fence. Because that's the reason to jump a fence to whoop somebody's ass. Yeah, yeah. He would have beat my ass for sure. But I don't think. When I get angry, that's how I act.

And I don't think. Is that a New Yorker thing as well? I think it's an Irish thing. You know, Bronx Irish. that's how I act and I don't think is that a New Yorker thing as well I think it's an Irish thing you know Bronx Bronx Irish just kind of like speak your mind stand up for yourself

I think it's Irish all over the world I don't think it's just Bronx yeah yeah yeah I think so we got fucked with for a long time I just listened to

your most recent podcast and I liked your take on the British because I mean that's how I feel like there's all kinds of racism going on in the world

but not enough of it is directed towards the British it really isn't yeah for sure they fucked with us for 800 years the whole world yeah and then they just gave it up so they could have universal health care they just left everyone

to fucking to squalor yeah right yeah they pulled out of India and they just, and India's the poorest country in the world since they pulled out because they took away their whole sense of identity.

Yeah, and they made these, you know, they arbitrarily divided up these areas to purposely cause like divisions, you know? Oh, really? Yeah, like I believe to purposely cause divisions. Oh, really? Yeah. I believe Pakistan used to be a part of India. Oh. And just like the Middle East.

They just were like, we're going to draw the line here and the line here and the line here. This was after the World Wars. Right, right. Yeah. We're giving up. We're not taking care of the shit.

Keep our face on the money. And everyone, as long as y'all agree to play cricket yeah yeah right right keep buying our tea keep playing cricket and put the queen on your dollar bill and we're good the problem is there's a bunch of bootlickers in every country that's like yeah we yeah the queen so i've learned this recently the the concept of concept of the power coming from the people, that didn't exist until recently. Right. Yeah, I'm butchering this. I think it was one of the Charleses, one of the King Charleses. He started all these fucking wars that he wouldn't give up,

He started all these fucking wars and he wouldn't give up and then he ended up raising taxes to the point where it was just unacceptable. And it started almost a civil war. And they ended up arresting him and then they put him on trial and this trial was probably

one of the most important trials in history wait so the people arrested the king the people arrested the king England in England yeah and they put him on trial but in the in the in the trial you know his his whole defense was by by what authority are you charging me and you gotta keep in, like right now it seems obvious, but back then no one had ever even considered, because back then it was like, you're king because God says you're king.

And so the power comes from God to you. Divine right. Right, divine right. And so the concept that like the king's power comes from the people, that didn't exist. Right. So every time they would, they would sit all day

and had this trial and he would come up and just be like, by what authority are you charging me? Because treason is going against the king, I'm the king. So how can this be treason? And so someone had to think of this. And my whole point is, half of the motherfuckers were still on the king's side. Even after all this shit.

Of course. He killed, he taxed him to death and killed so many of them. They went through all this trouble to arrest this motherfucker. And there were still people that was like, I kind of just like having a king. Yeah. Yeah, because the whole idea that power comes from the people was just, it was just non-existent.

I forget what the fucking name of the term is. Yeah. But it's people like that all over the world. It's like... Popular rule? No. Well, it's basically... Is it popular sovereignty?

Maybe. But it's basically my mom and my mother-in-law both went to the same high school in the Bronx together, which is fucking weird, because we only found that after we started dating and our mothers met. and they were like, where'd you go to school? I was like, St. Benedict's.

She goes, I went to St. Benedict's. Turns out my mother-in-law was friends with my aunt. But my point is, these kinds of Irish, these first-generation Irish, they're fascinated with the royal family. They sit, when Diana died, they wept, they watched the funeral, all the weddings, they sit by the TV for 12 hours.

And I go, what the fuck? What is this reverence you have for these people that literally slaughtered us, took away our language, took away our culture, and kept us from getting higher? I mean, it was like, you know. Because you know what? You know why? Why? Because it's the same problem that a lot of older black people had with white people, right? Where it's like, even if that's the person that oppressed you, that's still the standard you grew up with as what was better.

They still have everything that's better. So I remember having a great a great grandma that was like, no, take me to a white doctor. You know, take me over there where the white folks go. Yeah, because it's like, that's where the better shit is. That's how they grew up. So it's like, even though the royal family's fucking evil, they set the standard for like, what is opulent?

What is luxury? What is the best of the best? So it was like, a lot of people might resent them in one way but still defer to them but still envy them like they still want what they got so they see that as the thing to measure up to right you know yeah i remember i got in trouble i'm not in trouble but i got a groan for making a princess diana joke um and it's people still people still they still have that like reaction like oh no and then I go I go what what did Princess Diana do yeah what does she do that was so great I mean what happened to her was tragic for sure yeah but what does she do and nobody can answer me well she did a lot of

good work with AIDS at a time when it was very unpopular to stand up for AIDS. No, she didn't. No, no, no. I mean, what she did was she talked about it. No, and believe me, I'm not a royal defender in any way. It was really, if you think about the 10 most famous people in the 20th century, she was up there, and I don't know why either. I mean. Well, I know why she was so famous.

I just don't know why she was so beloved. Yeah. She was famous because she'd been the first commoner in a long time to get into the royal family. Yeah. And that's why I don't feel bad for Meghan Markle because it's like, hey, bitch, did you not see what they did to that pretty white lady? You think you're going to slide in there and have a big smooth sailing? Yeah. And then she came in and she goes,

I had no idea I would be treated this way. What? Right. What'd you think that was going to... Did you miss history class your entire life? Yeah, you out of your mind. You out of your mind. And, you know, and it turns out, you know,

I think when it's all said and done, old Harry is going to regret giving up all of that power and privilege. I mean, he was never going to be king or anything like that. Yeah. But what an easy life. All you got to do is be places. Well, you got to be a lot of places, though. Yeah, but Greg, everything's done for you.

Yeah. Your clothes are laid out for you. People, they wash your ass for you. They put the clothes on you. They put the clothes on you. They put the clothes on you. They drive you. They meet you. All you got to do is just exist.

Yeah. And then, and if you won't, somebody could disappear. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, the royals, they could fuck somebody's child and then put you in jail. Dude, who do you think killed Epstein? It's because Prince Andrew got busted on that island. Wow.

Who do you think disappeared Epstein? It was the fucking royals, man. I didn't realize that that was connected. Yep. Wow. Yep. I wouldn't put it past him. I mean, he was more powerful than any of those people that got busted.

Clinton. Once a president's out of power in this country, he's got no power. You know? Look at fucking Jimmy Carter. What did he do? You know, after God bless his wife. She just died. Peanut Farm? Peanut Farm. He went back to Peanut Farm. What did he do? You know, after God bless his wife, she just died. Peanut Farm.

Peanut Farm. We went back to Peanut Farm. Are they both dead? No, I think he's hanging in. He's on like hospice, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that means dead. Isn't it funny when you live to 96 and your fucking spouse dies within a couple weeks of you?

Yeah, because hospice just basically means now you're allowed to use drugs. Yeah. Dude, I look forward to that. Oh my God. Morphine drip. You should be able to apply for early hospice. Right? Just like, hey man, I'm done. I'm done. Like you get the

wrong tax return. Hey man, can I just do heroin until I'm gone? If I have enough money to pay for a care worker, can I just be on opium for the rest of my life? Yeah, because now, you know, we have assisted suicide in a couple states.

Yeah. But you gotta be terminally ill. Like, you got all these rules about it. You can't just be over it. You gotta be terminally ill. Yeah. And I had a buddy, I served with him a long time ago. And I don a buddy, I served with him a long time ago. And I don't know if other veterans have this, but it's just weird.

It's like the opposite of a parasocial relationship almost. Or the reverse, where it's almost like, you know what I mean? There's people that know you from your podcast and your comedy and your thing, and they know you just as well as a good friend might, but you know nothing about them. But then there's people that, they're good friends from a long time ago,

and so they don't really know you now. Like I was in the Marine Corps, what, a little over 20 years ago? And, but I still know these people, and we were really tight back then, but now it's like, once a year, twice a year, we go on a group chat and talk and shit, but we don't really know each other like that,

you know what I mean? And it's one of those things, but it's still all love and try to keep the brotherhood going and all this and this dude calls he calls us he says he's got some kind of cancer and and he's done you know he's doing the he's doing the the assisted suicide he's in Oregon where you where it's illegal yeah and he's terminal and he's gonna do it in a few days. And so it's one of these,

you know, it's just this Harkalian effort. The network gets to going because somebody called me and then I called two more people. It was like, yo, you gotta call him now. He's gonna die tomorrow.

Call him now. I'm waking motherfuckers up. You know, and now we're all, everyone from our unit is all in, even people that I didn't, that I purposely cut contact with. Now we're all in a group thing.

And they've all said their piece. But this is on Facebook. We're all in a Facebook group thing. And a group chat. And we're reminiscing, and we're doing all of, yeah, and everyone, and we're reminiscing. And we're, you know, we're doing all of these things. And everyone's saying all these nice things and telling stories and all of this shit.

And then a couple weeks go by. And, oh, and before this, so the night I out I'm I call him and I'm in an Uber. You know, yeah, I'm on an Uber on my way to the comedy store. I'll never forget. I have this whole conversation that doesn't make my Uber driver look fucking mortified when I got to the end because it didn't make any sense what I was saying. Yeah. Unless someone's dying, which you wouldn't assume. Anyway, a couple of weeks go by. someone's dying, which you wouldn't assume. Anyway, a couple weeks go by, and since now everyone's back in fresh contact,

so we get to talking, you know, people throwing funny shit in the chat, add more little pictures from back in the day and all of this, and then this motherfucker pops into the chat. This dude is supposed to be dead. He was supposed to have died two weeks ago. And he pops in the fucking chat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And listen, for the fucking chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And listen, for the sake of privacy, let's just call him Wilson. And Wilson, is that you? Is this a family now? It's him. It's him. And now at this point, so now his ex

is pissed at him and spills the beans to everybody else. Like, it was all bullshit. Oh, from the beginning it was bullshit? Yeah, he was not going to do it from the beginning. And he told us that it was a different disease than it was because it came from, like, drinking too much instead of, like, you know, because if you get something from alcohol, people don't feel bad for you. So he told us it was a different disease.

He told us it was terminal. He said he was going to kill himself and he never did and he never intended to do you think he was just getting off on hearing how people cared about him you know what it's tough for me because when it comes to like exes and stuff like that you know people can embellish and they want revenge and that kind of thing. But yeah, I think he, I think he wanted to see if people gave a fuck or I don't know, man. But now amongst now amongst my friends that I still do talk to whenever his name comes up, I go, yeah, may he rest in peace. You know, I just, I just,

I'm like, I'm like, no, you don't, you're dead to me. Like you're dead. So you don't get to come back. If you ever get your own TV show, that's a great pilot episode. That's a really interesting pilot episode. Yeah, because it would show you as the guy that organizes, like, rallies all the old friends, brings everybody together. And then you being the first one, when you find out it's bullshit, to be like, fuck this guy. Oh, yeah, fuck him. He's dead.

Yeah. Yeah. And now, I mean, he still talks to people and stuff like that, but I just act like he's dead yeah yeah and i said and now i mean he still talks to people something like that but i just like like yeah right i could see it i mean i always say like we should we should like do memorials for people before they die because what a waste if they didn't get to see how much everybody cared about them yeah but that but see i don't want to start down that road because it's going to turn into what weddings have

women are going to take them over and pervert them into some narcissistic fucking thing you know what I mean it's like a wedding used to be we used to be hey we don't have the male service or anything like that so I'm marrying you in front of the whole town

so they know you mine we having a party in front of everybody whole town so they know you mine. We having a party in front of everybody so everybody know you my wife. That's what it was for. Now it's like, oh you gotta spend this percent and it's gotta be this and that and all of these rules. Who the fuck, by the way, here's the other thing,

who the fuck tells women the rules? Because they all cost money. Yeah, people will spend more money. They will spend like a house down payment on a wedding and then be living in an apartment. Right. You know what I'm saying? Which is crazy to me.

Right, right. And then they get remarried and they want another gift. Well, give me back the first gift and then I'll buy you another gift. Hey, listen. And my friends know this. This is my rule. This is my rule. another gift listen and my friends notice this is my rule this is my rule with the exception of direct family if I come to your second wedding I'm not

coming to your funeral oh you only get to service you get two ceremonies out of me I don't do ceremonies I'm not coming to no parades none of that like I'll come but you get to ceremony I don't like pageantry. You know what I mean? I don't like things that are just for show. So if you want me to come to something that's just for show, you get two of those. You can get a wedding and a christening.

You can get a wedding and I even put a birthday party in there. That's one of your ceremonies. Yeah, but first of all, what would a grown man have in birthday parties? That's another thing that's wild. I remember one of the biggest guys that works, you know, it's a bunch of fucking burly motherfuckers in the security here.

I remember I'd walk up to him and he'd be like, today's my birthday. And I'm like, you're a grown man. Especially the odd numbers one. Like if you're 40 or 30, all right, man, I'll give you a head nod. I'll sign a card or whatever. But if you're 37, I don't give a fuck.

And also, we barely know each other. Yeah. Yeah, you're not, I don't give a fuck. And also, also like we barely know each other. Yeah. Yeah. You're not allowed to do that to me. Right. By the way, it's my birthday.

Hey, listen. Yeah. Especially, I think comics have kind of an aversion to people declaring that it's their birthday because we've had so many shows ruined by people who think that means

that they're special or whatever. Yeah. I enjoy when someone yells out, it's his, it's his birthday just because it's funny to look at them and go. I don't care. Like, not even say anything. Just look at them and then turn around and continue your act.

That always gets a fucking huge laugh. It's even better than shitting out. Oh, wow. Okay, I might try that. Just apathy. Yeah. Yeah, because I don't care. Yeah.

And also, if it was that special to you, you would be somewhere other't care. Yeah. And it's like and also like if it was that special to you you would be somewhere other than here. Right. You would be if you had friends that you really enjoyed and that were

interesting and funny. Why the fuck would you sit quietly in the dark for an hour and a half. Right. That's a weird thing to do. And also like don't sing

happy birthday in the restaurant because like that's time the average person both people are working. They got to get a babysitter. They got to drive to the to the restaurant they got a valet park they got to wait for the table they got to wait for the waiter to tell them the specials and then you get maybe an hour where you can actually enjoy a conversation and now you're gonna break into that for me to sing for

someone i never fucking met fuck you and you know what guess what god doesn't even care do they have a birth is there such thing i'm not a catholic but is there such thing as a birthday mass no no because if you said that to a priest they would be like in a priest way of saying fuck off they'd be like i'm sorry my son the lord's time is yeah it's precious you know some shit it was like yeah there's no birthday mass get the fuck out of No, the only birthday that the priests care about is when a boy turns 18, because then he's out of the game. He punches out.

Man, are you not allowed? You know what's so funny is a lot of times when I'm in a Catholic area, Boston, when I'm in a Catholic area, Boston, when I'm in Boston or anywhere like that, if you bring up the priest fucking, it's almost like, and this is weird, and this is mostly from my friends in Boston, but it's like, they will criticize the Red Sox.

Even if they won a championship like this year, they'll criticize the Red Sox. But if you bring up priest fucking kids, no one will say anything directly at you, but they'll just be like, come on. Like, just let it slide anything, like, directly at you, but they'll just be like, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, just let it slide. You know what I mean?

Right, right. It's such a weird, at least that's how it was, like, five, six years ago. Yeah. But what is that about? Is it, like, because here's the thing. Almost every Catholic person I know was either touched by a priest or they know somebody that was. Yeah, I do. Right, so it's not like an uncommon thing. So what I'm saying is, it's mad priests out here

that have never been publicly accused, where it's like 40 boys that came up under them that was touched, and they're still out there, and people just kind of let it slide. So why would you bring it up, everyone? Think about it. If any other corporation, the Catholic Church is maybe, I think, the biggest landholder in the world. And they've got more equity.

And yet, if any other corporation had one CEO molest a child, that company would be out of business. A dozen? Completely out of business. A dozen? Completely out of business. How about thousands? Could you imagine if the GM of Target, the GM of the local Target, was molesting kids and they just moved him to another Target? Right, right.

You know what I mean? And then we found out that it was this thing that just kept happening all over again. And so it's Target general managers all over the country that have fucked kids. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right. Yeah. I don't get it. Yeah.

I know. It's fucking, it's crazy. It must be some ancient, it must be some ancient like extra book or something that that the church doesn't show the regular public. You know what I mean? Like some secret thing. You mean a register of who's done it? No, no, no, no, no. I mean like something that justifies it, like some kind of ritual where it's like,

this is how you stay pure, but it's not for the commoners' eyes or some shit like that. Right, right. Because it doesn't make any sense that the Pope wouldn't just lose his shit about it. Like, yo, not only are we not moving this motherfucker, we're going to chop his fucking head off. Yeah. Right? Right. No, and then you think about Pope, who was the Pope that just died before this one, when he was a cardinal he was Cardinal Richelieu

in Germany, that dude oversaw he was the guy, he was the head of the branch that investigated child molestation and he was the guy as a cardinal that was moving people all over the place, it was on his hands and then he got elected

Pope after that. That's wild. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Anyway, listen, we get to the part of the show now. Did we do this last time where I ask you a series of quick questions at the end of the podcast? It's called Fastballs with Fitz. Okay, let's do it.

I think we did, maybe. All right, we'll find out. That was over Zoom. That was on the pandemic. Oh, fuck, that's right. Yeah. Okay, well, this will be better because it's in person. All right, what is the greatest comedy performance you ever had?

Is there one that sticks out in your mind where you got off stage and you went, that's as good as I can do? Oh, yeah. That's as good as I can do. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. I've had a bunch of those here.

Yeah. Yeah. But I must say something specifically. It was fresh out the pandemic. It was the first JFL audition that happened right when LA Started letting people gather And I remember everybody was there Because ain't nobody had been out to do nothing Legally anyway

And everybody was there All the networks And all the streaming services And all the agencies And everybody was there And I was like I'm going to go last They all came out to Austin for the showcase no this was in LA oh this is in LA okay yeah it was at the uh

what's that one theater it's like you know it's like the artsy theater Largo no no no the other one um Dynasty typewriter oh yeah yeah that's a hot little room. Yeah, and I remember I was so locked in because I knew it was going to come, and I literally spent the whole pandemic just over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, just doing it in my head, just talking to myself. Yeah. Yeah, because, dude, I can open mic in my head. You can visualize it.

Yeah, it's like I feel like there's a crowd up there and a stage up there and I've run everything there first. And so I was just doing. That's interesting. Yeah, I do it over and over and over and over and over and I'm wrong sometimes. But but when I when that when that was over with, I was like, I know more fucking way. Like basically when there's something on the line, I feel like I do better.

Uh-huh. Right. Well, because a lot of us, I know for myself, I can speak for myself, I have ADHD. And the reason why you take Ritalin is because it spikes your energy. It gets your neurons popping. Right. And that's when we engage. People with ADHD, everything runs lower. And that's when we engage people with adhd they're everything runs

lower and that's why we can't engage and that's why we're drawn to stand-up comedy because you go on that stage and it's fight or flight and it raises up your intensity i've had it for like 30 years now how you have i don't have i don't they won't give me anything but but uh but my point is i just read that the reason why kids especially ones with ADHD, the reason why they can play a fucking video game, but they can't do their homework. And man, this opened my eyes about my own behavior, is that they need immediate consequences. This is why I can do stand up, but I can't like, like, like I have paperwork that took me 10 minutes to file, but it took me three weeks to do it. Because if the consequences are down the line, because we have a problem with self-motivating.

So that's why, like, at the last minute, with the sense of urgency, when someone's depending on you, then you can fucking get on the ball. Right. So when you play video games, you get instant consequences. When you do stand-up, you get instant consequences. But when there's a paper due and it's not going to be graded

for three weeks, Yeah. you just don't got it. You just don't got it in you. That's why they have comedians their own deals and they got to write their own script

and they sit there and they don't write it. They don't write it. They don't write it. I know it frustrates, I know it frustrates people that work for me or whatever, but it's like, hey, man, I just can't do that. I can't be on, you know, I need somebody that's going to get it started.

I need somebody to keep me on a schedule or something like that because if you don't, then I'm just not going to do it. Yeah. Or I'm going to do it at the last minute. Yeah, and it's even the same for specials. Like, you know, you know your special's coming up up and you know, you got to figure out a set. You got to figure out a wardrobe. You got to figure out camera angles is all these things. And you kind of keep pushing it off and pushing it off because you know that when it comes down to it, when you walk on that set, like last night I did my special here.

And I had a set that I, I walked off stage and I haven't done this in a long time. I fucking jumped up in the air and I screamed like that's, that's how well it went. And I, I got to thank you by the way, because you did, you did it here first on this stage and you were very generous.

You gave me a lot of good advice about shooting here and about, we use the same production company and I felt very prepared, but I didn't do any of the set. I didn't come up with any set ideas. I bought my outfit three days before I left L.A. I did the same thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. I was like, this is how we are, man. Yeah. That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah. And actually, you know what? I have a better answer to your question.

When I shot my half hour in New York, I have a joke where, like basically the joke was about why white people can't say the N word, right? And it's a whole thing about how like it doesn't make sense, but you do understand that you can't call people certain things. And then I go, you know, you don't call your mother by her first name, right? Even though that's her name, right? And then I go, what's your mother's name?

And I have an answer for each thing, right? But the sweetest answers, like the sweetest responses I have for the answers call for specific kind of names, right? And I've probably done that joke 500 times and I've never gotten all three because I asked the question three times before I dropped the punchline yeah what's your mama's name what's your mama's name what's your mama's name and when I film that special the last show I got no the first show I got each and every one and to the point where people shit yeah people asked me if those people were

planted yeah they were not Wow I just happened to get them bang, bang, bang. And I walked up. And sometimes, you know, you walk off stage and you're like, the comedy gods have smiled upon me, you know? Yeah. Because it's a lot of elements. It's a moving target. The audience is a moving target.

They change. You're a moving target. Your moods change. Your concentration wavers. A fucking waiter drops a tray. Like, you're up there. And when the whole set goes right, you just realize everything came together. You did.

They did. Yeah. You know. Did you get it on the first one or second one? First one. That's the good thing. And then the second one, the weirdest thing is, like, the first show, I've been doing this for 33 fucking years.

And I've been walking around for a week uh just on on fucking eggshells like nervous where i'm like and then i got up there and 10 minutes into the set when it's going well i'm like what the fuck was i so nervous about right you know and then i walked off stage and i just was like and then when it came time for the second show i had no nervous energy at all which actually worried me because i was like, and then when it came time for the second show, I had no nervous energy at all, which actually worried me because I was like, these two shows aren't going to match. I'm a different guy going up there for this late show.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So I just did like, I did the bits I needed to get that I didn't think I completely nailed in the first show. And I did almost the same set, but then I mixed in a bunch of crowd work and a couple different bits that I was thinking about that were kind of on the bubble.

But it was a different energy and uh and now you have now you have three months to procrastinate on editing it well that's what i said to matt schuler who's the guy that produced our specials i said to him look man i want to turn this around fast i want to get this out in march so you know send me the send me the cut and i'll i'll give you notes he goes you know, send me the cut and I'll give you notes. He goes, you know what? Every comic I work with says the same thing and none of them do it. He goes, none of them ever do it. Because you can't. Yeah.

You don't, that's not how your brain operates. Yeah. And I've learned, and this has completely changed my level of happiness. I've learned to just accept it it's just who i am it's the price i pay for being good at this i think or being you know i'm not saying everybody with adhd can be a comedian but i just mean my not having a not normally functioning brain is is the cost of whatever the fuck i got going on no that's i read a book about adhd

because my daughter has it as well. And we got to stop looking at it like it's a negative thing or it's a deficit. They call it attention deficit. Well, yeah. What about the fact that I can hyper-focus more than anybody? You give me a...

If I'm writing a script and I'm in the groove, you can't pull me away from that fucking laptop. I'm locked in. I'm locked. And when i'm on stage i'm locked and there's a lot of things we can do that other people can't do there's like a lot of benefits to adhd yeah i heard a theory that like it it used to be very beneficiary like in the hunter gatherer times because you that's the person you wanted on point to notice everything. And here's the other thing I can't control is like, I don't necessarily remember,

like I don't have any control over what information gets soaked up. Like yeah, because I'll forget like some important number that I need to remember, but then I'll remember that somebody dropped a trade out there last Tuesday. And it doesn't make any sense why that is something that stuck around, but I just don't. No, I'll forget my agent's assistant's name for two years,

and then I have yet in ten years I have not forgotten my room number when I'm on the road I always remember my room number yeah so that's what I mean it's so dumb but it's just what it is man I've stopped beating myself up about it

I've stopped having feelings about my feelings that's my struggle now because you put a layer it's like, you're nervous, right? Because you're about to go up. And then, but now you're pissed at yourself because you told yourself you would stop being nervous.

Well now you have to deal with the anger before you can deal with the nervousness. Because you're having feelings about your feelings. It's like, so I'm trying to work, I'm trying to stop doing that. I'm like, oh, I made a mistake and now I'm frustrated with myself because I made a mistake that I always make. And now I'm frustrated for being frustrated because I promised myself I would stop being frustrated.

And so you get into this habit of putting all these layers of bullshit on top of the actual thing that you need to process, you know what I mean? I've always said anger's not an emotion. It's something that sits on top of an emotion. You get angry because you're frustrated. You get angry because you're hurt. You know, you get angry because you're betrayed. But you got to sit with the betrayal.

Yeah, anger's like yelling, right? It's just the thing that everything turns into when you haven't really parsed it out. You know? Sometimes you're just, ah, because you don't have the actual words because you haven't done the actual thinking. Yeah. Right. I feel like anger is like that. It's like anger is to emotions what yelling is to trying to express yourself.

Right. Right. Right. It just turns into anger because you don't have the presence right you haven't processed that you're not in the moment whatever the fuck all the solutions are yeah but but it's also like noticing like i've been meditating for a lot of years and the thing about meditation is you sit and it's the same thing you don't get mad at the fact that you're not getting into your mantra.

You notice. You go, oh, I'm thinking about my special tomorrow night. And instead of, like, getting angry about it, you just go, I'm a fly on the wall seeing that I'm thinking about that. And then it just loses all its energy and it shrinks down. It doesn't go away. It's energy and it shrinks down. It doesn't go away. But there's a thing called, you know, dialectical. Crazy.

Dialectical behavioral therapy, which means I'm nervous and I'm going to go on stage and do a good job. It's not but. You always say and. Two things can coexist. Dialectical. Dialectical. Two things can happen at the same time. They may seem to Contradict each other And they can both be true

I can't stand Randy And I can learn a lot From Randy You want to know The most ADHD thing ever What Is we We never

Did the rapid We We We We started We started with one question And just fucking kept going. All right, well, then that's the way to end that.

Yeah, it is. That's the way to do it. Appreciate you, bro. All right, Brian Simpson, he's got dates coming up. He will be in the House of Comedy in Westminster, Canada on December 29th through New Year's Eve. Yeah. That's going to be a fucking cold New Year's Eve for you, brother.

And I'll be in San Diego at the end of January. The mic drop January 26th to 28th. I'll be at the DC Improv in March. February 29th through March 2nd. And then Levity Live in West Nyack March 8th through the 10th. If you go to bryansimpson.com

you can get links for tickets and also he's got a great podcast that I just listened to. It's called BS with Bryan Simpson. And it's great, man. It's just you fucking chilling. Who's your sidekick on that? His name's Rob Herbert. Yeah, you guys are great together.

Yeah, yeah. You drive it, and he's just there kind of supporting you. Right, and then we disagree just enough. Yeah, right. Yeah. I think Rob's an anarchist or something. That's a good sidekick, an anarchist sidekick. Yeah, he's a liberal anarchist.

Yeah. Yeah. And you're like a, you're a Texas liberal. Me? You came out here a liberal, but I can see you're starting to. No, see, what I realized is I've always been a Texas liberal. Yeah. I just came out here and realized, oh, okay, I see.

Yeah, because I want a gun. I have a gun. Yeah. Yeah, I just want to have a gun. Well, you're a military guy. Yeah. Yeah. So people, you know.

But that's about it. That's about where. What else makes you Texas liberal? Well, I think it's a libertarian kind of thing. Like, leave people alone to do their own thing. Whereas liberals, you know, that's what the conservatives stand by. It's like, we're about, you know, freedom. And so I think that letting people have guns,

letting people fucking, you know, not have big government. Like, that's what I think of is like a texas thing but you can be a liberal which means you don't give a fuck if someone's gay or you know you don't right they're like leave people alone unless they're gay or want an abortion exactly exactly all right man thanks so much for doing this. All right, man. No problem. Peace. See you. Peace.