Fitzdog Radio - Carol Leifer - Episode 1091

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

My guest is an Emmy Award winning writer for Seinfeld, Hacks and Curb and she did Letterman over 25 times. Love me some Carol Leifer.Follow Carol Leifer on Instagram @carolleiferWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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Give your finances a lift. -♪ Hello, fans of FittDog Radio. I hope you're doing well. First of all, apologies about last, this past week's Sunday papers. There was a production gaffe and the team in St. Louis uploaded the last FitzDog Radio to the Sun. It's since been corrected, but my apologies. A lot of you reached out. We're very concerned that we'd been hijacked or hacked or jacked or hacked, you know? But we're fine.

Everything's good. We're back. It's a it's a it's an exciting week here in Hollywood. I've been running around I opened for Louis CK this past week I don't know if I talked to you about that last week Jesus Christ his new hour is so fucking funny I wish I could quote from it but I don't want to I don't want to spoil his hour when you go see it but that was great St. Patrick's Day show I'm sure we talked about that did we I'm sure we did I'm a little lost on where we are at this point in the world I've been on the road too much I'm going on the road again this week I'm going to fucking

Canada but I don't know if they're anti-america right now I don't know who's gonna show up Hamilton Ontario March Ontario, March 26th, Toronto at the Comedy Bar, March 27th, and then Pittsburgh this weekend. But anyway, I don't know. I got nothing against you Canadians. I fucking love you guys. I'm sorry that our dictator, I'm sorry,

president is a little out of control right now. We don't wanna take you on as another state. Actually we'd like to give you a couple of states. Might I suggest Mississippi? Would you like a little Mississippi? I know it's very far from you but we kind of like our northern states. That's how we feel about you. North Dakota, good people. Minnesota, love them. Maine, some of the best people. We can't spare them. But Louisiana's all yours. Can I say Texas or am I losing a lot of audience? I don't know who listens to this show but let's just say we don't want Canada. We enjoy you, but we can't afford you. Anyway, am I helping

or hurting myself? I also did a show, this was so funny, I did a show two nights ago at the Laugh Factory. Packed out house, crowd was hot, I had a really fun set and then I get off stage and Paula Abdul walks by and I'm standing backstage and she looks at me and she gives me a big smile and she goes she goes that was amazing and I was like thank you and then she went into the shitter I don don't know if she shat. I'm hoping she didn't at a comedy club. That would be vulgar. Who goes to a comedy club and takes a shit? So I don't think she did. But anyway, I didn't say anything about the fact that we had once spent an entire day together and I'm sure it was literally 20... I would say it was 30 years ago. I was about 28 years old.

I was a sparkling young comic, handsome, good, good head of hair, white teeth, cocky. And I was hired to do this private event. It was at FAO Schwartz. They emptied out one of the floors of FAO Schwartz. They were launching this new line of watches. Do you remember swatches? If you're a little older, you'll remember there was a very simple watch called a swatch. They got hot for about five years. Anyway, they were launching a new one and they hired me hot for about five years. Anyway, they were launching a new one and they hired me to do a presentation to MC a presentation and Max, this is craziest

lineup, Max Weinberg went up and Paula Abdul went up and me and Paula, it was literally like a six-hour thing and she and I had a lot of downtime and we were flirty. We had a very nice time and she was, I think she's a little bit older than me, but either way, we flirted and I had just met my girlfriend who is now my wife. And it was bad timing. If I had met Paul at another time,

I probably would have flirted more. And I get a phone call from the producer of the event asking me if he can give Paula my number. She asked for my number and I said, I'm flattered, but I'm kind of taken right now. I'm off the market. And thank God I did. I mean, think about it. Who knows if she's crazy? I would imagine she's in show business. She probably wouldn't have lasted. So that was that.

And then cut to 30 years later, she's smiling. And then I go to my Instagram the next day and it said, Paula Abdul is following you. She just started following me and I'm like, what? So I followed her back. I don't know, is that wrong? You tell my wife that me and Paula Abdul are following each other and watch her fucking yawn.

Watch her not give two fucks because it's over between she and I. We had our day. Literally our day. And that's it. But I thought that was kind of funny. I thought that was a funny story. It was a show with a guy named Bassem Yousef,

I think is how you say it. He's an Egyptian comic. And he's huge. He was like, I remember him from the news because during the Arab Spring he was very vocal and he became a big hot shot he was he started I think he was a surgeon then he went into stand-up comedy and he had his own TV show and anyway like I'm watching him on stage I'm like,

wow, I can't believe I've never seen this comic before. And so I look up his name and it's like, yeah, he's got 12 million followers on Twitter. And he was funny, you know, satirists, political satirists, which is dull. Nobody wants to watch that. It's just too limiting. You're just so limited in

what you can talk about and how far you can go with your premises so you don't lose your satirical audience, you know? And as Wikipedia said that he was the John the John Stewart of the Middle East. And I thought, well, that's great. But which John Stewart? Like my friend is like, you know, I like the old John Stewart. And I'm like, what does that mean? Does that mean you like the John Stewart from the 90s,

from MTV days? Or does that mean you like old Jon Stewart? Like the old Jon Stewart or old Jon Stewart? Like you never hear people say that like, I like the old Rolling Stones. Well, you mean the guys that are old? Cause I'll agree, they're still great. But I don't know which ones you mean.

Anyway, I like my old wife. Ah, what do I mean by that? I like my old version of my wife and I also like now that she's old. She's great. My wife gets better with age. Because you just don't sweat it. When you're young, you fight battles because you think there's gonna be progress and then you have to hit a

certain amount of years you just go like oh no this is this is what my wife is and this is what my husband is and you just you just embrace it it's a runs me of it's a wonderful life remember George Bailey as he's running down the stairs of his house and he grabs the the handle at the bottom of the the banister of the stairs and that the handle of the there's like a little thing and it falls off and he gets frustrated this fucking handle at the bottom of my stairs of my new house is broken and at the end of the movie when he's embracing his life as it is and appreciating it it comes off in his hand as it is and appreciating it, it comes off in

his hand and he smiles and he puts it back happily and that's what old marriage is. You go, yeah the handle's a little loose but I know that. I'm not trying to fix that handle anymore. My guest today is a woman that I've gotten to know just really over the last, I don't know, five or six years. It turns out she's been a fan of the podcast, the Sunday Papers, and she listens every week, which I'm flattered by because she's a very smart, accomplished, funny woman. We'll get into her in a moment. But her book, she wrote a book called How to Write a Funny Speech, and I was thinking about speeches that I've written that have been funny over the years. I'm very good at speeches, like even better than I am at stand-up comedy, I think, because I'm not intimidated.

I'm not scared of a new weird situation. It kind of brings out the best in me. And I remember I was like, I was like, maybe 10, 10 years old, maybe 11. And I already loved comedy. I loved comic books. I loved I loved old like Bill Cosby. This is pre this is the I like the old Bill Cosby huh which one am I talking about I like the pre the pre-pervy Bill Cosby anyway so there was a there was an award show I was on the swim team and I was a horrible swimmer I just didn't float and I came in last place but it was one of those things where everybody gets a trophy. So like, they're calling out everybody's name,

and they go up, and they get their trophy, and they shake Mr. D, Mr. D was the swim coach, and he'd shake your hand, and all the parents would clap, and then you'd sit down at your table again and finish your chicken. So they call me up for like last place in breaststroke because breaststroke is the closest stroke to drowning and so that's what I basically did just slapped at the water and kicked like in a frightened way and so I get the trophy and I take the mic out of

Mr. D's hand and I start thanking everybody. I was I remember I thanked Jimmy Carter so yeah I must have been 10. Jimmy Carter was elected when I was 10. I thanked Jimmy Carter and then I put a peanut in my nose and then I started thanking everybody that made this possible. I did like a very funny long stupid speech for 10 year old and I fucking crushed and I was off and that was like my first time doing stand-up and I've always like friends birthday parties I always jump up you know I'll make a few notes I'll prepare I don't over prepare but I have some thoughts and I got up at my friend Mary's 50th 50th birthday and her whole family was there

and about 50 friends at a restaurant and I got up and I told a story about how I was out to lunch with her in New York and we came home one day and we was it was middle afternoon it's like three o'clock in the afternoon and we walked into her apartment and her boyfriend was on the couch, passed out drunk, he was a day drunk, and he used to bartend at an airport, and he was day drunk, and he was passed out on the couch with his pants around his ankles and tissues on his stomach. I can't.

I can't. I can't. And I said, and my friend Mary started hitting him and screaming, you don't fuck me. And then you jerk off in the middle. So I'm telling this crazy, oh, he's crazy, sir. I tell stories to embarrass people, but it kind of works until it doesn't.

There's times it doesn't work and those are pretty painful. But you got to put like, God, I was in Ireland one summer with my family and we have all these Irish cousins and we get together for this for this dinner at their at the like this uncle Tim Harrington's house. Is that his name? I forget but we were having lunch and dinner and it's a whole bunch of us. And then my mother goes, oh, Greg's a comedian. Greg, why don't you tell some jokes? And everybody's like, yeah, yeah. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, no, it doesn't really work like this. This was a lot of years ago. And I was like, no, it does it does not work like

this at all. Like, no, no, no, every guy come on. So I stand up and I start doing stand-up comedy and bombing. Meanwhile, you're in Ireland where everybody's funny. Like all my relatives are innately funnier than I'll ever be as a trained stand-up comic. And the rest of the night I just sat in the corner alone like, Mom, you fucked me on this one. When else did I bomb? Oh, when I bombed once, I gave a toast. Well, it wasn't a toast.

I was hired at a wedding once. It wasn't a friend. It was like, it was this Jewish couple and the husband was like 78 and the wife was like 35. like 78 and the wife was like 35 and so I got hired by the groom's daughter the groom's daughter hires me to do stand-up comedy at the Waldorf Astoria it's the nicest hotel in New York and they've got this gigantic ballroom and it's like you know tablecloths and chandeliers and like bouquets of roses on every table it's like expensive and tablecloths yeah that's how white trash I am like yeah

tablecloths are a big deal so everybody sitting there and they're having drinks they sit down and then they bring me up and they and the and the daughter says to me now Everybody thinks it's really funny that like he's older than her and he's in on the joke And you know just so tease him for being older than her. I said, okay, no problem. I got it and This was like a week before so I wrote a bunch of jokes about an older husband and a younger wife And I go up and I'm talking about how you know He's marrying her so that she'll empty his bedpan and, you know, it's talking about getting the

inheritance and nobody is laughing, especially not the bride and groom. But you know who is laughing? The daughter. You know, the one who's not getting the inheritance because of this this this young bride and I realized the whole thing was a setup she was paying me five grand to come in and just take a shit on her father and this young bride who's you know half her age so that went poorly and when I and I don know. I think my father's funeral I didn't do well. I was too distraught. It was a surprise death. It was 53. No one expected it. We were not speaking at the time. It was very difficult for me to process. So I wrote a poem

for my dad for his funeral. I wrote it the night before at like three in the morning and then you know the mass was in the morning and I read it and I look back on that poem now and I think that's that's bad poetry. It was really heavy-handed symbolism. It was bad and I cringe when I think about that. I should have just said a few words but I don't know what to say. Because I think a lot of his friends knew I stopped talking to him for a little while. And anyway, that's a whole other podcast. You guys have been down this with me before.

Gibbs gave a great speech at my wedding. He got up and we had 200 people at the wedding and Gib stands up and he goes and there was a lot of funny comedians there it was like David Tell was there and I think Kevin Brennan and the old Kevin Brennan and by that I mean when he was younger who else is I think Lou was there. I think Eddie Brill was there. Tom Cotter, Al Deschamps. Anyway, he gets up in front of a bunch of funny people and the first thing he says is, I met Greg in college and like all of you I couldn't stand him when I first met him. That was the premise. And he just teed

off on what a cocky obnoxious young drunk I was and he killed he killed that was nice anyway let's get into it what are we doing this is a long intro it's too long am I even recording this 18 minutes Jesus Christ all right as I said Hamilton Ontario Wednesday night Toronto Thursday night Pittsburgh the 28th and 28th through 30th of March, Boston, Laugh Boston, April 4th and 5th, let's sell it out, Huntington, California, May 4th, Escondido, May 9th and 10th. Then I'm coming to Dayton, Kentucky,

which I think is near Cincinnati, in May, also Tampa, in June, Torrance, is near Cincinnati in May. Also Tampa in June. Torrance, Austin, La Jolla. Also we got some merch. We got the new Sunday papers, mugs, t-shirts, hats, all at FitzDog.com. Get some of that stuff. And now my guest. She's amazing. She has won Emmys and Golden Globe. She writes for Hacks right now. She writes for Curb Your Enthusiasm right now. She wrote for Seinfeld. She is the character that Elaine from Seinfeld is based on. She did Letterman 25 times. She's done it all and she's just such a sweetheart and such a, just I have so much respect for her.

So please welcome my talk I had last week with Carol Leifer. ["The Little Mermaid"] Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Did you ever do the Meisner technique in acting where you're supposed to repeat each other? No. It's all about listening and paying attention. So when I say hello, you say hello back, but you're reflecting how I said it to you, not mimicking it, reacting naturally to my energy. So if I said, hello.

I'd say, hello. Yeah. Yeah. I'm showing you five minutes ago. Why are you saying hello again? Yeah, we just, yeah. Brando did it, De Niro. Yeah, they all went to the neighborhood playhouse.

It was a Sanford Meisner school. Yeah. So and you're a New Yorker. So it's nothing in here. And it's like, did I finish this? There's nothing in here. Can we get a bottle of water?

Miss Leifer? Oh, there you go. Oh, yeah. OK. Wait you went, did you go to college in New York? Yeah I went to SUNY Binghamton. Oh my nephew just graduated from there. It's the Harvard of the SUNY schools. It is. I don't even think I could get in now. Yeah. And then you know I transferred to Queen's College for my senior year because that's when I chose to become a comedian and stay in the. Didn't Seinfeld go to Queens College also?

Yeah, he graduated from Queens. And my old friend Jerry Red Wilson, I don't know if you ever heard of that guy, he went to Queens College. Jerry Red Wilson. He had a sitcom for a little bit, but the reason I bring him up is that it ties directly into your book, How to Write a Funny Speech, for a wedding bar mitzvah graduation and every

other event you didn't want to go to in the first place. I read it, I loved it. Thank you. I mean, look, I do this for a living, and I still glean some stuff in there about how to be concise, know where you are, know what time it is, know, well, you also say, don't say,

here's, all right, can I start with my problem with the book? Yeah, well, all right. You list things that you shouldn't say, and it's very funny. You have a couple of pages of jokes, of bad ideas, and what to say. I would do every one of those. Well, of course, because you're a professional comedian.

You know how to work a crowd. What I say to people is every comedian is a speech giver. Every night when you do a set, it is essentially a sort of speech. So you know what you're doing. But this book was written really because I've gone to so many events as my writing partner has, Rick Mitchell,

Emmy-winning Rick Mitchell, comedian as well, and people, it's painful, the speeches that they give. And you know, we felt like this is short, handy, it's 15 something on Amazon right now, come on, that's two lattes maybe. And you'll laugh. You'll learn and laugh. Right. And we soup to nuts, beginning, middle, end.

Jokes to use. Should you need a joke from two professional comedy writers? Take them. We have templates for lazy people. If you're really afraid of giving a speech, we give you like a Mad Libs. Just fill in the blank here, here, here, here. I would suggest to people, if you're getting married

and you're worried about your best man or you're made of honor, buy this book and send it to them. Maybe even fill out the template for them. That's a really good idea. I'll take this book a step further and I want to work on this with you as the next project and I'm not kidding. I already had this idea before the book, but I think it's a good extension of the book.

We set up when I die, I want things done a certain way. I know I want Van Morrison into the mystic plane. I know that I want there's a series of wedding photos of me and my wife that I want laid out in order throughout the wedding. Okay. I got a guest list. I got people I don't want showing up. Not only do I know who I want to speak at the funeral, I know which stories I want them to tell. Ah, perfect. And I bet you have an order of the people

that you want them to speak. My givens closes. That's right, that's easy. So I think it's a website. I think you pay like a dollar or two a month to maintain your, it would be all this information. You would upload your photos. You would upload your music.

You would upload your guest list. And you would have the stories written out. And then you could even have comedians come in and punch it up if you're not funny. That is a very good idea. Right? Yes, I have to leave now to go put it together. You know, I wish you'd committed.

I like when a comedian goes all the way out the door. Yeah. It really showed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't want people to see my galoshes. Oh, right. Did you expect more rain today? I did, I did.

Oh my God. I overprepared. I was thinking when you got here, I have gratitude for this podcast. Because if I didn't have this podcast, I never would have met you. That's true. Yes. I think you reached out to me the first time we made contact. Did I really? I wouldn't be surprised. And then we marched the picket line together. Yes. We went to lunch.

We went to John O'Groats together. What a place. Oh. Yeah. The homemade biscuits. Oh my God. We gotta go again. Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah, and put this website together. Okay. Yeah. It's a date. So anyway, I'm grateful that you're here. Thank you. Yeah. So the book is also something that you're going to

make money from and this is going to charity? Of course. Every penny will be going to the Carol Leifer Fund. Take the D off the fund. Yeah. Look, I got a kid who's going to college. Yeah. I know. Is he a senior this year? He's a senior. Wow. Yeah, yeah. So it's all happening. Yeah, that's an interesting time. And then you're looking at empty nest for...

Yeah. How long were you and your wife living together before you had your son? I would say probably 2002 we started living together. Yeah. So about three years and then you became parents and now you're gonna be alone in the house. Yes but getting married was a good idea because the best thing about it was that now I get to call her the wife. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the old wife. And then I didn't even realize straight guys,

they have the perfect excuse all the time for getting out of anything. It was like, hey, you wanna go to Vegas? I can't, the wife. The wife, right, right. So I got into that club. So you're both playing that card. It's a double win.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I haven't been privy to her saying it, but I bet she does. But then I also share with straight males the feeling of 8 o'clock on a Saturday night already very late for an engagement with friends or a show. Pacing by the door, saying very loudly, Come on, let's go. You know, it's like, what's happening in there? Does she have another face that she bought?

Right. It is amazing. And it's like, it's the people that are late are consistently late. I get, I'm late sometimes because something happened. But when you get a friend that is always 15 minutes late, you go, why are you not making this adjustment after 50 years of life? I know. But I will say, a lot of women, namely my wife, runs very late.

But what about for work? For work... Does she show up late to her job? No, she is not working right now. She's on a lot of boards and that sort of thing does important work that way. But yeah, she's pretty prompt. I'm much prompter. Yes, you strike me as a very prompt person.

You're a pro. You're the kind of person that I feel like, well, you talk about how you dated Jerry Seinfeld. Obviously you were the inspiration for Elaine, but that you watched his work ethic and you learned early on that being a comedian is not just because you're funny, it's because you're doing the writing.

It's the work. Right. Yeah, I mean, I remember coming up, in the old days when we were coming up in clubs. What year was this? It's like 77, 78, 79. Wow. Cause he was the emcee who put me through the audition night.

Catch a Rising Star? Comic strip. Comic strip. Comic strip. Yeah. And you know, you know the life of comedians. We'd fuck around all day. Yeah. First of all, we'd go to sleep at like 3.

You'd get up at noon. Then you'd fuck around. And Jerry would always be, at some point, going, all right, I need to head back to my apartment. Why? I need to write. And he would write at least an hour every day. going, all right, I need to head back to my apartment. Why? I need to write. Yeah. Really?

And he would write at least an hour every day with the yellow pad, the big pen. And you know, never once didn't do it. Yeah. I remember him saying once, you know a comedian's never going to amount to anything when they go on the road with golf clubs. I don't fully agree with that, but I respect the work. So did you try to do it that way? Did you get the yellow pads

and try to sort of do it exactly the same as them? No, I was a very typical comic that way. But my writing style, and I'm interested to hear about yours, is more something will come to me and I'll write it down in the moment. I don't really make a concerted effort to do it, or I'll get an idea about something, then I'll sit down and start to do it. But he really just, it's the blank page, and he really starts from nothing, and he comes up with something.

Well, you say something in the book that I'd heard before and I swear by, which is tell yourself you're gonna do it for 15 minutes. Right. And you will write longer, but if you don't, that's fine. Yeah. You always write longer. Yeah, and if you tell somebody to do something

for 15 minutes, it doesn't sound horrible. Yeah. It's like, okay, and especially because people do not want to write a speech, just dread it, dread it. And if you say, all right, I'm going to give you 15 minutes, there's not really anybody who starts doing that and then says, you know, after 15 minutes, all right, that's it. A lot of times it's like you have your speech done in 15 minutes. Because it's really not that hard to fit in.

Also I think writing is a lot of germinating. I do think that we, like you said, your kid writing a term paper. And they're putting it off and they're putting it off. Guess what? They're doing it in their head. But you need that time where you're subconsciously getting the ideas together and then that's why it comes out so fast in the 11th hour. But my writing process is my notepad in my phone.

I'll just like, if I have an idea during the day, I'll tell you what my most recent ideas are for jokes. I'll just write down like a sentence. Okay. And then I will try to sit down and write a few beats. Then I take it very raw on stage. Oh, not that worked out. Record it, no riff on it, record it. Yeah.

Then I listen to that because I just know that if my adrenaline's not up, my creativity is not at its peak. And I need to be at the kitchen table like I was when I was 12, trying to make my parents laugh and feeling the pressure to make them laugh. And I put myself back in that situation and it all just comes. Married for 25 years, people ask what's the secret?

As if like, we won't tell it like we don't want to share because we're competitive or something yeah and these people that write books about it are traitors yeah yeah right like oh no that's privileged information it's like the Manhattan Project no nobody can know. Yeah. I don't know about the bomb analogy, but otherwise that works. I need to track down the guy that hacked my computer so I can find out what my passwords are. I like that.

That's cute, right? Yeah. I'm trying to think though, is it better if I say it about my mother? Like my mother got hacked. Yeah. I want to find the hacker so she can finally know what her passwords are. Because older people are worse with passwords. I don't know.

I think it's better with you because everybody doesn't know their passwords. Right. And has trouble with it. Right. So, yeah, I would say that. Okay. I have a joke. I could ask your opinion. Yes, please. Okay. I do a lot about plastic surgery and how much I hate it, hate looking at it. And the joke is, you know, I saw a woman walking around Beverly Hills, and I wanted to ask her, did you go to a board certified surgeon or a puppet maker?

So, what do you like? I like it, I like it. Or a marionette maker? No, I like the puppet maker because then you can do a little tag about Geppetto. I don't know what the line is but something about is it Dr. Geppetto? Yeah she's walking and I'm looking for the strings. I wish she walking without the strings. That's great. Yeah. I'm taking that. That's funny. Alright I like that. Puppet more than marionette. I'm taking that.

That's funny. All right. I like that. Puppet more than marionette. I gave her a glass of water just to see if she could drink it and talk at the same time. Now speaking of which, you look amazing, which I said she'd be for the show. Have you ever had any work done? Botox, filler?

No. I just- Are you serious? Yeah. Keep it natural. Yeah. Thank you very much. That's pretty amazing. Well... I mean not that you're that old, but you are older than me. And I look like I was in a microwave. No you don't Greg. Look at my neck. No, no. Your voice just went three octaves higher. No, no.

No. You look great. Thank you. Here's how I look at it. I've seen so many people, especially here in LA, with work as opposed to sticking with gravity. And gravity is okay. It's okay.

It's just people are afraid of it and then they start doing I know a woman who's 25 who got a brow lift. Oh yeah yeah yeah. And I was like why? And she's like I look tired. Hmm. It's like take a nap bitch. Yeah. You look tired now you look surprised. You look tired, now you look surprised. Yeah, I mean, I talk to a lot of young women now that have gotten Botox and things because they want, I mean, have you seen the before after picture on, who's the one that's dating Timothy Chalamet now? Oh, Kylie Jenner. Kylie Jenner.

Yes. Have you seen the before-after picture on Kylie Jenner? Well, you mean from way back? Because she had her first... From when she was like 18, pre-work. Yes. She looks like a different person. It's a completely different...

And you know what? There was nothing wrong with her before. I know. I know. Yeah, no, those Kardashians. And you know what, there was nothing wrong with her before. I know. I know. Yeah, no, those Kardashians, it's a full-time person at the house. Yes. Yeah.

Just whoever, which sister's next? Come on, gotta go, gotta move. Yeah, I mean, look, if I could have gone back in time and my hair, which is starting to thin out, if I had caught it when it first started, they have hair plugs now that are a... Look at every rock star that's on tour from the 60s. These guys all have full heads of hair and they look amazing. And I did spend a lot and I wish I could go back and either go to enough therapy

where I could accept myself no matter what I look like or get some goddamn plugs. I see I don't know the plugs I think a lot of people a lot of women appreciate when guys are bald yeah you know losing their and they just go with it it's like a confidence thing yeah that's true because you know that's are bald or losing their hair, and they just go with it. It's like a confidence thing. Yeah, that's true. Because that's another thing that can go really bad. Especially years ago with the bad hair plugs,

Joy Behar and I used to call it Doll's Head Revisited. Because it's just Rose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god? Yeah. Is it in? Because it's just rose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah, I know Joe Rogan got him and then he shaved his head and now he's got a line across the back of his head because you know, they take the follicles

out of a line underneath the hair that will always be there. But he shaved that. So now he's got this scar across the back of his head. Oh. And he shaves his head so he doesn't even. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

With men, to me, it's not about the hair. What's it about? It's about the face. Yeah. It's about the eyes. The eyes are important. You know what's hard is eye contact for some people and for some people it's they're looking down. For me, my family were known for maniacal eye contact. Yeah, and people get a little bit off put by how hard we look into people's eyes. And that was part of the family.

My brother has it, my mother has it, my brother has it a lot. Wow. Yeah. Where it's creepy or see I think eye contact is good and younger people don't know how to do it anymore. Right. Yeah.

My daughter has it. Oh that's good. I've talked to her about it, she's like, dad, how do you know when to look away? I really don't know. I consciously look away sometimes so that it's not too intense, but my inclination is to just stay laser beamed into the eyes. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, eye contact is a good thing. Yeah. Yeah, eye contact is a good thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny though about when you're talking about your family. I just heard Amy Poehler on a podcast and she was a very interesting observation. She said like, when you're growing up, your family is kind of like its own country with its own rules and then you leave your family to go out into the world and you see other things going, oh, oh, that's not how we did things. You know, that kind of stuff. It's interesting.

Right, yeah, it is definitely something you pick up, obviously. I mean, literally, your first human interaction is when you're breastfeeding and your mother is looking in your eyes as you breastfeed. Right. And then as you get older, how you get socialized, how much they look, how much they look away.

I mean, definitely social media. If you grow up watching a parent on their phone, you are going to get on your phone a lot. Right, right. And the other thing that I don't, my son is a senior, I don't think his generation understands is like, if I have a conflict with someone and it's gotten to texting and you know,

it's not looking good, I make sure that I get together with them. Right. To work it out. Right. Because you can't from here. It's like you get together with someone, it changes the whole dynamic. And especially if you come in with an attitude like I really Want to work this out because we're not in a good place. That's

It's you know, younger people are afraid of Like talking on the phone. Yeah to somebody right which you know, I love I don't like catching up by text It's like let's take 10 minutes and talk. Yeah, I have phone friends catching up by text. It's like, let's take 10 minutes and talk to the phone. I have phone friends and I have text friends. Yeah. My friend, Matt Malloy, I will call. Oh, the actor, right? Yeah.

Yeah, he's good. He's bald. And he made a very good living as a bald actor. He and I have very, and Paul, who owns the joint, he knows Matt very well. He's the kind of guy, when he answers the phone or I answer the phone, since we're both 100% Irish, here's how we, I'll do it. I'm going to do it for you. Okay. So you can see how we answer the phone every time. Hopefully this gets

picked up by the... Hello! Hello! Now you'll hear it. This is the Irish phone answer. And he always answers my calls. Really? I'm saying that now, so. All right, so I'll just have to tell you. So when he answers the phone, we go, and then he says it back. And we will go back and forth for sometimes five minutes. Really? And everybody in our house just walks

in the other room. That is hilarious. And then he got this dog who freaks out because it's a high pitch and the dog starts barking and going crazy so he can't do it when his dog is around. Oh that is so funny. See I'll have to do that now with my Jewish friends you know say on the phone Chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chabda chab blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. I'm gonna do that. Do you feel a kinship with Jewish people more than you do with, like, because I do with Irish people. Yeah, oh absolutely. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I mean, it's reverse racism. It's a race that I just like more. Yes, yeah. No, you definitely feel a kinship. There'll be certain things that you experienced growing up in a Jewish household. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. What would you say is the best thing to be culled from growing up in a Jewish household? Using coupons whenever necessary. Yeah, I think because Jews, you know, we come from a long line of comedians, comedy, you know, in the old days it was pretty much most of the tribe were comedians. You mean starting in the US or before that? I think in the US. Yeah. Yeah. Cliff Nesterov has a great book

about how Jews started comedy. Yeah. He's selling CNN a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I would think that. But also, you know, if I'm with someone Jewish, it's not unusual. I don't feel as awkward saying, waiter, you know, I have found, I did ask for tomatoes, and I see, that good stuff. Will you not do that in front of a goy, but do it in front of a fellow Jew? I have to feel it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. Yeah, but, um. But if you're with Larry David, there's going to be a lot of sending back, there's going to be a lot of customizing the order. Yeah, and that's all fine. Right. Yeah.

I mean, ask a Jewish person, how are you? Here's something you'll never hear, can't complain. It's like that old joke about the waiter comes over to four Jewish women and he says, is anything all right? Yes. Yes. But here, what I, and I'm married to Jews, so what I love about the Jewish culture is there's a raw honesty to it. There's dialogue that I feel like there's not the feeling, like I'm Catholic and I think there's sort of like an impetus to conform to what's already been said, to fit in, to be a part of its tribal, to fit in with the tribe.

And I feel like with Jews, it's a dialectic and it's challenging and do you agree with that? Yeah, like give me an example of what you're. Like, I mean, on a base level, like what restaurant should we go to? And an Irish person will go, well, let's go to Murphy's Pub. And everybody go, yay, great, we go to Murphy's Pub. And the Jews will go, you know, I don't,

the pasta there is dry. What do you think about? And there's a lot of debating. But I think on a higher level, I think that I've talked to my wife's father was a communist and we would talk deep into, I mean he was a guy who nobody agreed with and he represented this far left. This is Julius Rosenberg, is this?

No, Joel Covell. He was very famous. He published a lot of books. He had a chair at Bard College. He taught socialism at Bard College. Really intelligent guy. I had these amazing talks with him because it's so refreshing to talk to somebody who's impervious to being judged about their belief system. Yeah, yeah. It's very powerful. Uh-huh. Yeah, you know, now that you are talking about it, that I think about another thing about being Jewish, is also like in my family and I think in the culture, you know, like my mother would always say,

you don't ask, you don't get. You know, so it's also about asserting yourself, you know, but you know, I've talked about this before, you have to be careful with asserting yourself. You know, the squeaky wheel gets grease, but you know, you don't want to be a pain in the ass. It's like making the balance. But advocating for yourself seems to me to be a good Jewish attribute.

Yeah, I think it shows confidence. I think as a father of a daughter, that's something we really try to instill is like, I'm not- Did you raise your kids Jewish or Catholic? No, kind of, actually, my daughter sort of like fell under the spell of Catholicism through my mother a little bit.

Not that she like practices it, but she's kind of like taken by all the mysticism. Like, you know, we took her to Cathedral St. John the Divine in New York, and they have this whole thing about the ascension and Jesus ascending, and the whole thing about the transfiguration of the wine into blood. You know, for little kids that really kind of captures your imagination. Yeah, it's very, very powder. So every time we go to church, my mom would take her to church all the time, and she would sit and she would, she was about nine years old, and she sat there.

We walked in and she lit a candle, she got on her knees, and she sat there for ten minutes like this, head down, praying. And she got up and I go, what were you praying for? And she said, your father, who she never met. She never met my father. Wow. I was like, wow. Yeah. That's intense, really in good way. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. But getting back to it, like I just wanted to raise her to feel that she could assert herself. Yeah. Yeah. In relationships, right, you know, advocate for herself in school, you know. So yeah, she's gonna play. I'm doing a St. Patrick's Day show at the improv and she's gonna write. I've done it every year for like 15 years. Oh wow. And we're gonna start the show off with me, my friend, and her playing some Irish songs

together. Oh nice. And she's gonna play guitar and then she's really good at the flute. Wow. California dreaming. Ah cool, I used to play the flute. Did you? Yes, when I dated men. Was it phallic? Is that what you're saying? No, I played flute in my grade school band and then my high school band. I was first flute. Really? Damn. All county band. That's amazing. I admire other flutists. When's the last time you picked it up? Oh God, a long time ago. Still have it? No. No. But it was a Gammine heart. I don't know if they still make flutes. Gammine heart. Well. And did you ever play like in a folk band or a rock band with it? No. Just school. Yeah. Marching?

No, I don't know how. I'm still, I love marching bands, because I'm stupefied that like, you can play and march like good, where you stay in step at the same time. That blows me away. Right, right. But I'm also blown away that, you know,

ice hockey players can skate backwards. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah. No, ice hockey is kind of mine. As somebody who's grown up, I still play ice hockey. Oh. The coordination of moving on your feet in a different way than you've been raised to do.

Yes. Having a stick that you have to be looking at the puck and out of the corner of your eye, you're looking out for a 180 pound guy who's gonna level you. Right. And looking for the ice right? Looking at the ice you're looking for the other players to pass to. You have to you know eye-hand coordination you have to stand in front of the net and when a 90 mile an hour puck comes you have to be able to tip it to move directions. It's really I think it's the most involved sport. Yeah yeah it's amazing when you watch it. Yeah what was your sport growing up? Field hockey. Nice. Yeah

and then I was surprised that I became a lesbian. Did you ever own a Subaru? Not yet. Not yet? No. All, so you're not there yet. You're still slowly coming out of the closet after 20 years. But I did love the field hockey. That was a fun game too. Oh, it was great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My sister played that. We used to go watch her play. But not in college. No. SUNY Binghamton did not have a, I don't think they had at the time any sports teams, I don't know. Well you can't go outside during the school year in Binghamton. Alright, I want to ask you about, you're working on Hacks now, like over the years you had

a lot of nominations for Emmys from multiple shows, never won one. So all the industry used to talk about is when's Leifer gonna get the gold? It was the talk of the industry. Yes, Variety Magazine would comment on it. And then now you're working on hacks and you won an Emmy. I won an Emmy. And a Golden Globe. Yes.

I mean, what a morality tale, right? Just keep working. Yes, after 40 years of writing. Unbelievable. You finally won an Emmy. And a couple of people have been like, really, was it that important to you? Yes. It was very, very important to me. Yeah. And then the Golden Globe, I didn't realize when Hacks won the Golden Globe, like, the writer producers get one too. So it's coming tomorrow to the house. They deliver it to your house.

Nice. Wow. That's got to feel good. Really. And had you gone to the award ceremonies for all the times you were nominated? Yeah, I'll always go. You nominate me? Yep. Get the dress, get the hair and makeup, put me in a limo and I'm there. And what was the mood like after you wouldn't win? Would it get to you? It kind of bugged me during Seinfeld because we always lost to Frazier. Frazier always won. That's right. Frazier always won. So that was disappointing. I feel like Frasier was an actor's show

and Seinfeld was a writer's show. Yeah, yeah, I felt that too, of course. But no, we didn't win. But this year what was funny was Hacks was nominated and I was offered to write for the show. Yeah, and I Was thinking you know what the bear was supposed to win as a comedy. Yeah, I know but they had really kind of Won a string of awards up to them So it's like you know what I'll take the gig writing the Emmys because I don't want to sit there and lose

I'll take the gig writing the Emmys because I don't want to sit there and lose And I wrote on it was fun And then right before the award the stage manager comes over to you in the you know backstage and says You know you need to come with me because if you win the Emmy you're gonna walk out from this side And so to the audience it was like okay, so it's like you know And then they said hacks, and I was blown away, I just got to walk out. That's so cool. So the only bummer was I was wearing, you know, my sneakers backstage,

and it wasn't really all that glammed up, but. Who gave the acceptance speech? One of the three showrunners, I think it might have been Paul Downs. Yeah, Paul Downs. Wow. So, is that show, do they improvise the lines at all? That seems like it's pretty tightly scripted. Well, the interesting thing about Hacks is the writers, it's written all on Zoom, and then once the shows and the scripts are done, the showrunners go off and shoot it.

So I haven't been there when they shot it. No kidding. Yeah. Have you met the actors? Yeah, I've met the actors. Hannah Fessbinder, is that her name? No, Hannah, Einbinder. Einbinder.

Yes, Lorraine Newman's daughter. Right, right, right. She's fantastic. Yeah, no, Ibinder. Ironbinder. Yes, Lorraine Newman's daughter. Right, right, right. She's fantastic. Yeah, no, I've met them and seen them at many Hacks social events, but we're not there. The Neverin production. Yeah, which is crazy, because when I worked on Curb Your Enthusiasm, it was the opposite. Just when you start shooting, they would bring me in to be on set wherever we were. Right, right. Wow. Yeah.

That's fun. Yeah, I feel like Curb is a show that, I mean, there's not like a room like there was with Seinfeld with a process, right? It's just more like, like I've even heard that writers send in just log lines, like a series of log lines, and then Larry will look at those and maybe pick one. Maybe some people pitch that way, but going back to what we were talking about earlier, Greg, when I would want to pitch to Curb, I would reach out to Larry and say, can I come into the office and pitch? Because as you know, pitching to someone is much better than something written on the page and you can kind of elaborate on it or get a feeling.

You can see what they're reacting to and embellish on that, right? But I knew, the first time I pitched my stories to Larry, I was nervous, of course, as anyone would be. But I knew this first time I pitched my stories to Larry, I was nervous, of course, as anyone would be. Yeah. But I knew this first one he would like, which he did, which was, and you'll totally relate to this, you know, as a comedian, don't you hate when you're with regular people and you

tell a joke or say something funny and one of them goes, ba-dum-bum. Oh, yeah. You know, you want to show them. Yeah. And he loved that. He was like, oh, yeah, yeah. So we used it in the show, but that relaxed me because it was like I had a good, strong feeling

he was going to take to that. Did you guys start out in the 70s together? Larry was before me, but he was the MC at Catch a Rising Star when I went on my open mic night, and he put me through. Why would he be an MC? He's the least warm human being in the world. I never thought about that. That's so true.

I mean, was he a good MC? Yeah, yeah. You know why it was good for him, Greg? Because you know Larry, what people don't know about Larry David the comedian is that if you went on after him at the improv, if his spot was 820 and yours was 840, normally a comedian would get there, make sure, be there 835. You had to be there at 820 because you never knew when it was going to walk off. That's what I heard. Right, right.

If somebody didn't laugh, he'd be like, all right, none of you are left, forget it, and he'd just walk off. It was that kind of thing. But I think what was good about him emceeing was he could do a couple of bits. And then pick and roll. Right. Right. So he didn't have the pressure of, I think, you know, a 20-minute set.

It's so funny how, you know, people can start out and stand up and gravitate to different, like obviously you went in the writing direction eventually after a lot of stand-up. I mean the thing is like I was a Letterman fanatic as a kid. I started watching when I was like 10 years old and I saw, I don't know how many times you did Letterman, but I... 25. I saw you at least a dozen times I mean it was like you were it was like Bill Hicks a little bit I guess a little after that he was probably like 90 late 80s early 90s but did that did that become something that they didn't do a lot of pre-producing with?

Did you kind of say, I have a set and then just come on? What was amazing about Letterman was he recommended me to the Tonight Show after the New York Lap Off, you know, that contest. It was on Showtime. And I got a call from Jim McCauley who is the Talent Booker on the Tonight Show. He said oh David Letterman saw you and recommended you and I sent a tape to the Tonight Show and they passed and then when Letterman got a show he put me on. I was on within two months of the show. Really? But literally after that Greg

he was like you have an open door here. Whenever you have a set ready, come on. Unbelievable. I never had a... You never vetted it. I only had to do it. Whenever I did the Letterman show, I would be in my dressing room and the sensor would come in

and you'd have to do it, you know, of course, running your set to the person who's just sitting there like... Oh, just as you're getting ready to go out. Yeah, and like, okay, that brand name, you can't do that. You're good to go. You know, that was it. But anytime I wanted, I'd just call them and set a date. So he was so instrumental and kind in developing my stand-up career. Wow, that's really cool. And did that have an effect on road work for you, or were you not somebody who did a lot

of road work? I did do a lot of road work, and it helped me a lot in getting gigs, but I don't know if I've ever told you this story. Have you talked to your audience about what the comedy condo was? Oh, I mean, not enough. It can't be dealt with enough. Well, to refresh your audience's memory, club owners, not the most on board, above board people in the world, figured out that instead of putting up comedians at a local hotel, I can buy a shitty condo and put the comedians up in that.

Get to write it off, blah, blah, blah. So I started doing- And the housekeeper was the waitress. Yeah, or if that. It was never a pro. Right, right. It was a stye. So I got to a point where I'm like,

I don't know if I can do this comedy condo thing anymore. It's just disgusting. So I did a gig with Sue Kalinsky at this comedy club, I think it was in Phoenix. And we knew we were going to comedy condo, but we were together, so at least I had a buddy with me. And we get to the condo, and the guy's there already. And he's like, hey, and he's like,

there's a pool out here if you guys, okay, great. We hung out, and then it was like seven o'clock, and we got ready to go over to the show. So Sue and I are at the door, and we yell up to the guy, hey, we're ready to go to the club now if you want to come with us. And he comes down and he goes, I'm not a comic,

I just live here. These sleazy club owners just gave the room. He was ahead of the Airbnb. Yeah. To one of their friends. Oh, that's Airbnb. Yeah. To one of their friends. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. And that, yeah.

And that trip I forgot to pack my rape whistle. Yes. By the way, you know, my grand, here's another joke is in my notepad that I just started, is my grandfather was an inventor. He sucked. He invented the first rape whistle, but it sounded like this.

Whistle. Did not sell. That's a great joke. You're doing that, right? I just started doing it last week. Yeah. And it's killing. It's killing. Yes.

Because you don't see it coming. Well, I'm nervous about saying the word rape in a joke. Sometimes people just really pull back and you're not going to get a laugh. See, you know that as a professional comedian. When someone is writing a speech, a normal person, this book is chock full of things you need to know. Thanks to know and thanks to not, the best is what not to do.

Hold on, I gotta read a couple of these. Yeah. Well, did we talk about the first thing that people, 101, that most people don't do? Is that when you get up to give a speech, you need to tell the audience who you are to the person being celebrated. Yes. Now, do people get up there and they start talking, and in two or three minutes in, you're like, who, who is this person?

Right. It becomes like an episode of Murder She Wrote.'re like, who, who is this person? It becomes like an episode of Murder, She Wrote. Like who, who, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, here's things not to say at a funeral. Okay. And again, I'd say all of them, but I'm a pro. You are. Okay. I mean, he was in his eighties.

I'm fucking opening with that at my mother's funeral. Everybody would fall down laughing. That's so great. Margaret, I'm sorry for your loss, but since you're single now, her hair and makeup never looked this good when she was alive. All right, who's ready to put the fun in funeral? I mean, literally, I would open with any of those.

You should, right. But any jackass getting up there who's also a few drinks in. Yeah. That's the other advice you give. Do not drink before giving a speech. But the other thing that I, because I get asked to do speeches all the time. Of course. And the number one thing I do, which is in this book is, canvas friends and relatives for stories. Because they've all got one gold nugget of a story.

Yes. And as long as you give them credit, which they'll be happy for, now you got a great piece of material. Exactly. So I remember my friend Dave Hallinan died, and we were poker buddies. We played poker together for 15 years.

And we went on hikes together and whatever, but he wasn't like my best friend. And then his wife asked me the day before to give the speech. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck. So I got stories from his son, from his friends, and Carol, it's the best set I've ever had in my life.

Really? Because when they're at a funeral, they want to laugh so bad. They do. That's another misconception. And we talk about that, putting in funny stories, because it's celebrating the person. You want to enjoy their memory as opposed to being sad and depressed. My cousin died prematurely at 55 of cancer, and I spoke at his memorial. It's also good besides testing your speech out on someone who knows them.

You know, if you have something that you're not sure to say, you can also check, you know, directly with someone. Like my cousin Jay was like the biggest partier. He self-made, he had a yacht, we'd go on these vacations. He's just, I called him the Pied Piper of fun, because he just, whatever, we'd do this and that. And what I wanted to say at his memorial was, he's the person who partied the hardest of anyone I know, and especially of someone who's in recovery, which he was. But I asked his widow, can I say that about being in recovery? She said, oh absolutely.

Yeah, they know that about him. So if you're a little worried about something, you can always ask somebody. Yeah, and the best funeral, well Irish wakes are famous. So Jerry Red Wilson, who's the guy that I told you about, he died very prematurely. He was probably 36. Oh, what happened? Spinal meningitis. Yeah, it was really weird. He got it like that. They thought it was an ear infection. And if it's undiagnosed, it's like within 48 hours, you're in a coma. So anyway, so he dies. And the father asked me we went to the views from Queens, we went to the, he was from Queens, we went to the funeral and we went to this Irish restaurant in Queens and the father says to me,

would you mind getting up and saying a few words? And I said, yeah, but do you mind if I bring up some other, cause there was a bunch of comedians at the funeral. And so I got up and I just did my best, he was a dear friend so I had some really good stories and he was a pied piper as well. He was the fun guy. And those are the deaths that really hurt you know because those those people you really you don't get a lot of those. And you miss them so bad. Yeah right.

Kevin Meaney I miss every day. He was one of my best friends. Oh wow. Yeah. And so I get up and I kill. And then I bring up Greg Geraldo, I bring up David Tell, I bring up Jim Brewer, I bring up Colin Quinn. Wow. And it goes on for an hour and a half and everybody's dying. And the father says to me afterwards, he goes, we need to do this every year. And so we did it at Caroline's a year later.

And we did it as a benefit for spinal meningitis. After two years at Caroline's, we moved it to Town Hall, which is 1,500 seats, and we would get, you know, all the biggest comics would come out and do it. And we did it for 10 years. We raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for meningitis, and his whole family would be there

every year as friends, we'd have a big after party. That's so great. Well, you see, that must have been a great show because you had all professional comedians telling these stories. I mean, a big reason why we wanted to write this book is also to console people. Like, the bar is set very low

for a person who's not in show business to give a speech. No one's expecting you to get up there and Jerry Seinfeld, you know? So that should take a lot of the pressure off to begin with that it's not going to be like that event that you had where one after another it's a laugh riot, you know? And also what you say is you kind kinda can't lose if you're sincere. Yes. If the comedy comes from, you know, like you said, celebrating your friend being fun,

or if it's something that, you know, at the end of the day, it's not a standup set. So if you have moments that are sweet, with no punchline, that only makes the joke that comes next even better. Yes, and we talk about too, the ending of a speech should always be heartfelt. Yes. You know, at the end you want to speak from the heart

about how you felt about this person. And even another 101 thing that we talk about in the book is how awkward is it when someone gives this great speech and they do a toast, which you should do, and then they just wander back to their seat. Like go over to the person that you're celebrating. Yeah, right. Shake their hand, give them a hug, a kiss. It's just weird.

And they just exit, stage left. Go over to the buffet table. Yeah. You know who gave the worst speech I've ever seen was Gary Shanling. Really? It was Kevin Nealon's maybe 60th birthday. Yeah. And Shanling showed up and they were very dear friends.

Yes. And Shanling is one of my all time idols, just one of the funniest, most unique. I've seen it on your show. But he got, he was sitting at a table in the corner and the speeches were later in the party and he wasn't talking to anybody and he's scribbling, he's coming up with stuff and he ends up trying to talk about the driveway coming up to the country club

where the party was and it was very, it had nothing to do with Kevin. It was just like a stand-up set. Wow, I'm very surprised. Yeah, yeah. Because he was so funny and a thoughtful person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, the other thing that people do now that's a big mistake is they go to AI to write

their scripts. Oh, God. Yeah. And that is a big mistake because we did it with the book. We took, a friend of mine asked me to help her write a speech for her daughter's wedding. So I didn't know her daughter at all, but I sat down with the mom and we got some funny stories

and little tidbits about her. And like bullet points about her daughter, we gave it to AI. It was such a nightmare what it came up with. Like facts that are wrong. If somebody told this speech at her wedding, it would have been a disaster. So we also talk about how writing speeches, the personal stories are the gold. Yes. And especially because you're the,

maybe the only one who has that story about this person. So that's what you need to share with the audience because people love that. And AI is never gonna have that because it doesn't have a heart. It doesn't have a heart. A flag. Yeah.

I have a heart. Are you taking that in? Well, I'm thinking have a heart. Drag? Yeah. I have a heart. Are you taking that in? Well, I'm thinking about my heart. I'm thinking about how much stand up is about heart because I have depression. And when I go to a gig, sometimes I get it. It comes down like a heavy blanket on top of me and I can't. And so there's times where I'm sitting in a hotel room in the dark. The show is in two hours,

and I'm going, how am I gonna get myself on stage? Really? And then I go on stage, and because of the nature of the sport, you must be vulnerable. You can't go up there, shut down, or the audience is shut down, and you never can. So every time I go on stage when I'm depressed,

I find some way to just rip myself open. And not that I'm up there talking about my childhood traumas. Doesn't matter what I'm talking about, it still has to feel like I'm present in this moment and I'm connecting to you people. And every time I do that, I walk off stage and the cloud is gone.

It's miraculous. Yes. I have sort of the same thing, a lot of dread sometimes, and I don't know how I'm gonna do this, and this club, and when I'm getting paid, and the whole litany of things. And then you get out there and it's like,

hey, how's everybody doing? And then it, yeah, it does. There's something in our DNA that performing does that. Well, that's why I don't think I could ever stop, because I think it's built into my mental health. I need this burst of dopamine and acceptance and creativity that's being affirmed by laughter, you know. How much stand-up are you doing these days? I've been doing a lot lately. Really? Because I wanted to write... my act was getting a little, I always call it like performing Oklahoma every night.

Yes. I'll start with this, and then there's a bright hole, then hey. So I started to write new stuff, and as you know, when you write new stuff and it starts working, you are re-energized. Yes. And so I've been doing sets at the Comedy and Magic Club

on Saturdays because you know, they do that 10 comics for 10 minutes each. Okay. And you do two shows and it reminds me of the old days in New York when I would do like six sets on a Saturday night. And to go up and do an entirely new 10 minutes and it works.

Yeah. It's just like nirvana. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been doing a lot. That's amazing. Great. Yeah. All right. It's time for Fastballs with Fitz. Okay. Is that a triple take you just gave me? I think I did. Oh my God. What's a project that you regret? Oh, let's see. There have been so many along the way. It's not why I was asking that. I ask everybody this question. Yeah. But I know you and I have both worked for her. So, yeah. Um, it was not the easiest time. You know, I co-created her, uh, sitcom with Mitch Hurwitz. Right, the great Mitch Hurwitz. Yes, it's so funny, incredibly funny, Mitch Hurwitz. I don't regret it though, just because, you know,

Ellen is a very talented person. Yes, she is. Yeah, I mean, mega talented. And I like to be around talented people, however, whatever their makeup is. And we had great writers on the show. So, you know, and the writers room, to me, it's a big reason I went into writing as opposed to taking the standup route. I love being in a, being with other funny people is so my jam.

I love it so much. I'm now with every, the funniest person for every high school, you know? Yes. And that synergy and that combination is just. Well, what's amazing is like, I've been on shows that are tough, that have talent that's difficult.

And a lot of times that's when the writers get the closest because you really have to bond and commiserate. Yes, yes. And sometimes an easy show you kind of go like okay. I want to bring up Johnny Mack is a guy who you write with a lot. John Max. Yes. I just worked with him on the Oscars. Yeah I noticed he was like the only person that you acknowledged in your book. Oh. That was very sweet. Yeah. I wrote on an award show with him one time. Oh yeah?

Yeah, he really stuck with me as just like this guy who's just like a utility infielder. He can do anything. Yeah, and he's great when I had jokes that I wasn't sure, you know, marionette or puppet, that kind of thing. He is very laser focused on jokes and joke writing and what's good and what to maybe throw out. He's a good editor.

Just so people know, like, he's probably the most prolific award show writer in history. He writes for the Emmys, the Oscars, the Grammys, probably the Tonys. I wrote with him on the I Heart Radio Awards. He writes for every awards show. And he's got three going at one time sometimes.

And he worked with Gibby on Adabapa, The Globes. Oh, right, right, The Golden Globes. Yeah, he came in. He's not only a, he has, you know, he's a double threat because he's not only a great writer, he's got, you know, the comedy, but he's an amazing manager. He can juggle an incredible amount of shows all at the same time, and he's really good with people,

and especially the Oscars, all this info is coming at you, and he can just juggle it so professionally. I remember he was writing on that show and two others and then he was getting on a jet for the weekend to help Mariah Carey do a roast in Orlando. He's crazy. Yeah, yeah. He is that utility player. Yeah. All right, there's two types of people in this world. Only two? Yeah. Oh. Um, it's pretty simple. Nice people.

Not nice people. Yeah. What do you think causes that? Um, well, I feel like not nice people, and I see it a lot on the internet, comments and stuff, people who are unhappy with themselves and just take out their anger on other people. It's amazing. Yeah. This world of, call them incel, call them whatever,

but it's mostly angry young white men, of which I'm one, so I don't wanna knock them too much, but they're mad at the world, and they're feeling like they have a voice when they critique things. Exactly, yeah. And when I see some of the things that people write, I mean, I just, I mean, it really, I can never picture myself wanting to hurt someone like that. I don't

know. I'm, you know, I'm not Mother Teresa, but it's like I was raised to like, just be a nice person. I think that would be a really interesting docu-series, maybe even a series, is you track down some of these really vitriolic haters and you just interview them, just find out, what is your life, what caused this? Do you know the effect, like, let them meet, you know, Alec Baldwin and let them have a conversation

with the guy that they just hated on and see how they feel about that. That's a good show. We should do that. Yeah. It's a little like Catfish. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. But yeah, I just always look at those kind of comments and like, I mean, did your mother raise you? Yeah. Right. Is this book out yet? Oh it's out. Okay. And available. But are you not getting any hate mail about this book I'm sure? No, I don't want to say not yet because clickety clack. Yeah right. Clickety clack. Oh and today on Amazon it's 15 bucks. No. Come on. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. See now great. Now we lost my

whole audience because they're all at Amazon now. Thanks. That's good. It's they're watching the podcast and at the same time clickety-clack ordering on Amazon. Click. $15. Great book. Great gift. All right. Final question from Fitz, Fastballs with Fitz. Okay. And then I'll let you go. I hope I Click! $15. Great book, great gift. Alright, final question from Fits, Fastballs with Fits, and then I'll let you go. I hope I wasn't doing Pollyanna on that last one, but I don't know. Do you want to do it again? No. Alright. What's the hackiest bit you've ever done?

Oh, God. I have to think. I mean 25 Lettermans, that's a lot of material. There must be one joke in there that you look back and you watch the set and you go. I don't know, I love all my jokes. Now that's Pollyanna. I love all my jokes. I'm going to make a t-shirt for you. Or it could be Pollyanna or incredibly narcissistic. I love all my jokes.

Can I do a joke that didn't work enough? Yes. I always loved? Yes. Okay, but I have to stand up. Oh great, okay. To finally see my galoshes. All right, which camera do I have to use?

All right, stand back here and play to that center camera right there. Come right there. Okay. Stand back a little further. Can you bend your knees? There you go. We got it, we got it. Okay, go ahead.

It's gonna hurt the bit a little bit. All right. All right. He fixed it. Okay. This is my impression. You got to go back to Archie Comics. Okay. Okay. My impression of Veronica walking away mad. I don't get it. Veronica, you know, she was Archie's, he liked her. Yeah. The kind of and that's how she looked in the comics. She was always like that. Yeah. Show me Superman flying away mad. Show me Jesus mad. He must have been mad. Yeah. Anything else? That was great. We're through the camera. All right. Kara Leifers book, How to Write a Funny Speech for a Wedding Bar Mitzvah Graduation and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place is on all internet streaming. I loved it. Carol, I love you.

Thank you so much for being here. I love you, Greg. All right. Let's have serious eye contact. Okay. Looking for the ultimate online casino experience? Step into the BedMGM Casino app where every deal, spin and goal brings Las Vegas excitement into the palm of your hand. Take your seat at Premium Blackjack Pro, where strategy meets top-tier gameplay.

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